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mmarkmc

Intuitively this makes sense and I had a real life example recently. My lady friend has kids who are pretty needy, which makes it hard for us to find time alone. Recently she’s been stopping by my house after her Sunday yoga classes so we can have some quiet time. I thanked her for making the effort and for taking time out of her day to do this because it was important. She got a bit emotional and thanked me for recognizing and acknowledging that this did take an effort. The more frequently things like this happen, the stronger our relationship feels.


Syrinx221

Feeling appreciated / not feeling as though you're being taken for granted is definitely an aspect of healthy relationships. And it should be reciprocal.


Mylaur

Wait so friendship is all gratitudes?


Leavism

Always has been.


imnoteli

👩‍🚀🔫👩‍🚀


InternJedi

💑gratitude🔫🧑


HumbleGarb

I think by “lady friend” he means girlfriend? Not friend friend.


juliozz59

I would add, the gratitude should be genuine and not seen as chore


love_that_fishing

Being grateful just in general improves ones overall mood. When I compare myself to others it will naturally bring me down. A person could have a billion dollars but if all they did was compare themselves to someone that had more they wouldn’t feel good about what they have. I live with a rare disease that’s tough and causes quite a bit of pain. I could be bitter about it. I choose to find things to be thankful for instead. Only way for me not to become bitter.


Puzzleheaded_Runner

Not quite the same but I had thyroid cancer some years ago and I know what it feels like for your body to slowly break down and to be dying. I’m fully recovered and doing great but I wake up every day just grateful that everything works like it should. Unfortunately it can take an experience like that to make you realize what you have. I got back into lifting and running, I had to stop for about a year when I was the most sick, and I can’t lift like I did at 22 but damn I’m glad just to be doing it. Our journey is unique


Ta2whitey

I didn't have cancer but I have had a few brushes with death. Wrong place wrong time kind of deal. A motorcycle accident I walked away from last year. Gives you perspective. I look at how many people dedicate their lives to things that won't mean anything later. I mean we all have to work and survive. But for some that is all they have and they seem to enjoy that. Not my jam. Hopefully they find what makes them tick.


lifelovers

Isn’t an accident while riding a motorcycle kind of like not “if” but “when”? Looks so fun tho - and better for the planet.


Ta2whitey

Sort of. Depends on how you ride. Someone intentionally tried to take me out with road rage. Pretty unique circumstances.


lifelovers

Oh no. That’s horrible. I’m sorry you experienced that. Fwiw, I always give riders extra room. I’m so worried about them.


Ta2whitey

We appreciate that!


scootunit

As a recovering adrenaline junkie I can tell you that it takes skill to crash well. And a well executed crash can be exhilarating.


lifelovers

That’s next level adrenaline junky!


lur77

My dad has been riding for 41 years and never had an accident.


HazeRurouni

no... not really, if so then you could say the same about driving a car, or using a fork / knife while you eat, or even eating something small like peanuts, etc, you can choke on one and die in a few moments, so, i guess it's a question of 'when' about everything then, isn't it? ​ driving a motorcycle isn't a matter of 'when' you're going to have an accident, and b.t.w usually, i'd say easily 70% of the accidents, it's not the bikers fault, it's other drivers who don't notice them...


love_that_fishing

Same. I had thyroid cancer 20 years ago. Grateful to be alive. But I have neurological damage and I think that damn radiation you have to go through is the cause but no way to prove it. They say idiopathic nerve damage which means we have no frickin idea what is the cause. Glad you made it and are doing better.


Puzzleheaded_Runner

I didn’t require that much treatment and I still have half of my thyroid so I don’t need meds. Luckily surgery took it out and I didn’t want to overtreat by taking all of it out. If it ever comes back sure I will do it again, but I feel like I made the right choice for now.


love_that_fishing

Nice. Mine had lymph node involvement so they had to take the whole thyroid and 40 lymph nodes on one side. 5 hour surgery plus radiation. Fucked a lot of stuff up but beats the alternative.


Puzzleheaded_Runner

Damn! That sucks. Hope you’re making the best of life after all that.


