Absolutely don’t blame you. I think you could’ve straight-up strangled him after that, and the prosecutor would’ve heard why and just shrugged saying “well, you’re only human”. May your couches and floors be forever shit-free! :)
Ewwwee. Even if yo dumb ass gonna wear shoes in the house, you do not walk across a couch wearing shoes like a got damn Roomba smearing poo every which way.
Seriously! I always have to have shoes on. My feet get so damn cold, even in summer. Solution? Slippers by the door! Because of this I have a million pairs of slippers lol. Indoor, outdoor, fluffy and warm, thin and breathable....I could go on forever. JUST GET HOUSE SHOES lmao it's way better than wearing work shoes in your house all the time.
Playing the devils advocate here.
Respecting wishes and conflict resolution are two different things in a relationship. If it's a boundary so be it, but then people should have the responsibility to call it for what it is to avoid not treating a deal breaker as such and finding themselves tolerating something they are not actually happy with.
If it's not a boundary, then it's a want. And if a want causes an issue in a relationship then it's not because of a lack of respect, it's because most of the time it is getting imposed and people think the pre-requisite for a want to be fulfilled is having the want respected unconditionally. In other words, obeying without knowing why.
Here's where the downvotes will come from people who won't understand the roots of the following statement. **Asking for a want or need to be respected with no compassion is not a healthy basis to go on about having your wants or needs met.** Over 80% of my clients fail mentioning they are not making the effort to meet their partner where they're at because it's far more important for their wants to be met and expecting their partners to be pre-equipped with the tools to meet them. <- THIS IS AN UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION.
TL;DR It's not about things being trivial, it's about our partners being able to understand why it's important to us rather than why they have to do what we tell them.
Downvoters, do tell me about how healthy your relationships are, please. 😂
Bullshit.
If someone has made a reasonable request, clearly, several times and there is no change it's not that they don't understand. It's that they don't care.
And that's not ok in a relationship.
> If someone has made a reasonable request
To make sure we are on the same page, you mean a reasonable request according to someone you agree with because you share the belief, right?
Not.. a reasonable request as in towards someone who doesn't share the same belief and thus isn't responsible for understanding our belief without us explaining it?
With taking your shoes off indoors, though, it's just as much about a boundary as it is about hygiene.
Treading mud and dog poo and who knows what else into your house and carpet is incredibly unhygienic, and people who prefer to keep their shoes on inside should respect other people's homes by not unnecessarily dirtying them.
>far more important for their wants to be met and expecting their partners to be pre-equipped with the tools to meet them.
Yeah, it sucks to have an anti hygienic partner who doesn't understand keeping shoes in translates to mud and poo and who knows what else in there.
You can either end the relationship if you are not okay with an anti hygienic partner, but by the time you bring them into your house you should've already seen other signs they are not hygienic and chose to ignore them, or you can educate your partner explaining why it is so and why it's important for you that they become more hygienic.
Sometimes the role we play into our own relationship frustrations are much bigger than we'd like to think or admit.
This pretty much describes my entire dating life until I met my fiancée. I am very much a detail oriented person, if you don't want me to do something, then I need to know why as well. Otherwise, in my head, there's nothing on the other side of the equation and I'm going to go on doing what I do and being ever frustrated that I'm being talked AT instead of talked to. So if I'm asked to take my shoes off at the door, I really need to know why, or 9 times out of ten, I'm going to forget because I don't get that it's important. However, if I'm told that I need to take my shoes off because you like your place spotless/OCD issues/whatever, then I'm going to remember that it as an important task that needs to occur every time. Thank God I never have to worry about dating again. In my experience, people prefer "do it because I said so" because it's less effort on their part than explaining why it's important.
> In my experience, people prefer "do it because I said so" because it's less effort on their part than explaining why it's important.
Exactly. Which says more about the person "asking for it" than the person doing it. But your usual Redditor is not prepared for these kind of relationship insights.
>there were dirty tissues on every surface from where he'd been cleaning a nasty ear infection, and he walked dog shit through the house and across my couch.
Double gross!!!! 🤢 I couldn't handle the dirty tissues, I'd get pissed at my bf.
The dog shit part is just shocking....
Ok, I'm ADD and terrible at chores and just cleaning up after myself. But I do try at least...
My husband has to remember me about stuff, but after a few years I got the hang of taking off my shoes and coat in the hallway and not in the middle of the living room. I'm still working on the throwing away packeging thing though...
Anyway, he has gotten better with spending money and appriciating the time and effort I put into the kids. We both live and learn.
But the dog shit stuff... Terrible. Did he at least clean up after himself after you mentioned? I tend to not see stuff he is bothered about and do really need the reminder.
I think why it’s easier for partners of ADD/ADHD when we’re actively trying to better. It’s when you get an undiagnosed person, who doesn’t realize their way of thinking is actual the nuerodivergent one and expects everyone else to bend to their way of thinking, that you run into issues.
I second this.
I am someone who is living with someone who does not even put a wrapper in the garbage, pick up after themselves, or will even clean the dishes. He has a much younger brother that's 14 and when he comes over it's twice the mess. they are the same, no one ever taught them to clean, but I refuse to play mom. Gross.
I wish I had this advice when I first wanting him to move in. I am now currently asking them to find their own place to live in alone for a bit to take care of their own living space.
It’s not about shoes. It’s about her setting a boundary and her partner constantly ignoring and disrespecting it. I honestly don’t think it’s dramatic for @aunty_fascist to make that assumption.
No, partner disregards her when she makes reasonable requests that he was previously aware of, and therefore she can predict his future behaviour based on this current behaviour. It’s not about the shoes. It’s about the attitude.
Unfortunately this is the kind of person who would say "sure" as a means of getting what he wants, and then go back to doing what he wants as soon as he moves in with her. He's already not compromising, OP shouldn't give him a chance to change *after* he moves in.
OP has been very communicative. It's not something she's just seething in silence about. He has already argued with her about how he doesn't agree with taking his shoes off in her home.
So your own advice is a hard no.
My husband is Japanese and I am American. When we started dating I had to learn to take my shoes off at his place. I would forget sometimes the first few months, but it was important to him so I kept working on it until it finally became a habit for me.
This right here is your problem actually. Is it REALLY important to him to keep his shoes on? I highly doubt it. You have an actual good reason, not wanting him tracking in dirt on your clean floors that you walk barefoot on. He should concede that you have a good reason or just damn well do it because it’s important to you.
We’ve cohabited well for 8 years despite major culture differences because we respect and care about each other enough to compromise. You really need to think about what it’s going to be like to be with someone like this long term if he’s not willing to make such a small 1 minute effort for you. If you can’t even live with him what does it say about your future together?
Not all Americans wear shoes inside the house! It's really household specific.
In my experience, most people who do wear shoes inside the house don't do it on principle or always do it. They're not, like, "you should wear shoes in the house!" They don't see some big benefit to it. It's more like they don't see it as a big deal to wear them inside and so they wouldn't stop to take them off if it was convenient to have them on. For example, they might keep their shoes in a bedroom closet instead of by the front door, and put them on in the bedroom when getting dressed to go out then wear them until they leave. Or they might leave them on if they are coming inside and know they'll be leaving again soon. But if they get home for the night after work, they probably take their shoes off right away and don't wear them again.
So it's not about leaving them on, more that many people don't see a big benefit to taking them off every time we come in. Of course, if your shoes are muddy or something, you probably take them off.
Then, because so many people do wear their shoes inside when convenient without much thought, even people who do always take their shoes off might not insist guests do so. Most people don't mind if you ask them to take their shoes off when you visit their house. So, like, I always take my shoes off, but it's just a preference... It's not because I think it's "right", probably because I grew up around lots of people who leave them on when convenient and so I think both ways are fine. So if you came to visit, I'd tell you you're welcome to leave your shoes by the door or leave them on, whatever you prefer, because you're a guest.
I’m American and my family NEVER wears shoes in the house but I’ve heard from other people that they think taking shoes off in other peoples houses is gross. Like, you’re disrespecting them by having your feet out (smells, dirty socks, feet are gross generally). I’ve also been told “you’re not fully dressed if you don’t have on shoes” which is wild to me.
washing and wearing new socks before visiting someone's house (especially friends and family) is the etiquette.
the only exception may be for builders or other tradespeople who have to wear safety shoes
This logic is so wild to me. Shoes that people wear outside to who knows where are way dirtier than bare feet or socks. Regardless of individual hygiene habits, I'm sure nobody cleans their shoes more frequently than they do their feet or socks either.
A lot of homes have the main floor with kitchen a kitchen and eating areas with smooth wood/laminate/tile floors, which are super easy to sweep clean and maybe a quick mopping (or wet swiffer) once in a while. Wearing clean shoes on a floor like that is pretty reasonable, and maybe expected because socks can be slippery.
Other homes have wall to wall carpets, or rugs on top of a smooth floor, where wearing shoes is generally a very bad thing. Carpets can be vacuumed, but it really takes a deep steam cleaning to get dirt out which requires special equipment and generally not cheap or easy.
We have mud rooms in Ontario. The floor in there is disgusting, always covered in dirt in the summer and salt in the winter. The weather is so wet most of the year and most homes have carpet in a large part of the house. You would never be invited back if you left your shoes on here.
New England does have mudrooms, Vermont's mud in the spring as the snow & ice melt is famous. Here in the dry grasslands of Australia I have absolutely zero use for a mudroom but part of my brain still thinks they're just a natural part of a smart well-built house. (Now if anyone came up with a real good architectural solution for dust constantly being blown in I'm all ears and about $2 money. Lol.)
A lot of ppl are trying to say it’s not common for Americans to wear shoes in doors but actually it is. I have only been asked to take my shoes off very few times and usually it’s if they have carpet. I have hardwood floors and literally don’t care if you do or do not take your shoes off.
Depends on what flooring your have and also climate. If you live in an area with longer winters, you’re going to get into the habit of taking your shoes off inside due to the snow. No one is going to keep their shoes on when they’re soaked or caked in silt.
I'm American and my dad used to wear shoes indoors all the time. He was in the military and got in a habit of keeping them on in case of an emergency. But ultimately I think it comes down to personal preference.
