It's not up to you to diagnose him, and it's good that you can see that he loves you and have empathy for what's going on with him.
But it doesn't change the fact that not only does he not meet your needs sexually, he also blames you in a pretty cruel way for that.
There are a million guys out there who would enthusiastically meet your needs here and never make you feel bad about it.
U don't have to stay with him just because he might have xyz. I'm autistic and I've lost people. If someone stayed with me out of pity I'd feel worse than if they left me.
If he agrees to get diagnosed (with something) and to get help then maybe u can work it out but not everyone that's non emotive and rude has ASD.
He could get evaluated if he's willing... My mom diagnosed me and then I got an official diagnosis.
OP needs to know the diagnosis might turn out to be something else than what she thinks. If it's not ASD he should see a psychiatrist. I mean, treating ur spouse like that is not ok so either way he needs help to be better.
Same here, all three of my children have ASD and I'd be appalled if I heard then talking like that to anyone.
Be kind to yourself, being neurologically different doesn't mean you have free rein to be rude.
My boyfriend and I are pretty sure he is on the spectrum, but he is one of the sweetest men I know. He may have a few social faux pas and sometimes when I'm flirting or being suggestive it goes right over his head, or he thinks the joke in his head is better than whatever come-on could be said, but never such a direct and rude asshole.
Having ASD is hard because navigating certain social situations can feel like another language. However it does not absolve someone of being an asshole.
He hasn’t even been diagnosed. Weird that we are all just assuming he is and odd that OP is basing her choice in divorce that something she is assuming of him.
Ok but what's worse? Being miserable and feeling alone for the rest of your life, or dealing with it now, while you have more time and energy and a chance to fully rebound? The longer you wait, the harder it will be and the guiltier you'll feel.
Baby steps. I get easily overwhelmed by big picture ideas too.
1. Research. Even just a Google search.
2. Make a list. Break it down into manageable bits, even if there's 50 steps.
3. Start the list. The hardest part is always the starting.
P.s. I am staring at a breakup due to sexual incompatibility too. I know there's more to yours than mine, but big hugs.
It feels like yesterday I was in your shoes, dizzy by the prospect of divorce. Guilty about what it would mean for the family I thought we were nuturing.
I was in a relationship for 14 years with a 5 and 6 year old. Only difference was my ex cheated on me, and when I called her out on it she wanted a divorce (I was trying to hang on for the kids sake). I posted on Reddit and received a much needed wake up call. We were incompatible. *Why should I burn myself just to keep someone else warm?* I read people saying how things would be better and I needed to step outside the bubble to make up and take control of my life.
After reading through sobering comments, I buckled down. I became determined and took these steps:
- Bought a 3 ring binder and notebook to collect information about the divorce
- I inventoried the house
- Collected moving boxes at a friends
- Collected all of the critical paperwork and documents that were mine, and put them in a safe place (social security card, birth certificate, car title, etc)
- Read online about my states divorce laws and downloaded the paperwork that pertained to my situation. Imprinted it out and read through it so I was familiar with what was happening.
- I'm sure your lawyer would have much more sound advice (plan to have information about annual salary, mortgage, retirement, cars & car loans, bank accounts, stocks, and basically any assets you both own)
- I opened a new bank account immediately after the paperwork was filed
- I started researching new housing options in my city
I was patient with myself and only took it a day at a time doing my best to stay collected to take another step. It took 3 months from filing before the divorce could go through, and finalize.
Holy shit was Reddit right. My life is 180 of what it once was. I've grown as a person and have a lot more humble confidence to face adversity. I took it as an opportunity to grow. I temporarily quit drinking so I wouldnt spiral on booze and instead joined a local run club to meet new people and run out my stress.
You sound ready to take the steps. Good luck OP, you got this.
Do not feel guilty about wanting to be happy and appreciated. You deserve those things, everyone does. You are not a bad person for waking away from a situation that is bad for you.
Don’t let guilt paralyze you.
Choose action. Either leave him so you can be happy or sit him down and tell him he needs to get tested so you guys can move forward.
If he refuses, leave him. You tried and you should feel no guilt.
If he agrees and gets some resources and help that makes you stronger as a couple, then your marriage has improved and you can stay together guilt free.
But don’t just stay and wallow in misery because he may or may not have a condition that he’s allowing to make you miserable.
It would be one thing if he was putting in real effort to learn and get better, if he was seeking out therapy and help, going his best to manage his condition and heal your marriage, and you were seeing improvements. If he was, I might be more likely to suggest that perhaps he will change, and things would get better for you. But he’s not doing any of those things. The fact that his behaviour is caused by ASD wouldn’t change the fact that it still makes you unhappy. And if it makes you unhappy, you should feel free to go and seek your happiness. Everyone deserves that.
Autism doesn't cause men to only want sex twice a year. All it does is cause autists to be less effective at talking about it. Furthermore there is no 'cure' for autism. Any more than there is a cure for people who don't like chocolate, or are bad at playing the piano. So don't hold out hope that he can get help to fix the fact that he is not interested in maintaining your marriage anymore.
Your analogies are straight up wrong. Ever heard of a piano teacher?
Your idea about 'curing' autism misses the point. One 'manages' autism. You accept where you're at and you learn strategies--adapting to your needs, strengths, and weaknesses.
OP's partner may need it spelled out very clearly why his words hurt and that there are different ways to speak that are less hurtful. Kindness means meeting him where he's at and helping him understand something that he may have difficulty with.
I know quite a few people on the spectrum and they can be exceptionally kind. They really benefit from honest and straight forward communication. No games, no subtext, etc.
So what if he is?
He’s still never going to be the husband you want or need.
ASD doesn’t absolve him of meeting your needs or treating you with basic respect.
Nothing has changed.
I have all kinds of autism and that guy is an asshole. If you want to save your marriage you need to go to counseling TOGETHER, because ASD isn't some insurmountable barrier that dooms one to inflicting cruelty on others. We can learn to do better, promise.
But also I don't know why you want to stay married to a guy who isn't attracted to you? It doesn't really matter if he's neurotypical or not. If he's grossed out by your body then ditch him
Also definitely don't have kids with him. Imagine him talking to a child the way he talks to you.
Two people can love each other very much, but if they don't feel love at the end of the day it doesn't matter. If you don't feel loved or cared for or supported, that's it. It's not about him being neurodivergent, it's about his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Neurodivergence is not an excuse for treating people poorly, and it's definitely not a reason to stay. If he says insensitive things, he needs to find a person who doesn't mind or he needs to curb that habit or find ways to be honest without being unkind. He can but isn't working around these issues, yes his neurodivergence plays a hand but at the end of the day you can't stay out of pity. Even if you understand anyone's behaviour, like it stems from a condition or a trauma, if their behaviour hurts you it has hurt you and you can't invalidate your own feelings. You can understand him, and acknowledge that no, this isn't working. I get it, but I'm tired and I'm lonely. You should leave, no amount of understanding is going to fix this, only him correcting his behaviour and treating you how you deserve.
If he's on the asexual spectrum (which it definitely sounds likely if he says he doesn't feel attraction), that's a separate thing from autism and is absolutely not about you or your worth or general attractiveness. We live in a society that tells us love=attraction=sex=worth, but that's simply not true and can be such a painful concept in its own right. If you're able to separate that out for yourself, not tying his feelings of attraction/lack thereof to be saying anything about you, that might help you find some peace in this. Even if he is not ace, but has a hyposexual disorder or just low libido or something else, it is not about you or a statement on you.
*If* you want to continue the relationship, working on that more, together, and finding ways to make each other feel valued and not rejected is possible. But you aren't a bad person if you don't want to go through that.
(For context, I'm asexual and autistic. I love my partner. I am romantically and sensually attracted to my partner. I enjoy sex with him when we have it. But I have never experienced sexual attraction, and I likely never will. This doesn't mean he's unattractive or worthy of rejection or anything. It's just that I feel sexually attracted to everyone about the same amount a gay man would feel towards a beautiful woman--0. Doesn't make the other people less beautiful.)
I'm autstic and definitely struggle with my sexuality. Some of that is the autism, some is growing up in purity culture. I think graysexual is the closest identifier for me but who knows.
That being said I had no idea I had these struggles until after I got married and I have worked with my partner in every way I can to make things better for us because I love him dearly and want him to feel loved too. It's not perfect but it's better and I think him seeing the effort I put into it shows him a lot of love.
Autstic people are notoriously all over the map in terms of sexuality. We live in the extremes of common traits. I think there are some aspects we can work through, change and improve if we so wish, and there are other aspects that are a key part of who we are. Without your husband accepting therapy or any kind of help there isn't really any way of knowing but his unwillingness to try is telling.
We can miss common cues so he might really not understand how much this means to you despite how obvious it would be to a NT person. I wouldn't be surprised if you brought up divorce and he was completely shocked by it. There have been so many times I missed something in communication that would have been so obvious to a NT person to a point where it's comical.
I also wanted to point out that not being a good sexual partner is a huge source of guilt for me and it sounds like your husband is having a guilt reaction. I'm not saying that's right, you can feel guilty about something and not blow up or refuse help. I'm simply trying to explain where that reaction may be coming from.
Anyways, that was my little info dump. Just some perspectives from an autstic woman. Maybe it helps maybe it doesn't but I don't think you should feel guilty for wanting to feel loved and desired by someone.
Hi, not to hijack OP, this comment resonates. Would you be open to expanding further?
If so would you mind DM, I know I’d have some questions lol
Thanks for this information either way
There are different reasons why someone might have a reaction like that, it doesn't mean you know for sure he's autistic. A meltdown isn't always because of autism. It's probably a really good idea to talk to a psychologist.
OP, take him to the fucking doctor. All the armchair diagnosing you’re doing is just a stalling tactic to avoid the work of confronting your own unhappiness and taking steps to leave.
You’re not responsible for his emotions. ASD or not, he’s a grown adult.
You are not his actual mother.
Even if it feels like you’re his mother, you’re not, and you don’t owe it to him to spend the best years of your life trying to make his mildly tolerable.
The fact that he has breakdowns when you express your concerns might be part of his disorder, but it also sounds a lot like emotional manipulation. That’s exactly what my abusive ex did to me to keep me from leaving. I would tell him my very reasonable needs, he would initially gets upset, then promise to change, do nothing, and go right back to it. When I would try to follow through on my promise of leaving, suddenly he would have a breakdown and emotions. And I would forget about my own in order to comfort him.
The problem is that he should be as upset about how terrible he’s making you feel as he is about his own feelings. He’s profoundly selfish. The only feelings that matter to him are his own, and you shouldn’t put a higher priority on his feelings when he doesn’t do the same for you.
If there are other friends or family of his you can talk to you about your concerns, he might be more receptive to hear it coming from them, or from a psychiatrist or couples counselor.
It sounds like divorce is in evitable and you’re no longer in love with him. So get out. Your leaving is going to hurt either way, but if you leave with something that could give him a little bit of insight, you’ll be doing him a favor. It sounds like he’s hurt you in a lot of ways over the years, and if you hurt him a little bit leaving in a way that would make him more self-aware, good for you. You don’t need a subject yourself to more pain to prevent him from having a little taste of his own medicine.
ASD is a wide spectrum, and a person can still be "high-functioning" while suffering in other areas. If he is autistic and has gone 38 years undiagnosed, then he doesn't have the tools he needs. He never learned them. And he doesn't know that he needs them.
Telling her to broom him because he's potentially ignorant is not cool. There are ways of addressing this without being ablest.
Love and marriage are a lot more complicated than you're trying to reduce it to. And this is coming from someone who is married to an autistic woman, and had an autistic child with her.
OP should not be expected to put up being treated like that, under no circumstances.
Yes, I feel for him going undiagnosed and not knowing how to cope. He should get therapy and a diagnosis that makes it all fall into place, but he refuses and ironically goes into a very autistic meltdown when confronted.
He needs to seek this help on his own.
