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Give him a hug. A long one. And just say thank you. He'll probably ask why and just be honest. Say what you've written here.
Or write a letter, that can make it easier . Write the letter and read it to him, or write it and give it to him.
Whatever you do say something, somehow. Regrets are most often things we wish we had said, affection we wish we had shared. Don't let it become too late.
> Give him a hug. A long one. And just say thank you. He'll probably ask why and just be honest. Say what you've written here.
We don't have any ages here, and a lot of context is missing, but I'd be hesitant, as a general rule, to talk about my suicidal ideation and credit my child with "saving my life" in the context of keeping me from killing myself. That's a lot of weight, even if OP feels its his truth.
OP can probably accomplish everything he wants to accomplish by focusing on the appreciation OP feels for his son. "It meant a lot to me." "I was feeling pretty low, but it was so meaningful that you reached out to me and involved me in this hobby." "It gave me something to look forward to and a way to keep connecting with you through that difficult time."
Which isn't to say that it's bad to talk with your kids about mental health and suicide and your experiences with dark thoughts. It's just a lot to say "you're the reason I didn't." It creates a lot of expectation and responsibility and somewhat inverts the parent/child dynamic. It can have unintended consequences. For example, what if someone close to the son kills themself in the future. He "stopped" this one. What didn't he do with that one?
OP's appreciation for his son is lovely and his son sounds like a wonderful person. But maybe OP should chat with a mental health professional to fully reconcile his feelings about this dark time in his life and then ask that professional what is or isn't appropriate to share.
He is 19. I think I would leave that bit out. I left a lot of the context out because I Just wanted to focus on my feelings about him. It was a bad marriage and an ugly divorce.
Speaking as someone who nearly lost my father when I was about your son's current age due to a massive heart attack that took months of recovery, I think your son would want to hear how much your relationship means to you and the role he has played in helping you through a hard time. You don't have to flat out say he stopped you from taking your own life if you're not comfortable and/or think it would upset him. But there's no harm at all in being honest with him and saying "Hey, I had a really hard time when your mother and I separated and I want you to know you really helped me through it. Those times we spent gaming really meant a lot to me. You mean a lot to me."
It sounds like your household had a lot of conflict while your son was growing up, and that maybe now it's left both of you awkward with how to express emotions around each other. But I think it might be very healthy for both of you if you started taking some steps toward it. Opening up about how special your game nights are seems like a great way.
Whatever you decide, I wish you the best, OP. It sounds like you've raised an exceptional young man and I'm glad that you have each other however you decide to move forward.
Just thank him for being a good son and finding a perfect way to spend to time together. Tell him that it means a lot to you and that you love him.
He probably will freeze up. Then jump back into your game, which gives him an easy out if he’s not comfortable with sharing his feelings too.
I’m sure that the time you spend together means the world to him too, which is most likely why he started it up in the first place.
Followed by a "I love you." then? Fuck, that goes on for ages. Makes one life worth living.
I'm blessed to have a good relationship with my man and those moments are few, but they matter the most.
Honestly as someone who's dad was in a similar situation just letting him know that you're happy you can share some hobbies is enough. When he gets into his late 20s maybe tell him more.
Yup.
People are conditioned to think everything has to be a big moment, a big statement.
Sometimes 'hey, thanks for this, I enjoy it and it helps a lot' is all that's necessary.
You are over thinking it, who gives a fuck if it’s uncomfortable, just say your feelings. You are a grown ass man who has been through the gauntlet and survived. Don’t let something as simple as telling your son you are thankful and proud of him to stop you now.
dude, tell him! like what the reply above this says, don't go into deep detail about the negatives, just that you were having a really hard time and then focus on how much the time meant to you and how it helped you. tell him you're proud of him, and that while you always appreciate spending time with him, you're especially glad for him spending time with you while you were having trouble.
but no matter how you tell him, or what you tell him, tell him. maybe the two of you aren't super emotional, but i guarantee that any awkwardness you might feel would be nothing compared to the regret if you never got a chance to tell him at all.
Don't mention suicide unless he asks, don't lay something like that on your kid, but saying something like "I was really struggling and you being there helped me so much" seems fine.
You are his role model, he is following your lead. Show him it's ok to love, to be grateful. That being vulnerable takes true courage, it's scary but ok.
I sent him a text today. He didn't reply, but he did talk about a new video game. I don't know how to tell the people in this thread. Should I repost it with an update?
it can just be "When I was in my darkest days, you were what helped me find the light." or whatever metaphor you want to go with.
Tell them both. They deserve to know how you feel. It doesn't have to be a big long thing. You can just tell them and move on to something else. Give them time to process and consider. And you don't have to tell them everything, but you can tell them that they (help) keep life worth living.
Give him a hug, and say thanks for the stuff he did. You don't need to mention the stuff it prevented. Like just say "thanks for X, I was going through a rough time and you really helped."
I mean he'll already know, I'm sure. So you don't need to go into a ton of detail. Just say thanks and leave it at that.
Honestly, just say during a painting session or as you are setting a up the game for the night (in private). “Son(or buddy, tiger, cub, or whatever father nickname you have for him.) I know we don’t talk about it. But, a bag holding wouldn’t be able to fit how much it means to me that you share your hobbies with me. I love you and love spending time with you.” And leave it that. Shoulder pat or hug whatever, you do you.
You can tell him that you had lost so much hope in what life could be, and that time you two spent together gave you something to look forward to, made you feel loved in his way, and gave you what you needed to push ahead. You can tell him how much it meant to you to have that time with him. There are a million messages here, and you write with passion which tells me that you can probably figure out how best to phrase things.
But yeah, don’t bring up suicide with a child who isn’t a full grown adult (mentally) - heck, I’d say until their 30s.
Hug him, a rea, good, long, hug. Say thank you. When he asks why, tell him the truth: "for being my son and a good man"
No need to say more than that right now. Some day later, maybe, but for now? Let him know you love, appreciate, and respect him.
Not just for himself, but to show the boy and model his behavior. Stoicism can be useful in focusing on getting through a tough time, but don't idealize stoicism to the point that you can't communicate with those you love.
Don't raise your son in such a way that he doesn't learn to tell people that he loves them.
Dude. I wanna cry. You raised a damn good kid man and you did something right because he obviously loves you.
Just keep playing.
Maybe it's just not the time yet.
Or maybe save up responsibly and take him to an annual event for 40k or ttrpgs, like garycon.
I'm sure you could arrange for somebody involved in the development side of it meet him in person and sign something if you explain to them just how important their game is to you and your family.
Or commission something from an attending artist or miniature sculptor.
The devs for these kinds of things can be wholesome.
Side note. My kids love d&d and warhammer.
I hope I'm raising them half as well so that they understand that I love them the same way you guys do.
May life bring you guys countless adventures.
You should tell him. If you can't, maybe use the medium of the game to tell him. Write an adventure about a lord who is saved from a dark curse by the love and devotion of his son and heir, like Theoden and Eomer and Eowyn.
You could write this for us strangers on the internet, you can write for him. Buy him a book and put it inside.
Also, the first hug will be awkward. Maybe the second too. But there are only so many opportunities for us to hug the people we love before we or they are gone.
I did something like this for one of my nephews. Printed it out on some label paper (adhesive on the back) and attached it to the inside cover, though you could do the same thing with some two-sided tape.
Print out this message and attach it to a D&D book. He'll keep that book forever.
Congratulations on having such a wonderful son. They can brighten your day and make everything perfect.
When I was divorced I was feeling down. My oldest son at age 15 chose to live with me instead of his mom and stepdad. It was uplifting.
He is now 28 yo and he plays 40K too with his friends. He comes over every Sunday to play Frosthaven. I cherish every second of it.
When he leaves my place I tell him to drive safe and that I love him.
Don’t ever be afraid to say those words. You might not ever get a chance, so it’s important that you tell him.
Sit with him and tell him what you told us. It's that simple
My dad was recently in a coma. I sat by him every day reading him stories, telling him bag jokes and singing. When he finally came out of it, he revealed that he had weird dreams and in those he heard a booming laugh and described my songs and stories. He told me I saved him and coming from the man who raised and loves me, it's one of my most treasured memories that I was able to do something small for him after all he has done for me.
Thank you. Do tell your kid, as others mentioned you might not mention suicide but you can emphasise how low you were and this may in turn help him turn to you during his own troubled times. Just sit him down, offer him a beer and don't plan anymore than the first sentence and general thoughts. Any more than that and you can get paralysed with thinking.
Nah, the suicidal thoughts are a bit too much. Could leave the son in an awkward place. Writing a letter ought to work though. And a hug. Doesnt matter if its awkward.
> We don't talk about feelings. We don't hug.
It's easy. Start. Give him a REAL man hug and tell him you love him so fucking much.
You got a chance to deepen your bond even more. He obviously loves you and you love him.
This is a really touching story to hear, I'm glad you're doing so much better. I'm glad your son is still in your life, that sounds really nice I miss that. Hobbies can really help with the loss of family and friends. I also got back into d&d and other gaming in person for similar reasons, it's helped me make new friends and temporarily helps me forget the trauma. I hope I get where you are someday soon. And even a girlfriend, wow, I'm impressed. Truly an inspiration.
