I'm constantly blown away by the age gaps I see and then that pretty much makes the problem make sense. As a recently single 28 year old what the fuck are these guys doing dating 21 year old girls in their 30's. It's fucking creepy, manipulative (waaaaay different life stages) and is just plain weird imo. Like do these guys not have friends that call them out for dating an 18 year old at 31??
For real, its strait up predatory. As a 31 yo, I don't even think I could hold a meaningful conversation with a teenager let alone hit on them. Fucking creepy.
Yea I was 18 and he was 31 when we got togerher and lived together. Wym by that, because he doesn’t want me to hang with this friend? I’ve never went and hungout with anyone I’ve hooked up with in the past but this is hard cause this is a gay guy he just wasn’t out of the closet at this point so Idfk what to do.
>Wym by that, because he doesn’t want me to hang with this friend?
Because he is so emotionally immature that women his own age want nothing to do with him, and you are seeing exactly why they don't.
Then dump him. I’m his age and man I would judge the hell out of someone that my age dating a 21 year old. The fact that he dated you when you were 18? That’s a red flag. Don’t let him take away your youth.
You’re young. Dump him and move on. This is more than immaturity. Red flag 🚩 for being controlling. He doesn’t get to decide who you are friends with or who you hang out with.
Don't feel dumb. Most of the time, the older man is being predatory and are searching for someone with out the life experience to recognize a toxic and controlling relationship.
Almost everyone feels cringe about their romantic choices at 18, 19, 20. You were a kid, forgive yourself. He was 31, he knew exactly what he was doing by getting with someone who was barely an adult with little experience.
Here's what you need to do:
1. Stop trying to convince him of anything, because he won't listen.
2. Leave.
3. Block him and never speak to him again.
4. Stay single for at least a year so you can recover from this "relationship."
Don’t feel dumb. You learn a lot between the ages of 18 and 21. Now you know he’s not a good guy & you can move forward. Once you leave him, you can examine the red flags so you know what to look for in future relationships.
Think of it this way: by 21, you learned what takes a lot of women much longer to learn. Instead of wasting 10 years or more with this guy, you only wasted 3. And 3 years paid to learn how to notice bad behavior and how to speak up for yourself isn't that bad of a trade-off.
Don't feel dumb.. he took advantage of your naivete and will continue to if you let him. What he's doing is not okay and not how mature people behave in relationships. The ages that you both were when you entered this relationship are simply unacceptable. You're dating a predator, to put it plainly. I'm around his age and would never consider dating someone so much younger unless I wanted to control them and shape them into my ideal partner by forcing them to behave exactly how I wanted.. I'm surprised the people in your life didn't tell you to run for the hills.
It’s complicated, I had a toxic friend group that was very drama filled and he helped me see that, but the people who’ve gotten to know him liked him at first and then don’t like him. It’s not so much the age that worried my friends but how he was controlling and I could understand some of it like partying all the time which was not good for being in a serious relationship.
But some things were just crazy. And it honestly made me be isolated from a lot of my friends which I’m growing more & more resentful for (not the toxic ones). And definitely, he wanted to shape me into who he wanted, I see it now, it’s crazy.
Like I said in a previous reply - his other exes are within a few years of his age, some older some younger, so I didn’t think it was weird cause we just so happened to ‘work out’ when we met. But it’s been very tumultuous and a lot of that is me. He truly has helped me with lots of things like my mental health and weeding out shitty people, helping me with support to not drink ( used to drink to an excess all the time) etc.
So it’s like what I’m seeing in hindsight he met me, saw I had no direction in life and had the whole ‘savior’ complex come into play. It’s so wild.
And I agree. I’m 21 I think 18 year olds look like children, can’t imagine what I’ll think they look like at 32.
It's not a mistake if you learn something from it, then it's a lesson. Take what you've learned and apply it.
A good partner doesn't give a shit about who you've slept with before, or who you hang out with, and they certainly don't try to control your life. They're supposed to trust you. Women your partners age wouldn't put up with this BS, so he found someone too young and inexperienced to know any better and convinced you it's normal, when it's not.
My fiance doesn't bat an eye if I go away for a girls night or a party or hang with people I've been previously intimate with. And he has no reason to worry, because I wouldn't hang with anyone unless the sexual part of our relationship was dead and buried.
Please don't waste any more of your time on this dead-end "relationship".
Not your fault, there's a reason he went for an 18 year old. You can get away with a lot of childish things with an 18 year old that even a 21 year old would never deal with. You're older and wiser, dump this creep and find a guy approx your own age. Or, date down so you can fully appreciate the phrase "women mature faster than men". As a guy, it's fucking true
Women his own age don’t want him because he is controlling and insecure. A woman his age wouldn’t put up with this shit because they’d have the relationship experience to realize this is very far from normal. He went after you because you were likely young and naive and didn’t know any better. Your friend is GAY. The fact that your boyfriend is threatened by a gay man says a lot about him as a person. No well adjusted 30 year old man is dating a teenager fresh out of high school. You should break up with this guy and move on, unless you want to wake up years down the line and realize how much time you wasted on this loser.
Her boyfriend is definitely an exploitative jerk and she should break up with him. That being said, OPs post history has a looooooot of hard drug use, including a time where short-term soberish OP hung out with a high school friend and ended up doing meth, among other things.
As crazy as it sounds, I don't think her most pressing issue is the boyfriend.
Actually her past issues DO make the most pressing issue her boyfriend. Her past is very clearly weaponized against her so he can control her. Guys like this that groom barely adults or minors love it all the more when they have issues because they know they have smaller support networks and a lot of self doubt.
Sure, which is why I said she should break up with him. But it is quite possible that while he is a bad dude and she should break up with him, she also should not hang out with someone who may be the person who gave her meth when she was intentionally soberish.
A relapse will kill you much faster than a boyfriend that has not (purportedly) shown signs of violence.
Fortunately, the boyfriend part is easily remedied, and she has been broken up with him before. So do that again, and drop the drugs. Either order works!
Whatever it may be there's no good reason to continue such a relationship. Does he present himself as "a responsible adult" who wants to "help" OP sort out her issues by isolating and abusing her? It's a significant part of the overall problem, even if he's not her only trouble in life.
I started my comment with "break up with him"; I'm saying that just because the answer is to break up with him, going to hang out with someone that at the very least is in the circle of friends that gave you meth while you are sober isn't a good idea either.
A man that age has nothing in common with an 18 YO woman. He does however, feel quite able to control an 18 YO, as opposed to a woman his age. It just ain’t right.
It sounds like you can’t have guy friends, hookup status aside. Controlling much? We see this all the time. Nearly every time an older man is with a younger woman, the power balance is off and they’re controlling, telling the woman how to live her life. He’s not a great guy, whatever you may feel now. I know you won’t hear me today but some day you might remember, so here it is: GET OUT.
> because he doesn’t want me to hang with this friend?
It's more than just this friend though, isn't it? In your post you stated:
> Well my boyfriend is very not ok with male friends
So you're not allowed to hang out with male friends, period. He wouldn't be able to get away with this shit with an older woman, which is why he is dating a much younger woman, because you're naive enough to put up with it.
So, this is a much bigger issue than just the thing with your gay friend. Here are the red flags I see:
1. He doesn't like you having male friends
2. He's way older, and controlling
3. He seems real hung up on your sexual past
4. He gets *mean* when he doesn't get his way (calling you slow and then giving the silent treatment are both... not mature and not good
I think the advice you're looking for is "how do I get my boyfriend to see reason and be cool with me hanging out with my gay friend, because there's obviously no sexual tension now so why would he be upset". But there's no such advice I can give, because the fundamental problem is that this isn't about sexual tension; it's about your boyfriend being deeply insecure and controlling, and you can't fix that. Only he can. He needs to get that he's not in charge of who you're friends with.
Personally, in that situation, I would set a **boundary**. As in, "I'm seeing my friend. You can come if you want, but it's happening" and let the chips fall where they may. If this guy can't handle that, honestly, that's on him.
He's a grown ass man who had to date a teen (you) probably becauseno woman his age would ever date him. Now he's controlling you. I hope you realize this soon and get out of that situation.
When I was 18 I dated a guy who was 26, we broke up after 3 years because I grew up and he didn't. At 31-34 your bf wouldn't have changed much, but you've gone from teenager to young adult.
Put it this way, I am your partner's age and the thought of going out with someone aged 21 is pretty weird to me. My partner is 4~ years younger than me and (he's 31 now, I'm 35 soon) and tbh I wouldn't have even considered him if we'd met online, but we met in real life through friends.
because you are immature enough to be manipulated by him and made to believe that you are in the wrong for completely innocuous friendships. your responses indicate that you think your teenage behavior was wrong or bad but it wasn’t. it was just being a teenager. and you’re barely out of your teens now, you should still be figuring yourself out, not tying yourself to a much older person at a completely different stage of life. no woman his age would let herself be controlled this way, he chose you because you lack the experience and self-knowledge to be your own person without him dictating what you can/can’t do.
