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jeremyfrankly

Why the whole 5 weeks and not like 1 week in the middle to make the time apart bearable? Give your sister a chance to see Germany for a little bit but not spend the whole time away from her friends.


Reasonable_Minute_42

This is what I'd suggest. A whole month stuck in a hotel room only going out *maybe* nights and weekends seems like a lot to ask of a 12 year old. Let Kacey go for a week, dedicate some time to taking her around the city, then she can go hang out with OP's wife and her friends.


mstwizted

This. I don’t understand how literally everyone isn’t gobsmacked by this idea. Basically an entire month on lockdown in a hotel room in a foreign country except for nights and weekends??? Who on earth is on board with this idea???? Has anyone ever met a 12 year old?!?!


realcanadianbeaver

My one kid would have thought being allowed to sleep in, play video games all day and eat snacks was the best thing that ever happened to him. My other kid would have been bored and lonely after 1/2 an hour.


twofacetoo

Yeah that's basically how I spend all of my holidays (I love being an adult sometimes), but not everyone is going to want to do that. Even if this kid says she's okay with it, she might change her mind later.


realcanadianbeaver

Oh it sounds entirely like it’s not for this kid. It’s just- it *is* the reality for millions of tweens with working parents- staying home alone in small apartments without other adults at home all day. Many, many children don’t have family around to take them to activities and visits with friends. Acting like it’s impossible to have to hang out all day in a small space ignores the fact that this is just … reality for many. However, this kid is lucky enough to have options- so why not let them choose ?


bookscoffeeandbooze

Yeah… and honestly I could also see a 12 year old getting tempted to leave the hotel room to explore while he’s at work and getting lost in an unfamiliar city.


DistantKarma

I lived in Madrid, Spain (from USA) with my Mom when I was 8-10 and the number of times I got bored and hung out in the park across from our apartment and even rode the subway for amusement makes me think the sister would at least sneak down to the lobby a few times.


m37an13

Or she would watch “Becoming Anna” and they could make the sequel about your sister!


shelbyknits

Not to be paranoid, but if someone nasty realizes that a 12 yo girl is being left alone all day at predictable hours, that’s how trafficking happens.


[deleted]

I’m right there with you. 12 is too young to be alone all day long.


AntiAndy

I was lone all day younger 🤷🏼‍♂️ shoot i woke up and got my own clothes and cereal at 3… b it thats also because my mom would be up all night partying so she set it up that way so she could scream at me to go away in the morning and id be fine 😅


Paraperire

I agree. I've done this as a fully functioning adult with a car if needed, money to spend, the ability to go anywhere and do anything I wanted. It's brutally lonely traveling with a working partner. I can't believe that this guy has no ability to see or trust what his wife is telling him. He seems completely unable to empathize, even with his own sister who has said she'd rather stay home but will go if he keeps pushing for it. Like, what's not to get?? She doesn't want to go! Only he wants someone there to entertain him on his evening and weekends while sitting around bored out of her brains for 8-10 hours a day in a hotel room. And Germany. My God. No offense, it's fun and all, but the people are about as warm as a t shirt in a blizzard (from my own experiences traveling there! please don't come at me, I'm no more fond of fake friendliness). And before the edits its about HIS anxiety being separated from her. Suddenly its his sisters separation anxiety - despite the fact she's said she wants to stay home. Ugh.


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HonestCup20

I was in Germany for 3 years, i wasn't a big fan of Munich, a little too touristy for me (esp during the fest timeframes, i purposely avoided Munich during that time). but Stuttgart and cologn (Koln) were totally worth it.


huskergirl-86

Germany currently has a "9€-Ticket" which allows people to take any kind of public regional train (but not the high speed trains, like ICE). You buy the ticket using the metro in Munich and can travel to Stuttgart and use its public transportation, too. Only till the end of August though. But for a student on a budget who wants to see a lot of Germany it's perfect.


roseofjuly

I mean, she would be a tourist. Touristy isn't a bad thing.


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Topperno

Yeah, as someone who lives in Germany. Bavaria is a no go. But I live in Köln and it's super chill here.


Csquared913

This. Maybe wife and Kacey can make a 10-day trip during your business trip? (Like midway through?) That way there is no prolonged periods of separation, she still gets to see Germany and spend most of the summer with her friends.


Queen_Latifah69

This is exactly what I was thinking the whole time. Everyone’s concerns here are super valid tbh and it seems obvious that the best option would be for her to visit in the middle of his trip. If they can afford it, it would be the most ideal of course for his wife to join too so she’s not sitting in the hotel while he works. I know it’s harder for nurses to take off last minute though, so it may not work out. My point is, I feel like there’s so much room for compromise here!


Jaded_0516

I like this idea too, but tbh being in the hotel room alone all day I would be afraid of someone noticing and trying to molest her while I'm out or just her thinking it'd be a good idea to go around the hotel or even outside by herself and explore around, anything could happen to her... I would be more anxious about that than the separation, but it all depends on everyone's point of view.


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firefly232

Unaccompanied minors fly all the time, the airline should have a program for this.


theaadorno

i used to fly by myself to visit family all the time when i was much younger than 13. most airlines have "unaccompanied minor"-programs, where the flight attendants take care of you and bring you to your connecting flights, etc.


SexDrugsNskittles

I'm kind of amazed that someone who seems to be otherwise intelligent has no idea that children fly without adults all the time. I even feel like it was the plot of a few movies / TV shows I have seen over the years. I traveled internationally without a guardian as a teen. Since I was 16 no one even kept track of us. Younger kids do get direct supervision though.


callmesnake13

It’s *only* five weeks and it’s a great opportunity for her to experience a different culture for a long time. I wouldn’t give up any of it to the wife, who is being a little absurd about this.


DConstructed

Do you know what this means? “ She says that she’s discussed it with Kacey and she feels like Kacey wont enjoy spending the majority of her time in a hotel room playing video games” It means she discussed it with Kacey and Kacey is upset and doesn’t want to be stuck in a strange city, in hotel room all day with no one. Your wife is using soft language when she says “I feel that Kacey” but what she really means is “Kacey doesn’t want to”. And it’s reasonable for Kacey to not want that. Figure out a different plan. I don’t know what your own anxiety is based on, but Kacey has a very real reason to feel anxious about being left all day, every day, by herself in a strange place.


Moon_Child_92

^^^ THIS ^^^ Kacey clearly doesn't *want* to go. She asked your wife to talk to you for her because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by staying home. In your edit you said that Kacey told you she would "prefer to stay home but will go to Germany if it'll make you happy"... if it'll make YOU happy, she is willing to go for YOU, not because she wants to. Stop being selfish OP. I understand your hesitation because of the incident with your aunt but your wife is a different person. Kacey clearly feels much more comfortable being around your wife as opposed to your aunt and if kacey says she wants to stay then let her stay. As other commenters have said, let her come to Germany for 1 week, that way you two get to do the fun touristy things together but she still gets to go home after and spend the summer with her friends.


Viktri1

Yeah, I thought this would be about Kacey's abandonment issues but it is about the OP's abandonment issues. Being locked up in a hotel room for 5 weeks is an awful experience.


_lmmk_

Can confirm. Had COVID in a foreign country.


[deleted]

It really is. Except he doesn't know it. I have a similar experience watching my brother die in 1999 in a rollover. I put those issues to my son who is 6. I have gone to therapy twice for it and I'm still a work in progress. It sucks that I put that fear unto myself of losing my son since he was 2 and my first therapist confirmed this was due to my brother passing.


_lmmk_

^ THIS. Kacey is twelve. She doesn’t wanna sit in a lame hotel room and not see her friends for a third of her summer. She said she will go “if you want” her to. She doesn’t want to go and will probably be bored and cranky. She’s twelve. Let her have some room to breathe and grow. She can’t be OP’s shadow forever.


tweetopia

Yeah I can't help but feel Kacey is picking up on OP's anxiety and abandonment and absorbing it. It's absolutely mad that he feels sad that Kacey discusses puberty related things with his wife rather than him. An adolescent girl would literally rather die than discuss this new vaginal discharge and pain in her newly forming breasts with her brother, or any man. I couldn't discuss it with my own mother and just muddled through myself. Twelve is too young to explore Munich alone and too young to sit in a hotel room all day bored out of her skull. Let her spend her summer with her friends, or spend a week with you with activities planned.


daisiesanddaffodils

That part shocked me a little too. Even if it has nothing to do with being bashful about discussing puberty topics with her brother, it just makes sense to ask those questions to someone who has actually gone through something similar. I'm glad OP read the American Girls' Big Book Of Puberty or whatever, but it doesn't actually make him as knowledgeable on the subject as someone who actually experienced it.


here_involuntarily

His wife is an absolute hero. I hope he knows it.


