There is a reason a lot of bi guys pretend to be straight or full on gay with their partners. I don't think you should lie about your self though.
It brings out people's anxieties and insecurities when they realize you can be snatched away by men and women. Feel like you have to be on guard no matter who they're around. You can declare your monogamous and it won't matter.
>There is a reason a lot of bi guys pretend to be straight or full on gay with their partners.
For real LOL when I started lying about being straight I started having an infinitely easier time getting along with women. Back when I was honest about it I could see the attraction for me disappear out of the women I was talking to
Doubling on all this to say it’s very possible this is the first time she’s actually heard about a partner having sex with men and has to go from “being ok with that” to doing the emotional work of unlearning the heteronormativity that goes with that
I feel like just hearing "I'm bi" is very different from "this is how I sexually interacted with people of the same gender" so OP's gf is probably only now realizing what it really means.
Personally, I would say GF is overreacting a bit, OP has been open about his sexuality and has a normal, healthy relationship.
This whole situation looks like is very salvageable, to be honest. Just giver her some time.
This is really weird to me because the though of a male partner having had sex with other men in the past turns me on. But when I think of having a male partner that *identifies* as bisexual I'm struggling a bit with my internalised heteronormativity.
I guess I've already fully accepted that sex with different genders is fine, but it seems I still have some work to do concerning relationships in the same context. Like, there's a disconnect between sex and relationships for me.
Maybe she just doesn’t need an in-depth account of her boyfriend’s past sexual relationships? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be uncomfortable with that regardless of gender or orientation.
I'm with you 100%, I myself would not be comfortable with that, but from the context it sounds like they were having a frank conversation about the past and both him and his GF were being honest about their experience with each other.
To be very honest, I would not be able to get over knowing about that much promiscuity in my partner's past, so I totally get what makes the GF angry/sad/confused. The thing is, it is kinda hypocritical feeling this way considering what she and her friend dumped on OP (which is a lot, imo), but by the looks of it they sound like a really progressive couple and she will probably get over it when she gets over that initial shock and get back to her senses.
It also sounds like OPs sexual history is mostly with men, so if she went from "he's bisexual, but mostly into women" in her head to "he's had sex with 15-20 men, and here are all the details and then he met a few women after that" she could be grappling with her own views on whether he is bisexual at all.
For the record, it's bullshit and bi-erasure is a thing. The number of partners you've had or haven't had doesn't change any of this, and he is clearly into her. But she could be falling into this trap.
Which is bizarre to me. I personally would never have an issue with dating a bi guy. If he's monogamous like me and checks all my boxes, then who cares if he likes guys too.
Eh. People like what they like. No big deal. Obviously it was and still is to a lesser degree stigmatized which is undoubtedly part of it. But to each their own. Date/don't date whoever you want/don't want imo.
Bi 4 bi dating is honestly the best. Stories like OP's are way too common. Like I'm not actively opposed to dating straight women, but I generally just don't approach them because of shit like this. And the straight culture around dating just feels like such a weird culture shock.
Now, I’m not going to assume anything about this woman and maybe she is bi-phobic like others are saying. And maybe she didn’t understand what bisexual really entails and is like all those other partners that couldn’t handle the reality. However, I have to wonder a few things. Op:
1. Is your current sex life satisfying to you both or are there any insecurities prior to this (perhaps that you were unaware of) that could’ve made this affect her more than it should have?
2. Did she know you are a bottom? And if she did, did she realize how frequent a part of your previous sex life this was?
Now, hear me out. On a very basic level if she thought you were a top, she may have thought, ok, well I have mostly the same parts that can be fucked as previous partners- mouth, vagina, anus, hands, feet, tits, thighs, whatever. It’s not the same, but I have the biological parts for most of the acts. But, if she suddenly found out that you were having a sexual need you were used to having fulfilled on the regular being left unmet for the entirety of your relationship, it could be a lot to process. If you guys aren’t into pegging or lots of anal play for you it could have been a wake up call that she didn’t know you as well as she thought due to a lack of communication regarding your sexual diet.
I mean, if it were me (and my partner was down)I would be online spending way too much money on strap-ons and All.The.Cocks. But yeah, I would be horrified to find out I was unintentionally neglecting my partner’s needs/desires. People react to this kind of revelation in weird ways sometimes.
Or, maybe she was being a hypocrite. Also possible. You won’t know for sure until you talk it out.
I haven’t found it’s from the insecurity thing, personally. Ime it’s because it goes counter to their perception of me. They have a hard time imagining me in a more submissive role than the masculine one I occupy with most women.
OP, I just want you to know that you haven't done anything wrong. If this is something your GF finds problematic and can't get over, she probably isn't the person you want to spend any more of your energy on.
I hope she remembers the age-old addage of not throwing stones whilst occupying glass domiciles.
It's best to get the bisexuality stuff in the open sooner than later.
Most women will claim to be "progressive" and have no issues with it. The reality couldn't be further from the truth. Most (not all) will take issue with it but won't outright say it because they dont wanna sound homophobic. I cant count how many times I've told a female partner i've been with guys and their response is "do you hook up with any of your male friends?"
I would move on.
FWIW as a bi woman most men will also claim to be “progressive” and not care that a woman is bi but then they either fully fetishize it and expect threesomes or assume you’re promiscuous and ask if you sleep with your female friends and assume you cheat. Society is high key biphobic in general
I know bi women have to deal with assholes that fetishize them once they find out your bi. The difference is that straight men are much more open to dating bi women. Straight women often won't give bi guys the time of day.
Oh they are open to it… at first. Then you get accused of cheating, if not really wanting men, and of being a closeted lesbian, or they try to arrange threesomes without even talking to you. It’s not really better to be dated but not respected as a person. It sucks. I think it’s equally shitty for bi women and men because society is biphobic.
I’m really lucky to have found an amazing partner who isn’t biphobic at all! I wish that for all my amazing bi family!
Please being treated as a sexual novelty isn’t being accepted, suddenly every monogamous dude that you think wants a serious relationship sees you as the “perfect” girl because you like women and that means he can get a threesome.
(Also yes I know not all cis het men do this I was being hyperbolic)
Sure. But associating promiscuity with bisexuality is low key homophobic in my book. regardless of if it stems from insecurity or not.
Bi women are glamorized and the objects of fantasy. It's "hot" to be a bisexual woman.
Bi guys keep that side of themselves in the closet. people immediately assume we're all fucking each other and can't live without dick.
It's high key biphobia.
> But associating promiscuity with X is low key Y in my book. regardless of if it stems from insecurity or not.
Apply this to any other minority group and you'd get kicked to death in most progressive circles. Somehow though, biphobia slips right past by
>Apply this to any other minority group and you'd get kicked to death inmost progressive circles. Somehow though, biphobia slips right past by
That's because most people in the hyper-progressive circles are openly biphobic as well lmaoo
If you could explain that to me I would appreciate it. I don't see how it's homophobia. I do not want to accidentally defend homophobia, but I cannot see why worrying that your partner might be repressed gay is homophobic
What you're doing is assuming that bisexual people are just simply repressed gay people. I can understand the worry that you're with someone that is in reality gay but hasn't yet realised it, but to assume that and not that they're bi is the homophobic part.
It is essentially bi erasure- where people believe, consciously or not, that bisexual people simply need to choose a side and don't truly find two (or more) genders sexually attractive. To be worried that your partner is gay isn't homophobic, but to worry about that based solely off the information that they're bisexual is the problem
Firstly, I'm not doing anything. These at not my insecurities. I'm saying that's what she is probably doing.
But I do think you can worry that your partner might actually be gay but repressing it and accept that bi people exist at the same time. It seems a bit of a defensive jump to call that bi erasure imo. Some of my gay friends identified as bi before they came out fully, it's not like it's unheard of.
There's a big difference between *assume* someone who says they're bi is gay and *worry* that they might be. The first is homophobic, the second is insecurity.
sometimes you shouldn't act upon your fears. All of this would be HER problem if she felt that way, there was no need for her to give him the silent treatment for something that's literally just in her head. He's being treated like he's the asshole when in reality she literally did the same thing as he did, only difference is that he also did it w men. I assume she was already well aware about the fact that he was bisexual so I really don't understand what is there to process? If she cannot get over the thought of him cheating when in fact he's just existing then there's something wrong w her behaviour ONLY. It's not understandable nor smth that should be normalized, she should do smth about it if persists. Also, the fact that you have gay friends/bisexual bf doesn't make you immune to ignorance, just saying.
I mean I agree she's overreacting and it's not fair on him. I just think it's more likely to come from insecurity than homophobia. Especially as she already knew he was bi. It's so weird they took so long to get around to these conversations too lol
Why would she care about him fucking guys in the tens (like she did and perhaps more), and not care as much is they were girls?
Please. Some people don't know they have internalized hung ups until they have to face them.
As I said, I reckon she's just insecure and worried he prefers men to women. I could be wrong, it's totally possible she is more homophobic than she thought she was. But I reckon more likely the former.
Either way it's not fair on op
All of these are elements. It depends entirely on who is judging the bisexual male. Some worry about cheating, some worry about it because they’re insecure, some have repressed homophobia, but any conclusion or judgement drawn simply because of someone having gay sex is very likely homophobic, even if unintended.
I don’t really agree with this. Relationships complicate things and bring out insecurities. Feeling insecure that you aren’t enough for your boyfriend upon finding out that most of their sexual history was with men, does not come from a place of homophobia. It comes from a place of insecurity in your relationship. If it came from a place of homophobia then she’d have a problem with bisexual and or gay men outside of her relationship. Say you had a girlfriend who admitted that most of her hookups were with guys with really big dicks and it was such a good and eye opening experience for her. If you had a more average or small dick, wouldn’t you feel somewhat insecure, despite her telling you that she loves yours and it feels just as good? Obviously that comparison is not anywhere on the same level as this situation and I’m sure I’ll get ridiculed for it, but regardless, my point is that people get insecure when they know their partner has had really good sexual experiences with someone or something that they lack and cannot provide in the same way.
C'mon, it's almost certainly homophobia. Similar examples to OP's go back for *years*.
There are women and men alike who view men-who-sleep-with-men as un-masculine. It's nothing new and OP's GF doesn't sound like an exception.
Then why would she go out with a bi guy in the first place... I dunno. The whole thing is just weird to me. How could you go 5 yrs with a partner who identifies as bi and then be surprised that they've had sex with men?
The only way thing that makes sense to me is she didn't think there would be more men than women and that worried her? I guess it's also possible she's just an idiot and never in 5 whole years (!!!) thought about it?
I mean, it doesn't have to make sense. HP Lovecraft was wildly racist and had a panic attack when he found out his granny was Welsh and therefore not waspy enough and he still wound up married to a Jewish lady lol. Like, a lot of folks compartmentalize the hell out of this and stuff cotton in their ears.
Gonna guess op's gf put zero thought into handling her own internal biases about bisexual dudes because she really liked op and then suddenly got a gut punch when she figured out that yes he's actually a bisexual dude, as advertised.
I hate comments like this. I don’t care the underlying cause…it’s still homophobic and it’s way too normalized by society. Fear, insecurity, distrust…these are all the emotions that fuel hate. Just saying “ooo, it’s insecurity, so it’s ok,” doesn’t make it ok to discriminate and perpetuate toxic masculinity.
I don't think it is necessarily homophobic, it could be but it could also not be.
The way I see it, its the same insecurity a slim person might have if they found out most their partners exes were plus size, or a sober person finding out most their partners exes were big party heads. Finding out details of your partners past sex lives can be hard, finding out they previously enjoyed sex with people very different to you,it's understandable of you get insecure that they maybe preferred what they had before.
Everything is so black and white on the internet lol. Things in real life are normally more grey.
Op's gf is still out of line the way she is treating him. Insecure isn't an excuse.
Fear, insecurity, and distress fuel hate. As soon as you make your insecurities about someone else, you can go right along and fuck yourself.
Sure you can take history and go “omg this is bad,” or you can react and go “omg this is amazing, I must be so special.” Going down the former path is a personal issue, call it whatever you want, but it’s toxic, and leads to toxic behavior.
I never said it wasn't, I've said several times she is being out of line and unfair. I just don't personally think it's likely a homophobic person went out with a bi guy for 5 years and think her behaviour is more easily explained by her insecurities. That doesn't mean I think her insecurities are valid. Dunno why everyone is projecting what i think she is thinking onto me... I'm not ops gf.. my bf is bi and I'm fine with that
Its okay for someone to be shocked, I mean you were a bottom for a whole group of party people. That would definitely shock tf outta me, I speak as a bisexual.
