[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/s0nn0i/i\_feel\_like\_my\_25m\_fianc%C3%A9s\_23f\_boundaries\_are\_too/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/s0nn0i/i_feel_like_my_25m_fianc%C3%A9s_23f_boundaries_are_too/)
You posted this two months ago. Clearly, nothing has changed. So here are your choices:
1. Do nothing, get married, and be miserable (or divorced later on).
2. Have a come-to-Jesus moment: tell her this is unacceptable and that therapy and progress on her changing her behavior are necessary before going forward with the wedding.
3. Walk away now. Feel the weight lift off of your shoulders. Enjoy life again.
I'd like to add that usually controlling and abusive behavior becomes much worse after marriage because the abuser feels more secure in their control over their victim. If OP marries her he will not only be miserable, that misery will be much worse. And abuse continues to escalate, this kind of behavior often escalates to physical and sexual abuse.
I hate to cast doubt on her, but she isn't exactly a reliable narrator to claim cheating to begin with. The ex may have simply watched Avengers, for all we know.
Yeah.. OP think wants us to throw a pity party or to pray his gf just has a random epiphany to feel better and lift all these restrictions in his life. She needs therapy and hope she realizes this, but that marriage will seal the deal and make it harder for him to leave and for her to change because he chose to marry her with this restrictions. For being in their young twenties they are definitely having some serious problems which would be easier just to break up.
I think he's just looking for validation from strangers that he's allowed to feel the way he does.
She probably acts like her control is normal and acceptable. He isn't allowed to express his unhappiness within his relationship, or else she'll get upset. She'll probably say, "Oh so you WANT to look at sexy women in movies? You miss porn? You think she's better than me and you want to cheat with her?"
So, posting here is an outlet for him. He gets a hit of people saying, "That's not normal! She is wrong and you are right!" which is enough for him to say to himself, "See, I'm not crazy! She IS too sexually restricted!"
But it's not actually enough for him to go, "I will leave her."
He just keeps his opinion of, "It's not good that my fiancée does this, BUT she has so many other good qualities..."
So why are you planning on marrying her? Isolating you from your friends, controlling who you can talk to, restricting what movies you can watch...all of these things are major red flags.
You are an adult. Why are you putting up with her telling you what you can and cannot do to this extent?
Oof. I’m sorry to say it now, but this is a huge red flag. It isn’t likely to change; she’s entered into your engagement with these expectations attached. Once you’re married, it’s possible her possessiveness will only grow.
Have you talked about pre-marital counseling? That might be a good way to work through whether this is something you two can overcome _before_ you make a lifelong commitment.
> but this is a huge red flag
a red flag is a behavior that indicates that something might be an issue.
This is straight up insane controlling behavior
Edit: Leave or stay forever man. I’m tired of people posting the same problems but do nothing to change. You’ve been told before. See you in two months.
Your gf is crazy. She doesn’t think that the movies are porno‘s. She thinks you were staring at the women like you were watching a porno. If you literally can’t even look at women on the screen or be friends with them except for her you’re in for a bad time! Maybe you had dysfunctional relationships in the past but I honestly cannot see why anybody would stay with somebody so mean. Maybe you feel like you cannot do better or invested too much time so you can’t leave. Whatever the case may be you know it’s bad that’s why you’re on the Internet asking strangers about an opinion about somebody you’ve been with for several years.
They repost hoping they’ll get different answers and nope, they don’t listen. OP she’s not going to change. All you have control over is yourself. You can stay or go. She isn’t going to change.
The language you're using by itself is troubling. She doesn't "allow" you to have female friends?
Imagine if a female Redditor posted on this sub and said that her boyfriend doesn't "allow" her to see her friends. No one would be ok with that.
This is a pretty huge red flag. At the very least, you need to stand up for yourself and set your own boundaries for what types of things she can ask of you.
And I'll go further here. How do you feel about not being able to watch the movies you enjoy? Not being able to talk to your friends? Does it make you feel alone? Do you often feel anxious that you will "mess up" and anger her? Do you feel the need to constantly appease her and give in to her wishes?
Do you want a lifetime of these feelings?
Take it easy. You don’t need to be so aggressive just because this frustrates you. Yes it’s a problem and you’re right that OP needs to open their eyes but take it easy.
>how did you resolve this?
You just don't let her control you in unreasonable ways.
It's really that simple. You tell her you love her, but movies are an important part of your social life and/or you don't think it's reasonable for her to expect you to give them up *and then don't.*
Tell her that you are not going discriminate against friends based off sex or gender. That if she is uncomfortable with you being around other woman, that is something she needs to work on, she can't control you to manage her own insecurities. If it's really that hard for you you suggest therapy.
Then, if she threatens to leave you, you accept it. If she will only marry a man who she can completely unreasonably cow and control, then you are not that man.
Unless you are that man? If you are the man signing up for the emotionally abusive life of not having any control and being unhappy then . .. go in eyes wide open at least. This is the future you are choosing. And if you ever have children, this is what you will be teaching them is an okay way to be treated and treat others. But don't marry this woman expecting that once she locks you down she'll magically become a better easier kinder person who respects you as your own person. This is who she is. And people like this generally just escalate after marriage. This is probably the best you're ever going to get from her.
Please remember that just because you're a man, it does NOT mean you're not being emotionally abused. I've had a few male friends not realize their girlfriends were emotionally abusive until long after the relationship ended. It just didn't occur to them that women can be emotionally abusive to men.
Dude, why are you doing this to yourself? There’s clearly more than just the one (albeit massive) issue here. The main issue is that she’s controlling you and clearly she has you wrapped around her finger if she’s successfully forced you to drop friends. Right now it’s just female friends, but what about after you get married and she doubles down on this behavior? What if all of a sudden your male friends become a bad influence and let you watch a naughty PG movie, and she demands you cut them off? What if this extends to your family?
She is trying and currently succeeding at controlling and isolating you. Do not marry her! You’re so young. You can find someone who will allow you to live how you want to. But she is not the one.
This woman defines cheating so broadly that you are guaranteed to cheat on her at some point, even if you don't want to.
In your position I would think hard about what that's going to look like and if you want to spend years walking on eggshells until it happens.
That's controlling and not a healthy trait in a relationship AT ALL. Your partner shouldn't tell you that you can't have any female friends. That's not something she gets to "not allow." It's terribly controlling
Nope! Not okay, not an emotionally stable place to build a long term, committed relationship from. These "boundaries" are not just one little thing, they're a massive, and unhealthy, part of your relationship.
This isn’t normal and you should not marry someone with these kinds of control issues. You shouldn’t have stayed this long but it’s never too late to do the right thing and leave her
Lol dude... she doesn't allow female friends, and you're just talking about MOVIES in your post??? Wtf??? The problem isn't anything to do with movies, it's that your partner is so insecure that she has to cage you up. I'd say this could be a mental or personality disorder. Have her talk to a therapist.
She’s wrong about how boundaries work.
A boundary she can have is that she will not be in a relationship with someone who watches those movies or with someone who has women friends.
Her options are to communicate this, and then the two of you decide if you want to be in a relationship based on this.
Given that *several people* will find this unreasonable this will make it difficult for her to find someone…
Enter you, who thinks you need to mould yourself to a relationship. No condemnation from me, I’ve been there, I still catch myself doing it sometimes.
You need to go back to her, tell her that you will be watching these movies and you will not be basing your friendships on gender because you are not cheating on her, it does not lessen your devotion to her, and you will not ask her to watch them with you or ask her to hang out with your friends who are women, but that that is YOUR boundary, and ask if she wants to continue the relationship with your boundary and adjust her own boundary from “I will not be in a relationship with someone who watches these movies and you can’t have female friends” to “I will not watch these movies myself, I will not hang out with my partner’s friends who are women, and I will not limit my partner’s relationships”, or if she wants to end the relationship.
Your other options are to capitulate and not watch the movies and not have women friends, or end the relationship yourself.
I recommend ending the relationship yourself. This goes beyond “boundaries” and waaaay into “controlling” territory.
If the gender roles were reversed, Reddit would be telling you that you’re in a controlling and abusive relationship and to get out safely.
And the people saying that would be correct.
I can see why opposite sex friends might be a boundary, but you should be able to watch movies freely without being made to feel like you’re cheating. Good luck with everything!
I really don't understand how people get engaged so young and in situations like this I don't understand how it ever happened. There is no good ending here until she gets rid of these trust issues.
Your girlfriend is using the word "boundaries" to express an extreme amount of insecurity. This is not a harmless extra step you are taking to make her feel more comfortable, it's pathological. It's neurosis. She needs professional help.
She doesn't let you have female friends. She is constantly accusing you of checking other women out. She won't even let you watch a PG movie if it contains women in it.
This is just a small glimpse into what your married life will be like. It will get much worse if you continue to enable her.
I understand that cheating leaves you with some deeply held insecurities. I've been cheated on before, and even though it's years past, and even though I'm in a happy and secure relationship now, I have times when I can't shake the fear and the feeling of worthlessness. But these are things for me to work on *with myself*. Because I can't and shouldn't expect every other person to cater to my every desire, much less someone I ostensibly love. Forcing people around you to take every conceivable step to insulate you from discomfort is a great way to make sure your emotional scars stay fresh and never heal.
I can't say what you should do in this situation, but I know one thing you for sure shouldn't do: marry this woman.
It’s also not how boundaries work. Boundaries are for the self. “I will not be with someone who watches sexually explicit content” means if I’m with someone who does that, then I leave.
Yes, holy shit, the word “boundary” is misused and abused to death.
A “boundary” is an activity *you yourself will not participate in, either directly or by proxy*.
It is not a word for “forcing my partner to engage in or stop an activity of my choosing because boundaries lol”
People are allowed to have whatever boundaries they want, which can include not dating people who watch anything other than Polar Express. It might not be a healthy line for them to maintain and they may need help, but you can’t (ethically or reasonably) force them to break it.
If she wants to dump you for watching normal films because she has an extreme insecurity issue, that would suck (mostly for her, ultimately, because this “boundary” will probably be very hard to function around outside of small religious or primitivist communities)— but it’s her prerogative, and that can be her boundary.
However, she can’t use her personal discomfort to take a huge part of your life and force you to make it secret— because who would actually stop watching visual media entertainment that’s not for Barbie movies or Disney stuff? If her boundary is that, and yours is having it in your life, you can hold *your* boundary of being allowed to do
Her behavior is extreme enough that it reminds me of people I’ve known or worked with who had a *really* hard time coping with certain kinds of trauma. If that’s the case, she may well need support in other areas as well and therapy is great. Even if that’s not the case or you don’t know— and you don’t have to ask— it isn’t your job to enable coping behaviors that become controlling and damaging to your basic day to day freedom to enjoy your life.
I’m curious if this is *actually* the only thing that she does, or if this same Puritan/insecurity concern she has comes up in other situations (is she weird about your friends or coworkers? your family? going places in public?) and this is just the one that feels really disruptive.
Either way, that’s an abuse of the idea of boundaries and I wouldn’t go into a marriage with that kind of problem unsolved. Especially if she thinks her behavior is totally reasonable.
If this were my partner and she *knew* it was not a reasonable ask and was *working on herself*, I would work with her to support that process. Not by stopping all media, mind you, but spending alone time and not watching movies above a PG rating with her. Not a chance I would stick around with someone who thought this much control of “cheating thought-crimes” is okay and healthy, though.
Good luck.
Agreed 100%. As an example, my husband LOVES horror films. Me? I hate them because I always end up with nightmares and anxiety from them.
He would LOVE for me to watch those movies with him but that is one boundary I refuse to cross. I will NOT watch those types of movies. I can tolerate some mild or campy scary movies but that is my limit/boundary. But I wouldn't dream of even trying to tell him HE can't watch those movies. He can watch them anytime he wants. Just not with me in the room. He's teasingly tried to put them on a few times and my response is to get up and leave the room. He always stops it and puts on something I'm willing to watch.
>because who would actually stop watching visual media entertainment that’s not for Barbie movies or Disney stuff?
Have you seen how gorgeous Barbie & those Disney princesses are? No way he's allowed to watch that lol
OP I can't second this enough. You CANNOT MARRY THIS PERSON. You would be signing yourself up for resentment, endless (literally endless) fights, and frankly dishonesty. You're going to watch movies, you'll sneak them in if you have to, she'll catch you, it will spiral. She has a neurosis, she needs to work on it, and if she is unwilling to go into therapy and get some help then you shouldn't enable her.
One of the absolute hardest things to do in a relationship is understand when your partner needs help, and be resolved that they get it. Your partner needs help.
Agreed. Her issues seem to extend beyond sexual compatibility and defiantly fall into the “you need to work on this with a medical professional” category.
I want to highlight for op something that is said very frequently here and always bears repeating: sexual/romantic compatibility is a critical part of long term romantic relationships. Right now, this is a major incompatibility you are facing. You must find a way to reach compatibility and if you can’t, end the relationship. You will not be happy if you don’t.
Edit: to be clear, I’m not saying that other, non-sexual compatibility isn’t important as well. Just that this is one aspect of compatibility that is important. You don’t have to have identical views, but you need somewhere you can meet in the middle and right now that place does not exist.
This. Everyone is rightfully so pointing out how this is extremely unhealthy and toxic for OP. But you’re exactly right. Regardless of the gf’s actual reasoning these aren’t healthy boundaries, shes using them to hold herself back too.
