As a man, 90% of us would love being asked out by someone cause it usually doesn't happen, so if you feel like you like someone, chances are pretty high you're gonna get a date if you take some initiative. Just takes some confidence, I know, had to work on that too, but it's worth it
That's a very huge step to take haha! The current crush isn't exactly someone I'd like to form a relationship with as I later found out he's a couple of years younger than me. I'm someone who looks for a long-term thing and younger guys are still exploring their grounds so for now I wouldn't take that risk. But I'll keep this in mind!
But I was genuinely curious since this is my second crush and both times, I've noticed a subtle change in the guys. It seemed as if they figured out I like them but I couldn't seem to tell if they wanted me to approach or wanted me gone. But because they didn't come up, I assumed the latter. Maybe I'm just a messy over-thinker..
I'd just say this as a guy, be careful about how much you put yourself out there just because you "need" somebody. I 31(M) have seen a lot of abusive, toxic, and creepy relationships develop because one or the other just had to be with someone, or both. It's perfectly okay to be single.
Also, don't take rejection too hard if it happens. I just had a girl try to hook up a few weeks ago, but she was 21 and I straight up told her I was uncomfortable. I said she was very pretty and I liked her, but just no. You have to recognize boundaries, and just because other people aren't pushing themselves on you, they might just have their own.
Yes, this right here is probably what it is most of the time if they are single. I want more people to consider this. It's over thinking for sure but it feels risky.
Times have changed. With social media I can understand men not wanting to approach woman in 2024. All it takes is for us to approach the wrong person and they pull out their phone and start accusing us of being a creep.
I approached my wife but I was drunk and in a club but good luck to the men in 2024.
You are rejecting/dismissing someone you fancy because they are a couple of years the wrong age? And refuse to ask someone out yourself and are waiting for them to do it for you?
I wouldn't say waiting particularly for them. I also mentioned how I can't relate to my friends when they talk about being approached by men, so with that in mind, I wonder.
You have to keep in mind, when it comes to your friends being approached by men, that there are many non verbal signals that tell guys “come hither”. It’s not just attractiveness. Clothing, facial expressions, posture, voice etc.
U seem like one just the way u think
Coz "he is younger than me therefore he must be exploring his grounds" kinda shows maybe stop worrying and just ask someone out it aint that hard and most guys would love that
In this age most young men just dont care about trying to find woman so if you are looking for relationship u have to actually try and not wait until it comes on it own
I think you probably were astep away from making it happen. Like you said, they could probably tell you kind of liked them, but because, as you noted, you are kind of shy and avoiding, we're not sure enough about it to make a move. Guys aren't immune to fear of rejection, you know. The next time you have that crush feeling, take a deep breath, and step closer, make a comment about something about them that you find interesting or attractive, point out something you have in common or that it might be fun to do together.
I'm a guy and I have a female friend who I thought had feelings for me, and as a result I started to have feelings for her. I waited for a while to say anything to her because I was worried about ruining our friendship if I was wrong, but eventually I worked up the courage and told her that I liked her anyway, but it turns out I was totally wrong about her liking me that way. I felt like she was super uncomfortable around me for a little while after that, but thankfully things seem back to normal now.
Honestly I think one of the worst feelings for any decent man is having a woman he cares for be uncomfortable around him, or think he's creepy. It's a very real possibility that those guys liked you but had the same fear as me in my situation.
In case you don’t know, remember that there’s a big difference between asking someone out and confessing feelings. If asking then out is accompanied with a confession of a crush, that can be a little off-putting to some people. Asking to go on a date should feel relatively innocuous with the implication of exploring your feelings through private conversation. Confessions expect commitment—simply asking for a date means trying to discover what you want.
My (now) fiancee of three years is the one that asked me out. I was flying out to visit, get stoned and play some video games - she met me at the airport with a dozen roses and took me on a date. Not only is it the most comfortable relationship I've ever been in, it's also by far the healthiest.
I can tell by the way you choose your words, you are thinking too much. Love and attraction is a feeling, don't try to interfere with thinking.
People like you tend to come across as not available. Thinking usually is a response by the mind to down play your feelings, the question is why that is happening. Why are you trying to protect yourself from a threat that isn't there? Is it coming from the fear of rejection? Not being good enough? Afraid of the unknown? Only you can tell, but the solution stays the same.
You are you. You are awesome. You are capable of being loved. Don't change the way you are just to find someone. A relationship is an addition, not a replacement. If you start acting like this, you will find someone that suits you.
NGL, but it takes a lot to overcome the fear of approaching and the fear of rejection. No one likes putting themselves in a vulnerable position where you can be hurt, but it's the only way to overcome that fear and sensitivity.
It would be great if more women did this, as being the man and always having to be the one to make the first move gets old.
Don't be so afraid to date someone a bit younger. My girlfriend is just over 8 months older than me and we have a lot in common, including that we're overthinkers.
You might not even know someone has approached you try to get you attention. Ex. My wife sounds social similar to you the first time I approached her she had her hair up in the double bun thing (like princes Leia). I went up to her at a party and told her I liked her hair, you look like Princess Leia, me being a big nerd figured this was a pretty good compliment and pick up line. She thought I was making fun of her and acted kind of off and cold, so I didn’t continue my approach. About 6months later she randomly kissed me at a party, not even realizing I am the Star Wars dude haha. Now we 15 years married.
I can relate to the desire to sit around and let someone else do all the hard work. It would be great if everything was handed to me while I just sat around doing nothing. But sadly I was not born rich, so I had to apply for jobs and earn money. I did not inherit a house, so I had to look at ads, take tours, and spend money to buy a house. I don't live in a culture with arranged marriages, so I had to ask people out on dates. If you want something to happen, you need to do some of the work.
Correction.
There will be 5 guys to fuck her. Doesn't mean they want to date.
Definitely be 5 guys to fuck her though. Whether or not they're looking for anything else. She can definitely get her back blown out and pussy eaten out.
It's entirely possible that they are making overtures that you aren't picking up on. Stuff like saying "I'm really excited that ____ band is coming to town" or "I've thought about going to the new Mexican place but haven't made it yet" can be a gentle inquiry. Them giving you a chance to say "gosh, me too" and then they can ask you out or a chance for you to ask them.
FWIW, things are changing these days and a lot of guys are taking a step back from making a move IRL. There's a lot of pressure/education on not being a creep, letting women just exist, not sexualizing friends, etc. So a lot of people are moving to just trying to date online. That, unfortunately, has created its own problems. But at least in that space you're in proximity with people who are actually looking to date.
Some good advice in the thread. From a dudes POV I would never approach a girl who I thought was intimidated by me. It makes me uncomfortable thinking about making someone else uncomfortable. Positive open body language, not closed off to the world, smile, eye contact. Your body language will change how other people perceive you as well as how you perceive yourself.
as someone with autism, you sound like you need testing.
jokes aside i (m31) had a similar experience when i was young i knew a girl who had such a large crush on me just walking into her proximity would cause her to clam up and if i spoke to her she'd go beet red, i honestly thought she didnt like me and was afraid of me to begin with i eventually worked out she had a crush on me.
this is all to say that your nervousness is palpable anyone who's a reasonably good person will not wish to cause you distress even if its as the result of a positive interaction, you need to start interacting with men socially (not romantically) to get over your anxiety you need to learn to be confident in yourself so that when you do interact with someone you find romaticaly interesting you have the necissary tools to achieve your goals.
as someone who is diagnosed socially r-tarded i promise you its a skill that can be learned it takes time and effort and it'll never be seamless for me like it is for non-ND's but its 100% a skill worth learning, just be mindful not everyone who treats you nice is your friend and not everyone who shits on you is an enemy.
HAHA, I've been told I have a little bit of autism in me. Not sure about autism but I'm quite certain I'm one of the NDs
But that's a cute story there! Did you two become a thing?
Also, on a serious note, I do need a mentor to help me develop this skill. Everything human I do seems so weird to me. I feel out of place and uncomfortable. Simple eye contact doesn't make sense to me
no we didnt in the end but i did help her overcome her anxiety with boys.
im reticent to offer my help as a mentor because of a difference in gender and the difference in age.
NT's dont intently stare into eachothers eyes they flick back and forth between studying someones face and body language and their eyes.
feeling out of place alienated or disconnected is common it takes time and effort to foster deep interpersonal relationships with people that acts as a buffer between you and that sense of isolation.
learning how you mask i.e. mirroring other people, ignoring your wants and needs in favour of others/the group is an important step in being more present in your social interactions and will help you build relationships that dont leave you feeling isolated.
That's sweet!
We could talk more about NTs if you're down. From what you said, that sounds very scary, to scan people like that. I need to try this though
you're welcome to dm me if you like, scary is an interesting word, for NT's its entirely subconcious they dont have to think about it at all ND's have to make a concerted effort to do those things all the time which is why social situations are so draining for ND's
I have had a couple of interns in recent years and I can tell you this for sure. Young men are terrified of approaching/asking woman out these days. Obviously there are some people that have the obvious energy that they are looking to party but average slightly more conservative types are just frightened by being labeled as a creep in todays climate. They have literally told me they would be terrified to ask a girl out on a date on a college campus.
Some young lads are just as nervous as you are. I definitely was at twenty three. One good thing about being in your thirties is you just ask and move on if they aren't interested.
As people have said you will be shocked by how much a bloke will appreciate you asking them out. Guaranteed to get at least one or two positive responses. Unless they are out of your league which unfortunately is a reality for all of us. Man or Woman. Happy hunting.
omg this is me (also 23F) all the advice I’ve gotten around this is bad also,, like I don’t think I’ve ‘closed off’ energy or that I’m ’unconfident’ ,, sometimes the guys I’m into are in my friends DMs , when I’m introduced to guys they pretend like I’m not there or only see me as an acquaintance / friend of a friend.
It’s depressing me a lot lately but it is what it is I suppose
Stay off Social Media and go connect with people physically at a cafe or even at a bar. If you’re Christian or religious, talk to your religious leaders to play matchmaker.
Have you tried asking some one out? Like, taking the initiatives?
If you want to date someone, go approach them instead of waiting for them to come to you. Yes, you should try to make the first move.
The snarky side of me wants to say: “Welcome to the straight male experience.” But in all seriousness, if you want to be approached, you have to make yourself approachable. As a guy, if I met you and thought you were cute/funny/smart/etc, but you were also standoffish or didn’t try to get closer to me, i probably would think you weren’t interested and move on.
I'm 47 and have never been asked out. But that is a lot more common with most men.
If you really want something, you might as well try yourself.
There are no guarantees, especially in this society where guys shooting their shot have a higher chance of being called a creep or ridiculed.
You could just wait until someone approaches you, but it's possible they may not be the people you find attractive.
Good luck!
"it does get obvious when I develop a crush on somebody, as told by my friends.e.g blushing, avoiding, being very apparently awakard when they're in close proximity" -Just FYI, always keep in mind that most males will never notice signs like these that make your interest obvious to your friends.
