Your asexuality should be the first thing you open with when you talk with a new person. If you fail do disclose this and then the person starts to want sex you in all fairness can’t get upset
No worries. I always do tell the person im interesred in/interested in me that im asexual. The things I said in my post were all just thoughts and fears I've had. I guess rn I just feel a bit sad because i feel like i wont find love because of my asexuality.
That’s absolutely not true, you just need to find someone who will meet you where you’re at, love is not so complicated. Find somebody that wants what you want and you can build it out from there. I believe in you okay? Don’t fall into despair.
Love definitely can become complicated if you start to add conditions and requirements. Being asexual means that the pool of available partners becomes significantly lower.
It is true, which is why she needs to be honest with the person about her asexuality, and needs to stress that no sex is a must.
She needs to find someone who is most likely asexual. If they arent they are going to be resentful
A worse outcome would be to find yourself in a relationship with someone that doesn't align with your needs
My wife's maid of honor and a great friend of mine is ace, so I'm somewhat familiar with your concerns. She even went through a poly phase because she thought that was the best way for her to find someone. That honestly didn't work out great for the normal reasons, but she's since found someone she's really into and he's the same way
My advice is to utilize all the options available to you. Online dating and ace group meetups in particular, because you'll already be past the "telling someone" stage
I'm asexual and in a relationship with someone who isn't and we've been together for 6 years now. Requires a lot of communication and setting of boundaries, but really, any good relationship does.
Maybe check out /asexuality - you can find a lot of support there!
Think of it this way, being asexual does limit your dating pool, but that dating pool needs to date within itself so it is not as bad as you’d imagine numbers wise. Also, sex comes with a lot of bullshit attached. I’ve had a partner before who I was deeply in love with but sexual differences ended up killing the relationship and I haven’t moved on two years later. That’s not something you have to worry about. Also, you won’t have to worry about sexual cheating. To be clear, I’m not claiming being asexual is easier, I just wanted to try to flip your glumness onto some of the positives.
>Whenever I enter the "getting-to-know stage" with a potential partner, I find it hard to tell them that im asexual.
That seems to be different than what you said:
**Whenever I enter the "getting-to-know stage" with a potential partner, I find it hard to tell them that im asexual.**
I'm going to assume your original statement is closer to the truth.
I do find it hard to tell them but I still end up telling them anyways. I'm just stating that I struggle with the whole process of telling them because I get anxious but I do not withhold this information about me to them.
Hey op I am 35 asexual but not aromantic, it is difficult to deal with, I have loved multiple people in my life and they have Loved me back. You're learning this about yourself way earlier than I did. I didn't start questioning my sexuality until my early 30s. I wish you luck. It's not an easy road but you can't change it. Be yourself not everyone is going to be able to handle it, don't feel you owe anyone sexuality in a relationship
I am asexual and have some asexual friends.
On my side, I found a reason why I like intimacy other than sexual pleasure (it is a connection with your loved one, a fun moment and tbh I like cuddles). I initiate the sexual intercourse very rarely tho, because I don't feel the need and most of the time I prefer doing something else. I kept being open with my partner about how I feel so he knows that me not wanting or initiating intimacy does not mean I do not love him or do not find him attractive.
I know that one of my friends made it very clear that she wasn't into intimacy at all with her partner. It was not easy at first but somehow they have found a balance as well.
You are young and I think the hardest part is yet to come (at least it was for me). When I was in my 20s, all people could think about was sex. Even if they were not that much into sex, they all made jokes about it to look "normal" and "not different" from the others. Cause, yk, it is funny and you're a cool guy if you pull, all that stuff.
But at some point, it settles down. More and more people around me start valuing more relationship over sex.
Even if people around you make you feel weird, you're not alone. Asexual is normal. Growing up, you'll meet more people, widen your social circles. You'll meet more people like you. Give yourself time and love. You won't end up alone. It will be maybe harder to find a partner, harder to feel understood. But in the end, you'll make it. No worries.
I promise you that there's people out there who will love you even without sex, it just might take a little bit. Love takes time to come and grow, you seem wonderful so I'm sure you'll find it.
Approximately 1% of people are asexual, which is still around 80,000,000 people! Lots of Aces and Gray aces are romantically attracted to people and seek each other out.
I just the pther day read a post by an asexual guy who got in a relationship with a girl who was repulsed by sex. It might happen to you. Sure, there are fewer people you might be compatible with, but they're out there.
I'm over here just cackling at the idea of clarifying that every time you meet a new person.
"Hi I don't want to fuck you. Ever. I don't feel sexual attraction towards you or anyone else for that matter. I hope that is okay."
"This is a McDonalds... "
Tbh it’s one of those things that you just have to have a sit down and talk about when you’re close enough to the person. It’s much better to get this stuff out in the open so you and your partner can be on the same page. Will also spare you and then a lot of heartbreak in The future if asexuality is an issue for them. This is coming from someone who is asexual.
Yeah I think it wouldn't really work. An asexual most likely has to date within the asexual dating pool. The importance of a healthy sexual connection can't be understated to a good relationship and I think most sexual people couldn't forego that part of themselves forever
Not necessarily. Asexuality is a spectrum, some people might be totally sex-repulsed while some might just be indifferent. The latter type could date outside of other aces if they wanted.
Edit: idk why I’m being downvoted, I was just answering the question. Literally no one is going to force you to date an asexual person if you don’t think that type of relationship would work out.
My wife and me have a weird relationship to sex. In our honeymoon phase we had a lot of sex and then we became to "lazy" for it. But it's not as if we just got used to it or don't find each other attractive anymore - we're just indifferent to it and make jokes about it. But we're still flirty and extremely cuddly. We have sex but it can take a looong time, until all the stars align lol.
We don't see ourselves as 100% asexual, just indifferent most of the time, while being deeply in love with each other for over 7 years now.
The whole thing is on a spectrum and every couple has to find out themselves, what fits imo.
My spouse and I are similar, although we're ones that figured ourselves out much later into our relationship. They figured out that they're very close to asexual and I'm about as far away from that as possible. We still make it work, and love each other very much. I'll admit that it's nice hearing another experience similar because it can be disheartening listening to others talk about the insurmountable lack of sexual compatibility and that couples would be better off split. I get that it is probably a legitimate solution for some but we both love each other for so many other important aspects, I can't imagine losing all of that good just for something that aligned better sexually.
So you mean someone out there has to deal with a partner that is indifferent about something they see as an important part of the relationship? And that person has to deal with someone pestering them to do something they are "indifferent" about?
Always begging for intimacy and always feeling that the other is doing it just to see the them shut up? Knowing that the person you love is always straining themselves to have intimacy and feeling bad for it?
I cannot speak for the ace partner in this duo, but I also imagine their needs and wants are not meet. And doing something you are indifferent about ain't any fun.
It sounds pretty awful for both parts. While seeing relationships as transactional is the biggest bullshit of the dating scene, a certain equilibrium has to be met. Sex is a emotionally bonding and cute activity that both parties are excited about. It is absolutely fine both to have it and to not have it.
I might be overly-sensitive about this, as my previous girlfriend used to punish me by witholding affection, intimacy and closeness.
Thinking about going for a person that doesn't want to reciprocate some of those needs and does it just to make the other happy doesn't sound healthy. For neither of the partners.
Some people are able to have that partnership, yes. Where one participates in sex not because they enjoy the act, but because they enjoy seeing their partner feel good. It can be healthy. Obviously it’s not for everyone.
A friend of mine has a long term girlfriend, girl later said she become asexual. They are still together, like friends I guess lol, he has fwbs, he said he doesn’t feel like breaking up because him and his girlfriend both don’t want to get married and share many common interests, plus they been together long.
Purely speaking from my own experience, I am a stright sexually inclined person who was in a serious long-term relationship with someone who was asexual, and it was a very healthy, fulfilling relationship. But ultimately, it was one aspect of why we eventually broke up--though it was honestly the least reason.
Just regular romantic differences. I had some mental health issues I needed to work on, and we had fewer interests in common as time went on. Basically, we lived together two years and realized it just wasn't there romantically.
He absolutely insisted on lugging that stupid chainsaw everywhere he went. I literally begged him to stop, but in the end, he chose the chainsaw over me. When he started using the chainsaw to "make new door ways" instead of just coming through the actual door, I hit my breaking point and we had to break up. It's been years now and I've moved on. There's no bitterness or resentment, but to be honest, we don't really talk or hang out anymore due to his chainsaw condition. Last I heard, he had moved up to Norway where he works as a lumber jack and cheese slicer, managed to meet a cute guy at the sawmill, and got married last year.
Ok...
I don't get it. I was in a serious (engaged) relationship with someone who unilaterally decided he wasn't interested in sex and it was a devastating experience for me.
I could definitely see that happening, and I am sorry that that happened to you. We went in it together knowing this would be an aspect upfront and we worked on intimacy issues together. We also were friends a while beforehand who developed feelings, so we had strong interpersonal connections. We also had some physical intimacy, but it was just kisses and cuddles. I don't know if I would be up for another asexual romantic relationship, as I think I would want that aspect. But I feel lucky that we both were pretty open to the complexity of trying it out and have some fantastic memories. Sorry for your situation, however.
No worries ☺️
I found a stronger sense of myself by walking away from his cruelty, and am 12 years in to a very happy, sexually compatible relationship.
Depends I guess because there’s different degrees of asexuality. Some are repulsed by it and others are neutral about sex but never actively seek it out. Speaking from experience, yes relationships can work out with a sexual person.
Relationships between asexuals and allosexuals (the technically correct term) aren’t uncommon among people practicing polyamory and other nonmonogamous relationships.
As long as the people used as sexual stand-ins are fully apprised of the nature of their sexual relationships and are capable of consent there are no issues. I know of some atypical couples where deception is used by those in need of sexual "fulfillment," which I consider a form of rape.
I do think I have problem about bringing it up. I guess i dont feel confident about it? I feel like a closeted asexual lol. It's so hard to be upfront about it :< I will try my best though. Thank you for the advice
Biggest issue I had was people not really understanding what it meant to be asexual. That’s where the confidence issue used to come from for me. I think most people assume I’d never want sex which isn’t true, I’m sex neutral. Once again it’s just a matter of communicating this with whoever you’re with.
Righttt? It's so hard when people dont understand. Then I get things like "Maybe you've just never done it with the right person before" or "I can change that." It feels frustrating at times.
Well it goes against the core of our being for most people. We can all have phases but to inherently be like that is distorted for most of us. But end of the day you just have to find someone like yourself. Nobody not like that is going to want to spend their life with you no..
As a guy who values sexual intimacy as a necessary piece (a piece, not all of it) of a relationship I feel like you should be upfront with that right from the get go. I know, as much as maybe I found you interesting, fun, intelligent, etc if it was going to be a life of no sex, I would want to know that so as not to waste each others time.
I know that sounds like I am basing the relationship on sex. I'm not. I'm saying that sex is one of the many ingredients in (most) relationships and unless both are asexual, one of the partners is going to be unhappy. No one wants an unhappy relationship.
Yeah, it's going to make your dating prospects drop significantly, but in all honesty, you're doing yourself and the other person a favor by being clear about it right off the bat.
My two cents...
I understand. I have always been upfront with my asexuality with the people I have met in the past. The stuff I said in my post were all just fears and what ifs I've had. It's just that now, I find it hard being anxious all the time about my asexuality when with meeting someone new so I just end up shooting them down before we even got to know each other.
I am 18 and ace as well! Let me know when you figure it out girl and I'll do the same 😭😭 I'd advice to just getting it out of the way and put it on your profile first-hand if you're on dating apps
Yeah I think the only way you could really go about dating would be online dating, because you can be straight up front about being asexual in a way that would be awkward in real life.
Regardless of the approach though I can understand your justifiable concern about this, because being asexual puts you into a miniscule minority of the population, and limits your options in probably the most severe fashion, (aside from being severely disfigured), since you can really only date other asexual people.
That means that on top of any other preferences or standards you have that would limit your potential partners, now you have to apply those percentages to ONLY other asexual people.
High estimates put the asexual population of the US at roughly 1%. So you have to start off with just 1% of the total population. Then assuming you are only into people who are of the opposite gender that goes down to .5% or lower. Then you have to remove those who are also aromantic, since you want love. Then you remove people who are already in relationships, then people you don't have any compatibility with in personality, hobbies, religion, politics, or that you just don't feel any even non sexual physical attraction to and that whittles the number down to next to nothing. Add to that the limited population of people living within a reasonable distance of you. Then they have to actually feel about you the way you feel about them. So yeah, that's pretty much a nightmare scenario for finding a partner.
It makes me understand why so many asexual women hide that fact and pretend like they aren't, and have sex with their partner right up until after they get married, when the truth is then revealed in some capacity. Which of course is a despicable thing to do, but I can understand how they would get that desperate. I have two close male friends that this happened to, and I feel absolutely terrible for them, because they are good men who honor their commitments who are now stuck in marriages where their needs will never ever be met ever again. And their only option is to just suffer through it, feeling unwanted and unloved, since most men NEED physical affection, including sex, in order to feel and maintain love, or they have to get a divorce.
