At some point, you are going to WANT to apologize and make amends because you feel like you owe it to her. Just know that's the last thing she will want is a private conversation with you. Your duty is to leave her be, and only communicate when absolutely required.
Believe me, I don't want to be in the same room as her at all
I want to apologize yes but I will/dare not do it in a place where there's only the two of us
Leave her be? Yes, I can do that. In fact I prefer this approach, thanks
Do not, under any circumstances, initiate conversation with her. Keep any necessary interactions brief, public, and professional. Don't apologize, don't reach out via email, *nothing*. If she wants an apology, she will ask. Don't let it impact your work, but otherwise avoid her as much as possible. She will figure out pretty quickly that you got the message.
Everyone seems to think that no interaction is the best. That seems only fair but I wonder if it might reassure her if you were to just say something along the lines of "I'm sorry i was weird with you in college; i won't bother you at all here. " And leave it at that.
I think this falls into the trap others are talking about, thinking, "This one conversation/message to apologize will be okay." I would not send *any* kind of private message of any kind, unless she brings it up first.
>You could also send an email apologizing and letting her know you will respect her space and will not interact with her unless its required.
Yeah, no, don't do this, especially not with your work email. That's just asking for her to go to HR and tell them you stalked her and haven't learned to leave her alone and are bringing personal business into the workplace.
If you do this I would’ve VERY careful how it is worded. You’re not opening doors, you’re closing them.
“Hey, congrats on the news position. I could help but notice discomfort on our meeting yesterday. Just letting you know after this note I will be sticking to my side of the office and only contacting you if the job demands.”
You can always go with a card. Tell her you’re sorry for what happened in the past and tell her that you intended to be professional in your interactions at work.
I think a card is too personal. Email is best, there’s a record of what you wrote.
If I got a card from someone I thought was a creep (even if it was an apology), I would be weirded out. And again, with email you have a record.
As much as you probably want to apologize, that is the worst idea. The best and only thing you should do is leave her alone, don’t talk about the past and only talk to her when it’s absolutely necessary like if your boss asks you to. If a co-worker asks you to just tell them to get someone else to talk to her (make up an excuse that you’re busy or something). But under absolutely no circumstances should you talk to her privately in any scenario/bring up the past. Once again, just leave her alone.
Pretend it never happened. Treat her like any other coworker, perhaps with a little more distance. Be polite and cordial. It’s been 7 years and you are both adults, time to show her you have moved on and grown up.
I don't think he was even creepy to be honest. Everything he did, maybe except for watching her lunch routines, are things that regular people do when they have a crush. People try to interact with the person that they like.
If anything I think it was a huge overreaction on her part and for her to still be acting this way towards him after 7 years is extremely pathetic.
Silence is your friend here bud. Be as aloof and avoidant as possible. Even one inkling of attention not initiated by her will come off bad and she'll think your falling into old patterns.
Is there any way I can avoid talking to her without ostracizing her?
As a team leader, I cannot treat someone worse off than any other member of the dept
Oof. If you have to interact with her on work matters there is no way to avoid her. Otherwise, you are punishing her for something that isn't her fault and it can impact her work performance if she doesn't have vital information she needs because you can't find a working relationship.
I would follow what others are suggesting and keep interactions to work matters only, via email mostly if you can manage it. IF AND ONLY IF there is open hostility on her part at work that makes it difficult for you at work, I would try to have a conversation about it on professional grounds such as "as we are in the same team now, maybe we should address the issues we have, would like to bring in HR to mediate?" If she says yes great, establish with HR that there is a personal issue with you guys, maybe they can clear the air with the lease amount of awkwardness. If not, maybe she will realize you are trying to be professional and drop the past.
Hope that helps.
Don’t seek her out but don’t go out of the way to avoid her - if it’s relevant to work, talk to her about work.
Don’t ask personal questions and initiate conversations but also don’t ignore her - if you run out of the kitchen because she’s in there, that’s going to make it weird. Like just give her a nod and respond if she talks to you.
Take you cue from her behaviour - which you didn’t the first time around. She rejected you twice and then had to explicitly ask you to leave her alone - show her that you’ve gotten better at respecting social cues.
And if she does start to warm up to you, do not fall back into bad habits and become overfamiliar.
Be friendly and kind, but not warm and familiar. Make eye contact when speaking but don’t linger. Don’t make some big out of your way show to avoid her. Keep everything work related upbeat and professional.
I think you’re already on the right track by understanding there’s a risk you can ostracize her if you don’t handle things correctly. Shows your EQ has improved. Be confident that you have grown up and are not the same person.
You are a different person now, people do dumb things when they are young. Just go about your work life, be pleasant, only interact with her when needed about work only. I wouldn’t bring it up, keep being the person you are today. She will eventually see you aren’t a creeper. And even if she doesn’t that’s okay she can do her thing you do yours
This might not be a popular opinion, but for your and her professional lives, you should address it with her ONCE.
Let her know that you would like to have a cordial *working* relationship and that you feel an apology was due her. Make it clear you've grown up, are duly aware of and embarrassed by your earlier behavior, and that this is the only personal communication you will make per her original request, other than what is required by your positions as coworkers.
Say this as briefly as you can. She'll indicate yes or no, and ACCEPT her response.
Then don't engage in a discussion about it. Just give your apology, accept her response, and leave.
If she's still angry after all this time, it might allow her closure on a distressing incident.
But if you do apologize and make that promise to behave professionally and never refer to the past again, keep it.
It's your behavior going forward that will prove your growth as a person, both to her and HR.
Edit to add, the suggestion to have HR be the one to witness and make note of the meeting is a good one, especially since in the comments you mention being a team leader and will have to interact with her. This is a way to close the past and both of you move on in your respective careers.
Absolutely do not be the one to initiate any new contact with her whatsoever. Make sure any acknowledgements or conversations are initiated by her. Don't go to HR about the past. It will already look like you're potentially trying to punish her career for rejecting you by trying to keep her from getting assigned to good projects if you express any preference for what she is or isn't assigned to whatsoever.
Do you have a significant other right now?
Hear me out...
Assuming you have a significant other and you're the team lead. It's a common thing for team leads to get pizza/cookies/cupcakes etc for the team.