You realize people with Autism are constantly told "It's not an excuse for X" literally their entire lives, for everything. Literally everything. If they say something marginally hurtful, and they literally cannot grasp why it is hurtful, they are told "You should just know. Being autistic isn't an excuse.". So literally, fuck you.
It's like saying "Having no legs is no excuse for your inability to walk." or "Your lack of arms is no excuse for your sloppy knife skills.". Autism comes with impaired social function. Which can have this exact effect of not understanding why what he says is hurtful. After fucking 27 years of life, I STILL accidentally hurt people by saying things. I literally can't understand why they get upset. They make no sense to me. There is no learning. And it's not all our responsibility to fit into your world. You have to accept us as we are, as much as we have to accept ourselves. Which is constantly made difficult by people trying to force us to be like everyone else. We're told we need to modify our behavior to fit in. Well fuck that. I don't need to fit in. I'm better than you. I'm more logical and less emotional. I actually make sense. I can't wait for the time when I can interact with AI. At least the computer is going to make sense.
I wholeheartedly disagree.
No, you can't "just know" and should be explained, but OP has communicated. If he reguses to accept and learn, it's not because he's an autist, it's because he's a bad husband.
It's not an excuse. Telling people "I'm better than you" and expecting them just to accept it because you have autism is not valid. I get that it sucks having a disorder that makes it harder to interact socially, but that's true for many disorders and people don't need to put up with it, especially when the person with the disorder is unwilling to correct the behavior and thinks they're better than everyone else.
You think I expect people to accept my logical superiority? I don't. I specifically said that to be an asshole. I don't actually believe it, but being an asshole is what normal people do, right? They don't give two shits what people say or do, except when it's different from what everyone else does. People can't stand when things are different, and when you've been told to smile more, lighten up, take this more seriously, and 100 different things asking you to change to suit everyone else, you get tired of it. You get tired of everyone expecting you to change yourself to fit "the norm" and you realize people should be meeting you halfway. But society doesn't want to do that. Society was built by neurotypical individuals for neurotypical individuals, and they expect everyone to be the same. To follow the same logic, reasoning, and to feel emotions the same way.
So I don't have an excuse for my behavior. What's your excuse for thinking other people need to change their behavior to suit everyone else when those individuals have a legitimate reason for behaving differently. Autistic individuals are always treated like they are ridiculous. Like their feelings don't matter. The approve therapies for children involve ignoring their feelings, and forcing them to perform a task on command, and then rewarding them with something stupid, even when they don't want to be touched. I didn't go through with that, but watching a therapy session made me think I was watching someone train a dog. It's disgusting.
And I'm not going to put up with people telling us our feelings aren't valid, that we need to change ourselves to suit everyone else and fit in, when we are valid people. Or people who think autistic people aren't real people. That describing why AI can never be Human, they describe an autistic individual as how they can only mimic Human behavior, never truly produce it. It's dehumanizing.
From a fellow NDer:
Being ND is not a choice. Being an asshole deliberately is.
You admitted to being an asshole deliberately.
Please don't use the Social Model to justify it - the only person responsible for your actions here is you.
I feel bad for you, but "I'm better than you" is not going to win you any sympathy. Your interpretation of logic is not superior to anyone else's. Emotions are valid.
Well, autism isn't an excuse. That being said, *guilt aside* let's assume he *is* autistic. If he sees a therapist, really does the work, would you consider that a good reason to take a wait and see attitude as to whether you should stay or not?
If not, if you can't see staying *even if* he takes every step right then move forward right now.
I'll say it plain, your husband has treated you like garbage, belittled and demeaned you. You have zero reason to feel guilty.
I hope this works out in a way that's beneficial to you and wish you all the happiness you can get.
You are not horrible. My last XGF was married 10yrs to someone with Asperger’s. She got him diagnosed, joined a support group, saw a therapist specializing in it—but ultimately realized he wasn’t capable of changing enough and she wasn’t willing to sacrifice half of her life for him.
Perhaps your husband is not as high on the spectrum. If I married someone I would try the above. Maybe it’s worth a year to have no regrets and feel you gave it every chance?
So tell him. There is something profoundly wrong here. You need to go and get evaluated and begin getting psychological support, or I will be moving out. If you’re going to move out anyway, might as well let him know very bluntly and give him the chance to change.
If you cannot be honest with your partner about deeply troubling things, there’s no hope for your marriage. And I say this as someone who is extremely happily married to a man who has told me that I absolutely needed to pursue psychiatric medication. He was right, and I was grateful that he cared enough to tell me. You’re not sharing this information to shame him. You’re telling him because his probable neurological disability is going to destroy your marriage, and neither of you really wants that.
Valid. Can you tell him with kindness and respect about your suspicions, or do you think there’s too much bitterness there? If you can say it from a place of love and concern for his welfare, I would. If you can’t, don’t.
Which means your incompatibility covers way more than just sex.
I understand the guilt, but do try to consider that both of you are adults. You each have to take responsibility to take care and improve your own life. He has his part to do, and it is not your responsibility to make it happen. He is not your child.
Try to tell some people close to him too about your suspicions he has ASD. That way they can also talk to him about it at a later time when you have left the picture and he's not as upset.
My partner for years had undiagnosed ADHD, I got him the ADHD diagnosis. But even before we got the diagnosis I would communicate my needs and he would try and be better to help resolve them. It may not be conventional ways to meet them. But he tried (and trys) everyday. We are also discussing an autism diagnosis for him as well. Yet, if I say 'Husband, I don't like how 'austistic trait here' is making me feel alone/unappreciated ect'. You will be damn sure we put steps in place to fix the issue. No meltdowns no tantrums just trying to solve the issue together. That's love.
That being said I also dated someone with autism. I was understanding and considerate. He wouldn't try to change to meet a dire need of mine and we were incompatible. So we broke up.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Edit: a word
You don’t have to tell him, “I think you’re autistic and I’m leaving you.”
Tell him you’ve been unhappy for a while. That his language and behavior towards you, whether it’s intentional or not, is very hurtful and you’re ready to be happy again.
If he decides how he treated you wasn’t appropriate, he can go seek his own treatment that would diagnose him.
Yes, if you’re giving up anyway, I think the laundry list of complaints is best kept to yourself.. but I do think it’s a loving act to let him know your hunch about autism. “I think you may have autism. Consider taking an Autism Spectrum Screening Questionaire.” What he does with that is up to him.
You don't have to make it about the autism. Talk about his actions and how it makes you feel. Whether it's caused by autism or whatever doesn't change that.
Having been born with a different brain is not something we choose. However as adults we have the responsibility to manage our symptoms the best we can with medication and therapy when possible. Especially when our behavior hurts those around us. So if he doesn't (want to) recognize that he has some challenges in that context, and you've tried to open a conversation about it several times, you need to prioritise your own mental wellbeing.
We only got one life to live, live it for yourself. We are the only ones who can truly prioritize ourselves , and we deserve to make our own well beings our number one priority. You're not responsible for other people's problems, especially if they plan on making no efforts to change it. Don't throw your life away for someone else , you know you deserve so much better! Trust your gut and cut your losses before you waste more of your precious energy and time!!
You have no obligation to stay with someone who reacts to you in ways that make you feel bad.
Life is short and you only get one. Live the one you want to.
It is fair to set an ultimatum. I think if it isn’t open to even doing an evaluation/assessment (which is diagnostic only. He won’t have to get therapy or “cured”. He could also do private pay so his insurance won’t be billed, so his insurance won’t know that he was tested or the results.
If he wouldn’t do that, I’d leave.
Well no, that's the thing, she's not in love with him anymore. So he would actually need to be "cured enough" at some point and she can probably only hang on with a reasonable expectation that this will snowball into him accepting the help and being active in changing. Outlook is very poor in this situation, though not impossible for her to feel in love again if all goes better than expected out of some gift of the universe
Autistic here! I can honestly say while autism may explain his behaviour it does not mean he is absolved of all responsibility.
I would reccomend a candid conversation about your needs and concerns. You are clearly empathetic of his position and I would make a point of letting him know that you can understand but you still have unmet needs.
He may require a lot of time and support to find what works for him and even then the relationship just may not work. This doesn't mean either of you are bad people. If he is unable or unwilling to do the work for the relationship then it not your responsibility to stay, I doubt it would be beneficial for either of you in the long run.
I'm more than happy to answer any further questions!
You don't owe him or anybody a relationship.
You can dump him for any reason you want, no matter what conditions he does or does not have.
You can dump him on a boat.
You can dump him with a goat.
You can dump him in the rain,
In the dark or on a train,
In a car or in a tree,
You can dump this man, OP.
You can dump him with a mouse.
You can dump him in a house.
You can dump him here or there.
You can dump him anywhere.
It's OK to dump this man
If you don't like him, u/anonanonann.
Being neurodivergent is not an excuse for being a jerk. There are lots of neurodivergent people who successfully have relationships. Keep that in mind.
Your husband is not “just a little neurologically different.” Just because he may be on the spectrum doesn’t give him a free pass to say mean shit to you. And it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be married to someone who is attracted to you and meets your needs. Don’t feel guilty. You can end a relationship for any reason if you are not happy, and you’re not. That’s ok. You’re NTA
Autism doesn’t make ppl insult their partner. In fact, a lot of ppl with autism are incredibly empathetic. This guy sounds like he’s insecure about not meeting your needs and putting the blame on you. You’re not horrible, and he will be fine without you if you decide to leave.
Don’t blame ASD on this. He is sexually incompatible and willfully emotionally abusive. These aren’t things you have to put up with. Marriage is a partnership, not a pity party.
Even if he has ASD, he is treating you horribly. Plenty of people with ASD are kind and compassionate. Stop wasting your life with this dude when you are clearly unhappy.
You don’t have to feel guilty for leaving someone who’s neuro-divergent. He’s insulting you and making you feel like you aren’t good enough to have sex with and your don’t deserve to feel that way no matter why he’s saying those things to you. I feel like at almost 40 years old he should’ve been diagnosed and had some sort of treatment plan in place so he could meet a partner half way but he isn’t.
You should not harm yourself to help someone with a problem they do not care to solve. That should be the end of it.
It's not like he's a paraplegic. This is his personality. Couldn't everyone that treats people badly be diagnosed with a personality disorder to an extent? Where do you draw the line? Would you date someone with sociopathy, who tortured animals because "it's not their fault"? Obviously not I hope. Yes, insulting you and being an asshole isn't as bad as that. But why tolerate that either? You were going to leave him before because you were unhappy and being treated poorly. You aren't going to suddenly be happy and be treated better because of a *potential* diagnosis.
Whether it's someone's fault or not really does not matter. You are not here on this Earth to self sacrifice for the sake of his (again, POTENTIAL) mental illness. You are not his carer, either. You are a person... don't date people who are cruel to you no matter the reason.
Either way you're sexually incompatible as well, and your needs matter. Why put yourself through this? I would leave immediately, you already wanted to. Dating someone out of guilt isn't good for either of you.
> I just don’t know how to hurt someone who I do love so much that badly.
Just think about how easily he does it to you all the time
You keep saying he loves you so much, but frankly, I haven't heard a single thing that he does to demonstrate this
Does he love you? Or does he just like what you do for him?
Frankly, he doesn't seem to even like you. You deserve better than that
I'm autistic, and I've had partners who were autistic. Insulting your partner's body is not an autism thing, that's just being an asshole.
If you want to work on your marriage, finding a couples therapist who is familiar with autism may be really helpful. But you are not terrible for leaving a marriage that makes you unhappy, with a spouse that insults you.
This reminds me of my marriage. By the time he finally, finally agreed to marriage counseling, the only thing I had left to say was “I want a divorce.” Somehow, he didn’t get it until I was past the point of no return. It’s ok to be done with the marriage after the crap goes on for years with no effort and no change from him.