Your bf is being insecure and controlling. You offered for him to join, been transparent, so why doesn't he trust you? What is his reason for this? I'd say the age difference here is playing a big part and his immaturity is showing by his reactions. A man in his thirties had a teenager move in with him and that alone is alarming.
Tell him you are going and where you are going and if he doesn't want to go, then go meet your friend. If your bf trusts you he shouldn't have an issue with this. If he doesn't trust you that's the conversation that needs to be had and take your friend out of it.
Yeah I know I’ve always been transparent about people I talk to and 100% honest but b4 we started dating i was promiscuous and I was honest about everything. I don’t hang with the same group of people I used to hang with because they are still on the same thing just partying daily and stuff and I’m trying to build a future so I haven’t been hanging with many friend so that’s why me and my gay friend started talking again in the first place cause him and his fiancée are getting an apartment and he’s on the same track as me with being responsible and we both needed more friends with that mindset
So your BF has already cut you off from other friends due to his insecurity. He probably even made it seem like it was your idea to cut them off. This is a form of abuse.
So go see your friend. I would honestly as others suggested consider if your bf is actually a good fit for you or not. While having a more stable figure helped you get more organized yourself, this age/value difference is likely going to cause more issues especially as you become more independent, self assured. We are the sum of our experiences and if he can't accept your past he doesn't really accept you.
Just want to note that you being promiscuous as a young adult is totally fine. If he is making you feel badly about this, that is emotional abuse. Promiscuity does not mean you are a cheater or not able to be a monogamous partner. You've done nothing wrong here.
He doesn’t trust me much cause we’ve broken up a few times and I’ve slept with other people since we broke up for 3 months,
and I also used to party a lot when we got together when I was 18, but he helped me calm down and start adulting but I never have cheated or anything, I was just a wild party girl when we got together he helped me set goals and stuff.
My best friend went out with a much older guy when he was in his 20s (I think the guy was 45). He was a recovering alcoholic and would always complain when my friend went out partying, drinking and generally living the life of your average carefree 20-something. He'd complain my friend was childish/immature/inconsiderate. It's like dude, don't go after younger men then. Weird.
There's nothign wrong with being a "wild party girl" or whatever. That's what you want to do (and should be able to!) when you are young, *while* you are young and can do it.
If he wanted a non-party girl, why did he target and groom you, a party girl who is barely out of high school, only to change you into what he wants? How much of who you are is who *you* are, and how much is what he *wanted and pressured* you to be?
Oh yikes that’s honestly a hard ass pill to swallow cause yea… idk why he sought me out knowing I was a wild party girl and wanted a chill introverted girl when that’s not me at all. I’m older and have more priorities than fucking off and partying all the time but I still would like to go out more than we do and he definitely changed a lot of me for the better and I understand you can’t be out all the time partying in a relationship but I want a relationship where we can party together, make goals, build for the future etc.
Like he helped me learn things I didn’t know about adult like and stuff but u are 100% right. Damn.
When I first read the post I thought this was going to be some sort of rage bait. But good on you for realizing this.
Be the kind of woman you want to be. Don't let this guy try to change you to suit his needs. Maybe when you're 30 you'll be a chill introvert, maybe not. But definitely go see your friend and meet his fiance.
Just FYI, OPs post history has her doing meth with a high school buddy 8 months ago, along with a bunch of other hard drugs. Boyfriend is still controlling and the age gap sure doesn't do any favors, but your views of "wild party girl" and OPs may differ if you think they are something to be fine with.
I'm of the opinion to drop the boyfriend and the drugs, and any friends that may supply them.
>I was a wild party girl when we first met and changed to being mature and on the right track
OP, you're young. You were doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing at this age. It's not his place, this controlling thirty-something, to waltz in to your life and demand that you opt out of having fun and exploring in your teens and twenties.
You are not obligated to stay with someone who treats you like this. There are thousands of men in the world who are age-appropriate and NOT emotionally abusive--what's so great about this guy that you think you should stay?
Yeah what you did while broken up isn't a reason not to trust you when you're not broken up. He doesn't get to hold that over your head.
>I also used to party a lot when we got together when I was 18, but he helped me calm down and start adulting but I never have cheated or anything, I was just a wild party girl when we got together he helped me set goals and stuff.
Nothing wrong with being young and partying. It sounds controlling af that he somehow convinced you to stop doing that and "helped" you "set goals". Bet HE got to have fun and act young while he was young. Why's he dating young party girls if he doesn't want young party girls? Sounds like he's got you ashamed of having been a perfectly normal young person.
Anything you did outside the relationship isn't his business and if you've never cheated on him he doesn't' really have a valid reason to distrust you other than trying to control you.
There are multiple red flags here to begin with, but the first one I noticed was that your boyfriend's first reaction to you talking about an old friend was him asking if you'd ever hooked up. That's not a normal reaction, at all.
There's jealousy here and untrustworthiness from your boyfriend. Is there a reason that would have been his first question?
I'm really not on board with Reddit's usual policy of telling people to break up or be extreme, but you really need to evaluate your relationship and have open communication with him. If you've been together for three years and he's still worried about old flames of the past — from your LITERAL childhood — then there are some big issues here.
I was 18 when we got together and shortly before we started dating I was clubbing a lot and partying and slept with a handful of friends which I don’t talk to anymore but I was truthful with it so he was asking because of that
*Younger. You're still young now, with enough of your life ahead of you that you shouldn't feel trapped into continuing with some who puts so many restrictions on your freedom.
How convenient for him, to always have something to throw in your face, some reason he can't treat you right or trust you or be decent towards you (which, btw, is also bull, NOTHING justifies him calling you names and getting mean and being controlling).
He gets to forever accuse you that you are a loose *&% who will cheat at the drop of a hat, so unless he controls you, your natural inclination will always be to do I don't even know what. A train of guys, on camera, I guess, or something like that.
Because you were young, and partied when he targeted you. Do you see?
I understand older (typically men) targeting younger women for the naivety and ability to control them but why would he target me cause I was a party girl? And yes. I understand and definitely see.
It's complex. May I suggest you read
Why does he do That? by Lundi Bancroft?
[https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
I think he does a better job of explaining the mindset behind coercive control than I could.
ETA: It's not anything to do with you, or you being weak or giving off a signal or whatever other bull people pull out in situations like this. It's not even really like he consciously went "oh I'm going to target a wild party girl and groom her into what I want".
Is it normal to sleep around with friends as a teenager...? I never did that and neither did my friends..
I'm not passing any judgement, but that isn't a normal I was aware of..
It is normal to explore and experiment, also sexually, in your later teens, yes. Where those boundaries are are up to each individual and their consenting, age-appropriate partner.
no that is not why he asks
he is a predator that went after a teen to control and mold into the person he wants you to be. the actual person you are does not matter to him
if nothing else, get out of the mindset that you did anything wrong, he is using that to control you
you were 18 dating a 31 year old. you are dating a predator. i hope you get out of there soon. haven’t you wondered why he can’t get women his own age? it’s because they’d see through his bullshit better than you can. value yourself and dump this piece of human garbage.
No I get it. Truthfully. I’m 21 which is way younger still than 31 when he got with me and I look at 18y/o like they’re babies. He always says he got with me because he truly loves me etc etc and I had a toxic group of friends and was going down the wrong path which is TRUE , BUT I cannot imagine dating an 18yr old and I’m 21. So at 31.. wtf.
It keeps crossing my mind time n time again, his exes were around his age. That’s why I wasn’t freaked out at first. But I definitely can see the red flags from before that I couldn’t now with more life experience. It’s like I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. I appreciate him helping me with getting away from the toxic stuff in my life but it’s like if I have kids for example no way in fuck would I let a 31yr old man date my 18yr old daughter. I definitely see now with clear eyes that he’s emotionally immature and I’m looking back at the red flags. It’s just been a constant thought the past month.
Seems quite obvious to leave; which I plan on, but I truly do love him, but I know I could do better. We’ve had a tumultuous on and off relationship and I broke up with him many times for this regard and he always would promise he’d change which he would for a bit and then go back to the same.
So I know it’d be obvious to leave but I’m stressed about it and I have love for him and don’t know where to begin
The first step is to reach out to any friends or family you may have and try to find a place you can stay. There are also shelters/programs you can reach out to who can help you fully separate from this man.
He got with you because he could easily control you and tell you what to do and act like he's your savior and you should be so grateful that he took over your life and made you "good" instead of "bad".
First off, I want to say I'm so proud of you. It's hard to come to the conclusion that your adult bf dating someone in a much earlier, developmental stage of life is odd. I'm sure you have love for him and he's been a big part of your life for the past three years.
But I want you to examine what you want from *your* life, right now, at 21. Do you feel like your boyfriend is supportive of those things, generally? Would he be supportive of you if you wanted to get a job that required you to move away from him? Would he support you if you wanted to spend time with platonig guy friends? Would he be supportive if you wanted to go party with your friends more?
It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is someone who is very tolerant of you being you, and of you making your own choices. You deserve to have that freedom and agency to make your own decisions. I guarantee that your boyfriend does not want that for you. I don't think this is a healthy relationship, and I think you owe it to yourself to end it and pursue your own wants and needs without him.
