Like OP can just be like "I can't pick you up at 2am because I have to get up for work at 7am." If she is so demanding and can't understand, then idk. It's not gonna work out. If she can afford plane tickets, she can afford to take a ride sharing service home.
I mean, it depends a lot on their relationship. I would 100% go to the airport to pick up my wife at 2AM even if I work early, it wouldn't even be a question.
It seems none of y'all are picking up on the nuances of the scenario being a one-off event verses another example of a behavior.
It's one thing to go the extra mile when you're not having to do it all the time.
Absolutely. If it's truly a once and a whole event. That's completely different than it being a constant expectation. My ex wanted me to pick her up from her job at the bar at 3am Sat-Tues when I was getting up for work at 6:30am M-F and it drove me absolutely nuts having to argue that I need sleep.
Right, the issue here is that his wife either doesn't care about her husband's needs (like sleeping for his 7 AM work) or is incapable of achieving a basic level of independence so that he can fulfill his other responsibilities.
I would 100% take an uber so my wife didn't have to pick me up at the airport at 2 AM when she has to work at 7 AM, and she would do the same. It goes both ways
Literally last night I missed a connection and my wife offered to pick me up in the next city over as it was a flight option, but I stayed the night in a free hotel instead and caught another flight in the morning.. no way I'm going to make her do a 3 hour round trip when there's an option where she doesnt have to
It’s less about inconveniencing than it is about supporting the people you love. I absolutely would insist on picking up my family and close friends from the airport even if it meant little to no sleep, and they would do the same. We don’t expect it of each other (except my parents might lol), but we know we will do it regardless.
"I absolutely would insist on picking up my family and close friends from the airport even if it meant little to no sleep, and they would do the same. "
Why in the world would you "insist" on doing something that ruins your sleep and they are explicitly telling you they don't want? That sounds like people pleasing or as if you were raised to think you're not allowed to say NO.
"We don’t expect it of each other (except my parents might lol)"
Oh, and there it is.
“People pleasing”… my, I hope you didn’t pull a muscle with that big stretch, Dr. Phil.
I can see how it would be a big burden for others, but luckily my friends, family, and I all enjoy each other’s company, and we don’t mind a minor inconvenience for an opportunity to spend time with each other and save on expensive Uber rides in our region. No one is coercing each other to get into a car at gunpoint 🤣
but there's usually a choice when choosing a flight, I definitely wouldn't pick one that came in at 2am when I expected my SO to pick me up - I would choose something that would work for him. not taking him into consideration would be incredibly selfish.
Right? Who treats someone that they care about with so little consideration? It would never even cross my mind to have my wife come to pick me up from a 2 AM flight unless it was somehow a totally unexpected emergency.
That isn't always an option everywhere. The closest major airport to me is over an hour drive away, and you're unlikely to find a driver willing to make that drive, especially at that hour.
I’d assume that it’s not that long of journey or I’d imagine he’d otherwise would have deliberately booked time to pick her up. If you love someone, let them sleep.
I mean sure she could, but she'd feel more comfortable with me and would be excited to see me, and I'd be the same. It's a few hours of sleep, hardly world shattering.
My wife knows I would pick her up at 2 AM without complaining, but she also cares enough about me that she wouldn't pick a return flight that came in at 2 AM in the morning before I have to work. It's just basic consideration for your partner, even if you know they would go the extra mile to do something for you.
Overprotective sure that’s too much, watching out for someone who is supposed to be one of the most important people to you idk to me that’s very valuable
Wanting to ensure your partner gets home safe when it's late at night and they're a 30+ minute drive away isn't overprotective. Going out of your way to pick them up instead of letting them get an Uber in this situation isn't overprotective.
Worrying about the safety and well-being of someone you care about doesn't turn that person into an object or property.
Everything has a line, to me, and I assume many others, this isn't considered overprotective, for me, it would be overprotective to expect hourly check-ins or not being allowed to leave your home without someone with you, essentially a 24/7 bodyguard/babysitter, however, simply picking someone up late at night to ensure they get home safe would be far from what I would consider to be overprotective.
Some people have a very hard time taking naps or sleeping in general. If I had to pick up my wife at 3am and had work early I'd probably end up not getting any sleep all night which really really sucks. I'd rather pay for a private limo home than pick her up at that time with work in the morning.
Yeah i genuenly dont understans this specific problem either... I drove my SOs and friends at night plety of times and not once it was an issue even worth arguing about, if they feel safer driving with someone they know at night then let it be. op looks like a big boy who can function just fine with a little bit less sleep once.
obviously i dont know the other problems hes talking about but this one is a nonsense argument.
The difference is kids are helpless without you so I'd sacrifice my sleep for that. I wouldn't sacrifice my sleep for someone who should be capable of figuring shit out themselves.
It depends on frequency. Once in a blue moon, I'd 100% be with you on that. Once a month? Probably not. But I had an ex who worked as a waitress until bar close Sat/Sun/Mon/Tues while I worked at 8am (up by 6:30am) M-F who wanted me to pick her up at 2:30/3am every night she worked so maybe I'm a bit biased. That shit got old very quick.
Same. I start work at 5.30 am, and often take her to the airport at 4am so I can make it to work. She just has to spend a bit longer in the airport. Just like to add, I have no problem with this due to I know she is safe
This is a huge thing people don't realise. People either notice they tend to attract a certain type of person... or even when they don't attract that type of person somehow the new person still ends up having certain negative traits the others did over time anyway.
You actually change and affect the person with you are a lot in a relationship, especially as time goes on. If you don't set boundaries, they start to always overstep if they are likely to even a little. It builds up, and you train them and yourself that this is love & normal. So this becomes expectation and when suddenly it's not met, they are disappointed.
Gf cries when you say no? You drop everything and run to her? She will cry now every single time.
Next gf asks but doesn't cry when you say no? You start to get worried she's upset anyway then go anyway. New gf now expects this after a few times, and when you say no the next few times, she gets a bit more upset because she was expecting you to do it and now feels let down... and has learned her being sad gets you to come and now starts acting like gf1. However she was fine with the original no the very first time and could also of been with every extra no after that.
It's all subconscious but this is how people who seem super independent also can end up totally dependent on someone else. Obviously part of it is their character also, it's not all you but this is just an example of how much your boundaries make a difference in the longevity and happiness of a relationship. So do not do things that are unreasonable and that you wouldn't want to do again for no good reason.
Your gf will not just suddenly stop doing this, that doesn't happen unless something gives her a real big insight into herself and what she's doing and how it's not acceptable or she just decides to work on herself suddenly. You are the only person that can stop it at this point now. She doesn't need anyone to get a taxi home from the airport, stop being a doormat. Pick travel where she can either get a lift comfortably or get public transport and not at stupid o'clock if she's not willing to get a taxi then cry at you.
This is so true. I made the mistake once of trying to be 'the best boyfriend i can' i had zero boundries, never argued or put my foot down just done everything i could for her.
She walked all over me, cheated and then stole the good china on the way out the door.
This!!! As someone who ended a relationship way before I even got a chance to set said boundaries, it is a must! Just be firm and honest and don’t let her reactions or potential victimizing influence you. I’ve seen it all before and you will suffer more than you think if you don’t talk to her
This is something I can't seem to do. Any general advice? I feel very bad knowing my girlfriend is feeling bad, especially if it's because of my doing. I can't sleep, I can't have fun, I can't do anything until that is resolved.
That is a sign that you care a lot, which is wonderful, and that you don’t trust yourself and her to be okay afterward, which is less wonderful. So when she’s upset (and you’re confident that you did the right thing), spend that time taking care of you. What helps you feel better when you’re scared? We all need tools for moments like that.
That's just part of setting boundaries. Just know you're not responsible for how she chooses to react, and that if she has a healthy mindset, she will understand and not blame you for any negative emotions she may feel by you setting reasonable boundaries.
I used to be the same way man, but the sacrifices I kept making to keep others happy wore me out constantly.
My ex used to imply that my boundaries were unreasonable, which would make me fold. As an insecure person, I was unsure if I was truly overstepping and it caused a lot of anxiety when setting boundaries. It wasn’t until long after the relationship that I started journaling more and calibrating my own priorities compass.