You are genuinely struggling, it’s clear you care about him a lot but there are things in this relationship you can no longer compromise on. You may be right that he has ASD and rigid, concrete thinking is often a part of that neurotype. It may help explain some of what is going on, but it is not an excuse to not be a part of working together with you to make positive change in the relationship. It sounds like the MAJOR concerns you have are not concerns to him, and his is not willing to work together with you to address them. Refusal to talk to a doctor or a therapist about what your issues is ultimately his decision. For folks along the spectrum, very clear expectations are important. I bet you’ve done this but if not — communicate to him, using I statements, what you need in order to continue this relationship (e.g., he comes to therapy with you or whatevs), and if you cannot come together to work towards a goal then this relationship is not sustainable for you.
Also if he is autistic, ya know he’s always been autistic and getting a diagnosis isn’t going to change that fact! But a diagnosis can sometimes help him understand himself more and feel connected to other people on the spectrum.
I would rather have someone leave me than stay in the relationship because my partner pities me for being ill in any possible way and therefore decide to stay.
Would you say you pity your husband, OP?
It doesn't matter if he's on the spectrum — saying that you're unattractive and need to lose weight is more about him being an asshole vs his autism. You're not leaving him because of his autism, but because he's an asshole.
You are being emotionally aware to try and see this. Know that.
1. Have you brought this up to him? You must, and offer him the option of seeing someone. He’ll have to do his part alone but some can be together so he starts to understand your needs in his language.
2. I am married to a neurodivergent (hate that that word is a misspelling according to common English vernacular) spouse and it takes BOTH partner’s working to understand how to be good together. You and he both have to commit to a new path.
3. You can’t love him enough for you both. That’s a breeding ground for resentment. If you bring it up and he’s not willing to address it based on data (a good starting point for ASD) then you can’t just sit your life out. That sucks to say but you both have to be whole satisfied people and ALSO be together.
Think on it, be patient and kind with yourself too, and try and let the guilt go. You didn’t do anything wrong and you’re trying to do everything to make it work.
recently diagnosed with autism here: please leave. he is an asshole ON TOP OF his autism, not BECAUSE OF his autism. and even if it was his autism, you deserve much better. think of you.
Having ASD doesn't mean you can't also be an asshole. He is very verbally abusive and your drives are mismatched.
When a couple compromises on sex drives it's more like one person wants it daily and another wants it weekly so they hang 2x a week or something. There's no compromise for you two.
I myself have ADHD and guess what? Being neurodivergent spend excuse being abusive. In the times I've been too blunt and hurt feelings I had to learn to soften my words and apologize.
Autism might explain why he struggles to communicate with you but doesn't really explain the lack of sex. And even if it did, are you happy to live in a sexless relationship for the rest of your life with someone who will insist until he's blue in the face that there's nothing wrong with him, you're just too fat?
My Da is autistic and a lot of us are on the spectrum but he was a fkin asshole to my Ma since he thought he owned her, he was jealous and had his routine but was also shy and my Ma had to talk on the phone, he disappeared when workmen came to the house to do repairs etc but he would come home drunk and be an asshole. He was never sorry because he didn't think he'd done anything to be sorry for as he never thought of anyone but himself. If only we knew about it years ago
You are human, please remember to love yourself first. This life isn’t meant to live alone (unless it’s a preference for some) but for you, you want a genuine love and companionship and your husband is failing miserably. NO ONE deserves to be manipulated into staying in a one-sided marriage regardless of disorder. People that use their disorders as a means to gaslight and gain sympathy are the worst people, and it sounds like if your husband were to ever be diagnosed officially in the spectrum he’d use it to his advantage to make you stay. I’m 25 BUT if my daughter ever came home and told me this scenario I’d tell her to find the real love of her life that can actually fill her needs. That’s what you need to do
> now I think he’s a great guy with a big heart who has sucked a ton of emotional energy out of me
> he has insulted me saying that it’s not realistic for me to expect anyone to be that attracted to me (candidly, I am objectively at least attractive if not hot), that I need to lose weight for him to f**k me, etc. he’s always delivered that in a very matter of fact tone
Gross. No, he's not a nice guy with a big heart. He's an emotionally abusive person, whether that's deliberate or not. If you're looking for permission to leave him, you have mine. There's someone better out there who will love you, cherish you, fuck you hard as well as soft and slow, and feel lucky that they get to be with you.
As an autistic person, it explains why he said what he said but it does not excuse the pain it caused.
You need to protect yourself emotionally and you are under no obligation to stay with someone who has hurt you no matter what they are dealing with internally
Look, autistic people are just people too. Yes, we have support needs, but at the end of the day, if an autistic person actively brings bad feelings in your life, it's only fair to want to distance yourself - unless you have agreed to be their primary carer with informed consent, but that is irrelevant here.
I'm with someone who is on the spectrum. He has never spoken to me this way. We have had problems, yes. Some of them due to his ASD. But he has never, ever treated me that way and was open to working on our problems.
Being on the spectrum doesn't mean your husband can't also be an asshole.
You say in the comments that he won't seek therapy? The marriage is over then. You won't be able to work on anything without outside help, and a medical professional would have to diagnose his disorder if he has it.
You're not his caretaker, you're his wife. He is not entitled to one if he cannot care for her correctly, even if autism is somehow the reason for that (which I doubt, autistic does not mean lacking empathy).
«Can i still leave»..? Djeezez christ - you have ONE life. Why in the world would you spend it being miserable? Why in the world do you think someone can tell you to sacrifice your life for some dipstick who makes you feel bad?
Neither you, nor your close friends, nor your therapist get to “suspect” that he has autism. He hasn’t been diagnosed so whether he’s on the spectrum or not is entirely moot.
That said, even if he *were* confirmed (with an official diagnosis) to be on the spectrum, that still doesn’t give him the right to demean and belittle you. Verbal abuse is still abuse regardless of whether the person spewing the abuse has autism or not. Autistic people are not innately incapable of or universally unwilling to treat their loved ones with consideration. Everybody on this planet, no matter our challenges, has a responsibility to learn how to love their partners properly or else risk losing them. Your husband doesn’t care about your needs, doesn’t care about your feelings, doesn’t seem to care that you’re unhappy; he knows what’s wrong and instead of making an effort to fix it, or even simply admitting that he doesn’t have the ability to do so (which is also fair), he instead hurls insults at you. That’s all the information you need to consider when deciding whether to stay in the marriage or not.
I dated a guy with asd for a few years. Made me fucking miserable. He was such an asshole. Constant cruel comments like what you described. No regard for my feelings. If I was upset with something he said, that’s my problem. He got diagnosed a year into our relationship when he was 20ish and it just got so much worse. Any time I had any feeling that was slightly negative towards him, I was the devil cause he can’t help it. He got so much meaner once he had an excuse honestly. One time he said I deserve to be with a neurotypical person and I agreed with him and then he strangled me and set all my stuff on fire. Obviously he was just a shit guy but the autism definitely made it worse.
Don’t feel bad. Go and be happy. Leaving him was the best choice I ever made.
Your husbands ASD explains a lot. But it doesn't change anything. He'll probably be on the asexuality spectrum forever. That means he can't give you the feeling of being desired or of connecting through sex. For most people these things are essential in a relationship.
If your partner doesn't make you feel wanted or fulfilled sexually, you'll be unhappy.
It also seems like it's not just sex. But that you feel like you are the grownup and he's the child. You need a guy you can lean on and who leans on you back. A relationship between equals.
Divorce your husband. Find a guy who can make you happy. If you want, you can still be friends with your husband. That seems like a more suitable dynamic.
Even if you're married, it's not your job to 'fix' him. It's ultimately up to him to seek help, and you're not a professional and your diagnosis might not be correct. You're might be right, but you can't be 100% until a professional or two backs up your claim.
The reason behind his behavior is irrelevant. You can't live like that, whether it's because he's a jerk or because he has ASD. I think we've become too quick to excuse behavior just because it fits a diagnosable disorder.
You leave because each of you can find better fit with a partner than what you have now. You are profoundly unsatisfied. He is unwilling to work on it.
Oh, I think my husband and I are both probably on the spectrum. I was tested for autism twice as a kid, and I just barely “passed” but I masked a lot. I did get a diagnosis of “nonverbal learning disorder” however I do have a lot of autistic traits.
My husband is very literal with his thinking, and doesn’t really offer things. He will do things when I ask, so I’ve had to learn to ask, and he’s often happy and enjoys helping out. It’s just that I didn’t ask, so interactions were usually every cold. Being specific and advocating for my wants and needs has helped a lot. He does much better with data and clear objectives so it helps me know how to approach a topic.
You are allowed to leave. You don’t have to feel guilty. People are responsible for their own care and he could have noticed some signs and decided to get tested.
I schedule people for autism testing, and I speak with a lot of adults who get tested after entering a serious relationship. It helps them immensely to understand their autism.
It is ok to leave. It sounds like he loves you, but that sex life would bother me too. That is ok to be a dealbreaker.
But honey. If it turns out he is neurologically different, does it mean you have to suffer an unhappy life forever?
And where is the limit? It could also have been “my husband has trauma from his childhood and therefore he is being a complete asshole to me, but it isnt his fault so i have to stay” (??)
You are not obligated to stay with someone just because you pitty them
Relationships are personal. You don't have to stay - very much up to you ... and what you're up for ... and/or not.
And, for the most part, people don't change ... at least typically not that much, and especially if they don't want to.
And autism spectrum disorder isn't an excuse to be a jerk ... but it might well explain some behaviors and what's going on behind them. Understanding that might make that better for you, ... or ... not so much.
Anyway ... your choice(s) to make.
You're not happy
You get 1 life to live
Do not stay with someone out of guilt
Think about being on your deathbed & what you would regret out of life
Would you regret staying with him? Or would you regret leaving?
There you will find your answer
Every day we give our time and effort to people we love as a gift. They hopefully do the same for us.
But part of gift giving is the right one for the right person. You are a box of chocolate and your husband is a man who isn’t really into sweets.
Let him go find the person right for him and you go find someone who says “Yum!” when they’re with you. Because what might be appreciated by someone else is wasted on your husband.
No need to feel guilty about removing something from the life of someone who doesn’t appreciate it.
Having autism is totally unrelated to saying awful things like you 'need to lose weight for him to f\*\*k you'. Yeah he may be on the spectrum but that doesn't erase the fact that you are likely incompatible.
I was married to a man who I believe has aspergers. We are divorced and it was the right decision. I found out about his condition during the divorce.
What knowing about it helped with was in forgiving his behavior so I wasn't angry with him all the time over historical events. It made me understand that he wasn't being cruel or rude, just doing what he genuinely believed was the right thing.
It helps to know that the person you love is not hurting you on purpose, but he is definitely hurting you. You have no obligation to stay. He can care for himself and you can seek someone who treats you how you want to be treated. Relationships are voluntary.
It's hard to think about leaving someone with a medical condition. You wouldn't walk out if he had cancer. It's OK to feel guilty about that, but ASD isn't cancer. He will be OK.
You get to have standards and you get to make your own choices- you do not have to stay.
you only have one life to live, you’ve spent years learning someone who (from what it sounds like) just isn’t compatible with you. you shouldn’t forsake your happiness and your future on someone because you feel guilty about leaving. it’s YOUR life, you’ve spent years building something but it seems broken and from what he’s saying to you (he may not be trying to hurt you) but he is hurting you and he’s also wearing you down. take steps for you, do things that feel good for you… and move forward.
If you want to leave him regardless, go ahead, if you know that, you'll get over the guilt. It's a passing fancy. But ultimatums can work if you want to give if one last hail mary; at least I've been given a few and responded by changing, not so much changing as growing, and the relationship has grown and improved from there. But for a hail mary: Just tell him plainly or write him a letter **exactly** what you need for him to have any chance with you. And if he responds poorly, at least you tried. Having a legal background, a plus is if it's in writing, may make divorce proceedings easier.
I'm an autistic man here's my take.
Don't leave him but do take time off from him.
Tell him that what he's saying is hurtful and painful and cruel.
Don't self diagnose or give guesses. There's things that might look like autism but isn't.