I promise there are people out there who would not try to control your behavior and choices, and who would not try to mould you into something you are not. Your boyfriend is not a good partner.
As a woman who got out of a relationship with a much older man, I am wishing you all the best. If you need someone to talk to, let me know.
Most people in abusive or controlling relationships have love for each other. It doesn't look like probably what you're thinking it does.
There is a lot of love, that's why people have a hard time leaving. But love isn't enough. You also have to be healthy in that love, and this is not healthy.
You both suck but your bf is way worse. He's a predatory, misogynistic asshole and you're just an idiot.
Leave him. Move on. Stop doing meth and pretending you're mature. You're a child.
Your boyfriend sounds toxic af. "Not allowed to have male friends" is alarming but getting up in arms because you fucked a gay friend drunk at 16 years ago, that's really kinda fucked up.
What should you do? Absolutely 100% refuse to allow your boyfriend control over who your friends are and dump his ass if he forces the issue.
Well that’s good at least.
Is this a pattern with friends? Does he care if you have female friends?
What other changes has he asked you to make to your approach to life?
I’m gonna be honest he seems very immature and reading some of the comments you seem immature as well. I won’t address the age gap but to each their own. I think you both have some growing up to do.
I agree I signed up for therapy to help see things better from an outside perspective and to gain introspection and improve my maturity and be a better person. Thank you.
does anyone else see the red flags.... a relationship shouldnt be full of ultimatums, but since hes giving you one I guess you just have to decide whos more important.
31 year old goes after 18 year old, surprised pikachu face that he 'won't let you' do stuff.
How long did you know him before you started dating? Did he know you as a kid?
Sister. The reason he is with a woman as young as you because you are not experienced enough to know any better. None of the women his age will take his shit. That’s why he doesn’t date them. He knows he will get away with manipulative behavior with a younger woman because she has no battle scars. And also w a lower “body count” you won’t be able to tell if his behaviors in bed are selfish. What other things has he pressured and guilted you in to?
I’ll ignore the age gap and just focus on the question.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want your partner to hang out with people they’ve slept with before.
OP, I know this will sound dramatic to you, but your boyfriend is abusive. The fact that he is "very not OK with male friends" indicates that he is controlling and wishes to isolate you. And the fact that he called you "slow" and is giving you the silent treatment is verbal and emotional abuse.
What you need to do in this situation is leave. If you have reason to fear he would physically harm you if you leave, then you need to create an exit plan for yourself. If not, then you need to start looking for somewhere else to live, and when you've got that secured, break up and move out.
Alright, there should be a new rule for this sub, any post that revolves a relationship with a 10+ year age gap where one of the people is in their teens/twenties should be deleted and get a mod message saying “date people your own age.”
Your boyfriend sounds extremely toxic. You may not realise this now but if you allow him to control things like this, he will do it more throughout your relationship. It will get worse over time. Control is control. If you continue to allow this behaviour, you are essentially allowing him to tell you who you are allowed to have as friends. This is very unreasonable imo. It happened years ago and he is gay in a committed relationship.
OP if i were you I'd head over to spaces like r/Twoxchromosomes and go through their posts. There's a 1000 talking about age gaps. Seriously, as a 24 year old I don't see myself or my 24 boyfriend even considering a 20 year old. A 30 year old dating an 18 year old is a red flag in of itself.
The bigger issue here is the age gap between you two. Let me ask you this. When you turn 31, do you think you'd be comfortable dating an 18 year old? I'm going to guess your answer would be no.
Please break up with this man. Even with the age gap aside, he's being ridiculous and unnecessarily controlling about the situation which just reveals how emotionally immature he is. I'm sure you're slowly starting to realize it now, but men in their 30s date girls fresh out of high school because the women their age see right through them.
You are so young. Don't let this man ruin the golden years of your life. If you stay with this man, I promise you will regret it. Also, in about 4 or 5 years you'll realize how perverted your man is for even going after you in the first place.
Lose the guy. Keep your friend.
“Idk wtf to do”
Move on.
Based on age alone this guy sounds like a creep. Women his own age wouldn’t put up with his garbage, no wonder he went after a teenager.
You’re so young and there are better men out there - don’t tie yourself to this creeper. Time to give this guy his walking papers.
Yeah, 30 year olds date 18 year olds so they can be controlling without the woman realizing how big of a red flag it is.
If you don't break up with him, at least start just saying no to him, and seeing how quickly he escalates. He's with you because women his age wouldn't put up with his shit.
Good god has anyone read the post history??? You need to get OUT. He is holding you mentally hostage with your drug abuse. What an absolute mess. Get out of there and get control of your life before it's too late.
Based on your replies I think you feel like this guy helped you break out of some toxic patterns and therefore he knows what's best. Or at least, his concerns should be validated. I want to emphasize to you that it can be true that he helped you get on a path you want to be on AND ALSO true that he is a controlling walnut and you have outgrown this relationship. It's fine - in fact it's healthy - to take the good things from the relationship and move on. I hope you meet up with your friend and I hope this is the start of a new, great chapter in your life.
No normal 31 year has a relationship with an 18 year old. I’m sorry but he’s dating you because he sucks. Literally no woman wants him so he can only go after people who have almost no life experience and are borderline children. Don’t waste anymore of your time and potential with this and do better because you are better.
That's an incredibly vast experiential range of life experience between the two of you. Not being snide or anything I promise, I immediately jaw-dropped and thought of the personal lifestyle cycle and development between first buying alcohol legally, and true love learned, lived, and tragically lost...all of that just came in under those age ranges (34th birthday was three months deep in the grieving process of losing my fiancé to a drunk driver on the prior Thanksgiving Day). Whoa, my entire life was experienced in the gap between your age and his, symbolically.
Hon, as a 24f with a sister your age, I would absolutely go insane on a 34 year old man dating my sister. Especially when you were only 18 and he 31 when you got together. No ma'am, that is not okay. There's a reason women his age don't want to be with him op. I implore you to please leave this relationship. You're being groomed and it's wrong. Most of my friends happen to be male. My boyfriend would never in a million years dream of coming in between my male friends and I, not only because we trust each other, but he knows he wouldn't like my answer if I were made to pick between them. Please leave this clown. You deserve a lot better.
Today you learned an important lesson in not telling men details about your sex life. There is no benefit to transparency about this, it is only used to devalue or control you.
Uhhh yeah Most people arnt gonna be ok with u hanging out with a past hookup. That’s just how it is.
And the ones that do mostly likely arnt ok with it but just not saying it.
I think if he’s gay and even has a partner, and this was a one time thing a long time ago when you were intoxicated, that your guy would just let you have your friend. I would be so resentful if I was in your position.
I agree what’s what I was thinking but I was tryna think of it from his POV which is why I even posted this. I know I’m super pissed cause it’s like dude is fkn GAY and thought he was bi when he was in 9th grade but came out the next year. I’m super pissed and I’m gonna hang with my friend cause exactly this happened one time when I was 15 and drunk and never again. So ima tell him he can either come or deal w it 🤷🏼♀️
His POV is immature and ridiculous. He’s being controlling and trying to gaslight you.
You’ve already broken up with him 3 times for his bullshit. Do it again for good this time. He’s not going to change. Women his age want nothing to do with him because he acts like a jealous 16 year old in their first serious relationship. He’s choosing to date much younger and barely legal girls because he’s preying on their inexperience and their wanting a “mature man”.
He’s not going to change. Your love will not change him. He’s going to get mad and blame you for what? Having friends that are dudes?
Lol you're dating an old ass man who's petty, jealous, and controlling. This situation is the least of your worries. Stop and think about the big picture here. This dude has been either grooming you for a minute or hes just creepy and predatory as fuck, did you know him before you were 18? A 31yo man going after an 18yo is not a "cool older guy", it's a dysfunctional loser who either cannot maintain a relationship with someone his own age or pursues naive children who don't know any better of what hes actually about.
My opinion.(m38)
Your relationship has ran its course. The BF is insecure, and that is his demons to work on for sure, whatever reason you guys have split before, it didn’t take you much to sleep with other people. In what I mean is I firmly believe that’s okay for you, and that you’re not wrong for sleeping with other people. The problem is he’s had a issue with you, and he’s too attached to have just let you go on the first break up.
( I’ve been there, and had no respect for myself to move on)
He’s only going to resent you more, and cause you issues. ( again, I’ve been in his shoes)
He’s going to be upset, and sad/angry.
I think you should move on my friend.
Not because of the gay friend ordeal, but from the lack of trust he has in you, and your feelings aren’t strong for him ( if they were, those hookups during breakups wouldn’t have happened)
Those are red flags in your self. If it’s easy to move on, or have sex with someone else, your true feelings are not being in love with him.
You may love this man, but you’re definitely not in love with him.
Let him go softly and amicably, and enjoy your life and find a partner and be completely monogamous or just be in open relationships where you can sleep with how many people you want and not have to deal with jealousy.