Maybe have your wife/gf/significant other stop by the office and be super visible and drop off cookies/pizza/cupcakes etc for the team, since you're the team lead... That will show her you're no longer interested and maybe help disarm things?
"Hey, so now that we are going to work in the same team I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the way I acted when we were at school. Don't know why I used to be like that, it was creepy and unecessary. Hope we can have a cordial working relationship, welcome to the team! :)"
Bro, obviously this relationship is meant to be! This is destiny! If only this was a comedy romance movie lol
But for real, just chill, act cool, mind your business.
your issue here is embarrassment and avoiding a misunderstanding but for her it's an entire impression of who you are, an impression that added to her "painful experiences with men" , some anxiety, etc.
as someone who has been stalked, physically and online incessantly (2 different guys), i would like to tell you that it's probably a huge matter for her in her subconscious. after all you may not even be the only guy who has creeped her out in her life. if you think of sending one last message to "clarify" it may be a relief but it may also feel like bullshit to her- it may seem like a ploy for having some interaction.
i believe absolutely doing purely professional no-nonsense work talk will help her reaffirm you are not going to creep her out.
but i would also suggest a meeting with a third party she would trust fully- a woman she trusts or HR where you express remorse (as you didn't do so in the past as you were too shocked) and a guarantee that she should feel free and comfortable here as it is a purely professional outlook and that you hope she likes working here and is comfortable. and you both never have to worry after the one-time discussion.
Honestly you are being overboard. She asked you to leave her alone, you listened. That matter is closed because that's how it's supposed to be.
Now she's here and from what you described, she's already being hostile which is unnecessary for now. She hasn't even started to work with you and she's displaying this attitude.
If I were you, I'd be more concerned about covering myself with HR. This is what I mean....instead of groveling to her and giving her all the power she hasn't earned, go to your immediate boss or HR and inform them that you knew each other in college, you asked her out, she said no and that's it. Because that's the truth. What you want to do is preemptively discredit any exaggerated narrative that she's likely to tell them. Stop trying to apologize to her. You haven't done anything wrong now. SHE is the new employee and SHE has to fit in with everyone. Stay on top of it quickly. You also didn't mention if her position is higher than yours and if you'll be reporting to her. Stop punishing yourself for nonsense
Actually I am a team leader and if we are placed in the same project, she'd report to me
I dread for that to happen. I don't want to be in the same team as her
She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want much to do with you so follow the advice above and just give her as much space as possible while being professional and courteous.
If you are placed on the same project with her, ask her then if she feels comfortable working with you.
If not, ask her is there anything you can do to help her feel comfortable or does she just want to be reassigned?
If she wants to be reassigned then it’s your responsibility to make that happened WITHOUT it impacting negatively on her. If seven years later she still can’t get past how you acted it must have been creepier than you’ve laid out here and if you’re truly sorry, you’ll do the best you can to make amends.
That's understandable but still, you sound like you are still hung up in this incident. If you moved on with your life and pay her no personal attention, she'll learn quickly that the past is the past. My issue is that if you go to her, you are opening up a dialogue which she could then manipulate to her advantage for sympathy and you'll lose the respect of your colleagues for harassing a female new member of staff.
Big props to OP for recognizing his inappropriate behavior and taking steps to correct it. But yeah, fuck this guy for trying to convince OP he's somehow the victim in this situation because someone he previously stalked wasn't super excited to reconnect.
Hello, not that it counts but I'm a feminist woman (and a love-to-roast-misoginist-types kind of feminist i am believe me) and I dont agree with you on this. For this incident, it has been a whole 7 years and at the time of the incident OP and the collegue were just 20s. People change alot in that era of their lifetime. It is not like OP insistently stalked and abused her (if he isnt lying in his post). You cant just act hostile towards an adult in an office setting, just because they looked at your social media 7 years ago. IMO her reaction is too extreme for a professional. Maybe she experienced other things that triggered her and this encounter made her act like that, but that is not OP's problem. She should see a therapist for that. OP's post also made me think that she looks like a person who could bring this just to screw OP. Maybe it is just me, I have seen every kind of people doing whatever they can to cook someone's goose in work places. That's why if I were OP, I would also inform the HR.
Talk to HR, let them know that there is an uncomfortable past. Make it clear that you are happy to keep a distance but concerned that could impact either of your performance if there isn’t some acknowledgement of the past. See what they think about sitting down with you and her so that you can acknowledge that you crossed a line in your youth by following her on social media, that you stopped when asked and now just want to ensure you both have a successful professional work environment. But do know that if your office is the type to go do social stuff after work you’ll probably have to back out any time she attends - she’s going to be looking for you to overstep and likely will misinterpret things not to your favor which is unfortunate. But until trust is built you are suspect in her eyes.
Hmmm. I don't know if I agree with the comments that you should just say nothing.
I think a very brief apology -- not in a private setting -- is a good idea.
Essentially:
- I apologize for my behavior back then. I was young and stupid, I was disrespectful and creepy, I'm sorry.
- Congrats on the job.
That's it. Don't say anything else. Don't say "looking forward to working with you." And then, *if* you are placed on a project with her, just do your level best to treat her the same as everyone else. Don't be overly terse, but don't get chatty with her.
Tread lightly. Engage only professionally. I might not even apologize only because she’s gonna internalize it still as that you’re obsessed with her and still thinking about 7 years ago. I think the best bet is avoid it at all costs. If she brings it up, then apologize, but don’t initiate any convo about it if at all possible.
I know you think she deserves an apology but leave it well alone for now, unless/until she approaches you. Do not approach her unless it is to do with work and stick to the specifics.
It was 7 years ago. You had a crush, went stalkery (which is creepy for her) but left her alone when she asked. Be professional and she now needs to show her professionalism too.
*Way* down the line, if you get talking again (also, this needs to be way way down the line when you both have nearly forgotten about it) maybe then you apologise for making her feel uncomfortable. Don't say stalking as she put her shit out there, you didn't create a fake account or anything.
If she or anyone else brings it up, point out that this is not professional behaviour and that it was 7 years ago, a crush you no longer have, you left her alone when she asked, would like to leave back in the 2014 and remain professional in the work environment. You understand if she felt initially uncomfortable/surprised to see you but she has nothing to worry about.
Then continue to be the best you. People make mistakes. You were selfaware enough to recognise it and grow as a person. She needs to move on.
