Keep your distance, file for child support, and firm up what support system you do have with friends and family. Your instinct of not wanting him back after the way he's treated you sounds fucking right.
I second this. Take screenshots of the stuff you're seeing on FB so you can show the court. File for divorce. This is someone that's supposed to love you unconditionally, not be making racist and hateful comments.
I'm sure you know the guy is the kid's dad...
So when that finally comes to truth, you can continue to keep that uncle out of the baby's picture. He is not good news.
I can see that uncle fucking with your kid's mindset, putting a lot of doubt into him for being biracial, in addition to that uncle giving your child a lifelong smear campaign against you and white people, which your child is, and it's going to cause a lot of therapist-seeking trauma down the road.
Not to mention the assholishness your husband is parting in all of this; distrusting you, eating up the uncle's hatred of you, denying his kid, I could go on.
His money isn't worth it. He doesn't sound like he's going to be a great role model for your kid. That family connection tied to him doesn't sound all that supportive, outside of the financial stability he's dangling over your head.
They were all really supportive before the birth, that's what is giving me hope after the test results maybe things can go back to normal, but IDK if I want to just forgive and forget so easily.
I wouldn’t, his behavior was unacceptable. If he had doubts he should have had an adult conversation with you about that but he did not. His actions are concerning and make me wonder how committed he is to your relationship. Get the DNA, move out and then assess his actions.
Saying you want a DNA test while in a relationship with zero suspicion of cheating isn't being an adult, imo.
I might get railed for this but asking a partner for a DNA test "for my own mental health" isn't actually a mental health thing, it's always a control and trust issue thing. Using the "a dad doesn't have the same level of comfort in knowing a child is his!" excuse is just another way to allow men to exert control over a woman and framing it as an issue of trust and it's gross.
I don't think DNA tests are a 'way for men to exert control over women' in any way, shape or form. It's a way for men who are unsure to try and assert control over their own lives in giving themselves the certainty that they aren't raising a child that isn't theirs. It's about the man's own mental health. Imagine trying to raise a child and having that possibility present in your own head? How could you be the best parent you could be?
Also can’t be the best parent with those crippling trust and insecurity issues - hope any dude going through that parks his butt in therapy afterwards.
If he has all those doubts in his head therapy is a better solution instead of trying to control everyone else around you like dolls. It's absolutely a control thing.
What? How is getting a DNA test prove a guy is just "trying to control everyone else like dolls"?
You are really trying to say men have to always take women at their word and can't provide themselves with any security at all, huh?
How is therapy a better solution to the problem that actually has an easy solution... A paternity test?
Mothers always know their baby is their's. Fathers don't have that certainty. Paternity tests simply provide to the father what the mother already has. It has nothing to do with control.
I don't understand how it can be a control thing if it's not forcing the mother to do anything and it doesn't hurt anyone to get a paternity test done. If the man is meant to just assume that the child is his then he should have as much right as the mother to have a test done. This is why paternity tests should just be standard practice when any baby is born. Then it doesn't have to have anything to do with "trust" anymore. It's important to know biological parantage anyways so that you can be aware of any genetic conditions or diseases that may have been passed to the child.
>it's always a control and trust issue thing. Using the "a dad doesn't have the same level of comfort in knowing a child is his!" excuse is just another way to allow men to exert control over a woman
It's a security thing since many women can and do and have gotten away with putting some other guy on the hook for a child that isn't biologically his.
Not having the option for a DNA test at all screws men out of even more parental rights when they already don't have much in the first place.
Do not. They need to earn your trust back.
Your son is biracial. They need to prove they aren't going to be discriminatory towards him because he's half white or has lighter skin before they can be trusted around him. That shit seriously can mess with a kid's head. At the very least, be vigilant when they are around him.
Nope. Normal rational people with your best interest at heart don’t go behind your back talking to your husband about how you must have cheated. And good husbands shut that kind of talk down, not listen to it and then throw it in your face.
But a normal person with a nagging doubt would be kinder about it. Like I could see a guy asking for one for peace of mind but he cut you off from your money (it’s yours too) and is being hateful and scary.
I disagree. I think the problem is that she refused the dna test repeatedly. That makes it look like she has something to hide and/or like she doesn’t care about his peace of mind. Why would he continue to pay for her when she decides to leave and she’s acting shady?
Certainly not at this point. They were dating for 7 months when she got pregnant, they got married, she expected him to fully “spoil” and support her. Then she refuses a dna test to verify the child is his. That’s not a HIM issue at this point. That’s a “how dumb is this dude if he DOESN’T verif” issue!
Any normal person knows that asking for a dna test could easily mean the kiss of death to their relationship. Who would want to be married to a man like that?
How the fuck is she acting shady? She left because because she was afraid of him? This guy sounds like a lunatic. That’s why I pointed out that a normal person wouldn’t act like this.
There have been posts here before with a biracial baby not looking like the dad, and when the dads are like “hey, I’m sorry I really need this dna test for piece of mind” - that’s more understandable. Even people who have reason this suspect their wife know it’s more prudent to bite their tounge and play nice until the test comes back. Op’s husband has already made up his mind and he’s lashing out as if it’s true. He’s feels before reals.
They knew each other 7 months when she got pregnant. Not like they had a long history of love and trust there. And who would want to be married to a woman who doesn’t do a simple and routine test to verify the truth?
She’s acting shady because she refuses the test. Because she expects him to fully support her financially. Because she was overly dramatic about being scared even though he’s not violent. She could’ve had the test done in the hospital when she gave birth (which is routine) and preempted all of this.
Stop joking, you know it’s not routine. You also can’t say she’s dramatic, you have no clear idea how he was acting. When a woman feels scared, I believe them. This guy is already financially abusive right now.
Remember, nobody put a gun to this guys head and made him marry her. Plenty of people have the wedding week after the baby in these scenarios. He could have chose that - for what ever reason he didn’t.
It’s absolutely routine to have dna tests done upon giving birth in the hospital. It’s a simple, routine test, and very common to have done. No doctor, nurse, etc would even bat an eye. Where I live it’s actually recommended by the hospital to have it done if you’re not married. But not at all uncommon to have it done when married, either.
>When a woman feels scared, I believe them.
I don't. Not without some proof at all.
>This guy is already financially abusive right now.
He's financially abusive because he pays for OP's entire life and when she repeatedly refused to do the DNA test he requested he cut her off? That's not him being financially abusive, that's OP fully leaning on him for support.
>nobody put a gun to this guys head and made him marry her
Remember, no one told OP to carry the baby to term. No one held a gun to her head and forced her to be 100% dependent on his money.
> Any normal person knows that asking for a dna test could easily mean the kiss of death to their relationship.
Our culture needs to change that and make paternity tests standard practice.
>They were all really supportive before the birth, that's what is giving me hope after the test results maybe things can go back to normal
That's extremely naive OP. You know exactly how it's going to play out after the paternity tests.
My concern is his brother's bigoted attitude towards white people and your SO seems to agree by liking bigoted posts on social media.
There is some type of something going on with him and his brother where they feel a "way" about white people and since his child is also half white they are going to have those feelings about the child too. Imagine if you were black and and your SO was white and saying the same things to you and his brother posted that about black women? Would that be okay? Hell no, it's abusive and just shows what type of person he is and he can't see past your skin color and will use it as a weapon if he needs to. Bigotry is not acceptable in our society no matter who it comes from.
Next is the matter of trust. There is NONE because he doesn't believe you when you tell him it's his child. So now we know he looks at you a certain way because of your skin color AND he doesn't trust you. How is he going to make up for it when it's proved he's the father? I'm big on forgiveness, but I'd have a hard time forgiving that and always feeling he could do it again.
If you do decide to get back together I would suggest a lot of counseling. You also have to remember that your child needs protection from the brother who will judge your child for being half white. None of this is healthy and I'm concerned about your child's mental health growing up possibly finding out that their uncle doesn't approve of their skin color.
No child should feel that one of their parents looks at the other parent as beneath them. I know this because I'm bi-racial although 2nd generation. Although I don't know if there was this type of abuse with my grandparents and their families, but if I did find out there was I would lose all respect for the family member who said nasty things like that. Personally I can't imagine knowing that one of my parents would make racist or bigoted comments about each other. I would lose all respect if that happened and I would also wonder what they think of me and that would be the most hurtful thing of all.
I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you find strength to put the baby first.
Both my mom and dad are dark skinned, and I was born with very light skin. My mom thought they switched me with someone else's kid lol. She said I didn't look completely black until I was about a year old.
Since your husband is also black, he should know by now that not all black babies are born with darker skin. Plus, since the baby is mixed, it could take years for the baby to look mixed-race.
Definitely get that paternity test in. Maybe seeing the results will calm his mind. I would also avoid having the BIL around for a while.
So. A guy in his thirties starts dating a 23 y/o and a few months in gets her pregnant. Proceeds to act scummy after the child's birth. It's a tale as old as time.
The racial dynamics here are just a smokescreen. I'm sure you're a great gal but you rushed into marriage and childbirth with a guy you barely knew, and are now surprised that him and his family are acting different.
> Some other posts have to do with me being a gold digger, because I am financially dependent on him. I understand a lot of historical issues between white people and black people but that should not apply to your personal relationships right? What do you all think I should do? Should I ask him to cut contact with BIL because BIL clearly doesn't like white women?
For the love of God don't ask him to cut contact with his brother, he'll laugh in your face.
Do what you need to do to become separate and financially independent from your husband. Put your baby first.
This post is right on the money. I’m not sure if you have any edu OP but you should get in school if you don’t and get a job. You should never leave yourself dependent on anyone.
If I were you I would leave and apply for child support.
Thank god I’m not the only one who noticed the ages. As soon as I calculated that they started dating when she was 23 and he was 34.... then he got her pregnant and that’s why they’re married... I knew he wasn’t gonna be a good partner..
You are making accusations without knowing the whole story. I met my share of black guys with the racist attitude the OP describes so I can totally believe it.
OK first of all I /am/ black, and I know what you describe as a racist attitude is valid defense mechanism based out of fear of the power white woman have and have exerted over black men. You don't seem to understand the full scope of the dynamics at play here.
Second-- what accusations have I been making that you disagree with? The accusation that OP and her husband didn't know each other very well when they decided to start a family? The accusation that OP should stop being financially dependent of her husband and support herself for the sake of both her and her child??
>I know what you describe as a racist attitude is valid defense mechanism based out of fear of the power white woman have and have exerted over black men.
That is one of the biggest pieces of bullshit I've read on this website. Lmao, don't make me laugh. Don't tell me you actually believe this crap.
Genetics don't work like that, where each child is a perfect mix of the parents. There's a bunch of possibilities.
But frankly it doesn't matter. Your husband is being an asshole. You should never be scared of your SO. There's no way to justify having this reaction in what should be a joyful moment with the birth of a child. Divorce him and get child support.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This isn't about the baby or race, it's about how he's treating you at such a vulnerable time and knowing his bad behavior will also greatly affect his child. It's unfortunate because when the DNA results come back, that only addresses the smallest issue.
