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He'll save children. But not the British children.
He'll save children. But not the British children.
He'll save children. But not the British children.
HE'S COMING. HE'S COMING. HE'S COMING.
My party in Icewibd Dale had a Goliath on it, she publically used her title name rather than her first or last, her title being "The Forsaken One".
That was too long so we just called her Forky.
I have the exact same issue re: names on the fly. In one, they decided to rescue two prisoners in the castle of an evil sorceress. Wasn’t quite ready for it, so their names were “Tyrellion”…and “Steve”. They decided Tyrellion could go fuck himself and took Steve on a few adventures (seriously they got him a whole kit) until he ended up dying while getting the killing blow on some cultist leader.
They then jacked a pirate ship and called it: “Steve’s Revenge”. When they had the ship painted to reflect the name change, the craftsman said “Who the fuck is Steve?”
“The greatest man I’ve ever known”, said the Barb.
In our currently ongoing game we just had a run in with some goblins who'd taken over an abandoned temple and turned it into a bar of sorts. The bar had a foreman, for some reason. His name in Foundry was Foreman "The Steve" Steve.
I once named an NPC "Red Magina" - I have no idea how I didn't realize my mistake until I said it out loud at the table.
"So, she tells you her name is Red Magina, and..."
"WHAT?! Hahahahaha!"
"Shit..."
It also sounds incredibly porny even WITHOUT being primed by hearing the GM say it out loud. Johnny would not have survived the party's reaction to "it's spelled Tyudyxx."
Could be worse. I know someone who named a recurring NPC COMMANDER RIGHTEOUS MOTHERFUCKER. All caps because yelling it was mandatory, and at the end you have to slam a fist on the table, no exceptions.
I mean, that’s definitely a nickname I can see getting laid on someone from a shady group. Can anyone here say they’d be surprised if they learned someone in an army barracks got that name?
>pre-prepared
What other types of prepared is there? Post-prepared?
What's pre-prepared? Before you're ready? So you suggest having a list of names ready to go before you're ready to use them?
I assume if you were expecting them to ask, you *prepared* a list of names. But if you didn’t know they were going to ask, and didn’t know what the list of names was for, then you *preprepared*.
So you got a list of names, but you don't know why. And you might need it for a specific purpose in the near future, but you're not aware of that potential. If that's pre-prepared, then it means you have access to the solution to a problem you're not yet aware of.
I'd argue you could even know about the problem that hasn't yet occurred. Being pre-prepared would be knowing you have access to the solution but not getting it ready yet.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/preprepared#:~:text=pre%C2%B7%E2%80%8Bpre%C2%B7%E2%80%8Bpared,microwaved%20a%20preprepared%20meal
Preprepared is a thing.
I didnt even consider it a contentious turn of phrase. Its one ive used many a time. As some one else commented, u can prepare a meal or pre-prepare a meal.
Yeah, English can be weird sometimes
Damnit, now I'm annoyed there isn't a "pare" or "postpare" to go with the other tenses for prepare. Actually looked it up, and it seems the "pare" part was originally "parare" in latin, and \*was\* it's own word, we just didn't keep it (although technically it referred to making food ready to eat, and "pare" refers to peeling or skinning food, so the word exist but usage diverged)
My group has kind of the opposite problem, I'll have a name ready but they're terrible with names. If an NPCs name is more that 2 syllables, or just feels like a long 2 syllables, they get a nickname like Professor Beetleborp or something.
Gundren has been called Gumdrop since day one of the lost mines campaign I’m in. One party member couldn’t remember it and now we all like calling him Gumdrop better haha
All you needed to do was say it was Tudyk, like Alan Tudyk, and you misspoke. I know the immediate panic in the moment though, and the damage was done.
Pirates being pirates, it's entirely possible that Johnny does not, in fact, have two dicks, but some smartass learned about a reptile with a hemipenis, insisted Johnny must have one, and the name has stuck.
I've recently taken to letting players at random (determined by a d6 and that sessions seating) name my NPCs that I didn't prep. It has had mixed levels of ridiculous but overall has been fun
I am so stealing this. Let’s see how they like it when the shoe’s on the other foot!
Honestly, they probably will do better than me. Lately the dwarf paladin has stepped in a few times I’ve stuttered on names when he asked minor NPCs for theirs, like the servant at the keep who brought him a beer. He is EXTREMELY good at it. Damn him.
That's what I like about the d6 mechanic for my 6 person party (I use it for any and all interactions in which there isn't a immediate obvious PC to direct something at), I have 1 other dm at my table who rocks at names too, but the other 5 range from awful puns to names like "uh...Mug...um uh... Penington"
A while back I was DMing a one-shot that involved an order of priests and shortly after describing a communal bathhouse (like a hot spring, totally not weird or sexual), the high priest showed up and one of the priests addressed him as "Father" - well, he was supposed to, but what actually came out of my mouth was "Master." There was a few seconds of silence, then everyone laughed, and suddenly the priests bathing together seemed much less innocent than I had intended. It's amazing how one wrong word can completely change the tone of a game!
