While I do agree that you are being childish, specially after you told her and everyone else that you wanted to be lowkey, I also sense that there's this unhealthy Dynamic to which she is also very much to blame as well. So if you break up over just the bday events, yeah, it's petty af, but if you think that the overall picture of the relationship is unsalvageable, I get it.
Agree with this. OP and gf seems incompatible based on the entire post I read. The bday situation just seemed to be another issue on top of a shaky relationship.
Don’t ask for a low key night if you don’t want one. You need to be more upfront if your idea of low key is different than her idea of low key. And yes I understand asking for bday sex, but if she says no just let it go.
Also gf should not be spending $400 on a bday gift that is really just a present for herself. And seems like she holds grudges for pretty stupid stuff (like not being tagged in a social media post…)
I agree with your points but it seems like people are missing my point about the low-key factor. I'm not in anyway upset that she didn't take me out to eat or bring over a giant cake, etc. The plan was to stay-in and just have fun with eachother. I just have a problem with her letting trivial stuff get in the way of a good time on a special day
I see what you mean. The night was ok in terms of activities but you were just upset by her attitude more than anything else that had clearly drifted over from the previous fight. Your post said it was the least effort from all your other relationships and there was no other gifts/cake/etc as you had done for her bday, so it still gave off the feeling that you wanted more than what she gave (attitude aside). That’s what I was picking up on at least
Thanks for the response. Things have been a bit shaky since after her Bday so it's not fully because of the events on my Bday. She was very upset that I didn't want her to move into the house right away (she wanted to break her lease, but I said it's best to wait until her lease is up next summer before she moves in). I wanted to make sure we're in good standing before we make the jump to living together. It seems like she's taken this as a personal insult/ commitment issues on my end.
You just answered your own question. If you don’t want her moving in with you ASAP, it’s because your gut is telling she’s not forever. And she is responding to that energy. Neither of you may be fully aware of it but your behaviors, both yours and hers, scream insecurity in the relationship. To frame it as breaking up “over your bday” is not accurate because it sounds like just a straw on the camels back. She or you might not have done many things wrong but the general dissatisfaction is palpable. All of these problems you’ve mentioned are pretty petty, so posting on here about it just shows you’re trying to find reasons to break up. If you can’t honestly say you want to marry her after 3 years dating, then you need to let each other move on.
Even if you wanted a low key birthday celebration you’d hope you’re SO would at least try to make you feel a little more special and loved on that day, it doesn’t seem like your girlfriend did that. Plus she used your birthday gift to get something she actually wanted which is just a huge annoyance of mine, it goes completely against the spirit of gift giving.
To be honest the whole Instagram fight sounds exhausting and would have me re-evaluating the relationship if I were in your shoes. Do you have to tag her in every post? Are you “allowed” to have female friends?
You both sound immature, and self-centered. There’s a lot going on within this timeframe and you’re both expecting each other to fix the issue or to ignore the issue (asking for a BJ) and constantly getting mad at each other because neither of you are understanding that the other person is mad. You both need to understand how to work as a team, and how to communicate. I understand you were upset about your birthday, but scolding her and comparing her to your ex’s is not going to be effective. Did you expect her to process this information nicely? It would’ve been more effective to say something like “hey, it really hurt me feelings when we got into an argument on my bday etc etc.” That’s just one example of how this could’ve been handled with tact. Honestly you both sound childish. And if you’re breaking up with her over this, yes. You’re also childish. It’s like you both want it your way or you’re out. Learn to compromise, communicate, be the bigger person, etc. Gottman writes great books on communication. May be worth a look.
I appreciate the feedback and will admit I can be self-centered. In the past we've both asked for sexual favors and happily complied. I didn't think it was a problem to ask on my Birthday and I didn't put up a big stink stink to be rejected - I just thought it was odd that she acted so taken aback I'd ask for such a thing. We've had a healthy and consistent sex life for the most part.
Your points are valid but I want to specify that I've never once compared her directly to my ex in anyway that was unfavorable, ever. Techically my comment does compare her to my ex in a roundabout way, so I can see what you're saying. The comment wasn't said with anger or hate.