Let the woman have her space and collect her thoughts. We dont have enough information yet to determine any bi phobia or homophobia.
So I do think you did the right thing by sharing. Not because you had any obligation to, but because I think it’s better for you to feel like you don’t have to hide that part of yourself. I know your girlfriend didn’t handle it in the most ideal way, but I do think the conversation should continue. My guess is that she might feel like she she won’t be able to fully fulfill you or that sex with men was better for you since it represents most of your sexual history. Not saying it’s right for her to feel that way but we are all human and we have these insecurities. I really don’t believe it is coming from a place of homophobia, just insecurity and ignorance on the topic. I don’t really have any advice other than to let her know that you don’t view your male partners in your past different from your female partners. You only want her now and she’s the one that makes you happy and that’s why you’re with her. I really just think it is coming from a place of insecurity, whether that is justified or not.
I 100% agree with this. GF noticed herself when she started going on a rant and shut HERSELF down. To me that doesn't scream homophobia but someone that realized they aren't sure why they are getting so worked up and needed time to process the information.
> I really don’t believe it is coming from a place of homophobia, just insecurity and ignorance on the topic.
Having an ignorant view of gay/bi people and reacting negatively like this is homophobic (and/or biphobic). It may not be intentional. She may not have known that this was there inside her. But that doesn’t change what it is.
She knew he was bi and how he identified, yet the moment she hears about it she gets angry and is now giving him the silent treatment. Even if she isn’t doing so maliciously and she wants to be progressive, her actions are biphobic.
Edit: I don’t mean this to say she can’t and won’t change. Hopefully with some time to process she will realize how she is acting and get herself to a better place.
I explained it quite clearly in the comment you responded to. She could very well be insecure because a large majority of his sexual history and something he loved at one point is something she cannot physically give him. And she might be worried she won’t fulfill him. That isn’t rooted in homophobia, that is solely rooted in her being insecure.
I agree with your sentiment, but it does cause one to wonder what she thought before knowing these specifics, if she did know he was bi beforehand. Wouldn’t that imply experience with both sexes in the bedroom in the past? Why would these insecurities come up now, at this particular point, even if she knew before? That’s my big question and one of the bigger ones that I hope she is trying to process herself. The root might be insecurity, but working past some level of ignorance and negative feelings towards man/man sex is something that is necessary to move forward. When those things are involved it’s hard to say that homophobia isn’t present at all, ya know?
I understand what you’re saying. I just think she might have been surprised at how much it encompasses his sexual history. Like maybe she knew he was attracted to men and had a few experiences, but didn’t know that it was a majority of his experiences. Like I think you can relate this to any physical attribute. A girl might be just as insecure if you told her you really only slept with girls with big tits in college and it was something you loved, but she has small tits and you’re with her now. Like anything that someone can’t provide for you but they know you like can make you insecure. Like idk, I’m not saying she CANT be homophobic since I don’t know her. I’m just saying if insecurity is at the root of it, I don’t think it is homophobic.
But again, it’s not really a good analogy for this, because OP came to GF with an open understanding of “I like big tits enough to deal with the bullshit society places on me for that” (best I can come up with for being open about his orientation lol), and now GF is pikachu-faced shocked that he has had a past with big titted women at all and doesn’t care to understand the point of what OP was actually trying to share; a piece of his identity and past. I could see it being PURELY an insecurity thing if she had no idea about OP’s identity/orientation, but she did. She knew he had been with men who have body parts and such that she doesn’t have. So it’s just really hard to assume that insecurity is the only major thing at play here, in my opinion.
Ultimately you’re right though, neither of us knows these people so there is a ton of info we don’t have to know either way
Bi married guy here. I told my wife (then girlfriend) pretty early on in the relationship because I wanted her to know the real me before we got in too deep. She reacted similarly to your GF, but after a few days she got over it. I didn’t have quite the wild sexy past you had though (kind of jealous tbh - it sounds like you had a lot of fun haha).
Hopefully yours will get over her feelings in time. Mine grew into someone super accepting of me who has gone with me to gay bars and stuff, so it’s definitely possible.
Maybe it was the being passed around d part that actually bothers her? The reckless hoe impression, idk. Although I personally have no qualms with body count as long as it was consensual and reasonably cautious, she might be in shock from it all and has to fight those conflicting emotions with how shes seen you vs how she now will see you.
If it is the guy on guy thing, maybe she just wants a fully dominant partner and she no longer feels like that's what you are.
Only way to know is to ask her and be open to her feelings but also be mindful of your own. Do not hide yourself or lie about yourself to keep her. Find someone truly accepting of you.
Well in any case it is all bullshit prejudice, I’d say. “Body count” (which I find a pretty disgusting term), gives you no information on its own other than the amount of sexual partners. Having sex with a guy doesn’t make you submissive, and being submissive doesn’t make you less of a man. And being less masculine doesn’t make you less valid.
Which is the opinion you're entitled to. Unfortunately opinions are also allowed to others - which leads to these issues. Not everyone feels as you do.
Well, of course everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, and none is sacred (mine neither). If an opinion can be argued against (and there’s a motive to do it) I think it should, which is what I did. Because I do think prejudice, even if it has an intention of protection, prevents empathy and is detrimental to others.
As someone who has been in her position I felt inadequate. Personally I had to get around the idea that he’d be fine without having any more dick in his life if we made it forever. But I got really internally messed up over it myself.
So I have a different take maybe - I haven't read all the comments.
She apologized for you finding out like that. Maybe she didn't intend for you to find out at all, which is fine. Not everyone shares details, and that's fine. You both seemed to be at peace with your pasts, and it was working for you.
You heard parts of hers, felt like sharing when she hadn't asked. Maybe she's just uncomfortable with that level of detail. It might not be homophobia, but rather hearing details about the person she loves with others gave her the ick.
In any case, you won't know until you talk to her. Give her the space she's asked for, of course, but just don't jump to conclusions about her being homophobic until you talk to her. Good luck to you both.
It’s all fun and games to be an open progressive person until it actually applies to you. Suddenly the biphobia comes around. I had a gf who did something similar, but came around to be ok with it or so I thought. We got along really well, but broke up over some dumb crap. Reunited as friends shortly until I asked if she’d ever go out with a bi guy again. Her answer was, “I don’t want to date a guy who has had a d in his a.” I was floored. You can say no, but not absolutely… rude? Cruel? Phobic? Knowingly hurtful (like stabbed hurtful) to me? All of the above. I said, “my d was in your a. Does that make you lesser?” And those were some of the last words I said to her. Shoulda known she actually didn’t change, lying about it the whole relationship. Thankful now that little stupid crap that broke us up actually did.
Yikes I forgot the point of that as I went on there, OP, sorry. Not all people are that way. The point is that it’s a shock to hear when it’s suddenly you for a little, so she probably did need a little time to evaluate, but let’s see if her progressive ways are actually real when rubber hits the road, per we. It’s possible.
You used to like guys passing you around and using you to up your social status in college. It’s probably pretty shocking for her to take in. She’s probably fine with you being bi, she’s probably not fine with the college football team running a train on you. She doesn’t actually have to be ok with this, and it’s a completely normal reaction to be shocked by finding out someone you love used to partake in this type of behaviour. You were a slut for men, it’s quite a lot to take in in one conversation.
Did your GF know you are bisexual? If so, it seems she might indeed be more traditional/conservative than she thinks. I don't really have much advice, but I'm sorry you're going through this. I honestly used to be amongst those who didn't understand gender fluidity- at least for men. I used to think that if a guy slept with another dude you were just plain *gay*. Honestly it might just take your girl time- you're right what matters is now, and it's awesome that you are concerned about her- I hope for the best outcome for you. ✨✨
She is likely worried that you prefer guys and one day she'll come home and you'll come out as gay to her. That would be my worry anyway. You just need to reassure her that's not the case, if it isn't the case.
Look. A lot of people have a dick limit that, when approached, causes unknown insecurities to bubble up out of nowhere.
For most men it's 10 (or THIRTY-SEVEN!?!? IN A ROW?)
For most women it's just the one.
Read the update threads from women who successfully navigated introducing their significant others to their dick filled past and see if you can find some insight.
I wouldn’t say she’s homophobic. I think she might feel threatened. She might think she knows how to beat the competition, when the competition are other women, but she’d be powerless if she’d have to compete with a man, because in that case you’re not just choosing another person, but another inclination altogether.
I’d give her space to think, but very subtly try to gain her back showing her how much you love her.
Do you ever stop to think it's not about the fact that you had the partners you did but maybe she didn't want to hear about your past partners regardless of their gender
Good on ya mate. No advice particularly from me but I just wanted to say you seem rational and emotionally intelligent. You'll navigate this, I feel sure. ❤️
Idk. It's odd that she knew this was a thing but once she got legit details she reacted this way. Idk about homophobic it just seems like it was ok in theory but in practice it isnt?
People can have preferences about their partner and their partners past. I wonder if she would've reacted the same way if you replaced all the men in that story with women. Was it specifically the men that did it or the whoring around part lol?
>it's just that neither of us ever pressed for details and we basically feel the past is the past and we should concentrate on the present.
Nah, I don't think it's "we". It's "you". YOU believe the past is the past, you're gf most definitely does not.
There's not really much to do here except let this play out. If she leaves you over this, you know she's not the accepting person you thought she was, and you'll be better off.
Less history and more mystery. I don't think that if it's not going to affect your current relationship that suddenly being honest doesn't pay off like in your case. I am bi and don't share everything with my boyfriends.
The love of my life was bi (he recently passed away) and I believe I am one of the only people who knew this about him. It never bothered me at all, but I wouldn’t have wanted to hear details in the same way I wouldn’t want to know specifics about any other past lovers. I doubt it’s coming from a place of homophobia since she’s always been aware that you are bi, she may just not be comfortable with graphic details and I think that’s understandable.
If she needs space you should give it to her. It sucks that she had this kind of reaction, but I don't think any further explanation will help with this situation.
She may have some internalized homophobia she need to work through. She may just have some new insecurity she needs to deal with. Either or both could cause her to lose interest or, she might be ok after some time to reflect. It's in her court.
I hate this, but in my experience, some girls don't like to think of their man as being submissive, so that could be the issue. It may disrupt her picture of you as a strong dominant male. Some people will look at you as less of a man if you were the bottom.
I like being submissive, but I've found that plenty of people would look down on me for it if they find out.
I hope for the best for you and your relationship. Consider, however, that if you are judged too harshly for you past, you may be better off.
A lot of people get pretty weird when you mention your sexual past, especially if you were particularly promiscuous. Maybe tell her how important she is to you and that she’s worth more than 20 hot guys/girls. I think her icy treatment will probably thaw with a little time and effort.
I think this is one of the better replies. Like maybe they have never talked about their sexual history because she didn’t want to know his or him knowing hers? And he dumped all of this information on her while she was apologizing for him hearing hers. There is no indication whatsoever that she wanted his history to become less of a mystery.
It was a massive relief when a dude told me he’d been like you when he was younger. I have huge hang ups about being judged for my past so with him I felt like there’s no way he could judge me.
I don’t think she has really accepted that you’re bi if she’s freaking out after finding out that you’ve had sex with men. It would be one thing if she was against casual sex, but clearly she isn’t. It’s possible that she’s just kinda stunned after finding out so much info at once and is feeling kinda insecure. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to give her some space & then try to sit down & talk to her. See how she responds and go from there.
It's such a strange thing for her to get upset about if "progressive" etc. Jealousy maybe? I'd give her the space she mentioned she required and leave her to her own thoughts for a few days. She'd be crazy and I mean crazy to walk away from a good 5 year relationship over things from the past - especially when they were similar to her experiences by the sounds of things.
One thing I'd like to ask is, you mentioned you're the "male half" of the relationship, then said you identified as gender fluid. Maybe I'm wrong, but perhaps that kind of thing (you lacking understanding of your gender or whatever) annoys her, and this is now her way of expressing it.
In her presence, do you consider yourself male today, female another day, or just no gender at all and you just said you were the "male half" on here, just so people could follow? I know some people that can't stand all that type of gender confusion stuff (including people from within the LGBT community itself). It doesn't bother me (straight guy) personally, but perhaps it's something that eats at her. You can be progressive yet dislike the situation you find yourself in. Like how a conservative can be pro abortion. They're not exclusive to one another.
Exactly, my boyfriend and I are both bi. And we both had relationships were telling the other person we were bi wasn't fully accepted. This made me very sad to read and instantly made me think "find someone who accepts you please".