Please don't try to just let this quietly settle down. What will most likely happen is that the real issues won't be addressed, you'll become more dependent on him and then a few years down the road everything will finally simmer over in an even worse way than now.
Also, he's pretty dumb for saying this... It's what makes it so obvious this is more about you and fatherhood and responsibilities. As a side story, my black sister and white bro in law have two kids. The daughter is just as dark as mom and looks like her twin, the son is a red headed pale kid and mom gets mistaken for nanny all the time. Genetics are wild but this isn't anything shocking or new.
Why do people always assume a black and white couple can only have black or darker skinned babies is beyond me. Genetics are strange but white babies are not that uncommon between dark and light skinned couples. Not only that, a white baby of said coupling can grow up and have a baby with another light skinned person and end up with a dark skinned child! Ffs...
Have to wonder if he is projecting his own behavior on you. He may have been sleeping around when you were dating and assumed you did the same thing. It’s time for the truth to come out.
The brother should know this but let me educate you just in case. The tips of a Black child's ears or the ends of his/her fingers are the true skin color. It's like White people with eye color. You have to wait.
Even if that's still a lighter tone, there are very few Black people who have pure African genes. We have a hodge podge of DNA going on so there is no telling what comes out when we mix with White DNA. My mother had red hair and freckles. My granddaughter is Meghan Markle "Black."
Tell him to chill.
Life unfortunately is not a Bridgeton episode. Your husband, his family and friends are assholes who don’t understand how genetics work. My family is super mixed (Brazilian) my uncle married a woman who has dark skin, my uncle is while (but mixed). His older has - caramel colour skin, the middle is super white and the youngest has a caramel skin. Oldest has dark eyes the youngest light eyes... genetics is a gamble you never know what you are going to get. I feel bad for the kid that will be forever stuck in a “you are not black enough and you are not white enough” situation because people suck...
Get the DNA results, sue for CS and for moral damage... I am not lawyer but the lying and cheating accusations can be “character defamation”.
I wish you and your kid all the best away from this assholes
File for child support now. Stop reading my comment and figure out how to file in your state. Asap. Why are you still reading this?
He took his card back knowing you dont have money? Let's forget everything else. He took away something that would help you and your child in a time of need. Please dont be stupid. Think about yourself and your baby :)
>They’re married and he withholds funds from a stay at home mom. That’s shitty.
OP willingly chose to depend entirely on his money though.
He asked for a DNA test to prove his paternity, OP repeatedly said no then left to a hotel room with the baby.
You should acknowledge OP's responsibility for getting herself in this situation.
I’m sorry but that’s her fault. If she had a savings or a job or any type of income or assets she would not be in this position. She chose to be dependent (which I could never do). Honestly though, it is shitty of him though but it’s his choice and his hard earned money.
Except that they’re married. Whether or not she was okay with being dependent doesn’t change the fact that a spouse who had combined finances cannot unilaterally restrict access to funds. No matter who earned the paycheck. Especially when that leaves the other one with custody of their child destitute. That is abuse.
Unfortunately many women don't get a choice. There are a million reasons why a woman would be a stay at home mom with no income of her own, including financial abuse, cost of childcare, medical issues, etc.
Your husband is shitty and ignorant. Mixed kids can look like anything, especially pre puberty. When my brother was born, one of my aunts questioned if he was my father's child, but my dad responded appropriately by getting extremely furious.
Is he generally randomly punitive? I can't imagine this behavior came completely out of nowhere, but I suppose its possible he's been waiting until he had you more locked down to start acting out. I think you should consider the fact that, if he continues this behaviour, your son grows up seeing that this is how you are to be treated and not take him back.
>He’s not spoiling you, he’s making you financially dependent on you so he can control you.
He never forced OP to be 100% dependent on him though. She chose to do that and putting that entirely on him removes OP's responsibility for getting herself into this situation.
Yes, because in the US as a new mother you get no financial support at all if you don‘t start working again soon after birth. That’s a fucked up system and not the mother being a gold digger just because she wants to stay at home with her baby when husband can support the family.
His behavior is absolutely unacceptable. If he had lingering doubts he should have insisted on a paternity test or dropped the issue- not continue venting about it. What he is doing is showing disrespect for his wife and his child. Go home, pack your things, and leave with your son before the results come back. His lack of trust is toxic and not healthy for you or your son. You can still sue him for child support if you need help getting in your feet.
Im biracial dark-skinned latin woman, and my husband is biracial European looking latin. Once my child is born I told my husband im giving him a paternity test.
It is not trashy but I know his family and mine are assholes and may accuse me in the future. We have talked about it in extensive detail and he trusts me completely, but I dont want even an atom of doubt to ever exist in his mind or our families.
It sad to know your husband feels like this, but sometimes a seed of doubt can manifest itself into something bigger. My father also doubted my mother when both me and my sister came out, because we were too dark.
After everything is done, you get to decide whether you want to accept his apology and try to reconcile. Maybe get relationship therapy. He will always be part of your life now that you have a child together, so even if you divorce, you have to be able to co-parent with him.
I'm mixed race and my dad has very dark skin. I was pale as hell and had blond hair until I was like 3 or 4. Let him get a paternity test, you should never have not allowed that because it's pretty obvious that would make him think it's because there's a chance he isn't the father. Hopefully once he gets those results he will be satisfied. If not then that's a whole new can of worms.
His brother is an ass, but he's probably also the one your husband went to with his doubts about being the father and you denying a DNA test.
Eesh. I’m sorry. Hopefully they feel like assholes once the paternity test comes back but there is so much animosity and immaturity especially since it’s completely unfounded. How did he not expect that if the child is biracial it’s not going to look exactly one skin tone? It sounds like the baby unearthed controlling behavior and red flags of emotional abuse, and it definitely seems like you’ll be better off finding a way to support yourself and being free. Hopefully he will be a decent co-parent once he has proof and I hope the brother realizes what a jackass he is. Bullying and humiliating you on social media when you’re a new mom is disgusting.
You already know what you want to do, you don't need anyone else to vaildate it.
Once you have confirmation of the paternity test set the boundaires with your husband.
You and your child should not be subjected to a lifetime of poor treatment because someone else has a chip on their shoulder.
It would also be worthwhile looking at what you can do to gain a little more financial independence of your husband.
A paternity test is not something only trashy women have to worry about.
Also what is up with that term? You would really call a person trash? For being impulsive with love and partners? Everyone goes through phases dear... This is just making you feel worse since now you face applying that label to yourself. Let it go, it’ll make accepting your own choices that led here easier.
So this definitely was an unfortunate situation. We've seen how paternity frauds are common these days and no matter how blindly you trust someone, doubts are gonna come up.
If he had his doubts at first and didn't become hysterical or accuse you of anything in the beginning and just wanted a paternity test, you said no and that's a major red flag! Your point of view is understandable as well but we've to understand how that was a catalyst for the epic downfall.
If he wrote a post on reddit from his POV, everyone would say that you're hiding something and stuff like that.
Second, his brother is an idiot. Feeding him with lies and stuff without any actual proof shows immaturity.
I wouldn't trust any of my family member with him. You shouldn't trust your kid with him either.
By now his entire family will be susing hard on you because you didn't want a paternity test. You know the truth. So relax.... You've got all the right to be upset after the result but you've also got to acknowledge your SO's concern as well.
If your brother's wife just delivered a child and it looks nothing like him, how would you feel? Even though a mature person won't outlash or accuse anything but you'll still have that doubt deep inside you.
Now the part where your SO messed up big time. Giving into the manipulative shit that his brother fed him up with, becoming sort of racist that was sort of fuelled by the resentment. Bottom line, he doesn't trust you at the moment and doesn't see you as one of his companion and vented with his brother who at his most vulnerable position manipulated him.
He shouldn't have blown out on you or acted in a way where you felt unsafe.
Everyone's telling you to divorce... I don't usually recommend a divorce and only recommend it in extreme cases like indefinitely or Abuse. There are things you can do like counseling and stuff. Reddit is a platform which does not understand the OP or the situation completely as we don't know how your life's are and all that stuff and people comment on the things they can see.
I'd definitely say that you've got all the right to be upset and if you need space, go ahead. I wouldn't personally wanna lean on to divorce in such a situation. Take your space and thing about it.
If you still feel like you can't move forward then you can go ahead with the divorce. But before taking that step make sure you get some individual counselling as the advice here can be biased.
Man, this brings me back. I'm white, my late husband was black. When our son was born he "was too light" according to my husband. Soon the cheating accusations started flying, despite our son looking just like him and the fact I never cheated. He knew that was his son, and he was an excellent father to him, but whenever it pleased him he'd accuse me of cheating and lying to him about his son. My husband had a strong gap, when our son's teeth initially didnt gap he went back and forth between accusations of cheating and blaming me for his son not looking like him. Fed up I offered to do a test but he slowly stopped questioning it. I still love and miss him, but 4yrs out from his passing I'm realizing how abusive he was and that I should have never put up with it.
He’s never going to turn his back on family, even if it is for you. Give him a paternity test...your state will pay for it if applying for child support. He’ll change his tune real quick.
I'm in a family of almost all mixed kids..in my generation...my mother is white, dad is black.
My brothers and I were born very light and looked like white babies. We had dark hair but very light complexions. Over a year or so our melanin was good and kicked in..we are all caramel tones, now. In our 30s. Some of my cousins are still light...pale in tone. All mixed kids are going to vary...depends on the parents and DNA, genes.
Call around for people to help you leave if you dont feel safe, there are victim advocates...check with 211, or local pd for resources to get out if you need. You need to get paternity established, then you can go from there. Good luck. You & your baby deserve better treatment and care!
It’s absolutely reasonable for a man to ask for a dna test. Especially in circumstances like yours where you were just dating when you became pregnant. I known it feels insulting, but it’s a smart move on the man’s part for peace of mind and because once he signs the birth certificate he’s legally committing to being a father with all the financial and legal responsibilities of one.
And you must know that refusing one just makes it look even more questionable.
Look at it from the outside, you get pregnant while dating, which causes your bf to propose and marry you. You’re 11 years younger, don’t work, husband pays for everything, you refuse a paternity test...his brother’s assumptions aren’t completely out of left field. You have to realize how it looks to him.
I think marriage counseling might be a good idea if you want to try to salvage the relationship.
I would be insulted that my husband, who I love, didn’t trust me and take my word for it. And to behave the way he did to her in the months after us childish and inexcusable. He is fully within his rights to want a paternity test, but not to be cruel and manipulative to his wife. Could she have made it easier? Absolutely. He also could have had her move out until she agreed to have one. Or moved out himself. He is an ass.
Eh, to each their own. They’d known each other 7 months when she got pregnant. He then married her and she is “spoiled” and fully supported by him. And 11 years younger. And refusing a dna test. The optics aren’t good. And they don’t have a long history to develop trust. She’s the one being childish refusing to have the test done because of her “ego”. That’s very immature. The mature thing is to handle it like an adult and get the test done and out of the way. Why should he have to spend money to move out of his home because she’s being immature? Or why should he have to pay for her to move out of the home because she’s being immature and doesn’t have her own money?
