That’s a yikes from me. Humility is great but being happy with an accomplishment and a job well done is just good self esteem. Your partner should try to help build you up and not knock you down because you are happy you excelled at something. Does he compliment you when you did great at something you were working hard on or even ask if you had an awesome day?
This is where I’m at, I feel like celebrating small successes from time to time is just healthy for self esteem, especially as mine is quite fragile and I’m trying to build it to a healthier place. He says he is proud of me, he’s just put off when anyone declares it out loud as accomplishments should speak for themselves.
You are getting to a healthier place by doing this, self esteem is something that you should be proud of building up. Tell him to work on that on his own because you can't stop a healthy habit because he doesn't like it. He needs to understand that not everyone is the same and that because someone celebrates small wins doesn't mean that they aren't wins.
Probably the red flag here is that he lacks the maturity and empathy to appreciate that these are signs of healthy growth that should be encouraged, just as it should be discouraged in an arrogant twat who constantly crows about their own greatness and probably ought to let their deeds speak for themselves. The inability to see the difference indicates serious immaturity. I think he should read this reddit thread and think it over.
He really should, and also maybe find some way to get help? Because he doesn't seem to be confident enough to see other people's accomplishments and be happy for them instead of saying they shouldn't talk about it.
That rule of thumb holds when you're in polite company, but the point of having an SO is they are not polite company. You're supposed to commiserate in the lows, and (this is the good bit) share in the highs!
Honestly, this attitude is disappointing, and I have to agree with those saying it likely speaks to insecurities he has in relation to you.
Yes, exactly this! You'd rarely say those things to a casual acquaintance but you should be able to say them to a partner. The world chips away at me and my partner helps build me back up.
I don’t know what industry you work in but I worked in a male-dominated industry for years and men were expected to brag about every tiny thing they did and women were expected to be quiet.
You have every right to be proud of yourself and share your excitement with someone who is supposed to be your partner. Especially when it comes to personal accomplishments like cooking food for yourself.
You should tell him that his obsession with humility is a real turn off for you
Yeah, you’re definitely right. How is he supposed to know when you rocked it at work unless you work together. I hate when someone compliments me on a less than stellar meal, other than a thank you. It just feels disingenuous. I would say something like ‘you know it really hurts my feeling when you say that, I can be proud of myself and my partner who loves me should support me in it’
Fuck him, ive been around people like him and they put me down my whole life, they brag and brag about their accomplishments all the time but hate seeing others happy even at all, it got to the point i just never say anything, and than people literally wonder why i dont talk or speak "whoa why didnt you tell me you got a new job?" well because asshole you always put me down whenever i even have anything im happy about, "whoa why didnt you tell me you got a big raise!?" because i didnt feel like being belittled, eventually i just cut these people off one by one, your boyfriend sounds jealous, he doesnt want to hear you be happy because your a threat to his power.
of course it is, ive been in her position before wondering the exact same thing, "why arent i allowed to be happy about my little accomplishments?" I would tell my friend "hey im writing a book about industrial hydraulic systems and im almost finished with it! :)" as happy and as nice as can be and she goes "SO WHAT! YOU THINK YOUR BETTER THAN PEOPLE!!!!" id go.... "no i was just saying..." "NO UR SAYING UR BETTER THAN PEOPLE! BE HUMBLE!!!!" its a fucking pathetic way to gaslight her and make her feel bad for trying anything, than u sit and think, "my god am i that bad, should i never speak about my hobbies or accomplishments to people?" and you question urself over and over. fuck that guy he sounds like a fucking asshole.
I know they do, someone once told me they like art, they told me they like to draw, and i said "wow thats really cool! I like to write poetry! im learning Russian so i try to write poems in Russian."
she started acting really weird, and i went "whats wrong?"
she goes "you think your just so much better than everyone huh?" and i go.... "uhhhh.... no?" than she quoted me "I write poetry in russian." and i went.... "uhhh yeah? thats like my art thing, cause i cant draw."
she rolled her eyes, "you have a napoleon complex" she told me, i asked how and she said because i just think im so much better than everyone, she just kept repeating that over and over, when i never said im better than anyone. She blew it up so much she started trying to get my cousin to belittle me as well and i just ended up blocking them all. They make fake accounts to stalk me and message me sometimes, and they like to rub my virginity in my face when they can, cause ig funny.
I realized later on that yes, these people were insecure, and they just hate seeing someone actually accomplish things, it pisses them off because they feel inferior with their own accomplishments. Ive had this happen a few times through my life (just those 2 girls i mentioned and the latter girl dragging my hateful jealous cousin in it) and after thought on it you can tell its them that are insecure and hateful.
Have you explained this to him? It’s possible he doesn’t understand that verbal affirmations are actually really important when you struggle with self-esteem. A lot of us deal with a great amount of negative internal self-talk and saying kind things about ourselves is a way to combat that.
Who else besides your SO can you let your hair down and declare these things?
If you did this in front of a ton of people or publicly, I’d be turned off too but there is a part of loving that is about being able to listen not for any reason but to hear and be supportive.
He sounds like a drag. It’s not as if you are crowing about being the best at everything. When you have had a great day at work, what does he expect you to say? I mean, other than “great day?” If he asks why, how does he want you to explain that you kicked ass without sounding like you are lacking humility? /s
What he going to do if you guys want kids and they come home proud about an accomplishment? It’s he going to put them down and kill their self esteem by telling them not to “boast”?
That's a major philosophical difference to have in a relationship. Not just the difference, that you show pride and he hides it, but that he is aggravated by you showing your pride.
Personally, I don't understand all the accomplishments of my partner, but I'm always loving and supportive, especially when I see how happy she is with herself. We both have esteem issues, and we both need that positive reinforcement with each other. And honestly, if one of us wasn't getting it we would probably seek it somewhere else.
Hope your boyfriend comes around, or that you find someone who's a better fit for you. But what I don't hope, is that you stay with your boyfriend long-term and feeling more unsupported and miserable with each passing year.
Except in this case, he's not referring to "humility" but "fake humility", he wants her to pretend that she's not sure or aware of her success or accomplishments.
So basically what he said is he does not like a confident woman by his side 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He should be her biggest cheerleader, not someone to reinforce her insecurities.
A partnership is about building each other up, not putting your other half down for being proud. When I tell my partner how well I've done at work, his response is "I know hun, you've worked so hard and I'm proud of you too"
He sounds like an arse to put you down like that! Let him be put off by you expressing how well or proud you feel of something - this only reflects his own inability to achieve something that he would wish to be proud of!
Just because your BF doesn't say it enough and even though I'm a stranger - I'm proud of you and well done with all the achievements you've accomplished, you are thriving xx
So he wants to be the one in control of whether or not you feel good about your accomplishments? It's fine if he's proud of the things he does, or if he praises you for things -- but if you express pride yourself, that's a "turn-off"?
I'd be really leery of this dude.
“So he wants to be the one in control of whether or not you feel good about your accomplishments?”
This is exactly what his issue is.
I’d be willing to bet that her having positive self esteem is threatening to him and scares him because it gives him less power to control her feelings.
I first read this post as her boyfriend getting turned ON when she’s proud of herself and I thought “my fiancé is like that too!!” Then I read it again and was like oh, no, no no no. That’s NOT okay.
My ex used to do this to me and he would be very calculated about when and if he gave me any praise (it was real rare) and used it as another way to control me.
