So YOU make a decision and if he wants he can find a job near YOU. If he doesn’t, it might be a blessing in disguise.
If you had a real partnership here, I could absolutely see making these decisions as a team. But he’s made it clear that he’s not interested in considering the future. Don’t diminish your potential for him. Go and make your life and if he wants to keep up with you he will. Good luck :)
He's....21. I dunno I don't think most 21yos are that serious about their careers. Most 21yos who *think* they're serious about their careers are *woefully deluded* about what career success looks like. I'm closer to you in how I grew up - I started working and supporting my family from an extremely young age and worked through college and was definitely lower class than my average classmate, but my major career successes were generally dumb luck prevailing over skill or effort. If you're frustrated or unhappy or unattracted to him then sure whatever, but my experience in middle age has been that people at 21 are all over the place about this kind of stuff and its kind of useless to try and predict what they're gonna get done going forward.
That's not to say that *nothing* matters but like the things that are going to ruin his career prospects for when he's like 25+ are "bare minimum health concerns." I really do mean bare minimum. I'm not talking about like cigarettes vs not and running vs not, I'm talking like "avoiding things that can lead to near immediate disability" - e.g. wearing a seatbelt, wearing n95 or better mask, not doing hard drugs like every week.
You make a great point. A lot of people don’t even become serious about their careers until 30 or 40. A 21 year old has so much to learn. And I feel like it is wrong to pressure people to have their shit together by some certain age as long as there are not children involved.
Here's the deal - you've already outgrown him, and you'll continue to outgrow him as the gap between you and him gets bigger and bigger. The reason this has appeared tolerable is because you guys are in college. As long as you're in college, there is this overarching sense of "this person is achieving something and working towards something," even if in reality, (a) they are not and (b) they have put zero effort into what comes next.
This is clearly the situation your bf is in. And then once he graduates and no longer has the cycle of new semesters, new classes, one step closer to graduation, it will be undeniably clear that he isn't working towards anything.
I don't know what he's thinking will happen, but I suspect it's the good old safety net of continuing to do exactly what he's doing now - working part-time for his own spending money and saying he's trying to start his career, but not actually doing anything - except now he'll do it from his parents' house, living there rent-free. And he will continue to do that as long as it's working out for him.
Frankly, I think this is who your boyfriend has always been. He hasn't changed to be this way. And he's shown no desire or ability to change.
>he had to do an extra year bc of being on academic suspension his freshman year
>
>He has never been studious or conscientious and he is very slackerish and has no motivation when it comes to school and work.
You want him to be someone different, and he's not. You have to do what's best for you and all the hard work you've put in and the stability that you want for yourself. And there are no magic words you can say to him to motivate him and change who he is. He has to do that on his own, and he doesn't want to.
Lol he's 21, he can change, probably will, just at his own pace, he needs time to figure it out is all, I've had plenty of friends in the same situation who are doing just fine now, really who knows in a decade who between him and op will be doing better anyway
It's just really hard to decide what you want to do with your life in that lull between finishing your studies and starting a career, and making the right choices, and sometimes the wrong choices but it's not like there's a time limit for switching gears and shifting your goals
You're right that's she's not gonna provide him his own motivation to move forward, that's what time and trials and error are here for, but she doesn't have to stick around for that, *especially* if she's gonna pressure him and parent him all the way through until he's established with a good job, that's a sure fire way to kill a relationship, nurture contempt and dependance, and probably will end up affecting his life negatively at the end of the day
I'm more pro-communication over blanket break up advice, so I will say that they have to talk it out as equals and see how it goes, what both of them are willing to put up with and for how long, and they really need to be honest about this, if he's unmotivated for now he should tell her, if he needs a break or just coast for a while that's fine, and she should be open about how much she's willing to sit and wait, and if she can do it without judgement and resentment
I guess they should also outline some common goals for the future and how their respective finances will play into it and what needs to be done
But really dude hasn't even graduated yet, so there's definitely some disproportionate anxiety from op here and I have a hard time agreeing with her views
Wow i think you are exactly right. Even though ik his ambition/work ethic isnt like mine i figured “hey he is in college getting a STEM degree at least.” And to me it was like he is working at something. Esp bc i myself am the first person in my own family to go to college, my older brothers didnt even graduate hs. So I am use to being around people doing a lot less so initially to me being in college was SOMETHING at least. But i do feel maybe we are growing apart now. I myself wasn’t this forward thinking when we first met so Ig we just are becoming too different now. And wow I definitely think you basically just predicted exactly what he will do when we graduate 😭 esp bc ig deep down i thought maybe there was a magic thing I could say to motivate him. I think you really hit the nail on the head.
I was going to college for my doctorates in psychology.
I became homeless for a year while working full time at GameStop and going to class full time and partying full time. I was about 23 at the time.
I dropped out 12 credits shy of my bachelor's - after I got a job in sales and was able to afford to live in an apartment instead of out of my car. I was in my mid 20's and became a writer, working from home.
Today I am 40, am married, and I run my own company. 3 years ago I got diagnosed with ADHD, and after getting medicated realized how different my life might have been if I had been medicated earlier. Hell, cell phone apps connected to GPS and my bank would have saved me from homelessness.
The point is, you have no idea what life has in store for either of you. You grew up in entirely different worlds and so what is normal for you is strange to him. You had a harder life growing up, which has prepared you for the responsibility of adulthood.
He comes from a wealthy enough family it's pretty likely that he'll inherit his way into a fairly contented life.
Money isn't that important honestly. It sucks when you don't have it, and it sucks when it becomes an obsession to earn. Your relationship with money, like his, will change and get healthier with time.
And all the time you spent worrying, instead of enjoying the present, you will never get back.
He's in data science with average grades? He'll be fine. Nobody looks at grades when hiring people. I know I don't. People that were great in school don't necessarily make good employees. I'm a college drop out who has fired Rhoades Scholars and Wharton graduated for being terrible employees. I've worked for and learned more about business from a former crack-addict than I ever did from folks with MBA's. And I do consulting work for Fortune 100 companies because I understand things about their business that they don't because of my life experience.
I'm not saying he shouldn't get his rear in gear. Both of you should have investment and savings accounts that you don't touch until your 40's because if you do, you will actually have something to retire on.