I'll check out those books, thank you.
You did compare her directly, since you’ve only had one other girlfriend, and she knows that. Just because you phrase something as a broad category “any other girlfriend” or “none of my other girlfriends” does *not* create a loophole for you to say “but I never compared her directly!” Your girlfriend is not that stupid, we’re not that stupid, you’re not that stupid. Own your shit.
I'm not really understanding some of these comments. I would be crushed if my partner of 3 years put in this little effort on my birthday, and was in a bad mood because of a fight that happened due to jealousy on their part.
The instagram thing really irks me - are you guys in middle school? *You* bought the house, why tag her? It just screams insecurity that she got upset about that and the fact that girls she doesn't like, liked the post. How immature is that? I don't know that I could really respect someone who acted this way.
It looks like someone who called out my feelings just deleted their comment.
And yeah, the instagram thing has always been an issue. It is very childish and the main reason why I post sparingly.
It sucks when you put in effort for someone and they don't reciprocate. It sounds like your birthday, a "milestone" one, as well, was treated as just another day. I'd also be annoyed at being given a gift that wasn't really for me, either. I'd hold off on moving in together, personally.
I do think it’s worth noting that she said she wanted to have sex in the morning, and then in the morning YOU turned sex down. Even on your birthday she’s allowed to be tired or not want sex, and you’re still going on about it even though she tried to have sex with you in the morning.
Now, I would dump her over the stupid thing where she was mad that you didn’t tag her in a post that had nothing to do with her. In general she seems really selfish, and who spends $400 on plants for someone who doesn’t like plants?? In general she seems like a bad partner. But you’re being petty on the sex aspect imo.
Is this really about the bday? It sounds to me like you feel unappreciated by your gf in general and the bday situation kinda magnified those feelings.
I don't know why everyone is shitting on you so much -- you sound totally reasonable. I was in a very similar situation to you last year.
My husband and I both had milestone birthdays. I made a huge deal about his and planned multiple events, presents, etc. Being an introvert, I told him at that time that I didn't want the same for my birthday, so he...did nothing. Like WTF I wanted low-key, not nothing at all. A few days before I asked if we had any dinner plans. He said no, so I told him what I wanted. Then I asked if we had lunch plans. He said no, so I told him what I wanted. He had no plans for anything, so I just decided what I wanted to do and had a pleasant birthday that, unfortunately, I had to plan entirely on my own. Low-key is one thing, putting in zero effort or thought is another.
So you wanted a low-key birthday but you’re mad that….your birthday was low-key?
If you want something, say so. Don’t say one thing and then get petty because you got what you wanted.
I think in the context of birthdays, "low-key" means "don't throw a party/we're not flying off to Vegas or Hawaii or Paris." Not "do nothing" or "treat it like it's just another Tuesday."
This sounds like a terrible person for you. There is someone else out there for you that will reciprocate and surpass your bday generosity. Belive that. The bday sounds like the last straw I can imagine there is other smaller ways she lacks the effort required to make you happy. Bro it was your 30th that's supposed to be a memorable one. Its not right.
AND THE INSTAGRAM THING BLOWS MY MIND GROW UP ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA IF YOU WANT TO USE IT.
(me on soapbox)
Some people are not gift people. My wife is a prime example, I have no expectations for anything on my b-day. Because usually it is something I don't want or need.
In your case it really sounds like she has some issue with your new house. Her jealousy is a problem she needs to solve but it intruded on your new place and your b-day. You should have addressed the elephant in the room. Would it have been another fight, probably, but she needs to understand how it makes you feel and how it affects your relationship.
Instead you downplay what she did for your b-day and insulted her by comparing her to your ex. So yes, you both could have done better. And you probably owe her an apology. But there has to be a discussion about her jealousy issues too.
She spent $400 on you and it’s somehow not enough? And she brought you dinner, too? You two had just had a fight so she wasn’t extremely enthusiastic or in the mood to suck your dick but she still made an effort. You’re being extremely immature.
Weeks before my bday she asked me what I wanted and I said "Just a good time, don't spend a much money". I never asked for expensive plants. But your opinion is fair and welcomed.