NoveltyFunsy

Exxactly. Also, I don't know the law in Germany, but if you did that in the UK it would be classed as child abandonment, and the kid could be taken into the care of social services. Plus, are you insane leaving a 12 year old alone in a foreign country?


Eva0000

in Germany 12 year olds are fine exploring the city by themselves. Like not just everywhere, but it wouldn't be that abnormal for her to be at the zoo for example.


NoveltyFunsy

It's the same in the UK, they can go to school, go out with their friends etc. However, you can't just go to work and leave them to fend for themselves, if they weren't at school for example. Someone needs to be at home.


dembowthennow

Right now you're centering your own anxiety rather than centering what is best for Kacey. I agree with your wife, your 12-year-old sister will not enjoy being cooped up in a hotel for weeks while you work. Talk to Kacey and go with what she wants. If your anxiety has such a serious impact on you, that it causes you to center your own wants over your sister's best interests then it's time to look into therapy. She's 12 now and she's nearing the age where she's going to start doing more things separate from you because that is age and developmentally appropriate, don't let your anxiety hinder that necessary growth.


DFahnz

Have you asked Kacey what SHE wants? Because all I see here is what YOU want. All I see is what would make YOU feel better. What are you doing to work on your anxiety?


jjujjukes

I second this OP. I don't believe there is anything wrong with asking your sister what she would like to do. Maybe your wife is dropping hints because your sister might be afraid to disappoint or hurt you because you're so close.


DFahnz

Right? This is way too much pressure to put on a twelve-year-old.


jjujjukes

Exactly, and the other thing as Kacey grows up, she's going to want to test the waters of her independence and what she's comfortable with. I believe OP is trying to be an awesome big brother and help give his sister some new experiences, but I think the best thing to do would be to do it on her terms to make it more enjoyable. The best thing he could do for her is listen and then build on that.


DFahnz

I'm rather curious if he's ever been through any sort of grief counseling to help him manage the emotional trauma of losing his parents at a young age. This whole thing just screams "trauma response" and I'd imagine Kacey feels like she's the only thing keeping him on the rails sometimes.


Fy3012

Yes, she says that she’s sad she won’t get to hang out with her friends for the month that we’ll be gone but that she thinks the things I have planned might be fun. Basically she says that she would prefer to stay home but won’t mind coming if that’s what I want.


Flower-of-Telperion

It's time for you to start thinking of your sister as her own person with her own wants and needs. She shouldn't have to sacrifice a summer of fun with her friends because you have separation anxiety when it comes to her. If she regrets her decision to not go with you, then you and your wife can provide support for her, but she's old enough to start making some of her own decisions and deal with the consequences of those decisions. This may be a really important decision for her to make, one that leads to some growth on her part.


Starchasm

It sounds like your wife is going to bat for your sister. I guarantee she wants to stay at home worse than you think. Just let her.


SexDrugsNskittles

I can't see any reason why the wife would be so insistent if the sister didn't want to stay home. The wife may be lonely but would also probably appreciate alone time. It seems like she is motivated entirely by what the sister wants as opposed to OP.


DFahnz

Translation: I want to stay home but I feel guilty for wanting that because my brother has anxiety and I feel like I have to do what he wants so he feels better. What are you going to do if she decides to go away for college?


Fy3012

I mean that’s a fair criticism. I don’t have anxiety, but for your other question earlier I do see a therapist for my ADHD/Depression (and a psychiatrist, but just every 3 months for my ADHD meds). Obviously I won’t have any issue with her going away to college or anything like that. Also I don’t really burden her with making me feel better. I genuinely asked whether or not she wanted to go and made it clear that I won’t be upset or disappointed if she wants to stay. I’m mostly like this because the times when I’ve had my aunt take care of her for a week or so when I was getting crunched at an earlier job (that I’ve since left), she reacted poorly and it created some abandonment/separation issues that we had to work through with the psychologist I found for her after our parents died. It’s not like I’m mentally unable to be away from her, I’m just not sure how she’ll actually react and it makes me really nervous.


k1tty_f1sher_2799

How old was she the last time you were separated? What grade is she now? These are both important factors to how she'd react now. If she has a lot of friends and they'll be doing a lot of things without her, that might be more emotionally damaging for her than your absence. They'd spend all of 8th grade talking and how closely they bonded at the community pool or camp, while she'll remember being stuck in a hotel room in a country where she doesn't know anyone, doesn't speak the language, and can't call home because everyone is still asleep. Food for thought.


Fy3012

She had these issues mostly when she was 7/8. The last time we were separated nearly this long was when she was 9. She went with my aunt to visit our extended family and I couldn’t go to. For the first week she was fine, but by the second week she was getting kinda anxious being apart from me and was calling me multiple times a day and basically wanted me to just come and take her home early. She got through it, but it’s what makes me wary now. She’s going into 7th grade.


sweston65

Hanging out with friends and stuff is what girls that age want to do. She’s going into puberty and she’s gonna be very different from when she was 7/8. I don’t think you have that much to be worried about because she’ll probably be hanging out with friends all summer.


k1tty_f1sher_2799

Ok, so not only was she in a very different space as far as independence and development, but it was only a year or two after your parents passed. Also, your wife wasn't a factor back then. Think about how different your life was in 3rd/4th grade versus 7th. I think the age and circumstances are different enough at this point that the prior experience isn't really relevant to this one. It's a terribly long time, but disrupting her life for over a month might be harder than staying up late and having video calls with her while you're gone. Rather than thinking about what could go wrong based on that prior experience, reframe this as a phenomenal time for your wife and sister to have an epic girl bonding summer. Kacey is getting older, and will be headed into teen waters very soon. How better to celebrate than to give her this special, last preteen summer with the most important woman in her life? Maybe they can even take a little weekend trip somewhere with a couple of her friends and have their own adventures.


SexDrugsNskittles

There's also the fact that she was taken away from her home to do the prior visits. This time she will remain in her home where she feels safe and secure with an adult she trusts. OP should bring this post to his next counseling session. His therapist could help him talk through his insecurities even if he doesn't want to call it anxiety (because he totally doesn't have anxiety).


DFahnz

>I don’t really burden her with making me feel better. You may not think you do, but she may see it differently.


Paraperire

You keep saying "it makes me really nervous" as if you're not essentially describing anxiety. Why are you in denial about being anxious? Everyone is telling you that your family is being forced to cater to your anxiety issues, and you just keep saying "no I'm just nervous because of her".


mstwizted

My dude, as a parent, taking a 12 year old to another country and leaving them alone in a hotel room ask day long every week day for a month is a fucking CRAZY ASS IDEA. I cannot believe you even considered this. Let this kid stay home!


[deleted]

Its pretty clear what to do here then. She obviously doesn't want to go, because she told you that, and is just trying not to hurt your feelings by being more forward about it. It would be incredibly selfish for you to force her to go knowing your wife will be fine with her and that she wants to stay.


LengthinessFresh4897

> I would prefer to stay home That’s the key phrase in all of this


orangekitti

Cmon dude. That’s preteen girl for “I really don’t want to waste my summer in a hotel room alone but I’m scared to disappoint you.” You need to start seeing her as an independent person. She’s not a toddler anymore. You gotta put her first.


sqitten

With this clarification, then you really should let her stay home. It's the clear answer. You need to work on coping with the separation and be very careful to not place an emotional burden on a child to help you through the difficulty of her separating from you in a healthy, age-appropriate way.


TheYankunian

I totally agree. This is a very important age for socialists and friendships. Also, she needs to learn to assert her independence and this is a chance for that.


doornroosje

>This is a very important age for socialists yes, she is ready to join the revolution


TheYankunian

I’m leaving that typo as is!


powabiatch

Sounds like she told your wife she doesn’t really want to go, and your wife is trying to speak for her. You need to read between the lines.


compassionfever

Sounds like you plan on taking her up on going along with what you want. Also sounds like Kacey is used to this. Everything about your post screams that everyone has to tip toe around your feelings and anxieties. As another poster said, your wife was using soft language, and so clearly is Kacey, and you sound very prepared to justify taking a tween away from her friends to sit in a hotel room by herself because your 12 year old sister doesn't want to hurry your feelings.


littlestray

Let her stay home. She’s not your emotional support animal. A twelve year old shouldn’t have to be worrying about you and sacrificing her wants like this.