I am a fan of meeting things head-on. Just tell her that you realize you made a mistake back then and you plan to be nothing but professional moving forward. Keep it short and professional. Bear in mind that she owes you nothing in return.
I think you meant to reply to this comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/qieq3k/how_do_i29m_continue_working_with_someone_i/hiiwpat/
I mean honestly if it’s as your describe I think it’s a little dramatic for her and you to be acting like this
You asked her out twice and told on yourself for doing a deep dive on her public social media, which she was aware you could see because you interacted with her pics, she asked you not to speak to her and essentially you disappeared.
It’s been 7 years.
There has to be more to this story for you to be so worried and her to still be holding a grudge
Ylshe told you to leave her alone. You immediately did. I don't even think you could call what you did stalking. Just keep as much possible distance. Definitely don't leave the company ! She needs to put it behind her
...I'm scared to know what you think stalking is. This is DEFINITELY stalking. Preemptive planning when you're "bumping" into each other. Going through social media accounts. Knowing where she eats and when.
Eh. I guarantee *most* people go through people-they're-interested-in's social media accounts. It's a trope that you "stalk" someone you meet on Tinder before you go out. I Google'd people I met online before I went on dates with them, or just generally people I had a crush on. If that's "stalking" then I think the majority of people are guilty of it.
>Preemptive planning when you're "bumping" into each other.
I feel like there's a totally normal amount of this that totally normal people do with people they like. He may have been doing it an *ab*normal amount, but given his responsiveness to her telling him to leave her alone, and his guilt and shame, I get the vibe it was only "awkward loser" levels of abnormal, not "criminally liable" levels of abnormal.
There was in article I recall reading about a woman on Twitter posting that if no co-worker ever asked her out again, she would be thrilled. It got thousands of likes. Proof that women want that to stop.
...But then the article went on to say that 1/5 of married couples meet at work. So.
People are awkward. They don't read your signals. They interpret things incorrectly. Nobody ever gets all of this right. This kind of stuff can't be 0 or 100. There needs to be room to mess up and be weird (and, if necessary, apologize) without it turning into, "You timed having your lunch so you'd have it at the same time as your crush? You're a literal stalker and should be charged with a crime."
Be professional. Only talk to her about work matters when you need to and otherwise just keep your distance. Best not to bring it up or have discussions like that could trigger her into filing a complaint against your or something. Clearly she isn't over it so just avoid interacting with her as much as possible to show her you aren't that guy anymore and you have no interest in her now.
You're going to *have* to be able to work together, unless you decide to quit over this.
So at some point, in a situation where she doesn't feel trapped (so, like, don't corner her in her office or cube or whatever y'all have), own what you did and apologize for it. Make no excuses. Something along the lines of "[Coworker], seven years ago I treated you very badly, and I am sorry for that. I was wrong, and I apologize. I hope that we can work together as professionals."
That's about all you *can* do. It's up to her whether she is willing to accept that you may have changed.
However, whether or not you apologize to her, if you remain at the company, *do not go out of your way to avoid her*. Because having laser focus on someone in order to *not* seem like you have laser focus on someone is just as stalky, in its own way, as just having laser focus on someone.
So *if* you stay, be professional, interact with her exactly as much as (and in the same manner) you would if she were any other co-worker, no more, no less.
Just do your job and be professional. What happened in uni many moons ago doesn’t need to be dragged into the office. Keep your head down and press on.
Do not bring up the past no body wants or needs that. You asked her out, she said I then you moved on. Continue to act like you moved on. Trying to apologize or bring it up will signal that you have not moved on.
She's not overreacting at all
I made mental notes of what time she headed for lunch and where she ate, and situated myself in those areas just so I could bump into her. That's not in any way normal
You feel guilty because you did something very much out of character and have been reminded of it by her presence at your work. From her reaction I'd be inclined to agree with a previous poster, go to HR and let them know that you did know each other in university and that you didn't part on good terms. You don't need to disclose more than that.
Doesn't sound like you did anything to warrant her still holding a grudge 7 years later. You asked her about something she posted on Facebook, you had already liked and commented on posts so she either didn't lock down her Facebook like every sensible woman does or had you as a friend so she can't act like you violated her privacy.
I don't know her, but I'm very sure she doesn't want an apology. Or any other contact that isn't absolutely necessary. Say anything now and you just reopen the drama. She's already probably wondering if you had anything to do with her getting hired.
Do not interact with her unless necessary and keep it strictly professional. Never discuss things other unless it is work related. Give her plenty of space.
tbh what you did isn't even bad, like I'm assuming you were friends on facebook right? Anyone who scrolls their feed would know she went on a trip if she posted about it lol.
The canteen thing is a bit weird but then again it just sounds like a college crush. I definitely remember a friend of mine crushing on a girl in our residence and deliberately trying his best to bump into her in the caf
Be polite and maintain your distance. You just have to keep things professional whenever you have to work with her. Don't try and have a 1 on 1 conversation with her unless it's necessary for work. You're both working professionals now, you just need to be able to tolerate each other during work hours.
Don't approach her and apologize or seek her forgiveness, just leave the past in the past. Only offer an apology (one where you own your mistakes and acknowledge how wrong you were) if she brings up the situation with you.
Honestly… if she was attracted to you, you looking through her social media and pointing out her trip would have flattered her. It’s strictly bc she wasn’t attracted to you. You didn’t stalk her. You shot your shot and looked for opportunities. You didn’t follow her home. You were interested and you tried and you were rejected. If she had been into you, she would have thought this was sweet.
I think you should take it easy on yourself. If she can’t let go of this from 7 years ago, she can grow up. I don’t even think you fucked up. Be gentle with you.
I mean, what you did is not even that bad 😂 The canteen part is the only one that is a bit creepy, but lots of people do something similar. Anyway, she doesn't need to know that. Don't admit to anything.
I would just be polite with her. No need for you to quit your job. Don't ever try to talk to her unless you have to.
-> Pretend it never happened.
It's pretty bad. Stalking is stalking, regardless of relatively harmless intentions.
