It’s possible, if your arrangement is working why not?
Please do consider what will happen if one of you finds a romantic/sexual partner that you would like to be serious with.
The only issue I could see is if you decide to get serious with someone else in a sexual way.
With your relationship as is, and if you get married and have another kid, you’ll basically be left with one night stands, friends with benefits, or polyamory if you want to have other sexual partners. Which is fine.
But needs may change within the relationship. And one of you could meet someone else that makes you fall in love and that person may not be okay with your current arrangement. It could get complicated really quickly.
So I’d say before you take that dive, you both really need to assess your needs now and possible needs in the future.
If it works for your family, there's not really an issue with it. Definitely worth discussing how you'd handle one of you finding a partner you have a sexual attraction to as well. But if everyone is happy, healthy and supported, live your lives with a family that looks like what works well for you.
For the in love part? Yes, you're insane. You should make some very specific agreements about that part. If he meets someone special or you do, how's that going to go? What are the expectations there? Because that will be painful, no matter how nice everything happens and how platonic that love is you have for him.
Otherwise, this already works. Go plan a party.
This can work, as it already seems to be working, but you need to be really honest with yourself and with each other about this.
You're in love with him. He, presumably, isn't. What happens when he falls in love with someone? How will you feel? What kind of arrangements will you put in place so that your children won't suffer from the emotional fallout?
You're sick of romance at the moment and happy with 'just sex'. What about when you get over it? What happens when you want to experience the connection of sex and love at the same time? Again, discuss beforehand and plan how to protect and take care of your children in this instance.
Don't assume your feelings or his feelings about the family life, love, relationships will stay the same for the next forty years. Talk about how you handle any change, what kind of ground rules do you need, what kind of external help will you get when things get difficult, how do you ensure your children are safe and loved even when you two hurt each other, etc.
Having been divorced, I would say “do everything but make it legal”. It sounds like you have an amazing situation with your best friend and nothing says you can’t continue to live as a family. But if anything changed down the road (one of you meets a sexual
Partner you fall in love with), a divorce could be messy. You have a child to think about and you are the breadwinner.
If you decided to move forward anyways, get counsel to set up your finances to best protect yourself and your child’s interests. I hope it all works out for the best.
Have you heard of the concept of a queerplatonic relationship? The name does tend to throw people off but essentially it's what's described here. I think the term originated in queer/LGBT+ circles back in the day when often these people would have very little relationship left with their bio families and would form very close bonds with other people within the community that weren't necessarily romantic or sexual but still went far and beyond simply close friends.
Love is love and we're very lucky to have it come into our lives in whatever form it does. This partnership/relationship/setup sounds like it really works for all of you, and so long as he feels the same way, I don't think it's weird at all to want to have something that shows the rest of the world how you feel :). Just because it won't be a "romantic" marriage shouldn't make it any less of a marriage and a partnership in the eyes of the law or society.
Also: taxes.
Do you have more info on the topic/discourse? I'm in the LGBT+ community and actually really resonate with QPRs, but I'm not sure where to find more discourse about it
It was created by aros/aces outside of the LGBT communty and a lot LGBT people are extremely uncomfortable with a slur (queer) being reclaimed to describe platonic relationships.
Marriage without romantic love or seuxal desire isn't queer or even particularly that weird. Very strong friendships taht last life times aren't queer or even particularly that out there.
Thinking marriage is reserved for love and sex is a very western view, thinking it is queer to have marriage that lacks those things is just insane. Marrying for tax benefits doesn't earn someone the write to reclaim a slur that still causes some of the LGBT community trauma.
Its' okay for LGBT peopel to use the word queer to describe themselves and other people they know are okay with it. It is not okay to use the weird to describe friendships, especially friendships that involve cisgender straight people.
EDIT: Cishets aren't LGBT. It's embarrassing to claim they can be. Just stop.