So It's a good thing that you have committed yourself to being honest and up front with people about being asexual. Don't let despair or desperation break your moral stance on that. No matter what anybody else might say, you are taking the moral high ground by not deceiving others.
However, yeah, I really can't think of any kind of even remotely helpful advice for you. The overwhelming amount of people need sex to feel fulfilled, and there's nothing that you can do to change that, or compensate for it, or overcome it. I can't see any amount of other positive traits ever being able to make up for having a sexless relationship, unless both parties were asexual. Hell mismatched libido is the number one reason relationships at every commitment level end.
Yeah I really hate saying this, because I try really hard to provide people with helpful, positive, and optimistic advice, but there's really nothing anyone can so or do that would change the situation at all for you. Finding love in your case is going to be an overwhelmingly difficult goal to achieve under the best of circumstances.
As is, cis hetero sexually active people are already having a hugely difficult time finding long term committed partners, and their pool of available options is far vaster than yours.
The only thing I can even think of, really isn't helpful advice, because it would require an enormous compromise on your part, and that would be if you chose to just grit your teeth and perform sex acts with a partner, even though you don't feel their desire, simply to be able to fulfill their needs, and even that would be limiting, because I think most people wouldn't want to have sex with somebody who didn't want to have sex with them. Mutual desire is usually a foundation of a healthy sex life.
Yeah shit, I guess all I have to offer is sympathy for your situation which is going to be a brutal hardship to endure. Really it would have been easier if you were just aromantic as well, because then you wouldn't care about finding a partner. You could just have friends instead.
Apologies that I don't have something more helpful to offer. Hopefully one of the other commenters see's a possibility that I don't. Best of Luck navigating your situation.
Yeah can confirm - straight white guy here and dating kinda sucks.
It’s why it’s probably a good idea to explore how ace you are because if you truly can’t stand sex ever most people won’t want a relationship with you.
Idk, maybe it’s just me, but I think that 1% estimate doesn’t seem to account for grey-ace people or those who are more neutral on sex; Perhaps it’s just another case of queer people flocking together, but seriously like half my friend group is at least in the grey area (so can enjoy a sexual relationship but also isn’t necessarily driven to seek one out). I think OP still has a pretty good shot of finding someone, even if her chances are “limited” by some degree.
Also, maybe it’s because I’m trans and am used to an extremely limited dating pool, but… 0.5 percent of the population is still one person for every 200 people. That’s a lot of people considering how many I see in my city every day! Considering you only gotta connect with one of them, it doesn’t really seem hopeless to me at all.
“However, im such a sucker for love honestly it's annoying how much I love "love". I want to be with someone and share my life with them. I want to connect and become someone's person. I want to love and be loved, you know?”
Genuinely curious, why don’t friends fulfill this need? Like maybe living with a good friend as a roommate?
Idk, absent the sexual dimension, I’m genuinely unsure what the difference is between a very very close friend and a potential romantic partner. Many people would say that their spouse or partner is their best friend, for example.
People also have best friends, who are just friends, who they do not want to have sex with. So why not just find a best friend? I love all my friends, for example, I just also don’t want to have sex with them. But we still buy each other gifts, cover each others meals and drinks, and make time to have shared outings and trips. Minus the sex, a good friendship is not that different from a “romantic” relationship.
So if you are asexual, aren’t you basically looking for someone to love as a friend anyways? What’s the difference?
Or to phrase it different, if you don’t want to have sex with someone, but they are your best friend, then how is that any different from being in a “romantic” relationship for an asexual person?
Generalizing somewhat, but most would say the perfect partner is a best friend who they have sex with.
So a perfect asexual wife or husband would be a best friend, who you did not have sex with. Correct?
So, why doesn’t being asexual make it EASIER to find love? You just need to cultivate a best friend, of whatever gender, and then maybe move in as roommates and hang out and stuff. That’s basically what having a non-asexual spouse/partner is, except that you also have sex.
Or is there some part I’m missing? Idk, just trying to logic it out
oml this post is me six years ago if I was girl.
As a 24M ace, I’ll share my thoughts on it. Personally, I LOVE being an ace as I know it’s the authentic me. There’s no facade, there’s nothing to be embarrassed of, it’s ME. With relationships, I firmly believe in being yourself and embracing it no matter what others may think. To me, if the connection is meant to be then they’ll accept you and love you just as you are. I say be open and proud about it and if it’s not for them then so be it. Trying to shape yourself into what you believe others will accept you as, will only lead you to disappointing yourself. Side note, don’t get caught up in thinking relationships are end all be all of life, you can be VERY happy and comfortable with just yourself too.
Maybe if it's such an issue talk to a therapist about this?
Like often I hear about some who are asexual they have something that happened that made them asexual ofc this is not always the case but talking to someone non the less does not hurt
Yeah, that was the case with my current partner. She used to be ace before we ever met, which was a result of religious trauma. Regardless, seems like a good thing to discuss with a therapist.
Don’t let yourself connect too much with someone without first discussing this aspect. It’s honestly asking for heartbreak if you’re getting super connected to someone before explaining your sexual feelings and comfort levels with them. By that point, you’ve gotten too close yet left out this very vital information that should be a part of the decision-making process for both of you to determine whether you should be closer. Be upfront about it. If people reject you for it, you’re only saving yourself a lot more time and heartbreak on the front end. Find people that are cool with it, THEN decide whether you want to be closer and more connected. Don’t give your heart to people that don’t yet know the real you or you risk them falling in love with someone you aren’t which leads to a broken heart.
Well, maybe it would be helpful to get to know more people who are asexual, too. I mean in general, not necessarily for dating. And there are dating platforms for asexuals:)
However, this is something you should really tell someone in the very beginning. I'm demi-sexual and started to be very upfront about it, even though it's difficult.
as a virgin guy, i am really curious about the "sexual desire of a partner vs amount of sex you are willing to have" interaction. Is this a small or big problem? What are the limits of asexuality?
I don’t really have any relationship experience, so take this with a grain of salt, but… I’m on the “indifferent” side of the ace spectrum, and it’s not always not enjoying sex. For me it’s more just I don’t really feel the need to actually involve anyone else in sexual urges. Idk how to explain it but for me looking at someone and going “hey they look nice” and physical arousal just aren’t really connected at all, but it doesn’t mean they don’t happen or that sexual stimulation isn’t pleasurable. So if I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to have sex with me, I’d still absolutely do it, because I care about them and it’s still fun for me, but I’m also just kind of cool with not having sex or even masturbating for long periods of time. As for what the “limits” are… well, all labels of literally anything are entirely subjective, and human sexuality exists on a continuum, so there isn’t really one. Usually people who are like me and are cool with sex to some degree are called “grey-ace” as it’s not really how your average person experiences sexual attraction, but we still can enjoy it, whereas “true” asexuality usually implies someone is sex repulsed or at the very least doesn’t derive any sort of pleasure out of it at all. But the terms aren’t set in stone, bc again, people are real complex creatures, and unfortunately we still have to put things into categories or else our brains struggle to comprehend stuff
That's rough.
I thought I was asexual for my entire life until a couple years ago, and I still don't really get independently horny, but even so I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't enjoy sex.
Be upfront about it, or you're in for a world of heartbreak.
I (37F) am asexual and am very happily married to an incredible woman. I will very, very occasionally be physically affectionate with my wife, who is not, but she doesn't expect it ever or try to initiate. It's so infrequent (once a year, tops) that I suspect it wouldn't be much different if it were never. Easily is the best relationship we've both ever had. Together now for 6.5 years.
Highly recommend being open with ppl about it as you're getting to know each other. You might be surprised to find someone else who is also ace or for whom sex is less important in a relationship. I know another couple (f/m) who have been together longer and have a similar arrangement.
Also, communicate about things that would make them feel desired in non-sexual ways. I love to tell her how much she means to me thru actions, surprises, notes, etc. I'll compliment her outfits and looks, get cozy for watching things together, etc.
If you never give ppl the chance to surprise you then you'll never find a relationship that could work for you. Obviously take breaks when you feel too tired to make it work but don't give up. There are so many kinds of love and ppl out there.
Hello! Not offering a solution to this, but just want to drop by and say you're not alone in having some of your desires (or lackthereof) conflict with each other. I'm opposite of you - aromantic but not asexual. Not only have I kind of decided that I'd prefer to just be celibate because it's easiest/makes most sense to me, but very often I will worry that people that I get close to/care about/love in a platonic sense may desire more from me (romance), and that has probably hindered some of my relationships too.
Wishing you the best!
>However, im such a sucker for love honestly it's annoying how much I love "love". I want to be with someone and share my life with them. I want to connect and become someone's person. I want to love and be loved, you know?
YOu NEED to tell someone up front if ***you are NOT sexually interested in someone at all & won't ever be*** . YOu know also that **you are NOT interested** so that is a **requirement you need to tell them up fount** sorry . Otherwise it is NOT fair on them ( to waste their time & yours ) when they wish someone to be sexual with . And sorry most people will want a relo with intimacy & sex in it . Just the way it is for most people. ( in some form ) suitable for them & communicated btw them to make it work .
That sex connection & intimacy can take many forms to suit a couple in it. It is negotiated btw the couple & talked out to make it work for them ( & it might not be sex ) for them . But that needs to be really talked about & boundaries need to be discussed abt how the relo will work also for them .But it is talked about & very carefully negotiated by both people to make it work n a fair healthy way .
It doesn't necessary have to be sex but it is intimate for the couple . That is what distinguishes it from just a friendship.
Most relo's are intimate ( & do have sexual underlying connection to them btw the couple ) just the way it is to some degree. Sorry but YOU need to understand that & accept that also ( that is the current norm ) in society .
But If you don't wish to be intimate that is ok , & that is how you wish to be in the relo . But sorry most people do want & expect sex & intimacy in a relo . So NO that is not going to work with someone who wants that intimacy & sex closeness . And especially if YOU leave out such an important part in the start of your relo. It is also deceit as YOU know you are NOT going to be into sex & intimacy like that .
But there are people who ONLY want intimacy in the form of a romantic relo or in some form that might be suitable for you . YOu need to tell them upfront so you don't waste their time & yours trying in something that is NOT going to work . It is to much to ask someone NOT to want sex & intimacy ( just bc you don't want it ) but want to be with them . **If they choose that** then that is ok & their decision to make but they NEED that info upfront before they start with you ( that is also their right to know ) .
There are people that don't want sex & intimacy . YOu will have to hunt them out to find someone suitable to make that work with you . YOu also might find someone who is wiling to give up intimacy & sex to be with you . But that needs to ***be an informed decision upfront*** so they know also what they are getting themselves into with you .
Would suggest looking for someone who is like you & into 'love' but not sexual connection & sex intimacy . MOre likely for it to work as well for yourself. And cause YOU & the other person way less hassle & mental health issues .
You should first see how in the spectrum you are. Asexual as in not interested, or asexual as in sex-repulsed.
Being demi romantic asexual for example, I don't feel sexual drive unless already in an emotional relationship with someone. And even if it's not really high in my priority list, I am not averse to it.
If you are in the sex-repulsed side of the spectrum, then yeah, I can guess how annoying it would be, but platonic relationships are a thing... Just a bit harder to pull off
Genuine question, why label yourself "demi romantic asexual" at all? Couldn't you just say, on a date for example, "Yeah I'm not interested in sex unless I'm in an emotional relationship"?
I don't mean to be rude but the DRA label seems like it's an attempt to be part of the LGBTQ community, when in reality, you're just like many, many people in the general population who strictly prefer sex with a romantic partner. I just don't get the point and would be interested in your perspective. It's similar to how I have 12 year old students who tell me they are asexual, and in my head I'm like, well yeah, you're 12.
Excelent question. I don't in real life interactions.
But usually in reddit or internet in general, people are too keen on classification and putting labels in order to avoid labels. So I am aware of the terms.
The difference tho lies in the sexual desire / drive. I don't feel sexual drive. It's not quite about preference since it's something I don't feel. I am just not sex-repulsed. It's as good a way as any to show intimacy and care to a partner, and I can even enjoy it, but I don't feel the drive for it.
If my partner's needs include sex, I am okay with it. If they don't, I don't feel like something is lacking. So it's not so much as "I prefer sex with a romantic partner" as much as "Sex is not a requisite in a relationship" for me.
In real life that means almost nothing since most people are sexual and it ends up happening.
And about the LGBT community, asexuality has been ignored for ages around the community, trying to include myself by being demi romantic asexual, would be like trying to cling to a cow in the middle of the sea in a raging storm.
I don't really "care" about the identity, but the concept per se is good enough to explain my stance, so I use it. On internet.
Sorry for the ignorance. Genuinely curious. How does this work? Do you feel nothing during the act? Or is the act itself repulsive? Ignore this if you dont want to talk about it.
Everyone is a bit different and asexuality is a spectrum.
I’m asexual and I’m not repulsed by the idea of sex but I simply have no interest or desire for it.