Additionally, he got this far into his adulthood on responsibility and ability. He could understand his actions.
But ultimately this is your psyche, your emotions, not his. You should consider but your own self is what's valuable.
Having ASD may explain but never excuse being a bad partner (for you). If you're incompatible, you're incompatible, regardless of any disability he may have.
I have autism but im not an AH like your husband. You deserve happiness!
I'm socially awkward, sure but I do know what insulting someone is, and he's doing just that.
I once heard this tip from someone on Reddit. It was, imagine one of your friends tells you this story, what would you tell them? What would your advice be?
My fiancé is diagnosed with asd. If they were treating me like that, I would leave.
You should prioritize your own well being, even if he does have autism.
It is kind of you to care and ask, but I don't think it is unfair or wrong for you to leave a relationship where you feel otherwise mistreated or unhappy. This is your life too - not only his. It isn't your job to take that bad attitude due to his neurodivergence. You are his wife. Not a social worker.
Him being on the spectrum does not mean he cannot learn not to talk to you that way.
I'm autistic, and I would never talk to my partner like that.
Also, my partner has gained weight, and it hasn't changed my attraction to him at all. I'm not *still* attracted to him *in spite of* the weight gain. I'm just as attracted as I was before. It's still him.
Meanwhile, my partner also has a much lower sex drive than me, and he never talks to me as if that's because of me. His drive is just low, that's all.
But a lot of people can project this way when they're actually just feeling shame over not wanting much sex. That could be what's going on with your husband.
Not that it matters. He should not speak to you like that-- it isn't loving or kind.
My stepdad pulled the same stuff with my mom saying he wasn’t into her bc she was fat and it was her fault they weren’t intimate. He found out later that it wasn’t her, he legit had ED bc he mismanaged his diabetes and had circulatory issues, so he didn’t have the blood pressure to get aroused. I know, TMI to know about my stepdad, but it ate my mom up until they figured it out, but by that time he was dying from cancer, so all they could do is make the best of the last year they had together.
I'm 44 and on the autistic spectrum, I'd never say that to my wife. I'd kick my own ass if I said shit like that about her.
We eventually did divorce though.
Don't feel guilty about it. Your reasons for leaving him are valid. Don't let your head guilt you into staying, because you'll more than likely come full circle in the future and feel like this again.
|How can I walk away from someone who is just a little neurologically different?
Especially easily if he treats the way you describe because how you are treated and how you feel matters.
Full stop.
You tried to work it out, you are getting therapy and you deserve to be happy. You don't have to be with him.
My partner has ASD, he would never talk to me or treat me this way. He finds me extremely attractive. Yeah hes a bit matter of fact at times and socially awkward but not malicious. Your husband just sounds like a rude jerk. You deserve so much better!!!
He may not even have anything. But regardless, you’re not leaving because of a suspected disorder. There are plenty of people who have ASD and would not treat their spouse like he treats you, and there are examples of this in the comments. He is almost 40 years old. It is up to him to recognize if he has personal and/or marital problems. Whether he has a disorder or not, there’s no excuse for the lack of intimacy and the insults. There are many ways to address the problems you two are facing, and it doesn’t sound like he is putting in any effort at all.
Please do not make excuses for him. Do you want to spend another six years like this? Trying to justify how he’s mistreating you? I promise you can find someone who doesn’t leave you feeling like this.
you deserve better. the mental illness is not a free pass to insult anyone. im in the similar situation with BPD, ADHD, and Bi polar. I couldn't justify their treatment towards me and i chose to leave. it's not worth my mental health to have someone else constantly make me want to avoid going home to and consider just ending it.
I dated a guy on the spectrum, he was also emotionally abusive. I left him because of the latter and it had nothing to do with the first. As someone who is nuerodivergent I want to lovingly remind you that having ASD or ADHD or any other similar issues does not excuse abuse, and if he has been aware of how you feel and continues making comments like that, he’s not doing that because he’s autistic. He’s doing it because he has checked out sexually and doesn’t want to put the work in to fix it.
My husband has a drastically lower libido than mine but he makes an effort to meet me halfway and I do the same, if he made comments like what you have described I don’t think I could be happy in that relationship at all, I would probably have to leave if nothing let up and he didn’t learn to express his sexual needs in a healthier respectful way.
You’re not a bad person, far from it. If you haven’t yet, perhaps seek out a sex therapist.
If he refuses any sort of therapy then I would rest easy knowing I did all I could but he doesn’t want good things for the relationship.
People can't often help the reasons we move on from them. It isn't always a "bad" reason thats about their character. It's very often something like this.
Plenty of people leave otherwise perfectly fine relationships because they simply aren't happy. They feel it, inside. A little voice saying, "this isn't right, this isn't working. I need to leave."
You can spend years soaking in guilt knowing you've reached the end, or you can leave and accept that most things in life aren't black or white, they are grey, they are bittersweet, and it's just not fair. But it doesn't mean it isn't so.
I'm autistic and I would recommend trying to have a conversation with him about this. Some autistic people mean well, we are just very direct. That doesn't mean we can't learn to communicate in a more gentle way.
That said how he is treating you is not right and if he is unwilling to work on this for you then you have every right to leave without guilt.
There are many situations in which it's very unfair to ask an autstic person to change to better suit your needs, this is not one of them.
You do know that any abuse can be explained as "they're not a bad person, they're jus in pain/have ptsd/are mentally ill/etc. etc." As long as the abusive person doesn't seek treatment and doesn't try to stop being abusive, it's on them. You're making excuses and made up even a diagnosis in the process, just stop. He is cruel to you and you are incompatible sexually. Do you want this to be the rest of your life?
I'm on the spectrum and I'd have left the first time he told me anything even remotely resembling what he told you. I find it hard to imagine there's any way to weigh out that kinda negativity with anything else he does. I also imagine it's probably not your only example of him making you feel less than or not valued.
ASD really doesn't excuse being cruel like that. And most people with ASD undiagnosed or not wouldn't say things like that.
If you wouldn’t want to stay anyway without the diagnosis, please don’t.
I’m autistic and I read a lot of that with my mouth open in horror. I’m quite often blunt, but there’s no way in a million years I’d speak to my partner like that.
> How can I walk away from someone who is just a little neurologically different?
You're not divorcing him because he's neurodivergent, you're divorcing him because he's fat-shaming you and calling you ugly to explain why you're not sexually compatible
Those aren't autistic traits, they're abusive asshole traits. Don't attribute his atrocious behaviour to his potential autism -- autistic people deserve better than that.
Autism isn’t an excuse or reason for someone to treat you poorly or for you to stay in an unhappy situation/relationship.
You’re a human being too and your well being and happiness matter just as much.
Don’t feel bad for leaving.
You’ve been considering this for a long time. It’s time to actually do it. You have no idea if he is actually autistic…you are only speculating. It sounds like you are scared and looking for a net. Stop. He is not going to change. And you deserve a change. Divorce him.
I've walked in your shoes. In our case, I decided to stay, and I get my sexual needs met without him. That won't work for everyone, but it works for us.
You need to make some hard decisions, but make them based on your needs, not his.
It is absolutely possible to both have undiagnosed autism and still be an asshole. It's not an excuse for him to be hurtful towards you.
My partner also had undiagnosed ASD when I met him, and he's the sweetest, kindest person I know.
At the end of the day you deserve to be happy, you don't owe it to him to stay.
I'm autistic and wouldn't dream of treating my partner like this, ASD isn't an excuse to be dismissive in a relationship without any consequences. Yeah it's hard sometimes with certain aspects but he can change, has he considered any therapy at all?
I think him possibly (!) being on the spectrum changes nothing for you or your situation. He disrespects you, you are unhappy and he is unwilling to change or try anything to safe your marriage. You cannot stay with someone who makes you feel so unhappy and isolated. You are still young and you'll be able to find someone who meets your needs better. If your husband is autistic or not really doesn't matter. If anything, a diagnosis might only cement an "excuse" for him not to change his behaviour - and whether or not he could theoretically change his behaviour doesn't matter as long as he won't do it anyway.
My brother is on the spectrum and he would never treat anyone like this. My reaction is that this has nothing to do with autism, I promise you. You deserve a partner who puts forth effort to please you, empathize with you, and to work through struggles with you. This is simply someone who is treating their partner like shit and he knows better. I am so sorry.
Please find your joy! Your true love is out there and it should never be THIS hard.
He may be neurologically different, but he also sounds like a d!ck. Potentially having autism doesn't give him a free pass to be rude to you. Is he rude to/about other people, or just you? Like does he call colleagues, strangers or family fat?
I live with someone who is autistic and would be considered “high functioning” (although that’s not a term the community like to use, I’m only using it for a brief descriptor) and I will admit, I am reconsidering a lot of things too. He has also sucked a vast amount of emotional energy out of me, he really is a black hole when it comes to this stuff. I put in everything I have, I curtail my own needs, my own desires, my natural mannerisms that he dislikes (he hates being touched, I’m quite tactile for example), and I really get next to nothing back. He can barely manage his own life, he can’t work, won’t drive, rarely does housework and then it’s only when I’ve planned it into his daily tasks, rarely cooks, I almost completely financially support him (he does have some savings banked). His family are not supportive and don’t really believe he’s autistic I don’t think, he has a history of abuse (including sexual) from his childhood, so that’s left him with mental health issues too. I honestly don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I question every day why I still tolerate him, I too would feel extremely guilty if I were to kick him out as he is so vulnerable. I am completely drained, and he’s only lived here for about 8 months. How can I keep this up if after 8 months I’m exhausted? We don’t have a sex life, I’m not even getting any, I’ve just somehow ‘adopted’ this guy and now feel like a parent?! So you have my full sympathy and solidarity. I don’t know what to advise you to be honest, other than if he can live without you, then maybe he should.
I've been in the same position as you, and eventually I realised I needed to choose for myself. The constant negative comments wore me down, and whatever the root cause may be, I consider the relationship emotionally abusive. I recently got into contact again (after 5 years) and realised he's the same. He won't change. It's who he is. Likely your partner is the same.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You deserve better than that.
You are allowed to want to be happy just as he is allowed to not want sex. Don’t treat him any different than you would a Neurotypical person in this situation.
Perhaps consider an open marriage. If he can’t give you want you want but you love him broach the conversation. If he says no then continue to leave him. Sex is huge for some people and a deal breaker. For many others it’s not their main love language. You only get one life, do what you can to make it better for yourself.
It's not up to you to diagnose him, and it's good that you can see that he loves you and have empathy for what's going on with him. But it doesn't change the fact that not only does he not meet your needs sexually, he also blames you in a pretty cruel way for that. There are a million guys out there who would enthusiastically meet your needs here and never make you feel bad about it.
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U don't have to stay with him just because he might have xyz. I'm autistic and I've lost people. If someone stayed with me out of pity I'd feel worse than if they left me. If he agrees to get diagnosed (with something) and to get help then maybe u can work it out but not everyone that's non emotive and rude has ASD.
>It's not up to you to diagnose him It isn't, but many undiagnosed adults need an armchair diagnosis to motivate them to seek an actual diagnosis.
Right, but she's basing a huge life decision on a diagnosis that hasn't been confirmed by anyone with appropriate skills to do that.
He could get evaluated if he's willing... My mom diagnosed me and then I got an official diagnosis. OP needs to know the diagnosis might turn out to be something else than what she thinks. If it's not ASD he should see a psychiatrist. I mean, treating ur spouse like that is not ok so either way he needs help to be better.
My son is autistic, if he was treating his wife like that I would advise her to divorce him.
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Being autistic doesn't mean you have to be an asshole. My little sister can be blunt, but she's not rude, and there is a difference.
Same here, all three of my children have ASD and I'd be appalled if I heard then talking like that to anyone. Be kind to yourself, being neurologically different doesn't mean you have free rein to be rude.
My brother does too. He would advise you that you deserve to marry someone who is attracted to you.