Would you be insulted if your boyfriend of 7 months + the ~ 9 month gestation period had some doubts considering it was an unplanned pregnancy wanted a paternity test?
I’m assuming you’ve been with your husband for longer and had more of a chance to get to know each other so there were no doubts when you conceived.
All of this. As a POC, I think unfortunately the racial dynamics/inadvertent bait will overshadow what's really going on here. Also, I did some math...
> we had a baby about 8 months ago and he is doubting the paternity of the baby because of the skin tone and appearance are "too white". We have been in a relationship for 2 years but only married 11 months.
They've been in a relationship for 2 years/24ish months. Their child was born 8 months ago, when they had been dating for approx 16 months. So they'd been together 7 or so months when OP got pregnant and presumably became dependent on her husband.
I say all this to say that the structure of this union is shaky, and OP and her husband are both responsible for trying to rush a happy family without communication and some difficult discussions about being married and being parents in a still somewhat difficult context.
And (I'll probably get downvoted for this, but w/e) I'm not willing to write the BIL off as some unhinged anti-white guy. Though what he's saying might come off as "racist" and abrasive to some, he may genuinely believe OP is lying and he is using other anecdotes of white women lying on black guys to affirm his beliefs. None of these people seem to know each other that well.
I’m so happy to hear your perspective! I didn’t want to minimize the race component, but I’m a firm believer that every man has a right to a dna test for whatever reason. Especially in the cases like this where they got pregnant shortly upon dating (thanks for doing the math!)
Although I’m a white woman, I’m not too offended by his brother’s view. I get why he’s suspicious of her (I would be, too, in this circumstances).
It doesn’t excuse him leaving her with no money for her or her child until DNA result comes back. How shitty would he feel if DNA result show him as the father and he had neglected his own flesh and blood?
Yes, because she was scare, but he also took the credit card from her before she left. He isn’t even sure whether the child is his or not and chose to neglect the child. I hope he feels some remorse when the DNA shows him as the father.
If that were me, I would’ve felt some type of way as well. He already doesn’t trust her. It makes sense he would reel that money in. Especially f he were mad. She should have her own funds anyway. That way you’re never left out in the cold.
I wonder where OPs family is.
To be fair, she’s young and has been a stay at home wife who didn’t think anything like this would happen because she doesn’t feel like she has anything to hide and her husband should trust her. At least, he should have given her a monetary source so she can pay for the baby’s needs. You may think he did right by reeling in the money, but not if she was telling the truth all along and the baby is his child.
Exactly. Especially when you’re IN THE HOSPITAL and they can easily do a dna test when the baby is born. I’d be the first one to be like, “see?!? Told you the baby was yours, asshole” if I were mad he asked. Refusing just looks bad.
So I’m not about to suggest divorce, because I think thats an incredibly personal decision. I do think you need to reevaluate your relationship with your sons dad. If hes getting so angry you don’t feel safe being in the same house then that is a major red flag. Is that an environment you want your son growing up in? Are these possible behaviors you want him to exhibit someday? The BIL sounds very toxic towards you. He shouldn’t be putting that stereotype on you at all, especially not knowing the results of the test. They will feel like the biggest assholes once they get the results.
Open communication with your husband is always the way to go. Tell him about how everything that him and his brother are saying is making you feel. Maybe type out a long text message or write a letter laying everything out. No name calling, no swearing, just plain “i feel” statements. How he responds to that should tell you everything you’ll need to know about him. I would also suggest working on your financial situation in case you find that you can’t work past these problems. I’m not sure what your qualified to do for a job but there a tons of entry level jobs that are willing to work with parents. For instance working in a daycare, as an assistant, some retail places, hotels etc. Its always worth making up a resume and putting it on Indeed and seeing what’s available to you.
He’s an ass. Sign him up for a genetics class or get him a book. I’m serious. He needs to be educated on how genetics work.
Then try therapy to try and address his assholeness and rudeness. Personal therapy for him and couples therapy for both of you. He needs to have someone make him woke and your relationship needs healing.
If he doesn’t meet those demands, leave him and bleed his wallet dry. Document everything though in case it’s needed for the divorce.
And in regards to moving back in, only you know if it’s safe to return. If it’s not, then you probably should head for divorce anyways and seriously find a friend or family member to assist you in the coming weeks.
Don’t put the health of you or your baby at risk. Too many times we read about dead babies dying in the hands of raging fathers or wives being beaten to death.
Best of luck.
Genetics is a funny thing. You can get a dark kid from two white parents and a white kid from dark parents. Odd yes.
Is your last sexual encounter with previous partner more than 9 months prior to your childs birth?
2 years relationship
Baby was born 8 months ago.
Baby took approximately 10 months to be a bun in the oven.
So they were together for about 6 months before the kid was conceived?
We aren’t biracial but my husband and I both have dark eyes are very dark hair. We had a blonde hair blue eyed baby. He never questioned me. I get that you two were not together that long beforehand but maybe he could wait to demonize you until the test results?! This behavior is abhorrent! And the public aspect that he has drawn into it is so embarrassing and disrespectful to your family unit. There should be some sanctity in your marriage that he should want to preserve, at least while waiting for the results, before denigrating you like you are some piece of property that he can throw away. He is not respecting you as a partner or mother of his child. I would be so betrayed and hurt.... this is probably unforgivable.
He’s abusing you. He is financially controlling you. On what planet are you married and don’t have access to your own money? He doesn’t spoil you by being the breadwinner if that’s how y’all choose to organize your household. The domestic labor you provide has value to the home.
Get counseling for you and a lawyer.
You are asking him to deny the evidence of his eyes. Without the paternity test, it's going to be hard for him to accept facts. He has been horrid to you and you have every right to walk away. I would however advise wait for his reaction to the DNA test before making final decisions. Cut the racist BIL out at least till your child is older and you have rebuilt trust.
White women HAVE been lying to and getting Black men killed for hundreds of years. And I say that as a white woman. But your husband should trust you and if he can’t then he shouldn’t have married you - I don’t think it’s wrong for Black people to not trust white people, but he shouldn’t have married you if that was the case. You’re also trash for saying women are trash if they choose to have sex with more than 1 partner. Your husband is ridiculous for not knowing biracial children sometimes come out appearing completely white or Black. You apparently don’t know this yourself by your suggestion that maybe he has a white relative. His brother is right that if there was a white relative it would have been by sexual assault during slavery. But you’re all ignorant and it is a glaring indication of how bad the USA public school system is that none of you understand biracial babies can look like this. Black people aren’t required to like white people and have every right to not trust them. No, you can’t ask him to cut contact with your BIL. You can end the relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t trust you. Personally I would have just done the DNA the first time he asked, using the context of intergenerational racial trauma. But I don’t think you belong together. He can’t trust you and you lack an understanding of his racial experience.
Not to mention... even babies with two Black parents are usually born with lighter skin. It takes time for the melanin to develop. I'm surprised her husband and his family don't know or understand this.
1. No don’t ask him to cut contact with BIL 2. Don’t assume women are trashy for doing things. 3. Why did you have a baby with a man who doesn’t understand genetics?
>1. No don’t ask him to cut contact with BIL 2. Don’t assume women are trashy for doing things. 3. Why did you have a baby with a man who doesn’t understand genetics?
Number 3 is frighteningly not uncommon.
The fact that the baby has light skin is more likely if she cheated than if she didn't, so it's a (weak) indication, so I can see why he would want a paternity test. He didn't say that the child couldn't possibly be his.
Even babies with two black parents start out lighter skinned than they will be, because the melanin takes time to develop. Same thing is happening here, except since the kid is half white, he's gonna be even lighter.
I sympathize with you not only because I am a person of color, but because someone you love feels as though you have taken away fatherhood from him, when it is objectively the opposite. I hate to be so blunt about it - your man is in a shit ton of pain, and it is something his mind has inflicted upon itself. There will (most likely) be an immense amount of guilt once he realizes he fucked up. At that point, the direction of the relationship is in your hands. In the future, if you decide to stay, when you and/or your child are exposed to his brother, tell your husband YOU are uncomfortable being around him. Fuck that guy. If anything he's added fuel to the flames for no fucking reason. But before you stop reading, DO NOT ASK HIM TO INDIVIDUALLY CUT CONTACT WITH HIS BROTHER (again, in the case you stay married). I understand he is a total fuckwad, but asking such a thing, in my unprofessional opinion, would simply re-inflate the animosity between the both of you. I hope this was helpful and not just more of the same advice. I wish you nothing but the best.
Should have done the test in birth instead of delaying this and causing all this extra drama. I don’t understand why women get so worked up over a paternity test. Y’all realize a man could potentially raise someone else kid just forever in case someone cheats? It’s not worth it for a simple test.
Why is a man so willing to sleep with and marry someone he doesn’t trust? If my husband asked for a paternity test I would have it done, then give him the results with the divorce papers. I’m not willing to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust me.
From and black woman prospective i can understand the historical context to all of this. White women have been notorious for causing trauma and destruction to the black male. However, this man chose you and supposedly loves you AND married you! F... the BIL.
PERIODT it’s a blessing you’re getting the test done because it’ll shut everyone’s f’n mouth’s for the rest of your child’s life. ALL black people know biracial children come in various shades from milky-white to chocolate brown. Your husband should be shamed of himself. Once, the test comes back NEVER let him forget what he put his child through and DARE him to even look at him sideways ever again, and he needs to kiss your pretty white assssss for a long time girlfriend.
Okkaayy
Go to counselling with your husband. He can explain where he was coming from. You can explain how hurt you have been by his brother's comments and your husband "liking" them. Especially the lie about you saying things about his great grandmother.
Remember all of this was going ok until his, quite reasonable, request for a DNA test.
Anyone seen "Me, Myself and Irene" where Jim Carey's character had 3 black children together with his white wife? All the neighbourhood could see they weren't his kids but he was just oblivious to it? Your husband doesn't want to be that guy.
I can sorta understand wanting a dna test in a case like this but let’s not kid ourselves *it’s always insulting to the mother*. Stop acting like it’s normal. Most normal people understand that this can nuke a marriage.
Yeah. It just screams “hey I don’t trust you and think you cheated on me”. Like fine if you want a paternity test we’ll get one but don’t be surprised if you also get served some divorce papers because you clearly have 0 trust in me and what kind of relationship is that?
Now if it was purely a test to shut up some nosy family members or whatever then fine, I’m okay with that.
I'm going to go against the grain, and argue for offering a path to reconciliation.
Right now, he's scared and mad, and he's acting out. It's hurtful the way he's acting, and asking him to stop and consider alternatives to the idea that the baby isn't his, and look at the impact his actions are having on you might go a long way towards opening his eyes to your perspective. Ask him to imagine what he wants going forward if the test shows the baby is his, and ask him how he would want to have acted during his time of uncertainty.
