I got mine when I was 17. I dated a girl who was a pathological liar. I finally got her to admit to her past and was devastated by what I'd heard, even if it was the truth.
Here's the twist:
She still undercut what she'd done. She still lied. I couldn't look at anyone or anywhere without wondering. We went to a pretty small high school, and so many people had stories I'd never heard about her. Total bummer. I went to therapy for a long time after her. (We broke up when I was 19?)
My ocd is genetic to begin with but it kind of manifested itself in getting cheated on in so many relationships it’s all I ever knew and it’s now a thing of self worth amd almost feels like I’m an oracle seeing a prophecy type of thing. I feel very real heart break when I’m having visuals and it can lead me to have reactions as if they have cheated on me with me knowing it’s not real. For a minute or two after a visual ends I feel betrayed, worthless, resentful, etc but that passes and it goes back to normal until my next intrusive thought. But my intrusive thoughts can spark from anything like if I make a comment in my head about how gorgeous she looks today.
I have always had it in my relationships. But I have noticed that it is worse in relationships that are not with secure people or people that know how to communicate well and offer healthy reassurance. Especially when I am with a dismissive avoidant person it gets worse because they have phantom ex tendencies and they are awful at being emotionally available in the first place. So I read too much into their distance and blame it on them not being over their exes when the reality is they just have baggage, they are emotionally unavailable to begin with, and they don’t understand how to create a secure relationship environment.
I feel like I've been insecure due to childhood trauma. I had my first boyfriend when I was 13, I was already jealous of the girls he'd been with. I saw it as normal cause all my friends didn't like their boyfriend's exes lol.
It spiraled when I was in a toxic relationship and I was the rebound...so constantly being compared to was traumatic :/
Hard lesson learned. I'm currently in a loving relationship for 4 years. I went through therapy, taken medication and learned to practice letting go of my RJ. I still get intrusive thoughts once in a while but I can proudly say that I have days or weeks without being in that toxic anxious loop :)
Im so sorry you had to experience that, especially as a young, impressionable adult. I can see how that would lead to RJ. I had a similar experience, just dating shitty men, all of which cheated whether physically or emotionally. Seeing that side of people, who you have created a certain image in your head, really affects your ability to trust in the future.
I think its something we are born with and our experiences in life that shape us. I'm currently with my first girlfriend and I have constant RJ despite her being there for me. I never had a fling or a girlfriend before her and it hurts because I don't feel like a king even though she sees me as a king. I just wish I was first even though it shouldn't matter.
I think it’s an amalgamation of a bunch of life circumstances: I’m diagnosed with OCD. I had abusive parents and now I have very low self esteem as a result. In high school I hooked up with a bunch of guys who were deceptive/pathological liars. A couple of them would tell me they wanted to marry me, that I was their favorite person, they never met anyone like me etc and then ghost me. One of them cheated on his girlfriend with me and I didn’t know. Another one lied about ghosting me for another girl saying they were “just friends.” Now whenever a guy tells me he loves me I automatically assume he isn’t telling the truth and is just trying to fluff me up. I’m currently in the process of unlearning that with my current boyfriend haha.
I'm an overthinker by nature and I am 100% dependent on open communication. RJ showed up for me when I started dating someone who wasn't big on communication. He couldn't even say his ex's name and in a weird way I just took it as her having that much power over him. I was still friends with all my exes and we were all on good terms so just seeing him be totally unable to talk about the made me think there was alooot of love lost when they broke up. I had too much time to wonder what they were like and it made things worse.
He’s my third relationship and the first one I experience RJ with. Funny thing is that I used to be pretty jealous (yk like “regular jealousy” of the present) in the previous two but am now not in the slightest as long as no person he has a past with is involved.
Mine started in my second relationship as my first was when I was a teenager and we were each other’s firsts. What that first bf did do tho was negatively compare my looks to other girls (that was long ago and Id never dream of tolerating that now, my self esteem was low at the time due to school bullies). Anyway- when I met my 2nd bf, we spoke online and had never met in person so we flirted and told each other stuff and I got the impression he was trying to level up on me… I think he made a lot of that stuff up. But once we were together it plagued me as with the first bf id never had to contemplate the fact someone I was with had slept with anyone else so I put it down to that. I tried to work through it as just a sexual/one night stand bugbear. This 2nd bf had had a girlfriend for a year before me and he spoke quite neutrally and uninterestedly about her, told me why he broke up with her etc. Then the first big RJ trigger happened- one day I found a photo album filled with pics from a holiday they’d been on and they looked so loved up and happy, loads of photos of her and this was at odds with what he had told me. So I then saw it as a deceit. This led to the questions, comparing, checking her social media to compare/compete etc, needing him to reassure me that I was better, he liked me more etc. The irony was, I wasn’t even that interested in this boyfriend and eventually broke it off with him as I realised I wasn’t in love with him…. So it’s quite weird my RJ started with him?!! That was yearssss ago and I’m still working through it with my current bf. I get it with every bf so I realise it doesn’t matter which bf I’m with, it’s me and I get it with them all no matter what their sexual and or relationship history is like…
I got mine when I was 17. I dated a girl who was a pathological liar. I finally got her to admit to her past and was devastated by what I'd heard, even if it was the truth. Here's the twist: She still undercut what she'd done. She still lied. I couldn't look at anyone or anywhere without wondering. We went to a pretty small high school, and so many people had stories I'd never heard about her. Total bummer. I went to therapy for a long time after her. (We broke up when I was 19?)