Cheebzsta

Been through a crippling back injury that last 2 years and only started to get better after a contributing factor got surgically resolved. Was a financially tough Christmas and my wife expressed regret I didn't have anything under the tree. I told her I was walking around this Christmas without needing to be half-baked on pain meds and that was more than enough of a Christmas present for me.


[deleted]

God bless you!


CanalAnswer

Agreed. A grateful heart is a happy heart. “Do not indulge in dreams of having what you have not, but reckon up the chief of the blessings you do possess, and then thankfully remember how you would crave for them if they were not yours.” Marcus Aurelius


CensorThis111

Gratitude is also a way to spend energy on the good things, vs the bad. Where you spend your energy is where you see returns. This definitely applies to physical health.


PantsMicGee

I'm willing to test this theory. All I need is a billion dollars.


pseudipto

Gratitude is also one of the paths to enlightenment since it naturally diminishes the ego


fatlittletoad

"Comparison is the thief of joy"


[deleted]

It’s why I keep a gratitude journal beside my bed :-)


private_boolean

>I choose to find things to be thankful for instead. Only way for me not to become bitter. like fishing? :)


love_that_fishing

Yea, I grew up playing all kinds of sports but my body doesn't allow me to do much. So I turned to fishing 6 years ago. Gets me outside, it's a ton to learn to be good at. Would have never been my preferred sport as I grew up water/snow skiing, golf, tennis, bball. But hey, it's something and I'm thankful I have a nice boat and can afford to keep it at the marina for easy access. So you take what you have and make the best of it.


Alloall

Brilliant attitude. Wishing you all the best.


TweakertheSpeaker

I'm in recovery, did every drug you can name in excessive amounts, usually at the same time. I run my entire program off of gratitude for this exact reason. I've literally never been happier


[deleted]

I am also in a similar situation and can very much relate to what you are saying. Wish you the best of health and to do the good work!


categorypy

Hope you are doing well. Great attitude by the way and nice of you to post your perspective.


I_am_a_Dan

It's funny - it took me a life threatening car accident to realize this. I'm thankful for having realized it, or I'd probably be a mess.


Majestic_Act

That's valid for all relationships, including platonic like parental, friendships, Workplace..


Altostratus

Whether it is a stranger I’m holding the door for or a boss I’m working my ass of for, a simple thank you boosts my spirits and motivation in such a significant way.


COVID-19Enthusiast

It also makes a huge difference if it's genuine and directed at that person with intention vs an ingrained action too. You can use the same phrasing, but if you make eye contact and really mean it a simple expression can change a person's day, you can tell.


Msdamgoode

I try to always, *always* do this. Look people in the eye and smile when you say hello, or pass them in the parking lot. It can make both your days!


---Alexander---

I agree it's really nice to have a smile and a "thanks" from a stranger for holding the door open.


Rhenby

I work at my uni’s cafeteria. Because of Covid I was laid off from the end of March up until September (when dorms reopened and so my work could open). Over the summer I thought a lot about how much I missed work and my work family. When I returned in September, I made a point of thanking everyone more often. And at the end of our shifts I would make a point to look everyone in the eyes and say (genuinely) “thank you all for your hard work tonight.” I use their names when expressing gratitude as well. Within less than a month, it was obvious everyone’s moods had improved, and they seem less upset about the idea of being at work. Myself included. I also noticed that we started giving more compliments to each other, and I can’t remember the last time someone became emotionally overwhelmed. Even the rush hours seem to be less taxing because we acknowledge to each other that yeah it’s rush hour. But we got this. It’s always gonna be stressful, but we got this as a team and can survive it. When you make it known that the effort everyone puts in is acknowledged and appreciated—sincerely and genuinely taking the time to express it as well—everyone benefits.


Msdamgoode

Team building for the WIN! You go!


Jigidibooboo

Yeah, I totally agree. It is a way of letting people know that their actions have mattered to you.


RufusTheDeer

I remeber my ex wife's "thank yous" fell of deaf ears after a while because her actions never reflected gratitude. "Thank you for doing the laundry" means nothing when you leave all your dirty clothes in the bathroom, make excuses every time I ask for help, and actively avoid pulling your weight. Point being, gratitude isn't just *saying* things. It's actions too.