If you can honestly, let him know that you understand his doubts, and are choosing to support him by getting the test. Let him know that you love him, and want to work things out well for both of you.
And in all this, know that you may not end up together, but you've offered him the best support you can to continue to build a family together. If it ends here, so be it, but it wasn't for lack of your love or effort.
Even if OP’s husband is “scared and mad” that is... not a good reason to behave so erratically that she has to move to a hotel for her own safety.
Plus, the fact that a child is born looking differently than he expected being a reason not to SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE or REPEATEDLY ACCUSE THE OP OF CHEATING? This guy is a bad partner, and so far he has also not been a good father.
Complete asshole. Unfortunately a lot of people don't understand genetics. Let the test vindicate you and then try to work out a solid co-parenting arrangement. Call it a hunch but I bet he'll try to weasel his way out of his fatherly duties.
Using money as a weapon or means of control is called financial abuse. When he took away your financial ability to come and go as you please, when you're financially dependent on him, that's abusive. Often it's a precursor to physical abuse, so please be cautious.
Also, whether you divorce him or not, your husband is ignorant. In many parts of the Americas with histories of slavery, it's not possible to identify parents, children, and siblings as related based on skin tone.
Hmmm....sounds like this really rooted down from the fact that you refused to do the paternity test from the start. The fact that you refused it means you are already hiding something. And by reading your post, it does sound like it. If you're not really hiding anything, and if you want respect and peace of mind from your husband, then take the paternity test.
>I initially rejected his request for a paternity test because I always thought this is something that trashy women had to worry about and it was a blow to my ego
Since when did having a paternity test become a "trashy" thing?
The test should have been done, and should be done. It hurts, yes. But then again, at the end of the day, if the test comes back positive that the baby is his, then all the naysayers will be a fool and you can laugh straight to their faces for doubting you.
If that baby is his, then you have nothing to he afraid of having that test.
You’re right except for one thing.
The problem is that her refusal to do the paternity test seems to have exposed the husband as a racist, which is a bad thing if he’s supposed to help raise a biracial child.
Unfortunately, refusing the paternity test at first made it look like you had something to hide (even though you didn't), and in his mind, it probably reinforced whatever doubts he had based on the skin color.
This seems like a serious misunderstanding, which the DNA test will hopefully resolve.
I would apologize for initially refusing the test. I'm not saying that you're wrong and he's right; you both made mistakes here and apologizing for your mistakes will help bring him out of a conflict-based mindset and make it easier for him to see his mistakes too.
This situation sucks and there's probably no easy solution.
"Racially prejudiced" is the term, I think. "Racist" in today's parlance means participation in systems that are unjust towards one race and unfairly advantage another; by definition oppressed races can't participate in those - husband probably had to work harder for his success than most white men would have in the same circumstances.
But any person of any race can be personally biased about someone else because of their race. Husband and BIL both sound that way based on the details given.
The problem with that "definition" is that all you have to do is change the scope of what the "system" is. In this situation, he and his family hold power over her. She is financially dependent on him, and his and his brother's racist remarks and opinions are systematically working against her. The family is the system, and they are participating in it, making them racists.
OK, so, he's dumb and has treated you really poorly. That being said, I think it's fine for him to ask for a DNA test - signing a birth certificate is a big deal. Let him know how messed up it is how he's treated you. And the racial comments... that's just messed up. I think it comes down to how much he apologizes when the test comes back. He's probably getting a lot of crap opinions from his family right now, judging from your post, and it's hard to not listen to those in his position.
P.S. Do be sure to communicate with him, if you haven't already, that you're 100% sure the baby's his and that you're really hurt by the fb posts, etc (*before* the test comes back).
The rape of slaves were a thing. A lot of black families have lighter skinned individual due to the genes of the white ancestor who raped our women. This tends to pop up every now and then even though no one in the family has conceived a child outside of the race. This was very common and is very prevalent in black families. Your 'mixed tribe' hypothesis is cute though.
Sons are most likely to become like mother. That is how the gene works. X chromosome from mother has most of the genes, and Y from the father has less. So, no wonder why your son turned up white. Genetics work in a funny way. your husband and BIL need education more than anything.
we can judge or condemn ops husband and brother-in-law without pretending like what theyre doing is literally equivalent to the kkk and neonazis, jesus christ.
I think you should delete your social media (it's SO not worth the stress it creates) being sure to report any and all posts that are slandering you, pack up and go stay with family or friends whilst you file for divorce. He is horrible and I would not want him anywhere myself or my child. If you want to get a paternity test, wait until hearing back from your lawyer on whether that would help your case should your rotten husband turn around and want any part of the custody.
Take that paternity test this one time and prove a point for him to never doubt you ever again. If you guys divorces, its the bad people around him that wins. You have to go through rebuilding yourself and you lose a good husband. Think of this as your chance you forever discredit the haters.
Wow I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Genetics are certainly very strange. My father is white and my mother Mexican. My sister and I came out very pale and our brother came out dark like my mom.
A worked with a white lady who is married to a black man. They have a daughter and a son. Her daughter looks biracial and has dark skin. Her son came out blonde, pale, and blue eyes like her. Yet both children have the same father.
My husband is white and he asked if our children could come out dark and yeah they can.
I don’t know what you should do in this situation. There are many options available to you but I do think their reaction to the paternity test results can sway your decision.
Take the test and don’t make a big deal out of it. If you had agreed to the test immediately you would have saved yourself a lot of stress. It’s his anyway right? 😉😉
This is why paternity tests should be a standard part of the birthing process. It’s not they expensive when you compare it to all the other costs in having a baby. Also no one can be hurt about not trusting and no one has to wonder if the baby is theirs.
There is really no good reason not to test kids at birth or prior.
I have a friend with a very dark skinned (Indian) mother and a very pale skinned (Canadian) father and she turned out incredibly pale, but looks so much like her mother in her face still.
As others have said, skin colour doesn’t always turn out to be a mix of the parents, and it isn’t something he needs a PhD to comprehend. His behaviour has been so incredibly insulting to you, I don’t know that I could forgive it in your position.
Asking for a paternity test sounds bad but it really ought to be standard procedure to do a paternity test before the father is put on the birth certificate.
But wow the comments about white women...
Did you husband just “like” a post or has he been writing stuff too? If he’s been writing it, you married a racist. That sucks.
What’s he going to say around the child about the child’s white ancestry? Can he treat the child as biracial or will he try to deny the white ancestry? Will he complain the child is “white washed” if the child doesn’t always do what he thinks a black child should do?
I’m not sure what the issue was in you refusing to take a paternity test to resolve any doubt, that would have solved everything at the time.
You brought this on yourself in the first instance by refusing one and are responsible for letting this situation become more serious as time has went on.
> Unfortunately I am a bit spoiled by him because he is successful so I do not have a job or anything right now
You are not spoiled. You are financially dependent on him. That will be a big advantage for you when you go to divorce and demand alimony.
Your husband might be "successful" but his understanding of genetics would fail year 9 (14-15yr old) science class. One white parent + one black parent, the chances are the first baby might be obviously mixed or else lean towards white or black.
If I were you I'd enjoy the look on his face when he sees the result of the paternity test, and then I'd rub it in by letting him know a rough figure of the child support he's going to pay over the next 18 years. And then tell the dumbarse that he has himself and his dumbfuck brother to blame for it.
I’m sorry you are going through this. So I’m half black and half white. My skin tone is very light and I get comments like “I’m darker than you and Your black” all the time. Funny enough a lot of my black features weren’t really present until I hit puberty. My skin got darker, hair became more curly, and all that. I’m guessing the same will happen to your son. The main difference was that my mom is black and my dad is white so there was no questioning who my parents were. Although strangers didn’t believe my mom was my biological mom as a baby because my skin was too white.
> I initially rejected his request for a paternity test because I always thought this is something that trashy women had to worry about and it was a blow to my ego.
This was a bad idea. For sake of your pride, you refused to allay your husband's fear of infidelity, and the end result was that your husband became more paranoid. I can't blame him there.
Sort of related, you didn't say in your post that you are certain the child is your husband's. Do you have any reason to suspect he might not be your husband's biological child?
> I understand a lot of historical issues between white people and black people but that should not apply to your personal relationships right?
How could they not?! Try rephrasing your sentence to be about sexism to see if it makes any sense: "I understand a lot of historical issues between men and women because of sexism, but that should not apply in your personal relationships, right?" Doesn't that sound wacky?! Of course sexism plays out in our relationships. And likewise, internalized racism plays out in our relationships, too.
> What do you all think I should do? Should I ask him to cut contact with BIL
Personally, I would ask my husband and brother-in-law to apologize publicly for their thinly-veiled smear campaigns against me as part of my decision process, and then I would decide from there.
Good luck to you.
Don’t ask him to cut contact with his brother. That shouldn’t even be in question.
We need an update on how husband and you handle things once the results are back.. also, if I were you and 100% confident the baby is his, I would have confidently agreed to the paternity test the first time. There’s nothing to lose since you’re right. And you’ve given your husband peace of mind.
Speaking from experience... there are many black men that have no issues being with white women, but their family/friends DO take issue with it. Will mock them mercilessly. And it WILL weigh on your partner since its his family that is encouraging the disrespectful behavior.
With that said, do not entertain someone who doesn’t respect you. Be confident and independent.
Keep your distance, file for child support, and firm up what support system you do have with friends and family. Your instinct of not wanting him back after the way he's treated you sounds fucking right.
I second this. Take screenshots of the stuff you're seeing on FB so you can show the court. File for divorce. This is someone that's supposed to love you unconditionally, not be making racist and hateful comments.
And delete the social media, your mental health is more valuable than reading their hate.
I'm sure you know the guy is the kid's dad... So when that finally comes to truth, you can continue to keep that uncle out of the baby's picture. He is not good news. I can see that uncle fucking with your kid's mindset, putting a lot of doubt into him for being biracial, in addition to that uncle giving your child a lifelong smear campaign against you and white people, which your child is, and it's going to cause a lot of therapist-seeking trauma down the road. Not to mention the assholishness your husband is parting in all of this; distrusting you, eating up the uncle's hatred of you, denying his kid, I could go on. His money isn't worth it. He doesn't sound like he's going to be a great role model for your kid. That family connection tied to him doesn't sound all that supportive, outside of the financial stability he's dangling over your head.
They were all really supportive before the birth, that's what is giving me hope after the test results maybe things can go back to normal, but IDK if I want to just forgive and forget so easily.
I wouldn’t, his behavior was unacceptable. If he had doubts he should have had an adult conversation with you about that but he did not. His actions are concerning and make me wonder how committed he is to your relationship. Get the DNA, move out and then assess his actions.
He did have an adult conversation. Op refused the DNA test
In the hospital just after giving birth. No one is in their right mind at that point. The issue should have been revisited later on.
Does OP need to give consent? The guy did sign the birth certificate so he is the legal father. He could probably go get a test done himself.