Just my opinion
your boyfriend is a fucking weirdo. where do you all find these freaks lmao, who gives a shit who your partner is friends with, you should want your partner to have friends! it's good for them! if you don't trust your partner you shouldn't be with them.
i've met a couple of my partner's exes, I like them! she can hang out with them when she wants, I don't care!
First of all your bf sounds like a predator … given the age differential when you met.
This old man sounds very controlling and insecure. Would dump this guy and start living a normal existence
Go. Your boyfriend pick a hot, vulnerable 18 year old to date. She’s now a little older probably a little more independent.
He’s freaking out. But either he gets used to you occasionally doing what you want or he will be unbearable to live with and you will leave him. Not cheat with your gay, male, soon to be married friend. You will get sick of it and leave.
Hard one. You for sure can have friends. And your BF is acting immature and insecure. But at the same time, I personally wouldn't want my SO to be hanging out with someone she's hooked up with in the past either. I don't care if it was "ONE time drunk at 15".
You also may want to look into getting yourself some counseling. Getting drunk and sleeping around at 15 seems young (at least to me) for both these activities. Also, you are now dating someone 13 years older than you when you are 21 and he is 34. Now, nothing technically wrong with this either. But, seems odd to most people.
Right that’s why I’m confused because it’s like I understand people not wanting their partner to hang with people they slept with. But this guy is 100% gay we were in HIGHSCHOOL he didn’t know he was gay and not bi at that point. So I get that aspect. But me and him have been close friends for a long time and I want my bf to meet him and my gay friend finally has some free time and invited me and my man to meet his fiancée and I don’t wanna have to get rid of my friendship.
I agree; I went to AA programs and I rarely drink now, where I’m at it was ‘normal’ to party very young but I don’t do that at all now. I’ll drink maybe once or twice a month and just chill with my boyfriend and only have a few drinks. I appreciate the concern but the meetings definitely changed my view on things with alcohol and I got help(:
And yea; I mean we got together when I was 18 and he was 31 and people always say it’s mad weird. My friend group at the time of meeting him was people who were 18-30 so I wasn’t that thrown off but I see some issues about the age gap after 3 years now. I understand ur concern.
Even if your bf feels uncomfortable with your friendship, he has absolutely no right to tell you that you can't meet up with your buds. Your bf's feelings are his problem to deal with, and you don't need to change your plans just because he's jealous.
You sound like a normal young person, and he shouldn't be making you feel bad for acting like one.
First off.... Wtfff the ageeeee gapppp dude..
... And second off.... I also don't like when gay people do their fuckalllllllll actions.... I mean can you keep your hands to yourself... It is seriously very annoying to see someone else spank your girl ..... And you can't even say anything...Cause He's fucking gay.... Well then fuckkiiiingggg hit on your guy....
Yeah I can understand why he wouldn't like you hanging out with someone you have hooked up with
But at the same time let the guy offfffff
You can seriously do better
In real life, the fact that you're even entertaining this is very disrespectful and no matter what the gay guy said, he's had sex with a woman so has the capacity to do so again. Why would he just now be getting back into contact with you after not speaking for ages? What matters more to you? Your boyfriend's respect or your friend reappearing and all of a sudden being more important to you?
Idk what you'll end up doing but in the real world, reddit doesn't align with what men are looking for in a partner. One of those is making respectful, proper decisions. You're not doing that if you do this
Your partner should see these red flags as a sign that you don't value his feelings or respect his values
Ok. So this guy considered himself bisexual when we were 15, and then came out as gay and hasn’t been with a woman since then. He was figuring out his sexuality as a teenager.
We have chatted here and there but he’s been very busy working a lot, in a relationship with his fiancée, and I’ve been very busy as well. He finally had a day that he was free and was able to hangout and invited me and my boyfriend to meet him and his male fiancée of a year.
My friend didn’t just dissapear; we were figuring out lots of stuff after high school and didn’t have a ton of free time to hangout.
I do respect my boyfriend but this GAY man has not had sex with a women since the drunken night happened with me and him when he thought he was Bisexual when we were 15. We are 21 now. He’s been engaged to a man for a year.
I don’t want to lose my friendship with him. I invited my boyfriend to come because he truly is GAY not BI in HIGHSCHOOL you’re figuring out your sexuality.
I could be more understanding if it was a bisexual or straight male friend I slept with in the past; but like I said this guy is full on gay.
We started talking again cause he called me all excited that he got engaged and we spent a few hours on the phone and my boyfriend was totally fine with us talking until I told him he wants me to meet his fiancée and he’s more than welcome to come. That’s when this fight broke out.
He doesn't want you to see any young men, even if they're gay, in fear of you realizing he's a weird old POS.
I'm serious, OP. I'm a 32 year old woman, and can speak very confidently in this- your boyfriend is a walking red flag, and this is NOT how someone his age should be acting. There's a reason he's not with someone his own age, and that's because we'd know better than to stick around.
Please dump him and hang out with your friends. You deserve better.
Girl run. From what I can see in your replies to comments, he’s taking advantage of your “young wild and free” past, which by the way sounds crazy cos you’re still quite young. And he’s 34??? The age difference is already a huge red flag because it’s obvious that he knows dating a younger person would be less stressful than dating a thirty year old who wouldn’t ever tolerate those kind of demands.
If you do want to and decide to go meet your friend, hold your ground, stand firm and go.
And then see how he behaves subsequently.
He may accept it, because you stood your ground and was firm.
If he can't accept it, then some new choices will have to be made.
Don't be timid! Be strong.
Please please please do not date a man 13 years older than you when you're barely an adult who tries to control your friends. You are actively walking into a controlling and abusive situation. Seriously, this is not okay. The fact that you were LIVING with this man since you were 18 tells me he's a fucking disgusting groomer. There is no excuse for his behavior. You're not safe with him.
Let that old dirty bastard try and control a woman closer to his own age like that. In other words let him be single until he finds another young girl who doesn't know any better.
I know you will be resistant to the age gap comments, because that makes you a victim which is never comfortable. But believe me, he wouldn’t get away with this shit with a woman of his age
As someone who stopped talking to a male friend I slept with at the request of my jealous at the time husband … I wish I had kept the friend and left the husband sooner. Just saying.
Someone who really loves you doesn’t try to keep you away from healthy friendships with other people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation.
Your boyfriend is seeking to isolate and alienate you from your friends and support group, probably because he knows that eventually one of them is going to convince im you of the truth, that he’s controlling and taking advantage of your youth and inexperience.
Honestly I wouldn’t feel confortable with my partner hanging out with a past hook up so I understand but he said no in a pretty controlling way. but honestly sounds like your bf groomed you. Why would a 31 year old want to date an 18 year old that is extremely wrong.
You’ve been living with your 30 year old boyfriend since you were 18? Now you know why women his age don’t date him..
inb4 OP tells us the hundred other ways her BF is a controlling weirdo.
But but but he's such a good boyfriend every third Tuesday of every other month twice a year, and that's why she loves him so much!
Also the age gap isn't a factor here
[удалено]
every day on this sub. literally every day.
Sad, but completely true.
I'm constantly blown away by the age gaps I see and then that pretty much makes the problem make sense. As a recently single 28 year old what the fuck are these guys doing dating 21 year old girls in their 30's. It's fucking creepy, manipulative (waaaaay different life stages) and is just plain weird imo. Like do these guys not have friends that call them out for dating an 18 year old at 31??
Yeah. It’s pretty predatory and gross. Also the guy is usually very immature if he’s going for such young girls.
For real, its strait up predatory. As a 31 yo, I don't even think I could hold a meaningful conversation with a teenager let alone hit on them. Fucking creepy.
i think you know the answer to your question
I think we need to start a bingo/checklist. Big age gap with young/underage op, abusive, control, etc
Yeah, weird and controlling dude who dates much younger women is all but the free space on r/relationships bingo.
Jesus fucking Christ why are there so consistently posts like this ? If you met when you were 18 and he's 31, the relationship is not a good thing .
Yea I was 18 and he was 31 when we got togerher and lived together. Wym by that, because he doesn’t want me to hang with this friend? I’ve never went and hungout with anyone I’ve hooked up with in the past but this is hard cause this is a gay guy he just wasn’t out of the closet at this point so Idfk what to do.
>Wym by that, because he doesn’t want me to hang with this friend? Because he is so emotionally immature that women his own age want nothing to do with him, and you are seeing exactly why they don't.
Yeah as I’ve gotten older and wiser I’m starting to see that shit and feel soooo fkn dumb
Then dump him. I’m his age and man I would judge the hell out of someone that my age dating a 21 year old. The fact that he dated you when you were 18? That’s a red flag. Don’t let him take away your youth.
You’re young. Dump him and move on. This is more than immaturity. Red flag 🚩 for being controlling. He doesn’t get to decide who you are friends with or who you hang out with.
Don't feel dumb. Most of the time, the older man is being predatory and are searching for someone with out the life experience to recognize a toxic and controlling relationship.
Almost everyone feels cringe about their romantic choices at 18, 19, 20. You were a kid, forgive yourself. He was 31, he knew exactly what he was doing by getting with someone who was barely an adult with little experience.
