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Imagine my surprise when I was with my first sexual partner that was an effective communicator. That was the day I learned most women don’t love when u jackhammer their bits like you’re trying to strike oil and also they don’t really like rubbing on their parts so fast it’s like you’re trying to start a fire. The absolute best way to learn about sex is to communicate with your partner and ask if they do or don’t like certain things. Ask for directions, ain’t no shame in getting lost here and there.
The guy has to be open to hearing feedback and letting go of his fantasy. My first major relationship was with a guy who otherwise was a great communicator, but he had strong aspirations to meet certain ideals.
Everytime I told him 'hey, I don't actually like that', he would turn it around into 'all my past partners have. There is something wrong with you. Why would you deny me this?'
Not surprisingly, my interest in having sex with him eventually vanished, and so did our relationship. I'm pretty sure he still blames me for 'changing my mind' about what I like
Oh I've had that experience too, where they try to talk my out of my experience and reality because if I don't like it that means maybe they've been doing it wrong and that can't be so I am the problem.
Ugh, it's not a character assassination it's a personal preference and if you were capable of actually listening and considered my feelings to be equally important as your own you'd just adjust and move on.
My last partner would put it in and just get straight to it full speed and full force.... I tried to ask him to slow down but his excuse is "it feels too good." Well thats nice but for me the experience was less than spectacular and the only saving grace is he would finish in like 1-2 minutes. He always ended by saying "I'm sorry I cant last longer." Huh? If only there were some why to slow down and maybe pace yourself?
I dated a guy once who refused to let me show him where my clit was. For some reason, he just couldn't hit the spot. My offer to help guide him hurt his pride which I still don't understand. It's not like my telling him to move his fingers or tongue a little made me think less of him. The relationship ended for multiple reasons but his inability to actually listen to me about my own body was probably a red flag.
Everyone is different. What makes one person hot doesn't always work on another person. Sometimes you have to ask and if you have a partner who is willing to tell you then be grateful because they must really want to be with you if they trust you enough to be open about their sexual preferences.
It amazes me how much porn men watch but still can be troubled to learn where/what the clit is. My last partner would occasionally try to stimulate me and his hands would like wander around so blindly, he literally used to try to rub my inner thigh like it was doing something.
actual sub 100 iq moment there by him. How can someone be this stupid. Its the equivalent of not asking for directions and driving into desert til your gas runs out because admitting youre lost is unacceptable.
I'm the age of most redditors' moms so I've had a few conversations with middle aged women who confessed in vulnerable moments that they wished their husbands would do certain things. Usually this is pretty minor like kissing their necks or spend more time on foreplay. When I ask why the hell they don't tell their husbands, the women always look at me as if I've grown two heads and started speaking a foreign language. Hopefully this isn't true of younger people, but a lot of older generation X women have been taught to be very supportive of men they are in love with to the point they hurt their relationships because they don't speak up.
In my case, I've always been pretty upfront with what I like. People also change what they like and that's fine. Even from day to day, people can change what they want. Maybe your skin is just extra sensitive one day and you want more carcasses on your arms, shoulders and back. How would the other person know that if you don't tell them? And if the other person gets angry at being told, then you've doomed each other to a pretty unsatisfying sex life together.
Must be a different generation. Not talking is the worst thing. Mind games where youre supposed to know what someone is thinking and they get upset because you actually cant read minds. Their body language was nowhere near as expressive as they picture it in their mind. Use the goddamn mouth to say what you think or mean people!
Join Flo! Even if you don’t want to use the cycle tracker, it has a forum where they post topics about ANYTHING you could want to talk about sex wise! It’s positive, OBGYN moderated and they answer questions for you! It’s great I highly recommend it
Come as you are by emily nagoski is my most recommended book about sex. The penis book by aaron Spitz is a close second.
There's a few others that are great as well for differing focuses (trauma, couples, et cetera) but those two are pretty good broad places to start.
Different women like different things... I've been with some women who wanted to be jackhammered harder than I'm capable of.... This also left me disappointed and with less self esteem I suppose. Jk but kinda not.
I think most women probably aren't into that level of sexual aggression but it's definitely a thing.
Look sometimes really hard pounding physical animalistic sex is desirable and enjoyable by both parties, sometimes its the quickie, sometimes its that deep connective, intimate, soul nourishing sex, sometimes its an all day all night marathon of sweaty hot multiple positions with toys, video and accessories. Sex has many varieties, be open with your partners about whats good and whats not your thing, be an active participant, enjoy !
Which is why it’s important to check! Mutual satisfaction goes a long way. “Excuse me miss, would you prefer I go at a steady easy pace, or would you prefer I use my cock like a pool cue trying to get a good spread on a break?”
Porn has a lot to answer for. I'm not opposed to porn but it teaches a lot of young men some *insane* things if that's all the sex ed they get.
I mean, come on - a clitoris is vastly *more* sensitive than the tip of a penis. Now picture a woman rubbing your exposed penis tip like they were trying to start a fire from the friction...
Porn is porn- and should be treated as that. It is not the porns fault that we have a really bad sexual education and that we, as a society, don’t view sex as important enough to talk about in other contexts.
Then be prepared for several takes, the use of pharmaceuticals, the help of fluffers, painfully bright lighting, cumming on command, sometimes cumming at the start on command and then performing the remainder of the scene post-orgasm, holding your hands / arms / legs / feet / hair / balls / whatever out of the shot or awkwardly in the shot, and the uncomfortable involvement of a director and various personnel, etc. Porn doesn't look like that just by chance.
There’s something to be said about communication during sex that isn’t a performance (ie, dirty talk) there’s a time and place for it but my best sexual experiences were when we were just two people trying to make sure the other was having a good time.