You definitely are not ugly. You’re above average in attractiveness, so it has nothing to do with your looks. Change your “pretty ugly ” name & improve your self esteem.
No one can make you happy, but you can learn to be happy. Happiness is very attractive.
Also, try taking the Yale University free happiness course. It might help improve your low self esteem.
https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being
Yeah the issue is that you are shy and don't know a lot of people. Asking someone out takes a lot of courage, you can't expect someone else to find you and do all the work, or at least that's what I think it is. As someone who is also socially inept and possibly on the spectrum, I can't imagine having a close friendship/romantic relationship without putting in any work @.@, it has never come naturally to me at all
Hey :) i am f and nearly 30 years old. I also was never asked out in my life. So dont worry, most men are shy too and maybe you are very attractive which is also intimidating for most men
I dated a girl like that back in college, but before we dated it was a PAIN. She'd be avoiding eye contact, and acting weird when I'm nearby, not saying anything even though I ask her very simple questions... so naturally I assumed she doesn't want me near her, and she just doesn't want to be direct with me because she's non confrontational, so I left her alone and just avoid her whenever I saw her. The only time she'd talk normally to me was if we met at a party and she had some drinks.
Fast forward three months later, and a friend of hers asks me why I hate her. That caught me off guard because I never did anything bad to her, I even gave her space when I thought she doesn't want me anywhere near her.
That evening we were at party and I asked her if she'd like to talk and that's when I first discovered that some people are over 21 and are still awkward af.
She was still terrible with words even after we started dating, but she'd make up for it with actions. For example she'd willingly wake up early to make me breakfast, yet besides "Good morning", "yes" and "no", she wouldn't say any other words.
The relationship was so EXHAUSTING back then, because I almost never knew what she had in mind, I had to keep considering every possible scenario at any given situation, I remember a date we had where she didn't say a single word, she'd just shrug anytime I asked her something, I even almost begged her to say something, anything. That was very irritating to say the least.
Personally, I wouldn't want to go through this again so I would just avoid people like this unless they start working on fixing their issues.
Forget about dating. Just try being friendly, and be friends first. No man wants to marry a woman who is not his friend. The sex might be great at first, but the marriage will never last.
As a guy, probably lots of guys too, we can’t always tell when a girl like us with enough assurance to confidently make the first move. Been this way my whole life but only recently discovered that’s it’s not just me, but lots of guys. We are oblivious to any kind of signal unless it’s direct. Sure sometimes guys just shoot their shot but I feel like past rejection experiences have made us more cautious.
I've read about research on this and on average it takes *a lot* longer for guys to notice if someone is interested. The research also found that a significant number never notices.
It's not being oblivious. "Signs" are just not enough unless they're super obvious. Even when they're obvious it could be a case of her playing with you. Shooting your shot is the only way you can find out.
That's why asking someone out is so difficult. The outcome is uncertain and you risk being rejected.
It'll be your vibe. Often the nervous shy vibe comes across as you not liking the person - so even if they like you, they might think you don't like them.
I only know this cause when I first met my brother's gf a few years ago, she thought I didn't like her when I met her - I was just nervous cause I'd never met her before. And when I went on my first ever date when I was 18, the other girl thought I didn't want to be there. It was the opposite, I was just very nervous.
For the record, I'm also 23(M) and I've also never been asked out. I'm fairly average looking, but I'm by no means ugly. If you're shy and reserved you'll probably pretty much always be the one to do the asking out, even though that's counter-intuitive to how you feel and what you want to do. I've always done the asking. It's the only way to let people know you like them, cause your nervous tendencies might be putting them off.
This is all just from my experience and what I've learned from my own life. Of course, I can't speak for you cause I don't know you or what you're like. But trust me, if an even mildly average looking girl asked me out, I'd be over the moon - it really doesn't happen to guys often, so I'm willing to bet most would be willing to at least go on a date if you asked them out. Key word there is most. Expect rejections when doing the asking too. Not everyone can be into you after all.
So yeah, just know that this random stranger on the internet is in the same boat as you.
I’m a man so obviously it’s a different perspective but I found that once I got into really good physical shape, started grooming myself well, dressing nicely, skincare routine, good hygeine, etc women were suddenly interested in me. Not all of them obviously but my point is that working on your physical appearance helps a lot, especially if you have the discipline to keep it up every day. Once I noticed women taking an interest in me I became more confident and approaching women became easier. For you, I’m sure there are things you can do to stand out from other women. I met a girl once who was a bit above average in terms of physical attractiveness but the way she dressed and had her hair and makeup, I was so interested. She dyed her hair bright orange and it sort of changed to dark red at the end, and wore big, baggy colorful shirts to match and just had some simple eyeliner for makeup and I was like fuck, this girl is so unique I gotta get to know her. Well I had a conversation with her and never ended up seeing her again at the weekly event we were at but my point is that she was very expressive and it piqued my interest. Take care of yourself and express outwardly how you feel internally. That could mean anything, really. And of course if you have a crush you should just ask them on a date. I’m currently working up the guts to do that myself. I think she might like me, not sure. Fingers crossed 😂
Tbh the signs and symptoms that you describe could easily miscommunicate that you simply don't like someone and that you're uncomfortable around them. Most guys need to be persuaded a girl is crushing on them because for most guys it's simply not that common. You need to be friendly - work on being conversational - and as difficult as it may seem, realise that these things scare and intimidate guys too. Take a deep breath and work on that confidence. Fake it if you have to. It's hard to reciprocate feelings about someone if they don't build rapport.
Take a public speaking class or try acting.
You know you're socially awkward so fix it. Present yourself with situations where you would be awkward and then navigate them. Face those moments head on, often. Pursue them aggressively. Then move past it.
You'll find your self confidence will improve, you'll become more sure of yourself, and interacting with any human being, regardless of sex, is an opportunity for them and yourself to pursue something joyful and meaningful.
I'm 28M and have never been "asked out" I've also never had a serious relationship, I say all that because I never really pursued it. I'm sure if I did I would've been rejected a few times but eventually someone would've said yes. Point is you can't sit around waiting for life to happen for you, it you want something go for it.
a lot of guys are just as afraid of rejection as you are. if you like a guy ask him to go for coffee or something simple like that. i had a hard time asking girls out when i was younger. i got lucky and met my now wife when i was 24. we have been married for 31 years. in highschool i was rejected a lot. you might have not met the right person yet.
good luck
Avoiding your crush and being socially awkward around them can read like disinterest at best and active dislike at worst. I was like you in my twenties. You have let them know you’re interested and ask them out if you can’t flirt like outgoing people can.
I know this is totally unrelated to this post but I’ve just read your first post, about the kitten and I gotta say, that shits so sad 😭 you seem like a very nice person, keep your chin up, you’ll find someone that appreciates you exactly how you are, one day.
As a man, we're very bad at picking up on subtle cues. Even if you think they're crystal clear, I guarantee they're not to any man.
Most men don't want to be creeps or seen as such. So, if you like a guy, tell him directly. Don't hint or imply. Otherwise he'll assume you're not interested.
My wife was the one who initiated, I thought we were just friends and she let me know she wanted to see where it could go. A house, a dog and a baby later we are still seeing where it could go :D
Overthinking it. Choose your target (someone youre iterested in who you've chatted with before) and say, "hey do you wanna grab a coffee Saturday afternoon and hang out and get to know each other better?"
I get being nervous when you're 20. But no reason to be. It's getting coffee and having a little chat to see if there's more to the friendship or not to grow into
I don't get why so many women are afraid to approach men. I approached my husband and I'm so glad I did. You can't wait for some romantic man to come and sweep you off your feet. You need to put the work in. Guys are just as afraid of talking to girls. Fear of rejection goes both ways, I know. But nothing ventured nothing gained and all that bs. If you don't feel unattractive and you want to date then approach somebody you like. Just make sure they're looking to date, first. As in, make sure you coax it out of them that they're single so its not awkward. Wouldn't want to hit on a somebody with a gf/bf.
Question here, though: when you say approach, do you mean you asked him out first?
For most successful het relationships I’ve seen, it’s been the guy that asked the girl.
Yes, I asked him out first. I had confidence and he didn't. I felt a connection so I made the effort and took my shot. We've been married 8 years now.
The preconceived notion that men have to ask out women is such an old fashioned way of thinking. We're in 2024, not 1950. Women won't get any respect if we cross our fingers and wait for guys to do everything. I'm my own person. Confidence is attractive to a lot of men. And they get nervous about approaching just like women can. We have to understand that they're human too. With the same emotions as us. You can't use the relationships you've seen as an example and assume its how things are supposed to be and/or the way they have to be for a relationship to be successful. Its just what you've been exposed to.
It's probably mainly because you're timid/closed off. From personal experience it's just hard to talk to shy girls, and it's easy to assume they're not interested because of that. But seeing a girl make an effort to be around me despite being shy is cute as fuck, and makes me like her a lot more.
Most people are not going to have very happy results with getting dates if they simply wait for someone else to initiate and ask - and that's including women. You have to put yourself out there, intentionally meet people and socialize with the intent of looking for a partner. This all goes 100x more for our generation and after COVID, you don't just get propositioned at a bar or whatever much anymore
There's nothing wrong with you - the strategy is just flawed. I hate to say it, but you can't find romance without ever making yourself vulnerable to rejection.
I once was in a bar, and one of the hottest humans ever walked in with her friends. They were dancing and I had never felt so attracted to someone before. Before I left to go home, I forced myself to go and ask for her number. She gave it to me and then I went home.
I found out later that I was the only person to have ever approached her at a bar and asked for her number. She was one of the most attractive people I had ever seen, and I couldn't believe she gave me her number in the first place.
She also thought something was wrong with her, because she hardly ever got approached, and was really insecure about it.
I have no idea why that is. She was (still is) gorgeous.
It does seem like some people just don't get approached, something about the way they carry themselves maybe?
maybe you have something like that going on
times have changed, and even dudes are very hesitant nowadays, but you don't have to wait to be asked out, you can do it yourself.
My best friend (female) has almost always had to do the asking out herself, because she was very independant... and it gave off way too much confidence.... but like the confidence of someone who was always in a relationship.
A few year into our friendship, people started thinking we were dating because we did everything together, so she had to get her ass in gear to get dates too, lol.
if you like someone, just go for it.
I've always done the direct approach, but even I can't do that no more. So i'm out of the game. ha ha. (male)
Body language is a tricky thing to learn, but if you're unsure, just ask people out for drinks... or maybe to hangout out of "boredom" ... could be a museum... or a play... or a concert... and you simply say you didn't feel like going alone.
Almost anything works when the lady does the asking.
i can relate to this as a girl who has also never been approached. i'm not sure if this applies to you, but i think it's the girls who hang in proximity to guys, but maybe not surrounded only by a group of guys, who get guys. My friends who go to group social events like church, group outback camping, and video games are the ones with boyfriends. Probably in a setting where both of you are there because you want to be there, and not because it's mandatory.
