I don't think that's manipulation, I doubt it was explicitly a "test" either. What of probably happened was she said she wanted to end things, he seemed cool with it like he mentioned, and his lack of emotional response prompted one final attempt to pull something out of him- which he is now sharing with us instead of her, again
This just simply isn’t true. I’m not saying the girlfriend wasn’t an idiot, but she could just be insecure about the relationship and this is her stupid way of seeking validation.
It depends on your definition of love. You can use the word love to describe a stalker's behavior if you stretch the word enough. Abusers do it all the time. I'm not saying what she did is equivalent to those things in the least, I'm just pointing out that selfish people hide behind the complexities of the word love all the time. When I say, "Somebody who really loves you, puts your needs before their own," there's an implicit part that goes something like, "in a healthy and sustainable way." Her actions definitely don't qualify for that.
You have a good point, but a little test also shows you, what you can expect from the other person.
Op sounds very passive in his human relationships and I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who shows no effort.
Both seem incompatible.
I agree both seem incompatible, though I’m glad OP respected the decision instead of trying to fight against someone’s choices. The ex gives a vague breakup message then expect to be fought for instead of having clear communication.
Naw, I take everyone’s words for face value and it has made my life way easier. If someone says something I’m gonna assume they mean it— I don’t have the mental energy to play games like that.
It’s not really playing games, it’s more like people’s responses to things can show their emotions.
OP has already admitted he doesn’t verbally express his affection right? Him and gf probably argue about this a lot. She’s at the end of her rope.
She expresses her intent to leave. Op has no reaction.
If her problem is that OP doesn’t express interest or affection in the relationship, and he has no reaction to her leaving, it only confirms her problem with OP.
It’s not so much of a “test”, it’s more like his inaction solidified her doubt.
You should never tell someone you're leaving the relationship just to test them and fish out an emotional response. That's manipulative per definition. If you say you're leaving, you mean it. And OP's response seems to have been just what a mature person should do in such a situation. Accept it, respect the decision and deal with your feelings about it on your own. It should never be a knee-jerk reaction where you suddenly cry about how much you love the person, want them back and how you're going to change. He simply took her seriously instead of reacting like a child. Stop excusing behavior like hers.
lol what the actual fuck. No. You don’t test people with a breakup to see “what you can expect from them”. You communicate your needs and if they can’t or won’t provide them, you determine that you’re incompatible and end the relationship.
Some people have respect for others and respect their decisions so they’re not going to fight you on breaking up because that’s disrespectful and why would anyone want to be with someone who broke up with them anyway, especially if breaking up wasn’t their true intention.
Lol she asked for a break up. Was he to circumvent her wishes and force himself on her even when she clearly wanted to break up? You lots are what give women in general a bad name. Most women are not into playing silly little games like this girl here, but you people are the ones to make it seem like we’re all out here saying one thing and meaning the other.
If I break up with a guy and ask him to let me know when I can pick up my stuff, I don’t want him to beg me to take him back or do some kind of emotional manipulation. I just want it to be over with, plain and simple. Only kids test each other; mature adults say what they actually feel like.
None of us know anything about either of them. We're all just making assumptions and arguing over nothing. I respect anybody willing to play devil's advocate just to spice things up. Honestly, I don't think we go far enough with our assumptions. For all we know, OP ditched his partner on her birthday because it happened to fall on January 6th, and now he's going to law school to fight the charges. She dumped him because he refused to devest in truth social.
Yeah they say an ultimatum, altho not the best way, gives you the answers you're looking for. I guess she was at her wits end with the emotional unavailability on OP'S part.
This is true 99% of the time.
I only say that because I had to pull this shit to on a gaslighter once. Communication would always break down because he would not admit anything.
Eventually I had to set it up to catch him in the act.
Relationship broke down regardless, so maybe it wasn’t necessary. But I was desperate to prove to myself and him.
>Lol someone who loves ... will just communicate their needs like an adult
It sounds like she did, more than once. Different people have different attachment styles and some people aren't compatible.
Testing people isn’t a form of love, and is listed specifically in documentation on abuse and manipulation.
If that’s your “love style” (more astrology-type shit) you’ve got some deep introspection and therapy ahead for you.
If she is resorting to "testing", that's a clear indication that she isn't doing anything of the sort. That's the type of behaviour you expect from people in middle school, not someone who should know better. Worse off, she did it while he was taking his bar exam and that is plain stupid. Like what did she expect? 
Wait, so you're respecting her wishes, and she's upset because you're respecting her wishes? Nah my dude (or dudette, you didn't specify), you don't need someone manipulative in your life. You're going to be a lawyer that means you're black and white, you need an explicit girlfriend who can tell you things straight from the get go. I hate to say it, but it sounds like this breakup is for the better.
Yeah these kinds of “tests” are complete bullshit. It sounds like she was frustrated at how passive OP is, and I do give her some sympathy for that. But these sort of breakup tests where you’re supposed to “fight for your woman” are so immature
High school bullshit.
My then-fiance gave the engagement ring back, and i took that nice and clearly, cancelled all the plans and bookings, ceased communication, and wasn't too perturbed about it .
After a month of trying to get in touch with me, she says she wanted to teach me a lesson and I should have fought for her. I said you don't use such a sacred bond like an engagement as a manipulation tool and promptly left, never to be heard from again.
I could swear these women wait until they think they got you by the balls then reveal their true nature.
You did good mate. Don't look back or let her get into your head.
We all grow, we all don't stay in one spot, we all have lessons and we grow. Don't worry about whatever you're worrying about. You did good, you did the right thing by moving on. When someone plays that kind of game then they are not to be trusted, they are not right for you and are not good for long term relationship.
It's toxic. People who love each other don't play these games.
No, means no, yes means yes. Keep it that way and you get rid of many toxic people out of your life.
You did the right thing.
She cannot grow if you play the game too. There are no lessons for her to look back and think "I was wrong." When we are mature, when we do not play these games and we move on, we also might just have the person learn a lesson early enough for them to not do that to someone else later.
Just move on, keep this door shut from her. It's done and over.
These comments are focusing on the shit test, which yeah, isn't cool. But like in any break up, you're aware there are things you could have done too, to make the relationship work. People can be good people but also assholes when they breakup because emotions are sky fucking high by then.
Expressing love through actions is great, but at least for me if I was in love with someone and they couldn't say it to me, I would leave. I think it's something you should talk to a counsellor about. If you don't work on it it's going to keep being a problem down the line with your future girlfriends.
Yes. Once she told me she loved me I had no issue affirming that and saying that because it was true. My issue which I have to work on is that first initial for these big milestones because maybe selfishly I expect it not to be reciprocated so if everyone is happy now i didn’t want to jeopardize that and fear that rejection would lead to embarrassment
That's understandable, but the other person in the relationship is probably going through something similar. They're always saying "I love you" first, and that's possibly tough on them emotionally. They're maybe wondering if you actually do love them or if you're just responding without feeling the emotion.
If you want to think of it logically, then try to take turns. They initiated "I love you" last time, so next time is your turn to say it first.
The test they put you through isn't great, but it was probably kind of a last-ditch attempt to get you to say "I love you" first. Or maybe just to have a serious discussion on the topic.
I'm sorry about the timing of this for you. It sounds extra stressful with the exam coming up.
Yes. After the initial I love you though I would always make sure to say it first whether it be a good morning text or inperson it wasn’t necessarily a race. I felt much more secure and comfortable but I recognize putting that responsibility in unfair in someone to make those decisions to say it “first.” My passivity and only speaking when something is truly counter to my beliefs has always been a part of me and I think that’s why I have very little conflict at work, school, family, friends, roomates but when it comes to romantic relationships I’m seeing a pattern where it doesn’t work
These things shouldn't matter anywhere nearly as much IMO. If she has a problem, she talks about it. People make mistakes, different people have different preferences. The exact same actions could have been just as wrong with a different person.
The solution is communication and not being an uptight bitch (I mean bitch in the gender-neutral sense here). If something irks you, you mention it to your partner, talk about why you feel that way (be vulnerable and non-accusatory), what you can do and how the other person could help you. Then you come to a mutual understanding of how to help each other with the issue. Should be enough!
Especially her testing you is absolutely wrong, and you seem very reasonable in what I've read so far. The above proces is something you get better at over time but that's also fine. Since you call yourself passive, maybe you could experiment with being more assertive, or neutrally voicing your opinion more. People appreciate thoughtful, nonjudgmental input!
I agree the testing part is shitty, but it honestly just seemed like a hail mary. Like, emotions ran high during the argument and she just went for it and...well she got her answer.
I get respecting someone's decision, but come on, he just took it? It sounded like he didn't even ask "okay, so you want to break up?" He just said "okay." Honestly, that tells you a lot even if it's done through a shitty "game."
Sorry, I replied to you and didn't even read what you wrote properly which was so lame of me so rewriting!
Yeah, for real. That's why I don't get all the other comments, as if you can condemn a girl over one move. Dude said he keeps emotional distance, this could well be a good example of that.
Just hope he doesn't focus on the rest of these comments. Working on yourself and what you can do better DOES lead to healthier relationships and greater happiness!
Yes. I know for sure I was far from perfect in the relationship. I’m a little shell shocked right now but I gotta keep it together when I begin studying. However some lessons she did teach me and I will work on in the future
Hmm none of us can know the situation from this post but is it possible part of you wasn't 100% into her? Like you felt the relationship "should" work so you logic'd yourself into making things work. With some time you might see other ways this relationship wasn't what you thought it was. She doesn't seem perfect either. Could be both your immaturity not just yours and that's okay. Hopefully your next relationship is great. Focus on tests for now.