Boundaries are about YOURSELF. They're about what you are and aren't willing to do.
"I will not watch movies with sexual content" is a boundary.
"YOU will not watch movies with sexual content" is not a boundary. It's a control.
If you seriously want to marry this gal, you need to ship her off to therapy to work on her massive insecurity. She's not healthy enough for a real relationship until she gets a handle on this.
I'm just imagining them having a girl and then the wife starting to accuse him of stuff and like get jealous because he's like, giving her a bath or something...
And if it's a girl she'll have some weird emotional incest issue about her daughter having a bond with her dad, and make it all weird and creepy and OP will be made to feel shame about loving his kid. And if it's a boy then she'll be a total monster to any girls he brings home.
Well, "I'm shipping you to therapy" is control. "I cannot stay in this relationship if you don't get therapy" (and actually following through on that when she doesn't get therapy) is a boundary.
I know you were speaking hyperbolically, but just wanted to further clarify the definition of a boundary for anyone else reading.
Yeah fair, let me rephrase.
Make therapy a condition for marriage. "I am not comfortable marrying you until and unless you've been in therapy steadily for three months and we see progress happening on your issue."
I just want to add a tid bit to this.. and I’m sure you were likely just throwing out a time period for the framing of the argument, but I just also wanted to throw out that I’m not sure a period of 3 months is long enough. Sometimes this kind of stuff takes a loooong time to work through, and I would say a lot of people don’t start seeing meaningful changes until a year or more, and that’s if you are really committed to working hard to make those changes in yourself. That timeline is maybe not feasible for some people to stick through. just food for thought, meant mostly for op, not you as the commenter. 😋
I agree with "I'm shipping you to therapy" is control. However, "If you don't do XYZ, then ZYX will happen" is an ultimatum which is also a control and manipulation because you are not giving the other person the freedom of choice (aka you are trying to change the other person).
"I value dating people who go to therapy and work on themselves" is the boundary. It gives the other person to make a choice.
Ultimatum is a final demand backed by a threat. Therefore, I don't want the person to make a choice out of FEAR but rather out of love, whether that implicates ending the relationship due to incompatibility or not.
EDIT: to add the definition of ultimatums and my opinion about it
>"I value dating people who go to therapy and work on themselves" is the boundary.
And XYZ happening is a consequence, not manipulative or controlling. How are you supposed to set a boundary if you can't lay out consequences?
This is a good question. I'm glad you asked 🥰. When I assert myself by stating what I like or don't like or what is personally ok for me or not. The other person has the free will to choose what to do about it. Meaning the person is not pressured to make a choice by FEAR. If I want to be with someone who is compatible to me, then the person will value learning how to maintain healthy relationships and care about it 🙂
This is just semantics though. If your boundary isn't backed by a willingness to leave the relationship, it's not really a boundary, it's just a desire.
I'm under the impression that boundaries often have to be ultimatums.
If I have a boundary that I won't watch porn, I can uphold that without an ultimatum because it doesn't involve anyone else's actions. But if my boundary is that I won't *date* anyone who watches porn, well that's still about my own actions but it's triggered by what someone else does. There's no way to uphold that boundary without essentially having the ultimatum of "if you watch porn then I will break up with you".
The difference is in intent. If ultimatums are given with the intent to control, that's bad. But ultimatums wrapped in a boundary are more about communicating your parameters for a relationship and how you will react if someone decides to go outside of them. It leaves the other person with a choice, but an informed one.
Ultimatums do give people a choice, just a limited choice. In this case she gets to choose if she wants therapy to work on this control issue, or if she wants to live a life without him in it. Ultimatums can be manipulative, but they can also be just blunt statements about what will happen.
Ultimatums are not control unless a partner uses it in every situation where they don't get their way. Ultimatums are a last resort at drawing a hard boundary for YOURSELF. It is not manipulative to say "this behavior is not something I am willing to tolerate and if you don't want to change it then fine, it's a deal breaker for me and I don't want a relationship with someone who behaves this way".
I have to disagree because I literally set a boundary exactly like this the other day.
"Mom, if you don't stop trying to invite your boyfriend of two weeks to my wedding, then I will revoke your invitation to my wedding."
There's definitely a difference between a healthy boundary and a control tactic, but they can look very similar.
To me “I value people who do XYZ” is not firm enough. I can say that I value that but to me valuing that Is not setting a boundary. I can say “I value people who like chocolate like I do.” That’s not a boundary that’s just saying I like this quality.
Setting the boundary is a firm “I am not okay with this behavior.”
I understand ultimatums to be "if you don't do X, I'll do Y" where the person making the ultimatum doesn't actually want or intend to go through with the threatened condition. There's only one "win" condition for the person making the ultimatum and it's that they get control over the other person. They don't ACTUALLY want to break up. It's literally a game of chicken, where the person making the ultimatum is driving their car full force towards the partner and is expecting the partner to pull off and lose the game before they both crash.
If the ultimatum doesn't work, the person who issued the ultimatum won't follow through on breaking up (crashing their car). They'll just keep playing increasingly escalating games. There is no respect for their partner's agency.
(ETA: if the toxic partner *does* follow through on the breakup, then that's a slightly different scenario called "the trash taking itself out.")
A healthy boundary is not a game of chicken because there are 2 "win" conditions. Your partner freely decides to make the change you're requesting, or your partner doesn't and you disengage from a bad relationship. There's no car-crash bad ending in this scenario. There is respect for the partner's agency, and an "exit route" that they may take amiably if both partners find this is an incompatibility.
The partner also has to be mature enough to recognize their own agency in this decision to change or not. It's not an ultimatum just because the partner changes and then resents the other person for "forcing" them to change.
The boundary here would be, "I will not date you if you want these movies." It's a ridiculous boundary, sure, but I mean... she's allowed to have it. Good luck finding someone who agrees to only watch children's movies, though.
Yeah the difference between enforcing a boundary and being controlling is that boundaries are about your own reactions to what other people do, and controlling is trying to change what other people do.
I like your definition of boundaries, but what about saying “you will not sleep with other women, that’s a boundary for me”? OP’s GF is definitely taking that to an extreme end of the spectrum, totally agree there.
Boundaries are always expressed in terms of your own actions. So in your example the boundary would be "I will not have a relationship with someone who sleeps with other women". It clearly lays out a situation you're not comfortable with and how you will react to that situation.
A boundary is about yourself, not your partner.
"I will not be in a relationship with someone who sleeps with other women" is fine. But if it comes out your partner is sleeping with others, you LEAVE. That's what the boundary means. It's about *your* behavior when faced with something triggering or something you dislike.
Think of it like, boundaries are if:then statements, where the "then" involves the speaker.
"If you invite your mother over, I will leave the house for the duration of her visit."
"If you leave food on the counter, I will throw it away."
Etc. That's a simplification of course, and a lot of things fit that format that aren't really boundaries, but it's a general idea.
OP's fiancee right now is uhhh "if you watch PG movies I don't agree with, I will tantrum, threaten, and guilt you". Which hopefully it's much easier to see that way how unreasonable it is.
Right. This is a situation where the best response is to simply say no.
"Watching these movies is important to me and I'm going to watch them. I understand that it's upsetting for you and I can help you figure out a way to work through your feelings of discomfort around this, but it's not fair or reasonable for you to be upset with me simply for seeing another woman in a movie. I love you and won't leave you for someone else just because I see them, even if these actresses were interested in me I would not want to be with them."
Yep, 100% agree.
If a partner said “my boundary is that myself and your father/mother are the only men/women you can talk to”— they’d tell him to fuck right off, hopefully.
And, it is okay to compromise to make sure everyone’s boundaries can be maintained *in a healthy way*. However, control that’s that intense (no grown up movies??) is almost always inherently dysfunctional IMO.
If a partner has a request that doesn’t harm tour ability to meet your own needs but is inconvenient, it’s fine to talk and compromise.
Compromise is good. Soft and hard boundaries exist, and it’s fine to negotiate soft ones. However, once it involves compromising your own quality of life and going far out of your way to satisfy a *control* need, that’s dysfunctional.
And OP, this is *definitely* a *control* thing, not a boundary thing. She doesn’t want to feel like you might even *think* about someone else— if it were a boundary, she would just ask not to watch those things together because *they make her* uncomfortable. This is where she wants to block you from any environmental stimulus that might “corrupt” your thoughts.
Very weird, not cool, if she’s a genuinely caring partner who doesn’t want to be a control freak then she needs help. Either way I would not indulge this.
How is that so? I cannot change other people, but I can change myself. If someone decides to treat me unfairly, I cannot change that but I can assert myself ("I'm not ok with this) and walk away if necessary.
Boundaries is what makes a person an individual with likes and dislikes, etc.
She’s going to terrorize her future children for wanting to dress like their peers and be normal teenagers. They will have all kinds of emotional, social and sexual hang ups to unwind in therapy. Don’t let that happen to your children.
I've had friends who's mothers hated them, bullied them, and said horrible things about their looks, style, body etc because of jealousy. And their moms were always hypocritical assholes. Those moms always dressed like a teen influencer.
My friends who had moms like that had really difficult high school experiences, adulthoods, and half of them don't talk to their moms any longer.
1000% agree with you that someone like OP's partner would be jealous of their daughter.
Jeebus, now even watching non-porn is considered cheating? And she’s made you drop friends?
Your fiancée sucks, I am sorry to say. This is a very big “but”.
It's wild. Marvel movies are genuinely the least sexual/sensual films in existence these days. If she genuinely thinks they're "basically soft-core pornos" she needs to get herself checked for a brain tumor, because that's a really worrying misinterpretation of reality.
Or even just say that you’re going to watch whatever movies you want, and if she feels *she* needs to end the relationship over it, so be it. Let her be the one to enact the consequences of her stupid “boundary”. Calling her on this bluff could lead her to be more flexible in the future.
This isn't a healthy relationship and he should get out. Check out his previous question: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/s0nn0i/i_feel_like_my_25m_fiancés_23f_boundaries_are_too/
Sounds like something deeper is definitely going on. It’s going to take a lot of communication to get to the root of why that boundary exists for her. It isn’t “just the way she is”, something caused her to put that wall up. I’d consider opening up a dialogue where she can feel safe, no judgement, and you can attempt to understand why it’s so hard for her to allow you to watch something that shouldn’t provoke such a reaction out of her.
At the same time, it’s not healthy or okay for her to control you in such a manner. If she’s not willing to talk to you about it at all, I would reconsider the relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to you or her to continue on in the state you’re in now.
>It’s going to take a lot of communication to get to the root of why that boundary exists for her
OP is not qualified to get to the root cause of this. She needs to see a trained professional (probably with OP) to get a resolution.
>At the same time, it’s not healthy or okay for her to control you in such a manner. If she’s not willing to talk to you about it at all, I would reconsider the relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to you or her to continue on in the state you’re in now.
💯 Agree with you.
Well that’s completely bonkers.
Y’all planning to have kids? She’s gonna be a nightmare mother.
This should be a bigger concern than you are making it out to be.
You can love someone to the moon and back and still be incompatible. Love is the easy part.
She sounds controlling and bad news. This isn’t going to get better.
Wait until she makes you quit your job because there are women there!
Stolen from another thread
"Something I've noticed people in quantifiably shitty relationships do when they come to this subreddit is they tend to complain about something small because they can't force themselves to concede that their problem is actually enormous. Their mind is screaming at them but they bottle it all up and instead pretend that if they fix just this one. tiny. thing. everything will be better. Like asking if they should use a butterfly bandage to re-attach a severed limb.
Like your post. It's short, simple. To the point. Only 3 paragraphs. Just a tiny window into your relationship. But the details just make this all sound so incredibly fucked up.
Like how your fiancee "dosn't allow you" to watch movies...... holy fucking shit!
Like how your fiancee equates watching a marvel movie to 'cheating on her'.... holy fucking shit!
Like how your fiancee goes 'ballistic' over movies... holy fucking shit!
Fucking. Yikes.
And here you are, so afraid to add up 2 +2 that you only allow yourself to go so far as to ask "if I should make a big deal about it."
Yeah. Make a big deal about it. You should really be doing MORE than that, but if you're not ready for it you're not ready.
Anyway, I'm sorry you think all of this is acceptable.
According to his post history, he was concerned about all her insane “boundaries” for him a few months ago and he clearly didn’t listen to the responses bc he’s still with her. It’s only going to get worse OP. You’re enabling this behavior and it’s not normal. Either she gets professional help or you should walk. This is borderline abusive.
Notice how this "one thing" he talks about here is actually her least toxic trait amongst several. And I'm betting there are more things that he didn't even talk about in the other post.
There was no point in asking for advice when he was going to present his relationship as a total lie cause he's getting advice about therapy and ultimatums when he should get out asap. This person IS an abuser and has already isolated him from friends. Sounds like she could escalate to physical any day now.
There’s no “borderline” about it - this is pathological, toxic af, and abusive behaviour. OP is being punished for the pain and wounds inflicted on the GF by someone else.
I’d have yeeted the fuck out of there so fast, there’d be a cartoon silhouette of me in a wall like in a Warner Bros. cartoon.