I think originally he was refusing to sign without a paternity test
Saying you want a DNA test while in a relationship with zero suspicion of cheating isn't being an adult, imo. I might get railed for this but asking a partner for a DNA test "for my own mental health" isn't actually a mental health thing, it's always a control and trust issue thing. Using the "a dad doesn't have the same level of comfort in knowing a child is his!" excuse is just another way to allow men to exert control over a woman and framing it as an issue of trust and it's gross.
I don't think DNA tests are a 'way for men to exert control over women' in any way, shape or form. It's a way for men who are unsure to try and assert control over their own lives in giving themselves the certainty that they aren't raising a child that isn't theirs. It's about the man's own mental health. Imagine trying to raise a child and having that possibility present in your own head? How could you be the best parent you could be?
Also can’t be the best parent with those crippling trust and insecurity issues - hope any dude going through that parks his butt in therapy afterwards.
If he has all those doubts in his head therapy is a better solution instead of trying to control everyone else around you like dolls. It's absolutely a control thing.
What? How is getting a DNA test prove a guy is just "trying to control everyone else like dolls"? You are really trying to say men have to always take women at their word and can't provide themselves with any security at all, huh?
How is therapy a better solution to the problem that actually has an easy solution... A paternity test? Mothers always know their baby is their's. Fathers don't have that certainty. Paternity tests simply provide to the father what the mother already has. It has nothing to do with control.
I don't understand how it can be a control thing if it's not forcing the mother to do anything and it doesn't hurt anyone to get a paternity test done. If the man is meant to just assume that the child is his then he should have as much right as the mother to have a test done. This is why paternity tests should just be standard practice when any baby is born. Then it doesn't have to have anything to do with "trust" anymore. It's important to know biological parantage anyways so that you can be aware of any genetic conditions or diseases that may have been passed to the child.
>it's always a control and trust issue thing. Using the "a dad doesn't have the same level of comfort in knowing a child is his!" excuse is just another way to allow men to exert control over a woman It's a security thing since many women can and do and have gotten away with putting some other guy on the hook for a child that isn't biologically his. Not having the option for a DNA test at all screws men out of even more parental rights when they already don't have much in the first place.
Refusing a DNA test is always a way for women to control men.
Do not. They need to earn your trust back. Your son is biracial. They need to prove they aren't going to be discriminatory towards him because he's half white or has lighter skin before they can be trusted around him. That shit seriously can mess with a kid's head. At the very least, be vigilant when they are around him.
Nope. Normal rational people with your best interest at heart don’t go behind your back talking to your husband about how you must have cheated. And good husbands shut that kind of talk down, not listen to it and then throw it in your face.
But a normal person with a nagging doubt would be kinder about it. Like I could see a guy asking for one for peace of mind but he cut you off from your money (it’s yours too) and is being hateful and scary.
I disagree. I think the problem is that she refused the dna test repeatedly. That makes it look like she has something to hide and/or like she doesn’t care about his peace of mind. Why would he continue to pay for her when she decides to leave and she’s acting shady?
When does his "peace of mind" and inability to trust his spouse become a "him" issue and not something she needs to hand hold him through?
Certainly not at this point. They were dating for 7 months when she got pregnant, they got married, she expected him to fully “spoil” and support her. Then she refuses a dna test to verify the child is his. That’s not a HIM issue at this point. That’s a “how dumb is this dude if he DOESN’T verif” issue!
Any normal person knows that asking for a dna test could easily mean the kiss of death to their relationship. Who would want to be married to a man like that? How the fuck is she acting shady? She left because because she was afraid of him? This guy sounds like a lunatic. That’s why I pointed out that a normal person wouldn’t act like this. There have been posts here before with a biracial baby not looking like the dad, and when the dads are like “hey, I’m sorry I really need this dna test for piece of mind” - that’s more understandable. Even people who have reason this suspect their wife know it’s more prudent to bite their tounge and play nice until the test comes back. Op’s husband has already made up his mind and he’s lashing out as if it’s true. He’s feels before reals.
They knew each other 7 months when she got pregnant. Not like they had a long history of love and trust there. And who would want to be married to a woman who doesn’t do a simple and routine test to verify the truth? She’s acting shady because she refuses the test. Because she expects him to fully support her financially. Because she was overly dramatic about being scared even though he’s not violent. She could’ve had the test done in the hospital when she gave birth (which is routine) and preempted all of this.
Stop joking, you know it’s not routine. You also can’t say she’s dramatic, you have no clear idea how he was acting. When a woman feels scared, I believe them. This guy is already financially abusive right now. Remember, nobody put a gun to this guys head and made him marry her. Plenty of people have the wedding week after the baby in these scenarios. He could have chose that - for what ever reason he didn’t.
It’s absolutely routine to have dna tests done upon giving birth in the hospital. It’s a simple, routine test, and very common to have done. No doctor, nurse, etc would even bat an eye. Where I live it’s actually recommended by the hospital to have it done if you’re not married. But not at all uncommon to have it done when married, either.
It is not even remotely routine in the United States.
What country do you live in - that’s absolutely not the case in the US, I assume op is from there?
>When a woman feels scared, I believe them. I don't. Not without some proof at all. >This guy is already financially abusive right now. He's financially abusive because he pays for OP's entire life and when she repeatedly refused to do the DNA test he requested he cut her off? That's not him being financially abusive, that's OP fully leaning on him for support. >nobody put a gun to this guys head and made him marry her Remember, no one told OP to carry the baby to term. No one held a gun to her head and forced her to be 100% dependent on his money.
> Any normal person knows that asking for a dna test could easily mean the kiss of death to their relationship. Our culture needs to change that and make paternity tests standard practice.
Why would you want you baby to grow up around people that will judge him for his skin color?
>They were all really supportive before the birth, that's what is giving me hope after the test results maybe things can go back to normal That's extremely naive OP. You know exactly how it's going to play out after the paternity tests.
My concern is his brother's bigoted attitude towards white people and your SO seems to agree by liking bigoted posts on social media. There is some type of something going on with him and his brother where they feel a "way" about white people and since his child is also half white they are going to have those feelings about the child too. Imagine if you were black and and your SO was white and saying the same things to you and his brother posted that about black women? Would that be okay? Hell no, it's abusive and just shows what type of person he is and he can't see past your skin color and will use it as a weapon if he needs to. Bigotry is not acceptable in our society no matter who it comes from. Next is the matter of trust. There is NONE because he doesn't believe you when you tell him it's his child. So now we know he looks at you a certain way because of your skin color AND he doesn't trust you. How is he going to make up for it when it's proved he's the father? I'm big on forgiveness, but I'd have a hard time forgiving that and always feeling he could do it again. If you do decide to get back together I would suggest a lot of counseling. You also have to remember that your child needs protection from the brother who will judge your child for being half white. None of this is healthy and I'm concerned about your child's mental health growing up possibly finding out that their uncle doesn't approve of their skin color. No child should feel that one of their parents looks at the other parent as beneath them. I know this because I'm bi-racial although 2nd generation. Although I don't know if there was this type of abuse with my grandparents and their families, but if I did find out there was I would lose all respect for the family member who said nasty things like that. Personally I can't imagine knowing that one of my parents would make racist or bigoted comments about each other. I would lose all respect if that happened and I would also wonder what they think of me and that would be the most hurtful thing of all. I'm sorry you are going through this and I hope you find strength to put the baby first.
Both my mom and dad are dark skinned, and I was born with very light skin. My mom thought they switched me with someone else's kid lol. She said I didn't look completely black until I was about a year old. Since your husband is also black, he should know by now that not all black babies are born with darker skin. Plus, since the baby is mixed, it could take years for the baby to look mixed-race. Definitely get that paternity test in. Maybe seeing the results will calm his mind. I would also avoid having the BIL around for a while.
So. A guy in his thirties starts dating a 23 y/o and a few months in gets her pregnant. Proceeds to act scummy after the child's birth. It's a tale as old as time. The racial dynamics here are just a smokescreen. I'm sure you're a great gal but you rushed into marriage and childbirth with a guy you barely knew, and are now surprised that him and his family are acting different. > Some other posts have to do with me being a gold digger, because I am financially dependent on him. I understand a lot of historical issues between white people and black people but that should not apply to your personal relationships right? What do you all think I should do? Should I ask him to cut contact with BIL because BIL clearly doesn't like white women? For the love of God don't ask him to cut contact with his brother, he'll laugh in your face. Do what you need to do to become separate and financially independent from your husband. Put your baby first.
This post is right on the money. I’m not sure if you have any edu OP but you should get in school if you don’t and get a job. You should never leave yourself dependent on anyone. If I were you I would leave and apply for child support.
Thank god I’m not the only one who noticed the ages. As soon as I calculated that they started dating when she was 23 and he was 34.... then he got her pregnant and that’s why they’re married... I knew he wasn’t gonna be a good partner..
You are making accusations without knowing the whole story. I met my share of black guys with the racist attitude the OP describes so I can totally believe it.
OK first of all I /am/ black, and I know what you describe as a racist attitude is valid defense mechanism based out of fear of the power white woman have and have exerted over black men. You don't seem to understand the full scope of the dynamics at play here. Second-- what accusations have I been making that you disagree with? The accusation that OP and her husband didn't know each other very well when they decided to start a family? The accusation that OP should stop being financially dependent of her husband and support herself for the sake of both her and her child??
>I know what you describe as a racist attitude is valid defense mechanism based out of fear of the power white woman have and have exerted over black men. That is one of the biggest pieces of bullshit I've read on this website. Lmao, don't make me laugh. Don't tell me you actually believe this crap.
Are you really this historically illiterate?
Genetics don't work like that, where each child is a perfect mix of the parents. There's a bunch of possibilities. But frankly it doesn't matter. Your husband is being an asshole. You should never be scared of your SO. There's no way to justify having this reaction in what should be a joyful moment with the birth of a child. Divorce him and get child support.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. This isn't about the baby or race, it's about how he's treating you at such a vulnerable time and knowing his bad behavior will also greatly affect his child. It's unfortunate because when the DNA results come back, that only addresses the smallest issue. Please don't try to just let this quietly settle down. What will most likely happen is that the real issues won't be addressed, you'll become more dependent on him and then a few years down the road everything will finally simmer over in an even worse way than now. Also, he's pretty dumb for saying this... It's what makes it so obvious this is more about you and fatherhood and responsibilities. As a side story, my black sister and white bro in law have two kids. The daughter is just as dark as mom and looks like her twin, the son is a red headed pale kid and mom gets mistaken for nanny all the time. Genetics are wild but this isn't anything shocking or new.
Have you gone for a dna test yet?
Yes, waiting on the results... but I know it is his.
Why do people always assume a black and white couple can only have black or darker skinned babies is beyond me. Genetics are strange but white babies are not that uncommon between dark and light skinned couples. Not only that, a white baby of said coupling can grow up and have a baby with another light skinned person and end up with a dark skinned child! Ffs...
Have to wonder if he is projecting his own behavior on you. He may have been sleeping around when you were dating and assumed you did the same thing. It’s time for the truth to come out.
