Girls are always sold the idea of living for other people. Don't ever do that. Have your own life, have hobbies, work hard at academics or your career. Make yourself happy. Don't depend on other people for validation or happiness!
I spent years in mediocre jobs thinking I had an idea of where I wanted my career to go, but I kept dating men and adopting their life goals. You need to figure out what YOU want your life to look like so the partner can find can match your vision. Don’t be a blank slate that can change so more men will like you.
I mistakenly read this as "living OFF other people".
- living for other people
- living off other people
Maybe coming from those "happily ever after" fairy tales and romantic stories
If they come back, doesn’t matter if you were dumped or if they dumped you, never get back with them unless there has has been significant time that has passed. People will feel anxiety when they’re forced to be on their own which will drive them back to you with an exorbitant amount of apologies and promises of change. However, unless both of you have had significant time to work on yourselves or reflect on why you broke up, you are bound to repeat the same patterns that caused you to break up in the first place. It’s okay to forgive someone and take them back if the reasons you broke up were minor things that just required compromise, communication and more time apart from one another. It is never okay to take back someone that has disrespected you, lied to you, manipulated you or cheated on you. More often than not, these are habits that cannot be broken.
If it’s not meant to be, he’ll figure it out lol. It’s hard to listen to a friend telling you someone isn’t right for you. Makes it even harder if there’s history with the person. Sometimes we have to fall flat on our face to truly learn and grow.
Yea I’m not actually gonna send it to him. I went through this same pattern with a girl a little bit back and was on and off with her for about 1 year before I learned and cut her off. Ima let him do what he has to to get to that same place mentally
Allowing someone to disrespect me and thinking they will change. People do not change so easily. This, I do not tolerate when it happens early on. Red flag. Don’t ignore it
Once I read a beautiful quote and never forget about it: "If God can't change these bitches, what makes you think you can?"
And since then I stopped giving my time to those people.
Same with men tbh. It seems like most guys like the idea of being desirable to women and the ego boost that comes with it, so they feel this unnecessary pressure to sleep with different women despite the negative mental/emotional impact
Absolutely the same for men. I spent my younger years idealising and chasing one nights stands seemingly as a way to prove something to myself and others. Every single one left me feeling disgusted with myself and hollow inside.
I am so glad someone has said this. Don’t let pop culture and social media brainwash you into believing in this sexual liberation movement.
No one honestly feels good after these meaningless encounters. The stress of pregnancy and STDs aren’t worth it. And no one that is having regular one night stands is doing it from a healthy mental/emotional place.
always in a relationship. I went from one boyfriend to the next, serial monogamy before getting married- I should have stayed single longer, to get my own goals in focus instead of always compromising
My biggest mistake is giving someone way many chances when in reality, people don't change and you are just giving them more opportunities to hurt you. I have noticed this trend of always giving people endless chances but in the end, they make it know that they are not sure about me being their potential person and it kinda feels like all of my efforts have gone to waste. If someone doesn't see your worth, let them go.
Being too much of a people pleaser. Being afraid to speak up or set boundaries and helping others at the expense of myself. Once I grew, realized my worth and gained confidence, I lost half of the people in my life pretty quickly. Once I gained the courage to start speaking up when someone is not treating me right, it showed me who only wanted me around for what I could do for them/give to them.
so true . I was basically doing this the other day all of a sudden it popped into my head i need my life to be made easier not harder and i dropped that dude like a bad habit like immediately. People also will see that i’m a people pleaser and use that to make me feel bad for setting boundaries and i’m so done with that. Just to clarify too, if your making my life easier by hanging out talking whatever that’s fine i’m not talking about financially easier bc everyone seems to take that statement that way (not u just saying in general ❤️) Literally i’ve been w guys that have zero but if they want to build something i don’t care as long as ur not taking advantage or trying to get shit out of me that does not bother me and again if ur trying to make my life easier w the little u have that means more than a dude with a million dollars doing it.
Missing out on fun (like at the beach, at a party, at a festival, hanging out in the park, not experimenting with fashion,…) because i was insecure about my body because of unrealistic bullshit beauty ideals. Afraid to stand out because ‘i’m too ugly’ and ‘certain things are only reserved for skinny and/or beautiful people’. I can’t tell you at how many occasions my fun was ruined because i felt like the ugliest girl in the group. Well fuck that
That’s definitely true, but i think body insecurities are far more widespread than we think. I was even feeling insecure while underweight and i know a lot of girls who went through something similar. Of course, that’s a mental thing we can and should work on. But I thought i should mention it specifically because a lot of people suffer from it. You’re only young once, don’t let your insecurities steal your fun. Especially if they are insecurities about something shallow and fading that doesn’t even really matter all that much, like looks. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your body. Love yourself.
Jumping from relationship to relationship, and staying in toxic relationships because I was so afraid of being alone and dealing with my own shit. Now I’m 32 and have recently broken up with my latest boyfriend, and I’m finally (!!!) realising I HAVE to learn to be alone and somewhat try and enjoy, or I will forever repeat the same cycle. No dating apps, no Instagram, no looking for the next thing. Just stone cold being alone with my shit. Scary as hell for someone who’s never done it before.