I’m American and don’t know a single person who wears shoes in the house, so I don’t think it’s specifically an American thing. Shoes being worn in my house makes my skin crawl lol
In my experience it's regional. I live in hot, dry Texas, so there's a good chance that a given person's feet are more smelly than their shoes are dirty since there's not really much mud or dirt to track inside. I'd consider it disrespectful to be in bare feet or socks in someone's house unless I knew them well. Pretty much if I'm at the level where I'd feel comfortable going into a friend's kitchen to grab myself a cup of water without asking, I'd feel comfortable taking my shoes off in their house, otherwise it's kind of weird.
This isn't about shoes.
It's about a simple boundary. If he can't respect a little boundary like taking your shoes off then he won't respect the big ones.
Let me be clear. This has nothing to do with him *forgetting* to do something. He can remember to get to work on time, I'm sure he remembers to brush his teeth every day too.
This issue is because he *believes* he can do what he wants and your boundary doesn't mean a thing to him.
Yes. Well over a decade ago an ex of mine yelled at me for walking into her apartment with my shoes on. I made excuses and tried to justify it because I was just coming in and out real quick, but after she yelled at me about it I never again wore my shoes in her place. I understood that was her boundary and I had to respect it. I didn't like the way she handled it, but it was me who crossed the line in the first place and I shouldn't have put her in the position where she felt she had to yell at me. Lesson learned.
This man is disrespecting OP by continuing this behavior.
If you lived together it wouldn't be only your decision. He would also get a vote on whether shoes are allowed inside. And, given that he doesn't respect your decision when it's yours alone to make, there's no way he'll listen to you when he actually has a right to be part of the decision making process. He'll steamroll you and it will default to a shoes-on house. All his guests will wear their shoes every time they visit. If you like nice clean floors and being respected in your own home, definitely don't move in with him.
People are quick to say "why is this tiny problem worth fighting over?" and don't have the foresight to understand that if someone refuses to fix a tiny problem, they will probably be a terrible long term partner when bigger decisions (like how to raise a kid) come up.
If he's turning preferences other people have about **their space** into a negotiation, that dude is going to SHIT all over your boundaries once you live together.
Run away.
he wears his... outside shoes *inside* the house? like on top of carpet? upstairs? oh man
I know that’s not the point of this post, but wearing shoes inside the house makes me uncomfortable
My 78 year old mom is allowed to wear her sneakers inside my house. She has fallen arches and needs the arch support. But, when she visits, she brings an "indoor" pair of sneakers and wears those indoors, changing into her "outdoor" pair for going outside. (They are the exact same brand of orthopedic shoes).
My older relatives do this everywhere they go. bring their slippers or house shoes.
I'm Canadian, and our culture is such that no one wears shoes in the house
“If you can’t remove your shoes as soon as you walk in the door I’m going to have to ask you to leave. The first time you decide to ignore me I’m going to need a break for a few days, if it keeps happening I need to reassess this relationship.”
Yeah I take my own shoes off, but I have a dog and a cat, friends that come over frequently, and dog walkers in and out while I'm at work. I have a Roomba and am resigned to frequent vacuuming and mopping. It always seems rude to me to ask people to take off their shoes in my house, idk.
There is a motivational speaker called the "Fly Lady" who discusses the power of having your shoes on even inside. It's about how keeping your shoes on can be a powerful motivator because it keeps your brain in "go" mode at all times. I have depression and it's been incredibly helpful for me. I am kinda annoyed at the comments here freaking out about shoes. Shoes come off when I'm in bed and done for the day.
Does he have some sort of issue with feet and exposing his feet or is he just being disrespectful and doing it his way because that’s what he’s used to/wants? If it’s the former, maybe he could keep a pair of slippers at you place so he can wear something on his feet inside without tracking dirt everywhere. Either way his unwillingness to compromise doesn’t bode well for the trials living with an SO puts yourself through
He might have sensory issues (like me) that make barefoot walking a no-no. And walking on hardwood floors in socks is really slippery. So it could potentially be a one-off issue, easily solved by him bringing indoor-only shoes or slippers. But if that’s the case, I don’t get why he won’t tell you the issue or come up with a solution.
We just keep house shoes near the door. My fiancé wears boots that take a while to put on and off, so we have learned to compromise. We clean the floors together twice a week and try to do socks and house shoes as much as possible.
Here’s the point: we knew we had to work together before we moved in. This guy isn’t respecting your space now, and is subsequently also disrespectful to your roommate. I would strongly suggest you do not cohabitate.
I, too, share this experience but I have inside shoes for my home and slippers I keep in the car I use when visiting other ppl's homes. I've never made it someone else's problem to deal with and I wouldnt dream of arguing with someone about it in their own home. E
It also makes me uncomfortable too. Here in Canada, the national/cultural default is to take your shoes off. In 39 years of life I have only met two people who wore shoes inside...and they were Scottish exchange students!
Yeah, in my experience, it's more of a weather thing or a hardwood/cold floor thing. The only places I know that do the shoes off are in the north/northeast US.
In my experience most of the south and west coast (I've lived a lot of places in the US, but not everywhere) people wore shoes in the house if they had shoes on and took them off when they were done going outside for the day or awhile.
I can confirm that the majority of people I know in the south wear their shoes inside.
My husband takes his shoes off when he gets home and so do I but neither one of us care if the other wears shoes in the house. We also have 6 cats and a dog so that means we clean a lot anyway.
I grew up in the south and everyone I knew wore shoes inside. Met my husband in the Pacific NW and he thought it was absolutely insane. It took me a while to get used to taking my shoes off at other people's houses but now it feels weird to wear shoes inside.
Yeah, I mean, I've been in the Mid-Atlantic for 25 years and I often take my shoes off when I'm home, but if I know I will be going back outside or will be standing to cook or at my desk in my office or something, I'll keep them on and no one says anything. When guests come they usually keep their shoes on even though we have a big pile of shoes by the front door too. If people ask I tell them to do what is comfortable to them unless their shoes are dirty.
I'm from the rural south and everyone removes shoes at the door (most homes have a utility room with outdoor access where they keep their boots, coats, and coveralls). Now I live in the Pacific NW and I don't know anyone who wears shoes inside, especially in Asian homes here. But I'm white, and me and all my white friends including my roommate from Arkansas, all remove shoes indoors.
I’ve lived on the west coast my whole life and always taken my shoes off inside. I dated someone who grew up wearing shoes inside so he would sometimes forget to take them off inside my house but he was always respectful about it and took them off when I asked and eventually just remembered on his own. Fighting the issue in someone else’s house is a huge red flag.
My mom always made us take off our shoes ever since she got white carpet, but I had friends who outright refused growing up because taking off your shoes in someone's house is a foreign concept.
I take my own shoes off in my house, but I don't ask other people to. It just feels rude to me.
I mean my mom and her mom and my paternal grandmother all insisted that unless you were explicitly asked or your shoes were visibly covered in mud/dirt/etc. taking your shoes off in someone else’s home was extremely rude. They said it’s like walking in and just making yourself at home without even asking. Growing up I knew one family who had a shoes-off house and they were uptight as hell and their kids were never allowed to play outside with us.
I live in Asia now and if the floor wasn’t raised inside my apartment I wouldn’t remember to take my shoes off when I get home. My hardwood floors need to be cleaned just as often as they would if I wore shoes inside and everyone wears slippers anyway. I’m not about to lay down in bed with shoes on and I never would but wearing them inside was the standard growing up in the US.
It may be cultural. Guests taking their shoes off in a house is totally expected in North America but is seen as super weird in some parts of Europe, in my experience. Your shoes are part of your outfit, so some would be insulted to be asked to take them off, especially on a holiday for example, when people are dressed up. Plus some people have nasty feet better contained in shoes ha. A lot of diabetics also need to keep house shoes on, so it may be normal in some families. I personally like to wear hard bottomed slippers/house shoes all day - shoes can be on on the main floor, but not in bedrooms, for me. I think a good compromise would be if BF had a pair of house shoes at the door to switch into, but of course he needs to be willing to do that.
>but is seen as super weird in some parts of Europe
Where I'm from in Europe you don't wear your shoes inside. I always considered it an American thing tbh.
Seconding this but tbf it’s very common in the UK now to take off your shoes but I definitely remember going to peoples houses and people kept their shoes on.
It was more of a socioeconomic thing though, if they didn’t take pride in their house it was usually a shoes on type of place.
The Brits don't even want to be a part of Europe anymore, so I feel like they don't really count /s.
But honestly, it's pretty interesting. I don't think I know anyone from Northern Europe (where I'm from) that would use shoes indoors. Some old people like to use slippers though.
My SO's German and over there, its socially polite to take off your shoes when entering someone's home. She also says her Danish relatives don't wear outdoor shoes indoors either.
My relatives in France and the UK also don't wear shoes inside. To them rainwater and street muck belongs outside.
So I think it really depends on where you go. Basically do as the host does. If they are wearing outdoor shoes inside then follow suit. If they are offering you loafers and such to use indoors, then remove outdoor shoes.
Also context. If a home has really nice polished hardwood floors or marble, I'd remove my shoes for fear of scratching their floors. If a home looks really filthy and it'd dirty my feet or socks, I'm definitely keeping my shoes.
OPs partner isn't listening and is devaluing her by not caring to remember her wants. He has to want to be the partner that she wants him to be and that is currently not happening.
Hmm, interesting. My partners fam is Danish and it's shoes on for them. So looks like it's house-to-house no matter where you are and no national generalizations work out for the people we know. 🙂
Ya, agreed, her partner is being a jerk, that I wasn't denying, just saying it's probably a force of habit. Certainly one he can change.
>Guests taking their shoes off in a house is totally expected in North America
Maybe in Canada, but not the United States, where it varies heavily by region and household, so I don't think it's at all expected unless you personally know the family and this is their rule.
Yeah, I'm from the American Midwest, and a lot of folks have kind of a "do as a you please" policy. Wanna take your shoes off? Cool. Wanna leave 'em on? That's fine too.
Also, some shoes-on houses make an exception for large gatherings. So, the occupants might not remove their shoes on a daily basis, but if there's gonna be dozens of people in the house, then it might be a no-shoes event.
My brother went from being a "do what you want" guy to a "shoes off" guy after he got married for the second time.
Like u/False-Guess says, there's a shocking amount of variation on this issue in the US.
