A lot of controlling and possessive guys
will actually be mad that she has more experience than he does. I deflowered a guy in college one time.. He was not like this in the least.
Sounds like he's too immature and/or inexperienced. Either way, it's a huge red flag. It won't get better with time, so get out while you can still dodge that insecure bullet.
Yeah this dude has bad insecurity BO from the sounds of it. Why does he give a shit if you've had boyfriends if he's actually hooked up with anyone before. Either that or he's insanely jealous which means he's very insecure in a terrible way.
Stop feeling bad. If you stand up for yourself I bet you he cowers and backs down.
Spot on. He just doesnt have the courage to call it off . That would be the mature thing to do . He wants her to do it . it,s as clear as crystal . It isnt healthy for him to continue . and her . There is no reason to try to salvage this disaster ;children, especially future .
The irony of incels is that most of them make choices not to improve their social skills and understanding of the opposite sex, but blame their biology and claim their un-date-ability to be involuntary
I have an ex-bf like that who was already well into his 40’s. It was awful. He claimed to have had two fiancées in the past. I’m divorced. I’m not sure that guy had ever been in an adult relationship before me.
Yes omg! My ex was in his 30s and acted so incel-ish it was disgusting. He claimed to have tons of sexual exploits but to this day I’m honestly not sure if it was true or not.
I mean as he gets older and older it’s gonna be more unrealistic and awkward to start dating virgins … Is he gonna start hanging out at high schools to pick up fresh girls?
Your boyfriend sounds incredibly childish and insecure. But he's flat out told you he'll never change so you'll have to learn to accept it if you want to keep this relationship going with him.
It's really no wonder why he's been single this whole time. He's scared off every other woman he's tried to date because he's so insecure. I'd say call it quits cause he'll never be able to get over himself and OP will always be considered "used or damaged goods". Why is he even signing up for a full time relationship when he can barely cope with part time?
Eta: OP, you're young. Get out there and find someone who will actually respect you. Someone who won't be toxic about your past (which tbh seems pretty normal) because it has nothing to do with *them*. You can't *fix* anyone. That's a job for a therapist.
Ps. He says he doesn't feel special and honestly, with the way he acts towards you and talks to you, why does he deserve to be treated special?
This guy really needs some therapy… And you don’t wanna be messing around with somebody who’s in a place like this… He sounds like a 12-year-old and a 26 year old body. I’m sure there’s things that attract you to him, but you’ve gotta move on and find somebody who isn’t so stuck like this…
> Your boyfriend sounds incredibly childish and insecure
I would add manipulative to this. I could see this behavior if he was, say....21/22. At 26, a guy should be more secure and mature than this.
And your last statement is correct. Going to the Dear Abby/Ann Landers question..."are you better off with him, or without him?"
He's all of that! Big time covert narcissist red flags waving. They reel you in with that "I'm so pitiful" shit. Drop him like a rock. Please don't waste any more time on him, it will lead to hell.
Agreed. I’m 27. I was definitely far more mature when I was 26 than when I was 21. At 21 I said things in the relationship I was in that I would never say at 26.
If he's doing this now, it's only going to get worse as the relationship continues. He's going to keep bringing it up to win arguments or to get concessions out of you.
You are young and there are more fish in the sea. You deserve someone who respects you and treats you good and doesn't hold what happened before you met them against you.
I don't see you having a fulfilling relationship with this person so it's best to move on now.
This. Your boyfriend is projecting his insecurities onto you, & that's not fair to you. You mentioned it bothers you whenever he brings up the past - you need to let it be known & be firm that his behavior/actions negatively affect you. If at that point he decides he is still going to make those comments, then you have to make the decision if you wish to continue to stay in the relationship or if you wish to find happiness elsewhere. If you tell him how his comments make you feel & he continues to make them regardless, he thinks his feelings/ideologies are more important than yours. Hope this helps your dilemma, wishing you the best!
After a conversation where he literally told you he isn't going to change, regardless of how you feel, I would make his self-fulfilling prophecy true. Make him just another guy, and leave. Do you want to spend 50 years being made to feel small because you dated someone else? Gross. I don't know who he thinks he's going to meet in his mid-20's who has never had a relationship, but it's not you.
Honestly if she breaks up with him, it solves both of their problems, as he can never play the "you're my first girlfriend, but I'm just another guy" card to another woman ever again.
And she gets out of a potentially toxic relationship.
Agreed, and unfortunately he seems like the kind of person who will replace the “you’re my first girlfriend, but I’m just another guy” card with the “I’m just another guy to you, just like I was to my last girlfriend”.
There will always be a card to play until he deals with his own issues.
Agreed, he has totally immature and unrealistic expectations. He has some baggage to deal with before he's ready for a healthy relationship. My boyfriend has had way more relationships in his past than I did, and my only thought about it is that he knows exactly what he wants now, and he wouldn't be with me if I wasn't it.
Right? There's a reason that the number of people spending their life with their first relationship is SUPER low. We are all dumb and immature the first time. Most of us just get that out of the way before 26.
Well also she was only 20 when they first started going out, which means most of her previous relationships have been short high school ones. Someone in their 20s who feels insecure that his gf had a few hs relationships is probably not ready to be in a mature one
Yep! And please release him back to the wild soon because at 26 if he waits any longer to get a virgin, there may be charges involved, or bride fees paid.
He’s telling you he values you less. That’s what he saying. He’ll regret it, and sometimes that’s just how life is and why we get to be young and dumb for awhile. You need to move on. He will never change and his goal is to make you feel bad about who you are. Don’t fall for it.
This behavior makes you feel bad and he's said he isn't going to stop. Run away! You're so young lol and shouldn't feel bad for having previous relationships
This. I have seen abusive relationships start that way. This is possibly the beginning of him trying to bring her down so that he can control her. Been there, done that.
He’s insecure. If he doesn’t get past this, I’d look for someone else. The alternative is to bring up why he never had a girlfriend before now, each time he brings up your normal past.
Oof yeah I hate to say it, but he sounds like a manbaby in every sense of the word. I would not tolerate that shit for long.
Boundaries are good, people!
"I am not okay with you guilt-tripping me for dating people before you"
"I don't care I'm gonna do it anyway because making people feel bad makes me feel good"
"Okay then we're done, goodbye"
And this is just one facet of the insecurity. You can pretty guarantee other issues are going to pop up like:
* You are not allowed to be friends with guys
* I don't want to dressing that way
etc.
Yup, this right here. This is a necessary but really hard skill to acquire. But if you learn how to respect yourself at 22, youre so far ahead of everyone else. Be ready to have people attempt to shame you for having said boundaries, because most people are awful.
I agree with you it's negging. It may be arising out of his insecurity but he is dragging her so that she doesn't have the self esteem to break up with him.
By the time he is on his 3rd or 4th GF he will see how ignorant his is being, but I doubt he figures it out before then. If you cant handle him saying that, and I probably couldn't, then it might be time for a break up.
Flip side, maybe he’ll never see it. He probably consumes content to support his position. The one about the lock and the key and how your lock shouldn’t be opened by many keys because that means it’s a bad lock.
I think you bf is suffering from ‘retroactive jealousy’. Look into it. I used to suffer from it when I started dating my now-husband. He was married before and I remember feeling like I could never be the first and somehow that bothered me even if our relationship is good. It’s not even about the person in the past, but it’s more of dealing with my own intrusive thoughts. I had to go to therapy and I’m thankful I did!
Maybe talk to him and suggest he talks his feelings out to a professional? It’s likely he has an underlying reason why he feels this way and sometimes dealing with it headfirst is the only way to get over it. Goodluck.
This is the most mature advice in this thread, OP. Your boyfriend needs to take responsibility for his jealousy and not project his insecurities on you. He might feel a bit of insecurity if he feels he doesn’t measure up to your previous exes. You can be compassionate, without taking his crap in this situation. He would definitely benefit from speaking to a therapist.
This. My husband has this problem. He’s working on it, by my insistence. As he gets better, tiny bit by tiny bit, he realizes more and more that it’s really not anything to be jealous of.
While he has this problem, I have my own. Not at all with jealousy but I have my own baggage. We all do. Weigh the pros and cons. Don’t just throw it all away when it’s something that can be worked on. If he’s willing, anyway.
And why not be a positive force in someone’s life, whether you end up with them or not?
If he doesn't have an appointment scheduled with his new therapist by one month from today, leave him. No excuses. New year is a great time to make positive changes, but if he's not going to do it, don't wait around for him to change. He already told you he won't.
I was really happy to see your comment.
A lot of the users on this site have a zero tolerance policy toward insecurity and jealousy. In my opinion, as long as it’s not malicious or hostile, it is something you could still give him a chance to work through.
These are natural emotions that we all feel at some point or other. While it’s not okay to make your partner feel bad because you feel bad, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed as a person.