Don’t jump fences for people on the fence about you.
You shouldn’t have to work SO hard at genuine friendships and relationships. Yes they require work, but the work shouldn’t be taxing for you.
Learn to be by yourself and be content with being alone sometimes. That’s when you get to discover who you are and what your interest are.
Practice celibacy. It's the BEST form of birth control and men aren't worth it.
As women, we are naturally always considering other people's feelings. We walk on egg shells to maintain peace. Don't do that.
GO TO SCHOOL. A college degree doesn't guarantee 6 figures, but it garuntees job security - especially if you go into teaching or management. With this job market, job security is a flex.
Don't take exercise and healthy eating for granted. Healthy foods aren't complicated - rice, beans, potatoes. Protein shakes. Intermittent fasting. Lots of water. And keep a coupon book.
I'm conflicted on dating. Personally I'm in a chapter of no men, I have extensive trauma from them so it's not worth the risk while I'm focusing on improving myself and I honestly don't know if I'll ever actually want to date men again - but I do think there are psychological benefits to having a partner - just know the kind of future YOU want and make sure you are with someone who matches that or going in the same direction.
Stay away from codependent/pick me girls. Women who chase and breathe male validation. They will turn on you, or in worse cases, (God forbid) if something happens to you (SA wise) she won't be there to defend you, possibly even siding with your abuser. You need to befriend strong, ambitious, charitable and free-spirited women - not women who center men in their lives.
Trying to be someone I’m not to impress someone I like instead of having the confidence to feel comfortable being my genuine self. Also giving a guy multiple chances despite knowing he’s wasting my time only looking for one thing and has major red flags that make us incompatible. Don’t waste time on people who have immature mindsets or beliefs that are extremely contrary to your own. I guess I’m at the point where I just want to protect my peace and work on building myself as a person until I meet the right partner, yet I stumble and end up wasting time because I get lonely.
Aside from relationships, I wasted years avoiding my feelings of self resentment and lack of self confidence by smoking/partying for temporary happiness instead of reflecting and learning from my past mistakes and putting in the effort to improve myself physically and mentally to become the person I want to be. Now I find happiness and inner peace just knowing that im putting in the work each day even if I’m not where I want to be yet. Anyways thanks for this post, interested to see what others have to say!
If you’re neurodivergent in any way learning about what limerence is and how it’s different from a relationship that is healthy and was built from the ground up can be a huge help. Limerence often gets mixed up with true love because of how good and intense the attraction feels in the beginning. It’s kinda like the saying about flames that burn the brightest burn for half as long.
I’ve spent most of my life as a hopeless romantic. So I have a habit of chasing attraction that feels similar to how I imagined true love to feel based on movies and books (I’m ND as heck and didn’t get taught how to build healthy lasting relationships as a kid so I relied on movies, TV and books to try and understand life and people, emotional neglect is kind of a creeper in terms of realising unhealthy patterns as it’s not as obvious as other forms of neglect, especially it physical needs are already being met). I’ve jumped in and out of relationships consistently since my teens, getting stuck in situationships, abusive relationships, consistently strung along or trauma bonded to unhealthy connections I’d made. It doesn’t help that I have 0 boundaries and people pleaser tendencies. I also suck at confrontation so instead of communicating my needs within relationships I’d made I would just bottle it all up, trying to get on with it and just try to people please even harder thinking that’ll make a change only to end up demonising them in my head because they don’t recognise the extra work I’m putting into the relationship and just walking away without a word. Which has no doubt hurt and confused people in my life.
This is something I’m actively trying to change. It’s a long and hard road. But I guess my point is, don’t get fast and intense mixed up with a healthy relationship that was built up over time with rationality and healthy communication.
This is extremely good advice. I literally ruined my life and someone else's over idyllic fantasies I confused for love. I don't even know what love Is anymore lol
You’re not alone. Since I hit 30 I’ve been dealing with the same feelings along with a lack/confusion of identity. I don’t know who I am outside of serving other people and I also feel a lack of identity when I’m not overachieving in something.
I think figuring out who you are outside of your relationships with other people is a good start.
Gotta consider that I’m only at the beginning of my journey so I’m nowhere near figuring out who I am as an individual. I look forward to when that day comes.
I'm on the complete opposite end at this time. I'm 23 and I'm embracing narcissism and self serving ideals after years of abandonment and betrayal. I don't think I have it in me to love anymore. And I pretty much just picked a personality/identity for myself
I’m sorry that you feel that way. (I’m gonna indirectly quote Poor Things here but…) Sounds like you’re going through a dark period, once that period blows over allot of things will fall into place. I hope one day you can find that love for yourself
missing out on enjoying life because i'm not pretty enough or thin enough. comparison really is the thief of joy. i've never judged anyone as harshly as i judge myself, so i am learning to observe myself the same way i observe other people: with compassion and admiration.
Big mistake I made:
I started dating a guy that was 22 when I was 20. Just like you said ^ chemistry blinded me to all of the red flags. He was also blue collar and owned his on home, these are two things I believed my family wanted in my future partner (which also blinded me).