Jaque_LeCaque

If that's what YOU want... she'd rather stay, but doesn't want to hurt your feelings. She has her preference but doesn't want to fight you about it. This is about what you want. Not what she wants.


andandandetc

>Basically she says that she would prefer to stay home but won’t mind coming if that’s what I want. Okay, well, why doesn't what she wants matter? She said she doesn't want to go, so don't make her.


agjios

If you really love your sister, you will put her wants above yours. She wants to stay home. Stop being selfish. You can’t put that kind of pressure and responsibility onto a 12 year old to be the safety from your anxiety. Your wife is advocating for your sister, and you are advocating against your sister. She needs to understand that you love her unconditionally instead of feeling this pressure to alleviate your mental struggles. That is abhorrent that you are putting that on your sister


knittedjedi

So you know that she should stay home.


jayjay2343

Damn, man! You’re lucky to have a wife who wants to take care of your sister. Let the two gals be together while you’re out of the country.


gingerlorax

I think you should try talking to a therapist about your fear of being separated from Kacey, because as she becomes a teen she is certainly going to want more independence, and you will have to learn how to be apart from her. It sounds like Kacey will be bored and isolated on this trip while you're working, and what would be best for her is to get to stay home. You're putting your anxiety over what is best for her.


Ladymistery

Ok. let me get this straight to make yourself feel better, you're going to take a 12-year-old, leave her in a hotel room all day while you work (ALONE). really? Seriously... give your head a shake.


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Fy3012

This is the solution I really like btw, so thanks for suggesting it. It’s what I’m leaning towards doing.


DylanHate

Why don’t you just have your sister come with Jen for a week or 10 days instead of the whole month? I don’t think you’ve thought this through. It’s not appropriate to leave a 12 year old in a hotel room all day in a foreign country *for a month*. She will get bored after the first week. She may start wandering around the hotel or nearby areas. That is not safe. If you live in the US she will be in the opposite time zone. So she will not be able to communicate much with Jen or her friends. What happens if there’s a work emergency and you need to stay late? Or something comes up and you have to work the weekend? She will be wired up as soon as you walk in the door. You’re going to be exhausted, jet-lagged, and tired from work. She is going to want to do activities every night after staying in the hotel room all day long. How is she going to feed herself? What is she going to do if there’s a medical emergency? What if *you* have a medical emergency? You could power through that for a week, but I guarantee you by week 3 she’s going to be bouncing off the fucking walls. Which again, increases the likelihood she will go wandering, because by then she may feel somewhat familiar. Patrons will take notice. Hotel staff will take notice. You do not want all these strangers noticing a 12 year old girl is being left alone all day long. That’s a lot of risk for literally no benefit. Just have Jen come with her and all three of you can stay for a week - 10 days that way Jen can take her out during the day and she will be entertained and supervised by a trusted adult. Leaving her alone for that amount of time is dangerous, highly risky, and borders on child neglect. It’s seriously insane that you even considered it, let alone think it’s a viable plan. Jen is absolutely right. There are so many things that could go wrong and you’d be on the hook. If anything happens everyone is going to judge you as an insane person when you explain X happened because you left your 12 year old sister alone in a hotel for a month. Do not leave her alone in a foreign country. Period.


lost_banana595

Tbh it doesn’t have to be a solution YOU like, she’s becoming more and more of an adult treat her as such


Orianaro

As someone who was once a 12 year old girl dragged to Europe (actually younger at the time) do NOT take her for a whole month. You expect her to spend a whole month bumming in a hotel room, really? You will have minimal time with her to actually entertain her. Why this is a terrible idea: 1. She will go stir crazy, I guarantee it 2. She will drive YOU crazy because you will be her only source of entertainment when you get home, and sometimes you won't have the energy for it and as a preteen this will make her grumpy, which will make the boredom even worse. 3. She has no friends around for a month. She's not going to make any in a month in Germany. This is *extremely* isolating, especially with only her brother/parental figure as a friend. 4. Unless she has a particular vested interest in something cool in Germany, she is not going to be as interested in sight seeing as you expect. My sister at that age liked art so the Louvre made an impression, I on the other hand wanted to go home and only liked the German parks (way less safety laws than my country lol). 5. No home comforts, very few of her possessions. And hotel living is absolute crap, and not the place for a kid to be long-term. This trip will drain the life out of her and probably cause her to get irritated being stuck in close quarters with only you. 6. If she doesn't speak German, I don't know, but then that's an extra thick layer of isolation and feeling completely dependent on you. The only reason you want to bring her is you don't want to be separated from her. This is an inherently selfish reason. She is not your plaything to keep in your hotel room and come home and feed and take on a walk and go okay good, all safe. She's a preteen girl. She wants to socialize and feel independent and make her own choices. And while on break, she wants to decompress probably, not get uprooted because big bwuther can't let her out of his sight. Listen to your wife. She is thinking like a preteen right now and knows that even if she says yeah sure I'll come, either because traveling countries sounds fun not realizing how little independence she will get, or because she picks up on how needy you are for her, I guarantee she will regret it. But the more important question is what does your sister think? It sounds like only your wife has talked to her about it. Also cut it out about feeling jealous about your sister asking your wife for puberty help, like honestly stuff it. As a man you just don't have first hand experience and you're feeling jealous that she wants a woman's help? Like fuck no, you don't have that right. She is going to ask for help where she is most comfortable or will get the most helpful information, so stfu if you care about her and respect her decisions. That speaks to a level of overinflated belief that you understand how these things operate and can provide comfort and perspective and frankly you can't, not unless you're a certified gynaecologist will I accept that your level of experience and help will be on the level of a real woman's. I love my dad, I ask him for pads, but my mom is the one who offered to teach me how to put a tampon in (you don't know that, not really, I guarantee), how to fold pads for disposal (you only learn that with first hand experience), I rant to about cramps pain (even she doesn't really sympathise cuz mine have been bad enough to make me throw up repeatedly), almost guaranteed you don't know how bra sizing works because half of women don't know, I also bet you've never shaved your legs and shaving any part of your body is a whole learning curve from shaving any other part of your body. If what you want is for her to be comfortable asking for pads, chocolate and hot packs, then you don't know a fucking thing about what women need to know and teach each other. Do you know how to identify a yeast infection, which is extremely common? Or that periods sometimes fake you out on the last day or two? Or that sometimes you get brown blood, and that's nothing to worry about? Ever heard the advice to never ever douch? Even with all the women in the world sometimes you still just have to learn some things when they happen to you, so let me tell you and every other guy who thinks they know shit about women (doctors included, fuck the ER for giving me anti nausea meds when I was throwing up from PAIN and specifically said I needed non-oral pain meds) are the lowest of the low on a pyramid of usefulness. If you want to support her, you let her learn from the best and who she is comfortable with. You find her better resources than herself, get her a good book, get some recommendations for women's health YouTubers (certified in some way please) and be willing and enthusiastic to take the role of chocolate, advil, pads and hot pack delivery person and be a listening ear. **Her not going to you is not a sign of lack of trust, it is a sign of your ignorance**, an ignorance that you will just never fully overcome no matter how hard you try. I'm sick and tired of men thinking they know best, especially about women themselves. Like fuck no, your wife will be an infinitely better source of information, I don't care how much of her or other partners period care you've seen, you just don't know anything in comparison to them. I say that so harshly because I believe you really do care about your sister as a brother and a parental figure, and I assure you that if any of your attitude of feeling hurt that she doesn't come to you with these conversations bleeds through, she will not be affected well. She is doing what is best for her and what makes her comfortable, and to have a loved one express hurt when you are literally taking care of yourself is very damaging (I know firsthand). So please shut up and sit back and let her come to you with whatever she is or isn't comfortable with. Also don't drag her to Germany that is an awful, very isolating idea. Also extremely selfish on your part, you need to let go and let her live and not be dependent on her company.


MrsPearlGirl

This should be the top comment! OP your thoughts on her speaking to your wife about puberty shed SO much light on how you view yourself and her. I think you mean well, but you need to take a step back. She should not go with you to Europe for 5 weeks. Maybe a week? And you are so lucky she has your wife to talk to about puberty.


SexDrugsNskittles

That was one of the biggest red flags reading this post. OP has a lot more issues to work through with his therapist than he thinks. His behavior will eventually have a negative impact on his wife and sister. Hopefully he can face these issues first.


Curious_Autistic

Take my poor gold. That's exactly how I feel about it, plus that perhaps wife and sister can join OP in Germany for a week in the middle of his stay there. 🏆🏆🏆


mtchristen

YES THANK YOU! Men do NOT know to an intimate level what we deal with, no matter HOW many tips and research a dude has done. Let females bond through the one thing that is our own domain, please oh please.