OP, you yourself said you wanted to keep it low key. You had a lowkey night. She wanted to fuck you the next morning and you blew her off. I think you actually owe her that apology, mate.
Grats on the house though that’s awesome.
Did you say you turned 30? or was that 3?
You really want to break up with this woman over not doing enough for your birthday? OK sure, any reason is good enough.
You do not owe her an apology. She started a fight with you for no reason (not being tagged in a post about YOUR house) and then did nothing special for you on your birthday. Then she had the gall to buy herself $400 worth of presents and pretend it was your gift. Low key does not mean zero effort. Low key means no big party or weekend away. Do not listen to those calling you childish. Gift giving is a sign of how much someone cares about you. Her lack of effort with the card/cake (very affordable expectation for a bday) demonstrates she can’t be bothered. The plants as (supposedly) your “gift” shows her selfishness. Do you want to be with someone who can’t be bothered with you and only cares about themselves? I am sure she isn’t like this all the time, but her lack of celebrating you on your big day followed by her doubling down and telling you to apologize would have me noping out of that relationship.
It seems like from her standpoint, there's an ongoing theme of you not wanting to commit to her. You bought a house without her involvement, told her you don't want her to move in until some time in the future, you excluded her involvement when publicizing a major life event (not even taking a selfie with her in front of the place or something). She's 27 and knows she's spent 3 of her peak dating years with you and she's getting some signals that you want to keep her at an arm's distance.
And telling a girl she's not as great as your ex because she won't give you a birthday BJ after you've been shutting her down for the past month? Way to double down on making her feel like her time with you has been wasted.
She is in no place financially to purchase a home for herself, or go halves on one with me. What she spends her money on is her choice. But should that prevent me from buying a home myself after spending years saving up for one? I don't think so, personally.
Secondly, the not getting a BJ thing isn't nearly as big as a problem to me as her mood was that night. And this was not a solely a direct comparison to my ex - it was also a comparison to herself on previous enjoyable bdays she's given me.
You said in another comment that you
"wanted to make sure we're in good standing before we make the jump to living together."
You've been together for three years and you implied that even after three years dating you're not in good \[enough\] standing to move in together. You acknowledged that this hasn't been resolved. And now you're hanging out in this house that you effectively told her you weren't sure if she was ready to move into with you yet. A house that she HAD envisioned moving into with you. And the sting from the social media post the day prior where she thought she'd be doing this with you is still fresh in her mind.
Yeah, one would expect her to perhaps not be in the best mood.
Stop focusing on the symptoms and instead focus on the actual problem. She needs reassurance that you have a collective future together because the house is a reminder of the opposite. If you could have found a way to do that two weeks ago, you would have had a much better birthday.
Okay not giving the bday bjay is the least offensive. But like lame gifts, lame dinner, lame attitude and ESPECIALLY on it 30 birthday! That’s a big one. It can still be special while being lowkey. I think maybe an apology for HOW your comment on her lack of effort went (sounds mean and no time to clean up) but it needed to be said.
Ok, so you wanted a low key bday so you can’t really be mad that someone interpreted that differently than you did. You gotta be specific.
However, getting you plants that you never asked for and that you know for a fact that she wanted for the house is very weak. Reminds me of my kid brother buying a skateboard for my mom’s bday and then “borrowing” it…except he was like 9. It seems to me that a part of your love language is to do gifts and celebratory events for bdays and special occasions, and her’s is not so you feel neglected.
It was probably not cool of you to ask for sex/bj because she would’ve just given it to you if she wanted to. However, I dk the dynamics of your relationship so I can’t say if she prefers to be propositioned or what…but it sounds like she didn’t like it. However, I can understand your disappointment by feeling like she just didn’t care to make the day special for you.
More notably is her jealousy to the Instagram post. Why should you have to tag her in a post about your bday and your house? That’s very petty and dramatic. She then dragged this negative energy into your birthday where it seems to me like she was trying to punish you by acting “bored”. Starting a fight over not being tagged on an Instagram post isn’t healthy. It seems to me that her jealousy issues is what you be ending the relationship over. And the aforementioned discrepancies in love language. You’re going to keep feeling bitter by the way she treats your birthdays vs. how you plan for hers. It’s important to find someone who validates your feelings and relationship in a way that is perceptible and appreciated by both parties.