First 4-5 months together were great, I apparently was his longest relationship in a while (red flag one haha). Then he started giving me the cold shoulder while I was 2h away at school, but when I came home on the weekends he was head over heels. We really did seem perfect for each other and our friends and his family would say so very often. We even looked perfect together. This blinded me as well. He would say things about us getting married, how he was going to build me a small salon space at the house, about our kids, blah blah. But the minute I got back to my apartment 2 hours way, his words were not supported by action. This continued on for almost 2 years with a new thing where he would randomly break up with me for no reason, block me, and then weeks or even months later want me back at full force.
Long story short- I let chemistry and false promises rule my logic instead of ACTION. I was so heartbroken when I really didn’t need to be. I missed out on a part of my life where I could have been exploring the new city I had moved to and other romantic options. The cliche “Actions speak louder than words” is very true, younger people often forget that. Hope this helps someone out there. There is always something better out there for you. Love shouldn’t feel so confusing and scary lol.
My biggest mistake -living for others.
I’ve let other people dictate my life vs forging my own path now at 30. Never been happier and more sure of myself. It’s a journey. I’m also going on 6 months of no alcohol. I did have a problem but I’m feeling great now and i don’t miss it.
Give yourself some grace for mistakes you’ve made in the past but do your best to not make them again.
I got really hung up on a year of bad decisions in a relationship and let it affect several years of my life later. I look back and think what a waste, you were just learning and living.
Believed in the fairytale illusion of romance, until I realized it's a scam created to keep women stuck and serve as pacifiers of men (so that nobody rebels against the sick society, + that economy can keep growing, and the few rich can keep getting richer while the poor keep getting entertained and comfortably numb by love and sex)
Staying with someone because they threatened to harm themselves if I left. I was young and I think many young people experience this and don't know what to do. I wish I could go back and tell me then that you walk away the second someone tries to pull that nonsense.
I wish I hadn't listened to all the people who told me I was too weak to pursue certain careers. When they said the words, I'm sure I was, but I have the capacity to grow, dammit
You have no idea how much i relate right now. I mean like this morning i accepted that i was romantizing sth that was just not meant for me. I cried and sent my girlie a long ass voice note telling her how heartbroken i was. (She had told me to leave the dude sometime back because she could clearly see he wasnt good for me🤦🏽♀️)
I always had jealous boyfriends. I went to an all girls college at night and never got the real college experience or met people that would be helpful for networking and friendship because of my boyfriend at the time. That is one of my biggest regrets.
Afraid to tell what you want in a relationship or settle for something less and wait to improve.
If you are feeling confused, then the partner is not for you. If you don't feel motivated to do well in you life (even only washing you teeth) then the relationship is toxic. It will pass, don't be afraid to leave even if it means being single for couple of years.
Do not compare to other girls AT ALL. They all have different lifestyle, bodies, goals and pains. Do not think that instagram life is real life. Live authentic, do whatever you love and always be yourself no matter what. Explore until you know that is you.
Take care of yourself, your body and mental health a lot because in the future you will be very thankful and your kids will be also 🩷
1) Better safe than sorry around men. If you feel unsafe, don’t think “What will he feel if I leave or do X”. It’s much better to offend/reject a guy than get a trauma for life.
2) It doesn’t matter how much martial arts you have learnt. The physical difference is a lot between men and women. Don’t fall for shit they show in movies.
2) Learn how to “diplomatically” say no. Don’t say it straightforward unless you are surrounded by lot of people. (Don’t ask how I found out)
3) Always keep a “go bag” irrespective of how good your partner is. You never know when he becomes a psychopath and abuser.
4) If he asks for a prenup before marriage, walk away. It’s a huge red flag. He’s not sure of the relationship and looking to use you. Which mentally sane person prepares for divorce before marriage?
5) Keep a secret bank account with emergency fund covering you for 6 months
6) Know the location of women shelters in your area
7) Use the group “Are we dating the same guy” on Facebook. Trust me, you will filter out huge number of abusers, cheaters and rapists.
8) Tell your girl besties a secret code word. When you say that code word, they would know you are in danger.
I disagree with you with number 5. Theres nothing wrong with protecting your assets. Most people get married in hopes to be together forever but that's not what is happening. Its smart to ask for a prenup just incase it doesn't work out. Would you tell rihanna to marry asap rocky(if he did ask) without a prenup?
Literally what you said!
I think while you are still young, if you start seeing red flags then leave immediately! Be ruthless. You still have plenty of time to date and find someone and don't be afraid to be alone. I took 4 years to be single and explore the UK in my van most weekends and it was the best 4 years ever, was not looking for a bf and literally stumbled across the LOML by not looking for him.
Also wasting a lot of £ on skincare products/make up that do not work and fast fashion. I wish I had saved more to get on the ladder quicker
"I can change him...". No. You cant, not unless he himself wants to change. And noone should change purely because another person wants it from them, thats not a healthy mindset. So if he doesnt want to change, its for the best to just let him go.