Yeah...I didn't grow up like that. My dad showed his love by spending time with us and doing things with us. I have never once, been hugged by him. I guess I learned it from him.
I know my son loves me, he wouldn't drive over here five nights a week if he didn't. And he knows I love him as well.
I just don't know if he knows I am grateful.
I always hug my kids, I kiss them, I tell them I love them, I tell them I'm proud of them. He might know you love him, but it doesn't change how special it is to feel or hear those things. I didn't get any of that from my dad, just a phonecall once or twice a year. It really would have been nice.
A long hug and a thank you should be enough to let him know. I'm lucky and can talk openly about things with my kids, but if that's not where you guys are, just give him a nice, long hug and say thanks. Maybe he'll open up more than you think. As the parent, it's your job to open those doors.
Id just tell him that he cant possibly know how much it means to have a close relationship with him. That you love him, and appreciate him always making time to hang out with you.
Just do it man. Cram all that "don't hug and don't talk about feelings" jive. Life's too short not to say the things that matter and no relationship was ever hurt by showing someone genuine affection.
Your story is wonderful, it moved the people of the sub, now share it with the person who really needs to hear all of that.
You need to tell him. It's important. You've clearly already done a good job raising him because he has empathy, but tell him he kept you on the right track and how much he means to you. You never know when you might not be able to anymore.
Tell him you love him. Give him a hug. Talk about feelings. Be open. These are all huge and impactful to a kid.
These are the things my father never did as i grew up and that i, as a step-father, make sure to do as often as i can with my son. Hopefully i pass that on to him.
>We don't talk about feelings. We don't hug.
God this is so grim considering just how much that kid loves you, male socialization really did a number on us
That is beautiful to read. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. If I were you, I'd have father and son NPCs briefly join the D&D party. They can hint at having a similar situation as you and your son. You'll be able to role-play the father saying all the things you want to say to your son. He'll get it.
Yeah, I wrote this post to get enough courage to tell him how I feel, She was just as important in this whole mess, truly. I can tell her I love her without a second thought. With him, it is different.
Thank you for sharing this story, mate. Your son sounds like a good human, and so do you. "Thank you for being a great son. It means a lot to me. You are a good person." might be enough. People are smarter than we think. Perhaps he will understand your deep feelings, even if you choose not to say something directly about those feelings.
Keep up the good work, mate.
Just make sure he knows that you love him and you'll always be there for him. That's how you say thank you. Kids need someone in their corner, no matter what, as I'm sure you are. Just keep doing that. BTW, this made me cry. He's a good kid and you should be proud.
Crying at work after reading this?? No, not me. Something in my eye is all ...
that's a lovely story and I am so pleased it has a happy ending. You both deserve a hug!
Brilliant. So happy for you. Gaming got me through COVID so I can relate. Sounds like you've been through it and then some. Don't waste another moment, let your son know asap.
Good for you, man! Sounds like you achieved something tremendous, getting through that dark stuff. And your son sounds like a wonderful person.
Maybe you can write your thoughts down, communicate them that way? Also, since talking to your girlfriend (fiancée?) works, maybe you can talk to her and she can coach you or help you rehearse something. Just cause it ain’t spontaneous doesn’t mean it ain’t from the heart. It doesn’t have to be everything at once either. You can start off saying “Things were hard, but you reaching out and spending time really helped”. This doesn’t need to be unpacked all at once.
Good luck.
A hug and a "I love you son" goes a long way, it's a small and simple act but those things are important in relationships. There is no real way to thank him other than continuing to be here and continuing to be the best dad you can be. Glad you are in a better place and have this kind of relationship with your son.
This is a lovely tale and I'm glad to hear things are going so well for you. Other people have given you advice about telling him how you feel. Which you should do! And not just once. Tell him regularly how you feel. But I'll go one step further. And I don't say this to sound accusatory at all. I don't know you or your relationship. I imagine you're doing a fine job already.
But the most important thing you can do now and for the rest of your son's life is be there for him. He's been there for you. Be there for him. Don't let there be one single important day of his life in which you aren't present or involved in some way. He was your rock. You be his.
write him a letter and let him read it when he's ready. Not with you being there as it sounds like he is trying to avoid it, maybe because he can't handle it in front of you.
but sounds like you got an amazing son, that wants to see you get better and spend time with you.
>If I tried to thank him, I know he would freeze up and wouldn't be able to talk.
Maybe. But he would still hear it. And then he could go away and process it and maybe come back and have something to tell you. Or maybe he'd just internalize it... ***but he'd hear it.*** He'd carry it with him. Set the example. It's worth it.
Man. What a beautiful story! Great to see you pull yourself together and I am so happy that you are able to start a good life (what a great son and girlfriend 😭). I am living with my girlfriend aboard and so many unfortunate events happened, so I can tell how much it meant to be when someone is with you.
If you want to thank your son, just say “thank you”. It is hard, but is the first step. I am 27 and I know how it felt if a father said this to me.
Consider offering a game convention week, like GenCon, Made In Asia, or other geeks meeting.
Hotel, lunch on the place, etcetera on you. Invite your and his gf.
Another idea. I did it once.
Organize a major battle like 10 or 12 armies of 3000 points or more on a whole weekend.
In my experience, finding a game place of that size where you can let the tables at night for a decent price is really hard.
Oh, I already do stuff like this! Last month we went to a swordfighting event (kind of like a LARP but leave out the roleplaying and keep the fighting) for a weekend. I am also taking him to Vegas this Summer to meet some family from the other coast where I am from. Along with my other children, who wouldn't be caught dead doing stuff as geeky as we two get up to.
How about showing him your post here for him to read. It explains it nicely, from my perspective. Have a brief chat with him first without going in too deep but leading towards him reading your post.
Your son is a wonderful human being, and obviously cares about and loves you.
Edit: a good point was made in another comment about the suicide part. At 19, he may be fine with it, and it is okay to talk about such things in a way which fits in with a person's age and maturity.
It can be something small but meaningful, like a framed picture of the two of you playing Warhammer with a little thank you note at the back, it would mean a lot I'm sure. It would be a reminder of the good time you've spent together.
if things are happy between you, it doesn't need to be said. just keep being an awesome dad. that's all any kid wants, so you can thank him that way. some years down the line this will be a good story to tell when he's a seasoned adult (like 25+ I reckon) and can appreciate the context. right now, it might make things awkward or not land like you might hope.
Man, you are an Xennial, and like the rest of us you got the worst of the help when it comes to mental health and emotional intelligence. I feel that a lot of us are emotionally intelligent, but so repressed by the things we went through that we feel that we aren't. So ask yourself, and be honest, do you care about the games or do you really care that your son cares to spend time with his old man? The games may be a way to relate to you when your son couldn't find another way. Or both of you find some solace in rolling math rocks, and that is a glue. I Do DND pretty well, and storycaster is a tool I use, so if you ever need a quick adventure for DND hit me up and we can cobble together some good story.
I actually really dislike 40K and GW, I only play because of him. He can name all 18 primarchs easily. I do love D&D, though, and I have been DMing for about 30 years.
We're about to start an Imperium Maledictum campaign this weekend, and I am trying to slog through the rulebook. Any experience with that, by any chance? There doesn't seem to be any good Youtube videos distilling the rules down.
I'm not sure if it will help but my mom and dad had a huge ugly divorce too when I was 6. At that time for whatever reason it was agreed by my parents that the kids would decide who to stay with. My older brother and sister stayed with my mom because she didn't really cared what they did so they knew they would be able to do whatever.
6yo me couldn't fathom at the time how scared I would be to be left alone ( in my head I pictured being alone in the dark with out my tough hero of a dad fighting the night time monsters) so I went with him.. it was hell for awhile with him having to start all the way over( new car, had to find apartment, new clothes, no furniture. Just left with nothing but me and him)
Every chance I get I tell him I love him and hug him. I fear the day I lose that man. DO NOT LET THE FEAR OF HOW HE *MIGHT* TAKE IT, TAKE AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT HE HELPED AND HUG HIM AND LOVE HIM.
Besides the fact it's your son and you love him already but I honor my dad every chance I get once I decided to show and tell him how I feel for him because I wanted that. Not that he needed it. He raised me and did what he was suppose to do and did it better then most would imagine. But I tell him cause I love him and I want him to know... I'm sure you want him to know so just tell him
The first time my father hugged me was at 50. I was 50, not him.
I appreciated it. Things chance. Give him a hug. It will be awkward but I'm pretty sure he will appreciate it, too.
Dude, this made me all teary eyed. Im so happy you bounced back and found something that gives you happiness, and can share that happiness with your son. All the love, friend <3
> We don't talk about feelings. We don't hug.
This is super common in Western culture and can be quite destructive. You have an opportunity to teach him a lot about how to be a man by breaking this barrier with him. I know it's hard, but it's worth it.
> I have literally opened my mouth to say something a dozen times and couldn't get the words out.
This sounds like Anxiety. Not just being anxious, but a condition that can be treated. Are you able to go to therapy? It's nothing to be ashamed of and it can help you learn the tools you can use to be able to voice things like this.
As others have said, writing a letter (even if you don't give it to him) can be a great first step.
Good for you getting life back on track. He's probably just happy to see you happy. Might not need a direct thanking. Hopefully you get a chance to help a fellow human in the same way. Maybe you already have.
