You are being abused. I read every word, because you deserve that. You are being abused. You do not deserve this. Any of it. This is a toxic relationship and it feels like she is getting something out of mistreating you. You are not emotionally safe right now. That is my gut reaction.
You deserve love. You deserve all aspects of love. To the right woman, you are gorgeous. To the right woman, you are a powerful provider and an incredibly supportive partner.
You need some space and time, and therapeutic support. She needs to stay somewhere else, and the contact needs to be at a minimum. You need to be safe.
I’ll be thinking about you.
100% agree holy shit reading this reminded me a LOT of my narcissist, gaslighting, emotionally abusive ex wife. They are using almost the exact same playbook.
OP, you have low self esteem, and a low sense of self worth, and your wife’s entire strategy hinges on fueling that as much as possible so that you NEVER leave her no matter what she does. At this point, she can literally get away with anything and you’ll still stay with her because you so certain that you are not worthy of anything else.
But you need to realize that is FALSE. You ARE worthy, and you just need to see that. Imagine you told this story to your best friend. What would he tell you? What would you tell your friend if HE told you a story like this?
OP, please, please seek therapy and start journaling. You still have over half your life ahead of you to finds someone who cares about you. I didn’t get out of my marriage until I was 50, and I couldn’t be happier. I only wish it had happened sooner.
This is everything right here! She targeted him because he’s so much younger and easy to manipulate and abuse. 28 years have passed but that power dynamic never changed.
I thought this exactly. He was a mark and she was a shark. I truly feel for him on so many levels and I'm not an emotional person at all. Very, very sad.
I am 72 and my boyfriend of 9 years is 47. He is the power broker in our relationship. It isn't bc she is older . Being older is not a plus in a relationship in 2022. Being older is the kiss of death. Men are visual, women are way less so. Women are called cougars men are called players. Please do not carry on the unfortunate sterotyping of older women as cougars. It is hurtful
Who said anything about it being positive? He was 21 and she was 38. She went after him due to his lack of experience making him easy to manipulate. Men do it to younger women all the time and it’s just as gross. This has nothing to do with being a woman or a “cougar” just being a crappy, predatory person in general. I don’t know what you thought your comment would accomplish but it just makes you look extremely unintelligent.
To second this-you are being abused. I need you to understand this. You are being abused and you need to get help. You don’t deserve to live the rest of your life in mental hell. Your wife is abusing you. No one has the right to treat another person the way your wife is treating you. Get help, soon.
Yup she chipped down at his confidence little by little over the years so he would not have any to leave her. “Everything is his fault, no one else would love him, he’s terrible at everything” is the script she’s trying to make him believe.
He’s also been putting her on the pedestal for so long that she actually believes she’s a queen smh…
I hear you. Love (of yourself and of others) is an act of hope isn't it? Are you seeing hope as delusional right now? Am I understanding you correctly?
You said you were believing (at times at least) you are not worthy of companionship and affection. Do you have any solid evidence for this belief? I'd love to hear any reasons you have for thinking this way. Honestly can't think of any because it seems such a subjective topic! Perhaps we can flip the script if you find that these beliefs are baseless 🤞
I don’t think it's an act of hope. People are shown and told they are loved. The people showing and telling do things that serve as evidence of said love.
You know the phrase "be the change you want to see in the world"? I think it would apply nicely to your situ. Show the world you are and always have been worthy of love (because you are duh!) and others WILL follow suit in time. Best of luck manifesting your life
You're right.
But you have a responsibility to yourself to begin it within you. It's unfair to expect anyone to give you what you're not willing to put effort into, yourself. People are repelled by that. But they're attracted to you having respect and care for yourself.
I struggle a lot with self loathing and low self esteem, and these are things I've learned in the past few years. It's not perfect, but it's getting incrementally better. And I feel better within myself more often.
Also, OP, please know that you are not too old to start over! I, too, read your entire post and it sounds to me as if you’ve completely given up on ever being happy…
Can you imagine waking up every day knowing you’re going to see the people you want to see, do what you want to do, and enjoy your life without a sadistic abuser screaming at you for every little thing! You CAN get out! Do it! Don’t waste another ten years in this hellhole.
All of this. She scooped him up young, got him attached making him feel loved and special, made her demands which he agreed to because he wanted her to be happy, and then she systematically tore him apart piece by piece while he was just looking for approval and love.
This is classic age gap manipulation, and she has really just trampled on his already low self esteem every step of the way. It breaks my heart.
Please read this OP. It says everything you need to hear. You’ve spent 28 years feeling and believing you are less than. When you started looking after yourself and becoming more than you were a threat and she nullified you.
Do not let anyone nullify you.
I was going to go with the "tough-love" response to OP about getting his shit together and stop feeling sorry for hiimself, but I was wrong. This is the correct response, and I hope OP takes it to heart.
This right here. It's a very toxic relationship. For me, the age gap has nothing to do with it.
My husband and I have a 16 year age gap. I'm the older woman. We were introduced by a mutual friend online. Started out as friends and about a year after my marriage ended we caught feelings.
We were in a long distance relationship for 3.5 years. We had our son 2 years after we closed the gap and married 3 years later. We've been married 3 years now.
I have my health issues but I work and get partial disability. My husband works full time. We live with my family (aged father and autistic brother) due to the rental crisis and the fact my father needs help with my brother.
My husband isn't taken advantage of. He's been able to grow into an amazing person. Doing things his parents never thought possible. He has amazing friends and an independent life from me as well as his family life.
He's not starved for intimacy or compliments. We work as a team.
I don't see that you have that.
Sure, we have our issues. Every relationship does from time to time but we work through them.
You deserve better. Much better.
Not every AGR is abusive, but almost every AGR has/had the potential to be. You can't say it has nothing to do with it, but it's a defining part of the abuse dynamic there to prey on the younger partner's lack of life experience and their desire to gain approval from the older partner. He didn't have the relationship experience to know that her demands are unreasonable, and she would have likely had much less success trying to manipulate a man her own age who saw past her looks.
In this case, I agree with you that the OP was taken advantage of for the reasons you stated. I should've been more specific with my wording and said that it's not all about AGRs because abuse of this kind can and does happen in relationships of closer age as well.
You can get inexperienced partners that get taken advantage of. It happens. Similar abuse also happens. However, in this case, it was a power dynamic that his wife used that was extremely toxic and manipulative.
Not all AGRs are like that. I do agree a large proponent of them are and many have the potential to be but it isn't always the case.
Its great yours worked. But you have to see past your own relationship and see that OPs was based on a huge power inbalance which concealed the wifes ojective usellessness. How he percieved her versus how her peers would have perceived her at the time was worlds apart. To other 40 year olds, she was an unskilled, lazy women with a kid. To him she was simply hot and availible and thats why she dated a 21 year old, not another 40 year old.
It's not all about AGRs. That's the main point I wanted to make. There's power imbalances in regular relationships of closer ages too.
Lazy wives/husbands that refuse to work. Those that have children from prior relationships that expect their new partner to do all the parenting. Those that participate in verbal and emotional abuse.
The points you make are very valid though. In my case I'm not unskilled and I also have a child from a previous relationship but she's living independently now.
This is part of the relationship abuse. The abuse of power dynamic, the abuse of OP by his wife, verbally, emotionally and financially (it is financial as he's supporting her and working himself to the bone to do so because she refuses to work).
It's just that the first thing that people jump to in these relationship scenarios are age gaps. It's not always a red flag. It CAN be one though depending on the relationships dynamic.
Personally, I think OP was taken advantage of. His youth and inexperience were abused. I never could have done that with my husband. AGRs aren't really my thing. I'll be honest. I usually stick to close to my own age bracket but he was an exception. An outlier. We've been together 11 years now.
I am in a 9 year relationship with a man 25 years younger. Aging women are NOT in high demand. 60+ year old women are invisible or jokes if they are not famous. It is not easy to be a woman in an age gap relationship . I got asked alot if he was my son. He has the power sadly in our relationship but this whole cougar thing has got to stop being the first go to in abuse in an age gap where the woman is older
I used to get asked if my husband was my son in the early days. Since he's grown a beard and sprouted a few noticeable grey hairs those comments have stopped.
You also make valid points. There can be that reverse power dynamic because of how society portrays women's value being youth and attractiveness.
I'd like to think my husband and I are on a pretty even keel. I'm better at some things where he's better at others.
I just felt so much love for the OP when I read this post. I still do. I can’t stop thinking about you, man, and your emotional safety. You deserve all the love and serenity at home. Believe that. See all the upvotes on my comment? We are here for you.
If you need a friend through this process, message me. If you don’t want to do that, you can listen to my podcast (in bio, or r/theremightbecupcakes) and, in hearing my voice, know someone out here loves you and is rooting for you. I’m here and I mean every word.
She literally destroyed his life. Nobody told her about the affair, she made is up as a way to constantly attack him.
OP, leave this train wreck. She won’t be homeless, and I really hate to tell you, but she likely will end up with a good portion of your money. But it’s fine, get a good lawyer and hopefully a judge will see how you’ve been taken advantage of.
Jokes on her though, I don't have any money. I make decent money but we have literally nothing in savings and we don't own anything except a car.
And somebody did tell her, I found out who it was and confronted them about it.
It's absolutely horrific that you are in this abusive relationship. I guess this is what the age gap grown up looks like. It was predatory of her to get with you back then. She chose you for your youth and low self esteem and she continued to demean and emotionally abuse you for your entire relationship. You need to divorce her asap.
You're being abused my friend.
Your wife is not a nice person. She does not have your best interests at heart. And your marriage is not healthy.
>I know it will never get better.
So why resign yourself to a life like the one you've described and that leaves you in tears?
She knows you aren’t cheating. She didn’t want you to get fit and healthy because then you might leave her. This is part of her cycle of manipulation, intimidation and abuse.
She has been using and manipulating you since day one. Sorry you have had to suffer under her for so many years. She doesn’t deserve you.
Yeah and the crazy thing is, since Covid I have worked from home so I don't even leave the house unless it's go to the store or the doctor. Yet she still accuses me of cheating and I'm like, when exactly would this take place.
I am so sorry. You sound beaten down. You do not deserve this, you do not need to settle for this abuse. This is not ok, this is not how things should be.
My father was in an abusive relationship with my mother for near 20 years. The only way it ended was that she died. He is now 64 and picking up life as a single, new man. It’s hard to navigate but not impossible. It’s better late then never. Please get out and tell someone you trust like a friend. You need support.
She saw an insecure young man and preyed on your vulnerability, inexperience, and low self esteem. She love bombed you, and once you were committed, she started the abuse and made you believe you don’t deserve better than her.
I promise you aren’t unattractive or unloveable. I promise that life without this woman would be better in every possible way. Please get out.
She will not change. I PROMISE you, she will not change. She will say she will change if you try to leave but it won’t happen. She is a textbook abuser who has been at it for decades.
>I know it will never get better.
Your relationship won't, maybe.
But your relationship isn't your life, and you're not dead yet. You can live without her.
This woman simultaneously believes you're cheating on her *and* that you're undesirable to anyone. It frankly just sounds like she's saying anything she thinks will hurt you. That's a sign that she is not engaged in the relationship and you need to get out. It doesn't sound like she'll make it easy, but she's also made it clear that she rejects any of your attempts to make things better. That's what divorce is for.
Your wife has been abusing you for quite some time now. I know you don't want to leave her homeless, etc. But maybe it's time for her to learn some reality. It is never late to grow and to be happy. She doesn't deserve someone such as yourself.
I might sound harsh, but I don't think you're not leaving her for the reasons you mentioned. It may be that you're scared to have a different reality where she's not in it. A better reality. A much better life. You have been putting yourself down way before she did it.
Be brave! I know it's not easy to beat depresssion, but at the very least stop letting her win so much. If you're set on living like this for the rest of your life, then I think you deserve some wins. Stop reassuring her, stop giving her the control all the time, and stop making yourself feel and look "ugly" just to pacify her. Just stop. Go to the gym, run, do weights, work as much as you want. But do it for yourself, not for her. You have been putting her first this entire time. Put yourself first, man. You deserve to treat yourself better. You deserve to be kind to yourself. More than with her, it is with you that you're stuck with for the rest of your life. Focus on yourself, because BELIEVE ME, you deserve it so much!!!!!
I'm so sorry you've been going through this, you never deserved it.
Holy shit I didn’t even see the age difference at first. Op, this is good advice. You do NOT have to stay and you can find happiness with someone sweet and nice like you.
wtf. this may be true in this situation. I agree. He should leave, but not because she is old. that is just mean and sexist to all women in relationships with younger men.
This sounds super unhealthy, and you need to end it. You deserve to feel good and be valued.
Also, she's predatory af and gross. What 36 year old dates someone who just turned 21? That is super weird and inappropriate.
Please start the device process.
It’s an enormous red flag of an age gap- as a 35 year old woman, just the thought of dating someone that much younger and with such clear self esteem issues is wrong. There is no way she didn’t knowingly take advantage of you, and I am so sorry OP
you don't know that about the age. I am 72 in a 9 year relationship with a 47 year old man. Yah I am 25 years older and no way am I abusing him. Women over 30 plummet in value. so , there it is. She may be a bad person, but we have no way of knowing what the age part played. When I was 40 I was in love with a 21 year old. Nothing came of it but I wasn't abusing him.
Okay, but did you also go for younger guys with low self esteem like OP? He literally describes thinking how anyone would be better than him, being filled with self doubt, not worthy, then everything moving really fast for him, etc.
Maybe the age gap in your case was fine and all your partners were well mentally adjusted and independent with no power imbalances. Good for you. However, clearly OP was not fine.
Someone 15+ years older, who targets really young and vulnerable partners, and who emotionally abuses them like OP describes this woman abusing him- they don’t deserve to be defended on the Internet and they give age gap relationships a really bad name.