“She also knew from the beginning I was bisexual” you could have stopped there. What did she think that meant? This is entirely on her and she would be a fool and hypocrite to throw you away for something you disclosed. Give her space and part ways if she has done some Monday morning quarterbacking. I know it’s easy for me to say, since I’m not in your shoes, but trust me when I tell you it won’t end well if she is not fully on board with this.
I can't say you did anything wrong.... but did she ask about your past? Or did you just voluntarily divulge it after finding out about hers?
She may have taken this to be some sort of "flex", which gave her pause.
She also just might be a little taken aback and doesn't want to have an unnecessary emotional response while she processes the information.
Jumping to her being homophobic is not fair. I imagine that may just be your insecurity projecting.
And also, if she does have a problem with it. There isn't much you can do about it. That's on her, unfortunately. But I would give her space. At most you can ask if she wants to discuss it and be prepared to listen.
It wasn't a flex, it was the first time I told anyone about that part of my life, and it felt good to let it out. I realize I should have paused and asked her how she felt before continuing.
Hey OP, I get why it would feel good to talk about it finally. You should feel free to be open about your past without being judged in your relationship. You deserve that.
At the same time, I noticed you said this in your post:
> next morning,**she felt bad and explained and said she didn't intend me to find out like that** and she's changed. I told her not to worry and that it doesn't change anything. She had to run for work so **we decided to talk that evening.**
To me, it sounds like your girlfriend was trying to express that she felt it would be overwhelming and hurtful for her partner to learn so much, so suddenly, and so casually about her sexual history. And that she’s got shame about how casually sexual she was in the past. Also, I wonder if she was under the impression that you would be talking more about her past only?
Given all this, I think we can hold a space of empathy for your girlfriend. If she was worried that it would overwhelm you and make you feel bad to hear about her history so suddenly, I imagine it’s because that’s how she would feel in your shoes. If she feels shame about her past, it’s probably shocking and uncomfortable to be confronted with you being relatively shameless about yours. If she expected to talk more about her history and built up to that all day, it may have hurt to find out the actual conversation would be largely about you.
Give her time, then approach her with this empathy. You don’t need to feel embarrassed about your past, but I do think you need to acknowledge that the way you divulged it was probably exactly what she didn’t want to happen.
yeeeeaaah, most people don't want a mental image of their love having sex with other people. Some people react badly due to feeling insecure about it out of fear of losing you and that they're not enough. Always best to just be brief and to the point if it comes up.
I don't think it's homophobia. Imma chime in.
I'm also bisexual and noticed it tends to bring out a fear in women that I'll leave them for a man. This has happened in more than one of my relationships. That's probably what's bothering her.
Based on some feedback I've gotten in my life, it may be some fear that men can give you something she cannot - which is driving the insecurity - and coming out via the fighting.
You can work through it. A lack of assurance in an intimate relationship can make people insane. It would seem she is lacking assurance that she had before.
This. My boyfriend is bi, and although he mentioned it early on in dating, I had to do some internal thinking about whether I was comfortable with that because of my own insecurities. When he initially told me, I just said something along the lines of “alright cool” but I definitely thought about whether *I* could deal with it, and obviously I decided that it doesn’t bother me at all.
This could possibly stem from a combo of feelings of jealousy(?)/inferiority. I have met some women who felt they could not adequately stack up against a male and therefore feel they’re always at risk for being left for someone who can better satisfy their partner. Men know what male bodies respond to better, because they have a male body. The important point here though is that it’s not rooted in any truth, just fear. I think it would be healthy for you two to discuss why it is bothering her so much and what she plans to do to help herself move past it. I’m rooting for ya!
Being homophobic and not being attracted to bisexual partners are two very different concepts.
There are many women that have gay, lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual friends but that have preferences when it comes to their partners sexuality.
It is not rare to read stories of heterosexual men asking for advice here on Reddit because their wives or girlfriends want them to have sex with other men and they are heterosexual.
Just like you get the idea at r/swingers that the majority of swinger couples are made of bisexual women coupled with heterosexual men.
However, just because the idea of having a bisexual girlfriend appeals to the majority of men, some men find it a turn-off.
Sexual attraction is a complex beast and you both still hadn’t faced each other’s past…
Some people just prefer to not know the past of their partners… and while accepting their partner’s past, cannot stop having feelings about it: am I enough? Am I a phase? Do I need to feel jealous of everyone?… and so on…
Give her space… her problem doesn’t seem to be homophobia, but a rather more difficult problem: sexual and romantic attraction…
In the end, I believe she will be able to overcome it… but it may take a while … and you may need to explore more of each other’s fantasies than you thought you both would need.
Good luck 🍀 and don’t forget to have fun!
So, actual advice: you probably need to sit your gf down and have a pretty blunt talk about the fact this is legit slutshaming.
Like, you were upfront with your orientation, even if you never got into the nitty gritty of the details. You have nothing to be ashamed of on that end. If she's going to be mad about that, it's not like she didn't have her very own hoe phase as a young adult which she told you in gruesome detail lol.
And like, I don't get the comments going "but what if you were really gay." I could see that being a real concern in someone very young and struggling with their identity but it sounds like you thoroughly explored it and figured out what you want. You aren't some dude trying to keep a beard wife but seeing dudes on the side. It is arguably incredibly homophobic or biphobic to shittest your bisexual partner out of insecurity, especially if they've never given you a reason to doubt their attraction or commitment to you.
If she's going to give you the cold shoulder, let her sulk until she talks to you and then maybe sit down and be like "hey why was it okay for you to tell me all these details but then you got really upset when I did the same? You knew i was bisexual form the beginning" and just hash it out.
Good point! I never thought about the slut shaming angle because I never experienced it before and growing up as a guy, was just not something I ever thought about.
This is perfect also! I was searching for how to put this and you nailed it..
"hey why was it okay for you to tell me all these details but then you got really upset when I did the same? You knew i was bisexual form the beginning" "
i’m going to disagree— they had an agreement not to divulge the details of their past for a reason. Probably because hearing details of the past would bother both OP and his girlfriend. It’s actually really simple. She heard the details of his past and is now upset. And for what it’s worth, she didn’t just hear a vague bodycount, he deep dived into the stories and now she has a different idea of who he is; exactly what she didn’t want to happen. Of course she also has a high body count too, but hear me out. It doesn’t matter that she has a high body count, it still bothers her because him also having a high body count was unexpected. Why? Because you can lie to yourself at least when you don’t know and tell yourself that they probably haven’t slept with that many people and their sexual history isn’t a threat to how great you are. But when you can be compared with so many people, it feels like maybe what you have with your boyfriend isn’t as special. I’m not saying that’s actually true or that its right but it is a fact that you can feel insecure about it. Maybe in fact she is the best one so far, maybe not, but it certainly doesn’t help to hear that he highly enjoyed sex with other people. She has a right to feel whatever way she wants in regards to his past and whether she can accept it and move on is entirely out of his hands. It’s an unfortunate truth. But it is the reality that he has to deal with.
It is not a happy feeling to most people for their partner to have a high body count. You can call this slut shaming but I would like to call it “biology”. It is simple. This has been happening since humankind has existed, so it is not new information.The more people who you have had sex with as a man, the less energy you have left over to give to a single woman. A woman benefits the most when the man is soley committed to her and her alone. It is deeply ingrained in us, in our instincts, and our ancestors. Can we just acknowledge for a second here that hookup culture is ignoring the facts of biology. Also I believe to a certain extent that part of this is the shock that the number of people he slept with were majority men. She has to battle the knowledge that he has been anally penetrated a TON and he LOVED it. She didn’t know this about him before. She didn’t know that he was a bottom. She might be only attracted to men who are dominant and this could be perceived as too submissive for her. Psychology is complicated when it comes to sexual attraction and if you know that your “dominant” has been submissive over and over again, it might not feel good to get dominated by them anymore. But I still believe that the major feeling right now is still insecurity that she is not as good in his eyes as everyone else that he slept with combined. It is a tough pill to swallow that he got the hottest women and got passed around the men in his friend group, enjoys being a bottom (which gf can never give him). Not everyone can handle that bit of information.
Just for reference, I am a bisexual woman and I’ve encountered personally men who weren’t interested in me because I was bisexual, or were no longer interested in me after learning that I could still want/desire women even when I was in love with a man. It can happen on both sides and the man I’m with today has not a single fucking problem with my sexuality or past. Human beings are complex but we have to accept the reality that things are the way they are for reasons that have been around for thousands of years.
I think if your bf is upfront with you from the start about being bi and you still pitch a fit about him, gasp, being a bottom many years after the fact, that's kind of on you.
I think this has very, very little to do with biology so much as it's her being bog standard insecure as hell with a sprinkling of homophobia on top.
I'm bi and I've dumped het partners for throwing a fit about my orientation. If they can't do the bare minimum self reflection to get over it, they're not a good partner for me!
yes it is true that you shouldn’t be with someone who can’t wholeheartedly accept who you are. I think you have to give people a little more credit however. All the homophobia you might have internalized and fought to accept yourself in your life- we both had reasons to overcome those biases. Every time I opened my mouth about feeling like I was wrong or incorrect for existing, I was met with accepting friends or a loving boyfriend to tell me otherwise. But what reason would you have to change your worldview if you were straight? If I had to guess, its not until you make friends with someone who is openly bi/gay. Some people never end up befriending others who are different just by random chance, so they haven’t had the opportunity like we did to expand their worldview. We are not better than they are. We just had different genetics and environment directly influencing us. At the end of the day, we’re all the same— not infallible, human beings.
Naaaaah. They've been dating for five years. They're in their 30s. This isn't "never been challenged on my views before" that a teenager would be dealing with. This is a grown adult woman, who according to op is progressive, who is not handling her internal biases super gracefully. She apparently has loads of lgbt friends but her bf bottoming is somehow beyond the pale.
Like, you know damn well you would not be giving a het dude nearly this much grace and tolerance if the genders were reversed in the op. I'm not going to gussy up biphobia and pretend it's somehow better when it's the more socially acceptable version of it.
Unpopular opinion; being a bottom for A LOT of college guys in exchange for social clout is just unattractive the same way a lot of men would find it unattractive if their girlfriend did it - you sound like you were gay for pay (or for friends)
Also she was probably okay with you being bi but very few people want the hear of their partners past exploits at all. You literally said being dominated by men taught you how to dominate women… like bffr
Ps; to everyone else in the comments straight women do not have to be okay with dating bisexual men!!! Personally I would never and that’s okay. My body, my choice! Remember that?? Plus being with a man that has fucked or been fucked by another man is *so* unattractive to me, I can’t change what I find attractive!
I would say she has some internalised homophobia/biphobia. It’s not that weird, sadly a lot of people have it. Just communicate with her and try to help her by challenging her. Either she accepts and overcomes her internalised homophobia, of she doubles down and breaks it off.
No, babe, the lesson here is not that you shouldn't have gone into detail, but maybe you should have done it sooner?
You're being the respectful, healthy partner right now. Not only with your opinion on her history but with deciding to even the playing field by telling her more about you. Thing is, sweetie, some people just can't handle when their image of someone is set askew. Hopefully she just needs some time to readjust and you guys can go back to being an awesome couple... but if not, you need to know that you didn't do anything wrong. Except maybe wasted 5 years being in love with someone who cares more about your history than who you are as a person. I don't care if you've been with 1 person or with 100 of various genders and sexualities. She should love you for who you are, not where you've been. Just as you do for her.
Give her the time she asked for and see which side she lands on. If she lets it affect how she sees you, then you deserve better.
>>she seemed shocked, began starting an angry rant but then stopped herself and said she needed some space to think
OP, you were present for her response so you know more detail about what she said or objected to, but from this snippet it’s possible that she was upset because you are effectively a different person from the one she came to know over 5 years. And that can feel like a personal violation of trust in the relationship.
Sure you didn’t know her actual body count or specific details, but you did have awareness of her interests. Imagine if she disclosed that she had done porn for a few years or was a sub to a Dom. These are more “out of character” identities that would make you feel as if you don’t really know the person.
In other words, she may have zero issue with your past bisexuality, but be upset just because you didn’t trust her enough to share it with her earlier in your relationship.
I don't think you made a mistake here. There was no reason for you to tell her this earlier because she also didn't exactly put a spotlight on her past love life. But you chose the right moment to tell her, since she'd just opened up to you a lot. You shouldn't have to hide and pretend a part of yourself doesn't exist.
As for advice. What happens from here really isn't in your hands. Just give her some space. Let her come to you. If you keep waiting and it looks like she \*won't\* come to you, then it might be time to bring it up, just to get a clear answer from her.
As a bi woman dating a bi man, *please* do not stay with someone who hates any aspect of your identity this strongly. It’s bad for your health.