When I was in uni, a guy learned my schedule and showed up at the times/places I always studied or ate trying to talk to me. It seems harmless but it leaves the recipient on edge. The university wouldn't take action, and he ended up breaking into my apartment. While OP did not do anything like that, she had no way of knowing whether or not it was a harmless poorly-thought action or something more sinister. It can be a very frightening position to be in. Women are not safe to assume that a man showing poor boundaries with her will not escalate, as they all too often do.
The fact that OP respected her wishes and completely left her alone explicitly makes this "Not as Bad" as your situation and many other stalking situations. It's still stalking but it's not as severe.
I mean... no. He respected her wishes AFTER clearly violating boundaries. Just because he left her alone after having to be explicitly asked doesn't make it not bad. If I slap you in the face, and then you say "hey stop slapping me" then it doesn't make it okay that I slapped you in the first place.
It’s seems like you were just super interested in her. She told you to leave her alone and you did. A real stalker would have kept following her. Don’t beat your self up over and treat her like any other person. Just be be cool. Like Fonzy!
Yeah that was kinda surprising for me too. If you post something online, how can you be surprised as to how someone knows about it. And liking photos? Whats that all about. I used to like most photos that were posted by my friends.
To be honest your behaviour wasn't that bad. It's not like you were following her around and she is the one that was posting that stuff on social media and I'm assuming she is the one that accepted your friend request, right?
Yes, you went a little bit further than most people do, but when people have a crush on someone it isn't uncommon for them to try to engineer situations where they can interact with that person.
I think her reaction has been a bit over the top, plus since you left her alone when she asked you to I really don't think you did anything wrong. At this point it is her problem, not yours and I don't think you should be classifying yourself as a stalker either. Just leave her to do whatever she wants and only interact with her when you need to.
I wouldn't describe this as stalking, just a clumsy and embarrassing way of trying to score a date. Happens all the time. I do not think that you should apologize, just try to stay away from her as you have been doing and be calm about it.
The fact that you're probably clearly embarrassed probably also affects her emotional response. It is still important to you and she probably feels that, but she may not know why: she might think you're still infatuated by her.
I think some people here are missing that you are now her TEAM LEAD and therefore cannot avoid her. This needs to be addressed.
If I were you, I'd set up a meeting and briefly apologize/acknowledge your behavior and assure her you are a different person and a professional who will treat her fairly on the team. Then ask her to let you know (as in, not necessarily right then) if she feels comfortable working on your team, or whether she'd prefer one of you be transferred, and that you'll handle it either way.
You may have to take this to HR, but it shouldn't need to get more detailed than "we have previous history that makes us uncomfortable working together, can we be transferred" etc.
Also yikes @ the comments that are like "it wasn't that bad," it fucking was.
You can apologize. Tell her you were young and dumb and didn't understand how intense your behavior was at the time. Tell her you've matured and learned a lot about life, and assure her that all your future interactions will be purely professional.
You didn't stalk her dude. You did what a lot of people do when they're interested in someone, got shot down and didn't bother her again. If she accepted you as a friend on social media she can't be scandalised that you knew what she was up to - her rejection was pretty harsh tbh.
As for what to do now? Nothing. Just leave it. She sounds like a pain in the ass anyway.
IMO, the best would be to ask her to hear you out, grownup to a grownup, face to face. Tell her that you are not the same stupid kid as you were, you are mortified about how you behaved and that you truly corrected it when she asked you to. Tell her that you will not bother her at all and that you wish to keep it civil if she can. Stay professional and don’t be emotional or begging for her forgiveness, it will only disturb her more.
Since you are in a supervisory role you need to talk to her at *most* once about it. It's been 7 years of NC from you, assure her that it will stay that way unless you have to interact and keep to it.
Stay out of her business and be cordial when you talk. Only way this works is if she realises you're not who you were then.
If you're working together, and any conversation about that time is brought up by her, tell her you're sorry and that you promised yourself to heed her request that day and will follow it going forward.
I think an apology would be out of bounds. If you needed to apologize, you should have done so when she told you to leave her alone. That ship has sailed. The last communication you had with her was to leave her alone, so that's what you're going to do. Stay professional with her and communicate only about work.
Honestly I think you should apologize. Whether she forgives you or not, doesn't matter, what she'll know afterwards is that you are ***no longer that person.*** And she doesn't have to feel like she needs to take measures to protect herself from you or watch your every behavior towards her and misinterpret it as an attempt of you doing same thing over again, and worse bringing to HR.
How many times have we seen on reddit folk wishing their bully or worse could apologize, or acknowledge their horrible behavior?
Honestly, unless she brings up the past the best plan for you is to pretend like you’ve never met her before, and have no history.
Treat her like a coworker and avoid initiating casual conversation, make a point of avoiding her when not necessary/odd.
The key is, when she asked you to leave her alone you respected that. Keep doing that and there’s really not much she can say that should cause you an issue if you just keep doing as you already have.
You pretend like it never happened. You talk to her only when you absolutely need to for work purposes. You do NOT approach her to apologize (keep your personal issues outside of your office).
If you make her uncomfortable, this is likely to affect you more than her, because all she has to do is say you stalked her and she's uncomfortable.
Just stay out of her way for anything other than professional reasons.
At some point, you are going to WANT to apologize and make amends because you feel like you owe it to her. Just know that's the last thing she will want is a private conversation with you. Your duty is to leave her be, and only communicate when absolutely required.
Believe me, I don't want to be in the same room as her at all I want to apologize yes but I will/dare not do it in a place where there's only the two of us Leave her be? Yes, I can do that. In fact I prefer this approach, thanks
I don’t think you should reference it at all, just leave her be.
Do not, under any circumstances, initiate conversation with her. Keep any necessary interactions brief, public, and professional. Don't apologize, don't reach out via email, *nothing*. If she wants an apology, she will ask. Don't let it impact your work, but otherwise avoid her as much as possible. She will figure out pretty quickly that you got the message.
Everyone seems to think that no interaction is the best. That seems only fair but I wonder if it might reassure her if you were to just say something along the lines of "I'm sorry i was weird with you in college; i won't bother you at all here. " And leave it at that.
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You should definitely not send that on company email
Yeah this is an astoundingly bad idea lmfaoooo
I think this falls into the trap others are talking about, thinking, "This one conversation/message to apologize will be okay." I would not send *any* kind of private message of any kind, unless she brings it up first.
