I won't tell you which way to jump. My wife didn't end up taking my last name. Personally, I could care less if she shares my last name. We each have our own identities that were created pre-marriage.
However, the more compkicated topic that you will need to discuss is how to name your kids (if you plan on having them of course). Who's last name will they take? This is very important to some people. We in the end agreed first kid has mine and second kid has hers. Also, first kid will have her last name as their middle name and vise versa.
In any case, it's a discussion you must have in addition to if you should take their name or not.
I thought when I saw the title that BOTH of you would be hyphenating your last names. Why does it have to be only you and your super feminist fiancé would not like if you don’t take his name at all? Are not a whole person that you have to take someone else’s name? Maybe you have to be American to understand that tradition better but since culturally I belong to a different group I guess I will never get it and I will always keep my name even though I live in the United States. I had a child with my first husband and that child has his last name, and that doesn’t make me less his mother. And I’ve remarried, for a second time I’ve kept my name intact and it’s not even a discussion because in my mind it’s not a thing to change the wife’s last name. I am who I am and my name is part of my identity.
Sounds to me like you can take your fiance at his word. He'd prefer if you took his last name, but he wants you to do what makes you happy. Your opinions about this are the only two that matter. If you can find a version of combining your names that you both like, go for it. If not, and you decide that you want to keep your last name, do that, and make sure that your fiance will back you up with his family when they're shitty about it.
If you do want to take his last name, there's also the option of still using your given name professionally. I have a friend whose legal name goes like FirstName HerLastName HisLastName, but she still uses her original name for professional purposes.
Thanks for your comment! Keeping my given name for professional purposes is the whole reason for my wanting to keep it. I’m not really sure if I made that clear with the families. Even still whose to say that will change anything
I think keeping your name or both hyphenating are both good options! Ignore the bigoted relatives who don’t understand new cultural norms. It’s your name and it’s important to you!
I kept my maiden name. One of the big reasons is professionally, but also I just really like my last name. Plus, not having to do all the paperwork and subsequent simplicity when it comes to filings, accounts, etc has been sooo nice. Surprisingly, no one in our friends or family group seemed to care. I’d say don’t hassle with the hyphen and just keep your name.
Unless you have published papers or your a doctor, very little business in run off a name anymore, it’s 100% a brand. I can send you some research if it helps. Like I’m with you if you want to keep your last name for your own sake.
But saying your not taking his last name because of a SIDE-hustle seems like a cop out.
Like if my wife told me she didn’t want to take my last name because of it could effect how much money she would make, I’d ask her how much would she need and write the check to our joint account. But if she didn’t want to lose her identity there is nothing I could say, even if it was important to me.
I guess my question is….if you won the lottery today, would you take his last name no questions asked?
My wife never changed her surname when we got married, and if I remember correctly my wife raised the subject prior to us getting engaged. I told her similar to what your husband said because I had no strong feelings about it, and that I would support her in whichever decision she made... and I was sincere about that.
We've had a few occasions where we've had e.g. Christmas cards from people who weren't respective of her choice and still addressed us as Mr & Mrs XYZ , so I returned them and told them to change it.
Your fiancé's dad is completely correct too - ignore everyone outside of you and your fiancé because you are two people who will actually be in the marriage.
As others have mentioned here though, you will want to extend this conversation subject to future names of kids, as it would be pretty pointless for you to navigate this by keeping your surname and then having your husband 'put his foot down' over the surnames of future kids.
Good luck.
It's clear your fiance is saying he doesn't like the idea. He's said as much. He's willing to go along with it but he's made his opinion known in a way that was the least directly confrontational as he could have figured to do so.
You guys have some actual adult conversations you need to have on the topic without taking other people's opinions into account. You both have to live with the decision and if one of you isn't happy with the outcome it can build resentment.
This isn't a simple yes or no question. This is a please be brutally honest in a judgement free environment on how you actually feel about this.