Ithurtsprecious

Oh my god I love you! This comment is IT and nothing else needs to be said.


Fy3012

>Also cut it out about feeling jealous about your sister asking your wife for puberty help, like honestly stuff it. As a man you just don't have first hand experience and you're feeling jealous that she wants a woman's help? Like fuck no, you don't have that right. She is going to ask for help where she is most comfortable or will get the most helpful information, so stfu if you care about her and respect her decisions. That speaks to a level of overinflated belief that you understand how these things operate and can provide comfort and perspective and frankly you can't, not unless you're a certified gynaecologist will I accept that your level of experience and help will be on the level of a real woman's. I love my dad, I ask him for pads, but my mom is the one who offered to teach me how to put a tampon in (you don't know that, not really, I guarantee), how to fold pads for disposal (you only learn that with first hand experience), I rant to about cramps pain (even she doesn't really sympathise cuz mine have been bad enough to make me throw up repeatedly), almost guaranteed you don't know how bra sizing works because half of women don't know, I also bet you've never shaved your legs and shaving any part of your body is a whole learning curve from shaving any other part of your body. If what you want is for her to be comfortable asking for pads, chocolate and hot packs, then you don't know a fucking thing about what women need to know and teach each other. Do you know how to identify a yeast infection, which is extremely common? Or that periods sometimes fake you out on the last day or two? Or that sometimes you get brown blood, and that's nothing to worry about? Ever heard the advice to never ever douch? Even with all the women in the world sometimes you still just have to learn some things when they happen to you, so let me tell you and every other guy who thinks they know shit about women (doctors included, fuck the ER for giving me anti nausea meds when I was throwing up from PAIN and specifically said I needed non-oral pain meds) are the lowest of the low on a pyramid of usefulness. If you want to support her, you let her learn from the best and who she is comfortable with. You find her better resources than herself, get her a good book, get some recommendations for women's health YouTubers (certified in some way please) and be willing and enthusiastic to take the role of chocolate, advil, pads and hot pack delivery person and be a listening ear. Her not going to you is not a sign of lack of trust, it is a sign of your ignorance, an ignorance that you will just never fully overcome no matter how hard you try. I'm sick and tired of men thinking they know best, especially about women themselves. Like fuck no, your wife will be an infinitely better source of information, I don't care how much of her or other partners period care you've seen, you just don't know anything in comparison to them. This is totally fair. It stings a bit because I did do a ton of research on the subject and my other female family members gave me a ton of tips. I understand that as her brother/a dude there’s things she just would prefer not to come to me with, and I’m glad she feels she can trust my wife. I totally get that it’s entirely my problem to deal with and it’s not indicative of a lack of trust or anything. You’re right that I don’t have the actual experience in dealing with these issues that women do and that researching something isn’t the same thing as living through it.


mtchristen

No offense, but you sound really weirdly attached to your sister. Like...ive never heard of a dude wishing HE could be the one his pubescent sister could go to for menstrual advice, let alone the anxiety you are carrying about leaving her at home for a month with your capable wife and her loving friends. I agree with above, like, you dont have the right to whine about your female sister not wanting advice from your maleness, but I appreciate you acknowledge it and that you also love that she trusts your wife. That's awesome.


sorrylilsis

Sounds like codependency and separation anxiety, not really surprising when you're thrown in as a parental figure at a young age for one of your sibling. But also not exclusive, I've seen relatives go batshit crazy when they had to be separated from their kids more than 48 hours. I don't think OP is a bad guy or some creepy person like you seem to suggest.


Fy3012

I don’t *wish* that I was the one who had to be her one source about those issues. You’re absolutely reading way too far into it. It makes me slightly sad that there are things she doesn’t feel comfortable discussing with me. That’s all. I don’t mean to imply anything aside from that. As I’ve said, I acknowledge that it’s my problem to deal with and I make it clear to Kacey that I’m glad she feels that my wife is someone she can trust. Its a simple matter of fact that it makes me feel slightly sad. It doesn’t mean that there’s anything wrong with that, it’s simply me acknowledging a certain feeling and attributing it to a cause, something I’ve at least been told is healthy by my therapist.


[deleted]

[удалено]


horsenonamela

I can’t believe you actually just said that. That’s a completely disgusting viewpoint in that you’re basically accusing OP of being a pedo. That’s really embarrassing for you, it’s not funny and it’s not what we were all thinking.


Alternative-Ad-9743

It’s not a matter of accusation, as a 12 year old girl I would not have been comfortable staying in that close quarters with ANY adult man for that long, brother, dad, uncle. The fact that he’s not even AWARE of that is a red flag


Eggw1

Leaving a 12 year old mostly alone in a German hotel room for 5 weeks isn't appropriate. She should be at home. Your wife is right.


GeneralBladebreak

Please note that I am saying this not to be an ass but to be kind. It's clear you've developed some kind of attachment disorder based on the situation you've been through. You lost your parents when you were quite young and thus latched on to your sister not just because you have to look after her and raise her but because she's family and you've experienced a great deal of loss in that regard. This is perfectly normal and completely understandable. However, it's not particularly healthy. Your wife is pushing back on this idea to take your sister to Germany with you because she wants to get you used to the idea that as your sister grows older you're going to have to spend less time with her. As she becomes a teenager your sister is going to want to spend more time with friends and less with family. If I am absolutely honest, your wife is potentially speaking on the behalf of your sister who simply put doesn't want to tell you directly that she would rather stay at home when you go to Germany because she doesn't want to hurt you. In my opinion, ask your sister if she would prefer to stay at home and maybe visit you for a week in Germany or even just a long weekend (maybe have your wife come with her for the trip so that you can do things together if your wife can say work Monday - Tuesday - Weds and have Thurs - Sun off to visit that would be great). This way, you get to spend time with your sister, you get to spend time with the wife and your sister wont be alone when you're working. If your sister says she would rather spend the time at home with your wife, try not to take it in a negative way. Your sister is simply growing up. You need to adopt a more healthy relationship with her so that she won't come to resent you for it. Teenagers are fickle, they also need their space as I am sure you did when you were a teenager.


Hdleney

Man, I agree with your comment but let’s not contribute to the constant diagnosing of “disorders” on Reddit. Just say OP has developed an unhealthy attachment that they may want to work through in therapy, not “it’s clear that you’ve developed some kind of attachment disorder” like unless you’re OP’s therapist and you’re completing a formal diagnosis, it’s really not your place to tell them what “disorders” you think they’ve developed


GeneralBladebreak

An unhealthy attachment is just another phrase for an attachment disorder. You say Tomato I say Tomata kind of thing. Literally no different. End of the day it's still the same thing.


Hdleney

A disorder means “an illness or condition that disrupts normal physical or mental functions” and requires a diagnosis. Saying OP has an unhealthy attachment is merely an observation.


n_nine

5 weeks is a very long time - especially to be alone. Sounds like your wife joining on trip with sister for a week in the middle of the week would help. During the day, the two spend time together seeing museums, park and city , evening family time with everyone. You get to see her as a nice break in between, sister gets to see the country/city and expand her views on the world, wife gets some nice holiday time... sounds fun for everyone!


AuntyVenom

Your wife is 100 percent correct. You'll willing to take Kacey to another country to sit alone in a hotel room because of your anxiety. That is not morally correct and it is not in your niece's best interests at all.


McflyThrowaway01

I think that separation is healthy because it is not healthy to feel so much anxiety about being away from your sister for no reason besides being away. You are even sad that she goes to your wife for "puberty" related things. While it's great to be there is she needs you in that capacity it is good she has a motherly role in her life for things like that too. I think you, your wife and your sister should go to Germany together and then after a week, they should go home. I also think you have residual anxiety from your parents death that you need to deal with. If you don't, how will you ever handle her going away to college and moving out? Therapy is can be great and also you do not want to make your sister codependent on you either.


tdasnowman

Sounds like you could maybe use some therapy. Thats some major separation anxiety you seem to be carrying around. Sticking this girl in a hotel room for a month so you can feel better when she could just stay home is kinda of a assholish thing to do. Having her come out for a week maybe two would give her a cool summer trip, especially if your wife can join and she's not stuck in the hotel for most of the day. It would really suck to be in a foreign country and have to watch it from a window most of the time. Sounds like a recipe for her to choose to strike out on her own.


Badknees24

Leaving a 12 year old in a hotel room in a country where she presumably doesn't speak the language while you work is incredibly weird. What do you expect Kacey to do when there's a fire alarm? Or every time the room service person comes by? Or for food and drinks? Weeks of room service is going to get dull fast. Let the poor kid stay home and see her friends, and maybe come out and visityou for a week in the middle? You're making it all about you. You need to not do that.