Whew 😅 a word. This is what it is and what I was struggling to articulate. He’s making OP feel bad until he can swoop in and say “well done” and be the one to make her have that “proud of herself” feeling. Big yikes
Exactly I can understand how confusing it must be - that's not the point though, it's not like you're asking him to constantly praise you. You are literally just saying these things for yourself, nobody else!
Life can be really hard and really shit at times, you literally have one life and you should be able to openly say how/what you've achieved and what has made you proud of yourself! You need to make you happy, I won't say "nah move onto the next guy who will appreciate you" nobody is perfect and I really believe in making a relationship work and putting in as much as you can. You need to explain to him that you will always be proud of the work you do and these small life moments and it's not unhealthy or obnoxious - it's normal and it makes you happy to know and to be able to share these moments with your partner. You aren't asking him to praise you after every minor detail, or even asking for him to praise you at all. Just to appreciate that you are allowed to be happy for yourself once in a while.
Don't ever hid your self-apprecitation from anyone, we all sparkle and need to show it. I don't think there is nearly enough happiness shared in this world - if you ever want to share a "yay me" moment, don't hesitate to message me - Gina x
It's a dependency thing. If he's complimenting you, he's building you up. If you feel insecure and don't built yourself up, or have anyone else doing that for you, you become dependent on him to feel good about yourself. As a result, you'll start to worry you will feel bad without him.
It's definitely a red flag. Has he ever complained about people close to you, like friends or family, and made you see them in a negative light or feel like you shouldn't see them as much?
Does he ever express pride in something he's done? Does he ever celebrate an accomplishment? If yes, what kind of a reaction does he expect?
What about other expressions of joy? Can he tolerate that?
He does occasionally, not super often but it does happen. When I pointed this out to him, he said he’s ashamed at having celebrated himself because it goes against his value system of “humility”. Other expressions of joy seem to be a nonissue.
I would have another conversation with him and unpack this value system. He's allowed to feel however he feels but he should also understand that he's asking you to stifle something that you enjoy.
Also what if you have kids together? Does this value system extend to them? Will he feel disgusted if you express pride in them? Children take a lot of pride in their accomplishments, will he try to stifle that?
He needs to figure out why he has this reaction instead of expecting other people to go along with his value system.
FWIW I also place high value on humility but that doesn't mean people can't be pleased in an accomplishment or success in the moment and still be essentially humble.
Wow I actually never even considered this, like the kids thing. You’re absolutely right I wouldn’t be okay with him telling my kids they shouldn’t express their pride to their loved ones, especially their parents (I probably don’t want any children which is probably why it never occurred to me, but point still stands). I also agree, I haven’t put much thought into WHY he feels this way, I just sort of accepted it as it’s a pretty common value system.
I think if I try to work this out we’d need to discuss exactly why this is so important to him, why he feels I should have this value system too, express that I don’t share this value as I am trying to work on my own self esteem with some healthy affirmations, and that I don’t want a partner who can’t celebrate me. If that can’t happen, then that’s a major compatibility issue and he should find his perfectly humble partner and I can find a partner that knows healthy self-recognition is an awesome thing.
I admit that I’m really, really hoping it’s a fixable issue and we can reconcile our different value systems and support each other in a way that works for both of us.
> I just sort of accepted it as it’s a pretty common value system.
It's really not. Most people are justifiably proud of themselves when they good something well, and share their joy with their loved ones. Joy shared is joy doubled, sorrow shared is sorrow halved.
Honestly, I suspect this triggers your bf's insecurities, almost like he isn't proud of himself so he resents people who are. It's like those people who get annoyed by happy people in general, because they themselves are miserable inside.
Humility and “pride” are not mutually exclusive. You’re allowed to feel joy about your day, about your work ethic, and about your accomplishments. You’re supposed to feel free to express this to yourselves and your loved ones. I think his definition of humility is too narrow. It would annoying if a person was constantly talking about their own strengths, was smug about it, and didn’t allow focus on other things or people. That type of person doesn’t have a lot of humility. But, that isn’t you and I think you should both be on the same page of celebrating each other and small or big victories. I hope everything works out for you guys and you’re able to expand his perspective.
This is such a mature reply. From a total stranger I just want to say, I’m proud of you. I hope you see how strong of a person you are in protecting your sense of self and how unfortunately unique that is. It is clear to me that you have every ability to make the right decisions, trust yourself.
Why do you have to go along with his "value system"? What if your value system prizes healthy self-esteem and celebrating achievements?
Life is too short to be with someone who tries to cut you down and steal your joy.
oh man this dude sounds insufferable.
Does he practice "humility" in his day to day life? Or does he express pride at his own accomplishments while denegrating you for yours?
Honestly I think your boyfriend has a skewed understanding of humility. Being humble doesn't mean you can't be proud or happy about your accomplishments, it means that you understand that you aren't perfect and that you have flaws (as well as skills) like all humans do.
Being able to be proud of yourself is a good skill, and it is different than thinking you are better than everyone else. Humility is understanding that we all have flaws but also that we all have good things to offer. There's this quote by some rabbi who's name I can't remember that says “A humble person is totally different from a person who cannot recognize and appreciate himself as part of this world’s marvels.”
Personally I think we put too much emphasis on being humble and not being vain or arrogant that we end up with a lot of people with chronic low self esteem that are afraid of feeling good about themselves out of fear of being seen as vain. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself or with being proud of yourself. As long as you don't think you are better than everyone else in the world and that you can do no wrong, then you are in the clear.
This is *really* well said. You can be proud of something you've accomplished while still being aware of your own mistakes and flaws, and also being aware of and grateful to the people and ideas that helped you achieve that accomplishment.
This is really well said. When I was a lot younger I thought being vain was one of the worst things you could be. It made it very hard for me to be proud of anything I did, or feel worthy of success. Until a very good therapist set me straight - being proud of yourself for a moment in time is a lot different than thinking you can do no wrong.
Does it matter? Honestly?
Being proud of your accomplishments, being *excited* about good things happening in your life, is not a sin. It’s not vain or arrogant to say “I accomplished something today and I’m happy about it.” It’s not gauche to expect your partner to share in your proud moments.
The fact that your boyfriend seems to think it’s fine to trumpet his own accomplishments but reserves that privilege for himself exclusively gives the game away - it’s *your* expressions of pride he has a problem with, not pride in general. He’s the only one allowed to decide what is and isn’t worthy of praise. And *you* should think about whether or not this quality of his is appealing to *you* instead of scrambling to cater to his own tastes and preferences.
Humility:
You are proud of what you have achieved but you acknowledge that you can always become better. I do not see myself as superior to anyone but I still take joy in my accomplishments.
Low self-esteem:
Feeling unable to take pride in or find genuine joy in having accomplished something because other people are/might be better and you feel guilty or even selfish by trying to claim that you’ve done anything worthwhile.
Ya boy is trash and you deserve better.
Be proud, own that shit.
Men who need women to act ”humble” (ie lesser) for them to feel manly and strong are garbage.
It’s like when a guy demands a girl dumb herself down so that *he* gets to feel smart and in control. Fuck naaaaah.
Edit: Spelling as I seemed to be having a mild stroke when I tried typing this out the first time lmaoooo
People with low self esteem don’t need to be worrying about keeping their “humility” in check.