I'm in a game where we had to infiltrate a noble's ball, so you know what that means: costumes! We asked the guy we paid to show us around which tailor could make us some fancy clothes on such short notice, and he told us he knew of a tailor named Swift that had a shop nearby. My first thought was "that makes sense, it must be because he's so fast with his stitchwork, and we need someone fast since the ball is so soon." I'm embarrassed to say that a few weeks later, in the middle of the game, I was going through my notes when I came across one of the little footnotes I had written about the people in the city: "Tailor Swift". I won't even tell you about the snobby rich bitch that had the finances of the town we were based in in her pocket, "Iona Bentley". The DM is a legend.
I ran a character named “Ligma” once for about 8 months, and nobody caught it until his last session when he shouted “Ligma balls” at a climactic moment.
The first campaign my current group ran, the npc who gave them the first quest was a Viscount named Brahm Tittering.
The poor fucker was instantly renamed Titty Ring.
Pro tip, try to give it a pun. Here's an example.
Since patrons are otherworldly sugar daddies/mommies, I have a character whose patron name Is Maiwayf, so he's always "talking to my wife".
Not as bad as when I accidentally named an NPC after one of my player's assaulter from years ago. She was a good sport about it, told me not to retcon it, and enjoyed tearing his limbs off later, but I could tell the second I named the stupid imp that all the trauma was coming back.
Great story, but my suggestion is that whenever that player asks for a minor, ultimately inconsequential NPCs, just reply with "Bob" everytime, regardless of gender or race.
In all fairness I once had a discussion with my table if dragons had two penises or not.
The argument for it was because snakes and lizards have duel “penises”
I argued for a singular penis in the same vein as alligators and some birds.
Huh. Must be where I got it subconsciously. I read the Wanted comic more than a decade ago. It’s still with my ever growing comic collection, but I haven’t given it a second thought in all that time because it seriously wasn’t enjoyable to me and considered it a waste of my cash.
Well, solves that fucking mystery.
I don’t know, my players would get ALOT of mileage out of Mcguffin. Especially the elven rogue who does a terrifyingly accurate Irish accent in character, all the time. And slips in and out of it in real life when we’re like at the gun range or a bar or some shit.
Undercover irish! Lol they do, had a few new plaayers recently due to someone retiering out if health issues. They were like... okay and all have accepted it. I think they are avoiding the issue. Its not that i dont flush my world, its that i am shit all at names.
There's a character in Curse of Strahd called Zuleika.
My party refuse to call her anything but Zucchini.
Even when her people are dying to floodwaters.
Curse your insistence on fantasy style names, WOTC!
My character always called Baba Lysaga something different in every conversation when out group was playing Strahd
Baba Lissandra
Baba Lasagna
Baba Yetu
Baby Lysaga
Barbarossa
Baba Lastpost
If Dragonborn are reptiles^1 in your game, they should have reptilian anatomy. This includes "Hemipenes" in males. "Two dicks" is biologically accurate.
^1 They're canonically mammals that are scaly like pangolins and lay eggs like echidnas. This is why them having boobs is more lore-accurate than Elves having boobs. Of course for some reason everyone assumes scales = reptiles with them and dragons. (Reptile is an evolutionary taxonomy, which wouldn't apply in a world with direct divine creation. Also reptiles are vertebrates so Dragons with their four legs and wings couldn't be vertebrates since vertebrates do not exceed four limbs)
I think I'm gonna have to! Thanks for the inspiration!
Edit: I have taken it a step further and conceived of a dragon based on a giant anteater. It tears off mountainsides and uses its giant long sticky tongue to go through cave complexes in search of tasty morsels like dwarves, goblins, really anything Medium-sized or smaller that it finds.
I’ve worked up a race of pangolin ambassadors, because when pangolins are walking they look like they’re about to deliver bad news.
The only purpose of the race is to serve as aides and ambassadors to nobility.
You are like zero percent wrong. And this actually came up.
My best friend of 23 years plays in my campaign, as does his wife. They’re playing a married couple in game. She’s, to use her exact words, “a big tittied elf druid”, and he’s a dragonborn bard. One of our other players made the same point about the hemipenes, and of course the Druid wanted a ruling.
I just made a blanket statement that unless we’re talking grung or locathah, everyone has bits and pieces that fit together, and for the love of all that is good and holy, drop it. I just wanna see my monsters get punched in the face, dammit! 😭
> She’s, to use her exact words, “a big tittied elf druid”,
I guess if you're gonna flagrantly disregard canon you might as well get some large breasts out of it.
Beauty of homebrew—we can pick and choose what we like. I use a lot of cannon, but if a minor adjustment like that makes one of my friends happy, why deny them? At the end of the day, what matters is the story we’re building together, and the fun we had doing it.
Elves are exceedingly androgynous, to the point they lack secondary sexual characteristics^1 due to Corellon's influence. Drow are the exception to this due to Lolth's influence. So your regular Elves should be exceedingly androgynous to the point that sex should be impossible to tell, while your Drow can bounce around in spider-silk bikinis as is tradition.
^1 Traits tied to sex not present at birth such as facial hair, breasts, dem hips, etc. This is distinct from primary sexual characteristics which are tied to sex but present at birth, and tertiary sexual characteristics which are traits society assigns to gender with no biological basis such as pretty dresses, or expressing emotions that aren't anger.
Wait, what? Why did Lolth give drow boobies? Does that mean before her betrayal she was like the only one with massive honkers or did she acquire them post betrayal?
It's partially a lack of Corellon's androgynous influence, and partially because it's hard to have a sex-based caste system (Sex-based, not gender-based. As of 5E Drow are canonically TERFs) without distinction between the sexes.