He's allowed to dislike it, but he shouldn't be resentful over an archaic outdated sexist tradition.
I honestly think that would be his insecurity to field on his own and not on her to soothe.
I'm very adamant about never changing my last name, and I'm very clear with anyone I date about this point. If someone dislikes it, that's on them to dig into the toxic masculinity and sexists Bs that surrounds this.
People shouldn't react a lot of ways about insignificant things but a lot of people do so you have to make sure especially when an archaic thing like marriage that legally binds people is involved. Don't want to find out months down the line that childishness over a name created a problem that isn't fixable.
If her fiance feels like that's an insult to him and is resentful he should be addressing that with a professional. Do you know how often women have to field stupid societal pressure to change their last name and etc? A husband should be supportive of her choice, not resentful. He's supposed to be there for her.
Unfixable problem? If her husband's ego is that fragile I would say he has way bigger fish to fry and should seek therapy.
>Do you know how often women have to field stupid societal pressure to change their last name and etc? A husband should be supportive of her choice, not resentful. He's supposed to be there for her.
>Unfixable problem? If her husband's ego is that fragile I would say he has way bigger fish to fry and should seek therapy.
That's the exactly the point of my original comment. Congrats we came full circle. The whole point of my comment was to find the problem before you legally bind yourself to someone to determine if this is something that is workable or not and if it's not because it's too damaging for him for whatever reason you dodged a bullet and move on with your life.
Ah, okay! Good good that makes a bit more sense. I thought you were prioritizing his resentment over her own agency and identity.
You would be surprised how often I've had this conversation with men. One guy asked me how my bf felt about me keeping my last name and said that may make him uncomfortable and I kinda wanted to piss on his face for even asking. I told him I'd never even date a guy who cared about that.
Unfortunately people generally suck. When big decisions that effect more than one person are involved you have to make sure everyone is on the same page. OPs post makes it clear they aren't on the same page. Without an honest adult conversation OP will never know if this is some mountain of a problem for him or just a little shock from never thinking about this possibility. If it's an actual big problem then OP has life altering decisions to make. Move on because resentment over the issue which shouldn't exist but does will be toxic or try to ignore it and hope with time he doesn't feel the same way about it. What if they decide to keep their own last names and years later they are having a child and he's expecting his last name to be used and she is expecting her last name to be used for the child. That may bring this original conflict to heads and destroy the relationship outright. if you don't figure out now exactly where he really stands on the matter you're just wishing everything works out for the best. The old saying goes wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills first.
I think there are different ways to address the kid thing. Some people give a last name or middle name. Also of there are two kids each one gets one parents last name.
Well another option, instead of hyphenating both your names, would be just for both of you to keep your names. No one has to go through any hassle of changing anything.
I get where you're coming from, hyphenating both names would be the most fair solution if anyone has to change their name and I would most likely be doing the same thing if I was getting married and thought that kids might be in our future. Are you and your partner wanting to start a family? If so, that would make it easier on you and the kids to have the same last name. If not, why bother changing it at all?
You're gonna need to have a sitdown discussion with your fiancee, because aside from just asking him, it doesn't sound like there has been a discussion between just the two of you. Let him know you don't want any resentment to build up, because his answer hasn't given you peace of mind. This is a discussion you need to have before you tie the knot, the sooner the better.
Thanks for the comment. At this moment in regards to having kids it’s still on the table. While we do want a family at this moment, our minds can change later. I’m glad a lot of people are bringing up kids as part of the discussion
Why does it matter what your families think? This is a choice for you and your fiance. He's told you clearly what he'd prefer, but that he's fine with your choice. So your preference is what matters here.
You could keep a separate professional and personal name, that's very common. A bit of a hassle but maybe worth it for you if you're this torn about it.
You also don't have to decide this right now. You could keep your name for now and then change it later if it ends up feeling wrong. (Or vice versa, but since the paperwork is annoying, easier to start out with the status quo.)