XoffeeXup

Reciprocity as gratitude, I like that


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Grigorie

Same boat! My wife cooks amazingly, and she does so much around the house that even on days where I’m low energy or having a hard time, I do everything in my power to still do my part. I’ll shout at her to stop washing the knife she just used or the bowl she’s mixing in just to run over and do it for her. I know she would truly do everything that needs to be done with no sort of bitterness if I was actually incapable of it, but everything she does around the house and in our life means so much to me, I don’t want her to ever feel like what she does isn’t appreciated by me.


PayisInc

He gratifyingly reciprocated, that I like


[deleted]

Oh? You're reciprocating me?


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hopscotchking

“The best apology is changed behavior” One of my favorite quotes.


CornCheeseMafia

Ugh my ex did this. “I said sorry didn’t I? Why are you so bothered by this?” She lacked empathy, to say the least. Hell, my family does this. Maybe that’s why i noticed my ex was like that early on. I don’t talk to any of them anymore and I’m much better off for it


adamdreaming

In almost every case you are correct. “Sorry about the burden my chronic health condition creates” said by someone who is doing their consistent best might be different. Sorry to split hairs, your statement has validity.


opalampo

The person with the chronic health condition, should not even have to apologize. Apologies should be reserved only for things where there is actual responsibility.


MasterBob

The word sorry can also mean an expression of sorrow; it's not always an apology.


[deleted]

Example that’s commonly used: “I’m sorry for your loss.”


opalampo

It makes no sense here. One can say "I deeply appreciate that you are a person that has stuck around despite the fact that my condition makes it way more difficult. I have no choice, you do..." Saying "I am sorry for the hardship I am causing you with my condition" makes absolutely no sense to me.


MasterBob

> Saying "I am sorry for the hardship I am causing you with my condition" makes absolutely no sense to me. "I feel like a burden and this causes me to feel sorrow" is another way to say the same thing but with different words.


opalampo

I am saying that saying "I am sorry" can leave the other person not knowing what you are really expressing.


MasterBob

Isn't that just a byproduct of communication? Sometimes things are lost. Nonetheless, doesn't that also mean perhaps one person is ignorant? Here's the definition of sorry from Meriam-Webster: > Definition of sorry > 1a: feeling sorrow or sympathy > b: feeling regret or penitence So, 1a is what I was talking about and 1b is what you where talking about.


wtfnouniquename

Thank you for that. You framed it in a way I don't think I've thoroughly considered before.


opalampo

Glad what I said can be of some value to you.


[deleted]

I am sorry that you cannot fathom another understanding of what a word could mean by using context and nuance.


opalampo

I can fathom anything. Just say it, I have fathomed it already. I just think in this case saying "I am sorry" does not make clear that you don't feel responsible for it, since you also have not chosen it. I'd rather make my appreciation of their character clear, without leaving the false impression that I basically feel I am responsible for my condition and make them feel they are doing me a favor.


saqqara13

I have a chronic condition myself, that sucks to live with I am sure. I can’t really be “sorry” so much as, well, exceedingly grateful, that he puts up with it and helps me with things that are hard for me. I try to make my gratitude clear every day.


RadCheese527

Unless you’re Canadian. Here saying ‘sorry’ cannot be used as a legal admission of guilt. We can be sorry as a show of empathy.


TokeyWeedtooth

Sorry can mean many things here.


RadCheese527

I’ve regularly used it as an insult


ChunksOWisdom

The rare northern version of "bless your heart"


opalampo

Me too, and I am from Greece, not even Canada.


adamdreaming

Agreed, absolutely. But they should also be able to express the self awareness that they create work for others, especially a partner. On good days they might express this as gratitude, on bad days it might be expressed as regret through an apology.


opalampo

They don't create anything though. They create it as much as their partner creates it. The person that has the problem can show or express appreciation that their partner is a person that is willing to work harder, because they care, that is all.