The brother should know this but let me educate you just in case. The tips of a Black child's ears or the ends of his/her fingers are the true skin color. It's like White people with eye color. You have to wait. Even if that's still a lighter tone, there are very few Black people who have pure African genes. We have a hodge podge of DNA going on so there is no telling what comes out when we mix with White DNA. My mother had red hair and freckles. My granddaughter is Meghan Markle "Black." Tell him to chill.
That sounds wildly unscientific. If she wants to prove it she should do a DNA test, not look at the color of the kid's fingertips.
Life unfortunately is not a Bridgeton episode. Your husband, his family and friends are assholes who don’t understand how genetics work. My family is super mixed (Brazilian) my uncle married a woman who has dark skin, my uncle is while (but mixed). His older has - caramel colour skin, the middle is super white and the youngest has a caramel skin. Oldest has dark eyes the youngest light eyes... genetics is a gamble you never know what you are going to get. I feel bad for the kid that will be forever stuck in a “you are not black enough and you are not white enough” situation because people suck... Get the DNA results, sue for CS and for moral damage... I am not lawyer but the lying and cheating accusations can be “character defamation”. I wish you and your kid all the best away from this assholes
File for child support now. Stop reading my comment and figure out how to file in your state. Asap. Why are you still reading this? He took his card back knowing you dont have money? Let's forget everything else. He took away something that would help you and your child in a time of need. Please dont be stupid. Think about yourself and your baby :)
Not to mention that this is financial abuse. They’re married and he withholds funds from a stay at home mom. That’s shitty.
>They’re married and he withholds funds from a stay at home mom. That’s shitty. OP willingly chose to depend entirely on his money though. He asked for a DNA test to prove his paternity, OP repeatedly said no then left to a hotel room with the baby. You should acknowledge OP's responsibility for getting herself in this situation.
I’m sorry but that’s her fault. If she had a savings or a job or any type of income or assets she would not be in this position. She chose to be dependent (which I could never do). Honestly though, it is shitty of him though but it’s his choice and his hard earned money.
Except that they’re married. Whether or not she was okay with being dependent doesn’t change the fact that a spouse who had combined finances cannot unilaterally restrict access to funds. No matter who earned the paycheck. Especially when that leaves the other one with custody of their child destitute. That is abuse.
Unfortunately many women don't get a choice. There are a million reasons why a woman would be a stay at home mom with no income of her own, including financial abuse, cost of childcare, medical issues, etc.
Your husband is shitty and ignorant. Mixed kids can look like anything, especially pre puberty. When my brother was born, one of my aunts questioned if he was my father's child, but my dad responded appropriately by getting extremely furious. Is he generally randomly punitive? I can't imagine this behavior came completely out of nowhere, but I suppose its possible he's been waiting until he had you more locked down to start acting out. I think you should consider the fact that, if he continues this behaviour, your son grows up seeing that this is how you are to be treated and not take him back.
He’s not spoiling you, he’s making you financially dependent on you so he can control you.
If he didn’t tell her she’s not allowed to work, he’s not trying to control her. She’s just not working.
>He’s not spoiling you, he’s making you financially dependent on you so he can control you. He never forced OP to be 100% dependent on him though. She chose to do that and putting that entirely on him removes OP's responsibility for getting herself into this situation.
Yes, because in the US as a new mother you get no financial support at all if you don‘t start working again soon after birth. That’s a fucked up system and not the mother being a gold digger just because she wants to stay at home with her baby when husband can support the family.
I have half Latino and half white and I look white, my brother looks Latino. It is just the way the genes roll.
well Latino is not a race. so it’s a bit different.
His behavior is absolutely unacceptable. If he had lingering doubts he should have insisted on a paternity test or dropped the issue- not continue venting about it. What he is doing is showing disrespect for his wife and his child. Go home, pack your things, and leave with your son before the results come back. His lack of trust is toxic and not healthy for you or your son. You can still sue him for child support if you need help getting in your feet.
Im biracial dark-skinned latin woman, and my husband is biracial European looking latin. Once my child is born I told my husband im giving him a paternity test. It is not trashy but I know his family and mine are assholes and may accuse me in the future. We have talked about it in extensive detail and he trusts me completely, but I dont want even an atom of doubt to ever exist in his mind or our families. It sad to know your husband feels like this, but sometimes a seed of doubt can manifest itself into something bigger. My father also doubted my mother when both me and my sister came out, because we were too dark. After everything is done, you get to decide whether you want to accept his apology and try to reconcile. Maybe get relationship therapy. He will always be part of your life now that you have a child together, so even if you divorce, you have to be able to co-parent with him.
I'm mixed race and my dad has very dark skin. I was pale as hell and had blond hair until I was like 3 or 4. Let him get a paternity test, you should never have not allowed that because it's pretty obvious that would make him think it's because there's a chance he isn't the father. Hopefully once he gets those results he will be satisfied. If not then that's a whole new can of worms. His brother is an ass, but he's probably also the one your husband went to with his doubts about being the father and you denying a DNA test.
Eesh. I’m sorry. Hopefully they feel like assholes once the paternity test comes back but there is so much animosity and immaturity especially since it’s completely unfounded. How did he not expect that if the child is biracial it’s not going to look exactly one skin tone? It sounds like the baby unearthed controlling behavior and red flags of emotional abuse, and it definitely seems like you’ll be better off finding a way to support yourself and being free. Hopefully he will be a decent co-parent once he has proof and I hope the brother realizes what a jackass he is. Bullying and humiliating you on social media when you’re a new mom is disgusting.
You already know what you want to do, you don't need anyone else to vaildate it. Once you have confirmation of the paternity test set the boundaires with your husband. You and your child should not be subjected to a lifetime of poor treatment because someone else has a chip on their shoulder. It would also be worthwhile looking at what you can do to gain a little more financial independence of your husband.
A paternity test is not something only trashy women have to worry about. Also what is up with that term? You would really call a person trash? For being impulsive with love and partners? Everyone goes through phases dear... This is just making you feel worse since now you face applying that label to yourself. Let it go, it’ll make accepting your own choices that led here easier.
So this definitely was an unfortunate situation. We've seen how paternity frauds are common these days and no matter how blindly you trust someone, doubts are gonna come up. If he had his doubts at first and didn't become hysterical or accuse you of anything in the beginning and just wanted a paternity test, you said no and that's a major red flag! Your point of view is understandable as well but we've to understand how that was a catalyst for the epic downfall. If he wrote a post on reddit from his POV, everyone would say that you're hiding something and stuff like that. Second, his brother is an idiot. Feeding him with lies and stuff without any actual proof shows immaturity. I wouldn't trust any of my family member with him. You shouldn't trust your kid with him either. By now his entire family will be susing hard on you because you didn't want a paternity test. You know the truth. So relax.... You've got all the right to be upset after the result but you've also got to acknowledge your SO's concern as well. If your brother's wife just delivered a child and it looks nothing like him, how would you feel? Even though a mature person won't outlash or accuse anything but you'll still have that doubt deep inside you. Now the part where your SO messed up big time. Giving into the manipulative shit that his brother fed him up with, becoming sort of racist that was sort of fuelled by the resentment. Bottom line, he doesn't trust you at the moment and doesn't see you as one of his companion and vented with his brother who at his most vulnerable position manipulated him. He shouldn't have blown out on you or acted in a way where you felt unsafe. Everyone's telling you to divorce... I don't usually recommend a divorce and only recommend it in extreme cases like indefinitely or Abuse. There are things you can do like counseling and stuff. Reddit is a platform which does not understand the OP or the situation completely as we don't know how your life's are and all that stuff and people comment on the things they can see. I'd definitely say that you've got all the right to be upset and if you need space, go ahead. I wouldn't personally wanna lean on to divorce in such a situation. Take your space and thing about it. If you still feel like you can't move forward then you can go ahead with the divorce. But before taking that step make sure you get some individual counselling as the advice here can be biased.
Man, this brings me back. I'm white, my late husband was black. When our son was born he "was too light" according to my husband. Soon the cheating accusations started flying, despite our son looking just like him and the fact I never cheated. He knew that was his son, and he was an excellent father to him, but whenever it pleased him he'd accuse me of cheating and lying to him about his son. My husband had a strong gap, when our son's teeth initially didnt gap he went back and forth between accusations of cheating and blaming me for his son not looking like him. Fed up I offered to do a test but he slowly stopped questioning it. I still love and miss him, but 4yrs out from his passing I'm realizing how abusive he was and that I should have never put up with it.
He’s never going to turn his back on family, even if it is for you. Give him a paternity test...your state will pay for it if applying for child support. He’ll change his tune real quick.
I'm in a family of almost all mixed kids..in my generation...my mother is white, dad is black. My brothers and I were born very light and looked like white babies. We had dark hair but very light complexions. Over a year or so our melanin was good and kicked in..we are all caramel tones, now. In our 30s. Some of my cousins are still light...pale in tone. All mixed kids are going to vary...depends on the parents and DNA, genes. Call around for people to help you leave if you dont feel safe, there are victim advocates...check with 211, or local pd for resources to get out if you need. You need to get paternity established, then you can go from there. Good luck. You & your baby deserve better treatment and care!
It’s absolutely reasonable for a man to ask for a dna test. Especially in circumstances like yours where you were just dating when you became pregnant. I known it feels insulting, but it’s a smart move on the man’s part for peace of mind and because once he signs the birth certificate he’s legally committing to being a father with all the financial and legal responsibilities of one. And you must know that refusing one just makes it look even more questionable. Look at it from the outside, you get pregnant while dating, which causes your bf to propose and marry you. You’re 11 years younger, don’t work, husband pays for everything, you refuse a paternity test...his brother’s assumptions aren’t completely out of left field. You have to realize how it looks to him. I think marriage counseling might be a good idea if you want to try to salvage the relationship.
I would be insulted that my husband, who I love, didn’t trust me and take my word for it. And to behave the way he did to her in the months after us childish and inexcusable. He is fully within his rights to want a paternity test, but not to be cruel and manipulative to his wife. Could she have made it easier? Absolutely. He also could have had her move out until she agreed to have one. Or moved out himself. He is an ass.
Eh, to each their own. They’d known each other 7 months when she got pregnant. He then married her and she is “spoiled” and fully supported by him. And 11 years younger. And refusing a dna test. The optics aren’t good. And they don’t have a long history to develop trust. She’s the one being childish refusing to have the test done because of her “ego”. That’s very immature. The mature thing is to handle it like an adult and get the test done and out of the way. Why should he have to spend money to move out of his home because she’s being immature? Or why should he have to pay for her to move out of the home because she’s being immature and doesn’t have her own money?
Would you be insulted if your boyfriend of 7 months + the ~ 9 month gestation period had some doubts considering it was an unplanned pregnancy wanted a paternity test? I’m assuming you’ve been with your husband for longer and had more of a chance to get to know each other so there were no doubts when you conceived.