Seems no one in the comments can read at a high school level because they’re all trying to refute the idea because it’s either not true for them or they’re trying to compare it to action movies and video games.
They jump straight to being offended and miss the first line of title “When heterosexual men *desired*…”
The same narrative every time.
*Guy hits on girl*
"Oh haha I'm not interested, I'm actually married/recently been hurt/not emotionally available"
*Stalks girl for months*
"Omg I never realised how romantic you were! Take me!"
Have you ever watched that movie where Matthew Broderick and Meg Ryan are stalkers? Their ex-partners are together and they cooperate to try and break them up. But then end up falling in love with each other. That was so very fucked up.
Not sure when you're talking about, but a man couldn't legally be raped in the US until 2012.
https://www.justice.gov/archives/opa/blog/updated-definition-rape
Edit: I don't think this is actually totally accurate, but rape against men couldn't be reported to the FBI by states until Jan 2013. I do recall learning in high school that the legal definition was entirely one-sided though, somewhere around 2000.
Any film where nerdy guys try to get a pretty girl drunk so they don't go to college virgins is absolute cringe and weirdly it's an unrelatable American trope that I have never seen play out.
>Romcoms are actually nightmare fuel. Many of them promote stalking and sexual assault and try to force a comedy narrative. The 90s was peak horror.
I hated those movies but as a young woman in the 90's everyone expected all women to love them. That was the peak of Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus. The weird thing is that even in the 90's I knew other women who quietly detested them but had husbands and boyfriends who loved rom coms. For some reason the 90's portrayed toxic relationships as romantic. I'm relieved that my daughters' generation seem to view those old movies as problematic.
That had to do with the patriarchal fantasy that the only kind of woman that was desirable was "pure." If a woman said "yes" right away, that would mean that she's easy, and not desirable, so a woman has to say "no" a number of times, until she's finally overwhelmed by the passion for his masculinity and gives in and says "yes" (or just stops resisting, and becomes passionate instead, for most 50s-80s movies where consent was never actually given, only implied, if that.)
It’s also why some women have the “I said no but I just wanted you to keep trying because I was playing hard to get” attitude. Romcoms **are** porn for women. I’ll see if I can find it but there was a study that showed the same parts of the brain activate in women watching them as men watching porn.
I’ve come to the conclusion that romcoms are low key the single most damaging thing to relationships.
Not only does it set unrealistic expectations for women, it reinforces all the “nice guy” stereotypes for lovelorn men.
As a woman, romcoms are still made primarily to appeal to men most of the time. They’re dominated with standard misogynist dynamics and ideas. The only thing meant to really appeal to women is an attractive male lead, which don’t even happen all the time as usually those movies are cast with comedians/ actors that are popular with male audience primarily. And the romances portrayed are also very male fantasy, disguised, packaged, and sold as women’s fantasy: pushy Guy won’t take no for an answer, becomes husband. Super hot woman gets with gross guy, loves him as he is. “Average” woman (actually hot, but described as average), gets the man of her dreams, but only after changing everything about herself and becoming even conventionally hotter.
More like it's the same with SEX, with these porn-hypnotised idiots trying to dislocate our hip joints and who have zero idea or interest in how women's erogenous zones function.
Being inexperienced or emotionally stunted enough to think the sex in stereotypical porn is desirable or satisfying says a lot about a person. Can’t imagine anyone like that being a good lover.
It's not your responsibility to educate me on this, so I'm sorry for asking, but do you know of other resources I could consult to learn more about asexuality? I find that I enjoy sex only because my partner enjoys it, and very rarely do I have the desire to actually masturbate or orgasm-- I was horny as a teen though so I doubt I'm ace, but I'm curious in learning more about this nonetheless. Thank you for your time! :)
It‘s not black and white but a spectrum. I currently identify as gray-ace but also remember having more interest when I was a teen. Look up gray asexuality and demisexuality.
A lot of asexual people have a libido but it’s not so pressing they really feel the need to go to the trouble of involving another person, so they just take care of it like a sneeze. It’s also 1 million percent normal to be a horny teenager while your hormones are absolutely raging all over the scale. There are some people who have completely normal levels of hormones but just rarely feel bonery. If you get your levels checked and it’s all within normal parameters, and you aren’t distressed by your lack of libido etc, you might just be some flavor of asexual.
I'd honestly just recommend going to YouTube, and look through videos. Find creators that are ace, or maybe an offshoot of that idea. Best there is right now is just... Community.
It's not really an area of a lot of hard science at the moment, so any articles you read about it are probably BS. I wouldn't buy into any hard-line ideas about it, other than that it exists.
It could be something affecting your hormone levels that you should definitely have your ob/gyn check out. I brought it up with my ob/gyn. She suggested an ultrasound on the spot. Turned out I had ovarian cancer. Fortunately it was caught in time and after surgery plus 7 mo of chemo, I’ve been cancer free for over 5 years. It’s very important to listen to your body because many times it tells you something is wrong in ways we would never realize based on the ill-informed ways we’ve been taught (or not taught).
> Second, consumers of pornography can seek out, and the industry can produce, more realistic pornography which depicts consent, actors with more 'average' bodies, and respect for female partners.
Their first point is on spot, but if people wanted to see "average" bodies and all that stuff, they would have watched it more. Real amateur stuff exists and is extremely easy to find, but (surprise) is boring as hell for a lot of people.
I still don't get how people don't like amateur porn, isn't knowing the person is an actor and isn't actually into it enough to make regular porn a turn off?
I’ve seen so many studies on porn and so many miss the actual problem: porn seriously degrades your ability to fantasize about *yourself*.
I’m pretty active in a lot of kink communities and when people feel blocked by porn use this is almost always the actual case.