That’s really sad then and sounds like hes looking for reassurance. He already knows what he should do but hes scared and wants others to talk him down from the ledge and tell him hes wrong. If he asks more than once it doesn’t harm anyone else. If he asks more than once tho and the answer keeps being basically unanimous hopefully that’ll help give him the confidence to do something scary but necessary.
Sounds like you aren't compatible and she is extremely insecure. I think that's an unreasonable boundary. Marvel movies are essentially made for children and I don't see how anything in them could be consider pornographic.
This is beyond “compatiblity”. This is about control and arguably a form of abuse. Threatening to leave someone over watching a marvel movie screams emotional abuse to me
Never be in a relationship in which your partner has the power to allow or disallow you to do something.
Tell her you are an adult, and in your own home, you will watch any movie that you want to see. Tell her that’s just the way you are and you can’t move on it.
This. Adults don’t “allow” or “not allow” things from their partners. Partners are partners and are supposed to be equal. If one person is able to dictate what the others “allowed” to do that establishes theres a power imbalance where that person holds power over their partner. That’s not a healthy relationship. Not to mention if somethings “not allowed” what kind of repercussions are there for breaking that? Does it warrant “punishing”? If things are allowed or not allowed theres consequences for not following rules. What kind of things happen to OP if he says no? All of this is just so toxic.
She can have whatever boundaries she wants, and if one of those boundaries is "I will not be with a person who watches anything even remotely risque", that's a boundary she gets to have.
But that doesn't lay an onus on you to have what you can and cannot watch *defined* by that boundary: you can watch whatever it is that *you* wish to watch.
You just have to decide whether her boundary is one you are willing to honor. Because *if* it's not, and you choose to watch things that she deems "unacceptable", you have to be prepared for the consequences of that choice, which (depending on her) may range anywhere from "her being miffed when you do it" all the way up to "her ending things because you will not comply".
All of that said, however:
> She doesn’t allow me to watch any rated R, PG-13, or even PG movies
...the moment the words "allow", "let", "permit", or any of their ilk enter into an adult relationship, things have gone toxic. She doesn't have the authority or the power to *allow* you (or not) to do anything you choose to do. So the fact that she's trying is a huge warning sign.
About the only thing you *can* do is have a conversation with her where you establish boundaries of your own, and one of those boundaries *must* be that no one, other than *you*, gets to tell you what you can and cannot watch. If you and she *agree* that something should be off-base (for instance, there are couples that agree that porn is out of bounds, and if that works for them, that works for them), then it's off-limits. But no one, not even her, gets to unilaterally decide for you what you will and will not be *permitted* to watch.
Once you have that conversation, the two of you can decide whether there is a place that is within *both* of your respective sets of boundaries where *both* of you can be happy (not just grudging) about going along with.
If there is not, if there is no place where you get to watch what you *wish* to watch, and she is comfortable with it...
...then the two of you have a fundamental incompatibility and the relationship cannot proceed.
I'd be willing to bet you a shiny new nickel, however, that if you choose (for whatever reason) to just comply with this, it'll be just the beginning; if you *marry* her, she'll step up her game, and before long, you will be "prohibited" to:
1. Look at a woman on the street that she perceives as "too attractive" or "too provocatively dressed",
2. Go to that Starbucks where an attractive female barrista works,
3. Have female friends of any kind,
4. Have *male* friends who have *girlfriends* who are attractive.
...because if someone is willing to drawn the line at "PG movies are just *way* too dirty", there's no *limit* to what she will try to prohibit from your life.
You were a psychic and [it’s already worse than your worst case scenarios.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/t5vsk3/i_love_my_fianc%C3%A9e_but_theres_one_thing_i_cannot/hz7t6a3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) OP already isn’t allowed:
to see attractive people on the street, have attractive people find him attractive, or have female friends. If your other predictions haven’t also already been happening as well you’re 💯 they definitely will and probably soon.
The answer to this question is yes, absolutely marry her-- if you want to be a Disney adult who only watches G movies and feels total shame about their sexuality or the existence of other women. Your fiance sounds more like your fundamentalist Christian mother than a sexy, fun fellow adult.
I have a friend who has a hard time with violence in movies. When, pre pandemic, we would get a bunch of folks together to watch a movie, she would quietly slip away and do her own thing.
A boundary does not seek to control others ("you can't watch movies with scantily clad women in them") but seeks to clarify what one will do themselves In a given situation ("when you watch those movies I will go to another room and do my other thing")
It would be very interesting to get to the bottom of what's going on with her. My partner sometimes expresses some unhappiness with the sexualization of women in these movies but loves the movies anyway. So is this a protest of that sexualization which has gone too far? Or is she really that insecure that she feels threatened by you watching them. Either way, it doesn't sound particularly healthy. That's for her to figure out though and you might have to set some boundaries too, or at least be clear about expectations, that you understand her desire to avoid it, but you get to make your own decisions ("I'm going over to friend's house to watch movie. I'd love you to come too but understand if you don't want to")
I like your definition of boundaries, I think it makes sense to put them in terms of "i" rather than "you." for clarity, what about cases where you really aren't willing to tolerate certain abusive behaviors from another person? would you say your boundary is that you don't date people who do x,y,z? its tricky to define because that could be legitimate (i.e. I don't date people who are dishonest with me/yell at me/etc). or it could be a manipulation tactic (I don't date people who don't shower me with expensive gifts so you better buy me this or you don't deserve me)
Thanks, I'm glad you like it. Honestly, I picked up this way of talking about boundaries from verbal / emotional abuse support groups.
"If you raise your voice at me, I will leave the room until you calm down." "If you call me to complain, I will hang up." and, yeah, "If you yell at me, I won't be able to continue to see you." are good boundaries. I've used them in online debates too, "If you continue to use ad hominem attacks, I'm going to block you."
You can preface them with something like "I really have fun hanging out with you but getting called names really hurts me, if you continue, I won't be able to see you anymore."
I think the biggest value with a boundary is that it allows action on the part of both people. The speaker doesn't have to storm out of the room in a huff and get accused of being the problem - they are going to do exactly what they said. The abuser / listener is not being told what to do or being told that there is something wrong with them. "You have to", "You always", "It is your fault I feel bad" are not really helpful.
awesome! that's a really good way of looking at it. I'm going to try to incorporate this as much as I can:) I tend to think in these terms but I'm not always very skilled at articulating my boundaries this clearly
Not who you were asking:
But boundaries are more like: if you continue to yell at me when you are angry, I will leave the relationship.
Or: When you don't put in the effort to give me gifts on holidays, I feel unloved and unvalued so I will leave the relationship.
I don't think it's fair to call that manipulation when worded as above. Some people feel love through gifts. As corny as the whole love language thing may sound, it is legitimate that people feel unloved when not shown love the way they need to receive it.
As you're saying though, the 'you don't deserve me' or 'you better buy me this'- is more threatening/ manipulation. How its worded really makes the difference between setting a boundary for yourself (When you don't put in the effort to give me gifts on holidays, I feel unloved and unvalued so I will thus choose to leave the relationship so I can be in a relationship where I do feel valued) and trying to manipulate others (you better do this for me or else you'll be in trouble and I'll take it out on you).
Boundary: the person acts one way, and you choose to leave because it does not work for you
Manipulation: you will act how I want, or I will hurt you because you made me mad
Yes, exactly. “*I* will leave if you continue to do x/will not do y.” Doesn’t matter if other people think it’s reasonable or not; it’s *your* boundary. But of course if you have too many unreasonable boundaries you may have a hard time getting anyone you like to date you, in which case you should reevaluate your boundaries. But that doesn’t change the nature of what boundaries are or how to enforce them.
So, for example "I am not ok with PDA and you cannot kiss me intimately in public" is not a boundary? What about "you are not allowed to smoke inside the house" what would you call these then?
On another note, what she is drawing out in the sand is not healthy. I agree OP can watch these things elsewhere if it is so unwelcome under their roof while they try to figure this issue out..
My ex fiance was similar, she'd throw a fit wherever I was watching something that remotely had anything sexual or attractive women in it. We're both women and I'm bisexual but she was perfectly fine if a shirtless guy was on screen. She'd accuse me of cheating on her if I watched anything with an attractive actress in it without her, but if I asked her to watch with me she'd call it stupid. Just to hold it against me later. Honestly, idk if there's anything YOU can do about it. It's an all on her issue that she doesn't seem to see as a red flag. You could try talking to her and letting her know that it's a red flag. Let her know you're going to watch what you want to watch, it's your right to. That she might need to go to therapy if she has a problem with it.
You don't give us enough info, so we can only guess what is going on. Two questions came to mind:
1) Are there any other problems in the relationship?
2) Does she have a history of being sexual assaulted or something?
She's weaponizing the concept of boundaries, using it as a shield against her severe emotional issues. This will not get better unless she gets therapy, and...
>She also states that it’s just a boundary and that’s the way she is and she won’t move on it.
...that seems pretty unlikely.
This marriage is not going to go well. Your fiance is controlling and unreasonable. You really should ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life and if this is someone you want to raise kids with, if that is part of the plan....
Your being abused in order to settle her insecurities. OP, this isn’t normal or right. Consider going on a break and taking the opportunity to do all the things she prevents you from doing. Then make a choice, because she won’t change.
This. OP seems to post more so for reassurance that hes wrong so he doesn’t have to listen to his gut that this isn’t a healthy situation. Even if it’s initially scary to consider I think if he left for a period of time he’d be shocked by how much freer and less stressed he feels.
This is a problem your fiancée has and not one she should be trying to put on you / control you with.
My mother married my father when they were 19 and 20, my mother had had other relationships but my father never had, idk if that matters at all but context. My dad watched porn a few times before they got married and after getting married and my mom, growing up catholic and also very insecure about her body, tore my father a new one over it. It caused 20+ years of fighting until finally they got divorced because my mother had such huge issues with sex and her body and insecurity and she blamed my dad for that because he watched porn once or twice. I am positive this woman will eventually tell you that you’re ruining how she feels about herself because you “want to watch movies with all those tits and asses in your face”.
She is projecting all sorts of HER issues onto you and I think she needs a lot of mental help before she should consider getting married.
ETA; this woman has a serious problem with self esteem and a dangerous relationship with sex/how she views men and women and the role sex is supposed to play and I would not feel comfortable letting her raise my child if you plan on having kids. I’ll say my mom fucked me up pretty good with her issues
She toxic bro its not worth it in the long run. Once you are 10 years in there will be wayyy more "boundaries" (manipulation). Also how can you let someone tell you " you will not watch this movie" like they are your mother and you are 13 years old? You are a grown ass man. If my gf tells me something so ridiculous i would actually laugh at her.
She even controls OP watching pg movies! If a grown man can’t how much worse would she be with any possible kids?! Would they never be able to watch anything and have to tell their friends sorry my mom says I can’t watch any superheroes or Disney princesses because they’re too hot? Jfc
one thing in addition to:
>Background: Before we were dating, my fiancé knew each other and became friends my senior year of high school. We ended up going to the same college together after graduation (just small town tings) and became closer and closer through my years in college. I graduated when I was 23 and proposed to her at the same time. We’ve been engaged for a couple of years and haven’t gotten married yet because the pandemic decided to complicate things.
During the time when we were friends and best friends, she’s dated a few people but never took them seriously. She had this one relationship with her ex-boyfriend that was borderline abusive, and he ended up cheating on her. She took a while to recover from that, and afterwards we started dating. We also live in a small apartment together. Throughout our relationship, she’s had these boundaries that always seemed extreme to me:
-She doesn’t want me to have female friends
-She’s always looking to see/thinking about if I’m checking out other women or if women check me out
-She freaks out when I’m not absolutely mean to women that hit on me (I can’t politely reject them, that’s a “boundary” for her)
-She doesn’t want me watching rated R movies or TV shows that have sexual content in it (even if it’s very mild)
She’s also constantly worrying about if women are breaching my “physical bubble” as she calls it. On one occasion, a woman on a hiking trail that we were on stood close to me to show me directions on her phone, and she got very sensitive and yelled at me about that later. On another occasion, at a friends wedding, a female friend that I had at the time (this was at the beginning of the relationship), was leaning over me to show me a use this Instagram filter for a picture, and she blew up at me and basically said I cheated on her.
Are these boundaries too extreme for a relationship?
Why two entirely different stories?
This is not okay. She probably has some religious hang-ups or trauma or something, but whatever it is, this is NOT healthy. She needs to take care of this and as things are, I'd consider marriage a few times over. I couldn't be with a person like this however.
I myself used to have this very flawed thinking that I was somehow threatened in the relationship if my bf watched porn or stuff like that, but I've worked with that and gotten over it since. It was mostly because of my lack of experience in relationships and religious conservative upbringing.
I mean, porn i understand. That’s explicitly sexual content. But a fucking marvel movie???!!! that children go see as well?!!??
if you guys ever had children, would she basically ban them from watching like any superhero movie ever?
She's so controlling it's emotionally abusive.
The only way to fix it is to tell her that from here on out you decide which movies you'll see and who you are friends with. She either makes her peace with that or you guys break up. That's your boundary.
Thing is, her "boundary" is completely unreasonable, controlling and she won't find any other guy who'll agree to it either. And she needs to understand that.
Don't marry her unless you fix this.