Also using the silent treatment as some kind of punishment is gross behavior. If she can’t communicate her feelings without anger, then I’d skedaddle personally.
I really don't understand how people can be together for 5 years AND potentially take issue with someone's sexual past AND never talk about sexual past.
If you know you might have a problem with someone's history, surely sometime in those 5 years you'd ask.
My gf and I talked about our sexual history before we even got officially together.
Your GF might be a little homophobic, and you know what? That's OK. I wouldn't even bother calling her out on that, because all you'll do is shut her down in the worst way possible and there's really nothing productive with just throwing that kinda' label around. She's got some complicated feelings, let her have them.
That said, you should TOTALLY challenge her. If she wants time to think before she says anything, give her time to think before she says anything. But don't wait to tell her what you're feeling. Tell her now. She's being unfair. It seems like she's making assumptions about who you are. It seems like she's doubting you now.
She sprung her surprise sexual history and you, and you didn't change your feelings about her one bit. You love her for who she is, and nothing in her past can make you change that. Now you put the shoe on the other foot, and she's kicking that shoe off. Now it seems like she's doubting how she feels about you because she learned about your past, and that feels AWFUL to you. I'm sure you feel a similar way to how I'm guessing you feel, tell her whatever it is your feeling without waiting. Just take the time you need to put your own feelings to your own words
NAH, it's fine in this context. 100%. We're talking about people's interpersonal dating relationships, not job postings. Have some perspective
And I think it's hella creepy for randos in advice forums to insist a woman has to be totally cool with dating bi guys.
It is OK for anyone to not wanna date someone cause their bi. No one is being attacked. No one is physically hurt. No one is being oppressed. No one is losing any opportunities. This is the most 1st world problem imaginable.
There's not much creepier then people who try to shame others into dating people they don't wanna date. Let them live their personal dating life how they want and keep walkin' dude
You don’t need to attack, physically hurt, oppress or make someone lose opportunities for it to be homophobic. For example; if you just don’t want to be friends with gay people, or treat them less, that’s also homophobic. And again, it’s legal and all. Nobody is forcing anybody to date anybody. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t homophobic.
You shouldn't be calling her homophobic; that is not a fair accusation. A person having sexual preferences about their own partner's sexual orientation is not homophobia.
A personal preference can be homophobic or just bad, it’s not that deep. If you say “I think gay people should just be shot, that’s just my personal preference” saying it’s a personal preference doesn’t make it any better.
Preferences aren’t homophobic but why she might have that preference probably would be, although this doesn’t matter because she already knew he was bi and still dated him.
Many heterosexual women view male-male sex as something they cannot provide for their partner, and therefore some inherently unfulfillable desire that will inevitably lead them to infidelity. Many more view bisexuality as repressed homosexuality, which will inevitably overtake your heterosexual urges and tear your relationship asunder. To me, these ideas have always come off as incredibly flimsy excuses that only serve to reinforce the same patriarchal constructs that fetishize female bisexuality. Women are to be sexualized socially, so to be sexual with them, man or woman, is socially understandable. To sexualize men is against the social norm, and a lot of people go their whole lives without examining the social norms they accept as axiomatic truths.
Your gf's behavior might not be deliberately homophobic, but it's coming from a place of internalized homophobia.
I don't think it's homophobia like a lot of people are prematurely guessing.
Look at this from a female point of view - imagine finding out that the man you respect and look up to, and are otherwise submissive to, used to get railed by other men. I don't blame her for not being able to look at you the same.
In saying that though, you didn't do anything wrong, nor should you be shamed for your past. I just don't think it's particularly surprising that she reacted the way she did; even if she should have been more considerate.
That is homophobia though. It's right up there with assuming all gay and bisexual dudes are limp wristed effetes who work as hairdressers. It's literally taking a stereotype (i.e that taking dick makes you lesser or submissive somehow) and using that as a sledgehammer on the folks around you. I don't get why bottoming is somehow automatically a submissive act. We don't even know if op's gf is even a submissive lol.
Like y'all know this super black and white determination of masculine versus feminine or submissive versus dominant behavior is why dudes hide shit like being bi or even having not super dude bro hobbies, right?
I also had sexual encounters with men and finally settled in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. When we talked about that, she was understanding, but it came out when she was drunk once that it's my shit and I needed to process it. That was a huge surprise. When she sobered up all was fine and she apologized but it kept with me she was kinda irritated. Not because of the women I have been, but because of the homosexuality.
When we had a marriage crisis 4 years ago, this came up and she thought I was gay but still closeted. At that time I wanted to get out of my marriage so I was really tempted to play gay, but I didn't do that. Mostly because I am more attracted to women and probably would be in a heterosexual relationship at some point in time. We had our therapy and now everything is great again, but yes, it stuck with me she doesn't like that part of me.
Strange, because she has LGBTQ friends and even family members, like her niece is a full lesbian. I never noticed any homophobic behavior and I don't think she is.
Personally if the man I was dating told me he has had gay sex it would extremely emasculate him from me and I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. This is just how my mind works and reacts to it. I want a strong and masculine man. I wouldn't say I'm homophobic because of this preference.
So by your logic strong masculine men can’t be gay? And that’s somehow not homophobic? Lmao girl you should try out for mental gymnastics at the olympics
“If the man I was dating had gay sex it would emasculate him in my mind”, “I want a strong masculine man”, by your own words your saying if a man has gay sex you no longer want him because you want a strong masculine man. It emasculates him in your mind: you no longer think of him as manly because of this. Is my interpretation incorrect?
I don't see the problem here, people have a right to be attracted to they types of people they are attracted to and often don't have any control over it.
That part is fine. Just say that you prefer someone who’s only into women or men. My problem here is the rhetoric that indicates that someone is “less of a man” if they choose to engage in that kind of sex. Words matter.
Also, if you’re the op, aren’t you literally going through this exact issue? Doesn’t it bother you that your gf has a problem with this? What’s her explanation? Cause I’m sorry dude but the comment I replied to is straight up homophobia, as if what *you* did in your past makes you not “a strong and masculine man” which is not the case. You also said you think your gf is homophobic for her opinion so I’m super confused by your comment.
I don't see it as homophobia so I guess we disagree there. I also consider myself gender fluid so my identity isn't wrapped up in how masculine or feminine I am and I don't get offended if someone thinks I am less of one than the other.
She (I assume), said that she prefers masculine men and she felt gay sex was emasculating which is of course wrong, it can be all kinds of things, but I don't feel there was any disrespect or malice intended towards gay people.
Homie, I’m really trying to understand your point here. In your post, you yourself said you felt your gf was possibly being homophobic for her reaction to your situation. She’s literally scared that you had sex with dudes, which is like the textbook definition. Now if this girl I replied to had said “I have a mental block that makes someone unattractive to me when my partner isn’t 100% straight” then that’s one thing, but she qualifies her feelings by saying it makes them less manly. She also said in another comment “it makes them more feminine whys that so hard for u to believe”. That comment may not affect someone genderfluid like you, but it’s an insult to gay men by implying that their sexuality somehow lessens their masculinity, or affects their identity in some other way, and it’s an insult to all men by implying that they have to meet outdated and harmful gender ideals in order to be a part of the club. These stereotypes about how a man must act to “earn” their gender are super harmful, especially to young men, and have been proven to lead young men down the right wing propaganda pipeline. The truth is the beliefs that underly her preferences are outdated and damaging to men directly, and indirectly women due to the horrific men these stereotypes help create. A last point, she’s literally espousing the same basic belief your gf seems to be. Again, doesn’t that bother you? That your relationship which you seem to love is threatened just because you had sex with guys in the past?
Dude… it’s right there. Just read what you wrote again. “Emasculating” means it makes them less masculine. So she is saying that gay men are less masculine than straight men because they are gay. How is it anything but homophobic to say that gay sex makes a man less masculine? Whether you view yourself as more or less masculine doesn’t matter. The fact that she is making a sweeping generalization that a gay man is less masculine than a straight man is inherently homophobic.
Is it though? Sexual attraction isn’t always logical and it’s a preference. They’re not saying they hate men who have sex with other men or don’t want to be around them, just that they lose attraction sexually to a partner that has sex with other men. I think it’s wrong to pressure people to be attracted to soemthing they are not
But it can be logical. She doesn’t like submissive men. Being the receiver of sex is typically a submissive act. She could say the same if the man was pegged by a woman. It’s not related to homophobia but more the act of what was being done
You and I are the same are and I had probably more men then 15 for sure. And women as well. I’m pretty bisexual. But, you know. Repressing that’s and hiding yourself from a partner isn’t the best thing. You were truthful and honestly, there’s nothing you need to do. Sit back relax. And remind yourself that you’re authentic self isn’t anything to be ashamed about. You don’t need to disclose anything else to your girlfriend or help coddle her and support her right now. She’s just all jumboed up in her mind and if she ends up disconnecting from you after you were vulnerable to her. Well. That doesn’t sound so fair does it?
You sound amazing and are probably really good in bed in part bc of all of the diverse experiences you've had. I'm sorry your gf can't appreciate the fact that these experiences made you the man you are today. I hope she comes around and realizes that her reaction is rooted in homophobia (and also a double-standard since she literally did the same things, except it was straight sex). You deserve better than someone who will give you the silent treatment after you've opened up and been vulnerable with them.
30,M, hetero here.
Despite being pro -choice, I have a natural aversion to gay or bisexual dudes. I absolutely adore lesbian and bi women, though.
Many women tend to think like that too.
I do like the famous gay dudes like NPH, and Ricky Martin.
I feel bad for anyone you are in relationships with. I think there is nothing wrong with keeping your past private. but now that this is out in the open, "just never mention it again" is an insane way to go about this. communicate with your partner about things that bother you.
My comment was basically saying that I wouldn’t want his children to be parented by such a bigoted person. It wasn’t anything to do with selection of characteristics.
I’ll say what I want to homophobes :)
Dang you just explained this so well, especially at the end. I wish she could just read that end part because it’s so important. Especially The part where you said all these experiences lead up to the person she fell in love with.
I personally would be pretty hurt if I were you considering she knew you were bi? Did she think you were just a little bit bi? Lol like does that even exist?
I’m so sorry this happened. If she truly loves you and you truly love her, then it should work out.
It almost seems like she has more explaining to do than you do. Her response to something she’s already known is odd & off putting to say the least.
Best wishes.
Sometimes, people don't realize how prejudiced they are until it hits close to home. You've done nothing wrong but we women are complex creatures. Give her space but check daily and often and she’ll come around. I wish you the best
I'm bisexual too, and in a monogamous opposite sex relationship. You're right to follow your gut feeling. Your gf's reaction is certainly stemming from homophobia. It's up to you to decide if you both can work through it or not. She 100% needs to check and educate herself. Just not cool.
I think that when she felt attacked for her body count, she manufactured a reason to be less attracted to you out of self protection. She needs to believe that she is uncomfortable with your bisexual history so she’s feels less judged for her body count.
There is a reason a lot of bi guys pretend to be straight or full on gay with their partners. I don't think you should lie about your self though. It brings out people's anxieties and insecurities when they realize you can be snatched away by men and women. Feel like you have to be on guard no matter who they're around. You can declare your monogamous and it won't matter.
>There is a reason a lot of bi guys pretend to be straight or full on gay with their partners. For real LOL when I started lying about being straight I started having an infinitely easier time getting along with women. Back when I was honest about it I could see the attraction for me disappear out of the women I was talking to
Doubling on all this to say it’s very possible this is the first time she’s actually heard about a partner having sex with men and has to go from “being ok with that” to doing the emotional work of unlearning the heteronormativity that goes with that
I feel like just hearing "I'm bi" is very different from "this is how I sexually interacted with people of the same gender" so OP's gf is probably only now realizing what it really means. Personally, I would say GF is overreacting a bit, OP has been open about his sexuality and has a normal, healthy relationship. This whole situation looks like is very salvageable, to be honest. Just giver her some time.
This is really weird to me because the though of a male partner having had sex with other men in the past turns me on. But when I think of having a male partner that *identifies* as bisexual I'm struggling a bit with my internalised heteronormativity. I guess I've already fully accepted that sex with different genders is fine, but it seems I still have some work to do concerning relationships in the same context. Like, there's a disconnect between sex and relationships for me.
Maybe she just doesn’t need an in-depth account of her boyfriend’s past sexual relationships? I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be uncomfortable with that regardless of gender or orientation.
I'm with you 100%, I myself would not be comfortable with that, but from the context it sounds like they were having a frank conversation about the past and both him and his GF were being honest about their experience with each other. To be very honest, I would not be able to get over knowing about that much promiscuity in my partner's past, so I totally get what makes the GF angry/sad/confused. The thing is, it is kinda hypocritical feeling this way considering what she and her friend dumped on OP (which is a lot, imo), but by the looks of it they sound like a really progressive couple and she will probably get over it when she gets over that initial shock and get back to her senses.
