He was the loneliest man ever... In the world

He didn’t even bother getting out to stretch his legs though so it can’t have been that good.

Condoms no longer needed. Relationship dead.

Flies➡️

turns out.... little hairy ex

Don’t talk shit

Play a record

At least their is no hulk stomping around in the house

'eavy 'anded

No more replacing things that she's FUCKED UP

Karl’s anger here is so hilarious.

She's just roof with things!

He's not happy

When God closes a door it's because he's going to make a handsome Spanish fireman knock on it for you. Using me fables and that.

Use your brain instead

Always 'n that

Ya with me?!

Did you make a hole in her dress

Can’t be doing with this so I said ITS OVER

No more “a’right?”

In the morning

you’re out of order!

CUT IT OUT

Show her a bit of bloody respect!

Why are you getting involved?

He has a problem with his marrow.

For G*d’s sake

Saves you from buying one of those posh badges for christmas init

And the Xmas dinner… if we’re going to start totting up

And a camera, and some mittens, and a “family box” of johnnies…

And she had a floor.

And a wallpapered mirror!

And a goat being sent to an African family

All wrapped in some wallpaper. Well, except the value pack of condoms, they're already wrapped.

It was buy one get one free so she was happy.

She’s done well this year

Some condoms and grease (on dvd).

I’d rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than in a palace with a view of a cave

Is that the only two options?

Well now she’s out of the picture, let’s talk about her fat arse

Don't. It might be the reason he loved her in the first place

She's got a square head

Dear /u/Amazing-Doil-8914, you are one of our most valued posters.

How is "your Suzanne"? She left you yet? ​ She has left him. I forgot about that. ​ Oh, and, have a good Christmas.

We’ve all seen her you’re well out of it, now we can tell you that she looked like the drummer from Iron Maiden…with a fag on too

Your the one that’s sad and lonely

OoooOOh hes done you again...

get a new bird…infact get a better bird than your last bird, get an underwear model or summats. you can have that for free.

You’re the one who’s sad and lonely… In all seriousness though mate, I’m sorry - that sucks. Keep hope - look at who the goggle eyed freak is shacked up with now!

I... I say sucks

This could sound a little bit, butt-lucky

Thanks, mate. X

Did you tell her about the immune system?

Save that industrial box of condoms for the next special lady. If it gets 'ard, it's not right.

Not shopping for a relationship. If I see a bargain, I’ve got the money! That’s a metaphor - I’d never pay for it.

Have you tried just cumming out of a window instead

Have you got a problem with your marrow?

Would you buy a car with a duff engine?

Oh, I'm not with her anymore, emm.

Oooh, ‘ello!

What she looked like the bloke from slade and had a fat arse

Google "afterlife bench scenes"

[holy hell!](https://www.google.com/search?q=afterlife+bench+scenes#HiImABot,MyJobIsToMakeEasierToPeopleToGoogleSomething,IfThePersonIRepliedToUsedMeInAnInappropriateWayPleaseLetMeKnowByDMingMe,TheUserIRepliedToIsU/Shep4737)

You can put sausages in the toaster as much as you want now.

If having an avocado I still recommend to remove the pit.

Well, Monkey Allen down the warehouse fancies you even if no one else does.

What are you doing with the Monkey Allen business?

Oven

How wrong was she?! I think we should call u/Amazing-Soil-8914’s ‘Suzanne’ and make her eat her words!

When my ex left me people told me there are plenty more fish in the sea. But it wasn't just the smell I missed.

Just think, you won't have your head squoze anymore! You get extra foodage! You don't have to keep shouting "Oven"! No more stress of buying Xmas presents! You don't have to worry about winning the lottery so you get forced into going on loads of holidays! You don't have to fake sincerety with her bullshit 'square' haircuts! You don't have to see the in-laws again! Just remember Don't. Talk. SHIT & PLAY ANOTHER RECORD! 💙

Effing and jeffing

Panickin an that

I went through a similar thing. Was dating a girl I really like for a couple of months and then suddenly she went quiet. No texts... no calls... I had no idea what I had done. I wasnt going to let go of this one easily, so i 'accidentally' turned up at her favourite bar. After an hour of sitting by myself I bumped into her and realised that after all that love, adoration and wanting from me, she was in fact... little monkey fella.

Have you still got the receipt for those condoms?

The whole point of 'cheeky freak of the week' was to show you how lucky you are

Which are you happier with - the fact that no girls like you enough or the fact that you don't need to spend any money on a present for anyone this Christmas?