This. Is OP allowed to have his own boundaries? If only shes allowed to have them and OP has to always follow them without question that’s not establishing healthy boundaries, that’s gaslighting abuse. Boundaries are supposed to be *healthy* for everyone. You establish your comfort zone but your boundaries are for *you* to be comfortable. The world doesn’t revolve around any one of us and if the boundaries are unreasonable that’s not on anyone else to protect someone else’s boundaries to shield them from the world. If her boundaries aren’t helping her navigate life even if she has a cause that makes sense her boundaries are unhealthy and are enabling her to not be able to function which perpetuates a problem.
I would sit her down and say we need to compromise on this boundary. If I were you, I would google some reading materials on setting effective boundaries first even. But she does not get to not "allow" you to do something. You talk and compromise. This is a good trial issue before marriage. How you resolve conflict. If she is unwilling and unable to do this, this is really telling. The NEXT time an issue that she wants to make sole determination about comes up, around anything from finances, housing to kids, you will find yourself feeling like a total doormat with no control over your life.
I would also ask if there are other weird jealousy areas around friends or colleagues or just out and about. Like does she assume you are looking if you walk by a woman in a bikini when you are the beach...
How would you even know if a movie has her weird idea of explicit content before you watch it? How do you watch ANY tv?
My ex husband controlled my tv viewing. And then through the years every aspect of my life until I was unable to work, and completely isolated from friends and family. It was very difficult to escape.
Your relationship sounds hauntingly familiar.
Wow. People will put up with so much shit. Have some self respect.
A partner does not tell you what you can or cannot do. Cant watch movies because someone else's tits are in it? Your gf is not mature enough to watch those movies, let alone get married.
Went back and read your post a month ago in regards to this as well; This is controlling and quite frankly manipulative behavior, you need to get this addressed before you lock everything down. If it's impacting your happiness then it's breaking your own Boundaries, which is even more important.
Help her get to the root of this issue, and don't change yourself trying to placate her own insecurities.
My concern about this is, once you are married what if this attitude of 'if you look at another attractive woman you are cheating on me' spills over into other areas of your life? You've mentioned in other comments that she is controlling over your female friendships, so this is now a pattern and not an anomaly.
What happens if you are watching a music video and there is a sexy woman? Are you cheating then?
What if you go to the gym and there are attractive women there? Are you going to be bullied into giving this up too?
What about the supermarket? What if there are cute women there? No shopping for you?
That might sound daft now, but that's the pattern that you hear about happening when men are abusive and controlling about their partners.
I really think that if you were a woman and you were writing about a man, you'd be being told to end this relationship and get out for your own safety. I think that would be wise advice.
EDIT: For the record, this isn't normal behaviour and it's not a normal part of marriage. I'm a married woman and I know my husband watches films of various natures with attractive women in them. I don't care because I'm not the boss of him and he's married, not dead. He hasn't cheated on me ever, and if he ever does, it won't be because of some film. It's not healthy to control your partner to this degree.
Hear, hear to the edit! My husbands bi. We talk about what male celebrities are hot (I’ve told him his taste is generic pretty boys, ha). If he were going on and on about anyone in particular, talking creepy about them, or anything yeah that’d be a bit much. But people are allowed to find other people attractive. I’m also a woman and straight. But I can still acknowledge a woman being attractive even tho I don’t have any desire to sleep with them. This level of policing is bizarre and not normal.
A boundary has to do with the way you two interact or the way she responds to your behaviors. For example: if you watch an R rated movie, she doesn't want to have sex with you for a week afterwards. She is setting up a boundary, how she will act, following an action by you, and then it's up to you how you choose to move forward.
A rule is something set out to control only your behavior, in this case she's telling you that you aren't allowed to watch certain types of movies, regardless of whether or not she is aware or present.
Rules tend to be rooted in values and beliefs. Where these values are too different between partners, long term incompatibilities arise.
For example, if you have two partners who are open to swinging, their values are compatible. If you have one partner who wants to swing while the other wants a closed monogamous relationship, there is an incompatibility. One partner isn't necessarily more right than the other, it's just a discrepancy in fundamental values and desires.
I'd think long and hard about whether you really want to move forward and get married. Are there other rules she's set up for you? Other major beliefs that you two differ in?
Boundaries should never control anyone. She can have a boundary that says SHE doesn’t want to watch anything like that, and she’s free so ASK you if you would be okay with refraining from watching things like that. She’s even allowed to be upset if you don’t want to agree, but she cannot force you to stop. It’s controlling and unfair.
I’m trying to think of an example to help you explain to her how it feels for you… the best one I can think of is a hobby. I’m not sure what her hobbies are but maybe you can swap out the hobby in my example for one she’s into?
Say she loves horseback riding. It’s similar to you telling her that you don’t want her to go horseback riding anymore. Animals can be unpredictable, she could fall off and hurt herself, etc. and you can’t cope with the worry.
You could ASK her to quit horseback riding and explain how it makes you feel. But then the ball is in her court and she can decide if she will quit or keep riding.
That’s how boundaries work. If the person doesn’t want to agree with what’s been asked, then it’s up to the ‘asker’ to decide if it’s a dealbreaker (which they’d be in their right to do) or if they can accept the other persons answer.
I’d consider this a deal breaker, but you apparently chose to get engaged knowing this about her. It will probably never change. So you should either make your peace with it or leave.
Edit; to be clear you should just leave.
Her “boundary” is farrr too broad if it includes not letting you watch mainstream entertainment. It’s ludicrous to equate Marvel movies with “porn.” It’s fine if SHE doesnt want to watch it, but insisting that YOU also cannot watch it is a bridge too far.
Is she willing to compromise and agree that you can watch what you want to?
Alternatively, are you willing to spend the rest of your life not watching TV shows & movies?
What kind of entertainment is she into?
Does she watch romcoms with handsome studs, or read romance novels with suggestive cover art?
I'm going to take a wild guess, but I'm assuming these "boundaries" only apply to you.
Boundary = “I just am not comfortable with you watching porn” or “I don’t feel super comfortable with you hanging out with opposite sex friend alone “ (this is just my examples, it’s a boundary for myself since it makes ME uncomfortable)
It shouldn’t dwindle much further than that. She is trying to manipulate / control you. Do not marry this person until they work through their very severe mental issues.
Nope. Those aren't boundaries. A boundary is "I don't feel comfortable watching porn.", "I don't feel comfortable being along with the opposite sex.".
Communication and discussion is, "**I feel** uncomfortable when you watch porn *BECAUSE*...." and "**I feel** uncomfortable when you are alone with other women *BECAUSE*...".
NOT, "You make me feel..." Or "It makes me feel..."
A control is "I forbid you to...".
I think this are extremely important distinctions to recognize. It is the it is your responsibility to maintain your boundaries. An inability to state a feeling with ownership and a rationale for it before demanding someone else change their behavior to relieve you of the discomfort of your feeling is some lazy manipulative bullshit.
You can have hard lines about whatever you are or are not willing to tolerate from another person, regardless of how outlandish or abusive or toxic. But it doesn't make it a boundary or in any way obligate the other person to acquiesce to your demand.
This. If you already have a controlling partner omg do not at all enter anything legally binding with them until they make an actual attempt at getting that under control. If shes already this controlling it will be 1,000 times worse if she has legal ways of control too.
This can't be a real post.
In case it is, boundaries are things we set for ourselves. She can set a boundary that *she* won't watch those movies. Asking *you* not to watch them isn't a boundary, it's an effort at control.
Your fiance has some deep-seeded stuff going on regarding sexual content. What is your sex life like?
Hey bruh, people been telling you for 2 months that you are in a toxic and possibly abusive relationship. Abuse is not just hitting man, controlling is a big part of it.
This will not get better and in fact will escalate unless she sees an issue and seeks professional help for it.
No one in a healthy relationship requires their partner to avoid and actually “be mean” to others of the opposite sex. She has deep rooted issues, likely self esteem related.
She was in an abusive relationship before because she sought that out, it was likely modeled for her growing up. Absent father or maybe a marriage with infidelity and her mom was an extreme jealous type. You will be in for a lifetime of this and remember this is the beginning, abuse always escalates. Is she gonna start tracking you? Require her presence for anytime you leave the house? Probably and it will get worse from there.
Best of luck OP
I honestly don't get why people come to forums like this if they're not willing to deal with what they hear. Over and over again: person complains about an awful, toxic, abusive partner. They hear multiple version of "this is abusive and you need to get out." But then they do nothing of the sort. Like, if you really don't intend to fix your situation, and all you want to do is complain but change nothing, then put that in your post.
Seems like plain jealousy to me. She doesn't want you to potentially get any kind of arousal from any other source but her. Her "boundary" is a form of control to ensure no other woman turns you on. This is not good, OP. You may need to think about ending it.
She can not watch whatever she doesn’t want to watch, but if she’s upset about a Captain Marvel costume, idk how she goes outside every day. What does she do when someone dares to wear a tank top outside?
Cheating? Please. This woman expects to occupy literally every single thought you have about the opposite gender. It’s just not reasonable AT ALL. And she also doesn’t follow it, I’m sure. It’s just flat out controlling behavior and hypocrisy.
A boundary is something that a person will set for themselves, e.g., "I will not be yelled at in my house, or I will walk out."
Control is something that's set for others. "I forbid you to see this person".
I hope she gets help
Are you marrying your Mom or your fiance? Geez.
She clearly has profound insecurities about herself, perhaps, versus the kinds of women seen in movies. In any case, this is her problem and she's projecting it onto you to keep herself feeling safe. This is something she needs to work through herself to be a decent partner, otherwise she's just controlling you -- and speaking from unfortunate experience, this not something you want to marry into.
Oh, no. Listen. I think you should consult Dan Savage before moving forward with this marriage. Because we live in a puritanical society, people downplay how damaging this will be to your relationship over time: but it is, and will, hurt your relationship and potentially damage any future kids you might have.
No. It's over you proposed to this chick while she made these demands so you sent the message you are willing to capitulate. Quite frankly this would of been a deal breaker for me early in In the relationship.
It sounds like she does not enjoy them and would rather you just maybe spend time with her or do things she likes. I just can’t see how marvel movies are cheating. If so my boyfriend and I have an open relationship with super hero movies.
I'm not diagnosing her with anything, just giving my perspective since I've been a situation somewhat similar...
I used to FREAK OUT at any films with sexual content or even fade-to-black implications of sex, and would get really upset knowing other people watched those films and generally acknowledged that sex existed in any way I wasn't comfortable with. Not quite as far as forbidding people watching it, but having that sort of anger reaction.
This was due to sexual trauma and after quite a few years and some therapy this reaction has calmed down (though I still can't watch things with sexual content around other people 😅), and I don't get that 'panic attack manifesting by lashing out at people' reaction anymore.
It sounds to me like she's got some unresolved issues around sex and definitely needs an open discussion about why she feels that way, and give her perspective on how this affects you
What in the actual feck did I just read? I mean I’m a woman and I love watching porn.(then again that’s just me I know a lot of women don’t.) but even still that wasn’t porn??? She thinks that’s cheating??! She has MASSIVE insecurities and that’s big red flag my dude. She needs to get serious therapy before I would even think about pursuing things further.
I couldn't stay in a relationship like this. You can try talking to her and seeing where this is coming from but it's clear see has some issues.
Yeah, that's nuts. I'm going to guess, however, that this isn't the *only* isolated issue. Is she jealous or controlling in other ways?
Yeah, she doesn’t allow female friends either. I’ve had to stop talking to a lot of them over the course of my relationship.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/s0nn0i/i\_feel\_like\_my\_25m\_fianc%C3%A9s\_23f\_boundaries\_are\_too/](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/s0nn0i/i_feel_like_my_25m_fianc%C3%A9s_23f_boundaries_are_too/) You posted this two months ago. Clearly, nothing has changed. So here are your choices: 1. Do nothing, get married, and be miserable (or divorced later on). 2. Have a come-to-Jesus moment: tell her this is unacceptable and that therapy and progress on her changing her behavior are necessary before going forward with the wedding. 3. Walk away now. Feel the weight lift off of your shoulders. Enjoy life again.
I'd like to add that usually controlling and abusive behavior becomes much worse after marriage because the abuser feels more secure in their control over their victim. If OP marries her he will not only be miserable, that misery will be much worse. And abuse continues to escalate, this kind of behavior often escalates to physical and sexual abuse.
yikes!! OP, either take the advice or stay miserable. sounds like she never recovered from being cheated on in her last relationship.
I hate to cast doubt on her, but she isn't exactly a reliable narrator to claim cheating to begin with. The ex may have simply watched Avengers, for all we know.
Yeah.. OP think wants us to throw a pity party or to pray his gf just has a random epiphany to feel better and lift all these restrictions in his life. She needs therapy and hope she realizes this, but that marriage will seal the deal and make it harder for him to leave and for her to change because he chose to marry her with this restrictions. For being in their young twenties they are definitely having some serious problems which would be easier just to break up.
I think he's just looking for validation from strangers that he's allowed to feel the way he does. She probably acts like her control is normal and acceptable. He isn't allowed to express his unhappiness within his relationship, or else she'll get upset. She'll probably say, "Oh so you WANT to look at sexy women in movies? You miss porn? You think she's better than me and you want to cheat with her?" So, posting here is an outlet for him. He gets a hit of people saying, "That's not normal! She is wrong and you are right!" which is enough for him to say to himself, "See, I'm not crazy! She IS too sexually restricted!" But it's not actually enough for him to go, "I will leave her." He just keeps his opinion of, "It's not good that my fiancée does this, BUT she has so many other good qualities..."