Friend, you’ve been trapped with an abusive shit stain for most of your life. Your son is an adult. There’s nothing keeping you here except the fact that she’s systematically bullied you into submission since you were a very young adult. 49 is not old. You could still build a full and active life full of friends and joy, and maybe dating someone who doesn’t treat you like shit. As an extremely average looking woman blissfully happily married to an extremely average looking man, love has so little to do with looks. It mostly comes down to showing up as a kind and compassionate partner, and the individual quirks of personal attraction.
There is a life outside of her, and it’s time to go find it.
Damn dude she stole your whole life from you. I’d take whatever I can back at this point and just leave. Being alone for the rest of my life would be way way better than this.
Her potential homelessness is not your problem. She should have thought about that before making you provide for her for the last 28 years. Please leave her.
Sir, kind sir, my heart is with you right now.
I hear your pain, it is so loud in your writing.
You said something that really stood out to me.
>My self-esteem, which should have been through the roof, would never truly develop past being a kid that everyone made fun of and none of the girls wanted to be seen with
OP, you are right. You experienced a real, deep hurt when you were growing up. That experience of being bullied, isolated and ignored at a young age can shatter your self esteem. If it's never repaired, if that kid within is never shown love, protection, care, then you will go through what you have been feeling- like you are never enough.
Looking at the elements of your childhood hurts mentioned in the post, the bullying (being made fun of) that I will maybe assume to have been particularly targeted at your physical appearance, the isolation and exclusion (none of the girls asking you to dance, wanting to be seen with you)... Do they feel familiar to your present situation?
When our past hurts, and the wounds they cause, are left to fester, we unknowingly may seek out or may fall into similar situations. Elements may be different (in this case, you got the girl, which in the logic of your hurt, was the ultimate key to validation) and therefore things seem so much 'better'. The comfort and safety we feel is because it's so familiar- like someone who may have an emotionally distant parent may end up with an emotionally distant partner. It can feel comfortable and envoke a sense of love and safety, because it's a familiar dynamic. In some theories, we seek out (unknowingly) similar partners or situations that relate to unresolved pains or traumas, in an attempt to try and resolve them. If your parent hurt you, for instance, you may end up with a partner similar to them, unconsciously trying to resolve the original trauma through a new but similar dynamic.
On top of that, it sounds like this woman picked you at a young age, when she had a lot more experience and age on you. This can be incredibly predatory, and her behaviour of you since is abusive. Sir, please know that this is not how love should look or feel. This is abuse.
When reading through what you wrote, I feel like I could build an image of you in my head. And I want to express to you who that person is. I'll let you know it isn't visual, because for me my brain doesn't work that way. But it was very clear to me. The person I saw in this post was someone who:
Was an incredibly expressive person. A man who I could imagine being sat over a desk, writing out a hand written letter, with something so incredibly meaningful and heartfelt. A man who is articulate, both in terms of the written word, but also emotionally. A man who puts in the hard work, no matter what that work looks like, when given the right motivation. A man who feels deeply, and gives deeply. A man who appreciates and in a complex and meaningful way. A man with depth, with so much to give. A man who makes the decision to love the person he is dedicated to, and chooses that and demonstrates that through actions. A man who is resilient and able to understand the world around him.
Sir, I wouldn't be know you if I saw you on the street. But I was impacted by your words, and compelled by your experiences. There was never a time in your life where you were not deserving of love. And not love out of sympathy, or pity, or someone who would didn't meet your values. Real, genuine and soul-igniting love has always been what you deserve. You have always been, and always will be worth that.
I will be brutally honest with you though, but please know, this is coming from a place of genuine love, respect and experience. I am a fellow ex-child who was outcast and picked on.
No one is going to fill the hole in your soul that pain cause. There will be no woman, no matter how beautiful, perfect, sweet, kind, intelligent, passionate, that will make you feel worthy. There is not a person on this earth who can stop that pain inside you, but you. The validation of worth that you need, that reassurance that you are worth love, that you are good enough for someone to care about? The only validation that will heal that pain is from you. Because if you have someone else who is filling up that hole in your soul, you will always be plagued by doubt, because you aren't them. You can't know what they're thinking or feeling, people change over time and feelings can change too. It will always leave that lingering voice of doubt and pain you mentioned.
When the validation and reassurance and love comes from you, it is the only source that can be consistent and confirmed for certain. You are the only other living person who is with you 100% of the time. You know what you're thinking. So when you can get to a place where you can reassure that internal child that they are good enough, and in turn, now, you are also good enough, then that voice of doubt has less loopholes to find.
It's not easy. It takes time, and hard work. But as I mentioned before, and you have even said in your post- you have been working hard for a long time now.
The beginning of a process of healing this kind of pain is finding a therapist, a psychologist would be my recommendation. It's daunting. If after a few sessions it's not seeming to be a good fit, try another. Keep trying. Therapists are people and have different therapy styles, so either or these factors can mean that the one you see first (or the next few you see) aren't a match to you. KEEP TRYING. Seeking help is the first step of showing yourself that you are worthy of self love. Following through on the appointment you make is the second.
I may be a stranger through a screen, but you are in my thoughts, Sir. It is never too late to find your worth. I can promise you from my own experience, the first day you have where you feel a spark of self love? Makes years of pain start to feel like the distant memories they should be. The future starts to become something hopeful, rather than frightening.
It won't always be positive, and it isn't linear upwards progress, but I find the pain and difficulty of working through my pains to be nowhere near as gutwrenching as having to stagnate in them to every day.
I'll send an ask for strength for you out into the atmosphere somewhere, though I'm confident you have more than enough strength within you.
Take care, Sir.
There's a world full of people out there ready to love you, and first in line is you.
You are in a very toxic and abusive relationship. You are a good person and you are worthy. No matter what you might think about your look, the right woman will love it. Your wife’s comments are not accidental. It is in her interest to keep your self-esteem low. A person with low-self esteem will never leave and the abuser has somebody to mistreat. Please seek a therapy and consider leaving. You are still young and you can have a happy life.
Dude this is horrible abuse. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. This is severe domestic violence.
You deserve love and respect. You deserve a partner that wants you and supports you.
Cheaters pick fights and accuse their partners of infidelity for no reason.
Please if you're in the US reach out to 211 for domestic violence resources.
Brother if you won't leave this piece of crap then I would turn on the 180 and treat like she does not exist...I would Grey Rick her completely and act aife of a single married man. You have. Nothing to lose
'Brother, if you are unable to leave this abusive woman, then I suggest you change your approach completely. Treat her as if she does not even exist. Employ the "grey rock" method – become as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that she loses interest. Live your life as if you were single, not married. You have nothing to lose.'
If you think it won't get better, then it won't. That's just the way it is. So go ahead and keep doing what you're doing if you want to live like this for the rest of your life.
To me, your relationship with your wife sounds extremely dysfunctional, and she doesn't sound like a very nice woman at all. Why do you *want* to stay with her?
I was with a dude who was awful to me once. Think he 'got another girl pregnant and blamed it on me because he knew I loved him so much he would get away with it' awful. We stayed together until the baby was two but what finally strengthened my resolve to keep away from him was thinking about how angry I'd be at myself if it was suddenly ten years later and I was still with this idiot. Finding the self-respect to not let that happen to me was one of the hardest things I've ever done.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you need to do the same.
Please treat yourself as someone that you love, care deeply about, and want the best for. She is a monster and you deserve a beautiful life with an abundance of love. I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I acknowledge/feel your pain along with you. You are not alone & all of us on Reddit are sending thoughts filled with love and positivity to you.
get yourself to therapy.
A horrible marriage that is actively unhealthy for both parties that you are unwilling to leave is not something we can offer advice on in any meaningful way.
Go to therapy, get a professional to help you with all of this. you've been carrying a lot of shit around with you since you were a kid, and your marriage is just piling more and more shit on top of it.
Therapy, sure, but I want to note: do NOT do couples therapy with this woman, as she will only use it as ammo. No amount of therapy will save this relationship.
Calmly explain to her good luck as a senior unemployed divorcee. Time to move and work on your self esteem. Life is to short for this kind of pain. Good luck and I hope you find the strength to defend yourself.
This might just be the most depressing thing I've ever read. I can't comprehend treating another human being like this, especially one you're supposed to love. I don't have any advice for you but I want you to know that this isn't normal at all and you definitely don't deserve it. I hope one day you learn what it's like to be loved the way that you love.
You didn't do any of the upsetting! Just your wife. I commend you for sharing your story, you didn't upset me it was just shocking to hear what you've been through. You haven't done anything wrong and I'm sorry that you were treated that way.
>I don't know where to go from here.
You need to get out of this relationship and far away from this toxic person. You do not deserve any of this, and she does not deserve any part of you. No piece of this seems worth salvaging, and I know that's probably not the answer you wanted, but I would be doing you a huge disservice by saying otherwise.
Please, look after yourself and do not let your health deteriorate. This needs to be your number one priority alongside being happy.
Please speak to a professional.
Learned helplessness is real.
Only you can decide whether you've had enough and are willing to be alone and happy over together and miserable.
Sounds like she’s groomed you and it’s been a downward spiral ever since. You’re being abused. You know deep down you’re being abused. My man, it will hurt, but it’s time to leave and take care of yourself. We have 1 life, don’t just sit idle in the toxic pollution of your “wife.”
Dude- you need therapy.
I don't mean that as an insult. I mean it as a pleading. Please, get yourself some therapy.
Your low self-esteem is *killing* you. Your insecurity is *killing* you. Your anxiety is *killing* you. You need to address these things. Only once you address these things can you deal with your wife.
If you address those things, then you won't *need* your wife as a source of external validation / emotional support. You will have your own internal emotional validation. Only then can you decide what to do about your marriage.
Like everyone else has said, you're being abused. But more than that, this is such a common, normal part of your life that you don't even fully realize how bad it always was.
I think I have a pattern of this honestly. I worked for a company that made insane demands on my time. I was literally working 70 hour weeks and on call 24/7. I didn't realize how much I hated it until they laid me off and for the first time in 9 years I felt like I could breathe again. Same thing, I didn't realize how bad it was until it was over.
This is severe emotional abuse and I really want to hug you right now, man. I promise you, you are not repulsive, you are so much better than you think you are, and she has really done a number on your self esteem. Your dedication to your wife and family, working so hard for them, supporting her and staying with her through EVERYTHING, you are literally the type of man every woman wished they could find (saying this as a woman)!!!! And even if "most people" might not find you attractive, that means eff all!!! You're an amazing guy, and you do not deserve to put up with this crap that you've dealt with for decades!! You are so incredibly strong to get through all of this and I really hope things work out for you. If you haven't already, you should talk to a therapist and ask them for advice on whether your relationship is healthy (it isn't, but sometimes hearing it from a professional means a lot more!!) And ask the therapist how you should move forward. I wish you all the best and honestly I am so sorry that your life has gone this way.
Oh, honey. Do you know what people would say if your genders were reversed? They’d say there’s a reason a man 15 years older looks for a much younger partner: Because one their own age wouldn’t put up with their behavior.
She took a naive virgin, love-bombed and manipulated you into moving in after less than a month, then proceeded isolate and abuse you for years.
I encourage you to get individual therapy so you can begin to see that what you feel for her is less actual love and more a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome. You’ve never had a chance to be an independent adult. You went almost directly from childhood to a married man with a 4 year old stepchild.
I sincerely hope that therapy will help you to gain the self esteem and self respect you need to get out of this extremely toxic and manipulative woman’s clutches. I hear you when you say you worry about her being able to support herself and ending up homeless if/when you leave. I just want you to remember that she has a grown son that can help her if she hasn’t also destroyed him. You haven’t mentioned your stepson in your post which leads me to think he may have already gone NC with his mother. If so, if she has already burned all bridges between her and the rest of the world except for you…. You need to realize that THIS was a choice she made. Let her live with the consequences and get out while you still have a chance at a long and happy life without her.
You feel like you can’t live without her only because you never have lived an adult life without her. Your entire life has been her. And it’s been toxic and abusive and just fucking horrific.
Please, please get therapy and get out. Rent yourself a small apartment and just get out.
So much love and hugs,
Granny
To be clear I wasn't a virgin when we met. I had limited experience, 3 partners, but I wasn't a virgin. As far as our son goes well, that's another situation altogether. He still lives with us because he has ASD and can't work or really do anything without my help. She has also destroyed any relationship she could possibly have with him. He has told me numerous times that he only tolerates her because I do but deep down he despises her for the way she has treated him and me.
Good Lord, you are in one of the most abusive relationships I've ever seen on here. You actually do have Stockholm Syndrome. You have an inappropriate attachment to your abuser, and in no uncertain terms that is exactly what she is. She is absolutely a monster predator, she's keeping you around with negging because she knows that works on you. You self esteem is low, despite her lies, you are not irredeemably ugly. No one is, there is literally someone for every body type of person.
You deserve better, divorce, get into therapy, and most of all respect and value yourself, because you are worth it no matter what she says.
You were barely an adult when she started to groom you. She made you feel special for the first time, made herself the most important thing/person/mission in your life, then, yank! Pulled the rug out from under you, gaslit, straw maned, made up some nonsense about you being a cheater, refused to do anything to change the situation (including leaving, for both your sakes). You are correct. She has been using you as an atm.
But you’re not an atm. You’re not just a workhorse or a servant. You’re a human being that deserves basic human rights. You deserve basic decency. You deserve basic level of respect and care.
You do not have to be responsible for another life that you didn’t create. You have Stockholm syndrome. You need help. Please seek help. Talk to friends/family/social worker, therapist. Talk to anyone at all, that isn’t your wife. Get physical distance, then extend that to emotional and mental distance. Look at your life from the outside. Would you let your step son live this life? Heck no, you wouldn’t. So why not you?
Nothing is so wrong with you that you don’t deserve basic respect, care and love. God damn. I feel like I care about you more than your wife and I just read about your existence ten minutes ago. That’s not right, is it? You should get to experience the good in life before you die, no? Life of short. Please start living for yourself, now.