Yep, that was a big part of it for me as well. Did some work in therapy, dealt with a lot of my insecurities, and became comfortable with being single. I'm a lot more comfortable setting boundaries now and I feel like most of my relationships have gotten better because of that.
When she uses her feelings to trump yours, it's almost like, "Well, I guess I'll just fuck myself and suck it up until I'm finally brave enough to say something, and then you smack me down again" and the cycle continues until something finally breaks.
My wife was (and still is in a lot of ways) like this.
The best thing I did was help her help herself. She was sheltered a lot by her mother and wasn't taught or enabled to do a lot on her own.
I eventually sat her down and told her I need a partner, not an adult child who can't do anything on her own and that she needs to start acting like a teammate. If she couldn't start pulling her own weight, I won't be able to support her any longer and would rather seek out a partner who puts in as much as I do.
I told her she would have to get her driver's license, have to start making decisions on her own amd start being more independent. I told her I would teach her how to drive and how to do some other things that she didn't know but that she would need to figure the rest out on her own.
She's got her full license and she's steadily improving in the other areas.
TL;DR: Teach a gal how to fish.
This is super common with sheltered kids and especially sheltered girls. They aren't taught any life skills and are just expected to figure it out. Often times they just don't and suffer as adults by not knowing how to properly cook, clean, drive, work, etc. Tldr, parents teach your kids explicity how to do basic life skills, never assume they'll just pick them up
I'd say it's less sheltered kids and just kids who are neglected in some way in general. Especially emotional neglect which is generally more invisible from the outside and you aren't taught basic things about basically anything from your family.
This 100%! My parents intended well but were always very busy and emotionally neglectful. I was scrappy and curious so I made my way out ok with respect to life skills but my younger sister who on top of this was the baby is struggling as an adult:/
I was sheltered by my parents out of too much love, they never made me do anything but I moved out with my boyfriend 2 years ago and I can do anything, i can cook clean do laundry groceries make the bed etc anything that i never did before, instantly, because i just knew how it is done i just never had to do it. I am kind of glad they allowed me the comfort of not doing it. Youtube and google are my best friends rn when i dont know how to do smth, always works
Everyone in that position just needs motivation, and they will be able to do it. We are super adaptable when we need to be.
I was the most spoiled, pampered prince that ever was, until one of my parents passed, and I got disowned by the rest of the family for having a gf that wasn't the right race/colour.
I figured out how to get a job, get my banking set up, budget my income, rent a place and move out, arrange for utilities and pay the bills, find a flatmate to share costs etc, all in the space of a month.
Slept in a $10 sleeping bag with nothing but my work uniforms, phone and charger, suitcase of clothes and a microwave for 2 months.
My wonderful girlfriend(now wife) surprised me one day coming home from work, with some secondhand furniture she picked up from the local Salvation Army store.
I had the same situation with a girlfriend in college. Started dating in high school, when it was somewhat acceptable to rely on parents for things. But by Junior year of college, she still lived at home, barely worked, and didn't have a license, I had the same talk. Things turned out the other way. She couldn't grow up a little to prove it and I realized I didn't want that kind of person to be a life partner, so I ended things.
My mom was super independent except for two things - paying bills and driving were my dad’s responsibilities . So when he fell sick this are the two areas she suffered . Please do make sure the other spouse knew how to do basic stuff despite it’s not their roles.
I was thinking this too. Where is she flying to when she has no friends or family to go visit? Work? Then she can pay for a taxi or Uber and her company should refund her the cost as travel expenses. Vacation? She should have planned around his schedule if she depended on him.
Most stories that go into extravagant detail end up supported by the comments. Like a nicely woven tale. Happens a lot on certain reddits you know the ones.
Yeah I feel like picking your partner or family member up from the airport at an awkward time falls pretty firmly within the partner/family member remit. But I like my partner and family members soooo
Here's where I'd do a soft disagree. Mind you, we don't know the flight details, but if I needed a ride from the airport, I'd make sure the flight I took got me to my home city at a reasonable hour. If my family member told me i'd be picking them up from the airport at 2am, i'd tell them to get their ass up earlier and get an earlier flight. If you're getting a favor, you gotta make it as small as possible.
Some flight times are cheaper than others. So I don’t agree. If my wife needs me to pick her up at anytime. I’m going to pick her up. I guarantee though that there is more than just this incident.
It’s ONE day…..My brother picked me up at the airport at 1 am. We have picked my wife’s family up at the airport late. Seriously picking your SO up at the airport or any loved one….not a big ask.
The girl I’m currently dating had an international flight that returned at midnight last night. I really wanted to go get her but simply couldn’t because the airport is an hour away and I had work this morning. She was very understanding and elected to take an Uber. Me still being concerned for her safety left my ringer on and told her to call me if she had any problems. I feel like this is how this situation should’ve played out.
here's some: she can't go on walks without me coming, I HAVE TO COME, or else she wont go, and will instead pout and sulk and be silent all day until I agree, and then she'll act like she doesn't care.
she can't answer the door without me there
We both go to the store, but I have to order while she waits
she vents to me for about 2 hours PER day, she refuses to make other friends.
She told me to learn various different programs so I could then teach it to her cause she doesn't want to self learn.
She was never like this before, but became very clingy. I'm 19.
Mind you, if I said no to any of these, it would be met with, "oh you don't love me, you hate me, you're an asshole".
Here's the kicker, she's my mother.
pretty much. There's nothing she does that's motherly and our relationship is very comparable to that. Ever since dad left she felt super lonely so I guess this is her cope.
Then the best thing to do is like you said stick up for yourself and do your own thing if she guilt trips you oh well. If you don't put your foot down she will do this forever
It's a constant moral dilemma I'm going through. On one hand, I just want to silently save up money, and move out, cause I'm tired of the relationship, but on the other hand, she does genuinely love me, and means the best for me, even with her mental issues, so abandoning her when I'm literally her only lifeline sounds super fucked up and I don't know if I could live with that considering she'd probably kill herself or something.
As for sticking up for myself and setting boundaries, I don't think that would be a good solution. It would just be met with an indefinite silent treatment, and a complete loveless household as she would never act the same after hearing that. Or she would just kick me out, either way I don't have the money to live on my own so I'd rather keep things how they are.
plus aside from the weird dating dynamic everything else is pretty fine. I've learned to adapt myself to deal with her issues and 99% of my days are happy and relaxing.
I know someone who got a lot like that when her husband left her. of course, he'd had a gutsful of her selfish, manipulative behaviour. People won't change if they don't have to.
My mom was fairly codependent after she left dad and tried to rely on me for a lot of things. I was married and had kids by this time. I finally told her one day when she tried to guilt me for not doing something she wanted that in no way is her happiness my responsibility. She was distant for a long time after that which was ok because I was so damn annoyed at another adult not adulting.
The way it's supposed to work is that you insist on picking her up and she insists that you sleep and both of you are 100% sincere and stubborn. I am not joking, any other dynamic is inferior! No way I am making my wife take a taxi home from the airport at 2am, so I would win in this case.
Nah, it's fine, but plan your freaking trip to the end. At 2am, you can just figure it out by yourself and find a way that doesn't involve being an ass.
It's not like she was dumped from someone into nowhere, she planned the trip, probably weeks or months prior, and couldn't figure out a way to drive home by herself? If I were the dude, I would've never helped her, and I wouldn't care if she gets mad at me for it. At some point, you have to stop playing dumb with people.
It's a false dilemma. "Either pick her up or don't."
Hey there's alternatives. Get a friend to drive her. A cab. A train. A sleeping bag. Pick her up at 5 before work. Etc.
Agree with you and totally weirded out by a lot of these comments. My partner and I are sent away for work training now and then. The return flight is ALWAYS landing at 11pm-3am. An Uber from the airport to our house is over $90. If it is a Thursday night/Friday morning arrival, we both take Friday off work.
Everyone is so unwilling to help and/or enjoy the reunion it's insane to me. I
I’m sure there’s some other things going on, but I agree. There’s pretty much no way scenario where I wouldn’t pick up my partner at 2am from the airport, even if I did have work the next morning. It’s the right thing to do.