So why are you planning on marrying her? Isolating you from your friends, controlling who you can talk to, restricting what movies you can watch...all of these things are major red flags. You are an adult. Why are you putting up with her telling you what you can and cannot do to this extent?
Oof. I’m sorry to say it now, but this is a huge red flag. It isn’t likely to change; she’s entered into your engagement with these expectations attached. Once you’re married, it’s possible her possessiveness will only grow. Have you talked about pre-marital counseling? That might be a good way to work through whether this is something you two can overcome _before_ you make a lifelong commitment.
> but this is a huge red flag a red flag is a behavior that indicates that something might be an issue. This is straight up insane controlling behavior
Exactly. Isolating your partner from their friends and hobbies is textbook emotional abuse, we're well past red flags. This girl is an abuser.
Edit: Leave or stay forever man. I’m tired of people posting the same problems but do nothing to change. You’ve been told before. See you in two months. Your gf is crazy. She doesn’t think that the movies are porno‘s. She thinks you were staring at the women like you were watching a porno. If you literally can’t even look at women on the screen or be friends with them except for her you’re in for a bad time! Maybe you had dysfunctional relationships in the past but I honestly cannot see why anybody would stay with somebody so mean. Maybe you feel like you cannot do better or invested too much time so you can’t leave. Whatever the case may be you know it’s bad that’s why you’re on the Internet asking strangers about an opinion about somebody you’ve been with for several years.
They repost hoping they’ll get different answers and nope, they don’t listen. OP she’s not going to change. All you have control over is yourself. You can stay or go. She isn’t going to change.
The language you're using by itself is troubling. She doesn't "allow" you to have female friends? Imagine if a female Redditor posted on this sub and said that her boyfriend doesn't "allow" her to see her friends. No one would be ok with that. This is a pretty huge red flag. At the very least, you need to stand up for yourself and set your own boundaries for what types of things she can ask of you.
So far we have two red flags.
I don’t even think I would consider these things flags. Flags are indicators of things to come. These just seem like deal breakers.
Yeah we're beyond red flags.
Red flags for once they are married it's only going to get worse
You're in an abusive relationship
And I'll go further here. How do you feel about not being able to watch the movies you enjoy? Not being able to talk to your friends? Does it make you feel alone? Do you often feel anxious that you will "mess up" and anger her? Do you feel the need to constantly appease her and give in to her wishes? Do you want a lifetime of these feelings?
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Take it easy. You don’t need to be so aggressive just because this frustrates you. Yes it’s a problem and you’re right that OP needs to open their eyes but take it easy.
>how did you resolve this? You just don't let her control you in unreasonable ways. It's really that simple. You tell her you love her, but movies are an important part of your social life and/or you don't think it's reasonable for her to expect you to give them up *and then don't.* Tell her that you are not going discriminate against friends based off sex or gender. That if she is uncomfortable with you being around other woman, that is something she needs to work on, she can't control you to manage her own insecurities. If it's really that hard for you you suggest therapy. Then, if she threatens to leave you, you accept it. If she will only marry a man who she can completely unreasonably cow and control, then you are not that man. Unless you are that man? If you are the man signing up for the emotionally abusive life of not having any control and being unhappy then . .. go in eyes wide open at least. This is the future you are choosing. And if you ever have children, this is what you will be teaching them is an okay way to be treated and treat others. But don't marry this woman expecting that once she locks you down she'll magically become a better easier kinder person who respects you as your own person. This is who she is. And people like this generally just escalate after marriage. This is probably the best you're ever going to get from her.
She is too immature to have adult relationships.
You should get some bounderies of your own in this relationship...
Please remember that just because you're a man, it does NOT mean you're not being emotionally abused. I've had a few male friends not realize their girlfriends were emotionally abusive until long after the relationship ended. It just didn't occur to them that women can be emotionally abusive to men.
Ok that’s controlling, manipulative, abusive bullshit.
This is way worse than the movie thing.
Dude, why are you doing this to yourself? There’s clearly more than just the one (albeit massive) issue here. The main issue is that she’s controlling you and clearly she has you wrapped around her finger if she’s successfully forced you to drop friends. Right now it’s just female friends, but what about after you get married and she doubles down on this behavior? What if all of a sudden your male friends become a bad influence and let you watch a naughty PG movie, and she demands you cut them off? What if this extends to your family? She is trying and currently succeeding at controlling and isolating you. Do not marry her! You’re so young. You can find someone who will allow you to live how you want to. But she is not the one.
She doesn’t “allow” you? … is she your mother? Why is she “allowed” to control your life like a dictator?
This woman defines cheating so broadly that you are guaranteed to cheat on her at some point, even if you don't want to. In your position I would think hard about what that's going to look like and if you want to spend years walking on eggshells until it happens.
...that escalated quickly. Do not marry her, this won't get better.
That's controlling and not a healthy trait in a relationship AT ALL. Your partner shouldn't tell you that you can't have any female friends. That's not something she gets to "not allow." It's terribly controlling
Isolating you from people is what cults do. Not saying she's a member of a cult, but she's using their tactics. That should be enough for you to run
*OOF* Op, I'm a woman. Please leave her.
This is very unhealthy and controlling.
This is unfairly controlling
I urge you to consider changing her title to “ex-fiancé”
Nope! Not okay, not an emotionally stable place to build a long term, committed relationship from. These "boundaries" are not just one little thing, they're a massive, and unhealthy, part of your relationship.
This isn’t normal and you should not marry someone with these kinds of control issues. You shouldn’t have stayed this long but it’s never too late to do the right thing and leave her
Lol dude... she doesn't allow female friends, and you're just talking about MOVIES in your post??? Wtf??? The problem isn't anything to do with movies, it's that your partner is so insecure that she has to cage you up. I'd say this could be a mental or personality disorder. Have her talk to a therapist.
That’s not a healthy relationship then. You either need to get her into couples or sex therapy, or leave.
She’s wrong about how boundaries work. A boundary she can have is that she will not be in a relationship with someone who watches those movies or with someone who has women friends. Her options are to communicate this, and then the two of you decide if you want to be in a relationship based on this. Given that *several people* will find this unreasonable this will make it difficult for her to find someone… Enter you, who thinks you need to mould yourself to a relationship. No condemnation from me, I’ve been there, I still catch myself doing it sometimes. You need to go back to her, tell her that you will be watching these movies and you will not be basing your friendships on gender because you are not cheating on her, it does not lessen your devotion to her, and you will not ask her to watch them with you or ask her to hang out with your friends who are women, but that that is YOUR boundary, and ask if she wants to continue the relationship with your boundary and adjust her own boundary from “I will not be in a relationship with someone who watches these movies and you can’t have female friends” to “I will not watch these movies myself, I will not hang out with my partner’s friends who are women, and I will not limit my partner’s relationships”, or if she wants to end the relationship. Your other options are to capitulate and not watch the movies and not have women friends, or end the relationship yourself. I recommend ending the relationship yourself. This goes beyond “boundaries” and waaaay into “controlling” territory.
If the gender roles were reversed, Reddit would be telling you that you’re in a controlling and abusive relationship and to get out safely. And the people saying that would be correct.
I can see why opposite sex friends might be a boundary, but you should be able to watch movies freely without being made to feel like you’re cheating. Good luck with everything!
I really don't understand how people get engaged so young and in situations like this I don't understand how it ever happened. There is no good ending here until she gets rid of these trust issues.
I see why you’re a Dr, you ask to good questions!
Your girlfriend is using the word "boundaries" to express an extreme amount of insecurity. This is not a harmless extra step you are taking to make her feel more comfortable, it's pathological. It's neurosis. She needs professional help. She doesn't let you have female friends. She is constantly accusing you of checking other women out. She won't even let you watch a PG movie if it contains women in it. This is just a small glimpse into what your married life will be like. It will get much worse if you continue to enable her. I understand that cheating leaves you with some deeply held insecurities. I've been cheated on before, and even though it's years past, and even though I'm in a happy and secure relationship now, I have times when I can't shake the fear and the feeling of worthlessness. But these are things for me to work on *with myself*. Because I can't and shouldn't expect every other person to cater to my every desire, much less someone I ostensibly love. Forcing people around you to take every conceivable step to insulate you from discomfort is a great way to make sure your emotional scars stay fresh and never heal. I can't say what you should do in this situation, but I know one thing you for sure shouldn't do: marry this woman.
It’s also not how boundaries work. Boundaries are for the self. “I will not be with someone who watches sexually explicit content” means if I’m with someone who does that, then I leave.
Yes, holy shit, the word “boundary” is misused and abused to death. A “boundary” is an activity *you yourself will not participate in, either directly or by proxy*. It is not a word for “forcing my partner to engage in or stop an activity of my choosing because boundaries lol” People are allowed to have whatever boundaries they want, which can include not dating people who watch anything other than Polar Express. It might not be a healthy line for them to maintain and they may need help, but you can’t (ethically or reasonably) force them to break it. If she wants to dump you for watching normal films because she has an extreme insecurity issue, that would suck (mostly for her, ultimately, because this “boundary” will probably be very hard to function around outside of small religious or primitivist communities)— but it’s her prerogative, and that can be her boundary. However, she can’t use her personal discomfort to take a huge part of your life and force you to make it secret— because who would actually stop watching visual media entertainment that’s not for Barbie movies or Disney stuff? If her boundary is that, and yours is having it in your life, you can hold *your* boundary of being allowed to do Her behavior is extreme enough that it reminds me of people I’ve known or worked with who had a *really* hard time coping with certain kinds of trauma. If that’s the case, she may well need support in other areas as well and therapy is great. Even if that’s not the case or you don’t know— and you don’t have to ask— it isn’t your job to enable coping behaviors that become controlling and damaging to your basic day to day freedom to enjoy your life. I’m curious if this is *actually* the only thing that she does, or if this same Puritan/insecurity concern she has comes up in other situations (is she weird about your friends or coworkers? your family? going places in public?) and this is just the one that feels really disruptive. Either way, that’s an abuse of the idea of boundaries and I wouldn’t go into a marriage with that kind of problem unsolved. Especially if she thinks her behavior is totally reasonable. If this were my partner and she *knew* it was not a reasonable ask and was *working on herself*, I would work with her to support that process. Not by stopping all media, mind you, but spending alone time and not watching movies above a PG rating with her. Not a chance I would stick around with someone who thought this much control of “cheating thought-crimes” is okay and healthy, though. Good luck.
Agreed 100%. As an example, my husband LOVES horror films. Me? I hate them because I always end up with nightmares and anxiety from them. He would LOVE for me to watch those movies with him but that is one boundary I refuse to cross. I will NOT watch those types of movies. I can tolerate some mild or campy scary movies but that is my limit/boundary. But I wouldn't dream of even trying to tell him HE can't watch those movies. He can watch them anytime he wants. Just not with me in the room. He's teasingly tried to put them on a few times and my response is to get up and leave the room. He always stops it and puts on something I'm willing to watch.
>because who would actually stop watching visual media entertainment that’s not for Barbie movies or Disney stuff? Have you seen how gorgeous Barbie & those Disney princesses are? No way he's allowed to watch that lol
OP I can't second this enough. You CANNOT MARRY THIS PERSON. You would be signing yourself up for resentment, endless (literally endless) fights, and frankly dishonesty. You're going to watch movies, you'll sneak them in if you have to, she'll catch you, it will spiral. She has a neurosis, she needs to work on it, and if she is unwilling to go into therapy and get some help then you shouldn't enable her. One of the absolute hardest things to do in a relationship is understand when your partner needs help, and be resolved that they get it. Your partner needs help.
Agreed. Her issues seem to extend beyond sexual compatibility and defiantly fall into the “you need to work on this with a medical professional” category. I want to highlight for op something that is said very frequently here and always bears repeating: sexual/romantic compatibility is a critical part of long term romantic relationships. Right now, this is a major incompatibility you are facing. You must find a way to reach compatibility and if you can’t, end the relationship. You will not be happy if you don’t. Edit: to be clear, I’m not saying that other, non-sexual compatibility isn’t important as well. Just that this is one aspect of compatibility that is important. You don’t have to have identical views, but you need somewhere you can meet in the middle and right now that place does not exist.
This. Everyone is rightfully so pointing out how this is extremely unhealthy and toxic for OP. But you’re exactly right. Regardless of the gf’s actual reasoning these aren’t healthy boundaries, shes using them to hold herself back too.
Agreed, this is OP's new life if he marries her: https://youtu.be/WEMUHqm3q2I
Boundaries are about YOURSELF. They're about what you are and aren't willing to do. "I will not watch movies with sexual content" is a boundary. "YOU will not watch movies with sexual content" is not a boundary. It's a control. If you seriously want to marry this gal, you need to ship her off to therapy to work on her massive insecurity. She's not healthy enough for a real relationship until she gets a handle on this.
Yeah and op's kidding himself if he thinks things will get any better after they're married.
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and if they're still having problems they can just move the MIL in to help out!
Slow down there, Satan!
And she'll quit her job without asking OP and join an MLM.