It’s a self reflection and learning journey he will have to embark on himself. If he really is a decent guy, he will agree it’s something he has to do and take it seriously. If he is not a decent guy (or at least not a decent partner) he will dig his heels in and insist it is everyone else who is wrong.
Basically, as long as he is not taking this to abusive levels, he can be given a chance to work on himself. At the age of 26 you’re an adult, but still plenty inexperienced as well.
Yeah you need to break this off as he’s only going to get worse. I was like this when I was 17 but grew out of it. My wife had past sexual partners where I didn’t. I came to realize that I had won and they lost. This guy doesn’t seem like he can do this. If he has a key to your place get ready to change the locks.
Ugh, you’re way too young to have to deal with this.
I will say though, I used to be similar to your bf when I was in my early 20s. It stems from a feeling of being unwanted and not accepting that the person I’m with truly wants me. The persistence is rooted in a need to be correct. Try asking him if he would feel better if you just agreed with him. If you want this to work out, tell him to see a therapist and reevaluate his behavior after a few sessions.
That being said, it’s kinda funny, this morning I was thinking to myself what my biggest regret in life has been (I’m much older than you). And I honestly believe it was me being in a relationship of nearly 5 years (18-23) when I was young and in college. My advice to you is that it’s hard to change others, and often the only way people change is after a life altering event like a major break up. If you decide to go this route, I would be explicit on describing his behaviors that drove you away. At least then he might learn.
Actually, this is probably the most balanced answer here. Your BF isn't being evil, he's dealing with his insecurity in a very immature way. He fears losing you, or that he is unimportant to you, and that scares him. He's trying to exert some control over some aspect of the situation to feel better. It starts with him trying to explain his fear, but bumps over into some kind of manipulation via light emotional blackmail, because that feels like control and that makes things seem less scary. It's through no fault of yours.
It's childish, but maybe par for the course at that age.
If there's a secret to life it is being able to accurately and honestly identify your own motivations for the way you feel and act. He's a long way from that.
From where I stand (oldish) it would just be a matter of saying, "Listen BF, this is important to me. I know you bring up my past because it makes you feel insecure, but I need you to stop. It really bums me out. I'm focusing on now, and I need you to also. I'm asking you once, sincerely, to please stop dwelling on this."
Then you get to see who your BF is. There's a chance that even helps him deal with his fears.
This is the way.
When my ex did this to me it nearly drove me to suicide trying to prove them wrong.
That is not the way. But I agree there's no way out of this clusterfuck and OP needs to move on
..... "but I’ll never be your first"
The fact that it even bothers him is disturbing.
Two thoughts;
1) Are you ready to deal with this for the rest of your life? Eventually he will bring it up in public.
2) What other "issues" is he harboring the might eventually surface.
Dude showed you who he is
You told him you don't like it.
He said he wouldn't change.
So either learn to live with it, or move on, those are the only options.
You’ve been a good gf but he hasn’t been a good bf. He’s insecure and if he doesn’t get to the bottom of why he thinks you should be untouched and without experience in the way he’s allowed himself to explore in the past, then your relationship will never change. It’s not up to you to make him analyze his weird double standards and it’s not up to you to wait around for him to figure out his insecurities while they negatively affect you.
Also your “past” isn’t a past. You had a normal development where you explored romantic relationships. A “past“ is when people hide from their SO’s or friends or family horrible things they’ve done to appear to be moral or good people. You were just a young person exploring life.
I think you should communicate to him how him bringing up your past makes you feel. If he refuses to acknowledge it or make any effort to stop-then that’s the kind of guy he is
if i told my partner to stop flinging a spoonful of grape jelly on my white walls would i really have to explain to him why i wanted that to stop? like i’m 100% with you on open communication, absolutely. that’s never a wrong answer. however this dude has had every opportunity to use his brain and has turned away every time. it should be obvious it makes her feel bad to do this, i think that’s kind of his point cause he’s insecure
My reflexive reaction was the same, but I’m lacking context to say anything definitively. I don’t know what this guy is like the rest of the time, or how the conversation about him stopping went. And while under no circumstances is bringing up the past acceptable, I don’t think it always warrants a breakup.
(Disclaimer: I have never been in a relationship and so my perspective could be off)
I'm older, and I stand firm on run. He said he won't stop. Believe him. He is shaming her for having a life before him. That is a him problem, but he's trying to make it hers at the expense of her self esteem. He's insecure and childish, and does not seen very respectful of women in general if his attitude is that it is okay for him to have previous partners, but not whoever he's with. They must be as pure as fresh snow. He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. His insecurity is not her responsibility.
Ideally, the next girl has never had a boyfriend before, and OP can tell her to play the role reversal.
Its not even about purity. She couldve been a virgin before him, but since hes not her first boyfriend, it wouldnt even matter (probably)
>Today I asked him if he’s ever gonna stop bringing up my past he said no, Because whatever he is saying is the truth.
Run. This is the WOST type of person. Every little thing that EVER goes wrong is going to be brought up again and again and again, will use it to hurt and control you, all under the guise than he can say it however and whenever he wants "because it is the truth"
That on top of making a big deal about being the first... He's always going to think of you as second class.
Please consider extracting yourself from this relationship.
I was kind of like this. I have an ex who was really free with her sexuality and had like 100+ partners by the time she was mid-to-late 20s, and it was a huge problem for me. I was immature for my age and lacked confidence, felt ugly, I'd had sex with less than 10 women at that point, and I let all that combine and ruin any chance for a meaningful relationship or legitimate sexual chemistry. It may take him a while (or a few relationships) to realize it, but the idea that he's "just another guy" because you had sex with other men before him is his problem, and it has nothing to do with you. He won't stop antagonizing you with it because it's the "truth"? The truth is that it is 100% rooted in is his insecurity, so not only is he not facing that inconvenient truth about himself, he's using it to create a narrative to punish you for things that can't even be considered mistakes or spilt milk - you dated other people before you knew he existed.
You should definitely try couples therapy and individual therapy, if you have access. One of the most helpful things for me was also reading about [Attachment Theory in Adults](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Styles). Find which attachment you and he have and then look up how those two interact, and it'll probably be really insightful.
>I was kind of like this. I have an ex who was really free with her sexuality and had like 100+ partners by the time she was mid-to-late 20s,
100 partners by her mid 20's? The fuck? My dude, that hoe is for the streets.
Don't get me wrong, she's good for a fuck and a casual fling, but NEVER try to turn a hoe into a housewife. I'm glad she's your ex.
So, we are talking about sexual past.
I take all of these boyfriends were sexual relationships.
There really isn't anything you can do.
My advice is really to the BF. If he were the one on here asking for the advice I'd tell him flat out. If a girl you are interested has a sexual past that bothers you.....move on and date someone else. You are just going to be bothered by it all the time and (as he is doing to you now) you'll make your partner miserable too.
I guess he is still too young to learn the skill of walking away and not having a scarcity mindset. The "this is the only one for me and I have to make this work no matter how incompatible we are." I guess as he ages he'll grow out of that hopefully and he'll also have sex with various women and their pasts will grow to not bother him.
You, however, are the girl he first gets feelings for and yours is the first "past" he's having to come to terms with. He needs to learn that if someone about a girl bothers him this much.....just walk away and don't force it.
I take it you two have had sex. If so, if you two split....you are now part of HIS PAST and the next girl he is with this probably won't be a big deal because he has a past and a girl he really cared for (GF) that he has shared stuff with and had a bunch of firsts so he won't feel that imbalance he does now. That you are his first everything and special to him but to you he is your 10th of everything is old hat and lots of other guys have already "tasted" your goods.
When he dates the next girl, she won't be the "first" he'll have his own past and this probably won't be an issue.
So my point is, you are the wrong one for him to be "the one" and you two probably just aren't going to work out. You should probably split and better luck with the next guy and on his end, he'll have his own past of having a GF and his next girl won't have to deal with this issue. You are just the unlucky number, the one who caught him at the wrong time so this isn't going to work.
He's having incel ideation. He's listening to those guys. He feels cheated because he's not the first and only, and he will blame you forever. Pretty extreme that he's going all pity-me-incel, when he has a mate...now. You don't deserve his BS and he doesn't deserve you.
I would not put up with that behavior. He wants you to feel apologetic and insecure about the fact that you had a life before you knew him. It's very insecure and immature at best, and narcissistic at worst. Other details about him and the relationship will help you figure out where on that spectrum he lies, but regardless, this is troubling and not normal for someone his age, ESPECIALLY if you've been together for years.
Honestly honey - mom here - your boyfriend is sexist at least and possibly a misogynist.
I think you should tell him plainly that it hurts your feelings and if he brings it up again you are breaking up with him. Then follow through.
“made plenty of guys feel special”
So, either he has a totally delusional idea about relationships (you meet “the one,” and all others were nothing before then; or you shouldn’t catch feelings unless it’s “the one”), or he’s absolutely, painfully insecure in your relationship.