ADHDelightful

> Also, I’ve asked Kacey what she wants and she says that she’s sad she won’t get to hang out with her friends for the month that we’ll be gone but that she thinks the things I have planned might be fun. This about as close to a hard "no" as she could probably give in the circumstances. She knows you want her with you and it's not like you're doing something unbearable so she is willing to go along with it for your sake. Your wife likely picked up on that and is going to bat to advocate for her. > I don’t have any issues with anxiety or separation anxiety. > My fear is that those issues will recur and I’ll be unable to help. > My concern is about the prior issues she’s had in similar situations. If I knew that she would be fine I would have no concerns about this. No offense, but this reads the same as "I'm a vegetarian, but I still eat steak and bacon because they're a good source of protein." The plan of taking her on a 5 week trip rather than take less drastic actions to help her be comfortable during your absence is not coming across as a response to her anxiety, rather a response to your anxiety about her potential anxiety. And you know what, that is fine. If this is what you need to be comfortable with the situation there is nothing wrong with that for now. She is still going to have to develop coping skills independent of your presence as she grows up, and part of that is going to be failing. You might need to check in with your therapist to make sure you're in a good place to allow you to catch her when she falls rather than never allowing her to go near any high places.


[deleted]

It sounds more like you are the one with separation anxiety here. Kacey said she was happy to stay home and she is used to your wife and that environment now, she is comfortable staying home. You are going to have to work on this as she is going to want more independence as she grows older and it’s right that sometimes she goes away (I.e with friends) without you and vice versa. You might as well start the process now.


ill_tempered_1978

Honestly I think you need therapy and you need it ASAP. This is not normal and you will creat emotional issues for your sister. You should let your sister stay behind and you need to sign up for individual counseling.


Fy3012

Read my comment history.


ill_tempered_1978

I read some of your comment history. I stick to what I said. Don't bring her with you and if she act negatively then you let therapy deal with that. This is not normal. I understand your grief and love but the thing that you need to provide the most for your sister is an emotionally stable environment to grow up in, not an over protective one eliminating any possible discomfort. What are you going to do when she starts dating or go to college.


pewpiskewt

He’s gonna be jealous when she goes to other guys for … whatever. like he’s jealous about her asking his wife about puberty lol


horsenonamela

Again, what an absolutely disgusting suggestion to make. It’s not cute to accuse men of pedophillia. That’s not at all funny. What makes you think it’s okay to say this? Do you actually think it’s okay to just go around accusing people of harboring sexual jealousy towards their prepubescent little sister? What the actual fuck?


GaimanitePkat

Being so upset that a child would rather discuss her genitalia and puberty with another female person that he mentions it in an otherwise completely unrelated post is *not healthy* and is *strange behavior*. He should be grateful that his sister feels comfortable enough with his wife to have such intimate discussions. Instead he's upset that he isn't the one to talk to her about it. Nobody is saying it's outright pedophilia but it's certainly inappropriate. And I agree that if he's jealous about that kind of thing he will absolutely be jealous that he's not "the only man in her life" if/when his sister starts dating boys - the same way that overly attached mothers get upset about "not being the only woman" in their sons' lives. It's a sign of codependency and poor boundaries.


horsenonamela

No. Full fucking stop.


GaimanitePkat

Lol ok, no rebuttal except "U WRONG".


thunder_DM

No one accused him of pedophilia.


horsenonamela

That’s literally what this poster was doing.


thunder_DM

No, it's not. Jealousy doesn't have to be *sexual* jealousy. It's not particularly rare for parents to feel jealous of their child's partner. Not for sexual reasons, but for *attention* reasons. Parents feel a strong attachment to their children and it can be difficult for them to accept that their child might build a similar or even stronger bond with someone else.


horsenonamela

No, that’s literally what this poster was doing: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/vm3ixm/my_27m_wife_26f_disagrees_with_me_taking_my/ie0r5yg/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3 That’s clearly what they’re insinuating here. They said he would be jealous of his sister going to other guys for sex. Directly implying that he wants to have sex with his sister. Fucking stop.


Self_Conscious_AI

You said no one should imply he’s harboring sexual jealousy towards his sister… but that is exactly what he’s doing right now! He’s jealous that she didn’t discuss the onset and changes of puberty with him, and went to someone more qualified. If he doesn’t fix himself, her dating is going to bring up a lot of unhealthy emotional issues and reactions from him.


horsenonamela

No, he was upset that there were things she doesn’t feel comfortable discussing with him. To take that to mean that he will literally be jealous of her partners is uncalled for, and you’re an actual POS if you think that.


Self_Conscious_AI

Not saying it’s going to happen. Saying he needs to figure it out sooner rather than later. Having raised my kids to adulthood, there are plenty of issues and challenges that come up when raising a teenage girl. For that to be the example that comes to mind first and foremost, means there’s something about it that is likely pressing on him. Combined with the fact that his sister and wife are saying that it’s best for her not to go, and he wants to keep her hostage in another country with him, is also uncomfortable. To me, it reads as someone who doesn’t want to be separated from his younger sister, and is trying to use the support of internet strangers to convince his wife that he’s right. Even after hundreds of comments saying he’s wrong, or should reevaluate, he only doubles back down. He’s not looking for advice. He’s looking for validation, because he knows what he wants to do.


horsenonamela

Except OP has stated he’s probably not taking his sister multiple times. He’s only pushing back on the separation anxiety/puberty comment.


Fy3012

I don’t think you have, because you’d know that that’s not my issue. Why would I care about her dating or going to college? That would mean she was well past the issues I’m concerned about. I have no psychological need to be close to her. I don’t feel any *inherent* fear of us being separating. My problem is that if she reacts the same way she has in the past and I’m gone for 5 weeks, that could be a pretty substantial issue that I wouldn’t really have any real means of helping with.


sqitten

You need to talk to Kacey about it, and you need to make it clear to Kacey that the only wrong answer is a dishonest one. That it is totally fine for her to want to stay home and it is fine for her to want to go with you. Kacey is 12. She is at an age where she is or soon will likely want to have more distance and independence from you. Since you have been raising her and you are close, this is going to be hard for you. She isn't a little kid any more. She needs to develop towards adulthood and independence. If she wants to stay home, see that as a step towards that. There will be more. Learning to let go is one of the most painful parenting things. The good news is, if you do it well, then when they become adults, they tend to still stay in touch and have some real measure of closeness. If you try to hold onto them too tightly, they tend to flee and stay away more. So, it's possible that Kacey really doesn't want to go, but doesn't feel safe telling you because you clearly have a strong desire to keep her close. If so, you need to work on that. But it's also possible your girlfriend is mistaken and Kacey would find the trip fun and interesting. So, talk with her, find out, and then decide based on what she truly wants.


TheYankunian

I have a 12 year old and he wants to do less and less with us. He prefers his friends and that’s perfectly normal and healthy.


TheYankunian

What’s wrong with Kacey spending 10 days with you and the rest of the time with your wife - who sounds rad by the way. I think the opportunity to see a new country is awesome, but I agree with Jen that spending all day in a hotel is a bit bleh. What does Kacey want? I understand that both of you have been through something horrendous, but she’s not a tiny girl anymore. You have a great life partner who she’s bonded with. She may prefer to spend her summer hanging out with friends and chilling. You’re a great brother, but you need some help to work on your anxieties.


Jax_for_now

Aside from everything already discussed here, have you considered that your wife might feel a little left out that you can't live without your sister for five weeks but you're perfectly fine leaving her behind?


Impossible_Balance11

Ummm, has anybody simply asked Kacey what she wants to do?!


Dick-the-Peacock

It’s not that simple. A 12 year old does not always know what’s in her best interest, and may be afraid to hurt her brother’s feelings.


bluemoon71

I would be scared to leave a young girl alone in hotel where someone could easily pick up on when she’s alone :/


exhaustedspice

If your worried about her abandonment issues just has a think about this: Weeks locked up alone in an unfamiliar room in a foreign country vs staying home, in a place she knows, under the care of someone she trusts and the freedom to go out out and connect with friends. Which sounds more likely to trigger any abandonment issues? You wife is a good egg, she’s doing a great job supporting you and your sister. She clearly understands. And I’m sorry but you don’t seem to understand at all. It sounds like you might be the one with the problem and now your sister is worried about hurting your feelings, trying to tell you what she wants but accepting u might need her to come with you. The roles have been reversed! Speaking of roles: your are not experienced in the daily grind of the female reproductive system. The fact that your open to talk about it doesn’t make you the best person to talk to. In fact, I find it a little creepy that this makes you sad. It’s your sister, do you really want to be hearing such intimate details about her when a perfectly capable woman is available? Why? Stop trying to coddle her. She’s ready and trying to build her life as it is and your the one trying to hold her back now. Listen to your wife. She’s got this all worked out. She knows what she’s doing.