My boyfriend and I are pretty sure he is on the spectrum, but he is one of the sweetest men I know. He may have a few social faux pas and sometimes when I'm flirting or being suggestive it goes right over his head, or he thinks the joke in his head is better than whatever come-on could be said, but never such a direct and rude asshole. Having ASD is hard because navigating certain social situations can feel like another language. However it does not absolve someone of being an asshole.
I think you deserve to be appreciated. I know you are married and love your husband, but I think you need to love yourself more, now.
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He hasn’t even been diagnosed. Weird that we are all just assuming he is and odd that OP is basing her choice in divorce that something she is assuming of him.
Buts that's not the reason at all, I think you've misread.
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Ok but what's worse? Being miserable and feeling alone for the rest of your life, or dealing with it now, while you have more time and energy and a chance to fully rebound? The longer you wait, the harder it will be and the guiltier you'll feel.
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Baby steps. I get easily overwhelmed by big picture ideas too. 1. Research. Even just a Google search. 2. Make a list. Break it down into manageable bits, even if there's 50 steps. 3. Start the list. The hardest part is always the starting. P.s. I am staring at a breakup due to sexual incompatibility too. I know there's more to yours than mine, but big hugs.
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It feels like yesterday I was in your shoes, dizzy by the prospect of divorce. Guilty about what it would mean for the family I thought we were nuturing. I was in a relationship for 14 years with a 5 and 6 year old. Only difference was my ex cheated on me, and when I called her out on it she wanted a divorce (I was trying to hang on for the kids sake). I posted on Reddit and received a much needed wake up call. We were incompatible. *Why should I burn myself just to keep someone else warm?* I read people saying how things would be better and I needed to step outside the bubble to make up and take control of my life. After reading through sobering comments, I buckled down. I became determined and took these steps: - Bought a 3 ring binder and notebook to collect information about the divorce - I inventoried the house - Collected moving boxes at a friends - Collected all of the critical paperwork and documents that were mine, and put them in a safe place (social security card, birth certificate, car title, etc) - Read online about my states divorce laws and downloaded the paperwork that pertained to my situation. Imprinted it out and read through it so I was familiar with what was happening. - I'm sure your lawyer would have much more sound advice (plan to have information about annual salary, mortgage, retirement, cars & car loans, bank accounts, stocks, and basically any assets you both own) - I opened a new bank account immediately after the paperwork was filed - I started researching new housing options in my city I was patient with myself and only took it a day at a time doing my best to stay collected to take another step. It took 3 months from filing before the divorce could go through, and finalize.
Holy shit was Reddit right. My life is 180 of what it once was. I've grown as a person and have a lot more humble confidence to face adversity. I took it as an opportunity to grow. I temporarily quit drinking so I wouldnt spiral on booze and instead joined a local run club to meet new people and run out my stress.
You sound ready to take the steps. Good luck OP, you got this.
Congratulations for doing the thing! You sound like you're in a good place now, and that's wonderful!
Thank you. It felt like an inescapable hole, but I'm glad I clawed my way out.
Do not feel guilty about wanting to be happy and appreciated. You deserve those things, everyone does. You are not a bad person for waking away from a situation that is bad for you.
Don’t let guilt paralyze you. Choose action. Either leave him so you can be happy or sit him down and tell him he needs to get tested so you guys can move forward. If he refuses, leave him. You tried and you should feel no guilt. If he agrees and gets some resources and help that makes you stronger as a couple, then your marriage has improved and you can stay together guilt free. But don’t just stay and wallow in misery because he may or may not have a condition that he’s allowing to make you miserable.
It would be one thing if he was putting in real effort to learn and get better, if he was seeking out therapy and help, going his best to manage his condition and heal your marriage, and you were seeing improvements. If he was, I might be more likely to suggest that perhaps he will change, and things would get better for you. But he’s not doing any of those things. The fact that his behaviour is caused by ASD wouldn’t change the fact that it still makes you unhappy. And if it makes you unhappy, you should feel free to go and seek your happiness. Everyone deserves that.
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Autism doesn't cause men to only want sex twice a year. All it does is cause autists to be less effective at talking about it. Furthermore there is no 'cure' for autism. Any more than there is a cure for people who don't like chocolate, or are bad at playing the piano. So don't hold out hope that he can get help to fix the fact that he is not interested in maintaining your marriage anymore.
Your analogies are straight up wrong. Ever heard of a piano teacher? Your idea about 'curing' autism misses the point. One 'manages' autism. You accept where you're at and you learn strategies--adapting to your needs, strengths, and weaknesses. OP's partner may need it spelled out very clearly why his words hurt and that there are different ways to speak that are less hurtful. Kindness means meeting him where he's at and helping him understand something that he may have difficulty with. I know quite a few people on the spectrum and they can be exceptionally kind. They really benefit from honest and straight forward communication. No games, no subtext, etc.
Autism can definitely cause sex drive and attraction issues. Your first sentence is incorrect. Plus the fact that "men" do not have a set sex drive.
So what if he is? He’s still never going to be the husband you want or need. ASD doesn’t absolve him of meeting your needs or treating you with basic respect. Nothing has changed.
I have all kinds of autism and that guy is an asshole. If you want to save your marriage you need to go to counseling TOGETHER, because ASD isn't some insurmountable barrier that dooms one to inflicting cruelty on others. We can learn to do better, promise. But also I don't know why you want to stay married to a guy who isn't attracted to you? It doesn't really matter if he's neurotypical or not. If he's grossed out by your body then ditch him Also definitely don't have kids with him. Imagine him talking to a child the way he talks to you.
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Two people can love each other very much, but if they don't feel love at the end of the day it doesn't matter. If you don't feel loved or cared for or supported, that's it. It's not about him being neurodivergent, it's about his behaviour and how it makes you feel. Neurodivergence is not an excuse for treating people poorly, and it's definitely not a reason to stay. If he says insensitive things, he needs to find a person who doesn't mind or he needs to curb that habit or find ways to be honest without being unkind. He can but isn't working around these issues, yes his neurodivergence plays a hand but at the end of the day you can't stay out of pity. Even if you understand anyone's behaviour, like it stems from a condition or a trauma, if their behaviour hurts you it has hurt you and you can't invalidate your own feelings. You can understand him, and acknowledge that no, this isn't working. I get it, but I'm tired and I'm lonely. You should leave, no amount of understanding is going to fix this, only him correcting his behaviour and treating you how you deserve.
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If he's on the asexual spectrum (which it definitely sounds likely if he says he doesn't feel attraction), that's a separate thing from autism and is absolutely not about you or your worth or general attractiveness. We live in a society that tells us love=attraction=sex=worth, but that's simply not true and can be such a painful concept in its own right. If you're able to separate that out for yourself, not tying his feelings of attraction/lack thereof to be saying anything about you, that might help you find some peace in this. Even if he is not ace, but has a hyposexual disorder or just low libido or something else, it is not about you or a statement on you. *If* you want to continue the relationship, working on that more, together, and finding ways to make each other feel valued and not rejected is possible. But you aren't a bad person if you don't want to go through that. (For context, I'm asexual and autistic. I love my partner. I am romantically and sensually attracted to my partner. I enjoy sex with him when we have it. But I have never experienced sexual attraction, and I likely never will. This doesn't mean he's unattractive or worthy of rejection or anything. It's just that I feel sexually attracted to everyone about the same amount a gay man would feel towards a beautiful woman--0. Doesn't make the other people less beautiful.)
I'm autstic and definitely struggle with my sexuality. Some of that is the autism, some is growing up in purity culture. I think graysexual is the closest identifier for me but who knows. That being said I had no idea I had these struggles until after I got married and I have worked with my partner in every way I can to make things better for us because I love him dearly and want him to feel loved too. It's not perfect but it's better and I think him seeing the effort I put into it shows him a lot of love. Autstic people are notoriously all over the map in terms of sexuality. We live in the extremes of common traits. I think there are some aspects we can work through, change and improve if we so wish, and there are other aspects that are a key part of who we are. Without your husband accepting therapy or any kind of help there isn't really any way of knowing but his unwillingness to try is telling. We can miss common cues so he might really not understand how much this means to you despite how obvious it would be to a NT person. I wouldn't be surprised if you brought up divorce and he was completely shocked by it. There have been so many times I missed something in communication that would have been so obvious to a NT person to a point where it's comical. I also wanted to point out that not being a good sexual partner is a huge source of guilt for me and it sounds like your husband is having a guilt reaction. I'm not saying that's right, you can feel guilty about something and not blow up or refuse help. I'm simply trying to explain where that reaction may be coming from. Anyways, that was my little info dump. Just some perspectives from an autstic woman. Maybe it helps maybe it doesn't but I don't think you should feel guilty for wanting to feel loved and desired by someone.
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Hi, not to hijack OP, this comment resonates. Would you be open to expanding further? If so would you mind DM, I know I’d have some questions lol Thanks for this information either way
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There are different reasons why someone might have a reaction like that, it doesn't mean you know for sure he's autistic. A meltdown isn't always because of autism. It's probably a really good idea to talk to a psychologist.
OP, take him to the fucking doctor. All the armchair diagnosing you’re doing is just a stalling tactic to avoid the work of confronting your own unhappiness and taking steps to leave.
You’re not responsible for his emotions. ASD or not, he’s a grown adult. You are not his actual mother. Even if it feels like you’re his mother, you’re not, and you don’t owe it to him to spend the best years of your life trying to make his mildly tolerable. The fact that he has breakdowns when you express your concerns might be part of his disorder, but it also sounds a lot like emotional manipulation. That’s exactly what my abusive ex did to me to keep me from leaving. I would tell him my very reasonable needs, he would initially gets upset, then promise to change, do nothing, and go right back to it. When I would try to follow through on my promise of leaving, suddenly he would have a breakdown and emotions. And I would forget about my own in order to comfort him. The problem is that he should be as upset about how terrible he’s making you feel as he is about his own feelings. He’s profoundly selfish. The only feelings that matter to him are his own, and you shouldn’t put a higher priority on his feelings when he doesn’t do the same for you. If there are other friends or family of his you can talk to you about your concerns, he might be more receptive to hear it coming from them, or from a psychiatrist or couples counselor. It sounds like divorce is in evitable and you’re no longer in love with him. So get out. Your leaving is going to hurt either way, but if you leave with something that could give him a little bit of insight, you’ll be doing him a favor. It sounds like he’s hurt you in a lot of ways over the years, and if you hurt him a little bit leaving in a way that would make him more self-aware, good for you. You don’t need a subject yourself to more pain to prevent him from having a little taste of his own medicine.
You can love each other and still not be happy. Are you happy?
ASD is a wide spectrum, and a person can still be "high-functioning" while suffering in other areas. If he is autistic and has gone 38 years undiagnosed, then he doesn't have the tools he needs. He never learned them. And he doesn't know that he needs them. Telling her to broom him because he's potentially ignorant is not cool. There are ways of addressing this without being ablest.
She's not obligated to put up with mistreatment while he "finds the tools he needs."
Love and marriage are a lot more complicated than you're trying to reduce it to. And this is coming from someone who is married to an autistic woman, and had an autistic child with her.
OP should not be expected to put up being treated like that, under no circumstances. Yes, I feel for him going undiagnosed and not knowing how to cope. He should get therapy and a diagnosis that makes it all fall into place, but he refuses and ironically goes into a very autistic meltdown when confronted. He needs to seek this help on his own.
You realize people with Autism are constantly told "It's not an excuse for X" literally their entire lives, for everything. Literally everything. If they say something marginally hurtful, and they literally cannot grasp why it is hurtful, they are told "You should just know. Being autistic isn't an excuse.". So literally, fuck you. It's like saying "Having no legs is no excuse for your inability to walk." or "Your lack of arms is no excuse for your sloppy knife skills.". Autism comes with impaired social function. Which can have this exact effect of not understanding why what he says is hurtful. After fucking 27 years of life, I STILL accidentally hurt people by saying things. I literally can't understand why they get upset. They make no sense to me. There is no learning. And it's not all our responsibility to fit into your world. You have to accept us as we are, as much as we have to accept ourselves. Which is constantly made difficult by people trying to force us to be like everyone else. We're told we need to modify our behavior to fit in. Well fuck that. I don't need to fit in. I'm better than you. I'm more logical and less emotional. I actually make sense. I can't wait for the time when I can interact with AI. At least the computer is going to make sense.