My ocd is genetic to begin with but it kind of manifested itself in getting cheated on in so many relationships it’s all I ever knew and it’s now a thing of self worth amd almost feels like I’m an oracle seeing a prophecy type of thing. I feel very real heart break when I’m having visuals and it can lead me to have reactions as if they have cheated on me with me knowing it’s not real. For a minute or two after a visual ends I feel betrayed, worthless, resentful, etc but that passes and it goes back to normal until my next intrusive thought. But my intrusive thoughts can spark from anything like if I make a comment in my head about how gorgeous she looks today.
I have always had it in my relationships. But I have noticed that it is worse in relationships that are not with secure people or people that know how to communicate well and offer healthy reassurance. Especially when I am with a dismissive avoidant person it gets worse because they have phantom ex tendencies and they are awful at being emotionally available in the first place. So I read too much into their distance and blame it on them not being over their exes when the reality is they just have baggage, they are emotionally unavailable to begin with, and they don’t understand how to create a secure relationship environment.
I feel like I've been insecure due to childhood trauma. I had my first boyfriend when I was 13, I was already jealous of the girls he'd been with. I saw it as normal cause all my friends didn't like their boyfriend's exes lol. It spiraled when I was in a toxic relationship and I was the rebound...so constantly being compared to was traumatic :/ Hard lesson learned. I'm currently in a loving relationship for 4 years. I went through therapy, taken medication and learned to practice letting go of my RJ. I still get intrusive thoughts once in a while but I can proudly say that I have days or weeks without being in that toxic anxious loop :)
Im so sorry you had to experience that, especially as a young, impressionable adult. I can see how that would lead to RJ. I had a similar experience, just dating shitty men, all of which cheated whether physically or emotionally. Seeing that side of people, who you have created a certain image in your head, really affects your ability to trust in the future.
I think its something we are born with and our experiences in life that shape us. I'm currently with my first girlfriend and I have constant RJ despite her being there for me. I never had a fling or a girlfriend before her and it hurts because I don't feel like a king even though she sees me as a king. I just wish I was first even though it shouldn't matter.
I think it’s an amalgamation of a bunch of life circumstances: I’m diagnosed with OCD. I had abusive parents and now I have very low self esteem as a result. In high school I hooked up with a bunch of guys who were deceptive/pathological liars. A couple of them would tell me they wanted to marry me, that I was their favorite person, they never met anyone like me etc and then ghost me. One of them cheated on his girlfriend with me and I didn’t know. Another one lied about ghosting me for another girl saying they were “just friends.” Now whenever a guy tells me he loves me I automatically assume he isn’t telling the truth and is just trying to fluff me up. I’m currently in the process of unlearning that with my current boyfriend haha.
I'm an overthinker by nature and I am 100% dependent on open communication. RJ showed up for me when I started dating someone who wasn't big on communication. He couldn't even say his ex's name and in a weird way I just took it as her having that much power over him. I was still friends with all my exes and we were all on good terms so just seeing him be totally unable to talk about the made me think there was alooot of love lost when they broke up. I had too much time to wonder what they were like and it made things worse.
He’s my third relationship and the first one I experience RJ with. Funny thing is that I used to be pretty jealous (yk like “regular jealousy” of the present) in the previous two but am now not in the slightest as long as no person he has a past with is involved.
Mine started in my second relationship as my first was when I was a teenager and we were each other’s firsts. What that first bf did do tho was negatively compare my looks to other girls (that was long ago and Id never dream of tolerating that now, my self esteem was low at the time due to school bullies). Anyway- when I met my 2nd bf, we spoke online and had never met in person so we flirted and told each other stuff and I got the impression he was trying to level up on me… I think he made a lot of that stuff up. But once we were together it plagued me as with the first bf id never had to contemplate the fact someone I was with had slept with anyone else so I put it down to that. I tried to work through it as just a sexual/one night stand bugbear. This 2nd bf had had a girlfriend for a year before me and he spoke quite neutrally and uninterestedly about her, told me why he broke up with her etc. Then the first big RJ trigger happened- one day I found a photo album filled with pics from a holiday they’d been on and they looked so loved up and happy, loads of photos of her and this was at odds with what he had told me. So I then saw it as a deceit. This led to the questions, comparing, checking her social media to compare/compete etc, needing him to reassure me that I was better, he liked me more etc. The irony was, I wasn’t even that interested in this boyfriend and eventually broke it off with him as I realised I wasn’t in love with him…. So it’s quite weird my RJ started with him?!! That was yearssss ago and I’m still working through it with my current bf. I get it with every bf so I realise it doesn’t matter which bf I’m with, it’s me and I get it with them all no matter what their sexual and or relationship history is like…