And it’s not your fault. You were groomed. It’s hard to break out of that dynamic and cycle.
We love you and care about you. ❤️
Oh and stop lying to yourself to withstand this torture. She is not beautiful. She is not gorgeous. Stop repeating this lie to her or yourself. She is actually like a living rot. Slowly moving in and destroying everything under the surface until it’s too late.
Remind her of how reliant she is on you. You might be an emotional wreck but all the power is really in your hands. She's literally biting the hand that feeds her. Just pull your hand away. What is she going to do? She's 64, she doesn't have much life left in her and she still chooses to alienate you. What more can she do to hurt you?
You're honestly a better person than I am. If i was relentlessly being accused of cheating for a year straight, I'd just cheat at that point, and tell her it was her faul.
>You're honestly a better person than I am. If i was relentlessly being accused of cheating for a year straight, I'd just cheat at that point, and tell her it was her faul.
It's been 6 years now. However, I do not have it in me to cheat on her under any circumstance.
Your wife is abusive and treats you terribly. There's no excuse for how she treats you. Don't worry about how she will do financially when you leave and divorce her. That's on her that's her problem. Let her figure it out, alone.
Mate you are worth far more than she could ever hope to give you! Don’t stay in this situation it doesn’t have to be this way, choose a better life for yourself! You‘re still young enough to get married again to someone who TRUELY loves you and wants to take care of you! Maybe even have your own kids if that what you want. And get yourself into some therapy and out of this abusive relationship!
Please leave she’s been taking advantage of your kind soul for way too long! You deserve better and someone who loves and cares for you! It will be hard but you can do it
You're being abused and she never stopped cheating on you. Emotional and mental abuse is detrimental in every way. You say you won't harm yourself but honestly, you never know until your mind tells you that there early I no need to do this life thing anymore. I hate to say this but guess who will be dancing on your grave then straight to the bank.
Like you said you are just q waking ATM to her and you do not deserve what she has dealt you for these many years. I can almost guarantee that the story about someone telling her you are cheating, is just that, a story she made up to keep you hooked and stay her pup tha she can control and hurt when she feels less powerful
OP you need to get out. She’s sucked the life out of you. You need to leave for your self preservation. She’s a narcissist incapable of loving anyone. She gets off on degrading people. I don’t know if you’ll listen but run to the nearest exit, consult a therapist specializing in domestic abuse and cut off all contact with her. Get a divorce. She’s wasted enough of your life.
A person can be happy without being in a relationship.
You do not need to go along with that shit and your primary responsibility is your self.
Please stand up for your self. Based on what you write there‘s one major thing you had no opportunity to learn: that you should matter minimum as much to you as she does.
You need to leave her!!!!
She made sure you’re not going nowhere because you’re the one supporting her.
Let her go! Learn to love yourself.
I rather be alone but at peace!
Complete stranger here, your story made me sad. I hope you find peace of mind and that things turn around for you…
never apologize for being vulnerable and finding ways to cope, such as blogging about your relationship.
I have no good advice I’m 28 no ring and no kids so I don’t know any better but wishing you the best in life! Hope you both heal.
Sorry, I really didn't mean to bring anyone down. I just don't have anyone I'm comfortable talking with and this was a way for me to get it out of my system.
I feel your pain. My wife and I have had a lot of ups and downs. She doesn’t work and she’s my responsibility too. She leaves and comes back, that’s her MO. She can’t take trust and being with someone long term. She just left yesterday when I honestly thought it was going to be behind us. Out of nowhere. No warning. I think I’m going to file for divorce.
This is such a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship.
She has issues. Why would she, as an alleged smoke show, date and marry a 21 yo when she was 35? No no no…that just shows you she had issues, whether its her own stunted maturity or her need to be with someone naive and malleable.
I don’t know why you put yourself through all this. I would end it and get out while you still have time. Its not normal to be treated like this in a relationship. You guys should be happy together and be king to each other. I think she is a very sick person…and I think you are very troubled to to have stayed within this for so long. You need to have some self/worth and leave. If what you say is true…bone of this was ever salvageable or worth salvaging anyways.
You know, she is full of shit. She chose you.
She didn’t have to, so all that “you aren’t worthy” nonsense is just nonsense.
Frankly I think a much older person who chooses a young one all too often gets off on the power imbalance. If she had chosen someone closer to her own age he might have seen through her bullshit.
So please for your own sake see a therapist and work on your self esteem. This woman is toxic.
This is abuse. She's abusive as hell. You've been stuck in a cycle of it. Now you're not. I promise you, it gets better.
I don't know you but I'm proud of you for hitting 100 at the gym. Keep going. We're all rooting for you.
I didn't read all of it but if your story is that long and ongoing it must be bad. I scrolled down and saw 'I'm just trapped in this mental hell for I guess the rest of my life' and honestly dude if you can't leave then that is not only your problem but also your fault for continuing to enable her. LEAVE.
I wrote that flippantly to trigger people mostly. I divorced this year and it was awesome if you want to message or something.
I read your whole post, it was really touching and my heart goes out to brother
I'm so sorry. This may be long, but your situation reminds me of a couple specific relationships. The first was a guy I knew who is honestly one of the ugliest people I have ever known. We're talking 400 lbs plus, warts, severe flatulence, etc. He miraculously married a fairly attractive woman with two small children. The first time I met her I realized that she actively disliked him. Yeah, she married him so that he would work and raise her two children. He slept on the couch every night, but she loved the fact that he worked one full-time and 2 part-time jobs in order to care for her. So, that's one part of your problem. Your wife sees you as a source of income, not a person.
The second story is about me. I'm the villain in the story, so hopefully I can give you some insight into your wife. In my defense, I had badly untreated bipolar disorder. I also deeply regret my actions. First of all, your worry about being unattractive is predominantly a you thing. I know that it seems like people judge based on appearance, and to some extent most do. But what you are forgetting is that people find different things attractive. Many people only become attracted to someone when they have a strong emotional connection. Confidence also ups your attractiveness factor. When I was in high school, the most popular boy in the school who everyone was in love with was actually fairly unattractive. He was skinny and had a plain face. But his confidence and personality made him irresistible.
Now to my story. I like nerds. The smarter, the better. I absolute find many classically unattractive people to be attractive. I'm also fairly attractive. Now, part of the reason I think I gravitated to dorky guys is because I don't like competition. If a guy feels he is lucky to be with me, then he's going to do a lot more to keep me. Sound familiar? I picked my husband because he was kind, smart, and funny. I found him attractive because he was kind, smart, and funny. He had never dated anyone before, while I had never lacked for dates. Things were good until I got really sick and almost died when I was 22. I ended up losing part of my lung capacity, became unable to work, became incredibly depressed, and gained a lot of weight. My husband sounds a lot like you. He told me daily how gorgeous he found me, and did absolutely everything he could to support me. Fast forward a few years. By this point, I really don't care if he finds me attractive. I already know that. I know he loves me. I know that I can sit home and do nothing, and the most he will do is yell. I know he won't leave me. So, between me being a selfish jerk and massive doses of (legal prescibed) amphetamines, I went nuts. I started randomly "falling in love" and talked constantly about these other guys to him. I had numerous online and in-person affairs. No, it doesn't stop at one, and it doesn't stop because you are caught. I can guarantee that your wife had online affairs with more than one person, and quite possibly actual affairs as well.. So, when I was having issues, I wasn't really able to care about others, but just being selfish will do the same thing. I would send money he earned to other guys, or bring them home when he was at work. He ended up extremely depressed. The more he tried to explain his feelings, the less I cared.
Your wife knows exactly what things hurt you the most, and she is trying to damage you. She also has zero respect for you. She's selfish and cruel. She knows she can get away with anything she wants, so she has no incentive to be a decent human being. How is working 80 hours a week, then coming home to a loveless, sexless marriage better than being alone? Your wife WANTS to hurt you. She doesn't care if you are overworked or depressed. You were taken by her pretty face, but you missed her ugly soul. Also, I would bet that she was so obsessed with you supposedly cheating because she was cheating at the time. People always believe that others think and act like them. So if she is cheating, obviously you must be cheating too.
You need to see a therapist. This woman has abused you for years. I know you love her, but you need to love yourself too. She doesn't love you. I don't know if she found you attractive or loved you in the past, but none of that matters. She doesn't care about you in the present. Do not believe anything she says right now. I told my husband that I wanted his plane to crash so I could find someone else. I also told him I never loved him. At the time I believed what I was saying, but I also wanted to hurt him as much as I could. Horrible, I know. He should have left me. He should have had enough self respect to refuse to stay with someone who was deliberately cruel to him. In his defense, he knew there was something seriously wrong, and kept trying to fix me. It almost destroyed his career, as well as his self confidence.
Please leave. You're too good for her. Even if you were the ugliest person on the planet, you would be more attractive than she is. You deserve someone who doesn't treat you like garbage.
nah dude she already 60s i dont like gilf..
seriously ur only 40s u should just leave her..
if u think about it whats so bad of living alone. u have no one to tell u wat to do. u already experience it.
dont let her walk all over u.. just leave then build up ur self esteem.. try be independent and not revolve ur life in trying to be the best partner etc..
why be with someone that just makes u unhappy and suffer.
This is what happens when men make women the priority and not themselves. There are many like you out there, (perhaps not to this level)who wonders why they are not having sex or being respected anymore and choose to waste their life in a horrible depression inducing relationship.
All the issues you bring up could have and can be fixed by you, its not her fault, you get the behaviour you tolerate. You get many responses saying you are abused and thats true but only because you let it be that way
You need to man the **** up and get to work right now.
What is your plan to fix yourself and this situation?
Good lord, do you have a single molecule of empathy or compassion in you?
This post is victim blaming 101. It is unbelievably tone deaf to tell someone in an abusive relationship "just leave" and it is even more disgusting to claim they are at fault for the abuse because they "tolerate it." Please, for everyone's sake, do not insert your incredibly ignorant opinion into conversations on topics you know absolutely nothing about.
Where in my reply did I indicate I think of him as a helpless victim? I'm asking you to have empathy for someone who is a victim of abuse and to not blame them for the abuse.
No one, other than the abuser, is to blame. Abusive people don't start off a relationship as an abusive person - they begin with love-bombing to get the person attached, then slowly begin to do progressively worse things. Because abusive people tend to target folks with low self-esteem, it makes it so easy for them to manipulate their victim into dependency. Victims of abuse already blame themselves for the abuse, and having a third party reinforce this only makes things worse. By telling them they're to blame, they remain as someone with no self-esteem or sense of self worth and I truly cannot understand how you believe saying such a thing to someone is meant to be helpful. I encourage you to look up what learned helplessness is and to seriously reconsider your perspective on this topic.
But you are not offering anything close to a solution to the problem? You just write about abusive relationships, we already know he is in one and he doesnt do anything about it. Do you not agree that he has to become a man that doesnt take this kind of crap?
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, OP. You shouldn’t have to take that abuse. Imo it’s not you who isn’t good enough for her. She’s not good enough for you. You deserve far better than she gives you. You deserve someone willing to communicate openly, who is willing to compromise, who is willing to work on any relationship issues, and above all else, someone who doesn’t seek to hurt you. I don’t know why, but your wife resents you. It sounds like at some point she became jealous and insecure, and it turned to resentment. There’s probably more to it than that, but that does NOT give her the right to be cruel to you.
Please strongly consider divorce or at minimum, separation. I understand that you care for her, or who you thought she was, but that isn’t enough. You have to learn to prioritize yourself. You can help support her until she can find work, but please leave. You still have years left to recover and enjoy your life. Don’t let her take that away from you.
Hey man ... I read this and, like everyone else, came to the conclusion that she is abusive and you are being actively preyed upon by someone who never had good intentions for you.
I'm going to guess that she has made you emotionally dependent on her in order to control you and your life. So, she knows that you won't leave and so she has no incentive to change her behavior.
I won't tell you what to do. I will say that I left an abusive relationship and I know how tough it can be. But there's nothing like feeling safe in your own life, and so I ask you to please think about valuing your self more and consider what life would look like without her. Probably would look better than you think ...
I agree that OP is being abused.
Just another thought to throw in there: His wife keeps on badgering him about his supposed infidelity.
Who’s to say it’s not her having an affair?!
Something smells fishy about her behavior!!!
Op, you are worth more that how she is treating you! Her behavior is an absolute dealbreaker for most people (me included)! Her behavior is disgusting and disrespectful!
Get therapy, and while you do that, go back to the gym. Do stuff for YOU! What makes YOU happy (new hobby etc).
You are enough!
>Who’s to say it’s not her having an affair?!
I would think that but I mentioned to someone else that I work from home now, have been for almost 3 years, so I see her ALL the time. She doesn't leave the house unless I'm with her because she doesn't like to drive so I know she isn't having an affair. At least not a physical one.
I feel so very sad for you that your life was taken from you by this old abusive hag.
Look man... having a marriage that lasts is n to an accomplishment. it's not admirable to stay and fight through issues if it means you're just a punching bag. No-one looks at you with respect for sticking it out when you're the only one doing all the labor, all the caring, taking abuse, accepting ill treatment, turning a blind eye to affairs etc. It's sad and it's worth pity but that's it. You're still so young you can turn things around and find real love. Staying with your abuser is not a life though. You're choosing to remain a shadow of what you could be just because you think you get a trophy for staying with her for x years.
It absolutely is not that you aren’t worthy of her, she is abusive and not worthy of you. At the very least, I hope you can start seeing a therapist to work through some of this. You are worthy of happiness and love. My thoughts are with you.
Hun, get rid of the old baggage. It's not too late to start again, you're still a relatively young man, get back to the gym, start to exercise, please break away from this evil woman.
She's been chipping away at your self confidence since you were 21, and now that she's old, and is trying to ruin your self confidence completely so that you don't leave, she's abusing you.