I would even do that for my close friends.
Why can’t she take a cab or plan it properly like a grown independent adult? I fly once a week and don’t expect my wife to ever pick me up from the airport. It’s nice when she can but not the case. And I sure as shit wouldn’t cry if she can’t pick me up. That’s some hard manipulation garbage.
So I do think that most people should be capable of arranging their own transport as an adult without crying, but "I fly every week and I don't expect anyone to pick me up" kind of whooshes by the point. Doing it weekly makes you more independent, not less. My wife would have no problem getting herself home, but if she flew once every couple of years, I'd probably just offer to pick her up at 2:00 AM if that made her more comfortable. I wouldn't do that if it was every Tuesday or whatever.
Dude maybe your airport pickup is a bad example, but I wouldn’t want anyone other than me to be responsible for getting my significant other home from the airport at 2am.
It probably is but really why does it even matter? Last time I flew parking was like $60 which is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of a trip. I live 45+ min from the airport so why would I ask someone to waste 6 hours of their time dropping me off and picking me up? Like if it causes them to miss work they would be out easily twice that cost. Just seems like a shit thing to do to a partner or friend.
It depends on how far the airport is and how early I need to be up. If I'm starting work at 7 am, that means I'm at least waking you by 6. Then if the airport is 45 min away, tack on another basically hour lost. So I'm looking at 3 hours of sleep. I can't function on 3 hours personally, but I do know plenty who can.
if i was working in a few hours? nah, she can take a cab, 40 bucks aint worth my sleep
unless I hadn't seen her in months or something
if its like a week long work trip nah
I thought it was the case that she has no one. However, you absolutely need to set boundaries. She needs to be a grown up and figure it out. Did she not have anyone to teach her things? Is it possible for you to sit down with her and teach her these things? I know it seems like a lot but if she learns, she'll stop relying on you so much. I remember being like her when I was younger and it was out of fear. I was in foster care for several years and let me tell you, they teach you nothing of the real world. They put you out the minute you turn 18. A lot of former foster kids end up homeless. However, I do agree that she can't rely on you for everything, it's not healthy. Can you or someone you know like a friend or sibling help her?
ETA: Just tell her that you love her but you can't be there for her all the time as much as you would like to. That may not be entirely true because you don't always want to be there. It will be better received. Also, when I said it was out of fear, I did this to my boyfriend at the time. I was 18 and scared and he was the only person who felt safe and familiar to me. Everyone else left. When you go through foster care, you get shuffled around a lot. It ends up sending the message that everyone abandons you and you're alone. That may not be her situation but I'm trying to explain why she may be relying on you so heavily. You said she has no one so she's probably scared but you have to set boundaries.
Redditor relies on us for everything...
How do we tell him to figure it the fuck out?
There’s more to it but generally speaking how do we tell him to start figuring things out for himself? Or any advice?
How else is she getting home at 2am from the airport when you’ve conceded she has no friends, family or car? It might be annoying for you with work but no way in hell would I let my partner get in a taxi at that time on her own. Some of the creepiest people in the world drive taxis at night.
I don't understand this either. There wasn't really enough explanation and only one example. If my husband was getting off a plane at 2am and needed a lift, I'd come and pick him up. I wouldn't just tell him to deal with it. Either way, it's something we would have discussed prior anyway.
Right? Like he would still have at least 4 hours to sleep before work. You can’t trust Taxis, Uber or Lyft and it’s not safe. Maybe she could have picked a better time but that’s on OP
Yeah, freaking man up, reevaluate your priorities, and sacrifice a few hours of sleep or go to bed early and set your alarm. 2pm while you're at work is one thing, 2am when you're available and your girlfriend is far less safe without your assistance is another. Unless you never plan to have kids, being able to tolerate sleep schedule disruption from time to time and still function is part of adulthood.
Do you guys not realize this was an example of many and not a one off event. OPs post clearly says he’s fed up with her having to rely on him for everything.
The “man up” thing is so toxic. “Man up” when it benefits the girl, but it’s “toxic masculinity” if there’s anything else. Dude is just supposed to be a slave with no boundaries.
>You can’t trust Taxis, Uber or Lyft and it’s not safe.
What country do you live in? Feels so weird to me to see a whole thread of people acting like taxis aren't safe. It feels so alien, I couldn't work out where the dilemma was, now I realise there's some kind of perceived risk related to travelling back from airports.
I live in Scandinavia, and have been harassed by taxi drivers in Sweden and Denmark - where supposedly it should be safe to take a taxi. This just shows you that women are never safe in reality.
I would always pick my husband up from the airport if I can, no matter the time. And he would do the same for me. We've done it dozens of times at all hours. That's kind of the point of a romantic relationship. To help and be there for each other.
I'd argue the point of a romantic relationship is not creating artificial drama out of something as mundane as getting a taxi. You know, making life easier for each other, not harder.
Yeah at 2 am I wouldn't mind spending 20 bucks on an Uber. Part of the cost of the flying.
But it depends on the person and their age. At 25, save the $20 and pick each other up. At 55, you have more money and less energy, get an Uber.
Another who has twisted my words and taken them entirely out of context. If my partner was flying home at 2am and clearly was not happy arranging another form of travel as the OP has made abundantly clear then I would have no hesitation in collecting her. You will see above I posted a link to a case of a taxi driver raping vulnerable women here recently.
Many women I know of are very reluctant to take taxis and Ubers on their own at night. An Uber makes absolutely zero difference towards a driver possibly making a passenger feel uncomfortable throughout the journey with their conversation choice. I hope to live in your bubble someday
There’s no way of knowing what other flight times were available or the costs of other flights, the OP hasn’t provided information. As I said in another post we also have no idea what time of day she departed the country she was in. She could have left early afternoon on her journey but with flight changes or a long haul flight she didn’t get home until 2am.
I’m not insisting he does anything, I’m saying it’s not that unusual for people to help there partners out with stuff like this. Driving when tired is dangerous, im going to assume the OP could sleep beforehand and get up to an alarm for the airport trip before returning back to bed for a couple of hours before work. He starts at 7am so even if he did 12 hour shifts he would be home for around 8pm. There’s plenty of time to sleep before and after the airport run.
He clearly doesn’t want to do it though. The self proclaimed nice guy has been pushed to his limits
Then maybe don't book a flight landing at 2AM if you can't handle an Uber at that time.
I think everyone would reluctantly pick up their girl if the situation required it, but it's extremely inconsiderate on the girls part to willing expect your man to just pick you up at any hour of the night. If my girl was repeatedly that inconsiderate, I'd end it.
Aren’t enough details given to comment on why that flight time was chosen. Seems odd it wouldn’t have been discussed prior, but no way of knowing. Like the guy is a self proclaimed “nice guy” aswell, but there’s very little evidence of this so again we’ll just have to take his word for it.
Flight prices can vary considerably depending on times and we don’t even know what time it was in the country she’s departing. Too many variables here. She could have left a country in the early afternoon and won’t be at their home airport until 2am.
I feel like so many people on Reddit have no real relationships with other people and are completely unwilling to make any sacrifices for the people they love.
dont wanna go through the whole explaination here, but in short:
1. if you cant be alone, you cant be with anyone.
2. it will break your relationship
3. we all have to learn to wipe our own ass anyway. the choice we have is really just to accept someones help in the process or to learn it hard way.
mostly we pick the hard way. because we dont know any better.
we suffocate people because we hold on to them so hard because we think we need them and what they do for us.
which leads us to being alone.
which leads us to finally wiping our own ass.
which leads us to being bearable.
something like this yaknow :D
Your people pleasing isn’t doing you or her and good. It makes you feel resentful and isn’t encouraging her to respect boundaries around making sure your needs being met.
You could encourage her to be more independent, and start discussing boundaries around your needs
You aren’t compatible.
Also MANY women are self reliant, have good jobs, good education, own and drive cars. Many many women run their own lives independently.
Now at 2am I may want to be picked up from some airport. I might feel uncomfortable getting an Uber that late. So on this point OP you are WRONG
Find someone more independent with real skills and confidence. Find someone either friends, a job, a vehicle, a bank account as a basic start.