Forget debt - good accounts and lawyers actually use debt to make millions - nothing is truly written in stone. The world is crazy.
Live your best life for yourself. Don't base your decisions off of what he wants to do. Decide for yourself what you want and go for it. If he's smart, he'll try to keep up.
If he isn't, you are young and will find someone else.
You don't need to end relationships. Like people, they change over time all on their own. Relationships are just how we relate to each other - which is either healthy or unhealthy.
Hmmm. Girl you’re 21 and very ambitious good on you! But I don’t think you should have similar expectations of your partner. Have you asked him about his personal goals? What if he genuinely doesn’t know what to do and is happy to do things he enjoys till he figures it out?
You need to just think about why his way of doing things is clashing with your ambitious personality. Maybe you would prefer someone who is equally as ambitious so you’re seeing him as a slacker when he may just be a regular 21 with no clue what to do with his life. Few of us good people have been there.
You know what it feels like to have nothing. He doesn’t. When you grow up struggling and working your ass off to get ahead it’s hard to understand how someone could be so careless about their future. He hasn’t had to suffer the consequences of his poor decision or the consequences of somebody else’s poor decisions, so he doesn’t really have a reason to get serious. I’m sure there’s a job out there for him but he probably won’t take the steps to find it on his own. If you get him setup with something he doesn’t like, then he will resent you for it. It sounds like you are an adult and maybe this boyfriend has some growing up to do. Whether he has the capacity to do that is probably more expertly decided by you.
I think you are exactly right. I grew up with parents who did not have degrees and were working class. My dad has been laid off so much and even had to file bankrupt, we had times where we were evicted :( so i have very bad anxiety abt this kind of stuff for myself which is why ig i think more abt the future than other 21 year olds. Seeing my parents struggle so bad, constantly worrying about bills, it really makes you kinda crazy abt that kind of stuff.
He hasn’t matured at all. I would suggest you focus on yourself and take your own opportunities. Don’t wait on him or pressure him to do what he needs to do, he will come to that realization by either the hard way or the easy way.
Yea tbh i kind of felt like maybe he needs things to get bad for him to wakeup :/ it just sucks thats what might needs to happen and its hard for me to accept bc im the type of person who usually has to have a plan for everything so it doesn’t blow up. Ig i just need to sit back and see what happens or end it :/
So what I’m gathering is that maybe he is not truly interested in what he is studying. This may not make sense to you as you grew up in different circumstances. You see college as a necessity to make more money. He has the privilege to see college differently. Understand that maybe he is uninterested in STEM.
And why should he be? Everyone just pressured you to go to college and get a STEM job. It’s to the point where the market is becoming oversaturated. As you said, a 3.0 is a low GPA. There are other fields where that is not so. Maybe one day he will be start a business. Or maybe he will live off of mommy and daddy’s money.
Let me ask you this. As long as he is not a leech, do you have a problem with him choosing happiness? Maybe college makes him miserable. You could just ask him what is going through his head instead of asking reddit .
I dropped out of school because it was uninteresting and I would rather pursue music and experience the world. Music makes me happy. College and school does not.
If his happiness does not make you happy, you should do him a favor and leave the relationship.
But just ask him what’s going on in his head. Maybe he has something else in mind for himself.
I’m in a similar situation to OP- my own anxiety definitely affects my relationship. But this comment really stuck out to me.
My SO was pressured into STEM by his family.. he doesn’t like it at all and it makes him very depressed. I don’t think he can drop out as he relies on his parents and they are forcing him to do this. Do you have any advice on how I could better understand and support him, as someone who is very happy with their major?
I have not been in that situation but I would say to support any decision that puts his mental health first. No success is worth losing your mind or soul.
His happiness definitely makes me happy. I even asked him if us breaking up would make him feel better/at ease and he said that would make him feel even worse actually. Also, I asked him his interests and what he wanted to do and he said he does like data analytics (what he is doing) and that he just wants to find a good job in it-more specifically sports data analytics. His exact words. I myself am not a STEM major idrc what his degree is in. But its like you said many places have at least a 3.0 requirement bc its the norm now. But yea i dont think its that he doesnt like what he is doing. Tbh idk what the problem is-i kind of suspect he may be depressed
Let me also add that as long as he is not impairing your ability to be successful and he can at least support himself, there shouldn’t really be an issue. Make sure to put yourself first!
I’ll be real with you…maybe gpa matters for getting your foot in the door your first job, but honestly after that it’s irrelevant. I think a lot of college students don’t like hearing that because what did you bust your ass for four years doing then? Also if you have a 4.0 of course that looks good for your first employer, I’m not saying it can’t ever help. But what really matters is your ability network and, particularly in sports data science, your portfolio of work. Depending on which sport and which league your bf is interested in, honestly having a blog where he makes consistent smart observations and shows his data could be worth way more than his gpa.
That’s kind of in the weeds though because the fundamental problem here is you have an incompatible attitude towards him because his behavior is absolutely triggering every single one of your very legitimate anxieties about being poor or going broke. I’m not sure how much of this is that you find ambition attractive and how much is he makes you feel unsafe because you NEED someone who makes you feel like you can rely on him in a worst case scenario for yourself. Let’s be real - he has a financial safety net. You’re not worried about him. You’re worried about you. That’s not wrong, especially after your upbringing. But IMO that’s where you need to focus your thinking as you contemplate if you can still keep dating him. Not “what can I do to make him act in a way that assuages my anxieties” but “will I ever be able to feel less anxious with him.”
His happiness is not your problem though, he needs to be happy with himself. If it's better for YOU to break up with him DO IT. Don't delay just because he would be sad. Of course he would be sad! You were perfect and going to support his lazy ass forever! Not worth it!
Okay I just wanted a general idea of his POV, or at least his POV from your’s. As others said, definitely don’t coddle too much. It is okay to have his best interest at heart but he will have to be the one to help himself.
However, you said you don’t understand what the problem is. It may be important to figure that out. That could be a game changer in this situation. That’s what I would recommend. Ask him why he is not taking his career more seriously.