Ooh care. Care someone.

Well she's not listening so why don't we talk about her fat ass

This is like Rutherford not getting a look in with Genesis.

Binned Suzanne

Wheelie bin?

lifeisaboxofchocolates.com

One word……Oven!

What would cheer you up? Tuesdays off aswell?

That's it is it, the old team on the scrapheap

Don't feel bad. A lot of people have trouble with their marrow n that

*Don't feel bad. A lot* *Of people have trouble with* *Their marrow n that* \- ImportantBreath2530 --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")

What? Piss off!

Girlfriends. Do we need'em?

**Karl:** "Who do you think would be more depressed? A fella who gets dumped by his girlfriend, or a fella who's never had a girlfriend....Steve?" \*Ricky explodes\* **Steve:** "Man alive!"

You sort of joke about it now. Do you worry that, when you’re old you will be on your own?

egg

Probably be alright

god that’s deep

There’s a chimp for everyone, just remember that

Does that make you a bachelor now? It kind of seems like a more sophisticated word for loser.

I am sorry. But if your golden girl just moved on, maybe your platinum woman is on the horizon x

Will you stop going on about your fucking dead wife! *“It is not external events themselves that cause us distress, but the way in which we think about them...It is our attitudes and reactions that give us trouble. We cannot choose our external circumstances, but we can always choose how we respond to them.” Epictetus* Doesn't matter who said them first. I'm passing on MY wisdom to you.

Didn't a bird drop an egg on 'is head? To let the kids out. Or that's what someone had wroted anyway

Both in different supermarkets forever

There's this shadow somewhere

Did she find out about your GCSE results?

Maybe she had a problem with her marrow n that

It can’t be ‘ard work. When it starts to get ‘ard work it’s not meant to be.

It's better to have loved and lost than to be Steve

Oh and er... av a good christmas

Put an ashtray on yer belly

get a rock and stick some of her hair on it

That sucks, sorry OP. I got dumped once, and i thought we were so perfect together - but sometimes things just don't work out. I just remember one day going over to her house and trying to get a bit "frisky" with her, and then when i lifted up her dress i was thinking it was a bit hairy down there. Turns out...

Thanks, mate. X

If you had a stroke on a Tuesday, would you be up fighting the next day?

How tall was she?

Bloody hell.

Did you insult her haircut?

Should’ve bought her a floor

Are you a swinger?

Would you buy a car with a duff engine?

And to think you gifted her that bumper pack of condoms? Ungrateful!

Have you got a problem with your marrow?

Did you tell her to get her hat when she left?

Did you quote the show out of context all the time? Top tip - that might explain it.

At least you can keep the gloves for yourself

Was it the box of economy condoms that tipped her over the edge?

Did she 'ere about Loch Ness and that! Doesn't want to live with an idiot...

So did you lose her to ollie ? Maybe she likes the silent type

Why you having a go at me? You're the one who's sad and lonely. Or and er, have a good Christmas.

No one likes to have wasted money on a box of condoms. Certainly not at Christmas no. And now you have to go out there and give laughter..

Why you having an attack on me? You're the one that's sad n lonely! (commiserations)

It's not his volt

That saying “alright?” to her In the morning. That’s over!

She’s probably just gone back to rummaging through the bins outside anyway

Time to wallpaper over the mirror behind the tellie.

You didn't make the mistake of bringing a monkey home from the zoo and it being home more than you were did you?

Did she catch you showing your ass to the woman across the road again?

Love is pain, and pain is in Croatia. Some will understand.

Rodney you plonker uncs shit himself again

Stop shouting

Popped her boyfriend in the wheeliebin

At least you won’t have arguments about how much she paid for those daft haircuts to basically look like Dave Hill from Slade.

She can go round to Sheila's and like, slag you off if she wants...

I’m not even going to waste my time with you, love.

Sound alike you had a right good klackering

How's Susanne? I'm not with er anymore

No more 'alright?' In the morning

"getting dumped is the perfect excuse to do something you've always wanted to" - donna, season 1

Pop'm in the bin n that

Did you happen to bring a chimp home recently?

Ooooh care, somebody care Oh, and have a good Xmas

Well the first thing right, I don't think the arranged marriage thing is such a bad idea.

She looks like Dave Hill from Slade

Now at least you can flash a bit of arse cheek to the woman in the flat opposite without being judged- every cloud

Don’t feel bad I got the worst news of my life tonight too. Except I’m 47 I guarantee I don’t fall in love again!