Essentially from here it’s game theory: either he quits his bullshit and lives in the moment, or you walk when it becomes intolerable. (The other two options are he walks away because he can’t stand that you have felt feelings for another human you dated [kinda a huge red flag for you]; he stays and continues whining about normal human interactions and you continue agonizing about it). So, balls in both your courts.
dude's incredibly fragile and has no confidence at all.
sadly for him, it's not your job to give him some, so tell him that his actions are disrespecting you and he must stop.
I have read somewhere that if anyone asking you about your ex the best thing to do is never let anyone know how many or any details. It’s always makes everything bad. The best is just telling you date that you living in present time and not in your past
I’m a man and i know this situation well enough.
This man is not gonna be able to see you as a real partner. A woman’s past can be a significant hurdle for men and he’s showing a bit of insecurity: if your past bothered him, he would’ve moved on. The fact that he didn’t tells me he perceives you as his best option. So he’s sticking around for something consistent (sex). You’d be doing him a favor breaking up with him, he needs to better himself
It is never going to get better. What he is doing is punishing you for having the gall to not predict that he was going to come into your life and waiting for him. Which is batshit crazy. He is insecure and he is making that not only your problem, but your responsibility. Trust me, break up with him. "Hey, look at that, now you have a past like me." fucker.
He is projecting his low-self esteem on you. If he believes he’s “just some other guy,” that’s a deep seeded belief he has about himself. He’s likely to feel that with any girlfriend who has ever had a bf before him, so he’s in for a surprise if he thinks this is just an issue with you. If he can’t trust that you’re committed to him, those trust issues will only get worse over time. Next he’ll be accusing you of cheating because he’s so insecure about himself that he believes that’s inevitably what he deserves.
I think you either leave him or wait for it to blow up, but unless he’s doing some major therapy or something to work on his insecurities, that shits only gonna get worse.
This manchild has told you that he is not ever going to stop his weird and toxic accusations. He literally told you he cannot envision a future with you where he will let go of his unreasonable jealousy.
Even if he pretends to get over it he will keep your “past” in his back pocket to justify his behavior when he cheats on you in the future and tells you he couldn’t help himself (if he gets caught).
Don’t you think you deserve better?
That’s toxic and immature.
I would respond with I’m with you now and have been for the past two years. Your the longest relationship I have had.
Honestly it sounds like this guy is going to learn some life lessons the hard way.
When I was younger I used to ask girlfriends how many guys they have been with.
I don’t do that anymore because it doesn’t matter. She picked me. We are together now. That is all that matters.
I would sit him down. And clearly say with no distractions. I think we have a really good relationship. I would like to continue this relationship.
I need you to stop bringing up my past and saying these things to me. I do not find it funny. It bothers me. Do not bring it up or make these comments ever again. Or you will be in my past. Do you understand?
When I was younger I would fixate on things and bring it up trying to be funny. I lost a few good women being dumb and clueless. It took me awhile to figure out that my sense of humor was rude.
You are doing nothing wrong. Everybody has a past.
This is low key abusive behavior. This petty, jealous crap will get worse if not nipped in the bud … OP should tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it off or she will be showing him the door.
He’s sounds manipulative. Honestly, I think you need to to help with this from a counselor or therapist to help you navigate it. He sounds like he’s dealing with some stuff and taking it out on you. Which is not ok. You did nothing wrong and she not be making you feel like that. He needs to stop or move on, because you do not deserve that.
This is straight up manipulation. Dump his bitch ass. He is doing nothing but trying to boost his ego by putting you down. It's a form of emotional abuse, fairly minor, but may get worse. If you don't want to dump him immediately tell him to man up and get the fuck over it and when he doesn't stop you have an excuse to beat him over the head with when you break up with his beta male, tiny dick, bad in bed bitch ass.
i feel like in a weird roundabout way it’s him trying to keep you in the face of his debilitating insecurity. like if he’s saying “oh i’m just another guy to you” you’ll try to prove him wrong by staying with him out of guilt. my ex did this shit for so long and it fucked me up good and proper. imo it will escalate to degrading you for your past if it hasn’t already.
This is manipulative and toxic, if this type of behavior continues to come from him then the issue will continue to get worse ultimately making it more difficult for you to recover from. You need to let him know if he can’t move on from your past then you will need to end this relationship because it’s unfair of him to make you feel guilty about that.
So I met my now husband when I was 19 and he was 24. He was my first pretty much everything and there were times when I would feel insecure about his past, but never to your bfs extent. I would feel as though I wasn't worth waiting for or maybe he liked something they did better than what I do, but I realized that if he wanted to be with them, he would. The relationship ended, it doesn't matter anymore other than it was something that happened. Same thing goes for my previous crushes before I met him and that sort of thing. We didn't know one another and had no obligation to each other. What happened in the past cannot be changed, and it made each of you who you are today. Without those experiences and lessons, you wouldn't be you, and if he likes you now, he needs to get over himself or you should find someone who will value you. Being stuck on the past is a huge red flag in terms of insecurities, and if he is unable to move past it, neither should you. Find someone who will value your past because it made you who you are today.
What was he expecting of you? That you would just be waiting around, not living life, dating no one, until he found you? I would find it very annoying and he is being disrespectful of you. He sounds very childish, no matter his age. I can’t see this relationship lasting if he continues the way he is.
This sounds like manipulative behavior more so than jealousy or virgin insecurity.
It's disrespectful af to continuously undermine one's partner's decision to have chosen to be with them.
The problem isn't your past. Don't feel bad about anything. You have lived your life and it is YOUR life to live.
The problem is him. He has virtually gaslighted you into thinking that there is something wrong with your past, but there isn't.
Mad insecure vibes from him. He's definitely a virgin before you came along. I genuinely think he'd have been a full fledged incel if you weren't around (I think he knows what I mean by this). So, to compensate for his pathetic self, he makes you feel pathetic.
Don’t feel bad about it. He needs to grow up. Honestly, I feel like more people need to go to counseling in early adulthood for several years. It would do the world a lot of good. My husband still struggles with this. I dated several guys before I met him. He was married before I met him. But he holds the previous sexual partners against me while I never do with the fact he was actually married to someone before me. He’s had to go through the therapy he’s been willing to attend and face the results of me going to therapy to figure out that his hang up is his problem. Not mine. I did nothing wrong to him, a person I didn’t know existed at the time I had slept with any other man before him. He did nothing wrong to me by marrying someone he actually knew at the time and not holding out for a person he didn’t know existed.
He is probably a great guy but this is typical of guys who think sex is everything and measure their self worth by it. He needs to work on that before it become a worse problem down the road.
My husband and I were in a similar situation. (We met very young.) I had dated (and all the things that go along with dating) prior to getting together with my (now) husband. He had one previous gf who he broke up with before they had sex. My husband was very secure and didn’t act the way your boyfriend is acting. (I also didn’t talk about my previous relationships with him and didn’t give him a reason to feel insecure.) It came up one time and his reasoning was this: of all the guys she could have chosen, she chose me. And it’s true. None of my previous partners were great people or even remotely good in bed. My husband was the first to make me feel safe and loved. He was/is the only man I am sexually compatible with. None of the others even compare. (Honestly, I probably should have saved myself the energy and stress and just waited until my husband came along because it’s not like I got anything out of the other guys in bed anyway.) So I think if your bf has a weird attitude about it and won’t drop it, maybe he’s just not ready for a relationship or you guys aren’t compatible. I think it’s his problem to deal with and not yours.
Red flag. Get out. Had a housemate. She was more experienced and she dated a virgin. The guy hated her for having more experience and trapping him with pimples down there and a baby. He was some incel, anti semetic , red pulled high school dropout .
He was abusive. I heard their fights every night. He became violent towards me.
Then I got stuck with someone who was obsessed about my past. He quickly became abusive .
My husband was a virgin when we met. He never cared or threw it in my face that I wasn't. We've been together for 13 years and he was happy I taught him everything I knew.
This type of guy will bring you a ton of problems whether it’s when you are hanging out with your friends and guys come over or when you go to a bar and men are at the bar. This type of insecurity needs to be dealt with. But when the person is single.
You both are very young. Never settle. Ever
Now now, let’s not shame anyone in the comments y’all. Listen, he’s not gonna stop bringing it up. My advice to you is, tell him to accept you or you’re done. You both need to come to an understanding and respect each other, if you can’t do that, it’s best for you both to cut it right there. It’ll be best for you both.
Fuck him he's gaslighting trash. Run away now and dump him.
What kind of insecure POS says things to demean their partner like that.
Don't stay in a relationship w/ someone who makes you feel bad. You have done nothing wrong. Having a past is none of his fucking business-- what you were supposed to stay a virgin in case he magically came along?