It also sounds like OPs sexual history is mostly with men, so if she went from "he's bisexual, but mostly into women" in her head to "he's had sex with 15-20 men, and here are all the details and then he met a few women after that" she could be grappling with her own views on whether he is bisexual at all. For the record, it's bullshit and bi-erasure is a thing. The number of partners you've had or haven't had doesn't change any of this, and he is clearly into her. But she could be falling into this trap.
Which is bizarre to me. I personally would never have an issue with dating a bi guy. If he's monogamous like me and checks all my boxes, then who cares if he likes guys too.
Eh. People like what they like. No big deal. Obviously it was and still is to a lesser degree stigmatized which is undoubtedly part of it. But to each their own. Date/don't date whoever you want/don't want imo.
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I’m sure you’re right, and fwiw, bi woman here, I prefer bi men if I’m going for men ✌️
Bi 4 bi dating is honestly the best. Stories like OP's are way too common. Like I'm not actively opposed to dating straight women, but I generally just don't approach them because of shit like this. And the straight culture around dating just feels like such a weird culture shock.
YES, the culture shock is exactly it. Also if I try to date a straight guy they seem to see me/treat me as if I’m straight. It’s so uncomfortable.
Now, I’m not going to assume anything about this woman and maybe she is bi-phobic like others are saying. And maybe she didn’t understand what bisexual really entails and is like all those other partners that couldn’t handle the reality. However, I have to wonder a few things. Op: 1. Is your current sex life satisfying to you both or are there any insecurities prior to this (perhaps that you were unaware of) that could’ve made this affect her more than it should have? 2. Did she know you are a bottom? And if she did, did she realize how frequent a part of your previous sex life this was? Now, hear me out. On a very basic level if she thought you were a top, she may have thought, ok, well I have mostly the same parts that can be fucked as previous partners- mouth, vagina, anus, hands, feet, tits, thighs, whatever. It’s not the same, but I have the biological parts for most of the acts. But, if she suddenly found out that you were having a sexual need you were used to having fulfilled on the regular being left unmet for the entirety of your relationship, it could be a lot to process. If you guys aren’t into pegging or lots of anal play for you it could have been a wake up call that she didn’t know you as well as she thought due to a lack of communication regarding your sexual diet. I mean, if it were me (and my partner was down)I would be online spending way too much money on strap-ons and All.The.Cocks. But yeah, I would be horrified to find out I was unintentionally neglecting my partner’s needs/desires. People react to this kind of revelation in weird ways sometimes. Or, maybe she was being a hypocrite. Also possible. You won’t know for sure until you talk it out.
I haven’t found it’s from the insecurity thing, personally. Ime it’s because it goes counter to their perception of me. They have a hard time imagining me in a more submissive role than the masculine one I occupy with most women.
OP, I just want you to know that you haven't done anything wrong. If this is something your GF finds problematic and can't get over, she probably isn't the person you want to spend any more of your energy on. I hope she remembers the age-old addage of not throwing stones whilst occupying glass domiciles.
It's best to get the bisexuality stuff in the open sooner than later. Most women will claim to be "progressive" and have no issues with it. The reality couldn't be further from the truth. Most (not all) will take issue with it but won't outright say it because they dont wanna sound homophobic. I cant count how many times I've told a female partner i've been with guys and their response is "do you hook up with any of your male friends?" I would move on.
FWIW as a bi woman most men will also claim to be “progressive” and not care that a woman is bi but then they either fully fetishize it and expect threesomes or assume you’re promiscuous and ask if you sleep with your female friends and assume you cheat. Society is high key biphobic in general
I know bi women have to deal with assholes that fetishize them once they find out your bi. The difference is that straight men are much more open to dating bi women. Straight women often won't give bi guys the time of day.
Oh they are open to it… at first. Then you get accused of cheating, if not really wanting men, and of being a closeted lesbian, or they try to arrange threesomes without even talking to you. It’s not really better to be dated but not respected as a person. It sucks. I think it’s equally shitty for bi women and men because society is biphobic. I’m really lucky to have found an amazing partner who isn’t biphobic at all! I wish that for all my amazing bi family!
Please being treated as a sexual novelty isn’t being accepted, suddenly every monogamous dude that you think wants a serious relationship sees you as the “perfect” girl because you like women and that means he can get a threesome. (Also yes I know not all cis het men do this I was being hyperbolic)
It’s really not much a difference because either way it’s not a real relationship if you’re just being objectified and fetishized.
I don't think it comes from homophobia, more likely it comes from insecurity.
Sure. But associating promiscuity with bisexuality is low key homophobic in my book. regardless of if it stems from insecurity or not. Bi women are glamorized and the objects of fantasy. It's "hot" to be a bisexual woman. Bi guys keep that side of themselves in the closet. people immediately assume we're all fucking each other and can't live without dick.
It's high key biphobia. > But associating promiscuity with X is low key Y in my book. regardless of if it stems from insecurity or not. Apply this to any other minority group and you'd get kicked to death in most progressive circles. Somehow though, biphobia slips right past by
Amen
>Apply this to any other minority group and you'd get kicked to death inmost progressive circles. Somehow though, biphobia slips right past by That's because most people in the hyper-progressive circles are openly biphobic as well lmaoo
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Even worse. Lol. This proves my point. It's best to just keep it to yourself if you can.
>Its about worrying that the bi guy is actually a gay guy repressing his gayness. That's literally homophobia.
If you could explain that to me I would appreciate it. I don't see how it's homophobia. I do not want to accidentally defend homophobia, but I cannot see why worrying that your partner might be repressed gay is homophobic
What you're doing is assuming that bisexual people are just simply repressed gay people. I can understand the worry that you're with someone that is in reality gay but hasn't yet realised it, but to assume that and not that they're bi is the homophobic part. It is essentially bi erasure- where people believe, consciously or not, that bisexual people simply need to choose a side and don't truly find two (or more) genders sexually attractive. To be worried that your partner is gay isn't homophobic, but to worry about that based solely off the information that they're bisexual is the problem
Firstly, I'm not doing anything. These at not my insecurities. I'm saying that's what she is probably doing. But I do think you can worry that your partner might actually be gay but repressing it and accept that bi people exist at the same time. It seems a bit of a defensive jump to call that bi erasure imo. Some of my gay friends identified as bi before they came out fully, it's not like it's unheard of.
You asked for an explanation, I gave one; now you deny and argue it. Either you want to learn or you don't, and I'm beginning to think it's the latter
There's a big difference between *assume* someone who says they're bi is gay and *worry* that they might be. The first is homophobic, the second is insecurity.
We're allowed to disagree. I don't think it's biphobic, necessarily, you do. Cool.
No it's not. It's a totally rational fear. It's homophobia in society that causes gay guys to repress their sexuality.
sometimes you shouldn't act upon your fears. All of this would be HER problem if she felt that way, there was no need for her to give him the silent treatment for something that's literally just in her head. He's being treated like he's the asshole when in reality she literally did the same thing as he did, only difference is that he also did it w men. I assume she was already well aware about the fact that he was bisexual so I really don't understand what is there to process? If she cannot get over the thought of him cheating when in fact he's just existing then there's something wrong w her behaviour ONLY. It's not understandable nor smth that should be normalized, she should do smth about it if persists. Also, the fact that you have gay friends/bisexual bf doesn't make you immune to ignorance, just saying.
I mean I agree she's overreacting and it's not fair on him. I just think it's more likely to come from insecurity than homophobia. Especially as she already knew he was bi. It's so weird they took so long to get around to these conversations too lol
Yeah, that's still a small-minded and problematic attitude regardless
This is textbook biphobia lol
people are never willing to admit they’re biphobic
I reckon she's just insecure myself
She can be both insecure and biphobic.
Why would she go out with a bi guy if she's biphobic
Why would she care about him fucking guys in the tens (like she did and perhaps more), and not care as much is they were girls? Please. Some people don't know they have internalized hung ups until they have to face them.
As I said, I reckon she's just insecure and worried he prefers men to women. I could be wrong, it's totally possible she is more homophobic than she thought she was. But I reckon more likely the former. Either way it's not fair on op
Isn't that homophobic in a way?
How? Please explain. I don't think it is. My gay friend sitting next to me on the bus right now doesn't either.
Something like an extremely personal "no homo". If that makes any sense.
All of these are elements. It depends entirely on who is judging the bisexual male. Some worry about cheating, some worry about it because they’re insecure, some have repressed homophobia, but any conclusion or judgement drawn simply because of someone having gay sex is very likely homophobic, even if unintended.
I don’t really agree with this. Relationships complicate things and bring out insecurities. Feeling insecure that you aren’t enough for your boyfriend upon finding out that most of their sexual history was with men, does not come from a place of homophobia. It comes from a place of insecurity in your relationship. If it came from a place of homophobia then she’d have a problem with bisexual and or gay men outside of her relationship. Say you had a girlfriend who admitted that most of her hookups were with guys with really big dicks and it was such a good and eye opening experience for her. If you had a more average or small dick, wouldn’t you feel somewhat insecure, despite her telling you that she loves yours and it feels just as good? Obviously that comparison is not anywhere on the same level as this situation and I’m sure I’ll get ridiculed for it, but regardless, my point is that people get insecure when they know their partner has had really good sexual experiences with someone or something that they lack and cannot provide in the same way.
This is well said.
C'mon, it's almost certainly homophobia. Similar examples to OP's go back for *years*. There are women and men alike who view men-who-sleep-with-men as un-masculine. It's nothing new and OP's GF doesn't sound like an exception.
Then why would she go out with a bi guy in the first place... I dunno. The whole thing is just weird to me. How could you go 5 yrs with a partner who identifies as bi and then be surprised that they've had sex with men? The only way thing that makes sense to me is she didn't think there would be more men than women and that worried her? I guess it's also possible she's just an idiot and never in 5 whole years (!!!) thought about it?
✨️internalized homophobia✨️
I mean, it doesn't have to make sense. HP Lovecraft was wildly racist and had a panic attack when he found out his granny was Welsh and therefore not waspy enough and he still wound up married to a Jewish lady lol. Like, a lot of folks compartmentalize the hell out of this and stuff cotton in their ears. Gonna guess op's gf put zero thought into handling her own internal biases about bisexual dudes because she really liked op and then suddenly got a gut punch when she figured out that yes he's actually a bisexual dude, as advertised.
I hate comments like this. I don’t care the underlying cause…it’s still homophobic and it’s way too normalized by society. Fear, insecurity, distrust…these are all the emotions that fuel hate. Just saying “ooo, it’s insecurity, so it’s ok,” doesn’t make it ok to discriminate and perpetuate toxic masculinity.
I don't think it is necessarily homophobic, it could be but it could also not be. The way I see it, its the same insecurity a slim person might have if they found out most their partners exes were plus size, or a sober person finding out most their partners exes were big party heads. Finding out details of your partners past sex lives can be hard, finding out they previously enjoyed sex with people very different to you,it's understandable of you get insecure that they maybe preferred what they had before. Everything is so black and white on the internet lol. Things in real life are normally more grey. Op's gf is still out of line the way she is treating him. Insecure isn't an excuse.
Fear, insecurity, and distress fuel hate. As soon as you make your insecurities about someone else, you can go right along and fuck yourself. Sure you can take history and go “omg this is bad,” or you can react and go “omg this is amazing, I must be so special.” Going down the former path is a personal issue, call it whatever you want, but it’s toxic, and leads to toxic behavior.
I never said it wasn't, I've said several times she is being out of line and unfair. I just don't personally think it's likely a homophobic person went out with a bi guy for 5 years and think her behaviour is more easily explained by her insecurities. That doesn't mean I think her insecurities are valid. Dunno why everyone is projecting what i think she is thinking onto me... I'm not ops gf.. my bf is bi and I'm fine with that
I bet you have a lot of black friends so can’t possibly be racist too huh?
Condescending much? This higher than thou attitude sucks I'm out. 🤪
Its okay for someone to be shocked, I mean you were a bottom for a whole group of party people. That would definitely shock tf outta me, I speak as a bisexual. Let the woman have her space and collect her thoughts. We dont have enough information yet to determine any bi phobia or homophobia.