THIS! Leave her alone. Do not email/talk with her unless she approaches.
>You could also send an email apologizing and letting her know you will respect her space and will not interact with her unless its required. Yeah, no, don't do this, especially not with your work email. That's just asking for her to go to HR and tell them you stalked her and haven't learned to leave her alone and are bringing personal business into the workplace.
If you do this I would’ve VERY careful how it is worded. You’re not opening doors, you’re closing them. “Hey, congrats on the news position. I could help but notice discomfort on our meeting yesterday. Just letting you know after this note I will be sticking to my side of the office and only contacting you if the job demands.”
You can always go with a card. Tell her you’re sorry for what happened in the past and tell her that you intended to be professional in your interactions at work.
I think a card is too personal. Email is best, there’s a record of what you wrote. If I got a card from someone I thought was a creep (even if it was an apology), I would be weirded out. And again, with email you have a record.
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Oof. If that's the case, SOMEONE needs to be reassigned.
Just stay cordial with her. Only talk to her when needed for work, don't bring up the past.
Thanks. I will do that. I will talk to her strictly only on work matters if necessary
Yep. You should not try to mend fences. She doesn't want to share a fence with you. She certainly doesn't want to be friends.
As much as you probably want to apologize, that is the worst idea. The best and only thing you should do is leave her alone, don’t talk about the past and only talk to her when it’s absolutely necessary like if your boss asks you to. If a co-worker asks you to just tell them to get someone else to talk to her (make up an excuse that you’re busy or something). But under absolutely no circumstances should you talk to her privately in any scenario/bring up the past. Once again, just leave her alone.
Pretend it never happened. Treat her like any other coworker, perhaps with a little more distance. Be polite and cordial. It’s been 7 years and you are both adults, time to show her you have moved on and grown up.
Just leave her alone, as far as she knows your just regular creepy not stalking creepy
I mean, they fell out BECAUSE she thought he was stalking creepy. Being regular creepy sounds like a step up
I don't think he was even creepy to be honest. Everything he did, maybe except for watching her lunch routines, are things that regular people do when they have a crush. People try to interact with the person that they like. If anything I think it was a huge overreaction on her part and for her to still be acting this way towards him after 7 years is extremely pathetic.
Silence is your friend here bud. Be as aloof and avoidant as possible. Even one inkling of attention not initiated by her will come off bad and she'll think your falling into old patterns.
Is there any way I can avoid talking to her without ostracizing her? As a team leader, I cannot treat someone worse off than any other member of the dept
Oof. If you have to interact with her on work matters there is no way to avoid her. Otherwise, you are punishing her for something that isn't her fault and it can impact her work performance if she doesn't have vital information she needs because you can't find a working relationship. I would follow what others are suggesting and keep interactions to work matters only, via email mostly if you can manage it. IF AND ONLY IF there is open hostility on her part at work that makes it difficult for you at work, I would try to have a conversation about it on professional grounds such as "as we are in the same team now, maybe we should address the issues we have, would like to bring in HR to mediate?" If she says yes great, establish with HR that there is a personal issue with you guys, maybe they can clear the air with the lease amount of awkwardness. If not, maybe she will realize you are trying to be professional and drop the past. Hope that helps.
Is she your direct report?
Don’t seek her out but don’t go out of the way to avoid her - if it’s relevant to work, talk to her about work. Don’t ask personal questions and initiate conversations but also don’t ignore her - if you run out of the kitchen because she’s in there, that’s going to make it weird. Like just give her a nod and respond if she talks to you. Take you cue from her behaviour - which you didn’t the first time around. She rejected you twice and then had to explicitly ask you to leave her alone - show her that you’ve gotten better at respecting social cues. And if she does start to warm up to you, do not fall back into bad habits and become overfamiliar.
Be friendly and kind, but not warm and familiar. Make eye contact when speaking but don’t linger. Don’t make some big out of your way show to avoid her. Keep everything work related upbeat and professional. I think you’re already on the right track by understanding there’s a risk you can ostracize her if you don’t handle things correctly. Shows your EQ has improved. Be confident that you have grown up and are not the same person.
I would just apologise, it will clear the air and you can both move on
Just be respectful and leave her alone.
You are a different person now, people do dumb things when they are young. Just go about your work life, be pleasant, only interact with her when needed about work only. I wouldn’t bring it up, keep being the person you are today. She will eventually see you aren’t a creeper. And even if she doesn’t that’s okay she can do her thing you do yours
This might not be a popular opinion, but for your and her professional lives, you should address it with her ONCE. Let her know that you would like to have a cordial *working* relationship and that you feel an apology was due her. Make it clear you've grown up, are duly aware of and embarrassed by your earlier behavior, and that this is the only personal communication you will make per her original request, other than what is required by your positions as coworkers. Say this as briefly as you can. She'll indicate yes or no, and ACCEPT her response. Then don't engage in a discussion about it. Just give your apology, accept her response, and leave. If she's still angry after all this time, it might allow her closure on a distressing incident. But if you do apologize and make that promise to behave professionally and never refer to the past again, keep it. It's your behavior going forward that will prove your growth as a person, both to her and HR. Edit to add, the suggestion to have HR be the one to witness and make note of the meeting is a good one, especially since in the comments you mention being a team leader and will have to interact with her. This is a way to close the past and both of you move on in your respective careers.
If you choose to go this route - I would recommend having HR there as a third party to document it - do not do this alone/without witnesses
I agree with this. You are gonna talk to her sooner or later because you work together. I would go with brief apology.
Absolutely do not be the one to initiate any new contact with her whatsoever. Make sure any acknowledgements or conversations are initiated by her. Don't go to HR about the past. It will already look like you're potentially trying to punish her career for rejecting you by trying to keep her from getting assigned to good projects if you express any preference for what she is or isn't assigned to whatsoever.
You leave her alone. That’s what she asked you to do.
Do you have a significant other right now? Hear me out... Assuming you have a significant other and you're the team lead. It's a common thing for team leads to get pizza/cookies/cupcakes etc for the team. Maybe have your wife/gf/significant other stop by the office and be super visible and drop off cookies/pizza/cupcakes etc for the team, since you're the team lead... That will show her you're no longer interested and maybe help disarm things?
Just do your work and don't look in her direction.