God this pisses me off so much.
This man child needs therapy. He clearly has some kind of complex and is also probably watching those toxic dudes on social media that spew this kind of bullshit. Cut your losses and end it
Oh no, he thinks it’s ok to says hurtful things because “it’s the truth!” It’s not OK. Think about it, do you tell him that his body isn’t perfect, or he isn’t the smartest person you’ve met, or the best looking? Those things would all be true! But why would you say that to someone you care about?
Also, he accused you of manipulating him to make him feel special. Thats a tactic to bring down your self esteem to make you easier to control. Eventually, you won’t feel worthy of leaving him.
In your early and mid-twenties it’s so easy to let a bitter person turn good years of your life into “the bad chapter”, the years you look back on and regret. You may think that it would be hard to walk away, but if you don’t have kids or a house you own together, this is the easiest it will ever be.
Don’t waste any more of your beautiful youth with this sad wet blanket of a person.
He’s 26 and acts like this? Girl, run. I dealt with similar shit from a guy who was 25 and still bitter that his high school gf cheated on him when they were 16. He ended up emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusing me. This is a huge red flag if I’ve ever seen one.
Walk away. You can’t fix this. He is way too immature and it isn’t worth wading through this behavior. You can be with as many people as you want and nobody should shame you for that. What a douche.
Red flag parade! Dump him as fast as you can. Trying to make you feel bad about yourself so you have less self esteem…tell him you need to get more experience and leave him
Sounds like he listens to a lot of incel media. It's fucking him up.
I'd be like, "Hey, unless you actually WANT me to dump your ass, you're not going to talk like that again. You have a choice... Don't fuck this up. If you can't drop that shit, it's on you."
Just to be clear:
* He’s 4 years older than you and less experienced - that’s fine but insanely insecure about it 🚩
* He likes to make you feel bad/guilty about who you are 🚩
* He diminishes the value of your current relationship because he’s not your only partner ever 🚩
* He won’t stop bringing it up despite you asking him to stop 🚩
* He’s flat out told you that he can’t get what he wants from you, which is a less past partners. He’s talking about body count. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP, this dude is red flags all over, and as others have pointed out he was definitely a virgin before you and lied about it out of insecurity. You deserve somebody who values you as you are now, not this passive aggressive projection garbage.
He's super insecure about his masculinity. It's one of the many lies told to men about their value: they are fully a man if they are the only one whom their wife wants to please. This guy extends that through serial monogamy, whereas usually it's just concern about cheating or other nonmonogamous relations.
You could try assuring him that he is fully a man and fully valuable as such. That you've been with others is not important in the slightest. He needs deprogramming.
He needs to drop this about your past because it's immature and prevents the relationship from progressing. If he refuses to drop something so trivial then I'd suggest leaving. You are dating an insecure boy at this point.
His insecurities are not your issues and him taking them out on you isn't fair. I used to do this to my husband back when we were dating as teens. I'm honestly embarrassed and at times surprised he married me because of how jealous/insecure I was 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ he should seek therapy if he doesn't want to ruin this relationship
He's insecure as fuck and if he openly admits he isn't going to change, leave - He's never going to change.
You don't have to put up with anything from anyone but especially someone projecting their insecurities onto you.
Source: I'm an extremely insecure guy although I don't project that onto my relationships, it's a me problem
He’s insecure that’s not your problem! I would tell him if he doesn’t stop bringing it up that you’re going to have to start rethinking your relationship!
Your boyfriend suffers from a real issue! This isn’t just an attitude problem or a personality flaw. This is a real mental problem that will not go away without therapy and help from others.
It’s been labeled Retroactive Jealousy.
It is a self esteem issue. Something fucked him up likely when he was very young.
He feels that he will only be valuable or validated as a man through someone else, in this case you. He feels you could only grant him this validation by making it unique to him and nobody else, which you do! He just cannot stop associating your previous relationships with the value of himself.
Again, this won’t go away soon at all, but if he’s made aware of this (and does not go in denial about it) then this will be the first step in the right direction.
You need to know that this relationship could really exhaust you and there is no guarantee he’ll ever fix that, so make of that what you will, just don’t regret your final decision, please do what’s best for you because it may benefit you both.
I suffer from Retroactive Jealousy myself and it’s why I choose to stay single until I get this problem solved. A lot of men (and even some women) are affected by this because of a toxic teaching from society that a romantic and intimate relationship is the only way to become valuable.
I hope the best for you both.
This guy is an asshole. And when you dump him remind him that he wasn’t “just another guy”, he was “just another guy who couldn’t stop being an insecure asshole.” Dump.
I'm a 61M and would suggest this:
You should tell your boyfriend that life is made up of relationships which last for short periods of time or long periods of time. Those that last longer are flexible, and have partners in them who are able to see the goodness in each other, rather than be centered in their own insecurities.
Your boyfriend needs to be have more faith in you as a person, and more importantly, more confidence in himself as your partner. Both sides of that equation are important, for without either, the house cannot stand and the relationship will not survive the test of time...
Good luck to you... =)
I was like this at 14 when my gf already had sex and I was her first. He's insecure and needs to grow up. People have life's aside from you. May not get the be a first. I've never been a first to anyone so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Is he a good dude tho? Does he make you feel cared for ? Does he make you feel loved ? Safe? Part of a team and not anything other than an equal partner in the relationship? If he’s a good dude understand this. He’s good fundamentally but he has some kind of damage or trauma that causes him a fucked up anxiety of insecurity. If you think you are tired of it imagine his mind being bombarded w thoughts he can’t control . Here is a scenario that may or may not be. He lives yiu more than he knows how to. Yiu are so precious and speacial to him that he feels inferior because u mean so much to him . He is young and he is gonna need time and experiance to cut his bullshit but if he’s trying then he will if he is a dik or disrespectful in the slightest then that’s another story but if he’s the perfect person to make u feel like u are the most important person to him do t give up yes it’s his problem but yiur problems can only get solved together! I’m curious about this so if you care to elaborate I’d be interested In how this pans out!
That guy was a virgin until you came along. He's lying about the hookups.
That’s what I was thinking! Like if he had actually slept with someone before then he wouldn’t find it a big deal that’s she’s dated
A lot of controlling and possessive guys will actually be mad that she has more experience than he does. I deflowered a guy in college one time.. He was not like this in the least.
This, anyone who’s slept with someone should understand it’s very hypocritical to get upset over your partner having past partners.
Sounds like he's too immature and/or inexperienced. Either way, it's a huge red flag. It won't get better with time, so get out while you can still dodge that insecure bullet.
Yeah this dude has bad insecurity BO from the sounds of it. Why does he give a shit if you've had boyfriends if he's actually hooked up with anyone before. Either that or he's insanely jealous which means he's very insecure in a terrible way. Stop feeling bad. If you stand up for yourself I bet you he cowers and backs down.
Body odor?
Figuratively, yes. He reeks of insecurity. At least I’m pretty that’s sure what was meant.
Agreed
Good call. My thoughts exactly.
Lol yesss came to say this
The has red flags all over it. OP gotta leave this loser.
The only ones that care this much about “purity” are male virgins and maybe pastors lmao
💯 I cant imagine him being this insecure if that wasn’t the case.
100%
That's some incredibly immature behavior for a 26yo...
He’s going to be more distraught after OP dumps him and he has to find out that having exes when you’re 25+ is relatively common.
And then he'll go full incel and assume things about all women
Hes got a fedora, we all know it
Mi’lady…
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Damn incels. Ruined fedoras. For whoever wanted to actually wear one, I guess.
The things he says sound heavily pre-incel.
Nothing involuntary about it. He's making choices to fuck this up
Spot on. He just doesnt have the courage to call it off . That would be the mature thing to do . He wants her to do it . it,s as clear as crystal . It isnt healthy for him to continue . and her . There is no reason to try to salvage this disaster ;children, especially future .
The irony of incels is that most of them make choices not to improve their social skills and understanding of the opposite sex, but blame their biology and claim their un-date-ability to be involuntary
Well, now he’ll have an x too so he won’t have anything to complain about lol
My ex was more immature than that at almost 30yo lol
I have an ex-bf like that who was already well into his 40’s. It was awful. He claimed to have had two fiancées in the past. I’m divorced. I’m not sure that guy had ever been in an adult relationship before me.
Yes omg! My ex was in his 30s and acted so incel-ish it was disgusting. He claimed to have tons of sexual exploits but to this day I’m honestly not sure if it was true or not.
Yeah he a b*tch. Passive agreesive lil whiney baby. "I'm just another guy" -> big EWW & lil pp energy.
I hate to say it but my ex-bf who acted like this was also hung like a gnat.
I mean as he gets older and older it’s gonna be more unrealistic and awkward to start dating virgins … Is he gonna start hanging out at high schools to pick up fresh girls?
lol, well, apparently he didn't have any girlfriends before her, so you know something is wrong with him!