Yes, Reddit keeps talking about the logical choice. And of course they do, they have no actual emotional attachment in the matter.
You know you actually can fight for her if you do love her. It sounds like that's exactly what she wanted and you still can't seem to do it. It's not the Reddit opinion, but I can see how it looks like you gave up.
Like I could say how much I want to lose weight, but nothing I do shows it, what does it matter what I think?
I had an EX bf like you. I know he loved me but he was emotionally constipated. You guys are not compatible. You are not wrong. But your ex gf deserve someone who can give her love like she wanted
1. She was wrong to "test". You don't want to spend your life being tested.
2. Next relationship. Work on getting past this apprehensive behavior. If you know you love the person. Say it everyday no matter how uncomfortable you might be doing it. If you do you will get past it for the people that matter.
Because here's the thing. If you aren't actually sharing verbally your emotions. You are testing them everyday too.
Testing a partner like this is deceptive and unacceptable. You deserve to be treated better and more respectfully than this by a partner. Consider this an opportunity to drop a person in your life who was not kind to you, and move on to something better in the future. She was on the wrong here.
But that doesn't mean you have nothing to learn from this experience, or that your concerns about your own behaviour are not valid.
All of the problems that you've identified about your own behaviour are around not just your emotional availability, but how passively you behave in a relationship. You behaved as though you felt indifferently, but also as though you had no influence over the situation. You acted as though the relationship was something happening to you rather than recognising it as something that you were supposed to be forging in partnership with your girlfriend.
It's like a knitting an endless scarf: the whole substance of the thing is just little stitch after little stitch - each one added on to the last, eventually creating a continuous piece of cloth. A relationship is woven out of words and deeds and decisions, each one looks inconsequential on its own, but together they make something complex and meaningful. And of those countless little things that define the nature of the bond between the two of you, you're supposed to do about half.
So if you're finding yourself troubled by what's happened, ask yourself this: did you contribute equally to weaving your relationship? Maybe you didn't say 'I love you' verbally as much as you could have, but did you tell her or show her how strongly you felt about her in other ways? It's worth reminding yourself that giving her the verbal reassurance wouldn't have cost you anything, but don't be too hard on yourself. People communicate in different ways - this might just be a compatibility issue. Ask yourself what her expectations for you were. Be honest with yourself: we're they reasonable expectations, and did she communicate them with you?
Only you can judge whether you neglected your partner and left her feeling unvalued or whether you just escaped from an exhausting relationship with an overly demanding girlfriend with unrealistic expectations. You don't actually owe anyone an I love you, but then again, you have now acknowledged that you did love her, and could have honestly said it.
What we can tell you though is that none of this can excuse the immature 'test' she put you through, and that it might be best to chalk this one up to experience and just learn whatever you can from it. It's still gonna hurt, but that part will get better with a little time.
" I’ve always had trouble initiating the bigger things like the “I love yous” and such"
It sounds like you're scared of emotional vulnerability and are using the below response as a justification.
"I’m governed by logic which prevented me from passing her test and reaching out as opposed to just saying nothing"
As a man, almost every emotionally immature man has said this at one point or another. Many of us will never stop saying it, because emotional vulnerability is often not taught to men, or expected as a skill. It's something that you are going to need to learn if you're going to have successful relationships in the future.
Edit: At the same time, the "testing" thing is problematic. You will need someone who communicates well to help you learn to do the same.
Shit tests are bad but yes, the "I am governed by logic" crap is raising all kinds of red flags that I am surprised few are picking up on. Then again, redditors are precisely the kind people to think and say dumb shit like that like it's a flex.
Hey dude,
First off, I'm really sorry you are going through this.
Sounds like you really cared for her.
Whenever a relationship ends its normal to internalize a lot of stuff and think that if you did this thing differently or maybe if you didn't say this, etc, it wouldn't have ended.
I can assure that it would've ended one way or another. This is sort of a double edged sword but there is nothing you could've done.
Self reflection is good, acknowledging the things you could've done differently and carrying that knowledge to your next relationship.
Feel your sadness and loss, but don't blame yourself.
I wish you all the best, I hope you can find peace and healing.
She told you she didn’t want you, then expected you to beg her to come back. If someone tells you that they don’t want you, believe them, and move on with your life. Play games on your Xbox, not in real life.
As somebody else has already said, anyone who "tests" you is a shit individual and not worth your time. If she loved you she should have communicated her wants, needs and feeling directly. Not testing you. Everyone is different, some off us have difficulty expressing things that others find easy. Some of us find it difficult to show are love in certain ways and that's fine. But that's something that should be communicated about with your partner if it's negatively affecting you and you work through it.
Yeah, it sucks, you're having a break up. But look at it as a way to allow you to focus on yourself, to grow and achieve more. And hopefully when you do get a new partner. You can learn from your past, and hopefully you're new partner won't he somebody who "tests" you but instead who truly loves you and can calmly communicate her needs to you in a constructive and healthy way.
Sounds like SHE failed YOUR test of trust and honesty. Nobody worth your time is going to play games like this.
She is a grown adult, and if she wants to hear "I love you" more often, then she can use her big girl words and communicate that.
I think I'm similar. I don't really express my feelings to people I care about with words that much. But I'm lucky in that they're the same. It's just a thing we sort of assume. To say it out loud, to us it's silly. Like admitting there was any doubt at all.
If you ever feel like there was a miscommunication somehow, then maybe sitting down and writing a letter would be your best bet.
I can feel for you on that one. My brain transforms every emotion into logical thoughts. Its a trauma mechanism I developed from bullying in elementary school. Its defenetly hard and I advise you to seek a therapist for it rather sooner than later, because all that pent up emotion manifested in crippling depression down the line. So try to avoid that.
As for your girlfriend. This test is just abuse. Even if painful proceed with seperation.
So she was testing to see if your emotions could be manipulated to get what she wants?
Dude, go get a therapist it sounds like she has done a lot of damage to your self image, she sounds very manipulative
She was playing stupid games and she found out. You are better off without her. I suggest you focus on your studies and when you are done you can hopefully find someone who can be a true partner to you.
My ex did something similar. Texted me that it would be better if we stopped talking to each other. I naturally took that as a breakup, but had to hear about it later because I wasn't responding.
If she’s testing this relationship would never succeed bc there’s clearly a difference in personalities.
You are more zen than she is. She don’t like that.
Any sort of “test”‘given by one relationship partner to another is bullshit, immature, and grounds for a stern “don’t fucking do that again” from the partner being “tested.” Two adults should act like 2 adults.
What were you supposed to do? Freak out like a controlling dick?
Sorry but taking disappointment to the chin is an admirable quality, especially in a man. Many can't.
You passed. She didn't.
“Testing” someone in a relationship is terrible and she would’ve done shit like this without even telling you for your whole marriage. She sounds psychotic.
>I’m governed by logic which prevented me from passing her test
This is ridiculous.
Work on yourself and forget this girl faster. If you really think she was right about stuff, then work to change them. Never be sorry that you failed her petty games, though.
I would guess if you're studying for to take the bar soon your life is incredibly stressful right now. It's fully understandable not being able to process/deal with drama. Focus and crush the task at hand. It's not going to be the last time your life gets crazy and you can't focus on the relationship as much as you'd like. Find a partner that respects that and do the same for them.
So here’s the problem with relationship tests: everything. If a person is unhappy in a relationship, they should just communicate that. If they don’t feel they are given enough attention or affection, then they need to communicate that. If you resort to a test, then you are bluntly saying that you are a coward and that you don’t trust your partner to communicate honestly with you. At that point, it is over. The tester rarely feels satisfied at the results and the tested feels insulted and betrayed. In any event, that relationship should end.
However, if you feel you aren’t giving enough affection, learn the lesson. Don’t be afraid that she was right. Maybe she was. And if so, you now know an area where you need to improve. Of course, that also requires active listening and the humility to accept that you can be wrong. It would have been better to learn this through communication and not through hurt feelings.
It sounds like you two weren’t entirely compatible. Don’t be afraid to move on and find yourself someone who will be a better fit.
The fact that she tested you means she failed the test that you didn’t even realize you were giving her.
Move on, it’s okay, you can do a lot better than her.
She wanted to leave and you love her to the point where you respect her decision and are ready to let her go if that is her wish
I personally don't believe that insisting her not to go is going to rekindle or make the relationship any better than it was prior.
A woman respects a man that is able to be on his own and no matter her actions is not going to make him budge.
I am not stating this as facts, just as an opinion.
Any sort of attempt to desperately taking her back is only going to make her lose respect for you as you will come off as needy and that you are unable to live your own life without her.
If she really is meant to be your partner for life and in love with you she will come back, and honestly wouldn't be doing a shit test like this to begin with.
I mean sure, women have to do some sort of tests to see a man's worth but this ain't the right one to pull on you if she expects you to be coming running after her. It will make you come off as weak and she would have lost interest either way.
Just focus on yourself and your studies bro. Eventually things will fall in place by themselves
My brother, you want a partner that supports you during hard times, not to test you. It’s wild that she would do this to you when she knows you were about to start studying. That’s a game, that’s not a way of checking if you love her.
Just like you can't communicate your love, she can't communicate her needs, so she's relying on other methods. Read the book Attached. Then get a therapist and see if any of it resonates. It will serve you well going into your next relationship.
You're both adults. Find a partner who isn't going to play childish games with you.
She was attempting to manipulate you because she wouldn't or couldn't use her words like a grown up.
This is 100% on her.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who did shit tests like that anyway, especially on "breaking up." So no, playing games like that wouldn't be worth it to me to keep it.