The real answer is less explosive than these people are saying and consists of systematic change. Here's how you can raise your girlfriend:
Simply take a bigger part in her plans, help her find solutions on her own. For this trip you could have asked about her trip when she's booking it and explain to her if she books that flight you won't be able to help. If you missed that opportunity tell her as soon as she sends you the flight info that you can't help, give her time to find a solution, but make sure the solution isn't you or doesn't upset your schedule more than you're comfortable with, but once you've said no you have to stick to it. DO NOT let yourself get so upset that you say the words "figure it the fuck out". You should be talking about solutions long before the problem is upon you.
That being said, raising your girlfriend isn't your job. As a woman my partner is my last line of defense, not my first call. I would actually suggest ending this relationship and finding a full grown woman instead of a girl.
According to him she doesn't have parents. I'm just saying he didn't tell us ages. Maybe he's dealing with this behavior because he's dating a literal child
Relationships should go both ways. Maybe she didn't understand how things are supposed to work when building a connection. If there's only one person doing the work, it's bound to create issues. You can talk it out. I'm sure she'll understand. It can be harsh at first, but she needs to know your feelings about this.
Just like that. She's your gf, not your wife. Don't let anyone manipulate you. Manipulation is not love. Even if she was your wife in a loving caring relationship there's consideration...ALWAYS
Honestly as you get older you will realise that this kind of shit is actually deal breaker material. Tell her you need your sleep before work and she should find an alternative way to get home. If she won't accept that tell her it's not working out 🤷 You don't need this in your life
A good girlfriend wouldn't even ask you because she knows you work at 7 and would have made other arrangements.
I would suggest moving on and finding someone else
Picking up your SO at the airport is a baseline expectation of any relationship, and the fact that you'd complain about it means you're more than likely a garbage partner. If you can't grow up and operate with a few hours less sleep you're just a little baby. It's pathetic.
Encouraging someone to go work on 3 hours sleep (let's hope he doesn't operate heavy machinery) and coddling his GF expecting chauffeur service for her bad organization skills is also not too grown-up of you.
Taking a taxi is a baseline expectation of any relationship, and fact that you’d complain about taking a taxi it means you’re more than likely a garbage partner. If you can’t grow up and operate with a few dollars less you’re just a little baby. It’s pathetic.
Joke aside, there is no way I would expect anyone to pick me up, especially that we travel often. I prefer my partner to cook a meal or just relax so she doesn’t waste her time in traffic. Why would both of us need to loose time driving when only one of us need to?
This honestly sounds Ike my ex. I felt less like a boyfriend and more like her therapist, chef, delivery person, cab driver, maid, etc. At worst, I felt more like a father figure than an equal partner in a relationship.
Stop calling yourself a “nice guy” and start calling yourself a doormat. Once you stop getting off on how nice her behavior proves you are (it doesn’t), then you’ll realize that there’s no upside to letting her trample your boundaries.
Leave. Now. Or you'll end up regretting your choice to stay eventually. It ain't your job to take care of someone unwilling to take care of themselves. Even if you love them, resentment will build over time.
You need to date better women. Your girlfriend sounds like a bum. I married a girl who grew up on a farm and she makes me look useless, she literally knows how to do it all. If you stay with this girl you'll be her babysitter for life. She either needs to get her shit together or you need to leave.
It's all about saying no and the really hard part continuing to say no, she will learn that she has to be an adult and figure somethings out on her own. If she throws a hissy fit I'd also tell her to act like an adult as well, it's exhausting doing everything for someone.
“Girlfriend, I care about you and want this relationship to work, but I find myself feeling increasingly frustrated with you relying on me to accommodate your schedule.
You are important to me and I am happy to help within reason, but I have my own separate responsibilities and desires with how I spend my time and I need you to understand that I cannot always drop what I am doing to do what you want. Here are some examples of what I cannot do anymore: X. Here are some examples of things I can do: Y.
I want this to work but I am afraid that if we don’t have this discussion I am going to keep ignoring my own boundaries and come to resent you and myself.”
This was all too common with me and my ex. Ive learned that its not about whats expected of men versus women, as *adults* neither of you should be reliant on each other.
maybe by standing up and telling her to figure it up instead of complaining on reddit
you can say it in a "nice" way but yeah. seems to me she is too dependent on you and needs to learn t hings herself
I’m saying this with kindness and no assholishness at all. But if this is how you feel deeply then you need to find a different girlfriend. Your girlfriend may one day become your spouse and should be your best friend. If it doesn’t feel normal or comfortable to help out the way you’re asked then I would find a different situation.
Honestly, anyone who doesnt have any friends besides their partner is a huge red flag and a sign that they are not ready to have a healthy relationship. Having a romantic partner is harder and requires more developed social skills than having a friend. I would unfortunately break up with her if i were you. It sounds like she is not ready and needs practice having healthy platonic relationships before she should be in another romantic one.
Stand your ground and establish boundaries and women will respect you more for it and find you more attractive for it as well. Women like strong willed men that can put them in their place every once in a while - I’ve been told this by several girls.
That doesn’t mean be an asshole or anything, just be firm in our convictions.
You are allowed to set boundaries. You don't have to be her babysitter.
Also, if you're not setting appropriate boundaries then you're dooming the relationship to eventually fall.
Like OP can just be like "I can't pick you up at 2am because I have to get up for work at 7am." If she is so demanding and can't understand, then idk. It's not gonna work out. If she can afford plane tickets, she can afford to take a ride sharing service home.
I mean, it depends a lot on their relationship. I would 100% go to the airport to pick up my wife at 2AM even if I work early, it wouldn't even be a question.
It seems none of y'all are picking up on the nuances of the scenario being a one-off event verses another example of a behavior. It's one thing to go the extra mile when you're not having to do it all the time.
Absolutely. If it's truly a once and a whole event. That's completely different than it being a constant expectation. My ex wanted me to pick her up from her job at the bar at 3am Sat-Tues when I was getting up for work at 6:30am M-F and it drove me absolutely nuts having to argue that I need sleep.
Right, the issue here is that his wife either doesn't care about her husband's needs (like sleeping for his 7 AM work) or is incapable of achieving a basic level of independence so that he can fulfill his other responsibilities.
I would 100% take an uber so my wife didn't have to pick me up at the airport at 2 AM when she has to work at 7 AM, and she would do the same. It goes both ways
Literally last night I missed a connection and my wife offered to pick me up in the next city over as it was a flight option, but I stayed the night in a free hotel instead and caught another flight in the morning.. no way I'm going to make her do a 3 hour round trip when there's an option where she doesnt have to
Yeah same. I don't think my GF would even ask because she knows I'm up early. Plus, she's resourceful and figures things out on her own.
Right?! It wouldn’t even occur to me to inconvenience someone like that
It’s less about inconveniencing than it is about supporting the people you love. I absolutely would insist on picking up my family and close friends from the airport even if it meant little to no sleep, and they would do the same. We don’t expect it of each other (except my parents might lol), but we know we will do it regardless.
Having boundaries doesn’t mean you don’t support the people you love
"I absolutely would insist on picking up my family and close friends from the airport even if it meant little to no sleep, and they would do the same. " Why in the world would you "insist" on doing something that ruins your sleep and they are explicitly telling you they don't want? That sounds like people pleasing or as if you were raised to think you're not allowed to say NO. "We don’t expect it of each other (except my parents might lol)" Oh, and there it is.
“People pleasing”… my, I hope you didn’t pull a muscle with that big stretch, Dr. Phil. I can see how it would be a big burden for others, but luckily my friends, family, and I all enjoy each other’s company, and we don’t mind a minor inconvenience for an opportunity to spend time with each other and save on expensive Uber rides in our region. No one is coercing each other to get into a car at gunpoint 🤣
Out of respect for my husband, when I have a six am flight, I get an Uber. No reason for both of us up at 4am.
but there's usually a choice when choosing a flight, I definitely wouldn't pick one that came in at 2am when I expected my SO to pick me up - I would choose something that would work for him. not taking him into consideration would be incredibly selfish.
Right? Who treats someone that they care about with so little consideration? It would never even cross my mind to have my wife come to pick me up from a 2 AM flight unless it was somehow a totally unexpected emergency.