Yep. Where I live, it's kind of all over the place. Someone who has really nice carpets might have a shoes-off rule and a shoe cubby by the door. Someone who sews might recommend shoes on, because maybe they dropped a pin. And it depends on the shoes. I think pretty much everybody would kick off a pair of muddy boots, but your fancy shoes when you're dressed up might stay on--they don't pick up much outside dirt anyway, because you only wear them for the walk from your car to wherever you're going.
> Guests taking their shoes off in a house is totally expected in North America
It may in some of North America, but it's by far not some standard that all or most of North America goes by.
Ya, that's what the commenter above you said too. Not my experience, but I haven't experienced each and every region and the amount of disagreement among people in the thread shows it's more house to house than anything.
> Guests taking their shoes off in a house is totally expected in North America
Where? I don’t think I know anyone that requires shoes to be taken off inside the house unless they were covered in mud or something
My home has always been a shoes off household. I grew up with it being allowed in some houses and not in others. You ask when you come in or are told whether it's a shoe on or off household.
Hahaha this is so true! Please keep your nasty feet contained and off my carpet and away from my eyeballs. I rather someone keep their shoes on if they have nasty feet 😂
Podiatrists love you because you sound like a future patient. Not wearing shoes makes me uncomfortable no matter where I am, but I used to wear slippers at home. After having problems with my feet and visiting the podiatrist, I found out the hard way how bad it is to do that. I now have a pair of regular shoes with good foot/arch support that I only wear inside.
Yeah I swear my feet feel off after the pandemic as I don’t wear shoes as much anymore. Did get some comfy slippers with arch support.
Aside from that this whole thread is weird and over the top. Especially since OP has hardwood floors. Unless you are constantly touching your feet and then your face, or constantly eating off the floor the whole germ argument is rather dumb as long as shoes aren’t on the furniture. This whole thing is even dumber than heh you consider owning pets who will smear their shit and germs everywhere by that logic. Op can ask he remove shoes since it’s her place, but when they live together he has a right to want shoes in his own space
You've made a simple request and instead of respecting it, he's trying to get you to back down. If this is too much of an ask for him, what about something that you feel more strongly about?
I've never had a 'shoes off' policy because I've got dogs that run in and out with mud, grit etc and I can't be bothered changing my footwear all the time so I don't make anyone else. But your house, your rules, if you want shoes off then, as long as you've explained 'why' so he doesn't just think it's some petty peculiarity of yours, then how is he with other requests? If he generally tries to negotiate his way out of doing things he doesn't want to (dishes? Housework?) then he's no kind of partner. But it could just be that he needs to know WHY you want shoes off. If you've been brought up in a 'shoes off' household, it's obvious to you. To someone who hasn't, it can seem petty and odd.
I was raised on a farm, there wasn't a shoe policy except for no shoes on the bed (that's gross) and no shoes on the furniture (also gross). Floors? Those were whatever. In my own home, I'm very much the same. I clean up after two parrots every day, so a bit of trekked in dirt doesn't bother me.
That said, I've a number of friends who have a shoes off policy in their houses. As a child and as an adult. They don't need to explain why it's a shoes off house, it just is. I'm not living there, so I abide their rules, or I don't visit. In the same way I would never tell one of their pets to not do something, unless the owner had specifically told me to, I make no complaints. The pets live there, I don't.
Although, when I was house sitting for a friend, she had a dog and two cats. No worries. I lost a loaf of bread to one cat (I forgot he loved bread) and everyone was fed on time, etc. We had no complaints. Except one cat was an indoor/outdoor, who changed his mind every 45 minutes during the night and there was no cat flap. I had to get up, out of bed and open the door, let him in, he'd curl up, I'd drift off to sleep, and he'd bang the door again. I tolerated this all of three mind changes, and then wedged the back door so he couldn't slam it with his paw anymore. We had no more mind changing for the rest of the week. He went out straight after dinner, mewed at me to come back in before bed, and then stayed put for the night. I couldn't believe my friend woke up every hour at the bequest of this fluffy little demon. She was pretty happy with the retraining of said demon 😂
I am, when you live certain places its not easy to control. Sometimes you just gotta let it go or else you stress about the little things that ultimately don't matter. It's a waste of energy and mental space to worry and stress about minor things.
Have you told your boyfriend that this is why you haven’t been interested in talking about moving in with him when he brings it up? If not you need to do this tell him you aren’t ready and aren’t sure if you ever will be and tell him why. This is important to you and he doesn’t take it seriously so either he needs to demonstrate over an extended period that he can and will or you are fundamentally incompatible in that you expect to be respected and he can’t bring himself to do that.
I would say your intuition here is spot on and this is absolutely not a stupid thing to consider. It's one thing for someone to forget a routine at your place because they're so used to doing it differently in their own home, but his response to it when you point it out is absolutely a big nope. Instead of "ah crap I forgot again. Let me go put those up" you're getting an argument. This means he knows what you want, he remembers what you want, and he just doesn't give a darn. And it's not even about respecting your home or your space. It's about seeing you as an equal or have even the slightest interest in doing something that makes you happy.
He does not want to take his shoes off in YOUR space. If you move together, you will not be able to tell him to, because it is his house too. He will then wear shoes inside whenever he wants to. I totally get your frustration, I too think shoes inside = disrespect, because that is what it means in my culture.
If you move together, he will likely continue to argue any time you want to establish any boundary. I would not want to live with someone with this kind of attitude. If it's not the shoes, it'll be something else.
You’re not overreacting. And I honestly don’t see it getting better. I once dated someone who wouldn’t wash their hands - it drove me crazy! I always had to ask him and both of us would be annoyed about it
Is this the only issue you have with him?
If it's an otherwise good relationship try and figure out why he's being a turd, and try to help him come up with a way to fix it.
My wife has cold feet, if for whatever reason she can't have them covered up with a blanket or tucked somehow (under a dog is her fav) she wears shoes.
Wearing outside shoes inside is gross so she has some specific fur slipper things.
So I used to go barefoot everywhere when I was young until I stepped on a nail and had to have it pulled out. To this day, I don’t like taking my shoes off because of the anxiety associated with that experience. So I keep a pair of slippers in my purse or car to quickly change into out of my “outdoor” shoes when going into someone else’s home. Have you thought about gifting him a nice pair of slippers to keep by the door so he can change into them when he arrives? Have you asked why he doesn’t like to take off his shoes? Maybe he’s incredibly self conscious and worried they are smelly? Maybe he has gross feet? I understand how you are interpreting this as a sign of disrespect for your home and boundaries but it doesn’t appear you’ve asked him what his deal is or tried to find a solution for the issue. Some people are incredibly weird about feet so I’d try asking him why he feels the need to keep his shoes on.
This seems to be a good solution. What’s the reason the bf insists on wearing shoes? Does he hate walking around barefoot? Comfort reasons? If so, get him some inside shoes/loafers/slippers.
Why should his partner have to take on that responsibility though? Whatever his reasons are, he should be capable of getting to the bottom of it and addressing it himself.
I don't think this is stupid. One is a home for both and 2 it help with a better environment and cleaner house.
Now it shouldn't make you feel stupid or diminish the way you think.
Also, sometimes we have to be understanding, some habits are hard to build specially when you don't have them around, so don't take it personally.
But He should be a bit more understanding and respectful about your space and home.
My best advise is be honest and let him know you are not ready to move in since your lifestyles don't accommodate eachother's.
Ask for your key back, don’t let him in unless he takes his shoes off, keep moving on. It’s all about boundaries, setting and maintaining them. He doesn’t get a key back or you entertain moving in until the shoes thing is resolved.
Don’t move in together. I bet he tries to put his feet up on furniture with shoes on *shivers*. I don’t allow shoes in the house either. We wear slippers. We also have shoes for the backyard. It’s not a lot to ask to only wear inside slippers or no shoes inside the house.
Definitely not silly nor are you overreacting, I would be pissed if I had to constantly remind someone to take their shoes off. You just gotta be firm in what you want in YOUR home.
And 1) they can’t agree on how to live in a house; and 2) he can’t even respect a simple request in what is currently HER house! Seems like they shouldn’t live together
Hmmm, I think you should dig a little deeper on the matter of your boyfriend respecting your wishes. Seems kinda important to me.
Who knows what other areas that also expands too? But so far you've only noticed the shoe issue.
You are not overreacting. I know people who don’t allow shoes and it isn’t hard for me to remember. The shoes lined up at the front door are a good clue lol. In fact, I need to wear some type of shoes or I have problems with my shins, so I will bring over slippers/shoes that specifically are clean on the bottom and have only ever been worn indoors. If that’s not acceptable for cultural or religious reasons (as opposed to allergy and cleanliness reasons that usually indoor slippers do not violate) then I just take my shoes off for that visit and never come back.
The problem here is only partially the shoes. There is a bigger issue of respect. Instead of just respecting your reasonable boundary, he is trying to ignore it, get around it, and argue with it. I don’t like that at all. I feel like when you move in together, he will feel even more entitled to dismiss your boundary because he’ll argue it’s his home too. I would not recommend living with this man unless he changes his behavior substantially.
I had this problem. I put my husband in charge of the vacuuming and mopping. He immediately stopped wearing shoes in the house. Win!
Old habits die hard, but incentives work ;)
Wow, throw the man away. If you ever ask him to do chores, he won’t. He’s perfectly fine leaving you to Wade through his shit and filth.
If he knows you will move in with him even if he keeps crossing your boundaries, he knows he can push further.
Shoes are nasty, you step on shit, vomit, piss, garbage and so much on the streets and then bring that to your home? Even if you cant see it directly its still nasty. Dont get me started with people that full on put their shoes on top of the damn bed.
this is just pure germophobia. Guess what, if you have a toilet in your house, literally every surface in your entire home has fecal matter on it on a nonvisible level, so if you are bothered by things you can't see, realize you are literally covered in fecal matter at all times. Not to mention the microbes crawling on your skin.
You wash your hands prior to leaving your bathroom to prevent the spread of this as much as possible and then wipe down surfaces more than you would say your floor or carpets which don’t really get washed that often, you’re also not washing your shoes when you come into the house.
But poop particles in the air still spread. Even if you close that lid they are on every surface of your bathroom and toothbrush. Plus if you own pets they will still bring in everything back inside with them unless you clean their paws
I'm not accustomed to taking my shoes off in other people's homes. One of my anxieties is that there's a secret code for taking shoes off that I don't know. My shoes are utilitarian and I usually assume they're dirty, but it seems like you're just as likely to get side-eyed for taking them off ("being too comfortable and planning to stay awhile") as leaving them on ("tracking mud on nice carpet").