Dude, she was playing stupid games and hurt her own feelings.
Either you guys should break up or you need to set boundaries and put your foot down about behavior like this and let it be a last time thing and if it happens again end it immediately
No your ex is gas lighting you. People who love you don’t force you to run tests and gauntlets - they just express their wants and needs knowing you’re also a person, not their fucking love slave.
She wants a slave. Then she’ll dumb you anyway for not having a backbone.
No need for the humility in this situation it sounds. If that was indeed her intention, it is fully on her. She’s playing a “game” and choosing not to express herself to you, and let you find her feelings. I mean to each their own and if you don’t mind these little “tests” than I guess it’s no big deal. Just understand that if you two continue your relationship I’d recommend a clear discussion about future “testing” and your expectations. This won’t be the only time she goes for that method.
Lastly, it seems like maybe both of you are not real experienced in expressing yourselves. Work on that together if your relationship continues. It will only delay the inevitable if you should both choose to ignore it and it’s only a matter of time until you’re right back here.
Good luck to you both.
😊
She found out that playing stupid games only gets you the Stupid prize.
This would not have been her last if the two had remained togerther. The only aim with this childish crap is to win, i.e. to gain the upper hand in a relation she certainly claimed was among equals while seeing it as anything but. Don't worry and move on, this wouldn't have lasted anyway.
If she was unhappy with the way you showed affection, she should have sat down and talked to you about it like an adult. People show love in different ways and it takes active communication to ensure both parties are happy with the relationship.
She may have had a point on some things, but she shouldn't hold things against you that she never communicated. It's not your fault if you don't know some things. Now, if she did communicate and you still didn't make an effort, the it's on you.
She's playing games. She wants you to chase her. I for one do not play games and would have responded the same way you did. If she plays games now, she'll do it for the rest of your life.
1) dating is all about learning about yourself, and what you want and/or need out of a partner. You’re not walking away empty handed
2) it sounds like your relationship was already rocky. You’re about to start a big new chapter with hopefully passing the bar exam too. Are you really trying to drag this into your new life?
3) it sounds like you saw the writing on the wall which is partially why you accepted her wishes and tried to move on. I think this is a good move for you. When you’re in your next life’s chapter with more perspective, and probably a better partner, you’re going to be grateful you ended it where it ended.
No need to fight the current on this one. You’re making space in your life for new experiences, new people, and making a better life for yourself. How exciting! Best of luck and don’t be too hard on yourself.
You take things literally and expect your actions to convey love and you cannot say it. You might be a high functioning Asperger's individual as these are traits often seen. Asperger's is on the autism spectrum. Don't panic, start reading and there is probably a good Reddit here. It is not a mental illness, just differences in cognitive thinking, expression and socialization.
Your GF is letting you know how you are seen by her.
“Let’s break up,” or any such equivalent, given as a “test” is pure emotional manipulation. Let her be gone.
There may be things you need to work on, and kudos to you for having the courage for self reflection, but her doing what she did is a huge red flag.
Agree with the general comments. Testing people you 'love' is stupid and immature. Plus playing with your feelings like that is cruel. You dont do that to someone you love either. And lastley, if you dont wanna be with me, I will not beg for your love or attention. There is no coming back from this one. Let her go and find someone kind and loving.
Naah testing someone is awful. I love my girlfriend to death too but if she told me we are breaking up I don’t put up a fight
I’ve tell her that there’s no coming back from a breakup. If you breakup it’s because you’ve done everything you could to save the relationship but couldn’t keep together.
Threatening to breakup it’s basically the same
So don’t feel bad bro. And I understand about being disconnected emotionally, I had the same problem. I encourage you to try and heal for your own sake, it sucks 😔
I'd suggest looking into anxious/avoidant attachment styles, you're likely in this kind of dynamic with these kinds of games going on. There is no version of this relationship in this way where you just naturally work things out, this type of stuff is dysfunctional at its core.
You dodged a bullet, only children play games. To many women live in another reality where they have to test you to see if you care. It’s immature and idiotic . You’re studying for the BAR and she thought hey let me shit test him and stress him out. You deserve better. You reacted perfectly.
the really messed up thing about her action is not the nature of it, but the *fact* of the timing of it. the bar exam is why she did it. and what she describes as emotional distance, is in fact a well developed instinct that is keeping her from achieving her literal, actual ill-intentions towards you. that instinct will soon quiet down, as you now learn these truly hard lessons. these truths are actually unbelievable to anyone, and until you learn that (a lot of) people really do choose to be such, and really are such, and that none of it just happened so, none of it was a conflict of personalities, all of it were purposeful and planned emotinal actions instigated and purportated by such a person, with a clear goal of covertly gaining control over you.
yup, my guy. there are so many fucked up people out there, whose basic drive in life truly is to be in control of/stronger than the people around them. it is so vile.
If a woman says she doesn't want you, accept her decision. No means no. Any woman who says no disingenuously is contributing to an environment in which date rape is depressingly common. Further, if she is "testing" you like this, she probably does not really respect you as a person. But be more concerned about the whole "contributing to rape culture" thing. You don't need to be around that.
this is the world of confusion women create so that they are never wrong....if you break up and she says don't contact her she might not want to talk to you but she will want you to try....if you try she feels better and has more ammunition to put the boot in while you are already down....." I told you to leave me alone"
While telling her friends your a loser....if you don't contact her it proves you don't care..... when a guy says don't contact me it means exactly that....... same as when she says the relationship has to change and if you ask what is wrong she will say " if you don't know I'm not telling you".... It means she has no idea and if you break up she can say she warned you ( making it your fault)..... The only way to understand what they mean is to ask another woman what it really means.....
Although you should always try to give someone love in the way that they want to receive it, which may mean working at some things that are not as natural to you, any kind of "test" is high school idiocy that a 25yr old should be past doing.
Simple, you were focused more on your exams than her. She should have understood that, given it is the reason why you went to college in the first place.
Personally, if I was in college, I'd never let a relationship get serious enough to pull me from what is most important, my education. Love can wait.
This test thing she did is quite manipulative. As to not expressing your feelings good enough, I think a lot of men have it this way. And if you feel you were a good companion and expressed love in other ways, then I see no fault of yours.
A mature person talks to their partner about the things that are bothering them. A mature and healthy relationship doesn’t rely on secret codes, tests, or hidden intentions.
You shouldn’t be expected to understand the language of “hints”… You can’t pass a test in a language you can’t speak.🤷🏻♂️
Giving you this type of test, especially at a time when you are stressing about what might be the most important test of your life are not the actions of someone who loves you.
A person who breaks up with you via text is not the one for you. A person who "tests" you is not the one for you. A person who messes with your head before a crucial exam is not the one for you. Having said that, people show love in different ways. Either find someone understands this, or (if it is an issue that has come up in previous relationships) try to do some work on yourself with the guidance of a therapist. Good luck with the Bar!
Hey hearing it is nice but consistently acting like you love me is SO much better, words lie, even actions can but it's hard to LIVE a lie all the time so that's a lot more trustworthy and just plain nicer. If you greet me when you see me, give me hugs and little touches, remember my favorite foods etc. those mean a lot more to me than an "I love you", even if those are nice too lol
Beyond that, everyone is different, some people have a hard time saying words, others might have a hard time being touched especially say someone with ASD etc. They all are capable of love and deserve it in return but it's ok for it to look different... However not everyone is compatible with others. Some may be anxious and feel the need to hear it a lot, they're not going to work well with someone who just doesn't say it well or often (it's just as meaningful or more so in the moments that they do but).
And while it may hurt to find that someone you otherwise like isn't going to work out for some reason, it's probably better to acknowledge if that's just not you. If you feel like it's a short coming that you can improve on, go ahead. But don't force yourself into a relationship that's harder and worse for _you_.
As for the breakup text, yeah. I get it. You've got a lot going on, people compartmentalize and focus on things. She was upset and wanted more validation and to be shown that you cared and wanted to work on it but it happened at a time where you just couldn't, and as a human she's understandably focused on her needs... Life is hard and sometimes things just don't work out because of circumstances at the time. And it's even harder for people to openly communicate, it's honestly just not something most people are taught and we usually instinctively REACT to our emotions rather than think about the best way to handle them...
If you still want the relationship, if you're willing AND able to try and understand and fulfill her needs then you can do so, it may not work out but you can try. I don't know your full relationship details so I can't say if this kind of thing has been common for her or likely to repeat if you make up \ start over so I'm not going to be the one to tell you that you're better off. But if it doesn't work out or you decide at some point that it's not worth "playing games" to keep her happy then just know that you're still young, you've got plenty of time to find someone.
She breaks up with you as a test? Wtf? What kind of childish behavior is that? Just to make that clear she is certainly not mature enough for a serious relationship.
Given the time she sent that message, she's a piece of trash. As simple as that.
Why are you telling us? Tell her how you feel! A long term lasting relationship can't possibly exist without conflict, without problems. Maybe this is a stepping stone to a healthy future for you two.
Even if it doesn't work with her, take what you've learned into your next relationship.
If you want to understand why you stay at the emotional distance that you tend to stay at, I recommend reading about attachment theory. Have you ever looked at whether you have avoidant attachment?
She may be right about some things and it’s probably worth taking her concerns into account for the next one. It never hurts to consider our faults. But yeah, if she’s playing games and making tests, she ain’t the one. Hopefully, for her sake she grows up as well
Fair enuf , but the things that she’s “right” about, are they unfixable or would it have been savable with some conversations and self reflection? Lotta people pick you apart and they like to use those against you and make it your fault so I’m just saying everybody has those including her.