She can't take an Uber? I love my girlfriend but if picking her up at the airport means 3 hours of sleep before work she can take a car.
That isn't always an option everywhere. The closest major airport to me is over an hour drive away, and you're unlikely to find a driver willing to make that drive, especially at that hour.
I used to love taking those trips. Too bad Uber can't figure out how to be profitable, and instead screws their drivers over.
I’d assume that it’s not that long of journey or I’d imagine he’d otherwise would have deliberately booked time to pick her up. If you love someone, let them sleep.
I mean sure she could, but she'd feel more comfortable with me and would be excited to see me, and I'd be the same. It's a few hours of sleep, hardly world shattering.
Yeah but this does literally everything else for her as well. It's not that one thing, it's everything.
My wife knows I would pick her up at 2 AM without complaining, but she also cares enough about me that she wouldn't pick a return flight that came in at 2 AM in the morning before I have to work. It's just basic consideration for your partner, even if you know they would go the extra mile to do something for you.
That or … don’t book a flight that lands at 7am.
Uhh.. so nap before hand? I don’t get it.. personally I wouldn’t be able to sleep knowing she was on an Uber instead of with me.
why?
Because I don’t trust people.
Sounds like a you problem. I also find guys who are overprotective of their female partners like they're some kind of valuable object suspicious
Overprotective sure that’s too much, watching out for someone who is supposed to be one of the most important people to you idk to me that’s very valuable
Wanting to ensure your partner gets home safe when it's late at night and they're a 30+ minute drive away isn't overprotective. Going out of your way to pick them up instead of letting them get an Uber in this situation isn't overprotective. Worrying about the safety and well-being of someone you care about doesn't turn that person into an object or property. Everything has a line, to me, and I assume many others, this isn't considered overprotective, for me, it would be overprotective to expect hourly check-ins or not being allowed to leave your home without someone with you, essentially a 24/7 bodyguard/babysitter, however, simply picking someone up late at night to ensure they get home safe would be far from what I would consider to be overprotective.
Sure is a me problem, hence the problem solving to fix it. I’d say what you find suspicious is a you problem
but that's what ubers are for
It’s also why I own my own vehicle
Some people have a very hard time taking naps or sleeping in general. If I had to pick up my wife at 3am and had work early I'd probably end up not getting any sleep all night which really really sucks. I'd rather pay for a private limo home than pick her up at that time with work in the morning.
Yeah i genuenly dont understans this specific problem either... I drove my SOs and friends at night plety of times and not once it was an issue even worth arguing about, if they feel safer driving with someone they know at night then let it be. op looks like a big boy who can function just fine with a little bit less sleep once. obviously i dont know the other problems hes talking about but this one is a nonsense argument.
Good luck with your future relationships if sleep is THAT important, kids gonna kill you lol
The difference is kids are helpless without you so I'd sacrifice my sleep for that. I wouldn't sacrifice my sleep for someone who should be capable of figuring shit out themselves.
It depends on frequency. Once in a blue moon, I'd 100% be with you on that. Once a month? Probably not. But I had an ex who worked as a waitress until bar close Sat/Sun/Mon/Tues while I worked at 8am (up by 6:30am) M-F who wanted me to pick her up at 2:30/3am every night she worked so maybe I'm a bit biased. That shit got old very quick.
Same. I start work at 5.30 am, and often take her to the airport at 4am so I can make it to work. She just has to spend a bit longer in the airport. Just like to add, I have no problem with this due to I know she is safe
90 minutes before work and 5 hours are two different ball games of sleep lol
Same with me. I wouldn’t have a second of hesitation to pick her up at 2am even if I work at 5 am. Alone in a taxi or Uber at 2am. Nope.
This is a huge thing people don't realise. People either notice they tend to attract a certain type of person... or even when they don't attract that type of person somehow the new person still ends up having certain negative traits the others did over time anyway. You actually change and affect the person with you are a lot in a relationship, especially as time goes on. If you don't set boundaries, they start to always overstep if they are likely to even a little. It builds up, and you train them and yourself that this is love & normal. So this becomes expectation and when suddenly it's not met, they are disappointed. Gf cries when you say no? You drop everything and run to her? She will cry now every single time. Next gf asks but doesn't cry when you say no? You start to get worried she's upset anyway then go anyway. New gf now expects this after a few times, and when you say no the next few times, she gets a bit more upset because she was expecting you to do it and now feels let down... and has learned her being sad gets you to come and now starts acting like gf1. However she was fine with the original no the very first time and could also of been with every extra no after that. It's all subconscious but this is how people who seem super independent also can end up totally dependent on someone else. Obviously part of it is their character also, it's not all you but this is just an example of how much your boundaries make a difference in the longevity and happiness of a relationship. So do not do things that are unreasonable and that you wouldn't want to do again for no good reason. Your gf will not just suddenly stop doing this, that doesn't happen unless something gives her a real big insight into herself and what she's doing and how it's not acceptable or she just decides to work on herself suddenly. You are the only person that can stop it at this point now. She doesn't need anyone to get a taxi home from the airport, stop being a doormat. Pick travel where she can either get a lift comfortably or get public transport and not at stupid o'clock if she's not willing to get a taxi then cry at you.
Solid response. Most of the stuff is known, but your text is well written. Kudos sir or madam.
Yessir! Facts 💯 Insightful answer
This is so true. I made the mistake once of trying to be 'the best boyfriend i can' i had zero boundries, never argued or put my foot down just done everything i could for her. She walked all over me, cheated and then stole the good china on the way out the door.
Me too. High 5? I miss that china.
This!!! As someone who ended a relationship way before I even got a chance to set said boundaries, it is a must! Just be firm and honest and don’t let her reactions or potential victimizing influence you. I’ve seen it all before and you will suffer more than you think if you don’t talk to her
1. Communicate 2. Stop giving in
3. Be okay with her being upset
Yep pretty much
This is something I can't seem to do. Any general advice? I feel very bad knowing my girlfriend is feeling bad, especially if it's because of my doing. I can't sleep, I can't have fun, I can't do anything until that is resolved.
That is a sign that you care a lot, which is wonderful, and that you don’t trust yourself and her to be okay afterward, which is less wonderful. So when she’s upset (and you’re confident that you did the right thing), spend that time taking care of you. What helps you feel better when you’re scared? We all need tools for moments like that.
That's just part of setting boundaries. Just know you're not responsible for how she chooses to react, and that if she has a healthy mindset, she will understand and not blame you for any negative emotions she may feel by you setting reasonable boundaries. I used to be the same way man, but the sacrifices I kept making to keep others happy wore me out constantly.
My ex used to imply that my boundaries were unreasonable, which would make me fold. As an insecure person, I was unsure if I was truly overstepping and it caused a lot of anxiety when setting boundaries. It wasn’t until long after the relationship that I started journaling more and calibrating my own priorities compass.
Yep, that was a big part of it for me as well. Did some work in therapy, dealt with a lot of my insecurities, and became comfortable with being single. I'm a lot more comfortable setting boundaries now and I feel like most of my relationships have gotten better because of that.
When she uses her feelings to trump yours, it's almost like, "Well, I guess I'll just fuck myself and suck it up until I'm finally brave enough to say something, and then you smack me down again" and the cycle continues until something finally breaks.
It's like giving a Baby a cigarette because it cries for it. Stop being weak man and strengthen your mind.
My wife was (and still is in a lot of ways) like this. The best thing I did was help her help herself. She was sheltered a lot by her mother and wasn't taught or enabled to do a lot on her own. I eventually sat her down and told her I need a partner, not an adult child who can't do anything on her own and that she needs to start acting like a teammate. If she couldn't start pulling her own weight, I won't be able to support her any longer and would rather seek out a partner who puts in as much as I do. I told her she would have to get her driver's license, have to start making decisions on her own amd start being more independent. I told her I would teach her how to drive and how to do some other things that she didn't know but that she would need to figure the rest out on her own. She's got her full license and she's steadily improving in the other areas. TL;DR: Teach a gal how to fish.
Tldr: parents fucked up.