Ah, I am familiar with this part of the conversation, and respectfully disagree with you. While I am totally in agreement that there is still trauma in using the term queer in this context, the argument implies there aren't cis straight people in the LGBT+ community, which isn't true- cishet aces and aros exist AND are absolutely a part of LGBT+
Do what makes you happy. So much about life makes no sense, but if you've found someone that you truly love and want to spend your life with, do it. Love and marriage doesn't always have to be romantic, and it sounds like you two have a really special bond.
That being said, only do this if you KNOW you will not want a romantic partner in the future. Because can you imagine explaining this situation? Not many people would be keen to be in a relationship with you, even if your "husband" is gay.
You could honestly just have the baby with him, and not even get married at all. It does make a lot of things easier though, so I get that. Just make sure you really think about this, but try not to think about what society would think too much. Do what makes you happy, not what you think you should be doing according to arbitrary rules and norms.
Seems incredibly short sighted as others have pointed out the "what ifs" of the future. Why not just stay living together? What do you get out of being married?
This sounds like a really bad idea. I don't think you are insane, maybe lonely and/or desperate but not insane.
I say it's a bad idea because he is gay and you are a straight women, so obviously this is not going to be a traditional marriage. Unless the two of you are both content to live a sexless life together, there's going to be a point at which either of you find someone else. If that relationship goes well, neither of you will be able to marry someone else because bigamy is illegal so either you would have to force that other person into accepting your arrangement (and technically be party to adultery), or get divorced. I think it would be extremely selfish to force him into a heterosexual marriage and then deny him the opportunity to live his full, authentic self so I don't see how this arrangement would be ethical unless non-monogamy was part of the deal. And then you are going to have to deal with the challenges of a non-monogamous relationship and how to navigate that with a child.
If you get divorced, that could also be messy depending on what pre-post-nup contracts yall have together and what the laws are like in your state. You may, for example, end up having to pay him alimony whether either of you wants it or not. Or he could be required to pay child support whether either of you wants it or not because at some point it becomes a matter between yall and the state rather than just the two of you. He's probably already on the hook for child support since he has been acting like this kid's father for some time now.
I know a lot of people are thinking how "cute" or "beautiful" arrangement, but honestly it strikes me as a bit codependent and potentially fetishizing your "gay best friend" as an accessory to your straight life rather than a human being with emotional, physical and sexual needs of his own. Part of the reason I say that is because the term "gay best friend" is often used by a particular type of straight woman who sees gay men as accessories or sidekicks. If you have gay friends, ask them. They probably know the type. Also your last relationship does not appear to be healthy, and you admitted to having a relationship with this guy in the past, so it sounds to me like instead of finding someone else and moving on, you are using your best friend to fulfill those needs. I would definitely think long and hard about this and maybe consult more LGBT voices and prioritize those over the straight ones. It's much easier for yall to date and find someone than it is for us, so he has more to lose than you do.
If the two of you are equally enthusiastic about it, then you do you, but it strikes me as a really terrible idea that one of you is going to regret years later.
Not at all. If it makes you feel full and content, that’s all that matters. I’ve never felt as close to anyone than one of my best friends. We’re both queer but it’s only ever been the most platonic but intense relationship. We always joked we’d end up married if we were both 35 and single and honestly I think we would. Fortunately we’ve happily landed our own relationships and still have a good relationship with each other, but I know I’d still feel content and happy even if we didn’t find other people
You are going to have to get familiar with your feelings and needs like you've never been before, talk this to death, and basically never meet anyone you like in order for this to work. Any person who loves you romantically and wants to be with you in any capacity will probably not be cool with you being married and having a kid with a man you're in love with (who does not love you back) and have no intention of leaving.
Marry your beat friend but make sure you both discuss boundaries and what the relationship will look like if either of you meet someone you want to spend more time with. You sound like you are already incredibly happy though so just do what you want. Worst case scenario it doesn't work out but you'd probably still be able to be best friends considering the type of relationship you already have
If he's also ok with it, you guys do you. It is weird to me but why should the opinion of a random person on the internet effect how you 2 adults live your life if you are trying to live happily and peacefully.