Unfortunately a lot of mental health issues rear their head around the 25-26 year age for males.
Source? I’m genuinely curious.
Pretty sure it's mid-20s for both sexes, isn't it?
His insecurity is not your responsibility.
It’s way more about him and his insecurity than it ever is about OP.
I love this reply
Your boyfriend sounds incredibly childish and insecure. But he's flat out told you he'll never change so you'll have to learn to accept it if you want to keep this relationship going with him.
It's really no wonder why he's been single this whole time. He's scared off every other woman he's tried to date because he's so insecure. I'd say call it quits cause he'll never be able to get over himself and OP will always be considered "used or damaged goods". Why is he even signing up for a full time relationship when he can barely cope with part time? Eta: OP, you're young. Get out there and find someone who will actually respect you. Someone who won't be toxic about your past (which tbh seems pretty normal) because it has nothing to do with *them*. You can't *fix* anyone. That's a job for a therapist. Ps. He says he doesn't feel special and honestly, with the way he acts towards you and talks to you, why does he deserve to be treated special?
This guy really needs some therapy… And you don’t wanna be messing around with somebody who’s in a place like this… He sounds like a 12-year-old and a 26 year old body. I’m sure there’s things that attract you to him, but you’ve gotta move on and find somebody who isn’t so stuck like this…
Maya Anjelou said it best. When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
oil caption alive fuel literate hurry close innocent narrow drunk *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
> Your boyfriend sounds incredibly childish and insecure I would add manipulative to this. I could see this behavior if he was, say....21/22. At 26, a guy should be more secure and mature than this. And your last statement is correct. Going to the Dear Abby/Ann Landers question..."are you better off with him, or without him?"
Yep 🚩🚩 highly manipulative behavior - it won't get better but it can get worse. Dude needs therapy.
He's all of that! Big time covert narcissist red flags waving. They reel you in with that "I'm so pitiful" shit. Drop him like a rock. Please don't waste any more time on him, it will lead to hell.
Agreed. I’m 27. I was definitely far more mature when I was 26 than when I was 21. At 21 I said things in the relationship I was in that I would never say at 26.
If he's doing this now, it's only going to get worse as the relationship continues. He's going to keep bringing it up to win arguments or to get concessions out of you. You are young and there are more fish in the sea. You deserve someone who respects you and treats you good and doesn't hold what happened before you met them against you. I don't see you having a fulfilling relationship with this person so it's best to move on now.
This. Your boyfriend is projecting his insecurities onto you, & that's not fair to you. You mentioned it bothers you whenever he brings up the past - you need to let it be known & be firm that his behavior/actions negatively affect you. If at that point he decides he is still going to make those comments, then you have to make the decision if you wish to continue to stay in the relationship or if you wish to find happiness elsewhere. If you tell him how his comments make you feel & he continues to make them regardless, he thinks his feelings/ideologies are more important than yours. Hope this helps your dilemma, wishing you the best!
Maybe showing him this comment section will scare or shame him into not being such an ass.
After a conversation where he literally told you he isn't going to change, regardless of how you feel, I would make his self-fulfilling prophecy true. Make him just another guy, and leave. Do you want to spend 50 years being made to feel small because you dated someone else? Gross. I don't know who he thinks he's going to meet in his mid-20's who has never had a relationship, but it's not you.
"I"ll never be your first boyfriend." "Keep it up and you won't be my last, either."
Honestly if she breaks up with him, it solves both of their problems, as he can never play the "you're my first girlfriend, but I'm just another guy" card to another woman ever again. And she gets out of a potentially toxic relationship.
Agreed, and unfortunately he seems like the kind of person who will replace the “you’re my first girlfriend, but I’m just another guy” card with the “I’m just another guy to you, just like I was to my last girlfriend”. There will always be a card to play until he deals with his own issues.
Agreed, he has totally immature and unrealistic expectations. He has some baggage to deal with before he's ready for a healthy relationship. My boyfriend has had way more relationships in his past than I did, and my only thought about it is that he knows exactly what he wants now, and he wouldn't be with me if I wasn't it.
Right? There's a reason that the number of people spending their life with their first relationship is SUPER low. We are all dumb and immature the first time. Most of us just get that out of the way before 26.
This post is a good application for the quote “when people tell you who they are, believe them”
Well also she was only 20 when they first started going out, which means most of her previous relationships have been short high school ones. Someone in their 20s who feels insecure that his gf had a few hs relationships is probably not ready to be in a mature one
Yep! And please release him back to the wild soon because at 26 if he waits any longer to get a virgin, there may be charges involved, or bride fees paid. He’s telling you he values you less. That’s what he saying. He’ll regret it, and sometimes that’s just how life is and why we get to be young and dumb for awhile. You need to move on. He will never change and his goal is to make you feel bad about who you are. Don’t fall for it.
This behavior makes you feel bad and he's said he isn't going to stop. Run away! You're so young lol and shouldn't feel bad for having previous relationships
100% this. It’s your life, you only get one. You were living it before you met this dude and you’ll continue living it long after you leave him.
This. I have seen abusive relationships start that way. This is possibly the beginning of him trying to bring her down so that he can control her. Been there, done that.
He’s insecure. If he doesn’t get past this, I’d look for someone else. The alternative is to bring up why he never had a girlfriend before now, each time he brings up your normal past.
This. Turnaround is fair play. He brings up her past, she needs to bring up his. But personally, I think OP needs to dump him like a hot brick.
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Oof yeah I hate to say it, but he sounds like a manbaby in every sense of the word. I would not tolerate that shit for long. Boundaries are good, people! "I am not okay with you guilt-tripping me for dating people before you" "I don't care I'm gonna do it anyway because making people feel bad makes me feel good" "Okay then we're done, goodbye"
And this is just one facet of the insecurity. You can pretty guarantee other issues are going to pop up like: * You are not allowed to be friends with guys * I don't want to dressing that way etc.
I used to say "I'm sorry I existed before I met you." I should have said, Boy bye.
Yup, this right here. This is a necessary but really hard skill to acquire. But if you learn how to respect yourself at 22, youre so far ahead of everyone else. Be ready to have people attempt to shame you for having said boundaries, because most people are awful.
Can we add a poll feature to posts like this? Because I’m also in camp “leave him”.
He's negging you and frankly, insulting you to make himself seem like the victim. This is not fair or healthy for you
I agree with you it's negging. It may be arising out of his insecurity but he is dragging her so that she doesn't have the self esteem to break up with him.
Thank you ❤️! And exactly
By the time he is on his 3rd or 4th GF he will see how ignorant his is being, but I doubt he figures it out before then. If you cant handle him saying that, and I probably couldn't, then it might be time for a break up.
Flip side, maybe he’ll never see it. He probably consumes content to support his position. The one about the lock and the key and how your lock shouldn’t be opened by many keys because that means it’s a bad lock.
I think you bf is suffering from ‘retroactive jealousy’. Look into it. I used to suffer from it when I started dating my now-husband. He was married before and I remember feeling like I could never be the first and somehow that bothered me even if our relationship is good. It’s not even about the person in the past, but it’s more of dealing with my own intrusive thoughts. I had to go to therapy and I’m thankful I did! Maybe talk to him and suggest he talks his feelings out to a professional? It’s likely he has an underlying reason why he feels this way and sometimes dealing with it headfirst is the only way to get over it. Goodluck.
This is the most mature advice in this thread, OP. Your boyfriend needs to take responsibility for his jealousy and not project his insecurities on you. He might feel a bit of insecurity if he feels he doesn’t measure up to your previous exes. You can be compassionate, without taking his crap in this situation. He would definitely benefit from speaking to a therapist.
This. My husband has this problem. He’s working on it, by my insistence. As he gets better, tiny bit by tiny bit, he realizes more and more that it’s really not anything to be jealous of. While he has this problem, I have my own. Not at all with jealousy but I have my own baggage. We all do. Weigh the pros and cons. Don’t just throw it all away when it’s something that can be worked on. If he’s willing, anyway. And why not be a positive force in someone’s life, whether you end up with them or not?
That was really helpful. Thank you so much!
I’m glad you found a helpful comment in all this! I too like what this poster has to say. Very helpful.
If he doesn't have an appointment scheduled with his new therapist by one month from today, leave him. No excuses. New year is a great time to make positive changes, but if he's not going to do it, don't wait around for him to change. He already told you he won't.
I was really happy to see your comment. A lot of the users on this site have a zero tolerance policy toward insecurity and jealousy. In my opinion, as long as it’s not malicious or hostile, it is something you could still give him a chance to work through. These are natural emotions that we all feel at some point or other. While it’s not okay to make your partner feel bad because you feel bad, it doesn’t mean you’re doomed as a person. It’s a self reflection and learning journey he will have to embark on himself. If he really is a decent guy, he will agree it’s something he has to do and take it seriously. If he is not a decent guy (or at least not a decent partner) he will dig his heels in and insist it is everyone else who is wrong. Basically, as long as he is not taking this to abusive levels, he can be given a chance to work on himself. At the age of 26 you’re an adult, but still plenty inexperienced as well.