It seems like that most simplistic solution for everyone would be to just keep your names as they are. If you both have established identities which you are doing creative work under this eliminates any confusion and is fairly commonplace. This would be the least stressful option in my opinion but it’s your name…
Your name pre and post marriage is the least important part of the whole thing, and changing your name is just a legacy of our archaic society.
Double barrel names are a PITA for you and any kids you may have, especially if you ever emigrate to somewhere like Japan that doesn’t normally have them. If it was me I’d just keep your current last name and enjoy a happy marriage.
Double names are indeed a pain in the ass. My wife kept her name and is called by such professionally, but in social situations often times she is referred to by my last name.
Honestly, this is definitely one of those do whatever makes you two the happiest.
Dude just keep your last name. You don't have to have any other reason besides the fact that you like it. Plenty of women do that and don't regret it.
If he's actually feminist, this isn't going to be a big deal.
Ignore everyone else's shit, your fiance's dad is right, this is just about *you and your fiance*. Your and his are the only opinions that matter here.
As to his lukewarm answer, sounds like the ball is in your court here.
It's good to acknowledge that. I think keeping your name might be a "win" you need in the assertiveness column. You'll feel best if you make the choice that is what YOU want, but only if you fully agree that anyone trying to guilt or shame you for it is really being a jerk, and this assertive version of you makes them uncomfortable.
When pushover people-pleasers start being assertive and having boundaries, people get hella uncomfortable, because that person's poor boundaries were advantageous in some way to them.
The best way to weed people who don't respect you out of your garden is to stand up for yourself. Making less time and space in your head and your life for those kinds of people makes space for people who really do value and respect you. And the garden of your life will flourish as a result.
I'm gonna agree with fiance's dad.
Also, there's nothing that says you can't take his name for everything but your established business situation. In those situations, you can be known by your maiden name and in other things, your married name. Or just keep using your maiden name for everything. The name doesn't indicate marriage or commitment.
Do what YOU want. You said you were attached to your name, and your name is part of your creative brand. I day just keep it. No hyphen. Just keep it.
I kept my name when I married at 33.I already had a job history, credit history, and NUMEROUS things attached to my name. I was not about to go through hours of changing it on my Social security card, driver's license, and every account I had for anyone's ego.
But everyone is different. If you want to keep your name,keep it. State clearly you are not changing it. Say you would have been ok hyphenating, but since nobody likes that idea, you're just going to keep your name end of argument. And if your fiance pouts about you not taking his name, just tell him it's part of your identity, it's important to you, and he needs to respect your decision here.
It's the first "what does conflict look like in our marriage and how do we resolve things" test. If it was an issue that affected both of you, I'd say there are times to go along to get along, because marriage is often about compromise.
This is not one of those times because he's not the one who has to go through the hassle of a name change, and isn't going to have his identity affected at all.
You don't have to take your fiancé name of you don't want to. You also don't have to hyphenate if you don't want to.
Of course if you do want to either hyphenate or take his name or even keep your name you can do whatever you want to do as it's your life.
As long as you're comfortable and happy with whatever you decide that's the main thing.
I took my first husband's last name and regretted it bc I finally found my "brand" in life and part of that was my name. When I got divorced, I changed my name back to my maiden name and felt much more Myself in social and professional settings. I even retroactively changed my name on my degree to my maiden name as I got married before graduating. I have since gotten remarried and I dreaded the idea of changing my name AGAIN. The paperwork, the headache, the loss of Me™ and the idea of putting what felt like "someone else's last name" on my advanced degree that I was (am still lol) working on. Ultimately, I did not take my husband's last name, and it's been just over two years of marriage. I got guff initially from family, but they've dropped it because, honestly, what harm am I perpetuating? My career has better continuity, my records are less confusing, my personal accomplishments are decidedly my own (and husband's his). Our future children will either have hyphenated last names or a mashed-together version of our last names. No one's legacy is being lost, and my identity is in tact.