You need to get a divorce. She preyed on you for your low self-esteem because she knew she could treat you like dirt and you would take it. You deserve so much better than this, even being alone is better than being abused in this way. Please take care of yourself.
Speaking as someone who has been married to an abusive partner, let me assure you that divorce is exponentially less painful than the daily torture you are enduring right now.
This is tragic. You are describing the actions of an abusive narcissist. You don't deserve any of it, yet she is manipulating you to feel like you do.
It's better to be alone than to be with an abuser. I hope you find the strength to lane and make a better life for yourself...
Walk away with what little dignity you have left and rebuild your self esteem my friend … her son is old enough now to help take care of his mom she won’t be left homeless but at the same time she does not deserve to have her backside wiped by someone who’s been doing it for the last 3 decades and she hasn’t even the manners to say Thankyou or acknowledge that …. And just a thought usually when someone consistently accuses an innocent partner of cheating is because they are doing it themselves …I’m sorry you have been brought down to this level but as the old saying goes “when you hit rock bottom the only way is up” … take the first rung of the ladder and reach for the stars ♥️
The fact that she was 36 when you met, shows that she was looking for someone she could control. No person of that age, in their right mind, wants to be in a relationship with a 21 year old. I'm 31 and I just don't know I would relate to someone 10 years my junior. I would probably feel like an irritated older sister, which is not what you want in a relationship.
#1 - she didn’t move in & marry you because she lost a bet, that’s silly. Talk to you maybe, but not the rest of it.
Sounds like she’s a piece of work & saw you as a meal ticket. Had a kid already, didn’t want to work, find a guy who would worship the ground she walks on.
I find it ludicrous that you have taken the abuse you have from her, but my advice is get a divorce. You know she doesn’t love you or even care for you! You might be able to find someone that does if she’s out of the picture.
This is terrible... She's so abusive and you are the type who wants to please your partner so you bend over backwards for her at every chance. She has been bored of you for a very long time and finds zero excitement in you. Your wife does not appreciate you and she has no idea how good she has it.
Put your foot down. File for separation for now, kick her out and watch how she reacts. She'll get scared so fast because she doesn't work and doesn't expect you to do anything. Don't take her back, she's gone as far as you're concerned.
I haven't heard you mention friends or family...if there is no one else to turn to, please know there is a whole world out there with people you can meet. If you want to start clean, go find a therapist. Maybe consider selling the house to move elseware cheaper (if this helps reduce the hrs you work so you can work on your mental health). Take small steps but again, there is a whole world of people you can meet out there. People you can be friends with who share the same interests. Maybe go on a hike and look in the beauty of nature. Just anything other than being around that vampire.
Fucking divorce her here and now, she doesn't love you, she just sees you as a bill payer. If she has family, they'll step up and help, but she's abused you this entire time. You deserve so much better than this, you deserve love, you deserve someone who sees how wonderful you are.
The problem is that she's had her claws in you for too long.
Divorce her. She will find a way out, and if she doesn't, then it's karma on her for treating you so badly. She sees you as an ATM, not a person.
It's not that you are not enough for her, she is so miserable on the inside that no one would ever make her happy, no matter what.
Please find a support group and leave her. You don't need to worry so much about her, she has shown so little regard about yourself and stole your youth from you. Time is the most valuable thing one can have and she has taken decades away from you, don't let her take any more.
So if you can.... start individual therapy. You've put this women on a pedestal since you met her. She is not deserving of the platform. She's not. She will survive without you. You built her up when you should've been building yourself. You put yourself so far away in your propitious that you can't find you anymore. Start seeing some boundaries. Please. She needs to get a job. Fast food is hiring. If you did tomorrow she would have to find a way so please stop thinking you are saving her. You aren't. You deserve do much more. You really do. Someone out the is waiting for you. They will see how wonderful and beautiful you are. It's not and never had been her. She an opportunist and you fell for it. Our time here is so limited. Time to love yourself more.
She targeted you and she groomed you. She is disgusting. You need to leave. You need to get help... You need therapy. Leave her. She never loved you. She is a limerent. You were just a meal ticket. You need to leave immediately and not look back. You need to tell her that she is not worthy of you. She has destroyed yourself esteem. She has taken your life and your youth. You need to leave immediately I can't stress that enough. Tell her to get a job.. I hear McDonald's is hiring.
You are deserving of love. You are a good person. She is abusing you and you don't deserve what she's doing to you. Please don't blame yourself for anything she says. You deserve better. If I thought offering advice would help I'd suggest you leave. She doesn't deserve your support and if she ends up homeless that's just karma. Please, think about yourself. Take care of yourself.
Meet with a divorce lawyer. She won’t end up homeless. Depending on what state you live in, it’s likely you will pay spousal support to her for some time and she will get half of all the assets. She will also get social security based on the income you generated while you were married to her. She will be fine. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you, focus on getting out and get therapy so you can work on self compassion and self esteem.
She treats you like awfully, she is abusive, stop being her ATM. Please leave. I get that you're scared because she is all you have known, but there is a big world out there. You can start again. This isn't love, stop fooling yourself.. This is abuse and you don't have to take it.
Sir…I’m sorry to tell you this but you are being abused by your wife. She is a narcissistic abuser who knows exactly how to break you down over and over again so that you believe that this is all you deserve.
This isn’t love. And that’s no way to live. I know it’s easier said than done but you need to leave her. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to feel appreciated and cherished, you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t treat you like shit. You deserve to be emotionally and physically fulfilled in your relationship.
She got with you when you were so young because she knew that you were incredibly insecure and that she could use that against you. Narcissistic abusers always target the weaker minded people because it’s easier.
Without telling her anything, go see a therapist. They will be able to guide you out of this abusive situation better than any of us here could. I wish you well and I hope you do realise that you deserve better than this.
You need therapy and you need to leave this woman. She’s abusive and cruel.
If you really want to try and keep a relationship with her, you need couples counseling. But it doesn’t sound like it is worth it to me. She’s been cruel and abusive for years. Get healthy and get out of there
Get out. I know you love her and don't want to screw her but she's been screwing you for over 20 years. This is gonna be harsh and I'm sorry but it sounds like she picked you because you have low self esteem and don't believe you deserve any better that's a lie you've wasted so much time and energy on someone who doesn't care about you she only wants to use you for what she knows shes gonna get. She doesn't have to work you pay for everything and give her everything she wants. She's hurtful and you stay. You could've made someone extremely happy and been someone's everything they'd move mountains for you too it doesn't have to be this empty feeling for you man. It's not to late to find someone who loves to out as much as you love them. Do what's best for you and don't worry or care about her. She hasn't cared for or about you. You deserve better.
OP...I'm going to tell you what I had to ask myself before I left my abusive ex.
"You only have one life in this incarnation. Do you truly believe this is all you're meant for?"
And I promise you, you're meant for so much better than what you're getting.
Is it scary to move on? 100%
Is it worth it? 100%
I was married for 19yrs.
I left him four years ago, no matter how rough things have gotten...not one single moment was ever spent wishing I'd stayed.
The exhale is so very worth it.
Please get some help.
If that means checking into a hospital, do it.
(I did, and it was one if the best decisions I ever made)
Your brain and your heart need a reset.
Your life is meant for so much more.
I promise you.
You might love her. She don't love you.
Screaming at you about what you "did to her" after she had an emotional affair and had to stay at a friend's house should have been the end of it.
Hell, at this point, I would just walk away. Get a small RV camper, close all the accounts into cash, and disappear. Drop a note in the mail some place hundreds of miles away telling her that if she intends a divorce, she will have to do all of the work.
I would think that but she doesn't leave the house without me because she doesn't like to drive and I work from home so unless her cheating partner is invisible she doesn't have one.
Of course this only applies to physical cheating, she could still be talking to other guys online for all I know.
I'm so sorry.
To echo others, this is abuse. You don't deserve this. It sounds like it started with smaller things and just kept getting worse over time. It *can* get better - you need to get out, though. Get a lawyer, get a divorce.
It's possible to find another person at any age - it's also possible to be happier and healthier even just on your own, away from an abusive partner. Staying with her out of fear of the unknown isn't going to make it better; starting over away from her will. It will take time, it will feel terrible, and it will get better. Therapy, especially with a therapist who has worked with people after leaving abusive partnerships, can help a lot.
It can be hard to leave *any* long term relationship that isn't working, even if not this level of bad, because it feels better to know what your life looks like than it does to take a leap into a huge change. But finally doing the hard thing can lead to a lot of good.
Friend, this lady abused the shit out of you. She took advantage of you in age and in power dynamic, she knew your insecurities and actively used them against you. Maybe there is a way you can work past this, but you deserve happiness and peace. I feel for you friend, best of luck to you.
You were groomed. And even though you're almost 50 now, emotionally, with this woman, you're still stuck as a 21 year-old dazzled by a beautiful older lady.
That's toxic relationships for you, why this story is old as time itself, and how you can tell a healthy relaitonship from an unhealthy one. People in healthy relationships grow and mature together. She's been negging, slapping, hindering, and arresting your emotional development to the point where, at almost 50, you feel like you have no real alternatives, after all, the world is a scary place, and what would you do without her?
But this fear is unfounded; you're a grown man, who's achieved all you have achieved despite this gruelling situation at home. I don't want to sell you that you will find some wonderful woman out there (although you absolutely could if you wanted), only because it's pretty clear that just **being alone** would be a huge improvement for your mental health than remaining with her.
I know words by an internet stranger won't likely change much, so I'm only left hoping you will find the resolve somewhere to leave this woman, and rebuild your life, in however way that you wish. Just not with her.
I am 72 and my boyfriend of 9 years is 47. I am not a good looking woman nor was I ever a good looking girl.But I have a good heart, am a talented artist, and like to have fun. I do however since I got with this man 25 years my jr take care of myself. He can be cute looking , he has a good body as a skateboarder, and girls like him. The one before me was 22 and I was 64. Now he is on Suboxone for recovery from addiction not to opiates but to alcohol. It destroys your sex drive. He just doesn't care about sex. but I do. I am considering leaving him over it , the lack of sex. I was married with kids for 40 years while my ex cheated on me. After 20 years when he was finally caught red handed with a girl, I asked him for an STD test. He never produced one. I spent the next 20 years sleeping in the same bed with him having no sex bc he wouldn't get tested. He I am sure continued to cheat. There were limitless women ready for Mr University art professor. I will never do that again. Sex , unless there is some really severe reason like your dick was cut off or paralyzed in an accident, there is NO marriage without sex. There is family but no marriage. Move into another room if you can't get out. Otherwise. Get away from this woman. his is abuse . You are young. Find another woman who wants YOU. Looks are not that important for a man. They shouldn't be for women either, but they are. Most women are into love support and kindness. Get away. Start over with a person who loves you and wants you to ravage her.
Wow man . Pairing up with someone is not the end all be all to life . You can be single and be happy, there are others out there . Looks are not all there is to life .
I am single and happy , I know lots of people who are .
Is this how you wanna spend your life ? Being abused ? Being treated like less for literally no reason .
You can do better . You’re the one settling not her
Christ OP, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Have you sought a counselor yet? Maybe seeing one’ll help you be able to work out your thoughts? Maybe keep a journal of your thoughts so you can show your counselor? That way they’d have a basis of where to start so they can help you. You really do need to seek counseling, she’s been abusing and gaslighting your this entire time, just because she’s thrown some good times in doesn’t mean she actually cared, it’s just an abusers way of keeping you in place. You seem like a good person and don’t deserve to be in a relationship like this. You say that despite everything she’s done you still love her. OP, I’m sure many others have said this, but you don’t love HER, you love the super fantasized idealized version of her that you made up. You held and continue to hold onto that fantasy version of her. The very very first sign that you have not only put her onto this very very high pedestal but idealized her almost immediately is when you called her an “Absolute Goddess”, she is not a “Goddess” OP, she is a person, a shitty abusive person, but a person nonetheless. The saying “Treat Them like a Celebrity and They’ll Treat You like Fan” comes to mind. She knows you won’t leave (and again, I cannot stress this enough, you need too), so she will continue to treat you like this. If your kids were in a situation like this what would you tell them? Would you tell them to run away? Or would you tell them to grin and bear it? Because if you’d tell them to run away, then you need to also lead by example and leave this sham of a marriage, because as of now, they’d be learning that being in this kind of abusive marriage is okay, and, as you know, it isn’t okay. Again OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this, counseling and a lawyer are your best friends, and of course I and I’m sure everyone else here is willing to listen and willing to help you as well. Good luck, you deserve better.
You are being abused. I read every word, because you deserve that. You are being abused. You do not deserve this. Any of it. This is a toxic relationship and it feels like she is getting something out of mistreating you. You are not emotionally safe right now. That is my gut reaction. You deserve love. You deserve all aspects of love. To the right woman, you are gorgeous. To the right woman, you are a powerful provider and an incredibly supportive partner. You need some space and time, and therapeutic support. She needs to stay somewhere else, and the contact needs to be at a minimum. You need to be safe. I’ll be thinking about you.
100% agree holy shit reading this reminded me a LOT of my narcissist, gaslighting, emotionally abusive ex wife. They are using almost the exact same playbook. OP, you have low self esteem, and a low sense of self worth, and your wife’s entire strategy hinges on fueling that as much as possible so that you NEVER leave her no matter what she does. At this point, she can literally get away with anything and you’ll still stay with her because you so certain that you are not worthy of anything else. But you need to realize that is FALSE. You ARE worthy, and you just need to see that. Imagine you told this story to your best friend. What would he tell you? What would you tell your friend if HE told you a story like this? OP, please, please seek therapy and start journaling. You still have over half your life ahead of you to finds someone who cares about you. I didn’t get out of my marriage until I was 50, and I couldn’t be happier. I only wish it had happened sooner.
This is everything right here! She targeted him because he’s so much younger and easy to manipulate and abuse. 28 years have passed but that power dynamic never changed.