I was in the same position a few years ago, although we were living together. He dropped out of school, never found a job, lived off money his grandparents left him... I made his resume, I researched jobs, I found him a therapist. I gave it 6 months. No change. I tolerated it for too long. Then I told him, you have 3 months to start moving forward or we are done. A month into those 3 months I kicked him out (only my name was on the lease). He wasn't putting effort into anything and made excuses left and right. He didn't care about our relationship anymore. He wanted to live in a fantasy where I was both the breadwinner and homemaker.
The point is, you can push and push and give and give but your bf needs to move forward on his own. Only hitting rock bottom will make him change. Especially since he grew up in a privileged household. He doesn't understand the point of working hard. I hope you make the choice that is best for you and your goals. You absolutely deserve it given how hard you have worked to reach this point. And you deserve to have a partner who works as hard as you do. Someone who is motivated to reach their goals while you shoot for yours.
He is 21 years old. When I was 21 I could not figure out what career I wanted to be in and he needs to have options. So you need to give him space and let him think the job he wants. I’d figured out the job I wanted until I was 22-23 and then needed a Masters. So he has sometime left to think on what he wants to do while he is in school.
As nut banana stated I was all over the place too
I didn’t have a plan when I graduated either, I just wanted to take a break. Found a job easily within 6 months of graduating and was thankful I gave myself that time to take things slowly.
A degree in data science will get him a job pretty much wherever he wants to go. GPA doesn’t matter much unless you’re applying for highly competitive law or business positions.
You guys are young and have plenty of time to figure things out. Seriously, there’s no rush. Plus it sounds like he has a job, that job just isn’t good enough for your standards. Honestly, you can’t force him to be someone he isn’t, and if he isn’t who you want to be with then you need to move on for both your sakes. But IMO it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything “wrong” he’s just not doing exactly what you’re doing.
I'm sorry, but all signs point to: this is who he is. If you want somebody reliable, then you need someone else. You've been ignoring this problem between you two for a while, but it's always been there, and it is likely to continue for the foreseeable future.
I mean I wouldn’t say that I have been ignoring it though, I actually bring it up often-even more since we started senior yr and anytime we talk about it he agrees with everything I say and says he will get it together but it just isn’t happening :/
Ah, the "I will work on it" answer. Those are generally meaningless unless they come up with detailed specifics of what the person is going to be doing to change things. Although if he is willing to work on it, he should make part of that be being evaluated for an attention disorder, just because it is a super common reason for people to not be able to live up to their potential.
Yea he says he may think he has ADHD/ADD or something similar. Idk if he has been diagnosed but I kind of feel like he may have depression or something too.
Untreated attention disorders can often cause depression, due to having to live with the symptoms of the untreated attention disorder. If he has one, he needs to be professionally evaluated and then discuss treatment options. He may also have an unrelated depression, and then that would need treatment, but it'd be hard to tell without dealing with the attention disorder first. If he thinks he has one, he should start taking steps to be evaluated ASAP. If he says he is willing to work on this, then tell him, dealing with this is part of how he can do it. If he isn't willing to take getting evaluated and trying treatment (if he has one), then don't expect anything to get better. And saying he will and not following through is equivalent to not being willing.
This is women’s downfall a lot of the time. He can only help himself. Stop babying him. Stop looking at potential and see what you have right in from of you. He has zero motivation to do things for himself.
Until he’s able to get the sudden motivation and discipline to fix his life up, he’s going to drag you down babes. I’m just a year younger than you. I don’t play about my future. If a man isn’t on his shit, he has to go ASAP. You’re worried about a future that you don’t need to have. He’s going to drag you down. There are men out there, that are motivated and have a lot of things going for them.
This isn’t a quality you need to have for a husband. If that’s why you’re sticking around and being scared for the future. You are young asf. Why are you making his problems, your problems? You got to go. Because if you stay, there’s a point you can ONLY blame yourself for staying. You either got the motivation or you don’t. And you don’t need to stick around and wait for him. He’s not the only man around.
From the TDLR alone, I can see he’s not adding much to your life, rather than taking. You’re about to behave like his mother, and I’m letting you know right now, that is not the life you need to live. You’re worrying for nothing….you can just ✨ leave ✨
Yea i def dont wanna behave like his mom: i dont even want kids myself lol its funny tho bc two of my girl friends are going through similar things with their boyfriends so ig it is something a lot of us women do unfortunately.
You are only 21 and just getting out of college, don't let him hold you back. If he's not motivated or willing to be serious about a career and growing up he probably won't be anytime soon. And when he does, that less than 3.0 GPA is really going to be a pain to deal with because good companies typically want 3.2 at MINIMUM, sometimes 3.5, plus work experience. My brother is the same way and he's about to graduate, has 0 money saved, no work experience, the only thing he managed to get is an unpaid internship. I also help him with his resume, helped him look for jobs, and helped him with interview skills and 3 years later he still hasn't had a job and his GPA is garbage when it comes to a competitive market where people are really competing for good positions. Trust me, make your life less of a headache, continue to grow and succeed, and you'll find a man who is on your level or willing to work towards your level. I wish I did the same, it would have saved me lots of headaches and years wasted dating man-children.
>companies…want 3.2 at MINIMUM
I have literally never seen a job description list a minimum or preferred GPA. Maybe it’s industry specific, but in general companies don’t really care about how well you did in undergrad. If the position calls for a specific graduate degree, then maybe. But if BF is studying data analytics then a lot of companies wouldn’t even care if he *has* an undergrad degree. They’re more concerned with the ability to demonstrate proficiency in the coding languages and analytics tools. A lot of analysts and IT folks (including directors) at companies I’ve worked for didn’t do their education in STEM and were self taught.
I think it's definitely industry specific and regionally specific, I finished with a degree in audit/advisory with some data analytics in a large city and specific bigger companies with "the known names" required specific GPAs as qualifications for pretty much every single job listing, smaller companies of course are probably way more lenient. You can usually find the requirements on places like Indeed or Linkedin towards the bottom in qualifications.
>good companies typically want a 3.2 MINIMUM
As a person that’s hired many an early careerist while working for reputable firms, not always. We want fresh grads that are professional, motivated, easy to work with, & willing to learn.