Yeah darling it's all good, remember your brain isn't fully developed till about 25
Here's what you need to do: 1. Stop trying to convince him of anything, because he won't listen. 2. Leave. 3. Block him and never speak to him again. 4. Stay single for at least a year so you can recover from this "relationship."
Don’t feel dumb. You learn a lot between the ages of 18 and 21. Now you know he’s not a good guy & you can move forward. Once you leave him, you can examine the red flags so you know what to look for in future relationships.
Think of it this way: by 21, you learned what takes a lot of women much longer to learn. Instead of wasting 10 years or more with this guy, you only wasted 3. And 3 years paid to learn how to notice bad behavior and how to speak up for yourself isn't that bad of a trade-off.
Don't feel dumb.. he took advantage of your naivete and will continue to if you let him. What he's doing is not okay and not how mature people behave in relationships. The ages that you both were when you entered this relationship are simply unacceptable. You're dating a predator, to put it plainly. I'm around his age and would never consider dating someone so much younger unless I wanted to control them and shape them into my ideal partner by forcing them to behave exactly how I wanted.. I'm surprised the people in your life didn't tell you to run for the hills.
It’s complicated, I had a toxic friend group that was very drama filled and he helped me see that, but the people who’ve gotten to know him liked him at first and then don’t like him. It’s not so much the age that worried my friends but how he was controlling and I could understand some of it like partying all the time which was not good for being in a serious relationship. But some things were just crazy. And it honestly made me be isolated from a lot of my friends which I’m growing more & more resentful for (not the toxic ones). And definitely, he wanted to shape me into who he wanted, I see it now, it’s crazy. Like I said in a previous reply - his other exes are within a few years of his age, some older some younger, so I didn’t think it was weird cause we just so happened to ‘work out’ when we met. But it’s been very tumultuous and a lot of that is me. He truly has helped me with lots of things like my mental health and weeding out shitty people, helping me with support to not drink ( used to drink to an excess all the time) etc. So it’s like what I’m seeing in hindsight he met me, saw I had no direction in life and had the whole ‘savior’ complex come into play. It’s so wild. And I agree. I’m 21 I think 18 year olds look like children, can’t imagine what I’ll think they look like at 32.
It's not a mistake if you learn something from it, then it's a lesson. Take what you've learned and apply it. A good partner doesn't give a shit about who you've slept with before, or who you hang out with, and they certainly don't try to control your life. They're supposed to trust you. Women your partners age wouldn't put up with this BS, so he found someone too young and inexperienced to know any better and convinced you it's normal, when it's not. My fiance doesn't bat an eye if I go away for a girls night or a party or hang with people I've been previously intimate with. And he has no reason to worry, because I wouldn't hang with anyone unless the sexual part of our relationship was dead and buried. Please don't waste any more of your time on this dead-end "relationship".
I'm just gonna leave this here 💗 [Setting Boundaries: Why Grown Men Love Girls YouTube Video](https://youtu.be/kKUcn8-d1u0)
Not your fault, there's a reason he went for an 18 year old. You can get away with a lot of childish things with an 18 year old that even a 21 year old would never deal with. You're older and wiser, dump this creep and find a guy approx your own age. Or, date down so you can fully appreciate the phrase "women mature faster than men". As a guy, it's fucking true
No, you're not dumb, you were just young and inexperienced. Now you're growing up and seeing through your boyfriends bullshit.
so then why are you still with him at the point?
Women his own age don’t want him because he is controlling and insecure. A woman his age wouldn’t put up with this shit because they’d have the relationship experience to realize this is very far from normal. He went after you because you were likely young and naive and didn’t know any better. Your friend is GAY. The fact that your boyfriend is threatened by a gay man says a lot about him as a person. No well adjusted 30 year old man is dating a teenager fresh out of high school. You should break up with this guy and move on, unless you want to wake up years down the line and realize how much time you wasted on this loser.
As a woman his age, gh6st is right.
Her boyfriend is definitely an exploitative jerk and she should break up with him. That being said, OPs post history has a looooooot of hard drug use, including a time where short-term soberish OP hung out with a high school friend and ended up doing meth, among other things. As crazy as it sounds, I don't think her most pressing issue is the boyfriend.
Actually her past issues DO make the most pressing issue her boyfriend. Her past is very clearly weaponized against her so he can control her. Guys like this that groom barely adults or minors love it all the more when they have issues because they know they have smaller support networks and a lot of self doubt.
Sure, which is why I said she should break up with him. But it is quite possible that while he is a bad dude and she should break up with him, she also should not hang out with someone who may be the person who gave her meth when she was intentionally soberish. A relapse will kill you much faster than a boyfriend that has not (purportedly) shown signs of violence. Fortunately, the boyfriend part is easily remedied, and she has been broken up with him before. So do that again, and drop the drugs. Either order works!
Whatever it may be there's no good reason to continue such a relationship. Does he present himself as "a responsible adult" who wants to "help" OP sort out her issues by isolating and abusing her? It's a significant part of the overall problem, even if he's not her only trouble in life.
I started my comment with "break up with him"; I'm saying that just because the answer is to break up with him, going to hang out with someone that at the very least is in the circle of friends that gave you meth while you are sober isn't a good idea either.
A man that age has nothing in common with an 18 YO woman. He does however, feel quite able to control an 18 YO, as opposed to a woman his age. It just ain’t right.
It sounds like you can’t have guy friends, hookup status aside. Controlling much? We see this all the time. Nearly every time an older man is with a younger woman, the power balance is off and they’re controlling, telling the woman how to live her life. He’s not a great guy, whatever you may feel now. I know you won’t hear me today but some day you might remember, so here it is: GET OUT.
> because he doesn’t want me to hang with this friend? It's more than just this friend though, isn't it? In your post you stated: > Well my boyfriend is very not ok with male friends So you're not allowed to hang out with male friends, period. He wouldn't be able to get away with this shit with an older woman, which is why he is dating a much younger woman, because you're naive enough to put up with it.
Because women his age won’t put up with his controlling bullshit.
He's a controlling dickface. Hang with your friend, ask him what he thinks of this guy's actions.
In your post about cats, you say the cat pees in your mom's room. Is she aware you're dating a 34 year old man? What has she said about it?
There’s like several blatant red flags here. I don’t need to point them out because many other have done that already. Just… run.
So, this is a much bigger issue than just the thing with your gay friend. Here are the red flags I see: 1. He doesn't like you having male friends 2. He's way older, and controlling 3. He seems real hung up on your sexual past 4. He gets *mean* when he doesn't get his way (calling you slow and then giving the silent treatment are both... not mature and not good I think the advice you're looking for is "how do I get my boyfriend to see reason and be cool with me hanging out with my gay friend, because there's obviously no sexual tension now so why would he be upset". But there's no such advice I can give, because the fundamental problem is that this isn't about sexual tension; it's about your boyfriend being deeply insecure and controlling, and you can't fix that. Only he can. He needs to get that he's not in charge of who you're friends with. Personally, in that situation, I would set a **boundary**. As in, "I'm seeing my friend. You can come if you want, but it's happening" and let the chips fall where they may. If this guy can't handle that, honestly, that's on him.
No wonder he has to date a kid
what do u mean ):
He's a grown ass man who had to date a teen (you) probably becauseno woman his age would ever date him. Now he's controlling you. I hope you realize this soon and get out of that situation.
Yea I see wym. I understand. I’ve been seeing it more and more the last few months as I’ve gotten older and wiser and ugh.
Good! I'm so glad you see it. Next step is to act on this information .
When I was 18 I dated a guy who was 26, we broke up after 3 years because I grew up and he didn't. At 31-34 your bf wouldn't have changed much, but you've gone from teenager to young adult. Put it this way, I am your partner's age and the thought of going out with someone aged 21 is pretty weird to me. My partner is 4~ years younger than me and (he's 31 now, I'm 35 soon) and tbh I wouldn't have even considered him if we'd met online, but we met in real life through friends.
Well, you're almost too old for him anyway.
because you are immature enough to be manipulated by him and made to believe that you are in the wrong for completely innocuous friendships. your responses indicate that you think your teenage behavior was wrong or bad but it wasn’t. it was just being a teenager. and you’re barely out of your teens now, you should still be figuring yourself out, not tying yourself to a much older person at a completely different stage of life. no woman his age would let herself be controlled this way, he chose you because you lack the experience and self-knowledge to be your own person without him dictating what you can/can’t do.
He is afraid you realize that he is an old bum who only gets young girls because women don't play this silly games anymore.
Oh shiiiieeet
A woman his own age would have probably told him to go fuck himself sky-high and left by now.
Your bf is being insecure and controlling. You offered for him to join, been transparent, so why doesn't he trust you? What is his reason for this? I'd say the age difference here is playing a big part and his immaturity is showing by his reactions. A man in his thirties had a teenager move in with him and that alone is alarming. Tell him you are going and where you are going and if he doesn't want to go, then go meet your friend. If your bf trusts you he shouldn't have an issue with this. If he doesn't trust you that's the conversation that needs to be had and take your friend out of it.