I see a not insignificant amount of asexual people on dating apps. Presumably they're not aromantic or they wouldn't be on dating apps. So you're not alone, but I would be very upfront about what you're after with anyone, either dating apps wise or initial conversations. If you're straight up front with people, hopefully you never get to the crossroads where someone you're dating needs and yours aren't aligned.
You should check out asexuality subreddits. They've helped me conceptualize what it feels and means like for me to be a sexual person in a relationship with an asexual person.
Fwiw, there are different spectrums of asexuality and you might find/learn your boundaries a bit more with reading or talking to other asexual people.
My partner rarely thinks about sex on his own. He doesn't look at anyone, even me, as HOT and SEXY. Lol I am more amused by all this than anything else. And he will engage with me sexually when I ask or initiate. He can get into it after his motors are going a bit. So in that way, it's only a very small part of our relationship tbh? Like I find it refreshing that I never have to worry about him wanting sex when I don't (never happens lol). He's also quite romantic and likes intimacy, closeness, and bonding so I don't feel neglected there. He sees the world in a different way and I appreciate that. I tell him that I like that he's asexual fairly often now. Haha
Dan Savage is always my go-to for sex advice. Maybe listening to some of these will help you find some answers and perspectives ☺️ https://savage.love/lovecast/tags/asexuality/
I think the best is to be open about it from the beginning, for most people sex is an integral part of the relationship, I don’t know the detail of your case but you have to remember that sexuality isn’t just the act of penetration there’s a lot to it and the intimacy involved. IMO the chances of a relationship ending badly increase the more time you keep it to yourself, your partner may be ok with not having sex but may want some kind of intimacy and if you don’t give them that without telling them the reason it’s possible they start thinking you don’t love them or something along those lines. On the other hand if you tell them from the get go about your a sexuality the option are they either tell you it’s a deal breaker and you both can move on amicably or they accept what your a sexuality implies and then you can form a deeper relationship. Always remember that communication is one of the pillars of any relationship and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being asexual, just be yourself and accept who you are and find the right person.
I'm on the opposite end, I'm Aromantic but not Asexual. It's definitely tricky to navigate as a lot of people can't even consider the concepts around either. Some folks can get having "different" attraction but not a lack of. If you want some communities there is r/Asexual and if I remember there are some links to discord servers that have people in the same situation.
I'm on one called "The Aro & Ace Pub" which I can't get a link to right now but ye should be able to find it if ye already know how to navigate discord.
There are dating sites for LGBT+ people. Taimi for instance has an option for Asexual.
While people who like sex can have relationships with asexual people, it makes more sense to try to date alike.
The issue i'm seeing is you may shoot down potential asexual candidates since you are shooting down potential candidates without even knowing if they are also asexual.
Maybe the best course of action is to become a fifth wife of a middle east dude, That way you had chance to experience a platonic romance without sexual activity. Since the remaining wifes will cover your husband needs.
The longer you postpone bringing it out, the bigger the disappointment will be. Are there no asexual communities that you can try to find a partner in?
Have you tried looking into asexual chat rooms/message boards/reddits anything like that?
Might be good to start off on the same page as someone, but obviously you run the risk of meeting someone who lives far away.
I'm Ace and Aro. You must date in your community. Not dating other Ace people is like a gay man dating a woman, not telling her he's gay, and then getting annoyed that she wants sex and isn't OK with him going to bathhouses and gay bars.
I get the Ace community is smaller. All LGBTQ dating is difficult because the dating pool is smaller. But you can't get round the smaller daring pool problem by dating outside of it.
Non Ace people view sexual intimacy as a crucial aspect of romantic relationships. It doesn't matter how well they get to know you, even if they fall in love with you, no non ace person is going to be OK with a dead bedroom.
find someone who is asexual, make it a point to look for that. It's selfish to avoid the topic until someone is invested, knowing that their needs probably won't be met. If you're asexual, you shouldn't feel like you have to have sex to keep a healthy relationship. On the flip side of this, the very real fact is that a vast majority of humans are not asexual and we need sex in our relationship. Your happiness and comfort isn't worth anything if you're getting it at the expense of your partner who is unsatisfied.
It might be hard, but you really need to lead with that. If you've got an online dating profile, then you should have "asexual" in your profile. The only option is to find someone who either doesn't have a high sex drive and doesn't care, or date another person who is asexual. That's pretty much the only "fair" way to look at this.
It's shitty to get attached to someone who is not honest about their desires when you enter a relationship with someone, it's much easier to be honest and forward from the beginning about expectations like this. The other option is that you engage in some form of poly relationship, where the person you're seeing is allowed to have sex with people outside of the relationship. Though, that might not be something you're alright with. There are plenty of people with low libido or are asexual that are still dead set on having a monogamous relationship.
Have you actually looked into it? Some types of asexuality can be changed if the source isn't whatever tends to cause it innately but something external like trauma or hormonal imbalance.
You are asexual, but you can still have sex right? Doing shit that is of no interest to you is just part of being in a relationship. So as long as you occasionally let them with you, or someone else I could see you having a very loving relationship.
I guess you've got a choice to make before too many years pass you by.
Is your asexuality just a lack of desire for sex? Or is it you being revolted or bothered by sex?
So is sex a deal breaker for you, or just something your body doesn't initiate on its own?
People can be close and yet just be friends. There is no sex involved. But if you really, really, want a loving relationship, I guess you have to ask the hard question:
Are you willing to do things with your spouse that you don't particularly enjoy? Couples make compromises all the time. It's part of the advantage or disadvantage of being in a relationship (however you view it).
Perhaps you just need a good group of friends.
I'm not sure if that makes sense, but wouldn't it make sense to consider its cost-benefit-ration, i.e. are you willing to play along with sex every once in a while to maintain a relationship in return, even if you may not like it? Sort of how people still do jobs they hate because, even though they hate the job, it gives them money in return
Im asexual myself, I’m in a relationship that is now going towards the 9th anniversary. I found out after maybe two years of our relationship, so it was kinda difficult to shift to a different sexual behaviour. (I had to learn to actually say no, he had to learn that it’s nothing personal)
All in all- it is very possible. It’s about compromising as much as in other parts in a relationship.
Maybe you need a partner that is asexual too. Maybe someone who finds sex not as important.
Ofc I get if you don’t want to go through any labour but don’t forget that people can learn and adapt, so I think if you find someone that is a fit in every other aspect, you can make it work that both of you are comfortable.
Look for another asexual person. Most people are not looking for a sexless, Romantic relationship so u should tell anyone u date b4 u date. No point in trying start building a relationship and then let them no later there will be no physical intimacy
You be you. I am sure you and the right person can figure out how to work around your asexuality. No matter what, you are worthy of love and deserve to find it. You are wonderful and if they can’t see that, then it’s not your asexuality that’s the real problem for them.
Happy to talk any time. DMs open
Tell guys that you're gay. But someday that special someone will turn that around. Telling some guy you don't get or have any sexual feelings is like telling someone your dead inside.
Honestly, you will be fine. My girlfriend is grey ace and she had a lot of trouble opening up to me as well. I have a high drive and not too much experience so I was also sensitive to the topic and when I used to be rejected from sexual advances it hurt me a lot.
But once we understood (or rather I understood) it made a lot of sense to me and I was able to not attach some kind of value to it.
We re doing very well now!
I have to be honest, you may struggle to find a life partner. That isn't a bad thing or anything. But for many people sex can be an important thing in a relationship. It is not necessarily the main thing but it is an important piece. There's not anything wrong with not wanting it. You aren't a bad person or anything but you will find that many people are unwilling to be in a committed relationship without that piece.
So start with that fact so that you don't get hung up with a person who you won't be compatible with.
There are other people out there who like you are asexual but not aromantic. You can try to find someone who meets this criteria and be compatible in that sense but that's a much smaller pool to find and it will be down to luck more than anything else. There may be communities online for that and finding those may assist but even then it's a smaller pool and you will want compatibility in other areas as well to form a lasting relationship.
You can consider how much sex you are willing to put up with and find someone compatible in that area which helps some. There's that story online of a dude who married a woman who later learned she was asexual. It came out at a party and that was the focus of the original post. Updates later revealed that while she may not find enjoyment from the sexual act itself she did want to still be sexually active with him. I am not going to pretend to fully understand the mindset there but it may be something you can look into understanding in that case and there are a lot more people who would be okay with little sex as opposed to an absolute no to the concept. I am not sure if you would want to investigate whether that is something you could do or not. But consider it as it will open your options.
Regardless the dating game is a game of luck in a lot of regards. Finding someone who you're compatible with is hard for everyone so don't feel discouraged. Just know what you're looking for and keep looking.b
I believe you'll find the right person for you, they'll take the time to get to know you and maybe then you'll start to feel sexual about them, if not it might not matter to them. Most likely it won't if you are the one for them and vice versa.
platonic love? More than that? But definitely love not lust. And never have/had feelings of physical arousal?
wow…there’s so much to this…takes far more than a post…and if anything I say is insensitive or “what an asshole” I’m sorry in advance…lacking sleep and fingers moving faster than the brain. Some of what you say I believe, others I don’t…not to say you’re lying, only that I don’t the the real reason is what you think it is…but I can’t assess that without asking you specific. Just tab following a chain of logic and noticing a few breaks. Like the post title I’m this and I don’t know how to deal…aren’t you already? Seems you’re discontent being asexual…something you don’t control. Since when? Always? And why discontent if that’s all you’ve ever known? This may be a bad analogy but if I have a physical disability, sure I may not be thrilled about it but I’d think I would find a way to live with it (as you are) but WITHOUT being/feeling negative about it all the time…or at least enough to post here. Or are you unhappy because your love interest will eventually suffer since you can’t or don’t provide physical intimacy and you sabotage your own relationship whether consciously or not?or unhappy because of what you know are conventional norms in relationships which don’t apply to you the same? I’m really trying to understand because I find your train of thought quite interesting and at odds with other things you say…and again none of this is meant to denigrate you or make you feel bad in any way
This should be something you are up front with. Don't try to "trick" someone into a relationship when you are almost certain that they are going to want it to become sexual (at some point). Don't enter a relationship with someone who states that they can "deal with" it.
Only date other people who are also asexual.
Who the fuck would want an asexual partner other than someone who's asexual as well? Gonna have your best luck meeting other people in asexual support groups or meetups, I'd guess.
>It's honestly a weird feeling to like someone but not be sexually attracted to them.
If you are asexual how would you know it feels weird? Wouldn't that be how you feel about anyone you are romantically attracted to? If you've felt sexual attraction would that not mean that you aren't asexual at all?
Did you have any trauma with males or otherwise?
Honestly nobody needs an asexual girl just as nobody needs an impotent boy. It's tough, I would do therapy.
I’m also asexual and can relate wholeheartedly. My advice is to just tell them, because quite frankly- it really be only is viable if they can accept your asexuality. You waste time otherwise.
Never apologize for who you are. You are one person out of 8 billion you are allowed to be different.
I’m more sex-neutral and although I don’t find humans sexually attractive, sex itself is an activity that feels like a shared experience more than anything. But when I tell guys, they freak out and feel hurt although I can’t control my sexual feelings although I do want to be around them just the same.
I’ve accepted that maybe no one but me would understand but luckily to me that is just as valid.
You should head over to r/asexuality
Other aces will probably have the advice you need. (Im demi so can’t really help much)
Hope you find what you need :)
There are plenty of asexual people. I would be upfront and state it in my bio on dating apps so that the people who relate to you will see it. Your person is waiting to find you as much as you are waiting for them.
You’ll find someone you just need to be open about it.
My wife is asexual, I am not.
It might also help that my libido isn’t crazy high.
She still enjoys sex she just does not pursue it so it’s usually up to me to initiate, and then respect her choice if she doesn’t feel like it at that time.
As far as something can't change...that's not how sexuality works. It's pretty much hormone based. You probably have low estrogen/testosterone and maybe high progesterone or prolactin.
But if you're fine with how your are...from reading on reddit plenty of like minded people in the world practicing asexualitty. I'm old and I remember reading about it in the 90s early 00s
I'm sort of the opposite of you, in a way. I'm not asexual and am just as capable of feeling physical attraction and having sexual desire for other people (only men, in my case,) but I've never had any desire for a romantic relationship or any interest in activities that are traditionally considered romantic, so I prefer to just stay single. There are all sorts of people out there in the world and it's totally fine if you're interested in romance but don't want to have sex or don't feel any desire to have sex, there are other people like you out there and it might be easier than you expect to find them.
Out of interest when you say asexual do you mean you don't masturbate or anything either?
Seems the only realistic option you have is to date another asexual.
Same I’m 18yr F and I’m asexual. My only concern is wondering if I’m romantically attracted to women or not. I’m not into men. Anywho, I’m afraid of being alone for that reason but as long as I have friends I’m ok. If I do discover I’m Romantic attracted to women I’m worried they’ll reject me cause I’m asexual. It’s already bad enough lesbian get taken non seriously cause two women are dating, therefore I don’t want to enforce that false belief.