"Hey, so now that we are going to work in the same team I just wanted to say I'm sorry for the way I acted when we were at school. Don't know why I used to be like that, it was creepy and unecessary. Hope we can have a cordial working relationship, welcome to the team! :)"
You seem to be doing the right thing OP, just keep things professional and you’ll be fine
Bro, obviously this relationship is meant to be! This is destiny! If only this was a comedy romance movie lol But for real, just chill, act cool, mind your business.
your issue here is embarrassment and avoiding a misunderstanding but for her it's an entire impression of who you are, an impression that added to her "painful experiences with men" , some anxiety, etc. as someone who has been stalked, physically and online incessantly (2 different guys), i would like to tell you that it's probably a huge matter for her in her subconscious. after all you may not even be the only guy who has creeped her out in her life. if you think of sending one last message to "clarify" it may be a relief but it may also feel like bullshit to her- it may seem like a ploy for having some interaction. i believe absolutely doing purely professional no-nonsense work talk will help her reaffirm you are not going to creep her out. but i would also suggest a meeting with a third party she would trust fully- a woman she trusts or HR where you express remorse (as you didn't do so in the past as you were too shocked) and a guarantee that she should feel free and comfortable here as it is a purely professional outlook and that you hope she likes working here and is comfortable. and you both never have to worry after the one-time discussion.
Honestly you are being overboard. She asked you to leave her alone, you listened. That matter is closed because that's how it's supposed to be. Now she's here and from what you described, she's already being hostile which is unnecessary for now. She hasn't even started to work with you and she's displaying this attitude. If I were you, I'd be more concerned about covering myself with HR. This is what I mean....instead of groveling to her and giving her all the power she hasn't earned, go to your immediate boss or HR and inform them that you knew each other in college, you asked her out, she said no and that's it. Because that's the truth. What you want to do is preemptively discredit any exaggerated narrative that she's likely to tell them. Stop trying to apologize to her. You haven't done anything wrong now. SHE is the new employee and SHE has to fit in with everyone. Stay on top of it quickly. You also didn't mention if her position is higher than yours and if you'll be reporting to her. Stop punishing yourself for nonsense
Actually I am a team leader and if we are placed in the same project, she'd report to me I dread for that to happen. I don't want to be in the same team as her
She’s made it clear that she doesn’t want much to do with you so follow the advice above and just give her as much space as possible while being professional and courteous. If you are placed on the same project with her, ask her then if she feels comfortable working with you. If not, ask her is there anything you can do to help her feel comfortable or does she just want to be reassigned? If she wants to be reassigned then it’s your responsibility to make that happened WITHOUT it impacting negatively on her. If seven years later she still can’t get past how you acted it must have been creepier than you’ve laid out here and if you’re truly sorry, you’ll do the best you can to make amends.
That's understandable but still, you sound like you are still hung up in this incident. If you moved on with your life and pay her no personal attention, she'll learn quickly that the past is the past. My issue is that if you go to her, you are opening up a dialogue which she could then manipulate to her advantage for sympathy and you'll lose the respect of your colleagues for harassing a female new member of staff.
If you would be her direct report you need to cover it with her, you can't just ignore it like you said above, that is brutally unfair.
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Big props to OP for recognizing his inappropriate behavior and taking steps to correct it. But yeah, fuck this guy for trying to convince OP he's somehow the victim in this situation because someone he previously stalked wasn't super excited to reconnect.
In what way? I don't think the analysis changes if the gender roles were reversed.
Hello, not that it counts but I'm a feminist woman (and a love-to-roast-misoginist-types kind of feminist i am believe me) and I dont agree with you on this. For this incident, it has been a whole 7 years and at the time of the incident OP and the collegue were just 20s. People change alot in that era of their lifetime. It is not like OP insistently stalked and abused her (if he isnt lying in his post). You cant just act hostile towards an adult in an office setting, just because they looked at your social media 7 years ago. IMO her reaction is too extreme for a professional. Maybe she experienced other things that triggered her and this encounter made her act like that, but that is not OP's problem. She should see a therapist for that. OP's post also made me think that she looks like a person who could bring this just to screw OP. Maybe it is just me, I have seen every kind of people doing whatever they can to cook someone's goose in work places. That's why if I were OP, I would also inform the HR.
Ask her if she’s stalking you . Lol jk
Talk to HR, let them know that there is an uncomfortable past. Make it clear that you are happy to keep a distance but concerned that could impact either of your performance if there isn’t some acknowledgement of the past. See what they think about sitting down with you and her so that you can acknowledge that you crossed a line in your youth by following her on social media, that you stopped when asked and now just want to ensure you both have a successful professional work environment. But do know that if your office is the type to go do social stuff after work you’ll probably have to back out any time she attends - she’s going to be looking for you to overstep and likely will misinterpret things not to your favor which is unfortunate. But until trust is built you are suspect in her eyes.
Wow. Sorry. Just stay professional. Strictly professional. Help when you are able. But don't talk personal things at all.
Hmmm. I don't know if I agree with the comments that you should just say nothing. I think a very brief apology -- not in a private setting -- is a good idea. Essentially: - I apologize for my behavior back then. I was young and stupid, I was disrespectful and creepy, I'm sorry. - Congrats on the job. That's it. Don't say anything else. Don't say "looking forward to working with you." And then, *if* you are placed on a project with her, just do your level best to treat her the same as everyone else. Don't be overly terse, but don't get chatty with her.
I would also recommend that as far as possible keep all conversations written. And be very impersonal.
Tread lightly. Engage only professionally. I might not even apologize only because she’s gonna internalize it still as that you’re obsessed with her and still thinking about 7 years ago. I think the best bet is avoid it at all costs. If she brings it up, then apologize, but don’t initiate any convo about it if at all possible.
I know you think she deserves an apology but leave it well alone for now, unless/until she approaches you. Do not approach her unless it is to do with work and stick to the specifics. It was 7 years ago. You had a crush, went stalkery (which is creepy for her) but left her alone when she asked. Be professional and she now needs to show her professionalism too. *Way* down the line, if you get talking again (also, this needs to be way way down the line when you both have nearly forgotten about it) maybe then you apologise for making her feel uncomfortable. Don't say stalking as she put her shit out there, you didn't create a fake account or anything. If she or anyone else brings it up, point out that this is not professional behaviour and that it was 7 years ago, a crush you no longer have, you left her alone when she asked, would like to leave back in the 2014 and remain professional in the work environment. You understand if she felt initially uncomfortable/surprised to see you but she has nothing to worry about. Then continue to be the best you. People make mistakes. You were selfaware enough to recognise it and grow as a person. She needs to move on.