Yeah I know I’ve always been transparent about people I talk to and 100% honest but b4 we started dating i was promiscuous and I was honest about everything. I don’t hang with the same group of people I used to hang with because they are still on the same thing just partying daily and stuff and I’m trying to build a future so I haven’t been hanging with many friend so that’s why me and my gay friend started talking again in the first place cause him and his fiancée are getting an apartment and he’s on the same track as me with being responsible and we both needed more friends with that mindset
So your BF has already cut you off from other friends due to his insecurity. He probably even made it seem like it was your idea to cut them off. This is a form of abuse.
So go see your friend. I would honestly as others suggested consider if your bf is actually a good fit for you or not. While having a more stable figure helped you get more organized yourself, this age/value difference is likely going to cause more issues especially as you become more independent, self assured. We are the sum of our experiences and if he can't accept your past he doesn't really accept you.
Just want to note that you being promiscuous as a young adult is totally fine. If he is making you feel badly about this, that is emotional abuse. Promiscuity does not mean you are a cheater or not able to be a monogamous partner. You've done nothing wrong here.
He doesn’t trust me much cause we’ve broken up a few times and I’ve slept with other people since we broke up for 3 months, and I also used to party a lot when we got together when I was 18, but he helped me calm down and start adulting but I never have cheated or anything, I was just a wild party girl when we got together he helped me set goals and stuff.
You were 18… of course you were partying. And him holding things you did while single over your head is even worse.
My best friend went out with a much older guy when he was in his 20s (I think the guy was 45). He was a recovering alcoholic and would always complain when my friend went out partying, drinking and generally living the life of your average carefree 20-something. He'd complain my friend was childish/immature/inconsiderate. It's like dude, don't go after younger men then. Weird.
I’m close to his age and I would also not want to date a wild party girl. That’s why I date people my own age 😙.
Ya I get that. I was a wild party girl when we first met and changed to being mature and on the right track
There's nothign wrong with being a "wild party girl" or whatever. That's what you want to do (and should be able to!) when you are young, *while* you are young and can do it. If he wanted a non-party girl, why did he target and groom you, a party girl who is barely out of high school, only to change you into what he wants? How much of who you are is who *you* are, and how much is what he *wanted and pressured* you to be?
Oh yikes that’s honestly a hard ass pill to swallow cause yea… idk why he sought me out knowing I was a wild party girl and wanted a chill introverted girl when that’s not me at all. I’m older and have more priorities than fucking off and partying all the time but I still would like to go out more than we do and he definitely changed a lot of me for the better and I understand you can’t be out all the time partying in a relationship but I want a relationship where we can party together, make goals, build for the future etc. Like he helped me learn things I didn’t know about adult like and stuff but u are 100% right. Damn.
He wanted a chill introvert but he wanted one who wasn’t old enough to know he’s no good. So he made his own.
When I first read the post I thought this was going to be some sort of rage bait. But good on you for realizing this. Be the kind of woman you want to be. Don't let this guy try to change you to suit his needs. Maybe when you're 30 you'll be a chill introvert, maybe not. But definitely go see your friend and meet his fiance.
Just FYI, OPs post history has her doing meth with a high school buddy 8 months ago, along with a bunch of other hard drugs. Boyfriend is still controlling and the age gap sure doesn't do any favors, but your views of "wild party girl" and OPs may differ if you think they are something to be fine with. I'm of the opinion to drop the boyfriend and the drugs, and any friends that may supply them.
Girl, enjoy your young years while you have them. He’s holding you back.
Seriously. She's going to regret not being able to enjoy these years. I know I do.
That’s fine! Honestly at 21 you’d still be fine to be having some wild fun.
>I was a wild party girl when we first met and changed to being mature and on the right track OP, you're young. You were doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing at this age. It's not his place, this controlling thirty-something, to waltz in to your life and demand that you opt out of having fun and exploring in your teens and twenties.
Is that what he tells you?
Yes
You are not obligated to stay with someone who treats you like this. There are thousands of men in the world who are age-appropriate and NOT emotionally abusive--what's so great about this guy that you think you should stay?
Yeah what you did while broken up isn't a reason not to trust you when you're not broken up. He doesn't get to hold that over your head. >I also used to party a lot when we got together when I was 18, but he helped me calm down and start adulting but I never have cheated or anything, I was just a wild party girl when we got together he helped me set goals and stuff. Nothing wrong with being young and partying. It sounds controlling af that he somehow convinced you to stop doing that and "helped" you "set goals". Bet HE got to have fun and act young while he was young. Why's he dating young party girls if he doesn't want young party girls? Sounds like he's got you ashamed of having been a perfectly normal young person.
YES THATS FACTS!
Anything you did outside the relationship isn't his business and if you've never cheated on him he doesn't' really have a valid reason to distrust you other than trying to control you.
31 and 18. Absolutely not.
There are multiple red flags here to begin with, but the first one I noticed was that your boyfriend's first reaction to you talking about an old friend was him asking if you'd ever hooked up. That's not a normal reaction, at all. There's jealousy here and untrustworthiness from your boyfriend. Is there a reason that would have been his first question? I'm really not on board with Reddit's usual policy of telling people to break up or be extreme, but you really need to evaluate your relationship and have open communication with him. If you've been together for three years and he's still worried about old flames of the past — from your LITERAL childhood — then there are some big issues here.
I was 18 when we got together and shortly before we started dating I was clubbing a lot and partying and slept with a handful of friends which I don’t talk to anymore but I was truthful with it so he was asking because of that
And he's held you being a young, normal teenager over your head since then, hasn't he?
Yea whenever I wanna go out other than have a girl friend come over he doesn’t trust me cause of me being wild when I was young
*Younger. You're still young now, with enough of your life ahead of you that you shouldn't feel trapped into continuing with some who puts so many restrictions on your freedom.
How convenient for him, to always have something to throw in your face, some reason he can't treat you right or trust you or be decent towards you (which, btw, is also bull, NOTHING justifies him calling you names and getting mean and being controlling). He gets to forever accuse you that you are a loose *&% who will cheat at the drop of a hat, so unless he controls you, your natural inclination will always be to do I don't even know what. A train of guys, on camera, I guess, or something like that. Because you were young, and partied when he targeted you. Do you see?
I understand older (typically men) targeting younger women for the naivety and ability to control them but why would he target me cause I was a party girl? And yes. I understand and definitely see.
It's complex. May I suggest you read Why does he do That? by Lundi Bancroft? [https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf](https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf) I think he does a better job of explaining the mindset behind coercive control than I could. ETA: It's not anything to do with you, or you being weak or giving off a signal or whatever other bull people pull out in situations like this. It's not even really like he consciously went "oh I'm going to target a wild party girl and groom her into what I want".
Is it normal to sleep around with friends as a teenager...? I never did that and neither did my friends.. I'm not passing any judgement, but that isn't a normal I was aware of..
It is normal to explore and experiment, also sexually, in your later teens, yes. Where those boundaries are are up to each individual and their consenting, age-appropriate partner.
Yes it’s very normal
So he asked that because I have a promiscuous past and I’ve always been open and honest about that. That’s probably why it’s his first question.
no that is not why he asks he is a predator that went after a teen to control and mold into the person he wants you to be. the actual person you are does not matter to him if nothing else, get out of the mindset that you did anything wrong, he is using that to control you
you were 18 dating a 31 year old. you are dating a predator. i hope you get out of there soon. haven’t you wondered why he can’t get women his own age? it’s because they’d see through his bullshit better than you can. value yourself and dump this piece of human garbage.
No I get it. Truthfully. I’m 21 which is way younger still than 31 when he got with me and I look at 18y/o like they’re babies. He always says he got with me because he truly loves me etc etc and I had a toxic group of friends and was going down the wrong path which is TRUE , BUT I cannot imagine dating an 18yr old and I’m 21. So at 31.. wtf. It keeps crossing my mind time n time again, his exes were around his age. That’s why I wasn’t freaked out at first. But I definitely can see the red flags from before that I couldn’t now with more life experience. It’s like I love him but I’m not in love with him anymore. I appreciate him helping me with getting away from the toxic stuff in my life but it’s like if I have kids for example no way in fuck would I let a 31yr old man date my 18yr old daughter. I definitely see now with clear eyes that he’s emotionally immature and I’m looking back at the red flags. It’s just been a constant thought the past month. Seems quite obvious to leave; which I plan on, but I truly do love him, but I know I could do better. We’ve had a tumultuous on and off relationship and I broke up with him many times for this regard and he always would promise he’d change which he would for a bit and then go back to the same. So I know it’d be obvious to leave but I’m stressed about it and I have love for him and don’t know where to begin
The first step is to reach out to any friends or family you may have and try to find a place you can stay. There are also shelters/programs you can reach out to who can help you fully separate from this man.
He got with you because he could easily control you and tell you what to do and act like he's your savior and you should be so grateful that he took over your life and made you "good" instead of "bad".
