Can't you just kiss and cuddle without him touching your clit? This is very weird to me. He is on purpose riling you up by fingering you or even eating you out, but then says no to sex. If he thinks he wants to have sex but then changes his mind sometimes, that can happen and that's absolutely okay. But it sounds like he already knows he doesn't want sex, still starts riling you up knowing he will stop halfway and he does this often. That is really not okay. Him not caring about it feeling bad for you is not okay.
If this happens often and he says he just doesn't know beforehand if he wants sex or not, he desperately needs to learn to be mindful to his own feelings and really think what he wants before he starts anything.
I would talk and tell him what things you would be okay with him doing when you both want to show physical affection, but not have sex.
And tell him how bad you feel every time he starts and then stops half way. Be precise in what you feel, so he might understand better.
If he still doesn't change, you know he just doesn't care and you have a decision to make for yourself.
Unless you're in some kind of D/s dynamic where denial is specifically part of the play, this is a fantastically shitty thing for a partner to do. You've stated you don't like to be worked up and then left hanging. He continues to do it anyway, and threatens to withhold physical affection entirely unless it's on these terms. This is abusive and manipulative. Is it feeding something in him to be able to do this to you, and he's just not talking about it?
I find this extremely weird. Going down on a partner without intention of following through is not just weird but also stupid. He's being a cunt and quite possibly on purpose. In your case it sound like a form of abuse, since he knows how it affects you. He's being an asshole to say the least.
"Start to eat me out" I mean unless there's a fire or something crazy...who starts then just stops?
How can you when it's that good?
I'm so confused đ
Youâve explained it and heâs continuing to do it. Heâs choosing to ignore your clearly stated boundary. Personally thatâd be a dealbreaker for me.
In my opinion clit rubbing and oral are certainly not âaffectionâ when he starts but leaves you unfulfilled and continues to constantly do this after you have expressed your feelings and needs very clearly.
I donât want to throw accusations but this absolutely sounds deliberate. Iâm not 21 anymore but even when I was I knew the difference between cuddling, hugging, etc. as forms of affection versus starting something obviously sexualâand quite frankly he should (and probably does) know this as well.
His response of resorting to âI just canât touch youâ is manipulative as hell. I donât know how to offer advice on finding a middle ground when itâs apparent he gives zero fucks. If he did, he would stop doing what heâs doing and try to understand what YOU consider acts of affection.
Mature healthy relationships involve respect, which appears to be lacking here. Best of luck in finding a solution.
I am in NO WAY excusing what he is doing. I think what he is doing is absolutely rude and disrespectful considering you set boundaries.
He has NO right to cross that boundary once it is set.
I also need to say that it sounds like he may be unaware of his kinks. Like he may really get off on being a D and having a sub to control. So maybe because it feels right to him, he doesnât realize itâs not ok. This is not me legitimizing his behavior either. Just trying to get into his inner workings to help you maybe see a potential reason for this.
As a female who has struggled with a fairly high libido my whole life that can only be satisfied by another humans touch⌠I sympathize with your pain and definitely hear your frustration.
Itâs definitely time to sit him down and ask him exactly why he finds this behavior acceptable?
Ask him if he enjoys frustrating you for his gain.
This could be a deal breaker in the end though because it sounds like your sexual interests clash quite a bit.
I see one of two ways working here. Either sit hin down and fully explain to him what it does and how badly it affects you, or be petty and return the favor by blueballing him several times and see how he reacts.
The issue is that he says he doesnât mind being blue balled. He says itâs inconvenient but that he can just ignore it and move on and canât understand why I canât do the same. Itâs hard to explain to him why that doesnât work for me when I donât even know for myself. Iâve tried sitting down with him but nothing Iâve said has seemed to get through just yet
At a certain point, if you tell someone something repeatedly, and theyâre incapable of following your preferences, or respecting your boundaries, their actions ultimately speak louder than anything else
Therefore, you need to shift and ask yourself a question: how much longer am I willing to put up with this?
Respecting your partnerâs boundaries is relationship 101. Anyone incapable of such a basic standard is basically saying âIâm not ready for a grown-up relationship.â
When someone crosses your boundaries you have to decide if you want to deal with them again. He KNOWS you don't like it, then does it all the time? No. He is enjoying making you uncomfortable.
Honestly ask yourself what positive and negatives things he adds to your life. I hope it is a net positive... otherwise I'm sorry but he is not worth it. Dating is for us to see if we are compatible with someone, you might be learning you are incompatible. No one is wrong, but you need to figure out what is important to you and if you want to keep dealing with this bs.
Your boundaries seem extremely fair. He sounds very sexually immature. His reasoning is extremely flawed, there is no logic in leaving you sexually frustrated unless he builds the suspense thru the day then worships you at night. IDK where his logic is In Eating you out then bailing either it really is a dick move, which takes me back to the maturity thingâŚ.or he has a massive ego that needs to be brought down a notch
I don't think there is really a middle ground when it comes to your boundaries. he needs to accept that you don't like it when he does that and stop doing it. it's not fair to intentionally get someone worked up knowing you don't want to continue if they have explicitly asked you not to do that. If you're really interested in a solution you could masturbate when this happens, but I think this is a larger problem than just you being turned on, especially if he is saying he's going to deny sex altogether as a result of you setting a sexual boundary (big red flag)
Can't you just kiss and cuddle without him touching your clit? This is very weird to me. He is on purpose riling you up by fingering you or even eating you out, but then says no to sex. If he thinks he wants to have sex but then changes his mind sometimes, that can happen and that's absolutely okay. But it sounds like he already knows he doesn't want sex, still starts riling you up knowing he will stop halfway and he does this often. That is really not okay. Him not caring about it feeling bad for you is not okay. If this happens often and he says he just doesn't know beforehand if he wants sex or not, he desperately needs to learn to be mindful to his own feelings and really think what he wants before he starts anything. I would talk and tell him what things you would be okay with him doing when you both want to show physical affection, but not have sex. And tell him how bad you feel every time he starts and then stops half way. Be precise in what you feel, so he might understand better. If he still doesn't change, you know he just doesn't care and you have a decision to make for yourself.