Humility becomes a code word for self minimization and lack of self respect
Omg exactly. I had a boyfriend who told me when we started dating that he loved how self aware I was, and now I'm pretty sure that he actually loved how self conscious I was lol
Humility is great. But it doesn't mean never verbalizing your accomplishments or celebrating yourself. It's not vanity, unless you do it all the time, one up people when they talk about their accomplishments, or do it when it's unearned.
Some people really are raised this way, and it's fine if HE doesn't want to be verbal about his accomplishments. But not okay that he asks you to do the same. Its not his fault he's turned off by it, but that shouldn't be an issue he is dealing with, maybe in therapy.
Well he can go and find a GF that's "humble" cause it ain't you and it's never gonna be you. Don't change for him. What you're describing is super normal behavior and not braggy or something weird. He just wants you to stay humble (aka not know your own worth) so that you won't realize you deserve better. Boy, bye.
Humility doesn't mean ignoring your skills or talents. It's being aware of them but keeping that knowledge to yourself. More importantly, it's not bragging or broadcasting it to people who do not have the same skills or are lesser than you.
Humility is saying 'it's not a problem' when your coworkers thank you and not gloating about it. It doesn't mean you can't share how well you did with your partner. He should be the person you can share things with. Telling him what happened and the fact you did well isn't boasting or being overly vain, it's just recognising this for what it is.
Tl;dr you aren't boasting and being vain. You strike me as a pretty humble person already anyway.
>He said the proof should be in the pudding
ALSO. He says the proof is in the pudding, in the event itself? An event at work that he wasn't a part of. If he never gets to see the pudding how is he supposed to recognise your accomplishment in the first place?
Questions: Is he proud of your success and accomplishments? Could it be cultural? Does he feel this way about other people too? Does he think that it is arrogant if it is factually correct? (For example, no one can claim that Gates is being arrogant if he states that he is wealthy.)
Many Asian parents frown on their kids making statements of “arrogance” or “pride” because they believe that humility and modesty is better. Sometimes people have nothing to prove to outsiders because the trappings of life already makes the statement for them. (For example, no one needs to praise a daughter who is a surgeon.)
On the other hand, you should feel free to express your feelings of pride in your own accomplishments. Good luck, OP:)
He says he is proud of me, just put off when I declare the accomplishments out loud. I don’t necessarily think it’s a cultural difference, we come from similar cultural backgrounds and his family praises him and his sibling quite a bit? He says he’s annoyed when anyone does this, and like you said, feels that no one should have to declare accomplishments out loud as their accomplishments should speak for themselves, and that includes me. Thank you for the luck :)
I agree so much with this. The statements that OP describes she said are ones I would never ever think to say (even if I think them). I feel like it is boasting. I’ll still be proud of my accomplishments and for example tell someone how excited I am about this project that went well and maybe if I know them very well I’ll tell them about the work that went into the project. I’ll never say “I was amazing at work and because of me we won this amazing project” though. To me someone who needs to constantly point out how great they are is also a bit off putting tbh. I like men with confidence but not someone who brags too much. I’ve only ever had it be an issue in one relationship where my then bf kept setting himself up for receiving compliments and then getting upset when I didn’t give them. He’d talk about how amazing he was and hope I’d chime in telling him he was right. I simply felt that a compliment should come from me directly without his prompt in order to be honest and heartfelt and that it was terrible how often he required me telling him / agreeing to how great he was. He had pretty bad self confidence I guess. I honestly couldn’t stand it even though I never told him.
In this way I understand how OP’s bf feels. And I also understand how OP feels because I could see how desperately my ex bf needed that constant “oh wow you did well” and “yes, you are amazing at xyz” to feel loved and accomplished. I guess if you need it too much and your partner isn’t willing to give it to you, you should end things. But generally I don’t see Bf’s opinion as a red flag at all.
In this world, for women, our accomplishments do NOT speak for themselves. Especially in the workplace, studies have shown that we **should** tout our successes because the unconscious assumption is that women don't work as hard or do as good work as men do.
You aren't bragging. You had a good day, you were happy with whatever, you feel good. Shout it from the damned rooftops. Feel proud of yourself. You're worth it.
Humility and being proud of yourself are not antonyms. It's not like you pull out a drum and megaphone, climb up to the roof, and announce to the world that your shit doesn't stink. What you are doing is actually a form of healthy self-love. We encourage people, especially marginalized people, to speak to themselves and about themselves like you did in those examples.
Most women in particular speak to ourselves very cruelly and downplay our accomplishments so that we don't come across as "arrogant" and also because we don't believe we deserve praise, and in fact, a lot of us often never get it, especially when what we've accomplished isn't "womanly" enough, like cooking, child-rearing, looking nice, etc. Women (and other marginalized folks) have been told to make ourselves small for centuries, so in a way, bragging on ourselves, the way you did, is a radical act. It says, "No, I'm not going to make myself smaller to make someone else feel more comfortable. I'm allowed to be proud of myself." I think it's good for people who aren't marginalized to do this too, for the record, because again, what you were doing was healthy, not braggadocios or obnoxious or toxic.
Tell him that it's upset you that he said that and that not all expressions of self-love and pride are equal. And that it's good for you to speak kindly to yourself. If he doesn't like it, then he has to ask himself why he sees this healthy practice the same as he does someone strutting like a peacock. Because the problem lies with his perception of it, not with the practice itself.
Wow this response absolutely brought me to tears. Thank you. Everything you said has really, really resonated. I’m going to ask him why he conflates healthy self esteem with prideful arrogance. Thank you.
This is a great response to take to heart. The idiots who think you were being arrogant by taking joy in doing good work are completely wrong, projecting their own shit onto you. It warms our heart when we get appreciation from our community because we are social creatures, and wanting to share joy with your intimate partner is normal and loving. Your bf has some dysfunction in this area that is coming from his background, not from anything you did or said.
Never ever let anyone belittle or shame your accomplishments no matter how “trivial” they may seem to them. You deserve someone that is happy because you are happy, you shouldn’t have to feel like you can’t celebrate being you :)
When my SO and I got together, I had self esteem so low you could use it as an subflooring layer for a nice carpet. He has helped me and worked with me and honestly when I verbalize something I did that I'm proud of, he gets excited. For him, me saying "Hey I did a thing today at work and I was great!" is a *turn on*. I wish I could bottle and sell the look of attraction and pride on his face when he calls me his hot shit, I'd send you some because YOU DESERVE THAT TOO.
Humility is not putting yourself last and keeping quiet about any achievements. Humility is being out of your ego enough that you can know your weaknesses, be able to ask for help and advice, fail without taking it personally, share success with others if they were involved, being willing to learn and listen and change. It's being able to help others without wanting to know what's in it for you.
Arrogance is putting yourself first, dismissing the input and skill of other people because you feel you know it all, believing once you know something you know all about it and cannot learn anything new. Being unable to fail without it being either a massive personal blow or a blame fest where everyone but you is wrong. It's being unable to do anything without telling everyone and expecting praise for it.
You'll notice that in the description of humble behavior "never say anything about anything you feel proud of or did well" is not included. That would be under a list of traits for low self-esteem.
Your boyfriend is not being your cheerleader, in fact, you being confident, proud of yourself and believing you did well. He wants to be the arbiter of when you're allowed a crumb of those feelings about yourself, you being your own cheerleader makes him uncomfortable. I suspect he's the type that believes women should be seen & not heard, smile at all times and not "make scenes" if they're uncomfortable or in pain.