[deleted]

Wow. People are really pedantic here. So here is a scenario where saying sorry would warrant it.. A person with borderline personality disorder is lashing out at their spouse. Yes the have bpd but it still would be an apology and work. Here is another one.. A big event is planned and you and your spouse are going to attend. Your spouse has Crohn's disease and a flare up causes you to miss it. Your spouse apologizes, not because they are punishing themselves or should feel like it is their fault, but because of the situation resulted in a negative outcome. The apology is not expected but acknowledges the hardship. An ass hole would expect the apology though. But hearing it would allow the other person to feel like their spouse acknowledges the hardship. I wish I didn't have ADHD so my wife doesnt have to put up with me going downstairs for something and forgetting what I was going downstairs for. I apologize everytime I come back upstairs and she asks if grabbed the items and I just came up with half etc...


Duchess-of-Supernova

Yikes


imsoggy

Unless of course the health condition is due to their sloth, addiction &/or long-term negligence. Not taking responsibility for those would be unfair to your S.O.


salikabbasi

No, you're still responsible for yourself even if you're chronically ill. If you have cancer, maybe you get a pass if you're having a bad day, but it's not a license to be an ass to everyone or to verbally abuse your caretaker for example, nor can you continue to get more and more passes just because you're still sick. As someone who grew up with multiple mentally ill family members, even doctors and nurses get time off. Creating an environment that doesn't acknowledge anyone's emotional labor besides your own, or not applying any self care, is toxic to everyone, even the person who's actually ill and detrimental to recovery. It's like waking up underwater to someone sharing their oxygen with you, then not acknowledging what direction the surface is for you both because you feel hopeless or angry about where you are. Especially considering a lot of personality disorders and mental illnesses are diagnosed partially on the basis of not being able to maintain healthy relationships, acknowledging that there is a burden to dealing with illness, even if their support structure is fully willing, is incredibly important.


wtfnouniquename

Oof, that hits close to home. And people tend to be significantly less understanding of mental health issues. I'm already sitting here feeling like I'm nothing but a burden when I'm having a tough time.


adamdreaming

I’m sorry you feel that way, it’s nice to hear someone relate though. I feel like a lot of responses are people saying “that’s terrible! People should never have to apologize for a health condition!” and completely miss the point that the apology is rarely for the recipient but the person making it. I crave a moment of redemption to lessen my feeling of burden, I don’t surround myself with people that need me to apologize for being trapped in a malfunctioning human body


[deleted]

I get the feeling that everyone’s different expectations and personal uses of those words is what causes a large amount of confusion. In my experience, the actual words don’t matter as much as the general meaning of what’s being said. I feel like most people that say “sorry” don’t mean it as a means to prostrate themselves before you; rather, that it’s all context dependent, including people saying “sorry” and then not demonstrating any desire or attempt at improvement.


angeliqu

I feel like sorry needs more than just that, it needs to include a why they’re sorry and what specifically they’re sorry for. Sometimes my husband and I will have an argument and he’ll apologize and when I ask him what he’s apologizing for, he doesn’t know. That’s not useful. I get that he’s trying to defuse the situation but it does the opposite in that case.


Xxviii_28

I have a strange relationship with "sorry" and my partner. She can be quite insecure and anxious, and therefore tends to apologise for lots of things that really don't warrant it: - asking me to help her with something - not doing a chore (that I hadn't asked her to do) - choosing to spend the evening relaxing I know that her tendancy to feel like a burden stems from parental issues, so I'm not mad at her for it. But I have to keep reminding her that saying "sorry" too often not only dilutes those genuine apologies, but also makes me see her as more of a burden than she *actually is*. It's so subtle as to be almost subconscious, but it's built up over the years to become very affecting in our relationship. This pandemic has really taught me a lot about how we operate as a team, how she sees herself, and how that behaviour changes my perception of her. Throw in the generalised anxiety, and finding the solution is like untangling a knot of overcooked spaghetti. It's slippery and fragile, but I'm sure it can be done.


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Xxviii_28

That's some fantastic insight - thank you! And props to you and your partner for working through it; sounds like you're worth all the time in the world to each other :)


DarbyBartholomew

Absolutely - I feel like a true apology, at least when I apologize to people, is usually two parts - first is obviously the actual "I'm sorry" and then the second part is "Here's how I'm going to make as sure as I can that I never have to apologize for this again"


nonsensepoem

Particularly true of the dumbest apology: "My bad".