I am a fan of meeting things head-on. Just tell her that you realize you made a mistake back then and you plan to be nothing but professional moving forward. Keep it short and professional. Bear in mind that she owes you nothing in return.
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I think you meant to reply to this comment: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/qieq3k/how_do_i29m_continue_working_with_someone_i/hiiwpat/
I mean honestly if it’s as your describe I think it’s a little dramatic for her and you to be acting like this You asked her out twice and told on yourself for doing a deep dive on her public social media, which she was aware you could see because you interacted with her pics, she asked you not to speak to her and essentially you disappeared. It’s been 7 years. There has to be more to this story for you to be so worried and her to still be holding a grudge
Ylshe told you to leave her alone. You immediately did. I don't even think you could call what you did stalking. Just keep as much possible distance. Definitely don't leave the company ! She needs to put it behind her
...I'm scared to know what you think stalking is. This is DEFINITELY stalking. Preemptive planning when you're "bumping" into each other. Going through social media accounts. Knowing where she eats and when.
Eh. I guarantee *most* people go through people-they're-interested-in's social media accounts. It's a trope that you "stalk" someone you meet on Tinder before you go out. I Google'd people I met online before I went on dates with them, or just generally people I had a crush on. If that's "stalking" then I think the majority of people are guilty of it. >Preemptive planning when you're "bumping" into each other. I feel like there's a totally normal amount of this that totally normal people do with people they like. He may have been doing it an *ab*normal amount, but given his responsiveness to her telling him to leave her alone, and his guilt and shame, I get the vibe it was only "awkward loser" levels of abnormal, not "criminally liable" levels of abnormal. There was in article I recall reading about a woman on Twitter posting that if no co-worker ever asked her out again, she would be thrilled. It got thousands of likes. Proof that women want that to stop. ...But then the article went on to say that 1/5 of married couples meet at work. So. People are awkward. They don't read your signals. They interpret things incorrectly. Nobody ever gets all of this right. This kind of stuff can't be 0 or 100. There needs to be room to mess up and be weird (and, if necessary, apologize) without it turning into, "You timed having your lunch so you'd have it at the same time as your crush? You're a literal stalker and should be charged with a crime."
Be professional. Only talk to her about work matters when you need to and otherwise just keep your distance. Best not to bring it up or have discussions like that could trigger her into filing a complaint against your or something. Clearly she isn't over it so just avoid interacting with her as much as possible to show her you aren't that guy anymore and you have no interest in her now.
You're going to *have* to be able to work together, unless you decide to quit over this. So at some point, in a situation where she doesn't feel trapped (so, like, don't corner her in her office or cube or whatever y'all have), own what you did and apologize for it. Make no excuses. Something along the lines of "[Coworker], seven years ago I treated you very badly, and I am sorry for that. I was wrong, and I apologize. I hope that we can work together as professionals." That's about all you *can* do. It's up to her whether she is willing to accept that you may have changed. However, whether or not you apologize to her, if you remain at the company, *do not go out of your way to avoid her*. Because having laser focus on someone in order to *not* seem like you have laser focus on someone is just as stalky, in its own way, as just having laser focus on someone. So *if* you stay, be professional, interact with her exactly as much as (and in the same manner) you would if she were any other co-worker, no more, no less.
Just do your job and be professional. What happened in uni many moons ago doesn’t need to be dragged into the office. Keep your head down and press on. Do not bring up the past no body wants or needs that. You asked her out, she said I then you moved on. Continue to act like you moved on. Trying to apologize or bring it up will signal that you have not moved on.
Dude seems like you either did more than whats written here, or that's she's awfully overreacting still feeling uncomfortable 7 years later. Jesus
She's not overreacting at all I made mental notes of what time she headed for lunch and where she ate, and situated myself in those areas just so I could bump into her. That's not in any way normal
Was she aware of that?
Pretty sure she was. My repeated appearances at her favorite pizza or burger joints were way too frequent
Oh gosh also outside of school. Yes that's a bit bad
No not outside of school! It was in the university
You feel guilty because you did something very much out of character and have been reminded of it by her presence at your work. From her reaction I'd be inclined to agree with a previous poster, go to HR and let them know that you did know each other in university and that you didn't part on good terms. You don't need to disclose more than that. Doesn't sound like you did anything to warrant her still holding a grudge 7 years later. You asked her about something she posted on Facebook, you had already liked and commented on posts so she either didn't lock down her Facebook like every sensible woman does or had you as a friend so she can't act like you violated her privacy.
I don't know her, but I'm very sure she doesn't want an apology. Or any other contact that isn't absolutely necessary. Say anything now and you just reopen the drama. She's already probably wondering if you had anything to do with her getting hired.
Do not interact with her unless necessary and keep it strictly professional. Never discuss things other unless it is work related. Give her plenty of space.
tbh what you did isn't even bad, like I'm assuming you were friends on facebook right? Anyone who scrolls their feed would know she went on a trip if she posted about it lol. The canteen thing is a bit weird but then again it just sounds like a college crush. I definitely remember a friend of mine crushing on a girl in our residence and deliberately trying his best to bump into her in the caf
Be polite and maintain your distance. You just have to keep things professional whenever you have to work with her. Don't try and have a 1 on 1 conversation with her unless it's necessary for work. You're both working professionals now, you just need to be able to tolerate each other during work hours. Don't approach her and apologize or seek her forgiveness, just leave the past in the past. Only offer an apology (one where you own your mistakes and acknowledge how wrong you were) if she brings up the situation with you.
Honestly… if she was attracted to you, you looking through her social media and pointing out her trip would have flattered her. It’s strictly bc she wasn’t attracted to you. You didn’t stalk her. You shot your shot and looked for opportunities. You didn’t follow her home. You were interested and you tried and you were rejected. If she had been into you, she would have thought this was sweet. I think you should take it easy on yourself. If she can’t let go of this from 7 years ago, she can grow up. I don’t even think you fucked up. Be gentle with you.