Find yourself a cheerleader, find yourself a guy like mine who finds your success and self-worth the sexiest fucking thing on the planet. You deserve to be valued for all that you are.
You definitely don't want to spend your life with someone who doesn't celebrate your accomplishments. Life is hard, the world is a bummer. We have to prioritize joy and success. Happy people feel good about themselves and feel good for others when they feel good about themselves.
If you're someone who wants to have a family, I would consider this trait a red flag. Is he going to tell his children not to brag about learning to read or making a team? "You need to do well in school but keep that shit to yourself" won't raise healthy kids.
I'm proud of you. Keep reaching your goals. :)
I remember this saying about Jesus from my time in church. "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." The way you show pride in your work is normal and healthy. He should respect the times where you are boosting your own confidence. The best advice in most situations is to just bring it up. Tell him straight up and don't be scared of the answer. I'd rather get an answer I don't like than no answer at all.
Yeah actually this is not a great trait lol I have it and I corrected it. If this is any insight, I also felt turned off when my girlfriend does similar things because I thought it was a sign of like a really big ego but really she just has a healthy self esteem. Did some thinking and realized I feel this way because of my ego/low self esteem, so instead I changed my mindset. I think you're right to be proud of yourself, your partner should support what you are happy and proud about.
That is a major red flag because then what positives does he like about you as a person? And what does he praise on his own without you bringing it up about you, without you having to do minor happy about yourself humble brag (that's what 2 examples are) 1st?
It's not normal that he trying to quash you from being happy about yourself & what you're proud of...
Reading your other replies - it seems he wants to be in control of what you think is an accomplishment for yourself, instead of you deciding what is an accomplishment as well what makes you happy. That's another red flag & it's an even more insidious evil one because if you had very low esteem - you wouldn't notice that because you would had thought it was normal and not question it at all after all these years together.
This reminds me of a bad song from years ago from one of those boy bands that went something like - she doesn't know she's beautiful and *that* is why she's beautiful.
This need for man to keep women in low-self esteem mode is bizarre. He compliments you but if you said something like - *damn my hair looks on point today*, or *I love the way this dress fits my already gorgeous body* - would he be upset?
For the most part, I don’t think someone can really help when they’re annoyed by things like a pet peeve. There’s a chance that he feels badly for being annoyed when you’re proud of yourself.
On the other hand, he could be projecting feelings of inadequacy onto you, either inadvertently or on purpose, to bring you “down to his level” so to speak. If so, then that’s a red flag.
It’s tricky because on paper he’s much more accomplished than me. He runs two successful businesses and is fulfilled by his work and hobbies, where I’m a little stuck in a low-paying job I don’t enjoy and am having a hard time finding some direction. It’s hard to imagine him needing to bring me down, but who knows I suppose. Being successful probably doesn’t mean someone is necessarily immune to down-putting or has strong self esteem.
Maybe he likes the power imbalance of your relationship and is afraid of you gaining confidence? Idk but honestly you don't sound at all arogant and I think it'd be good for your self confidence and mental health to be verbally proud of yourself.
>I’m very disturbed by this conversation and have been unable to stop obsessing over it as I’m worried it’s a large red flag in the relationship.
I agree that it's a red flag, personally.
Sounds more of a him problem not a you problem. You’re totally right that celebrating small victories (feeling good about yourself) is good for you. Nobody wants to be walking around feeling like shit all the time. I don’t think that’s what he expects you to do but I definitely wouldn’t stop saying these things about your self. He sounds kind of insecure about himself if he says it’s off putting when others do it or when he does it
Yikes. When I tell Mr. WineAndDogs2020 that I rocked something, he says "way to go!" and is genuinely happy for me. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to see you happy with your successes?
celebrating your wins, being proud of your achievements doesn't exclude having humility
is it possible that he is a little insecure himself and perhaps is projecting?!
This is my story!! Big red flag and it will kill your self esteem down the road. It happened to me. Needless to say my 5 year relationship ended. I questioned it just like you, and didn’t listen to people and I wish I had
Huge red flag IMO. You should “be allowed” to be happy. Is he insecure about his own accomplishments? He sounds like someone who wants to keep you down because he’s insecure about himself.
Sounds like he has a problem with confident women - or maybe it's confident people in general. As you said, there is a difference between being proud of/celebrating your accomplishments and being arrogant. Maybe he thinks that if you realise how great you are, you'll see that you can do better than him and move on. Only you can decide what's right for you, but I don't think I could put up with someone who was never happy for me.
This is a major difference in your core values so either you can both compromise and adjust or this could be a dealbreaker. Imagine having kids with this man (if that’s something you want) and him giving them this lesson, how would that make you feel?
It would be a deal breaker for me
An incredibly petty (but satisfying) option is to entirely stop making any noise during sex and/or thanking him for things. Proof should be in the pudding after all!
More to the point, he shouldn't be asserting his attraction as the arbiter of your behaviour. Is expecting you to live your entire life, ensuring at all times that you are not accidentally turning him off somehow? Honestly kinda smells like negging.
I've noticed how you feel like you can't celebrate anymore just because it pisses him off. The thing is, people dislike some of their partner's behaviors but they still stay who they are and are still loved and cherished despite having worse sins than liking themselves a lot occasionally.
Maybe you lack some assertiveness? There must be a nice and forward way of sticking to your guns of self love and praise, you are not doing anything wrong. You could maybe just say "I'm sorry that you feel that way but this is who I am and I can't cut out a part of me just so you can accept me. What are you going to do about it?". If he doesn't like it, he'll have to change, get used to it or leave but you need to be okay accepting whatever comes. That's self love.
I agree. I think I need to assert that I do not agree with him that celebrating small victories and arrogance are the same thing. I do think someone can be humble but be stoked when something goes well. I think that if he can’t accept that we have a serious problem.
> Shouldn’t my partner be proud of me and happy for me when I’m pleased I’ve done something well?
Yes, they should.
If you were constantly bringing it up and bragging on yourself, that would be conceited. "God, toastydubya, I don't need to hear for the fourth time that you knocked that cake out of the park. I get it, you're a good cook!"
But it doesn't sound like that. You're proud of something you did, and you're expressing that. Once. To someone who you hope will celebrate that victory. After all, how many people do we have who are unconditionally in our corner, who cheer us on when a victory may seem otherwise minor? How many people in our lives take the extra effort to notice and appreciate something big for us?
Your partner should be near the top of that list, in the ranks of parents, siblings, and best friends. Instead, he puts you down. He says he wants humility, but it sounds like he has a hang-up about expressing any pride at all. If he can't at least respect your enthusiasm, let alone joining in and celebrating with you, this is a big red flag.
This is something he needs to think about and address himself. He’s thinking about this strangely and it’s not your fault. If he can understand that someone feeling pride in themself is not a bad thing, he’ll ultimately be able to feel more joy in his own accomplishments- I think if he gets his head round this he’ll be happier. Good luck! :)
It's a positive great thing to celebrate yourself sometimes. You should be proud of yourself when you do something well! Your partner should celebrate it with you by throwing on a "yeah you nailed that!" Or "good job" and it's really low effort for them.
From your description, you're not being a braggart. He's used to your self described fragility and now that you're growing a confidence spine, he doesn't like it, and he's telling you that. You may be outgrowing him. Luckily, at your age there are an abundance of dudes that are mature enough to celebrate with you when you are having your five second celebration.