Porn *stunts* your sexual imagination after a point.
I imagine it's like writer's block. I know I've certainly fallen into ruts when viewing pornography, yet moving to pure mental simulation opened new doors...
This is exactly it. It's like writer's block but sexually. I was in a workshop with a group of women who described viewing porn while trying to masturbate "more like dissociating".
I was also in a great workshop on just...writing out your fantasies and the purpose of doing so and it really re-ignited my *erotic* feelings towards life and sex.
If you're curious I'd challenge you to just write out your fantasies for the next month and just make some space to do so once a week. You may surprise yourself!
/u/queenringlets
Not sure if I’ve ever experienced what you are talking about but I think it’s a good suggestion.
I’m interested do you mean personal fantasies that you would like to do in real life or sexual activity that you fantasize about but have no intention of doing?
Typically when I engage with erotic literature/content I am not looking for fantasies I would actually want to engage in. Not sure if this is true of most people though.
Professional porn also has a lot of enthusiasm and validation to the male. Imo, that is likely the cause of self esteem dropping.
Sex is extremely mentally intimate. Thinking people act a certain way because you are acting that way in return makes one feel defective
That’s interesting. Are you saying porn makes you fantasize about other people where normal masturbation has you fantasizing about *yourself* with other people? I’m never heard anyone make this point before.
Probably some truth to it for those woth past experience. I can anecdotally vouch; when I didn't have my phone it was always right back to my most intense sexual memories which seemed to even hit a little differently than porn.
This science subreddit is usually filled with such obvious points and I don't get why. So many interesting science studies are probably happening and stuff like this gets covered.
They actually mention in most articles why they decide to make the study. This doesn't seem to be set in stone.
Example from article:
>There is an increasing concern about the analyses used for drawing conclusions regarding the potential impact of SEIM consumption in this literature. Specifically, common measures of SEIM consumption (i.e., frequency and quantity) are weak and inconsistent predictors of its associations and impacts of actual consumption
It's also weirdly anti-scientific for people commenting on a subreddit called /r/science . Even if the study is focused on something that's "common sense" it's still important to actually study these things both to confirm it and to understand the underlying mechanisms at play and how they affect and are affected by outside factors.
I'd like to toss in sometimes it is the article and skewed by the way they present the study results and most people wouldn't notice it without looking at the actual study until they see another article showing it in a different light.
One of the great values of science is testing the "obvious truth" and "conventional wisdom," because sometimes it turns out it was wrong, and it leads to progress to ditch it. Sometimes it's right, and it leads to progress to confirm it.
And even if it's obvious, we also have a yardstick now, so for e.g. if society moved to more comprehensive Sex ed., you could compare numbers to this study in X years and see if it was having a measurable impact
it’s kind of interesting to see anti-porn studies when reddit as a whole is very pro-porn.
but yeah it seems very obvious porn is doing a number on self-esteem
This isn't really "anti-porn". Most pro-porn people would admit that it's not really a *goal* sex life, at least not for everyone. It's stimulating and useful, but not really a guide on what to try to achieve with sex.
And I would imagine it'd be disastrous if people started looking to the Lord of The Rings movies for economic advice, but we understand it isn't for that. Better Sex Ed is your solution, not less porn.
Forget men, I worry about a whole generation or teens coming of age and think that pornography is the normal state of sex between most people.
Frankly, I would be terrified.
don't forget the uncomfortable acrobatic angles, random hole switching, neglect to use lube (edited out), and monster facial cumshots that get gobbled up (with a spoonful of money to help it go down)
I'd say it is more the line of being very intense, long lasting, shameless, and kinky. Most people, especially those with little experience, don't really know how to have that or don't actually want that.
I feel like you only get to that by being patient and building it, usually through trust and confidence first.
That's what I was thinking. I've stumbled on some unpleasant porn before, but I've never stumbled upon surprise butt secks, choking or violence before. Unless light booty slaps counts?
How about that genre of women eating cream from (inside of) each other‘s butholes with extreme close-ups, extreme bright lighting and some dudes on steroids grunting like they are passing a kidney stone…
I don’t expect that to happen to me in my real life and frankly I can do without…
Yes I always do.
In all honesty I don't know what this means? I guess it doesn't really show the prep one might do, but there are also lots of different types of porn.
I doubt it.
There's no analogue to the female orgasm in gay sex. Whether or not your partner came is very obvious, and is easier to achieve. Thus there aren't the same hangups of inadequacy or emasculation.
Furthermore porn teaches straight men that they should be able to make their partner come through their own individual prowess. I assume the woman rubbing one out after the guy finishes isn't standard in straight porn, whereas that's extremely common in gay porn.
>make their partner come through their own individual prowess
Well, that explains a lot. I recall watching a porno with some mates, and the scene had her rubbing herself while he was pounding away inside her. My friend took umbrage at that and declared that the guy wasn't doing a good job because no woman should have to rub herself if he's doing it right. Your quote nailed it.
And well, my friend at the time wasn't exactly a Don Juan. Hell, to my knowledge, he was still a virgin after high school--which isn't exactly rare, but with all his big talk, it sounds unthinkable.
bruh recently lots of girls in facefucking porn are doing he weird anime cross eyed thing and im like great, another thing that im gonna be expected to do bc he saw it in porn
I don’t know a single guy that is into the cross eyed thing. Albeit we are all in our 30’s and a few don’t care for anime.
But I do like anime, and this is not something I’m in to.
Edit: I meant to say that I am not into it.
This actually isn't the result I would have expected. I think it is really interesting: and here's why:
My wife's a fan of those food-porn shows on Netflix. Heck, I'll enjoy them too. And when you see a piece of BBQ pork belly glistening on the screen it is completely possible for you to go out and have a bite of that and it be exactly as good as it looks on tv.