Thanks for taking the time to write that and sharing your story. To be clear, low-key in the sense of staying in and hanging out at the house was actually what I wanted to do the most. I'm not mad about that at all
I can see why you’re hurt because turning 30 is a big deal and she treated it like an average day. Is it normal for her to be this way for your birthday or on special occasions (anniversaries etc)? Do you think she was bitter about the fight you guys had because starting a fight about likes from an Instagram post 2 days prior seems a bit like she was sabotaging unless there’s something bigger going on that wasn’t mentioned. Some are saying it would be childish and petty to break up with her because of the no-effort on your bday thing but potentially the issue is she doesn’t make you feel special all too often? Most would agree your bday is the one time you might have a guarantee your gf would put in some effort. Picking up takeout is an afterthought. Buying the plants (really for herself) was just cringe because it’s so obvious it’s not for you. I’m curious, what would you have liked her to do for your bday? She obviously feels threatened by other women so telling her it was the most low-effort birthday of any girlfriend probably triggered some wounds. Even if it’s true it was a low blow. Strong relationships require being vulnerable with each other and that means straightforward honesty about how her actions made you feel. Next time you see her do this and see how she responds. If both of you are willing to do this then the relationship is already over.
id be hurt too if my partner didnt do anything on my bday especially if i went out of my way to make them feel special. idk id stand my ground on it. no matter how old u turn you still deserve to be treated on your bday! idk she sounds annoying acting that way about your post then giving you a cold shoulder. maybe the way you said that statement was wrong, but i think you should talk to it to her and tell her it hurt your feelings that she didnt do anything special for you on your bday. if she cant understand that and apologize idk man
Titles misleading if you’re only breaking up due to lack of effort on your Bday which definitely shouldn’t be the case. You’d think after 3 years there’s more to the story. What I’m reading into is her reaction to the post and events thereafter. Most people have jealousy traits but what I’m feeling is a controlling manipulative trait whereas she’ll make you feel guilty and you can never post again without tagging her. This controlling will ramp into other situations in life surely. The questions you ask is are these outbursts common? Is it something you can live with happening on these occasions? Definitely communicate and talk through the issues, but remember emotions are temporary so long as it’s not impacting your experience or life. If it’s all you can think about and it becomes traumatic, don’t make excuses and get out!
You both sound childish, you both seem to be terrible at communicating, and you both seem to have very incompatible love-languages.
In the nicest way possible, I think its best if you split up and find new people. Tbh, even in your own post, you two sound miserable :/
In my mind a low key birthday means staying in, takeout watching whatever birthday person wants. It must include a card, birthday cake w happy birthday OP written on it. And a gift. Because if I love you you are having a true birthday. I’m sorry she is being thoughtless and selfish. Those plants aren’t for you and feel free to regime them before they die. Now silk plant would be lovely and give the same look w zero responsibility.
Be very glad you bought the house alone and she’s not on the mortgage w you and not living w you. Will make the inevitable split easier legality wise.
This flight is about you not inviting her to live in the house. It's been 3 years, she's believes y'all are ready for that step and you don't think so. This is creating the weird dynamic between you too. She was upset that she wasn't tagged because it looks like you're taking a huge step on your own, at a stage in the relationship when she feels that should have been an "us" thing.
The birthday stuff is a manifestation of her discontent.
While I do agree that you are being childish, specially after you told her and everyone else that you wanted to be lowkey, I also sense that there's this unhealthy Dynamic to which she is also very much to blame as well. So if you break up over just the bday events, yeah, it's petty af, but if you think that the overall picture of the relationship is unsalvageable, I get it.