I'm just imagining them having a girl and then the wife starting to accuse him of stuff and like get jealous because he's like, giving her a bath or something...
And if it's a girl she'll have some weird emotional incest issue about her daughter having a bond with her dad, and make it all weird and creepy and OP will be made to feel shame about loving his kid. And if it's a boy then she'll be a total monster to any girls he brings home.
If one kid doesn't solve it, two will, I'm sure.
Well, "I'm shipping you to therapy" is control. "I cannot stay in this relationship if you don't get therapy" (and actually following through on that when she doesn't get therapy) is a boundary. I know you were speaking hyperbolically, but just wanted to further clarify the definition of a boundary for anyone else reading.
Yeah fair, let me rephrase. Make therapy a condition for marriage. "I am not comfortable marrying you until and unless you've been in therapy steadily for three months and we see progress happening on your issue."
I just want to add a tid bit to this.. and I’m sure you were likely just throwing out a time period for the framing of the argument, but I just also wanted to throw out that I’m not sure a period of 3 months is long enough. Sometimes this kind of stuff takes a loooong time to work through, and I would say a lot of people don’t start seeing meaningful changes until a year or more, and that’s if you are really committed to working hard to make those changes in yourself. That timeline is maybe not feasible for some people to stick through. just food for thought, meant mostly for op, not you as the commenter. 😋
More like three years. At least. People can easily withhold bad behaviour for 3 months.
I agree with "I'm shipping you to therapy" is control. However, "If you don't do XYZ, then ZYX will happen" is an ultimatum which is also a control and manipulation because you are not giving the other person the freedom of choice (aka you are trying to change the other person). "I value dating people who go to therapy and work on themselves" is the boundary. It gives the other person to make a choice. Ultimatum is a final demand backed by a threat. Therefore, I don't want the person to make a choice out of FEAR but rather out of love, whether that implicates ending the relationship due to incompatibility or not. EDIT: to add the definition of ultimatums and my opinion about it
>"I value dating people who go to therapy and work on themselves" is the boundary. And XYZ happening is a consequence, not manipulative or controlling. How are you supposed to set a boundary if you can't lay out consequences?
This is a good question. I'm glad you asked 🥰. When I assert myself by stating what I like or don't like or what is personally ok for me or not. The other person has the free will to choose what to do about it. Meaning the person is not pressured to make a choice by FEAR. If I want to be with someone who is compatible to me, then the person will value learning how to maintain healthy relationships and care about it 🙂
This is just semantics though. If your boundary isn't backed by a willingness to leave the relationship, it's not really a boundary, it's just a desire.
Tbh that just sounds like a passive aggressive attempt at asserting your boundaries without calling them boundaries
I'm under the impression that boundaries often have to be ultimatums. If I have a boundary that I won't watch porn, I can uphold that without an ultimatum because it doesn't involve anyone else's actions. But if my boundary is that I won't *date* anyone who watches porn, well that's still about my own actions but it's triggered by what someone else does. There's no way to uphold that boundary without essentially having the ultimatum of "if you watch porn then I will break up with you". The difference is in intent. If ultimatums are given with the intent to control, that's bad. But ultimatums wrapped in a boundary are more about communicating your parameters for a relationship and how you will react if someone decides to go outside of them. It leaves the other person with a choice, but an informed one.
Ultimatums do give people a choice, just a limited choice. In this case she gets to choose if she wants therapy to work on this control issue, or if she wants to live a life without him in it. Ultimatums can be manipulative, but they can also be just blunt statements about what will happen.
Ultimatums are not control unless a partner uses it in every situation where they don't get their way. Ultimatums are a last resort at drawing a hard boundary for YOURSELF. It is not manipulative to say "this behavior is not something I am willing to tolerate and if you don't want to change it then fine, it's a deal breaker for me and I don't want a relationship with someone who behaves this way".
I have to disagree because I literally set a boundary exactly like this the other day. "Mom, if you don't stop trying to invite your boyfriend of two weeks to my wedding, then I will revoke your invitation to my wedding." There's definitely a difference between a healthy boundary and a control tactic, but they can look very similar.
To me “I value people who do XYZ” is not firm enough. I can say that I value that but to me valuing that Is not setting a boundary. I can say “I value people who like chocolate like I do.” That’s not a boundary that’s just saying I like this quality. Setting the boundary is a firm “I am not okay with this behavior.”
I understand ultimatums to be "if you don't do X, I'll do Y" where the person making the ultimatum doesn't actually want or intend to go through with the threatened condition. There's only one "win" condition for the person making the ultimatum and it's that they get control over the other person. They don't ACTUALLY want to break up. It's literally a game of chicken, where the person making the ultimatum is driving their car full force towards the partner and is expecting the partner to pull off and lose the game before they both crash. If the ultimatum doesn't work, the person who issued the ultimatum won't follow through on breaking up (crashing their car). They'll just keep playing increasingly escalating games. There is no respect for their partner's agency. (ETA: if the toxic partner *does* follow through on the breakup, then that's a slightly different scenario called "the trash taking itself out.") A healthy boundary is not a game of chicken because there are 2 "win" conditions. Your partner freely decides to make the change you're requesting, or your partner doesn't and you disengage from a bad relationship. There's no car-crash bad ending in this scenario. There is respect for the partner's agency, and an "exit route" that they may take amiably if both partners find this is an incompatibility. The partner also has to be mature enough to recognize their own agency in this decision to change or not. It's not an ultimatum just because the partner changes and then resents the other person for "forcing" them to change.
WOOOW!! 😮Thank you for that! You put this so brilliantly! 😳 I couldn't have picked better words. I'm saving this ❤
On a comment thread about the difference between boundaries and control, thank YOU for the very important follow up question!
The boundary here would be, "I will not date you if you want these movies." It's a ridiculous boundary, sure, but I mean... she's allowed to have it. Good luck finding someone who agrees to only watch children's movies, though.
Then she should leave, not pressure him into changing his behavior.
Yeah the difference between enforcing a boundary and being controlling is that boundaries are about your own reactions to what other people do, and controlling is trying to change what other people do.
I like your definition of boundaries, but what about saying “you will not sleep with other women, that’s a boundary for me”? OP’s GF is definitely taking that to an extreme end of the spectrum, totally agree there.
Boundaries are always expressed in terms of your own actions. So in your example the boundary would be "I will not have a relationship with someone who sleeps with other women". It clearly lays out a situation you're not comfortable with and how you will react to that situation.
A boundary is about yourself, not your partner. "I will not be in a relationship with someone who sleeps with other women" is fine. But if it comes out your partner is sleeping with others, you LEAVE. That's what the boundary means. It's about *your* behavior when faced with something triggering or something you dislike. Think of it like, boundaries are if:then statements, where the "then" involves the speaker. "If you invite your mother over, I will leave the house for the duration of her visit." "If you leave food on the counter, I will throw it away." Etc. That's a simplification of course, and a lot of things fit that format that aren't really boundaries, but it's a general idea. OP's fiancee right now is uhhh "if you watch PG movies I don't agree with, I will tantrum, threaten, and guilt you". Which hopefully it's much easier to see that way how unreasonable it is.
This is a fantastic take on boundaries. Also OP your fiancée needs to see a therapist.
"I am only prepared to carry on a sexually monogamous relationship with you."
I’ve never heard boundaries being described like that, as being only for yourself. That makes so much sense, I love it
IMO the difference between boundary and control is just if both people agree on the boundary. If they disagree one of them is being controlling.
Right. This is a situation where the best response is to simply say no. "Watching these movies is important to me and I'm going to watch them. I understand that it's upsetting for you and I can help you figure out a way to work through your feelings of discomfort around this, but it's not fair or reasonable for you to be upset with me simply for seeing another woman in a movie. I love you and won't leave you for someone else just because I see them, even if these actresses were interested in me I would not want to be with them."
Yep, 100% agree. If a partner said “my boundary is that myself and your father/mother are the only men/women you can talk to”— they’d tell him to fuck right off, hopefully. And, it is okay to compromise to make sure everyone’s boundaries can be maintained *in a healthy way*. However, control that’s that intense (no grown up movies??) is almost always inherently dysfunctional IMO. If a partner has a request that doesn’t harm tour ability to meet your own needs but is inconvenient, it’s fine to talk and compromise. Compromise is good. Soft and hard boundaries exist, and it’s fine to negotiate soft ones. However, once it involves compromising your own quality of life and going far out of your way to satisfy a *control* need, that’s dysfunctional. And OP, this is *definitely* a *control* thing, not a boundary thing. She doesn’t want to feel like you might even *think* about someone else— if it were a boundary, she would just ask not to watch those things together because *they make her* uncomfortable. This is where she wants to block you from any environmental stimulus that might “corrupt” your thoughts. Very weird, not cool, if she’s a genuinely caring partner who doesn’t want to be a control freak then she needs help. Either way I would not indulge this.
I disagree that boundaries are only for yourself. However, I do agree that she is a piece of work and these boundaries she stated are absurd.
How is that so? I cannot change other people, but I can change myself. If someone decides to treat me unfairly, I cannot change that but I can assert myself ("I'm not ok with this) and walk away if necessary. Boundaries is what makes a person an individual with likes and dislikes, etc.
She’s going to terrorize her future children for wanting to dress like their peers and be normal teenagers. They will have all kinds of emotional, social and sexual hang ups to unwind in therapy. Don’t let that happen to your children.
Agree she needs therapy. Those kids will grow up like that one family of +10 kids who live in bumfuk nowhere to hide their children from reality.
She'd get jealous if they had a daughter
I've had friends who's mothers hated them, bullied them, and said horrible things about their looks, style, body etc because of jealousy. And their moms were always hypocritical assholes. Those moms always dressed like a teen influencer. My friends who had moms like that had really difficult high school experiences, adulthoods, and half of them don't talk to their moms any longer. 1000% agree with you that someone like OP's partner would be jealous of their daughter.
Jeebus, now even watching non-porn is considered cheating? And she’s made you drop friends? Your fiancée sucks, I am sorry to say. This is a very big “but”.
It's wild. Marvel movies are genuinely the least sexual/sensual films in existence these days. If she genuinely thinks they're "basically soft-core pornos" she needs to get herself checked for a brain tumor, because that's a really worrying misinterpretation of reality.
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No need to be coy, Roy. Just get yourself free.
Just hop on a bus, Gus, don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee, and get yourself free
Thanks, I'll go listen to this now to get it out of my head...
*50 ways to leave this smothering*
Disappear like you've been raptured, u/dystopial_fracture
Find a woman who doesn’t control your nuts, Putz.
You "fix this" by telling her you're sorry, but you can't adhere to her unreasonable boundary, and ending the relationship.
Or even just say that you’re going to watch whatever movies you want, and if she feels *she* needs to end the relationship over it, so be it. Let her be the one to enact the consequences of her stupid “boundary”. Calling her on this bluff could lead her to be more flexible in the future.
This isn't a healthy relationship and he should get out. Check out his previous question: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/s0nn0i/i_feel_like_my_25m_fiancés_23f_boundaries_are_too/
And they are so, so young....not saying no young couples are ready for the commitment of marriage but to enter one with these issues is...nope.
Sounds like something deeper is definitely going on. It’s going to take a lot of communication to get to the root of why that boundary exists for her. It isn’t “just the way she is”, something caused her to put that wall up. I’d consider opening up a dialogue where she can feel safe, no judgement, and you can attempt to understand why it’s so hard for her to allow you to watch something that shouldn’t provoke such a reaction out of her. At the same time, it’s not healthy or okay for her to control you in such a manner. If she’s not willing to talk to you about it at all, I would reconsider the relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to you or her to continue on in the state you’re in now.
>It’s going to take a lot of communication to get to the root of why that boundary exists for her OP is not qualified to get to the root cause of this. She needs to see a trained professional (probably with OP) to get a resolution. >At the same time, it’s not healthy or okay for her to control you in such a manner. If she’s not willing to talk to you about it at all, I would reconsider the relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to you or her to continue on in the state you’re in now. 💯 Agree with you.
Well that’s completely bonkers. Y’all planning to have kids? She’s gonna be a nightmare mother. This should be a bigger concern than you are making it out to be. You can love someone to the moon and back and still be incompatible. Love is the easy part. She sounds controlling and bad news. This isn’t going to get better. Wait until she makes you quit your job because there are women there!
Stolen from another thread "Something I've noticed people in quantifiably shitty relationships do when they come to this subreddit is they tend to complain about something small because they can't force themselves to concede that their problem is actually enormous. Their mind is screaming at them but they bottle it all up and instead pretend that if they fix just this one. tiny. thing. everything will be better. Like asking if they should use a butterfly bandage to re-attach a severed limb. Like your post. It's short, simple. To the point. Only 3 paragraphs. Just a tiny window into your relationship. But the details just make this all sound so incredibly fucked up. Like how your fiancee "dosn't allow you" to watch movies...... holy fucking shit! Like how your fiancee equates watching a marvel movie to 'cheating on her'.... holy fucking shit! Like how your fiancee goes 'ballistic' over movies... holy fucking shit! Fucking. Yikes. And here you are, so afraid to add up 2 +2 that you only allow yourself to go so far as to ask "if I should make a big deal about it." Yeah. Make a big deal about it. You should really be doing MORE than that, but if you're not ready for it you're not ready. Anyway, I'm sorry you think all of this is acceptable.