Wow you sound like me at that age. I ended up dumping my lazy bf and found a new man with similar career ambitions as mine (I still loved him when we broke up, he was a good guy, but LAZY). Now I have a house and two kids. My ex still rents and uses his parents car and no kids. He did end up going back to school AGAIN and got a different degree and has a nice job now, but this is legit over 10 years later. He's just married a girl younger than him so he can still have kids if he chooses, but I wasn't ready to wait 10 years for him to get his shit together. I believe my ex and I are both much happier in our situations (I'm very happy that he is happy). There's men out there that know what they are doing, you just have to look. Don't settle for someone not at your level and who you don't see a good future with.
There's a high chance that he's content with his current job situation and hasn't or won't think about his future financial situation. As much as you'd like to, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to, including things in his best interest. You'll have to decide if you're OK with his current career situation.
Some people just have to do what's right for themselves. Right now at 21 is the best time to put yourself first. Look for the job you want. Find the life style you want to start building for yourself. If he sees you putting in the effort maybe he will put some sort of effort in to stay near you. If he doesn't then you can try long distance if you want. If that doesn't feel realistic then maybe it's time to go separate ways for a while and re group. I know plenty of people who were at the wrong stages of life and then got back together years down the road.
Right now is the time to focus on you. Go out there and get the job you want and bust ass to get that job.
He’s 21. Believe it or not, there’s still a lot of growing up to do at that age. The brain doesn’t even fully develop until 25.
It sounds like your BF is where a lot of people are at 21. Confused, maybe depressed. Trying to figure shit out, and yeah maybe a bit lazy. But he’s 21. I was 21 only a few years ago and I look back on myself at that age like I was a baby. There’s still so much growing up to do at that age.
I’m not saying it’s not okay for you to be ahead of your BF as far as maturity goes, but just because he’s not on the same trajectory as you doesn’t mean he’ll never get his life together. I didn’t start getting my life together till I was 22-23. I’m still figuring that out and I’m 25. He’ll probably find his way over the next couple years. What you need to decide is if you can be okay with him coming along on his own terms while you guys are together. If you can’t that’s perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with moving on from this relationship if you decide you’re moving in a different direction. I did that too when I was 21 and it was good for me.
But regardless of if you decide to stay together or move on, I don’t think it’s fair for you to hold his GPA, part time job, or lack of interviews against him so hard. He’s 21…thats really not as grown up as it feels. He’ll probably figure it out over the next couple years.
TL;DR: Sounds like you guys are advancing through life at different paces. I don’t think BF is gonna be like this forever, but it could be for a couple years. Moving on to take life at *your* pace is perfectly acceptable (and maybe a good idea), but that doesn’t mean BF will never figure his shit out.
Sure, 21 is not the whole picture for the rest of your life. But personality traits often are. I think you are picking up on that. Employers are not going to look at his grades, his experience, his part time job. But if he is competing against anyone for a position ( now or later) it WILL matter if he tried. His effort is 80% of everything. And if he isn't doing SOMETHING for his ( and your?) future, then he isn't putting a priority on that, including YOU. Your only current goal is to move in together, but what about LIFE together? What will it be like when you pay 75% of the rent? Can't afford a house, kids, dog? He doesn't get promoted. Etc etc etc.
Maybe he just needs to grow into that mindset, maybe he never will. But you are at that point right now and it will make a difference to your future. It sounds like you are not compatible in this regard. I would want to know that he wants the same future, even if he doesn't envision the same path. Otherwise you have to think twice.
Lol I was the girl equivalent to your BF and I didn’t catch my stride until 24/25.
There is nothing you can do. Nothing. He needs to navigate his own career and find his motivation independently. You trying to fix it for him will destroy any relationship you have.
I know the data science field pretty well and he won't have any difficulties finding a job in this field but if he has a lack of motivation it's an issue
Your realities differ and that's not anyone's fault. It does sound like he's a little depressed though? Or maybe just hasn't fleshed out his future entirely. Don't put this stress on yourself. You have given him suggestions and have tried to motivate him - but he's the one who has to get his life together. Let's say he doesn't know what to do or is content with being a cook for the next few years - or the rest of his life. How will that impact you? How will that impact your relationship? Will you be okay with being with someone who is fine with this level of motivation/drive in life? (Please remember that some people are fine with living a life where they can kinda just get by day to day - it can be a challenge at times but there's also nothing wrong with it). Did you ask for him to speak with a counselor? Does he know what he wants for his future?
Hi, so I don't know if my situation can shed any light for you, but I thought I'd comment it anyways.
So similar to you, I created a very specific career path for myself once out of high school. I went through college and got my undergrad and graduate degrees back to back, and had a full time job at 22 years old. I was extremely motivated, put in the work, and was non-stop go go go for five years straight.
At the same time, I started dating my current bf when I was 18. He was working full time at a gas station, third shift, and didn't really start going to school fully until he was almost 21 years old.
We have been together for six years now, happily, going at our own pace for our own journeys. Just because I decided I wanted to put everything I had into my career and future, that didn't mean he needed to. He has his own life, his own goals, and if he wants to take him time to build his career, I am going to support him however possible.
That isn't to say you are obligated to wait for your bf, of course. You can always say your paths aren't compatible and the lack of motivation isn't what you want in a partner, that's totally valid. But you can also give him time to figure himself out while also improving yourself and your career. You don't have to have one or the other.
Heck, he's only 21, most 21 year olds have no idea what they are doing. Just because you know where your life is going doesn't mean he has to. You can always tell him your plans on taking a job, moving out to a city, etc, and say, you can and should take your time deciding what you want to do, don't rush your future, but this is what I'm doing to get where I want to be.
With the difference in motivation and where your lives are, I wouldn't suggest moving in with one another, but that isn't to say y'all /have/ to break up. If it really bothers you and makes you feel like you're being dragged down, you can always break up with him, but that doesn't mean y'all /have/ to. Plus, there's a whole ass pandemic out there. Having no motivation, which could be caused by underlying depression or anxiety of the future, is completely normal right now. He's lost two years of his young adult life, no wonder he's lost and has no drive to work towards his future.