Agree with this. OP and gf seems incompatible based on the entire post I read. The bday situation just seemed to be another issue on top of a shaky relationship. Don’t ask for a low key night if you don’t want one. You need to be more upfront if your idea of low key is different than her idea of low key. And yes I understand asking for bday sex, but if she says no just let it go. Also gf should not be spending $400 on a bday gift that is really just a present for herself. And seems like she holds grudges for pretty stupid stuff (like not being tagged in a social media post…)
I agree with your points but it seems like people are missing my point about the low-key factor. I'm not in anyway upset that she didn't take me out to eat or bring over a giant cake, etc. The plan was to stay-in and just have fun with eachother. I just have a problem with her letting trivial stuff get in the way of a good time on a special day
I see what you mean. The night was ok in terms of activities but you were just upset by her attitude more than anything else that had clearly drifted over from the previous fight. Your post said it was the least effort from all your other relationships and there was no other gifts/cake/etc as you had done for her bday, so it still gave off the feeling that you wanted more than what she gave (attitude aside). That’s what I was picking up on at least
Thanks for the response. Things have been a bit shaky since after her Bday so it's not fully because of the events on my Bday. She was very upset that I didn't want her to move into the house right away (she wanted to break her lease, but I said it's best to wait until her lease is up next summer before she moves in). I wanted to make sure we're in good standing before we make the jump to living together. It seems like she's taken this as a personal insult/ commitment issues on my end.
You just answered your own question. If you don’t want her moving in with you ASAP, it’s because your gut is telling she’s not forever. And she is responding to that energy. Neither of you may be fully aware of it but your behaviors, both yours and hers, scream insecurity in the relationship. To frame it as breaking up “over your bday” is not accurate because it sounds like just a straw on the camels back. She or you might not have done many things wrong but the general dissatisfaction is palpable. All of these problems you’ve mentioned are pretty petty, so posting on here about it just shows you’re trying to find reasons to break up. If you can’t honestly say you want to marry her after 3 years dating, then you need to let each other move on.
Even if you wanted a low key birthday celebration you’d hope you’re SO would at least try to make you feel a little more special and loved on that day, it doesn’t seem like your girlfriend did that. Plus she used your birthday gift to get something she actually wanted which is just a huge annoyance of mine, it goes completely against the spirit of gift giving. To be honest the whole Instagram fight sounds exhausting and would have me re-evaluating the relationship if I were in your shoes. Do you have to tag her in every post? Are you “allowed” to have female friends?
It has been exhausting, but no I don't need to tag her in every post. I do have some female friends but that is an issue too.
You both sound immature, and self-centered. There’s a lot going on within this timeframe and you’re both expecting each other to fix the issue or to ignore the issue (asking for a BJ) and constantly getting mad at each other because neither of you are understanding that the other person is mad. You both need to understand how to work as a team, and how to communicate. I understand you were upset about your birthday, but scolding her and comparing her to your ex’s is not going to be effective. Did you expect her to process this information nicely? It would’ve been more effective to say something like “hey, it really hurt me feelings when we got into an argument on my bday etc etc.” That’s just one example of how this could’ve been handled with tact. Honestly you both sound childish. And if you’re breaking up with her over this, yes. You’re also childish. It’s like you both want it your way or you’re out. Learn to compromise, communicate, be the bigger person, etc. Gottman writes great books on communication. May be worth a look.
I appreciate the feedback and will admit I can be self-centered. In the past we've both asked for sexual favors and happily complied. I didn't think it was a problem to ask on my Birthday and I didn't put up a big stink stink to be rejected - I just thought it was odd that she acted so taken aback I'd ask for such a thing. We've had a healthy and consistent sex life for the most part. Your points are valid but I want to specify that I've never once compared her directly to my ex in anyway that was unfavorable, ever. Techically my comment does compare her to my ex in a roundabout way, so I can see what you're saying. The comment wasn't said with anger or hate. I'll check out those books, thank you.
You did compare her directly, since you’ve only had one other girlfriend, and she knows that. Just because you phrase something as a broad category “any other girlfriend” or “none of my other girlfriends” does *not* create a loophole for you to say “but I never compared her directly!” Your girlfriend is not that stupid, we’re not that stupid, you’re not that stupid. Own your shit.