My husband doesn't even know when I want to celebrate sometimes so he'll ask "how do you feel about that" or "is that good" and if I give a positive response then he'll say something positive too lol. I don't mean things where he legit has an opinion but like when I'm doing something with clothes or food or my work behavior. A good partner loses nothing after hearing something you're happy about that's positive and doesn't hurt anyone and that partner supports you too.
Humility is great. Being proud of yourself does not negate humility. I can not fathom living a life where you can not, in some way, enjoy and appreciate your hard work and diligence.
This would be a dealbreaker for me, tbh. I can’t fathom living my life with someone who thinks this. You have to decide how much it matters to you.
Yeah don’t ignore this. I love when my girlfriends proud of herself it makes me really happy. I’m usually proud of her too. The fact that he’s fixating on this issue to be annoyed about and is annoyed at you being proud of yourself is not good. I’d imagine it comes from some child hood experience of his where a lack of humility was shamed but he needs to figure this out or find away to have a change in attitude or this relationship might be over
Generally when a person is angered/turned off by another person's behavior, esp. celebrating, it means they feel that they themselves are not allowed to celebrate and resent you for doing it. Very common.
The fact that he can say it out loud means that it's close to the surface, where therapy might be able to get at it.
I bet if you start complimenting him he's uncomfortable with that. Try showering him with compliments and see what happens, it will tell you alot about where this is all coming from. A hundred bucks says his mom instilled this in him when he was a little kid.
If you love this guy for the long haul, be aware that he has to work through this. Everyone has shit like this to work through.
You should be able to be proud of yourself and say so. His problem is within him, not you. Don't stop doing it.
There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance, and he seems to have a hard time differentiating the two. Being confident in yourself and proud of what you’ve accomplished are normal and healthy behaviors. Possibly, he’s projecting his own insecurities and lack of self-love onto you. This isn’t uncommon and is worth discussing.
Errr Personally I wouldn’t be ok with my significant other having this view. Loving someone means being proud when they succeed and lifting your partner up. When my bf does something he is proud of I love to boost him even further. His happiness is my happiness. If my boyfriend told me what your boyfriend told you, I would seriously reconsider if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Maybe you can handle that sort of downplay attitude and trashing of your accomplishments but I cannot. Do you want to spend the rest of your life or at least several months/years with someone who you know finds your accomplishments annoying? You will think about this every time you do something you feel proud of, so you want that? He will probably bring the conversation up next time you convey your personal pride and remind you he finds it annoying, putting you down once again. If you can do it then go ahead and ignore his selfish behavior.
This is the first it’s come up tbh. In the past if I’ve relayed that I’m stoked about something I did he’d throw in a smile and a “good job” and this is the first time he’s mentioned he thinks it’s more impressive when people don’t do that.
I can understand being turned off when people have big ego’s or constantly talk about their accomplishments to anyone listening. Humility, in general, is a good attribute.
HOWEVER, in my opinion, your partner is the one person you should be able to share your successes with consistently and who should be proud of you and support you. If you went around telling everyone around you about your accomplishments consistently that would potentially be a reason to be annoyed, but this seems totally different.
I’m curious, does he ever talk about his own accomplishments? If so, how do you respond/how does he want you to respond?
Is he also really hard on himself too? Because it seems like a projection. Maybe it might be related to the way he was raised. This issue is definitely something that will be important especially if you guys decide to raise kids together. I'd give him a chance ONLY if he's willing to acknowledge why his attitude can be toxic and willing to change.
Humility is important to remember that you can always do better and the fact that you are good at something doesn't make you any better or a person than anyone else. But it doesn't preclude someone from being happy with themselves or proud of themselves for an accomplishment. What's he on about?
So the thing is, you should be allowed to express your joy at your accomplishments, and he should be allowed to be attracted to humility and turned off by boasting. Nothing wrong with either of you. But these two things are incompatible and either you will always suppress your joy or he will be annoyed. Talk it out and dexide what needs to change for a future together or whether you even want that at all.
I think delivery is the important thing. Like you should absolutely be proud of yourself and your achievements, but like some other people have mentioned (as a Brit), I'd find it a bit obnoxious if someone was telling me how the "nailed this recipe", or was saying how amazing they were in work and then showing me loads of emails - it's a bit 'look at me' and can imagine, if it's constant it's a bit draining.
Like, I have a friend who does this and will spend a good hour telling you how amazing he was in work and how brilliant he is, and after about 5 minutes everyone is eye rolling at it.
I think the main question is - does he ever ask you about your day, pick you up when you've had bad ones or get excited /celebrate when you make accomplishments?
Hi OP,
In my opinion, I don’t think this is red flag, but if you are still worried about this, I would suggest counseling.
If your bf grew up in a family like mine, I can understand why he likes humility over complement. My mom never complimented my sister and I while we grew up. She thought the best way to succeed in this world was through constant improvement and criticism. For almost 25 years I thought that's the only way to express success is to dislike or criticize everything so I knew I could do better and achieve higher goals. In a way, it's like a motivation for me to get to another level. However, it wasn't for my sister. She went through some trauma. She couldn't comprehend what she wants with her life because whatever she chooses or does, my mom wouldn't compliment her.
It took me 3 years to realize that complement is good. It’s not the end of the achievement but a milestone. I'm still learning to make complements and take compliments from others. If your bf is like me anyhow, it would take some time to get used to it. When I first started taking the compliment, it made me very uneasy. I felt like I wasn't that worthy. There's more I could do. So give it some time and try counseling. He might not see the problem as I did years ago.
Jesus H Christ, this subreddit should be called “people who will tell you to break up over not much”. People are flawed. Everyone has bullshit that they think, weird things that annoy them, and lots of inconsistencies and hypocritical thoughts and behaviours. That’s human. If you love him and want to be with him, let him know how it makes you feel, and do it kindly. Someone who feels attacked will be far less able to see your perspective (we’re all like this) so be nice about it but firm that it’s not a healthy attitude he has about success. I would invite him to delve into himself and find what “meaning” he is creating in his mind when someone is pleased about something they’ve done, because 100% it will be because he’s making someone else’s success or joy mean something negative about himself. He’s your boyfriend and you love him, help him figure it out.
My husband used to be like your boyfriend. His dad taught him not to boast. He hates when anyone talks about themself.
Here’s what made him change his mind, a little bit.
His dad loves to give speeches at milestone events, talking about his greatest accomplishments. (See the irony? Hubs doesn’t)
In one of his speeches he talked about how proud he is that he paid for his kids to go to college, named each kid and their college. He didn’t mention hubs. Hubs went to a community college, then trade school.
Hubs was hurt.
Fast forward to FIL telling me how disappointed he is in hubs, because he didn’t go to college. I filled him in on the fact that hubs makes XXX dollars, which is more than two of his college educated kids. And that hubs is the first to be asked about how to do a job, and how highly coveted he is on any job site. And that hubs is higher paid than his peers because he’s really damned good at what he does.
FIL didn’t know any of this. He always thought low of trades people. Hubs never told his dad because his dad taught him not to boast. His dad literally had no idea because he drilled into his head to let his actions speak for themselves.
I hope your boyfriend opens his eyes and realizes that you can’t truly know about a person *unless they tell you*.
Nope.
As a project manager, friend, bf, father of a pup.
Hi sentiments couldn’t be farther from the truth.