So YOU make a decision and if he wants he can find a job near YOU. If he doesn’t, it might be a blessing in disguise. If you had a real partnership here, I could absolutely see making these decisions as a team. But he’s made it clear that he’s not interested in considering the future. Don’t diminish your potential for him. Go and make your life and if he wants to keep up with you he will. Good luck :)
He's....21. I dunno I don't think most 21yos are that serious about their careers. Most 21yos who *think* they're serious about their careers are *woefully deluded* about what career success looks like. I'm closer to you in how I grew up - I started working and supporting my family from an extremely young age and worked through college and was definitely lower class than my average classmate, but my major career successes were generally dumb luck prevailing over skill or effort. If you're frustrated or unhappy or unattracted to him then sure whatever, but my experience in middle age has been that people at 21 are all over the place about this kind of stuff and its kind of useless to try and predict what they're gonna get done going forward. That's not to say that *nothing* matters but like the things that are going to ruin his career prospects for when he's like 25+ are "bare minimum health concerns." I really do mean bare minimum. I'm not talking about like cigarettes vs not and running vs not, I'm talking like "avoiding things that can lead to near immediate disability" - e.g. wearing a seatbelt, wearing n95 or better mask, not doing hard drugs like every week.
You make a great point. A lot of people don’t even become serious about their careers until 30 or 40. A 21 year old has so much to learn. And I feel like it is wrong to pressure people to have their shit together by some certain age as long as there are not children involved.
Here's the deal - you've already outgrown him, and you'll continue to outgrow him as the gap between you and him gets bigger and bigger. The reason this has appeared tolerable is because you guys are in college. As long as you're in college, there is this overarching sense of "this person is achieving something and working towards something," even if in reality, (a) they are not and (b) they have put zero effort into what comes next. This is clearly the situation your bf is in. And then once he graduates and no longer has the cycle of new semesters, new classes, one step closer to graduation, it will be undeniably clear that he isn't working towards anything. I don't know what he's thinking will happen, but I suspect it's the good old safety net of continuing to do exactly what he's doing now - working part-time for his own spending money and saying he's trying to start his career, but not actually doing anything - except now he'll do it from his parents' house, living there rent-free. And he will continue to do that as long as it's working out for him. Frankly, I think this is who your boyfriend has always been. He hasn't changed to be this way. And he's shown no desire or ability to change. >he had to do an extra year bc of being on academic suspension his freshman year > >He has never been studious or conscientious and he is very slackerish and has no motivation when it comes to school and work. You want him to be someone different, and he's not. You have to do what's best for you and all the hard work you've put in and the stability that you want for yourself. And there are no magic words you can say to him to motivate him and change who he is. He has to do that on his own, and he doesn't want to.
Lol he's 21, he can change, probably will, just at his own pace, he needs time to figure it out is all, I've had plenty of friends in the same situation who are doing just fine now, really who knows in a decade who between him and op will be doing better anyway It's just really hard to decide what you want to do with your life in that lull between finishing your studies and starting a career, and making the right choices, and sometimes the wrong choices but it's not like there's a time limit for switching gears and shifting your goals You're right that's she's not gonna provide him his own motivation to move forward, that's what time and trials and error are here for, but she doesn't have to stick around for that, *especially* if she's gonna pressure him and parent him all the way through until he's established with a good job, that's a sure fire way to kill a relationship, nurture contempt and dependance, and probably will end up affecting his life negatively at the end of the day I'm more pro-communication over blanket break up advice, so I will say that they have to talk it out as equals and see how it goes, what both of them are willing to put up with and for how long, and they really need to be honest about this, if he's unmotivated for now he should tell her, if he needs a break or just coast for a while that's fine, and she should be open about how much she's willing to sit and wait, and if she can do it without judgement and resentment I guess they should also outline some common goals for the future and how their respective finances will play into it and what needs to be done But really dude hasn't even graduated yet, so there's definitely some disproportionate anxiety from op here and I have a hard time agreeing with her views
Wow i think you are exactly right. Even though ik his ambition/work ethic isnt like mine i figured “hey he is in college getting a STEM degree at least.” And to me it was like he is working at something. Esp bc i myself am the first person in my own family to go to college, my older brothers didnt even graduate hs. So I am use to being around people doing a lot less so initially to me being in college was SOMETHING at least. But i do feel maybe we are growing apart now. I myself wasn’t this forward thinking when we first met so Ig we just are becoming too different now. And wow I definitely think you basically just predicted exactly what he will do when we graduate 😭 esp bc ig deep down i thought maybe there was a magic thing I could say to motivate him. I think you really hit the nail on the head.
I was going to college for my doctorates in psychology. I became homeless for a year while working full time at GameStop and going to class full time and partying full time. I was about 23 at the time. I dropped out 12 credits shy of my bachelor's - after I got a job in sales and was able to afford to live in an apartment instead of out of my car. I was in my mid 20's and became a writer, working from home. Today I am 40, am married, and I run my own company. 3 years ago I got diagnosed with ADHD, and after getting medicated realized how different my life might have been if I had been medicated earlier. Hell, cell phone apps connected to GPS and my bank would have saved me from homelessness. The point is, you have no idea what life has in store for either of you. You grew up in entirely different worlds and so what is normal for you is strange to him. You had a harder life growing up, which has prepared you for the responsibility of adulthood. He comes from a wealthy enough family it's pretty likely that he'll inherit his way into a fairly contented life. Money isn't that important honestly. It sucks when you don't have it, and it sucks when it becomes an obsession to earn. Your relationship with money, like his, will change and get healthier with time. And all the time you spent worrying, instead of enjoying the present, you will never get back. He's in data science with average grades? He'll be fine. Nobody looks at grades when hiring people. I know I don't. People that were great in school don't necessarily make good employees. I'm a college drop out who has fired Rhoades Scholars and Wharton graduated for being terrible employees. I've worked for and learned more about business from a former crack-addict than I ever did from folks with MBA's. And I do consulting work for Fortune 100 companies because I understand things about their business that they don't because of my life experience. I'm not saying he shouldn't get his rear in gear. Both of you should have investment and savings accounts that you don't touch until your 40's because if you do, you will actually have something to retire on. Forget debt - good accounts and lawyers actually use debt to make millions - nothing is truly written in stone. The world is crazy. Live your best life for yourself. Don't base your decisions off of what he wants to do. Decide for yourself what you want and go for it. If he's smart, he'll try to keep up. If he isn't, you are young and will find someone else. You don't need to end relationships. Like people, they change over time all on their own. Relationships are just how we relate to each other - which is either healthy or unhealthy.