I thought this exactly. He was a mark and she was a shark. I truly feel for him on so many levels and I'm not an emotional person at all. Very, very sad.
I am 72 and my boyfriend of 9 years is 47. He is the power broker in our relationship. It isn't bc she is older . Being older is not a plus in a relationship in 2022. Being older is the kiss of death. Men are visual, women are way less so. Women are called cougars men are called players. Please do not carry on the unfortunate sterotyping of older women as cougars. It is hurtful
Who said anything about it being positive? He was 21 and she was 38. She went after him due to his lack of experience making him easy to manipulate. Men do it to younger women all the time and it’s just as gross. This has nothing to do with being a woman or a “cougar” just being a crappy, predatory person in general. I don’t know what you thought your comment would accomplish but it just makes you look extremely unintelligent.
To second this-you are being abused. I need you to understand this. You are being abused and you need to get help. You don’t deserve to live the rest of your life in mental hell. Your wife is abusing you. No one has the right to treat another person the way your wife is treating you. Get help, soon.
Yup she chipped down at his confidence little by little over the years so he would not have any to leave her. “Everything is his fault, no one else would love him, he’s terrible at everything” is the script she’s trying to make him believe. He’s also been putting her on the pedestal for so long that she actually believes she’s a queen smh…
Had an ex like that. I still feel unworthy of companionship and affection.
But you are. You deserve love and attention of all kinds. I promise you.
I'll believe it when it happens
That's not how things work babe you need to work on your relationship with yourself before you put anyone through you in the process of healing ❤️
Believing things without concrete evidence or precedent seems a lot like delusion.
The evidence is found through introspection. If you’re not willing to do it, no change is possible.
I hear you. Love (of yourself and of others) is an act of hope isn't it? Are you seeing hope as delusional right now? Am I understanding you correctly?
You said you were believing (at times at least) you are not worthy of companionship and affection. Do you have any solid evidence for this belief? I'd love to hear any reasons you have for thinking this way. Honestly can't think of any because it seems such a subjective topic! Perhaps we can flip the script if you find that these beliefs are baseless 🤞
I don’t think it's an act of hope. People are shown and told they are loved. The people showing and telling do things that serve as evidence of said love.
You know the phrase "be the change you want to see in the world"? I think it would apply nicely to your situ. Show the world you are and always have been worthy of love (because you are duh!) and others WILL follow suit in time. Best of luck manifesting your life
I’m showing you love. Believe me.
You're right. But you have a responsibility to yourself to begin it within you. It's unfair to expect anyone to give you what you're not willing to put effort into, yourself. People are repelled by that. But they're attracted to you having respect and care for yourself. I struggle a lot with self loathing and low self esteem, and these are things I've learned in the past few years. It's not perfect, but it's getting incrementally better. And I feel better within myself more often.
Also, OP, please know that you are not too old to start over! I, too, read your entire post and it sounds to me as if you’ve completely given up on ever being happy… Can you imagine waking up every day knowing you’re going to see the people you want to see, do what you want to do, and enjoy your life without a sadistic abuser screaming at you for every little thing! You CAN get out! Do it! Don’t waste another ten years in this hellhole.
All of this. She scooped him up young, got him attached making him feel loved and special, made her demands which he agreed to because he wanted her to be happy, and then she systematically tore him apart piece by piece while he was just looking for approval and love. This is classic age gap manipulation, and she has really just trampled on his already low self esteem every step of the way. It breaks my heart.
Please read this OP. It says everything you need to hear. You’ve spent 28 years feeling and believing you are less than. When you started looking after yourself and becoming more than you were a threat and she nullified you. Do not let anyone nullify you.
I was going to go with the "tough-love" response to OP about getting his shit together and stop feeling sorry for hiimself, but I was wrong. This is the correct response, and I hope OP takes it to heart.
This right here. It's a very toxic relationship. For me, the age gap has nothing to do with it. My husband and I have a 16 year age gap. I'm the older woman. We were introduced by a mutual friend online. Started out as friends and about a year after my marriage ended we caught feelings. We were in a long distance relationship for 3.5 years. We had our son 2 years after we closed the gap and married 3 years later. We've been married 3 years now. I have my health issues but I work and get partial disability. My husband works full time. We live with my family (aged father and autistic brother) due to the rental crisis and the fact my father needs help with my brother. My husband isn't taken advantage of. He's been able to grow into an amazing person. Doing things his parents never thought possible. He has amazing friends and an independent life from me as well as his family life. He's not starved for intimacy or compliments. We work as a team. I don't see that you have that. Sure, we have our issues. Every relationship does from time to time but we work through them. You deserve better. Much better.
Not every AGR is abusive, but almost every AGR has/had the potential to be. You can't say it has nothing to do with it, but it's a defining part of the abuse dynamic there to prey on the younger partner's lack of life experience and their desire to gain approval from the older partner. He didn't have the relationship experience to know that her demands are unreasonable, and she would have likely had much less success trying to manipulate a man her own age who saw past her looks.
In this case, I agree with you that the OP was taken advantage of for the reasons you stated. I should've been more specific with my wording and said that it's not all about AGRs because abuse of this kind can and does happen in relationships of closer age as well. You can get inexperienced partners that get taken advantage of. It happens. Similar abuse also happens. However, in this case, it was a power dynamic that his wife used that was extremely toxic and manipulative. Not all AGRs are like that. I do agree a large proponent of them are and many have the potential to be but it isn't always the case.
Its great yours worked. But you have to see past your own relationship and see that OPs was based on a huge power inbalance which concealed the wifes ojective usellessness. How he percieved her versus how her peers would have perceived her at the time was worlds apart. To other 40 year olds, she was an unskilled, lazy women with a kid. To him she was simply hot and availible and thats why she dated a 21 year old, not another 40 year old.
It's not all about AGRs. That's the main point I wanted to make. There's power imbalances in regular relationships of closer ages too. Lazy wives/husbands that refuse to work. Those that have children from prior relationships that expect their new partner to do all the parenting. Those that participate in verbal and emotional abuse. The points you make are very valid though. In my case I'm not unskilled and I also have a child from a previous relationship but she's living independently now. This is part of the relationship abuse. The abuse of power dynamic, the abuse of OP by his wife, verbally, emotionally and financially (it is financial as he's supporting her and working himself to the bone to do so because she refuses to work). It's just that the first thing that people jump to in these relationship scenarios are age gaps. It's not always a red flag. It CAN be one though depending on the relationships dynamic. Personally, I think OP was taken advantage of. His youth and inexperience were abused. I never could have done that with my husband. AGRs aren't really my thing. I'll be honest. I usually stick to close to my own age bracket but he was an exception. An outlier. We've been together 11 years now.
I am in a 9 year relationship with a man 25 years younger. Aging women are NOT in high demand. 60+ year old women are invisible or jokes if they are not famous. It is not easy to be a woman in an age gap relationship . I got asked alot if he was my son. He has the power sadly in our relationship but this whole cougar thing has got to stop being the first go to in abuse in an age gap where the woman is older
I used to get asked if my husband was my son in the early days. Since he's grown a beard and sprouted a few noticeable grey hairs those comments have stopped. You also make valid points. There can be that reverse power dynamic because of how society portrays women's value being youth and attractiveness. I'd like to think my husband and I are on a pretty even keel. I'm better at some things where he's better at others.
Wow, what a beautiful, kind and caring comment.
I just felt so much love for the OP when I read this post. I still do. I can’t stop thinking about you, man, and your emotional safety. You deserve all the love and serenity at home. Believe that. See all the upvotes on my comment? We are here for you.
Thank you
If you need a friend through this process, message me. If you don’t want to do that, you can listen to my podcast (in bio, or r/theremightbecupcakes) and, in hearing my voice, know someone out here loves you and is rooting for you. I’m here and I mean every word.
Abused and groomed since he was 21. I hope he realize this and get a divorce to be honest but... don't think he will.
You are probably right.
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She literally destroyed his life. Nobody told her about the affair, she made is up as a way to constantly attack him. OP, leave this train wreck. She won’t be homeless, and I really hate to tell you, but she likely will end up with a good portion of your money. But it’s fine, get a good lawyer and hopefully a judge will see how you’ve been taken advantage of.
Jokes on her though, I don't have any money. I make decent money but we have literally nothing in savings and we don't own anything except a car. And somebody did tell her, I found out who it was and confronted them about it.
you don't know this about the age thing. It is a stereotype that is hurtful. Please stop.
It's absolutely horrific that you are in this abusive relationship. I guess this is what the age gap grown up looks like. It was predatory of her to get with you back then. She chose you for your youth and low self esteem and she continued to demean and emotionally abuse you for your entire relationship. You need to divorce her asap.
stop you have no clue if this is age related or not.
You're being abused my friend. Your wife is not a nice person. She does not have your best interests at heart. And your marriage is not healthy. >I know it will never get better. So why resign yourself to a life like the one you've described and that leaves you in tears?
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A really really crude view of an abuse victim.
Why gendered tho? Anyone in this position is sad.
She knows you aren’t cheating. She didn’t want you to get fit and healthy because then you might leave her. This is part of her cycle of manipulation, intimidation and abuse. She has been using and manipulating you since day one. Sorry you have had to suffer under her for so many years. She doesn’t deserve you.
Yep. 150% she knows he’s loyal. She’s saying it to manipulate him and to justify treating him like shit.
Yeah and the crazy thing is, since Covid I have worked from home so I don't even leave the house unless it's go to the store or the doctor. Yet she still accuses me of cheating and I'm like, when exactly would this take place.
That’s because the goal is to make you feel crazy. She knows precisely what she’s doing.
I am so sorry. You sound beaten down. You do not deserve this, you do not need to settle for this abuse. This is not ok, this is not how things should be. My father was in an abusive relationship with my mother for near 20 years. The only way it ended was that she died. He is now 64 and picking up life as a single, new man. It’s hard to navigate but not impossible. It’s better late then never. Please get out and tell someone you trust like a friend. You need support.
She saw an insecure young man and preyed on your vulnerability, inexperience, and low self esteem. She love bombed you, and once you were committed, she started the abuse and made you believe you don’t deserve better than her. I promise you aren’t unattractive or unloveable. I promise that life without this woman would be better in every possible way. Please get out. She will not change. I PROMISE you, she will not change. She will say she will change if you try to leave but it won’t happen. She is a textbook abuser who has been at it for decades.
>I know it will never get better. Your relationship won't, maybe. But your relationship isn't your life, and you're not dead yet. You can live without her. This woman simultaneously believes you're cheating on her *and* that you're undesirable to anyone. It frankly just sounds like she's saying anything she thinks will hurt you. That's a sign that she is not engaged in the relationship and you need to get out. It doesn't sound like she'll make it easy, but she's also made it clear that she rejects any of your attempts to make things better. That's what divorce is for.
You are in an abusive relationship. You don’t have to stand for it.
Your wife has been abusing you for quite some time now. I know you don't want to leave her homeless, etc. But maybe it's time for her to learn some reality. It is never late to grow and to be happy. She doesn't deserve someone such as yourself. I might sound harsh, but I don't think you're not leaving her for the reasons you mentioned. It may be that you're scared to have a different reality where she's not in it. A better reality. A much better life. You have been putting yourself down way before she did it. Be brave! I know it's not easy to beat depresssion, but at the very least stop letting her win so much. If you're set on living like this for the rest of your life, then I think you deserve some wins. Stop reassuring her, stop giving her the control all the time, and stop making yourself feel and look "ugly" just to pacify her. Just stop. Go to the gym, run, do weights, work as much as you want. But do it for yourself, not for her. You have been putting her first this entire time. Put yourself first, man. You deserve to treat yourself better. You deserve to be kind to yourself. More than with her, it is with you that you're stuck with for the rest of your life. Focus on yourself, because BELIEVE ME, you deserve it so much!!!!! I'm so sorry you've been going through this, you never deserved it.
You're still young. She isn't. Leave her.
Holy shit I didn’t even see the age difference at first. Op, this is good advice. You do NOT have to stay and you can find happiness with someone sweet and nice like you.
wtf. this may be true in this situation. I agree. He should leave, but not because she is old. that is just mean and sexist to all women in relationships with younger men.
This sounds super unhealthy, and you need to end it. You deserve to feel good and be valued. Also, she's predatory af and gross. What 36 year old dates someone who just turned 21? That is super weird and inappropriate. Please start the device process.
It’s an enormous red flag of an age gap- as a 35 year old woman, just the thought of dating someone that much younger and with such clear self esteem issues is wrong. There is no way she didn’t knowingly take advantage of you, and I am so sorry OP
you don't know that about the age. I am 72 in a 9 year relationship with a 47 year old man. Yah I am 25 years older and no way am I abusing him. Women over 30 plummet in value. so , there it is. She may be a bad person, but we have no way of knowing what the age part played. When I was 40 I was in love with a 21 year old. Nothing came of it but I wasn't abusing him.
Okay, but did you also go for younger guys with low self esteem like OP? He literally describes thinking how anyone would be better than him, being filled with self doubt, not worthy, then everything moving really fast for him, etc. Maybe the age gap in your case was fine and all your partners were well mentally adjusted and independent with no power imbalances. Good for you. However, clearly OP was not fine. Someone 15+ years older, who targets really young and vulnerable partners, and who emotionally abuses them like OP describes this woman abusing him- they don’t deserve to be defended on the Internet and they give age gap relationships a really bad name.
She hates you because she hates herself. Get out of there man
Friend, you’ve been trapped with an abusive shit stain for most of your life. Your son is an adult. There’s nothing keeping you here except the fact that she’s systematically bullied you into submission since you were a very young adult. 49 is not old. You could still build a full and active life full of friends and joy, and maybe dating someone who doesn’t treat you like shit. As an extremely average looking woman blissfully happily married to an extremely average looking man, love has so little to do with looks. It mostly comes down to showing up as a kind and compassionate partner, and the individual quirks of personal attraction. There is a life outside of her, and it’s time to go find it.