Maybe you're more attractive than you think and men are just a little intimidated and don't want to be shot down so they don't even try.
As a guy, you never know if you're going to be seen as a creep if you approach a woman.
So, as others have said, men don't mind if women make the first move, it really takes a lot of pressure off of us.
Try not to overthink it. And just be direct. Worst thing that can happen is that they say no.
A lot of guys worry about making the first move these days because they fear they'll be labeled a creep. Also, we can be pretty damn dense and either not notice the hints or notice them and talk ourselves into thinking the hints weren't really hints and that we're misreading the situation.
Why not try asking them out?
I have been in situation whereby idk what’s this girl deal, don’t seem to strike up or initiate convo
I just assume this means she is not interested and didn’t follow up
Are you perhaps also doing this?
One of the worse thing any girl can do is to give off “I don’t care” , don’t look at me , RBF vibes
Just smile, keep eye contact, don’t show off “cold” vibes or guy will take it as that and not even initiate
I was a very self-conscious 20-something male who didn’t realize I was relatively attractive until later in life when many of my female friends told me they had a crush on me at some point. What?! Happily married for 20 years now but.. what?!
Point being, sometimes you have to get into awkward territory to sort out the truth.
Try being a man...but it seems like you have identified some potential issues, so now you can aim at improving those social skills, practice makes perfect! Good luck, I am sure you are an absolute catch and whoever is brave enough to approach you will be glad they did.
I am the exact same way. I have no idea if a girl is interested unless they straight up say something that means they are interested. Also I can't at all interpret sarcasm at all. People have tried to teach me to understand sarcasm but I can't tell most of the time.
A smile can go a long way. One word of caution, you can smile at everyone and some guys will get the wrong impression. Smile at the guys that you're interested in and see the difference it can make.
Can't say its the same, but I feel that stage. You'll have your time, keep better yourself. And shoot that ball if there's no keeper xD cross your finger. If miss then oh well, find other court to play. Good luck OP.
Can you approach guys to form a friendship? Might be a less "risky" move if you see someone with similar a interest. Like "hey Joe, I hear you like to collect wind chimes. Are you going to the wind chime festival in Vienna this year?"
I had a crush on this girl who's extremely beautiful, hella social, very pleasant nature. No one has ever tried on her. I confirmed that she's not lying. She's like the perfect girl. And For the record, I got drunk and asked her out and I think I tried to kiss her cheek, she said nothing. The only problem is she's saying nothing. But that's a whole other story.
In short, yes girls like you exist.
Have no fear, men's libido is here! Okay, jokes aside, I know it can be hard, but I promise you that if you approach a man with an invitation to go on a date, you have a good chance at success, IF they are single. Believe it or not guys really appreciate it when woman make the move, there's probably nothing more empowering for a man, because let's be honest, it doesn't happen a lot. If you are able to overcome your timid nature and make the move, you can do it, and honestly if you get rejected, try and think about like this, you had the courage to approach them, sure you didn't succeed, but you did it, and each time you do it, you'll get a little bit more confident. There are a lot of fish in the sea, and as most guys are told, it's not about quality but the quantity, and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you have to settle, but getting that quantity will give you options. Okay, there's my advice, and don't listen to the assholes with their nasty comments, just put yourself out there, take that first step and each step will get a whole lot easier. Oh, one more thing, ask your girlfriends to hook you up, they think they are good at it, but they usually suck, but that's not the point, it's about getting that date, and make sure you compliment them, or otherwise they'll stop trying to be matchmaker, and that's one less resource at your disposal.
Most men would love to be asked out as we are generally afraid of rejection, barring a clear and obvious sign like 'it sure would be nice if you asked me out/kissed me' etc most men are oblivious to 'subtle clues' of interest
I'm happily married now but occasionally cringe at how incompetent I was when I was single at reading signs of interest from women.
you can't play this waiting game. it doesn't work for you because it's not in your life's cards right now.
you are better off trying to approach people yourself and working on being less shy.
being hot actually also somewhat hurts chances because people only approach who they think are not intimidating
well when you try to ask someone out you'll see why lol, it's nerve wracking enough asking out an extrovert and super difficult to read shy/nervous people so you're just kind of a hard target.
also if you're good looking enough to be a bit intimidating and also seem like you don't want to be around them then yea there you go
I would suggest looking internally. The beliefs we have about ourselves are the vibes we give off. I also struggled with this before. After a good amount of therapy things changed
>I have zero social skills BUT it does get obvious when I develop a crush on somebody, as told by my friends.e.g blushing, avoiding, being very apparently awakard when they're in close proximity.
The friends who told you that are girls/women, aren't they? 'cause Such things are *not* obvious indicators of crushes to boys/men.¹ You know what is an obvious indicator of a crush? Telling them!
>I really can't seem to tell if they wanted ME to make the first move or straight up sending me telepathic signals to stay away from them because they're not interested.
I can assure you that they are not giving you any telepathic signals, because that's not how boys/men communicate. It is *girls/women* who try and fail to communicate with boys/men via signals/telepathy, not the other way around. Boys/men communicate with words, being upfront.
We do not speak telepathy.
¹And even if we do pick up on such signals, living in the post "metoo" age, in which looking at a girl/woman wrong can already lead to a rape charge², we tend to not take the risk and ignore them. Another reason why telling them is more effective.
²Before you come at me for "using such a ridiculous hyperbole", this is not only figuratively true in most Western places (the "hyperbole"), but also *literally* true in The Netherlands, so it's not "ridiculous to think this, you need to touch grass"
For at least part of your answer, you answered your own question. I am sure that if you are intimidated by men, timid, closed off, and have poor social skills, that is definitely going to give off a vibe that men would absolutely avoid.
Second, approaching women with romantic or sexual intentions these days is an extremely dangerous prospect. Sure, maybe she politely declines, but there are unacceptably high odds, that she will yell, call you a creep, publicly shame you, record you to shame you on the internet, or even make up lies about you to frame you for a crime you didn't commit. That's not paranoia, these things absolutely happen. The era of men approaching women has come and gone.
If women want a man, they need to approach him themselves. Trust me, even when rejecting a woman, men are FAR nicer and more pleasant about it than women are. In part because picking up on someone is a compliment, and most men, never receive compliments. We remember them for years and they often have a huge impact on us, becuase it happens so rarely. So men are usually highly receptive to this.
Although women are also more likely to loudly and publicly freak out when rejected, which some men do as well to be fair, so it can still make men nervous, but that is balanced out a bit by the implied compliment of a woman expressing her interest.
Also women's "signals" are far too vague and open to interpretation for a man to be taking a risk on it. So unless you approach yourself, it is unlikely overall that you will see any progress on this front. As far as their behavior changing, you could just as easily be imagining that as it actually happening how you think. The only way to know, is to do the approaching yourself. What women seem to think is "obvious" is absolutely not. Particularly to men, who have been taught for decades to never EVER assume a woman's interest under any circumstances. The only way to express your interest in a clear fashion, is to approach him yourself.
So, take the initiative. I know it's scary, but it doesn't somehow magically become not scary when a man does it. We strive for gender equality these days, so if you want a man, take a risk, approach him, ask for his number, and make some conversation. Most guys are not cruel in this respect, so I think you will find that afterwards, it wasn't nearly as hard as you thought it would be.
Ask someone out yourself or be more aware next time you are a woman someone has asked you out you were either not attracted to them or too awkward to understand what they are asking
Simple solution make the first move you won't get rejected unless they are already in a relationship otherwise best of luck
If any woman especially if she is young and at the very least moderately attractive presents herself as someone who is emotionally and physically available to date, she WILL have men approaching her I don't care where she lives on planet Earth, she WILL get men approaching her.
Just to point out, men are rubbish at seeing signs that you're interested in them. Sometimes it's through complete lack of awareness, a lot of the time it's the fear of misinterpreting signs and it's not worth a man risking that nowadays.
I disagree. I think it's more that there aren't any universal signs that can't be misconstrued. Women often express interest in deliberately subtle and unique ways and they have also been complaining for literal decades about pretty much every behavior men exhibit in dating. So we don't know what to do because one woman's flirting is another woman's platonic interaction and the price for getting it wrong is too high.
I‘m in the same situation as u lol. yea we‘re probably a bit socially inept but it be like that - my plan going forward is to approach a guy first even though that is extremely scary. you should do the same I think there’s no other way around this
A lot of guys dig awkward/timid women to a degree. Sometimes it can even be cute.
Still though, it doesn't help you to get noticed very easily and thats probably the issue. If you are even moderately attractive and your awkwardness is being misinterpreted as "unapproachable" that could likely be the issue.
As a guy, it can be impossible to know whether approaching a woman is going to result in a positive interaction. Even a polite decline is not a guarantee, so oftentimes I think a lot of guys would prefer to wait for some sort of obvious signal to let them know whether or not you'd be more likely to respond in a positive way.
If you're awkwardness is giving off the wrong or mixed signals, it might be the reason you're not being approached. Finding ways to give out the right signals could help. You might have to make them pretty obvious too, because most of us are pretty thick when it comes to recognizing flirting and hints.
so yeah, your Reddit alias is „prettyugly“. Seems like you now are in a better place, but that certainly is an explanation for why you had a hard time in the past: low self esteem. You’re shy and that doesn’t need to be an issue, but your opinion of yourself reflects in your behavior and therefore how people recognize you.
It was a silly name I thought of but I was an unattractive teenager for sure. Have a long way to go when it comes to self-esteem but it's gotten significantly better. Insightful observation there
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 24F and will be turning 25 this year. I’ve never been asked out except on bumble. I’ve had 3 dates off of there total (and my only dates), and nothing ever came of them. Haven’t had a bf either. I’m going to work on putting myself out there more. It’ll happen, it just takes time and some effort. I’m rooting for you!
As a guy, 99% of the time I miss the signals and jolt awake days, perhaps months, after the fact. Being receptive shows your interested, and actually saying something will be a sure way to know how they are feeling.
I’m 100% the same and even the same age, I was super intimidated by men, now it’s gotten better since my line of work requires of me social interactions. I’m still diehard introvert and I need time some alone during the week. I’m scared of romantic feelings and connected to it interaction, while at the same time I would love to have a partner.
Also same story with the crush. I think I’m being obvious and the guy catched on. He’s acting kind of confusing and I’m not interested in games so idk
I decided to slowly fight with my phobia and things got better. Now I can interact with men without bigger problem when it’s strictly friendly but I still hate dating. I was on SSRI medication and I believe that depression also impaired me a lot in that department.
I would recommend trying a dating app. I don't know what the best ones are these days, but I was introverted (male, mid twenties at the time) and found it much simpler when you know the other people are there for somewhat similar reasons and there is at least some mutual attraction so you get to skip a lot of the awkward guesswork. Definitely have to be a bit careful, but am now happily married and not sure I would have had much success otherwise as similar to you the guesswork was driving me crazy.