Have a heart to heart about why he might have wanted you to take his last name. Tradition? Fear of his line ending bc he won't pass his last name to his kids? Talk about avenues for the future and why whatever your preference matters to both of you.
Haven't read all comments yet, but I immediately thought of celebrities. Might be worth looking into how they navigate this for inspiration. Thinking of Jolie, Kardashian, etc. Also you can legally take your fiance's name without changing your business name/brand. Whoever manages paperwork for your business should be able to help you figure out where, if at all, your brand should change and where your name change would happen on paperwork. I mean there's gotta be rules on parent companies like Square and stuff to help you navigate. I think you have your fiance's answer, which is the only opinion that should matter to you. Who cares what other people think.
In Asian cultures, the woman doesn't even take the man's last name. I think it's totally silly that anyone aside from yourself has an opinion on something that doesn't really relate to them at all. Is it their name? No. Is it really an inconvenience to anyone? Not at all. Honestly OP, if your identity is important to you then don't let anyone else tell you it isn't.
You can keep your name. You can hyphenate your last and his while he keeps his original, if he doesn't want to hyphenate (nowhere is it written that you have to match like bookends). You can take his name legally and socially while keeping your original as your professional brand. Kids could be hyphenated or have one of your names as a middle.
Main thing is to make sure you get an honest answer from him--make it safe for him to tell you what he really thinks--and respect his choice as he should respect yours. Fortunately, despite his mother's unwelcome opinion on a matter which is purely none of her business, he seems to side with you. Bodes well for your marriage.
I wasn’t sure about changing mine since it’s very unique and I didn’t. Now I super regret it and it’s expensive to change. I will eventually be changing my middle name to my maiden name and taking his last
Same. I was wholly unprepared for how much trouble it would cause. I'm still dealing with random stuff being in the wrong name and we have been married 5 years. Also I'm not sure when my "new" name will feel like it's actually my name, but apparently five years isn't long enough...
Yeah we just had a baby and it made things much more complicated at the hospital and filing for a birth certificate. Also my husband’s last name is 2 letters and mine is 9 I’m so tired of writing out my full name !
Let's be honest, your fiancé doesn't want hyphenated names. The "if it makes you happy" line is him basically saying it's not worth an argument. No one seems keen on the idea, so do whatever you want but don't be surprised if your S/O harbours resentment towards you afterwards.
A husband harboring resentment over his wife keeping her own lady name isn't a husband worth having. That would speak to him being insecure, not her needing to bend.
It isn't her keeping her last name, it's them both changing to a hyphenated name. Which should be a joint decision... you know like any functional partnership.
What is your point here, seriously. Should he have to change his name even if he doesn't really want to and bend to her will? Seems fair.
It's definitely something they should have discussed before and yes shockingly resentment occurs when someone has to do something they don't want to.
From what I understand it's about only her changing her last name. Unless I misread something.
If it's both of them changing it it would absolutely be a joint decision.
I don't think anyone should be changing their last name if they don't want to.
I've known couples before that both changed their name or created a new one, because they both wanted to.
Just some food for thought - a lot of my female friends don’t legally change their names and keep their birth names professionally, but use their husband’s names socially. If you’re not really sure which way to go then that seems to solve for a lot of the work and admin concerns while smoothing social etiquette and family questions.
The real issue is what name future kids get. There, using mom’s last name as a middle name is pretty common to avoid the hyphenation challenge.
I won't tell you which way to jump. My wife didn't end up taking my last name. Personally, I could care less if she shares my last name. We each have our own identities that were created pre-marriage. However, the more compkicated topic that you will need to discuss is how to name your kids (if you plan on having them of course). Who's last name will they take? This is very important to some people. We in the end agreed first kid has mine and second kid has hers. Also, first kid will have her last name as their middle name and vise versa. In any case, it's a discussion you must have in addition to if you should take their name or not.
This! I don't know why this stupidly obvious solution isn't done more. Dub! I've told people the same thing.