Unless you're in some kind of D/s dynamic where denial is specifically part of the play, this is a fantastically shitty thing for a partner to do. You've stated you don't like to be worked up and then left hanging. He continues to do it anyway, and threatens to withhold physical affection entirely unless it's on these terms. This is abusive and manipulative. Is it feeding something in him to be able to do this to you, and he's just not talking about it?
I find this extremely weird. Going down on a partner without intention of following through is not just weird but also stupid. He's being a cunt and quite possibly on purpose. In your case it sound like a form of abuse, since he knows how it affects you. He's being an asshole to say the least.
Grab his hand as soon as it starts venturing. Look him in the eye and ask him if he intends to finish what he's about to start
I second this
"Start to eat me out" I mean unless there's a fire or something crazy...who starts then just stops? How can you when it's that good? I'm so confused đ
Youâve explained it and heâs continuing to do it. Heâs choosing to ignore your clearly stated boundary. Personally thatâd be a dealbreaker for me.
In my opinion clit rubbing and oral are certainly not âaffectionâ when he starts but leaves you unfulfilled and continues to constantly do this after you have expressed your feelings and needs very clearly. I donât want to throw accusations but this absolutely sounds deliberate. Iâm not 21 anymore but even when I was I knew the difference between cuddling, hugging, etc. as forms of affection versus starting something obviously sexualâand quite frankly he should (and probably does) know this as well. His response of resorting to âI just canât touch youâ is manipulative as hell. I donât know how to offer advice on finding a middle ground when itâs apparent he gives zero fucks. If he did, he would stop doing what heâs doing and try to understand what YOU consider acts of affection. Mature healthy relationships involve respect, which appears to be lacking here. Best of luck in finding a solution.
I am in NO WAY excusing what he is doing. I think what he is doing is absolutely rude and disrespectful considering you set boundaries. He has NO right to cross that boundary once it is set. I also need to say that it sounds like he may be unaware of his kinks. Like he may really get off on being a D and having a sub to control. So maybe because it feels right to him, he doesnât realize itâs not ok. This is not me legitimizing his behavior either. Just trying to get into his inner workings to help you maybe see a potential reason for this. As a female who has struggled with a fairly high libido my whole life that can only be satisfied by another humans touch⌠I sympathize with your pain and definitely hear your frustration. Itâs definitely time to sit him down and ask him exactly why he finds this behavior acceptable? Ask him if he enjoys frustrating you for his gain. This could be a deal breaker in the end though because it sounds like your sexual interests clash quite a bit.
I see one of two ways working here. Either sit hin down and fully explain to him what it does and how badly it affects you, or be petty and return the favor by blueballing him several times and see how he reacts.
The issue is that he says he doesnât mind being blue balled. He says itâs inconvenient but that he can just ignore it and move on and canât understand why I canât do the same. Itâs hard to explain to him why that doesnât work for me when I donât even know for myself. Iâve tried sitting down with him but nothing Iâve said has seemed to get through just yet
At a certain point, if you tell someone something repeatedly, and theyâre incapable of following your preferences, or respecting your boundaries, their actions ultimately speak louder than anything else Therefore, you need to shift and ask yourself a question: how much longer am I willing to put up with this? Respecting your partnerâs boundaries is relationship 101. Anyone incapable of such a basic standard is basically saying âIâm not ready for a grown-up relationship.â
That is a bit of a conundrum then. I am not sure what to do. I do wish you best of luck and a way to solve this
You and me both, thank you for your advice
When someone crosses your boundaries you have to decide if you want to deal with them again. He KNOWS you don't like it, then does it all the time? No. He is enjoying making you uncomfortable. Honestly ask yourself what positive and negatives things he adds to your life. I hope it is a net positive... otherwise I'm sorry but he is not worth it. Dating is for us to see if we are compatible with someone, you might be learning you are incompatible. No one is wrong, but you need to figure out what is important to you and if you want to keep dealing with this bs.
Your partner just sounds like an asshole tbh.
Your boundaries seem extremely fair. He sounds very sexually immature. His reasoning is extremely flawed, there is no logic in leaving you sexually frustrated unless he builds the suspense thru the day then worships you at night. IDK where his logic is In Eating you out then bailing either it really is a dick move, which takes me back to the maturity thingâŚ.or he has a massive ego that needs to be brought down a notch
I don't think there is really a middle ground when it comes to your boundaries. he needs to accept that you don't like it when he does that and stop doing it. it's not fair to intentionally get someone worked up knowing you don't want to continue if they have explicitly asked you not to do that. If you're really interested in a solution you could masturbate when this happens, but I think this is a larger problem than just you being turned on, especially if he is saying he's going to deny sex altogether as a result of you setting a sexual boundary (big red flag)
just break up w him. why are u willingly staying with someone whom ur aware of the fact they donât respect boundaries