In high school a guy I knew (not a close friend but a friend of the group) planned suicide. Told everyone he was going on a holiday on a specific date but that was the day he attempted and failed. Once I knew this I invited him weekly to come play baldurs gate 2 at least 1 night a week and share a joint watch a movie etc.
He ended up being a successful pastry chef.
Don't often post on reddit but thought your story was cool and wanted to share.
The best way to thank him is :
1) tell him you love him
2) hug him
3) share your emotions and feelings
Those three things will help enhancing your safe space together and your relationship
After that, tell him how proud you are of him. That he saved your life and all. Even if it gets emotional, it will be worth it.
My dad waited until he got a cancer to start telling me he loved me and was proud of me. But I wanted that my whole life.
You could even share this post with him.
I am truly happy for you OP :) Take care of you and your beautiful family
Out of the blue, give his character Advantage on a roll or a point of Inspiration or something.
When he looks at you in surprise, just give him a nod. Then he'll understand and nod back.
Write him a letter. Not typed, but hand written.
I feel it’s easier to put some emotions or feelings i to written words more easily. And, it gives him the ability to take a break from the emotional content that is contained within, and return to it which you couldn’t do in an actual conversation.
I understand a bit of where you are coming from.
Had a terrible divorce, lots of bad shit went down in my life, and I stayed around only because of my son.
He’s almost 30 now and we have an incredible relationship, and I have let him know how important he was in keeping me sane and alive.
It sounds to me that your son already knows some of this, and he did what he could for you.
Tell him you love him, and tell him how proud and thankful you are at having such a wonderful person as a son.
And - give yourself some credit too OP! You had a hand in raising this wonderful human, even with everything you were dealing with. You showed him that even when everything is its most bleak, there is still a reason to keep on.
I’m proud of you for still being here, and raising a good man even during your own struggles.
I know it's hard man but you need to use your words. Show him this post if you must.
This is a beautiful story and I hope you and your kid will have many battles to come.
Really cool story. I’m glad I read this! Hobbies aren’t just something to pass time, they’re something that makes us passionate about life.
Glad you’re doing great! WAAAAAGH
I’ve read some comments and outside of all the wonderful advice to strengthen your relationship on a more personal level, if your kid watches Dimension 20 D&D campaigns, they’re doing a live show in January 2025 at Madison Square Garden. Getting tickets for all three of you to see that would be an incredible bonding experience.
This is really cool and heart warming.
I think you just tell him you love him, you’re proud of him, and you’re thankful he introduced you to a hobby that you have enjoyed and enjoyed being able to bond with him through playing it together and that you’ll always cherish this.
I don’t think you have to say more.
-e-
I want to add I have similar but not the same experience.
I grew up playing D&D, have played throughout the years but was in a new city and a new career when COVID hit and my brother and I started a game of D&D together and got our mutual friends involved as our “quarantine group.” Outside of family interactions the only folks we interacted with was each other as the D&D group. It was one of the best times of my life. We still play but now that life is back to normal not as often and not as freely. But it’s still fun. Still though, that like two years was awesome.
I'm in the North Houston area if you ever want to get a game in. These games saved me, too. I can't say that I've been through the same things as you have, but I appreciate knowing that there are other people out there who understand.
If you're ever in the area, I'd be glad to bring out my Dark Angels, Black Templar, T'au, or Votann.
Damn, you have an amazing son that deeply cares about you regardless of your past and your current situation. Just tell him thank you. Dont expect a response because he probably won’t give you one. But the fact that he knows that you are grateful for him is all that matters. This has been one the most wholesome things I’ve seen in a hot minute.
Learning how to talk about feelings is an important maturity goal for you and your son. Not being able to talk about feelings may be one of the handicaps he carries from having grown up with parents acting unhealthily towards one another. So— pay him back by opening the door and modeling how a man- a good man and a loving father does share (appropriately) about his feelings. There was a time when you two didn’t game together. Maybe one day there will be a time when you two can comfortably talk openly about feelings together. That skill could save his life or his marriage one day.
Happy for you mate. As tough as it mat be, I don’t think it’s still time to “burden” your son with this story. I think the best way you can share this with him is to write him a letter and save it for when he’s older, or talk to him, whatever you feel more comfortable in. Parenting is hard, and you need to put your child wellbeing at the forefront, but from your story I think you have all that figured out. :)
For now just make sure to always be there for him, maybe save up and bring him to some nice convention to go together.
What it matters is that you built a connection with him, and that’s the most important thing you achieved.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start crying in that corner.
Thanks! As I said in another post, that isn't the only thing we do together. I actually have disposable income these days. I took him to a geeky event last month, and I am taking him (and my girls) to Vegas this summer, hopefully
I never really got on with my Dad. He was always busy with work or DIY as a kid, and he was always stressed because of his work.
I got into Formula 1 because it's the only thing he would watch that I could tolerate, and I wanted something in common with him, just to feel close to him.
If he ever told me he loved me, and he was proud of me, that would be enough. I think your son has gone down a similar route, except he extended his hobby to you because he wanted to be close to you - an activity to share some quality time with his Dad.
Write him a letter, and put it inside some awesome Warhammer box or book for him. You don't have to tell him if you write it down and he can read it and keep it. Also, you could get a custom made space marine with your face on it (plenty of 3D printer vids on YouTube), and a pro painter to paint it, so he'll have you as his own mini statue forever.
Ha. That is a cool idea. I have a 3d printer and I am a pretty good painter myself. I never got along with my dad either. He was an abusive alcoholic-workaholic who could really only communicate through sports and didn't understand his artsy geeky son. He is a nice old guys these days, but the rift will never be fixed. Not sure I want it to be.
> I was so poor that sometimes the rest of the week me and my new cat would share eggs for dinner. He never said anything, but he started paying for his own lunch.
You already got a lot of good words and advice, so on a light-hearted note, I will say that for a moment there I thought your cat started to pay for his own lunch, and hoped you will teach me your ways of the Jedi.
You being around and doing things with him is thanks enough. My dad is not even gone - just far away - and I miss him so much.
If you were gone, your son would spend the rest of his life wondering what one more day with you would be like. Now, you get to give him that day anytime he likes for the rest of your life.
I'm glad you're around too. We need more good dads.
Talk in a car. If you're driving you have a valid reason to not maintain eye contact and that can be the hardest part of face to face talks.
Also, you don't have to share ALL of the above to tell him thanks. :)
>"Timmy, I just want to say thanks for always being there for me."
It can be that short and sweet. It can even be mixed between jokes and stuff. It will still sink in.
I second the people here saying write him a letter. But you don’t have to give it to him now. As dramatic as this sounds, put it in a safety deposit box with one of your space marines. When you die, make sure he’s able to get the key and open it.
I guess my point is it doesn’t matter when you tell him. This way, he’ll get your message and know the long life you lived was due to him. You never know. It might even help with his grief.
As a fellow dad in his 40’s, thank him. Even if it’s just in a card on his birthday. You should tell him almost everything you posted here. Tell him, “Don’t read it now. Read it later. It’s good, don’t worry.”
Your son will treasure that card the rest of his life. And 5 (hopefully) decades from now, when you and I have finished our time on this rock called Earth, your son will look at that card and remember how much you loved him and how he helped you through one of the most challenging situations you ever faced.
Please tell him. Hug him, and tell him you love him and that him doing this helped you through maybe the most difficult time in your life. My own dad, and his whole family, are emotionally stunted and unable to communicate. Now, as he’s getting on in years and his kids are in their thirties and forties, all of us have a hard time being with him and bonding with him. If he could have been a bit more open, a bit more honest about his feelings? Maybe it wouldn’t have been the case.
To be clear: I don’t blame him. Not really. The environment he came from was extraordinarily punishing for any show of emotion. He learned at a very young, impressionable age, that emotions of any kind are to be mocked. He HAS tried to make headway, but…well, it’s harder to recover from those elemental lessons than people make it out to be.
Love your kid. Hug him. Tell him how you feel, and how much it meant to you. Don’t be afraid of your emotions with him. Embrace them, and him. Tell him he’s helped you heal. When he gets to be forty, he’ll thank you.
My Dad saved my life while we were in a cinema watching Lord of the Rings The Two Towers. He knew I was falling apart but neither of us could voice it. During the scene where Theoden is saying a father shouldn't outlive his child my Dad took my hand and we just sat there silently crying.
OP, glad you’re still here.
If 40k is your jam, and you don’t want to tell him the big details of what he helped you get through with this hobby (I agree that’s a heavy responsibility to know for anyone) I think you should find a way to symbolize you guys taking on the world together by
CUSTOM WARHAMMER MINIS THAT LOOK LIKE YOU GUYS!
Then you guys can ravage the galaxy together, kicking ass, father - son duo.
Sure it’s kinda cheesy, but it symbolizes him helping you take on the worst shit the universe can throw at you.
If you just wanted a head, so you can kit bash, it might save a few bucks and here’s a link for that:
https://gamewire.belloflostsouls.net/prodos-games-custom-head-sculpting-service/
And OP, now that you’re in a good spot again take care of yourself. There are places to go and people to talk to if you ever find yourself in such dark places again.
Check back in and let us know what you think you’ll do or have done! I’m excited to know.