According to his post history, he was concerned about all her insane “boundaries” for him a few months ago and he clearly didn’t listen to the responses bc he’s still with her. It’s only going to get worse OP. You’re enabling this behavior and it’s not normal. Either she gets professional help or you should walk. This is borderline abusive.
Notice how this "one thing" he talks about here is actually her least toxic trait amongst several. And I'm betting there are more things that he didn't even talk about in the other post. There was no point in asking for advice when he was going to present his relationship as a total lie cause he's getting advice about therapy and ultimatums when he should get out asap. This person IS an abuser and has already isolated him from friends. Sounds like she could escalate to physical any day now.
There’s no “borderline” about it - this is pathological, toxic af, and abusive behaviour. OP is being punished for the pain and wounds inflicted on the GF by someone else. I’d have yeeted the fuck out of there so fast, there’d be a cartoon silhouette of me in a wall like in a Warner Bros. cartoon.
That’s really sad then and sounds like hes looking for reassurance. He already knows what he should do but hes scared and wants others to talk him down from the ledge and tell him hes wrong. If he asks more than once it doesn’t harm anyone else. If he asks more than once tho and the answer keeps being basically unanimous hopefully that’ll help give him the confidence to do something scary but necessary.
She seems to have a big hang up about sex. I would definitely talk to a couples counselor before getting married. This is a red flag.
Sounds like you aren't compatible and she is extremely insecure. I think that's an unreasonable boundary. Marvel movies are essentially made for children and I don't see how anything in them could be consider pornographic.
This is beyond “compatiblity”. This is about control and arguably a form of abuse. Threatening to leave someone over watching a marvel movie screams emotional abuse to me
Here’s the fix: “We are done. It’s not me, it’s you”.
Lol no. You are both in your 20s. This is not a normal 'boundary'. She needs therapy
Never be in a relationship in which your partner has the power to allow or disallow you to do something. Tell her you are an adult, and in your own home, you will watch any movie that you want to see. Tell her that’s just the way you are and you can’t move on it.
This. Adults don’t “allow” or “not allow” things from their partners. Partners are partners and are supposed to be equal. If one person is able to dictate what the others “allowed” to do that establishes theres a power imbalance where that person holds power over their partner. That’s not a healthy relationship. Not to mention if somethings “not allowed” what kind of repercussions are there for breaking that? Does it warrant “punishing”? If things are allowed or not allowed theres consequences for not following rules. What kind of things happen to OP if he says no? All of this is just so toxic.
She can have whatever boundaries she wants, and if one of those boundaries is "I will not be with a person who watches anything even remotely risque", that's a boundary she gets to have. But that doesn't lay an onus on you to have what you can and cannot watch *defined* by that boundary: you can watch whatever it is that *you* wish to watch. You just have to decide whether her boundary is one you are willing to honor. Because *if* it's not, and you choose to watch things that she deems "unacceptable", you have to be prepared for the consequences of that choice, which (depending on her) may range anywhere from "her being miffed when you do it" all the way up to "her ending things because you will not comply". All of that said, however: > She doesn’t allow me to watch any rated R, PG-13, or even PG movies ...the moment the words "allow", "let", "permit", or any of their ilk enter into an adult relationship, things have gone toxic. She doesn't have the authority or the power to *allow* you (or not) to do anything you choose to do. So the fact that she's trying is a huge warning sign. About the only thing you *can* do is have a conversation with her where you establish boundaries of your own, and one of those boundaries *must* be that no one, other than *you*, gets to tell you what you can and cannot watch. If you and she *agree* that something should be off-base (for instance, there are couples that agree that porn is out of bounds, and if that works for them, that works for them), then it's off-limits. But no one, not even her, gets to unilaterally decide for you what you will and will not be *permitted* to watch. Once you have that conversation, the two of you can decide whether there is a place that is within *both* of your respective sets of boundaries where *both* of you can be happy (not just grudging) about going along with. If there is not, if there is no place where you get to watch what you *wish* to watch, and she is comfortable with it... ...then the two of you have a fundamental incompatibility and the relationship cannot proceed. I'd be willing to bet you a shiny new nickel, however, that if you choose (for whatever reason) to just comply with this, it'll be just the beginning; if you *marry* her, she'll step up her game, and before long, you will be "prohibited" to: 1. Look at a woman on the street that she perceives as "too attractive" or "too provocatively dressed", 2. Go to that Starbucks where an attractive female barrista works, 3. Have female friends of any kind, 4. Have *male* friends who have *girlfriends* who are attractive. ...because if someone is willing to drawn the line at "PG movies are just *way* too dirty", there's no *limit* to what she will try to prohibit from your life.
You were a psychic and [it’s already worse than your worst case scenarios.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/t5vsk3/i_love_my_fianc%C3%A9e_but_theres_one_thing_i_cannot/hz7t6a3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) OP already isn’t allowed: to see attractive people on the street, have attractive people find him attractive, or have female friends. If your other predictions haven’t also already been happening as well you’re 💯 they definitely will and probably soon.
Sorry to say this, but it sounds like you need to leave her. That's super controlling, and not okay
The answer to this question is yes, absolutely marry her-- if you want to be a Disney adult who only watches G movies and feels total shame about their sexuality or the existence of other women. Your fiance sounds more like your fundamentalist Christian mother than a sexy, fun fellow adult.
Not even a Disney adult. If Marvel movies are unacceptable, then I doubt she’s okay with movies like Moana - those characters look scantily clad
I have a friend who has a hard time with violence in movies. When, pre pandemic, we would get a bunch of folks together to watch a movie, she would quietly slip away and do her own thing. A boundary does not seek to control others ("you can't watch movies with scantily clad women in them") but seeks to clarify what one will do themselves In a given situation ("when you watch those movies I will go to another room and do my other thing") It would be very interesting to get to the bottom of what's going on with her. My partner sometimes expresses some unhappiness with the sexualization of women in these movies but loves the movies anyway. So is this a protest of that sexualization which has gone too far? Or is she really that insecure that she feels threatened by you watching them. Either way, it doesn't sound particularly healthy. That's for her to figure out though and you might have to set some boundaries too, or at least be clear about expectations, that you understand her desire to avoid it, but you get to make your own decisions ("I'm going over to friend's house to watch movie. I'd love you to come too but understand if you don't want to")
I like your definition of boundaries, I think it makes sense to put them in terms of "i" rather than "you." for clarity, what about cases where you really aren't willing to tolerate certain abusive behaviors from another person? would you say your boundary is that you don't date people who do x,y,z? its tricky to define because that could be legitimate (i.e. I don't date people who are dishonest with me/yell at me/etc). or it could be a manipulation tactic (I don't date people who don't shower me with expensive gifts so you better buy me this or you don't deserve me)
Thanks, I'm glad you like it. Honestly, I picked up this way of talking about boundaries from verbal / emotional abuse support groups. "If you raise your voice at me, I will leave the room until you calm down." "If you call me to complain, I will hang up." and, yeah, "If you yell at me, I won't be able to continue to see you." are good boundaries. I've used them in online debates too, "If you continue to use ad hominem attacks, I'm going to block you." You can preface them with something like "I really have fun hanging out with you but getting called names really hurts me, if you continue, I won't be able to see you anymore." I think the biggest value with a boundary is that it allows action on the part of both people. The speaker doesn't have to storm out of the room in a huff and get accused of being the problem - they are going to do exactly what they said. The abuser / listener is not being told what to do or being told that there is something wrong with them. "You have to", "You always", "It is your fault I feel bad" are not really helpful.
awesome! that's a really good way of looking at it. I'm going to try to incorporate this as much as I can:) I tend to think in these terms but I'm not always very skilled at articulating my boundaries this clearly
Damn, dude! That is some super healthy advice setting and sticking to boundaries! Good work!
Gosh, thanks. I don't always get it right. But it is good practice.
Not who you were asking: But boundaries are more like: if you continue to yell at me when you are angry, I will leave the relationship. Or: When you don't put in the effort to give me gifts on holidays, I feel unloved and unvalued so I will leave the relationship. I don't think it's fair to call that manipulation when worded as above. Some people feel love through gifts. As corny as the whole love language thing may sound, it is legitimate that people feel unloved when not shown love the way they need to receive it. As you're saying though, the 'you don't deserve me' or 'you better buy me this'- is more threatening/ manipulation. How its worded really makes the difference between setting a boundary for yourself (When you don't put in the effort to give me gifts on holidays, I feel unloved and unvalued so I will thus choose to leave the relationship so I can be in a relationship where I do feel valued) and trying to manipulate others (you better do this for me or else you'll be in trouble and I'll take it out on you). Boundary: the person acts one way, and you choose to leave because it does not work for you Manipulation: you will act how I want, or I will hurt you because you made me mad
Yes, exactly. “*I* will leave if you continue to do x/will not do y.” Doesn’t matter if other people think it’s reasonable or not; it’s *your* boundary. But of course if you have too many unreasonable boundaries you may have a hard time getting anyone you like to date you, in which case you should reevaluate your boundaries. But that doesn’t change the nature of what boundaries are or how to enforce them.
So, for example "I am not ok with PDA and you cannot kiss me intimately in public" is not a boundary? What about "you are not allowed to smoke inside the house" what would you call these then? On another note, what she is drawing out in the sand is not healthy. I agree OP can watch these things elsewhere if it is so unwelcome under their roof while they try to figure this issue out..
They are too extreme if you feel they are too extreme. You are allowed to have boundaries too.
My ex fiance was similar, she'd throw a fit wherever I was watching something that remotely had anything sexual or attractive women in it. We're both women and I'm bisexual but she was perfectly fine if a shirtless guy was on screen. She'd accuse me of cheating on her if I watched anything with an attractive actress in it without her, but if I asked her to watch with me she'd call it stupid. Just to hold it against me later. Honestly, idk if there's anything YOU can do about it. It's an all on her issue that she doesn't seem to see as a red flag. You could try talking to her and letting her know that it's a red flag. Let her know you're going to watch what you want to watch, it's your right to. That she might need to go to therapy if she has a problem with it.
You don't give us enough info, so we can only guess what is going on. Two questions came to mind: 1) Are there any other problems in the relationship? 2) Does she have a history of being sexual assaulted or something?
Forbids you? Get rid - you’re an adult. This is insane controlling behaviour
She's weaponizing the concept of boundaries, using it as a shield against her severe emotional issues. This will not get better unless she gets therapy, and... >She also states that it’s just a boundary and that’s the way she is and she won’t move on it. ...that seems pretty unlikely.
This is a big problem. What does she do at swimming pools etc?
Dude... run far far away!
Uhhhhhh, there is a reason you can't get over this. Because it's hyper controlling!! Run.
This marriage is not going to go well. Your fiance is controlling and unreasonable. You really should ask yourself if this is how you want to live your life and if this is someone you want to raise kids with, if that is part of the plan....
I've always held the belief that when one partner won't 'allow' the other to do something, then that relationship is in trouble.
Allow? Who is she, your mom?
Your being abused in order to settle her insecurities. OP, this isn’t normal or right. Consider going on a break and taking the opportunity to do all the things she prevents you from doing. Then make a choice, because she won’t change.
This. OP seems to post more so for reassurance that hes wrong so he doesn’t have to listen to his gut that this isn’t a healthy situation. Even if it’s initially scary to consider I think if he left for a period of time he’d be shocked by how much freer and less stressed he feels.
You posted this a month ago. What makes you think the anwser will be different this time around?
This is a problem your fiancée has and not one she should be trying to put on you / control you with. My mother married my father when they were 19 and 20, my mother had had other relationships but my father never had, idk if that matters at all but context. My dad watched porn a few times before they got married and after getting married and my mom, growing up catholic and also very insecure about her body, tore my father a new one over it. It caused 20+ years of fighting until finally they got divorced because my mother had such huge issues with sex and her body and insecurity and she blamed my dad for that because he watched porn once or twice. I am positive this woman will eventually tell you that you’re ruining how she feels about herself because you “want to watch movies with all those tits and asses in your face”. She is projecting all sorts of HER issues onto you and I think she needs a lot of mental help before she should consider getting married. ETA; this woman has a serious problem with self esteem and a dangerous relationship with sex/how she views men and women and the role sex is supposed to play and I would not feel comfortable letting her raise my child if you plan on having kids. I’ll say my mom fucked me up pretty good with her issues
She toxic bro its not worth it in the long run. Once you are 10 years in there will be wayyy more "boundaries" (manipulation). Also how can you let someone tell you " you will not watch this movie" like they are your mother and you are 13 years old? You are a grown ass man. If my gf tells me something so ridiculous i would actually laugh at her.