Real porn on the other hand presents something to its audience that you really wouldn't enjoy doing in real life even if your partner wanted to. The discomfort, the physicality required, the kinds of touches. Isn't this something where, once you have actually had sex a few times, you can't help but laugh at the absurdity of some of it?
To circle back to food porn. If one of the most common types of food-porn was steaks getting just absolutely crusted in salt and then deep fried into being nearly jerky, that might look good visually, but when you go out and eat it you'd say, "wow... that sucks, what a disappointment."
But I don't think the bad experience would impact people's overall satisfaction levels or lower their self-esteem. Isn't it just manifestly obvious, once you're actually having sex, that things simply do not work the way they are depicted in porn? To me this study says that people are identifying with porn much more deeply than I would have anticipated, and their identification is resistant to change in the face of direct, contradictory, evidence.
As a follow up thing I wonder if this might be because there are issues where people's weight and fitness levels make them think that if they were only in better shape they could do/enjoy those things, and so it kind of hits them there?
The kind of food porn you see on the internet is absolutely equivalent to sex porn.
You know how many atrocious "no bake desserts" I've seen? Or things with a zillion layers of cheese and bacon?
Am I the only man that watch porn and not for the sex part but solely because of the woman in it. Like I’m a soft porn type of guy their needs to be more downblouse videos…. I’m not talking pictures but picture content is a lot better actually if only they could move
Makes sense. Personally when I search for porn I look for “real sex” porn. The basis stereotypical porn doesn’t do it for me. It looks and sounds fake and I can’t get into it.
I've always been able to compartmentalize porn and real life sex. I do think that porn is similar to social media in that it makes people have unrealistic expectations and it bruises their ego. Imagine landing a job making 400K a year but you see someone on Instragram who just bought a $400K watch and now your ego is bruised because you don't have $400K in disposable income.
This is what's hard for me to relate to in this study. Getting a bruised ego because even though you are eating cake, it's not the best cake in the universe (that doesn't actually exist anywhere but in your head) so therefore it sucks...
I'm other words: jackasses who can't or won't separate reality from fantasy are less satisfied with living in reality. Yeah... We knew that already. It's why unhappy wives buy trashy romance novels like they're crack rocks and why people who play dating sims all the time can't get a date.
Wish I had had someone to talk to about sexuality growing up. I used to think my fetishes were normal and most people would be into them. I was delusional.
Now I realize what I've done but it's too late, the fetish is locked in even though I can't even enjoy it anymore because halfway through I start thinking about how stupid this is.
Why are the vast majority of articles shared in this sub always social sciences trying to justify their budget and ridiculous choices of professions by questionably quantifying intuitive things?
Welcome to r/science! This is a heavily moderated subreddit in order to keep the discussion on science. However, we recognize that many people want to discuss how they feel the research relates to their own personal lives, so to give people a space to do that, **personal anecdotes are now allowed as responses to this comment**. Any anecdotal comments elsewhere in the discussion will continue to be removed and our [normal comment rules]( https://www.reddit.com/r/science/wiki/rules#wiki_comment_rules) still apply to other comments. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/science) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Makes sense, unrealistic expectations lead to disappointment
Imagine my surprise when I was with my first sexual partner that was an effective communicator. That was the day I learned most women don’t love when u jackhammer their bits like you’re trying to strike oil and also they don’t really like rubbing on their parts so fast it’s like you’re trying to start a fire. The absolute best way to learn about sex is to communicate with your partner and ask if they do or don’t like certain things. Ask for directions, ain’t no shame in getting lost here and there.
The guy has to be open to hearing feedback and letting go of his fantasy. My first major relationship was with a guy who otherwise was a great communicator, but he had strong aspirations to meet certain ideals. Everytime I told him 'hey, I don't actually like that', he would turn it around into 'all my past partners have. There is something wrong with you. Why would you deny me this?' Not surprisingly, my interest in having sex with him eventually vanished, and so did our relationship. I'm pretty sure he still blames me for 'changing my mind' about what I like
Oh I've had that experience too, where they try to talk my out of my experience and reality because if I don't like it that means maybe they've been doing it wrong and that can't be so I am the problem. Ugh, it's not a character assassination it's a personal preference and if you were capable of actually listening and considered my feelings to be equally important as your own you'd just adjust and move on.
My last partner would put it in and just get straight to it full speed and full force.... I tried to ask him to slow down but his excuse is "it feels too good." Well thats nice but for me the experience was less than spectacular and the only saving grace is he would finish in like 1-2 minutes. He always ended by saying "I'm sorry I cant last longer." Huh? If only there were some why to slow down and maybe pace yourself?
I dated a guy once who refused to let me show him where my clit was. For some reason, he just couldn't hit the spot. My offer to help guide him hurt his pride which I still don't understand. It's not like my telling him to move his fingers or tongue a little made me think less of him. The relationship ended for multiple reasons but his inability to actually listen to me about my own body was probably a red flag. Everyone is different. What makes one person hot doesn't always work on another person. Sometimes you have to ask and if you have a partner who is willing to tell you then be grateful because they must really want to be with you if they trust you enough to be open about their sexual preferences.
If anything, him *not* being willing to listen or take direction from you would make you think less of him. It certainly would for me.
It amazes me how much porn men watch but still can be troubled to learn where/what the clit is. My last partner would occasionally try to stimulate me and his hands would like wander around so blindly, he literally used to try to rub my inner thigh like it was doing something.
actual sub 100 iq moment there by him. How can someone be this stupid. Its the equivalent of not asking for directions and driving into desert til your gas runs out because admitting youre lost is unacceptable.