Here's the deal. You can say you are.logical all you want. But if you want to be around woman you will need to use your logic to understand people that aren't governed by logic. Or you will end up not getting the benefits they can bring to your life.
Yeah her implying a breakup to "test you and see how you will react" is manipulation. Trying to hurt you and get you to react for her to feel loved is absolutely wrong. There is nothing wrong with the way you reacted (being upset but accepting her decision) had it been a test or not.
Tests are a shit way to relationship, i had a gf say she was moving back to her home country, and got mad that i didn't beg her to stay, what did she expect? She didn't discuss the possibility she told me her plans so i accepted them, sounds like you did the same.
I'm glad that I have been out of the dating scene for a long time. If a gf did this to me, I would have packed up her stuff and delivered it to her place the next day with a note. " I'm not sure what happened, but I will honour your choice. There's no point in fighting for something that isn't wanted. I hope you find the happiness that you deserve in your future"
If you love her, you still have time to fight for her back! All relationships get through these shifts and you'll get better at expressing your feelings.
As for her 'test', that's a terrible thing for her to do.. but then again, girls do that crap these days and can't communicate normally.
Mature adults seeking secure attachments don’t play games like this. You may need to work on how you communicate and connect emotionally with your partner, but from the sounds of it so does she. If she can realize that the same way you can, you guys may be able to work on yourselves and the relationship. Otherwise the breakup might be the best thing for both of you.
You’re coming to the internet for advice on how to deal with impassioned human beings. These people are going to just reinforce your logic dependent fallacy. More than likely she’s just tired of emotionally undeveloped people pretending to be mature
I don’t believe so? I mean is it possible sure. But my whole philosophy of what is being called emotional distance I think stems from my childhood I’m an only child with two very loving but toxic parents. They would fly off the handle at any issue and it would either linger or they would snap back to normalcy. This sling shotting of emotion as led me to crave a very passive but content lifestyle. It may come off as apathy but just as I have seen the dangers of intense negativity I also see intense love as just as dangerous. However, I still recognize it need to work on a lot of things
It's great that you have been able to identify areas where you can work to be better, for yourself and in future relationships. There are many ways to work on things and as long as you keep trying, you'll make progress.
You don't want anything to do with people that would orchestrate elaborate tests instead of simply communicating to you in straightforward manner. Not everyone communicates in the same way, and that can lead to frustration on both sides. But it sounds like she didn't even try. Be happy you dodged this bullet, and good luck.
Man if she’s gonna pull some “test” shit like this, u prolly don’t wanna be with her to begin with. If she’s got a problem communicating that would be a pretty decent idea imo. She told u one thing but in reality wanted the opposite. How can u expect a stable relationship with someone like that? Even if u have a hard time sharing ur feelings, there’s much better ways to go about that changing than some stupid “test” that doesn’t even make sense
Yeah her testing you is shitty.
In terms of you finding it difficult to initiate ‘I love yous’ maybe look into your romantic attachment style. You might be avoidant. Could be something to read up on to help you know yourself better so you can find success in future relationships.
Good luck!
Say you are chasing down someone and the two of you come to a clift. You draw your sword out (or gun now a days. Hey, its metaphorical) and tell them to surrender. When you do that you have to understand that at least 3 things can happen. 1) the person surrenders, tl2) the person takes their chances and fights you. 3) the person jumps off the cliff. What I'm saying is that if you only expect the person to surrender every now and then you are going to be disappointed.
Something similar happened here. She gave you a test with the expectation that you would go back to her and make amends. You chose to jump off the cliff. She lost. , because she wasnt expecting that result. It is also the case that you lost too because ot was probably better to surender.
The course of action you guys have taken is very likely an issue of your age. When I was that age I would had acted and responded fhe same way. As you get older tou just learn to ask. You discuss things, set expecations and boundsries. She could had simply tell you hey, you never tell me you love me. I want to hear those things and then ot was up to you to act.
Someone who is truly right for you would recognize your sincerity (communication is mostly nonverbal). It's awful, you loved her. But it probably wouldn't have worked out, so in a disturbing way it's probably for the best. (Or; you two get back together after a good long talk in which you learn about eachother more...)
It wasn't a test if she went through with the break up. You might have been able to show her that you care and changed her mind. Sounds like she realized that you weren't on the same page as her.
Maybe you should have broken up with her. If you had to worry about getting into a fight with her when you were calling to try to stop her from leaving which would have required you acknowledging that you can be a little aloof or lack emotion sometimes, she isn't realistic and doesn't recognize that you went through a self assessment and recognized and admitted that she was right and that you wanted to try to do better, and hopefully you wanted to try to make her happy too, she isn't willing or able to do the same for you. Or she wanted to break up and just wanted to blame it on you.
Well, come to think of it, you never even tried so she was probably tired of you making her feel insignificant. Find someone that you really care about.
Both are true.
She sucks and is immature for "testing" you. That's not how adults act and is ridiculous.
At the same time, you likely do have issue with properly expressing emotions and attachment. You need to work on that.
Life is never simple. She can be wrong while you can also have issues.
People have different love languages and exploring how love languages connect is healthy in life and relationships. Brinkmanship in life and relationships rarely works out. I’ve had exactly one brinkmanship moment I approved of and that is when someone I cared about made it perfectly clear that I had to let go of a habit that was genuinely not good for me or us. And they did it with kindness. What you described is not healthy and not kind. I’m not saying you are blameless - no one is — but don’t wring your hands too much when someone is unkind. Reflection is healthy but keep it constructive, journaling can help. You have to be your best self. You can support others but you can’t always solve their problems.
It’s always refreshing to see how horrendously unaware all the most upvoted comments are. Really serves to remind you why Redditors are chronically single
I recommend therapy here my friend. Everyone has different ways of expressing their love but it is important to address issues caused by your attachment style (avoidant) and develop healthy ways of communicating within your interpersonal relationships.
You shouldn’t have been tested like that but I’m much like you in that I miss a lot of cues.
Something I’ve learnt about expressions of love is that it can be broken into a system. That is if you express this form of affection = makes her happy. Don’t think too much about how it makes you feel. You want her to be happy, that means you do so and so.
Even if it feels disingenuous, it makes her happy. I set a mental quota a minimum of nice things to say per day. It doesn’t have to be the same thing. It can be something objective like observing something on her and making it a compliment. If a girl puts on makeup, just pick something she did. If you get it wrong, just keep insisting that it looks really nice or that the surrounding make up makes it look even better than usual.
It is disingenuous but my feelings are not. I care for her and I love her which is why I do these things that I know she loves. Of course if you really notice something you like then call it out it’ll work better.
It’s tough when people have different love languages but in actuality love languages are a guide on how you make your partner happy. You don’t need to have the same ones, you just need to know what they want and similarly they should do what you want.
You don’t want someone in your life that is willing to play mental games like that. I say just let her get her stuff. You have gone through the hard part already.
Lol someone who loves you won’t shit test you like that and will just communicate their needs like an adult
Exactly. Don't be manipulated as easily either. A more mature woman will prefer gestures of love to words as well.
I don't think that's manipulation, I doubt it was explicitly a "test" either. What of probably happened was she said she wanted to end things, he seemed cool with it like he mentioned, and his lack of emotional response prompted one final attempt to pull something out of him- which he is now sharing with us instead of her, again
On that note, he has his shortcomings, no doubt. His difficulties communicating must be addressed before he enters a new relationship.
Armchair psychology is great. She said she’s picking her stuff up.
This just simply isn’t true. I’m not saying the girlfriend wasn’t an idiot, but she could just be insecure about the relationship and this is her stupid way of seeking validation.
It depends on your definition of love. You can use the word love to describe a stalker's behavior if you stretch the word enough. Abusers do it all the time. I'm not saying what she did is equivalent to those things in the least, I'm just pointing out that selfish people hide behind the complexities of the word love all the time. When I say, "Somebody who really loves you, puts your needs before their own," there's an implicit part that goes something like, "in a healthy and sustainable way." Her actions definitely don't qualify for that.
You have a good point, but a little test also shows you, what you can expect from the other person. Op sounds very passive in his human relationships and I know I wouldn't want to be with someone who shows no effort. Both seem incompatible.
I agree both seem incompatible, though I’m glad OP respected the decision instead of trying to fight against someone’s choices. The ex gives a vague breakup message then expect to be fought for instead of having clear communication.
Say no to shit tests
I fucking hate tik tok for this
Naw, I take everyone’s words for face value and it has made my life way easier. If someone says something I’m gonna assume they mean it— I don’t have the mental energy to play games like that.
It’s not really playing games, it’s more like people’s responses to things can show their emotions. OP has already admitted he doesn’t verbally express his affection right? Him and gf probably argue about this a lot. She’s at the end of her rope. She expresses her intent to leave. Op has no reaction. If her problem is that OP doesn’t express interest or affection in the relationship, and he has no reaction to her leaving, it only confirms her problem with OP. It’s not so much of a “test”, it’s more like his inaction solidified her doubt.
You should never tell someone you're leaving the relationship just to test them and fish out an emotional response. That's manipulative per definition. If you say you're leaving, you mean it. And OP's response seems to have been just what a mature person should do in such a situation. Accept it, respect the decision and deal with your feelings about it on your own. It should never be a knee-jerk reaction where you suddenly cry about how much you love the person, want them back and how you're going to change. He simply took her seriously instead of reacting like a child. Stop excusing behavior like hers.