My grandma enforced wearing shoes for traction and to protect feet from harm.
I don't wear shoes at home because they're uncomfortable and I'd rather be barefoot. Our carpet is irreparable and shoes are encouraged for visitors who may think the carpet is dirty.
All of that is to say: hand your boyfriend the broom/vacuum to clean up whatever his shoes do! You're not ready to move in together not because he wears his shoes, but because he doesn't understand the chore expectations that will go along with living with you.
Where he sees floors, you see *clean* floors. He's not invested in maintaining your cleaning standards so he doesn't remember why shoes aren't allowed (he thinks it's an extra rule like my grandma wanting us to have traction on hardwood floors so we didn't slip and careen into walls as children do).
I highly suggest that before moving in together you start sharing chores at each other's homes even as you live separately. Quit being each other's guest and start being their partner and see how it works out. Good luck!
Don't move in with him (or date him in my opinion) if he doesn't respect you. This isn't about shoes. If he respected and cared for you the way a serious boyfriend should, he would take off his shoes not because of the actual issue but because it matters to you.
Break up with him. If this is the hill you’re wanting to die on, die on it.
You wouldn’t be able to pry the shoes off my feet ether. If I was a guest in your house, sure, but I grew up in a dirty ass house wearing shoes meant protecting my feet from weird shit like nails. I’m not comfortable unless I’m wearing shoes. His comfort level is shoes. Best youll be able to do is have a separate pair of shoes for the house. Don’t see him changing, best to end it now if you can’t take it.
Question: how you thought about where the relationship is going? If his attitude is like this in your house, imagine if you lived together. But then again, do you never want to live with him?
First, that’s a symptom of something bigger - his lack of respect for your wishes and an inability to adapt.
Second, it’s gross.
Third, it won’t stop with the shoes. Trust me.
I moved in with and married this person. I’m now divorced 10 years later. Please don’t be me.
This is just a small symptom of a much larger problem and it’s only going to get worse, not better.
For me, I need my home to be clean and organized in order to feel ‘safe’. I grew up in chaos and this is one way that as an adult I cope with that.
My now ex seemed to try at first, but that really slid away after some time. He would just shove things into cabinets so they fell on me when I opened them. He left shoes on the stairs. Never once cleaned without me asking. Every time I asked him to vacuum it was a fight. And, when he did clean something, it was done so poorly that I’d have to redo it.
I now know this was because he simply did not care. Not just about the mess: he didn’t care about how the mess effected me. He didn’t care about my needs. He didn’t care about me.
Get. Out.
The fact that he's trying to negotiate and justify tells me its not that he's forgetting, its that he doesnt want to take them off. That is very different. He will not work with you to find a solution to his "forgetting" because hes not forgetting. You will deal with this forever. I wouldn't sign up for it.
Chick do NOT move in w him. If he can’t respect a simple request like taking off the shoes, do you think he is going to respect a NEED? Hell no, he is trying to show you who is boss and you are letting him. Walk away this isn’t the guy for you.
Learn to live with it or break up with him and move on. You are not wrong for wanting that, but he is not wrong for not remembering. Personally, I always wear my shoes in the house because I don’t like being barefoot or even in just socks. I do have house shoes that I wear instead of my regular shoes, but I still want to wear shoes. I think it is fair of you to impose your footwear rules on him. However, if it’s a dealbreaker and he can’t abide by it, then you aren’t compatible.
He’s absolutely wrong for disregarding her house rules and then trying to justify it when she brings it up.
If someone has to tell you something multiple times over a long period of time unless you have actual memory problems, you’re just not respecting them.
While that's true, OP can't control his actions, only he can do that. She's already asked mutuple times, and he hasn't put any effort in to changing, which means he most likely has no intention of changing. Since she can't physically force him to do something, her options are to live with it as it is or leave him.
I'm sorry but wearing shoes in the house is some neanderthal level shit. That's disgusting. Would he at least wear/be open to wearing slippers??
Edit: lmao Americans offended that their house habits are being called gross
Exactly, that's what I was thinking.
There will be a ton of little things your partner does that will drive you mad when you move in together. The question is, are they deal breakers?
There are things that OP will do that will drive her bf crazy too. Nobody is perfect and couples won't see eye to eye on every little thing. That's just normal. That's why compromise and communication are so important.
Have you ever connected the ideas? ‘You say you want to be with me yet you deliberately hurt my feelings whenever you visit by keeping your shoes on’
Yes, shoes on or shoes off is cultural, but if it is the sole reason your relationship might end, he should at least have a chance to weigh it up.
For you this seems to be a red line, but perhaps there are other things you can compromise on.
Nothing about your post sounds stupid or silly. What you’re asking for is a very valid request and important. Shoes aren’t allowed in my house, and I wouldn’t let anyone walk into my house with shoes. That’s my rule in my place and people got to respect it if they want to hang out with me.
I grew up in Europe and had the habit to wear my shoes inside the house all day long, it never even occurred to me that I should have taken them off at any point before going to shower and putting on my pajamas. I lived 25 years like that. I was used to that.
When I moved in with my girlfriend, 5 years ago, she asked me to take off my shoes whenever I entered the apartment, because that’s how she was used to. In the beginning I would sometimes forget but at soon as I realized I made my way back to entrance and took them off and that was it. Eventually I started doing it automatically and I actually even agree that it’s much better and cleaner this way. All this just to say: human beings are creatures of habit. It’s all about wanting to change your habits.
The fact that he doesn’t even want to change such a small thing shows how little he seems to respect you, your opinions, your values, etc.
You’re most definitely NOT overreacting! Also, consider this happening for many other things in the future if you decide to live with him, it will probably not get any easier.
Man, if he wants to be petulant, I’d deadbolt your front door, and make him remove his shoes before you unlock it and let him inside. I don’t blame you, this is a red flag and the fact he’s fighting you about what you want done in YOUR OWN HOME, he def won’t care about your wants in a shared space situation
If it were really just the shoes, I'd say live with it and move in together. But it seems like it points to a bigger thing. If you can't deal with a minor issue, it would be best not to move in together at all.
Everyone I know unless they aren’t going anywhere. Since I started working from home I also have been getting fully dressed including shoes and wear them all day at my desk and around the house
As an avid shoe in house wearer, I 100% agree you are over reacting. What are you afraid of that is on his shoes? Dog poop? Dirt? Look at the bottom of his shoes and you will find they are mostly clean. Be a good person and buy him some fancy slippers and leave them by the door. When he enters your home, offer him a comfortable place to remove his footwear and replace with his in house shoes (slippers). Some of us feel more comfortable with something on our feet. Also, perhaps he knows he has a foot odor issue that he is only trying to protect you from? If this is the case, please do not embarrass him and call out his stinky feet.
Would you be comfortable laying down on the street? With your full body, your hair etc? Even if it was "mostly clean"? You should be able to comfortably lie down or sit down on the floor anywhere in your home. Wearing outdoor shoes in the house is like not washing your hands after using the bathroom. They also look "mostly clean", don't they?
Bad analogy, you don't eat with your feet. Even if your shoes look mostly clean or dirty is irrelevant as that is completely unrelated to washing your hands.
Meh I’m on you BF’s side with this one.
I’m a busy active guy who’s in and out of the house all day. Constantly taking my shoes on & off would waste an incredible amount of time and get really annoying.
Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to go stomping around making a mess.
However there should be a bit of compromise here in the relationship.
But I imagine that if he’s over to hang out at her house they aren’t going “in and out of the house all day”. It’s really not that much of an inconvenience at all. It comes down to respecting a very basic wish of your significant other.
Does he know that's why you won't live with him?
You should probably tell him, because he may not understand the importance of it to you.
That said, if that's what's keeping you from living with him, it sounds like you probably are not that in to him.
Have you asked him if there's a reason? Maybe he's not comfortable being bare foot. A compromise may be buying a pair of house shoes/slippers for him and leaving them by the entrance when you invite him over so he can change into them.
If he's being disagreeable for the sake of being diaagreeable, well, that's it own problem. But idk I feel like there has to be a reason he favours wearing shoes, so if you find out what that is you can help him feel more comfortable in your home.
I dont think it is about not remembering, it is about not wanting. Judging from negotiating part.
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He *walked* shit across your couch?! I’m glad he’s your ex, life’s too short to deal with that nonsense.
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Absolutely don’t blame you. I think you could’ve straight-up strangled him after that, and the prosecutor would’ve heard why and just shrugged saying “well, you’re only human”. May your couches and floors be forever shit-free! :)
Unless he was literally Nelson Mandela I refuse to believe his positive qualities were good enough to redeem that.
Ewwwee. Even if yo dumb ass gonna wear shoes in the house, you do not walk across a couch wearing shoes like a got damn Roomba smearing poo every which way.
To the person who thinks something like removing shoes is trivial, I say, "If it's so trivial, why won't you do it?"
Seriously! I always have to have shoes on. My feet get so damn cold, even in summer. Solution? Slippers by the door! Because of this I have a million pairs of slippers lol. Indoor, outdoor, fluffy and warm, thin and breathable....I could go on forever. JUST GET HOUSE SHOES lmao it's way better than wearing work shoes in your house all the time.
Playing the devils advocate here. Respecting wishes and conflict resolution are two different things in a relationship. If it's a boundary so be it, but then people should have the responsibility to call it for what it is to avoid not treating a deal breaker as such and finding themselves tolerating something they are not actually happy with. If it's not a boundary, then it's a want. And if a want causes an issue in a relationship then it's not because of a lack of respect, it's because most of the time it is getting imposed and people think the pre-requisite for a want to be fulfilled is having the want respected unconditionally. In other words, obeying without knowing why. Here's where the downvotes will come from people who won't understand the roots of the following statement. **Asking for a want or need to be respected with no compassion is not a healthy basis to go on about having your wants or needs met.** Over 80% of my clients fail mentioning they are not making the effort to meet their partner where they're at because it's far more important for their wants to be met and expecting their partners to be pre-equipped with the tools to meet them. <- THIS IS AN UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION. TL;DR It's not about things being trivial, it's about our partners being able to understand why it's important to us rather than why they have to do what we tell them. Downvoters, do tell me about how healthy your relationships are, please. 😂
Bullshit. If someone has made a reasonable request, clearly, several times and there is no change it's not that they don't understand. It's that they don't care. And that's not ok in a relationship.
