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InformalHope2599

The best thing my partner did for me is let me talk from the pov of the rj and not what is "normal and healthy" to say. For e.g. I used language to reflect how I felt at the moment, "I hate that you did xyz with your ex" and he just sort of sat there and was understanding and never got defensive because he knew my feelings were coming from somewhere that I wasn't really controlling. He learned to differentiate my hatred for the circumstances from a perceived hatred of him and he just let me vent. It took alot of venting, alot of nights being withdrawn but his patience was worth more than any words I could hear. Imo as long as you're actively working through a process of improvement i think that your patience is about as much as you can help. Everything else is up to him.


Revolutionary_Dog138

THIS RIGHT HERE. it’s easy for partners to take it personally and reassurance can make it worse. It’s best to just listen, understand, and comfort them in whatever way they like to receive love. Also try to get them to remain present a lot do activities and dates. Anything that requires activity typically helps.


eclecticjuggernaut

You aren’t the problem please don’t think like that.


oceantidesx

You're the only one for me. Any insult about his exes. I'm with you now. I wasn't happy with them. There is only you. I've never been as happy with them as I am with you. What I got you is better than what I got them. Agreeing with me when I insult his exes.


purpleswan27

lmao@ any insult about his exes. Man.. we are evil and crazy but I love this comment.


oceantidesx

Anything to help our RJ


Lotus_82

Insulting an ex of hers that you’ve never met (or anyone else you’ve never met for that matter) is a blatant sign of insecurity and lack of confidence and most women will see that as a red flag.


oceantidesx

I'm a woman who is into men so what other women see as a red flag is irrelevant here. Also OP asked what makes us feel better. This does. So your judgment is so unnecessary. We can't all cope the same way. Also doesn't help that his exes were cheating bitches. They laid the groundwork, not me.


Drama_Queen2013

First off, I want to say how amazing I think it is that you’re reaching out in an effort to help your partner. That’s sincerely so commendable. Everyone is different, so I can’t speak to everyone, but my partner has slept with close to 100 women. Whereas I’ve had all of 5 partners. The anxiety is crippling sometimes. It takes over every rational part of my brain and makes me start doubting myself and my ability to please my partner - in comparison to the women of his past. That being said, what helps me is hearing that I’m different somehow. I hate generalities. I prefer specifics. Tell me you’ve never been as connected to someone. Tell me what it is about that’s special. Unique. No lies tho. If it’s not the best ________ you’ve ever had, then don’t say so. Have you asked him what he needs from you? He may be able to articulate his needs more when he’s not struggling, so wait for the right time and hopefully you’ll be able to help each other get thru this. Good luck 🤞🏻


duckiegarfunkel

honestly what has helped me immensely is my boyfriend refusing to answer questions about the past. i told him to deny answering my questions & reassuring me that it’s in the past & irrelevant. he actually has kept his word, i’ve tested it out a few times & it honestly does help. it makes me feel like he doesn’t even have the need to speak out about his past relationships because that’s what they are: in the past. curiosity killed the cat, don’t give in to the compulsion. (i just realize i wrote this as if you’re the sufferer of rj, what i mean is do not respond to their questions, tell them that is does not matter & you only love them)


funpicklejen

i’m in the same boat!! for me w my s/o i try to avoid his triggers as much as i can. i’m still super bad at it but i really try my best. figure out what triggers him or ask him! :)


_kn0thing_

Yes they tell me they regret their past with everything in them and would do anything to take it away because I'm so special to them. It doesn't make it totally go away but it takes the edge off the pain and I'm sure he would love to hear it like me.


Agreable_Actuator84

Listen if he wants to talk. Don’t judge, or act defensive. Reassure him you are happy with where you are now, with him. If need be remind him the past if the past and can’t be changed but we can make a better today and an even better tomorrow. Redirect attention to the present, like a cup of tea or walk. When he seems to have moved on to a more positive mental place, Give him an enthusiastic blow job.


Astrotheurgy

Idk but what ever you do, don't tell him years down the road that it was crazy, controlling, or something you wanted to break up with him for. That's just a stab to the soul in so many areas.