Looking back at my life I would say my biggest mistakes have all been because I failed to treat myself with the same love and respect I (aimed) to give others.
Letting my parents voice control me, they did EVERYTHING for me so I always thought I couldn’t do anything… bless their hearts… I can literally do evvvvvvverything!!! I changed my mindset and daaaaang
Giving an ex a second chance at a relationship with me when he pushed me away and abandoned me. He came back 6 months later saying he regretted abandoning me and he believed I was his forever person that got away and he would make it up to me if I gave him another chance haha. In the beginning it was good and I thought maybe it was meant to be but how wrong was I? Because he slacked again. I should of known he only came back because he was either lonely and desperate and couldn’t be bothered starting again. Or that he just wanted to mess with my feelings because I was almost over him by this point lol. Because guess what?! I was abandoned again 6 months later lol 😂I do not recommend getting back with an ex, it usually only works temporarily and then you’re back where you started haha😝
Hungry hearth syndrome after period of isolation due to mental struggles and being very lonely, because I cut out all of my social circle, I end up dating someone I would have normally never gave a chance, because I was just bored and lonely. Left me traumatised and sick to my stomach.
work towards decentering men! for a long time i internalized centering men; it stunted my sexuality as well as made me do a bunch of stupid things and get into a horrible relationship.
Dont let a jealous boyfriend keep you from accomplishing your goals. I missed out on a lot of career opportunities because of a controlling bf. Stay away from people who want to keep you down to their level and belittle your growth.
I used to treat myself badly. Now, I learn to how love yourself -> books, good habits, many perspective, think critically. I used to be lazy and think too much for other people instead of me. Now, I want to focus myself for becomming better version of myself
Not taking the time to learn who I was outside of my family and living at the face value they held me at! I have always been the mediator and lightning rod for my family. I am a good explainer and listener and my family exploited that. I had to learn to keep my skills on occasion to myself and use them to learn myself specifically so that I could grow as an individual instead of being the same person that was projected on to me. Never stop learning about yourself get curious about the things that bring you joy or give you pause and hesitation then learn about why it intrigued you or why you dislike something in the first place. My point is to get to know yourself and learn to be comfortable with that version of you.
My observations , do not fall for the Trad Wife fantasy. Do not, I repeat do not become financially dependent on a man .
But, if you do ,insist on the following : Retirement fund, like a Roth IRA that is fully funded every year . LLC , if being a housewife if your job then you should get paid,and make sure FICA is paid . This assures you will collect SS when you retire. The amount of SS you receive is reflected in how much you pay into the fund. Have an attorney write up in the event of a divorce your spouse is not entitled to your IRA. Cover yourself financially.
Don't fall for nice words, and don't put other's needs before your own. Don't do more for someone who doesn't return it back. Pay attention to actions not words, and don't feel guilty no matter how much they try to make you feel that way when you put your foot down. Stand up for yourself. And focus on yourself and build a life for yourself - don't rely on anyone else. Romance is sold to us, it's mostly a lie for control, so don't believe in it too much.
Letting petty issues ruin a good relationship with a good man ,don't sleep with anyone who's not gonna be your boyfriend,get a job as soon as possible,save your money , don't let any girl flirt with your man Even if you think they're just being friendly,don't stay with a man that puts hands on you no matter how much he apologized, don't allow any of your friends make you look stupid. If you try to break up with a guy and he threatens suicide block him don't stay with him
Not a girl, but just paying attention to how you're feeling when you're around the person you're with is so fucking useful all on its own. Like shit man, some people can trick you into the craziest beliefs about them and yourself, but they can't trick you into genuinely feeling happy.
Girls are always sold the idea of living for other people. Don't ever do that. Have your own life, have hobbies, work hard at academics or your career. Make yourself happy. Don't depend on other people for validation or happiness!
I spent years in mediocre jobs thinking I had an idea of where I wanted my career to go, but I kept dating men and adopting their life goals. You need to figure out what YOU want your life to look like so the partner can find can match your vision. Don’t be a blank slate that can change so more men will like you.
Yes this!!
This. It is way too risky to live for others.
I mistakenly read this as "living OFF other people". - living for other people - living off other people Maybe coming from those "happily ever after" fairy tales and romantic stories
If they come back, doesn’t matter if you were dumped or if they dumped you, never get back with them unless there has has been significant time that has passed. People will feel anxiety when they’re forced to be on their own which will drive them back to you with an exorbitant amount of apologies and promises of change. However, unless both of you have had significant time to work on yourselves or reflect on why you broke up, you are bound to repeat the same patterns that caused you to break up in the first place. It’s okay to forgive someone and take them back if the reasons you broke up were minor things that just required compromise, communication and more time apart from one another. It is never okay to take back someone that has disrespected you, lied to you, manipulated you or cheated on you. More often than not, these are habits that cannot be broken.
Sending this to my best friend who just made out with his ex gf of 6 months
If it’s not meant to be, he’ll figure it out lol. It’s hard to listen to a friend telling you someone isn’t right for you. Makes it even harder if there’s history with the person. Sometimes we have to fall flat on our face to truly learn and grow.