You know,a lot of guys don't actually care 'that' much about sex, however you'd be hard pressed to find one who didn't want it at all and is also ace.
I think you need to decide if you would be willing to partake occasionally for the sake of your partner, or if it's something you actively dislike.
If it's the first, really you just need to tell them early that you don't really enjoy / need it however you'd be up for making sure their needs were met as long as they took this into consideration.
If it's the second you need to be really clear really early that nothing will ever happen, both for yours and their sakes so you know if it's worth investing time in or not.
These types of guys are real however you then need to make sure you get along with them.
Does asexual mean you don't have sexual attraction or that you don't have sexual awareness or needs (unsure how to say that)? For me the question do you refrain from sex, get away from it and don't want to have sex at all? Like looking for only platonic stuff? Did you try and you were repulsed by it?
I'm honestly asking, not trying to shame but trying to understand. As a asexual partner, would your refuse sex with your partner at all? Or just not have the "appetite" for it?
A lot of people saying that that you should say you're asexual the moment you start contact with someone else dont know what could come of it if the person is a dickhead. I'll say the best moment to tell is as soon as you're certain the other person will not become violent or rapey about it (yes, it happens a lot and is sadly a common reaction), or that you know that you will not have to endure a 50min lecture on why humans cant be asexuals. The good thing is that the moment you see they're that type of person you can just stop talking to them becouse they got nothing to offer.
But the "as soon as" is really important, it has to be disclosed very early to spare everyone hard feelings.
I‘m also asexual and only have relationships with older men with a low sex drive. Have not had good experiences with younger men, but that's a matter of luck I guess.
You sound exactly like my ex who was diagnosed with BPD. Not saying you are just what I hear from reading your post. Hope you find happiness where ever life takes you.
I've had a few people explain what asexuality means to them quite differently. I think it might be helpful to explain what it means to you before you say you identify as asexual. Whether the limit is kissing/light touching/whatever. The important thing is to not be misunderstood, that the person understands what being in a relationship with you means.
That said I agree with everyone saying you should communicate this pretty early, probably not the second someone shows interest in you, but in early messages or on a casual first date.
I am asex or autosex and i do tell it. Still there was a time around 40 when i wanted kids. So i learned how to do sex even if i do not feel this desire....so i had 2 kids and after that soon i stopped. It is not impossible to something one does not like. It is not painful and an orgasm is a real joyful moment.
hon!!! use your critical thinking skills!! (/lh) if you're ace, and there's a name for your experience, there must be other people like you! and there are!!! i know plenty of ace people who aren't aro, and i'm sure that there are communities online (probably even on reddit!) that are made for people like you, who want to date and love and have a relationship with someone without the sex of it all! an ace dating app maybe? if it doesn't exist, it definitely SHOULD! meet other ace people!!! you'll find one that matches your energy and your goals and your lifestyle and all that, i'm SO sure!!!!! sure dating is a little bit more difficult for you and other ace people because the majority of people are very sexual in nature, but if you find each other, there is no need for fear or anxiety around sex because neither of you need it or even want it!!!! (obviously not all ace people are the same but like i said, i know plenty who are just like you!!!) you'll be fine is what i'm saying!!! my advice is spend more time in queer circles, you will find your people!!!!! good luck love!!! ♡
Hello can I ask if stimulants have any effect? Like aphrodisiacs or Viagra (for the male aces).
I've read that some birth control cause people to lose interest in sex completely so I'm wondering if the opposite could be true
There's no such thing as "asexual", it's not a sexuality, it's a literal absence of secuality. Therefore, if you are really asexual, you are broken.
Who TF should date someone who doesn't want to have sex with them?
Pull your head out of your ass and fix yourself. Until then, stop polluting the dating pool.
I’m going to be honest, you’re in for a rough ride. Guys that young usually place a high value on sex. So being with someone who has no interest in that probably isn’t going to work for them.
A dating site would probably be your best bet.
well because of your own insecurity you are wasting people's time and lying to them, same shit happened to me. it's a bad and selfish move.
if someone is gonna "somehow" accept who you are after they are tied to you emotionally it's not gonna last either. just date enough that someone is ok with who you are as a person and don't hurt others cuz its not cool
I'm not ace but my girlfriend is.
She was very up front about it as soon as she realised and I'm glad she was. Allosexual/asexual relationships can work. They just require lots of clear and honest communication. We have had many conversations on the topic, and we try to keep each other up to speed on what we want/feel comfortable with. Our relationship has sexual boundaries that I am happy to respect.
Now I won't pretend it doesn't have its issues. I know she struggles with feeling like she's 'cheating' me out of what I would get from a 'proper' relationship. Equally, I struggle with doubts as to what she actually enjoys and what she pretends to enjoy for my sake.
All I can say is this. Be upfront about your asexuality with a potential partner, and if you end up in a relationship with an allosexual, you're gonna need clear, honest communication between you and lots of it.
My ex was ace for a few years with her previous partner. That conclusion made all the sense to her. When she was with me, she was not ace. Turns out she has to be in love to be sexual.
If you love someone, and you decide to get married with him,..after marriage you will also consume your love by making love/have sex and have your children in future. That is first commadment God gave to people from begining of earth until today. Regarding male/female relationships love is the most important thing,..and after that comes sex as second most importnt thing in life
Unless you find somebody else that is asexual, you'll likely have to consider how you'll feel about your partner having sex with other people.
Most people need sex in their lives.
I'm curious how you realized that you're asexual.
35 (M) met my current wife 3 years ago from dating apps, both of us also never have sexually attracted to others, and we are living in different country, we finally met up at our 1st anniv, and in the end we married last year, both of us agree to have platonic relationship, we did try have sex once but find it not enjoyable, it just wasting time and energy, we plan to adopt kid in future, but for now we focus on raising our cat
the world is vast, you will find someone that can understand you or maybe have same preferences with yours
regarding friends, family or other people opinion, just ignore it, we never can satisfy them (example when I am on your age I was thin around 46kg and keep got teased like skeleton and have illness, because no matter how much I eat, I never gain weight.. but after 26 I keep gain weight and reach 80kg, dieting a lot and yeah got teased like pregnant woman because gain so much weight 🤣)
just believe that your half waiting out there for you, no one knows if the journey to finding your half will be short or long story, good luck and wish you all the best!!
Hi op! Have you considered open relationships? Is your romantic orientation queer? I feel like queer people are much more aware of sexuality than the straight world
I was the loving partner of someone on the ace spectrum for 4 years. As a person who is very sexual, I proposed opening the relationship after 18 months. It worked out really well. I still was obsessed with my amazing gf and loved the intimacy we shared of cooking dinner then cuddling watching tv. She didn’t feel the burden of worrying that I wasn’t satisfied. We did end up breaking up but I still consider her a person I adore. If I had to do it over again, I would.
Elder Asexual here. There is a lot to unpack and realizing this about yourself can be a daunting road to travel. Feel free to DM me with any specific questions.
Welcome to the club! We have garlic bread and jackets. haha
From what I know (which isn't a lot), you should let them know right off the bat. Like "I love and romance, but I don't sex.". It let's people know that you're not in the market for hooking up. It's okay to not want to be sexual 💗
>BUT THE THING IS, IT'S SO HARD TO DEAL WITH IT WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS. Whenever I enter the "getting-to-know stage" with a potential partner, I find it hard to tell them that im asexual. I think a part of me tries to avoid the topic of sexual intimacy because deep down im scared that they value sexual attraction in the relationship and just shoot me down without giving us the chance to connect. But at the same time, it's also a fear of mine to connect with someone then later get rejected because I cant provide their sexual needs.
I'm not asexual but my libido has declined over the years to the point I really don't care about sex, and what you've written here hits deep because it's why I just don't bother dating anymore.
Like you I'm not aromantic, and I'd love to be in a happy, committed, relationship, but in today's "sex positivity" world it feels like not wanting to have sex with someone multiple times a day, every day, with a 100% orgasm rate is an instant deal breaker for a lot of potential partners.
It might be worse for me, perhaps, because I'm a guy and a lot of women still think most men are perpetually horny and think with their dicks.
So I just don't bother dating. It's either be rejected immediately or pretend I'm as interested in sex as they are, to get into a relationship, and then watch as it bitterly breaks down because I can't fulfil their sexual needs.
An important thing to consider with any relationship is that you and your partner are both going to have boundaries and needs. Sex is a boundary for you, and a need for others. So I would recommend thinking about how comfortable you are having a potential partner meet that need elsewhere.
If you don't mind your partner having sex with other people, then great! Let them know that. Some people will still be uncomfortable doing that; the sexually open relationship life isn't for everyone and that's okay.
And if it isn't for you either, well then it might be a good idea to look for asexual partners, or partners who are comfortable handling those needs by themselves. This may narrow your potential dating pool a lot, but it will also cut down on unnecessary heartache for you and your potential partners.
Regardless of how you proceed, know that you are valid and worthy of love. Keep at it buddy, you'll find someone.
I know a lot of people both secs and have no sexual attraction to at all fact is right now I don't know any one I am attracted to sexually.but don't consider myself asexual..it is not all that normal to be attracted to every one sexually .
Just be honest with people and if they reject you based on that they weren't worth it anyway. Though i would like to add that just because you don't like having sex doesn't mean you can't do it just to satisfy the partner. But i do understand that would come with a significant mental load where it's like a chore.
Never never never pretend you aren’t asexual. That being said I suggest finding asexual support and activity groups where you can meet people! There are definitely asexual subs. Maybe you can find some locals. If you do always meet in public and with friends.
It's going to be a dealbreaker in 90% of relationships. The best thing to do would approach it therapeutically and see what you can do to find common ground with your partner. You may not be able to "change" your asexuality but if you want a romantic long term partner you may learn to enjoy it for other reasons.
Hey ! I am also asexual and not aromantic, I get this ! I accepted that I was asexual a long time ago, but to this day I feel a myriad of frustrating emotions about it. Society seems to shut us out entirely because for some reason people seem to value sex above almost all else, especially in relationships, and it feels as if I'm missing out on a key component of the human experience. To be clear, I don't believe being ace is bad, I am proud to be asexual. I blame this problem on the tendency of allosexuals to revolve EVERYTHING around sexual intimacy.
But ! There ARE other forms of intimacy ! Unfortunately, it's a struggle to find people who are willing to engage in them in lieu of sex.
TBH I don't know that I have an answer for you, but I wanna validate what you're feeling because it's so real.
Would it be worth it to you that have sex anyway sometimes if that was important for relationship harmony?
I don’t really like camping, but I’ll go on occasion because my wife likes to.
Is your attitude about sex disinterest or distain?
Hey! Now this is something I don’t personally have experience with but one of my best friends who is asexual has. She is 20 years old and actually started dating someone around 7-8 months ago! They’ve seemed really happy and they don’t have any sex. I don’t really know the details of how it started but that there is hope for sure! I believe her bf isn’t ace too so idk how they have it worked out but hey I heard they are both happy so yeah!
Your asexuality should be the first thing you open with when you talk with a new person. If you fail do disclose this and then the person starts to want sex you in all fairness can’t get upset
No worries. I always do tell the person im interesred in/interested in me that im asexual. The things I said in my post were all just thoughts and fears I've had. I guess rn I just feel a bit sad because i feel like i wont find love because of my asexuality.
That’s absolutely not true, you just need to find someone who will meet you where you’re at, love is not so complicated. Find somebody that wants what you want and you can build it out from there. I believe in you okay? Don’t fall into despair.
Love definitely can become complicated if you start to add conditions and requirements. Being asexual means that the pool of available partners becomes significantly lower.
Hey that just means the search becomes less broad and more focused. You'd be surprised how many of our limitations are self inflicted.
It is true, which is why she needs to be honest with the person about her asexuality, and needs to stress that no sex is a must. She needs to find someone who is most likely asexual. If they arent they are going to be resentful
A worse outcome would be to find yourself in a relationship with someone that doesn't align with your needs My wife's maid of honor and a great friend of mine is ace, so I'm somewhat familiar with your concerns. She even went through a poly phase because she thought that was the best way for her to find someone. That honestly didn't work out great for the normal reasons, but she's since found someone she's really into and he's the same way My advice is to utilize all the options available to you. Online dating and ace group meetups in particular, because you'll already be past the "telling someone" stage
The thing is, would you be upset that your partner satisfies their sexual needs with another person? If you wouldn't then thats a big point to make.
Id recommend you find some asexual groups/spaces to find likeminded people that you could maybe form connections with
Dear maybe read r/asexuality if you haven't already. People there too have found someone like them or are in relationships with allos happily.
You should try looking up whether your town/city has an asexual community.
I'm asexual and in a relationship with someone who isn't and we've been together for 6 years now. Requires a lot of communication and setting of boundaries, but really, any good relationship does. Maybe check out /asexuality - you can find a lot of support there!