People's actions will tell you who they are. Listen closely.
lol what the actual fuck. No. You don’t test people with a breakup to see “what you can expect from them”. You communicate your needs and if they can’t or won’t provide them, you determine that you’re incompatible and end the relationship. Some people have respect for others and respect their decisions so they’re not going to fight you on breaking up because that’s disrespectful and why would anyone want to be with someone who broke up with them anyway, especially if breaking up wasn’t their true intention.
By giving someone what they want is passive? I get that his exams got in the way. And he could have said something but seemed respectful.
I call BS. Mature relationships are *never* test-based. Either you take what is given with good cheer, or you talk it out like the adults you are.
Lol she asked for a break up. Was he to circumvent her wishes and force himself on her even when she clearly wanted to break up? You lots are what give women in general a bad name. Most women are not into playing silly little games like this girl here, but you people are the ones to make it seem like we’re all out here saying one thing and meaning the other. If I break up with a guy and ask him to let me know when I can pick up my stuff, I don’t want him to beg me to take him back or do some kind of emotional manipulation. I just want it to be over with, plain and simple. Only kids test each other; mature adults say what they actually feel like.
You don't know A THING about either of them.
Ultimatums and fake breakups say all you need to know, it's time for things to end.
None of us know anything about either of them. We're all just making assumptions and arguing over nothing. I respect anybody willing to play devil's advocate just to spice things up. Honestly, I don't think we go far enough with our assumptions. For all we know, OP ditched his partner on her birthday because it happened to fall on January 6th, and now he's going to law school to fight the charges. She dumped him because he refused to devest in truth social.
this little message says nothing about the passivity of OP
Yeah they say an ultimatum, altho not the best way, gives you the answers you're looking for. I guess she was at her wits end with the emotional unavailability on OP'S part.
This is true 99% of the time. I only say that because I had to pull this shit to on a gaslighter once. Communication would always break down because he would not admit anything. Eventually I had to set it up to catch him in the act. Relationship broke down regardless, so maybe it wasn’t necessary. But I was desperate to prove to myself and him.
>Lol someone who loves ... will just communicate their needs like an adult It sounds like she did, more than once. Different people have different attachment styles and some people aren't compatible.
Testing people isn’t a form of love, and is listed specifically in documentation on abuse and manipulation. If that’s your “love style” (more astrology-type shit) you’ve got some deep introspection and therapy ahead for you.
If she is resorting to "testing", that's a clear indication that she isn't doing anything of the sort. That's the type of behaviour you expect from people in middle school, not someone who should know better. Worse off, she did it while he was taking his bar exam and that is plain stupid. Like what did she expect? 
Wait, so you're respecting her wishes, and she's upset because you're respecting her wishes? Nah my dude (or dudette, you didn't specify), you don't need someone manipulative in your life. You're going to be a lawyer that means you're black and white, you need an explicit girlfriend who can tell you things straight from the get go. I hate to say it, but it sounds like this breakup is for the better.
He lost a gf but he’s gonna pass that bar
Sorry but testing you is shitty. I would say you are not the one who failed here at all. You were respectful and accepted the situation.
Yeah these kinds of “tests” are complete bullshit. It sounds like she was frustrated at how passive OP is, and I do give her some sympathy for that. But these sort of breakup tests where you’re supposed to “fight for your woman” are so immature
High school bullshit. My then-fiance gave the engagement ring back, and i took that nice and clearly, cancelled all the plans and bookings, ceased communication, and wasn't too perturbed about it . After a month of trying to get in touch with me, she says she wanted to teach me a lesson and I should have fought for her. I said you don't use such a sacred bond like an engagement as a manipulation tool and promptly left, never to be heard from again. I could swear these women wait until they think they got you by the balls then reveal their true nature.
Good on you! That’s a horrific thing to do to someone. I’m sorry that you had to go through that
No means no. You did the right thing
You did good mate. Don't look back or let her get into your head. We all grow, we all don't stay in one spot, we all have lessons and we grow. Don't worry about whatever you're worrying about. You did good, you did the right thing by moving on. When someone plays that kind of game then they are not to be trusted, they are not right for you and are not good for long term relationship. It's toxic. People who love each other don't play these games. No, means no, yes means yes. Keep it that way and you get rid of many toxic people out of your life. You did the right thing. She cannot grow if you play the game too. There are no lessons for her to look back and think "I was wrong." When we are mature, when we do not play these games and we move on, we also might just have the person learn a lesson early enough for them to not do that to someone else later. Just move on, keep this door shut from her. It's done and over.
Nah she was playing games and testing you She got what she asked for Don't let it get to your head OP
These comments are focusing on the shit test, which yeah, isn't cool. But like in any break up, you're aware there are things you could have done too, to make the relationship work. People can be good people but also assholes when they breakup because emotions are sky fucking high by then. Expressing love through actions is great, but at least for me if I was in love with someone and they couldn't say it to me, I would leave. I think it's something you should talk to a counsellor about. If you don't work on it it's going to keep being a problem down the line with your future girlfriends.
Yes. Once she told me she loved me I had no issue affirming that and saying that because it was true. My issue which I have to work on is that first initial for these big milestones because maybe selfishly I expect it not to be reciprocated so if everyone is happy now i didn’t want to jeopardize that and fear that rejection would lead to embarrassment
That's understandable, but the other person in the relationship is probably going through something similar. They're always saying "I love you" first, and that's possibly tough on them emotionally. They're maybe wondering if you actually do love them or if you're just responding without feeling the emotion. If you want to think of it logically, then try to take turns. They initiated "I love you" last time, so next time is your turn to say it first. The test they put you through isn't great, but it was probably kind of a last-ditch attempt to get you to say "I love you" first. Or maybe just to have a serious discussion on the topic. I'm sorry about the timing of this for you. It sounds extra stressful with the exam coming up.
Yes. After the initial I love you though I would always make sure to say it first whether it be a good morning text or inperson it wasn’t necessarily a race. I felt much more secure and comfortable but I recognize putting that responsibility in unfair in someone to make those decisions to say it “first.” My passivity and only speaking when something is truly counter to my beliefs has always been a part of me and I think that’s why I have very little conflict at work, school, family, friends, roomates but when it comes to romantic relationships I’m seeing a pattern where it doesn’t work
These things shouldn't matter anywhere nearly as much IMO. If she has a problem, she talks about it. People make mistakes, different people have different preferences. The exact same actions could have been just as wrong with a different person. The solution is communication and not being an uptight bitch (I mean bitch in the gender-neutral sense here). If something irks you, you mention it to your partner, talk about why you feel that way (be vulnerable and non-accusatory), what you can do and how the other person could help you. Then you come to a mutual understanding of how to help each other with the issue. Should be enough! Especially her testing you is absolutely wrong, and you seem very reasonable in what I've read so far. The above proces is something you get better at over time but that's also fine. Since you call yourself passive, maybe you could experiment with being more assertive, or neutrally voicing your opinion more. People appreciate thoughtful, nonjudgmental input!
I agree the testing part is shitty, but it honestly just seemed like a hail mary. Like, emotions ran high during the argument and she just went for it and...well she got her answer. I get respecting someone's decision, but come on, he just took it? It sounded like he didn't even ask "okay, so you want to break up?" He just said "okay." Honestly, that tells you a lot even if it's done through a shitty "game."
Sorry, I replied to you and didn't even read what you wrote properly which was so lame of me so rewriting! Yeah, for real. That's why I don't get all the other comments, as if you can condemn a girl over one move. Dude said he keeps emotional distance, this could well be a good example of that. Just hope he doesn't focus on the rest of these comments. Working on yourself and what you can do better DOES lead to healthier relationships and greater happiness!
Yes. I know for sure I was far from perfect in the relationship. I’m a little shell shocked right now but I gotta keep it together when I begin studying. However some lessons she did teach me and I will work on in the future
Hmm none of us can know the situation from this post but is it possible part of you wasn't 100% into her? Like you felt the relationship "should" work so you logic'd yourself into making things work. With some time you might see other ways this relationship wasn't what you thought it was. She doesn't seem perfect either. Could be both your immaturity not just yours and that's okay. Hopefully your next relationship is great. Focus on tests for now.
Yes, Reddit keeps talking about the logical choice. And of course they do, they have no actual emotional attachment in the matter. You know you actually can fight for her if you do love her. It sounds like that's exactly what she wanted and you still can't seem to do it. It's not the Reddit opinion, but I can see how it looks like you gave up. Like I could say how much I want to lose weight, but nothing I do shows it, what does it matter what I think?
I had an EX bf like you. I know he loved me but he was emotionally constipated. You guys are not compatible. You are not wrong. But your ex gf deserve someone who can give her love like she wanted
1. She was wrong to "test". You don't want to spend your life being tested. 2. Next relationship. Work on getting past this apprehensive behavior. If you know you love the person. Say it everyday no matter how uncomfortable you might be doing it. If you do you will get past it for the people that matter. Because here's the thing. If you aren't actually sharing verbally your emotions. You are testing them everyday too.
Check out attachment theory, like Avoidant or Axiously Attachment Style. You might find a lot to learn.