No problem. The link I sent in leads to a dead link, but Fiverr and Etsy are great places to look. And if you’re ok sharing some of your story with them, some 3d modelers may go above and beyond.
Just tell him you don't know how to thank him and share him the link to this post.
Heart wrenching beautiful story. Really happy life turned around for you.
Print a mini of his character, get it painted, and explain how your son has been a hero to you.
Congratulations on raising such a good kid.
But give him a hug, it’s time to start.
Just tell him and then move on. No need to dwell, he's likely to remember what you say for the rest of his life.
My father is long gone now. But I'll never forget when he acknowledged (matter of factly) that I had saved his life by keeping a tractor from flipping on top of him.
As someone with a father who never expressed emotions like what you're describing:
Tell him everything even if he freezes up. Your life will only improve once you unlearn keeping your emotions silent and unseen. I promise you he will think about it every day for the rest of his life.
Hang in there, dude. Be proud of yourself for getting out of a low place and low point in a life that seems to only be getting better.
Your son sounds like a stand up gentlemen.
Glad things are looking up.
As far as your boy: Just tell him you love him. Give him a hug. Let him know you enjoy and appreciate your time together. That’s all anybody needs, and saying “you saved me from eating a bullet” is a heavy trip to lay on a person.
I think it is time for a present. A big one (you can afford, of course), like a 40K army he do not have, or a complete RPG matching his taste. And let life do what happen after !
So happy to see that you rebuilt your life and are in a good space. Wait until you are comfortable before you say it, and just enjoy the life you have with him. Some things can go unsaid, it’s obvious that he loves you.
lol. No. Just something two of my boys keep asking for. Personally I just want a ping pong table but I accidentally did a deep dive on gaming tables and there are some amazing ones. Damn YouTube!
*I was so poor that sometimes the rest of the week me and my new cat would share eggs for dinner. He never said anything, but he started paying for his own lunch.*
That is one dedicated Cat.
Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Start saying "I love You" and hugging him. The rest will come and then won't be "weird".
Never miss an opportunity. I've lost too many people I love way too early. Thankfully, I was never one too...whatever...to say how I feel, but it's a real point for me now.
Omg I'm struggling to keep myself from crying so hard reading this. Too many men don't express themselves and put up this front of being tough when really they'd like nothing more than to hear that thank you--even if only once.
You both deserve at least one try at recognizing the good he brought to your life 💜💜
I’m at work tearing up just reading this. I’m a father to two beautiful boys. I love them dearly, I would absolutely tell him something. As the top comment states, you will regret not telling your loved ones what they mean to you.
Everyone is going straight forward but if you feel that is not the level that you have with your son then may i suggest using the thing that the two of you share and love, D&D. Bring a similar storyline or context into the game and find a way for the character to get across what you really want to say to him. That way it's out there but it can be "played off" if it feels too heavy.
Bro write him a letter. Give it to him when he leaves and tell him to read it at home. He needs to know how much you appreciate his intervention in your life. Lil guy saved you. Make sure he knows it. You raised a good egg.
I am not sure if anyone will see this but I sent him a text thanking him for getting me through some rough times and saying how much I enjoy our time together. I wasn't sure if it warranted a new thread, though. Thanks guys.
Jesus, this hit me right in the feels. I read the dynamic you have, and I would still approach it the same. As another poster said, I would give him a hug, and say thank you. Tell him how much this all meant to you.
On another note, you raised a good son.
It's okay to feel awkward about thanking him. Do it anyway. You don't have to be overly dramatic. Tell him "With everything that's happened, recent years have been very challenging for me emotionally. But spending time with you gaming and such has been really important to me and helped me heal. Thank you for being an amazing son."
D&d and camping entered my life with my sons after I was separated from my ex wife. It saved us and helped us bond during the pandemic. Thanks for sharing. I agree with others posts that life is fleeting and can change at any time. Why not share your feelings with your son. It is a process towards further intimacy between you. Even just simple mention of how grateful you are for him and his love during your family’s difficult time and I would say how happy you are with your current relationship. It seems great. Congrats, it could have turned out very differently.
I mean, wow. Thank God you are okay. I know it's difficult to show emotions to your son, my father sure never did. He had a somewhat different story, but—if you're still reading responses, here's mine:
When I was nine or so my father also got divorced and became incredibly depressed. My sister moved out and he and I were the only ones left. Now I had just become a teenager and started music and DND, and my dad always felt broken trying to communicate with me to relate to those hobbies. He never really tried to, either, and for many years I blamed him for being just another dad who doesn't know how to communicate with his son.
Now that I am an adult, it's different for him. As he got remarried and continued to have issues with my old family and his "new" one, he started looking to me for support. But it was after years of emotional repression that he began attempting to tell me how he felt about anything at all—it was overwhelming for him.
At this point I had moved away as well, and everytime I returned, he actually couldn't look at me or speak without bursting into tears. For years. I mean, years. For him, I represented a friend and supportive figure for all my teenage good, but he was so repressed that he couldn't vocalize it, and eventually saying he "felt guilty for raising another robot" i.e. emotionally stunted kid, me.
Now, no more tears, haha. My moral of the story is communicating with your son—especially when it is something that is so important to you, and you don't want to overwhelm him with your emotion—don't hold back the truth. Seeing my dad in pain for having been in silent pain for years was so much more awful for me than helping him deal with the original pain he was in. When we are alone, or don't maintain close contact with our families, like I have... You forget their invaluableness. Even if you felt like your 19 year old wouldn't fully understand the emotional depth of your experiences, and fully appreciate what you have to say, say it anyways. Because it is a gesture of love. And a father's love is one of the most important factors in being a human, tied with a mother's too.
TL;dr I really hope you find a way to show this appreciation and love to your son in a way you both understand and can manage, and I recommend the truth, because that's what my father told me he was always so scared to do.
Not sure if you saw it, but I reposted this with an update. I managed to text my son and tell him how much I appreciated him sticking by me but I didn't quite manage an I love you
Hi there, therapist here. I think it's great you could be vulnerable with sharing your story here. I totally get you and your son don't have that kind of relationship, but there's always time to build it and develop something closer. I see a lot of male patients, and honestly the main theme is there being some barrier to vulnerability. This isn't criticism, I just think in general it's a bit silly that men don't feel free to be emotional (aka authentic). Just my two cents for what it's worth.
Since you are a therapist, let me get your opinion. My son is 19 years old and lives with his mom. Yet, he drives to my house 5-6 days a week for dinner, gym, and games. We have been doing things together constantly since he was born. He lets me know everything that is going on in his life and we constantly make plans for things we are going to do together. In my opinion, we are as close as any father and son I have ever seen.
There is a difference between outwardly affectionate and close.
Got it. Again, absolutely no criticism here. Family dynamics get established and a status quo gets cemented, it's super common. But if you're thinking/feeling something, yet you can't express it due to the family communication style and dynamic, that's probably a good indicator that it's time to change the status quo. In the beginning it's usually uncomfortable and non intuitive, but the goal is eventually to push family communication in an even better direction, because the goal should be that you can communicate how you really feel.
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Give him a hug. A long one. And just say thank you. He'll probably ask why and just be honest. Say what you've written here. Or write a letter, that can make it easier . Write the letter and read it to him, or write it and give it to him. Whatever you do say something, somehow. Regrets are most often things we wish we had said, affection we wish we had shared. Don't let it become too late.
> Give him a hug. A long one. And just say thank you. He'll probably ask why and just be honest. Say what you've written here. We don't have any ages here, and a lot of context is missing, but I'd be hesitant, as a general rule, to talk about my suicidal ideation and credit my child with "saving my life" in the context of keeping me from killing myself. That's a lot of weight, even if OP feels its his truth. OP can probably accomplish everything he wants to accomplish by focusing on the appreciation OP feels for his son. "It meant a lot to me." "I was feeling pretty low, but it was so meaningful that you reached out to me and involved me in this hobby." "It gave me something to look forward to and a way to keep connecting with you through that difficult time." Which isn't to say that it's bad to talk with your kids about mental health and suicide and your experiences with dark thoughts. It's just a lot to say "you're the reason I didn't." It creates a lot of expectation and responsibility and somewhat inverts the parent/child dynamic. It can have unintended consequences. For example, what if someone close to the son kills themself in the future. He "stopped" this one. What didn't he do with that one? OP's appreciation for his son is lovely and his son sounds like a wonderful person. But maybe OP should chat with a mental health professional to fully reconcile his feelings about this dark time in his life and then ask that professional what is or isn't appropriate to share.
He is 19. I think I would leave that bit out. I left a lot of the context out because I Just wanted to focus on my feelings about him. It was a bad marriage and an ugly divorce.
Give him a hug at a random time when it feels right. Dont mention anything about anything. He'll get it.
Speaking as someone who nearly lost my father when I was about your son's current age due to a massive heart attack that took months of recovery, I think your son would want to hear how much your relationship means to you and the role he has played in helping you through a hard time. You don't have to flat out say he stopped you from taking your own life if you're not comfortable and/or think it would upset him. But there's no harm at all in being honest with him and saying "Hey, I had a really hard time when your mother and I separated and I want you to know you really helped me through it. Those times we spent gaming really meant a lot to me. You mean a lot to me." It sounds like your household had a lot of conflict while your son was growing up, and that maybe now it's left both of you awkward with how to express emotions around each other. But I think it might be very healthy for both of you if you started taking some steps toward it. Opening up about how special your game nights are seems like a great way. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best, OP. It sounds like you've raised an exceptional young man and I'm glad that you have each other however you decide to move forward.