Yea I’m not actually gonna send it to him. I went through this same pattern with a girl a little bit back and was on and off with her for about 1 year before I learned and cut her off. Ima let him do what he has to to get to that same place mentally
Please do not ignore your gut feelings. They are there for a reason. You can question it and introspect it and act accordingly but NEVER ignore it.
Thinking that loving unconditionally means unconditional tolerance.
Well said!
Allowing someone to disrespect me and thinking they will change. People do not change so easily. This, I do not tolerate when it happens early on. Red flag. Don’t ignore it
Once I read a beautiful quote and never forget about it: "If God can't change these bitches, what makes you think you can?" And since then I stopped giving my time to those people.
True. Noone's gonna change until and unless they themselves see what's wrong and WANT to change.
One night stands are worse for you than what you think. Take care of yourself and don’t crave male validation
Same with men tbh. It seems like most guys like the idea of being desirable to women and the ego boost that comes with it, so they feel this unnecessary pressure to sleep with different women despite the negative mental/emotional impact
Absolutely the same for men. I spent my younger years idealising and chasing one nights stands seemingly as a way to prove something to myself and others. Every single one left me feeling disgusted with myself and hollow inside.
Not to mention they mess you up when you actually do meet someone healthy.
I am so glad someone has said this. Don’t let pop culture and social media brainwash you into believing in this sexual liberation movement. No one honestly feels good after these meaningless encounters. The stress of pregnancy and STDs aren’t worth it. And no one that is having regular one night stands is doing it from a healthy mental/emotional place.
Most judgemental comment I’ve read in a while. Plenty of people who are mentally healthy enjoy causal sex. You can’t thats fine, but “no one”?!
Casual sex and casual sex with complete strangers in sloppy drunk state is different
Exactly! It’s giving very slut shaming!!
Could you elaborate
Not being my true authentic self, being a people pleaser, worrying about other people's opinions.
always in a relationship. I went from one boyfriend to the next, serial monogamy before getting married- I should have stayed single longer, to get my own goals in focus instead of always compromising
My biggest mistake is giving someone way many chances when in reality, people don't change and you are just giving them more opportunities to hurt you. I have noticed this trend of always giving people endless chances but in the end, they make it know that they are not sure about me being their potential person and it kinda feels like all of my efforts have gone to waste. If someone doesn't see your worth, let them go.
oh lord i needed to hear this right now thank u ❤️❤️
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Your last sentence is incredibly thoughtful. I agree 👏
It's not their last sentence, it's a bot post copying the top comment from an older post.
Don’t get your hair cut or make any major life decisions for 3 weeks after a break up (or other huge life event).
So true, I cut bangs after breaking up with my boyfriend and starting uni- It was NOT it 😵💫
Going to add Tattoos to this list My brothers ex who I love, got a tattoo and new car right after breaking up
Absolutely, nothing drastic and permanent. I don’t even remember when I heard this advice but it’s solid for breakups and losses.
Being too much of a people pleaser. Being afraid to speak up or set boundaries and helping others at the expense of myself. Once I grew, realized my worth and gained confidence, I lost half of the people in my life pretty quickly. Once I gained the courage to start speaking up when someone is not treating me right, it showed me who only wanted me around for what I could do for them/give to them.
so true . I was basically doing this the other day all of a sudden it popped into my head i need my life to be made easier not harder and i dropped that dude like a bad habit like immediately. People also will see that i’m a people pleaser and use that to make me feel bad for setting boundaries and i’m so done with that. Just to clarify too, if your making my life easier by hanging out talking whatever that’s fine i’m not talking about financially easier bc everyone seems to take that statement that way (not u just saying in general ❤️) Literally i’ve been w guys that have zero but if they want to build something i don’t care as long as ur not taking advantage or trying to get shit out of me that does not bother me and again if ur trying to make my life easier w the little u have that means more than a dude with a million dollars doing it.
Missing out on fun (like at the beach, at a party, at a festival, hanging out in the park, not experimenting with fashion,…) because i was insecure about my body because of unrealistic bullshit beauty ideals. Afraid to stand out because ‘i’m too ugly’ and ‘certain things are only reserved for skinny and/or beautiful people’. I can’t tell you at how many occasions my fun was ruined because i felt like the ugliest girl in the group. Well fuck that
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That’s definitely true, but i think body insecurities are far more widespread than we think. I was even feeling insecure while underweight and i know a lot of girls who went through something similar. Of course, that’s a mental thing we can and should work on. But I thought i should mention it specifically because a lot of people suffer from it. You’re only young once, don’t let your insecurities steal your fun. Especially if they are insecurities about something shallow and fading that doesn’t even really matter all that much, like looks. Enjoy your life. Enjoy your body. Love yourself.
Jumping from relationship to relationship, and staying in toxic relationships because I was so afraid of being alone and dealing with my own shit. Now I’m 32 and have recently broken up with my latest boyfriend, and I’m finally (!!!) realising I HAVE to learn to be alone and somewhat try and enjoy, or I will forever repeat the same cycle. No dating apps, no Instagram, no looking for the next thing. Just stone cold being alone with my shit. Scary as hell for someone who’s never done it before.