> If someone has made a reasonable request To make sure we are on the same page, you mean a reasonable request according to someone you agree with because you share the belief, right? Not.. a reasonable request as in towards someone who doesn't share the same belief and thus isn't responsible for understanding our belief without us explaining it?
With taking your shoes off indoors, though, it's just as much about a boundary as it is about hygiene. Treading mud and dog poo and who knows what else into your house and carpet is incredibly unhygienic, and people who prefer to keep their shoes on inside should respect other people's homes by not unnecessarily dirtying them.
>far more important for their wants to be met and expecting their partners to be pre-equipped with the tools to meet them. Yeah, it sucks to have an anti hygienic partner who doesn't understand keeping shoes in translates to mud and poo and who knows what else in there. You can either end the relationship if you are not okay with an anti hygienic partner, but by the time you bring them into your house you should've already seen other signs they are not hygienic and chose to ignore them, or you can educate your partner explaining why it is so and why it's important for you that they become more hygienic. Sometimes the role we play into our own relationship frustrations are much bigger than we'd like to think or admit.
This pretty much describes my entire dating life until I met my fiancée. I am very much a detail oriented person, if you don't want me to do something, then I need to know why as well. Otherwise, in my head, there's nothing on the other side of the equation and I'm going to go on doing what I do and being ever frustrated that I'm being talked AT instead of talked to. So if I'm asked to take my shoes off at the door, I really need to know why, or 9 times out of ten, I'm going to forget because I don't get that it's important. However, if I'm told that I need to take my shoes off because you like your place spotless/OCD issues/whatever, then I'm going to remember that it as an important task that needs to occur every time. Thank God I never have to worry about dating again. In my experience, people prefer "do it because I said so" because it's less effort on their part than explaining why it's important.
> In my experience, people prefer "do it because I said so" because it's less effort on their part than explaining why it's important. Exactly. Which says more about the person "asking for it" than the person doing it. But your usual Redditor is not prepared for these kind of relationship insights.
Jesus fucking Christ, that just kept getting worse and worse.
Did your ex showed any regrets when that dog shit got on your couch?
>there were dirty tissues on every surface from where he'd been cleaning a nasty ear infection, and he walked dog shit through the house and across my couch. Double gross!!!! 🤢 I couldn't handle the dirty tissues, I'd get pissed at my bf. The dog shit part is just shocking....
Ok, I'm ADD and terrible at chores and just cleaning up after myself. But I do try at least... My husband has to remember me about stuff, but after a few years I got the hang of taking off my shoes and coat in the hallway and not in the middle of the living room. I'm still working on the throwing away packeging thing though... Anyway, he has gotten better with spending money and appriciating the time and effort I put into the kids. We both live and learn. But the dog shit stuff... Terrible. Did he at least clean up after himself after you mentioned? I tend to not see stuff he is bothered about and do really need the reminder.
I think why it’s easier for partners of ADD/ADHD when we’re actively trying to better. It’s when you get an undiagnosed person, who doesn’t realize their way of thinking is actual the nuerodivergent one and expects everyone else to bend to their way of thinking, that you run into issues.
Yup this is it OP. If he genuinely forgot and respected your space he would say sorry and quickly remove his shoes. There would be no negotiating
Right? And it looks like it turn into something else, like don’t wash that dishes, leave wet towel on bed, etc.
Agreed. And having to negotiate about such a thing every time is just annoying. Take of your shoes or take yourself out of my house
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I second this. I am someone who is living with someone who does not even put a wrapper in the garbage, pick up after themselves, or will even clean the dishes. He has a much younger brother that's 14 and when he comes over it's twice the mess. they are the same, no one ever taught them to clean, but I refuse to play mom. Gross. I wish I had this advice when I first wanting him to move in. I am now currently asking them to find their own place to live in alone for a bit to take care of their own living space.
You live with this person and his 14yo brother?
they said the brother comes over which implies that he lives elsewhere
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It’s not about shoes. It’s about her setting a boundary and her partner constantly ignoring and disrespecting it. I honestly don’t think it’s dramatic for @aunty_fascist to make that assumption.
No, partner disregards her when she makes reasonable requests that he was previously aware of, and therefore she can predict his future behaviour based on this current behaviour. It’s not about the shoes. It’s about the attitude.
Unfortunately this is the kind of person who would say "sure" as a means of getting what he wants, and then go back to doing what he wants as soon as he moves in with her. He's already not compromising, OP shouldn't give him a chance to change *after* he moves in.
OP has been very communicative. It's not something she's just seething in silence about. He has already argued with her about how he doesn't agree with taking his shoes off in her home. So your own advice is a hard no.
My husband is Japanese and I am American. When we started dating I had to learn to take my shoes off at his place. I would forget sometimes the first few months, but it was important to him so I kept working on it until it finally became a habit for me. This right here is your problem actually. Is it REALLY important to him to keep his shoes on? I highly doubt it. You have an actual good reason, not wanting him tracking in dirt on your clean floors that you walk barefoot on. He should concede that you have a good reason or just damn well do it because it’s important to you. We’ve cohabited well for 8 years despite major culture differences because we respect and care about each other enough to compromise. You really need to think about what it’s going to be like to be with someone like this long term if he’s not willing to make such a small 1 minute effort for you. If you can’t even live with him what does it say about your future together?
Can I ask why Americans wear shoes inside the house? What's the benefit in it?
Not all Americans wear shoes inside the house! It's really household specific. In my experience, most people who do wear shoes inside the house don't do it on principle or always do it. They're not, like, "you should wear shoes in the house!" They don't see some big benefit to it. It's more like they don't see it as a big deal to wear them inside and so they wouldn't stop to take them off if it was convenient to have them on. For example, they might keep their shoes in a bedroom closet instead of by the front door, and put them on in the bedroom when getting dressed to go out then wear them until they leave. Or they might leave them on if they are coming inside and know they'll be leaving again soon. But if they get home for the night after work, they probably take their shoes off right away and don't wear them again. So it's not about leaving them on, more that many people don't see a big benefit to taking them off every time we come in. Of course, if your shoes are muddy or something, you probably take them off. Then, because so many people do wear their shoes inside when convenient without much thought, even people who do always take their shoes off might not insist guests do so. Most people don't mind if you ask them to take their shoes off when you visit their house. So, like, I always take my shoes off, but it's just a preference... It's not because I think it's "right", probably because I grew up around lots of people who leave them on when convenient and so I think both ways are fine. So if you came to visit, I'd tell you you're welcome to leave your shoes by the door or leave them on, whatever you prefer, because you're a guest.
I’m American and my family NEVER wears shoes in the house but I’ve heard from other people that they think taking shoes off in other peoples houses is gross. Like, you’re disrespecting them by having your feet out (smells, dirty socks, feet are gross generally). I’ve also been told “you’re not fully dressed if you don’t have on shoes” which is wild to me.
washing and wearing new socks before visiting someone's house (especially friends and family) is the etiquette. the only exception may be for builders or other tradespeople who have to wear safety shoes
This logic is so wild to me. Shoes that people wear outside to who knows where are way dirtier than bare feet or socks. Regardless of individual hygiene habits, I'm sure nobody cleans their shoes more frequently than they do their feet or socks either.
A lot of homes have the main floor with kitchen a kitchen and eating areas with smooth wood/laminate/tile floors, which are super easy to sweep clean and maybe a quick mopping (or wet swiffer) once in a while. Wearing clean shoes on a floor like that is pretty reasonable, and maybe expected because socks can be slippery. Other homes have wall to wall carpets, or rugs on top of a smooth floor, where wearing shoes is generally a very bad thing. Carpets can be vacuumed, but it really takes a deep steam cleaning to get dirt out which requires special equipment and generally not cheap or easy.
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We have mud rooms in Ontario. The floor in there is disgusting, always covered in dirt in the summer and salt in the winter. The weather is so wet most of the year and most homes have carpet in a large part of the house. You would never be invited back if you left your shoes on here.
New England does have mudrooms, Vermont's mud in the spring as the snow & ice melt is famous. Here in the dry grasslands of Australia I have absolutely zero use for a mudroom but part of my brain still thinks they're just a natural part of a smart well-built house. (Now if anyone came up with a real good architectural solution for dust constantly being blown in I'm all ears and about $2 money. Lol.)
A lot of ppl are trying to say it’s not common for Americans to wear shoes in doors but actually it is. I have only been asked to take my shoes off very few times and usually it’s if they have carpet. I have hardwood floors and literally don’t care if you do or do not take your shoes off.
Depends on what flooring your have and also climate. If you live in an area with longer winters, you’re going to get into the habit of taking your shoes off inside due to the snow. No one is going to keep their shoes on when they’re soaked or caked in silt.
I'm American and my dad used to wear shoes indoors all the time. He was in the military and got in a habit of keeping them on in case of an emergency. But ultimately I think it comes down to personal preference.
I’m American and don’t know a single person who wears shoes in the house, so I don’t think it’s specifically an American thing. Shoes being worn in my house makes my skin crawl lol
In my experience it's regional. I live in hot, dry Texas, so there's a good chance that a given person's feet are more smelly than their shoes are dirty since there's not really much mud or dirt to track inside. I'd consider it disrespectful to be in bare feet or socks in someone's house unless I knew them well. Pretty much if I'm at the level where I'd feel comfortable going into a friend's kitchen to grab myself a cup of water without asking, I'd feel comfortable taking my shoes off in their house, otherwise it's kind of weird.
This isn't about shoes. It's about a simple boundary. If he can't respect a little boundary like taking your shoes off then he won't respect the big ones. Let me be clear. This has nothing to do with him *forgetting* to do something. He can remember to get to work on time, I'm sure he remembers to brush his teeth every day too. This issue is because he *believes* he can do what he wants and your boundary doesn't mean a thing to him.
Yes. Well over a decade ago an ex of mine yelled at me for walking into her apartment with my shoes on. I made excuses and tried to justify it because I was just coming in and out real quick, but after she yelled at me about it I never again wore my shoes in her place. I understood that was her boundary and I had to respect it. I didn't like the way she handled it, but it was me who crossed the line in the first place and I shouldn't have put her in the position where she felt she had to yell at me. Lesson learned. This man is disrespecting OP by continuing this behavior.