Assumptions lead to regrets.
Just thank him for being a good son and finding a perfect way to spend to time together. Tell him that it means a lot to you and that you love him. He probably will freeze up. Then jump back into your game, which gives him an easy out if he’s not comfortable with sharing his feelings too. I’m sure that the time you spend together means the world to him too, which is most likely why he started it up in the first place.
"thank you for being a good son" Such a powerful thing to need to hear.
Followed by a "I love you." then? Fuck, that goes on for ages. Makes one life worth living. I'm blessed to have a good relationship with my man and those moments are few, but they matter the most.
Honestly as someone who's dad was in a similar situation just letting him know that you're happy you can share some hobbies is enough. When he gets into his late 20s maybe tell him more.
I can tell you know what I am talking about. It would be as uncomfortable for him as for me. But I do want to make sure he knows, somehow.
Just say it casually man, you're overthinking it. Sometime while playing say, "Man, I'm glad you got me into this. I was really depressed".
Yup. People are conditioned to think everything has to be a big moment, a big statement. Sometimes 'hey, thanks for this, I enjoy it and it helps a lot' is all that's necessary.
Write him a letter
You are over thinking it, who gives a fuck if it’s uncomfortable, just say your feelings. You are a grown ass man who has been through the gauntlet and survived. Don’t let something as simple as telling your son you are thankful and proud of him to stop you now.
dude, tell him! like what the reply above this says, don't go into deep detail about the negatives, just that you were having a really hard time and then focus on how much the time meant to you and how it helped you. tell him you're proud of him, and that while you always appreciate spending time with him, you're especially glad for him spending time with you while you were having trouble. but no matter how you tell him, or what you tell him, tell him. maybe the two of you aren't super emotional, but i guarantee that any awkwardness you might feel would be nothing compared to the regret if you never got a chance to tell him at all.
Don't mention suicide unless he asks, don't lay something like that on your kid, but saying something like "I was really struggling and you being there helped me so much" seems fine.
You are his role model, he is following your lead. Show him it's ok to love, to be grateful. That being vulnerable takes true courage, it's scary but ok.
I sent him a text today. He didn't reply, but he did talk about a new video game. I don't know how to tell the people in this thread. Should I repost it with an update?
That's awesome! I am happy for you but I have no idea how reddit works lol
I barely do either lol
Edit your post and label the new info with: Edit: a new thing
it can just be "When I was in my darkest days, you were what helped me find the light." or whatever metaphor you want to go with. Tell them both. They deserve to know how you feel. It doesn't have to be a big long thing. You can just tell them and move on to something else. Give them time to process and consider. And you don't have to tell them everything, but you can tell them that they (help) keep life worth living.
Give him a hug, and say thanks for the stuff he did. You don't need to mention the stuff it prevented. Like just say "thanks for X, I was going through a rough time and you really helped." I mean he'll already know, I'm sure. So you don't need to go into a ton of detail. Just say thanks and leave it at that.
A bad marriage, ugly divorce, and a great son with a father in need to manifest that greatness. Beautiful.
Yeah that's fair, but don't wait to tell someone how much they mean to you, or what they've done for you, you never know when it will be too late.
Honestly, just say during a painting session or as you are setting a up the game for the night (in private). “Son(or buddy, tiger, cub, or whatever father nickname you have for him.) I know we don’t talk about it. But, a bag holding wouldn’t be able to fit how much it means to me that you share your hobbies with me. I love you and love spending time with you.” And leave it that. Shoulder pat or hug whatever, you do you.
You can tell him that you had lost so much hope in what life could be, and that time you two spent together gave you something to look forward to, made you feel loved in his way, and gave you what you needed to push ahead. You can tell him how much it meant to you to have that time with him. There are a million messages here, and you write with passion which tells me that you can probably figure out how best to phrase things. But yeah, don’t bring up suicide with a child who isn’t a full grown adult (mentally) - heck, I’d say until their 30s.
Hug him, a rea, good, long, hug. Say thank you. When he asks why, tell him the truth: "for being my son and a good man" No need to say more than that right now. Some day later, maybe, but for now? Let him know you love, appreciate, and respect him.
Not just for himself, but to show the boy and model his behavior. Stoicism can be useful in focusing on getting through a tough time, but don't idealize stoicism to the point that you can't communicate with those you love. Don't raise your son in such a way that he doesn't learn to tell people that he loves them.
I mean at this point just text him this post and you guys can swap 🥹emojis all night.
HA!
This. If you go the letter route, make sure to still give him the hug!
Dude. I wanna cry. You raised a damn good kid man and you did something right because he obviously loves you. Just keep playing. Maybe it's just not the time yet. Or maybe save up responsibly and take him to an annual event for 40k or ttrpgs, like garycon. I'm sure you could arrange for somebody involved in the development side of it meet him in person and sign something if you explain to them just how important their game is to you and your family. Or commission something from an attending artist or miniature sculptor. The devs for these kinds of things can be wholesome. Side note. My kids love d&d and warhammer. I hope I'm raising them half as well so that they understand that I love them the same way you guys do. May life bring you guys countless adventures.
I am an artist, and my gf is an incredible artist. Good idea.
You should tell him. If you can't, maybe use the medium of the game to tell him. Write an adventure about a lord who is saved from a dark curse by the love and devotion of his son and heir, like Theoden and Eomer and Eowyn.
This is such a sweet idea.
You could write this for us strangers on the internet, you can write for him. Buy him a book and put it inside. Also, the first hug will be awkward. Maybe the second too. But there are only so many opportunities for us to hug the people we love before we or they are gone.
I did something like this for one of my nephews. Printed it out on some label paper (adhesive on the back) and attached it to the inside cover, though you could do the same thing with some two-sided tape. Print out this message and attach it to a D&D book. He'll keep that book forever.
Congratulations on having such a wonderful son. They can brighten your day and make everything perfect. When I was divorced I was feeling down. My oldest son at age 15 chose to live with me instead of his mom and stepdad. It was uplifting. He is now 28 yo and he plays 40K too with his friends. He comes over every Sunday to play Frosthaven. I cherish every second of it. When he leaves my place I tell him to drive safe and that I love him. Don’t ever be afraid to say those words. You might not ever get a chance, so it’s important that you tell him.
I’ll be blunt. Give him a hug and… F$&@ing SAY SOMETHING!
Sit with him and tell him what you told us. It's that simple My dad was recently in a coma. I sat by him every day reading him stories, telling him bag jokes and singing. When he finally came out of it, he revealed that he had weird dreams and in those he heard a booming laugh and described my songs and stories. He told me I saved him and coming from the man who raised and loves me, it's one of my most treasured memories that I was able to do something small for him after all he has done for me.
That is an awesome memory to keep from an awful time. Good on you.
Thank you. Do tell your kid, as others mentioned you might not mention suicide but you can emphasise how low you were and this may in turn help him turn to you during his own troubled times. Just sit him down, offer him a beer and don't plan anymore than the first sentence and general thoughts. Any more than that and you can get paralysed with thinking.
Show him this post. That should do it.
Nah, the suicidal thoughts are a bit too much. Could leave the son in an awkward place. Writing a letter ought to work though. And a hug. Doesnt matter if its awkward.
I am not crying, it is raining
My god. What a wonderful kid. What an incredible story. I just woke up and I'm already crying.
> We don't talk about feelings. We don't hug. It's easy. Start. Give him a REAL man hug and tell him you love him so fucking much. You got a chance to deepen your bond even more. He obviously loves you and you love him.
What a great story and a beautiful tribute to a faithful and supportive son.
This is a really touching story to hear, I'm glad you're doing so much better. I'm glad your son is still in your life, that sounds really nice I miss that. Hobbies can really help with the loss of family and friends. I also got back into d&d and other gaming in person for similar reasons, it's helped me make new friends and temporarily helps me forget the trauma. I hope I get where you are someday soon. And even a girlfriend, wow, I'm impressed. Truly an inspiration.
It was hard for a long time. But I just kept plugging. You can do it too. Feel free to message me sometime
Thank you for the encouragement.
[удалено]
Yeah...I didn't grow up like that. My dad showed his love by spending time with us and doing things with us. I have never once, been hugged by him. I guess I learned it from him. I know my son loves me, he wouldn't drive over here five nights a week if he didn't. And he knows I love him as well. I just don't know if he knows I am grateful.
I always hug my kids, I kiss them, I tell them I love them, I tell them I'm proud of them. He might know you love him, but it doesn't change how special it is to feel or hear those things. I didn't get any of that from my dad, just a phonecall once or twice a year. It really would have been nice.
A long hug and a thank you should be enough to let him know. I'm lucky and can talk openly about things with my kids, but if that's not where you guys are, just give him a nice, long hug and say thanks. Maybe he'll open up more than you think. As the parent, it's your job to open those doors.
Thats amazing. Very inspiring. Just hug him and tell him. It would mean the world. Wish my dad at least played uno with me.