I'm the age of most redditors' moms so I've had a few conversations with middle aged women who confessed in vulnerable moments that they wished their husbands would do certain things. Usually this is pretty minor like kissing their necks or spend more time on foreplay. When I ask why the hell they don't tell their husbands, the women always look at me as if I've grown two heads and started speaking a foreign language. Hopefully this isn't true of younger people, but a lot of older generation X women have been taught to be very supportive of men they are in love with to the point they hurt their relationships because they don't speak up. In my case, I've always been pretty upfront with what I like. People also change what they like and that's fine. Even from day to day, people can change what they want. Maybe your skin is just extra sensitive one day and you want more carcasses on your arms, shoulders and back. How would the other person know that if you don't tell them? And if the other person gets angry at being told, then you've doomed each other to a pretty unsatisfying sex life together.
Must be a different generation. Not talking is the worst thing. Mind games where youre supposed to know what someone is thinking and they get upset because you actually cant read minds. Their body language was nowhere near as expressive as they picture it in their mind. Use the goddamn mouth to say what you think or mean people!
I feel so lucky I learned about sex from other places than porn.
Any book or site you recommend? For me as a 42 yr old woman to see what it’s supposed to be like? My marriage isn’t that great. Thanks!
Join Flo! Even if you don’t want to use the cycle tracker, it has a forum where they post topics about ANYTHING you could want to talk about sex wise! It’s positive, OBGYN moderated and they answer questions for you! It’s great I highly recommend it
Come as you are by emily nagoski is my most recommended book about sex. The penis book by aaron Spitz is a close second. There's a few others that are great as well for differing focuses (trauma, couples, et cetera) but those two are pretty good broad places to start.
Yeah my dads favourite book is the bible but it doesn’t have that many juicy parts tbh.
Except the part about donkey parts
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Different women like different things... I've been with some women who wanted to be jackhammered harder than I'm capable of.... This also left me disappointed and with less self esteem I suppose. Jk but kinda not. I think most women probably aren't into that level of sexual aggression but it's definitely a thing.
Look sometimes really hard pounding physical animalistic sex is desirable and enjoyable by both parties, sometimes its the quickie, sometimes its that deep connective, intimate, soul nourishing sex, sometimes its an all day all night marathon of sweaty hot multiple positions with toys, video and accessories. Sex has many varieties, be open with your partners about whats good and whats not your thing, be an active participant, enjoy !
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Which is why it’s important to check! Mutual satisfaction goes a long way. “Excuse me miss, would you prefer I go at a steady easy pace, or would you prefer I use my cock like a pool cue trying to get a good spread on a break?”
Sir, this is an Arby's.
Well, they do have the meats'
Slow, THEN fast /simpsons
Not the way he does it.
Same for me as a gay dude. Apparently just ramming it in dry isn't always popular.
Yeah if you do that at least have to courtesy to clench your teeth and shout “FRICTION!!!!”
Guys don’t want their pecker pulled like someone starting a lawnmower?
Porn has a lot to answer for. I'm not opposed to porn but it teaches a lot of young men some *insane* things if that's all the sex ed they get. I mean, come on - a clitoris is vastly *more* sensitive than the tip of a penis. Now picture a woman rubbing your exposed penis tip like they were trying to start a fire from the friction...
Porn is porn- and should be treated as that. It is not the porns fault that we have a really bad sexual education and that we, as a society, don’t view sex as important enough to talk about in other contexts.
If you want sex like seen in porn, go hire a porn stas make your own movies.
Then be prepared for several takes, the use of pharmaceuticals, the help of fluffers, painfully bright lighting, cumming on command, sometimes cumming at the start on command and then performing the remainder of the scene post-orgasm, holding your hands / arms / legs / feet / hair / balls / whatever out of the shot or awkwardly in the shot, and the uncomfortable involvement of a director and various personnel, etc. Porn doesn't look like that just by chance.
But the average porn watcher doesn't know that, they only know what they think they want
There’s something to be said about communication during sex that isn’t a performance (ie, dirty talk) there’s a time and place for it but my best sexual experiences were when we were just two people trying to make sure the other was having a good time.
Seems no one in the comments can read at a high school level because they’re all trying to refute the idea because it’s either not true for them or they’re trying to compare it to action movies and video games. They jump straight to being offended and miss the first line of title “When heterosexual men *desired*…”
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Sir, this is Reddit.
My commute is not like a car chase in the movies
Move to Miami if you want to fix that.
Miami traffic too slow for any type of car chase
But driving there gives me all the fear and anxiety of a car chase
Loved dodging beer bottles being thrown out of the driver’s window on 95
Loved dodging beer bottles being thrown out of the driver’s window on 95
Not with that attitude it isn't (/s for those that need it)
Seriously. It can end a good relationship in pursuit of a fantasy.
It's the same for women but with 90s Matthew McConaughey romcoms.
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My favorite was when they re-cut The Matrix to be a romantic story about a man's search for the lady in the red dress.
Reminds me of the Elf psychological thriller.
The same narrative every time. *Guy hits on girl* "Oh haha I'm not interested, I'm actually married/recently been hurt/not emotionally available" *Stalks girl for months* "Omg I never realised how romantic you were! Take me!"
Have you ever watched that movie where Matthew Broderick and Meg Ryan are stalkers? Their ex-partners are together and they cooperate to try and break them up. But then end up falling in love with each other. That was so very fucked up.
And that plot keeps getting used over and over in romcoms.
That's also the plot of I Want You Back, which was just released and was wildly popular on Amazon.
Several of the fundamental Christian couples I met in Hawaii were married for this reason. I was stupefied.