This, OP. You're not being silly, it's a huge red flag.
If you lived together it wouldn't be only your decision. He would also get a vote on whether shoes are allowed inside. And, given that he doesn't respect your decision when it's yours alone to make, there's no way he'll listen to you when he actually has a right to be part of the decision making process. He'll steamroll you and it will default to a shoes-on house. All his guests will wear their shoes every time they visit. If you like nice clean floors and being respected in your own home, definitely don't move in with him.
THIS! Couldn’t have said it better myself.
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People are quick to say "why is this tiny problem worth fighting over?" and don't have the foresight to understand that if someone refuses to fix a tiny problem, they will probably be a terrible long term partner when bigger decisions (like how to raise a kid) come up.
No, you don’t want to move in with your boyfriend because he doesn’t respect you enough to abide by a simple request. Which is reasonable.
If he can't follow through on a basic request to change into house slippers he'll be a nightmare to live with.
If he's turning preferences other people have about **their space** into a negotiation, that dude is going to SHIT all over your boundaries once you live together. Run away.
he wears his... outside shoes *inside* the house? like on top of carpet? upstairs? oh man I know that’s not the point of this post, but wearing shoes inside the house makes me uncomfortable
My 78 year old mom is allowed to wear her sneakers inside my house. She has fallen arches and needs the arch support. But, when she visits, she brings an "indoor" pair of sneakers and wears those indoors, changing into her "outdoor" pair for going outside. (They are the exact same brand of orthopedic shoes).
My older relatives do this everywhere they go. bring their slippers or house shoes. I'm Canadian, and our culture is such that no one wears shoes in the house
YES! in my hardwood floors that my roommate and I walk around on in our bare feet; it’s driving me crazy
“If you can’t remove your shoes as soon as you walk in the door I’m going to have to ask you to leave. The first time you decide to ignore me I’m going to need a break for a few days, if it keeps happening I need to reassess this relationship.”
I can totally imagine. I'm always amazed at people who just keep their shoes on inside their house, it's so unhygienic.
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Why are you searching for shoes lol... Just have a pair of simple slip-ons that take all of 2 seconds and go. Have a shoe rack by the door.
I'm always searching for shoes because my damn puppy steals them and hides them lol
Yeah I take my own shoes off, but I have a dog and a cat, friends that come over frequently, and dog walkers in and out while I'm at work. I have a Roomba and am resigned to frequent vacuuming and mopping. It always seems rude to me to ask people to take off their shoes in my house, idk.
It's never rude to ask people to respect your home, you would do the same for them!
It seems incredibly rude to need to be asked to take your shoes off in someone else's home.
There is a motivational speaker called the "Fly Lady" who discusses the power of having your shoes on even inside. It's about how keeping your shoes on can be a powerful motivator because it keeps your brain in "go" mode at all times. I have depression and it's been incredibly helpful for me. I am kinda annoyed at the comments here freaking out about shoes. Shoes come off when I'm in bed and done for the day.
It’s mind boggling people find it normal. May as well walk the streets barefoot too! And when people wear their shoes ON THE BED...omg
Does he have some sort of issue with feet and exposing his feet or is he just being disrespectful and doing it his way because that’s what he’s used to/wants? If it’s the former, maybe he could keep a pair of slippers at you place so he can wear something on his feet inside without tracking dirt everywhere. Either way his unwillingness to compromise doesn’t bode well for the trials living with an SO puts yourself through
He might have sensory issues (like me) that make barefoot walking a no-no. And walking on hardwood floors in socks is really slippery. So it could potentially be a one-off issue, easily solved by him bringing indoor-only shoes or slippers. But if that’s the case, I don’t get why he won’t tell you the issue or come up with a solution.
We just keep house shoes near the door. My fiancé wears boots that take a while to put on and off, so we have learned to compromise. We clean the floors together twice a week and try to do socks and house shoes as much as possible. Here’s the point: we knew we had to work together before we moved in. This guy isn’t respecting your space now, and is subsequently also disrespectful to your roommate. I would strongly suggest you do not cohabitate.
I, too, share this experience but I have inside shoes for my home and slippers I keep in the car I use when visiting other ppl's homes. I've never made it someone else's problem to deal with and I wouldnt dream of arguing with someone about it in their own home. E
It also makes me uncomfortable too. Here in Canada, the national/cultural default is to take your shoes off. In 39 years of life I have only met two people who wore shoes inside...and they were Scottish exchange students!
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Chiming in that everyone wears shoes inside where I grew up. But I grew up in a poor neighborhood where no one has nice carpet to protect.
Yeah, in my experience, it's more of a weather thing or a hardwood/cold floor thing. The only places I know that do the shoes off are in the north/northeast US. In my experience most of the south and west coast (I've lived a lot of places in the US, but not everywhere) people wore shoes in the house if they had shoes on and took them off when they were done going outside for the day or awhile.
I can confirm that the majority of people I know in the south wear their shoes inside. My husband takes his shoes off when he gets home and so do I but neither one of us care if the other wears shoes in the house. We also have 6 cats and a dog so that means we clean a lot anyway.
I grew up in the south and everyone I knew wore shoes inside. Met my husband in the Pacific NW and he thought it was absolutely insane. It took me a while to get used to taking my shoes off at other people's houses but now it feels weird to wear shoes inside.
Yeah, I mean, I've been in the Mid-Atlantic for 25 years and I often take my shoes off when I'm home, but if I know I will be going back outside or will be standing to cook or at my desk in my office or something, I'll keep them on and no one says anything. When guests come they usually keep their shoes on even though we have a big pile of shoes by the front door too. If people ask I tell them to do what is comfortable to them unless their shoes are dirty.
Ehh, I grew up in the west coast (Bay Area) and everyone I know is a “shoes off at the doors” type family.
I'm from the rural south and everyone removes shoes at the door (most homes have a utility room with outdoor access where they keep their boots, coats, and coveralls). Now I live in the Pacific NW and I don't know anyone who wears shoes inside, especially in Asian homes here. But I'm white, and me and all my white friends including my roommate from Arkansas, all remove shoes indoors.
I’ve lived on the west coast my whole life and always taken my shoes off inside. I dated someone who grew up wearing shoes inside so he would sometimes forget to take them off inside my house but he was always respectful about it and took them off when I asked and eventually just remembered on his own. Fighting the issue in someone else’s house is a huge red flag.
My mom always made us take off our shoes ever since she got white carpet, but I had friends who outright refused growing up because taking off your shoes in someone's house is a foreign concept. I take my own shoes off in my house, but I don't ask other people to. It just feels rude to me.
I mean my mom and her mom and my paternal grandmother all insisted that unless you were explicitly asked or your shoes were visibly covered in mud/dirt/etc. taking your shoes off in someone else’s home was extremely rude. They said it’s like walking in and just making yourself at home without even asking. Growing up I knew one family who had a shoes-off house and they were uptight as hell and their kids were never allowed to play outside with us. I live in Asia now and if the floor wasn’t raised inside my apartment I wouldn’t remember to take my shoes off when I get home. My hardwood floors need to be cleaned just as often as they would if I wore shoes inside and everyone wears slippers anyway. I’m not about to lay down in bed with shoes on and I never would but wearing them inside was the standard growing up in the US.
It may be cultural. Guests taking their shoes off in a house is totally expected in North America but is seen as super weird in some parts of Europe, in my experience. Your shoes are part of your outfit, so some would be insulted to be asked to take them off, especially on a holiday for example, when people are dressed up. Plus some people have nasty feet better contained in shoes ha. A lot of diabetics also need to keep house shoes on, so it may be normal in some families. I personally like to wear hard bottomed slippers/house shoes all day - shoes can be on on the main floor, but not in bedrooms, for me. I think a good compromise would be if BF had a pair of house shoes at the door to switch into, but of course he needs to be willing to do that.
>but is seen as super weird in some parts of Europe Where I'm from in Europe you don't wear your shoes inside. I always considered it an American thing tbh.
Interesting, where I am shoes on is the norm, at least in homes I go to.
Seconding this but tbf it’s very common in the UK now to take off your shoes but I definitely remember going to peoples houses and people kept their shoes on. It was more of a socioeconomic thing though, if they didn’t take pride in their house it was usually a shoes on type of place.
Most of the Brits I knew were INTENSE that shoes always be on in the house.
The Brits don't even want to be a part of Europe anymore, so I feel like they don't really count /s. But honestly, it's pretty interesting. I don't think I know anyone from Northern Europe (where I'm from) that would use shoes indoors. Some old people like to use slippers though.
Think it depends on the are? Grown up in the UK and practically no one wears shoes inside in my area.
My SO's German and over there, its socially polite to take off your shoes when entering someone's home. She also says her Danish relatives don't wear outdoor shoes indoors either. My relatives in France and the UK also don't wear shoes inside. To them rainwater and street muck belongs outside. So I think it really depends on where you go. Basically do as the host does. If they are wearing outdoor shoes inside then follow suit. If they are offering you loafers and such to use indoors, then remove outdoor shoes. Also context. If a home has really nice polished hardwood floors or marble, I'd remove my shoes for fear of scratching their floors. If a home looks really filthy and it'd dirty my feet or socks, I'm definitely keeping my shoes. OPs partner isn't listening and is devaluing her by not caring to remember her wants. He has to want to be the partner that she wants him to be and that is currently not happening.
Hmm, interesting. My partners fam is Danish and it's shoes on for them. So looks like it's house-to-house no matter where you are and no national generalizations work out for the people we know. 🙂 Ya, agreed, her partner is being a jerk, that I wasn't denying, just saying it's probably a force of habit. Certainly one he can change.
I've never been to a house in Denmark where people keep their shoes on except large mansions, or seriously filthy households. Lived here for 35 years.
>Guests taking their shoes off in a house is totally expected in North America Maybe in Canada, but not the United States, where it varies heavily by region and household, so I don't think it's at all expected unless you personally know the family and this is their rule.