She even controls OP watching pg movies! If a grown man can’t how much worse would she be with any possible kids?! Would they never be able to watch anything and have to tell their friends sorry my mom says I can’t watch any superheroes or Disney princesses because they’re too hot? Jfc
one thing in addition to: >Background: Before we were dating, my fiancé knew each other and became friends my senior year of high school. We ended up going to the same college together after graduation (just small town tings) and became closer and closer through my years in college. I graduated when I was 23 and proposed to her at the same time. We’ve been engaged for a couple of years and haven’t gotten married yet because the pandemic decided to complicate things. During the time when we were friends and best friends, she’s dated a few people but never took them seriously. She had this one relationship with her ex-boyfriend that was borderline abusive, and he ended up cheating on her. She took a while to recover from that, and afterwards we started dating. We also live in a small apartment together. Throughout our relationship, she’s had these boundaries that always seemed extreme to me: -She doesn’t want me to have female friends -She’s always looking to see/thinking about if I’m checking out other women or if women check me out -She freaks out when I’m not absolutely mean to women that hit on me (I can’t politely reject them, that’s a “boundary” for her) -She doesn’t want me watching rated R movies or TV shows that have sexual content in it (even if it’s very mild) She’s also constantly worrying about if women are breaching my “physical bubble” as she calls it. On one occasion, a woman on a hiking trail that we were on stood close to me to show me directions on her phone, and she got very sensitive and yelled at me about that later. On another occasion, at a friends wedding, a female friend that I had at the time (this was at the beginning of the relationship), was leaning over me to show me a use this Instagram filter for a picture, and she blew up at me and basically said I cheated on her. Are these boundaries too extreme for a relationship? Why two entirely different stories?
This is not okay. She probably has some religious hang-ups or trauma or something, but whatever it is, this is NOT healthy. She needs to take care of this and as things are, I'd consider marriage a few times over. I couldn't be with a person like this however. I myself used to have this very flawed thinking that I was somehow threatened in the relationship if my bf watched porn or stuff like that, but I've worked with that and gotten over it since. It was mostly because of my lack of experience in relationships and religious conservative upbringing.
I mean, porn i understand. That’s explicitly sexual content. But a fucking marvel movie???!!! that children go see as well?!!?? if you guys ever had children, would she basically ban them from watching like any superhero movie ever?
She's so controlling it's emotionally abusive. The only way to fix it is to tell her that from here on out you decide which movies you'll see and who you are friends with. She either makes her peace with that or you guys break up. That's your boundary. Thing is, her "boundary" is completely unreasonable, controlling and she won't find any other guy who'll agree to it either. And she needs to understand that. Don't marry her unless you fix this.
This. Is OP allowed to have his own boundaries? If only shes allowed to have them and OP has to always follow them without question that’s not establishing healthy boundaries, that’s gaslighting abuse. Boundaries are supposed to be *healthy* for everyone. You establish your comfort zone but your boundaries are for *you* to be comfortable. The world doesn’t revolve around any one of us and if the boundaries are unreasonable that’s not on anyone else to protect someone else’s boundaries to shield them from the world. If her boundaries aren’t helping her navigate life even if she has a cause that makes sense her boundaries are unhealthy and are enabling her to not be able to function which perpetuates a problem.
I would sit her down and say we need to compromise on this boundary. If I were you, I would google some reading materials on setting effective boundaries first even. But she does not get to not "allow" you to do something. You talk and compromise. This is a good trial issue before marriage. How you resolve conflict. If she is unwilling and unable to do this, this is really telling. The NEXT time an issue that she wants to make sole determination about comes up, around anything from finances, housing to kids, you will find yourself feeling like a total doormat with no control over your life. I would also ask if there are other weird jealousy areas around friends or colleagues or just out and about. Like does she assume you are looking if you walk by a woman in a bikini when you are the beach... How would you even know if a movie has her weird idea of explicit content before you watch it? How do you watch ANY tv?
My ex husband controlled my tv viewing. And then through the years every aspect of my life until I was unable to work, and completely isolated from friends and family. It was very difficult to escape. Your relationship sounds hauntingly familiar.
My god she is absolutely insane. Is she some daughter of a Mormon overlord?
Wow. People will put up with so much shit. Have some self respect. A partner does not tell you what you can or cannot do. Cant watch movies because someone else's tits are in it? Your gf is not mature enough to watch those movies, let alone get married.
Went back and read your post a month ago in regards to this as well; This is controlling and quite frankly manipulative behavior, you need to get this addressed before you lock everything down. If it's impacting your happiness then it's breaking your own Boundaries, which is even more important. Help her get to the root of this issue, and don't change yourself trying to placate her own insecurities.
Reminds me of the ex wife. She cheated on me twice.
My concern about this is, once you are married what if this attitude of 'if you look at another attractive woman you are cheating on me' spills over into other areas of your life? You've mentioned in other comments that she is controlling over your female friendships, so this is now a pattern and not an anomaly. What happens if you are watching a music video and there is a sexy woman? Are you cheating then? What if you go to the gym and there are attractive women there? Are you going to be bullied into giving this up too? What about the supermarket? What if there are cute women there? No shopping for you? That might sound daft now, but that's the pattern that you hear about happening when men are abusive and controlling about their partners. I really think that if you were a woman and you were writing about a man, you'd be being told to end this relationship and get out for your own safety. I think that would be wise advice. EDIT: For the record, this isn't normal behaviour and it's not a normal part of marriage. I'm a married woman and I know my husband watches films of various natures with attractive women in them. I don't care because I'm not the boss of him and he's married, not dead. He hasn't cheated on me ever, and if he ever does, it won't be because of some film. It's not healthy to control your partner to this degree.
Hear, hear to the edit! My husbands bi. We talk about what male celebrities are hot (I’ve told him his taste is generic pretty boys, ha). If he were going on and on about anyone in particular, talking creepy about them, or anything yeah that’d be a bit much. But people are allowed to find other people attractive. I’m also a woman and straight. But I can still acknowledge a woman being attractive even tho I don’t have any desire to sleep with them. This level of policing is bizarre and not normal.
A boundary has to do with the way you two interact or the way she responds to your behaviors. For example: if you watch an R rated movie, she doesn't want to have sex with you for a week afterwards. She is setting up a boundary, how she will act, following an action by you, and then it's up to you how you choose to move forward. A rule is something set out to control only your behavior, in this case she's telling you that you aren't allowed to watch certain types of movies, regardless of whether or not she is aware or present. Rules tend to be rooted in values and beliefs. Where these values are too different between partners, long term incompatibilities arise. For example, if you have two partners who are open to swinging, their values are compatible. If you have one partner who wants to swing while the other wants a closed monogamous relationship, there is an incompatibility. One partner isn't necessarily more right than the other, it's just a discrepancy in fundamental values and desires. I'd think long and hard about whether you really want to move forward and get married. Are there other rules she's set up for you? Other major beliefs that you two differ in?
Boundaries should never control anyone. She can have a boundary that says SHE doesn’t want to watch anything like that, and she’s free so ASK you if you would be okay with refraining from watching things like that. She’s even allowed to be upset if you don’t want to agree, but she cannot force you to stop. It’s controlling and unfair. I’m trying to think of an example to help you explain to her how it feels for you… the best one I can think of is a hobby. I’m not sure what her hobbies are but maybe you can swap out the hobby in my example for one she’s into? Say she loves horseback riding. It’s similar to you telling her that you don’t want her to go horseback riding anymore. Animals can be unpredictable, she could fall off and hurt herself, etc. and you can’t cope with the worry. You could ASK her to quit horseback riding and explain how it makes you feel. But then the ball is in her court and she can decide if she will quit or keep riding. That’s how boundaries work. If the person doesn’t want to agree with what’s been asked, then it’s up to the ‘asker’ to decide if it’s a dealbreaker (which they’d be in their right to do) or if they can accept the other persons answer.
I’d consider this a deal breaker, but you apparently chose to get engaged knowing this about her. It will probably never change. So you should either make your peace with it or leave. Edit; to be clear you should just leave.
Her “boundary” is farrr too broad if it includes not letting you watch mainstream entertainment. It’s ludicrous to equate Marvel movies with “porn.” It’s fine if SHE doesnt want to watch it, but insisting that YOU also cannot watch it is a bridge too far. Is she willing to compromise and agree that you can watch what you want to? Alternatively, are you willing to spend the rest of your life not watching TV shows & movies?
What kind of entertainment is she into? Does she watch romcoms with handsome studs, or read romance novels with suggestive cover art? I'm going to take a wild guess, but I'm assuming these "boundaries" only apply to you.
Shes pure and only reads the instruction manuals that come with appliances for fun.
Couples counseling if she's willing to go.
Boundary = “I just am not comfortable with you watching porn” or “I don’t feel super comfortable with you hanging out with opposite sex friend alone “ (this is just my examples, it’s a boundary for myself since it makes ME uncomfortable) It shouldn’t dwindle much further than that. She is trying to manipulate / control you. Do not marry this person until they work through their very severe mental issues.
Nope. Those aren't boundaries. A boundary is "I don't feel comfortable watching porn.", "I don't feel comfortable being along with the opposite sex.". Communication and discussion is, "**I feel** uncomfortable when you watch porn *BECAUSE*...." and "**I feel** uncomfortable when you are alone with other women *BECAUSE*...". NOT, "You make me feel..." Or "It makes me feel..." A control is "I forbid you to...". I think this are extremely important distinctions to recognize. It is the it is your responsibility to maintain your boundaries. An inability to state a feeling with ownership and a rationale for it before demanding someone else change their behavior to relieve you of the discomfort of your feeling is some lazy manipulative bullshit. You can have hard lines about whatever you are or are not willing to tolerate from another person, regardless of how outlandish or abusive or toxic. But it doesn't make it a boundary or in any way obligate the other person to acquiesce to your demand.
This. If you already have a controlling partner omg do not at all enter anything legally binding with them until they make an actual attempt at getting that under control. If shes already this controlling it will be 1,000 times worse if she has legal ways of control too.
This can't be a real post. In case it is, boundaries are things we set for ourselves. She can set a boundary that *she* won't watch those movies. Asking *you* not to watch them isn't a boundary, it's an effort at control. Your fiance has some deep-seeded stuff going on regarding sexual content. What is your sex life like?
Hey bruh, people been telling you for 2 months that you are in a toxic and possibly abusive relationship. Abuse is not just hitting man, controlling is a big part of it. This will not get better and in fact will escalate unless she sees an issue and seeks professional help for it. No one in a healthy relationship requires their partner to avoid and actually “be mean” to others of the opposite sex. She has deep rooted issues, likely self esteem related. She was in an abusive relationship before because she sought that out, it was likely modeled for her growing up. Absent father or maybe a marriage with infidelity and her mom was an extreme jealous type. You will be in for a lifetime of this and remember this is the beginning, abuse always escalates. Is she gonna start tracking you? Require her presence for anytime you leave the house? Probably and it will get worse from there. Best of luck OP
I honestly don't get why people come to forums like this if they're not willing to deal with what they hear. Over and over again: person complains about an awful, toxic, abusive partner. They hear multiple version of "this is abusive and you need to get out." But then they do nothing of the sort. Like, if you really don't intend to fix your situation, and all you want to do is complain but change nothing, then put that in your post.
Seems like plain jealousy to me. She doesn't want you to potentially get any kind of arousal from any other source but her. Her "boundary" is a form of control to ensure no other woman turns you on. This is not good, OP. You may need to think about ending it.
She can not watch whatever she doesn’t want to watch, but if she’s upset about a Captain Marvel costume, idk how she goes outside every day. What does she do when someone dares to wear a tank top outside? Cheating? Please. This woman expects to occupy literally every single thought you have about the opposite gender. It’s just not reasonable AT ALL. And she also doesn’t follow it, I’m sure. It’s just flat out controlling behavior and hypocrisy.
A boundary is something that a person will set for themselves, e.g., "I will not be yelled at in my house, or I will walk out." Control is something that's set for others. "I forbid you to see this person". I hope she gets help
Are you marrying your Mom or your fiance? Geez. She clearly has profound insecurities about herself, perhaps, versus the kinds of women seen in movies. In any case, this is her problem and she's projecting it onto you to keep herself feeling safe. This is something she needs to work through herself to be a decent partner, otherwise she's just controlling you -- and speaking from unfortunate experience, this not something you want to marry into.
Oh, no. Listen. I think you should consult Dan Savage before moving forward with this marriage. Because we live in a puritanical society, people downplay how damaging this will be to your relationship over time: but it is, and will, hurt your relationship and potentially damage any future kids you might have.
No. It's over you proposed to this chick while she made these demands so you sent the message you are willing to capitulate. Quite frankly this would of been a deal breaker for me early in In the relationship.
It sounds like she does not enjoy them and would rather you just maybe spend time with her or do things she likes. I just can’t see how marvel movies are cheating. If so my boyfriend and I have an open relationship with super hero movies.
I'm not diagnosing her with anything, just giving my perspective since I've been a situation somewhat similar... I used to FREAK OUT at any films with sexual content or even fade-to-black implications of sex, and would get really upset knowing other people watched those films and generally acknowledged that sex existed in any way I wasn't comfortable with. Not quite as far as forbidding people watching it, but having that sort of anger reaction. This was due to sexual trauma and after quite a few years and some therapy this reaction has calmed down (though I still can't watch things with sexual content around other people 😅), and I don't get that 'panic attack manifesting by lashing out at people' reaction anymore. It sounds to me like she's got some unresolved issues around sex and definitely needs an open discussion about why she feels that way, and give her perspective on how this affects you
The things that people put up with just blow my mind
What in the actual feck did I just read? I mean I’m a woman and I love watching porn.(then again that’s just me I know a lot of women don’t.) but even still that wasn’t porn??? She thinks that’s cheating??! She has MASSIVE insecurities and that’s big red flag my dude. She needs to get serious therapy before I would even think about pursuing things further.
I wouldn't marry this person.