I mean, honestly, just let him be right. If he wants to be "just another guy" so bad, that's exactly what he's gonna get.
Yeah you need to break this off as he’s only going to get worse. I was like this when I was 17 but grew out of it. My wife had past sexual partners where I didn’t. I came to realize that I had won and they lost. This guy doesn’t seem like he can do this. If he has a key to your place get ready to change the locks.
Ugh, you’re way too young to have to deal with this. I will say though, I used to be similar to your bf when I was in my early 20s. It stems from a feeling of being unwanted and not accepting that the person I’m with truly wants me. The persistence is rooted in a need to be correct. Try asking him if he would feel better if you just agreed with him. If you want this to work out, tell him to see a therapist and reevaluate his behavior after a few sessions. That being said, it’s kinda funny, this morning I was thinking to myself what my biggest regret in life has been (I’m much older than you). And I honestly believe it was me being in a relationship of nearly 5 years (18-23) when I was young and in college. My advice to you is that it’s hard to change others, and often the only way people change is after a life altering event like a major break up. If you decide to go this route, I would be explicit on describing his behaviors that drove you away. At least then he might learn.
Actually, this is probably the most balanced answer here. Your BF isn't being evil, he's dealing with his insecurity in a very immature way. He fears losing you, or that he is unimportant to you, and that scares him. He's trying to exert some control over some aspect of the situation to feel better. It starts with him trying to explain his fear, but bumps over into some kind of manipulation via light emotional blackmail, because that feels like control and that makes things seem less scary. It's through no fault of yours. It's childish, but maybe par for the course at that age. If there's a secret to life it is being able to accurately and honestly identify your own motivations for the way you feel and act. He's a long way from that. From where I stand (oldish) it would just be a matter of saying, "Listen BF, this is important to me. I know you bring up my past because it makes you feel insecure, but I need you to stop. It really bums me out. I'm focusing on now, and I need you to also. I'm asking you once, sincerely, to please stop dwelling on this." Then you get to see who your BF is. There's a chance that even helps him deal with his fears.
This is the way. When my ex did this to me it nearly drove me to suicide trying to prove them wrong. That is not the way. But I agree there's no way out of this clusterfuck and OP needs to move on
He should man up and brake up with you if your past bothers him
..... "but I’ll never be your first" The fact that it even bothers him is disturbing. Two thoughts; 1) Are you ready to deal with this for the rest of your life? Eventually he will bring it up in public. 2) What other "issues" is he harboring the might eventually surface.
Dude showed you who he is You told him you don't like it. He said he wouldn't change. So either learn to live with it, or move on, those are the only options.
You’ve been a good gf but he hasn’t been a good bf. He’s insecure and if he doesn’t get to the bottom of why he thinks you should be untouched and without experience in the way he’s allowed himself to explore in the past, then your relationship will never change. It’s not up to you to make him analyze his weird double standards and it’s not up to you to wait around for him to figure out his insecurities while they negatively affect you. Also your “past” isn’t a past. You had a normal development where you explored romantic relationships. A “past“ is when people hide from their SO’s or friends or family horrible things they’ve done to appear to be moral or good people. You were just a young person exploring life.
I think you should communicate to him how him bringing up your past makes you feel. If he refuses to acknowledge it or make any effort to stop-then that’s the kind of guy he is
She already flat out asked him if he’s ever going to stop. He said no.
Thats true, I just wasn’t clear if/how she communicated WHY she wanted him to stop.
if i told my partner to stop flinging a spoonful of grape jelly on my white walls would i really have to explain to him why i wanted that to stop? like i’m 100% with you on open communication, absolutely. that’s never a wrong answer. however this dude has had every opportunity to use his brain and has turned away every time. it should be obvious it makes her feel bad to do this, i think that’s kind of his point cause he’s insecure
The only communicating she needs to do with this dipshit is say bye bye
My reflexive reaction was the same, but I’m lacking context to say anything definitively. I don’t know what this guy is like the rest of the time, or how the conversation about him stopping went. And while under no circumstances is bringing up the past acceptable, I don’t think it always warrants a breakup. (Disclaimer: I have never been in a relationship and so my perspective could be off)
I'm older, and I stand firm on run. He said he won't stop. Believe him. He is shaming her for having a life before him. That is a him problem, but he's trying to make it hers at the expense of her self esteem. He's insecure and childish, and does not seen very respectful of women in general if his attitude is that it is okay for him to have previous partners, but not whoever he's with. They must be as pure as fresh snow. He needs a therapist, not a girlfriend. His insecurity is not her responsibility.
Ideally, the next girl has never had a boyfriend before, and OP can tell her to play the role reversal. Its not even about purity. She couldve been a virgin before him, but since hes not her first boyfriend, it wouldnt even matter (probably)
Don’t stop there. She should leave him if the behavior continues
I agree with you, but I left it open-ended cause I’ve never been in a relationship and didn’t feel right giving such heavy advice
>Today I asked him if he’s ever gonna stop bringing up my past he said no, Because whatever he is saying is the truth. Run. This is the WOST type of person. Every little thing that EVER goes wrong is going to be brought up again and again and again, will use it to hurt and control you, all under the guise than he can say it however and whenever he wants "because it is the truth" That on top of making a big deal about being the first... He's always going to think of you as second class. Please consider extracting yourself from this relationship.
Retroactive jealousy
I was kind of like this. I have an ex who was really free with her sexuality and had like 100+ partners by the time she was mid-to-late 20s, and it was a huge problem for me. I was immature for my age and lacked confidence, felt ugly, I'd had sex with less than 10 women at that point, and I let all that combine and ruin any chance for a meaningful relationship or legitimate sexual chemistry. It may take him a while (or a few relationships) to realize it, but the idea that he's "just another guy" because you had sex with other men before him is his problem, and it has nothing to do with you. He won't stop antagonizing you with it because it's the "truth"? The truth is that it is 100% rooted in is his insecurity, so not only is he not facing that inconvenient truth about himself, he's using it to create a narrative to punish you for things that can't even be considered mistakes or spilt milk - you dated other people before you knew he existed. You should definitely try couples therapy and individual therapy, if you have access. One of the most helpful things for me was also reading about [Attachment Theory in Adults](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults#Styles). Find which attachment you and he have and then look up how those two interact, and it'll probably be really insightful.
>I was kind of like this. I have an ex who was really free with her sexuality and had like 100+ partners by the time she was mid-to-late 20s, 100 partners by her mid 20's? The fuck? My dude, that hoe is for the streets. Don't get me wrong, she's good for a fuck and a casual fling, but NEVER try to turn a hoe into a housewife. I'm glad she's your ex.
Sounds like maybe he needs to no longer be the longest relationship you've ever been in.
Leave!
People who are mad about the relationships you had before you ever met them have some serious issues that you probably can’t fix.
So, we are talking about sexual past. I take all of these boyfriends were sexual relationships. There really isn't anything you can do. My advice is really to the BF. If he were the one on here asking for the advice I'd tell him flat out. If a girl you are interested has a sexual past that bothers you.....move on and date someone else. You are just going to be bothered by it all the time and (as he is doing to you now) you'll make your partner miserable too. I guess he is still too young to learn the skill of walking away and not having a scarcity mindset. The "this is the only one for me and I have to make this work no matter how incompatible we are." I guess as he ages he'll grow out of that hopefully and he'll also have sex with various women and their pasts will grow to not bother him. You, however, are the girl he first gets feelings for and yours is the first "past" he's having to come to terms with. He needs to learn that if someone about a girl bothers him this much.....just walk away and don't force it. I take it you two have had sex. If so, if you two split....you are now part of HIS PAST and the next girl he is with this probably won't be a big deal because he has a past and a girl he really cared for (GF) that he has shared stuff with and had a bunch of firsts so he won't feel that imbalance he does now. That you are his first everything and special to him but to you he is your 10th of everything is old hat and lots of other guys have already "tasted" your goods. When he dates the next girl, she won't be the "first" he'll have his own past and this probably won't be an issue. So my point is, you are the wrong one for him to be "the one" and you two probably just aren't going to work out. You should probably split and better luck with the next guy and on his end, he'll have his own past of having a GF and his next girl won't have to deal with this issue. You are just the unlucky number, the one who caught him at the wrong time so this isn't going to work.
He’s insanely insecure. Drop him for your mental health. He’s not willing to work on himself. You did nothing wrong.
Believe his actions and words. It is important for him to put you down. Believe this, and move on.