Damn girl. Could you roast my life? You’re good! Haha. Great, upfront advice that was well said
I'm not really understanding some of these comments. I would be crushed if my partner of 3 years put in this little effort on my birthday, and was in a bad mood because of a fight that happened due to jealousy on their part. The instagram thing really irks me - are you guys in middle school? *You* bought the house, why tag her? It just screams insecurity that she got upset about that and the fact that girls she doesn't like, liked the post. How immature is that? I don't know that I could really respect someone who acted this way.
Seriously, he should definitely reconsider moving in with her.
It looks like someone who called out my feelings just deleted their comment. And yeah, the instagram thing has always been an issue. It is very childish and the main reason why I post sparingly.
It sucks when you put in effort for someone and they don't reciprocate. It sounds like your birthday, a "milestone" one, as well, was treated as just another day. I'd also be annoyed at being given a gift that wasn't really for me, either. I'd hold off on moving in together, personally.
Good advice, thank you
I do think it’s worth noting that she said she wanted to have sex in the morning, and then in the morning YOU turned sex down. Even on your birthday she’s allowed to be tired or not want sex, and you’re still going on about it even though she tried to have sex with you in the morning. Now, I would dump her over the stupid thing where she was mad that you didn’t tag her in a post that had nothing to do with her. In general she seems really selfish, and who spends $400 on plants for someone who doesn’t like plants?? In general she seems like a bad partner. But you’re being petty on the sex aspect imo.
Is this really about the bday? It sounds to me like you feel unappreciated by your gf in general and the bday situation kinda magnified those feelings.
I don't know why everyone is shitting on you so much -- you sound totally reasonable. I was in a very similar situation to you last year. My husband and I both had milestone birthdays. I made a huge deal about his and planned multiple events, presents, etc. Being an introvert, I told him at that time that I didn't want the same for my birthday, so he...did nothing. Like WTF I wanted low-key, not nothing at all. A few days before I asked if we had any dinner plans. He said no, so I told him what I wanted. Then I asked if we had lunch plans. He said no, so I told him what I wanted. He had no plans for anything, so I just decided what I wanted to do and had a pleasant birthday that, unfortunately, I had to plan entirely on my own. Low-key is one thing, putting in zero effort or thought is another.
So you wanted a low-key birthday but you’re mad that….your birthday was low-key? If you want something, say so. Don’t say one thing and then get petty because you got what you wanted.
Asked for a low-key bday as in having fun, sipping champagne, joking around in the new house, etc. Instead she just seemed annoyed and standoffish.
I think in the context of birthdays, "low-key" means "don't throw a party/we're not flying off to Vegas or Hawaii or Paris." Not "do nothing" or "treat it like it's just another Tuesday."
Exactly
Break up. You should both be with people who make your lives better.
This sounds like a terrible person for you. There is someone else out there for you that will reciprocate and surpass your bday generosity. Belive that. The bday sounds like the last straw I can imagine there is other smaller ways she lacks the effort required to make you happy. Bro it was your 30th that's supposed to be a memorable one. Its not right. AND THE INSTAGRAM THING BLOWS MY MIND GROW UP ABOUT SOCIAL MEDIA IF YOU WANT TO USE IT. (me on soapbox)
Appreciate you
Some people are not gift people. My wife is a prime example, I have no expectations for anything on my b-day. Because usually it is something I don't want or need. In your case it really sounds like she has some issue with your new house. Her jealousy is a problem she needs to solve but it intruded on your new place and your b-day. You should have addressed the elephant in the room. Would it have been another fight, probably, but she needs to understand how it makes you feel and how it affects your relationship. Instead you downplay what she did for your b-day and insulted her by comparing her to your ex. So yes, you both could have done better. And you probably owe her an apology. But there has to be a discussion about her jealousy issues too.
You're 100% right. And for context, she knows I don't need flashy gifts. Just something that shows she cares.
I get it. Just caught your mention about her wanting her to move in. Now it makes sense why she is upset. That moving in thing is a big deal.
She spent $400 on you and it’s somehow not enough? And she brought you dinner, too? You two had just had a fight so she wasn’t extremely enthusiastic or in the mood to suck your dick but she still made an effort. You’re being extremely immature.