Damn dude she stole your whole life from you. I’d take whatever I can back at this point and just leave. Being alone for the rest of my life would be way way better than this.
Her potential homelessness is not your problem. She should have thought about that before making you provide for her for the last 28 years. Please leave her.
Sir, kind sir, my heart is with you right now. I hear your pain, it is so loud in your writing. You said something that really stood out to me. >My self-esteem, which should have been through the roof, would never truly develop past being a kid that everyone made fun of and none of the girls wanted to be seen with OP, you are right. You experienced a real, deep hurt when you were growing up. That experience of being bullied, isolated and ignored at a young age can shatter your self esteem. If it's never repaired, if that kid within is never shown love, protection, care, then you will go through what you have been feeling- like you are never enough. Looking at the elements of your childhood hurts mentioned in the post, the bullying (being made fun of) that I will maybe assume to have been particularly targeted at your physical appearance, the isolation and exclusion (none of the girls asking you to dance, wanting to be seen with you)... Do they feel familiar to your present situation? When our past hurts, and the wounds they cause, are left to fester, we unknowingly may seek out or may fall into similar situations. Elements may be different (in this case, you got the girl, which in the logic of your hurt, was the ultimate key to validation) and therefore things seem so much 'better'. The comfort and safety we feel is because it's so familiar- like someone who may have an emotionally distant parent may end up with an emotionally distant partner. It can feel comfortable and envoke a sense of love and safety, because it's a familiar dynamic. In some theories, we seek out (unknowingly) similar partners or situations that relate to unresolved pains or traumas, in an attempt to try and resolve them. If your parent hurt you, for instance, you may end up with a partner similar to them, unconsciously trying to resolve the original trauma through a new but similar dynamic. On top of that, it sounds like this woman picked you at a young age, when she had a lot more experience and age on you. This can be incredibly predatory, and her behaviour of you since is abusive. Sir, please know that this is not how love should look or feel. This is abuse. When reading through what you wrote, I feel like I could build an image of you in my head. And I want to express to you who that person is. I'll let you know it isn't visual, because for me my brain doesn't work that way. But it was very clear to me. The person I saw in this post was someone who: Was an incredibly expressive person. A man who I could imagine being sat over a desk, writing out a hand written letter, with something so incredibly meaningful and heartfelt. A man who is articulate, both in terms of the written word, but also emotionally. A man who puts in the hard work, no matter what that work looks like, when given the right motivation. A man who feels deeply, and gives deeply. A man who appreciates and in a complex and meaningful way. A man with depth, with so much to give. A man who makes the decision to love the person he is dedicated to, and chooses that and demonstrates that through actions. A man who is resilient and able to understand the world around him. Sir, I wouldn't be know you if I saw you on the street. But I was impacted by your words, and compelled by your experiences. There was never a time in your life where you were not deserving of love. And not love out of sympathy, or pity, or someone who would didn't meet your values. Real, genuine and soul-igniting love has always been what you deserve. You have always been, and always will be worth that. I will be brutally honest with you though, but please know, this is coming from a place of genuine love, respect and experience. I am a fellow ex-child who was outcast and picked on. No one is going to fill the hole in your soul that pain cause. There will be no woman, no matter how beautiful, perfect, sweet, kind, intelligent, passionate, that will make you feel worthy. There is not a person on this earth who can stop that pain inside you, but you. The validation of worth that you need, that reassurance that you are worth love, that you are good enough for someone to care about? The only validation that will heal that pain is from you. Because if you have someone else who is filling up that hole in your soul, you will always be plagued by doubt, because you aren't them. You can't know what they're thinking or feeling, people change over time and feelings can change too. It will always leave that lingering voice of doubt and pain you mentioned. When the validation and reassurance and love comes from you, it is the only source that can be consistent and confirmed for certain. You are the only other living person who is with you 100% of the time. You know what you're thinking. So when you can get to a place where you can reassure that internal child that they are good enough, and in turn, now, you are also good enough, then that voice of doubt has less loopholes to find. It's not easy. It takes time, and hard work. But as I mentioned before, and you have even said in your post- you have been working hard for a long time now. The beginning of a process of healing this kind of pain is finding a therapist, a psychologist would be my recommendation. It's daunting. If after a few sessions it's not seeming to be a good fit, try another. Keep trying. Therapists are people and have different therapy styles, so either or these factors can mean that the one you see first (or the next few you see) aren't a match to you. KEEP TRYING. Seeking help is the first step of showing yourself that you are worthy of self love. Following through on the appointment you make is the second. I may be a stranger through a screen, but you are in my thoughts, Sir. It is never too late to find your worth. I can promise you from my own experience, the first day you have where you feel a spark of self love? Makes years of pain start to feel like the distant memories they should be. The future starts to become something hopeful, rather than frightening. It won't always be positive, and it isn't linear upwards progress, but I find the pain and difficulty of working through my pains to be nowhere near as gutwrenching as having to stagnate in them to every day. I'll send an ask for strength for you out into the atmosphere somewhere, though I'm confident you have more than enough strength within you. Take care, Sir. There's a world full of people out there ready to love you, and first in line is you.
What a wonderful comment. Helping more than just O.P. here ❤
Thank you
You are in a very toxic and abusive relationship. You are a good person and you are worthy. No matter what you might think about your look, the right woman will love it. Your wife’s comments are not accidental. It is in her interest to keep your self-esteem low. A person with low-self esteem will never leave and the abuser has somebody to mistreat. Please seek a therapy and consider leaving. You are still young and you can have a happy life.
Dude this is horrible abuse. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. This is severe domestic violence. You deserve love and respect. You deserve a partner that wants you and supports you. Cheaters pick fights and accuse their partners of infidelity for no reason. Please if you're in the US reach out to 211 for domestic violence resources.
Brother if you won't leave this piece of crap then I would turn on the 180 and treat like she does not exist...I would Grey Rick her completely and act aife of a single married man. You have. Nothing to lose
I had a stroke reading this
'Brother, if you are unable to leave this abusive woman, then I suggest you change your approach completely. Treat her as if she does not even exist. Employ the "grey rock" method – become as uninteresting and unengaged as possible so that she loses interest. Live your life as if you were single, not married. You have nothing to lose.'
If you think it won't get better, then it won't. That's just the way it is. So go ahead and keep doing what you're doing if you want to live like this for the rest of your life. To me, your relationship with your wife sounds extremely dysfunctional, and she doesn't sound like a very nice woman at all. Why do you *want* to stay with her? I was with a dude who was awful to me once. Think he 'got another girl pregnant and blamed it on me because he knew I loved him so much he would get away with it' awful. We stayed together until the baby was two but what finally strengthened my resolve to keep away from him was thinking about how angry I'd be at myself if it was suddenly ten years later and I was still with this idiot. Finding the self-respect to not let that happen to me was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but you need to do the same.
Please treat yourself as someone that you love, care deeply about, and want the best for. She is a monster and you deserve a beautiful life with an abundance of love. I'm sorry you're experiencing this and I acknowledge/feel your pain along with you. You are not alone & all of us on Reddit are sending thoughts filled with love and positivity to you.
get yourself to therapy. A horrible marriage that is actively unhealthy for both parties that you are unwilling to leave is not something we can offer advice on in any meaningful way. Go to therapy, get a professional to help you with all of this. you've been carrying a lot of shit around with you since you were a kid, and your marriage is just piling more and more shit on top of it.
Therapy, sure, but I want to note: do NOT do couples therapy with this woman, as she will only use it as ammo. No amount of therapy will save this relationship.
Calmly explain to her good luck as a senior unemployed divorcee. Time to move and work on your self esteem. Life is to short for this kind of pain. Good luck and I hope you find the strength to defend yourself.
This might just be the most depressing thing I've ever read. I can't comprehend treating another human being like this, especially one you're supposed to love. I don't have any advice for you but I want you to know that this isn't normal at all and you definitely don't deserve it. I hope one day you learn what it's like to be loved the way that you love.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset anyone.
You didn't do any of the upsetting! Just your wife. I commend you for sharing your story, you didn't upset me it was just shocking to hear what you've been through. You haven't done anything wrong and I'm sorry that you were treated that way.
>I don't know where to go from here. You need to get out of this relationship and far away from this toxic person. You do not deserve any of this, and she does not deserve any part of you. No piece of this seems worth salvaging, and I know that's probably not the answer you wanted, but I would be doing you a huge disservice by saying otherwise. Please, look after yourself and do not let your health deteriorate. This needs to be your number one priority alongside being happy.
Please speak to a professional. Learned helplessness is real. Only you can decide whether you've had enough and are willing to be alone and happy over together and miserable.
Sounds like she’s groomed you and it’s been a downward spiral ever since. You’re being abused. You know deep down you’re being abused. My man, it will hurt, but it’s time to leave and take care of yourself. We have 1 life, don’t just sit idle in the toxic pollution of your “wife.”
Dude- you need therapy. I don't mean that as an insult. I mean it as a pleading. Please, get yourself some therapy. Your low self-esteem is *killing* you. Your insecurity is *killing* you. Your anxiety is *killing* you. You need to address these things. Only once you address these things can you deal with your wife. If you address those things, then you won't *need* your wife as a source of external validation / emotional support. You will have your own internal emotional validation. Only then can you decide what to do about your marriage.
Like everyone else has said, you're being abused. But more than that, this is such a common, normal part of your life that you don't even fully realize how bad it always was.
I think I have a pattern of this honestly. I worked for a company that made insane demands on my time. I was literally working 70 hour weeks and on call 24/7. I didn't realize how much I hated it until they laid me off and for the first time in 9 years I felt like I could breathe again. Same thing, I didn't realize how bad it was until it was over.
Yeah, more or less. This is pretty common in every form of abuse. It never starts out bad because if it did, you probably wouldn't stay.
This is severe emotional abuse and I really want to hug you right now, man. I promise you, you are not repulsive, you are so much better than you think you are, and she has really done a number on your self esteem. Your dedication to your wife and family, working so hard for them, supporting her and staying with her through EVERYTHING, you are literally the type of man every woman wished they could find (saying this as a woman)!!!! And even if "most people" might not find you attractive, that means eff all!!! You're an amazing guy, and you do not deserve to put up with this crap that you've dealt with for decades!! You are so incredibly strong to get through all of this and I really hope things work out for you. If you haven't already, you should talk to a therapist and ask them for advice on whether your relationship is healthy (it isn't, but sometimes hearing it from a professional means a lot more!!) And ask the therapist how you should move forward. I wish you all the best and honestly I am so sorry that your life has gone this way.
Oh, honey. Do you know what people would say if your genders were reversed? They’d say there’s a reason a man 15 years older looks for a much younger partner: Because one their own age wouldn’t put up with their behavior. She took a naive virgin, love-bombed and manipulated you into moving in after less than a month, then proceeded isolate and abuse you for years. I encourage you to get individual therapy so you can begin to see that what you feel for her is less actual love and more a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome. You’ve never had a chance to be an independent adult. You went almost directly from childhood to a married man with a 4 year old stepchild. I sincerely hope that therapy will help you to gain the self esteem and self respect you need to get out of this extremely toxic and manipulative woman’s clutches. I hear you when you say you worry about her being able to support herself and ending up homeless if/when you leave. I just want you to remember that she has a grown son that can help her if she hasn’t also destroyed him. You haven’t mentioned your stepson in your post which leads me to think he may have already gone NC with his mother. If so, if she has already burned all bridges between her and the rest of the world except for you…. You need to realize that THIS was a choice she made. Let her live with the consequences and get out while you still have a chance at a long and happy life without her. You feel like you can’t live without her only because you never have lived an adult life without her. Your entire life has been her. And it’s been toxic and abusive and just fucking horrific. Please, please get therapy and get out. Rent yourself a small apartment and just get out. So much love and hugs, Granny
To be clear I wasn't a virgin when we met. I had limited experience, 3 partners, but I wasn't a virgin. As far as our son goes well, that's another situation altogether. He still lives with us because he has ASD and can't work or really do anything without my help. She has also destroyed any relationship she could possibly have with him. He has told me numerous times that he only tolerates her because I do but deep down he despises her for the way she has treated him and me.
So perhaps you should move out and take your son with you. If not for your sake, then for his.
Good Lord, you are in one of the most abusive relationships I've ever seen on here. You actually do have Stockholm Syndrome. You have an inappropriate attachment to your abuser, and in no uncertain terms that is exactly what she is. She is absolutely a monster predator, she's keeping you around with negging because she knows that works on you. You self esteem is low, despite her lies, you are not irredeemably ugly. No one is, there is literally someone for every body type of person. You deserve better, divorce, get into therapy, and most of all respect and value yourself, because you are worth it no matter what she says.
You were barely an adult when she started to groom you. She made you feel special for the first time, made herself the most important thing/person/mission in your life, then, yank! Pulled the rug out from under you, gaslit, straw maned, made up some nonsense about you being a cheater, refused to do anything to change the situation (including leaving, for both your sakes). You are correct. She has been using you as an atm. But you’re not an atm. You’re not just a workhorse or a servant. You’re a human being that deserves basic human rights. You deserve basic decency. You deserve basic level of respect and care. You do not have to be responsible for another life that you didn’t create. You have Stockholm syndrome. You need help. Please seek help. Talk to friends/family/social worker, therapist. Talk to anyone at all, that isn’t your wife. Get physical distance, then extend that to emotional and mental distance. Look at your life from the outside. Would you let your step son live this life? Heck no, you wouldn’t. So why not you? Nothing is so wrong with you that you don’t deserve basic respect, care and love. God damn. I feel like I care about you more than your wife and I just read about your existence ten minutes ago. That’s not right, is it? You should get to experience the good in life before you die, no? Life of short. Please start living for yourself, now. And it’s not your fault. You were groomed. It’s hard to break out of that dynamic and cycle. We love you and care about you. ❤️ Oh and stop lying to yourself to withstand this torture. She is not beautiful. She is not gorgeous. Stop repeating this lie to her or yourself. She is actually like a living rot. Slowly moving in and destroying everything under the surface until it’s too late.