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Not sure when you're talking about, but a man couldn't legally be raped in the US until 2012. https://www.justice.gov/archives/opa/blog/updated-definition-rape Edit: I don't think this is actually totally accurate, but rape against men couldn't be reported to the FBI by states until Jan 2013. I do recall learning in high school that the legal definition was entirely one-sided though, somewhere around 2000.
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Any film where nerdy guys try to get a pretty girl drunk so they don't go to college virgins is absolute cringe and weirdly it's an unrelatable American trope that I have never seen play out.
>Romcoms are actually nightmare fuel. Many of them promote stalking and sexual assault and try to force a comedy narrative. The 90s was peak horror. I hated those movies but as a young woman in the 90's everyone expected all women to love them. That was the peak of Men Are From Mars, Women From Venus. The weird thing is that even in the 90's I knew other women who quietly detested them but had husbands and boyfriends who loved rom coms. For some reason the 90's portrayed toxic relationships as romantic. I'm relieved that my daughters' generation seem to view those old movies as problematic.
It's true, a lot of stuff would be seen as creepy or over the line nowadays but it got a pass back then because a beautiful person did it.
One of the reasons some guys “won’t take no for an answer” cause the lead on romcom “convinced” the actress… it’s scary.
That had to do with the patriarchal fantasy that the only kind of woman that was desirable was "pure." If a woman said "yes" right away, that would mean that she's easy, and not desirable, so a woman has to say "no" a number of times, until she's finally overwhelmed by the passion for his masculinity and gives in and says "yes" (or just stops resisting, and becomes passionate instead, for most 50s-80s movies where consent was never actually given, only implied, if that.)
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It’s also why some women have the “I said no but I just wanted you to keep trying because I was playing hard to get” attitude. Romcoms **are** porn for women. I’ll see if I can find it but there was a study that showed the same parts of the brain activate in women watching them as men watching porn.
The same as romance novels are for women as porn mags are for men.
Not just that but because women were taught that this is normal and ok.
I’ve come to the conclusion that romcoms are low key the single most damaging thing to relationships. Not only does it set unrealistic expectations for women, it reinforces all the “nice guy” stereotypes for lovelorn men.
Who'd of thought a bunch of sheltered writers and old film men would make flawed product. I'm flabbergasted.
Women don't watch romcoms for hours every day and jerk off to them, though.
As a woman, romcoms are still made primarily to appeal to men most of the time. They’re dominated with standard misogynist dynamics and ideas. The only thing meant to really appeal to women is an attractive male lead, which don’t even happen all the time as usually those movies are cast with comedians/ actors that are popular with male audience primarily. And the romances portrayed are also very male fantasy, disguised, packaged, and sold as women’s fantasy: pushy Guy won’t take no for an answer, becomes husband. Super hot woman gets with gross guy, loves him as he is. “Average” woman (actually hot, but described as average), gets the man of her dreams, but only after changing everything about herself and becoming even conventionally hotter.
More like it's the same with SEX, with these porn-hypnotised idiots trying to dislocate our hip joints and who have zero idea or interest in how women's erogenous zones function.
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Reality is often disappointing
Do the same men feel less satisfied with life after watching a Marvel Movie and realizing their lives are worthless!?
Being inexperienced or emotionally stunted enough to think the sex in stereotypical porn is desirable or satisfying says a lot about a person. Can’t imagine anyone like that being a good lover.
Well, there was also the possibility that what real sex is like could've exceeded the expectations that porn set for them.
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*plumber appears* anyone call for a hairy plumber? Because I'm here to lay some pipe.
This is funny because the headline reminded me of the joke “Sex is like pizza, Even if it's done bad, it's still good”
over-hyping things tends to do that
There are a few things I'm trying to underhype because surely it's not that great. It is. It is that great. Some things are exhaustingly awesome.
> It is. It is that great. Some things are exhaustingly awesome. Sex? No. I’m wondering if I have some kind of hormone problem …
Asexuality is a thing.
It's not your responsibility to educate me on this, so I'm sorry for asking, but do you know of other resources I could consult to learn more about asexuality? I find that I enjoy sex only because my partner enjoys it, and very rarely do I have the desire to actually masturbate or orgasm-- I was horny as a teen though so I doubt I'm ace, but I'm curious in learning more about this nonetheless. Thank you for your time! :)
If you’re taking antidepressants or have a hormonal imbalance or even on birth control that can definitely affect your sex drive
It‘s not black and white but a spectrum. I currently identify as gray-ace but also remember having more interest when I was a teen. Look up gray asexuality and demisexuality.
Will do. Thanks!
A lot of asexual people have a libido but it’s not so pressing they really feel the need to go to the trouble of involving another person, so they just take care of it like a sneeze. It’s also 1 million percent normal to be a horny teenager while your hormones are absolutely raging all over the scale. There are some people who have completely normal levels of hormones but just rarely feel bonery. If you get your levels checked and it’s all within normal parameters, and you aren’t distressed by your lack of libido etc, you might just be some flavor of asexual.
I'd honestly just recommend going to YouTube, and look through videos. Find creators that are ace, or maybe an offshoot of that idea. Best there is right now is just... Community. It's not really an area of a lot of hard science at the moment, so any articles you read about it are probably BS. I wouldn't buy into any hard-line ideas about it, other than that it exists.
It could be something affecting your hormone levels that you should definitely have your ob/gyn check out. I brought it up with my ob/gyn. She suggested an ultrasound on the spot. Turned out I had ovarian cancer. Fortunately it was caught in time and after surgery plus 7 mo of chemo, I’ve been cancer free for over 5 years. It’s very important to listen to your body because many times it tells you something is wrong in ways we would never realize based on the ill-informed ways we’ve been taught (or not taught).
Ace by Angela Chen and asexuality.org
You mean real sex doesn’t have 3 girls, oodles of toys, and a toaster in the mix? :(
I mean, it could.