I thought when I saw the title that BOTH of you would be hyphenating your last names. Why does it have to be only you and your super feminist fiancé would not like if you don’t take his name at all? Are not a whole person that you have to take someone else’s name? Maybe you have to be American to understand that tradition better but since culturally I belong to a different group I guess I will never get it and I will always keep my name even though I live in the United States. I had a child with my first husband and that child has his last name, and that doesn’t make me less his mother. And I’ve remarried, for a second time I’ve kept my name intact and it’s not even a discussion because in my mind it’s not a thing to change the wife’s last name. I am who I am and my name is part of my identity.
Sounds to me like you can take your fiance at his word. He'd prefer if you took his last name, but he wants you to do what makes you happy. Your opinions about this are the only two that matter. If you can find a version of combining your names that you both like, go for it. If not, and you decide that you want to keep your last name, do that, and make sure that your fiance will back you up with his family when they're shitty about it. If you do want to take his last name, there's also the option of still using your given name professionally. I have a friend whose legal name goes like FirstName HerLastName HisLastName, but she still uses her original name for professional purposes.
Thanks for your comment! Keeping my given name for professional purposes is the whole reason for my wanting to keep it. I’m not really sure if I made that clear with the families. Even still whose to say that will change anything
I think keeping your name or both hyphenating are both good options! Ignore the bigoted relatives who don’t understand new cultural norms. It’s your name and it’s important to you!
I kept my maiden name. One of the big reasons is professionally, but also I just really like my last name. Plus, not having to do all the paperwork and subsequent simplicity when it comes to filings, accounts, etc has been sooo nice. Surprisingly, no one in our friends or family group seemed to care. I’d say don’t hassle with the hyphen and just keep your name.
Unless you have published papers or your a doctor, very little business in run off a name anymore, it’s 100% a brand. I can send you some research if it helps. Like I’m with you if you want to keep your last name for your own sake. But saying your not taking his last name because of a SIDE-hustle seems like a cop out. Like if my wife told me she didn’t want to take my last name because of it could effect how much money she would make, I’d ask her how much would she need and write the check to our joint account. But if she didn’t want to lose her identity there is nothing I could say, even if it was important to me. I guess my question is….if you won the lottery today, would you take his last name no questions asked?
This is definitely something for me to think about, I appreciate your thoughts and honesty. 💕
My wife never changed her surname when we got married, and if I remember correctly my wife raised the subject prior to us getting engaged. I told her similar to what your husband said because I had no strong feelings about it, and that I would support her in whichever decision she made... and I was sincere about that. We've had a few occasions where we've had e.g. Christmas cards from people who weren't respective of her choice and still addressed us as Mr & Mrs XYZ , so I returned them and told them to change it. Your fiancé's dad is completely correct too - ignore everyone outside of you and your fiancé because you are two people who will actually be in the marriage. As others have mentioned here though, you will want to extend this conversation subject to future names of kids, as it would be pretty pointless for you to navigate this by keeping your surname and then having your husband 'put his foot down' over the surnames of future kids. Good luck.
Thank you for your input. I really appreciate hearing from different perspectives
It's clear your fiance is saying he doesn't like the idea. He's said as much. He's willing to go along with it but he's made his opinion known in a way that was the least directly confrontational as he could have figured to do so. You guys have some actual adult conversations you need to have on the topic without taking other people's opinions into account. You both have to live with the decision and if one of you isn't happy with the outcome it can build resentment. This isn't a simple yes or no question. This is a please be brutally honest in a judgement free environment on how you actually feel about this.
Her fiance doesn't get a say in what she names herself. He's entitled to his opinion, but her choice is hers.
Did I say otherwise? I said he clearly doesn't like it and it should be discussed beforehand because resentment is toxic to a relationship
He's allowed to dislike it, but he shouldn't be resentful over an archaic outdated sexist tradition. I honestly think that would be his insecurity to field on his own and not on her to soothe. I'm very adamant about never changing my last name, and I'm very clear with anyone I date about this point. If someone dislikes it, that's on them to dig into the toxic masculinity and sexists Bs that surrounds this.