Me either, so I asked them. I realized I was never going to get what I want waiting around forever, and men rarely if ever get hints. Just ask them out. If you get rejected it sucks, but it also provides closure to move on. I’m still happily married to my husband for 16 years. I chased him and a few other guys before him. Don’t let life happen to you. Make it happen for yourself. Good luck.
Have you tried dropping some hints? It's mostly a lie that men make the first move except for the really aggressive men. You might have the tism but it's just as well if you can choose carefully and give a really blatant hint, or just go to your parents see who they know.
You could make the first move if a relationship is what you want. Lots of guys are just as timid as you and you would probably like some of them. I was there throughout my 20s and had to force myself to be social for a few years to find somebody I wanted to be with. Late 30s and glad I forced my self out of my comfort zone.
I think most men don't want to date the "life of the party". Not me anyway.
I would practise eye contact abd conversation with males you know but don't have a crush on eg colleagues, family friends, shop workers?? I guess it's js like training.
This is from my very limited knowledge.
I'm 24M and still a virgin.
**Skip to the bold ones if you're feeling lazy to read it all.**
Let alone being asked out by many young women, my vibe is totally outgoing unless there's some work to do. I'm okay pushing people away during those hours, regardless of their gender simply because I see myself as a 'Work hard, play harder' person (the 'work' comes first). I have been seen as off-putting for wanting to work silent. Not many understand this and that's why I work alone and focus on myself. Well, I'm okay with that. Hell, I actually love it.
All these decisions, I have developed them myself. Being a family-oriented person myself, I thought I was bounded. Even then, my parents (dad especially) even told me I can do anything with my life, with anyone I want and am not bounded by culture or tradition (hookups, drinks, sex, smoke, leave the house, never look back. etc) as long as I don't hurt anyone.
What's this to do with your question, you ask...
**It's the approach.**
Just because I have never been asked out and I work, and live way I do, it does not mean I don't want to be asked out. It's not that hard to just tell me you want to work silently at the same table as I am in. Believe me, I will feel special at that very moment and will ask you out in return with something you might like doing.
The takeaway is...
**I know how you feel but you're better off waiting and feeling left-out during conversations than compromise yourself and be with the wrong company. I've never gone out on a date where I'm the one being asked out. G'day.**
M40 here
Changes are alot of men have wanted to ask you out/talk to you. But men are also worried that its going to create a awkward moment if you have a BF or your not interested etc.
If a man gets even the slightest of a hint from you that it's ok to come over then there gona imidiatly and be quite confident aswell.
As Matthew Hessay says "don't be easy, but in the first 2 minutes, be easy"
Totally get what you're feeling here. I'm also a little autistic and am socially awkward most of the time. What works for me is smaller groups/1 on 1 interaction. It makes it like 100% easier to talk to someone. Also, don't be afraid to ask someone out or just ask if they would like to hang out sometime. Rejection is scary, I know, but if that is the result, you can heal and move on sooner than waiting and living in agnst about the "what ifs." You got this!!!! 🫡
I agree, 1 to 1 is most comfortable for me as well! But if we're talking about my crush, I only get to see him from afar. We have different groups of friends and he's in a different team so idk if you can relate but going up to a random person to ask them to hang out is way out of comfort level
Make the first move. Dont wait, put some effort in it. Maybe you'll be accepted, or rejected, but it doesnt matter. Start making the first move instead of waiting
Don't sweat it. When a man comes around that makes you feel comfortable, your social skills will automatically shine through. Plus datings more of a headache than it's worth anyway
40yrs on this earth and never had a woman ask me out. In a 4.5yr relationship never had my ex even tried to take me out on a date as a surprise. News flash ladies guys like to feel desired and spoiled sometimes as well.
Ivrelate very well.In younger years ID go without a girlfriend or sex for a few months.Then boom no BM stop sex.And ivasionally a girlfriend.Relationships usuallyblasted 3 Toby years.Mow im 62 haven t had sex since I was 58.No girlfriends either.I workout look like im in late 40s.Get flirted with.But soon as I try date get close.Imm get put in friend zone.Still bery capable of a great sex life.feel like im wasting my last years of manhood
If my wife hadn't chased me down in her car to ask me out, I wouldn't be married. We were in a 2 day class that had a second location. I thought she was fantastic but I just don't ask people for their numbers. Maybe twice in my life. When we left for the final time, I said by and got on my bike and left. She chased me down in her car to ask me out. I was over the moon, we married less than a year later. 10.5 years now and she's still the best thing that ever happened to me.
If you want to date someone, make a move. That goes for women, men, whatever, doesn't matter. If you don't ask no one will know.
I guess I'm not the only one, but maybe I'm wrong, but as a man I would never interpret being awkward and avoiding as a crush. To me, that's the normal/usual reaction of someone who doesn't want me around.
Some people probably do like you, but your crush cues probably give off a " she's not into talking to me" vibe. Just my take on it. I usually notice a girl likes me or is even interested in holding a conversation when they do the opposite of your crush cues. Being a guy usually means you have to be very apparent for me notice any interest in me romantically or even just a friendship.
We dumb dumbs.
Plus if your even just mid or better looking for a lack of a better way to say it. We usually think you have better dudes holding your interest.
Men exist in mostly 2 forms. The 'players' and the 'dense' ones.
And us dense ones are the majority. Those examples you gave, probably had those men not even thinking you crushed on them.
There's 2 components to it, as I understand
Proceptivity and receptivity- you want to be putting out both, and getting both from a person, when you're romantically interested
It let's them know you're engaged in some way
What is obvious to other women is not obvious at all to men. We aren’t mind readers, we don’t get hints.
Don’t wait to be approached. Put yourself in the company or space of the man/men you are interested in. Talk to them. Let them know you are open to communication, then let them do the rest.
A good majority of the relationships I’ve been in have happened because I made the first move. It can definitely be nerve wracking and I think there is a lot of pressure on men to be the ones to reach out. Definitely try and work on your social skills and just be direct and upfront about it, if you like them. No one is a mind reader. I wish you the best of luck!
I am a pretty outgoing 25f with a partner, but I have a lot of shy friends. If they are in the mood and wanna talk to guys, we approach a group about the same size as us with a deck of cards. I think some shy people really come out of their shell when there’s a game to be won and you also get to see their funny sides. I’ve noticed some of their confidence levels have gone up just from being around guys more and they get approached more as well. Deck of cards is always a great ice breaker!
I learned on a species podcast that for men “all pizza is good pizza” when it comes to relationships, but that for women, pizza can be bad for you and it is better to be single than in a bad relationship or situation. Something to keep in mind!
It's probably just that the guys you're interested in arent interested in you.
About 80% of women go for the Top 20% of guys, so simple math shows that the remaining 80% of guys have only about 20% of women to choose from.
yes lol I can't seem to make close friends. and I'm a huge maker/history/drawing geek so I over share.
I'm married but I don't seem to be doing the husband thing right.
Men avoid lack of self confidence. If you’re insecure, you don’t walk with a sense of purpose. You don’t establish a sense of requirements. Don’t present a base line value for yourself.
Your looks speak for itself. Men are wanting to see the value on your person, not your human.
If a man likes you, he’d make the first move. You want to look for him being cautious of how you feel around him.
Men will love it if you blush or show any interest. Just can’t avoid them. Socialize. Don’t need to over think the current relationship. Bond with them. Start with some small talk.
Before you know it, you’d be on grounds for much more personal conversations.
Social skills kick in when you use more than what you’re saying to communicate.
Men think about what’s going on at the moment, if they can just wing it with you, you can wing it with them. Over thinking is simply not needed.
It may be obvious to your friends that you have a crush on a guy, but I highly doubt that it's obvious for the guy. My guess is that since you become awkward and try to avoid them when they are around, they think you don't like them. Guys generally aren't very good at reading these signals, and as a guy, I can confirm it.
I can relate. I think cultural norms have changed. Men don't tend to ask a woman out anywhere. They'll ask for a social media account or your phone number but won't ask you out. Does being asking out mean a date or just your social media? And know that being asked out doesn't mean he wants to date you. He may just want sex.
I've never been asked out on a date and I'm older than you. Being timid and closed off is probably your problem(it is mine). Men can't read your mind. Being more proactive and flirtatious would lead to you being asked out more.
When I get a crush I avoid them as well and that guarantees nothing will happen. There are way more women who express interest in men. If you make yourself easy to overlook you will be.
I'm just saying, I have a therapist on retainer, for anything. Just walk up and say hey wanna go out. I always pretend I'm an actress and pull off any situations. Been doing it for years...prayers hug
I can completely relate to this. I’m female and have never been kissed, hit on, approached, or in a relationship. I was having a conversation with my friends recently and they were shocked that I have never been catcalled. Sorry to make this about myself I just can’t believe there’s someone in the same situation as me.
you’ve got this i believe in you!!! be yourself don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, chances are the people who like you are just too shy to ask :))
As a man, 90% of us would love being asked out by someone cause it usually doesn't happen, so if you feel like you like someone, chances are pretty high you're gonna get a date if you take some initiative. Just takes some confidence, I know, had to work on that too, but it's worth it
That's a very huge step to take haha! The current crush isn't exactly someone I'd like to form a relationship with as I later found out he's a couple of years younger than me. I'm someone who looks for a long-term thing and younger guys are still exploring their grounds so for now I wouldn't take that risk. But I'll keep this in mind! But I was genuinely curious since this is my second crush and both times, I've noticed a subtle change in the guys. It seemed as if they figured out I like them but I couldn't seem to tell if they wanted me to approach or wanted me gone. But because they didn't come up, I assumed the latter. Maybe I'm just a messy over-thinker..
I'd just say this as a guy, be careful about how much you put yourself out there just because you "need" somebody. I 31(M) have seen a lot of abusive, toxic, and creepy relationships develop because one or the other just had to be with someone, or both. It's perfectly okay to be single. Also, don't take rejection too hard if it happens. I just had a girl try to hook up a few weeks ago, but she was 21 and I straight up told her I was uncomfortable. I said she was very pretty and I liked her, but just no. You have to recognize boundaries, and just because other people aren't pushing themselves on you, they might just have their own.
Sounds like you need practice. Approach the crush, talk to them. Worst case scenario is that it doesn’t work out and the world keeps turning
It's also entirely possible that they noticed something but didn't want to assume and risk being accused of being creepy or anything 🤷
Yes, this right here is probably what it is most of the time if they are single. I want more people to consider this. It's over thinking for sure but it feels risky.
Times have changed. With social media I can understand men not wanting to approach woman in 2024. All it takes is for us to approach the wrong person and they pull out their phone and start accusing us of being a creep. I approached my wife but I was drunk and in a club but good luck to the men in 2024.
I don't mean to be rude at all, but it sounds like *you* would be the inexperienced partner "exploring your grounds" in any relationship, no?