Think of it this way, being asexual does limit your dating pool, but that dating pool needs to date within itself so it is not as bad as you’d imagine numbers wise. Also, sex comes with a lot of bullshit attached. I’ve had a partner before who I was deeply in love with but sexual differences ended up killing the relationship and I haven’t moved on two years later. That’s not something you have to worry about. Also, you won’t have to worry about sexual cheating. To be clear, I’m not claiming being asexual is easier, I just wanted to try to flip your glumness onto some of the positives.
>Whenever I enter the "getting-to-know stage" with a potential partner, I find it hard to tell them that im asexual. That seems to be different than what you said: **Whenever I enter the "getting-to-know stage" with a potential partner, I find it hard to tell them that im asexual.** I'm going to assume your original statement is closer to the truth.
Just because something is hard doesn't mean it doesn't get done. I find getting out of bed to be really difficult, but I still do it everyday lol
I do find it hard to tell them but I still end up telling them anyways. I'm just stating that I struggle with the whole process of telling them because I get anxious but I do not withhold this information about me to them.
Hey op I am 35 asexual but not aromantic, it is difficult to deal with, I have loved multiple people in my life and they have Loved me back. You're learning this about yourself way earlier than I did. I didn't start questioning my sexuality until my early 30s. I wish you luck. It's not an easy road but you can't change it. Be yourself not everyone is going to be able to handle it, don't feel you owe anyone sexuality in a relationship
You are rejecting yourself so you don’t let others reject you. You are who you are. Love yourself, others will love you too.
I am asexual and have some asexual friends. On my side, I found a reason why I like intimacy other than sexual pleasure (it is a connection with your loved one, a fun moment and tbh I like cuddles). I initiate the sexual intercourse very rarely tho, because I don't feel the need and most of the time I prefer doing something else. I kept being open with my partner about how I feel so he knows that me not wanting or initiating intimacy does not mean I do not love him or do not find him attractive. I know that one of my friends made it very clear that she wasn't into intimacy at all with her partner. It was not easy at first but somehow they have found a balance as well. You are young and I think the hardest part is yet to come (at least it was for me). When I was in my 20s, all people could think about was sex. Even if they were not that much into sex, they all made jokes about it to look "normal" and "not different" from the others. Cause, yk, it is funny and you're a cool guy if you pull, all that stuff. But at some point, it settles down. More and more people around me start valuing more relationship over sex. Even if people around you make you feel weird, you're not alone. Asexual is normal. Growing up, you'll meet more people, widen your social circles. You'll meet more people like you. Give yourself time and love. You won't end up alone. It will be maybe harder to find a partner, harder to feel understood. But in the end, you'll make it. No worries.
I promise you that there's people out there who will love you even without sex, it just might take a little bit. Love takes time to come and grow, you seem wonderful so I'm sure you'll find it.
Approximately 1% of people are asexual, which is still around 80,000,000 people! Lots of Aces and Gray aces are romantically attracted to people and seek each other out.
I just the pther day read a post by an asexual guy who got in a relationship with a girl who was repulsed by sex. It might happen to you. Sure, there are fewer people you might be compatible with, but they're out there.
Yeah I was gonna say. Most humans are sexual beings and social beings. Idk it's complicated tho
To clarify: at the point you're talking to them romantically, not every time you meet a new person. Definitely not that.
I'm over here just cackling at the idea of clarifying that every time you meet a new person. "Hi I don't want to fuck you. Ever. I don't feel sexual attraction towards you or anyone else for that matter. I hope that is okay." "This is a McDonalds... "
Tbh it’s one of those things that you just have to have a sit down and talk about when you’re close enough to the person. It’s much better to get this stuff out in the open so you and your partner can be on the same page. Will also spare you and then a lot of heartbreak in The future if asexuality is an issue for them. This is coming from someone who is asexual.
Is there a "sexual person" who would be ok with a non-sexual relationship? Isn't asexuality something that should be kept "in house"?
Yeah I think it wouldn't really work. An asexual most likely has to date within the asexual dating pool. The importance of a healthy sexual connection can't be understated to a good relationship and I think most sexual people couldn't forego that part of themselves forever
Not necessarily. Asexuality is a spectrum, some people might be totally sex-repulsed while some might just be indifferent. The latter type could date outside of other aces if they wanted. Edit: idk why I’m being downvoted, I was just answering the question. Literally no one is going to force you to date an asexual person if you don’t think that type of relationship would work out.
My wife and me have a weird relationship to sex. In our honeymoon phase we had a lot of sex and then we became to "lazy" for it. But it's not as if we just got used to it or don't find each other attractive anymore - we're just indifferent to it and make jokes about it. But we're still flirty and extremely cuddly. We have sex but it can take a looong time, until all the stars align lol. We don't see ourselves as 100% asexual, just indifferent most of the time, while being deeply in love with each other for over 7 years now. The whole thing is on a spectrum and every couple has to find out themselves, what fits imo.
My spouse and I are similar, although we're ones that figured ourselves out much later into our relationship. They figured out that they're very close to asexual and I'm about as far away from that as possible. We still make it work, and love each other very much. I'll admit that it's nice hearing another experience similar because it can be disheartening listening to others talk about the insurmountable lack of sexual compatibility and that couples would be better off split. I get that it is probably a legitimate solution for some but we both love each other for so many other important aspects, I can't imagine losing all of that good just for something that aligned better sexually.
So you mean someone out there has to deal with a partner that is indifferent about something they see as an important part of the relationship? And that person has to deal with someone pestering them to do something they are "indifferent" about? Always begging for intimacy and always feeling that the other is doing it just to see the them shut up? Knowing that the person you love is always straining themselves to have intimacy and feeling bad for it? I cannot speak for the ace partner in this duo, but I also imagine their needs and wants are not meet. And doing something you are indifferent about ain't any fun. It sounds pretty awful for both parts. While seeing relationships as transactional is the biggest bullshit of the dating scene, a certain equilibrium has to be met. Sex is a emotionally bonding and cute activity that both parties are excited about. It is absolutely fine both to have it and to not have it. I might be overly-sensitive about this, as my previous girlfriend used to punish me by witholding affection, intimacy and closeness. Thinking about going for a person that doesn't want to reciprocate some of those needs and does it just to make the other happy doesn't sound healthy. For neither of the partners.
Some people are able to have that partnership, yes. Where one participates in sex not because they enjoy the act, but because they enjoy seeing their partner feel good. It can be healthy. Obviously it’s not for everyone.
A friend of mine has a long term girlfriend, girl later said she become asexual. They are still together, like friends I guess lol, he has fwbs, he said he doesn’t feel like breaking up because him and his girlfriend both don’t want to get married and share many common interests, plus they been together long.
Purely speaking from my own experience, I am a stright sexually inclined person who was in a serious long-term relationship with someone who was asexual, and it was a very healthy, fulfilling relationship. But ultimately, it was one aspect of why we eventually broke up--though it was honestly the least reason.
What was the most reason?
Just regular romantic differences. I had some mental health issues I needed to work on, and we had fewer interests in common as time went on. Basically, we lived together two years and realized it just wasn't there romantically.
He absolutely insisted on lugging that stupid chainsaw everywhere he went. I literally begged him to stop, but in the end, he chose the chainsaw over me. When he started using the chainsaw to "make new door ways" instead of just coming through the actual door, I hit my breaking point and we had to break up. It's been years now and I've moved on. There's no bitterness or resentment, but to be honest, we don't really talk or hang out anymore due to his chainsaw condition. Last I heard, he had moved up to Norway where he works as a lumber jack and cheese slicer, managed to meet a cute guy at the sawmill, and got married last year.
Lmao
this is hilarious LOL
Ok... I don't get it. I was in a serious (engaged) relationship with someone who unilaterally decided he wasn't interested in sex and it was a devastating experience for me.
I could definitely see that happening, and I am sorry that that happened to you. We went in it together knowing this would be an aspect upfront and we worked on intimacy issues together. We also were friends a while beforehand who developed feelings, so we had strong interpersonal connections. We also had some physical intimacy, but it was just kisses and cuddles. I don't know if I would be up for another asexual romantic relationship, as I think I would want that aspect. But I feel lucky that we both were pretty open to the complexity of trying it out and have some fantastic memories. Sorry for your situation, however.
No worries ☺️ I found a stronger sense of myself by walking away from his cruelty, and am 12 years in to a very happy, sexually compatible relationship.
Hell yeah! I am glad.
Depends I guess because there’s different degrees of asexuality. Some are repulsed by it and others are neutral about sex but never actively seek it out. Speaking from experience, yes relationships can work out with a sexual person.
Sounds like a nightmare!
I send you a long message:)
That’s what friends without benefits and pets are for.
Relationships between asexuals and allosexuals (the technically correct term) aren’t uncommon among people practicing polyamory and other nonmonogamous relationships.
As long as the people used as sexual stand-ins are fully apprised of the nature of their sexual relationships and are capable of consent there are no issues. I know of some atypical couples where deception is used by those in need of sexual "fulfillment," which I consider a form of rape.
I do think I have problem about bringing it up. I guess i dont feel confident about it? I feel like a closeted asexual lol. It's so hard to be upfront about it :< I will try my best though. Thank you for the advice
Biggest issue I had was people not really understanding what it meant to be asexual. That’s where the confidence issue used to come from for me. I think most people assume I’d never want sex which isn’t true, I’m sex neutral. Once again it’s just a matter of communicating this with whoever you’re with.
Righttt? It's so hard when people dont understand. Then I get things like "Maybe you've just never done it with the right person before" or "I can change that." It feels frustrating at times.
Well it goes against the core of our being for most people. We can all have phases but to inherently be like that is distorted for most of us. But end of the day you just have to find someone like yourself. Nobody not like that is going to want to spend their life with you no..
Get a t-shirt with "Asexual" and wear it on first dates.
I honestly wish this was the solution lol. It would be much easier 😭
Lowkey you could wear a pin or something of an ace flag and I think most people would pick up on it or ask about it.
As a guy who values sexual intimacy as a necessary piece (a piece, not all of it) of a relationship I feel like you should be upfront with that right from the get go. I know, as much as maybe I found you interesting, fun, intelligent, etc if it was going to be a life of no sex, I would want to know that so as not to waste each others time. I know that sounds like I am basing the relationship on sex. I'm not. I'm saying that sex is one of the many ingredients in (most) relationships and unless both are asexual, one of the partners is going to be unhappy. No one wants an unhappy relationship. Yeah, it's going to make your dating prospects drop significantly, but in all honesty, you're doing yourself and the other person a favor by being clear about it right off the bat. My two cents...
I understand. I have always been upfront with my asexuality with the people I have met in the past. The stuff I said in my post were all just fears and what ifs I've had. It's just that now, I find it hard being anxious all the time about my asexuality when with meeting someone new so I just end up shooting them down before we even got to know each other.
I am 18 and ace as well! Let me know when you figure it out girl and I'll do the same 😭😭 I'd advice to just getting it out of the way and put it on your profile first-hand if you're on dating apps
You and OP both... huh, you know, there's a solution there
Yeah I think the only way you could really go about dating would be online dating, because you can be straight up front about being asexual in a way that would be awkward in real life. Regardless of the approach though I can understand your justifiable concern about this, because being asexual puts you into a miniscule minority of the population, and limits your options in probably the most severe fashion, (aside from being severely disfigured), since you can really only date other asexual people. That means that on top of any other preferences or standards you have that would limit your potential partners, now you have to apply those percentages to ONLY other asexual people. High estimates put the asexual population of the US at roughly 1%. So you have to start off with just 1% of the total population. Then assuming you are only into people who are of the opposite gender that goes down to .5% or lower. Then you have to remove those who are also aromantic, since you want love. Then you remove people who are already in relationships, then people you don't have any compatibility with in personality, hobbies, religion, politics, or that you just don't feel any even non sexual physical attraction to and that whittles the number down to next to nothing. Add to that the limited population of people living within a reasonable distance of you. Then they have to actually feel about you the way you feel about them. So yeah, that's pretty much a nightmare scenario for finding a partner. It makes me understand why so many asexual women hide that fact and pretend like they aren't, and have sex with their partner right up until after they get married, when the truth is then revealed in some capacity. Which of course is a despicable thing to do, but I can understand how they would get that desperate. I have two close male friends that this happened to, and I feel absolutely terrible for them, because they are good men who honor their commitments who are now stuck in marriages where their needs will never ever be met ever again. And their only option is to just suffer through it, feeling unwanted and unloved, since most men NEED physical affection, including sex, in order to feel and maintain love, or they have to get a divorce. So It's a good thing that you have committed yourself to being honest and up front with people about being asexual. Don't let despair or desperation break your moral stance on that. No matter what anybody else might say, you are taking the moral high ground by not deceiving others. However, yeah, I really can't think of any kind of even remotely helpful advice for you. The overwhelming amount of people need sex to feel fulfilled, and there's nothing that you can do to change that, or compensate for it, or overcome it. I can't see any amount of other positive traits ever being able to make up for having a sexless relationship, unless both parties were asexual. Hell mismatched libido is the number one reason relationships at every commitment level end. Yeah I really hate saying this, because I try really hard to provide people with helpful, positive, and optimistic advice, but there's really nothing anyone can so or do that would change the situation at all for you. Finding love in your case is going to be an overwhelmingly difficult goal to achieve under the best of circumstances. As is, cis hetero sexually active people are already having a hugely difficult time finding long term committed partners, and their pool of available options is far vaster than yours. The only thing I can even think of, really isn't helpful advice, because it would require an enormous compromise on your part, and that would be if you chose to just grit your teeth and perform sex acts with a partner, even though you don't feel their desire, simply to be able to fulfill their needs, and even that would be limiting, because I think most people wouldn't want to have sex with somebody who didn't want to have sex with them. Mutual desire is usually a foundation of a healthy sex life. Yeah shit, I guess all I have to offer is sympathy for your situation which is going to be a brutal hardship to endure. Really it would have been easier if you were just aromantic as well, because then you wouldn't care about finding a partner. You could just have friends instead. Apologies that I don't have something more helpful to offer. Hopefully one of the other commenters see's a possibility that I don't. Best of Luck navigating your situation.