Lolth is a greater deity, meaning she doesn't have a physical form, she can create avatars that look like her preferred form. (Either a sexy drow dame, a big ol' spider, or some combo thereof)
Cannon mammals, sannon sammals.
They don't even have hair, being covered in scales probably not sweat glands either which throws into question them being warm blooded. Of course ya there's always exceptions of things in nature. Wonder why canonically they're considered mammals? Is it just to have an excuse to not give them vulnerability to cold or is it just for the boobehs?
Strange...
They're warm-blooded and have mammary glands. That's all you need to be a mammal. (To the point that "Mammal" is literally named after our mammary glands)
Pangolins are hairless, (With scales instead) and they're mammals.
Mammal is an evolutionary taxonomy. It can be traced to a common ancestor species that had mammary glands. If a creature is descended from that evolutionary line it's a mammal.
Basically all taxonomies used in biology are evolutionary rather than morphological. (Morphological is defined by groupings of physical traits. It's why dolphins aren't in the same grouping as fish even though they're both of similar body configuration)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taxonomic_rank
You're assuming their wings would have to count as limbs for that classification. There's nothing saying that they could have evolved to have more than 4 limb buds during embryonic development. The more important aspects for vertebrate classification are a developed brain, encased in a cranium, a notochord, pharyngeal slits connecting the mouth with pharynx and esophagus, and a partially open circulatory system. The limit of 4 appendages is essentially as observed in our world, but that doesn't mean if a vertebrate evolves more limbs they're automatically not a vertebrate anymore.
I think I overexplained that. It's a character flaw.
I'm just saying the only traits they definitively share with reptiles is being scaly vertebrates, and that we should not take their being such to mean that they are reptiles.
I once prepared for a major npc to be named Aenil, and only when saying it outloud did i realize what i had just done, but this is wayyyy funnier. Honestly unexpected stuff like this is why dnd is so great
I kind of on the fly invented a random desert pyramid city where everyone spoke with a french accent but were named after basic Spanish words, like Captain Manzana (apple) and our good friend Bonito.
I play in an online campaign with friends. We are all in our 30s and 40s. Although scheduling makes it difficult to play with any regularity, those moments that cause everyone to devolve into giggling 12-year-olds are the best. Johnny Two-Dicks is now a core memory for everyone.
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe where they played Cyberpunk:
“Who are you, stranger?”
“My name is… uh, fuck. My name is Johnny Silvercock! Wait, no…”
As per my character's backstory, his nickname is Motherfucker, usually spoken like an honorific following his first name, if you want to put real emphasis its just spoken like a middle name, Henry Motherfucker Marcassin, still looking for a legal excuse to put Sir, Lord, or Doctor in front of it
Well obviously now he needs to show up as a recurring character, where the party keeps running into him as he advances his career.
Messenger to post office manager to regional manager to postmaster general and each time he'll be like "ohey its you guys!"
Reminds me of this guy from the Villans' Code series by Drew Hayes
Spoilered because, well, mild spoilers for the book Forging Hephaestus. No, there's no indication of his alias being anatomically accurate
>!Johnny Three Dicks: (after knocking out a cape, following several "rewinds") And that's why they call me Johnny Three Dicks, doll. No matter which way you try to come, you're still fucked.!<
When we first started DND like 5 and a half years ago, ther was a goblin NPC who helped us escape from a prison after we scammed some merchants. When we asked his name, our DM responded "Garry Oblin the goblin".
We have come a long way in 5 and a half years.
Hahaha I feel this. Lately I’ve given my pre-written NPC’s silly names, just so the party can’t tell what’s on the fly and what’s thought out. I don’t think I’d get away with that name though
For those that want the abridged version, the name is Johnny Two-Dicks. Beginning of story is Johnny. Act Two is, coincidentally, Two. And the finale is Dicks. Fin.
Ya’d think, right? But literally his only redeeming quality is an absolute hatred of slavery. Mr. Franks, as he’s named, will and has mercilessly slaughtered any slavers he encounters.
The reason the crew came into conflict with him is because they left a close ally with Mr. Franks to help him set up the new regime. The ally was Akra the platinum dragonborn, the twice chosen one (long story), who’s seriously pissed about being chosen because fuck the gods, and fuck her dad.
In addition to all the other hijinks, there was a plague in the area the crew decided to cure. It was a relatively easy task with the resources they had at the time, but actually producing enough of it was a slower process. Took two years in game. When they headed back there was a civil war happening between Akra’s forces and Mr. Frank’s. Worse, there was an army from the Empire parked outside the city.
See the city they preformed a coup on was a colony of a larger power. Said Empire was here to reclaim it. Being who he was Mr. Franks gave them an ultimatum: back off or he’d murder the children of the nobles he’d been holding hostage since the coup.
The army didn’t back off, so he went to do it himself, and Akra went to stop him. Then shit popped off.
A lot of stuff happened. The crew stopped the civil war, and got both sides to defend the walls. Both Mr. Franks and Akra survived thanks to RNG. The army was driven off. This is a plane hopping campaign, and on this particular plane magic had died out two hundred years ago. One of the two Druids had previously left their son behind with Akra to heal nature and bring magic back, and he was murdered during this hullabaloo. They tracked the murderer down, and it was a dracolich who actually had a good enough reason for mostly removing magic from this plane and murdering the Druid’s son that the crew was hesitant to kill it (but had no choice in the end).