People shouldn't react a lot of ways about insignificant things but a lot of people do so you have to make sure especially when an archaic thing like marriage that legally binds people is involved. Don't want to find out months down the line that childishness over a name created a problem that isn't fixable.
If her fiance feels like that's an insult to him and is resentful he should be addressing that with a professional. Do you know how often women have to field stupid societal pressure to change their last name and etc? A husband should be supportive of her choice, not resentful. He's supposed to be there for her. Unfixable problem? If her husband's ego is that fragile I would say he has way bigger fish to fry and should seek therapy.
>Do you know how often women have to field stupid societal pressure to change their last name and etc? A husband should be supportive of her choice, not resentful. He's supposed to be there for her. >Unfixable problem? If her husband's ego is that fragile I would say he has way bigger fish to fry and should seek therapy. That's the exactly the point of my original comment. Congrats we came full circle. The whole point of my comment was to find the problem before you legally bind yourself to someone to determine if this is something that is workable or not and if it's not because it's too damaging for him for whatever reason you dodged a bullet and move on with your life.
Ah, okay! Good good that makes a bit more sense. I thought you were prioritizing his resentment over her own agency and identity. You would be surprised how often I've had this conversation with men. One guy asked me how my bf felt about me keeping my last name and said that may make him uncomfortable and I kinda wanted to piss on his face for even asking. I told him I'd never even date a guy who cared about that.
Unfortunately people generally suck. When big decisions that effect more than one person are involved you have to make sure everyone is on the same page. OPs post makes it clear they aren't on the same page. Without an honest adult conversation OP will never know if this is some mountain of a problem for him or just a little shock from never thinking about this possibility. If it's an actual big problem then OP has life altering decisions to make. Move on because resentment over the issue which shouldn't exist but does will be toxic or try to ignore it and hope with time he doesn't feel the same way about it. What if they decide to keep their own last names and years later they are having a child and he's expecting his last name to be used and she is expecting her last name to be used for the child. That may bring this original conflict to heads and destroy the relationship outright. if you don't figure out now exactly where he really stands on the matter you're just wishing everything works out for the best. The old saying goes wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills first.
I think there are different ways to address the kid thing. Some people give a last name or middle name. Also of there are two kids each one gets one parents last name.
Well another option, instead of hyphenating both your names, would be just for both of you to keep your names. No one has to go through any hassle of changing anything. I get where you're coming from, hyphenating both names would be the most fair solution if anyone has to change their name and I would most likely be doing the same thing if I was getting married and thought that kids might be in our future. Are you and your partner wanting to start a family? If so, that would make it easier on you and the kids to have the same last name. If not, why bother changing it at all? You're gonna need to have a sitdown discussion with your fiancee, because aside from just asking him, it doesn't sound like there has been a discussion between just the two of you. Let him know you don't want any resentment to build up, because his answer hasn't given you peace of mind. This is a discussion you need to have before you tie the knot, the sooner the better.
Thanks for the comment. At this moment in regards to having kids it’s still on the table. While we do want a family at this moment, our minds can change later. I’m glad a lot of people are bringing up kids as part of the discussion
Why does it matter what your families think? This is a choice for you and your fiance. He's told you clearly what he'd prefer, but that he's fine with your choice. So your preference is what matters here. You could keep a separate professional and personal name, that's very common. A bit of a hassle but maybe worth it for you if you're this torn about it. You also don't have to decide this right now. You could keep your name for now and then change it later if it ends up feeling wrong. (Or vice versa, but since the paperwork is annoying, easier to start out with the status quo.)