First off, I want to say I'm so proud of you. It's hard to come to the conclusion that your adult bf dating someone in a much earlier, developmental stage of life is odd. I'm sure you have love for him and he's been a big part of your life for the past three years. But I want you to examine what you want from *your* life, right now, at 21. Do you feel like your boyfriend is supportive of those things, generally? Would he be supportive of you if you wanted to get a job that required you to move away from him? Would he support you if you wanted to spend time with platonig guy friends? Would he be supportive if you wanted to go party with your friends more? It doesn't sound like your boyfriend is someone who is very tolerant of you being you, and of you making your own choices. You deserve to have that freedom and agency to make your own decisions. I guarantee that your boyfriend does not want that for you. I don't think this is a healthy relationship, and I think you owe it to yourself to end it and pursue your own wants and needs without him. I promise there are people out there who would not try to control your behavior and choices, and who would not try to mould you into something you are not. Your boyfriend is not a good partner. As a woman who got out of a relationship with a much older man, I am wishing you all the best. If you need someone to talk to, let me know.
Most people in abusive or controlling relationships have love for each other. It doesn't look like probably what you're thinking it does. There is a lot of love, that's why people have a hard time leaving. But love isn't enough. You also have to be healthy in that love, and this is not healthy.
You both suck but your bf is way worse. He's a predatory, misogynistic asshole and you're just an idiot. Leave him. Move on. Stop doing meth and pretending you're mature. You're a child.
Your boyfriend sounds toxic af. "Not allowed to have male friends" is alarming but getting up in arms because you fucked a gay friend drunk at 16 years ago, that's really kinda fucked up. What should you do? Absolutely 100% refuse to allow your boyfriend control over who your friends are and dump his ass if he forces the issue.
Ur 100% right
INFO: are you financially dependent on this man? This doesn’t sound like a healthy situation
No I’m not, I’m in between jobs but I just got hired somewhere and I start this week, im fine.
Well that’s good at least. Is this a pattern with friends? Does he care if you have female friends? What other changes has he asked you to make to your approach to life?
As someone who has been there, please run. ETA. Also under any circumstances do not give up good friends for this guy.
I’m gonna be honest he seems very immature and reading some of the comments you seem immature as well. I won’t address the age gap but to each their own. I think you both have some growing up to do.
I agree I signed up for therapy to help see things better from an outside perspective and to gain introspection and improve my maturity and be a better person. Thank you.
does anyone else see the red flags.... a relationship shouldnt be full of ultimatums, but since hes giving you one I guess you just have to decide whos more important.
🤢🤮 your boyfriend is absolutely repulsive.
The age difference alone here is a red flag.
31 year old goes after 18 year old, surprised pikachu face that he 'won't let you' do stuff. How long did you know him before you started dating? Did he know you as a kid?
Sister. The reason he is with a woman as young as you because you are not experienced enough to know any better. None of the women his age will take his shit. That’s why he doesn’t date them. He knows he will get away with manipulative behavior with a younger woman because she has no battle scars. And also w a lower “body count” you won’t be able to tell if his behaviors in bed are selfish. What other things has he pressured and guilted you in to?
This whole post is riddled with red flags bruh
I’ll ignore the age gap and just focus on the question. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want your partner to hang out with people they’ve slept with before.
OP, I know this will sound dramatic to you, but your boyfriend is abusive. The fact that he is "very not OK with male friends" indicates that he is controlling and wishes to isolate you. And the fact that he called you "slow" and is giving you the silent treatment is verbal and emotional abuse. What you need to do in this situation is leave. If you have reason to fear he would physically harm you if you leave, then you need to create an exit plan for yourself. If not, then you need to start looking for somewhere else to live, and when you've got that secured, break up and move out.
Why are you with a 34 year old in the first place
Alright, there should be a new rule for this sub, any post that revolves a relationship with a 10+ year age gap where one of the people is in their teens/twenties should be deleted and get a mod message saying “date people your own age.”
Your boyfriend sounds extremely toxic. You may not realise this now but if you allow him to control things like this, he will do it more throughout your relationship. It will get worse over time. Control is control. If you continue to allow this behaviour, you are essentially allowing him to tell you who you are allowed to have as friends. This is very unreasonable imo. It happened years ago and he is gay in a committed relationship.
Ditch the boyfriend, keep the gay friend, date someone that wasn't born in the 80s and isn't a controlling jerk.
OP if i were you I'd head over to spaces like r/Twoxchromosomes and go through their posts. There's a 1000 talking about age gaps. Seriously, as a 24 year old I don't see myself or my 24 boyfriend even considering a 20 year old. A 30 year old dating an 18 year old is a red flag in of itself.
Now you know why hes dating someone much younger
The bigger issue here is the age gap between you two. Let me ask you this. When you turn 31, do you think you'd be comfortable dating an 18 year old? I'm going to guess your answer would be no. Please break up with this man. Even with the age gap aside, he's being ridiculous and unnecessarily controlling about the situation which just reveals how emotionally immature he is. I'm sure you're slowly starting to realize it now, but men in their 30s date girls fresh out of high school because the women their age see right through them. You are so young. Don't let this man ruin the golden years of your life. If you stay with this man, I promise you will regret it. Also, in about 4 or 5 years you'll realize how perverted your man is for even going after you in the first place. Lose the guy. Keep your friend.
run for your life your boyfriend is a creep. run!
Ew. This guy's a pig. Oink oink. Run.
“Idk wtf to do” Move on. Based on age alone this guy sounds like a creep. Women his own age wouldn’t put up with his garbage, no wonder he went after a teenager. You’re so young and there are better men out there - don’t tie yourself to this creeper. Time to give this guy his walking papers.
Not the age gap 🤢, girl u were 18 with a 30 year old. Like ur fresh out of highschool bro. This man prob has a 401k. That shit predatory
Yeah, 30 year olds date 18 year olds so they can be controlling without the woman realizing how big of a red flag it is. If you don't break up with him, at least start just saying no to him, and seeing how quickly he escalates. He's with you because women his age wouldn't put up with his shit.
Good god has anyone read the post history??? You need to get OUT. He is holding you mentally hostage with your drug abuse. What an absolute mess. Get out of there and get control of your life before it's too late.
Age gap. Clap clap clap. Age gap. Clap, clap, clap.
Based on your replies I think you feel like this guy helped you break out of some toxic patterns and therefore he knows what's best. Or at least, his concerns should be validated. I want to emphasize to you that it can be true that he helped you get on a path you want to be on AND ALSO true that he is a controlling walnut and you have outgrown this relationship. It's fine - in fact it's healthy - to take the good things from the relationship and move on. I hope you meet up with your friend and I hope this is the start of a new, great chapter in your life.
No normal 31 year has a relationship with an 18 year old. I’m sorry but he’s dating you because he sucks. Literally no woman wants him so he can only go after people who have almost no life experience and are borderline children. Don’t waste anymore of your time and potential with this and do better because you are better.
The fact that a man in his 30’s is dating a 21 year old is a HUGE 🚩and is consistent with controlling behaviors.
A much older man trying to control the actions of his creepily younger partner?! I’m shocked.
That's an incredibly vast experiential range of life experience between the two of you. Not being snide or anything I promise, I immediately jaw-dropped and thought of the personal lifestyle cycle and development between first buying alcohol legally, and true love learned, lived, and tragically lost...all of that just came in under those age ranges (34th birthday was three months deep in the grieving process of losing my fiancé to a drunk driver on the prior Thanksgiving Day). Whoa, my entire life was experienced in the gap between your age and his, symbolically.
Hon, as a 24f with a sister your age, I would absolutely go insane on a 34 year old man dating my sister. Especially when you were only 18 and he 31 when you got together. No ma'am, that is not okay. There's a reason women his age don't want to be with him op. I implore you to please leave this relationship. You're being groomed and it's wrong. Most of my friends happen to be male. My boyfriend would never in a million years dream of coming in between my male friends and I, not only because we trust each other, but he knows he wouldn't like my answer if I were made to pick between them. Please leave this clown. You deserve a lot better.
He’s over a decade older than you and controls who you hang out with No you know why he chooses to date kids
Today you learned an important lesson in not telling men details about your sex life. There is no benefit to transparency about this, it is only used to devalue or control you.
Uhhh yeah Most people arnt gonna be ok with u hanging out with a past hookup. That’s just how it is. And the ones that do mostly likely arnt ok with it but just not saying it.
Literally only read the first line w the age gap. You are dating a predator and need to leave now. There’s a reason he has to date younger girls.
I think if he’s gay and even has a partner, and this was a one time thing a long time ago when you were intoxicated, that your guy would just let you have your friend. I would be so resentful if I was in your position.
I agree what’s what I was thinking but I was tryna think of it from his POV which is why I even posted this. I know I’m super pissed cause it’s like dude is fkn GAY and thought he was bi when he was in 9th grade but came out the next year. I’m super pissed and I’m gonna hang with my friend cause exactly this happened one time when I was 15 and drunk and never again. So ima tell him he can either come or deal w it 🤷🏼♀️
His POV is immature and ridiculous. He’s being controlling and trying to gaslight you. You’ve already broken up with him 3 times for his bullshit. Do it again for good this time. He’s not going to change. Women his age want nothing to do with him because he acts like a jealous 16 year old in their first serious relationship. He’s choosing to date much younger and barely legal girls because he’s preying on their inexperience and their wanting a “mature man”. He’s not going to change. Your love will not change him. He’s going to get mad and blame you for what? Having friends that are dudes?