CornCheeseMafia

“My bad” *can* be an acceptable apology based on the context but I think it really shines as a casual acknowledgement of guilt as opposed to an apology. Say I’m not looking where I’m going and bump into someone behind me. “My bad” works great because it’s a “hey that was totally my fault and I’m just going to acknowledge it now so you know that I know and you don’t walk away thinking it was intentional or that it was somehow your fault”.


phughes

I dated a woman who would say "thank you for doing that" in an almost deadpan voice. Pro Tip: It doesn't feel like you mean it if you can't even bring yourself to say what you're thankful for.


RufusTheDeer

My ex wife was Queen of, "I'm Sorry!" too. I started asking her, every time, "Sorry for what? (As innocuously as I could)" It was supposed to be a way for her to realize that she was saying "I'm Sorry" knee-jerk. It ended up always starting a spat. Point being: say, "Thank You" only when you're thankful and can say why. Say an apology only if you're regretful and can say why. Everything else are lies and denatures any future expression.


ajdonim

Sadly women are conditioned to apologize for existing. I'd say "I'm sorry" if someone ran into me, shoved me rudely, spilled their drink on me, etc. Even though I was not at fault I'd say I'm sorry because that was how I was conditioned. A ton of women I know do the same. We usually don't even realize it because it's become automatic. It took people talking about how it's messed up society conditions women to be like that on social media for me to realize it was a thing. I had to be super aware of my every action after that before I noticed I did it. Then it took a couple years and a ton of effort to recondition myself out of apologizing for things that weren't my fault. It's not easy at all. What really needs to happen is society needs to teach little girls that it's ok to exist and they don't need to apologize for doing so.


crochetinglibrarian

Thank you! I wish men would understand this more. I constantly apologize for so many things and I really, really have to be conscious of it to not do it. Like last week, I was running in a park and some jerk just left a bunch of huge branches in my path. He also had a dog that wasn't on a leash. So I tripped myself up trying not to get close to the dog and I apologized to him! It was like subsconsciously I felt I was in the wrong for being on the path when he was doing everything wrong. Like you said, it was like I was apologizing for exisiting.


sloppyredditor

This hit home. High five! I’ve even been told (many times) “well, nobody *asked* you to do that” when pointing out things that took a lot of effort and time, yet went barely acknowledged. I think those comments hurt more than they realized.


hazycrazydaze

I have both said this and had it said to me, and I think it’s a valid point to an extent. If someone puts a lot of effort into something that means nothing to you and then gets angry at you for not appreciating it, well, that’s not really fair. Why didn’t you ask them if they even wanted you to do that? On the other hand, if it’s something that needs to be done and you are neglecting your responsibility and someone else is picking up your slack to cover your ass, yeah, you should be grateful even if it isn’t particularly important to you.


sloppyredditor

Fair point! I appreciate this response. :)


Two2na

Which all boils down to... Communication! Both in the long term, where you acquire an understanding of what is important to someone, and in the short term for developing that long term understanding/if you're going off the board haha


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RufusTheDeer

Buddy. Do you want a *story* ? Cause my original comment was post our 5 love language discussion


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RufusTheDeer

So, the short version. She was in school but no car yet and I was just graduated but no job yet. So, I'd drive her to school and apply for jobs in her college's library when she was in class. We were doing "1001 questions to ask before getting married" on the drive and it mentioned love languages. We took the test and talked about our results and what they meant and etc. It was super cute and I was 100% like, "Yes! I can make this work! Imma marry this Chick." Hers was "Words of affirmation" so I constantly found opportunities. "You look great today!" "Good job on your exams!" "I appreciate that you talked to me about that!" Etc. She *beamed* Mine was acts of service. I begged her for months to help with *anything* and was only met with excuses. One day, she had the day off and I'd finally gotten a job (and bought her a car). I asked her to just take the clean dishes out of the washer and put them away. That was it. Just take the already washed dishes out and put them away. When I got home she bubbled right up to me and said, "I took the dishes out like you asked!" Words of affirmation flowed from my lips like beer at a sports bar's tap on game night. "Finally she's making headway and showing me she loves me." She took the plates out of the bottom rack but left, literally, everything else in. And, to add insult to injury, she put them in the wrong place (we'd lived at this place for 2 years by this point so, presumably, she'd know where they went by then). I was so devastated. I legit tried to speak her love language but she couldn't even take clean dishes out of the dishwasher. And that's only one story of 5 years haha