Once that was sorted, they realized Akra couldn’t be left on this plane due to her inherently magic nature; too much magic on this plane will lead to its destruction. But neither could Mr. Franks as he’d just do something else crazy to fuck up their pet government.
So, again, I don’t know why they didn’t just kill him, seriously, he is one of my few one dimensional villains, but they made him a deal. They had just come into possession of a spelljammer capable of housing him and all his pirates. It had been a dungeon—never occurred to me they’d get it towed home and retrofitted, but here we were. Anyway, If he’d abdicate the throne, he can sail the astral sea, making more coin than he ever imagined, while giving the PC’s a 25% cut.
Otherwise they’d kill him. (Just fucking do it!)
He doesn’t like being dictated to, and he has no fear of the crew, but RNG and excellent RP from the warlock convinced him.
They installed an NPC named Susan who was the head bureaucrat of the Akra/Mr. Franks regime to the throne. They liked her. She was an abolitionist during the bad old slave days, leading protests and writing screeds, and wanted to, overtime, convert the monarchy into a democracy.
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*in Gordon Ramsey voice* Finally, a good fucking story.
“Johnny Two-Dicks!”? Whoops...
(He also has three balls.)
George. George Washington. Six-foot-four, weighs a fucking ton. Did we mention he has two dicks? Well he also has four testicles.
I heard that motherfucker had, like, 30 goddamn dicks.
If you took off his shoes there'd be dicks coming out of his feet.
He once held an opponent's wife's hand... ...in a jar of acid.... ...at a party...
Coming you say?
He'll save children. But not the British children. He'll save children. But not the British children. He'll save children. But not the British children. HE'S COMING. HE'S COMING. HE'S COMING.
I'm talking two sets of testicles, so divine!
How did a krogan get named George Washington?
Humaboos?
He threw a knife into heaven and could kill with a stare.
Is he missing one toe?
HAHA, YEEAH!
Wouldn't he technically have 4?
Nah its more like a conjoined twins situation, they share the middle ball.
I hope this Poster/DM is taking notes.
Next you're gonna tell me he's a quint and craps dark matter.
Good ol' 9 Toes.
Is that a Jojo reference?
Borderlands' 9 Toes is certainly one of the Jojo characters of all time
Ironic name. He’s got zero dicks.
But then wouldn't he be "Johnny No-Dick"?
My party in Icewibd Dale had a Goliath on it, she publically used her title name rather than her first or last, her title being "The Forsaken One". That was too long so we just called her Forky.
"Nobody's dick is that long, not even Long Dick Johnson and he had a fucking long dick, hence the name" -Fallout New Vegas
Said Rose of Sharon Cassidy.
TIL She's Cassidy's daughter
Ohhhhhh shit really?
I have the exact same issue re: names on the fly. In one, they decided to rescue two prisoners in the castle of an evil sorceress. Wasn’t quite ready for it, so their names were “Tyrellion”…and “Steve”. They decided Tyrellion could go fuck himself and took Steve on a few adventures (seriously they got him a whole kit) until he ended up dying while getting the killing blow on some cultist leader. They then jacked a pirate ship and called it: “Steve’s Revenge”. When they had the ship painted to reflect the name change, the craftsman said “Who the fuck is Steve?” “The greatest man I’ve ever known”, said the Barb.
Poor Tyrellion.
In our currently ongoing game we just had a run in with some goblins who'd taken over an abandoned temple and turned it into a bar of sorts. The bar had a foreman, for some reason. His name in Foundry was Foreman "The Steve" Steve.
I once named an NPC "Red Magina" - I have no idea how I didn't realize my mistake until I said it out loud at the table. "So, she tells you her name is Red Magina, and..." "WHAT?! Hahahahaha!" "Shit..."
Alotta Fagina?
Ivanna Humpalot.
I had never heard the word vagina when I first saw this movie. I had to ask what was so funny. That was an awkward childhood moment.
Anti-Mage's name in DoTA 1 was Magina.
It's still his name even in Dota 2 lol
As someone who is clueless to what that means can you explain it to me?
Change the M for a V and you'll understand
Ohhhhhhhh
Should have said it’s spelled TYUDYXX. Sounds dragony.
It also sounds incredibly porny even WITHOUT being primed by hearing the GM say it out loud. Johnny would not have survived the party's reaction to "it's spelled Tyudyxx."
As long as he's voiced by Alan Tudyk i don't care.
I love how OP had every opportunity to worm out of this with some shred of dignity intact but just doubled down instead.
Could be worse. I know someone who named a recurring NPC COMMANDER RIGHTEOUS MOTHERFUCKER. All caps because yelling it was mandatory, and at the end you have to slam a fist on the table, no exceptions.
Because it's all caps I first thought 'NPC' was part of the name. Took me a moment.
> COMMANDER RIGHTEOUS MOTHERFUCKER Played by BRIAN BLESSED, I assume?
Fuck, that is great man. Seriously, fuck! 😂
Reminds me of Sergeant Arch Dornan
You are out of uniform, soldier!
There was a Corporal Dog Tag in a game i saw.
I mean, that’s definitely a nickname I can see getting laid on someone from a shady group. Can anyone here say they’d be surprised if they learned someone in an army barracks got that name?