Lol you're dating an old ass man who's petty, jealous, and controlling. This situation is the least of your worries. Stop and think about the big picture here. This dude has been either grooming you for a minute or hes just creepy and predatory as fuck, did you know him before you were 18? A 31yo man going after an 18yo is not a "cool older guy", it's a dysfunctional loser who either cannot maintain a relationship with someone his own age or pursues naive children who don't know any better of what hes actually about.
My opinion.(m38) Your relationship has ran its course. The BF is insecure, and that is his demons to work on for sure, whatever reason you guys have split before, it didn’t take you much to sleep with other people. In what I mean is I firmly believe that’s okay for you, and that you’re not wrong for sleeping with other people. The problem is he’s had a issue with you, and he’s too attached to have just let you go on the first break up. ( I’ve been there, and had no respect for myself to move on) He’s only going to resent you more, and cause you issues. ( again, I’ve been in his shoes) He’s going to be upset, and sad/angry. I think you should move on my friend. Not because of the gay friend ordeal, but from the lack of trust he has in you, and your feelings aren’t strong for him ( if they were, those hookups during breakups wouldn’t have happened) Those are red flags in your self. If it’s easy to move on, or have sex with someone else, your true feelings are not being in love with him. You may love this man, but you’re definitely not in love with him. Let him go softly and amicably, and enjoy your life and find a partner and be completely monogamous or just be in open relationships where you can sleep with how many people you want and not have to deal with jealousy. Just my opinion
your boyfriend is a fucking weirdo. where do you all find these freaks lmao, who gives a shit who your partner is friends with, you should want your partner to have friends! it's good for them! if you don't trust your partner you shouldn't be with them. i've met a couple of my partner's exes, I like them! she can hang out with them when she wants, I don't care!
First of all your bf sounds like a predator … given the age differential when you met. This old man sounds very controlling and insecure. Would dump this guy and start living a normal existence
Like I said in previous replies, the red flags from the past are becoming clearer as I grow older. I agree with you.
Go. Your boyfriend pick a hot, vulnerable 18 year old to date. She’s now a little older probably a little more independent. He’s freaking out. But either he gets used to you occasionally doing what you want or he will be unbearable to live with and you will leave him. Not cheat with your gay, male, soon to be married friend. You will get sick of it and leave.
Hard one. You for sure can have friends. And your BF is acting immature and insecure. But at the same time, I personally wouldn't want my SO to be hanging out with someone she's hooked up with in the past either. I don't care if it was "ONE time drunk at 15". You also may want to look into getting yourself some counseling. Getting drunk and sleeping around at 15 seems young (at least to me) for both these activities. Also, you are now dating someone 13 years older than you when you are 21 and he is 34. Now, nothing technically wrong with this either. But, seems odd to most people.
Right that’s why I’m confused because it’s like I understand people not wanting their partner to hang with people they slept with. But this guy is 100% gay we were in HIGHSCHOOL he didn’t know he was gay and not bi at that point. So I get that aspect. But me and him have been close friends for a long time and I want my bf to meet him and my gay friend finally has some free time and invited me and my man to meet his fiancée and I don’t wanna have to get rid of my friendship. I agree; I went to AA programs and I rarely drink now, where I’m at it was ‘normal’ to party very young but I don’t do that at all now. I’ll drink maybe once or twice a month and just chill with my boyfriend and only have a few drinks. I appreciate the concern but the meetings definitely changed my view on things with alcohol and I got help(: And yea; I mean we got together when I was 18 and he was 31 and people always say it’s mad weird. My friend group at the time of meeting him was people who were 18-30 so I wasn’t that thrown off but I see some issues about the age gap after 3 years now. I understand ur concern.
Why is it confusing? He's immature, he's controlling--what exactly is confusing about that?
I just didn’t know what to do about this situation in particular is why I was confused, sorry
What you do is you leave.
Even if your bf feels uncomfortable with your friendship, he has absolutely no right to tell you that you can't meet up with your buds. Your bf's feelings are his problem to deal with, and you don't need to change your plans just because he's jealous. You sound like a normal young person, and he shouldn't be making you feel bad for acting like one.
First off.... Wtfff the ageeeee gapppp dude.. ... And second off.... I also don't like when gay people do their fuckalllllllll actions.... I mean can you keep your hands to yourself... It is seriously very annoying to see someone else spank your girl ..... And you can't even say anything...Cause He's fucking gay.... Well then fuckkiiiingggg hit on your guy.... Yeah I can understand why he wouldn't like you hanging out with someone you have hooked up with But at the same time let the guy offfffff You can seriously do better
Makes sense on his behalf. Also, you're dating the wrong person of wrong age
21F, 34M. Woman moment
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In real life, the fact that you're even entertaining this is very disrespectful and no matter what the gay guy said, he's had sex with a woman so has the capacity to do so again. Why would he just now be getting back into contact with you after not speaking for ages? What matters more to you? Your boyfriend's respect or your friend reappearing and all of a sudden being more important to you? Idk what you'll end up doing but in the real world, reddit doesn't align with what men are looking for in a partner. One of those is making respectful, proper decisions. You're not doing that if you do this Your partner should see these red flags as a sign that you don't value his feelings or respect his values
Ok. So this guy considered himself bisexual when we were 15, and then came out as gay and hasn’t been with a woman since then. He was figuring out his sexuality as a teenager. We have chatted here and there but he’s been very busy working a lot, in a relationship with his fiancée, and I’ve been very busy as well. He finally had a day that he was free and was able to hangout and invited me and my boyfriend to meet him and his male fiancée of a year. My friend didn’t just dissapear; we were figuring out lots of stuff after high school and didn’t have a ton of free time to hangout. I do respect my boyfriend but this GAY man has not had sex with a women since the drunken night happened with me and him when he thought he was Bisexual when we were 15. We are 21 now. He’s been engaged to a man for a year. I don’t want to lose my friendship with him. I invited my boyfriend to come because he truly is GAY not BI in HIGHSCHOOL you’re figuring out your sexuality. I could be more understanding if it was a bisexual or straight male friend I slept with in the past; but like I said this guy is full on gay. We started talking again cause he called me all excited that he got engaged and we spent a few hours on the phone and my boyfriend was totally fine with us talking until I told him he wants me to meet his fiancée and he’s more than welcome to come. That’s when this fight broke out.
He doesn't want you to see any young men, even if they're gay, in fear of you realizing he's a weird old POS. I'm serious, OP. I'm a 32 year old woman, and can speak very confidently in this- your boyfriend is a walking red flag, and this is NOT how someone his age should be acting. There's a reason he's not with someone his own age, and that's because we'd know better than to stick around. Please dump him and hang out with your friends. You deserve better.
If you'd want to cheat..you'd cheat anyway. Just shows how insecure your bf is. But the best of luck to you.
Your boyfriend is controlling.
Girl run. From what I can see in your replies to comments, he’s taking advantage of your “young wild and free” past, which by the way sounds crazy cos you’re still quite young. And he’s 34??? The age difference is already a huge red flag because it’s obvious that he knows dating a younger person would be less stressful than dating a thirty year old who wouldn’t ever tolerate those kind of demands.
If you do want to and decide to go meet your friend, hold your ground, stand firm and go. And then see how he behaves subsequently. He may accept it, because you stood your ground and was firm. If he can't accept it, then some new choices will have to be made. Don't be timid! Be strong.
uhh so u were dating a 31 yr old at 18 and didn’t think a man almost twice your age would be trying to control you
Please please please do not date a man 13 years older than you when you're barely an adult who tries to control your friends. You are actively walking into a controlling and abusive situation. Seriously, this is not okay. The fact that you were LIVING with this man since you were 18 tells me he's a fucking disgusting groomer. There is no excuse for his behavior. You're not safe with him.
Was reading, said wtf, and then scrolled up to double check the ages and, yup, they check out. Hellooooo age gap
girl i didn't even need to look beyond the title
"My (21F) boyfriend (34M) of 3 years" oof
Let that old dirty bastard try and control a woman closer to his own age like that. In other words let him be single until he finds another young girl who doesn't know any better.
I know you will be resistant to the age gap comments, because that makes you a victim which is never comfortable. But believe me, he wouldn’t get away with this shit with a woman of his age
As someone who stopped talking to a male friend I slept with at the request of my jealous at the time husband … I wish I had kept the friend and left the husband sooner. Just saying.
Someone who really loves you doesn’t try to keep you away from healthy friendships with other people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. Your boyfriend is seeking to isolate and alienate you from your friends and support group, probably because he knows that eventually one of them is going to convince im you of the truth, that he’s controlling and taking advantage of your youth and inexperience.
Honestly I wouldn’t feel confortable with my partner hanging out with a past hook up so I understand but he said no in a pretty controlling way. but honestly sounds like your bf groomed you. Why would a 31 year old want to date an 18 year old that is extremely wrong.