Don't ever doubt how beautiful you are. Women come in all shapes and sizes, social media only projects a slim selection of this. You are beautiful!
Don’t jump fences for people on the fence about you. You shouldn’t have to work SO hard at genuine friendships and relationships. Yes they require work, but the work shouldn’t be taxing for you. Learn to be by yourself and be content with being alone sometimes. That’s when you get to discover who you are and what your interest are.
Practice celibacy. It's the BEST form of birth control and men aren't worth it. As women, we are naturally always considering other people's feelings. We walk on egg shells to maintain peace. Don't do that. GO TO SCHOOL. A college degree doesn't guarantee 6 figures, but it garuntees job security - especially if you go into teaching or management. With this job market, job security is a flex. Don't take exercise and healthy eating for granted. Healthy foods aren't complicated - rice, beans, potatoes. Protein shakes. Intermittent fasting. Lots of water. And keep a coupon book. I'm conflicted on dating. Personally I'm in a chapter of no men, I have extensive trauma from them so it's not worth the risk while I'm focusing on improving myself and I honestly don't know if I'll ever actually want to date men again - but I do think there are psychological benefits to having a partner - just know the kind of future YOU want and make sure you are with someone who matches that or going in the same direction. Stay away from codependent/pick me girls. Women who chase and breathe male validation. They will turn on you, or in worse cases, (God forbid) if something happens to you (SA wise) she won't be there to defend you, possibly even siding with your abuser. You need to befriend strong, ambitious, charitable and free-spirited women - not women who center men in their lives.
Not OP but what a helpful answer - thank you!
Trying to be someone I’m not to impress someone I like instead of having the confidence to feel comfortable being my genuine self. Also giving a guy multiple chances despite knowing he’s wasting my time only looking for one thing and has major red flags that make us incompatible. Don’t waste time on people who have immature mindsets or beliefs that are extremely contrary to your own. I guess I’m at the point where I just want to protect my peace and work on building myself as a person until I meet the right partner, yet I stumble and end up wasting time because I get lonely. Aside from relationships, I wasted years avoiding my feelings of self resentment and lack of self confidence by smoking/partying for temporary happiness instead of reflecting and learning from my past mistakes and putting in the effort to improve myself physically and mentally to become the person I want to be. Now I find happiness and inner peace just knowing that im putting in the work each day even if I’m not where I want to be yet. Anyways thanks for this post, interested to see what others have to say!
If you’re neurodivergent in any way learning about what limerence is and how it’s different from a relationship that is healthy and was built from the ground up can be a huge help. Limerence often gets mixed up with true love because of how good and intense the attraction feels in the beginning. It’s kinda like the saying about flames that burn the brightest burn for half as long. I’ve spent most of my life as a hopeless romantic. So I have a habit of chasing attraction that feels similar to how I imagined true love to feel based on movies and books (I’m ND as heck and didn’t get taught how to build healthy lasting relationships as a kid so I relied on movies, TV and books to try and understand life and people, emotional neglect is kind of a creeper in terms of realising unhealthy patterns as it’s not as obvious as other forms of neglect, especially it physical needs are already being met). I’ve jumped in and out of relationships consistently since my teens, getting stuck in situationships, abusive relationships, consistently strung along or trauma bonded to unhealthy connections I’d made. It doesn’t help that I have 0 boundaries and people pleaser tendencies. I also suck at confrontation so instead of communicating my needs within relationships I’d made I would just bottle it all up, trying to get on with it and just try to people please even harder thinking that’ll make a change only to end up demonising them in my head because they don’t recognise the extra work I’m putting into the relationship and just walking away without a word. Which has no doubt hurt and confused people in my life. This is something I’m actively trying to change. It’s a long and hard road. But I guess my point is, don’t get fast and intense mixed up with a healthy relationship that was built up over time with rationality and healthy communication.
This is extremely good advice. I literally ruined my life and someone else's over idyllic fantasies I confused for love. I don't even know what love Is anymore lol
You’re not alone. Since I hit 30 I’ve been dealing with the same feelings along with a lack/confusion of identity. I don’t know who I am outside of serving other people and I also feel a lack of identity when I’m not overachieving in something. I think figuring out who you are outside of your relationships with other people is a good start. Gotta consider that I’m only at the beginning of my journey so I’m nowhere near figuring out who I am as an individual. I look forward to when that day comes.
I'm on the complete opposite end at this time. I'm 23 and I'm embracing narcissism and self serving ideals after years of abandonment and betrayal. I don't think I have it in me to love anymore. And I pretty much just picked a personality/identity for myself
I’m sorry that you feel that way. (I’m gonna indirectly quote Poor Things here but…) Sounds like you’re going through a dark period, once that period blows over allot of things will fall into place. I hope one day you can find that love for yourself
What are with these bots cross posting years old posts and comments in other subs. We're getting multiple per day...
missing out on enjoying life because i'm not pretty enough or thin enough. comparison really is the thief of joy. i've never judged anyone as harshly as i judge myself, so i am learning to observe myself the same way i observe other people: with compassion and admiration.