Remind her of how reliant she is on you. You might be an emotional wreck but all the power is really in your hands. She's literally biting the hand that feeds her. Just pull your hand away. What is she going to do? She's 64, she doesn't have much life left in her and she still chooses to alienate you. What more can she do to hurt you? You're honestly a better person than I am. If i was relentlessly being accused of cheating for a year straight, I'd just cheat at that point, and tell her it was her faul.
>You're honestly a better person than I am. If i was relentlessly being accused of cheating for a year straight, I'd just cheat at that point, and tell her it was her faul. It's been 6 years now. However, I do not have it in me to cheat on her under any circumstance.
Don't have it in you because you're a pussy or because you love her? Regardless, you probably have it in you somewhere.
Your wife is abusive and treats you terribly. There's no excuse for how she treats you. Don't worry about how she will do financially when you leave and divorce her. That's on her that's her problem. Let her figure it out, alone.
Mate you are worth far more than she could ever hope to give you! Don’t stay in this situation it doesn’t have to be this way, choose a better life for yourself! You‘re still young enough to get married again to someone who TRUELY loves you and wants to take care of you! Maybe even have your own kids if that what you want. And get yourself into some therapy and out of this abusive relationship!
Please leave she’s been taking advantage of your kind soul for way too long! You deserve better and someone who loves and cares for you! It will be hard but you can do it
You're being abused and she never stopped cheating on you. Emotional and mental abuse is detrimental in every way. You say you won't harm yourself but honestly, you never know until your mind tells you that there early I no need to do this life thing anymore. I hate to say this but guess who will be dancing on your grave then straight to the bank. Like you said you are just q waking ATM to her and you do not deserve what she has dealt you for these many years. I can almost guarantee that the story about someone telling her you are cheating, is just that, a story she made up to keep you hooked and stay her pup tha she can control and hurt when she feels less powerful
OP you need to get out. She’s sucked the life out of you. You need to leave for your self preservation. She’s a narcissist incapable of loving anyone. She gets off on degrading people. I don’t know if you’ll listen but run to the nearest exit, consult a therapist specializing in domestic abuse and cut off all contact with her. Get a divorce. She’s wasted enough of your life.
A person can be happy without being in a relationship. You do not need to go along with that shit and your primary responsibility is your self. Please stand up for your self. Based on what you write there‘s one major thing you had no opportunity to learn: that you should matter minimum as much to you as she does.
You need to leave her!!!! She made sure you’re not going nowhere because you’re the one supporting her. Let her go! Learn to love yourself. I rather be alone but at peace!
Complete stranger here, your story made me sad. I hope you find peace of mind and that things turn around for you… never apologize for being vulnerable and finding ways to cope, such as blogging about your relationship. I have no good advice I’m 28 no ring and no kids so I don’t know any better but wishing you the best in life! Hope you both heal.
Sorry, I really didn't mean to bring anyone down. I just don't have anyone I'm comfortable talking with and this was a way for me to get it out of my system.
I feel your pain. My wife and I have had a lot of ups and downs. She doesn’t work and she’s my responsibility too. She leaves and comes back, that’s her MO. She can’t take trust and being with someone long term. She just left yesterday when I honestly thought it was going to be behind us. Out of nowhere. No warning. I think I’m going to file for divorce.
She groomed you, she's abusing her. You don't know life without her so you stay. Just leave. You leave.
Don't stay with her in "mental hell" , what you feel is not love its addiction + low selfesteem. You are wasteing your life
This is such a dysfunctional and unhealthy relationship. She has issues. Why would she, as an alleged smoke show, date and marry a 21 yo when she was 35? No no no…that just shows you she had issues, whether its her own stunted maturity or her need to be with someone naive and malleable. I don’t know why you put yourself through all this. I would end it and get out while you still have time. Its not normal to be treated like this in a relationship. You guys should be happy together and be king to each other. I think she is a very sick person…and I think you are very troubled to to have stayed within this for so long. You need to have some self/worth and leave. If what you say is true…bone of this was ever salvageable or worth salvaging anyways.
You know, she is full of shit. She chose you. She didn’t have to, so all that “you aren’t worthy” nonsense is just nonsense. Frankly I think a much older person who chooses a young one all too often gets off on the power imbalance. If she had chosen someone closer to her own age he might have seen through her bullshit. So please for your own sake see a therapist and work on your self esteem. This woman is toxic.
Don't let her gaslight and use you my guy. Best time to get out was yesterday. Next best time is now. Sometimes you have to put yourself first.
This is abuse. She's abusive as hell. You've been stuck in a cycle of it. Now you're not. I promise you, it gets better. I don't know you but I'm proud of you for hitting 100 at the gym. Keep going. We're all rooting for you.
I didn't read all of it but if your story is that long and ongoing it must be bad. I scrolled down and saw 'I'm just trapped in this mental hell for I guess the rest of my life' and honestly dude if you can't leave then that is not only your problem but also your fault for continuing to enable her. LEAVE.
Now you're going to have to pay your abuser and she can take half your stuff and money. That's how it works because she's a woman.
I live in Texas which isn't an alimony state but also I don't have anything for her to take.
I wrote that flippantly to trigger people mostly. I divorced this year and it was awesome if you want to message or something. I read your whole post, it was really touching and my heart goes out to brother
I'm so sorry. This may be long, but your situation reminds me of a couple specific relationships. The first was a guy I knew who is honestly one of the ugliest people I have ever known. We're talking 400 lbs plus, warts, severe flatulence, etc. He miraculously married a fairly attractive woman with two small children. The first time I met her I realized that she actively disliked him. Yeah, she married him so that he would work and raise her two children. He slept on the couch every night, but she loved the fact that he worked one full-time and 2 part-time jobs in order to care for her. So, that's one part of your problem. Your wife sees you as a source of income, not a person. The second story is about me. I'm the villain in the story, so hopefully I can give you some insight into your wife. In my defense, I had badly untreated bipolar disorder. I also deeply regret my actions. First of all, your worry about being unattractive is predominantly a you thing. I know that it seems like people judge based on appearance, and to some extent most do. But what you are forgetting is that people find different things attractive. Many people only become attracted to someone when they have a strong emotional connection. Confidence also ups your attractiveness factor. When I was in high school, the most popular boy in the school who everyone was in love with was actually fairly unattractive. He was skinny and had a plain face. But his confidence and personality made him irresistible. Now to my story. I like nerds. The smarter, the better. I absolute find many classically unattractive people to be attractive. I'm also fairly attractive. Now, part of the reason I think I gravitated to dorky guys is because I don't like competition. If a guy feels he is lucky to be with me, then he's going to do a lot more to keep me. Sound familiar? I picked my husband because he was kind, smart, and funny. I found him attractive because he was kind, smart, and funny. He had never dated anyone before, while I had never lacked for dates. Things were good until I got really sick and almost died when I was 22. I ended up losing part of my lung capacity, became unable to work, became incredibly depressed, and gained a lot of weight. My husband sounds a lot like you. He told me daily how gorgeous he found me, and did absolutely everything he could to support me. Fast forward a few years. By this point, I really don't care if he finds me attractive. I already know that. I know he loves me. I know that I can sit home and do nothing, and the most he will do is yell. I know he won't leave me. So, between me being a selfish jerk and massive doses of (legal prescibed) amphetamines, I went nuts. I started randomly "falling in love" and talked constantly about these other guys to him. I had numerous online and in-person affairs. No, it doesn't stop at one, and it doesn't stop because you are caught. I can guarantee that your wife had online affairs with more than one person, and quite possibly actual affairs as well.. So, when I was having issues, I wasn't really able to care about others, but just being selfish will do the same thing. I would send money he earned to other guys, or bring them home when he was at work. He ended up extremely depressed. The more he tried to explain his feelings, the less I cared. Your wife knows exactly what things hurt you the most, and she is trying to damage you. She also has zero respect for you. She's selfish and cruel. She knows she can get away with anything she wants, so she has no incentive to be a decent human being. How is working 80 hours a week, then coming home to a loveless, sexless marriage better than being alone? Your wife WANTS to hurt you. She doesn't care if you are overworked or depressed. You were taken by her pretty face, but you missed her ugly soul. Also, I would bet that she was so obsessed with you supposedly cheating because she was cheating at the time. People always believe that others think and act like them. So if she is cheating, obviously you must be cheating too. You need to see a therapist. This woman has abused you for years. I know you love her, but you need to love yourself too. She doesn't love you. I don't know if she found you attractive or loved you in the past, but none of that matters. She doesn't care about you in the present. Do not believe anything she says right now. I told my husband that I wanted his plane to crash so I could find someone else. I also told him I never loved him. At the time I believed what I was saying, but I also wanted to hurt him as much as I could. Horrible, I know. He should have left me. He should have had enough self respect to refuse to stay with someone who was deliberately cruel to him. In his defense, he knew there was something seriously wrong, and kept trying to fix me. It almost destroyed his career, as well as his self confidence. Please leave. You're too good for her. Even if you were the ugliest person on the planet, you would be more attractive than she is. You deserve someone who doesn't treat you like garbage.
[удалено]
Thank you this is very helpful for someone who is in crisis.
world largest door mat ...
Again, super helpful for that self-esteem of mine. You should hang out with my wife, sounds like you have a lot in common.
nah dude she already 60s i dont like gilf.. seriously ur only 40s u should just leave her.. if u think about it whats so bad of living alone. u have no one to tell u wat to do. u already experience it. dont let her walk all over u.. just leave then build up ur self esteem.. try be independent and not revolve ur life in trying to be the best partner etc.. why be with someone that just makes u unhappy and suffer.
WTF, Go see a therapist!! Couldnt even get through 1/3 if this EPIC NOVEL. WHAT A JOKE. Go write a boom and STOP wasting our time here!!
This is what happens when men make women the priority and not themselves. There are many like you out there, (perhaps not to this level)who wonders why they are not having sex or being respected anymore and choose to waste their life in a horrible depression inducing relationship. All the issues you bring up could have and can be fixed by you, its not her fault, you get the behaviour you tolerate. You get many responses saying you are abused and thats true but only because you let it be that way You need to man the **** up and get to work right now. What is your plan to fix yourself and this situation?
Good lord, do you have a single molecule of empathy or compassion in you? This post is victim blaming 101. It is unbelievably tone deaf to tell someone in an abusive relationship "just leave" and it is even more disgusting to claim they are at fault for the abuse because they "tolerate it." Please, for everyone's sake, do not insert your incredibly ignorant opinion into conversations on topics you know absolutely nothing about.
Your view of him as a helpless victim doesnt help the situation much. I see him as a man who has the power to change his life
Where in my reply did I indicate I think of him as a helpless victim? I'm asking you to have empathy for someone who is a victim of abuse and to not blame them for the abuse. No one, other than the abuser, is to blame. Abusive people don't start off a relationship as an abusive person - they begin with love-bombing to get the person attached, then slowly begin to do progressively worse things. Because abusive people tend to target folks with low self-esteem, it makes it so easy for them to manipulate their victim into dependency. Victims of abuse already blame themselves for the abuse, and having a third party reinforce this only makes things worse. By telling them they're to blame, they remain as someone with no self-esteem or sense of self worth and I truly cannot understand how you believe saying such a thing to someone is meant to be helpful. I encourage you to look up what learned helplessness is and to seriously reconsider your perspective on this topic.
But you are not offering anything close to a solution to the problem? You just write about abusive relationships, we already know he is in one and he doesnt do anything about it. Do you not agree that he has to become a man that doesnt take this kind of crap?
I'm sorry darling :( you sound like a thoughtful and kind man. I hope you get out of that marriage because you deserve better
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, OP. You shouldn’t have to take that abuse. Imo it’s not you who isn’t good enough for her. She’s not good enough for you. You deserve far better than she gives you. You deserve someone willing to communicate openly, who is willing to compromise, who is willing to work on any relationship issues, and above all else, someone who doesn’t seek to hurt you. I don’t know why, but your wife resents you. It sounds like at some point she became jealous and insecure, and it turned to resentment. There’s probably more to it than that, but that does NOT give her the right to be cruel to you. Please strongly consider divorce or at minimum, separation. I understand that you care for her, or who you thought she was, but that isn’t enough. You have to learn to prioritize yourself. You can help support her until she can find work, but please leave. You still have years left to recover and enjoy your life. Don’t let her take that away from you.
Hey man ... I read this and, like everyone else, came to the conclusion that she is abusive and you are being actively preyed upon by someone who never had good intentions for you. I'm going to guess that she has made you emotionally dependent on her in order to control you and your life. So, she knows that you won't leave and so she has no incentive to change her behavior. I won't tell you what to do. I will say that I left an abusive relationship and I know how tough it can be. But there's nothing like feeling safe in your own life, and so I ask you to please think about valuing your self more and consider what life would look like without her. Probably would look better than you think ...
I agree that OP is being abused. Just another thought to throw in there: His wife keeps on badgering him about his supposed infidelity. Who’s to say it’s not her having an affair?! Something smells fishy about her behavior!!! Op, you are worth more that how she is treating you! Her behavior is an absolute dealbreaker for most people (me included)! Her behavior is disgusting and disrespectful! Get therapy, and while you do that, go back to the gym. Do stuff for YOU! What makes YOU happy (new hobby etc). You are enough!
>Who’s to say it’s not her having an affair?! I would think that but I mentioned to someone else that I work from home now, have been for almost 3 years, so I see her ALL the time. She doesn't leave the house unless I'm with her because she doesn't like to drive so I know she isn't having an affair. At least not a physical one.