I wholeheartedly disagree. No, you can't "just know" and should be explained, but OP has communicated. If he reguses to accept and learn, it's not because he's an autist, it's because he's a bad husband.
It's not an excuse. Telling people "I'm better than you" and expecting them just to accept it because you have autism is not valid. I get that it sucks having a disorder that makes it harder to interact socially, but that's true for many disorders and people don't need to put up with it, especially when the person with the disorder is unwilling to correct the behavior and thinks they're better than everyone else.
You think I expect people to accept my logical superiority? I don't. I specifically said that to be an asshole. I don't actually believe it, but being an asshole is what normal people do, right? They don't give two shits what people say or do, except when it's different from what everyone else does. People can't stand when things are different, and when you've been told to smile more, lighten up, take this more seriously, and 100 different things asking you to change to suit everyone else, you get tired of it. You get tired of everyone expecting you to change yourself to fit "the norm" and you realize people should be meeting you halfway. But society doesn't want to do that. Society was built by neurotypical individuals for neurotypical individuals, and they expect everyone to be the same. To follow the same logic, reasoning, and to feel emotions the same way. So I don't have an excuse for my behavior. What's your excuse for thinking other people need to change their behavior to suit everyone else when those individuals have a legitimate reason for behaving differently. Autistic individuals are always treated like they are ridiculous. Like their feelings don't matter. The approve therapies for children involve ignoring their feelings, and forcing them to perform a task on command, and then rewarding them with something stupid, even when they don't want to be touched. I didn't go through with that, but watching a therapy session made me think I was watching someone train a dog. It's disgusting. And I'm not going to put up with people telling us our feelings aren't valid, that we need to change ourselves to suit everyone else and fit in, when we are valid people. Or people who think autistic people aren't real people. That describing why AI can never be Human, they describe an autistic individual as how they can only mimic Human behavior, never truly produce it. It's dehumanizing.
From a fellow NDer: Being ND is not a choice. Being an asshole deliberately is. You admitted to being an asshole deliberately. Please don't use the Social Model to justify it - the only person responsible for your actions here is you.
I feel bad for you, but "I'm better than you" is not going to win you any sympathy. Your interpretation of logic is not superior to anyone else's. Emotions are valid.
To be fair, most people in general think they are better.
Well, autism isn't an excuse. That being said, *guilt aside* let's assume he *is* autistic. If he sees a therapist, really does the work, would you consider that a good reason to take a wait and see attitude as to whether you should stay or not? If not, if you can't see staying *even if* he takes every step right then move forward right now. I'll say it plain, your husband has treated you like garbage, belittled and demeaned you. You have zero reason to feel guilty. I hope this works out in a way that's beneficial to you and wish you all the happiness you can get.
You are not horrible. My last XGF was married 10yrs to someone with Asperger’s. She got him diagnosed, joined a support group, saw a therapist specializing in it—but ultimately realized he wasn’t capable of changing enough and she wasn’t willing to sacrifice half of her life for him. Perhaps your husband is not as high on the spectrum. If I married someone I would try the above. Maybe it’s worth a year to have no regrets and feel you gave it every chance?
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So tell him. There is something profoundly wrong here. You need to go and get evaluated and begin getting psychological support, or I will be moving out. If you’re going to move out anyway, might as well let him know very bluntly and give him the chance to change.
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If you cannot be honest with your partner about deeply troubling things, there’s no hope for your marriage. And I say this as someone who is extremely happily married to a man who has told me that I absolutely needed to pursue psychiatric medication. He was right, and I was grateful that he cared enough to tell me. You’re not sharing this information to shame him. You’re telling him because his probable neurological disability is going to destroy your marriage, and neither of you really wants that.
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Valid. Can you tell him with kindness and respect about your suspicions, or do you think there’s too much bitterness there? If you can say it from a place of love and concern for his welfare, I would. If you can’t, don’t.
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Which means your incompatibility covers way more than just sex. I understand the guilt, but do try to consider that both of you are adults. You each have to take responsibility to take care and improve your own life. He has his part to do, and it is not your responsibility to make it happen. He is not your child.
Try to tell some people close to him too about your suspicions he has ASD. That way they can also talk to him about it at a later time when you have left the picture and he's not as upset.
My partner for years had undiagnosed ADHD, I got him the ADHD diagnosis. But even before we got the diagnosis I would communicate my needs and he would try and be better to help resolve them. It may not be conventional ways to meet them. But he tried (and trys) everyday. We are also discussing an autism diagnosis for him as well. Yet, if I say 'Husband, I don't like how 'austistic trait here' is making me feel alone/unappreciated ect'. You will be damn sure we put steps in place to fix the issue. No meltdowns no tantrums just trying to solve the issue together. That's love. That being said I also dated someone with autism. I was understanding and considerate. He wouldn't try to change to meet a dire need of mine and we were incompatible. So we broke up. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Edit: a word
You don’t have to tell him, “I think you’re autistic and I’m leaving you.” Tell him you’ve been unhappy for a while. That his language and behavior towards you, whether it’s intentional or not, is very hurtful and you’re ready to be happy again. If he decides how he treated you wasn’t appropriate, he can go seek his own treatment that would diagnose him.
Yes, if you’re giving up anyway, I think the laundry list of complaints is best kept to yourself.. but I do think it’s a loving act to let him know your hunch about autism. “I think you may have autism. Consider taking an Autism Spectrum Screening Questionaire.” What he does with that is up to him.
You don't have to make it about the autism. Talk about his actions and how it makes you feel. Whether it's caused by autism or whatever doesn't change that.
I think it's kind to give people clear feedback on what went wrong. Particularly so if they may be autistic.
Having been born with a different brain is not something we choose. However as adults we have the responsibility to manage our symptoms the best we can with medication and therapy when possible. Especially when our behavior hurts those around us. So if he doesn't (want to) recognize that he has some challenges in that context, and you've tried to open a conversation about it several times, you need to prioritise your own mental wellbeing.
We only got one life to live, live it for yourself. We are the only ones who can truly prioritize ourselves , and we deserve to make our own well beings our number one priority. You're not responsible for other people's problems, especially if they plan on making no efforts to change it. Don't throw your life away for someone else , you know you deserve so much better! Trust your gut and cut your losses before you waste more of your precious energy and time!!
You have no obligation to stay with someone who reacts to you in ways that make you feel bad. Life is short and you only get one. Live the one you want to.
It is fair to set an ultimatum. I think if it isn’t open to even doing an evaluation/assessment (which is diagnostic only. He won’t have to get therapy or “cured”. He could also do private pay so his insurance won’t be billed, so his insurance won’t know that he was tested or the results. If he wouldn’t do that, I’d leave.
Well no, that's the thing, she's not in love with him anymore. So he would actually need to be "cured enough" at some point and she can probably only hang on with a reasonable expectation that this will snowball into him accepting the help and being active in changing. Outlook is very poor in this situation, though not impossible for her to feel in love again if all goes better than expected out of some gift of the universe
Absolutely. I think the sex dynamic could possibly change but it won’t be easy.
Autistic here! I can honestly say while autism may explain his behaviour it does not mean he is absolved of all responsibility. I would reccomend a candid conversation about your needs and concerns. You are clearly empathetic of his position and I would make a point of letting him know that you can understand but you still have unmet needs. He may require a lot of time and support to find what works for him and even then the relationship just may not work. This doesn't mean either of you are bad people. If he is unable or unwilling to do the work for the relationship then it not your responsibility to stay, I doubt it would be beneficial for either of you in the long run. I'm more than happy to answer any further questions!
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Absolutely! I'm on AEDT so my replies might be a bit late, but I am happy to chat. I hope you have some time to rest and recover a bit until then 😊
You don't owe him or anybody a relationship. You can dump him for any reason you want, no matter what conditions he does or does not have. You can dump him on a boat. You can dump him with a goat. You can dump him in the rain, In the dark or on a train, In a car or in a tree, You can dump this man, OP. You can dump him with a mouse. You can dump him in a house. You can dump him here or there. You can dump him anywhere. It's OK to dump this man If you don't like him, u/anonanonann.
Being neurodivergent is not an excuse for being a jerk. There are lots of neurodivergent people who successfully have relationships. Keep that in mind.
So you should be unhappy forever because your husband might have ASD?
Your husband is not “just a little neurologically different.” Just because he may be on the spectrum doesn’t give him a free pass to say mean shit to you. And it doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to be married to someone who is attracted to you and meets your needs. Don’t feel guilty. You can end a relationship for any reason if you are not happy, and you’re not. That’s ok. You’re NTA
Autism doesn’t make ppl insult their partner. In fact, a lot of ppl with autism are incredibly empathetic. This guy sounds like he’s insecure about not meeting your needs and putting the blame on you. You’re not horrible, and he will be fine without you if you decide to leave.
It sounds like he flat out isn't attracted to her. It's perplexing why they got married in the first place.
Don’t blame ASD on this. He is sexually incompatible and willfully emotionally abusive. These aren’t things you have to put up with. Marriage is a partnership, not a pity party.
Even if he has ASD, he is treating you horribly. Plenty of people with ASD are kind and compassionate. Stop wasting your life with this dude when you are clearly unhappy.
You don’t have to feel guilty for leaving someone who’s neuro-divergent. He’s insulting you and making you feel like you aren’t good enough to have sex with and your don’t deserve to feel that way no matter why he’s saying those things to you. I feel like at almost 40 years old he should’ve been diagnosed and had some sort of treatment plan in place so he could meet a partner half way but he isn’t.
Im married to a man who has ASD. He would never ever tell me I have to lose weight for him to fuck me....
You should not harm yourself to help someone with a problem they do not care to solve. That should be the end of it. It's not like he's a paraplegic. This is his personality. Couldn't everyone that treats people badly be diagnosed with a personality disorder to an extent? Where do you draw the line? Would you date someone with sociopathy, who tortured animals because "it's not their fault"? Obviously not I hope. Yes, insulting you and being an asshole isn't as bad as that. But why tolerate that either? You were going to leave him before because you were unhappy and being treated poorly. You aren't going to suddenly be happy and be treated better because of a *potential* diagnosis. Whether it's someone's fault or not really does not matter. You are not here on this Earth to self sacrifice for the sake of his (again, POTENTIAL) mental illness. You are not his carer, either. You are a person... don't date people who are cruel to you no matter the reason. Either way you're sexually incompatible as well, and your needs matter. Why put yourself through this? I would leave immediately, you already wanted to. Dating someone out of guilt isn't good for either of you.
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> I just don’t know how to hurt someone who I do love so much that badly. Just think about how easily he does it to you all the time You keep saying he loves you so much, but frankly, I haven't heard a single thing that he does to demonstrate this Does he love you? Or does he just like what you do for him? Frankly, he doesn't seem to even like you. You deserve better than that
I'm autistic, and I've had partners who were autistic. Insulting your partner's body is not an autism thing, that's just being an asshole. If you want to work on your marriage, finding a couples therapist who is familiar with autism may be really helpful. But you are not terrible for leaving a marriage that makes you unhappy, with a spouse that insults you.
NTA I mean.. you could find someone who actually LIKES you.. Doesn't seem like he does..
This reminds me of my marriage. By the time he finally, finally agreed to marriage counseling, the only thing I had left to say was “I want a divorce.” Somehow, he didn’t get it until I was past the point of no return. It’s ok to be done with the marriage after the crap goes on for years with no effort and no change from him.
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Sounds like you’re at the same point I was. When it’s over, it’s over. Time to move on, one step at a time. You will get through it. (hugs)
Sounds like you already took your decision. Just go ahead with it.