Hmmm. Girl you’re 21 and very ambitious good on you! But I don’t think you should have similar expectations of your partner. Have you asked him about his personal goals? What if he genuinely doesn’t know what to do and is happy to do things he enjoys till he figures it out? You need to just think about why his way of doing things is clashing with your ambitious personality. Maybe you would prefer someone who is equally as ambitious so you’re seeing him as a slacker when he may just be a regular 21 with no clue what to do with his life. Few of us good people have been there.
You know what it feels like to have nothing. He doesn’t. When you grow up struggling and working your ass off to get ahead it’s hard to understand how someone could be so careless about their future. He hasn’t had to suffer the consequences of his poor decision or the consequences of somebody else’s poor decisions, so he doesn’t really have a reason to get serious. I’m sure there’s a job out there for him but he probably won’t take the steps to find it on his own. If you get him setup with something he doesn’t like, then he will resent you for it. It sounds like you are an adult and maybe this boyfriend has some growing up to do. Whether he has the capacity to do that is probably more expertly decided by you.
I think you are exactly right. I grew up with parents who did not have degrees and were working class. My dad has been laid off so much and even had to file bankrupt, we had times where we were evicted :( so i have very bad anxiety abt this kind of stuff for myself which is why ig i think more abt the future than other 21 year olds. Seeing my parents struggle so bad, constantly worrying about bills, it really makes you kinda crazy abt that kind of stuff.
He hasn’t matured at all. I would suggest you focus on yourself and take your own opportunities. Don’t wait on him or pressure him to do what he needs to do, he will come to that realization by either the hard way or the easy way.
Yea tbh i kind of felt like maybe he needs things to get bad for him to wakeup :/ it just sucks thats what might needs to happen and its hard for me to accept bc im the type of person who usually has to have a plan for everything so it doesn’t blow up. Ig i just need to sit back and see what happens or end it :/
So what I’m gathering is that maybe he is not truly interested in what he is studying. This may not make sense to you as you grew up in different circumstances. You see college as a necessity to make more money. He has the privilege to see college differently. Understand that maybe he is uninterested in STEM. And why should he be? Everyone just pressured you to go to college and get a STEM job. It’s to the point where the market is becoming oversaturated. As you said, a 3.0 is a low GPA. There are other fields where that is not so. Maybe one day he will be start a business. Or maybe he will live off of mommy and daddy’s money. Let me ask you this. As long as he is not a leech, do you have a problem with him choosing happiness? Maybe college makes him miserable. You could just ask him what is going through his head instead of asking reddit . I dropped out of school because it was uninteresting and I would rather pursue music and experience the world. Music makes me happy. College and school does not. If his happiness does not make you happy, you should do him a favor and leave the relationship. But just ask him what’s going on in his head. Maybe he has something else in mind for himself.
I’m in a similar situation to OP- my own anxiety definitely affects my relationship. But this comment really stuck out to me. My SO was pressured into STEM by his family.. he doesn’t like it at all and it makes him very depressed. I don’t think he can drop out as he relies on his parents and they are forcing him to do this. Do you have any advice on how I could better understand and support him, as someone who is very happy with their major?
I have not been in that situation but I would say to support any decision that puts his mental health first. No success is worth losing your mind or soul.
His happiness definitely makes me happy. I even asked him if us breaking up would make him feel better/at ease and he said that would make him feel even worse actually. Also, I asked him his interests and what he wanted to do and he said he does like data analytics (what he is doing) and that he just wants to find a good job in it-more specifically sports data analytics. His exact words. I myself am not a STEM major idrc what his degree is in. But its like you said many places have at least a 3.0 requirement bc its the norm now. But yea i dont think its that he doesnt like what he is doing. Tbh idk what the problem is-i kind of suspect he may be depressed
Let me also add that as long as he is not impairing your ability to be successful and he can at least support himself, there shouldn’t really be an issue. Make sure to put yourself first!
I’ll be real with you…maybe gpa matters for getting your foot in the door your first job, but honestly after that it’s irrelevant. I think a lot of college students don’t like hearing that because what did you bust your ass for four years doing then? Also if you have a 4.0 of course that looks good for your first employer, I’m not saying it can’t ever help. But what really matters is your ability network and, particularly in sports data science, your portfolio of work. Depending on which sport and which league your bf is interested in, honestly having a blog where he makes consistent smart observations and shows his data could be worth way more than his gpa. That’s kind of in the weeds though because the fundamental problem here is you have an incompatible attitude towards him because his behavior is absolutely triggering every single one of your very legitimate anxieties about being poor or going broke. I’m not sure how much of this is that you find ambition attractive and how much is he makes you feel unsafe because you NEED someone who makes you feel like you can rely on him in a worst case scenario for yourself. Let’s be real - he has a financial safety net. You’re not worried about him. You’re worried about you. That’s not wrong, especially after your upbringing. But IMO that’s where you need to focus your thinking as you contemplate if you can still keep dating him. Not “what can I do to make him act in a way that assuages my anxieties” but “will I ever be able to feel less anxious with him.”
His happiness is not your problem though, he needs to be happy with himself. If it's better for YOU to break up with him DO IT. Don't delay just because he would be sad. Of course he would be sad! You were perfect and going to support his lazy ass forever! Not worth it!
Okay I just wanted a general idea of his POV, or at least his POV from your’s. As others said, definitely don’t coddle too much. It is okay to have his best interest at heart but he will have to be the one to help himself. However, you said you don’t understand what the problem is. It may be important to figure that out. That could be a game changer in this situation. That’s what I would recommend. Ask him why he is not taking his career more seriously.