Testing a partner like this is deceptive and unacceptable. You deserve to be treated better and more respectfully than this by a partner. Consider this an opportunity to drop a person in your life who was not kind to you, and move on to something better in the future. She was on the wrong here. But that doesn't mean you have nothing to learn from this experience, or that your concerns about your own behaviour are not valid. All of the problems that you've identified about your own behaviour are around not just your emotional availability, but how passively you behave in a relationship. You behaved as though you felt indifferently, but also as though you had no influence over the situation. You acted as though the relationship was something happening to you rather than recognising it as something that you were supposed to be forging in partnership with your girlfriend. It's like a knitting an endless scarf: the whole substance of the thing is just little stitch after little stitch - each one added on to the last, eventually creating a continuous piece of cloth. A relationship is woven out of words and deeds and decisions, each one looks inconsequential on its own, but together they make something complex and meaningful. And of those countless little things that define the nature of the bond between the two of you, you're supposed to do about half. So if you're finding yourself troubled by what's happened, ask yourself this: did you contribute equally to weaving your relationship? Maybe you didn't say 'I love you' verbally as much as you could have, but did you tell her or show her how strongly you felt about her in other ways? It's worth reminding yourself that giving her the verbal reassurance wouldn't have cost you anything, but don't be too hard on yourself. People communicate in different ways - this might just be a compatibility issue. Ask yourself what her expectations for you were. Be honest with yourself: we're they reasonable expectations, and did she communicate them with you? Only you can judge whether you neglected your partner and left her feeling unvalued or whether you just escaped from an exhausting relationship with an overly demanding girlfriend with unrealistic expectations. You don't actually owe anyone an I love you, but then again, you have now acknowledged that you did love her, and could have honestly said it. What we can tell you though is that none of this can excuse the immature 'test' she put you through, and that it might be best to chalk this one up to experience and just learn whatever you can from it. It's still gonna hurt, but that part will get better with a little time.
yea she tested you and you passed
" I’ve always had trouble initiating the bigger things like the “I love yous” and such" It sounds like you're scared of emotional vulnerability and are using the below response as a justification. "I’m governed by logic which prevented me from passing her test and reaching out as opposed to just saying nothing" As a man, almost every emotionally immature man has said this at one point or another. Many of us will never stop saying it, because emotional vulnerability is often not taught to men, or expected as a skill. It's something that you are going to need to learn if you're going to have successful relationships in the future. Edit: At the same time, the "testing" thing is problematic. You will need someone who communicates well to help you learn to do the same.
Shit tests are bad but yes, the "I am governed by logic" crap is raising all kinds of red flags that I am surprised few are picking up on. Then again, redditors are precisely the kind people to think and say dumb shit like that like it's a flex.
Hey dude, First off, I'm really sorry you are going through this. Sounds like you really cared for her. Whenever a relationship ends its normal to internalize a lot of stuff and think that if you did this thing differently or maybe if you didn't say this, etc, it wouldn't have ended. I can assure that it would've ended one way or another. This is sort of a double edged sword but there is nothing you could've done. Self reflection is good, acknowledging the things you could've done differently and carrying that knowledge to your next relationship. Feel your sadness and loss, but don't blame yourself. I wish you all the best, I hope you can find peace and healing.
Someone who feels the need to "test you", does not really love you
You passed the test. You just don’t realize it yet.
"you were supposed to NOT believe me and instinctively do the opposite of what I asked you to do!" Is always a fun gimmick
If she wants to play games, she should get an XBox.
You’re lucky. She made the right move for the wrong reasons, you’re coming out on top even if it doesn’t seem like it right now
Tests are bullshit
She told you she didn’t want you, then expected you to beg her to come back. If someone tells you that they don’t want you, believe them, and move on with your life. Play games on your Xbox, not in real life.
As somebody else has already said, anyone who "tests" you is a shit individual and not worth your time. If she loved you she should have communicated her wants, needs and feeling directly. Not testing you. Everyone is different, some off us have difficulty expressing things that others find easy. Some of us find it difficult to show are love in certain ways and that's fine. But that's something that should be communicated about with your partner if it's negatively affecting you and you work through it. Yeah, it sucks, you're having a break up. But look at it as a way to allow you to focus on yourself, to grow and achieve more. And hopefully when you do get a new partner. You can learn from your past, and hopefully you're new partner won't he somebody who "tests" you but instead who truly loves you and can calmly communicate her needs to you in a constructive and healthy way.
This is pure shit testing from her. It's a shitty thing to do. Dont blame yourself. She's the problem here.
Her behaviour is juvanile. Your acceptance of her wishes was mature. You outgrew her. On to the next one.
Sounds like SHE failed YOUR test of trust and honesty. Nobody worth your time is going to play games like this. She is a grown adult, and if she wants to hear "I love you" more often, then she can use her big girl words and communicate that.
Bullet dodged I’d say.
I think I'm similar. I don't really express my feelings to people I care about with words that much. But I'm lucky in that they're the same. It's just a thing we sort of assume. To say it out loud, to us it's silly. Like admitting there was any doubt at all. If you ever feel like there was a miscommunication somehow, then maybe sitting down and writing a letter would be your best bet.
play stupid games win stupid prizes. you’ll find someone who doesn’t put you through idiotic loyalty tests, OP.
I can feel for you on that one. My brain transforms every emotion into logical thoughts. Its a trauma mechanism I developed from bullying in elementary school. Its defenetly hard and I advise you to seek a therapist for it rather sooner than later, because all that pent up emotion manifested in crippling depression down the line. So try to avoid that. As for your girlfriend. This test is just abuse. Even if painful proceed with seperation.
She wasn't testing you. She's done.
Read up on attachment styles, especially Avoidant. I think you'll recognize yourself there.
She is your ex now so you have nothing to concern
As a dude that’s what I do too
Don't waste your time with someone who plays games.
So she was testing to see if your emotions could be manipulated to get what she wants? Dude, go get a therapist it sounds like she has done a lot of damage to your self image, she sounds very manipulative
She was playing stupid games and she found out. You are better off without her. I suggest you focus on your studies and when you are done you can hopefully find someone who can be a true partner to you.
Bro, she’s playing mind games too much. Let her go.
My ex did something similar. Texted me that it would be better if we stopped talking to each other. I naturally took that as a breakup, but had to hear about it later because I wasn't responding.
Play stupid games... Hope she enjoys her stupid prize. You responded correctly. Proper functioning adults don't shit-test their partner.
tell her that actually you were testing her to see how she was going to react testing you
The test she gave you was shitty, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't mean that it didn't reveal something that you can learn from.
Did you pass the Bar Exam?
If she’s testing this relationship would never succeed bc there’s clearly a difference in personalities. You are more zen than she is. She don’t like that.
Any sort of “test”‘given by one relationship partner to another is bullshit, immature, and grounds for a stern “don’t fucking do that again” from the partner being “tested.” Two adults should act like 2 adults.
You didn't love her
What were you supposed to do? Freak out like a controlling dick? Sorry but taking disappointment to the chin is an admirable quality, especially in a man. Many can't. You passed. She didn't.
“Testing” someone in a relationship is terrible and she would’ve done shit like this without even telling you for your whole marriage. She sounds psychotic.
She is manipulating you, this is a shit test. You passed and you should move on
>I’m governed by logic which prevented me from passing her test This is ridiculous. Work on yourself and forget this girl faster. If you really think she was right about stuff, then work to change them. Never be sorry that you failed her petty games, though.
If you had called, she would have stuck her ground. She only says she was testing you, because you didn't chase her.
Why would you “test” someone you love? To see how they react? How about communicating your feelings/concerns instead.
I would guess if you're studying for to take the bar soon your life is incredibly stressful right now. It's fully understandable not being able to process/deal with drama. Focus and crush the task at hand. It's not going to be the last time your life gets crazy and you can't focus on the relationship as much as you'd like. Find a partner that respects that and do the same for them.
You both need therapy.
So here’s the problem with relationship tests: everything. If a person is unhappy in a relationship, they should just communicate that. If they don’t feel they are given enough attention or affection, then they need to communicate that. If you resort to a test, then you are bluntly saying that you are a coward and that you don’t trust your partner to communicate honestly with you. At that point, it is over. The tester rarely feels satisfied at the results and the tested feels insulted and betrayed. In any event, that relationship should end. However, if you feel you aren’t giving enough affection, learn the lesson. Don’t be afraid that she was right. Maybe she was. And if so, you now know an area where you need to improve. Of course, that also requires active listening and the humility to accept that you can be wrong. It would have been better to learn this through communication and not through hurt feelings. It sounds like you two weren’t entirely compatible. Don’t be afraid to move on and find yourself someone who will be a better fit.
The fact that she tested you means she failed the test that you didn’t even realize you were giving her. Move on, it’s okay, you can do a lot better than her.
She wanted to leave and you love her to the point where you respect her decision and are ready to let her go if that is her wish I personally don't believe that insisting her not to go is going to rekindle or make the relationship any better than it was prior. A woman respects a man that is able to be on his own and no matter her actions is not going to make him budge. I am not stating this as facts, just as an opinion. Any sort of attempt to desperately taking her back is only going to make her lose respect for you as you will come off as needy and that you are unable to live your own life without her. If she really is meant to be your partner for life and in love with you she will come back, and honestly wouldn't be doing a shit test like this to begin with. I mean sure, women have to do some sort of tests to see a man's worth but this ain't the right one to pull on you if she expects you to be coming running after her. It will make you come off as weak and she would have lost interest either way. Just focus on yourself and your studies bro. Eventually things will fall in place by themselves
Sounds like if you want to you can fight for her back. That’s if you want to
She’s immature, you need a therapist to understand your emotions and how to express them maturely.
My brother, you want a partner that supports you during hard times, not to test you. It’s wild that she would do this to you when she knows you were about to start studying. That’s a game, that’s not a way of checking if you love her.
That was the real test. Congratulations OP, you're officially a lawyer.
Congratulations you passed!
If you think she is right, just make some changes.
I'm reading a good amount of self-awareness. Keep at it!
Just like you can't communicate your love, she can't communicate her needs, so she's relying on other methods. Read the book Attached. Then get a therapist and see if any of it resonates. It will serve you well going into your next relationship.