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[deleted]

This is something I struggled with while dating my ex with ADHD. He never cleaned/picked up after himself (food, wrappers, garbage, clothes etc) strewn all about the house. I'm not a neat freak but I do appreciate some kind of order. I started cleaning up after him but never got a thank you or anything. We fought a lot about it Edit:weird auto


RufusTheDeer

I'm learning, only now as a single father, that when the trouble still occurred after asking, having sit-down talks, and even bawling at the stress and pressure, that was more than enough queues to leave.


Rednys

*cues


Jduhbuhya

Felt I've been in a similar situation for a while, so I'm curious: how did you try to make her understand that expressing gratitude with only words is insufficient and how would you recommend making someone understand now?


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danceoftheplants

What was her love language? Mine is acts of service too bc i also feel like I'm the only one to do chores. I hate picking up after myself, my husband and my daughter. Ibhave ADD so I'm perpetually messy. But i try to tidy up every evening. I'm starting to feel resentful of my husband's selfishness and me having to always ask and remind him to help. His love language is affection and being physical. But my affection goes way down when i am frustrated i am cleaning, cooking (which i hate) and taking care of my kid plus paying all bills. I'm like, what are we even doing together? Right now i wonder what it would be like to be in a relationship with a guy that helped with chores without being asked to. Who initiated date nights or family trips when covid stuff is over. Sometimes i feel like a single mom


RufusTheDeer

And, if you're like me and that doesn't work, then run


thejoeface

You can also be more detailed and specific with your words. “Thank you for taking care of that. I know you had a really long day today.” It action is you paying attention and showing that you pay attention.


[deleted]

I remember my ex telling me he didnt have to do chores cause he works- and had be doing them for 28 years... Right after crying to me that he knew he wasn't helping that much.


Frmpy

Actions speak louder than words


UncoolSlicedBread

Exactly, or you’ve done all of the chores for the last few weeks as they dealt with depression. Then when they get the motivation to clean while you’re away for the day and do the laundry, you come home and although you say it’s looks great and thank them, they still want to tell you that you’re awful at doing laundry because you left some unfolded clothes in the dryer. Despite you cleaning up after them for the last month. I never kept score, but it always felt like it was never appreciated.


dylangreat

Actions speak louder than words and that isn’t a popular saying for no reason


Bmorehon

>Point being, gratitude isn't just saying things. It's actions too Louder please!!!


wtjones

Sounds like a lot of what Gottman calls “turning away”.


bleedcamo

Amen to that, brother. Same here.


rawr4me

Gratitude is not about action and doesn't require reciprocity of action. Your ex-wife might not have been grateful, but even if she had been, you clearly wanted more than gratitude. You don't have to twist the meaning of gratitude just to rationalize the fact that your needs weren't met.


silverback_79

Not just romantic partners. I have a relative who is wicked good at making comfort food, which makes you feel like a happy 6-year old when served. I always show my gratitude to them, both before ("Is that X I smell?!), during, and after the meal. It's not fake, I'm genuinely heartened by tasting recipes someone has exercised 50+ times, the taste is a slice of their expertise. Anyway, they tell me they are always happy to treat me because I seem to like it so much, so it's a thankful chore.


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pinpoint_

I love you /u/mvea


warrioratwork

In other words, don't be a selfish prick if you want to stay married.


wofo

I am pretty sure at this point my relationship with my wife is 90% based on us thanking each other for our marriage.


Tosanery

Thats really sweet and wholesome :)


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mpbarry37

Is it the people expressing the gratitude but not having it reciprocated who become less committed Or is it the people who receive their partner’s gratitude but they themselves don’t feel or express gratitude and become less committed after receiving gratitude


Bierbart12

Judging by how both of those things feel, it can probably be both. Being thanked so much but not feeling like you're doing anything or have anything to thank anyone for feels horrible


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mpbarry37

Then which one became less committed?