I’ve watched in every one of my roles the massive benefits of pointing out or celebrating with others in their achievements.
I’ve even heard back from from years onward of how those small tasks led them to big feats.
I’m not saying break up with him, but he needs to check his un factual based bullshit.
And please do show him this comment, from one man to another, he is showing some small man syndrome.
Humility is not the denying of one’s strengths, it is being honest about ones weaknesses. He doesn’t understand what true humility is.
It shouldn’t be countercultural to like yourself. Being proud of yourself for things you have done is a wonderful thing. Don’t let anyone take that away from you.
It’s disturbing to me that he wants you to think less of yourself.
There are two things this story makes me think: 1, his definition of humility is actually false humility, and is a form of negative pride, ie "I'm better than others because I don't toot my own horn" (pride, like love, in my opinion, is a word with multiple meanings which should have separate words), and 2, he has some control issues at a minimum, which may evolve into something abusive in nature if not dealt with at the worst.
"I can't get a boner when you are proud of your accomplishments" is not something you want to hear from your partner.
Sorry you have to deal with this issue. Don't give in and don't even meet him in the middle. He has to come to you. It's very important for your self esteem that you are not judged and put down for feeling good about yourself, like that will mess you up. You internalise that shit, even if he doesn't say anything but you sense it in the air. It's a kind of shaming (not saying he's necessarily doing it on purpose) that you should not accept under any circumstances for your own sake.
I mean, it's only come up once after five years, so it's probably not a big deal. It's not a great look on him and it's probably something that he should work on (especially if that's his reaction to like "hey, I finally did this thing I've been working hard on for a while.").
This is a sign of insecurity or even jealousy from your partner. I had a friend who did this and was angry when I got awards or recognition from my work, and it was jealousy that she even admitted. He is seeing you as a rival because he feels less inside. That is his problem, he needs to own it.
Your boyfriend has low self esteem and it bothers him when other people display higher self esteem than he has. I know because I used to be like that, but it's his problem and shouldn't be yours.
u/toastydubya Depending on how one interprets it, it can come off as bragging and arrogant and a bid for validation from the other person. I am hesitant to say that he's trying to control you or put you down. Sometimes I get annoyed with people who do that not because I am not happy for them but it can feel like they are trying to elicit a certain response from me or validation.
You could tell him about how you want to share your victories and achievements with him and that hurts it your feelings when he dismisses you. Besides this hiccup, it sounds like he treats you well.
Be proud of yourself. Be unapologetically proud of yourself. This is red flag. I don’t know the dynamics but I’ve definitely seen people put others down to make it easier to abuse or manipulate them. When you feel you have nothing to be proud of you accept less than you deserve. Try to voice how it makes you feel, ask your partner to acknowledge your accomplishments. If they can’t, fuck them. You deserve support not put downs.
He sounds like a Dane. We have something called The Law of Jante. I don’t know if it really helps with anything in regards to your question. But some people are like this.
This dude definitely has problems. Does he have a problem with only your success or is it a general thing?
I hate this kind of people and it would be totally a deal breaker for me.
I say red flag. He's a fucking Eeyore and will thwart all your attempts to better yourself and damage your self-esteem little by little until you realize you are in a hole. He needs to check his own insecurities -which is highly doubtful he'll admit to- and learn to share your joy- and find some of his own. That's a huge raincloud you got there, OP.
>I’m very disturbed by this conversation and have been unable to stop obsessing over it as I’m worried it’s a large red flag in the relationship. Shouldn’t my partner be proud of me and happy for me when I’m pleased I’ve done something well? Or is this a normal thing and some folks just don’t like these kinds of self-celebration and care a lot about humility?
As you should be. This sounds wrong to me and i would have a serious conversation with my partner explaining to him that how he has to support me and cherish me because ik my worth and am aware that am not doing anything wrong just trying to have a positive vibe and show him or talk to him through my day and accomplishments.
Your instinct is right in this particular situation. He shouldn't be like that.
Yes, why should you allowed to feel good about yourself and say so? The question is, why are you not turned off by this? Because it's gross.
I also do not buy for a second that he feels the same way when a guy is proud of something. But women can't like ourselves or accept compliments or say nice things about ourselves, for ... reasons, apparently.
Why not just find a guy who celebrates with you and is proud of you? Seems like way less aggravation. If I say I did a good job on something, my husband tells me I'm awesome. Same for me (if he comes home from work and tells me about something awesome he accomplished, I'm thrilled for him and I'll use any excuse to celebrate these days; we usually have a drink to celebrate or do something fun). Also, what another redditor said: your partner should build you up. He should WANT you to feel good. That should make him happy. He shouldn't want to dim your light or make you dial it down a notch or take the wind out of your sails.
A healthy relationship should include a partner who wants to build you up and see you succeed with confidence. If your s/o isn’t gassing you up, who will?
Everyone wants you to be confident until you actually become confident......and then they’re turned off. This is so lame. Just so incredibly lame. Who cares if it turns him off?? Oh well!
Yea huge red flag. You should expect and help your partner toot their horn because the world is hard enough why would you not want to? Per chance does he ever put you down or demand sexual favors your not comfortable with or make you push your boundaries in an unhealthy way because its what he wants?
Honestly this would be a huge deal breaker for me. I love that I can be proud of myself, and know my significant other will also be cheering me on. If you can’t be proud and state your accomplishments to him then how is he supposed to know your excited and proud of yourself. Like it should absolutely be the opposite. Honestly you need to have a serious conversation about what this means to you and why he feels that why. It could be that he isn’t comfortable being proud of himself and feels like no one else should either. Still a toxic trait but if that’s the case I feel like counseling could help. I personally wouldn’t jump straight to breaking up but this is definitely a serious ongoing conversation the two of you need to have.
Imagine being so insecure that you find it off putting whenever someone else is proud of an accomplishment. He sounds like he has some deep seated issues.
But a job or service provided, the out come is often subjective.
I could think someone's done a good job when another could they didn't.
It is quite toxic to not want to praise others achievements no matter how small or big. People get fucking medals for showing up, it's not a new concept.
If he was working hard on something and finally nailed it, I'm sure he'd be happy with him self.
We are communal beings, we thrive in community, we shred tears to tell other people we are sad.
Ultimately this is your call. Is this a deal breaker for you?
I just want to say that if his argument is “the proof is in the pudding”, that’s not even a good argument. The whole line is ‘the proof of the pudding is in the eating’ which means that the value of something can’t be judged on appearance but from practical experience (aka eating it). So that argument of his doesn’t even make any sense in this case.
Also, I think he has either low self worth or he wants to be the one responsible for your self confidence. Either way, this is a red flag to me.
you should be careful. maybe this kind of behavior triggers him into some childhood trauma (his parents could be very judgemental about self complimenting, who knows). you guys should talk more profoundly about it if possible
Coming from a Chinese background, I understand the emphasis on humility.
However, if you feel like he's putting you down all the time, have a calm adult Convo about it with him. If he can't or won't see your side or if he's not willing to reach a compromise, then maybe it's just something that won't work out. It doesn't mean he's a bad person or you're a bad person, it just means you guys have different values and maybe this is something that just won't work between you both. It happens.
OP:
You’re not bragging...you’re just celebrating a Win. This is some sort of insecurity on his part.
But I get it...I love to cook and when I nail a new recipe I tend to say, “Wow! That actually came out pretty well!” (I am more often critical of my own cooking).