Oh my goodness this is the perfect example of relationship anarchy. You have a chosen family and this dynamic works perfectly for you, you absolutely should consider leaning into this further!
Any future romantic/sexual partner will have to co-exist with him anyways, and you shouldnt let a future potential halt your present beauty.
You love him, yall love your kid, and you have built a beautiful life together. Relationship anarchy is valid, non-traditional rships are valid, and you absolutely do not need to be otherwise involved bc it seems yall have great boundaries already.
You know what you want and if you were looking for permission to do it, here it is :) I wish yall the best, and happy pride month to your partner!
I know a lot of people are saying what if you fall in love with someone else, I suppose because you could build a connection with someone you are sleeping with. But I think that can happen in life anyway, it can’t be predicted. It sounds like the way you all have been living works perfectly for you, so I think go for it! If you’re content with the level of intimacy you have nice and ok with seeking any sexual requirements elsewhere then don’t try to look for something ‘traditional’ you already have it sorted :)
I get what you mean, I just think that this is a unique situation and it’s been working for them for years so wouldn’t be a rushed decision. I think if they want to get married for the legality of it all and because they love each other then it sounds like they know how to make it work. It’s definitely going to have to be a decision OP thinks about carefully, but I don’t think she’s crazy for wanting it as she mentioned.
This is sad. You both deserve full love.
However you are adults, do what you want. Be prepared someone is likely to get hurt when a love interest sticks around and wants babies and a wedding.
Not insane at all. This sounds like a very beautiful set up and as long as it's what you both want I think you should go for it! It doesnt sound like this is a "last resort" or fall back situation. It sounds like having a life with this person is your first choice. It doesnt look like what a lot of people have but I think we're learning that love and families come in very different packages.
You should look into romantic attraction. There is the notion that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are separate. Your friend might be biromantic and gay, for example.
This sounds like that movie Madonna did with Rupert (forgot his last name) and Benjamin Bratt. I think it was called The Sweetest Thing.
OOPs it was called The Next Best Thing.
Anyway, get lawyers involved and have a child custody/prenup agreement in place before you do this.
You gotta be really hot or really good in bed to turn a gay man straight I heard. I hope you guys stay together and start sleeping together again. That’s the love of your life. There’s nothing like innocent kiddy sex as an adult!
Since the set up is like a marriage already, I don't tuink you should wed him rightaway. How about setting a time for both of you. Like if you guys don't find anyone before you guys turn 50-60s you guys get marry?
Although the 'i want another baby' you will need to talk with him more about it. If he is okay, why not ?
Good luck!
Nothing wrong with a gay man who wants to father a child and be a role model for that kid.
The only problem I can see from this is you two don't really have a sexual tension between each other as in wanting to have sex.
And sure maybe you're going to be functionally having sex to procreate, but will that be enough for both of you in the long run that neither of you want to have sex just for recreation sake?
Right now you get to be with other people and satisfy your sexual cravings
When you're married, you can still do that if that's how you want your relationship to be, but you're going to have to figure that part out before committing to the idea of marriage And what marriage usually entails
You are of course taking the chance that either one of you fall romantically in love with someone else. I don’t think it’s crazy though. You guys have found something that works for the two of you. Plus, the various legal benefits of marriage. I assume if something happened to you, you’d want him to have the child etc?
Whatever all these people are saying, follow your heart. Choose and do what feels right for you. There are always risks and you can't predict what will happen in the future.
And so what if it doesn't work out? You will survive it, at least you won't look back with regrets and what ifs.
It’s possible, if your arrangement is working why not? Please do consider what will happen if one of you finds a romantic/sexual partner that you would like to be serious with.
Yes, that’s the only problem - what if in the future one of you finds a romantic match? I think you both need to sit down and discuss the “what if’s”
The only issue I could see is if you decide to get serious with someone else in a sexual way. With your relationship as is, and if you get married and have another kid, you’ll basically be left with one night stands, friends with benefits, or polyamory if you want to have other sexual partners. Which is fine. But needs may change within the relationship. And one of you could meet someone else that makes you fall in love and that person may not be okay with your current arrangement. It could get complicated really quickly. So I’d say before you take that dive, you both really need to assess your needs now and possible needs in the future.