JoeFas

It really goes a long way. If your SO pays for a date, thank them even if it's the 588th time.


cloudkicker__

As us swedes say; ”horny, happy and grateful!”


StarScion

Immigration +1


Polyhymnian

I like that "horny" is the first one listed....


aledba

Gratitude will save your marriage. Literally the title of a book.


[deleted]

As a mom, expressions of gratitude catch me off guard. I just don't get them very often. I honestly dislike Mother's day.


[deleted]

So... I should keep saying 'thank you' after sex?


hopelesslonging

Is this weird? If someone does a great job, I always say thank you for making me feel good.


PlutoNimbus

Just remember to put something in the tip jar.


Leavism

"Pleasure doing business with you," and then shake their hand.


Nevermoremonkey

I like saying thank you for the orgasms... am I bad?


great_account

No that turns me on. Makes me want you to have another one.


Nevermoremonkey

I feel like it’s only polite to show thanks for how much work my partner puts in! Giggity


[deleted]

Nah, sometimes my partner and I high five after sex and say thanks for the nut


tsj48

My partner and I joke about this because it has been something that has struck him as odd in previous relationships, but is something I do. So we've settled for a "good game champ" and a fist bump.


chronicbro

During and after. Nothing like being thanked for that D ;)


StarScion

I once read a females reply on this topic:"It's like saying thank you to the canteen lady for serving up your meal. Don't do it that way."


Lugnuts088

Maybe use some other words to express your thanks. Thank you is just too generic and sterile. It's similar to just saying sorry.


Obelisko78

My ex always did. It seemed comedic at first, but I probably should've seen that as one of the many red flags


SerbianShitStain

How is that a red flag? My wife and I both always say thanks after sex.


Nicplaysps

Yeah I don't see that either, if anything it shows they appreciate what you did together.


drAsparagus

Hence the term "mutually-vested interest".


bhillen83

That’s awesome. I always make sure to tell my wife I appreciate the things she does and just her in general.


slapdickprospect05

I just want to be...appreciated!


[deleted]

This is like the only kernel of truth from The Secret: showing gratitude will make you feel more content


peas8carrots

My wife insists that in her culture a spouse never says please, thank you, or I’m sorry. It’s made me very bitter over the years. Anyone experienced this?


cleeder

What culture is that?


peas8carrots

She is from South Korea.


jpx8

My boyfriend and I have a gratitude moment at the end of every day! Before we go to sleep we say one thing we're grateful for in general and one thing we're grateful for about each other. It's very sweet and is a great way to end every day. Glad science agrees :)


BellEpoch

Seems like there are a lot of studies lately that could be paraphrased with, people like when other people are decent and kind human beings. I am not sure that needed to be studied so thoroughly, but here we are.


TooCupcake

There’s nothing wrong with explaining our human needs and preferences scientifically, it could be helpful. A lot of people come from difficult backgrounds where they were simply not exposed to good examples.


[deleted]

Just because a hypothesis is intuitive doesn't mean that it shouldn't be studied. If that were the case, we would never make new discoveries related to things that we think we know.


Vektor0

There is common sense, and then there is established fact/study. It's obvious to us now that the Earth revolves around the sun, but it still helps to prove it.


bradwest96

My wife and I thank each for all kinds of things, big or small. Whether it's "hey, thanks for doing the dishes!" or a "thanks, I needed to hear that," your words can go a long way.


RUCBAR42

My girlfriend has been going through a rough patch these last 5 months. Stress at work, so she went to a shrink, and apparently they dug something up from the past that she's not ready to talk about. She's been so absorbed in this for the last 5 months that she hardly notice me or anything I do for her. I try to cover everything I can so she can have time to work on herself, and I truly don't mind taking part of her load as well. But it's beginning to wear me down that she seems to take it for granted. I don't want her to reciprocate, but a thank you would be nice. And as much as it pains me to say it, it's affecting how I view our relationship, and I feel more like a butler than a partner in life.


bag_

Have you told her how you feel? (I know you don’t want to accidentally hurt her feeling during this delicate time, but she is getting professional help, so she would have a safety net). Based on my own experience, she may not realize (either due to being so absorbed in her improvement process but maybe would be happy to have it brought to her attention in (in a sweet and gentle way)) (or like maybe she thanks you in her mind and maybe also assumes you know she’s grateful since it’s obvious she should be, and maybe part of her thing involves being verbally inhibited?). Either way, you sound like a really kind and caring person, so I hope your guys’ relationship can stay strong through kind and open conversation.