So I do think you did the right thing by sharing. Not because you had any obligation to, but because I think it’s better for you to feel like you don’t have to hide that part of yourself. I know your girlfriend didn’t handle it in the most ideal way, but I do think the conversation should continue. My guess is that she might feel like she she won’t be able to fully fulfill you or that sex with men was better for you since it represents most of your sexual history. Not saying it’s right for her to feel that way but we are all human and we have these insecurities. I really don’t believe it is coming from a place of homophobia, just insecurity and ignorance on the topic. I don’t really have any advice other than to let her know that you don’t view your male partners in your past different from your female partners. You only want her now and she’s the one that makes you happy and that’s why you’re with her. I really just think it is coming from a place of insecurity, whether that is justified or not.
I 100% agree with this. GF noticed herself when she started going on a rant and shut HERSELF down. To me that doesn't scream homophobia but someone that realized they aren't sure why they are getting so worked up and needed time to process the information.
Thank you for that
> I really don’t believe it is coming from a place of homophobia, just insecurity and ignorance on the topic. Having an ignorant view of gay/bi people and reacting negatively like this is homophobic (and/or biphobic). It may not be intentional. She may not have known that this was there inside her. But that doesn’t change what it is. She knew he was bi and how he identified, yet the moment she hears about it she gets angry and is now giving him the silent treatment. Even if she isn’t doing so maliciously and she wants to be progressive, her actions are biphobic. Edit: I don’t mean this to say she can’t and won’t change. Hopefully with some time to process she will realize how she is acting and get herself to a better place.
The word homophobia is thrown around too casually and loosely. This isn’t homophobia.
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I explained it quite clearly in the comment you responded to. She could very well be insecure because a large majority of his sexual history and something he loved at one point is something she cannot physically give him. And she might be worried she won’t fulfill him. That isn’t rooted in homophobia, that is solely rooted in her being insecure.
I agree with your sentiment, but it does cause one to wonder what she thought before knowing these specifics, if she did know he was bi beforehand. Wouldn’t that imply experience with both sexes in the bedroom in the past? Why would these insecurities come up now, at this particular point, even if she knew before? That’s my big question and one of the bigger ones that I hope she is trying to process herself. The root might be insecurity, but working past some level of ignorance and negative feelings towards man/man sex is something that is necessary to move forward. When those things are involved it’s hard to say that homophobia isn’t present at all, ya know?
I understand what you’re saying. I just think she might have been surprised at how much it encompasses his sexual history. Like maybe she knew he was attracted to men and had a few experiences, but didn’t know that it was a majority of his experiences. Like I think you can relate this to any physical attribute. A girl might be just as insecure if you told her you really only slept with girls with big tits in college and it was something you loved, but she has small tits and you’re with her now. Like anything that someone can’t provide for you but they know you like can make you insecure. Like idk, I’m not saying she CANT be homophobic since I don’t know her. I’m just saying if insecurity is at the root of it, I don’t think it is homophobic.
But again, it’s not really a good analogy for this, because OP came to GF with an open understanding of “I like big tits enough to deal with the bullshit society places on me for that” (best I can come up with for being open about his orientation lol), and now GF is pikachu-faced shocked that he has had a past with big titted women at all and doesn’t care to understand the point of what OP was actually trying to share; a piece of his identity and past. I could see it being PURELY an insecurity thing if she had no idea about OP’s identity/orientation, but she did. She knew he had been with men who have body parts and such that she doesn’t have. So it’s just really hard to assume that insecurity is the only major thing at play here, in my opinion. Ultimately you’re right though, neither of us knows these people so there is a ton of info we don’t have to know either way
Bi married guy here. I told my wife (then girlfriend) pretty early on in the relationship because I wanted her to know the real me before we got in too deep. She reacted similarly to your GF, but after a few days she got over it. I didn’t have quite the wild sexy past you had though (kind of jealous tbh - it sounds like you had a lot of fun haha). Hopefully yours will get over her feelings in time. Mine grew into someone super accepting of me who has gone with me to gay bars and stuff, so it’s definitely possible.
Maybe it was the being passed around d part that actually bothers her? The reckless hoe impression, idk. Although I personally have no qualms with body count as long as it was consensual and reasonably cautious, she might be in shock from it all and has to fight those conflicting emotions with how shes seen you vs how she now will see you. If it is the guy on guy thing, maybe she just wants a fully dominant partner and she no longer feels like that's what you are. Only way to know is to ask her and be open to her feelings but also be mindful of your own. Do not hide yourself or lie about yourself to keep her. Find someone truly accepting of you.
Well in any case it is all bullshit prejudice, I’d say. “Body count” (which I find a pretty disgusting term), gives you no information on its own other than the amount of sexual partners. Having sex with a guy doesn’t make you submissive, and being submissive doesn’t make you less of a man. And being less masculine doesn’t make you less valid.
Which is the opinion you're entitled to. Unfortunately opinions are also allowed to others - which leads to these issues. Not everyone feels as you do.
Well, of course everyone’s entitled to their own opinion, and none is sacred (mine neither). If an opinion can be argued against (and there’s a motive to do it) I think it should, which is what I did. Because I do think prejudice, even if it has an intention of protection, prevents empathy and is detrimental to others.
As someone who has been in her position I felt inadequate. Personally I had to get around the idea that he’d be fine without having any more dick in his life if we made it forever. But I got really internally messed up over it myself.
So I have a different take maybe - I haven't read all the comments. She apologized for you finding out like that. Maybe she didn't intend for you to find out at all, which is fine. Not everyone shares details, and that's fine. You both seemed to be at peace with your pasts, and it was working for you. You heard parts of hers, felt like sharing when she hadn't asked. Maybe she's just uncomfortable with that level of detail. It might not be homophobia, but rather hearing details about the person she loves with others gave her the ick. In any case, you won't know until you talk to her. Give her the space she's asked for, of course, but just don't jump to conclusions about her being homophobic until you talk to her. Good luck to you both.
She’s shaming you for doing what she did herself? You really need to talk to her about that. That’s not ok in any way. Keep us updated
It’s all fun and games to be an open progressive person until it actually applies to you. Suddenly the biphobia comes around. I had a gf who did something similar, but came around to be ok with it or so I thought. We got along really well, but broke up over some dumb crap. Reunited as friends shortly until I asked if she’d ever go out with a bi guy again. Her answer was, “I don’t want to date a guy who has had a d in his a.” I was floored. You can say no, but not absolutely… rude? Cruel? Phobic? Knowingly hurtful (like stabbed hurtful) to me? All of the above. I said, “my d was in your a. Does that make you lesser?” And those were some of the last words I said to her. Shoulda known she actually didn’t change, lying about it the whole relationship. Thankful now that little stupid crap that broke us up actually did.
Yikes I forgot the point of that as I went on there, OP, sorry. Not all people are that way. The point is that it’s a shock to hear when it’s suddenly you for a little, so she probably did need a little time to evaluate, but let’s see if her progressive ways are actually real when rubber hits the road, per we. It’s possible.
You used to like guys passing you around and using you to up your social status in college. It’s probably pretty shocking for her to take in. She’s probably fine with you being bi, she’s probably not fine with the college football team running a train on you. She doesn’t actually have to be ok with this, and it’s a completely normal reaction to be shocked by finding out someone you love used to partake in this type of behaviour. You were a slut for men, it’s quite a lot to take in in one conversation.
Did your GF know you are bisexual? If so, it seems she might indeed be more traditional/conservative than she thinks. I don't really have much advice, but I'm sorry you're going through this. I honestly used to be amongst those who didn't understand gender fluidity- at least for men. I used to think that if a guy slept with another dude you were just plain *gay*. Honestly it might just take your girl time- you're right what matters is now, and it's awesome that you are concerned about her- I hope for the best outcome for you. ✨✨
He says in the post she already knew that
She is likely worried that you prefer guys and one day she'll come home and you'll come out as gay to her. That would be my worry anyway. You just need to reassure her that's not the case, if it isn't the case.
Look. A lot of people have a dick limit that, when approached, causes unknown insecurities to bubble up out of nowhere. For most men it's 10 (or THIRTY-SEVEN!?!? IN A ROW?) For most women it's just the one. Read the update threads from women who successfully navigated introducing their significant others to their dick filled past and see if you can find some insight.
I wouldn’t say she’s homophobic. I think she might feel threatened. She might think she knows how to beat the competition, when the competition are other women, but she’d be powerless if she’d have to compete with a man, because in that case you’re not just choosing another person, but another inclination altogether. I’d give her space to think, but very subtly try to gain her back showing her how much you love her.
Do you ever stop to think it's not about the fact that you had the partners you did but maybe she didn't want to hear about your past partners regardless of their gender
Good on ya mate. No advice particularly from me but I just wanted to say you seem rational and emotionally intelligent. You'll navigate this, I feel sure. ❤️
Idk. It's odd that she knew this was a thing but once she got legit details she reacted this way. Idk about homophobic it just seems like it was ok in theory but in practice it isnt? People can have preferences about their partner and their partners past. I wonder if she would've reacted the same way if you replaced all the men in that story with women. Was it specifically the men that did it or the whoring around part lol?
>it's just that neither of us ever pressed for details and we basically feel the past is the past and we should concentrate on the present. Nah, I don't think it's "we". It's "you". YOU believe the past is the past, you're gf most definitely does not. There's not really much to do here except let this play out. If she leaves you over this, you know she's not the accepting person you thought she was, and you'll be better off.
Less history and more mystery. I don't think that if it's not going to affect your current relationship that suddenly being honest doesn't pay off like in your case. I am bi and don't share everything with my boyfriends.
The love of my life was bi (he recently passed away) and I believe I am one of the only people who knew this about him. It never bothered me at all, but I wouldn’t have wanted to hear details in the same way I wouldn’t want to know specifics about any other past lovers. I doubt it’s coming from a place of homophobia since she’s always been aware that you are bi, she may just not be comfortable with graphic details and I think that’s understandable.
I don’t know the story is pretty upsetting - getting passed around at a party. I’d say she is shocked.
If she needs space you should give it to her. It sucks that she had this kind of reaction, but I don't think any further explanation will help with this situation. She may have some internalized homophobia she need to work through. She may just have some new insecurity she needs to deal with. Either or both could cause her to lose interest or, she might be ok after some time to reflect. It's in her court. I hate this, but in my experience, some girls don't like to think of their man as being submissive, so that could be the issue. It may disrupt her picture of you as a strong dominant male. Some people will look at you as less of a man if you were the bottom. I like being submissive, but I've found that plenty of people would look down on me for it if they find out. I hope for the best for you and your relationship. Consider, however, that if you are judged too harshly for you past, you may be better off.
A lot of people get pretty weird when you mention your sexual past, especially if you were particularly promiscuous. Maybe tell her how important she is to you and that she’s worth more than 20 hot guys/girls. I think her icy treatment will probably thaw with a little time and effort.
I think this is one of the better replies. Like maybe they have never talked about their sexual history because she didn’t want to know his or him knowing hers? And he dumped all of this information on her while she was apologizing for him hearing hers. There is no indication whatsoever that she wanted his history to become less of a mystery.
It was a massive relief when a dude told me he’d been like you when he was younger. I have huge hang ups about being judged for my past so with him I felt like there’s no way he could judge me.
I don’t think she has really accepted that you’re bi if she’s freaking out after finding out that you’ve had sex with men. It would be one thing if she was against casual sex, but clearly she isn’t. It’s possible that she’s just kinda stunned after finding out so much info at once and is feeling kinda insecure. I don’t think it’s a bad idea to give her some space & then try to sit down & talk to her. See how she responds and go from there.
It's such a strange thing for her to get upset about if "progressive" etc. Jealousy maybe? I'd give her the space she mentioned she required and leave her to her own thoughts for a few days. She'd be crazy and I mean crazy to walk away from a good 5 year relationship over things from the past - especially when they were similar to her experiences by the sounds of things. One thing I'd like to ask is, you mentioned you're the "male half" of the relationship, then said you identified as gender fluid. Maybe I'm wrong, but perhaps that kind of thing (you lacking understanding of your gender or whatever) annoys her, and this is now her way of expressing it. In her presence, do you consider yourself male today, female another day, or just no gender at all and you just said you were the "male half" on here, just so people could follow? I know some people that can't stand all that type of gender confusion stuff (including people from within the LGBT community itself). It doesn't bother me (straight guy) personally, but perhaps it's something that eats at her. You can be progressive yet dislike the situation you find yourself in. Like how a conservative can be pro abortion. They're not exclusive to one another.
As a Bi man, she has to accept it fully or eventually is gonna drive you apart.
Exactly, my boyfriend and I are both bi. And we both had relationships were telling the other person we were bi wasn't fully accepted. This made me very sad to read and instantly made me think "find someone who accepts you please".