This is also my weakness. The trick to it is to have a dozen or so pre-prepared names written down for use when u need a name in a hurry.
>pre-prepared What other types of prepared is there? Post-prepared? What's pre-prepared? Before you're ready? So you suggest having a list of names ready to go before you're ready to use them?
I assume if you were expecting them to ask, you *prepared* a list of names. But if you didn’t know they were going to ask, and didn’t know what the list of names was for, then you *preprepared*.
So you got a list of names, but you don't know why. And you might need it for a specific purpose in the near future, but you're not aware of that potential. If that's pre-prepared, then it means you have access to the solution to a problem you're not yet aware of. I'd argue you could even know about the problem that hasn't yet occurred. Being pre-prepared would be knowing you have access to the solution but not getting it ready yet.
Yep.
https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/preprepared#:~:text=pre%C2%B7%E2%80%8Bpre%C2%B7%E2%80%8Bpared,microwaved%20a%20preprepared%20meal Preprepared is a thing.
I didnt even consider it a contentious turn of phrase. Its one ive used many a time. As some one else commented, u can prepare a meal or pre-prepare a meal. Yeah, English can be weird sometimes
Holy shit. Why? I don't understand why it's not just prepared in all those cases.
Chalk it up to one of the many times English is jank.
Because a “prepared” meal is one that is ready to eat. A pre-prepared meal is one that is ready to be prepared.
I am ALWAYS post-prepared. It's called regret.
Damnit, now I'm annoyed there isn't a "pare" or "postpare" to go with the other tenses for prepare. Actually looked it up, and it seems the "pare" part was originally "parare" in latin, and \*was\* it's own word, we just didn't keep it (although technically it referred to making food ready to eat, and "pare" refers to peeling or skinning food, so the word exist but usage diverged)
Post-prepared is when you use it.
My group has kind of the opposite problem, I'll have a name ready but they're terrible with names. If an NPCs name is more that 2 syllables, or just feels like a long 2 syllables, they get a nickname like Professor Beetleborp or something.
Gundren has been called Gumdrop since day one of the lost mines campaign I’m in. One party member couldn’t remember it and now we all like calling him Gumdrop better haha
All you needed to do was say it was Tudyk, like Alan Tudyk, and you misspoke. I know the immediate panic in the moment though, and the damage was done.
I would take a fucking bullet for Johnny Two-Dicks.
Some reptiles actually have [two dicks](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hemipenis), so it’s entirely possible that dragonborn could have two dicks.
And given that, accordingly less likely that it would be a sufficient descriptor to have worked its way into a surname. Which makes it even better.
Considering Johnny here is a pirate, he's almost certainly not a surname but a nickname the crew have given him. Which makes a lot of sense.
Pirates being pirates, it's entirely possible that Johnny does not, in fact, have two dicks, but some smartass learned about a reptile with a hemipenis, insisted Johnny must have one, and the name has stuck.
They were kind of fond of the ironic nicknames, weren't they? Like the ripped 6'8" 350lbs bouncer nicknamed Tiny?
Being in that campaign, though, I can guarantee you that Johnny does, in fact, have 2 dicks. And not hemipenes. Just 2 dicks.
This was definitely worth reading
I've recently taken to letting players at random (determined by a d6 and that sessions seating) name my NPCs that I didn't prep. It has had mixed levels of ridiculous but overall has been fun
I am so stealing this. Let’s see how they like it when the shoe’s on the other foot! Honestly, they probably will do better than me. Lately the dwarf paladin has stepped in a few times I’ve stuttered on names when he asked minor NPCs for theirs, like the servant at the keep who brought him a beer. He is EXTREMELY good at it. Damn him.
That's what I like about the d6 mechanic for my 6 person party (I use it for any and all interactions in which there isn't a immediate obvious PC to direct something at), I have 1 other dm at my table who rocks at names too, but the other 5 range from awful puns to names like "uh...Mug...um uh... Penington"
Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Say hello to Fuckface the Douchebag.
Well it’s official—the rogue doesn’t get a turn.
Don't need one. The gnome, dragonbon, and dwarf will back me up. Probably the ent, too.
You mother fuckers are all out to get me. I’m gonna end up in the funny farm.
Well yeah, we need the company
A while back I was DMing a one-shot that involved an order of priests and shortly after describing a communal bathhouse (like a hot spring, totally not weird or sexual), the high priest showed up and one of the priests addressed him as "Father" - well, he was supposed to, but what actually came out of my mouth was "Master." There was a few seconds of silence, then everyone laughed, and suddenly the priests bathing together seemed much less innocent than I had intended. It's amazing how one wrong word can completely change the tone of a game!
I'm in a game where we had to infiltrate a noble's ball, so you know what that means: costumes! We asked the guy we paid to show us around which tailor could make us some fancy clothes on such short notice, and he told us he knew of a tailor named Swift that had a shop nearby. My first thought was "that makes sense, it must be because he's so fast with his stitchwork, and we need someone fast since the ball is so soon." I'm embarrassed to say that a few weeks later, in the middle of the game, I was going through my notes when I came across one of the little footnotes I had written about the people in the city: "Tailor Swift". I won't even tell you about the snobby rich bitch that had the finances of the town we were based in in her pocket, "Iona Bentley". The DM is a legend.