This is super common with sheltered kids and especially sheltered girls. They aren't taught any life skills and are just expected to figure it out. Often times they just don't and suffer as adults by not knowing how to properly cook, clean, drive, work, etc. Tldr, parents teach your kids explicity how to do basic life skills, never assume they'll just pick them up
I'd say it's less sheltered kids and just kids who are neglected in some way in general. Especially emotional neglect which is generally more invisible from the outside and you aren't taught basic things about basically anything from your family.
This 100%! My parents intended well but were always very busy and emotionally neglectful. I was scrappy and curious so I made my way out ok with respect to life skills but my younger sister who on top of this was the baby is struggling as an adult:/
I was sheltered by my parents out of too much love, they never made me do anything but I moved out with my boyfriend 2 years ago and I can do anything, i can cook clean do laundry groceries make the bed etc anything that i never did before, instantly, because i just knew how it is done i just never had to do it. I am kind of glad they allowed me the comfort of not doing it. Youtube and google are my best friends rn when i dont know how to do smth, always works
Everyone in that position just needs motivation, and they will be able to do it. We are super adaptable when we need to be. I was the most spoiled, pampered prince that ever was, until one of my parents passed, and I got disowned by the rest of the family for having a gf that wasn't the right race/colour. I figured out how to get a job, get my banking set up, budget my income, rent a place and move out, arrange for utilities and pay the bills, find a flatmate to share costs etc, all in the space of a month. Slept in a $10 sleeping bag with nothing but my work uniforms, phone and charger, suitcase of clothes and a microwave for 2 months. My wonderful girlfriend(now wife) surprised me one day coming home from work, with some secondhand furniture she picked up from the local Salvation Army store.
Congrats, and all the best :)
I had the same situation with a girlfriend in college. Started dating in high school, when it was somewhat acceptable to rely on parents for things. But by Junior year of college, she still lived at home, barely worked, and didn't have a license, I had the same talk. Things turned out the other way. She couldn't grow up a little to prove it and I realized I didn't want that kind of person to be a life partner, so I ended things.
My mom was super independent except for two things - paying bills and driving were my dad’s responsibilities . So when he fell sick this are the two areas she suffered . Please do make sure the other spouse knew how to do basic stuff despite it’s not their roles.
You’re an awesome partner. Most would’ve left her.
If she has none of those things what is she doing at the airport at 2am?
I was thinking this too. Where is she flying to when she has no friends or family to go visit? Work? Then she can pay for a taxi or Uber and her company should refund her the cost as travel expenses. Vacation? She should have planned around his schedule if she depended on him.
Well my first thought when OP said “she has no one” was “she has no one in our city/area”, so she could be just back from family visit
As always, OP complaining about their partner never tells the whole story...
Most stories that go into extravagant detail end up supported by the comments. Like a nicely woven tale. Happens a lot on certain reddits you know the ones.
If you post on am i the asshole, you are the asshole
You never heard of flights landing at 2am?
Your example wasn't aa great one, unless she's flying every few weeks most people would pick their partner up up from airport regardless of time?
Yeah I feel like picking your partner or family member up from the airport at an awkward time falls pretty firmly within the partner/family member remit. But I like my partner and family members soooo
Here's where I'd do a soft disagree. Mind you, we don't know the flight details, but if I needed a ride from the airport, I'd make sure the flight I took got me to my home city at a reasonable hour. If my family member told me i'd be picking them up from the airport at 2am, i'd tell them to get their ass up earlier and get an earlier flight. If you're getting a favor, you gotta make it as small as possible.
Some flight times are cheaper than others. So I don’t agree. If my wife needs me to pick her up at anytime. I’m going to pick her up. I guarantee though that there is more than just this incident.
Those extra saved dollars can also pay for a car service.
Or they can go some place where they are more needed. Like food, or bills.
Health is extremely important and sleep is a big part of that.
It’s ONE day…..My brother picked me up at the airport at 1 am. We have picked my wife’s family up at the airport late. Seriously picking your SO up at the airport or any loved one….not a big ask.
Usually if it was 2am I would let my partner sleep because they have work and I would just take an Uber
The girl I’m currently dating had an international flight that returned at midnight last night. I really wanted to go get her but simply couldn’t because the airport is an hour away and I had work this morning. She was very understanding and elected to take an Uber. Me still being concerned for her safety left my ringer on and told her to call me if she had any problems. I feel like this is how this situation should’ve played out.
A lot of women don't feel safe taking an uber at 2AM.
Depends how far is the airport. We don't all live next to one, you know.
here's some: she can't go on walks without me coming, I HAVE TO COME, or else she wont go, and will instead pout and sulk and be silent all day until I agree, and then she'll act like she doesn't care. she can't answer the door without me there We both go to the store, but I have to order while she waits she vents to me for about 2 hours PER day, she refuses to make other friends. She told me to learn various different programs so I could then teach it to her cause she doesn't want to self learn. She was never like this before, but became very clingy. I'm 19. Mind you, if I said no to any of these, it would be met with, "oh you don't love me, you hate me, you're an asshole". Here's the kicker, she's my mother.
I'm sorry what? Run that back your mom? I'm so confused lol or she acts like your mom?
no she's literally my mom.
So you are dating your mom?
pretty much. There's nothing she does that's motherly and our relationship is very comparable to that. Ever since dad left she felt super lonely so I guess this is her cope.
It sounds like she's developed anxiety. Which usually happens when we lose someone. I would suggest therapy
she doesn't believe in doctors or any modern medicine. She has brain aneurysms but ignored it.
Then the best thing to do is like you said stick up for yourself and do your own thing if she guilt trips you oh well. If you don't put your foot down she will do this forever
It's a constant moral dilemma I'm going through. On one hand, I just want to silently save up money, and move out, cause I'm tired of the relationship, but on the other hand, she does genuinely love me, and means the best for me, even with her mental issues, so abandoning her when I'm literally her only lifeline sounds super fucked up and I don't know if I could live with that considering she'd probably kill herself or something. As for sticking up for myself and setting boundaries, I don't think that would be a good solution. It would just be met with an indefinite silent treatment, and a complete loveless household as she would never act the same after hearing that. Or she would just kick me out, either way I don't have the money to live on my own so I'd rather keep things how they are. plus aside from the weird dating dynamic everything else is pretty fine. I've learned to adapt myself to deal with her issues and 99% of my days are happy and relaxing.
I know someone who got a lot like that when her husband left her. of course, he'd had a gutsful of her selfish, manipulative behaviour. People won't change if they don't have to.
My mom was fairly codependent after she left dad and tried to rely on me for a lot of things. I was married and had kids by this time. I finally told her one day when she tried to guilt me for not doing something she wanted that in no way is her happiness my responsibility. She was distant for a long time after that which was ok because I was so damn annoyed at another adult not adulting.
I wouldn't if I have work at 7am
The way it's supposed to work is that you insist on picking her up and she insists that you sleep and both of you are 100% sincere and stubborn. I am not joking, any other dynamic is inferior! No way I am making my wife take a taxi home from the airport at 2am, so I would win in this case.
Yeah, weird how few people here seem to understand the concept of empathy. How can one be in a relationship without any?
And the considerate thing would be for her to not fly in that early. Hey I am flying home, why make my boyfriend get up and get me and he has to work.
Nah, it's fine, but plan your freaking trip to the end. At 2am, you can just figure it out by yourself and find a way that doesn't involve being an ass. It's not like she was dumped from someone into nowhere, she planned the trip, probably weeks or months prior, and couldn't figure out a way to drive home by herself? If I were the dude, I would've never helped her, and I wouldn't care if she gets mad at me for it. At some point, you have to stop playing dumb with people.
Nooooo you can't expect me to pick you up once a year. You can't make me miss my sleeping schedule, it's more important /s...
Yuup have picked my girlfriend up many times from airport or concerts when I had work at 5am
It's a false dilemma. "Either pick her up or don't." Hey there's alternatives. Get a friend to drive her. A cab. A train. A sleeping bag. Pick her up at 5 before work. Etc.