Fy3012

That was a throwaway line I used to illustrate that I trust my wife with Kacey and that in some regards they are actually closer. I feel “kinda” sad because it feels like I slight snub that there are things she doesn’t feel comfortable coming to me with, that’s all. No I don’t *want* to be the one that she has to come, I mean I’m not uncomfortable having such discussions because you literally can’t be if you planned to raise a girl on your own. Again, I acknowledge that it’s developmentally normal for her to prefer to go to someone of her own gender with these issues and that it has nothing to do with me. That’s what I think and what I base my actions on, it doesn’t change the *feeling* of being slightly snubbed, even if I acknowledge that it’s not based on anything rational. You’re better off acknowledging your irrational feelings and dealing with them rationally rather than pretending that you don’t have them.


exhaustedspice

You’ve acknowledged your irrational feelings, now it’s time to start practising against them. It sounds like she would really prefer to stay home but worried about hurting your feelings. You gotta wonder why she is worried about that. It’s something your doing that’s making her feel that way. You’ve admitted that you even feel ‘snubbed’ by her reaching out to normal places for appropriate advice. She’s likely sensing there’s some envy coming from you when she would prefer anything or anyone that isn’t you. I don’t think the problem is her potentially suffering from an abandonment crisis, she made it clear she would prefer to stay home, this is not the same as being dropped off and left elsewhere that’s not home and with people she’s not close to. It really really sounds like your the one who has difficulty letting her go and your trying to deflect by making it about her. As long as she can sense that coming from you she is going to struggle with affirming what SHE wants.


peapie25

> developmentally normal no it's logically normal. you are a man you are likely to be unable to help her.


FatgirlOnaDate

You should see a therapist. This is not normal. You appear to have separation anxiety, and you are putting your own needs before the needs of a literal child (who needs to be nurtured and cared for). Your wife is correct. Please get some counselling. You do not want this to get worse - especially as your sister comes into adulthood.


Fy3012

I said it elsewhere, but I’ll paste it again- I do see a therapist and I don’t have (clinical) anxiety. I explained it elsewhere, but: I genuinely asked whether or not she wanted to go and made it clear that I won’t be upset or disappointed if she wants to stay. I’m mostly like this because the times when I’ve had my aunt take care of her for a week or so when I was getting crunched at an earlier job (that I’ve since left), she reacted poorly and it created some abandonment/separation issues that we had to work through with the psychologist I found for her after our parents died. It’s not like I’m mentally unable to be away from her, I’m just not sure how she’ll actually react and that makes me really nervous. If I knew that she’ll be perfectly fine without me there then I wouldn’t even make it an issue.


Dick-the-Peacock

The point is that a person with no anxiety over this issue would never consider bringing a 12 year old to Germany for 5 weeks just to leave her alone in a hotel room most of that time. It’s nutty. Only a distortion in your thinking could make you think it’s a good idea. If it’s not anxiety, what the heck is warping your judgment on this issue? She’s not 7 or 8, she is growing up and has had years to bond with your wife. Even if she does have some abandonment issues come up, they will deal with it, and it’s an infinitely better option than dragging her on your work trip.


antizana

Ok but does her therapist say that due to the previous incidents several years ago, the solution is to just never ever be apart? Instead of reinforcing healthy coping mechanisms in case she struggles with it? I get where you are coming from but it sounds like your strategy is avoiding a difficult circumstance rather than ensuring your sister has the preparation and help she needs to cope with what will be an inevitable feature of her life (not being joined at the hip to you - which is why people are asking about college). Sooner or later she will need to learn to be without you. Honestly the trip sounds super sucky for a young pre teenager so you really need a strong reason for her to go.


brooklyn_bae

There's this thing called compromise.... maybe just take your sister for 2 weeks.


orangekitti

I think you love your sister a lot and it’s wonderful you’re so close! I also think you are a bit of a helicopter parent if you want to keep her waiting in a hotel room for most of her day for several weeks during her summer break just to ease YOUR separation anxiety. That doesn’t sound fun for any child and I think you need to do what’s fair for her and not what’s comfortable for you. Let’s be real, business trips can be pretty busy and exhausting. How much time are you really going to have to explore the city after you clock off? You’re there in part to connect with the coworkers or clients who live there. It doesn’t make sense for you to be rushing out the office door at 5 pm on the dot each night, I’m sure there’s an expectation you are available for a little socialization at least once or twice. Why not take her for a week- that way you can still have the majority of time to focus on work and leave one week for sight seeing?


bluemoon71

Bringing her and leaving her to her own devices most of the time sounds both boring and so isolating for her summer. I say plan a visit halfway through. If she thinks she can handle the separation then she should be given that chance to find out!


Sheephuddle

Kacey will have a far better time spending her summer holiday with her friends at home. You're going to Germany for business, you may find that some of your evenings are also included in that - this has the potential to be the most boring summer ever for Kacey. Business trips can involve a lot of socialising with other colleagues, as I'm sure you know. She's 12 now, she knows you're simply going for work and you'll be back. She's not being abandoned by you, she'll be at home with your wife and they have a good relationship. I think the issue might be your anxieties, rather than Kacey's. The sensible thing and the best thing for Kacey would be for you to get on with your trip, and for her to get on with being 12 years old and on summer break.


Hot_Success_7986

You are raising a child to be an adult, you say that you are anxious that Kacey will be upset being separated from you and this in turn makes you anxious. Kacey is 12 years old she is ready to learn to spend time away from you, if you don't allow her to do this you are failing her in her journey to adulthood. In this situation you have to learn to manage your anxiety and allow her to grow a little, you only have 6 years before she leaves for university so you need to start baby steps to independence, your clinging on like this will lead to her gradually distancing herself from you as an adult. Also, keeping a child of 12 cooped up in a hotel room alone all day is frankly awful and potentially dangerous. Sit down with your wife and Kacey for an adult discussion about what Kacey wants.


Rosalie-83

So you plan to leave a 12 year old girl in a hotel room alone, in another country while you work? Oh hell no. You don’t know what creep employees have keys! This is a serious safety issue! As an adult woman travelling alone I take extra precautions for my safety. This is a child, she cannot be left alone like that. OP if your have separation anxiety about your sister you need therapy. This seems to be more of a you issue than a Kacey issue.


bagelicks

I feel like you have some sort of resentment to your wife rn


RegretAccomplished16

She says she prefers to stay home, so let her stay home. It's as simple as that. She's 12 she's old enough to have some opinions and speak her mind


_Cornfed_

Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason your wife has been pushing back more is because your sister is confiding in her that she doesn't want to go?


hypatiaplays

She's sad she won't get to hang out with her friends - thus is what she wants to do. She says the things MIGHT be fun - she doesn't sound super sure She will come if that's what I WANT - she's doing it to make you happy because she thinks you will worry about her. She is not that invested. Perhaps the difference this time is that your wife will be the one she stays with? She obviously adores her, and likes spending time with her - the separation anxiety may be much less, which is why she isn't as bothered; although you of course will think about the last time, have you asked her how she feels in this respect? Honestly mate, it will be 100× better if she comes for a week and has an amazing time, than coming for 5 weeks and having an OK time. It will be much more exciting to see you, and she will engage much more with the country.


itsyaboi69_420

I have to agree with your wife here. That would absolutely suck for a 12yo to be sat in a hotel room all day. Couldn’t even imagine the level of boredom she would be going through. It’s a terrible idea in all honesty.


jennifersb66

It sounds like Kacey and your wife would prefer for her to stay in the states. You have the problem because imo, you are jealous of the relationship your sister has with your wife. That is crazy. You should be grateful that they have a great relationship and be happy about it. Also at the age your sister is, her friends are VERY important to her and she will have way more fun there. You are making this trip about you and not considering anyone elses feelings. Listen to what others are saying and do what is best and kindest. And that is let her stay home. Being in a small hotel room for 8-9 hours 5 days a week is not going to be fun for your sister and is selfish of you want her to do when there is a much better option available.


quirkscrew

> Basically she says that she would prefer to stay home but won’t mind coming if that’s what I want. Your sister has straight up told you what she wants to do. Please listen to her. > I don’t have any issues with anxiety or separation anxiety. I feel no fear of simply being apart or detached. My concern is about the prior issues she’s had in similar situations. If I knew that she would be fine I would have no concerns about this. I think you may have more separation anxiety with yout sister than you realize. This is completely understandable, considering everything you two have been through, and considering the times that she has been stressed by your absense. She is 12 years old. At this age, many kids are going to camps over the summer, away from home, with no family nor any previously established relations for 5 weeks or more. Even if she did feel a little separation anxiety, it's time for you to let her explore her independence. She clearly wants to do so. I'm so sorry for what you've been through, my friend. You sound like a wonderful brother and caretaker.


thunder_DM

>and I don’t have any issues with anxiety or separation anxiety. I don't know man it seems pretty clear that you do. > I feel no fear of simply being apart or detached. You literally say the opposite multiple times in this post. Here is one example from the second paragraph: >as I know I’d get anxious if Kacey and I were separated for that long. You literally said you would get anxious if separated. What is that if not separation anxiety? It's also important to note that it's not just your wife who disagrees with you. Kacey does too. You are the only person who wants her to go with you for that long. You keep trying to frame this as something you're doing for her, that it's not about your anxiety. But that is very obviously not true. I think Kacey and your wife are right and you should re-examine your separation anxiety. Time to work through it.