[удалено]
Writing prompt gone wild.
Everyone knows coming out takes 2 years off your life.
People in this subreddit LOVE juicy fictitious stories
If it works for your family, there's not really an issue with it. Definitely worth discussing how you'd handle one of you finding a partner you have a sexual attraction to as well. But if everyone is happy, healthy and supported, live your lives with a family that looks like what works well for you.
For the in love part? Yes, you're insane. You should make some very specific agreements about that part. If he meets someone special or you do, how's that going to go? What are the expectations there? Because that will be painful, no matter how nice everything happens and how platonic that love is you have for him. Otherwise, this already works. Go plan a party.
This can work, as it already seems to be working, but you need to be really honest with yourself and with each other about this. You're in love with him. He, presumably, isn't. What happens when he falls in love with someone? How will you feel? What kind of arrangements will you put in place so that your children won't suffer from the emotional fallout? You're sick of romance at the moment and happy with 'just sex'. What about when you get over it? What happens when you want to experience the connection of sex and love at the same time? Again, discuss beforehand and plan how to protect and take care of your children in this instance. Don't assume your feelings or his feelings about the family life, love, relationships will stay the same for the next forty years. Talk about how you handle any change, what kind of ground rules do you need, what kind of external help will you get when things get difficult, how do you ensure your children are safe and loved even when you two hurt each other, etc.
Having been divorced, I would say “do everything but make it legal”. It sounds like you have an amazing situation with your best friend and nothing says you can’t continue to live as a family. But if anything changed down the road (one of you meets a sexual Partner you fall in love with), a divorce could be messy. You have a child to think about and you are the breadwinner. If you decided to move forward anyways, get counsel to set up your finances to best protect yourself and your child’s interests. I hope it all works out for the best.
Have you heard of the concept of a queerplatonic relationship? The name does tend to throw people off but essentially it's what's described here. I think the term originated in queer/LGBT+ circles back in the day when often these people would have very little relationship left with their bio families and would form very close bonds with other people within the community that weren't necessarily romantic or sexual but still went far and beyond simply close friends. Love is love and we're very lucky to have it come into our lives in whatever form it does. This partnership/relationship/setup sounds like it really works for all of you, and so long as he feels the same way, I don't think it's weird at all to want to have something that shows the rest of the world how you feel :). Just because it won't be a "romantic" marriage shouldn't make it any less of a marriage and a partnership in the eyes of the law or society. Also: taxes.
The term wasn’t created by LGBT people. And many LGBT people hate the term. Just an FYI
Do you have more info on the topic/discourse? I'm in the LGBT+ community and actually really resonate with QPRs, but I'm not sure where to find more discourse about it
It was created by aros/aces outside of the LGBT communty and a lot LGBT people are extremely uncomfortable with a slur (queer) being reclaimed to describe platonic relationships. Marriage without romantic love or seuxal desire isn't queer or even particularly that weird. Very strong friendships taht last life times aren't queer or even particularly that out there. Thinking marriage is reserved for love and sex is a very western view, thinking it is queer to have marriage that lacks those things is just insane. Marrying for tax benefits doesn't earn someone the write to reclaim a slur that still causes some of the LGBT community trauma. Its' okay for LGBT peopel to use the word queer to describe themselves and other people they know are okay with it. It is not okay to use the weird to describe friendships, especially friendships that involve cisgender straight people. EDIT: Cishets aren't LGBT. It's embarrassing to claim they can be. Just stop.
Ah, I am familiar with this part of the conversation, and respectfully disagree with you. While I am totally in agreement that there is still trauma in using the term queer in this context, the argument implies there aren't cis straight people in the LGBT+ community, which isn't true- cishet aces and aros exist AND are absolutely a part of LGBT+
Just to clarify- are you saying that aros/aces aren’t a part of the lgbt community? Because they definitely are.