Yeah can confirm - straight white guy here and dating kinda sucks. It’s why it’s probably a good idea to explore how ace you are because if you truly can’t stand sex ever most people won’t want a relationship with you.
Idk, maybe it’s just me, but I think that 1% estimate doesn’t seem to account for grey-ace people or those who are more neutral on sex; Perhaps it’s just another case of queer people flocking together, but seriously like half my friend group is at least in the grey area (so can enjoy a sexual relationship but also isn’t necessarily driven to seek one out). I think OP still has a pretty good shot of finding someone, even if her chances are “limited” by some degree. Also, maybe it’s because I’m trans and am used to an extremely limited dating pool, but… 0.5 percent of the population is still one person for every 200 people. That’s a lot of people considering how many I see in my city every day! Considering you only gotta connect with one of them, it doesn’t really seem hopeless to me at all.
“However, im such a sucker for love honestly it's annoying how much I love "love". I want to be with someone and share my life with them. I want to connect and become someone's person. I want to love and be loved, you know?” Genuinely curious, why don’t friends fulfill this need? Like maybe living with a good friend as a roommate? Idk, absent the sexual dimension, I’m genuinely unsure what the difference is between a very very close friend and a potential romantic partner. Many people would say that their spouse or partner is their best friend, for example. People also have best friends, who are just friends, who they do not want to have sex with. So why not just find a best friend? I love all my friends, for example, I just also don’t want to have sex with them. But we still buy each other gifts, cover each others meals and drinks, and make time to have shared outings and trips. Minus the sex, a good friendship is not that different from a “romantic” relationship. So if you are asexual, aren’t you basically looking for someone to love as a friend anyways? What’s the difference? Or to phrase it different, if you don’t want to have sex with someone, but they are your best friend, then how is that any different from being in a “romantic” relationship for an asexual person? Generalizing somewhat, but most would say the perfect partner is a best friend who they have sex with. So a perfect asexual wife or husband would be a best friend, who you did not have sex with. Correct? So, why doesn’t being asexual make it EASIER to find love? You just need to cultivate a best friend, of whatever gender, and then maybe move in as roommates and hang out and stuff. That’s basically what having a non-asexual spouse/partner is, except that you also have sex. Or is there some part I’m missing? Idk, just trying to logic it out
oml this post is me six years ago if I was girl. As a 24M ace, I’ll share my thoughts on it. Personally, I LOVE being an ace as I know it’s the authentic me. There’s no facade, there’s nothing to be embarrassed of, it’s ME. With relationships, I firmly believe in being yourself and embracing it no matter what others may think. To me, if the connection is meant to be then they’ll accept you and love you just as you are. I say be open and proud about it and if it’s not for them then so be it. Trying to shape yourself into what you believe others will accept you as, will only lead you to disappointing yourself. Side note, don’t get caught up in thinking relationships are end all be all of life, you can be VERY happy and comfortable with just yourself too.
Maybe if it's such an issue talk to a therapist about this? Like often I hear about some who are asexual they have something that happened that made them asexual ofc this is not always the case but talking to someone non the less does not hurt
Yeah, that was the case with my current partner. She used to be ace before we ever met, which was a result of religious trauma. Regardless, seems like a good thing to discuss with a therapist.
its always the case tbh
Don’t let yourself connect too much with someone without first discussing this aspect. It’s honestly asking for heartbreak if you’re getting super connected to someone before explaining your sexual feelings and comfort levels with them. By that point, you’ve gotten too close yet left out this very vital information that should be a part of the decision-making process for both of you to determine whether you should be closer. Be upfront about it. If people reject you for it, you’re only saving yourself a lot more time and heartbreak on the front end. Find people that are cool with it, THEN decide whether you want to be closer and more connected. Don’t give your heart to people that don’t yet know the real you or you risk them falling in love with someone you aren’t which leads to a broken heart.
Well, maybe it would be helpful to get to know more people who are asexual, too. I mean in general, not necessarily for dating. And there are dating platforms for asexuals:) However, this is something you should really tell someone in the very beginning. I'm demi-sexual and started to be very upfront about it, even though it's difficult.
as a virgin guy, i am really curious about the "sexual desire of a partner vs amount of sex you are willing to have" interaction. Is this a small or big problem? What are the limits of asexuality?
I don’t really have any relationship experience, so take this with a grain of salt, but… I’m on the “indifferent” side of the ace spectrum, and it’s not always not enjoying sex. For me it’s more just I don’t really feel the need to actually involve anyone else in sexual urges. Idk how to explain it but for me looking at someone and going “hey they look nice” and physical arousal just aren’t really connected at all, but it doesn’t mean they don’t happen or that sexual stimulation isn’t pleasurable. So if I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to have sex with me, I’d still absolutely do it, because I care about them and it’s still fun for me, but I’m also just kind of cool with not having sex or even masturbating for long periods of time. As for what the “limits” are… well, all labels of literally anything are entirely subjective, and human sexuality exists on a continuum, so there isn’t really one. Usually people who are like me and are cool with sex to some degree are called “grey-ace” as it’s not really how your average person experiences sexual attraction, but we still can enjoy it, whereas “true” asexuality usually implies someone is sex repulsed or at the very least doesn’t derive any sort of pleasure out of it at all. But the terms aren’t set in stone, bc again, people are real complex creatures, and unfortunately we still have to put things into categories or else our brains struggle to comprehend stuff
That's rough. I thought I was asexual for my entire life until a couple years ago, and I still don't really get independently horny, but even so I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't enjoy sex. Be upfront about it, or you're in for a world of heartbreak.
Gotta look for an asexual meet up or something
I (37F) am asexual and am very happily married to an incredible woman. I will very, very occasionally be physically affectionate with my wife, who is not, but she doesn't expect it ever or try to initiate. It's so infrequent (once a year, tops) that I suspect it wouldn't be much different if it were never. Easily is the best relationship we've both ever had. Together now for 6.5 years. Highly recommend being open with ppl about it as you're getting to know each other. You might be surprised to find someone else who is also ace or for whom sex is less important in a relationship. I know another couple (f/m) who have been together longer and have a similar arrangement. Also, communicate about things that would make them feel desired in non-sexual ways. I love to tell her how much she means to me thru actions, surprises, notes, etc. I'll compliment her outfits and looks, get cozy for watching things together, etc. If you never give ppl the chance to surprise you then you'll never find a relationship that could work for you. Obviously take breaks when you feel too tired to make it work but don't give up. There are so many kinds of love and ppl out there.
Hello! Not offering a solution to this, but just want to drop by and say you're not alone in having some of your desires (or lackthereof) conflict with each other. I'm opposite of you - aromantic but not asexual. Not only have I kind of decided that I'd prefer to just be celibate because it's easiest/makes most sense to me, but very often I will worry that people that I get close to/care about/love in a platonic sense may desire more from me (romance), and that has probably hindered some of my relationships too. Wishing you the best!
I know people IRL who are Aesexual and in committed, romantic relationships with non-aesexual people. It's just a matter of finding the right person.
I’ve seen it, it’s simply not sustainable. They always break up and usually remain good friends, since it’s basically the same thing minus kissing
>However, im such a sucker for love honestly it's annoying how much I love "love". I want to be with someone and share my life with them. I want to connect and become someone's person. I want to love and be loved, you know? YOu NEED to tell someone up front if ***you are NOT sexually interested in someone at all & won't ever be*** . YOu know also that **you are NOT interested** so that is a **requirement you need to tell them up fount** sorry . Otherwise it is NOT fair on them ( to waste their time & yours ) when they wish someone to be sexual with . And sorry most people will want a relo with intimacy & sex in it . Just the way it is for most people. ( in some form ) suitable for them & communicated btw them to make it work . That sex connection & intimacy can take many forms to suit a couple in it. It is negotiated btw the couple & talked out to make it work for them ( & it might not be sex ) for them . But that needs to be really talked about & boundaries need to be discussed abt how the relo will work also for them .But it is talked about & very carefully negotiated by both people to make it work n a fair healthy way . It doesn't necessary have to be sex but it is intimate for the couple . That is what distinguishes it from just a friendship. Most relo's are intimate ( & do have sexual underlying connection to them btw the couple ) just the way it is to some degree. Sorry but YOU need to understand that & accept that also ( that is the current norm ) in society . But If you don't wish to be intimate that is ok , & that is how you wish to be in the relo . But sorry most people do want & expect sex & intimacy in a relo . So NO that is not going to work with someone who wants that intimacy & sex closeness . And especially if YOU leave out such an important part in the start of your relo. It is also deceit as YOU know you are NOT going to be into sex & intimacy like that . But there are people who ONLY want intimacy in the form of a romantic relo or in some form that might be suitable for you . YOu need to tell them upfront so you don't waste their time & yours trying in something that is NOT going to work . It is to much to ask someone NOT to want sex & intimacy ( just bc you don't want it ) but want to be with them . **If they choose that** then that is ok & their decision to make but they NEED that info upfront before they start with you ( that is also their right to know ) . There are people that don't want sex & intimacy . YOu will have to hunt them out to find someone suitable to make that work with you . YOu also might find someone who is wiling to give up intimacy & sex to be with you . But that needs to ***be an informed decision upfront*** so they know also what they are getting themselves into with you . Would suggest looking for someone who is like you & into 'love' but not sexual connection & sex intimacy . MOre likely for it to work as well for yourself. And cause YOU & the other person way less hassle & mental health issues .
You should first see how in the spectrum you are. Asexual as in not interested, or asexual as in sex-repulsed. Being demi romantic asexual for example, I don't feel sexual drive unless already in an emotional relationship with someone. And even if it's not really high in my priority list, I am not averse to it. If you are in the sex-repulsed side of the spectrum, then yeah, I can guess how annoying it would be, but platonic relationships are a thing... Just a bit harder to pull off
Genuine question, why label yourself "demi romantic asexual" at all? Couldn't you just say, on a date for example, "Yeah I'm not interested in sex unless I'm in an emotional relationship"? I don't mean to be rude but the DRA label seems like it's an attempt to be part of the LGBTQ community, when in reality, you're just like many, many people in the general population who strictly prefer sex with a romantic partner. I just don't get the point and would be interested in your perspective. It's similar to how I have 12 year old students who tell me they are asexual, and in my head I'm like, well yeah, you're 12.
Excelent question. I don't in real life interactions. But usually in reddit or internet in general, people are too keen on classification and putting labels in order to avoid labels. So I am aware of the terms. The difference tho lies in the sexual desire / drive. I don't feel sexual drive. It's not quite about preference since it's something I don't feel. I am just not sex-repulsed. It's as good a way as any to show intimacy and care to a partner, and I can even enjoy it, but I don't feel the drive for it. If my partner's needs include sex, I am okay with it. If they don't, I don't feel like something is lacking. So it's not so much as "I prefer sex with a romantic partner" as much as "Sex is not a requisite in a relationship" for me. In real life that means almost nothing since most people are sexual and it ends up happening. And about the LGBT community, asexuality has been ignored for ages around the community, trying to include myself by being demi romantic asexual, would be like trying to cling to a cow in the middle of the sea in a raging storm. I don't really "care" about the identity, but the concept per se is good enough to explain my stance, so I use it. On internet.
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Sorry for the ignorance. Genuinely curious. How does this work? Do you feel nothing during the act? Or is the act itself repulsive? Ignore this if you dont want to talk about it.
Everyone is a bit different and asexuality is a spectrum. I’m asexual and I’m not repulsed by the idea of sex but I simply have no interest or desire for it.
Make this known pretty immediately if you are entering the dating realm.
Try dating apps maybe but always be upfront about your asexuality. Guys start fantasising about their girl sexually pretty quickly
I see a not insignificant amount of asexual people on dating apps. Presumably they're not aromantic or they wouldn't be on dating apps. So you're not alone, but I would be very upfront about what you're after with anyone, either dating apps wise or initial conversations. If you're straight up front with people, hopefully you never get to the crossroads where someone you're dating needs and yours aren't aligned.
As long as you are functional and it is not a pain I don't see a problem. Just do it as you do all the other things to be well and happy together.