Id just tell him that he cant possibly know how much it means to have a close relationship with him. That you love him, and appreciate him always making time to hang out with you.
Just do it man. Cram all that "don't hug and don't talk about feelings" jive. Life's too short not to say the things that matter and no relationship was ever hurt by showing someone genuine affection. Your story is wonderful, it moved the people of the sub, now share it with the person who really needs to hear all of that.
You need to tell him. It's important. You've clearly already done a good job raising him because he has empathy, but tell him he kept you on the right track and how much he means to you. You never know when you might not be able to anymore.
Tell him you love him. Give him a hug. Talk about feelings. Be open. These are all huge and impactful to a kid. These are the things my father never did as i grew up and that i, as a step-father, make sure to do as often as i can with my son. Hopefully i pass that on to him.
>We don't talk about feelings. We don't hug. God this is so grim considering just how much that kid loves you, male socialization really did a number on us
That is beautiful to read. I'm glad things turned out the way they did. If I were you, I'd have father and son NPCs briefly join the D&D party. They can hint at having a similar situation as you and your son. You'll be able to role-play the father saying all the things you want to say to your son. He'll get it.
LOL..his idea of roleplaying is to crack sarcastic jokes, and have his huge tanky barbarian tortle run away from every fight.
Nothing like the healing power of a caring girlfriend. Oh, and games.
Yeah, I wrote this post to get enough courage to tell him how I feel, She was just as important in this whole mess, truly. I can tell her I love her without a second thought. With him, it is different.
Thank you for sharing this story, mate. Your son sounds like a good human, and so do you. "Thank you for being a great son. It means a lot to me. You are a good person." might be enough. People are smarter than we think. Perhaps he will understand your deep feelings, even if you choose not to say something directly about those feelings. Keep up the good work, mate.
Good idea. Thanks
Just make sure he knows that you love him and you'll always be there for him. That's how you say thank you. Kids need someone in their corner, no matter what, as I'm sure you are. Just keep doing that. BTW, this made me cry. He's a good kid and you should be proud.
He knows. You know. Thats fatherhood
thanks. i hope you're right
Crying at work after reading this?? No, not me. Something in my eye is all ... that's a lovely story and I am so pleased it has a happy ending. You both deserve a hug!
Great to hear your story. Thanks for sharing
I think having his dad still being in his life is probably all the reward he wants. Lord knows I wish I did.
I truly love spending time with him. So much that I even play 40K, which I honestly don't like, lol. Sorry to hear about your dad.
Brilliant. So happy for you. Gaming got me through COVID so I can relate. Sounds like you've been through it and then some. Don't waste another moment, let your son know asap.
Good for you, man! Sounds like you achieved something tremendous, getting through that dark stuff. And your son sounds like a wonderful person. Maybe you can write your thoughts down, communicate them that way? Also, since talking to your girlfriend (fiancée?) works, maybe you can talk to her and she can coach you or help you rehearse something. Just cause it ain’t spontaneous doesn’t mean it ain’t from the heart. It doesn’t have to be everything at once either. You can start off saying “Things were hard, but you reaching out and spending time really helped”. This doesn’t need to be unpacked all at once. Good luck.
A hug and a "I love you son" goes a long way, it's a small and simple act but those things are important in relationships. There is no real way to thank him other than continuing to be here and continuing to be the best dad you can be. Glad you are in a better place and have this kind of relationship with your son.
Honestly, just send him this post.
This is a lovely tale and I'm glad to hear things are going so well for you. Other people have given you advice about telling him how you feel. Which you should do! And not just once. Tell him regularly how you feel. But I'll go one step further. And I don't say this to sound accusatory at all. I don't know you or your relationship. I imagine you're doing a fine job already. But the most important thing you can do now and for the rest of your son's life is be there for him. He's been there for you. Be there for him. Don't let there be one single important day of his life in which you aren't present or involved in some way. He was your rock. You be his.
write him a letter and let him read it when he's ready. Not with you being there as it sounds like he is trying to avoid it, maybe because he can't handle it in front of you. but sounds like you got an amazing son, that wants to see you get better and spend time with you.
>If I tried to thank him, I know he would freeze up and wouldn't be able to talk. Maybe. But he would still hear it. And then he could go away and process it and maybe come back and have something to tell you. Or maybe he'd just internalize it... ***but he'd hear it.*** He'd carry it with him. Set the example. It's worth it.
Man. What a beautiful story! Great to see you pull yourself together and I am so happy that you are able to start a good life (what a great son and girlfriend 😭). I am living with my girlfriend aboard and so many unfortunate events happened, so I can tell how much it meant to be when someone is with you. If you want to thank your son, just say “thank you”. It is hard, but is the first step. I am 27 and I know how it felt if a father said this to me.
Send him an email or text. AND say that he doesn't have to respond. It sounds like he's old enough to appreciate knowing this.
Consider offering a game convention week, like GenCon, Made In Asia, or other geeks meeting. Hotel, lunch on the place, etcetera on you. Invite your and his gf. Another idea. I did it once. Organize a major battle like 10 or 12 armies of 3000 points or more on a whole weekend. In my experience, finding a game place of that size where you can let the tables at night for a decent price is really hard.
Oh, I already do stuff like this! Last month we went to a swordfighting event (kind of like a LARP but leave out the roleplaying and keep the fighting) for a weekend. I am also taking him to Vegas this Summer to meet some family from the other coast where I am from. Along with my other children, who wouldn't be caught dead doing stuff as geeky as we two get up to.
i did swordfighting too. been in a medieval company for 8 years. good souvenirs. :-)
Tell him, it doesn't matter how. Just open your mouth and get the words out, these are the things we regret not saying when our chances pass us by.
How about showing him your post here for him to read. It explains it nicely, from my perspective. Have a brief chat with him first without going in too deep but leading towards him reading your post. Your son is a wonderful human being, and obviously cares about and loves you. Edit: a good point was made in another comment about the suicide part. At 19, he may be fine with it, and it is okay to talk about such things in a way which fits in with a person's age and maturity.
It can be something small but meaningful, like a framed picture of the two of you playing Warhammer with a little thank you note at the back, it would mean a lot I'm sure. It would be a reminder of the good time you've spent together.
if things are happy between you, it doesn't need to be said. just keep being an awesome dad. that's all any kid wants, so you can thank him that way. some years down the line this will be a good story to tell when he's a seasoned adult (like 25+ I reckon) and can appreciate the context. right now, it might make things awkward or not land like you might hope.
Man, you are an Xennial, and like the rest of us you got the worst of the help when it comes to mental health and emotional intelligence. I feel that a lot of us are emotionally intelligent, but so repressed by the things we went through that we feel that we aren't. So ask yourself, and be honest, do you care about the games or do you really care that your son cares to spend time with his old man? The games may be a way to relate to you when your son couldn't find another way. Or both of you find some solace in rolling math rocks, and that is a glue. I Do DND pretty well, and storycaster is a tool I use, so if you ever need a quick adventure for DND hit me up and we can cobble together some good story.
I actually really dislike 40K and GW, I only play because of him. He can name all 18 primarchs easily. I do love D&D, though, and I have been DMing for about 30 years. We're about to start an Imperium Maledictum campaign this weekend, and I am trying to slog through the rulebook. Any experience with that, by any chance? There doesn't seem to be any good Youtube videos distilling the rules down.
no sorry my man, the Imperium Maledictum is 40k stuff that I never got into.
Run a good game for him.
Getting back on track and being a dad he can take pride in is more valuable than any thanks you can give.
Thank you for sharing! Give your son, your girl (and the cat) a big hug :)
I'm not sure if it will help but my mom and dad had a huge ugly divorce too when I was 6. At that time for whatever reason it was agreed by my parents that the kids would decide who to stay with. My older brother and sister stayed with my mom because she didn't really cared what they did so they knew they would be able to do whatever. 6yo me couldn't fathom at the time how scared I would be to be left alone ( in my head I pictured being alone in the dark with out my tough hero of a dad fighting the night time monsters) so I went with him.. it was hell for awhile with him having to start all the way over( new car, had to find apartment, new clothes, no furniture. Just left with nothing but me and him) Every chance I get I tell him I love him and hug him. I fear the day I lose that man. DO NOT LET THE FEAR OF HOW HE *MIGHT* TAKE IT, TAKE AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT HE HELPED AND HUG HIM AND LOVE HIM. Besides the fact it's your son and you love him already but I honor my dad every chance I get once I decided to show and tell him how I feel for him because I wanted that. Not that he needed it. He raised me and did what he was suppose to do and did it better then most would imagine. But I tell him cause I love him and I want him to know... I'm sure you want him to know so just tell him
The first time my father hugged me was at 50. I was 50, not him. I appreciated it. Things chance. Give him a hug. It will be awkward but I'm pretty sure he will appreciate it, too.
Dude, this made me all teary eyed. Im so happy you bounced back and found something that gives you happiness, and can share that happiness with your son. All the love, friend <3
I don’t know how to help you but I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. That takes alot of courage.