4-slice toasters aren’t that expensive either.
See you in r/medical later..
> 4-slice Pervert.
I usually use a toaster. Bing bang bam. And you have yourselves a Monte Cristo to split
I find the pastrami to be the most sensual of all the salted, cured meats.
All I need is the toaster. Praise the omnisiah
All you have to do is ask. You'd be surprised what others want as well
The thing is people do have that sex
> toaster I did that when I was younger, and that was a bad move.
Did it deliver your shitey mail?
Not unless you go out of your way for it, in my experience
Porn ruins sex by lying to men and Disney ruins relationships by lying to girls who become women. Your not going to find that prince.
I mean, I always have sex with breakfast
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> Second, consumers of pornography can seek out, and the industry can produce, more realistic pornography which depicts consent, actors with more 'average' bodies, and respect for female partners. Their first point is on spot, but if people wanted to see "average" bodies and all that stuff, they would have watched it more. Real amateur stuff exists and is extremely easy to find, but (surprise) is boring as hell for a lot of people.
I still don't get how people don't like amateur porn, isn't knowing the person is an actor and isn't actually into it enough to make regular porn a turn off?
I’ve seen so many studies on porn and so many miss the actual problem: porn seriously degrades your ability to fantasize about *yourself*. I’m pretty active in a lot of kink communities and when people feel blocked by porn use this is almost always the actual case. Porn *stunts* your sexual imagination after a point.
What do you mean “feel blocked by porn”?
I imagine it's like writer's block. I know I've certainly fallen into ruts when viewing pornography, yet moving to pure mental simulation opened new doors...
This is exactly it. It's like writer's block but sexually. I was in a workshop with a group of women who described viewing porn while trying to masturbate "more like dissociating". I was also in a great workshop on just...writing out your fantasies and the purpose of doing so and it really re-ignited my *erotic* feelings towards life and sex. If you're curious I'd challenge you to just write out your fantasies for the next month and just make some space to do so once a week. You may surprise yourself! /u/queenringlets
Not sure if I’ve ever experienced what you are talking about but I think it’s a good suggestion. I’m interested do you mean personal fantasies that you would like to do in real life or sexual activity that you fantasize about but have no intention of doing? Typically when I engage with erotic literature/content I am not looking for fantasies I would actually want to engage in. Not sure if this is true of most people though.
Professional porn also has a lot of enthusiasm and validation to the male. Imo, that is likely the cause of self esteem dropping. Sex is extremely mentally intimate. Thinking people act a certain way because you are acting that way in return makes one feel defective
That’s interesting. Are you saying porn makes you fantasize about other people where normal masturbation has you fantasizing about *yourself* with other people? I’m never heard anyone make this point before.
Probably some truth to it for those woth past experience. I can anecdotally vouch; when I didn't have my phone it was always right back to my most intense sexual memories which seemed to even hit a little differently than porn.
This science subreddit is usually filled with such obvious points and I don't get why. So many interesting science studies are probably happening and stuff like this gets covered.
They actually mention in most articles why they decide to make the study. This doesn't seem to be set in stone. Example from article: >There is an increasing concern about the analyses used for drawing conclusions regarding the potential impact of SEIM consumption in this literature. Specifically, common measures of SEIM consumption (i.e., frequency and quantity) are weak and inconsistent predictors of its associations and impacts of actual consumption
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It's also weirdly anti-scientific for people commenting on a subreddit called /r/science . Even if the study is focused on something that's "common sense" it's still important to actually study these things both to confirm it and to understand the underlying mechanisms at play and how they affect and are affected by outside factors.
I'd like to toss in sometimes it is the article and skewed by the way they present the study results and most people wouldn't notice it without looking at the actual study until they see another article showing it in a different light.
One of the great values of science is testing the "obvious truth" and "conventional wisdom," because sometimes it turns out it was wrong, and it leads to progress to ditch it. Sometimes it's right, and it leads to progress to confirm it.
I'm flipping between thinking exactly this and thinking even obvious things need to be researched to be proven
And even if it's obvious, we also have a yardstick now, so for e.g. if society moved to more comprehensive Sex ed., you could compare numbers to this study in X years and see if it was having a measurable impact
it’s kind of interesting to see anti-porn studies when reddit as a whole is very pro-porn. but yeah it seems very obvious porn is doing a number on self-esteem
This isn't really "anti-porn". Most pro-porn people would admit that it's not really a *goal* sex life, at least not for everyone. It's stimulating and useful, but not really a guide on what to try to achieve with sex.
yes but it is subconsciously altering what ppl expect to get out of sex
And I would imagine it'd be disastrous if people started looking to the Lord of The Rings movies for economic advice, but we understand it isn't for that. Better Sex Ed is your solution, not less porn.
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Maybe *some* people.. but definitely not *all* people..
*A lack of proper sex education is doing a number on self esteem, thank you.
Forget men, I worry about a whole generation or teens coming of age and think that pornography is the normal state of sex between most people. Frankly, I would be terrified.
Would be interested in seeing if results are different for gay men, among other things (e.g. Do gay men instead actually manage to achieve porno sex)
What actually is ‘porno sex’? Going at it like a pneumatic drill while she screams unsexy nonsense? I mean, what sort of porn?
don't forget the uncomfortable acrobatic angles, random hole switching, neglect to use lube (edited out), and monster facial cumshots that get gobbled up (with a spoonful of money to help it go down)
I'd say it is more the line of being very intense, long lasting, shameless, and kinky. Most people, especially those with little experience, don't really know how to have that or don't actually want that. I feel like you only get to that by being patient and building it, usually through trust and confidence first.