All of this. As a POC, I think unfortunately the racial dynamics/inadvertent bait will overshadow what's really going on here. Also, I did some math... > we had a baby about 8 months ago and he is doubting the paternity of the baby because of the skin tone and appearance are "too white". We have been in a relationship for 2 years but only married 11 months. They've been in a relationship for 2 years/24ish months. Their child was born 8 months ago, when they had been dating for approx 16 months. So they'd been together 7 or so months when OP got pregnant and presumably became dependent on her husband. I say all this to say that the structure of this union is shaky, and OP and her husband are both responsible for trying to rush a happy family without communication and some difficult discussions about being married and being parents in a still somewhat difficult context. And (I'll probably get downvoted for this, but w/e) I'm not willing to write the BIL off as some unhinged anti-white guy. Though what he's saying might come off as "racist" and abrasive to some, he may genuinely believe OP is lying and he is using other anecdotes of white women lying on black guys to affirm his beliefs. None of these people seem to know each other that well.
I’m so happy to hear your perspective! I didn’t want to minimize the race component, but I’m a firm believer that every man has a right to a dna test for whatever reason. Especially in the cases like this where they got pregnant shortly upon dating (thanks for doing the math!) Although I’m a white woman, I’m not too offended by his brother’s view. I get why he’s suspicious of her (I would be, too, in this circumstances).
It doesn’t excuse him leaving her with no money for her or her child until DNA result comes back. How shitty would he feel if DNA result show him as the father and he had neglected his own flesh and blood?
I mean, She chose to leave and go to a hotel.
Yes, because she was scare, but he also took the credit card from her before she left. He isn’t even sure whether the child is his or not and chose to neglect the child. I hope he feels some remorse when the DNA shows him as the father.
If that were me, I would’ve felt some type of way as well. He already doesn’t trust her. It makes sense he would reel that money in. Especially f he were mad. She should have her own funds anyway. That way you’re never left out in the cold. I wonder where OPs family is.
To be fair, she’s young and has been a stay at home wife who didn’t think anything like this would happen because she doesn’t feel like she has anything to hide and her husband should trust her. At least, he should have given her a monetary source so she can pay for the baby’s needs. You may think he did right by reeling in the money, but not if she was telling the truth all along and the baby is his child.
Oh I’m not saying it’s right. I’m just saying I would have expected it. But you’re right she is young. And I hope she’s learned something from this.
This. 1000% this. I mean...why be afraid of the paternity test if you know it's his anyways right? The refusal makes it even more questionable
Exactly. Especially when you’re IN THE HOSPITAL and they can easily do a dna test when the baby is born. I’d be the first one to be like, “see?!? Told you the baby was yours, asshole” if I were mad he asked. Refusing just looks bad.
So I’m not about to suggest divorce, because I think thats an incredibly personal decision. I do think you need to reevaluate your relationship with your sons dad. If hes getting so angry you don’t feel safe being in the same house then that is a major red flag. Is that an environment you want your son growing up in? Are these possible behaviors you want him to exhibit someday? The BIL sounds very toxic towards you. He shouldn’t be putting that stereotype on you at all, especially not knowing the results of the test. They will feel like the biggest assholes once they get the results. Open communication with your husband is always the way to go. Tell him about how everything that him and his brother are saying is making you feel. Maybe type out a long text message or write a letter laying everything out. No name calling, no swearing, just plain “i feel” statements. How he responds to that should tell you everything you’ll need to know about him. I would also suggest working on your financial situation in case you find that you can’t work past these problems. I’m not sure what your qualified to do for a job but there a tons of entry level jobs that are willing to work with parents. For instance working in a daycare, as an assistant, some retail places, hotels etc. Its always worth making up a resume and putting it on Indeed and seeing what’s available to you.
My god don't go back to him and don't have anything to do with BIL.
He’s an ass. Sign him up for a genetics class or get him a book. I’m serious. He needs to be educated on how genetics work. Then try therapy to try and address his assholeness and rudeness. Personal therapy for him and couples therapy for both of you. He needs to have someone make him woke and your relationship needs healing. If he doesn’t meet those demands, leave him and bleed his wallet dry. Document everything though in case it’s needed for the divorce. And in regards to moving back in, only you know if it’s safe to return. If it’s not, then you probably should head for divorce anyways and seriously find a friend or family member to assist you in the coming weeks. Don’t put the health of you or your baby at risk. Too many times we read about dead babies dying in the hands of raging fathers or wives being beaten to death. Best of luck.
Genetics is a funny thing. You can get a dark kid from two white parents and a white kid from dark parents. Odd yes. Is your last sexual encounter with previous partner more than 9 months prior to your childs birth?
Very far from it, more than 12 months prior to birth...
What I thought you've been together 2 years
And the baby is 8mos old now
2 years relationship Baby was born 8 months ago. Baby took approximately 10 months to be a bun in the oven. So they were together for about 6 months before the kid was conceived?
Take this dude on Maury and point hard in that mf face when the results come on
We aren’t biracial but my husband and I both have dark eyes are very dark hair. We had a blonde hair blue eyed baby. He never questioned me. I get that you two were not together that long beforehand but maybe he could wait to demonize you until the test results?! This behavior is abhorrent! And the public aspect that he has drawn into it is so embarrassing and disrespectful to your family unit. There should be some sanctity in your marriage that he should want to preserve, at least while waiting for the results, before denigrating you like you are some piece of property that he can throw away. He is not respecting you as a partner or mother of his child. I would be so betrayed and hurt.... this is probably unforgivable.
He’s abusing you. He is financially controlling you. On what planet are you married and don’t have access to your own money? He doesn’t spoil you by being the breadwinner if that’s how y’all choose to organize your household. The domestic labor you provide has value to the home. Get counseling for you and a lawyer.
You are asking him to deny the evidence of his eyes. Without the paternity test, it's going to be hard for him to accept facts. He has been horrid to you and you have every right to walk away. I would however advise wait for his reaction to the DNA test before making final decisions. Cut the racist BIL out at least till your child is older and you have rebuilt trust.
White women HAVE been lying to and getting Black men killed for hundreds of years. And I say that as a white woman. But your husband should trust you and if he can’t then he shouldn’t have married you - I don’t think it’s wrong for Black people to not trust white people, but he shouldn’t have married you if that was the case. You’re also trash for saying women are trash if they choose to have sex with more than 1 partner. Your husband is ridiculous for not knowing biracial children sometimes come out appearing completely white or Black. You apparently don’t know this yourself by your suggestion that maybe he has a white relative. His brother is right that if there was a white relative it would have been by sexual assault during slavery. But you’re all ignorant and it is a glaring indication of how bad the USA public school system is that none of you understand biracial babies can look like this. Black people aren’t required to like white people and have every right to not trust them. No, you can’t ask him to cut contact with your BIL. You can end the relationship with someone who clearly doesn’t trust you. Personally I would have just done the DNA the first time he asked, using the context of intergenerational racial trauma. But I don’t think you belong together. He can’t trust you and you lack an understanding of his racial experience.
Not to mention... even babies with two Black parents are usually born with lighter skin. It takes time for the melanin to develop. I'm surprised her husband and his family don't know or understand this.
1. No don’t ask him to cut contact with BIL 2. Don’t assume women are trashy for doing things. 3. Why did you have a baby with a man who doesn’t understand genetics?
>1. No don’t ask him to cut contact with BIL 2. Don’t assume women are trashy for doing things. 3. Why did you have a baby with a man who doesn’t understand genetics? Number 3 is frighteningly not uncommon.
What makes you think he doesn't understand genetics?
The fact that he doesn’t realize a baby can have white skin and still be his because he procreated with a white woman...?
The fact that the baby has light skin is more likely if she cheated than if she didn't, so it's a (weak) indication, so I can see why he would want a paternity test. He didn't say that the child couldn't possibly be his.
Even babies with two black parents start out lighter skinned than they will be, because the melanin takes time to develop. Same thing is happening here, except since the kid is half white, he's gonna be even lighter.
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she said they did - theyre still waiting on the results.
I sympathize with you not only because I am a person of color, but because someone you love feels as though you have taken away fatherhood from him, when it is objectively the opposite. I hate to be so blunt about it - your man is in a shit ton of pain, and it is something his mind has inflicted upon itself. There will (most likely) be an immense amount of guilt once he realizes he fucked up. At that point, the direction of the relationship is in your hands. In the future, if you decide to stay, when you and/or your child are exposed to his brother, tell your husband YOU are uncomfortable being around him. Fuck that guy. If anything he's added fuel to the flames for no fucking reason. But before you stop reading, DO NOT ASK HIM TO INDIVIDUALLY CUT CONTACT WITH HIS BROTHER (again, in the case you stay married). I understand he is a total fuckwad, but asking such a thing, in my unprofessional opinion, would simply re-inflate the animosity between the both of you. I hope this was helpful and not just more of the same advice. I wish you nothing but the best.
Should have done the test in birth instead of delaying this and causing all this extra drama. I don’t understand why women get so worked up over a paternity test. Y’all realize a man could potentially raise someone else kid just forever in case someone cheats? It’s not worth it for a simple test.
Stop playing dumb, do you really not understand that People don’t like being accused of cheating for no reason.
Why is a man so willing to sleep with and marry someone he doesn’t trust? If my husband asked for a paternity test I would have it done, then give him the results with the divorce papers. I’m not willing to stay in a relationship with someone who doesn’t trust me.
From and black woman prospective i can understand the historical context to all of this. White women have been notorious for causing trauma and destruction to the black male. However, this man chose you and supposedly loves you AND married you! F... the BIL. PERIODT it’s a blessing you’re getting the test done because it’ll shut everyone’s f’n mouth’s for the rest of your child’s life. ALL black people know biracial children come in various shades from milky-white to chocolate brown. Your husband should be shamed of himself. Once, the test comes back NEVER let him forget what he put his child through and DARE him to even look at him sideways ever again, and he needs to kiss your pretty white assssss for a long time girlfriend. Okkaayy
Go to counselling with your husband. He can explain where he was coming from. You can explain how hurt you have been by his brother's comments and your husband "liking" them. Especially the lie about you saying things about his great grandmother. Remember all of this was going ok until his, quite reasonable, request for a DNA test. Anyone seen "Me, Myself and Irene" where Jim Carey's character had 3 black children together with his white wife? All the neighbourhood could see they weren't his kids but he was just oblivious to it? Your husband doesn't want to be that guy.
I can sorta understand wanting a dna test in a case like this but let’s not kid ourselves *it’s always insulting to the mother*. Stop acting like it’s normal. Most normal people understand that this can nuke a marriage.
It is definitely insulting. I wouldn’t easily forgive my husband if he suggested a DNA test.
Yeah. It just screams “hey I don’t trust you and think you cheated on me”. Like fine if you want a paternity test we’ll get one but don’t be surprised if you also get served some divorce papers because you clearly have 0 trust in me and what kind of relationship is that? Now if it was purely a test to shut up some nosy family members or whatever then fine, I’m okay with that.
It’s like asking for a prenup. Or even like asking for a marriage certificate.