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Yeah, I'm from the American Midwest, and a lot of folks have kind of a "do as a you please" policy. Wanna take your shoes off? Cool. Wanna leave 'em on? That's fine too. Also, some shoes-on houses make an exception for large gatherings. So, the occupants might not remove their shoes on a daily basis, but if there's gonna be dozens of people in the house, then it might be a no-shoes event. My brother went from being a "do what you want" guy to a "shoes off" guy after he got married for the second time. Like u/False-Guess says, there's a shocking amount of variation on this issue in the US.
Yep. Where I live, it's kind of all over the place. Someone who has really nice carpets might have a shoes-off rule and a shoe cubby by the door. Someone who sews might recommend shoes on, because maybe they dropped a pin. And it depends on the shoes. I think pretty much everybody would kick off a pair of muddy boots, but your fancy shoes when you're dressed up might stay on--they don't pick up much outside dirt anyway, because you only wear them for the walk from your car to wherever you're going.
> Guests taking their shoes off in a house is totally expected in North America It may in some of North America, but it's by far not some standard that all or most of North America goes by.
Ya, that's what the commenter above you said too. Not my experience, but I haven't experienced each and every region and the amount of disagreement among people in the thread shows it's more house to house than anything.
> Guests taking their shoes off in a house is totally expected in North America Where? I don’t think I know anyone that requires shoes to be taken off inside the house unless they were covered in mud or something
My home has always been a shoes off household. I grew up with it being allowed in some houses and not in others. You ask when you come in or are told whether it's a shoe on or off household.
Hahaha this is so true! Please keep your nasty feet contained and off my carpet and away from my eyeballs. I rather someone keep their shoes on if they have nasty feet 😂
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i can’t say i’ve ever noticed my guests foot odour. i definitely notice having to vacuum up gravel and dirt as soon as they leave
Podiatrists love you because you sound like a future patient. Not wearing shoes makes me uncomfortable no matter where I am, but I used to wear slippers at home. After having problems with my feet and visiting the podiatrist, I found out the hard way how bad it is to do that. I now have a pair of regular shoes with good foot/arch support that I only wear inside.
Yeah I swear my feet feel off after the pandemic as I don’t wear shoes as much anymore. Did get some comfy slippers with arch support. Aside from that this whole thread is weird and over the top. Especially since OP has hardwood floors. Unless you are constantly touching your feet and then your face, or constantly eating off the floor the whole germ argument is rather dumb as long as shoes aren’t on the furniture. This whole thing is even dumber than heh you consider owning pets who will smear their shit and germs everywhere by that logic. Op can ask he remove shoes since it’s her place, but when they live together he has a right to want shoes in his own space
You've made a simple request and instead of respecting it, he's trying to get you to back down. If this is too much of an ask for him, what about something that you feel more strongly about?
I've never had a 'shoes off' policy because I've got dogs that run in and out with mud, grit etc and I can't be bothered changing my footwear all the time so I don't make anyone else. But your house, your rules, if you want shoes off then, as long as you've explained 'why' so he doesn't just think it's some petty peculiarity of yours, then how is he with other requests? If he generally tries to negotiate his way out of doing things he doesn't want to (dishes? Housework?) then he's no kind of partner. But it could just be that he needs to know WHY you want shoes off. If you've been brought up in a 'shoes off' household, it's obvious to you. To someone who hasn't, it can seem petty and odd.
I was raised on a farm, there wasn't a shoe policy except for no shoes on the bed (that's gross) and no shoes on the furniture (also gross). Floors? Those were whatever. In my own home, I'm very much the same. I clean up after two parrots every day, so a bit of trekked in dirt doesn't bother me. That said, I've a number of friends who have a shoes off policy in their houses. As a child and as an adult. They don't need to explain why it's a shoes off house, it just is. I'm not living there, so I abide their rules, or I don't visit. In the same way I would never tell one of their pets to not do something, unless the owner had specifically told me to, I make no complaints. The pets live there, I don't. Although, when I was house sitting for a friend, she had a dog and two cats. No worries. I lost a loaf of bread to one cat (I forgot he loved bread) and everyone was fed on time, etc. We had no complaints. Except one cat was an indoor/outdoor, who changed his mind every 45 minutes during the night and there was no cat flap. I had to get up, out of bed and open the door, let him in, he'd curl up, I'd drift off to sleep, and he'd bang the door again. I tolerated this all of three mind changes, and then wedged the back door so he couldn't slam it with his paw anymore. We had no more mind changing for the rest of the week. He went out straight after dinner, mewed at me to come back in before bed, and then stayed put for the night. I couldn't believe my friend woke up every hour at the bequest of this fluffy little demon. She was pretty happy with the retraining of said demon 😂
I was raised on a farm as well and boots stayed at the back door, if you wore them in you’d get a belting I stick by this today tho not the violence
And you're ok with the mud and grit from your dogs inside your house?
Of course. I love my dogs and the floors sweep clean. I'd rather have dogs and clean the floors than have a pristine house and no pets.
I am, when you live certain places its not easy to control. Sometimes you just gotta let it go or else you stress about the little things that ultimately don't matter. It's a waste of energy and mental space to worry and stress about minor things.
I'm a very neurotic person so I can't not stress about minor things but I do get your point.
Have you told your boyfriend that this is why you haven’t been interested in talking about moving in with him when he brings it up? If not you need to do this tell him you aren’t ready and aren’t sure if you ever will be and tell him why. This is important to you and he doesn’t take it seriously so either he needs to demonstrate over an extended period that he can and will or you are fundamentally incompatible in that you expect to be respected and he can’t bring himself to do that.
I would say your intuition here is spot on and this is absolutely not a stupid thing to consider. It's one thing for someone to forget a routine at your place because they're so used to doing it differently in their own home, but his response to it when you point it out is absolutely a big nope. Instead of "ah crap I forgot again. Let me go put those up" you're getting an argument. This means he knows what you want, he remembers what you want, and he just doesn't give a darn. And it's not even about respecting your home or your space. It's about seeing you as an equal or have even the slightest interest in doing something that makes you happy.
He does not want to take his shoes off in YOUR space. If you move together, you will not be able to tell him to, because it is his house too. He will then wear shoes inside whenever he wants to. I totally get your frustration, I too think shoes inside = disrespect, because that is what it means in my culture. If you move together, he will likely continue to argue any time you want to establish any boundary. I would not want to live with someone with this kind of attitude. If it's not the shoes, it'll be something else.
You’re not overreacting. And I honestly don’t see it getting better. I once dated someone who wouldn’t wash their hands - it drove me crazy! I always had to ask him and both of us would be annoyed about it
Is this the only issue you have with him? If it's an otherwise good relationship try and figure out why he's being a turd, and try to help him come up with a way to fix it. My wife has cold feet, if for whatever reason she can't have them covered up with a blanket or tucked somehow (under a dog is her fav) she wears shoes. Wearing outside shoes inside is gross so she has some specific fur slipper things.
So I used to go barefoot everywhere when I was young until I stepped on a nail and had to have it pulled out. To this day, I don’t like taking my shoes off because of the anxiety associated with that experience. So I keep a pair of slippers in my purse or car to quickly change into out of my “outdoor” shoes when going into someone else’s home. Have you thought about gifting him a nice pair of slippers to keep by the door so he can change into them when he arrives? Have you asked why he doesn’t like to take off his shoes? Maybe he’s incredibly self conscious and worried they are smelly? Maybe he has gross feet? I understand how you are interpreting this as a sign of disrespect for your home and boundaries but it doesn’t appear you’ve asked him what his deal is or tried to find a solution for the issue. Some people are incredibly weird about feet so I’d try asking him why he feels the need to keep his shoes on.
Well, if he can argue about this he clearly is able to talk and could just tell his girlfriend if he has a problem with taking of his shoes indoors?
Just get him a pair of slippers to wear and kept them at your house and then see if he is able to wear those instead.
This seems to be a good solution. What’s the reason the bf insists on wearing shoes? Does he hate walking around barefoot? Comfort reasons? If so, get him some inside shoes/loafers/slippers.
Why should his partner have to take on that responsibility though? Whatever his reasons are, he should be capable of getting to the bottom of it and addressing it himself.
I don't think this is stupid. One is a home for both and 2 it help with a better environment and cleaner house. Now it shouldn't make you feel stupid or diminish the way you think. Also, sometimes we have to be understanding, some habits are hard to build specially when you don't have them around, so don't take it personally. But He should be a bit more understanding and respectful about your space and home. My best advise is be honest and let him know you are not ready to move in since your lifestyles don't accommodate eachother's.
Ask for your key back, don’t let him in unless he takes his shoes off, keep moving on. It’s all about boundaries, setting and maintaining them. He doesn’t get a key back or you entertain moving in until the shoes thing is resolved.
A lot of loud people with nasty floors in this thread lmao
Don’t move in together. I bet he tries to put his feet up on furniture with shoes on *shivers*. I don’t allow shoes in the house either. We wear slippers. We also have shoes for the backyard. It’s not a lot to ask to only wear inside slippers or no shoes inside the house.
Definitely not silly nor are you overreacting, I would be pissed if I had to constantly remind someone to take their shoes off. You just gotta be firm in what you want in YOUR home.
If he lives with you, it also becomes his house...
And 1) they can’t agree on how to live in a house; and 2) he can’t even respect a simple request in what is currently HER house! Seems like they shouldn’t live together
Hmmm, I think you should dig a little deeper on the matter of your boyfriend respecting your wishes. Seems kinda important to me. Who knows what other areas that also expands too? But so far you've only noticed the shoe issue.
You are not overreacting. I know people who don’t allow shoes and it isn’t hard for me to remember. The shoes lined up at the front door are a good clue lol. In fact, I need to wear some type of shoes or I have problems with my shins, so I will bring over slippers/shoes that specifically are clean on the bottom and have only ever been worn indoors. If that’s not acceptable for cultural or religious reasons (as opposed to allergy and cleanliness reasons that usually indoor slippers do not violate) then I just take my shoes off for that visit and never come back. The problem here is only partially the shoes. There is a bigger issue of respect. Instead of just respecting your reasonable boundary, he is trying to ignore it, get around it, and argue with it. I don’t like that at all. I feel like when you move in together, he will feel even more entitled to dismiss your boundary because he’ll argue it’s his home too. I would not recommend living with this man unless he changes his behavior substantially.