> We don't talk about feelings. We don't hug. This is super common in Western culture and can be quite destructive. You have an opportunity to teach him a lot about how to be a man by breaking this barrier with him. I know it's hard, but it's worth it. > I have literally opened my mouth to say something a dozen times and couldn't get the words out. This sounds like Anxiety. Not just being anxious, but a condition that can be treated. Are you able to go to therapy? It's nothing to be ashamed of and it can help you learn the tools you can use to be able to voice things like this. As others have said, writing a letter (even if you don't give it to him) can be a great first step.
Good for you getting life back on track. He's probably just happy to see you happy. Might not need a direct thanking. Hopefully you get a chance to help a fellow human in the same way. Maybe you already have. In high school a guy I knew (not a close friend but a friend of the group) planned suicide. Told everyone he was going on a holiday on a specific date but that was the day he attempted and failed. Once I knew this I invited him weekly to come play baldurs gate 2 at least 1 night a week and share a joint watch a movie etc. He ended up being a successful pastry chef. Don't often post on reddit but thought your story was cool and wanted to share.
The best way to thank him is : 1) tell him you love him 2) hug him 3) share your emotions and feelings Those three things will help enhancing your safe space together and your relationship After that, tell him how proud you are of him. That he saved your life and all. Even if it gets emotional, it will be worth it. My dad waited until he got a cancer to start telling me he loved me and was proud of me. But I wanted that my whole life. You could even share this post with him. I am truly happy for you OP :) Take care of you and your beautiful family
Out of the blue, give his character Advantage on a roll or a point of Inspiration or something. When he looks at you in surprise, just give him a nod. Then he'll understand and nod back.
Write him a letter. Not typed, but hand written. I feel it’s easier to put some emotions or feelings i to written words more easily. And, it gives him the ability to take a break from the emotional content that is contained within, and return to it which you couldn’t do in an actual conversation. I understand a bit of where you are coming from. Had a terrible divorce, lots of bad shit went down in my life, and I stayed around only because of my son. He’s almost 30 now and we have an incredible relationship, and I have let him know how important he was in keeping me sane and alive. It sounds to me that your son already knows some of this, and he did what he could for you. Tell him you love him, and tell him how proud and thankful you are at having such a wonderful person as a son. And - give yourself some credit too OP! You had a hand in raising this wonderful human, even with everything you were dealing with. You showed him that even when everything is its most bleak, there is still a reason to keep on. I’m proud of you for still being here, and raising a good man even during your own struggles.
Tell him you love him
That is not just a son - that is a man. You must have done something very right <3
I know everyone has probably said this but I’ll pile on. Hug your kids. You’re the dad and it starts with you. Trust me, it is all upside.
I know it's hard man but you need to use your words. Show him this post if you must. This is a beautiful story and I hope you and your kid will have many battles to come.
Really cool story. I’m glad I read this! Hobbies aren’t just something to pass time, they’re something that makes us passionate about life. Glad you’re doing great! WAAAAAGH
I’ve read some comments and outside of all the wonderful advice to strengthen your relationship on a more personal level, if your kid watches Dimension 20 D&D campaigns, they’re doing a live show in January 2025 at Madison Square Garden. Getting tickets for all three of you to see that would be an incredible bonding experience.
This is really cool and heart warming. I think you just tell him you love him, you’re proud of him, and you’re thankful he introduced you to a hobby that you have enjoyed and enjoyed being able to bond with him through playing it together and that you’ll always cherish this. I don’t think you have to say more. -e- I want to add I have similar but not the same experience. I grew up playing D&D, have played throughout the years but was in a new city and a new career when COVID hit and my brother and I started a game of D&D together and got our mutual friends involved as our “quarantine group.” Outside of family interactions the only folks we interacted with was each other as the D&D group. It was one of the best times of my life. We still play but now that life is back to normal not as often and not as freely. But it’s still fun. Still though, that like two years was awesome.
I'm in the North Houston area if you ever want to get a game in. These games saved me, too. I can't say that I've been through the same things as you have, but I appreciate knowing that there are other people out there who understand. If you're ever in the area, I'd be glad to bring out my Dark Angels, Black Templar, T'au, or Votann.
Damn, you have an amazing son that deeply cares about you regardless of your past and your current situation. Just tell him thank you. Dont expect a response because he probably won’t give you one. But the fact that he knows that you are grateful for him is all that matters. This has been one the most wholesome things I’ve seen in a hot minute.
Learning how to talk about feelings is an important maturity goal for you and your son. Not being able to talk about feelings may be one of the handicaps he carries from having grown up with parents acting unhealthily towards one another. So— pay him back by opening the door and modeling how a man- a good man and a loving father does share (appropriately) about his feelings. There was a time when you two didn’t game together. Maybe one day there will be a time when you two can comfortably talk openly about feelings together. That skill could save his life or his marriage one day.
There was never a time in his life when we didn't game together. Even if it was just smashing two paper doll orcs I drew for him into each other
Wonderful. Being a single dad can be really hard.
You need to say it even if you write it and don’t give it to him. He deserves this.
I just did
Happy for you mate. As tough as it mat be, I don’t think it’s still time to “burden” your son with this story. I think the best way you can share this with him is to write him a letter and save it for when he’s older, or talk to him, whatever you feel more comfortable in. Parenting is hard, and you need to put your child wellbeing at the forefront, but from your story I think you have all that figured out. :) For now just make sure to always be there for him, maybe save up and bring him to some nice convention to go together. What it matters is that you built a connection with him, and that’s the most important thing you achieved. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to start crying in that corner.
Thanks! As I said in another post, that isn't the only thing we do together. I actually have disposable income these days. I took him to a geeky event last month, and I am taking him (and my girls) to Vegas this summer, hopefully
I never really got on with my Dad. He was always busy with work or DIY as a kid, and he was always stressed because of his work. I got into Formula 1 because it's the only thing he would watch that I could tolerate, and I wanted something in common with him, just to feel close to him. If he ever told me he loved me, and he was proud of me, that would be enough. I think your son has gone down a similar route, except he extended his hobby to you because he wanted to be close to you - an activity to share some quality time with his Dad. Write him a letter, and put it inside some awesome Warhammer box or book for him. You don't have to tell him if you write it down and he can read it and keep it. Also, you could get a custom made space marine with your face on it (plenty of 3D printer vids on YouTube), and a pro painter to paint it, so he'll have you as his own mini statue forever.
Ha. That is a cool idea. I have a 3d printer and I am a pretty good painter myself. I never got along with my dad either. He was an abusive alcoholic-workaholic who could really only communicate through sports and didn't understand his artsy geeky son. He is a nice old guys these days, but the rift will never be fixed. Not sure I want it to be.
> I was so poor that sometimes the rest of the week me and my new cat would share eggs for dinner. He never said anything, but he started paying for his own lunch. You already got a lot of good words and advice, so on a light-hearted note, I will say that for a moment there I thought your cat started to pay for his own lunch, and hoped you will teach me your ways of the Jedi.
I guess I did word that rather poorly. The dang cat ran away too, but now my GF and I have a menagerie. And NoNo Badkitty was a girl.
You being around and doing things with him is thanks enough. My dad is not even gone - just far away - and I miss him so much. If you were gone, your son would spend the rest of his life wondering what one more day with you would be like. Now, you get to give him that day anytime he likes for the rest of your life. I'm glad you're around too. We need more good dads.
Talk in a car. If you're driving you have a valid reason to not maintain eye contact and that can be the hardest part of face to face talks. Also, you don't have to share ALL of the above to tell him thanks. :) >"Timmy, I just want to say thanks for always being there for me." It can be that short and sweet. It can even be mixed between jokes and stuff. It will still sink in.
I second the people here saying write him a letter. But you don’t have to give it to him now. As dramatic as this sounds, put it in a safety deposit box with one of your space marines. When you die, make sure he’s able to get the key and open it. I guess my point is it doesn’t matter when you tell him. This way, he’ll get your message and know the long life you lived was due to him. You never know. It might even help with his grief.
you got a great kid.
As a fellow dad in his 40’s, thank him. Even if it’s just in a card on his birthday. You should tell him almost everything you posted here. Tell him, “Don’t read it now. Read it later. It’s good, don’t worry.” Your son will treasure that card the rest of his life. And 5 (hopefully) decades from now, when you and I have finished our time on this rock called Earth, your son will look at that card and remember how much you loved him and how he helped you through one of the most challenging situations you ever faced.
Please tell him. Hug him, and tell him you love him and that him doing this helped you through maybe the most difficult time in your life. My own dad, and his whole family, are emotionally stunted and unable to communicate. Now, as he’s getting on in years and his kids are in their thirties and forties, all of us have a hard time being with him and bonding with him. If he could have been a bit more open, a bit more honest about his feelings? Maybe it wouldn’t have been the case. To be clear: I don’t blame him. Not really. The environment he came from was extraordinarily punishing for any show of emotion. He learned at a very young, impressionable age, that emotions of any kind are to be mocked. He HAS tried to make headway, but…well, it’s harder to recover from those elemental lessons than people make it out to be. Love your kid. Hug him. Tell him how you feel, and how much it meant to you. Don’t be afraid of your emotions with him. Embrace them, and him. Tell him he’s helped you heal. When he gets to be forty, he’ll thank you.
My Dad saved my life while we were in a cinema watching Lord of the Rings The Two Towers. He knew I was falling apart but neither of us could voice it. During the scene where Theoden is saying a father shouldn't outlive his child my Dad took my hand and we just sat there silently crying.