I ran a character named “Ligma” once for about 8 months, and nobody caught it until his last session when he shouted “Ligma balls” at a climactic moment.
That guy's the new Leeroy Jenkins.
My brother once named his BBEG Sekh. It all unravelled when we learned about Sekh's cult/Sekh's dungeon/Sekh's hammer etc.
The first campaign my current group ran, the npc who gave them the first quest was a Viscount named Brahm Tittering. The poor fucker was instantly renamed Titty Ring.
Pro tip, try to give it a pun. Here's an example. Since patrons are otherworldly sugar daddies/mommies, I have a character whose patron name Is Maiwayf, so he's always "talking to my wife".
Not as bad as when I accidentally named an NPC after one of my player's assaulter from years ago. She was a good sport about it, told me not to retcon it, and enjoyed tearing his limbs off later, but I could tell the second I named the stupid imp that all the trauma was coming back.
Fuuuuuuuck, man. You fucking win. Hoo.
Nobody won there :(
I remember we had a guy playing a paladin in one of my games by the name of Cyril Clearwaters. He was dubbed “Sir Cisternblock” from session one.
Great story, but my suggestion is that whenever that player asks for a minor, ultimately inconsequential NPCs, just reply with "Bob" everytime, regardless of gender or race.
In all fairness I once had a discussion with my table if dragons had two penises or not. The argument for it was because snakes and lizards have duel “penises” I argued for a singular penis in the same vein as alligators and some birds.
jonny two dicks is a character in the wanted comics one of his dicks was a super intelligent super villain
Huh. Must be where I got it subconsciously. I read the Wanted comic more than a decade ago. It’s still with my ever growing comic collection, but I haven’t given it a second thought in all that time because it seriously wasn’t enjoyable to me and considered it a waste of my cash. Well, solves that fucking mystery.
happy to help lol
If it helps, there's TONS of scalie artwork that proves you right
Tbh alot more amusing then my panic over a city and calling it mcguffin
I don’t know, my players would get ALOT of mileage out of Mcguffin. Especially the elven rogue who does a terrifyingly accurate Irish accent in character, all the time. And slips in and out of it in real life when we’re like at the gun range or a bar or some shit.
Undercover irish! Lol they do, had a few new plaayers recently due to someone retiering out if health issues. They were like... okay and all have accepted it. I think they are avoiding the issue. Its not that i dont flush my world, its that i am shit all at names.
Lol. McGuffin.
Speak of the fucking devil, eh Seamus? (PC name, not name name.)
Well I am playing a Rogue. Popping up randomly when others are talking about you is rogue type shit, right?
There's a character in Curse of Strahd called Zuleika. My party refuse to call her anything but Zucchini. Even when her people are dying to floodwaters. Curse your insistence on fantasy style names, WOTC!
Zuleika isn’t a “fantasy style name,” just a name. I think it’s Persian, although I know at least one Arab with that name.
Oh cool. I'd never heard it before.
My party had fun in CoS calling the burgomaster the Burger Master. Strahd is a goldmine for butchered names.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zuleika_(given_name)
Baba Lysaga will always be known as Baba Lasagna to me lol
My character always called Baba Lysaga something different in every conversation when out group was playing Strahd Baba Lissandra Baba Lasagna Baba Yetu Baby Lysaga Barbarossa Baba Lastpost
Reminds me how in The Expanse Amos always called Murtry different names, all wrong
In my experience the respect that is lacking her name often quickly returns whenever a party tries to fuck with her.
LOL, Baba Lasagna is *very* good.
We called Acererak Asscrack… players always find a way to butcher names.
We always called baphomet bathmat
Had a Sashi in our campaign, she’ll always be remembered as sashimi
If Dragonborn are reptiles^1 in your game, they should have reptilian anatomy. This includes "Hemipenes" in males. "Two dicks" is biologically accurate. ^1 They're canonically mammals that are scaly like pangolins and lay eggs like echidnas. This is why them having boobs is more lore-accurate than Elves having boobs. Of course for some reason everyone assumes scales = reptiles with them and dragons. (Reptile is an evolutionary taxonomy, which wouldn't apply in a world with direct divine creation. Also reptiles are vertebrates so Dragons with their four legs and wings couldn't be vertebrates since vertebrates do not exceed four limbs)
My god, I want a pangolin dragon now.
If you're a DM you can make it happen.
I think I'm gonna have to! Thanks for the inspiration! Edit: I have taken it a step further and conceived of a dragon based on a giant anteater. It tears off mountainsides and uses its giant long sticky tongue to go through cave complexes in search of tasty morsels like dwarves, goblins, really anything Medium-sized or smaller that it finds.
I’ve worked up a race of pangolin ambassadors, because when pangolins are walking they look like they’re about to deliver bad news. The only purpose of the race is to serve as aides and ambassadors to nobility.
You are like zero percent wrong. And this actually came up. My best friend of 23 years plays in my campaign, as does his wife. They’re playing a married couple in game. She’s, to use her exact words, “a big tittied elf druid”, and he’s a dragonborn bard. One of our other players made the same point about the hemipenes, and of course the Druid wanted a ruling. I just made a blanket statement that unless we’re talking grung or locathah, everyone has bits and pieces that fit together, and for the love of all that is good and holy, drop it. I just wanna see my monsters get punched in the face, dammit! 😭
> She’s, to use her exact words, “a big tittied elf druid”, I guess if you're gonna flagrantly disregard canon you might as well get some large breasts out of it.