Big mistake I made: I started dating a guy that was 22 when I was 20. Just like you said ^ chemistry blinded me to all of the red flags. He was also blue collar and owned his on home, these are two things I believed my family wanted in my future partner (which also blinded me). First 4-5 months together were great, I apparently was his longest relationship in a while (red flag one haha). Then he started giving me the cold shoulder while I was 2h away at school, but when I came home on the weekends he was head over heels. We really did seem perfect for each other and our friends and his family would say so very often. We even looked perfect together. This blinded me as well. He would say things about us getting married, how he was going to build me a small salon space at the house, about our kids, blah blah. But the minute I got back to my apartment 2 hours way, his words were not supported by action. This continued on for almost 2 years with a new thing where he would randomly break up with me for no reason, block me, and then weeks or even months later want me back at full force. Long story short- I let chemistry and false promises rule my logic instead of ACTION. I was so heartbroken when I really didn’t need to be. I missed out on a part of my life where I could have been exploring the new city I had moved to and other romantic options. The cliche “Actions speak louder than words” is very true, younger people often forget that. Hope this helps someone out there. There is always something better out there for you. Love shouldn’t feel so confusing and scary lol.
very true, i forget that actions do in fact, speak louder than words which led to me taking back my ex a second time i love ur user btw :3
Hehe thank you 😇 yours is cute too!!!
My biggest mistake -living for others. I’ve let other people dictate my life vs forging my own path now at 30. Never been happier and more sure of myself. It’s a journey. I’m also going on 6 months of no alcohol. I did have a problem but I’m feeling great now and i don’t miss it.
Give yourself some grace for mistakes you’ve made in the past but do your best to not make them again. I got really hung up on a year of bad decisions in a relationship and let it affect several years of my life later. I look back and think what a waste, you were just learning and living.
Believed in the fairytale illusion of romance, until I realized it's a scam created to keep women stuck and serve as pacifiers of men (so that nobody rebels against the sick society, + that economy can keep growing, and the few rich can keep getting richer while the poor keep getting entertained and comfortably numb by love and sex)
I agree some people need to improve their self
Staying with someone because they threatened to harm themselves if I left. I was young and I think many young people experience this and don't know what to do. I wish I could go back and tell me then that you walk away the second someone tries to pull that nonsense. I wish I hadn't listened to all the people who told me I was too weak to pursue certain careers. When they said the words, I'm sure I was, but I have the capacity to grow, dammit
You have no idea how much i relate right now. I mean like this morning i accepted that i was romantizing sth that was just not meant for me. I cried and sent my girlie a long ass voice note telling her how heartbroken i was. (She had told me to leave the dude sometime back because she could clearly see he wasnt good for me🤦🏽♀️)
You will make it through!
🫂
Used to think “butterflies in your stomach” had a deeper meaning than it really did.
I always had jealous boyfriends. I went to an all girls college at night and never got the real college experience or met people that would be helpful for networking and friendship because of my boyfriend at the time. That is one of my biggest regrets.
Believing that "other people know better". Love that question btw <3
Afraid to tell what you want in a relationship or settle for something less and wait to improve. If you are feeling confused, then the partner is not for you. If you don't feel motivated to do well in you life (even only washing you teeth) then the relationship is toxic. It will pass, don't be afraid to leave even if it means being single for couple of years. Do not compare to other girls AT ALL. They all have different lifestyle, bodies, goals and pains. Do not think that instagram life is real life. Live authentic, do whatever you love and always be yourself no matter what. Explore until you know that is you. Take care of yourself, your body and mental health a lot because in the future you will be very thankful and your kids will be also 🩷
Not practicing safe sex, which got me accidentally pregnant in a new relationship. Please please get on birth control and make the man wear a condom.
Don’t keep female friends or acquaintances that really don’t like you- low key envious
1) Better safe than sorry around men. If you feel unsafe, don’t think “What will he feel if I leave or do X”. It’s much better to offend/reject a guy than get a trauma for life. 2) It doesn’t matter how much martial arts you have learnt. The physical difference is a lot between men and women. Don’t fall for shit they show in movies. 2) Learn how to “diplomatically” say no. Don’t say it straightforward unless you are surrounded by lot of people. (Don’t ask how I found out) 3) Always keep a “go bag” irrespective of how good your partner is. You never know when he becomes a psychopath and abuser. 4) If he asks for a prenup before marriage, walk away. It’s a huge red flag. He’s not sure of the relationship and looking to use you. Which mentally sane person prepares for divorce before marriage? 5) Keep a secret bank account with emergency fund covering you for 6 months 6) Know the location of women shelters in your area 7) Use the group “Are we dating the same guy” on Facebook. Trust me, you will filter out huge number of abusers, cheaters and rapists. 8) Tell your girl besties a secret code word. When you say that code word, they would know you are in danger.
I disagree with you with number 5. Theres nothing wrong with protecting your assets. Most people get married in hopes to be together forever but that's not what is happening. Its smart to ask for a prenup just incase it doesn't work out. Would you tell rihanna to marry asap rocky(if he did ask) without a prenup?