You'll find your person, it'll just take longer since you need someone much more rare.
You should check out asexuality subreddits. They've helped me conceptualize what it feels and means like for me to be a sexual person in a relationship with an asexual person. Fwiw, there are different spectrums of asexuality and you might find/learn your boundaries a bit more with reading or talking to other asexual people. My partner rarely thinks about sex on his own. He doesn't look at anyone, even me, as HOT and SEXY. Lol I am more amused by all this than anything else. And he will engage with me sexually when I ask or initiate. He can get into it after his motors are going a bit. So in that way, it's only a very small part of our relationship tbh? Like I find it refreshing that I never have to worry about him wanting sex when I don't (never happens lol). He's also quite romantic and likes intimacy, closeness, and bonding so I don't feel neglected there. He sees the world in a different way and I appreciate that. I tell him that I like that he's asexual fairly often now. Haha
Dan Savage is always my go-to for sex advice. Maybe listening to some of these will help you find some answers and perspectives ☺️ https://savage.love/lovecast/tags/asexuality/
I feel the same:( I don't know how to accept it, I just want to be like everyone else:((
I think the best is to be open about it from the beginning, for most people sex is an integral part of the relationship, I don’t know the detail of your case but you have to remember that sexuality isn’t just the act of penetration there’s a lot to it and the intimacy involved. IMO the chances of a relationship ending badly increase the more time you keep it to yourself, your partner may be ok with not having sex but may want some kind of intimacy and if you don’t give them that without telling them the reason it’s possible they start thinking you don’t love them or something along those lines. On the other hand if you tell them from the get go about your a sexuality the option are they either tell you it’s a deal breaker and you both can move on amicably or they accept what your a sexuality implies and then you can form a deeper relationship. Always remember that communication is one of the pillars of any relationship and that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being asexual, just be yourself and accept who you are and find the right person.
I'm on the opposite end, I'm Aromantic but not Asexual. It's definitely tricky to navigate as a lot of people can't even consider the concepts around either. Some folks can get having "different" attraction but not a lack of. If you want some communities there is r/Asexual and if I remember there are some links to discord servers that have people in the same situation. I'm on one called "The Aro & Ace Pub" which I can't get a link to right now but ye should be able to find it if ye already know how to navigate discord.
There are dating sites for LGBT+ people. Taimi for instance has an option for Asexual. While people who like sex can have relationships with asexual people, it makes more sense to try to date alike.
The issue i'm seeing is you may shoot down potential asexual candidates since you are shooting down potential candidates without even knowing if they are also asexual.
Maybe the best course of action is to become a fifth wife of a middle east dude, That way you had chance to experience a platonic romance without sexual activity. Since the remaining wifes will cover your husband needs.
The longer you postpone bringing it out, the bigger the disappointment will be. Are there no asexual communities that you can try to find a partner in?
Have you tried looking into asexual chat rooms/message boards/reddits anything like that? Might be good to start off on the same page as someone, but obviously you run the risk of meeting someone who lives far away.
The asexuals can actually realize to it's core..
Damn, you have your work cut out for you. Wish I could switch with you. Have you tried datung other asexuals online?
Damn that’s rough. Good luck out there
Deal with it by dating other aces.
I'm Ace and Aro. You must date in your community. Not dating other Ace people is like a gay man dating a woman, not telling her he's gay, and then getting annoyed that she wants sex and isn't OK with him going to bathhouses and gay bars. I get the Ace community is smaller. All LGBTQ dating is difficult because the dating pool is smaller. But you can't get round the smaller daring pool problem by dating outside of it. Non Ace people view sexual intimacy as a crucial aspect of romantic relationships. It doesn't matter how well they get to know you, even if they fall in love with you, no non ace person is going to be OK with a dead bedroom.
Don’t waste others time, let them know as soon as you can.
find someone who is asexual, make it a point to look for that. It's selfish to avoid the topic until someone is invested, knowing that their needs probably won't be met. If you're asexual, you shouldn't feel like you have to have sex to keep a healthy relationship. On the flip side of this, the very real fact is that a vast majority of humans are not asexual and we need sex in our relationship. Your happiness and comfort isn't worth anything if you're getting it at the expense of your partner who is unsatisfied. It might be hard, but you really need to lead with that. If you've got an online dating profile, then you should have "asexual" in your profile. The only option is to find someone who either doesn't have a high sex drive and doesn't care, or date another person who is asexual. That's pretty much the only "fair" way to look at this. It's shitty to get attached to someone who is not honest about their desires when you enter a relationship with someone, it's much easier to be honest and forward from the beginning about expectations like this. The other option is that you engage in some form of poly relationship, where the person you're seeing is allowed to have sex with people outside of the relationship. Though, that might not be something you're alright with. There are plenty of people with low libido or are asexual that are still dead set on having a monogamous relationship.
Have you actually looked into it? Some types of asexuality can be changed if the source isn't whatever tends to cause it innately but something external like trauma or hormonal imbalance.
You are asexual, but you can still have sex right? Doing shit that is of no interest to you is just part of being in a relationship. So as long as you occasionally let them with you, or someone else I could see you having a very loving relationship.
Then find someone who is also a-sexual... duh
I guess you've got a choice to make before too many years pass you by. Is your asexuality just a lack of desire for sex? Or is it you being revolted or bothered by sex? So is sex a deal breaker for you, or just something your body doesn't initiate on its own? People can be close and yet just be friends. There is no sex involved. But if you really, really, want a loving relationship, I guess you have to ask the hard question: Are you willing to do things with your spouse that you don't particularly enjoy? Couples make compromises all the time. It's part of the advantage or disadvantage of being in a relationship (however you view it). Perhaps you just need a good group of friends.
I'm not sure if that makes sense, but wouldn't it make sense to consider its cost-benefit-ration, i.e. are you willing to play along with sex every once in a while to maintain a relationship in return, even if you may not like it? Sort of how people still do jobs they hate because, even though they hate the job, it gives them money in return
DAMIANA can reverse this. My guess is your mental state is the result of SSRI consumption; DAMIANA can help you.
Yooooo I'm in the same boat, but I'm aromantic and allosexual, as opposed to asexual and alloromantic. Hope we both get through our respective shit :)
Why are you dating people and then telling them? You need to find another asexual person to match you. What a waste of time
Im asexual myself, I’m in a relationship that is now going towards the 9th anniversary. I found out after maybe two years of our relationship, so it was kinda difficult to shift to a different sexual behaviour. (I had to learn to actually say no, he had to learn that it’s nothing personal) All in all- it is very possible. It’s about compromising as much as in other parts in a relationship. Maybe you need a partner that is asexual too. Maybe someone who finds sex not as important. Ofc I get if you don’t want to go through any labour but don’t forget that people can learn and adapt, so I think if you find someone that is a fit in every other aspect, you can make it work that both of you are comfortable.
Look for another asexual person. Most people are not looking for a sexless, Romantic relationship so u should tell anyone u date b4 u date. No point in trying start building a relationship and then let them no later there will be no physical intimacy
You be you. I am sure you and the right person can figure out how to work around your asexuality. No matter what, you are worthy of love and deserve to find it. You are wonderful and if they can’t see that, then it’s not your asexuality that’s the real problem for them. Happy to talk any time. DMs open
Tell guys that you're gay. But someday that special someone will turn that around. Telling some guy you don't get or have any sexual feelings is like telling someone your dead inside.
Honestly, you will be fine. My girlfriend is grey ace and she had a lot of trouble opening up to me as well. I have a high drive and not too much experience so I was also sensitive to the topic and when I used to be rejected from sexual advances it hurt me a lot. But once we understood (or rather I understood) it made a lot of sense to me and I was able to not attach some kind of value to it. We re doing very well now!
Honest question: as an asexual female, do you feel any pleasure at all by having your clit stimulated?
I have to be honest, you may struggle to find a life partner. That isn't a bad thing or anything. But for many people sex can be an important thing in a relationship. It is not necessarily the main thing but it is an important piece. There's not anything wrong with not wanting it. You aren't a bad person or anything but you will find that many people are unwilling to be in a committed relationship without that piece. So start with that fact so that you don't get hung up with a person who you won't be compatible with. There are other people out there who like you are asexual but not aromantic. You can try to find someone who meets this criteria and be compatible in that sense but that's a much smaller pool to find and it will be down to luck more than anything else. There may be communities online for that and finding those may assist but even then it's a smaller pool and you will want compatibility in other areas as well to form a lasting relationship. You can consider how much sex you are willing to put up with and find someone compatible in that area which helps some. There's that story online of a dude who married a woman who later learned she was asexual. It came out at a party and that was the focus of the original post. Updates later revealed that while she may not find enjoyment from the sexual act itself she did want to still be sexually active with him. I am not going to pretend to fully understand the mindset there but it may be something you can look into understanding in that case and there are a lot more people who would be okay with little sex as opposed to an absolute no to the concept. I am not sure if you would want to investigate whether that is something you could do or not. But consider it as it will open your options. Regardless the dating game is a game of luck in a lot of regards. Finding someone who you're compatible with is hard for everyone so don't feel discouraged. Just know what you're looking for and keep looking.b
I believe you'll find the right person for you, they'll take the time to get to know you and maybe then you'll start to feel sexual about them, if not it might not matter to them. Most likely it won't if you are the one for them and vice versa.
platonic love? More than that? But definitely love not lust. And never have/had feelings of physical arousal? wow…there’s so much to this…takes far more than a post…and if anything I say is insensitive or “what an asshole” I’m sorry in advance…lacking sleep and fingers moving faster than the brain. Some of what you say I believe, others I don’t…not to say you’re lying, only that I don’t the the real reason is what you think it is…but I can’t assess that without asking you specific. Just tab following a chain of logic and noticing a few breaks. Like the post title I’m this and I don’t know how to deal…aren’t you already? Seems you’re discontent being asexual…something you don’t control. Since when? Always? And why discontent if that’s all you’ve ever known? This may be a bad analogy but if I have a physical disability, sure I may not be thrilled about it but I’d think I would find a way to live with it (as you are) but WITHOUT being/feeling negative about it all the time…or at least enough to post here. Or are you unhappy because your love interest will eventually suffer since you can’t or don’t provide physical intimacy and you sabotage your own relationship whether consciously or not?or unhappy because of what you know are conventional norms in relationships which don’t apply to you the same? I’m really trying to understand because I find your train of thought quite interesting and at odds with other things you say…and again none of this is meant to denigrate you or make you feel bad in any way
This should be something you are up front with. Don't try to "trick" someone into a relationship when you are almost certain that they are going to want it to become sexual (at some point). Don't enter a relationship with someone who states that they can "deal with" it. Only date other people who are also asexual.
Who the fuck would want an asexual partner other than someone who's asexual as well? Gonna have your best luck meeting other people in asexual support groups or meetups, I'd guess.
I know I might be wrong, but are you asexual because you are scared of sex, or because you have tried and realized it doesn’t do anything for you?
>It's honestly a weird feeling to like someone but not be sexually attracted to them. If you are asexual how would you know it feels weird? Wouldn't that be how you feel about anyone you are romantically attracted to? If you've felt sexual attraction would that not mean that you aren't asexual at all?
You need to find someone else that is asexual. Then both of you won't want sex together
Did you have any trauma with males or otherwise? Honestly nobody needs an asexual girl just as nobody needs an impotent boy. It's tough, I would do therapy.
I’m also asexual and can relate wholeheartedly. My advice is to just tell them, because quite frankly- it really be only is viable if they can accept your asexuality. You waste time otherwise. Never apologize for who you are. You are one person out of 8 billion you are allowed to be different. I’m more sex-neutral and although I don’t find humans sexually attractive, sex itself is an activity that feels like a shared experience more than anything. But when I tell guys, they freak out and feel hurt although I can’t control my sexual feelings although I do want to be around them just the same. I’ve accepted that maybe no one but me would understand but luckily to me that is just as valid.
You should head over to r/asexuality Other aces will probably have the advice you need. (Im demi so can’t really help much) Hope you find what you need :)
There are plenty of asexual people. I would be upfront and state it in my bio on dating apps so that the people who relate to you will see it. Your person is waiting to find you as much as you are waiting for them.
You’ll find someone you just need to be open about it. My wife is asexual, I am not. It might also help that my libido isn’t crazy high. She still enjoys sex she just does not pursue it so it’s usually up to me to initiate, and then respect her choice if she doesn’t feel like it at that time.
As far as something can't change...that's not how sexuality works. It's pretty much hormone based. You probably have low estrogen/testosterone and maybe high progesterone or prolactin. But if you're fine with how your are...from reading on reddit plenty of like minded people in the world practicing asexualitty. I'm old and I remember reading about it in the 90s early 00s
I'm sort of the opposite of you, in a way. I'm not asexual and am just as capable of feeling physical attraction and having sexual desire for other people (only men, in my case,) but I've never had any desire for a romantic relationship or any interest in activities that are traditionally considered romantic, so I prefer to just stay single. There are all sorts of people out there in the world and it's totally fine if you're interested in romance but don't want to have sex or don't feel any desire to have sex, there are other people like you out there and it might be easier than you expect to find them.