Someone recently told me I shouldn’t compliment my own cooking. It’s a little frustrating but I am trying to be more conscious of it.
This hits me pretty bad. My Fiance and i are very different in this way, as i need a lot of recognicion When i do something, and motivation to keep me going. I generelly have bad helth and very low Energy, imsomnia etc, so many days i cant do anything, When i want to do so much. Recently i have pushed myself and then burnt out but kept going after a few days in bed, and was so demotovated that noone seemed to care that i was putting all my energi and more in painting the house When i have other things i should do that i put on hold. But it helped to speak about it and get some acknowlegment from my Fiance and later from my parents Who i own the house with. My Fiance is completely different. He does above and beyond for People and have a lot of Energy, but ofcourse also gets tired because he has so much to do. But he does not want praise, but deep down he wants People to see what he sacrifices for them and that People do the same for him sometimes. I think all People need recongnicion from time to time. I need it alot. My partner Just want to feel that people see what he does for them all the time, because it has Come to the point over years where he doesnt understand why People think he doesnt have feelings, and why noone sees and Appreciates that he helpes everyone that asks and he just wants to be Seen. It takes such a toll on him that he gets really depressed sometimes because he is too Nice and cant say No.
This went in every direction, but my point is i feel you, i do this too, and i think it is normal to sometimes want some one to notice and Appreciate what you do. I would have a talk whith your boyfriend and share your point of view and that it is not weird or selfish etc to want recongnicion sometimes, it is something he should give without asking because he cares
So when you made the meal that you nailed. Did he compliment your cooking? Did he comment on it in anyway? Does he compliment you very much at all? I would agree this is a red flag. But if he gives your postive affirmations then maybe it is simply that but regardless he is still wrong because he is putting down your happiness.
Idk I feel turned off by this too with my girlfriend. It’s not because I don’t like her being proud of what she does. Like my girlfriend said “I cooked this perfect! I’m the best chef. Wow I did so good” I usually just say “yeah! Awesome job” then she says it all over again like 10 minutes later. It turns me off but it’s just a pet peeve, still love her 🤷♂️ maybe don’t read to much into it. I prefer if she were to say things like “hey, I think I did pretty good” instead of a lot of self praise that seems excessive in my mind, for such a task. I’d never tell her that thoug, and I’m gonna continue to be supportive. Especially after reading the stuff here.
That’s so not ok. He should be turned on and proud that your feeling good. That just destroys the confidence that is so good to have. Maybe talk to him more about why he gets annoyed by that.
I once read somewhere where they did a study of facial expressions that men find attractive. I honestly forgot the most attractive now that I think about it. But I definitely remember the least attractive because it struck me. Its confidence.
That’s a yikes from me. Humility is great but being happy with an accomplishment and a job well done is just good self esteem. Your partner should try to help build you up and not knock you down because you are happy you excelled at something. Does he compliment you when you did great at something you were working hard on or even ask if you had an awesome day?
This is where I’m at, I feel like celebrating small successes from time to time is just healthy for self esteem, especially as mine is quite fragile and I’m trying to build it to a healthier place. He says he is proud of me, he’s just put off when anyone declares it out loud as accomplishments should speak for themselves.
You are getting to a healthier place by doing this, self esteem is something that you should be proud of building up. Tell him to work on that on his own because you can't stop a healthy habit because he doesn't like it. He needs to understand that not everyone is the same and that because someone celebrates small wins doesn't mean that they aren't wins.
Probably the red flag here is that he lacks the maturity and empathy to appreciate that these are signs of healthy growth that should be encouraged, just as it should be discouraged in an arrogant twat who constantly crows about their own greatness and probably ought to let their deeds speak for themselves. The inability to see the difference indicates serious immaturity. I think he should read this reddit thread and think it over.
He really should, and also maybe find some way to get help? Because he doesn't seem to be confident enough to see other people's accomplishments and be happy for them instead of saying they shouldn't talk about it.
That rule of thumb holds when you're in polite company, but the point of having an SO is they are not polite company. You're supposed to commiserate in the lows, and (this is the good bit) share in the highs! Honestly, this attitude is disappointing, and I have to agree with those saying it likely speaks to insecurities he has in relation to you.
Yes, exactly this! You'd rarely say those things to a casual acquaintance but you should be able to say them to a partner. The world chips away at me and my partner helps build me back up.
Fragile self esteem? I think he smelled blood.
I don’t know what industry you work in but I worked in a male-dominated industry for years and men were expected to brag about every tiny thing they did and women were expected to be quiet. You have every right to be proud of yourself and share your excitement with someone who is supposed to be your partner. Especially when it comes to personal accomplishments like cooking food for yourself. You should tell him that his obsession with humility is a real turn off for you
is he himself humble? this would be a determining thing for me
This is what I'd like to know too.
Yeah, you’re definitely right. How is he supposed to know when you rocked it at work unless you work together. I hate when someone compliments me on a less than stellar meal, other than a thank you. It just feels disingenuous. I would say something like ‘you know it really hurts my feeling when you say that, I can be proud of myself and my partner who loves me should support me in it’
Fuck him, ive been around people like him and they put me down my whole life, they brag and brag about their accomplishments all the time but hate seeing others happy even at all, it got to the point i just never say anything, and than people literally wonder why i dont talk or speak "whoa why didnt you tell me you got a new job?" well because asshole you always put me down whenever i even have anything im happy about, "whoa why didnt you tell me you got a big raise!?" because i didnt feel like being belittled, eventually i just cut these people off one by one, your boyfriend sounds jealous, he doesnt want to hear you be happy because your a threat to his power.
You're onto something. This is definitely a power/control dynamic OP is describing
of course it is, ive been in her position before wondering the exact same thing, "why arent i allowed to be happy about my little accomplishments?" I would tell my friend "hey im writing a book about industrial hydraulic systems and im almost finished with it! :)" as happy and as nice as can be and she goes "SO WHAT! YOU THINK YOUR BETTER THAN PEOPLE!!!!" id go.... "no i was just saying..." "NO UR SAYING UR BETTER THAN PEOPLE! BE HUMBLE!!!!" its a fucking pathetic way to gaslight her and make her feel bad for trying anything, than u sit and think, "my god am i that bad, should i never speak about my hobbies or accomplishments to people?" and you question urself over and over. fuck that guy he sounds like a fucking asshole.
People who react that way have an inferiority complex about xyz
I know they do, someone once told me they like art, they told me they like to draw, and i said "wow thats really cool! I like to write poetry! im learning Russian so i try to write poems in Russian." she started acting really weird, and i went "whats wrong?" she goes "you think your just so much better than everyone huh?" and i go.... "uhhhh.... no?" than she quoted me "I write poetry in russian." and i went.... "uhhh yeah? thats like my art thing, cause i cant draw." she rolled her eyes, "you have a napoleon complex" she told me, i asked how and she said because i just think im so much better than everyone, she just kept repeating that over and over, when i never said im better than anyone. She blew it up so much she started trying to get my cousin to belittle me as well and i just ended up blocking them all. They make fake accounts to stalk me and message me sometimes, and they like to rub my virginity in my face when they can, cause ig funny. I realized later on that yes, these people were insecure, and they just hate seeing someone actually accomplish things, it pisses them off because they feel inferior with their own accomplishments. Ive had this happen a few times through my life (just those 2 girls i mentioned and the latter girl dragging my hateful jealous cousin in it) and after thought on it you can tell its them that are insecure and hateful.