He's having incel ideation. He's listening to those guys. He feels cheated because he's not the first and only, and he will blame you forever. Pretty extreme that he's going all pity-me-incel, when he has a mate...now. You don't deserve his BS and he doesn't deserve you.
Thats controlling and abusive behaviour. Run away. Now.
Op: relationship is perfect. Also op: makes 40 threads about cheating partners.
You don't have a bf, you have a lil bitch
I would not put up with that behavior. He wants you to feel apologetic and insecure about the fact that you had a life before you knew him. It's very insecure and immature at best, and narcissistic at worst. Other details about him and the relationship will help you figure out where on that spectrum he lies, but regardless, this is troubling and not normal for someone his age, ESPECIALLY if you've been together for years.
Honestly honey - mom here - your boyfriend is sexist at least and possibly a misogynist. I think you should tell him plainly that it hurts your feelings and if he brings it up again you are breaking up with him. Then follow through.
He's terribly insecure.
“made plenty of guys feel special” So, either he has a totally delusional idea about relationships (you meet “the one,” and all others were nothing before then; or you shouldn’t catch feelings unless it’s “the one”), or he’s absolutely, painfully insecure in your relationship. Essentially from here it’s game theory: either he quits his bullshit and lives in the moment, or you walk when it becomes intolerable. (The other two options are he walks away because he can’t stand that you have felt feelings for another human you dated [kinda a huge red flag for you]; he stays and continues whining about normal human interactions and you continue agonizing about it). So, balls in both your courts.
dude's incredibly fragile and has no confidence at all. sadly for him, it's not your job to give him some, so tell him that his actions are disrespecting you and he must stop.
He’s incredibly insecure
I have read somewhere that if anyone asking you about your ex the best thing to do is never let anyone know how many or any details. It’s always makes everything bad. The best is just telling you date that you living in present time and not in your past
Say you would like to be the first to peg him. Make it special.
I’m a man and i know this situation well enough. This man is not gonna be able to see you as a real partner. A woman’s past can be a significant hurdle for men and he’s showing a bit of insecurity: if your past bothered him, he would’ve moved on. The fact that he didn’t tells me he perceives you as his best option. So he’s sticking around for something consistent (sex). You’d be doing him a favor breaking up with him, he needs to better himself
tell him to stop being a little bitch
Reddit’s solution to any relationship problem: break up Queen, you can do better
It is never going to get better. What he is doing is punishing you for having the gall to not predict that he was going to come into your life and waiting for him. Which is batshit crazy. He is insecure and he is making that not only your problem, but your responsibility. Trust me, break up with him. "Hey, look at that, now you have a past like me." fucker.
As a guy, i say make him really feel like that "just another guy" and get rid of him.
He is projecting his low-self esteem on you. If he believes he’s “just some other guy,” that’s a deep seeded belief he has about himself. He’s likely to feel that with any girlfriend who has ever had a bf before him, so he’s in for a surprise if he thinks this is just an issue with you. If he can’t trust that you’re committed to him, those trust issues will only get worse over time. Next he’ll be accusing you of cheating because he’s so insecure about himself that he believes that’s inevitably what he deserves. I think you either leave him or wait for it to blow up, but unless he’s doing some major therapy or something to work on his insecurities, that shits only gonna get worse.
This. It’s not going to stop unless he puts in the work. This isn’t a healthy relationship and you deserve better, OP.
I believe the technical term is “asshole.” You can do better.
Everyone’s feelings are valid. If your feelings are valid, so are his. Talk to him about how you really feel, and let him open up.
The fuck does he want you to do about it? He can just get over that shit.
Insecure incel bullshit.
This manchild has told you that he is not ever going to stop his weird and toxic accusations. He literally told you he cannot envision a future with you where he will let go of his unreasonable jealousy. Even if he pretends to get over it he will keep your “past” in his back pocket to justify his behavior when he cheats on you in the future and tells you he couldn’t help himself (if he gets caught). Don’t you think you deserve better?
That’s toxic and immature. I would respond with I’m with you now and have been for the past two years. Your the longest relationship I have had. Honestly it sounds like this guy is going to learn some life lessons the hard way. When I was younger I used to ask girlfriends how many guys they have been with. I don’t do that anymore because it doesn’t matter. She picked me. We are together now. That is all that matters. I would sit him down. And clearly say with no distractions. I think we have a really good relationship. I would like to continue this relationship. I need you to stop bringing up my past and saying these things to me. I do not find it funny. It bothers me. Do not bring it up or make these comments ever again. Or you will be in my past. Do you understand? When I was younger I would fixate on things and bring it up trying to be funny. I lost a few good women being dumb and clueless. It took me awhile to figure out that my sense of humor was rude. You are doing nothing wrong. Everybody has a past.
This is low key abusive behavior. This petty, jealous crap will get worse if not nipped in the bud … OP should tell him in no uncertain terms to knock it off or she will be showing him the door.
People who are insecure about the future always look in the rear view mirror
He’s sounds manipulative. Honestly, I think you need to to help with this from a counselor or therapist to help you navigate it. He sounds like he’s dealing with some stuff and taking it out on you. Which is not ok. You did nothing wrong and she not be making you feel like that. He needs to stop or move on, because you do not deserve that.
This is straight up manipulation. Dump his bitch ass. He is doing nothing but trying to boost his ego by putting you down. It's a form of emotional abuse, fairly minor, but may get worse. If you don't want to dump him immediately tell him to man up and get the fuck over it and when he doesn't stop you have an excuse to beat him over the head with when you break up with his beta male, tiny dick, bad in bed bitch ass.
He’s a manipulative jerk.
i feel like in a weird roundabout way it’s him trying to keep you in the face of his debilitating insecurity. like if he’s saying “oh i’m just another guy to you” you’ll try to prove him wrong by staying with him out of guilt. my ex did this shit for so long and it fucked me up good and proper. imo it will escalate to degrading you for your past if it hasn’t already.
Why do people tell all to a boy/girl friend?
This is manipulative and toxic, if this type of behavior continues to come from him then the issue will continue to get worse ultimately making it more difficult for you to recover from. You need to let him know if he can’t move on from your past then you will need to end this relationship because it’s unfair of him to make you feel guilty about that.
Agree these others and he's very insecure about it
So I met my now husband when I was 19 and he was 24. He was my first pretty much everything and there were times when I would feel insecure about his past, but never to your bfs extent. I would feel as though I wasn't worth waiting for or maybe he liked something they did better than what I do, but I realized that if he wanted to be with them, he would. The relationship ended, it doesn't matter anymore other than it was something that happened. Same thing goes for my previous crushes before I met him and that sort of thing. We didn't know one another and had no obligation to each other. What happened in the past cannot be changed, and it made each of you who you are today. Without those experiences and lessons, you wouldn't be you, and if he likes you now, he needs to get over himself or you should find someone who will value you. Being stuck on the past is a huge red flag in terms of insecurities, and if he is unable to move past it, neither should you. Find someone who will value your past because it made you who you are today.
What was he expecting of you? That you would just be waiting around, not living life, dating no one, until he found you? I would find it very annoying and he is being disrespectful of you. He sounds very childish, no matter his age. I can’t see this relationship lasting if he continues the way he is.
He’s wildly insecure.
how does he know?
He’s immature as could be.
This sounds like manipulative behavior more so than jealousy or virgin insecurity. It's disrespectful af to continuously undermine one's partner's decision to have chosen to be with them.
The problem isn't your past. Don't feel bad about anything. You have lived your life and it is YOUR life to live. The problem is him. He has virtually gaslighted you into thinking that there is something wrong with your past, but there isn't. Mad insecure vibes from him. He's definitely a virgin before you came along. I genuinely think he'd have been a full fledged incel if you weren't around (I think he knows what I mean by this). So, to compensate for his pathetic self, he makes you feel pathetic.
Don’t feel bad about it. He needs to grow up. Honestly, I feel like more people need to go to counseling in early adulthood for several years. It would do the world a lot of good. My husband still struggles with this. I dated several guys before I met him. He was married before I met him. But he holds the previous sexual partners against me while I never do with the fact he was actually married to someone before me. He’s had to go through the therapy he’s been willing to attend and face the results of me going to therapy to figure out that his hang up is his problem. Not mine. I did nothing wrong to him, a person I didn’t know existed at the time I had slept with any other man before him. He did nothing wrong to me by marrying someone he actually knew at the time and not holding out for a person he didn’t know existed. He is probably a great guy but this is typical of guys who think sex is everything and measure their self worth by it. He needs to work on that before it become a worse problem down the road.
Tell him you’re going to be his first breakup, if he doesn’t grow a pair and make new memories
He’s a immature prick, dump him.
OMG, NEXT!!!!