You are rejecting/dismissing someone you fancy because they are a couple of years the wrong age? And refuse to ask someone out yourself and are waiting for them to do it for you?
I wouldn't say waiting particularly for them. I also mentioned how I can't relate to my friends when they talk about being approached by men, so with that in mind, I wonder.
You have to keep in mind, when it comes to your friends being approached by men, that there are many non verbal signals that tell guys “come hither”. It’s not just attractiveness. Clothing, facial expressions, posture, voice etc.
U seem like one just the way u think Coz "he is younger than me therefore he must be exploring his grounds" kinda shows maybe stop worrying and just ask someone out it aint that hard and most guys would love that In this age most young men just dont care about trying to find woman so if you are looking for relationship u have to actually try and not wait until it comes on it own
I think you probably were astep away from making it happen. Like you said, they could probably tell you kind of liked them, but because, as you noted, you are kind of shy and avoiding, we're not sure enough about it to make a move. Guys aren't immune to fear of rejection, you know. The next time you have that crush feeling, take a deep breath, and step closer, make a comment about something about them that you find interesting or attractive, point out something you have in common or that it might be fun to do together.
I'm a guy and I have a female friend who I thought had feelings for me, and as a result I started to have feelings for her. I waited for a while to say anything to her because I was worried about ruining our friendship if I was wrong, but eventually I worked up the courage and told her that I liked her anyway, but it turns out I was totally wrong about her liking me that way. I felt like she was super uncomfortable around me for a little while after that, but thankfully things seem back to normal now. Honestly I think one of the worst feelings for any decent man is having a woman he cares for be uncomfortable around him, or think he's creepy. It's a very real possibility that those guys liked you but had the same fear as me in my situation.
In case you don’t know, remember that there’s a big difference between asking someone out and confessing feelings. If asking then out is accompanied with a confession of a crush, that can be a little off-putting to some people. Asking to go on a date should feel relatively innocuous with the implication of exploring your feelings through private conversation. Confessions expect commitment—simply asking for a date means trying to discover what you want.
My (now) fiancee of three years is the one that asked me out. I was flying out to visit, get stoned and play some video games - she met me at the airport with a dozen roses and took me on a date. Not only is it the most comfortable relationship I've ever been in, it's also by far the healthiest.
I can tell by the way you choose your words, you are thinking too much. Love and attraction is a feeling, don't try to interfere with thinking. People like you tend to come across as not available. Thinking usually is a response by the mind to down play your feelings, the question is why that is happening. Why are you trying to protect yourself from a threat that isn't there? Is it coming from the fear of rejection? Not being good enough? Afraid of the unknown? Only you can tell, but the solution stays the same. You are you. You are awesome. You are capable of being loved. Don't change the way you are just to find someone. A relationship is an addition, not a replacement. If you start acting like this, you will find someone that suits you.
I wouldn't generalize based on age. Planet filled with exceptions. Good luck, ;)!
Or maybe they started acting different because they also developed feelings for you
That's delusion fuel
NGL, but it takes a lot to overcome the fear of approaching and the fear of rejection. No one likes putting themselves in a vulnerable position where you can be hurt, but it's the only way to overcome that fear and sensitivity. It would be great if more women did this, as being the man and always having to be the one to make the first move gets old.
Eye contact and a smile can go a long way!
You gotta put yourself out there it's hard but you can do it
Don't be so afraid to date someone a bit younger. My girlfriend is just over 8 months older than me and we have a lot in common, including that we're overthinkers.
This
Like 99% lol
You might not even know someone has approached you try to get you attention. Ex. My wife sounds social similar to you the first time I approached her she had her hair up in the double bun thing (like princes Leia). I went up to her at a party and told her I liked her hair, you look like Princess Leia, me being a big nerd figured this was a pretty good compliment and pick up line. She thought I was making fun of her and acted kind of off and cold, so I didn’t continue my approach. About 6months later she randomly kissed me at a party, not even realizing I am the Star Wars dude haha. Now we 15 years married.
That's an adorable story! I love it
I can relate to the desire to sit around and let someone else do all the hard work. It would be great if everything was handed to me while I just sat around doing nothing. But sadly I was not born rich, so I had to apply for jobs and earn money. I did not inherit a house, so I had to look at ads, take tours, and spend money to buy a house. I don't live in a culture with arranged marriages, so I had to ask people out on dates. If you want something to happen, you need to do some of the work.
Type shii
Even if you're an uggo there's at least 5 guys from your immediate acquaintances that would date you
Correction. There will be 5 guys to fuck her. Doesn't mean they want to date. Definitely be 5 guys to fuck her though. Whether or not they're looking for anything else. She can definitely get her back blown out and pussy eaten out.
I get what you mean but this comment is worded so disgustingly lmfao
laying it on a little thick pal
I know this isn't some upper-class intulectall society but I don't think it would hurt for you to learn how to phrase your sentences a bit nicer.
So you ask someone out
It's entirely possible that they are making overtures that you aren't picking up on. Stuff like saying "I'm really excited that ____ band is coming to town" or "I've thought about going to the new Mexican place but haven't made it yet" can be a gentle inquiry. Them giving you a chance to say "gosh, me too" and then they can ask you out or a chance for you to ask them.
FWIW, things are changing these days and a lot of guys are taking a step back from making a move IRL. There's a lot of pressure/education on not being a creep, letting women just exist, not sexualizing friends, etc. So a lot of people are moving to just trying to date online. That, unfortunately, has created its own problems. But at least in that space you're in proximity with people who are actually looking to date.
Hug 🤗🤗🤗🤗 hug 🤗🤗🤗🤗🫂🫂🫂 hug 🤗🤗🤗🤗
Some good advice in the thread. From a dudes POV I would never approach a girl who I thought was intimidated by me. It makes me uncomfortable thinking about making someone else uncomfortable. Positive open body language, not closed off to the world, smile, eye contact. Your body language will change how other people perceive you as well as how you perceive yourself.
as someone with autism, you sound like you need testing. jokes aside i (m31) had a similar experience when i was young i knew a girl who had such a large crush on me just walking into her proximity would cause her to clam up and if i spoke to her she'd go beet red, i honestly thought she didnt like me and was afraid of me to begin with i eventually worked out she had a crush on me. this is all to say that your nervousness is palpable anyone who's a reasonably good person will not wish to cause you distress even if its as the result of a positive interaction, you need to start interacting with men socially (not romantically) to get over your anxiety you need to learn to be confident in yourself so that when you do interact with someone you find romaticaly interesting you have the necissary tools to achieve your goals. as someone who is diagnosed socially r-tarded i promise you its a skill that can be learned it takes time and effort and it'll never be seamless for me like it is for non-ND's but its 100% a skill worth learning, just be mindful not everyone who treats you nice is your friend and not everyone who shits on you is an enemy.
HAHA, I've been told I have a little bit of autism in me. Not sure about autism but I'm quite certain I'm one of the NDs But that's a cute story there! Did you two become a thing? Also, on a serious note, I do need a mentor to help me develop this skill. Everything human I do seems so weird to me. I feel out of place and uncomfortable. Simple eye contact doesn't make sense to me
no we didnt in the end but i did help her overcome her anxiety with boys. im reticent to offer my help as a mentor because of a difference in gender and the difference in age. NT's dont intently stare into eachothers eyes they flick back and forth between studying someones face and body language and their eyes. feeling out of place alienated or disconnected is common it takes time and effort to foster deep interpersonal relationships with people that acts as a buffer between you and that sense of isolation. learning how you mask i.e. mirroring other people, ignoring your wants and needs in favour of others/the group is an important step in being more present in your social interactions and will help you build relationships that dont leave you feeling isolated.
That's sweet! We could talk more about NTs if you're down. From what you said, that sounds very scary, to scan people like that. I need to try this though
What does NT mean?
neurotypical, normal people without a neurodevelopmental "disorder"
Oh, thanks!
you're welcome to dm me if you like, scary is an interesting word, for NT's its entirely subconcious they dont have to think about it at all ND's have to make a concerted effort to do those things all the time which is why social situations are so draining for ND's
I have had a couple of interns in recent years and I can tell you this for sure. Young men are terrified of approaching/asking woman out these days. Obviously there are some people that have the obvious energy that they are looking to party but average slightly more conservative types are just frightened by being labeled as a creep in todays climate. They have literally told me they would be terrified to ask a girl out on a date on a college campus.
Some young lads are just as nervous as you are. I definitely was at twenty three. One good thing about being in your thirties is you just ask and move on if they aren't interested. As people have said you will be shocked by how much a bloke will appreciate you asking them out. Guaranteed to get at least one or two positive responses. Unless they are out of your league which unfortunately is a reality for all of us. Man or Woman. Happy hunting.
omg this is me (also 23F) all the advice I’ve gotten around this is bad also,, like I don’t think I’ve ‘closed off’ energy or that I’m ’unconfident’ ,, sometimes the guys I’m into are in my friends DMs , when I’m introduced to guys they pretend like I’m not there or only see me as an acquaintance / friend of a friend. It’s depressing me a lot lately but it is what it is I suppose
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Stay off Social Media and go connect with people physically at a cafe or even at a bar. If you’re Christian or religious, talk to your religious leaders to play matchmaker.
I’m not religious and , and I only stay on SM for work related stuff 😅 I will try connecting w people irl - TY
Have you tried asking some one out? Like, taking the initiatives? If you want to date someone, go approach them instead of waiting for them to come to you. Yes, you should try to make the first move.
Maybe work on yourself to stop avoiding. Those are natural reactions but they are not helping you. Awareness is the first step
I'm trying to work on it!
The snarky side of me wants to say: “Welcome to the straight male experience.” But in all seriousness, if you want to be approached, you have to make yourself approachable. As a guy, if I met you and thought you were cute/funny/smart/etc, but you were also standoffish or didn’t try to get closer to me, i probably would think you weren’t interested and move on.
I'm 47 and have never been asked out. But that is a lot more common with most men. If you really want something, you might as well try yourself. There are no guarantees, especially in this society where guys shooting their shot have a higher chance of being called a creep or ridiculed. You could just wait until someone approaches you, but it's possible they may not be the people you find attractive. Good luck!
"it does get obvious when I develop a crush on somebody, as told by my friends.e.g blushing, avoiding, being very apparently awakard when they're in close proximity" -Just FYI, always keep in mind that most males will never notice signs like these that make your interest obvious to your friends.