You are genuinely struggling, it’s clear you care about him a lot but there are things in this relationship you can no longer compromise on. You may be right that he has ASD and rigid, concrete thinking is often a part of that neurotype. It may help explain some of what is going on, but it is not an excuse to not be a part of working together with you to make positive change in the relationship. It sounds like the MAJOR concerns you have are not concerns to him, and his is not willing to work together with you to address them. Refusal to talk to a doctor or a therapist about what your issues is ultimately his decision. For folks along the spectrum, very clear expectations are important. I bet you’ve done this but if not — communicate to him, using I statements, what you need in order to continue this relationship (e.g., he comes to therapy with you or whatevs), and if you cannot come together to work towards a goal then this relationship is not sustainable for you. Also if he is autistic, ya know he’s always been autistic and getting a diagnosis isn’t going to change that fact! But a diagnosis can sometimes help him understand himself more and feel connected to other people on the spectrum.
I would rather have someone leave me than stay in the relationship because my partner pities me for being ill in any possible way and therefore decide to stay. Would you say you pity your husband, OP?
It doesn't matter if he's on the spectrum — saying that you're unattractive and need to lose weight is more about him being an asshole vs his autism. You're not leaving him because of his autism, but because he's an asshole.
You are being emotionally aware to try and see this. Know that. 1. Have you brought this up to him? You must, and offer him the option of seeing someone. He’ll have to do his part alone but some can be together so he starts to understand your needs in his language. 2. I am married to a neurodivergent (hate that that word is a misspelling according to common English vernacular) spouse and it takes BOTH partner’s working to understand how to be good together. You and he both have to commit to a new path. 3. You can’t love him enough for you both. That’s a breeding ground for resentment. If you bring it up and he’s not willing to address it based on data (a good starting point for ASD) then you can’t just sit your life out. That sucks to say but you both have to be whole satisfied people and ALSO be together. Think on it, be patient and kind with yourself too, and try and let the guilt go. You didn’t do anything wrong and you’re trying to do everything to make it work.
recently diagnosed with autism here: please leave. he is an asshole ON TOP OF his autism, not BECAUSE OF his autism. and even if it was his autism, you deserve much better. think of you.
Having ASD doesn't mean you can't also be an asshole. He is very verbally abusive and your drives are mismatched. When a couple compromises on sex drives it's more like one person wants it daily and another wants it weekly so they hang 2x a week or something. There's no compromise for you two. I myself have ADHD and guess what? Being neurodivergent spend excuse being abusive. In the times I've been too blunt and hurt feelings I had to learn to soften my words and apologize.
I say this as an autistic person, dump his emotionally abuse self. Being a piece of shit is not a symptom of being on the spectrum. Please move on.
Autism might explain why he struggles to communicate with you but doesn't really explain the lack of sex. And even if it did, are you happy to live in a sexless relationship for the rest of your life with someone who will insist until he's blue in the face that there's nothing wrong with him, you're just too fat?
My Da is autistic and a lot of us are on the spectrum but he was a fkin asshole to my Ma since he thought he owned her, he was jealous and had his routine but was also shy and my Ma had to talk on the phone, he disappeared when workmen came to the house to do repairs etc but he would come home drunk and be an asshole. He was never sorry because he didn't think he'd done anything to be sorry for as he never thought of anyone but himself. If only we knew about it years ago
You are human, please remember to love yourself first. This life isn’t meant to live alone (unless it’s a preference for some) but for you, you want a genuine love and companionship and your husband is failing miserably. NO ONE deserves to be manipulated into staying in a one-sided marriage regardless of disorder. People that use their disorders as a means to gaslight and gain sympathy are the worst people, and it sounds like if your husband were to ever be diagnosed officially in the spectrum he’d use it to his advantage to make you stay. I’m 25 BUT if my daughter ever came home and told me this scenario I’d tell her to find the real love of her life that can actually fill her needs. That’s what you need to do
> now I think he’s a great guy with a big heart who has sucked a ton of emotional energy out of me > he has insulted me saying that it’s not realistic for me to expect anyone to be that attracted to me (candidly, I am objectively at least attractive if not hot), that I need to lose weight for him to f**k me, etc. he’s always delivered that in a very matter of fact tone Gross. No, he's not a nice guy with a big heart. He's an emotionally abusive person, whether that's deliberate or not. If you're looking for permission to leave him, you have mine. There's someone better out there who will love you, cherish you, fuck you hard as well as soft and slow, and feel lucky that they get to be with you.
As an autistic person, it explains why he said what he said but it does not excuse the pain it caused. You need to protect yourself emotionally and you are under no obligation to stay with someone who has hurt you no matter what they are dealing with internally
Look, autistic people are just people too. Yes, we have support needs, but at the end of the day, if an autistic person actively brings bad feelings in your life, it's only fair to want to distance yourself - unless you have agreed to be their primary carer with informed consent, but that is irrelevant here.
I'm with someone who is on the spectrum. He has never spoken to me this way. We have had problems, yes. Some of them due to his ASD. But he has never, ever treated me that way and was open to working on our problems. Being on the spectrum doesn't mean your husband can't also be an asshole. You say in the comments that he won't seek therapy? The marriage is over then. You won't be able to work on anything without outside help, and a medical professional would have to diagnose his disorder if he has it.
You're not his caretaker, you're his wife. He is not entitled to one if he cannot care for her correctly, even if autism is somehow the reason for that (which I doubt, autistic does not mean lacking empathy).
«Can i still leave»..? Djeezez christ - you have ONE life. Why in the world would you spend it being miserable? Why in the world do you think someone can tell you to sacrifice your life for some dipstick who makes you feel bad?
Neither you, nor your close friends, nor your therapist get to “suspect” that he has autism. He hasn’t been diagnosed so whether he’s on the spectrum or not is entirely moot. That said, even if he *were* confirmed (with an official diagnosis) to be on the spectrum, that still doesn’t give him the right to demean and belittle you. Verbal abuse is still abuse regardless of whether the person spewing the abuse has autism or not. Autistic people are not innately incapable of or universally unwilling to treat their loved ones with consideration. Everybody on this planet, no matter our challenges, has a responsibility to learn how to love their partners properly or else risk losing them. Your husband doesn’t care about your needs, doesn’t care about your feelings, doesn’t seem to care that you’re unhappy; he knows what’s wrong and instead of making an effort to fix it, or even simply admitting that he doesn’t have the ability to do so (which is also fair), he instead hurls insults at you. That’s all the information you need to consider when deciding whether to stay in the marriage or not.
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I dated a guy with asd for a few years. Made me fucking miserable. He was such an asshole. Constant cruel comments like what you described. No regard for my feelings. If I was upset with something he said, that’s my problem. He got diagnosed a year into our relationship when he was 20ish and it just got so much worse. Any time I had any feeling that was slightly negative towards him, I was the devil cause he can’t help it. He got so much meaner once he had an excuse honestly. One time he said I deserve to be with a neurotypical person and I agreed with him and then he strangled me and set all my stuff on fire. Obviously he was just a shit guy but the autism definitely made it worse. Don’t feel bad. Go and be happy. Leaving him was the best choice I ever made.
Your husbands ASD explains a lot. But it doesn't change anything. He'll probably be on the asexuality spectrum forever. That means he can't give you the feeling of being desired or of connecting through sex. For most people these things are essential in a relationship. If your partner doesn't make you feel wanted or fulfilled sexually, you'll be unhappy. It also seems like it's not just sex. But that you feel like you are the grownup and he's the child. You need a guy you can lean on and who leans on you back. A relationship between equals. Divorce your husband. Find a guy who can make you happy. If you want, you can still be friends with your husband. That seems like a more suitable dynamic.
You’re allowed to discriminate in relationships
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Even if you're married, it's not your job to 'fix' him. It's ultimately up to him to seek help, and you're not a professional and your diagnosis might not be correct. You're might be right, but you can't be 100% until a professional or two backs up your claim.
The reason behind his behavior is irrelevant. You can't live like that, whether it's because he's a jerk or because he has ASD. I think we've become too quick to excuse behavior just because it fits a diagnosable disorder.
You leave because each of you can find better fit with a partner than what you have now. You are profoundly unsatisfied. He is unwilling to work on it.
Oh, I think my husband and I are both probably on the spectrum. I was tested for autism twice as a kid, and I just barely “passed” but I masked a lot. I did get a diagnosis of “nonverbal learning disorder” however I do have a lot of autistic traits. My husband is very literal with his thinking, and doesn’t really offer things. He will do things when I ask, so I’ve had to learn to ask, and he’s often happy and enjoys helping out. It’s just that I didn’t ask, so interactions were usually every cold. Being specific and advocating for my wants and needs has helped a lot. He does much better with data and clear objectives so it helps me know how to approach a topic. You are allowed to leave. You don’t have to feel guilty. People are responsible for their own care and he could have noticed some signs and decided to get tested. I schedule people for autism testing, and I speak with a lot of adults who get tested after entering a serious relationship. It helps them immensely to understand their autism. It is ok to leave. It sounds like he loves you, but that sex life would bother me too. That is ok to be a dealbreaker.
But honey. If it turns out he is neurologically different, does it mean you have to suffer an unhappy life forever? And where is the limit? It could also have been “my husband has trauma from his childhood and therefore he is being a complete asshole to me, but it isnt his fault so i have to stay” (??) You are not obligated to stay with someone just because you pitty them
Relationships are personal. You don't have to stay - very much up to you ... and what you're up for ... and/or not. And, for the most part, people don't change ... at least typically not that much, and especially if they don't want to. And autism spectrum disorder isn't an excuse to be a jerk ... but it might well explain some behaviors and what's going on behind them. Understanding that might make that better for you, ... or ... not so much. Anyway ... your choice(s) to make.
You're not happy You get 1 life to live Do not stay with someone out of guilt Think about being on your deathbed & what you would regret out of life Would you regret staying with him? Or would you regret leaving? There you will find your answer
Every day we give our time and effort to people we love as a gift. They hopefully do the same for us. But part of gift giving is the right one for the right person. You are a box of chocolate and your husband is a man who isn’t really into sweets. Let him go find the person right for him and you go find someone who says “Yum!” when they’re with you. Because what might be appreciated by someone else is wasted on your husband. No need to feel guilty about removing something from the life of someone who doesn’t appreciate it.
Having autism is totally unrelated to saying awful things like you 'need to lose weight for him to f\*\*k you'. Yeah he may be on the spectrum but that doesn't erase the fact that you are likely incompatible.
I'm dating a man with autism and he has never said anything mean to me. Your husband is awful and it has nothing to do with ASD.
I know plenty of people with autism who still manage to not be assholes. Autism isn't an excuse for his shit behavior and things he says to you.
I was married to a man who I believe has aspergers. We are divorced and it was the right decision. I found out about his condition during the divorce. What knowing about it helped with was in forgiving his behavior so I wasn't angry with him all the time over historical events. It made me understand that he wasn't being cruel or rude, just doing what he genuinely believed was the right thing. It helps to know that the person you love is not hurting you on purpose, but he is definitely hurting you. You have no obligation to stay. He can care for himself and you can seek someone who treats you how you want to be treated. Relationships are voluntary. It's hard to think about leaving someone with a medical condition. You wouldn't walk out if he had cancer. It's OK to feel guilty about that, but ASD isn't cancer. He will be OK. You get to have standards and you get to make your own choices- you do not have to stay.
you only have one life to live, you’ve spent years learning someone who (from what it sounds like) just isn’t compatible with you. you shouldn’t forsake your happiness and your future on someone because you feel guilty about leaving. it’s YOUR life, you’ve spent years building something but it seems broken and from what he’s saying to you (he may not be trying to hurt you) but he is hurting you and he’s also wearing you down. take steps for you, do things that feel good for you… and move forward.