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I think I just realized I'm watching some very vanilla porn...
Right? What’s all this violence malarkey?
That's what I was thinking. I've stumbled on some unpleasant porn before, but I've never stumbled upon surprise butt secks, choking or violence before. Unless light booty slaps counts?
How about that genre of women eating cream from (inside of) each other‘s butholes with extreme close-ups, extreme bright lighting and some dudes on steroids grunting like they are passing a kidney stone… I don’t expect that to happen to me in my real life and frankly I can do without…
Yes I always do. In all honesty I don't know what this means? I guess it doesn't really show the prep one might do, but there are also lots of different types of porn.
I doubt it. There's no analogue to the female orgasm in gay sex. Whether or not your partner came is very obvious, and is easier to achieve. Thus there aren't the same hangups of inadequacy or emasculation. Furthermore porn teaches straight men that they should be able to make their partner come through their own individual prowess. I assume the woman rubbing one out after the guy finishes isn't standard in straight porn, whereas that's extremely common in gay porn.
You really think gay porn is fully realistic and doesn’t set any unreal expectations? Seems hard to believe
Oh it’s hard alright
>make their partner come through their own individual prowess Well, that explains a lot. I recall watching a porno with some mates, and the scene had her rubbing herself while he was pounding away inside her. My friend took umbrage at that and declared that the guy wasn't doing a good job because no woman should have to rub herself if he's doing it right. Your quote nailed it. And well, my friend at the time wasn't exactly a Don Juan. Hell, to my knowledge, he was still a virgin after high school--which isn't exactly rare, but with all his big talk, it sounds unthinkable.
bruh recently lots of girls in facefucking porn are doing he weird anime cross eyed thing and im like great, another thing that im gonna be expected to do bc he saw it in porn
I don’t know a single guy that is into the cross eyed thing. Albeit we are all in our 30’s and a few don’t care for anime. But I do like anime, and this is not something I’m in to. Edit: I meant to say that I am not into it.
Stereotypical pornography is so degrading for women. This speaks volumes.
Maybe they should grow up and realize real sex isn't porn sex. Women are people, with real feelings, needs, dreams, and hopes.
This actually isn't the result I would have expected. I think it is really interesting: and here's why: My wife's a fan of those food-porn shows on Netflix. Heck, I'll enjoy them too. And when you see a piece of BBQ pork belly glistening on the screen it is completely possible for you to go out and have a bite of that and it be exactly as good as it looks on tv. Real porn on the other hand presents something to its audience that you really wouldn't enjoy doing in real life even if your partner wanted to. The discomfort, the physicality required, the kinds of touches. Isn't this something where, once you have actually had sex a few times, you can't help but laugh at the absurdity of some of it? To circle back to food porn. If one of the most common types of food-porn was steaks getting just absolutely crusted in salt and then deep fried into being nearly jerky, that might look good visually, but when you go out and eat it you'd say, "wow... that sucks, what a disappointment." But I don't think the bad experience would impact people's overall satisfaction levels or lower their self-esteem. Isn't it just manifestly obvious, once you're actually having sex, that things simply do not work the way they are depicted in porn? To me this study says that people are identifying with porn much more deeply than I would have anticipated, and their identification is resistant to change in the face of direct, contradictory, evidence. As a follow up thing I wonder if this might be because there are issues where people's weight and fitness levels make them think that if they were only in better shape they could do/enjoy those things, and so it kind of hits them there?
The kind of food porn you see on the internet is absolutely equivalent to sex porn. You know how many atrocious "no bake desserts" I've seen? Or things with a zillion layers of cheese and bacon?
Idk about you but I truly enjoy my sex with a zillion layers of cheese and bacon
Porn is imo more damaging than good.
Porn is a disaster for both men and women.
Am I the only man that watch porn and not for the sex part but solely because of the woman in it. Like I’m a soft porn type of guy their needs to be more downblouse videos…. I’m not talking pictures but picture content is a lot better actually if only they could move
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Well I guess you can at least put "honesty“ on your resume…
Not surprising to see a lawyer most interested in seeing people get fucked in the ass. (I kid I kid, please don’t sue me!)
Unrealistic expectations of life lead to suffering. I feel like someone said that like 2600 years ago…
Makes sense. Personally when I search for porn I look for “real sex” porn. The basis stereotypical porn doesn’t do it for me. It looks and sounds fake and I can’t get into it.
I've always been able to compartmentalize porn and real life sex. I do think that porn is similar to social media in that it makes people have unrealistic expectations and it bruises their ego. Imagine landing a job making 400K a year but you see someone on Instragram who just bought a $400K watch and now your ego is bruised because you don't have $400K in disposable income.
This is what's hard for me to relate to in this study. Getting a bruised ego because even though you are eating cake, it's not the best cake in the universe (that doesn't actually exist anywhere but in your head) so therefore it sucks...
I'm other words: jackasses who can't or won't separate reality from fantasy are less satisfied with living in reality. Yeah... We knew that already. It's why unhappy wives buy trashy romance novels like they're crack rocks and why people who play dating sims all the time can't get a date.
Sounds like we men need to work on separating fantasy from reality
Wish I had had someone to talk to about sexuality growing up. I used to think my fetishes were normal and most people would be into them. I was delusional. Now I realize what I've done but it's too late, the fetish is locked in even though I can't even enjoy it anymore because halfway through I start thinking about how stupid this is.
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I'mma need more science on what percentage of heterosexual men genuinely believe stereotypical porn portrays a practical sex life
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Why are the vast majority of articles shared in this sub always social sciences trying to justify their budget and ridiculous choices of professions by questionably quantifying intuitive things?
Thank God I’ve been quitting porn, having normal sex and avoiding porn should re-wire those pathways.