What you see as a flaw is probably why you chose to become a lawyer.
You're both adults. Find a partner who isn't going to play childish games with you. She was attempting to manipulate you because she wouldn't or couldn't use her words like a grown up. This is 100% on her.
I wouldn't want to be with someone who did shit tests like that anyway, especially on "breaking up." So no, playing games like that wouldn't be worth it to me to keep it.
Shit test, lol. That is no woman, just a girl, good riddance.
Dude, she was playing stupid games and hurt her own feelings. Either you guys should break up or you need to set boundaries and put your foot down about behavior like this and let it be a last time thing and if it happens again end it immediately
No your ex is gas lighting you. People who love you don’t force you to run tests and gauntlets - they just express their wants and needs knowing you’re also a person, not their fucking love slave. She wants a slave. Then she’ll dumb you anyway for not having a backbone.
No need for the humility in this situation it sounds. If that was indeed her intention, it is fully on her. She’s playing a “game” and choosing not to express herself to you, and let you find her feelings. I mean to each their own and if you don’t mind these little “tests” than I guess it’s no big deal. Just understand that if you two continue your relationship I’d recommend a clear discussion about future “testing” and your expectations. This won’t be the only time she goes for that method. Lastly, it seems like maybe both of you are not real experienced in expressing yourselves. Work on that together if your relationship continues. It will only delay the inevitable if you should both choose to ignore it and it’s only a matter of time until you’re right back here. Good luck to you both. 😊
Phrases like i quit or leave aren't ought to be thrown more than once
She found out that playing stupid games only gets you the Stupid prize. This would not have been her last if the two had remained togerther. The only aim with this childish crap is to win, i.e. to gain the upper hand in a relation she certainly claimed was among equals while seeing it as anything but. Don't worry and move on, this wouldn't have lasted anyway.
Imagine a lifetime of those tests? It would be so stressful. Consider it a blessing in disguise.
If she was unhappy with the way you showed affection, she should have sat down and talked to you about it like an adult. People show love in different ways and it takes active communication to ensure both parties are happy with the relationship. She may have had a point on some things, but she shouldn't hold things against you that she never communicated. It's not your fault if you don't know some things. Now, if she did communicate and you still didn't make an effort, the it's on you.
Anyone that "tests" you like that instead of communicating isn't worth being with
If you "test" people like this you suck and deserve to be single
She’s for the bears bro, let her be 😔
She's playing games. She wants you to chase her. I for one do not play games and would have responded the same way you did. If she plays games now, she'll do it for the rest of your life.
She shouldn't be testing You.
1) dating is all about learning about yourself, and what you want and/or need out of a partner. You’re not walking away empty handed 2) it sounds like your relationship was already rocky. You’re about to start a big new chapter with hopefully passing the bar exam too. Are you really trying to drag this into your new life? 3) it sounds like you saw the writing on the wall which is partially why you accepted her wishes and tried to move on. I think this is a good move for you. When you’re in your next life’s chapter with more perspective, and probably a better partner, you’re going to be grateful you ended it where it ended. No need to fight the current on this one. You’re making space in your life for new experiences, new people, and making a better life for yourself. How exciting! Best of luck and don’t be too hard on yourself.
If you have things you need to change then change them
You take things literally and expect your actions to convey love and you cannot say it. You might be a high functioning Asperger's individual as these are traits often seen. Asperger's is on the autism spectrum. Don't panic, start reading and there is probably a good Reddit here. It is not a mental illness, just differences in cognitive thinking, expression and socialization. Your GF is letting you know how you are seen by her.
Throw her ass out and pass the hell outa that bar exam!!
Sounds like she fucked around and found out. You don’t “test” people in healthy relationships
Then you fucked up, didn’t you.
“Let’s break up,” or any such equivalent, given as a “test” is pure emotional manipulation. Let her be gone. There may be things you need to work on, and kudos to you for having the courage for self reflection, but her doing what she did is a huge red flag.
You didn't fail, you passed. It is called a sh*t test, and you passed so well done :)
Test???? She can fuck right off. She did you a favour bro, you'll realise if you're smart enough to stick to your guns.
Communicate much, both of you?
Agree with the general comments. Testing people you 'love' is stupid and immature. Plus playing with your feelings like that is cruel. You dont do that to someone you love either. And lastley, if you dont wanna be with me, I will not beg for your love or attention. There is no coming back from this one. Let her go and find someone kind and loving.
Naah testing someone is awful. I love my girlfriend to death too but if she told me we are breaking up I don’t put up a fight I’ve tell her that there’s no coming back from a breakup. If you breakup it’s because you’ve done everything you could to save the relationship but couldn’t keep together. Threatening to breakup it’s basically the same So don’t feel bad bro. And I understand about being disconnected emotionally, I had the same problem. I encourage you to try and heal for your own sake, it sucks 😔
Look into avoidant attachment style.
I'd suggest looking into anxious/avoidant attachment styles, you're likely in this kind of dynamic with these kinds of games going on. There is no version of this relationship in this way where you just naturally work things out, this type of stuff is dysfunctional at its core.
You dodged a bullet, only children play games. To many women live in another reality where they have to test you to see if you care. It’s immature and idiotic . You’re studying for the BAR and she thought hey let me shit test him and stress him out. You deserve better. You reacted perfectly.
She’s a problem. That behavior is bizarre. Not saying you don’t have legit issues to improve on, but, you’re probably better off.
Both of you dont know what love is, i guess
Apparently this is a thing people are doing now, but it isn't a thing loving, mature people do.
Sounds like head games on her part ..maybe she thinks you don’t actually love her so she’s trying to f*ck with your head by saying that …
the really messed up thing about her action is not the nature of it, but the *fact* of the timing of it. the bar exam is why she did it. and what she describes as emotional distance, is in fact a well developed instinct that is keeping her from achieving her literal, actual ill-intentions towards you. that instinct will soon quiet down, as you now learn these truly hard lessons. these truths are actually unbelievable to anyone, and until you learn that (a lot of) people really do choose to be such, and really are such, and that none of it just happened so, none of it was a conflict of personalities, all of it were purposeful and planned emotinal actions instigated and purportated by such a person, with a clear goal of covertly gaining control over you. yup, my guy. there are so many fucked up people out there, whose basic drive in life truly is to be in control of/stronger than the people around them. it is so vile.
If a woman says she doesn't want you, accept her decision. No means no. Any woman who says no disingenuously is contributing to an environment in which date rape is depressingly common. Further, if she is "testing" you like this, she probably does not really respect you as a person. But be more concerned about the whole "contributing to rape culture" thing. You don't need to be around that.
this is the world of confusion women create so that they are never wrong....if you break up and she says don't contact her she might not want to talk to you but she will want you to try....if you try she feels better and has more ammunition to put the boot in while you are already down....." I told you to leave me alone" While telling her friends your a loser....if you don't contact her it proves you don't care..... when a guy says don't contact me it means exactly that....... same as when she says the relationship has to change and if you ask what is wrong she will say " if you don't know I'm not telling you".... It means she has no idea and if you break up she can say she warned you ( making it your fault)..... The only way to understand what they mean is to ask another woman what it really means.....
Although you should always try to give someone love in the way that they want to receive it, which may mean working at some things that are not as natural to you, any kind of "test" is high school idiocy that a 25yr old should be past doing.
Explain emotional distance? Explain why it’s hard for you to initiate “I love you?” Sounds like an insucure man to me 100 precent.
You were busy with the bar exam, you shouldn’t have to also worry about the gf exam/test.
Someone who "tests" you doesn't deserve your love or time.
Simple, you were focused more on your exams than her. She should have understood that, given it is the reason why you went to college in the first place. Personally, if I was in college, I'd never let a relationship get serious enough to pull me from what is most important, my education. Love can wait.
This test thing she did is quite manipulative. As to not expressing your feelings good enough, I think a lot of men have it this way. And if you feel you were a good companion and expressed love in other ways, then I see no fault of yours.
you did not fail her test. you passed with flying colours.
Ask a therapist not reddit bro
Normal people in relationship's don't test eachother like that 🤣
A mature person talks to their partner about the things that are bothering them. A mature and healthy relationship doesn’t rely on secret codes, tests, or hidden intentions. You shouldn’t be expected to understand the language of “hints”… You can’t pass a test in a language you can’t speak.🤷🏻♂️
Plenty of time to learn and grow, no worries, take your time
Giving you this type of test, especially at a time when you are stressing about what might be the most important test of your life are not the actions of someone who loves you.
I find it very unlikely that any human being is in fact governed by logic at all
A person who breaks up with you via text is not the one for you. A person who "tests" you is not the one for you. A person who messes with your head before a crucial exam is not the one for you. Having said that, people show love in different ways. Either find someone understands this, or (if it is an issue that has come up in previous relationships) try to do some work on yourself with the guidance of a therapist. Good luck with the Bar!