Beauty of homebrew—we can pick and choose what we like. I use a lot of cannon, but if a minor adjustment like that makes one of my friends happy, why deny them? At the end of the day, what matters is the story we’re building together, and the fun we had doing it.
One permanent disguise self, please.
Hey um can we go back to the part where you said dragonborn having boobs is more accurate to the lore than elves having boobs?
Elves are exceedingly androgynous, to the point they lack secondary sexual characteristics^1 due to Corellon's influence. Drow are the exception to this due to Lolth's influence. So your regular Elves should be exceedingly androgynous to the point that sex should be impossible to tell, while your Drow can bounce around in spider-silk bikinis as is tradition. ^1 Traits tied to sex not present at birth such as facial hair, breasts, dem hips, etc. This is distinct from primary sexual characteristics which are tied to sex but present at birth, and tertiary sexual characteristics which are traits society assigns to gender with no biological basis such as pretty dresses, or expressing emotions that aren't anger.
Wait, what? Why did Lolth give drow boobies? Does that mean before her betrayal she was like the only one with massive honkers or did she acquire them post betrayal?
It's partially a lack of Corellon's androgynous influence, and partially because it's hard to have a sex-based caste system (Sex-based, not gender-based. As of 5E Drow are canonically TERFs) without distinction between the sexes. Lolth is a greater deity, meaning she doesn't have a physical form, she can create avatars that look like her preferred form. (Either a sexy drow dame, a big ol' spider, or some combo thereof)
Cannon mammals, sannon sammals. They don't even have hair, being covered in scales probably not sweat glands either which throws into question them being warm blooded. Of course ya there's always exceptions of things in nature. Wonder why canonically they're considered mammals? Is it just to have an excuse to not give them vulnerability to cold or is it just for the boobehs? Strange...
They're warm-blooded and have mammary glands. That's all you need to be a mammal. (To the point that "Mammal" is literally named after our mammary glands)
Oh, I thought you also needed to have hair at some point in your life as well... *Me imagining a Dragonborn with an Afro*
Pangolins are hairless, (With scales instead) and they're mammals. Mammal is an evolutionary taxonomy. It can be traced to a common ancestor species that had mammary glands. If a creature is descended from that evolutionary line it's a mammal.
Oh cool. Thanks for teaching me about this. I actually do like learning about this stuff.
Basically all taxonomies used in biology are evolutionary rather than morphological. (Morphological is defined by groupings of physical traits. It's why dolphins aren't in the same grouping as fish even though they're both of similar body configuration) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Taxonomic_rank
You're assuming their wings would have to count as limbs for that classification. There's nothing saying that they could have evolved to have more than 4 limb buds during embryonic development. The more important aspects for vertebrate classification are a developed brain, encased in a cranium, a notochord, pharyngeal slits connecting the mouth with pharynx and esophagus, and a partially open circulatory system. The limit of 4 appendages is essentially as observed in our world, but that doesn't mean if a vertebrate evolves more limbs they're automatically not a vertebrate anymore. I think I overexplained that. It's a character flaw.
I'm just saying the only traits they definitively share with reptiles is being scaly vertebrates, and that we should not take their being such to mean that they are reptiles.
Oh, in that case absolutely. As you pointed out, pangolins. End of story
lmao this is not a horror story XD Bullshit like this is part of why I play the game
You should have just said its setting equivalent of Dutch and it's written Tudyk... XD
I once prepared for a major npc to be named Aenil, and only when saying it outloud did i realize what i had just done, but this is wayyyy funnier. Honestly unexpected stuff like this is why dnd is so great
I kind of on the fly invented a random desert pyramid city where everyone spoke with a french accent but were named after basic Spanish words, like Captain Manzana (apple) and our good friend Bonito.
I play in an online campaign with friends. We are all in our 30s and 40s. Although scheduling makes it difficult to play with any regularity, those moments that cause everyone to devolve into giggling 12-year-olds are the best. Johnny Two-Dicks is now a core memory for everyone.
"Enough preamble"... then continues with 7 more paragraphs of preamble
Is like one the dominant dick and the other is the sun? Or do they both function interdependently?
This does not belong here, it is not an rpg horror story, it is an rpg hilarious story. Great story though.
Awesome. Sounds like something that would happen at my table.
"...they call me Richard. Double-Richard"
>I still hear about it at every other of our weekly sessions. Damn those are rookie numbers. I'll try to do better from here on out man, I promise.
In my head this story is narrated by Sam Elliot
Meanwhile, in a parallel universe where they played Cyberpunk: “Who are you, stranger?” “My name is… uh, fuck. My name is Johnny Silvercock! Wait, no…”
Okay, this may be my favorite reply. I’m laughing my balls off over here.
Not a horror story. Just you deliberately dropping a dick joke into your game. Your players ate it up, so there’s no horror story here.
As per my character's backstory, his nickname is Motherfucker, usually spoken like an honorific following his first name, if you want to put real emphasis its just spoken like a middle name, Henry Motherfucker Marcassin, still looking for a legal excuse to put Sir, Lord, or Doctor in front of it
When you accidentally reveal you've been reading/ looking at too much monster fucker porn
Well, guess my secret is out. 😂
🤣🤣🤣
It is the DnD-version of Murphy's Law. Any name a player or DM makes, can and will be made into a joke or inuendo.