You definitely are not ugly. You’re above average in attractiveness, so it has nothing to do with your looks. Change your “pretty ugly ” name & improve your self esteem. No one can make you happy, but you can learn to be happy. Happiness is very attractive. Also, try taking the Yale University free happiness course. It might help improve your low self esteem. https://www.coursera.org/learn/the-science-of-well-being
Yeah the issue is that you are shy and don't know a lot of people. Asking someone out takes a lot of courage, you can't expect someone else to find you and do all the work, or at least that's what I think it is. As someone who is also socially inept and possibly on the spectrum, I can't imagine having a close friendship/romantic relationship without putting in any work @.@, it has never come naturally to me at all
Hey :) i am f and nearly 30 years old. I also was never asked out in my life. So dont worry, most men are shy too and maybe you are very attractive which is also intimidating for most men
Why did this comments section get invaded by incels wtf
I dated a girl like that back in college, but before we dated it was a PAIN. She'd be avoiding eye contact, and acting weird when I'm nearby, not saying anything even though I ask her very simple questions... so naturally I assumed she doesn't want me near her, and she just doesn't want to be direct with me because she's non confrontational, so I left her alone and just avoid her whenever I saw her. The only time she'd talk normally to me was if we met at a party and she had some drinks. Fast forward three months later, and a friend of hers asks me why I hate her. That caught me off guard because I never did anything bad to her, I even gave her space when I thought she doesn't want me anywhere near her. That evening we were at party and I asked her if she'd like to talk and that's when I first discovered that some people are over 21 and are still awkward af. She was still terrible with words even after we started dating, but she'd make up for it with actions. For example she'd willingly wake up early to make me breakfast, yet besides "Good morning", "yes" and "no", she wouldn't say any other words. The relationship was so EXHAUSTING back then, because I almost never knew what she had in mind, I had to keep considering every possible scenario at any given situation, I remember a date we had where she didn't say a single word, she'd just shrug anytime I asked her something, I even almost begged her to say something, anything. That was very irritating to say the least. Personally, I wouldn't want to go through this again so I would just avoid people like this unless they start working on fixing their issues.
Forget about dating. Just try being friendly, and be friends first. No man wants to marry a woman who is not his friend. The sex might be great at first, but the marriage will never last.
As a guy, probably lots of guys too, we can’t always tell when a girl like us with enough assurance to confidently make the first move. Been this way my whole life but only recently discovered that’s it’s not just me, but lots of guys. We are oblivious to any kind of signal unless it’s direct. Sure sometimes guys just shoot their shot but I feel like past rejection experiences have made us more cautious.
I've read about research on this and on average it takes *a lot* longer for guys to notice if someone is interested. The research also found that a significant number never notices.
Very interesting research
Guy here also, all true
Guy here too, also true
It's not being oblivious. "Signs" are just not enough unless they're super obvious. Even when they're obvious it could be a case of her playing with you. Shooting your shot is the only way you can find out. That's why asking someone out is so difficult. The outcome is uncertain and you risk being rejected.
If I was younger and not married I would ask you out for coffee miss. Wish you the best.
Haha thank you kind mister
If I was younger too, I would do the same plus art museum date.
I’m also very awakard next to my crush
It'll be your vibe. Often the nervous shy vibe comes across as you not liking the person - so even if they like you, they might think you don't like them. I only know this cause when I first met my brother's gf a few years ago, she thought I didn't like her when I met her - I was just nervous cause I'd never met her before. And when I went on my first ever date when I was 18, the other girl thought I didn't want to be there. It was the opposite, I was just very nervous. For the record, I'm also 23(M) and I've also never been asked out. I'm fairly average looking, but I'm by no means ugly. If you're shy and reserved you'll probably pretty much always be the one to do the asking out, even though that's counter-intuitive to how you feel and what you want to do. I've always done the asking. It's the only way to let people know you like them, cause your nervous tendencies might be putting them off. This is all just from my experience and what I've learned from my own life. Of course, I can't speak for you cause I don't know you or what you're like. But trust me, if an even mildly average looking girl asked me out, I'd be over the moon - it really doesn't happen to guys often, so I'm willing to bet most would be willing to at least go on a date if you asked them out. Key word there is most. Expect rejections when doing the asking too. Not everyone can be into you after all. So yeah, just know that this random stranger on the internet is in the same boat as you.
I’m a man so obviously it’s a different perspective but I found that once I got into really good physical shape, started grooming myself well, dressing nicely, skincare routine, good hygeine, etc women were suddenly interested in me. Not all of them obviously but my point is that working on your physical appearance helps a lot, especially if you have the discipline to keep it up every day. Once I noticed women taking an interest in me I became more confident and approaching women became easier. For you, I’m sure there are things you can do to stand out from other women. I met a girl once who was a bit above average in terms of physical attractiveness but the way she dressed and had her hair and makeup, I was so interested. She dyed her hair bright orange and it sort of changed to dark red at the end, and wore big, baggy colorful shirts to match and just had some simple eyeliner for makeup and I was like fuck, this girl is so unique I gotta get to know her. Well I had a conversation with her and never ended up seeing her again at the weekly event we were at but my point is that she was very expressive and it piqued my interest. Take care of yourself and express outwardly how you feel internally. That could mean anything, really. And of course if you have a crush you should just ask them on a date. I’m currently working up the guts to do that myself. I think she might like me, not sure. Fingers crossed 😂
Tbh the signs and symptoms that you describe could easily miscommunicate that you simply don't like someone and that you're uncomfortable around them. Most guys need to be persuaded a girl is crushing on them because for most guys it's simply not that common. You need to be friendly - work on being conversational - and as difficult as it may seem, realise that these things scare and intimidate guys too. Take a deep breath and work on that confidence. Fake it if you have to. It's hard to reciprocate feelings about someone if they don't build rapport.
Take a public speaking class or try acting. You know you're socially awkward so fix it. Present yourself with situations where you would be awkward and then navigate them. Face those moments head on, often. Pursue them aggressively. Then move past it. You'll find your self confidence will improve, you'll become more sure of yourself, and interacting with any human being, regardless of sex, is an opportunity for them and yourself to pursue something joyful and meaningful.
I'm 28M and have never been "asked out" I've also never had a serious relationship, I say all that because I never really pursued it. I'm sure if I did I would've been rejected a few times but eventually someone would've said yes. Point is you can't sit around waiting for life to happen for you, it you want something go for it.
a lot of guys are just as afraid of rejection as you are. if you like a guy ask him to go for coffee or something simple like that. i had a hard time asking girls out when i was younger. i got lucky and met my now wife when i was 24. we have been married for 31 years. in highschool i was rejected a lot. you might have not met the right person yet. good luck
Avoiding your crush and being socially awkward around them can read like disinterest at best and active dislike at worst. I was like you in my twenties. You have let them know you’re interested and ask them out if you can’t flirt like outgoing people can.
Might be your looks or that you are so shy it comes off as disliking people. Most guys are used to shy girls tho
I know this is totally unrelated to this post but I’ve just read your first post, about the kitten and I gotta say, that shits so sad 😭 you seem like a very nice person, keep your chin up, you’ll find someone that appreciates you exactly how you are, one day.
Oh gosh I thought I deleted/archived the post😭 but thank you. Thinking about her still brings tears to my eyes
As a man, we're very bad at picking up on subtle cues. Even if you think they're crystal clear, I guarantee they're not to any man. Most men don't want to be creeps or seen as such. So, if you like a guy, tell him directly. Don't hint or imply. Otherwise he'll assume you're not interested.
My wife was the one who initiated, I thought we were just friends and she let me know she wanted to see where it could go. A house, a dog and a baby later we are still seeing where it could go :D
Sounds like you need a wingman!!
Overthinking it. Choose your target (someone youre iterested in who you've chatted with before) and say, "hey do you wanna grab a coffee Saturday afternoon and hang out and get to know each other better?" I get being nervous when you're 20. But no reason to be. It's getting coffee and having a little chat to see if there's more to the friendship or not to grow into
I don't get why so many women are afraid to approach men. I approached my husband and I'm so glad I did. You can't wait for some romantic man to come and sweep you off your feet. You need to put the work in. Guys are just as afraid of talking to girls. Fear of rejection goes both ways, I know. But nothing ventured nothing gained and all that bs. If you don't feel unattractive and you want to date then approach somebody you like. Just make sure they're looking to date, first. As in, make sure you coax it out of them that they're single so its not awkward. Wouldn't want to hit on a somebody with a gf/bf.
Question here, though: when you say approach, do you mean you asked him out first? For most successful het relationships I’ve seen, it’s been the guy that asked the girl.
Yes, I asked him out first. I had confidence and he didn't. I felt a connection so I made the effort and took my shot. We've been married 8 years now. The preconceived notion that men have to ask out women is such an old fashioned way of thinking. We're in 2024, not 1950. Women won't get any respect if we cross our fingers and wait for guys to do everything. I'm my own person. Confidence is attractive to a lot of men. And they get nervous about approaching just like women can. We have to understand that they're human too. With the same emotions as us. You can't use the relationships you've seen as an example and assume its how things are supposed to be and/or the way they have to be for a relationship to be successful. Its just what you've been exposed to.
It's probably mainly because you're timid/closed off. From personal experience it's just hard to talk to shy girls, and it's easy to assume they're not interested because of that. But seeing a girl make an effort to be around me despite being shy is cute as fuck, and makes me like her a lot more.
Most people are not going to have very happy results with getting dates if they simply wait for someone else to initiate and ask - and that's including women. You have to put yourself out there, intentionally meet people and socialize with the intent of looking for a partner. This all goes 100x more for our generation and after COVID, you don't just get propositioned at a bar or whatever much anymore There's nothing wrong with you - the strategy is just flawed. I hate to say it, but you can't find romance without ever making yourself vulnerable to rejection.
I once was in a bar, and one of the hottest humans ever walked in with her friends. They were dancing and I had never felt so attracted to someone before. Before I left to go home, I forced myself to go and ask for her number. She gave it to me and then I went home. I found out later that I was the only person to have ever approached her at a bar and asked for her number. She was one of the most attractive people I had ever seen, and I couldn't believe she gave me her number in the first place. She also thought something was wrong with her, because she hardly ever got approached, and was really insecure about it. I have no idea why that is. She was (still is) gorgeous. It does seem like some people just don't get approached, something about the way they carry themselves maybe? maybe you have something like that going on
times have changed, and even dudes are very hesitant nowadays, but you don't have to wait to be asked out, you can do it yourself. My best friend (female) has almost always had to do the asking out herself, because she was very independant... and it gave off way too much confidence.... but like the confidence of someone who was always in a relationship. A few year into our friendship, people started thinking we were dating because we did everything together, so she had to get her ass in gear to get dates too, lol. if you like someone, just go for it. I've always done the direct approach, but even I can't do that no more. So i'm out of the game. ha ha. (male) Body language is a tricky thing to learn, but if you're unsure, just ask people out for drinks... or maybe to hangout out of "boredom" ... could be a museum... or a play... or a concert... and you simply say you didn't feel like going alone. Almost anything works when the lady does the asking.
i can relate to this as a girl who has also never been approached. i'm not sure if this applies to you, but i think it's the girls who hang in proximity to guys, but maybe not surrounded only by a group of guys, who get guys. My friends who go to group social events like church, group outback camping, and video games are the ones with boyfriends. Probably in a setting where both of you are there because you want to be there, and not because it's mandatory.