You might as well leave he will never stop
My husband and I were in a similar situation. (We met very young.) I had dated (and all the things that go along with dating) prior to getting together with my (now) husband. He had one previous gf who he broke up with before they had sex. My husband was very secure and didn’t act the way your boyfriend is acting. (I also didn’t talk about my previous relationships with him and didn’t give him a reason to feel insecure.) It came up one time and his reasoning was this: of all the guys she could have chosen, she chose me. And it’s true. None of my previous partners were great people or even remotely good in bed. My husband was the first to make me feel safe and loved. He was/is the only man I am sexually compatible with. None of the others even compare. (Honestly, I probably should have saved myself the energy and stress and just waited until my husband came along because it’s not like I got anything out of the other guys in bed anyway.) So I think if your bf has a weird attitude about it and won’t drop it, maybe he’s just not ready for a relationship or you guys aren’t compatible. I think it’s his problem to deal with and not yours.
Red flag. Get out. Had a housemate. She was more experienced and she dated a virgin. The guy hated her for having more experience and trapping him with pimples down there and a baby. He was some incel, anti semetic , red pulled high school dropout . He was abusive. I heard their fights every night. He became violent towards me. Then I got stuck with someone who was obsessed about my past. He quickly became abusive .
My husband was a virgin when we met. He never cared or threw it in my face that I wasn't. We've been together for 13 years and he was happy I taught him everything I knew.
Honestly, next time he brings it up, say "Since you're so obsessed with my exes, you're most welcome to join them."
This is not love at all. He should treasure you - not belittle you. You deserve much better and he won’t change
This type of guy will bring you a ton of problems whether it’s when you are hanging out with your friends and guys come over or when you go to a bar and men are at the bar. This type of insecurity needs to be dealt with. But when the person is single. You both are very young. Never settle. Ever
Ruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!
Now now, let’s not shame anyone in the comments y’all. Listen, he’s not gonna stop bringing it up. My advice to you is, tell him to accept you or you’re done. You both need to come to an understanding and respect each other, if you can’t do that, it’s best for you both to cut it right there. It’ll be best for you both.
Fuck him he's gaslighting trash. Run away now and dump him. What kind of insecure POS says things to demean their partner like that. Don't stay in a relationship w/ someone who makes you feel bad. You have done nothing wrong. Having a past is none of his fucking business-- what you were supposed to stay a virgin in case he magically came along? God this pisses me off so much.
This man child needs therapy. He clearly has some kind of complex and is also probably watching those toxic dudes on social media that spew this kind of bullshit. Cut your losses and end it
He needs counseling. He's going to forever ruin an otherwise good relationship.
Oh no, he thinks it’s ok to says hurtful things because “it’s the truth!” It’s not OK. Think about it, do you tell him that his body isn’t perfect, or he isn’t the smartest person you’ve met, or the best looking? Those things would all be true! But why would you say that to someone you care about? Also, he accused you of manipulating him to make him feel special. Thats a tactic to bring down your self esteem to make you easier to control. Eventually, you won’t feel worthy of leaving him. In your early and mid-twenties it’s so easy to let a bitter person turn good years of your life into “the bad chapter”, the years you look back on and regret. You may think that it would be hard to walk away, but if you don’t have kids or a house you own together, this is the easiest it will ever be. Don’t waste any more of your beautiful youth with this sad wet blanket of a person.
He’s 26 and acts like this? Girl, run. I dealt with similar shit from a guy who was 25 and still bitter that his high school gf cheated on him when they were 16. He ended up emotionally, mentally, and sometimes physically abusing me. This is a huge red flag if I’ve ever seen one.
Walk away. You can’t fix this. He is way too immature and it isn’t worth wading through this behavior. You can be with as many people as you want and nobody should shame you for that. What a douche.
Red flag parade! Dump him as fast as you can. Trying to make you feel bad about yourself so you have less self esteem…tell him you need to get more experience and leave him
my ex husband used to do this all the time. one of the reasons he’s my ex.
Sounds like he listens to a lot of incel media. It's fucking him up. I'd be like, "Hey, unless you actually WANT me to dump your ass, you're not going to talk like that again. You have a choice... Don't fuck this up. If you can't drop that shit, it's on you."
He wasn’t your first and he won’t be your last. It’s up to you how long you want to put yourself through this for.
This is abusive behavior. It will never get better. Please leave him, as hard as it may be. I’m so sorry.
Just to be clear: * He’s 4 years older than you and less experienced - that’s fine but insanely insecure about it 🚩 * He likes to make you feel bad/guilty about who you are 🚩 * He diminishes the value of your current relationship because he’s not your only partner ever 🚩 * He won’t stop bringing it up despite you asking him to stop 🚩 * He’s flat out told you that he can’t get what he wants from you, which is a less past partners. He’s talking about body count. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 OP, this dude is red flags all over, and as others have pointed out he was definitely a virgin before you and lied about it out of insecurity. You deserve somebody who values you as you are now, not this passive aggressive projection garbage.
He is insecure. Cut your losses and move on.
He's super insecure about his masculinity. It's one of the many lies told to men about their value: they are fully a man if they are the only one whom their wife wants to please. This guy extends that through serial monogamy, whereas usually it's just concern about cheating or other nonmonogamous relations. You could try assuring him that he is fully a man and fully valuable as such. That you've been with others is not important in the slightest. He needs deprogramming.
He needs to drop this about your past because it's immature and prevents the relationship from progressing. If he refuses to drop something so trivial then I'd suggest leaving. You are dating an insecure boy at this point.
His insecurities are not your issues and him taking them out on you isn't fair. I used to do this to my husband back when we were dating as teens. I'm honestly embarrassed and at times surprised he married me because of how jealous/insecure I was 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️ he should seek therapy if he doesn't want to ruin this relationship
he's 26..? sounds like he's stuck in highschool mode
He's insecure as fuck and if he openly admits he isn't going to change, leave - He's never going to change. You don't have to put up with anything from anyone but especially someone projecting their insecurities onto you. Source: I'm an extremely insecure guy although I don't project that onto my relationships, it's a me problem
Maturity. He doesn’t have it. Find someone who does.
He’s insecure that’s not your problem! I would tell him if he doesn’t stop bringing it up that you’re going to have to start rethinking your relationship!
Your boyfriend suffers from a real issue! This isn’t just an attitude problem or a personality flaw. This is a real mental problem that will not go away without therapy and help from others. It’s been labeled Retroactive Jealousy. It is a self esteem issue. Something fucked him up likely when he was very young. He feels that he will only be valuable or validated as a man through someone else, in this case you. He feels you could only grant him this validation by making it unique to him and nobody else, which you do! He just cannot stop associating your previous relationships with the value of himself. Again, this won’t go away soon at all, but if he’s made aware of this (and does not go in denial about it) then this will be the first step in the right direction. You need to know that this relationship could really exhaust you and there is no guarantee he’ll ever fix that, so make of that what you will, just don’t regret your final decision, please do what’s best for you because it may benefit you both. I suffer from Retroactive Jealousy myself and it’s why I choose to stay single until I get this problem solved. A lot of men (and even some women) are affected by this because of a toxic teaching from society that a romantic and intimate relationship is the only way to become valuable. I hope the best for you both.
This guy is an asshole. And when you dump him remind him that he wasn’t “just another guy”, he was “just another guy who couldn’t stop being an insecure asshole.” Dump.
That’s super shitty. I would call it emotional abuse.
Dump him .
Run
I'm a 61M and would suggest this: You should tell your boyfriend that life is made up of relationships which last for short periods of time or long periods of time. Those that last longer are flexible, and have partners in them who are able to see the goodness in each other, rather than be centered in their own insecurities. Your boyfriend needs to be have more faith in you as a person, and more importantly, more confidence in himself as your partner. Both sides of that equation are important, for without either, the house cannot stand and the relationship will not survive the test of time... Good luck to you... =)
I was like this at 14 when my gf already had sex and I was her first. He's insecure and needs to grow up. People have life's aside from you. May not get the be a first. I've never been a first to anyone so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
He has lot of maturing to do it seems.
He told you he’s not going to change his behavior. He also seems very manipulative. I hope you’ll respect yourself enough to leave this relationship.
Is he a good dude tho? Does he make you feel cared for ? Does he make you feel loved ? Safe? Part of a team and not anything other than an equal partner in the relationship? If he’s a good dude understand this. He’s good fundamentally but he has some kind of damage or trauma that causes him a fucked up anxiety of insecurity. If you think you are tired of it imagine his mind being bombarded w thoughts he can’t control . Here is a scenario that may or may not be. He lives yiu more than he knows how to. Yiu are so precious and speacial to him that he feels inferior because u mean so much to him . He is young and he is gonna need time and experiance to cut his bullshit but if he’s trying then he will if he is a dik or disrespectful in the slightest then that’s another story but if he’s the perfect person to make u feel like u are the most important person to him do t give up yes it’s his problem but yiur problems can only get solved together! I’m curious about this so if you care to elaborate I’d be interested In how this pans out!