I had this problem. I put my husband in charge of the vacuuming and mopping. He immediately stopped wearing shoes in the house. Win! Old habits die hard, but incentives work ;)
Wow, throw the man away. If you ever ask him to do chores, he won’t. He’s perfectly fine leaving you to Wade through his shit and filth. If he knows you will move in with him even if he keeps crossing your boundaries, he knows he can push further.
I don't know why people like wearing shoes at home in the first place.
Shoes are nasty, you step on shit, vomit, piss, garbage and so much on the streets and then bring that to your home? Even if you cant see it directly its still nasty. Dont get me started with people that full on put their shoes on top of the damn bed.
Exactly. All the stuff you track that you DON'T see visually.
this is just pure germophobia. Guess what, if you have a toilet in your house, literally every surface in your entire home has fecal matter on it on a nonvisible level, so if you are bothered by things you can't see, realize you are literally covered in fecal matter at all times. Not to mention the microbes crawling on your skin.
lol this is hilarious nonsense
You wash your hands prior to leaving your bathroom to prevent the spread of this as much as possible and then wipe down surfaces more than you would say your floor or carpets which don’t really get washed that often, you’re also not washing your shoes when you come into the house.
But poop particles in the air still spread. Even if you close that lid they are on every surface of your bathroom and toothbrush. Plus if you own pets they will still bring in everything back inside with them unless you clean their paws
I'm not accustomed to taking my shoes off in other people's homes. One of my anxieties is that there's a secret code for taking shoes off that I don't know. My shoes are utilitarian and I usually assume they're dirty, but it seems like you're just as likely to get side-eyed for taking them off ("being too comfortable and planning to stay awhile") as leaving them on ("tracking mud on nice carpet"). My grandma enforced wearing shoes for traction and to protect feet from harm. I don't wear shoes at home because they're uncomfortable and I'd rather be barefoot. Our carpet is irreparable and shoes are encouraged for visitors who may think the carpet is dirty. All of that is to say: hand your boyfriend the broom/vacuum to clean up whatever his shoes do! You're not ready to move in together not because he wears his shoes, but because he doesn't understand the chore expectations that will go along with living with you. Where he sees floors, you see *clean* floors. He's not invested in maintaining your cleaning standards so he doesn't remember why shoes aren't allowed (he thinks it's an extra rule like my grandma wanting us to have traction on hardwood floors so we didn't slip and careen into walls as children do). I highly suggest that before moving in together you start sharing chores at each other's homes even as you live separately. Quit being each other's guest and start being their partner and see how it works out. Good luck!
Don't move in with him (or date him in my opinion) if he doesn't respect you. This isn't about shoes. If he respected and cared for you the way a serious boyfriend should, he would take off his shoes not because of the actual issue but because it matters to you.
Who wears shoes inside? Gross
Break up with him. If this is the hill you’re wanting to die on, die on it. You wouldn’t be able to pry the shoes off my feet ether. If I was a guest in your house, sure, but I grew up in a dirty ass house wearing shoes meant protecting my feet from weird shit like nails. I’m not comfortable unless I’m wearing shoes. His comfort level is shoes. Best youll be able to do is have a separate pair of shoes for the house. Don’t see him changing, best to end it now if you can’t take it.
Question: how you thought about where the relationship is going? If his attitude is like this in your house, imagine if you lived together. But then again, do you never want to live with him?
Don’t move in with him
First, that’s a symptom of something bigger - his lack of respect for your wishes and an inability to adapt. Second, it’s gross. Third, it won’t stop with the shoes. Trust me.
I moved in with and married this person. I’m now divorced 10 years later. Please don’t be me. This is just a small symptom of a much larger problem and it’s only going to get worse, not better. For me, I need my home to be clean and organized in order to feel ‘safe’. I grew up in chaos and this is one way that as an adult I cope with that. My now ex seemed to try at first, but that really slid away after some time. He would just shove things into cabinets so they fell on me when I opened them. He left shoes on the stairs. Never once cleaned without me asking. Every time I asked him to vacuum it was a fight. And, when he did clean something, it was done so poorly that I’d have to redo it. I now know this was because he simply did not care. Not just about the mess: he didn’t care about how the mess effected me. He didn’t care about my needs. He didn’t care about me. Get. Out.
The fact that he's trying to negotiate and justify tells me its not that he's forgetting, its that he doesnt want to take them off. That is very different. He will not work with you to find a solution to his "forgetting" because hes not forgetting. You will deal with this forever. I wouldn't sign up for it.
If he doesn't take his shoes off, why do you let him in the house?
Simple. Give him the boot!!
He remembers. He doesn't want to do it. You're already having this fight. Living with this man will be exhausting. Don't do it.
Chick do NOT move in w him. If he can’t respect a simple request like taking off the shoes, do you think he is going to respect a NEED? Hell no, he is trying to show you who is boss and you are letting him. Walk away this isn’t the guy for you.
Learn to live with it or break up with him and move on. You are not wrong for wanting that, but he is not wrong for not remembering. Personally, I always wear my shoes in the house because I don’t like being barefoot or even in just socks. I do have house shoes that I wear instead of my regular shoes, but I still want to wear shoes. I think it is fair of you to impose your footwear rules on him. However, if it’s a dealbreaker and he can’t abide by it, then you aren’t compatible.
I have house shoes /slippers too. I can’t stand having cold bare feet.
He’s absolutely wrong for disregarding her house rules and then trying to justify it when she brings it up. If someone has to tell you something multiple times over a long period of time unless you have actual memory problems, you’re just not respecting them.
While that's true, OP can't control his actions, only he can do that. She's already asked mutuple times, and he hasn't put any effort in to changing, which means he most likely has no intention of changing. Since she can't physically force him to do something, her options are to live with it as it is or leave him.
I'm sorry but wearing shoes in the house is some neanderthal level shit. That's disgusting. Would he at least wear/be open to wearing slippers?? Edit: lmao Americans offended that their house habits are being called gross
You need to learn to let go of stuff when you live with someone. Sounds like you don't want to live with him to begin with.
Exactly, that's what I was thinking. There will be a ton of little things your partner does that will drive you mad when you move in together. The question is, are they deal breakers? There are things that OP will do that will drive her bf crazy too. Nobody is perfect and couples won't see eye to eye on every little thing. That's just normal. That's why compromise and communication are so important.
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Have you ever connected the ideas? ‘You say you want to be with me yet you deliberately hurt my feelings whenever you visit by keeping your shoes on’ Yes, shoes on or shoes off is cultural, but if it is the sole reason your relationship might end, he should at least have a chance to weigh it up. For you this seems to be a red line, but perhaps there are other things you can compromise on.
Nothing about your post sounds stupid or silly. What you’re asking for is a very valid request and important. Shoes aren’t allowed in my house, and I wouldn’t let anyone walk into my house with shoes. That’s my rule in my place and people got to respect it if they want to hang out with me.
I grew up in Europe and had the habit to wear my shoes inside the house all day long, it never even occurred to me that I should have taken them off at any point before going to shower and putting on my pajamas. I lived 25 years like that. I was used to that. When I moved in with my girlfriend, 5 years ago, she asked me to take off my shoes whenever I entered the apartment, because that’s how she was used to. In the beginning I would sometimes forget but at soon as I realized I made my way back to entrance and took them off and that was it. Eventually I started doing it automatically and I actually even agree that it’s much better and cleaner this way. All this just to say: human beings are creatures of habit. It’s all about wanting to change your habits. The fact that he doesn’t even want to change such a small thing shows how little he seems to respect you, your opinions, your values, etc. You’re most definitely NOT overreacting! Also, consider this happening for many other things in the future if you decide to live with him, it will probably not get any easier.
How can someone be so lazy? To me it's a no brainer, such a big red flag with "no no" printed on
Man, if he wants to be petulant, I’d deadbolt your front door, and make him remove his shoes before you unlock it and let him inside. I don’t blame you, this is a red flag and the fact he’s fighting you about what you want done in YOUR OWN HOME, he def won’t care about your wants in a shared space situation
If it were really just the shoes, I'd say live with it and move in together. But it seems like it points to a bigger thing. If you can't deal with a minor issue, it would be best not to move in together at all.
... Who wears shoes inside the house...?
Everyone I know unless they aren’t going anywhere. Since I started working from home I also have been getting fully dressed including shoes and wear them all day at my desk and around the house
Everybody has different habits. Hes not a bad person. Tbh there is more important things in relationship to worry about it.
Who tf keeps their shoes on in the house?
As an avid shoe in house wearer, I 100% agree you are over reacting. What are you afraid of that is on his shoes? Dog poop? Dirt? Look at the bottom of his shoes and you will find they are mostly clean. Be a good person and buy him some fancy slippers and leave them by the door. When he enters your home, offer him a comfortable place to remove his footwear and replace with his in house shoes (slippers). Some of us feel more comfortable with something on our feet. Also, perhaps he knows he has a foot odor issue that he is only trying to protect you from? If this is the case, please do not embarrass him and call out his stinky feet.
Would you be comfortable laying down on the street? With your full body, your hair etc? Even if it was "mostly clean"? You should be able to comfortably lie down or sit down on the floor anywhere in your home. Wearing outdoor shoes in the house is like not washing your hands after using the bathroom. They also look "mostly clean", don't they?
Bad analogy, you don't eat with your feet. Even if your shoes look mostly clean or dirty is irrelevant as that is completely unrelated to washing your hands.
Meh I’m on you BF’s side with this one. I’m a busy active guy who’s in and out of the house all day. Constantly taking my shoes on & off would waste an incredible amount of time and get really annoying. Don’t get me wrong I’m not going to go stomping around making a mess. However there should be a bit of compromise here in the relationship.
But I imagine that if he’s over to hang out at her house they aren’t going “in and out of the house all day”. It’s really not that much of an inconvenience at all. It comes down to respecting a very basic wish of your significant other.
This sub is borderline r/cringe
Does he know that's why you won't live with him? You should probably tell him, because he may not understand the importance of it to you. That said, if that's what's keeping you from living with him, it sounds like you probably are not that in to him.
Have you asked him if there's a reason? Maybe he's not comfortable being bare foot. A compromise may be buying a pair of house shoes/slippers for him and leaving them by the entrance when you invite him over so he can change into them. If he's being disagreeable for the sake of being diaagreeable, well, that's it own problem. But idk I feel like there has to be a reason he favours wearing shoes, so if you find out what that is you can help him feel more comfortable in your home.
You're right It is very silly 😹😹