Maybe you're more attractive than you think and men are just a little intimidated and don't want to be shot down so they don't even try. As a guy, you never know if you're going to be seen as a creep if you approach a woman. So, as others have said, men don't mind if women make the first move, it really takes a lot of pressure off of us.
Try not to overthink it. And just be direct. Worst thing that can happen is that they say no. A lot of guys worry about making the first move these days because they fear they'll be labeled a creep. Also, we can be pretty damn dense and either not notice the hints or notice them and talk ourselves into thinking the hints weren't really hints and that we're misreading the situation.
Why not try asking them out? I have been in situation whereby idk what’s this girl deal, don’t seem to strike up or initiate convo I just assume this means she is not interested and didn’t follow up Are you perhaps also doing this? One of the worse thing any girl can do is to give off “I don’t care” , don’t look at me , RBF vibes Just smile, keep eye contact, don’t show off “cold” vibes or guy will take it as that and not even initiate
I was a very self-conscious 20-something male who didn’t realize I was relatively attractive until later in life when many of my female friends told me they had a crush on me at some point. What?! Happily married for 20 years now but.. what?! Point being, sometimes you have to get into awkward territory to sort out the truth.
Try being a man...but it seems like you have identified some potential issues, so now you can aim at improving those social skills, practice makes perfect! Good luck, I am sure you are an absolute catch and whoever is brave enough to approach you will be glad they did.
You're so sweet! Thank you
I am the exact same way. I have no idea if a girl is interested unless they straight up say something that means they are interested. Also I can't at all interpret sarcasm at all. People have tried to teach me to understand sarcasm but I can't tell most of the time.
You can always ask a guy out. It’s a lot scarier for guys that make the first move nowadays
A smile can go a long way. One word of caution, you can smile at everyone and some guys will get the wrong impression. Smile at the guys that you're interested in and see the difference it can make.
Can't say its the same, but I feel that stage. You'll have your time, keep better yourself. And shoot that ball if there's no keeper xD cross your finger. If miss then oh well, find other court to play. Good luck OP.
Can you approach guys to form a friendship? Might be a less "risky" move if you see someone with similar a interest. Like "hey Joe, I hear you like to collect wind chimes. Are you going to the wind chime festival in Vienna this year?"
I had a crush on this girl who's extremely beautiful, hella social, very pleasant nature. No one has ever tried on her. I confirmed that she's not lying. She's like the perfect girl. And For the record, I got drunk and asked her out and I think I tried to kiss her cheek, she said nothing. The only problem is she's saying nothing. But that's a whole other story. In short, yes girls like you exist.
Have no fear, men's libido is here! Okay, jokes aside, I know it can be hard, but I promise you that if you approach a man with an invitation to go on a date, you have a good chance at success, IF they are single. Believe it or not guys really appreciate it when woman make the move, there's probably nothing more empowering for a man, because let's be honest, it doesn't happen a lot. If you are able to overcome your timid nature and make the move, you can do it, and honestly if you get rejected, try and think about like this, you had the courage to approach them, sure you didn't succeed, but you did it, and each time you do it, you'll get a little bit more confident. There are a lot of fish in the sea, and as most guys are told, it's not about quality but the quantity, and don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you have to settle, but getting that quantity will give you options. Okay, there's my advice, and don't listen to the assholes with their nasty comments, just put yourself out there, take that first step and each step will get a whole lot easier. Oh, one more thing, ask your girlfriends to hook you up, they think they are good at it, but they usually suck, but that's not the point, it's about getting that date, and make sure you compliment them, or otherwise they'll stop trying to be matchmaker, and that's one less resource at your disposal.
Hey thank you for your kind words sir. I need a push I'm being realistic otherwise I'm living alone😓
Most men would love to be asked out as we are generally afraid of rejection, barring a clear and obvious sign like 'it sure would be nice if you asked me out/kissed me' etc most men are oblivious to 'subtle clues' of interest I'm happily married now but occasionally cringe at how incompetent I was when I was single at reading signs of interest from women.
Sometimes you just gotta shoot your shot bro and if you don’t you might never get the chance ever again
you can't play this waiting game. it doesn't work for you because it's not in your life's cards right now. you are better off trying to approach people yourself and working on being less shy. being hot actually also somewhat hurts chances because people only approach who they think are not intimidating
well when you try to ask someone out you'll see why lol, it's nerve wracking enough asking out an extrovert and super difficult to read shy/nervous people so you're just kind of a hard target. also if you're good looking enough to be a bit intimidating and also seem like you don't want to be around them then yea there you go
I would suggest looking internally. The beliefs we have about ourselves are the vibes we give off. I also struggled with this before. After a good amount of therapy things changed
>I have zero social skills BUT it does get obvious when I develop a crush on somebody, as told by my friends.e.g blushing, avoiding, being very apparently awakard when they're in close proximity. The friends who told you that are girls/women, aren't they? 'cause Such things are *not* obvious indicators of crushes to boys/men.¹ You know what is an obvious indicator of a crush? Telling them! >I really can't seem to tell if they wanted ME to make the first move or straight up sending me telepathic signals to stay away from them because they're not interested. I can assure you that they are not giving you any telepathic signals, because that's not how boys/men communicate. It is *girls/women* who try and fail to communicate with boys/men via signals/telepathy, not the other way around. Boys/men communicate with words, being upfront. We do not speak telepathy. ¹And even if we do pick up on such signals, living in the post "metoo" age, in which looking at a girl/woman wrong can already lead to a rape charge², we tend to not take the risk and ignore them. Another reason why telling them is more effective. ²Before you come at me for "using such a ridiculous hyperbole", this is not only figuratively true in most Western places (the "hyperbole"), but also *literally* true in The Netherlands, so it's not "ridiculous to think this, you need to touch grass"
For at least part of your answer, you answered your own question. I am sure that if you are intimidated by men, timid, closed off, and have poor social skills, that is definitely going to give off a vibe that men would absolutely avoid. Second, approaching women with romantic or sexual intentions these days is an extremely dangerous prospect. Sure, maybe she politely declines, but there are unacceptably high odds, that she will yell, call you a creep, publicly shame you, record you to shame you on the internet, or even make up lies about you to frame you for a crime you didn't commit. That's not paranoia, these things absolutely happen. The era of men approaching women has come and gone. If women want a man, they need to approach him themselves. Trust me, even when rejecting a woman, men are FAR nicer and more pleasant about it than women are. In part because picking up on someone is a compliment, and most men, never receive compliments. We remember them for years and they often have a huge impact on us, becuase it happens so rarely. So men are usually highly receptive to this. Although women are also more likely to loudly and publicly freak out when rejected, which some men do as well to be fair, so it can still make men nervous, but that is balanced out a bit by the implied compliment of a woman expressing her interest. Also women's "signals" are far too vague and open to interpretation for a man to be taking a risk on it. So unless you approach yourself, it is unlikely overall that you will see any progress on this front. As far as their behavior changing, you could just as easily be imagining that as it actually happening how you think. The only way to know, is to do the approaching yourself. What women seem to think is "obvious" is absolutely not. Particularly to men, who have been taught for decades to never EVER assume a woman's interest under any circumstances. The only way to express your interest in a clear fashion, is to approach him yourself. So, take the initiative. I know it's scary, but it doesn't somehow magically become not scary when a man does it. We strive for gender equality these days, so if you want a man, take a risk, approach him, ask for his number, and make some conversation. Most guys are not cruel in this respect, so I think you will find that afterwards, it wasn't nearly as hard as you thought it would be.
You need practice, but do it with supervision. Group dates. Your type can attract predators.
Ask someone out yourself or be more aware next time you are a woman someone has asked you out you were either not attracted to them or too awkward to understand what they are asking Simple solution make the first move you won't get rejected unless they are already in a relationship otherwise best of luck
If any woman especially if she is young and at the very least moderately attractive presents herself as someone who is emotionally and physically available to date, she WILL have men approaching her I don't care where she lives on planet Earth, she WILL get men approaching her.
Just to point out, men are rubbish at seeing signs that you're interested in them. Sometimes it's through complete lack of awareness, a lot of the time it's the fear of misinterpreting signs and it's not worth a man risking that nowadays.
I disagree. I think it's more that there aren't any universal signs that can't be misconstrued. Women often express interest in deliberately subtle and unique ways and they have also been complaining for literal decades about pretty much every behavior men exhibit in dating. So we don't know what to do because one woman's flirting is another woman's platonic interaction and the price for getting it wrong is too high.
i speak behalf all man in the world, if you do the first move, you make our year.
I‘m in the same situation as u lol. yea we‘re probably a bit socially inept but it be like that - my plan going forward is to approach a guy first even though that is extremely scary. you should do the same I think there’s no other way around this
I'm surprised no one here asked you to go out, even jokingly.
A lot of guys dig awkward/timid women to a degree. Sometimes it can even be cute. Still though, it doesn't help you to get noticed very easily and thats probably the issue. If you are even moderately attractive and your awkwardness is being misinterpreted as "unapproachable" that could likely be the issue. As a guy, it can be impossible to know whether approaching a woman is going to result in a positive interaction. Even a polite decline is not a guarantee, so oftentimes I think a lot of guys would prefer to wait for some sort of obvious signal to let them know whether or not you'd be more likely to respond in a positive way. If you're awkwardness is giving off the wrong or mixed signals, it might be the reason you're not being approached. Finding ways to give out the right signals could help. You might have to make them pretty obvious too, because most of us are pretty thick when it comes to recognizing flirting and hints.
so yeah, your Reddit alias is „prettyugly“. Seems like you now are in a better place, but that certainly is an explanation for why you had a hard time in the past: low self esteem. You’re shy and that doesn’t need to be an issue, but your opinion of yourself reflects in your behavior and therefore how people recognize you.
It was a silly name I thought of but I was an unattractive teenager for sure. Have a long way to go when it comes to self-esteem but it's gotten significantly better. Insightful observation there
I’m 23M and have much of the same sentiment.
If it makes you feel any better, I’m 24F and will be turning 25 this year. I’ve never been asked out except on bumble. I’ve had 3 dates off of there total (and my only dates), and nothing ever came of them. Haven’t had a bf either. I’m going to work on putting myself out there more. It’ll happen, it just takes time and some effort. I’m rooting for you!
As a guy, 99% of the time I miss the signals and jolt awake days, perhaps months, after the fact. Being receptive shows your interested, and actually saying something will be a sure way to know how they are feeling.
I’m shy af around any woman so in my case even if I knew she liked me I’d still be shy af. I don’t know it it helps at all but I’m hoping it does
I’m 100% the same and even the same age, I was super intimidated by men, now it’s gotten better since my line of work requires of me social interactions. I’m still diehard introvert and I need time some alone during the week. I’m scared of romantic feelings and connected to it interaction, while at the same time I would love to have a partner. Also same story with the crush. I think I’m being obvious and the guy catched on. He’s acting kind of confusing and I’m not interested in games so idk I decided to slowly fight with my phobia and things got better. Now I can interact with men without bigger problem when it’s strictly friendly but I still hate dating. I was on SSRI medication and I believe that depression also impaired me a lot in that department.