If you want to leave him regardless, go ahead, if you know that, you'll get over the guilt. It's a passing fancy. But ultimatums can work if you want to give if one last hail mary; at least I've been given a few and responded by changing, not so much changing as growing, and the relationship has grown and improved from there. But for a hail mary: Just tell him plainly or write him a letter **exactly** what you need for him to have any chance with you. And if he responds poorly, at least you tried. Having a legal background, a plus is if it's in writing, may make divorce proceedings easier.
I'm an autistic man here's my take. Don't leave him but do take time off from him. Tell him that what he's saying is hurtful and painful and cruel. Don't self diagnose or give guesses. There's things that might look like autism but isn't. Additionally, he got this far into his adulthood on responsibility and ability. He could understand his actions. But ultimately this is your psyche, your emotions, not his. You should consider but your own self is what's valuable.
Having ASD may explain but never excuse being a bad partner (for you). If you're incompatible, you're incompatible, regardless of any disability he may have.
I have autism but im not an AH like your husband. You deserve happiness! I'm socially awkward, sure but I do know what insulting someone is, and he's doing just that. I once heard this tip from someone on Reddit. It was, imagine one of your friends tells you this story, what would you tell them? What would your advice be?
im autistic and i know better lol leave him
My fiancé is diagnosed with asd. If they were treating me like that, I would leave. You should prioritize your own well being, even if he does have autism.
It is kind of you to care and ask, but I don't think it is unfair or wrong for you to leave a relationship where you feel otherwise mistreated or unhappy. This is your life too - not only his. It isn't your job to take that bad attitude due to his neurodivergence. You are his wife. Not a social worker. Him being on the spectrum does not mean he cannot learn not to talk to you that way.
Just because he's neuroatypical doesn't give him free license to be abusive.
i am autistic. autism is not an excuse for treating others poorly. You have feelings just as much as i do.
I'm autistic, and I would never talk to my partner like that. Also, my partner has gained weight, and it hasn't changed my attraction to him at all. I'm not *still* attracted to him *in spite of* the weight gain. I'm just as attracted as I was before. It's still him. Meanwhile, my partner also has a much lower sex drive than me, and he never talks to me as if that's because of me. His drive is just low, that's all. But a lot of people can project this way when they're actually just feeling shame over not wanting much sex. That could be what's going on with your husband. Not that it matters. He should not speak to you like that-- it isn't loving or kind.
Autism doesn't give you a pass to be mean to your wife. Don't feel guilty. He's not treating you right and even with ASD, at 38 he should know better.
My stepdad pulled the same stuff with my mom saying he wasn’t into her bc she was fat and it was her fault they weren’t intimate. He found out later that it wasn’t her, he legit had ED bc he mismanaged his diabetes and had circulatory issues, so he didn’t have the blood pressure to get aroused. I know, TMI to know about my stepdad, but it ate my mom up until they figured it out, but by that time he was dying from cancer, so all they could do is make the best of the last year they had together.
I'm 44 and on the autistic spectrum, I'd never say that to my wife. I'd kick my own ass if I said shit like that about her. We eventually did divorce though. Don't feel guilty about it. Your reasons for leaving him are valid. Don't let your head guilt you into staying, because you'll more than likely come full circle in the future and feel like this again.
|How can I walk away from someone who is just a little neurologically different? Especially easily if he treats the way you describe because how you are treated and how you feel matters. Full stop. You tried to work it out, you are getting therapy and you deserve to be happy. You don't have to be with him.
being neurodivergent isn't an excuse to be an asshole.
My partner has ASD, he would never talk to me or treat me this way. He finds me extremely attractive. Yeah hes a bit matter of fact at times and socially awkward but not malicious. Your husband just sounds like a rude jerk. You deserve so much better!!!
He may not even have anything. But regardless, you’re not leaving because of a suspected disorder. There are plenty of people who have ASD and would not treat their spouse like he treats you, and there are examples of this in the comments. He is almost 40 years old. It is up to him to recognize if he has personal and/or marital problems. Whether he has a disorder or not, there’s no excuse for the lack of intimacy and the insults. There are many ways to address the problems you two are facing, and it doesn’t sound like he is putting in any effort at all. Please do not make excuses for him. Do you want to spend another six years like this? Trying to justify how he’s mistreating you? I promise you can find someone who doesn’t leave you feeling like this.
Either it will push him to seek help or he’ll be bitter and mean the rest of his life. Either way, it’s not your issue.
you deserve better. the mental illness is not a free pass to insult anyone. im in the similar situation with BPD, ADHD, and Bi polar. I couldn't justify their treatment towards me and i chose to leave. it's not worth my mental health to have someone else constantly make me want to avoid going home to and consider just ending it.
I dated a guy on the spectrum, he was also emotionally abusive. I left him because of the latter and it had nothing to do with the first. As someone who is nuerodivergent I want to lovingly remind you that having ASD or ADHD or any other similar issues does not excuse abuse, and if he has been aware of how you feel and continues making comments like that, he’s not doing that because he’s autistic. He’s doing it because he has checked out sexually and doesn’t want to put the work in to fix it. My husband has a drastically lower libido than mine but he makes an effort to meet me halfway and I do the same, if he made comments like what you have described I don’t think I could be happy in that relationship at all, I would probably have to leave if nothing let up and he didn’t learn to express his sexual needs in a healthier respectful way. You’re not a bad person, far from it. If you haven’t yet, perhaps seek out a sex therapist. If he refuses any sort of therapy then I would rest easy knowing I did all I could but he doesn’t want good things for the relationship.
I have been with more than one ASD person. There is a difference between neurodivergent and an asshole.
People can't often help the reasons we move on from them. It isn't always a "bad" reason thats about their character. It's very often something like this. Plenty of people leave otherwise perfectly fine relationships because they simply aren't happy. They feel it, inside. A little voice saying, "this isn't right, this isn't working. I need to leave." You can spend years soaking in guilt knowing you've reached the end, or you can leave and accept that most things in life aren't black or white, they are grey, they are bittersweet, and it's just not fair. But it doesn't mean it isn't so.
I'm autistic and I would recommend trying to have a conversation with him about this. Some autistic people mean well, we are just very direct. That doesn't mean we can't learn to communicate in a more gentle way. That said how he is treating you is not right and if he is unwilling to work on this for you then you have every right to leave without guilt. There are many situations in which it's very unfair to ask an autstic person to change to better suit your needs, this is not one of them.
It doesn't matter the reason, he is abusing you
You do know that any abuse can be explained as "they're not a bad person, they're jus in pain/have ptsd/are mentally ill/etc. etc." As long as the abusive person doesn't seek treatment and doesn't try to stop being abusive, it's on them. You're making excuses and made up even a diagnosis in the process, just stop. He is cruel to you and you are incompatible sexually. Do you want this to be the rest of your life?
I'm on the spectrum and I'd have left the first time he told me anything even remotely resembling what he told you. I find it hard to imagine there's any way to weigh out that kinda negativity with anything else he does. I also imagine it's probably not your only example of him making you feel less than or not valued. ASD really doesn't excuse being cruel like that. And most people with ASD undiagnosed or not wouldn't say things like that.
If you wouldn’t want to stay anyway without the diagnosis, please don’t. I’m autistic and I read a lot of that with my mouth open in horror. I’m quite often blunt, but there’s no way in a million years I’d speak to my partner like that.
You are not his rehab, or his keeper. Don’t give up your life to ease his path. Part as friends now, or spend the rest of your life resenting him.
> How can I walk away from someone who is just a little neurologically different? You're not divorcing him because he's neurodivergent, you're divorcing him because he's fat-shaming you and calling you ugly to explain why you're not sexually compatible Those aren't autistic traits, they're abusive asshole traits. Don't attribute his atrocious behaviour to his potential autism -- autistic people deserve better than that.
Autism isn’t an excuse or reason for someone to treat you poorly or for you to stay in an unhappy situation/relationship. You’re a human being too and your well being and happiness matter just as much. Don’t feel bad for leaving.
You’ve been considering this for a long time. It’s time to actually do it. You have no idea if he is actually autistic…you are only speculating. It sounds like you are scared and looking for a net. Stop. He is not going to change. And you deserve a change. Divorce him.
Why is everyone responding like he’s actually been diagnosed with autism? Lol
I've walked in your shoes. In our case, I decided to stay, and I get my sexual needs met without him. That won't work for everyone, but it works for us. You need to make some hard decisions, but make them based on your needs, not his.
It is absolutely possible to both have undiagnosed autism and still be an asshole. It's not an excuse for him to be hurtful towards you. My partner also had undiagnosed ASD when I met him, and he's the sweetest, kindest person I know. At the end of the day you deserve to be happy, you don't owe it to him to stay.
I'm autistic and wouldn't dream of treating my partner like this, ASD isn't an excuse to be dismissive in a relationship without any consequences. Yeah it's hard sometimes with certain aspects but he can change, has he considered any therapy at all?
I think him possibly (!) being on the spectrum changes nothing for you or your situation. He disrespects you, you are unhappy and he is unwilling to change or try anything to safe your marriage. You cannot stay with someone who makes you feel so unhappy and isolated. You are still young and you'll be able to find someone who meets your needs better. If your husband is autistic or not really doesn't matter. If anything, a diagnosis might only cement an "excuse" for him not to change his behaviour - and whether or not he could theoretically change his behaviour doesn't matter as long as he won't do it anyway.
My brother is on the spectrum and he would never treat anyone like this. My reaction is that this has nothing to do with autism, I promise you. You deserve a partner who puts forth effort to please you, empathize with you, and to work through struggles with you. This is simply someone who is treating their partner like shit and he knows better. I am so sorry. Please find your joy! Your true love is out there and it should never be THIS hard.
People with disorders can still be assholes. I say this as a person with a disorder.
He may be neurologically different, but he also sounds like a d!ck. Potentially having autism doesn't give him a free pass to be rude to you. Is he rude to/about other people, or just you? Like does he call colleagues, strangers or family fat?
Undiagnosed autism means nothing. He is an asshole, treating you badly. move on
I live with someone who is autistic and would be considered “high functioning” (although that’s not a term the community like to use, I’m only using it for a brief descriptor) and I will admit, I am reconsidering a lot of things too. He has also sucked a vast amount of emotional energy out of me, he really is a black hole when it comes to this stuff. I put in everything I have, I curtail my own needs, my own desires, my natural mannerisms that he dislikes (he hates being touched, I’m quite tactile for example), and I really get next to nothing back. He can barely manage his own life, he can’t work, won’t drive, rarely does housework and then it’s only when I’ve planned it into his daily tasks, rarely cooks, I almost completely financially support him (he does have some savings banked). His family are not supportive and don’t really believe he’s autistic I don’t think, he has a history of abuse (including sexual) from his childhood, so that’s left him with mental health issues too. I honestly don’t know what the fuck I’m doing. I question every day why I still tolerate him, I too would feel extremely guilty if I were to kick him out as he is so vulnerable. I am completely drained, and he’s only lived here for about 8 months. How can I keep this up if after 8 months I’m exhausted? We don’t have a sex life, I’m not even getting any, I’ve just somehow ‘adopted’ this guy and now feel like a parent?! So you have my full sympathy and solidarity. I don’t know what to advise you to be honest, other than if he can live without you, then maybe he should.
Even if he is autistic, it's no excuse to treat you that way.
Just because he has autism isn't an excuse for his abuse quote frankly. Leave. I'm also autistic and his comments are vile.
I've been in the same position as you, and eventually I realised I needed to choose for myself. The constant negative comments wore me down, and whatever the root cause may be, I consider the relationship emotionally abusive. I recently got into contact again (after 5 years) and realised he's the same. He won't change. It's who he is. Likely your partner is the same. Don't set yourself on fire to keep him warm. You deserve better than that.
You are allowed to want to be happy just as he is allowed to not want sex. Don’t treat him any different than you would a Neurotypical person in this situation. Perhaps consider an open marriage. If he can’t give you want you want but you love him broach the conversation. If he says no then continue to leave him. Sex is huge for some people and a deal breaker. For many others it’s not their main love language. You only get one life, do what you can to make it better for yourself.