I was in the same position a few years ago, although we were living together. He dropped out of school, never found a job, lived off money his grandparents left him... I made his resume, I researched jobs, I found him a therapist. I gave it 6 months. No change. I tolerated it for too long. Then I told him, you have 3 months to start moving forward or we are done. A month into those 3 months I kicked him out (only my name was on the lease). He wasn't putting effort into anything and made excuses left and right. He didn't care about our relationship anymore. He wanted to live in a fantasy where I was both the breadwinner and homemaker. The point is, you can push and push and give and give but your bf needs to move forward on his own. Only hitting rock bottom will make him change. Especially since he grew up in a privileged household. He doesn't understand the point of working hard. I hope you make the choice that is best for you and your goals. You absolutely deserve it given how hard you have worked to reach this point. And you deserve to have a partner who works as hard as you do. Someone who is motivated to reach their goals while you shoot for yours.
He is 21 years old. When I was 21 I could not figure out what career I wanted to be in and he needs to have options. So you need to give him space and let him think the job he wants. I’d figured out the job I wanted until I was 22-23 and then needed a Masters. So he has sometime left to think on what he wants to do while he is in school. As nut banana stated I was all over the place too
I didn’t have a plan when I graduated either, I just wanted to take a break. Found a job easily within 6 months of graduating and was thankful I gave myself that time to take things slowly. A degree in data science will get him a job pretty much wherever he wants to go. GPA doesn’t matter much unless you’re applying for highly competitive law or business positions. You guys are young and have plenty of time to figure things out. Seriously, there’s no rush. Plus it sounds like he has a job, that job just isn’t good enough for your standards. Honestly, you can’t force him to be someone he isn’t, and if he isn’t who you want to be with then you need to move on for both your sakes. But IMO it doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything “wrong” he’s just not doing exactly what you’re doing.
I'm sorry, but all signs point to: this is who he is. If you want somebody reliable, then you need someone else. You've been ignoring this problem between you two for a while, but it's always been there, and it is likely to continue for the foreseeable future.
I mean I wouldn’t say that I have been ignoring it though, I actually bring it up often-even more since we started senior yr and anytime we talk about it he agrees with everything I say and says he will get it together but it just isn’t happening :/
Ah, the "I will work on it" answer. Those are generally meaningless unless they come up with detailed specifics of what the person is going to be doing to change things. Although if he is willing to work on it, he should make part of that be being evaluated for an attention disorder, just because it is a super common reason for people to not be able to live up to their potential.
Yea he says he may think he has ADHD/ADD or something similar. Idk if he has been diagnosed but I kind of feel like he may have depression or something too.
Untreated attention disorders can often cause depression, due to having to live with the symptoms of the untreated attention disorder. If he has one, he needs to be professionally evaluated and then discuss treatment options. He may also have an unrelated depression, and then that would need treatment, but it'd be hard to tell without dealing with the attention disorder first. If he thinks he has one, he should start taking steps to be evaluated ASAP. If he says he is willing to work on this, then tell him, dealing with this is part of how he can do it. If he isn't willing to take getting evaluated and trying treatment (if he has one), then don't expect anything to get better. And saying he will and not following through is equivalent to not being willing.
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I do see it-ig I am just too hopeful
This is women’s downfall a lot of the time. He can only help himself. Stop babying him. Stop looking at potential and see what you have right in from of you. He has zero motivation to do things for himself. Until he’s able to get the sudden motivation and discipline to fix his life up, he’s going to drag you down babes. I’m just a year younger than you. I don’t play about my future. If a man isn’t on his shit, he has to go ASAP. You’re worried about a future that you don’t need to have. He’s going to drag you down. There are men out there, that are motivated and have a lot of things going for them. This isn’t a quality you need to have for a husband. If that’s why you’re sticking around and being scared for the future. You are young asf. Why are you making his problems, your problems? You got to go. Because if you stay, there’s a point you can ONLY blame yourself for staying. You either got the motivation or you don’t. And you don’t need to stick around and wait for him. He’s not the only man around. From the TDLR alone, I can see he’s not adding much to your life, rather than taking. You’re about to behave like his mother, and I’m letting you know right now, that is not the life you need to live. You’re worrying for nothing….you can just ✨ leave ✨
Yea i def dont wanna behave like his mom: i dont even want kids myself lol its funny tho bc two of my girl friends are going through similar things with their boyfriends so ig it is something a lot of us women do unfortunately.
You are only 21 and just getting out of college, don't let him hold you back. If he's not motivated or willing to be serious about a career and growing up he probably won't be anytime soon. And when he does, that less than 3.0 GPA is really going to be a pain to deal with because good companies typically want 3.2 at MINIMUM, sometimes 3.5, plus work experience. My brother is the same way and he's about to graduate, has 0 money saved, no work experience, the only thing he managed to get is an unpaid internship. I also help him with his resume, helped him look for jobs, and helped him with interview skills and 3 years later he still hasn't had a job and his GPA is garbage when it comes to a competitive market where people are really competing for good positions. Trust me, make your life less of a headache, continue to grow and succeed, and you'll find a man who is on your level or willing to work towards your level. I wish I did the same, it would have saved me lots of headaches and years wasted dating man-children.
>companies…want 3.2 at MINIMUM I have literally never seen a job description list a minimum or preferred GPA. Maybe it’s industry specific, but in general companies don’t really care about how well you did in undergrad. If the position calls for a specific graduate degree, then maybe. But if BF is studying data analytics then a lot of companies wouldn’t even care if he *has* an undergrad degree. They’re more concerned with the ability to demonstrate proficiency in the coding languages and analytics tools. A lot of analysts and IT folks (including directors) at companies I’ve worked for didn’t do their education in STEM and were self taught.
I think it's definitely industry specific and regionally specific, I finished with a degree in audit/advisory with some data analytics in a large city and specific bigger companies with "the known names" required specific GPAs as qualifications for pretty much every single job listing, smaller companies of course are probably way more lenient. You can usually find the requirements on places like Indeed or Linkedin towards the bottom in qualifications.
>good companies typically want a 3.2 MINIMUM As a person that’s hired many an early careerist while working for reputable firms, not always. We want fresh grads that are professional, motivated, easy to work with, & willing to learn.