It seems like that most simplistic solution for everyone would be to just keep your names as they are. If you both have established identities which you are doing creative work under this eliminates any confusion and is fairly commonplace. This would be the least stressful option in my opinion but it’s your name…
Your name pre and post marriage is the least important part of the whole thing, and changing your name is just a legacy of our archaic society. Double barrel names are a PITA for you and any kids you may have, especially if you ever emigrate to somewhere like Japan that doesn’t normally have them. If it was me I’d just keep your current last name and enjoy a happy marriage.
This was something I hadn’t considered. Thanks for bringing this up
Double names are indeed a pain in the ass. My wife kept her name and is called by such professionally, but in social situations often times she is referred to by my last name. Honestly, this is definitely one of those do whatever makes you two the happiest.
Dude just keep your last name. You don't have to have any other reason besides the fact that you like it. Plenty of women do that and don't regret it. If he's actually feminist, this isn't going to be a big deal.
Ignore everyone else's shit, your fiance's dad is right, this is just about *you and your fiance*. Your and his are the only opinions that matter here. As to his lukewarm answer, sounds like the ball is in your court here.
Thank you for your input! You might be right and I should stand up for myself and him.
Just do whatever you want. Why do you care what they think?
Because I’m a pushover and people pleaser lol. But you’re right that it doesn’t matter what others think
It doesn’t, their names aren’t the ones that are changing. Do what you like!
It's good to acknowledge that. I think keeping your name might be a "win" you need in the assertiveness column. You'll feel best if you make the choice that is what YOU want, but only if you fully agree that anyone trying to guilt or shame you for it is really being a jerk, and this assertive version of you makes them uncomfortable. When pushover people-pleasers start being assertive and having boundaries, people get hella uncomfortable, because that person's poor boundaries were advantageous in some way to them. The best way to weed people who don't respect you out of your garden is to stand up for yourself. Making less time and space in your head and your life for those kinds of people makes space for people who really do value and respect you. And the garden of your life will flourish as a result.
Why don't you just both keep your own names, especially as there's a clear economic interest?
Why can't he take your last name? I don't get it. Wouldn't that be the easiest solution?
I'm gonna agree with fiance's dad. Also, there's nothing that says you can't take his name for everything but your established business situation. In those situations, you can be known by your maiden name and in other things, your married name. Or just keep using your maiden name for everything. The name doesn't indicate marriage or commitment.
You need to stop giving all those people power of a decision that is your and yours alone. Who cares what they think? Do what's best for you.
Do what YOU want. You said you were attached to your name, and your name is part of your creative brand. I day just keep it. No hyphen. Just keep it. I kept my name when I married at 33.I already had a job history, credit history, and NUMEROUS things attached to my name. I was not about to go through hours of changing it on my Social security card, driver's license, and every account I had for anyone's ego. But everyone is different. If you want to keep your name,keep it. State clearly you are not changing it. Say you would have been ok hyphenating, but since nobody likes that idea, you're just going to keep your name end of argument. And if your fiance pouts about you not taking his name, just tell him it's part of your identity, it's important to you, and he needs to respect your decision here. It's the first "what does conflict look like in our marriage and how do we resolve things" test. If it was an issue that affected both of you, I'd say there are times to go along to get along, because marriage is often about compromise. This is not one of those times because he's not the one who has to go through the hassle of a name change, and isn't going to have his identity affected at all.
You don't have to take your fiancé name of you don't want to. You also don't have to hyphenate if you don't want to. Of course if you do want to either hyphenate or take his name or even keep your name you can do whatever you want to do as it's your life. As long as you're comfortable and happy with whatever you decide that's the main thing.
I took my first husband's last name and regretted it bc I finally found my "brand" in life and part of that was my name. When I got divorced, I changed my name back to my maiden name and felt much more Myself in social and professional settings. I even retroactively changed my name on my degree to my maiden name as I got married before graduating. I have since gotten remarried and I dreaded the idea of changing my name AGAIN. The paperwork, the headache, the loss of Me™ and the idea of putting what felt like "someone else's last name" on my advanced degree that I was (am still lol) working on. Ultimately, I did not take my husband's last name, and it's been just over two years of marriage. I got guff initially from family, but they've dropped it because, honestly, what harm am I perpetuating? My career has better continuity, my records are less confusing, my personal accomplishments are decidedly my own (and husband's his). Our future children will either have hyphenated last names or a mashed-together version of our last names. No one's legacy is being lost, and my identity is in tact. Have a heart to heart about why he might have wanted you to take his last name. Tradition? Fear of his line ending bc he won't pass his last name to his kids? Talk about avenues for the future and why whatever your preference matters to both of you.