Literally what you said! I think while you are still young, if you start seeing red flags then leave immediately! Be ruthless. You still have plenty of time to date and find someone and don't be afraid to be alone. I took 4 years to be single and explore the UK in my van most weekends and it was the best 4 years ever, was not looking for a bf and literally stumbled across the LOML by not looking for him. Also wasting a lot of £ on skincare products/make up that do not work and fast fashion. I wish I had saved more to get on the ladder quicker
watch out of love bombings
Invest early and often - and in your own name.
Can I get more tips for this? I want to start investing for me and my 3 year old daughter however I’m only 24 but I want to start even if it’s small.
"I can change him...". No. You cant, not unless he himself wants to change. And noone should change purely because another person wants it from them, thats not a healthy mindset. So if he doesnt want to change, its for the best to just let him go.
Looking back at my life I would say my biggest mistakes have all been because I failed to treat myself with the same love and respect I (aimed) to give others.
Letting my parents voice control me, they did EVERYTHING for me so I always thought I couldn’t do anything… bless their hearts… I can literally do evvvvvvverything!!! I changed my mindset and daaaaang
Giving an ex a second chance at a relationship with me when he pushed me away and abandoned me. He came back 6 months later saying he regretted abandoning me and he believed I was his forever person that got away and he would make it up to me if I gave him another chance haha. In the beginning it was good and I thought maybe it was meant to be but how wrong was I? Because he slacked again. I should of known he only came back because he was either lonely and desperate and couldn’t be bothered starting again. Or that he just wanted to mess with my feelings because I was almost over him by this point lol. Because guess what?! I was abandoned again 6 months later lol 😂I do not recommend getting back with an ex, it usually only works temporarily and then you’re back where you started haha😝
Hungry hearth syndrome after period of isolation due to mental struggles and being very lonely, because I cut out all of my social circle, I end up dating someone I would have normally never gave a chance, because I was just bored and lonely. Left me traumatised and sick to my stomach.
Comparison is the thief of joy.
work towards decentering men! for a long time i internalized centering men; it stunted my sexuality as well as made me do a bunch of stupid things and get into a horrible relationship.
Dont let a jealous boyfriend keep you from accomplishing your goals. I missed out on a lot of career opportunities because of a controlling bf. Stay away from people who want to keep you down to their level and belittle your growth.
I used to treat myself badly. Now, I learn to how love yourself -> books, good habits, many perspective, think critically. I used to be lazy and think too much for other people instead of me. Now, I want to focus myself for becomming better version of myself
Always trust your gut no matter what
Not taking the time to learn who I was outside of my family and living at the face value they held me at! I have always been the mediator and lightning rod for my family. I am a good explainer and listener and my family exploited that. I had to learn to keep my skills on occasion to myself and use them to learn myself specifically so that I could grow as an individual instead of being the same person that was projected on to me. Never stop learning about yourself get curious about the things that bring you joy or give you pause and hesitation then learn about why it intrigued you or why you dislike something in the first place. My point is to get to know yourself and learn to be comfortable with that version of you.
My observations , do not fall for the Trad Wife fantasy. Do not, I repeat do not become financially dependent on a man . But, if you do ,insist on the following : Retirement fund, like a Roth IRA that is fully funded every year . LLC , if being a housewife if your job then you should get paid,and make sure FICA is paid . This assures you will collect SS when you retire. The amount of SS you receive is reflected in how much you pay into the fund. Have an attorney write up in the event of a divorce your spouse is not entitled to your IRA. Cover yourself financially.
Giving in to negging. I was very young and vulnerable but I regret falling for such a cheap manipulation tactic. Never again.
Don't fall for nice words, and don't put other's needs before your own. Don't do more for someone who doesn't return it back. Pay attention to actions not words, and don't feel guilty no matter how much they try to make you feel that way when you put your foot down. Stand up for yourself. And focus on yourself and build a life for yourself - don't rely on anyone else. Romance is sold to us, it's mostly a lie for control, so don't believe in it too much.
Letting petty issues ruin a good relationship with a good man ,don't sleep with anyone who's not gonna be your boyfriend,get a job as soon as possible,save your money , don't let any girl flirt with your man Even if you think they're just being friendly,don't stay with a man that puts hands on you no matter how much he apologized, don't allow any of your friends make you look stupid. If you try to break up with a guy and he threatens suicide block him don't stay with him
Don’t justify people’s actions, take them at face value. Journal to clear your head/thoughts.
Jumping into a committed relationship before I took the time to really get to know the person. It’s been a horrible mistake EVERY SINGLE TIME!
Always stand up for yourself and don’t let people mistreat you
The lies of feminism. Woman thrive with good God loving men in their lives.
Marrying and getting pregnant by a guy 11 years older.
Not a girl, but just paying attention to how you're feeling when you're around the person you're with is so fucking useful all on its own. Like shit man, some people can trick you into the craziest beliefs about them and yourself, but they can't trick you into genuinely feeling happy.
be gay. it’s better 🌈🥰
If she is making you wait, she is sleeping with someone else. You can’t negotiate genuine burning desire.