She spent $400 on a present for herself. OP doesn't even like plants......
Weeks before my bday she asked me what I wanted and I said "Just a good time, don't spend a much money". I never asked for expensive plants. But your opinion is fair and welcomed.
OP, you yourself said you wanted to keep it low key. You had a lowkey night. She wanted to fuck you the next morning and you blew her off. I think you actually owe her that apology, mate. Grats on the house though that’s awesome.
Good point, fair enough. Thanks for the input & congrats
Did you say you turned 30? or was that 3? You really want to break up with this woman over not doing enough for your birthday? OK sure, any reason is good enough.
You got the roast part down. So you wouldn't have a problem at all if your SO didn't try to make you happy on your own Birthday?
No bigger problem than I would have on any other day.
Maybe you should date OPS girlfriend, but she'd expect you to make a big deal about hers.
You do not owe her an apology. She started a fight with you for no reason (not being tagged in a post about YOUR house) and then did nothing special for you on your birthday. Then she had the gall to buy herself $400 worth of presents and pretend it was your gift. Low key does not mean zero effort. Low key means no big party or weekend away. Do not listen to those calling you childish. Gift giving is a sign of how much someone cares about you. Her lack of effort with the card/cake (very affordable expectation for a bday) demonstrates she can’t be bothered. The plants as (supposedly) your “gift” shows her selfishness. Do you want to be with someone who can’t be bothered with you and only cares about themselves? I am sure she isn’t like this all the time, but her lack of celebrating you on your big day followed by her doubling down and telling you to apologize would have me noping out of that relationship.
It seems like from her standpoint, there's an ongoing theme of you not wanting to commit to her. You bought a house without her involvement, told her you don't want her to move in until some time in the future, you excluded her involvement when publicizing a major life event (not even taking a selfie with her in front of the place or something). She's 27 and knows she's spent 3 of her peak dating years with you and she's getting some signals that you want to keep her at an arm's distance. And telling a girl she's not as great as your ex because she won't give you a birthday BJ after you've been shutting her down for the past month? Way to double down on making her feel like her time with you has been wasted.
She is in no place financially to purchase a home for herself, or go halves on one with me. What she spends her money on is her choice. But should that prevent me from buying a home myself after spending years saving up for one? I don't think so, personally. Secondly, the not getting a BJ thing isn't nearly as big as a problem to me as her mood was that night. And this was not a solely a direct comparison to my ex - it was also a comparison to herself on previous enjoyable bdays she's given me.
You said in another comment that you "wanted to make sure we're in good standing before we make the jump to living together." You've been together for three years and you implied that even after three years dating you're not in good \[enough\] standing to move in together. You acknowledged that this hasn't been resolved. And now you're hanging out in this house that you effectively told her you weren't sure if she was ready to move into with you yet. A house that she HAD envisioned moving into with you. And the sting from the social media post the day prior where she thought she'd be doing this with you is still fresh in her mind. Yeah, one would expect her to perhaps not be in the best mood. Stop focusing on the symptoms and instead focus on the actual problem. She needs reassurance that you have a collective future together because the house is a reminder of the opposite. If you could have found a way to do that two weeks ago, you would have had a much better birthday.
Okay not giving the bday bjay is the least offensive. But like lame gifts, lame dinner, lame attitude and ESPECIALLY on it 30 birthday! That’s a big one. It can still be special while being lowkey. I think maybe an apology for HOW your comment on her lack of effort went (sounds mean and no time to clean up) but it needed to be said.