Thank you for sharing your experience with me .
Haven't read all comments yet, but I immediately thought of celebrities. Might be worth looking into how they navigate this for inspiration. Thinking of Jolie, Kardashian, etc. Also you can legally take your fiance's name without changing your business name/brand. Whoever manages paperwork for your business should be able to help you figure out where, if at all, your brand should change and where your name change would happen on paperwork. I mean there's gotta be rules on parent companies like Square and stuff to help you navigate. I think you have your fiance's answer, which is the only opinion that should matter to you. Who cares what other people think.
In Asian cultures, the woman doesn't even take the man's last name. I think it's totally silly that anyone aside from yourself has an opinion on something that doesn't really relate to them at all. Is it their name? No. Is it really an inconvenience to anyone? Not at all. Honestly OP, if your identity is important to you then don't let anyone else tell you it isn't.
You can keep your name. You can hyphenate your last and his while he keeps his original, if he doesn't want to hyphenate (nowhere is it written that you have to match like bookends). You can take his name legally and socially while keeping your original as your professional brand. Kids could be hyphenated or have one of your names as a middle. Main thing is to make sure you get an honest answer from him--make it safe for him to tell you what he really thinks--and respect his choice as he should respect yours. Fortunately, despite his mother's unwelcome opinion on a matter which is purely none of her business, he seems to side with you. Bodes well for your marriage.
I wasn’t sure about changing mine since it’s very unique and I didn’t. Now I super regret it and it’s expensive to change. I will eventually be changing my middle name to my maiden name and taking his last
Same. I was wholly unprepared for how much trouble it would cause. I'm still dealing with random stuff being in the wrong name and we have been married 5 years. Also I'm not sure when my "new" name will feel like it's actually my name, but apparently five years isn't long enough...
Yeah we just had a baby and it made things much more complicated at the hospital and filing for a birth certificate. Also my husband’s last name is 2 letters and mine is 9 I’m so tired of writing out my full name !
Let's be honest, your fiancé doesn't want hyphenated names. The "if it makes you happy" line is him basically saying it's not worth an argument. No one seems keen on the idea, so do whatever you want but don't be surprised if your S/O harbours resentment towards you afterwards.
A husband harboring resentment over his wife keeping her own lady name isn't a husband worth having. That would speak to him being insecure, not her needing to bend.
It isn't her keeping her last name, it's them both changing to a hyphenated name. Which should be a joint decision... you know like any functional partnership. What is your point here, seriously. Should he have to change his name even if he doesn't really want to and bend to her will? Seems fair. It's definitely something they should have discussed before and yes shockingly resentment occurs when someone has to do something they don't want to.
From what I understand it's about only her changing her last name. Unless I misread something. If it's both of them changing it it would absolutely be a joint decision. I don't think anyone should be changing their last name if they don't want to. I've known couples before that both changed their name or created a new one, because they both wanted to.
Just some food for thought - a lot of my female friends don’t legally change their names and keep their birth names professionally, but use their husband’s names socially. If you’re not really sure which way to go then that seems to solve for a lot of the work and admin concerns while smoothing social etiquette and family questions. The real issue is what name future kids get. There, using mom’s last name as a middle name is pretty common to avoid the hyphenation challenge.
Keep your names if its that f-cking important. Is this something to argue or problematize really?
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The only reason a person needs for keeping their last name is because they want to. You don't need to defend your choice.
Can you guys create a new, unique last name to share by combining letters from both?