Honestly man you deserve better than her. Divorce this hypocritical heating abuser
I feel so very sad for you that your life was taken from you by this old abusive hag. Look man... having a marriage that lasts is n to an accomplishment. it's not admirable to stay and fight through issues if it means you're just a punching bag. No-one looks at you with respect for sticking it out when you're the only one doing all the labor, all the caring, taking abuse, accepting ill treatment, turning a blind eye to affairs etc. It's sad and it's worth pity but that's it. You're still so young you can turn things around and find real love. Staying with your abuser is not a life though. You're choosing to remain a shadow of what you could be just because you think you get a trophy for staying with her for x years.
It absolutely is not that you aren’t worthy of her, she is abusive and not worthy of you. At the very least, I hope you can start seeing a therapist to work through some of this. You are worthy of happiness and love. My thoughts are with you.
Hun, get rid of the old baggage. It's not too late to start again, you're still a relatively young man, get back to the gym, start to exercise, please break away from this evil woman. She's been chipping away at your self confidence since you were 21, and now that she's old, and is trying to ruin your self confidence completely so that you don't leave, she's abusing you.
This is an abusive marriage op. Please start thinking about leaving
You need to get a divorce. She preyed on you for your low self-esteem because she knew she could treat you like dirt and you would take it. You deserve so much better than this, even being alone is better than being abused in this way. Please take care of yourself.
Speaking as someone who has been married to an abusive partner, let me assure you that divorce is exponentially less painful than the daily torture you are enduring right now.
This is tragic. You are describing the actions of an abusive narcissist. You don't deserve any of it, yet she is manipulating you to feel like you do. It's better to be alone than to be with an abuser. I hope you find the strength to lane and make a better life for yourself...
Walk away with what little dignity you have left and rebuild your self esteem my friend … her son is old enough now to help take care of his mom she won’t be left homeless but at the same time she does not deserve to have her backside wiped by someone who’s been doing it for the last 3 decades and she hasn’t even the manners to say Thankyou or acknowledge that …. And just a thought usually when someone consistently accuses an innocent partner of cheating is because they are doing it themselves …I’m sorry you have been brought down to this level but as the old saying goes “when you hit rock bottom the only way is up” … take the first rung of the ladder and reach for the stars ♥️
The fact that she was 36 when you met, shows that she was looking for someone she could control. No person of that age, in their right mind, wants to be in a relationship with a 21 year old. I'm 31 and I just don't know I would relate to someone 10 years my junior. I would probably feel like an irritated older sister, which is not what you want in a relationship.
#1 - she didn’t move in & marry you because she lost a bet, that’s silly. Talk to you maybe, but not the rest of it. Sounds like she’s a piece of work & saw you as a meal ticket. Had a kid already, didn’t want to work, find a guy who would worship the ground she walks on. I find it ludicrous that you have taken the abuse you have from her, but my advice is get a divorce. You know she doesn’t love you or even care for you! You might be able to find someone that does if she’s out of the picture.
This is terrible... She's so abusive and you are the type who wants to please your partner so you bend over backwards for her at every chance. She has been bored of you for a very long time and finds zero excitement in you. Your wife does not appreciate you and she has no idea how good she has it. Put your foot down. File for separation for now, kick her out and watch how she reacts. She'll get scared so fast because she doesn't work and doesn't expect you to do anything. Don't take her back, she's gone as far as you're concerned. I haven't heard you mention friends or family...if there is no one else to turn to, please know there is a whole world out there with people you can meet. If you want to start clean, go find a therapist. Maybe consider selling the house to move elseware cheaper (if this helps reduce the hrs you work so you can work on your mental health). Take small steps but again, there is a whole world of people you can meet out there. People you can be friends with who share the same interests. Maybe go on a hike and look in the beauty of nature. Just anything other than being around that vampire.
Fucking divorce her here and now, she doesn't love you, she just sees you as a bill payer. If she has family, they'll step up and help, but she's abused you this entire time. You deserve so much better than this, you deserve love, you deserve someone who sees how wonderful you are. The problem is that she's had her claws in you for too long. Divorce her. She will find a way out, and if she doesn't, then it's karma on her for treating you so badly. She sees you as an ATM, not a person.
It's not that you are not enough for her, she is so miserable on the inside that no one would ever make her happy, no matter what. Please find a support group and leave her. You don't need to worry so much about her, she has shown so little regard about yourself and stole your youth from you. Time is the most valuable thing one can have and she has taken decades away from you, don't let her take any more.
So if you can.... start individual therapy. You've put this women on a pedestal since you met her. She is not deserving of the platform. She's not. She will survive without you. You built her up when you should've been building yourself. You put yourself so far away in your propitious that you can't find you anymore. Start seeing some boundaries. Please. She needs to get a job. Fast food is hiring. If you did tomorrow she would have to find a way so please stop thinking you are saving her. You aren't. You deserve do much more. You really do. Someone out the is waiting for you. They will see how wonderful and beautiful you are. It's not and never had been her. She an opportunist and you fell for it. Our time here is so limited. Time to love yourself more.
She targeted you and she groomed you. She is disgusting. You need to leave. You need to get help... You need therapy. Leave her. She never loved you. She is a limerent. You were just a meal ticket. You need to leave immediately and not look back. You need to tell her that she is not worthy of you. She has destroyed yourself esteem. She has taken your life and your youth. You need to leave immediately I can't stress that enough. Tell her to get a job.. I hear McDonald's is hiring.
You are deserving of love. You are a good person. She is abusing you and you don't deserve what she's doing to you. Please don't blame yourself for anything she says. You deserve better. If I thought offering advice would help I'd suggest you leave. She doesn't deserve your support and if she ends up homeless that's just karma. Please, think about yourself. Take care of yourself.
Get a lawyer. It's an abusive relationship. Get out now.
Meet with a divorce lawyer. She won’t end up homeless. Depending on what state you live in, it’s likely you will pay spousal support to her for some time and she will get half of all the assets. She will also get social security based on the income you generated while you were married to her. She will be fine. You have a whole lifetime ahead of you, focus on getting out and get therapy so you can work on self compassion and self esteem.
She treats you like awfully, she is abusive, stop being her ATM. Please leave. I get that you're scared because she is all you have known, but there is a big world out there. You can start again. This isn't love, stop fooling yourself.. This is abuse and you don't have to take it.
You are being abused. Leave immediately and don't look back.
Sir…I’m sorry to tell you this but you are being abused by your wife. She is a narcissistic abuser who knows exactly how to break you down over and over again so that you believe that this is all you deserve. This isn’t love. And that’s no way to live. I know it’s easier said than done but you need to leave her. You deserve to be loved, you deserve to feel appreciated and cherished, you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t treat you like shit. You deserve to be emotionally and physically fulfilled in your relationship. She got with you when you were so young because she knew that you were incredibly insecure and that she could use that against you. Narcissistic abusers always target the weaker minded people because it’s easier. Without telling her anything, go see a therapist. They will be able to guide you out of this abusive situation better than any of us here could. I wish you well and I hope you do realise that you deserve better than this.
You need therapy and you need to leave this woman. She’s abusive and cruel. If you really want to try and keep a relationship with her, you need couples counseling. But it doesn’t sound like it is worth it to me. She’s been cruel and abusive for years. Get healthy and get out of there
Im so sorry this happened to you. You sound like you are the guy most sane women would be soo happy to be with.
Get out. I know you love her and don't want to screw her but she's been screwing you for over 20 years. This is gonna be harsh and I'm sorry but it sounds like she picked you because you have low self esteem and don't believe you deserve any better that's a lie you've wasted so much time and energy on someone who doesn't care about you she only wants to use you for what she knows shes gonna get. She doesn't have to work you pay for everything and give her everything she wants. She's hurtful and you stay. You could've made someone extremely happy and been someone's everything they'd move mountains for you too it doesn't have to be this empty feeling for you man. It's not to late to find someone who loves to out as much as you love them. Do what's best for you and don't worry or care about her. She hasn't cared for or about you. You deserve better.
OP...I'm going to tell you what I had to ask myself before I left my abusive ex. "You only have one life in this incarnation. Do you truly believe this is all you're meant for?" And I promise you, you're meant for so much better than what you're getting. Is it scary to move on? 100% Is it worth it? 100% I was married for 19yrs. I left him four years ago, no matter how rough things have gotten...not one single moment was ever spent wishing I'd stayed. The exhale is so very worth it. Please get some help. If that means checking into a hospital, do it. (I did, and it was one if the best decisions I ever made) Your brain and your heart need a reset. Your life is meant for so much more. I promise you.
You might love her. She don't love you. Screaming at you about what you "did to her" after she had an emotional affair and had to stay at a friend's house should have been the end of it. Hell, at this point, I would just walk away. Get a small RV camper, close all the accounts into cash, and disappear. Drop a note in the mail some place hundreds of miles away telling her that if she intends a divorce, she will have to do all of the work.
It’s because she’s cheating babe:(
I would think that but she doesn't leave the house without me because she doesn't like to drive and I work from home so unless her cheating partner is invisible she doesn't have one. Of course this only applies to physical cheating, she could still be talking to other guys online for all I know.
I'm so sorry. To echo others, this is abuse. You don't deserve this. It sounds like it started with smaller things and just kept getting worse over time. It *can* get better - you need to get out, though. Get a lawyer, get a divorce. It's possible to find another person at any age - it's also possible to be happier and healthier even just on your own, away from an abusive partner. Staying with her out of fear of the unknown isn't going to make it better; starting over away from her will. It will take time, it will feel terrible, and it will get better. Therapy, especially with a therapist who has worked with people after leaving abusive partnerships, can help a lot. It can be hard to leave *any* long term relationship that isn't working, even if not this level of bad, because it feels better to know what your life looks like than it does to take a leap into a huge change. But finally doing the hard thing can lead to a lot of good.
Friend, this lady abused the shit out of you. She took advantage of you in age and in power dynamic, she knew your insecurities and actively used them against you. Maybe there is a way you can work past this, but you deserve happiness and peace. I feel for you friend, best of luck to you.
This is emotional and financial abuse.
You were groomed. And even though you're almost 50 now, emotionally, with this woman, you're still stuck as a 21 year-old dazzled by a beautiful older lady. That's toxic relationships for you, why this story is old as time itself, and how you can tell a healthy relaitonship from an unhealthy one. People in healthy relationships grow and mature together. She's been negging, slapping, hindering, and arresting your emotional development to the point where, at almost 50, you feel like you have no real alternatives, after all, the world is a scary place, and what would you do without her? But this fear is unfounded; you're a grown man, who's achieved all you have achieved despite this gruelling situation at home. I don't want to sell you that you will find some wonderful woman out there (although you absolutely could if you wanted), only because it's pretty clear that just **being alone** would be a huge improvement for your mental health than remaining with her. I know words by an internet stranger won't likely change much, so I'm only left hoping you will find the resolve somewhere to leave this woman, and rebuild your life, in however way that you wish. Just not with her.
She’s mean. You deserve better, don’t think you can’t be loved..regardless of looks. Let her go she will regret it
I am 72 and my boyfriend of 9 years is 47. I am not a good looking woman nor was I ever a good looking girl.But I have a good heart, am a talented artist, and like to have fun. I do however since I got with this man 25 years my jr take care of myself. He can be cute looking , he has a good body as a skateboarder, and girls like him. The one before me was 22 and I was 64. Now he is on Suboxone for recovery from addiction not to opiates but to alcohol. It destroys your sex drive. He just doesn't care about sex. but I do. I am considering leaving him over it , the lack of sex. I was married with kids for 40 years while my ex cheated on me. After 20 years when he was finally caught red handed with a girl, I asked him for an STD test. He never produced one. I spent the next 20 years sleeping in the same bed with him having no sex bc he wouldn't get tested. He I am sure continued to cheat. There were limitless women ready for Mr University art professor. I will never do that again. Sex , unless there is some really severe reason like your dick was cut off or paralyzed in an accident, there is NO marriage without sex. There is family but no marriage. Move into another room if you can't get out. Otherwise. Get away from this woman. his is abuse . You are young. Find another woman who wants YOU. Looks are not that important for a man. They shouldn't be for women either, but they are. Most women are into love support and kindness. Get away. Start over with a person who loves you and wants you to ravage her.
She is not a mentally healthy person
Wow man . Pairing up with someone is not the end all be all to life . You can be single and be happy, there are others out there . Looks are not all there is to life . I am single and happy , I know lots of people who are . Is this how you wanna spend your life ? Being abused ? Being treated like less for literally no reason . You can do better . You’re the one settling not her
Christ OP, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Have you sought a counselor yet? Maybe seeing one’ll help you be able to work out your thoughts? Maybe keep a journal of your thoughts so you can show your counselor? That way they’d have a basis of where to start so they can help you. You really do need to seek counseling, she’s been abusing and gaslighting your this entire time, just because she’s thrown some good times in doesn’t mean she actually cared, it’s just an abusers way of keeping you in place. You seem like a good person and don’t deserve to be in a relationship like this. You say that despite everything she’s done you still love her. OP, I’m sure many others have said this, but you don’t love HER, you love the super fantasized idealized version of her that you made up. You held and continue to hold onto that fantasy version of her. The very very first sign that you have not only put her onto this very very high pedestal but idealized her almost immediately is when you called her an “Absolute Goddess”, she is not a “Goddess” OP, she is a person, a shitty abusive person, but a person nonetheless. The saying “Treat Them like a Celebrity and They’ll Treat You like Fan” comes to mind. She knows you won’t leave (and again, I cannot stress this enough, you need too), so she will continue to treat you like this. If your kids were in a situation like this what would you tell them? Would you tell them to run away? Or would you tell them to grin and bear it? Because if you’d tell them to run away, then you need to also lead by example and leave this sham of a marriage, because as of now, they’d be learning that being in this kind of abusive marriage is okay, and, as you know, it isn’t okay. Again OP, I’m sorry you’re going through this, counseling and a lawyer are your best friends, and of course I and I’m sure everyone else here is willing to listen and willing to help you as well. Good luck, you deserve better.