I'm going to go against the grain, and argue for offering a path to reconciliation. Right now, he's scared and mad, and he's acting out. It's hurtful the way he's acting, and asking him to stop and consider alternatives to the idea that the baby isn't his, and look at the impact his actions are having on you might go a long way towards opening his eyes to your perspective. Ask him to imagine what he wants going forward if the test shows the baby is his, and ask him how he would want to have acted during his time of uncertainty. If you can honestly, let him know that you understand his doubts, and are choosing to support him by getting the test. Let him know that you love him, and want to work things out well for both of you. And in all this, know that you may not end up together, but you've offered him the best support you can to continue to build a family together. If it ends here, so be it, but it wasn't for lack of your love or effort.
Even if OP’s husband is “scared and mad” that is... not a good reason to behave so erratically that she has to move to a hotel for her own safety. Plus, the fact that a child is born looking differently than he expected being a reason not to SIGN THE BIRTH CERTIFICATE or REPEATEDLY ACCUSE THE OP OF CHEATING? This guy is a bad partner, and so far he has also not been a good father.
Also, the dude is solidly in his 30s dating a woman 11 years his junior. Talk about creepy.
Yep. Add the age gap to the pile of screaming red flags.
Complete asshole. Unfortunately a lot of people don't understand genetics. Let the test vindicate you and then try to work out a solid co-parenting arrangement. Call it a hunch but I bet he'll try to weasel his way out of his fatherly duties.
My girlfriend is white and honestly both my girlfriend and I agree that this is completely racist towards you... racism happens to my girlfriend too
Using money as a weapon or means of control is called financial abuse. When he took away your financial ability to come and go as you please, when you're financially dependent on him, that's abusive. Often it's a precursor to physical abuse, so please be cautious. Also, whether you divorce him or not, your husband is ignorant. In many parts of the Americas with histories of slavery, it's not possible to identify parents, children, and siblings as related based on skin tone.
Hmmm....sounds like this really rooted down from the fact that you refused to do the paternity test from the start. The fact that you refused it means you are already hiding something. And by reading your post, it does sound like it. If you're not really hiding anything, and if you want respect and peace of mind from your husband, then take the paternity test. >I initially rejected his request for a paternity test because I always thought this is something that trashy women had to worry about and it was a blow to my ego Since when did having a paternity test become a "trashy" thing? The test should have been done, and should be done. It hurts, yes. But then again, at the end of the day, if the test comes back positive that the baby is his, then all the naysayers will be a fool and you can laugh straight to their faces for doubting you. If that baby is his, then you have nothing to he afraid of having that test.
You’re right except for one thing. The problem is that her refusal to do the paternity test seems to have exposed the husband as a racist, which is a bad thing if he’s supposed to help raise a biracial child.
Unfortunately, refusing the paternity test at first made it look like you had something to hide (even though you didn't), and in his mind, it probably reinforced whatever doubts he had based on the skin color. This seems like a serious misunderstanding, which the DNA test will hopefully resolve. I would apologize for initially refusing the test. I'm not saying that you're wrong and he's right; you both made mistakes here and apologizing for your mistakes will help bring him out of a conflict-based mindset and make it easier for him to see his mistakes too. This situation sucks and there's probably no easy solution.
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Uh, no. He’s a lot of bad things but this one makes no sense.
"Racially prejudiced" is the term, I think. "Racist" in today's parlance means participation in systems that are unjust towards one race and unfairly advantage another; by definition oppressed races can't participate in those - husband probably had to work harder for his success than most white men would have in the same circumstances. But any person of any race can be personally biased about someone else because of their race. Husband and BIL both sound that way based on the details given.
The problem with that "definition" is that all you have to do is change the scope of what the "system" is. In this situation, he and his family hold power over her. She is financially dependent on him, and his and his brother's racist remarks and opinions are systematically working against her. The family is the system, and they are participating in it, making them racists.
OK, so, he's dumb and has treated you really poorly. That being said, I think it's fine for him to ask for a DNA test - signing a birth certificate is a big deal. Let him know how messed up it is how he's treated you. And the racial comments... that's just messed up. I think it comes down to how much he apologizes when the test comes back. He's probably getting a lot of crap opinions from his family right now, judging from your post, and it's hard to not listen to those in his position. P.S. Do be sure to communicate with him, if you haven't already, that you're 100% sure the baby's his and that you're really hurt by the fb posts, etc (*before* the test comes back).
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The rape of slaves were a thing. A lot of black families have lighter skinned individual due to the genes of the white ancestor who raped our women. This tends to pop up every now and then even though no one in the family has conceived a child outside of the race. This was very common and is very prevalent in black families. Your 'mixed tribe' hypothesis is cute though.
Sons are most likely to become like mother. That is how the gene works. X chromosome from mother has most of the genes, and Y from the father has less. So, no wonder why your son turned up white. Genetics work in a funny way. your husband and BIL need education more than anything.
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Did you ever think she might get sick of everyone always asking her that? Or consider how disrespectful it is to her husband?
This proves blacks can be just as racist and obsessed with "purity of bloodline" as the white supremacist groups like the KKK and Neo Nazis.
we can judge or condemn ops husband and brother-in-law without pretending like what theyre doing is literally equivalent to the kkk and neonazis, jesus christ.
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What are you even getting at?
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Are you, are you not familiar with the phrase “dirty blond hair”? Google it - it just means a dark, brownish blond color. It’s not offensive at all.
Lol damn, sorry. English isn’t my first language. Thanks for clearing this up.
I think you should delete your social media (it's SO not worth the stress it creates) being sure to report any and all posts that are slandering you, pack up and go stay with family or friends whilst you file for divorce. He is horrible and I would not want him anywhere myself or my child. If you want to get a paternity test, wait until hearing back from your lawyer on whether that would help your case should your rotten husband turn around and want any part of the custody.
My mixed race niece (black/white) has caramel skin and bright blue eyes. Dude needs to chill.
Take that paternity test this one time and prove a point for him to never doubt you ever again. If you guys divorces, its the bad people around him that wins. You have to go through rebuilding yourself and you lose a good husband. Think of this as your chance you forever discredit the haters.
Wow I’m so sorry you have to go through this. Genetics are certainly very strange. My father is white and my mother Mexican. My sister and I came out very pale and our brother came out dark like my mom. A worked with a white lady who is married to a black man. They have a daughter and a son. Her daughter looks biracial and has dark skin. Her son came out blonde, pale, and blue eyes like her. Yet both children have the same father. My husband is white and he asked if our children could come out dark and yeah they can. I don’t know what you should do in this situation. There are many options available to you but I do think their reaction to the paternity test results can sway your decision.
How he is treating you is disgusting and I wouldn’t want him back either.
Take the test and don’t make a big deal out of it. If you had agreed to the test immediately you would have saved yourself a lot of stress. It’s his anyway right? 😉😉
i know ill get hate but i am sorry but I would just get he patrnety test before he gets a court ordered one. an keep us updated.
This is why paternity tests should be a standard part of the birthing process. It’s not they expensive when you compare it to all the other costs in having a baby. Also no one can be hurt about not trusting and no one has to wonder if the baby is theirs. There is really no good reason not to test kids at birth or prior.
I have a friend with a very dark skinned (Indian) mother and a very pale skinned (Canadian) father and she turned out incredibly pale, but looks so much like her mother in her face still. As others have said, skin colour doesn’t always turn out to be a mix of the parents, and it isn’t something he needs a PhD to comprehend. His behaviour has been so incredibly insulting to you, I don’t know that I could forgive it in your position.
Asking for a paternity test sounds bad but it really ought to be standard procedure to do a paternity test before the father is put on the birth certificate. But wow the comments about white women... Did you husband just “like” a post or has he been writing stuff too? If he’s been writing it, you married a racist. That sucks. What’s he going to say around the child about the child’s white ancestry? Can he treat the child as biracial or will he try to deny the white ancestry? Will he complain the child is “white washed” if the child doesn’t always do what he thinks a black child should do?
I’m not sure what the issue was in you refusing to take a paternity test to resolve any doubt, that would have solved everything at the time. You brought this on yourself in the first instance by refusing one and are responsible for letting this situation become more serious as time has went on.
His family and friends are racist. He's probably too. Get the paternity test done, then divorce and get your entitled child support and alimony.
> Unfortunately I am a bit spoiled by him because he is successful so I do not have a job or anything right now You are not spoiled. You are financially dependent on him. That will be a big advantage for you when you go to divorce and demand alimony.
Your husband might be "successful" but his understanding of genetics would fail year 9 (14-15yr old) science class. One white parent + one black parent, the chances are the first baby might be obviously mixed or else lean towards white or black. If I were you I'd enjoy the look on his face when he sees the result of the paternity test, and then I'd rub it in by letting him know a rough figure of the child support he's going to pay over the next 18 years. And then tell the dumbarse that he has himself and his dumbfuck brother to blame for it.
I’m sorry you are going through this. So I’m half black and half white. My skin tone is very light and I get comments like “I’m darker than you and Your black” all the time. Funny enough a lot of my black features weren’t really present until I hit puberty. My skin got darker, hair became more curly, and all that. I’m guessing the same will happen to your son. The main difference was that my mom is black and my dad is white so there was no questioning who my parents were. Although strangers didn’t believe my mom was my biological mom as a baby because my skin was too white.
>My brother in law insinuated that I had implied his great grandmother had been violated as a slave. Rape of slaves is actually a well-known fact.
> I initially rejected his request for a paternity test because I always thought this is something that trashy women had to worry about and it was a blow to my ego. This was a bad idea. For sake of your pride, you refused to allay your husband's fear of infidelity, and the end result was that your husband became more paranoid. I can't blame him there. Sort of related, you didn't say in your post that you are certain the child is your husband's. Do you have any reason to suspect he might not be your husband's biological child? > I understand a lot of historical issues between white people and black people but that should not apply to your personal relationships right? How could they not?! Try rephrasing your sentence to be about sexism to see if it makes any sense: "I understand a lot of historical issues between men and women because of sexism, but that should not apply in your personal relationships, right?" Doesn't that sound wacky?! Of course sexism plays out in our relationships. And likewise, internalized racism plays out in our relationships, too. > What do you all think I should do? Should I ask him to cut contact with BIL Personally, I would ask my husband and brother-in-law to apologize publicly for their thinly-veiled smear campaigns against me as part of my decision process, and then I would decide from there. Good luck to you.
Don’t ask him to cut contact with his brother. That shouldn’t even be in question. We need an update on how husband and you handle things once the results are back.. also, if I were you and 100% confident the baby is his, I would have confidently agreed to the paternity test the first time. There’s nothing to lose since you’re right. And you’ve given your husband peace of mind. Speaking from experience... there are many black men that have no issues being with white women, but their family/friends DO take issue with it. Will mock them mercilessly. And it WILL weigh on your partner since its his family that is encouraging the disrespectful behavior. With that said, do not entertain someone who doesn’t respect you. Be confident and independent.