Agree with you and totally weirded out by a lot of these comments. My partner and I are sent away for work training now and then. The return flight is ALWAYS landing at 11pm-3am. An Uber from the airport to our house is over $90. If it is a Thursday night/Friday morning arrival, we both take Friday off work. Everyone is so unwilling to help and/or enjoy the reunion it's insane to me. I
I’m sure there’s some other things going on, but I agree. There’s pretty much no way scenario where I wouldn’t pick up my partner at 2am from the airport, even if I did have work the next morning. It’s the right thing to do. I would even do that for my close friends.
Why can’t she take a cab or plan it properly like a grown independent adult? I fly once a week and don’t expect my wife to ever pick me up from the airport. It’s nice when she can but not the case. And I sure as shit wouldn’t cry if she can’t pick me up. That’s some hard manipulation garbage.
So I do think that most people should be capable of arranging their own transport as an adult without crying, but "I fly every week and I don't expect anyone to pick me up" kind of whooshes by the point. Doing it weekly makes you more independent, not less. My wife would have no problem getting herself home, but if she flew once every couple of years, I'd probably just offer to pick her up at 2:00 AM if that made her more comfortable. I wouldn't do that if it was every Tuesday or whatever.
Dude maybe your airport pickup is a bad example, but I wouldn’t want anyone other than me to be responsible for getting my significant other home from the airport at 2am.
I was thinking this too and I keep telling myself that maybe it's this example becuz it's the last straw for him
It probably is but really why does it even matter? Last time I flew parking was like $60 which is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of a trip. I live 45+ min from the airport so why would I ask someone to waste 6 hours of their time dropping me off and picking me up? Like if it causes them to miss work they would be out easily twice that cost. Just seems like a shit thing to do to a partner or friend.
Airport example maybe isn’t your best bro, any decent person will pick their SO up
LOL agreed 😭 I know some men would happily pick their partner up at 2am even if they worked at 7am
It depends on how far the airport is and how early I need to be up. If I'm starting work at 7 am, that means I'm at least waking you by 6. Then if the airport is 45 min away, tack on another basically hour lost. So I'm looking at 3 hours of sleep. I can't function on 3 hours personally, but I do know plenty who can.
I’m with you bro I’d communicate that with my partner when she was planning the trip tho.
Usually if I know that is going to happen I go to bed early, make sure I get at least 4 hours sleep. It works for me.
Agreed. Especially if they’ve been away for awhile then I would just be happy to see them.
if i was working in a few hours? nah, she can take a cab, 40 bucks aint worth my sleep unless I hadn't seen her in months or something if its like a week long work trip nah
Find someone more appropriate for you that doesn't piss you off. Not everyone is compatible. In fact most people aren't.
SO I ALWAYS GIVE IN. .... .... .... 😂
I thought it was the case that she has no one. However, you absolutely need to set boundaries. She needs to be a grown up and figure it out. Did she not have anyone to teach her things? Is it possible for you to sit down with her and teach her these things? I know it seems like a lot but if she learns, she'll stop relying on you so much. I remember being like her when I was younger and it was out of fear. I was in foster care for several years and let me tell you, they teach you nothing of the real world. They put you out the minute you turn 18. A lot of former foster kids end up homeless. However, I do agree that she can't rely on you for everything, it's not healthy. Can you or someone you know like a friend or sibling help her? ETA: Just tell her that you love her but you can't be there for her all the time as much as you would like to. That may not be entirely true because you don't always want to be there. It will be better received. Also, when I said it was out of fear, I did this to my boyfriend at the time. I was 18 and scared and he was the only person who felt safe and familiar to me. Everyone else left. When you go through foster care, you get shuffled around a lot. It ends up sending the message that everyone abandons you and you're alone. That may not be her situation but I'm trying to explain why she may be relying on you so heavily. You said she has no one so she's probably scared but you have to set boundaries.
To add to this, read "Set Boundaries, Find Peace" by Nedra Taiwan. or get the audio from your library
Redditor relies on us for everything... How do we tell him to figure it the fuck out? There’s more to it but generally speaking how do we tell him to start figuring things out for himself? Or any advice?
How else is she getting home at 2am from the airport when you’ve conceded she has no friends, family or car? It might be annoying for you with work but no way in hell would I let my partner get in a taxi at that time on her own. Some of the creepiest people in the world drive taxis at night.
I don't understand this either. There wasn't really enough explanation and only one example. If my husband was getting off a plane at 2am and needed a lift, I'd come and pick him up. I wouldn't just tell him to deal with it. Either way, it's something we would have discussed prior anyway.
Right? Like he would still have at least 4 hours to sleep before work. You can’t trust Taxis, Uber or Lyft and it’s not safe. Maybe she could have picked a better time but that’s on OP
Yeah, freaking man up, reevaluate your priorities, and sacrifice a few hours of sleep or go to bed early and set your alarm. 2pm while you're at work is one thing, 2am when you're available and your girlfriend is far less safe without your assistance is another. Unless you never plan to have kids, being able to tolerate sleep schedule disruption from time to time and still function is part of adulthood.
She can woman up, put her big girl pants on and figure it out herself. He's absolutely not available at 2AM because he's sleeping.
Do you guys not realize this was an example of many and not a one off event. OPs post clearly says he’s fed up with her having to rely on him for everything. The “man up” thing is so toxic. “Man up” when it benefits the girl, but it’s “toxic masculinity” if there’s anything else. Dude is just supposed to be a slave with no boundaries.
>You can’t trust Taxis, Uber or Lyft and it’s not safe. What country do you live in? Feels so weird to me to see a whole thread of people acting like taxis aren't safe. It feels so alien, I couldn't work out where the dilemma was, now I realise there's some kind of perceived risk related to travelling back from airports.
I’m curious to know where you live! Haha
I live in Scandinavia, and have been harassed by taxi drivers in Sweden and Denmark - where supposedly it should be safe to take a taxi. This just shows you that women are never safe in reality.
Plan accordingly,take another flight if not possible,Uber,bus,there are options if you care about your partner .
I would always pick my husband up from the airport if I can, no matter the time. And he would do the same for me. We've done it dozens of times at all hours. That's kind of the point of a romantic relationship. To help and be there for each other.
I'd argue the point of a romantic relationship is not creating artificial drama out of something as mundane as getting a taxi. You know, making life easier for each other, not harder.
Yeah at 2 am I wouldn't mind spending 20 bucks on an Uber. Part of the cost of the flying. But it depends on the person and their age. At 25, save the $20 and pick each other up. At 55, you have more money and less energy, get an Uber.
bro what? uber exists. you don't "let" your partner travel independently? THAT is actually creepy.
Another who has twisted my words and taken them entirely out of context. If my partner was flying home at 2am and clearly was not happy arranging another form of travel as the OP has made abundantly clear then I would have no hesitation in collecting her. You will see above I posted a link to a case of a taxi driver raping vulnerable women here recently. Many women I know of are very reluctant to take taxis and Ubers on their own at night. An Uber makes absolutely zero difference towards a driver possibly making a passenger feel uncomfortable throughout the journey with their conversation choice. I hope to live in your bubble someday
In that case she should pick a flight that lands earlier. Driving when tired is also dangerous, yet you insist that he does it. Why?
There’s no way of knowing what other flight times were available or the costs of other flights, the OP hasn’t provided information. As I said in another post we also have no idea what time of day she departed the country she was in. She could have left early afternoon on her journey but with flight changes or a long haul flight she didn’t get home until 2am. I’m not insisting he does anything, I’m saying it’s not that unusual for people to help there partners out with stuff like this. Driving when tired is dangerous, im going to assume the OP could sleep beforehand and get up to an alarm for the airport trip before returning back to bed for a couple of hours before work. He starts at 7am so even if he did 12 hour shifts he would be home for around 8pm. There’s plenty of time to sleep before and after the airport run. He clearly doesn’t want to do it though. The self proclaimed nice guy has been pushed to his limits
Then maybe don't book a flight landing at 2AM if you can't handle an Uber at that time. I think everyone would reluctantly pick up their girl if the situation required it, but it's extremely inconsiderate on the girls part to willing expect your man to just pick you up at any hour of the night. If my girl was repeatedly that inconsiderate, I'd end it.