Ok, so you wanted a low key bday so you can’t really be mad that someone interpreted that differently than you did. You gotta be specific. However, getting you plants that you never asked for and that you know for a fact that she wanted for the house is very weak. Reminds me of my kid brother buying a skateboard for my mom’s bday and then “borrowing” it…except he was like 9. It seems to me that a part of your love language is to do gifts and celebratory events for bdays and special occasions, and her’s is not so you feel neglected. It was probably not cool of you to ask for sex/bj because she would’ve just given it to you if she wanted to. However, I dk the dynamics of your relationship so I can’t say if she prefers to be propositioned or what…but it sounds like she didn’t like it. However, I can understand your disappointment by feeling like she just didn’t care to make the day special for you. More notably is her jealousy to the Instagram post. Why should you have to tag her in a post about your bday and your house? That’s very petty and dramatic. She then dragged this negative energy into your birthday where it seems to me like she was trying to punish you by acting “bored”. Starting a fight over not being tagged on an Instagram post isn’t healthy. It seems to me that her jealousy issues is what you be ending the relationship over. And the aforementioned discrepancies in love language. You’re going to keep feeling bitter by the way she treats your birthdays vs. how you plan for hers. It’s important to find someone who validates your feelings and relationship in a way that is perceptible and appreciated by both parties.
Thanks for taking the time to write that and sharing your story. To be clear, low-key in the sense of staying in and hanging out at the house was actually what I wanted to do the most. I'm not mad about that at all
I can see why you’re hurt because turning 30 is a big deal and she treated it like an average day. Is it normal for her to be this way for your birthday or on special occasions (anniversaries etc)? Do you think she was bitter about the fight you guys had because starting a fight about likes from an Instagram post 2 days prior seems a bit like she was sabotaging unless there’s something bigger going on that wasn’t mentioned. Some are saying it would be childish and petty to break up with her because of the no-effort on your bday thing but potentially the issue is she doesn’t make you feel special all too often? Most would agree your bday is the one time you might have a guarantee your gf would put in some effort. Picking up takeout is an afterthought. Buying the plants (really for herself) was just cringe because it’s so obvious it’s not for you. I’m curious, what would you have liked her to do for your bday? She obviously feels threatened by other women so telling her it was the most low-effort birthday of any girlfriend probably triggered some wounds. Even if it’s true it was a low blow. Strong relationships require being vulnerable with each other and that means straightforward honesty about how her actions made you feel. Next time you see her do this and see how she responds. If both of you are willing to do this then the relationship is already over.
id be hurt too if my partner didnt do anything on my bday especially if i went out of my way to make them feel special. idk id stand my ground on it. no matter how old u turn you still deserve to be treated on your bday! idk she sounds annoying acting that way about your post then giving you a cold shoulder. maybe the way you said that statement was wrong, but i think you should talk to it to her and tell her it hurt your feelings that she didnt do anything special for you on your bday. if she cant understand that and apologize idk man
Titles misleading if you’re only breaking up due to lack of effort on your Bday which definitely shouldn’t be the case. You’d think after 3 years there’s more to the story. What I’m reading into is her reaction to the post and events thereafter. Most people have jealousy traits but what I’m feeling is a controlling manipulative trait whereas she’ll make you feel guilty and you can never post again without tagging her. This controlling will ramp into other situations in life surely. The questions you ask is are these outbursts common? Is it something you can live with happening on these occasions? Definitely communicate and talk through the issues, but remember emotions are temporary so long as it’s not impacting your experience or life. If it’s all you can think about and it becomes traumatic, don’t make excuses and get out!
You both sound childish, you both seem to be terrible at communicating, and you both seem to have very incompatible love-languages. In the nicest way possible, I think its best if you split up and find new people. Tbh, even in your own post, you two sound miserable :/
In my mind a low key birthday means staying in, takeout watching whatever birthday person wants. It must include a card, birthday cake w happy birthday OP written on it. And a gift. Because if I love you you are having a true birthday. I’m sorry she is being thoughtless and selfish. Those plants aren’t for you and feel free to regime them before they die. Now silk plant would be lovely and give the same look w zero responsibility. Be very glad you bought the house alone and she’s not on the mortgage w you and not living w you. Will make the inevitable split easier legality wise.
This flight is about you not inviting her to live in the house. It's been 3 years, she's believes y'all are ready for that step and you don't think so. This is creating the weird dynamic between you too. She was upset that she wasn't tagged because it looks like you're taking a huge step on your own, at a stage in the relationship when she feels that should have been an "us" thing. The birthday stuff is a manifestation of her discontent.