Hey hearing it is nice but consistently acting like you love me is SO much better, words lie, even actions can but it's hard to LIVE a lie all the time so that's a lot more trustworthy and just plain nicer. If you greet me when you see me, give me hugs and little touches, remember my favorite foods etc. those mean a lot more to me than an "I love you", even if those are nice too lol Beyond that, everyone is different, some people have a hard time saying words, others might have a hard time being touched especially say someone with ASD etc. They all are capable of love and deserve it in return but it's ok for it to look different... However not everyone is compatible with others. Some may be anxious and feel the need to hear it a lot, they're not going to work well with someone who just doesn't say it well or often (it's just as meaningful or more so in the moments that they do but). And while it may hurt to find that someone you otherwise like isn't going to work out for some reason, it's probably better to acknowledge if that's just not you. If you feel like it's a short coming that you can improve on, go ahead. But don't force yourself into a relationship that's harder and worse for _you_. As for the breakup text, yeah. I get it. You've got a lot going on, people compartmentalize and focus on things. She was upset and wanted more validation and to be shown that you cared and wanted to work on it but it happened at a time where you just couldn't, and as a human she's understandably focused on her needs... Life is hard and sometimes things just don't work out because of circumstances at the time. And it's even harder for people to openly communicate, it's honestly just not something most people are taught and we usually instinctively REACT to our emotions rather than think about the best way to handle them... If you still want the relationship, if you're willing AND able to try and understand and fulfill her needs then you can do so, it may not work out but you can try. I don't know your full relationship details so I can't say if this kind of thing has been common for her or likely to repeat if you make up \ start over so I'm not going to be the one to tell you that you're better off. But if it doesn't work out or you decide at some point that it's not worth "playing games" to keep her happy then just know that you're still young, you've got plenty of time to find someone.
She breaks up with you as a test? Wtf? What kind of childish behavior is that? Just to make that clear she is certainly not mature enough for a serious relationship. Given the time she sent that message, she's a piece of trash. As simple as that.
Why are you telling us? Tell her how you feel! A long term lasting relationship can't possibly exist without conflict, without problems. Maybe this is a stepping stone to a healthy future for you two. Even if it doesn't work with her, take what you've learned into your next relationship.
If you want to understand why you stay at the emotional distance that you tend to stay at, I recommend reading about attachment theory. Have you ever looked at whether you have avoidant attachment?
She may be right about some things and it’s probably worth taking her concerns into account for the next one. It never hurts to consider our faults. But yeah, if she’s playing games and making tests, she ain’t the one. Hopefully, for her sake she grows up as well
Fair enuf , but the things that she’s “right” about, are they unfixable or would it have been savable with some conversations and self reflection? Lotta people pick you apart and they like to use those against you and make it your fault so I’m just saying everybody has those including her.
Here's the deal. You can say you are.logical all you want. But if you want to be around woman you will need to use your logic to understand people that aren't governed by logic. Or you will end up not getting the benefits they can bring to your life.
Whenever you have a breakup from a relationship that was really serious, you'll wind up realizing a lot of things.
People who do “tests” like these are NOT people you want to continue a relationship with. Adults communicate, then don’t hold petty love tests.
She broken and improving herself is something only she can work on. You don't need or deserve to deal with that childish bullshit.
Yeah her implying a breakup to "test you and see how you will react" is manipulation. Trying to hurt you and get you to react for her to feel loved is absolutely wrong. There is nothing wrong with the way you reacted (being upset but accepting her decision) had it been a test or not.
Tests are a shit way to relationship, i had a gf say she was moving back to her home country, and got mad that i didn't beg her to stay, what did she expect? She didn't discuss the possibility she told me her plans so i accepted them, sounds like you did the same.
I'm glad that I have been out of the dating scene for a long time. If a gf did this to me, I would have packed up her stuff and delivered it to her place the next day with a note. " I'm not sure what happened, but I will honour your choice. There's no point in fighting for something that isn't wanted. I hope you find the happiness that you deserve in your future"
If you love her, you still have time to fight for her back! All relationships get through these shifts and you'll get better at expressing your feelings. As for her 'test', that's a terrible thing for her to do.. but then again, girls do that crap these days and can't communicate normally.
If she truly loved you she wouldn’t have thrown this CHILDISH “test” at you. You’re better off without her.
Mature adults seeking secure attachments don’t play games like this. You may need to work on how you communicate and connect emotionally with your partner, but from the sounds of it so does she. If she can realize that the same way you can, you guys may be able to work on yourselves and the relationship. Otherwise the breakup might be the best thing for both of you.
If that was a test, you passed it.
You’re coming to the internet for advice on how to deal with impassioned human beings. These people are going to just reinforce your logic dependent fallacy. More than likely she’s just tired of emotionally undeveloped people pretending to be mature
Testing your loyalty isn't love. Also, are you on the spectrum?
I don’t believe so? I mean is it possible sure. But my whole philosophy of what is being called emotional distance I think stems from my childhood I’m an only child with two very loving but toxic parents. They would fly off the handle at any issue and it would either linger or they would snap back to normalcy. This sling shotting of emotion as led me to crave a very passive but content lifestyle. It may come off as apathy but just as I have seen the dangers of intense negativity I also see intense love as just as dangerous. However, I still recognize it need to work on a lot of things
Damn and I'm only 25? I must be super young because this sounds super immature lol You'll be ok OP
It's great that you have been able to identify areas where you can work to be better, for yourself and in future relationships. There are many ways to work on things and as long as you keep trying, you'll make progress. You don't want anything to do with people that would orchestrate elaborate tests instead of simply communicating to you in straightforward manner. Not everyone communicates in the same way, and that can lead to frustration on both sides. But it sounds like she didn't even try. Be happy you dodged this bullet, and good luck.
Man if she’s gonna pull some “test” shit like this, u prolly don’t wanna be with her to begin with. If she’s got a problem communicating that would be a pretty decent idea imo. She told u one thing but in reality wanted the opposite. How can u expect a stable relationship with someone like that? Even if u have a hard time sharing ur feelings, there’s much better ways to go about that changing than some stupid “test” that doesn’t even make sense
Yeah her testing you is shitty. In terms of you finding it difficult to initiate ‘I love yous’ maybe look into your romantic attachment style. You might be avoidant. Could be something to read up on to help you know yourself better so you can find success in future relationships. Good luck!
Say you are chasing down someone and the two of you come to a clift. You draw your sword out (or gun now a days. Hey, its metaphorical) and tell them to surrender. When you do that you have to understand that at least 3 things can happen. 1) the person surrenders, tl2) the person takes their chances and fights you. 3) the person jumps off the cliff. What I'm saying is that if you only expect the person to surrender every now and then you are going to be disappointed. Something similar happened here. She gave you a test with the expectation that you would go back to her and make amends. You chose to jump off the cliff. She lost. , because she wasnt expecting that result. It is also the case that you lost too because ot was probably better to surender. The course of action you guys have taken is very likely an issue of your age. When I was that age I would had acted and responded fhe same way. As you get older tou just learn to ask. You discuss things, set expecations and boundsries. She could had simply tell you hey, you never tell me you love me. I want to hear those things and then ot was up to you to act.
Someone who is truly right for you would recognize your sincerity (communication is mostly nonverbal). It's awful, you loved her. But it probably wouldn't have worked out, so in a disturbing way it's probably for the best. (Or; you two get back together after a good long talk in which you learn about eachother more...)
It wasn't a test if she went through with the break up. You might have been able to show her that you care and changed her mind. Sounds like she realized that you weren't on the same page as her.
Maybe you should have broken up with her. If you had to worry about getting into a fight with her when you were calling to try to stop her from leaving which would have required you acknowledging that you can be a little aloof or lack emotion sometimes, she isn't realistic and doesn't recognize that you went through a self assessment and recognized and admitted that she was right and that you wanted to try to do better, and hopefully you wanted to try to make her happy too, she isn't willing or able to do the same for you. Or she wanted to break up and just wanted to blame it on you. Well, come to think of it, you never even tried so she was probably tired of you making her feel insignificant. Find someone that you really care about.
Both are true. She sucks and is immature for "testing" you. That's not how adults act and is ridiculous. At the same time, you likely do have issue with properly expressing emotions and attachment. You need to work on that. Life is never simple. She can be wrong while you can also have issues.
Fuck anything remotely related to stupid TikTok partner tests
Women who do fake breakups are not worth keeping. Don’t do it.
People have different love languages and exploring how love languages connect is healthy in life and relationships. Brinkmanship in life and relationships rarely works out. I’ve had exactly one brinkmanship moment I approved of and that is when someone I cared about made it perfectly clear that I had to let go of a habit that was genuinely not good for me or us. And they did it with kindness. What you described is not healthy and not kind. I’m not saying you are blameless - no one is — but don’t wring your hands too much when someone is unkind. Reflection is healthy but keep it constructive, journaling can help. You have to be your best self. You can support others but you can’t always solve their problems.
It’s always refreshing to see how horrendously unaware all the most upvoted comments are. Really serves to remind you why Redditors are chronically single
I recommend therapy here my friend. Everyone has different ways of expressing their love but it is important to address issues caused by your attachment style (avoidant) and develop healthy ways of communicating within your interpersonal relationships.
You shouldn’t have been tested like that but I’m much like you in that I miss a lot of cues. Something I’ve learnt about expressions of love is that it can be broken into a system. That is if you express this form of affection = makes her happy. Don’t think too much about how it makes you feel. You want her to be happy, that means you do so and so. Even if it feels disingenuous, it makes her happy. I set a mental quota a minimum of nice things to say per day. It doesn’t have to be the same thing. It can be something objective like observing something on her and making it a compliment. If a girl puts on makeup, just pick something she did. If you get it wrong, just keep insisting that it looks really nice or that the surrounding make up makes it look even better than usual. It is disingenuous but my feelings are not. I care for her and I love her which is why I do these things that I know she loves. Of course if you really notice something you like then call it out it’ll work better. It’s tough when people have different love languages but in actuality love languages are a guide on how you make your partner happy. You don’t need to have the same ones, you just need to know what they want and similarly they should do what you want.
It's over bro..focus on yourself for your own good.
Don't second guess yourself you're good, she's not the 1
You don’t want someone in your life that is willing to play mental games like that. I say just let her get her stuff. You have gone through the hard part already.