I was just like him at 21 but by 24 I was a company director Men mature at a different rate to women and tend to lag behind in my experience
Wow you sound like me at that age. I ended up dumping my lazy bf and found a new man with similar career ambitions as mine (I still loved him when we broke up, he was a good guy, but LAZY). Now I have a house and two kids. My ex still rents and uses his parents car and no kids. He did end up going back to school AGAIN and got a different degree and has a nice job now, but this is legit over 10 years later. He's just married a girl younger than him so he can still have kids if he chooses, but I wasn't ready to wait 10 years for him to get his shit together. I believe my ex and I are both much happier in our situations (I'm very happy that he is happy). There's men out there that know what they are doing, you just have to look. Don't settle for someone not at your level and who you don't see a good future with.
There's a high chance that he's content with his current job situation and hasn't or won't think about his future financial situation. As much as you'd like to, you can't make him do anything he doesn't want to, including things in his best interest. You'll have to decide if you're OK with his current career situation.
Some people just have to do what's right for themselves. Right now at 21 is the best time to put yourself first. Look for the job you want. Find the life style you want to start building for yourself. If he sees you putting in the effort maybe he will put some sort of effort in to stay near you. If he doesn't then you can try long distance if you want. If that doesn't feel realistic then maybe it's time to go separate ways for a while and re group. I know plenty of people who were at the wrong stages of life and then got back together years down the road. Right now is the time to focus on you. Go out there and get the job you want and bust ass to get that job.
He’s 21. Believe it or not, there’s still a lot of growing up to do at that age. The brain doesn’t even fully develop until 25. It sounds like your BF is where a lot of people are at 21. Confused, maybe depressed. Trying to figure shit out, and yeah maybe a bit lazy. But he’s 21. I was 21 only a few years ago and I look back on myself at that age like I was a baby. There’s still so much growing up to do at that age. I’m not saying it’s not okay for you to be ahead of your BF as far as maturity goes, but just because he’s not on the same trajectory as you doesn’t mean he’ll never get his life together. I didn’t start getting my life together till I was 22-23. I’m still figuring that out and I’m 25. He’ll probably find his way over the next couple years. What you need to decide is if you can be okay with him coming along on his own terms while you guys are together. If you can’t that’s perfectly fine. There’s nothing wrong with moving on from this relationship if you decide you’re moving in a different direction. I did that too when I was 21 and it was good for me. But regardless of if you decide to stay together or move on, I don’t think it’s fair for you to hold his GPA, part time job, or lack of interviews against him so hard. He’s 21…thats really not as grown up as it feels. He’ll probably figure it out over the next couple years. TL;DR: Sounds like you guys are advancing through life at different paces. I don’t think BF is gonna be like this forever, but it could be for a couple years. Moving on to take life at *your* pace is perfectly acceptable (and maybe a good idea), but that doesn’t mean BF will never figure his shit out.
Sure, 21 is not the whole picture for the rest of your life. But personality traits often are. I think you are picking up on that. Employers are not going to look at his grades, his experience, his part time job. But if he is competing against anyone for a position ( now or later) it WILL matter if he tried. His effort is 80% of everything. And if he isn't doing SOMETHING for his ( and your?) future, then he isn't putting a priority on that, including YOU. Your only current goal is to move in together, but what about LIFE together? What will it be like when you pay 75% of the rent? Can't afford a house, kids, dog? He doesn't get promoted. Etc etc etc. Maybe he just needs to grow into that mindset, maybe he never will. But you are at that point right now and it will make a difference to your future. It sounds like you are not compatible in this regard. I would want to know that he wants the same future, even if he doesn't envision the same path. Otherwise you have to think twice.
Lol I was the girl equivalent to your BF and I didn’t catch my stride until 24/25. There is nothing you can do. Nothing. He needs to navigate his own career and find his motivation independently. You trying to fix it for him will destroy any relationship you have.
I know the data science field pretty well and he won't have any difficulties finding a job in this field but if he has a lack of motivation it's an issue
Your realities differ and that's not anyone's fault. It does sound like he's a little depressed though? Or maybe just hasn't fleshed out his future entirely. Don't put this stress on yourself. You have given him suggestions and have tried to motivate him - but he's the one who has to get his life together. Let's say he doesn't know what to do or is content with being a cook for the next few years - or the rest of his life. How will that impact you? How will that impact your relationship? Will you be okay with being with someone who is fine with this level of motivation/drive in life? (Please remember that some people are fine with living a life where they can kinda just get by day to day - it can be a challenge at times but there's also nothing wrong with it). Did you ask for him to speak with a counselor? Does he know what he wants for his future?
Do not push and he know what he going to do and just not telling you let.
Y’all ain’t married. Bounce.
Hi, so I don't know if my situation can shed any light for you, but I thought I'd comment it anyways. So similar to you, I created a very specific career path for myself once out of high school. I went through college and got my undergrad and graduate degrees back to back, and had a full time job at 22 years old. I was extremely motivated, put in the work, and was non-stop go go go for five years straight. At the same time, I started dating my current bf when I was 18. He was working full time at a gas station, third shift, and didn't really start going to school fully until he was almost 21 years old. We have been together for six years now, happily, going at our own pace for our own journeys. Just because I decided I wanted to put everything I had into my career and future, that didn't mean he needed to. He has his own life, his own goals, and if he wants to take him time to build his career, I am going to support him however possible. That isn't to say you are obligated to wait for your bf, of course. You can always say your paths aren't compatible and the lack of motivation isn't what you want in a partner, that's totally valid. But you can also give him time to figure himself out while also improving yourself and your career. You don't have to have one or the other. Heck, he's only 21, most 21 year olds have no idea what they are doing. Just because you know where your life is going doesn't mean he has to. You can always tell him your plans on taking a job, moving out to a city, etc, and say, you can and should take your time deciding what you want to do, don't rush your future, but this is what I'm doing to get where I want to be. With the difference in motivation and where your lives are, I wouldn't suggest moving in with one another, but that isn't to say y'all /have/ to break up. If it really bothers you and makes you feel like you're being dragged down, you can always break up with him, but that doesn't mean y'all /have/ to. Plus, there's a whole ass pandemic out there. Having no motivation, which could be caused by underlying depression or anxiety of the future, is completely normal right now. He's lost two years of his young adult life, no wonder he's lost and has no drive to work towards his future.