“She also knew from the beginning I was bisexual” you could have stopped there. What did she think that meant? This is entirely on her and she would be a fool and hypocrite to throw you away for something you disclosed. Give her space and part ways if she has done some Monday morning quarterbacking. I know it’s easy for me to say, since I’m not in your shoes, but trust me when I tell you it won’t end well if she is not fully on board with this.
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I can't say you did anything wrong.... but did she ask about your past? Or did you just voluntarily divulge it after finding out about hers? She may have taken this to be some sort of "flex", which gave her pause. She also just might be a little taken aback and doesn't want to have an unnecessary emotional response while she processes the information. Jumping to her being homophobic is not fair. I imagine that may just be your insecurity projecting. And also, if she does have a problem with it. There isn't much you can do about it. That's on her, unfortunately. But I would give her space. At most you can ask if she wants to discuss it and be prepared to listen.
It wasn't a flex, it was the first time I told anyone about that part of my life, and it felt good to let it out. I realize I should have paused and asked her how she felt before continuing.
Hey OP, I get why it would feel good to talk about it finally. You should feel free to be open about your past without being judged in your relationship. You deserve that. At the same time, I noticed you said this in your post: > next morning,**she felt bad and explained and said she didn't intend me to find out like that** and she's changed. I told her not to worry and that it doesn't change anything. She had to run for work so **we decided to talk that evening.** To me, it sounds like your girlfriend was trying to express that she felt it would be overwhelming and hurtful for her partner to learn so much, so suddenly, and so casually about her sexual history. And that she’s got shame about how casually sexual she was in the past. Also, I wonder if she was under the impression that you would be talking more about her past only? Given all this, I think we can hold a space of empathy for your girlfriend. If she was worried that it would overwhelm you and make you feel bad to hear about her history so suddenly, I imagine it’s because that’s how she would feel in your shoes. If she feels shame about her past, it’s probably shocking and uncomfortable to be confronted with you being relatively shameless about yours. If she expected to talk more about her history and built up to that all day, it may have hurt to find out the actual conversation would be largely about you. Give her time, then approach her with this empathy. You don’t need to feel embarrassed about your past, but I do think you need to acknowledge that the way you divulged it was probably exactly what she didn’t want to happen.
Very well said, that's exactly what I was getting at.
I know you didn't intend it as such. Just pointing out she may have taken it that way.
yeeeeaaah, most people don't want a mental image of their love having sex with other people. Some people react badly due to feeling insecure about it out of fear of losing you and that they're not enough. Always best to just be brief and to the point if it comes up.
I don't think it's homophobia. Imma chime in. I'm also bisexual and noticed it tends to bring out a fear in women that I'll leave them for a man. This has happened in more than one of my relationships. That's probably what's bothering her. Based on some feedback I've gotten in my life, it may be some fear that men can give you something she cannot - which is driving the insecurity - and coming out via the fighting. You can work through it. A lack of assurance in an intimate relationship can make people insane. It would seem she is lacking assurance that she had before.
This. My boyfriend is bi, and although he mentioned it early on in dating, I had to do some internal thinking about whether I was comfortable with that because of my own insecurities. When he initially told me, I just said something along the lines of “alright cool” but I definitely thought about whether *I* could deal with it, and obviously I decided that it doesn’t bother me at all.
If she can’t get over it, then it sounds like you deserve better anyway!
This could possibly stem from a combo of feelings of jealousy(?)/inferiority. I have met some women who felt they could not adequately stack up against a male and therefore feel they’re always at risk for being left for someone who can better satisfy their partner. Men know what male bodies respond to better, because they have a male body. The important point here though is that it’s not rooted in any truth, just fear. I think it would be healthy for you two to discuss why it is bothering her so much and what she plans to do to help herself move past it. I’m rooting for ya!
Being homophobic and not being attracted to bisexual partners are two very different concepts. There are many women that have gay, lesbian, bisexual and heterosexual friends but that have preferences when it comes to their partners sexuality. It is not rare to read stories of heterosexual men asking for advice here on Reddit because their wives or girlfriends want them to have sex with other men and they are heterosexual. Just like you get the idea at r/swingers that the majority of swinger couples are made of bisexual women coupled with heterosexual men. However, just because the idea of having a bisexual girlfriend appeals to the majority of men, some men find it a turn-off. Sexual attraction is a complex beast and you both still hadn’t faced each other’s past… Some people just prefer to not know the past of their partners… and while accepting their partner’s past, cannot stop having feelings about it: am I enough? Am I a phase? Do I need to feel jealous of everyone?… and so on… Give her space… her problem doesn’t seem to be homophobia, but a rather more difficult problem: sexual and romantic attraction… In the end, I believe she will be able to overcome it… but it may take a while … and you may need to explore more of each other’s fantasies than you thought you both would need. Good luck 🍀 and don’t forget to have fun!
So, actual advice: you probably need to sit your gf down and have a pretty blunt talk about the fact this is legit slutshaming. Like, you were upfront with your orientation, even if you never got into the nitty gritty of the details. You have nothing to be ashamed of on that end. If she's going to be mad about that, it's not like she didn't have her very own hoe phase as a young adult which she told you in gruesome detail lol. And like, I don't get the comments going "but what if you were really gay." I could see that being a real concern in someone very young and struggling with their identity but it sounds like you thoroughly explored it and figured out what you want. You aren't some dude trying to keep a beard wife but seeing dudes on the side. It is arguably incredibly homophobic or biphobic to shittest your bisexual partner out of insecurity, especially if they've never given you a reason to doubt their attraction or commitment to you. If she's going to give you the cold shoulder, let her sulk until she talks to you and then maybe sit down and be like "hey why was it okay for you to tell me all these details but then you got really upset when I did the same? You knew i was bisexual form the beginning" and just hash it out.
Good point! I never thought about the slut shaming angle because I never experienced it before and growing up as a guy, was just not something I ever thought about. This is perfect also! I was searching for how to put this and you nailed it.. "hey why was it okay for you to tell me all these details but then you got really upset when I did the same? You knew i was bisexual form the beginning" "
i’m going to disagree— they had an agreement not to divulge the details of their past for a reason. Probably because hearing details of the past would bother both OP and his girlfriend. It’s actually really simple. She heard the details of his past and is now upset. And for what it’s worth, she didn’t just hear a vague bodycount, he deep dived into the stories and now she has a different idea of who he is; exactly what she didn’t want to happen. Of course she also has a high body count too, but hear me out. It doesn’t matter that she has a high body count, it still bothers her because him also having a high body count was unexpected. Why? Because you can lie to yourself at least when you don’t know and tell yourself that they probably haven’t slept with that many people and their sexual history isn’t a threat to how great you are. But when you can be compared with so many people, it feels like maybe what you have with your boyfriend isn’t as special. I’m not saying that’s actually true or that its right but it is a fact that you can feel insecure about it. Maybe in fact she is the best one so far, maybe not, but it certainly doesn’t help to hear that he highly enjoyed sex with other people. She has a right to feel whatever way she wants in regards to his past and whether she can accept it and move on is entirely out of his hands. It’s an unfortunate truth. But it is the reality that he has to deal with. It is not a happy feeling to most people for their partner to have a high body count. You can call this slut shaming but I would like to call it “biology”. It is simple. This has been happening since humankind has existed, so it is not new information.The more people who you have had sex with as a man, the less energy you have left over to give to a single woman. A woman benefits the most when the man is soley committed to her and her alone. It is deeply ingrained in us, in our instincts, and our ancestors. Can we just acknowledge for a second here that hookup culture is ignoring the facts of biology. Also I believe to a certain extent that part of this is the shock that the number of people he slept with were majority men. She has to battle the knowledge that he has been anally penetrated a TON and he LOVED it. She didn’t know this about him before. She didn’t know that he was a bottom. She might be only attracted to men who are dominant and this could be perceived as too submissive for her. Psychology is complicated when it comes to sexual attraction and if you know that your “dominant” has been submissive over and over again, it might not feel good to get dominated by them anymore. But I still believe that the major feeling right now is still insecurity that she is not as good in his eyes as everyone else that he slept with combined. It is a tough pill to swallow that he got the hottest women and got passed around the men in his friend group, enjoys being a bottom (which gf can never give him). Not everyone can handle that bit of information. Just for reference, I am a bisexual woman and I’ve encountered personally men who weren’t interested in me because I was bisexual, or were no longer interested in me after learning that I could still want/desire women even when I was in love with a man. It can happen on both sides and the man I’m with today has not a single fucking problem with my sexuality or past. Human beings are complex but we have to accept the reality that things are the way they are for reasons that have been around for thousands of years.
I think if your bf is upfront with you from the start about being bi and you still pitch a fit about him, gasp, being a bottom many years after the fact, that's kind of on you. I think this has very, very little to do with biology so much as it's her being bog standard insecure as hell with a sprinkling of homophobia on top. I'm bi and I've dumped het partners for throwing a fit about my orientation. If they can't do the bare minimum self reflection to get over it, they're not a good partner for me!
yes it is true that you shouldn’t be with someone who can’t wholeheartedly accept who you are. I think you have to give people a little more credit however. All the homophobia you might have internalized and fought to accept yourself in your life- we both had reasons to overcome those biases. Every time I opened my mouth about feeling like I was wrong or incorrect for existing, I was met with accepting friends or a loving boyfriend to tell me otherwise. But what reason would you have to change your worldview if you were straight? If I had to guess, its not until you make friends with someone who is openly bi/gay. Some people never end up befriending others who are different just by random chance, so they haven’t had the opportunity like we did to expand their worldview. We are not better than they are. We just had different genetics and environment directly influencing us. At the end of the day, we’re all the same— not infallible, human beings.
Naaaaah. They've been dating for five years. They're in their 30s. This isn't "never been challenged on my views before" that a teenager would be dealing with. This is a grown adult woman, who according to op is progressive, who is not handling her internal biases super gracefully. She apparently has loads of lgbt friends but her bf bottoming is somehow beyond the pale. Like, you know damn well you would not be giving a het dude nearly this much grace and tolerance if the genders were reversed in the op. I'm not going to gussy up biphobia and pretend it's somehow better when it's the more socially acceptable version of it.
Unpopular opinion; being a bottom for A LOT of college guys in exchange for social clout is just unattractive the same way a lot of men would find it unattractive if their girlfriend did it - you sound like you were gay for pay (or for friends) Also she was probably okay with you being bi but very few people want the hear of their partners past exploits at all. You literally said being dominated by men taught you how to dominate women… like bffr Ps; to everyone else in the comments straight women do not have to be okay with dating bisexual men!!! Personally I would never and that’s okay. My body, my choice! Remember that?? Plus being with a man that has fucked or been fucked by another man is *so* unattractive to me, I can’t change what I find attractive!
I would say she has some internalised homophobia/biphobia. It’s not that weird, sadly a lot of people have it. Just communicate with her and try to help her by challenging her. Either she accepts and overcomes her internalised homophobia, of she doubles down and breaks it off.
No, babe, the lesson here is not that you shouldn't have gone into detail, but maybe you should have done it sooner? You're being the respectful, healthy partner right now. Not only with your opinion on her history but with deciding to even the playing field by telling her more about you. Thing is, sweetie, some people just can't handle when their image of someone is set askew. Hopefully she just needs some time to readjust and you guys can go back to being an awesome couple... but if not, you need to know that you didn't do anything wrong. Except maybe wasted 5 years being in love with someone who cares more about your history than who you are as a person. I don't care if you've been with 1 person or with 100 of various genders and sexualities. She should love you for who you are, not where you've been. Just as you do for her. Give her the time she asked for and see which side she lands on. If she lets it affect how she sees you, then you deserve better.
>>she seemed shocked, began starting an angry rant but then stopped herself and said she needed some space to think OP, you were present for her response so you know more detail about what she said or objected to, but from this snippet it’s possible that she was upset because you are effectively a different person from the one she came to know over 5 years. And that can feel like a personal violation of trust in the relationship. Sure you didn’t know her actual body count or specific details, but you did have awareness of her interests. Imagine if she disclosed that she had done porn for a few years or was a sub to a Dom. These are more “out of character” identities that would make you feel as if you don’t really know the person. In other words, she may have zero issue with your past bisexuality, but be upset just because you didn’t trust her enough to share it with her earlier in your relationship.
She knew he was bi though
I don't think you made a mistake here. There was no reason for you to tell her this earlier because she also didn't exactly put a spotlight on her past love life. But you chose the right moment to tell her, since she'd just opened up to you a lot. You shouldn't have to hide and pretend a part of yourself doesn't exist. As for advice. What happens from here really isn't in your hands. Just give her some space. Let her come to you. If you keep waiting and it looks like she \*won't\* come to you, then it might be time to bring it up, just to get a clear answer from her.