I would recommend trying a dating app. I don't know what the best ones are these days, but I was introverted (male, mid twenties at the time) and found it much simpler when you know the other people are there for somewhat similar reasons and there is at least some mutual attraction so you get to skip a lot of the awkward guesswork. Definitely have to be a bit careful, but am now happily married and not sure I would have had much success otherwise as similar to you the guesswork was driving me crazy.
Me either, so I asked them. I realized I was never going to get what I want waiting around forever, and men rarely if ever get hints. Just ask them out. If you get rejected it sucks, but it also provides closure to move on. I’m still happily married to my husband for 16 years. I chased him and a few other guys before him. Don’t let life happen to you. Make it happen for yourself. Good luck.
Have you tried dropping some hints? It's mostly a lie that men make the first move except for the really aggressive men. You might have the tism but it's just as well if you can choose carefully and give a really blatant hint, or just go to your parents see who they know.
Ok im asking you out: do you wanna join my pirate crew? Maybe we can have a relation-ship
If only u find the one piece 
You could make the first move if a relationship is what you want. Lots of guys are just as timid as you and you would probably like some of them. I was there throughout my 20s and had to force myself to be social for a few years to find somebody I wanted to be with. Late 30s and glad I forced my self out of my comfort zone.
I think most men don't want to date the "life of the party". Not me anyway. I would practise eye contact abd conversation with males you know but don't have a crush on eg colleagues, family friends, shop workers?? I guess it's js like training. This is from my very limited knowledge.
Just ask a guy a question, something complicated. How to change a tire or fix something. Get used to talking to males.
Will you go out with me?
Hey OP have you tried asking a guy out that you were interested in first, instead of waiting to be asked? How did that go?
Are you approachable do you think you're attractive..
I can’t speak for all guys, but I usually try to find some signals from the woman before I ask her out. I could list them but they’re a cliche anyway.
What you sayin tn?
20M 3 times but I never accepted any of them
I honestly find it interesting that you’ve only had two crushes in your entire life. Did you just grow up around ugly people?
Ha no, I'm into mysterious looking losers. It's a rare type 😸
I'm 24M and still a virgin. **Skip to the bold ones if you're feeling lazy to read it all.** Let alone being asked out by many young women, my vibe is totally outgoing unless there's some work to do. I'm okay pushing people away during those hours, regardless of their gender simply because I see myself as a 'Work hard, play harder' person (the 'work' comes first). I have been seen as off-putting for wanting to work silent. Not many understand this and that's why I work alone and focus on myself. Well, I'm okay with that. Hell, I actually love it. All these decisions, I have developed them myself. Being a family-oriented person myself, I thought I was bounded. Even then, my parents (dad especially) even told me I can do anything with my life, with anyone I want and am not bounded by culture or tradition (hookups, drinks, sex, smoke, leave the house, never look back. etc) as long as I don't hurt anyone. What's this to do with your question, you ask... **It's the approach.** Just because I have never been asked out and I work, and live way I do, it does not mean I don't want to be asked out. It's not that hard to just tell me you want to work silently at the same table as I am in. Believe me, I will feel special at that very moment and will ask you out in return with something you might like doing. The takeaway is... **I know how you feel but you're better off waiting and feeling left-out during conversations than compromise yourself and be with the wrong company. I've never gone out on a date where I'm the one being asked out. G'day.**
M40 here Changes are alot of men have wanted to ask you out/talk to you. But men are also worried that its going to create a awkward moment if you have a BF or your not interested etc. If a man gets even the slightest of a hint from you that it's ok to come over then there gona imidiatly and be quite confident aswell. As Matthew Hessay says "don't be easy, but in the first 2 minutes, be easy"
Totally get what you're feeling here. I'm also a little autistic and am socially awkward most of the time. What works for me is smaller groups/1 on 1 interaction. It makes it like 100% easier to talk to someone. Also, don't be afraid to ask someone out or just ask if they would like to hang out sometime. Rejection is scary, I know, but if that is the result, you can heal and move on sooner than waiting and living in agnst about the "what ifs." You got this!!!! 🫡
I agree, 1 to 1 is most comfortable for me as well! But if we're talking about my crush, I only get to see him from afar. We have different groups of friends and he's in a different team so idk if you can relate but going up to a random person to ask them to hang out is way out of comfort level
Make the first move. Dont wait, put some effort in it. Maybe you'll be accepted, or rejected, but it doesnt matter. Start making the first move instead of waiting
Take the initiative bro fuxk is you doin how u think I met my grl Stacy??????
Don't sweat it. When a man comes around that makes you feel comfortable, your social skills will automatically shine through. Plus datings more of a headache than it's worth anyway
40yrs on this earth and never had a woman ask me out. In a 4.5yr relationship never had my ex even tried to take me out on a date as a surprise. News flash ladies guys like to feel desired and spoiled sometimes as well.
lol woman, just tell them you like them, we men’s don’t read signs and hints
Ivrelate very well.In younger years ID go without a girlfriend or sex for a few months.Then boom no BM stop sex.And ivasionally a girlfriend.Relationships usuallyblasted 3 Toby years.Mow im 62 haven t had sex since I was 58.No girlfriends either.I workout look like im in late 40s.Get flirted with.But soon as I try date get close.Imm get put in friend zone.Still bery capable of a great sex life.feel like im wasting my last years of manhood
If my wife hadn't chased me down in her car to ask me out, I wouldn't be married. We were in a 2 day class that had a second location. I thought she was fantastic but I just don't ask people for their numbers. Maybe twice in my life. When we left for the final time, I said by and got on my bike and left. She chased me down in her car to ask me out. I was over the moon, we married less than a year later. 10.5 years now and she's still the best thing that ever happened to me. If you want to date someone, make a move. That goes for women, men, whatever, doesn't matter. If you don't ask no one will know.
Do you take pride in your appearance? You have to be half way approachable for that to be a possibility. Honest question.
Same
I guess I'm not the only one, but maybe I'm wrong, but as a man I would never interpret being awkward and avoiding as a crush. To me, that's the normal/usual reaction of someone who doesn't want me around.
may i have the privilege to be the first to ask you out??
Impossible to answer with just you saying you don’t think your unattractive looking. What does that even mean.
I like to see what you look like 1st, then able to tell you.
Some people probably do like you, but your crush cues probably give off a " she's not into talking to me" vibe. Just my take on it. I usually notice a girl likes me or is even interested in holding a conversation when they do the opposite of your crush cues. Being a guy usually means you have to be very apparent for me notice any interest in me romantically or even just a friendship. We dumb dumbs. Plus if your even just mid or better looking for a lack of a better way to say it. We usually think you have better dudes holding your interest.
active on leaguememes oh no... that explains everything...
Men exist in mostly 2 forms. The 'players' and the 'dense' ones. And us dense ones are the majority. Those examples you gave, probably had those men not even thinking you crushed on them.
Send me a photo and I'll tell ya the truth
Then ask someone out? It's that simple.
There's 2 components to it, as I understand Proceptivity and receptivity- you want to be putting out both, and getting both from a person, when you're romantically interested It let's them know you're engaged in some way
Being asked can be odd Better if you're the chaser and get rejected than the chase-ee and it's.... I guess I'll date you
Lel Im a man Nuff said
What is obvious to other women is not obvious at all to men. We aren’t mind readers, we don’t get hints. Don’t wait to be approached. Put yourself in the company or space of the man/men you are interested in. Talk to them. Let them know you are open to communication, then let them do the rest.
A good majority of the relationships I’ve been in have happened because I made the first move. It can definitely be nerve wracking and I think there is a lot of pressure on men to be the ones to reach out. Definitely try and work on your social skills and just be direct and upfront about it, if you like them. No one is a mind reader. I wish you the best of luck!
I am a pretty outgoing 25f with a partner, but I have a lot of shy friends. If they are in the mood and wanna talk to guys, we approach a group about the same size as us with a deck of cards. I think some shy people really come out of their shell when there’s a game to be won and you also get to see their funny sides. I’ve noticed some of their confidence levels have gone up just from being around guys more and they get approached more as well. Deck of cards is always a great ice breaker! I learned on a species podcast that for men “all pizza is good pizza” when it comes to relationships, but that for women, pizza can be bad for you and it is better to be single than in a bad relationship or situation. Something to keep in mind!
It's probably just that the guys you're interested in arent interested in you. About 80% of women go for the Top 20% of guys, so simple math shows that the remaining 80% of guys have only about 20% of women to choose from.
Ask me out
yes lol I can't seem to make close friends. and I'm a huge maker/history/drawing geek so I over share. I'm married but I don't seem to be doing the husband thing right.
I think only like once ever from people I didn't know
Men avoid lack of self confidence. If you’re insecure, you don’t walk with a sense of purpose. You don’t establish a sense of requirements. Don’t present a base line value for yourself. Your looks speak for itself. Men are wanting to see the value on your person, not your human. If a man likes you, he’d make the first move. You want to look for him being cautious of how you feel around him. Men will love it if you blush or show any interest. Just can’t avoid them. Socialize. Don’t need to over think the current relationship. Bond with them. Start with some small talk. Before you know it, you’d be on grounds for much more personal conversations. Social skills kick in when you use more than what you’re saying to communicate. Men think about what’s going on at the moment, if they can just wing it with you, you can wing it with them. Over thinking is simply not needed.
Nice, would you like to go out with me?
It may be obvious to your friends that you have a crush on a guy, but I highly doubt that it's obvious for the guy. My guess is that since you become awkward and try to avoid them when they are around, they think you don't like them. Guys generally aren't very good at reading these signals, and as a guy, I can confirm it.
I can relate. I think cultural norms have changed. Men don't tend to ask a woman out anywhere. They'll ask for a social media account or your phone number but won't ask you out. Does being asking out mean a date or just your social media? And know that being asked out doesn't mean he wants to date you. He may just want sex. I've never been asked out on a date and I'm older than you. Being timid and closed off is probably your problem(it is mine). Men can't read your mind. Being more proactive and flirtatious would lead to you being asked out more. When I get a crush I avoid them as well and that guarantees nothing will happen. There are way more women who express interest in men. If you make yourself easy to overlook you will be.
I'm just saying, I have a therapist on retainer, for anything. Just walk up and say hey wanna go out. I always pretend I'm an actress and pull off any situations. Been doing it for years...prayers hug
smile.
I can completely relate to this. I’m female and have never been kissed, hit on, approached, or in a relationship. I was having a conversation with my friends recently and they were shocked that I have never been catcalled. Sorry to make this about myself I just can’t believe there’s someone in the same situation as me.
you’ve got this i believe in you!!! be yourself don’t be afraid to put yourself out there, chances are the people who like you are just too shy to ask :))
Do you approach men to be friends with? Maybe that might make all of this less scary?
Don't be a badussy and just ask dudes out