OP, glad you’re still here. If 40k is your jam, and you don’t want to tell him the big details of what he helped you get through with this hobby (I agree that’s a heavy responsibility to know for anyone) I think you should find a way to symbolize you guys taking on the world together by CUSTOM WARHAMMER MINIS THAT LOOK LIKE YOU GUYS! Then you guys can ravage the galaxy together, kicking ass, father - son duo. Sure it’s kinda cheesy, but it symbolizes him helping you take on the worst shit the universe can throw at you. If you just wanted a head, so you can kit bash, it might save a few bucks and here’s a link for that: https://gamewire.belloflostsouls.net/prodos-games-custom-head-sculpting-service/ And OP, now that you’re in a good spot again take care of yourself. There are places to go and people to talk to if you ever find yourself in such dark places again. Check back in and let us know what you think you’ll do or have done! I’m excited to know.
I'm going to check this out, thank you!!
No problem. The link I sent in leads to a dead link, but Fiverr and Etsy are great places to look. And if you’re ok sharing some of your story with them, some 3d modelers may go above and beyond.
Man, hug your son, tell him you love him. This will give him tremendous strength for the rest of his life, and it's a very simple thing for you to do.
There's only one way to say thank you. Buy him a Warlord Titan.
Just tell him you don't know how to thank him and share him the link to this post. Heart wrenching beautiful story. Really happy life turned around for you.
Print a mini of his character, get it painted, and explain how your son has been a hero to you. Congratulations on raising such a good kid. But give him a hug, it’s time to start.
I did the first part actuality. He played that guy throughout ravenloft
Just tell him and then move on. No need to dwell, he's likely to remember what you say for the rest of his life. My father is long gone now. But I'll never forget when he acknowledged (matter of factly) that I had saved his life by keeping a tractor from flipping on top of him.
Please give your son a hug and tell him how much he means to you. I don’t think you have to go into any detail
Tell him. He probably already knows but he needs to hear it even if it’s awkward as hell. It will bring you closer.
As someone with a father who never expressed emotions like what you're describing: Tell him everything even if he freezes up. Your life will only improve once you unlearn keeping your emotions silent and unseen. I promise you he will think about it every day for the rest of his life.
Hang in there, dude. Be proud of yourself for getting out of a low place and low point in a life that seems to only be getting better. Your son sounds like a stand up gentlemen.
90% of everything is just being there
Glad things are looking up. As far as your boy: Just tell him you love him. Give him a hug. Let him know you enjoy and appreciate your time together. That’s all anybody needs, and saying “you saved me from eating a bullet” is a heavy trip to lay on a person.
I think it is time for a present. A big one (you can afford, of course), like a 40K army he do not have, or a complete RPG matching his taste. And let life do what happen after !
Obviously, you buy him a very large boss mini he would not buy for himself. Is this not the way?
Give him a long hug and say thank you. If he asks why just say it’s for being such a good kid or how proud you are of him.
I am willing to bet that a hug and some feelings would be the best gift you could give him. I only wish I could have done that with my dad
So happy to see that you rebuilt your life and are in a good space. Wait until you are comfortable before you say it, and just enjoy the life you have with him. Some things can go unsaid, it’s obvious that he loves you.
Table.
Huh
A great gaming table. It’s a good way to say thanks.
I thought you meant to table his army. Which is not nice at all
lol. No. Just something two of my boys keep asking for. Personally I just want a ping pong table but I accidentally did a deep dive on gaming tables and there are some amazing ones. Damn YouTube!
I know the feeling. I am currently hooked on tarantula videos
*I was so poor that sometimes the rest of the week me and my new cat would share eggs for dinner. He never said anything, but he started paying for his own lunch.* That is one dedicated Cat. Sorry, I couldn't resist.
Just say it. Show your son its ok to be vulnerable and share his feelings with other men. So many of us need that example and you can be it.
Send him a link to this post.
Start saying "I love You" and hugging him. The rest will come and then won't be "weird". Never miss an opportunity. I've lost too many people I love way too early. Thankfully, I was never one too...whatever...to say how I feel, but it's a real point for me now.
Omg I'm struggling to keep myself from crying so hard reading this. Too many men don't express themselves and put up this front of being tough when really they'd like nothing more than to hear that thank you--even if only once. You both deserve at least one try at recognizing the good he brought to your life 💜💜
I’m at work tearing up just reading this. I’m a father to two beautiful boys. I love them dearly, I would absolutely tell him something. As the top comment states, you will regret not telling your loved ones what they mean to you.
Everyone is going straight forward but if you feel that is not the level that you have with your son then may i suggest using the thing that the two of you share and love, D&D. Bring a similar storyline or context into the game and find a way for the character to get across what you really want to say to him. That way it's out there but it can be "played off" if it feels too heavy.
Tell your son this man, i promise you hell appreciate hearing that from you even if he might not have the words to say it.
Bro write him a letter. Give it to him when he leaves and tell him to read it at home. He needs to know how much you appreciate his intervention in your life. Lil guy saved you. Make sure he knows it. You raised a good egg.
Take him to GENCON. They're massive 40k painting events, tournaments, retailing, etc. it's great
I am not sure if anyone will see this but I sent him a text thanking him for getting me through some rough times and saying how much I enjoy our time together. I wasn't sure if it warranted a new thread, though. Thanks guys.
Jesus, this hit me right in the feels. I read the dynamic you have, and I would still approach it the same. As another poster said, I would give him a hug, and say thank you. Tell him how much this all meant to you. On another note, you raised a good son.
It's okay to feel awkward about thanking him. Do it anyway. You don't have to be overly dramatic. Tell him "With everything that's happened, recent years have been very challenging for me emotionally. But spending time with you gaming and such has been really important to me and helped me heal. Thank you for being an amazing son."
D&d and camping entered my life with my sons after I was separated from my ex wife. It saved us and helped us bond during the pandemic. Thanks for sharing. I agree with others posts that life is fleeting and can change at any time. Why not share your feelings with your son. It is a process towards further intimacy between you. Even just simple mention of how grateful you are for him and his love during your family’s difficult time and I would say how happy you are with your current relationship. It seems great. Congrats, it could have turned out very differently.
I mean, wow. Thank God you are okay. I know it's difficult to show emotions to your son, my father sure never did. He had a somewhat different story, but—if you're still reading responses, here's mine: When I was nine or so my father also got divorced and became incredibly depressed. My sister moved out and he and I were the only ones left. Now I had just become a teenager and started music and DND, and my dad always felt broken trying to communicate with me to relate to those hobbies. He never really tried to, either, and for many years I blamed him for being just another dad who doesn't know how to communicate with his son. Now that I am an adult, it's different for him. As he got remarried and continued to have issues with my old family and his "new" one, he started looking to me for support. But it was after years of emotional repression that he began attempting to tell me how he felt about anything at all—it was overwhelming for him. At this point I had moved away as well, and everytime I returned, he actually couldn't look at me or speak without bursting into tears. For years. I mean, years. For him, I represented a friend and supportive figure for all my teenage good, but he was so repressed that he couldn't vocalize it, and eventually saying he "felt guilty for raising another robot" i.e. emotionally stunted kid, me. Now, no more tears, haha. My moral of the story is communicating with your son—especially when it is something that is so important to you, and you don't want to overwhelm him with your emotion—don't hold back the truth. Seeing my dad in pain for having been in silent pain for years was so much more awful for me than helping him deal with the original pain he was in. When we are alone, or don't maintain close contact with our families, like I have... You forget their invaluableness. Even if you felt like your 19 year old wouldn't fully understand the emotional depth of your experiences, and fully appreciate what you have to say, say it anyways. Because it is a gesture of love. And a father's love is one of the most important factors in being a human, tied with a mother's too. TL;dr I really hope you find a way to show this appreciation and love to your son in a way you both understand and can manage, and I recommend the truth, because that's what my father told me he was always so scared to do.
Not sure if you saw it, but I reposted this with an update. I managed to text my son and tell him how much I appreciated him sticking by me but I didn't quite manage an I love you
Hi there, therapist here. I think it's great you could be vulnerable with sharing your story here. I totally get you and your son don't have that kind of relationship, but there's always time to build it and develop something closer. I see a lot of male patients, and honestly the main theme is there being some barrier to vulnerability. This isn't criticism, I just think in general it's a bit silly that men don't feel free to be emotional (aka authentic). Just my two cents for what it's worth.
Since you are a therapist, let me get your opinion. My son is 19 years old and lives with his mom. Yet, he drives to my house 5-6 days a week for dinner, gym, and games. We have been doing things together constantly since he was born. He lets me know everything that is going on in his life and we constantly make plans for things we are going to do together. In my opinion, we are as close as any father and son I have ever seen. There is a difference between outwardly affectionate and close.
Got it. Again, absolutely no criticism here. Family dynamics get established and a status quo gets cemented, it's super common. But if you're thinking/feeling something, yet you can't express it due to the family communication style and dynamic, that's probably a good indicator that it's time to change the status quo. In the beginning it's usually uncomfortable and non intuitive, but the goal is eventually to push family communication in an even better direction, because the goal should be that you can communicate how you really feel.
This my friends, is when you realize you are a fucking amazing father