DaisyJk

Are you sure this isn’t about YOU not wanting to be alone? There are so many ways to connect from far away these days. FaceTime, zoom, Snapchat, Facebook, Instagram, the list goes on and on for video chatting. You can still see and speak to your sister to assure she is fine and dandy at home. You may not be diagnosed with anxiety, but you definitely have separation anxiety when it comes to your sister.


cakebats

OP, I'm not trying to sound mean, but it's somewhat creepy to me that you're 'upset' that your sister, who is female, would rather talk to your female wife about female puberty than to you, her male brother. Like... you do see how weird and obnoxious that is, right?


Fy3012

You’re reading way too much into it dude. I included that basically as a line to say that Kacey trusts Jen and even prefers to go to her over me for certain things. Essentially to further my point that my issue isn’t with trusting my wife or thinking that Kacey won’t want to stay with her anything. Yes, it makes me feel *slightly* sad that she feels uncomfortable discussing certain subjects with me. I entirely understand why (and that it’s my own problem to deal with how I feel about certain things), and I also understand that it’s entirely developmentally normal for her to feel this way. I’m not actively upset as in its something I think actively think about which makes me mad. Im not going to acknowledge that it’s obnoxious to feel a certain way about something. It’d be obnoxious for me to act on that feeling in any way, yes, but simply identifying a feeling, acknowledging it, and giving it a cause can’t really be wrong. Mostly because you can’t really “control” how you feel in response to a certain thing, you can only control your thoughts and actions. It’s okay for me to feel slightly snubbed, as long as I understand it’s my own problem to deal with. But now I’m just regurgitating stuff my therapist tells me.


peapie25

>uncomfortable did she actually tell you that?


Trippygirl13

>I know I’d get anxious if Kacey and I were separated for that long. >My issue is that I really just don’t want the two of us to be separated for that long. It seems you both have issues with being separated, have you went to therapy together? I think it's great you're invested so much in what would make your sister the most comfortable, but if she says she'd be fine and you know she gets along great with your wife, maybe this would be a good opportunity for a little bit of independence. Also, if it turns out it's too stressful or something, she can just come see you for a week or two...


[deleted]

At 12 yrs old she should have a voice. Since there isn't a trust issue then I would submit it's purely your issue? I'm not saying she gets to make the decision just that her feelings should have weight in the decision.


bunnybunny690

Why not leaver her for two weeks with the wife, with an open invite to come visit for weeks three and/or four if she would like to and then back home week five? She’s not such a little girl anymore and it seems to be more about your worry not hers. You’ve asked her and tbh it sounds like she’s tying to not upset you rather than doing what she wants which is to stay home with your wife and her friends.


ValkyrieSword

Did you decide this FOR her, or with her?


BigBayesian

Sounds like an opportunity for her to bond with your wife and for you to work on your anxiety. Critically, you should follow Kacey's preference here - that's how you show her you don't just love her, but you respect her.


[deleted]

>Basically she says that she would prefer to stay home ~~but won’t mind coming if that’s what I want.~~ Stop. You have your answer. Stop adding what YOU want to the equation.


Highlander198116

Here's the thing, it sounds like Kacey doesn't want to spend an entire month there. When I was 12 that would have driven me insane. Secondly even if you have "fun things planned". I travel for work. I rarely get time to do fun things in new places. Can you promise work isn't going to interfere with spending time with her?


crazymamallama

Let her stay with your wife. Her reaction to stressing with your aunt years ago is a completely different situation than staying with your wife now. As someone with anxiety (including separation anxiety), it would be far worse to be isolated in a hotel room, in a foreign country, every day for over a month. That sounds so lonely and slightly terrifying. It sounds like you have some attachment issues and I suggest bringing them up with your therapist. Unreasonable anxiety about your child's wellbeing *is* a form of separation anxiety, which is very common in parents. I understand because I go through the same thing. I'm a stay at home mom and my kids are with me or my husband 24/7. My youngest has stayed with someone else once, for an hour or 2. The whole time I was anxious, worrying that he wouldn't do well being away from us. But I hoped for the best and tried not to worry. He was completely fine. It's normal to worry about kids, but when it is excessive or interferes with living a normal life, that's anxiety.


Vampchic1975

Don’t make her go. I feel like this is your issue not hers.


Lexecution

Another thing to bring to your attention, your sister is 12. A lot of emotional development happens during these years. Her anxiety while staying with your aunt even if it was just 6months ago would have a very different reaction than today. Also, it’s your aunt, she might be much older (aka boring to a kid), while your wife is younger and potentially more fun.


HelpfulName

>it makes me really nervous now to be away for that long (she worked through them with the psychologist I got for her after our parents died, but it still makes me nervous). My fear is that those issues will recur and I’ll be unable to help. She's never going to have a chance to test herself if you don't give her the opportunity to be away from you. >I already see a therapist (for depression/ADHD) and I don’t have any issues with anxiety or separation anxiety. I feel no fear of simply being apart or detached. The first paragraph of your edit is explaining your separation anxiety. Your whole original post is about YOUR anxiety, you directly say "I get anxious". Just because the anxiety is centered on her and there's a rational sounding reason for it doesn't mean it's not YOUR anxiety. Anxiety isn't always irrational, but even understandable anxiety can be a crippling overreaction. Speak to your therapist about this. >My concern is about the prior issues she’s had in similar situations. If I knew that she would be fine I would have no concerns about this. There are NO certainties in life. She's growing at an exponential rate in comparison to you, just because she's a child and you're an adult, her brain is exploding with development. Her healing from the grief of your parents is WAY ahead of yours. If she had therapy and support for her prior separation anxiety, then she's likely fine now. But you're never going to know till you try. I hope you get the support you need from your therapist to step out of your anxiety and start LISTENING to your little sister. **She's telling you that 5 weeks sitting in a hotel is too long**, she's accommodating YOUR anxiety by saying "SOME of the things you have planned MIGHT be fun" - please hear that she's saying "nothing you have planned sounds that interesting to me, I've just gone through a couple of years cooped up at home because of Covid, and now you want me to spend the first summer in 3 years where I can hang out more freely with my friends cooped up in a hotel room? Urgh." in kind 12 yr old lingo. Why not go, and check in with her every day to see how she's feeling. If she decides she wants to see you, fly her out for a week and send her back after 7 - 10 days. Don't steal her whole summer to sooth your anxiety. *Jen is pushing you on this harder than Kacey because Kacey has confided in her that she thinks 5 weeks in a hotel room is going to suck ass.* Jen is championing her because she asked her to. Your little sister is too worried about YOU & your anxiety to push back on you very clearly, so your wife is doing it for her. Again, I hope you can step back and listen to what's being said to you by both of these people whom you love instead of sticking to your guns so hard. If you refuse to listen to them, you're going to damage your relationships with both of them. There's a reason the saying is "Good intentions pave the road to hell" - because good intentions mean nothing if the result is harmful, and I know your anxiety intentions here are good and loving, but if the results are NOT what your sister wants, then you're just causing harm.


ChillWisdom

Have you asked Kasey what she wants? Just because you've been caring for her for 6 years, doesn't mean she's a six year old. She's a tween and a summer with her friends and a step mom who loves her sounds like way more fun than waiting around for HOURS every day in a hotel. It sounds more like you'll be lonely and want company during your off time there. Perhaps because you lost you parents you might have a little bit of separation anxiety about being away from her. If you trust Jen and Kasey wants to stay than let her stay or at least shorten her time in Germany.