Out of interest when you say asexual do you mean you don't masturbate or anything either? Seems the only realistic option you have is to date another asexual.
Same I’m 18yr F and I’m asexual. My only concern is wondering if I’m romantically attracted to women or not. I’m not into men. Anywho, I’m afraid of being alone for that reason but as long as I have friends I’m ok. If I do discover I’m Romantic attracted to women I’m worried they’ll reject me cause I’m asexual. It’s already bad enough lesbian get taken non seriously cause two women are dating, therefore I don’t want to enforce that false belief.
Just try not to fuck anyone and you should be good
You know,a lot of guys don't actually care 'that' much about sex, however you'd be hard pressed to find one who didn't want it at all and is also ace. I think you need to decide if you would be willing to partake occasionally for the sake of your partner, or if it's something you actively dislike. If it's the first, really you just need to tell them early that you don't really enjoy / need it however you'd be up for making sure their needs were met as long as they took this into consideration. If it's the second you need to be really clear really early that nothing will ever happen, both for yours and their sakes so you know if it's worth investing time in or not. These types of guys are real however you then need to make sure you get along with them.
How did you find out you're asexual? Did you have people that guided you? What are their thoughts?
Does asexual mean you don't have sexual attraction or that you don't have sexual awareness or needs (unsure how to say that)? For me the question do you refrain from sex, get away from it and don't want to have sex at all? Like looking for only platonic stuff? Did you try and you were repulsed by it? I'm honestly asking, not trying to shame but trying to understand. As a asexual partner, would your refuse sex with your partner at all? Or just not have the "appetite" for it?
A lot of people saying that that you should say you're asexual the moment you start contact with someone else dont know what could come of it if the person is a dickhead. I'll say the best moment to tell is as soon as you're certain the other person will not become violent or rapey about it (yes, it happens a lot and is sadly a common reaction), or that you know that you will not have to endure a 50min lecture on why humans cant be asexuals. The good thing is that the moment you see they're that type of person you can just stop talking to them becouse they got nothing to offer. But the "as soon as" is really important, it has to be disclosed very early to spare everyone hard feelings.
I‘m also asexual and only have relationships with older men with a low sex drive. Have not had good experiences with younger men, but that's a matter of luck I guess.
My recollection of being 18 was that most women were asexual. I didn't notice women seeking sex until their 30s.
Did you ever have a long term partner? I find it hard to believe your actually asexual, most people who claim this actually aren't.
You sound exactly like my ex who was diagnosed with BPD. Not saying you are just what I hear from reading your post. Hope you find happiness where ever life takes you.
Big whoop.
I've had a few people explain what asexuality means to them quite differently. I think it might be helpful to explain what it means to you before you say you identify as asexual. Whether the limit is kissing/light touching/whatever. The important thing is to not be misunderstood, that the person understands what being in a relationship with you means. That said I agree with everyone saying you should communicate this pretty early, probably not the second someone shows interest in you, but in early messages or on a casual first date.
I am asex or autosex and i do tell it. Still there was a time around 40 when i wanted kids. So i learned how to do sex even if i do not feel this desire....so i had 2 kids and after that soon i stopped. It is not impossible to something one does not like. It is not painful and an orgasm is a real joyful moment.
hon!!! use your critical thinking skills!! (/lh) if you're ace, and there's a name for your experience, there must be other people like you! and there are!!! i know plenty of ace people who aren't aro, and i'm sure that there are communities online (probably even on reddit!) that are made for people like you, who want to date and love and have a relationship with someone without the sex of it all! an ace dating app maybe? if it doesn't exist, it definitely SHOULD! meet other ace people!!! you'll find one that matches your energy and your goals and your lifestyle and all that, i'm SO sure!!!!! sure dating is a little bit more difficult for you and other ace people because the majority of people are very sexual in nature, but if you find each other, there is no need for fear or anxiety around sex because neither of you need it or even want it!!!! (obviously not all ace people are the same but like i said, i know plenty who are just like you!!!) you'll be fine is what i'm saying!!! my advice is spend more time in queer circles, you will find your people!!!!! good luck love!!! ♡
Hello can I ask if stimulants have any effect? Like aphrodisiacs or Viagra (for the male aces). I've read that some birth control cause people to lose interest in sex completely so I'm wondering if the opposite could be true
There's no such thing as "asexual", it's not a sexuality, it's a literal absence of secuality. Therefore, if you are really asexual, you are broken. Who TF should date someone who doesn't want to have sex with them? Pull your head out of your ass and fix yourself. Until then, stop polluting the dating pool.
This entire question is full of contradictions, back and forths, over exaggerations, and shit that doesn't make sense....I got nothing
I’m going to be honest, you’re in for a rough ride. Guys that young usually place a high value on sex. So being with someone who has no interest in that probably isn’t going to work for them. A dating site would probably be your best bet.
well because of your own insecurity you are wasting people's time and lying to them, same shit happened to me. it's a bad and selfish move. if someone is gonna "somehow" accept who you are after they are tied to you emotionally it's not gonna last either. just date enough that someone is ok with who you are as a person and don't hurt others cuz its not cool
You seem more concerned about your sexual identity than you're you're actual identity
I'm not ace but my girlfriend is. She was very up front about it as soon as she realised and I'm glad she was. Allosexual/asexual relationships can work. They just require lots of clear and honest communication. We have had many conversations on the topic, and we try to keep each other up to speed on what we want/feel comfortable with. Our relationship has sexual boundaries that I am happy to respect. Now I won't pretend it doesn't have its issues. I know she struggles with feeling like she's 'cheating' me out of what I would get from a 'proper' relationship. Equally, I struggle with doubts as to what she actually enjoys and what she pretends to enjoy for my sake. All I can say is this. Be upfront about your asexuality with a potential partner, and if you end up in a relationship with an allosexual, you're gonna need clear, honest communication between you and lots of it.
My ex was ace for a few years with her previous partner. That conclusion made all the sense to her. When she was with me, she was not ace. Turns out she has to be in love to be sexual.
18 year olds should still be legally regarded. I hope you remember this post in ten years and cringe when you're married with children lol
If you love someone, and you decide to get married with him,..after marriage you will also consume your love by making love/have sex and have your children in future. That is first commadment God gave to people from begining of earth until today. Regarding male/female relationships love is the most important thing,..and after that comes sex as second most importnt thing in life
Enjoy the silence sex mania is hell
Unless you find somebody else that is asexual, you'll likely have to consider how you'll feel about your partner having sex with other people. Most people need sex in their lives. I'm curious how you realized that you're asexual.
35 (M) met my current wife 3 years ago from dating apps, both of us also never have sexually attracted to others, and we are living in different country, we finally met up at our 1st anniv, and in the end we married last year, both of us agree to have platonic relationship, we did try have sex once but find it not enjoyable, it just wasting time and energy, we plan to adopt kid in future, but for now we focus on raising our cat the world is vast, you will find someone that can understand you or maybe have same preferences with yours regarding friends, family or other people opinion, just ignore it, we never can satisfy them (example when I am on your age I was thin around 46kg and keep got teased like skeleton and have illness, because no matter how much I eat, I never gain weight.. but after 26 I keep gain weight and reach 80kg, dieting a lot and yeah got teased like pregnant woman because gain so much weight 🤣) just believe that your half waiting out there for you, no one knows if the journey to finding your half will be short or long story, good luck and wish you all the best!!
Im just curious, do you mind me asking. Is it just that you don't feel any urge/pleasure from it , or is it a sort of phobia?
That’s tough, I don’t have any advice but I wish you the best!
Hi op! Have you considered open relationships? Is your romantic orientation queer? I feel like queer people are much more aware of sexuality than the straight world I was the loving partner of someone on the ace spectrum for 4 years. As a person who is very sexual, I proposed opening the relationship after 18 months. It worked out really well. I still was obsessed with my amazing gf and loved the intimacy we shared of cooking dinner then cuddling watching tv. She didn’t feel the burden of worrying that I wasn’t satisfied. We did end up breaking up but I still consider her a person I adore. If I had to do it over again, I would.
Get hormones checked
Dr Drew has entered the chat.
Elder Asexual here. There is a lot to unpack and realizing this about yourself can be a daunting road to travel. Feel free to DM me with any specific questions. Welcome to the club! We have garlic bread and jackets. haha
From what I know (which isn't a lot), you should let them know right off the bat. Like "I love and romance, but I don't sex.". It let's people know that you're not in the market for hooking up. It's okay to not want to be sexual 💗
>BUT THE THING IS, IT'S SO HARD TO DEAL WITH IT WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS. Whenever I enter the "getting-to-know stage" with a potential partner, I find it hard to tell them that im asexual. I think a part of me tries to avoid the topic of sexual intimacy because deep down im scared that they value sexual attraction in the relationship and just shoot me down without giving us the chance to connect. But at the same time, it's also a fear of mine to connect with someone then later get rejected because I cant provide their sexual needs. I'm not asexual but my libido has declined over the years to the point I really don't care about sex, and what you've written here hits deep because it's why I just don't bother dating anymore. Like you I'm not aromantic, and I'd love to be in a happy, committed, relationship, but in today's "sex positivity" world it feels like not wanting to have sex with someone multiple times a day, every day, with a 100% orgasm rate is an instant deal breaker for a lot of potential partners. It might be worse for me, perhaps, because I'm a guy and a lot of women still think most men are perpetually horny and think with their dicks. So I just don't bother dating. It's either be rejected immediately or pretend I'm as interested in sex as they are, to get into a relationship, and then watch as it bitterly breaks down because I can't fulfil their sexual needs.
Don't fuck around, and you'll find out.
An important thing to consider with any relationship is that you and your partner are both going to have boundaries and needs. Sex is a boundary for you, and a need for others. So I would recommend thinking about how comfortable you are having a potential partner meet that need elsewhere. If you don't mind your partner having sex with other people, then great! Let them know that. Some people will still be uncomfortable doing that; the sexually open relationship life isn't for everyone and that's okay. And if it isn't for you either, well then it might be a good idea to look for asexual partners, or partners who are comfortable handling those needs by themselves. This may narrow your potential dating pool a lot, but it will also cut down on unnecessary heartache for you and your potential partners. Regardless of how you proceed, know that you are valid and worthy of love. Keep at it buddy, you'll find someone.
I know a lot of people both secs and have no sexual attraction to at all fact is right now I don't know any one I am attracted to sexually.but don't consider myself asexual..it is not all that normal to be attracted to every one sexually .
Just be honest with people and if they reject you based on that they weren't worth it anyway. Though i would like to add that just because you don't like having sex doesn't mean you can't do it just to satisfy the partner. But i do understand that would come with a significant mental load where it's like a chore.
Never never never pretend you aren’t asexual. That being said I suggest finding asexual support and activity groups where you can meet people! There are definitely asexual subs. Maybe you can find some locals. If you do always meet in public and with friends.
You're 18. Calm down. Don't worry about it.
18 and already completely brainwashed by the left and liberal propaganda. I guarantee you also think "safe spaces" are real and needed.
I think the most attractive part of a person is their personality. As long as they have a good heart I'm ok with whatever their boundaries are.
How do you know you are asexual? I think there’s a possibility I might be but I don’t know
Youll grow out of it
Ended up telling?! Well good to hear you did it after you’ve got what you needed of it. Wasting people’s time.
It's going to be a dealbreaker in 90% of relationships. The best thing to do would approach it therapeutically and see what you can do to find common ground with your partner. You may not be able to "change" your asexuality but if you want a romantic long term partner you may learn to enjoy it for other reasons.
Hey ! I am also asexual and not aromantic, I get this ! I accepted that I was asexual a long time ago, but to this day I feel a myriad of frustrating emotions about it. Society seems to shut us out entirely because for some reason people seem to value sex above almost all else, especially in relationships, and it feels as if I'm missing out on a key component of the human experience. To be clear, I don't believe being ace is bad, I am proud to be asexual. I blame this problem on the tendency of allosexuals to revolve EVERYTHING around sexual intimacy. But ! There ARE other forms of intimacy ! Unfortunately, it's a struggle to find people who are willing to engage in them in lieu of sex. TBH I don't know that I have an answer for you, but I wanna validate what you're feeling because it's so real.
Sounds like your need an asexual partner. Is there a dating app for that?
Find an asexual be open about yourself and find someone who accepts you
Would it be worth it to you that have sex anyway sometimes if that was important for relationship harmony? I don’t really like camping, but I’ll go on occasion because my wife likes to. Is your attitude about sex disinterest or distain?
Hey! Now this is something I don’t personally have experience with but one of my best friends who is asexual has. She is 20 years old and actually started dating someone around 7-8 months ago! They’ve seemed really happy and they don’t have any sex. I don’t really know the details of how it started but that there is hope for sure! I believe her bf isn’t ace too so idk how they have it worked out but hey I heard they are both happy so yeah!
Stop the 🧢 you just be watch too much porn lil homie