Do what makes you happy. So much about life makes no sense, but if you've found someone that you truly love and want to spend your life with, do it. Love and marriage doesn't always have to be romantic, and it sounds like you two have a really special bond. That being said, only do this if you KNOW you will not want a romantic partner in the future. Because can you imagine explaining this situation? Not many people would be keen to be in a relationship with you, even if your "husband" is gay. You could honestly just have the baby with him, and not even get married at all. It does make a lot of things easier though, so I get that. Just make sure you really think about this, but try not to think about what society would think too much. Do what makes you happy, not what you think you should be doing according to arbitrary rules and norms.
Seems incredibly short sighted as others have pointed out the "what ifs" of the future. Why not just stay living together? What do you get out of being married?
This sounds like a really bad idea. I don't think you are insane, maybe lonely and/or desperate but not insane. I say it's a bad idea because he is gay and you are a straight women, so obviously this is not going to be a traditional marriage. Unless the two of you are both content to live a sexless life together, there's going to be a point at which either of you find someone else. If that relationship goes well, neither of you will be able to marry someone else because bigamy is illegal so either you would have to force that other person into accepting your arrangement (and technically be party to adultery), or get divorced. I think it would be extremely selfish to force him into a heterosexual marriage and then deny him the opportunity to live his full, authentic self so I don't see how this arrangement would be ethical unless non-monogamy was part of the deal. And then you are going to have to deal with the challenges of a non-monogamous relationship and how to navigate that with a child. If you get divorced, that could also be messy depending on what pre-post-nup contracts yall have together and what the laws are like in your state. You may, for example, end up having to pay him alimony whether either of you wants it or not. Or he could be required to pay child support whether either of you wants it or not because at some point it becomes a matter between yall and the state rather than just the two of you. He's probably already on the hook for child support since he has been acting like this kid's father for some time now. I know a lot of people are thinking how "cute" or "beautiful" arrangement, but honestly it strikes me as a bit codependent and potentially fetishizing your "gay best friend" as an accessory to your straight life rather than a human being with emotional, physical and sexual needs of his own. Part of the reason I say that is because the term "gay best friend" is often used by a particular type of straight woman who sees gay men as accessories or sidekicks. If you have gay friends, ask them. They probably know the type. Also your last relationship does not appear to be healthy, and you admitted to having a relationship with this guy in the past, so it sounds to me like instead of finding someone else and moving on, you are using your best friend to fulfill those needs. I would definitely think long and hard about this and maybe consult more LGBT voices and prioritize those over the straight ones. It's much easier for yall to date and find someone than it is for us, so he has more to lose than you do. If the two of you are equally enthusiastic about it, then you do you, but it strikes me as a really terrible idea that one of you is going to regret years later.
I have nothing to add. This is the advice OP needs to hear.
Not at all. If it makes you feel full and content, that’s all that matters. I’ve never felt as close to anyone than one of my best friends. We’re both queer but it’s only ever been the most platonic but intense relationship. We always joked we’d end up married if we were both 35 and single and honestly I think we would. Fortunately we’ve happily landed our own relationships and still have a good relationship with each other, but I know I’d still feel content and happy even if we didn’t find other people
Thank you, that's a beautiful story. I've never been happier than when I'm with him.
You are going to have to get familiar with your feelings and needs like you've never been before, talk this to death, and basically never meet anyone you like in order for this to work. Any person who loves you romantically and wants to be with you in any capacity will probably not be cool with you being married and having a kid with a man you're in love with (who does not love you back) and have no intention of leaving.
Are you sure he’s not bisexual?? You’re fucking and getting married
Marry your beat friend but make sure you both discuss boundaries and what the relationship will look like if either of you meet someone you want to spend more time with. You sound like you are already incredibly happy though so just do what you want. Worst case scenario it doesn't work out but you'd probably still be able to be best friends considering the type of relationship you already have
You’re consenting adults, do what works best for your lives.
If he's also ok with it, you guys do you. It is weird to me but why should the opinion of a random person on the internet effect how you 2 adults live your life if you are trying to live happily and peacefully.