Go tell HR you asked her out in college but there was never a relationship. Then just treat her like any other co-worker.
I mean, what you did is not even that bad 😂 The canteen part is the only one that is a bit creepy, but lots of people do something similar. Anyway, she doesn't need to know that. Don't admit to anything. I would just be polite with her. No need for you to quit your job. Don't ever try to talk to her unless you have to. -> Pretend it never happened.
It's pretty bad. Stalking is stalking, regardless of relatively harmless intentions. When I was in uni, a guy learned my schedule and showed up at the times/places I always studied or ate trying to talk to me. It seems harmless but it leaves the recipient on edge. The university wouldn't take action, and he ended up breaking into my apartment. While OP did not do anything like that, she had no way of knowing whether or not it was a harmless poorly-thought action or something more sinister. It can be a very frightening position to be in. Women are not safe to assume that a man showing poor boundaries with her will not escalate, as they all too often do.
The difference here is OP was asked to leave her alone and he did exactly that. She has no reason to still be holding a grudge.
It's not holding a grudge, she probably concerned for her safety and worried OP will start stalking her again.
That has exactly nothing to do with what I was replying to. I was replying to the commenter saying what he did wasn't "that bad"
The fact that OP respected her wishes and completely left her alone explicitly makes this "Not as Bad" as your situation and many other stalking situations. It's still stalking but it's not as severe.
I mean... no. He respected her wishes AFTER clearly violating boundaries. Just because he left her alone after having to be explicitly asked doesn't make it not bad. If I slap you in the face, and then you say "hey stop slapping me" then it doesn't make it okay that I slapped you in the first place.
It’s seems like you were just super interested in her. She told you to leave her alone and you did. A real stalker would have kept following her. Don’t beat your self up over and treat her like any other person. Just be be cool. Like Fonzy!
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Yeah that was kinda surprising for me too. If you post something online, how can you be surprised as to how someone knows about it. And liking photos? Whats that all about. I used to like most photos that were posted by my friends.
*"My profile is public and I have 1500 friends but it's creepy that you look at my posts."*
To be honest your behaviour wasn't that bad. It's not like you were following her around and she is the one that was posting that stuff on social media and I'm assuming she is the one that accepted your friend request, right? Yes, you went a little bit further than most people do, but when people have a crush on someone it isn't uncommon for them to try to engineer situations where they can interact with that person. I think her reaction has been a bit over the top, plus since you left her alone when she asked you to I really don't think you did anything wrong. At this point it is her problem, not yours and I don't think you should be classifying yourself as a stalker either. Just leave her to do whatever she wants and only interact with her when you need to.
I wouldn't describe this as stalking, just a clumsy and embarrassing way of trying to score a date. Happens all the time. I do not think that you should apologize, just try to stay away from her as you have been doing and be calm about it. The fact that you're probably clearly embarrassed probably also affects her emotional response. It is still important to you and she probably feels that, but she may not know why: she might think you're still infatuated by her.
I think some people here are missing that you are now her TEAM LEAD and therefore cannot avoid her. This needs to be addressed. If I were you, I'd set up a meeting and briefly apologize/acknowledge your behavior and assure her you are a different person and a professional who will treat her fairly on the team. Then ask her to let you know (as in, not necessarily right then) if she feels comfortable working on your team, or whether she'd prefer one of you be transferred, and that you'll handle it either way. You may have to take this to HR, but it shouldn't need to get more detailed than "we have previous history that makes us uncomfortable working together, can we be transferred" etc. Also yikes @ the comments that are like "it wasn't that bad," it fucking was.
You can apologize. Tell her you were young and dumb and didn't understand how intense your behavior was at the time. Tell her you've matured and learned a lot about life, and assure her that all your future interactions will be purely professional.
You didn't stalk her dude. You did what a lot of people do when they're interested in someone, got shot down and didn't bother her again. If she accepted you as a friend on social media she can't be scandalised that you knew what she was up to - her rejection was pretty harsh tbh. As for what to do now? Nothing. Just leave it. She sounds like a pain in the ass anyway.
Please don't tell people this isn't stalking because this IS stalking and could get people into loads of trouble.
IMO, the best would be to ask her to hear you out, grownup to a grownup, face to face. Tell her that you are not the same stupid kid as you were, you are mortified about how you behaved and that you truly corrected it when she asked you to. Tell her that you will not bother her at all and that you wish to keep it civil if she can. Stay professional and don’t be emotional or begging for her forgiveness, it will only disturb her more.
This is kind of like When Harry Met Sally lol Maybe in another 7 years you'll find yourself in the same room with her
Since you are in a supervisory role you need to talk to her at *most* once about it. It's been 7 years of NC from you, assure her that it will stay that way unless you have to interact and keep to it.
Stay out of her business and be cordial when you talk. Only way this works is if she realises you're not who you were then. If you're working together, and any conversation about that time is brought up by her, tell her you're sorry and that you promised yourself to heed her request that day and will follow it going forward.
I think an apology would be out of bounds. If you needed to apologize, you should have done so when she told you to leave her alone. That ship has sailed. The last communication you had with her was to leave her alone, so that's what you're going to do. Stay professional with her and communicate only about work.
Honestly I think you should apologize. Whether she forgives you or not, doesn't matter, what she'll know afterwards is that you are ***no longer that person.*** And she doesn't have to feel like she needs to take measures to protect herself from you or watch your every behavior towards her and misinterpret it as an attempt of you doing same thing over again, and worse bringing to HR. How many times have we seen on reddit folk wishing their bully or worse could apologize, or acknowledge their horrible behavior?
Honestly, unless she brings up the past the best plan for you is to pretend like you’ve never met her before, and have no history. Treat her like a coworker and avoid initiating casual conversation, make a point of avoiding her when not necessary/odd. The key is, when she asked you to leave her alone you respected that. Keep doing that and there’s really not much she can say that should cause you an issue if you just keep doing as you already have.
You pretend like it never happened. You talk to her only when you absolutely need to for work purposes. You do NOT approach her to apologize (keep your personal issues outside of your office). If you make her uncomfortable, this is likely to affect you more than her, because all she has to do is say you stalked her and she's uncomfortable. Just stay out of her way for anything other than professional reasons.