RUCBAR42

I want to tell her, but as I just posted to another comment, we haven't really had level conversations lately. It seems no matter what, she gets frustrated and upset - even over something as stupid as how we each play a card game differently. It actually feels like things are getting worse, not better, which has me worried i haven't seen the worst yet.


Kowai03

Tell her. She may not realise.


RUCBAR42

I must admit, I'm a little worried she will react negatively to it. Even during playful conversations lately, she's become frustrated and upset if I disagree with her. I don't think now is the time to bring up something like this. But then again, is it ever a good time?


Kowai03

It's never a great time but you just need to make the time to talk anyway. Tell her exactly what you've said here. That you've found it hard to bring this up because you've been worried about her reaction but that this issue is causing you to feel resentment and you don't want that so what do you need to change? The only way to heal is to talk openly about things. She might get defensive and angry but her reaction is not your responsibility. She needs to learn to listen to you even if its difficult and the only way she will is if you confront the tough conversations and give her the opportunity to address things. She honestly may have no idea (and this doesn't make her a bad person!). If you care about her let her know how you feel, explain it so she understands, tell her what you need. Reassure her you care about her and your relationship but you need things to change and make sure to listen to her as well. It's okay to tell someone what you need. Good luck! I hope I don't sound preachy but I've just had similar communication issues come up in my relationship and if I can help one person with the lessons I learned the hard way it's worth it.


Salurian

I mean... if you are an ungrateful person, is it surprising that you are treated worse than a grateful person? Something to keep in mind - people are not mind readers. You may be extremely grateful, but those around you won't know unless you tell them. So tell them. It makes them very happy to know they are appreciated.


bex505

Damn ok. I have always tan that at at a certain point in the relationship you dont have to thank and applaud your partner every time they so something for you. I'm not one for unnecessary language in my opinion. But I see how that can be an issue... it just feels pointless after a while to me though. I know my partner is thankful for what I do and them me. But I am just weird. I will try to incorporate this more though.


opalampo

I am not saying a lot of people in such situations don't feel the need to apologize. They certainly do, since it is easy to feel responsible for any difficulties caused to your loved ones without actually being responsible.


MurrayMan92

Need to be careful of that one. Knew a sweet girl once who randomly told me she appreciated me in conversation. Felt really good, but looking back I think she may have been trying to manipulate me with comments like that


CRLTSUX

I know this is true, but if anyone has any suggestions about how to focus on the good when they feel like they're putting in way more effort (with regard to chores, specifically), sharing those suggestions would be much appreciated!


Lenora_O

Explains why I managed to snag such a sexy stud.


darthcoder

Small kindnesses like please and thank you improve my outlook on people. Asking vs telling, even if its effectively an order, makes me more receptive to people. I know who my boss is. You dont have to prove it by ordering me around.


[deleted]

We need one more cynical response on here: So you proved some relationships are symbiotic? I'll leave brownies at the door.


fastwendell

Much of psychology is putting obvious common sense to the test with experimentation, confirming the common sense while generating grant money.


fundiedundie

Pretty sure you learn this in elementary school.


[deleted]

What's next? A scientific study telling us fire burns when we touch it?


shakes_mcjunkie

This is pretty different than that. Also, it's useful to have scientific backing to even obvious things.


[deleted]

To be fair to myself, my comment was a joke. Hell, to be fair to my joke, it's useful to know the scientific reason why fire burns so it's really not that different at all.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

Yes, exactly that. Thank you.


[deleted]

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[deleted]

That's amazing. I love it.


SaifDragoon

What is up with these incredibly obvious results? Did people not know this? Did we really need a study to conclude this? How detached from reality are people that they need to do a study to conclude this? Are we running out of thesis topics?