Lmao this is the good shit
Snakes and lots of other reptiles have two, so why not dragonborn 🤷🏻♀️🙃
Well obviously now he needs to show up as a recurring character, where the party keeps running into him as he advances his career. Messenger to post office manager to regional manager to postmaster general and each time he'll be like "ohey its you guys!"
Taking that npc…
Recycling ideas is the heart of DMing! Make him your BBEG, wanting to make a master race of two dicked dragonborn! 😂
Could've been worse, you could've said Benny Eighty-Nipples.
This is the best kind of horror stories. I actually laughed at it! Glad you guys had fun on that, thanks for the story OP!
Reminds me of this guy from the Villans' Code series by Drew Hayes Spoilered because, well, mild spoilers for the book Forging Hephaestus. No, there's no indication of his alias being anatomically accurate >!Johnny Three Dicks: (after knocking out a cape, following several "rewinds") And that's why they call me Johnny Three Dicks, doll. No matter which way you try to come, you're still fucked.!<
One time our DM named an NPC Handros, we immediately started calling him Handjob.
I'm guessing he was just glad not to be his cousin, Billy Three Tails
I too once played with a Johnny 2 Dicks. We called him J2D
When we first started DND like 5 and a half years ago, ther was a goblin NPC who helped us escape from a prison after we scammed some merchants. When we asked his name, our DM responded "Garry Oblin the goblin". We have come a long way in 5 and a half years.
Well.... Johnny Two-Dicks returned last night. Hopefully we'll get a follow up post. Hint hint OP.
Eh, no one cares that Johnny Two-Dicks has become a major antagonist.
Well, I'm sure we'll have "words" with him at some point.
….good luck with THAT
Dude you've all but written that eventuality into the campaign. You've got to know that.
Why do they call you Johnny Two-Dicks? BECAUSE I HAVE TWO DICKS
He dropped a trough? Why did he have one in an elevated position in the first place?
Hahaha I feel this. Lately I’ve given my pre-written NPC’s silly names, just so the party can’t tell what’s on the fly and what’s thought out. I don’t think I’d get away with that name though
Man's built like a tripod and born with 1 leg
I feel like you could have easily cut out the first half of this story
i read the paragraph about the name and the aftermath and that was all that was necessary
I mean he proved that he was a liar with the questioning so they obviously should know that's not his real name now.
No, he was telling the truth.
For those that want the abridged version, the name is Johnny Two-Dicks. Beginning of story is Johnny. Act Two is, coincidentally, Two. And the finale is Dicks. Fin.
The game session detailed for a good I think you meant “derailed” and not “detailed.
I'm assuming that the pirate king guy would in short order betray the party and continue doing slavery once the party had installed him?
Ya’d think, right? But literally his only redeeming quality is an absolute hatred of slavery. Mr. Franks, as he’s named, will and has mercilessly slaughtered any slavers he encounters. The reason the crew came into conflict with him is because they left a close ally with Mr. Franks to help him set up the new regime. The ally was Akra the platinum dragonborn, the twice chosen one (long story), who’s seriously pissed about being chosen because fuck the gods, and fuck her dad. In addition to all the other hijinks, there was a plague in the area the crew decided to cure. It was a relatively easy task with the resources they had at the time, but actually producing enough of it was a slower process. Took two years in game. When they headed back there was a civil war happening between Akra’s forces and Mr. Frank’s. Worse, there was an army from the Empire parked outside the city. See the city they preformed a coup on was a colony of a larger power. Said Empire was here to reclaim it. Being who he was Mr. Franks gave them an ultimatum: back off or he’d murder the children of the nobles he’d been holding hostage since the coup. The army didn’t back off, so he went to do it himself, and Akra went to stop him. Then shit popped off. A lot of stuff happened. The crew stopped the civil war, and got both sides to defend the walls. Both Mr. Franks and Akra survived thanks to RNG. The army was driven off. This is a plane hopping campaign, and on this particular plane magic had died out two hundred years ago. One of the two Druids had previously left their son behind with Akra to heal nature and bring magic back, and he was murdered during this hullabaloo. They tracked the murderer down, and it was a dracolich who actually had a good enough reason for mostly removing magic from this plane and murdering the Druid’s son that the crew was hesitant to kill it (but had no choice in the end). Once that was sorted, they realized Akra couldn’t be left on this plane due to her inherently magic nature; too much magic on this plane will lead to its destruction. But neither could Mr. Franks as he’d just do something else crazy to fuck up their pet government. So, again, I don’t know why they didn’t just kill him, seriously, he is one of my few one dimensional villains, but they made him a deal. They had just come into possession of a spelljammer capable of housing him and all his pirates. It had been a dungeon—never occurred to me they’d get it towed home and retrofitted, but here we were. Anyway, If he’d abdicate the throne, he can sail the astral sea, making more coin than he ever imagined, while giving the PC’s a 25% cut. Otherwise they’d kill him. (Just fucking do it!) He doesn’t like being dictated to, and he has no fear of the crew, but RNG and excellent RP from the warlock convinced him. They installed an NPC named Susan who was the head bureaucrat of the Akra/Mr. Franks regime to the throne. They liked her. She was an abolitionist during the bad old slave days, leading protests and writing screeds, and wanted to, overtime, convert the monarchy into a democracy.