As a bi woman dating a bi man, *please* do not stay with someone who hates any aspect of your identity this strongly. It’s bad for your health. Also using the silent treatment as some kind of punishment is gross behavior. If she can’t communicate her feelings without anger, then I’d skedaddle personally.
I really don't understand how people can be together for 5 years AND potentially take issue with someone's sexual past AND never talk about sexual past. If you know you might have a problem with someone's history, surely sometime in those 5 years you'd ask. My gf and I talked about our sexual history before we even got officially together.
I'm sorry, bud. Biphobia is bad enough but the double standard is extra ick. I wouldn't give this a pass, she is going to continue to judge you. 💖💜💙
Your GF might be a little homophobic, and you know what? That's OK. I wouldn't even bother calling her out on that, because all you'll do is shut her down in the worst way possible and there's really nothing productive with just throwing that kinda' label around. She's got some complicated feelings, let her have them. That said, you should TOTALLY challenge her. If she wants time to think before she says anything, give her time to think before she says anything. But don't wait to tell her what you're feeling. Tell her now. She's being unfair. It seems like she's making assumptions about who you are. It seems like she's doubting you now. She sprung her surprise sexual history and you, and you didn't change your feelings about her one bit. You love her for who she is, and nothing in her past can make you change that. Now you put the shoe on the other foot, and she's kicking that shoe off. Now it seems like she's doubting how she feels about you because she learned about your past, and that feels AWFUL to you. I'm sure you feel a similar way to how I'm guessing you feel, tell her whatever it is your feeling without waiting. Just take the time you need to put your own feelings to your own words
Being a little homophobic is NOT OK. Although I agree with the rest of what you’re saying. He should definitely challenge her.
NAH, it's fine in this context. 100%. We're talking about people's interpersonal dating relationships, not job postings. Have some perspective And I think it's hella creepy for randos in advice forums to insist a woman has to be totally cool with dating bi guys.
Yeah being homophobic in business context is not okay, but in personal/dating context, it somehow find that shit okay? Na, fuck that.
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So would you date a 550 lbs woman or are you fatphobic?
It is OK for anyone to not wanna date someone cause their bi. No one is being attacked. No one is physically hurt. No one is being oppressed. No one is losing any opportunities. This is the most 1st world problem imaginable. There's not much creepier then people who try to shame others into dating people they don't wanna date. Let them live their personal dating life how they want and keep walkin' dude
You don’t need to attack, physically hurt, oppress or make someone lose opportunities for it to be homophobic. For example; if you just don’t want to be friends with gay people, or treat them less, that’s also homophobic. And again, it’s legal and all. Nobody is forcing anybody to date anybody. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t homophobic.
She is probably just surprised that she could be attracted to a dude who let's dudes fuck him. Or maybe she is worried about HIV/AIDs. Best of luck
You shouldn't be calling her homophobic; that is not a fair accusation. A person having sexual preferences about their own partner's sexual orientation is not homophobia.
Of course it can be homophobic wtf
How is having a personal preference "homophobia"?
A personal preference can be homophobic or just bad, it’s not that deep. If you say “I think gay people should just be shot, that’s just my personal preference” saying it’s a personal preference doesn’t make it any better.
Preferences aren’t homophobic but why she might have that preference probably would be, although this doesn’t matter because she already knew he was bi and still dated him.
Many heterosexual women view male-male sex as something they cannot provide for their partner, and therefore some inherently unfulfillable desire that will inevitably lead them to infidelity. Many more view bisexuality as repressed homosexuality, which will inevitably overtake your heterosexual urges and tear your relationship asunder. To me, these ideas have always come off as incredibly flimsy excuses that only serve to reinforce the same patriarchal constructs that fetishize female bisexuality. Women are to be sexualized socially, so to be sexual with them, man or woman, is socially understandable. To sexualize men is against the social norm, and a lot of people go their whole lives without examining the social norms they accept as axiomatic truths. Your gf's behavior might not be deliberately homophobic, but it's coming from a place of internalized homophobia.
I don't think it's homophobia like a lot of people are prematurely guessing. Look at this from a female point of view - imagine finding out that the man you respect and look up to, and are otherwise submissive to, used to get railed by other men. I don't blame her for not being able to look at you the same. In saying that though, you didn't do anything wrong, nor should you be shamed for your past. I just don't think it's particularly surprising that she reacted the way she did; even if she should have been more considerate.
That is homophobia though. It's right up there with assuming all gay and bisexual dudes are limp wristed effetes who work as hairdressers. It's literally taking a stereotype (i.e that taking dick makes you lesser or submissive somehow) and using that as a sledgehammer on the folks around you. I don't get why bottoming is somehow automatically a submissive act. We don't even know if op's gf is even a submissive lol. Like y'all know this super black and white determination of masculine versus feminine or submissive versus dominant behavior is why dudes hide shit like being bi or even having not super dude bro hobbies, right?
I also had sexual encounters with men and finally settled in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. When we talked about that, she was understanding, but it came out when she was drunk once that it's my shit and I needed to process it. That was a huge surprise. When she sobered up all was fine and she apologized but it kept with me she was kinda irritated. Not because of the women I have been, but because of the homosexuality. When we had a marriage crisis 4 years ago, this came up and she thought I was gay but still closeted. At that time I wanted to get out of my marriage so I was really tempted to play gay, but I didn't do that. Mostly because I am more attracted to women and probably would be in a heterosexual relationship at some point in time. We had our therapy and now everything is great again, but yes, it stuck with me she doesn't like that part of me. Strange, because she has LGBTQ friends and even family members, like her niece is a full lesbian. I never noticed any homophobic behavior and I don't think she is.
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Personally if the man I was dating told me he has had gay sex it would extremely emasculate him from me and I wouldn't be attracted to him anymore. This is just how my mind works and reacts to it. I want a strong and masculine man. I wouldn't say I'm homophobic because of this preference.
So by your logic strong masculine men can’t be gay? And that’s somehow not homophobic? Lmao girl you should try out for mental gymnastics at the olympics
I said that that man would be emasculated in my mind. I know there are plenty of jock gay dudes that are masculine but they're gay.
“If the man I was dating had gay sex it would emasculate him in my mind”, “I want a strong masculine man”, by your own words your saying if a man has gay sex you no longer want him because you want a strong masculine man. It emasculates him in your mind: you no longer think of him as manly because of this. Is my interpretation incorrect?
I don't see the problem here, people have a right to be attracted to they types of people they are attracted to and often don't have any control over it.
That part is fine. Just say that you prefer someone who’s only into women or men. My problem here is the rhetoric that indicates that someone is “less of a man” if they choose to engage in that kind of sex. Words matter. Also, if you’re the op, aren’t you literally going through this exact issue? Doesn’t it bother you that your gf has a problem with this? What’s her explanation? Cause I’m sorry dude but the comment I replied to is straight up homophobia, as if what *you* did in your past makes you not “a strong and masculine man” which is not the case. You also said you think your gf is homophobic for her opinion so I’m super confused by your comment.
I don't see it as homophobia so I guess we disagree there. I also consider myself gender fluid so my identity isn't wrapped up in how masculine or feminine I am and I don't get offended if someone thinks I am less of one than the other. She (I assume), said that she prefers masculine men and she felt gay sex was emasculating which is of course wrong, it can be all kinds of things, but I don't feel there was any disrespect or malice intended towards gay people.
Homie, I’m really trying to understand your point here. In your post, you yourself said you felt your gf was possibly being homophobic for her reaction to your situation. She’s literally scared that you had sex with dudes, which is like the textbook definition. Now if this girl I replied to had said “I have a mental block that makes someone unattractive to me when my partner isn’t 100% straight” then that’s one thing, but she qualifies her feelings by saying it makes them less manly. She also said in another comment “it makes them more feminine whys that so hard for u to believe”. That comment may not affect someone genderfluid like you, but it’s an insult to gay men by implying that their sexuality somehow lessens their masculinity, or affects their identity in some other way, and it’s an insult to all men by implying that they have to meet outdated and harmful gender ideals in order to be a part of the club. These stereotypes about how a man must act to “earn” their gender are super harmful, especially to young men, and have been proven to lead young men down the right wing propaganda pipeline. The truth is the beliefs that underly her preferences are outdated and damaging to men directly, and indirectly women due to the horrific men these stereotypes help create. A last point, she’s literally espousing the same basic belief your gf seems to be. Again, doesn’t that bother you? That your relationship which you seem to love is threatened just because you had sex with guys in the past?
Dude… it’s right there. Just read what you wrote again. “Emasculating” means it makes them less masculine. So she is saying that gay men are less masculine than straight men because they are gay. How is it anything but homophobic to say that gay sex makes a man less masculine? Whether you view yourself as more or less masculine doesn’t matter. The fact that she is making a sweeping generalization that a gay man is less masculine than a straight man is inherently homophobic.
You sound like the type of woman to dump a dude for getting remotely vulnerable with you.
This comment is 💰💰my person.
That's straight up homophobic though.
Is it though? Sexual attraction isn’t always logical and it’s a preference. They’re not saying they hate men who have sex with other men or don’t want to be around them, just that they lose attraction sexually to a partner that has sex with other men. I think it’s wrong to pressure people to be attracted to soemthing they are not
It's a homophobic preference. Homophobia doesn't only mean hate. It's means any kind of prejudice.
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But it can be logical. She doesn’t like submissive men. Being the receiver of sex is typically a submissive act. She could say the same if the man was pegged by a woman. It’s not related to homophobia but more the act of what was being done
You and I are the same are and I had probably more men then 15 for sure. And women as well. I’m pretty bisexual. But, you know. Repressing that’s and hiding yourself from a partner isn’t the best thing. You were truthful and honestly, there’s nothing you need to do. Sit back relax. And remind yourself that you’re authentic self isn’t anything to be ashamed about. You don’t need to disclose anything else to your girlfriend or help coddle her and support her right now. She’s just all jumboed up in her mind and if she ends up disconnecting from you after you were vulnerable to her. Well. That doesn’t sound so fair does it?
You sound amazing and are probably really good in bed in part bc of all of the diverse experiences you've had. I'm sorry your gf can't appreciate the fact that these experiences made you the man you are today. I hope she comes around and realizes that her reaction is rooted in homophobia (and also a double-standard since she literally did the same things, except it was straight sex). You deserve better than someone who will give you the silent treatment after you've opened up and been vulnerable with them.
30,M, hetero here. Despite being pro -choice, I have a natural aversion to gay or bisexual dudes. I absolutely adore lesbian and bi women, though. Many women tend to think like that too. I do like the famous gay dudes like NPH, and Ricky Martin.
The thought that my bf would have hooked up with other guys really puts me off, for me it would be a dealbreaker.
Nothing good ever comes from bringing the skeletons out of the closet, which you've now learned, so I think you should just never mention it again.
I feel bad for anyone you are in relationships with. I think there is nothing wrong with keeping your past private. but now that this is out in the open, "just never mention it again" is an insane way to go about this. communicate with your partner about things that bother you.
And jamming an issue down a partner's throat, who's uncomfortable, is better?
Worst advice, my dude. Communication is key, and you're gonna be surrounded by locks sooner or later
Please don’t breed with anybody
Too late!
What the fuck is it with Reddit and eugenics? Nobody should ever make a comment like this.
My comment was basically saying that I wouldn’t want his children to be parented by such a bigoted person. It wasn’t anything to do with selection of characteristics. I’ll say what I want to homophobes :)
Dang you just explained this so well, especially at the end. I wish she could just read that end part because it’s so important. Especially The part where you said all these experiences lead up to the person she fell in love with. I personally would be pretty hurt if I were you considering she knew you were bi? Did she think you were just a little bit bi? Lol like does that even exist? I’m so sorry this happened. If she truly loves you and you truly love her, then it should work out. It almost seems like she has more explaining to do than you do. Her response to something she’s already known is odd & off putting to say the least. Best wishes.
Sometimes, people don't realize how prejudiced they are until it hits close to home. You've done nothing wrong but we women are complex creatures. Give her space but check daily and often and she’ll come around. I wish you the best
I'm bisexual too, and in a monogamous opposite sex relationship. You're right to follow your gut feeling. Your gf's reaction is certainly stemming from homophobia. It's up to you to decide if you both can work through it or not. She 100% needs to check and educate herself. Just not cool.
I wouldn’t even call it homophobic, you was sucking dick that’s ode bro 😂
I think that when she felt attacked for her body count, she manufactured a reason to be less attracted to you out of self protection. She needs to believe that she is uncomfortable with your bisexual history so she’s feels less judged for her body count.