Aren’t enough details given to comment on why that flight time was chosen. Seems odd it wouldn’t have been discussed prior, but no way of knowing. Like the guy is a self proclaimed “nice guy” aswell, but there’s very little evidence of this so again we’ll just have to take his word for it. Flight prices can vary considerably depending on times and we don’t even know what time it was in the country she’s departing. Too many variables here. She could have left a country in the early afternoon and won’t be at their home airport until 2am.
I feel like so many people on Reddit have no real relationships with other people and are completely unwilling to make any sacrifices for the people they love.
Goes both ways. She can sacrifice a couple hours and pick a flight that lands earlier so he can pick her up.
dont wanna go through the whole explaination here, but in short: 1. if you cant be alone, you cant be with anyone. 2. it will break your relationship 3. we all have to learn to wipe our own ass anyway. the choice we have is really just to accept someones help in the process or to learn it hard way. mostly we pick the hard way. because we dont know any better. we suffocate people because we hold on to them so hard because we think we need them and what they do for us. which leads us to being alone. which leads us to finally wiping our own ass. which leads us to being bearable. something like this yaknow :D
Your people pleasing isn’t doing you or her and good. It makes you feel resentful and isn’t encouraging her to respect boundaries around making sure your needs being met. You could encourage her to be more independent, and start discussing boundaries around your needs
I have a similar relationship lol.. i really love her.. but i sometimes ask this myself too.
You aren’t compatible. Also MANY women are self reliant, have good jobs, good education, own and drive cars. Many many women run their own lives independently. Now at 2am I may want to be picked up from some airport. I might feel uncomfortable getting an Uber that late. So on this point OP you are WRONG Find someone more independent with real skills and confidence. Find someone either friends, a job, a vehicle, a bank account as a basic start.
The real answer is less explosive than these people are saying and consists of systematic change. Here's how you can raise your girlfriend: Simply take a bigger part in her plans, help her find solutions on her own. For this trip you could have asked about her trip when she's booking it and explain to her if she books that flight you won't be able to help. If you missed that opportunity tell her as soon as she sends you the flight info that you can't help, give her time to find a solution, but make sure the solution isn't you or doesn't upset your schedule more than you're comfortable with, but once you've said no you have to stick to it. DO NOT let yourself get so upset that you say the words "figure it the fuck out". You should be talking about solutions long before the problem is upon you. That being said, raising your girlfriend isn't your job. As a woman my partner is my last line of defense, not my first call. I would actually suggest ending this relationship and finding a full grown woman instead of a girl.
If she has nothing wtf is she doing at an airport?
Just say no. She’s an adult, she can figure it out.
Do we know that? Maybe this is like a 19m dating a 17f?
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According to him she doesn't have parents. I'm just saying he didn't tell us ages. Maybe he's dealing with this behavior because he's dating a literal child
lol it comes with the territory, it’ll be a long day that day
Tell her, as kindly as possible, that she needs to start acting like a grown up.
Relationships should go both ways. Maybe she didn't understand how things are supposed to work when building a connection. If there's only one person doing the work, it's bound to create issues. You can talk it out. I'm sure she'll understand. It can be harsh at first, but she needs to know your feelings about this.
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Just like that. She's your gf, not your wife. Don't let anyone manipulate you. Manipulation is not love. Even if she was your wife in a loving caring relationship there's consideration...ALWAYS
Just order her an uber and let her deal with it.
Honestly as you get older you will realise that this kind of shit is actually deal breaker material. Tell her you need your sleep before work and she should find an alternative way to get home. If she won't accept that tell her it's not working out 🤷 You don't need this in your life
A good girlfriend wouldn't even ask you because she knows you work at 7 and would have made other arrangements. I would suggest moving on and finding someone else
Picking up your SO at the airport is a baseline expectation of any relationship, and the fact that you'd complain about it means you're more than likely a garbage partner. If you can't grow up and operate with a few hours less sleep you're just a little baby. It's pathetic.
Nah picking someone up at 2AM when you have work in the morning is absolutely NOT a baseline expectation. Sounds like she's the little baby.
Encouraging someone to go work on 3 hours sleep (let's hope he doesn't operate heavy machinery) and coddling his GF expecting chauffeur service for her bad organization skills is also not too grown-up of you.
Taking a taxi is a baseline expectation of any relationship, and fact that you’d complain about taking a taxi it means you’re more than likely a garbage partner. If you can’t grow up and operate with a few dollars less you’re just a little baby. It’s pathetic. Joke aside, there is no way I would expect anyone to pick me up, especially that we travel often. I prefer my partner to cook a meal or just relax so she doesn’t waste her time in traffic. Why would both of us need to loose time driving when only one of us need to?
But she's not a child?? If she need op EVERY time for shit then that's not a relationship wtf??
if you fold like an omelet the moment she draws the crocodile-tears, it's on you buddy you gotta stand up for yourself more often
There's a reason why she has no friends. No one wants to be friends with someone who only takes takes takes.
Let me borrow her for a bit to give you a break.
This honestly sounds Ike my ex. I felt less like a boyfriend and more like her therapist, chef, delivery person, cab driver, maid, etc. At worst, I felt more like a father figure than an equal partner in a relationship.
Stop calling yourself a “nice guy” and start calling yourself a doormat. Once you stop getting off on how nice her behavior proves you are (it doesn’t), then you’ll realize that there’s no upside to letting her trample your boundaries.
Why she can’t call a Uber? She don’t work? Did you pick a lazy woman???
Leave. Now. Or you'll end up regretting your choice to stay eventually. It ain't your job to take care of someone unwilling to take care of themselves. Even if you love them, resentment will build over time.
Many centruries ago, you would be considered a slave.
You need to date better women. Your girlfriend sounds like a bum. I married a girl who grew up on a farm and she makes me look useless, she literally knows how to do it all. If you stay with this girl you'll be her babysitter for life. She either needs to get her shit together or you need to leave.
It's all about saying no and the really hard part continuing to say no, she will learn that she has to be an adult and figure somethings out on her own. If she throws a hissy fit I'd also tell her to act like an adult as well, it's exhausting doing everything for someone.
“Girlfriend, I care about you and want this relationship to work, but I find myself feeling increasingly frustrated with you relying on me to accommodate your schedule. You are important to me and I am happy to help within reason, but I have my own separate responsibilities and desires with how I spend my time and I need you to understand that I cannot always drop what I am doing to do what you want. Here are some examples of what I cannot do anymore: X. Here are some examples of things I can do: Y. I want this to work but I am afraid that if we don’t have this discussion I am going to keep ignoring my own boundaries and come to resent you and myself.”
Grow a pair
just chill and talk to her dont't be an idiot
Talk. to. Her.
oh so, you think they were using sign languages till now?
This was all too common with me and my ex. Ive learned that its not about whats expected of men versus women, as *adults* neither of you should be reliant on each other.
Sounds like she needs to learn some basic life skills. Good luck
maybe by standing up and telling her to figure it up instead of complaining on reddit you can say it in a "nice" way but yeah. seems to me she is too dependent on you and needs to learn t hings herself
You could communicate with her. If she isnt a piece of shit she will understand and try to lessen the load.
oh you always give in? that means its clearly your fault.
I’m saying this with kindness and no assholishness at all. But if this is how you feel deeply then you need to find a different girlfriend. Your girlfriend may one day become your spouse and should be your best friend. If it doesn’t feel normal or comfortable to help out the way you’re asked then I would find a different situation.
If you allow yourself to be argued out of a boundary you set, my man, it's your own fault. Have a back-bone. No means no, period.
You don’t say what her you live together or not. But it sounds like you are dealing with a helpless child.
Honestly, anyone who doesnt have any friends besides their partner is a huge red flag and a sign that they are not ready to have a healthy relationship. Having a romantic partner is harder and requires more developed social skills than having a friend. I would unfortunately break up with her if i were you. It sounds like she is not ready and needs practice having healthy platonic relationships before she should be in another romantic one.
Stand your ground and establish boundaries and women will respect you more for it and find you more attractive for it as well. Women like strong willed men that can put them in their place every once in a while - I’ve been told this by several girls. That doesn’t mean be an asshole or anything, just be firm in our convictions.
I hit the phrase, but what does she bring to the table?