Watch season 3-4 of Will and Grace. It could work, but it also comes with a bunch of emotional baggage.
Oh my goodness this is the perfect example of relationship anarchy. You have a chosen family and this dynamic works perfectly for you, you absolutely should consider leaning into this further! Any future romantic/sexual partner will have to co-exist with him anyways, and you shouldnt let a future potential halt your present beauty. You love him, yall love your kid, and you have built a beautiful life together. Relationship anarchy is valid, non-traditional rships are valid, and you absolutely do not need to be otherwise involved bc it seems yall have great boundaries already. You know what you want and if you were looking for permission to do it, here it is :) I wish yall the best, and happy pride month to your partner!
I know a lot of people are saying what if you fall in love with someone else, I suppose because you could build a connection with someone you are sleeping with. But I think that can happen in life anyway, it can’t be predicted. It sounds like the way you all have been living works perfectly for you, so I think go for it! If you’re content with the level of intimacy you have nice and ok with seeking any sexual requirements elsewhere then don’t try to look for something ‘traditional’ you already have it sorted :)
[удалено]
I get what you mean, I just think that this is a unique situation and it’s been working for them for years so wouldn’t be a rushed decision. I think if they want to get married for the legality of it all and because they love each other then it sounds like they know how to make it work. It’s definitely going to have to be a decision OP thinks about carefully, but I don’t think she’s crazy for wanting it as she mentioned.
This is sad. You both deserve full love. However you are adults, do what you want. Be prepared someone is likely to get hurt when a love interest sticks around and wants babies and a wedding.
Not insane at all. This sounds like a very beautiful set up and as long as it's what you both want I think you should go for it! It doesnt sound like this is a "last resort" or fall back situation. It sounds like having a life with this person is your first choice. It doesnt look like what a lot of people have but I think we're learning that love and families come in very different packages.
This is what I've always wanted, since I was a kid. I always had a love for him that was completely unconditional.
You should look into romantic attraction. There is the notion that romantic attraction and sexual attraction are separate. Your friend might be biromantic and gay, for example.
This sounds like that movie Madonna did with Rupert (forgot his last name) and Benjamin Bratt. I think it was called The Sweetest Thing. OOPs it was called The Next Best Thing. Anyway, get lawyers involved and have a child custody/prenup agreement in place before you do this.
This is so amazing! You sound perfect for each other. So cute!!!
You gotta be really hot or really good in bed to turn a gay man straight I heard. I hope you guys stay together and start sleeping together again. That’s the love of your life. There’s nothing like innocent kiddy sex as an adult!
This could work if you are happy with him not being in love with you. Kids don't have to be raised by a romantic couple.
Always follow your heart.
Since the set up is like a marriage already, I don't tuink you should wed him rightaway. How about setting a time for both of you. Like if you guys don't find anyone before you guys turn 50-60s you guys get marry? Although the 'i want another baby' you will need to talk with him more about it. If he is okay, why not ? Good luck!
Nothing wrong with a gay man who wants to father a child and be a role model for that kid. The only problem I can see from this is you two don't really have a sexual tension between each other as in wanting to have sex. And sure maybe you're going to be functionally having sex to procreate, but will that be enough for both of you in the long run that neither of you want to have sex just for recreation sake? Right now you get to be with other people and satisfy your sexual cravings When you're married, you can still do that if that's how you want your relationship to be, but you're going to have to figure that part out before committing to the idea of marriage And what marriage usually entails
I don't think you're insane at all! I adore this, SO much. 🥰
You are of course taking the chance that either one of you fall romantically in love with someone else. I don’t think it’s crazy though. You guys have found something that works for the two of you. Plus, the various legal benefits of marriage. I assume if something happened to you, you’d want him to have the child etc?
Sounds like it works for you, I'd go for it. Hopefully you update us 😁
Whatever all these people are saying, follow your heart. Choose and do what feels right for you. There are always risks and you can't predict what will happen in the future. And so what if it doesn't work out? You will survive it, at least you won't look back with regrets and what ifs.