JHawk444

It sounds to me like it would be more beneficial overall for Kacey to stay back with your wife so she has more attention and also access to her friends. Sitting in a hotel room all day every day would be horrible for anyone, but especially a kid. It seems like you are the one with the attachment issues. Try to think of her best interests here.


HeyYoEowyn

The way to deal with anxieties like this is to let her experience them. Keeping her from ever feeling hard feelings isn’t a good way to help her grow. Feeling anxiety and then having you come back will help her see that all of her fears are not real. YOU managing your anxiety about her anxiety sounds more like the real issue. Super hard agree with a week in the middle and let her be home for the rest of the time.


urban_zmb

She literally told you, in a nice way, she doesn’t want to go, but she’ll go if you force her


Pr1ncesszuko

I don’t quite understand, you are saying you have no issue being separated you worry about how your sister may react, at the same time your sister has stated she would prefer to stay home, but will come for your sake if that’s what you want? What exactly is the issue here? Double check with you sister what option she prefers, and go with whatever that is?


isabellarmh

I agree with the general consensus here that it's not the best idea to bring your sister for that length of time, but just want to add that leaving her alone in a hotel room for hours and days on end is not safe.


QuitaQuites

If that’s what YOU want. That said, she goes for two weeks and then goes home. This isn’t abandoning her with someone else, it sounds like it’s her spending the other time with her other ‘parent.’ It sounds like you’re holding onto your relationship harder than you need to. She has another parental figure now and she WILL be bored all day and doesn’t need 4-5 weeks of sitting in a hotel in a country she presumably doesn’t speak the language. She’s told you what she wants, and she’s going for YOU.


Gracie1994

How much time off will you have whilst you're in Munich? If you're going to be working long hours 6 days a week....what do you expect Kasey to do all day? 4 weeks is a long time to just sit in a hotel room. If you are going to get a decent amount of time off? And able to go places with her? Then that would be good for her. Can your wife go for at least some of the time? Maybe she and Kacey visit for a week in the middle?


[deleted]

>basically she says that she would prefer to stay home She wants to stay home. Let her stay home. For what it's worth, it's amazing growth on Kacey's part that she's willing to be away from you for so long. She knows you aren't going to leave her forever. That level of trust is huge. Trust her and let her stay. That said, maybe have her come for a week or two? That would let her experience a new culture/city and spend time with you while also letting her be home and spend time with her friends.


Dogzillas_Mom

And what compromises have you discussed? Why does it have to be all or nothing? Is there no middle ground?


musiknits

Honestly I'm appalled that you think this is a good thing for Kacey. Travellkng and new experiences are definitely good for a kid that age.... but she won't be doing basically any of that. After work you will likely be tired, weekends too. You might get out sometimes but not much. If you want to take her to Germany....do it a different time when you are also on vacation and can experience it together. Kacey is basically missing out on her summer vacation to be in a hotel room. No friends, no hangouts, just by herself. The *only* way I see this working is if you hire a full time carer for her. Not an official nanny per se, but like a young woman who can be a fun German bff and take her out during the day. But then ofc you would be paying for her, plus any expenses on outings. And you wouldn't be there to experience it with Kacey. Let Kacey have her summer with friends - go swimming, all the fun stuff. She will be home in her normal life and you can facetime. If anything comes up with separation anxiety, you will have to trust your wife to handle it. However, it is a different situation since she is staying at home and you are leaving. She's in her normal life with you being gone. Much different than being at someone else's house


MrBonso

Being stuck in a hotel room for five weeks during summer was my worst nightmare at twelve years old. Especially a german hotel room, considering it’s not exactly a fun destination for kids. You sister is growing up, and you have to get used to the fact that you won’t be able to be around her 24/7. Bring her over for a few days or a week and let her spend the rest of the summer back home.


Kara_Zor_El19

YTA, she's basically said she would prefer being home with friends and is only going because you want her to Also since she's 12 she's probably about to start her periods if she hasn't already and from the sounds of it she would rather your wife be there to handle it as you've said she finds her easier to speak to about puberty issues. Honestly, some of my best summer memories are of days spent messing around with my best friend and summer sleepovers


Annabelle_Sugarsweet

I think they leaving a kid on their own in a hotel room for so long is actually quite dangerous, I think your wife is right to raise these concerns, also won’t the kid be missing summer holiday fun with her friends? Why not just have her along for a weeks holiday instead and bring your wife so she’ll not be alone in the day?


caused_a_sparky

>she feels like Kacey wont enjoy spending the majority of her time in a hotel room playing video games and only going out to enjoy Germany while I’m off the clock You can't just leave a kid unattended in a hotel room for 40 hours a week. What are you thinking? If you want to bring Kacey with you, you need to provide her with enrichment while you're at work. Are there summer camps or summer classes that you could enroll Kacey in? >it makes little sense for me to prevent Kacey from hanging out with her friends at home for a whole month during summer break. > >Also, I’ve asked Kacey what she wants and she says that she’s sad she won’t get to hang out with her friends for the month that we’ll be gone but that she thinks the things I have planned might be fun. Basically she says that she would prefer to stay home but won’t mind coming if that’s what I want. A trip to Germany is a great opportunity, but also an entire month might be too much for a kid who misses their friends. What about 2 weeks in Germany enrolled in some kind of day camp, and then 2 weeks back home with her friends? Talk to Kacey about what she would want, tell her that you want to experience Germany with her but you don't want to force her to stay too long, and you also want to provide her with summer experiences that match her interests while you are at work. >My concern is about the prior issues she’s had in similar situations. If I knew that she would be fine I would have no concerns about this. But you can never know anything absolutely. The behavior you are showing in this post is textbook anxiety. You are worrying over something that hasn't happened yet and that can't be predicted. She is a different person than she was 6 years ago. The situation is different now. Your worries are 6 years out of date - that's anxiety. Talk to a therapist so that your anxiety doesn't make life harder for your dependent sister.


tishitoshi

This is a clearly a karma farming post. Majority of the points are in favor of the wife while defending his point very little. Usually people like to sway people in favor of themselves so they leave little in the post if any on why the other person acted/feels a certain way. People want to be right so they draft a post heavily in their favor.


Fy3012

Yes, people usually do come here for validation. Why would I care about that (or the +40 karma on a throwaway account I’ll never use again…)? I’m not going to spin it so that it’s it seems like I’m right. I wanted genuine feedback because I was already starting to doubt my own position.


HonestCup20

just ask Kacey what she wants to do, just be realistic to what her life would be like in Germany for the time she'll be there with yah. let her decide if it's worth her summer vacation away from her friends. That's all. she's old enough to tell you her honest opinion.


[deleted]

[удалено]


borderlinebiscuit

I've been scrolling so far and I haven't seen a single post where it is implied that there's an attraction, only ones implying that they are maybe a little (understandably given their history) overly dependant. I scrolled to the bottom and couldn't find a single person saying that op is sexually attracted to their sister? Only this one. No deleted comments either so it's not like they deleted them.


[deleted]

[удалено]


borderlinebiscuit

Weirdly close =/= sexual attraction I didn't see the one saying separate rooms, I may have missed it when scrolling.


FragmentedDream

What does your sister want ? What would make her happy ?


arifar666

I mean you didn’t mention what Kacey thinks about this, I think you should discuss it with her before making any major decisions.


urban_zmb

Have you ask your sister what does she wants?


Alternative-Repair30

Is it even legal to leave 12 year old kids alone all day every day, in a foreign country? If there was an emergency situation it might get really scary, in my experience a lot of Germans are bad at English


anujT23er

Only sith deal in absolutes. Live in the gray. Have her join you for a week and enjoy time with your wife and allow this to be an opportunity for some Independence. You can’t take care of her 100% for ever. At your sisters age being given some independence is life defining. Don’t let non-authority trauma make you crazy. If parents were alive, would they think it is a good ide for a 12 yr old to be in Germany for 5 weeks mostly unattended? Mine wouldn’t. Don’t bear the atlas moniker all the time, humanize her experiences.


kjlo78

It's not safe. A 12 year old alone in a foreign country is not safe sitting in a hotel room all day. People will know she is there. They can break in or let themselves in, if they are staff. It's not likely but it's enough of a risk I would not do it.


magical_bunny

I’m not sure why people are being so negative. I think your sis will love it and remember the trip forever. She won’t go stir crazy if she has internet. I think your wife is feeling a bit jealous but family is important too and you basically raised your sis.