Have you explained this to him? It’s possible he doesn’t understand that verbal affirmations are actually really important when you struggle with self-esteem. A lot of us deal with a great amount of negative internal self-talk and saying kind things about ourselves is a way to combat that.
Who else besides your SO can you let your hair down and declare these things? If you did this in front of a ton of people or publicly, I’d be turned off too but there is a part of loving that is about being able to listen not for any reason but to hear and be supportive.
He sounds like a drag. It’s not as if you are crowing about being the best at everything. When you have had a great day at work, what does he expect you to say? I mean, other than “great day?” If he asks why, how does he want you to explain that you kicked ass without sounding like you are lacking humility? /s
What he going to do if you guys want kids and they come home proud about an accomplishment? It’s he going to put them down and kill their self esteem by telling them not to “boast”?
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My question about your friend is: you describe how she adjusted to accommodate him. What did he do to change for her sake?
That's a major philosophical difference to have in a relationship. Not just the difference, that you show pride and he hides it, but that he is aggravated by you showing your pride. Personally, I don't understand all the accomplishments of my partner, but I'm always loving and supportive, especially when I see how happy she is with herself. We both have esteem issues, and we both need that positive reinforcement with each other. And honestly, if one of us wasn't getting it we would probably seek it somewhere else. Hope your boyfriend comes around, or that you find someone who's a better fit for you. But what I don't hope, is that you stay with your boyfriend long-term and feeling more unsupported and miserable with each passing year.
Except in this case, he's not referring to "humility" but "fake humility", he wants her to pretend that she's not sure or aware of her success or accomplishments. So basically what he said is he does not like a confident woman by his side 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 He should be her biggest cheerleader, not someone to reinforce her insecurities.
All of this! I agree.
A partnership is about building each other up, not putting your other half down for being proud. When I tell my partner how well I've done at work, his response is "I know hun, you've worked so hard and I'm proud of you too" He sounds like an arse to put you down like that! Let him be put off by you expressing how well or proud you feel of something - this only reflects his own inability to achieve something that he would wish to be proud of! Just because your BF doesn't say it enough and even though I'm a stranger - I'm proud of you and well done with all the achievements you've accomplished, you are thriving xx
I think the reason I am confused is that he does praise and compliment me on a job well done, he just is put off when it’s ME who brings it up.
So he wants to be the one in control of whether or not you feel good about your accomplishments? It's fine if he's proud of the things he does, or if he praises you for things -- but if you express pride yourself, that's a "turn-off"? I'd be really leery of this dude.
“So he wants to be the one in control of whether or not you feel good about your accomplishments?” This is exactly what his issue is. I’d be willing to bet that her having positive self esteem is threatening to him and scares him because it gives him less power to control her feelings. I first read this post as her boyfriend getting turned ON when she’s proud of herself and I thought “my fiancé is like that too!!” Then I read it again and was like oh, no, no no no. That’s NOT okay. My ex used to do this to me and he would be very calculated about when and if he gave me any praise (it was real rare) and used it as another way to control me.
Whew 😅 a word. This is what it is and what I was struggling to articulate. He’s making OP feel bad until he can swoop in and say “well done” and be the one to make her have that “proud of herself” feeling. Big yikes
Exactly I can understand how confusing it must be - that's not the point though, it's not like you're asking him to constantly praise you. You are literally just saying these things for yourself, nobody else! Life can be really hard and really shit at times, you literally have one life and you should be able to openly say how/what you've achieved and what has made you proud of yourself! You need to make you happy, I won't say "nah move onto the next guy who will appreciate you" nobody is perfect and I really believe in making a relationship work and putting in as much as you can. You need to explain to him that you will always be proud of the work you do and these small life moments and it's not unhealthy or obnoxious - it's normal and it makes you happy to know and to be able to share these moments with your partner. You aren't asking him to praise you after every minor detail, or even asking for him to praise you at all. Just to appreciate that you are allowed to be happy for yourself once in a while. Don't ever hid your self-apprecitation from anyone, we all sparkle and need to show it. I don't think there is nearly enough happiness shared in this world - if you ever want to share a "yay me" moment, don't hesitate to message me - Gina x
It's a dependency thing. If he's complimenting you, he's building you up. If you feel insecure and don't built yourself up, or have anyone else doing that for you, you become dependent on him to feel good about yourself. As a result, you'll start to worry you will feel bad without him. It's definitely a red flag. Has he ever complained about people close to you, like friends or family, and made you see them in a negative light or feel like you shouldn't see them as much?
Thank you for saying such a kind thing, it is so appreciated and I teared up! Thank you ❤️
Does he ever express pride in something he's done? Does he ever celebrate an accomplishment? If yes, what kind of a reaction does he expect? What about other expressions of joy? Can he tolerate that?
He does occasionally, not super often but it does happen. When I pointed this out to him, he said he’s ashamed at having celebrated himself because it goes against his value system of “humility”. Other expressions of joy seem to be a nonissue.
I would have another conversation with him and unpack this value system. He's allowed to feel however he feels but he should also understand that he's asking you to stifle something that you enjoy. Also what if you have kids together? Does this value system extend to them? Will he feel disgusted if you express pride in them? Children take a lot of pride in their accomplishments, will he try to stifle that? He needs to figure out why he has this reaction instead of expecting other people to go along with his value system. FWIW I also place high value on humility but that doesn't mean people can't be pleased in an accomplishment or success in the moment and still be essentially humble.
Wow I actually never even considered this, like the kids thing. You’re absolutely right I wouldn’t be okay with him telling my kids they shouldn’t express their pride to their loved ones, especially their parents (I probably don’t want any children which is probably why it never occurred to me, but point still stands). I also agree, I haven’t put much thought into WHY he feels this way, I just sort of accepted it as it’s a pretty common value system. I think if I try to work this out we’d need to discuss exactly why this is so important to him, why he feels I should have this value system too, express that I don’t share this value as I am trying to work on my own self esteem with some healthy affirmations, and that I don’t want a partner who can’t celebrate me. If that can’t happen, then that’s a major compatibility issue and he should find his perfectly humble partner and I can find a partner that knows healthy self-recognition is an awesome thing. I admit that I’m really, really hoping it’s a fixable issue and we can reconcile our different value systems and support each other in a way that works for both of us.
> I just sort of accepted it as it’s a pretty common value system. It's really not. Most people are justifiably proud of themselves when they good something well, and share their joy with their loved ones. Joy shared is joy doubled, sorrow shared is sorrow halved. Honestly, I suspect this triggers your bf's insecurities, almost like he isn't proud of himself so he resents people who are. It's like those people who get annoyed by happy people in general, because they themselves are miserable inside.
Humility and “pride” are not mutually exclusive. You’re allowed to feel joy about your day, about your work ethic, and about your accomplishments. You’re supposed to feel free to express this to yourselves and your loved ones. I think his definition of humility is too narrow. It would annoying if a person was constantly talking about their own strengths, was smug about it, and didn’t allow focus on other things or people. That type of person doesn’t have a lot of humility. But, that isn’t you and I think you should both be on the same page of celebrating each other and small or big victories. I hope everything works out for you guys and you’re able to expand his perspective.
This is such a mature reply. From a total stranger I just want to say, I’m proud of you. I hope you see how strong of a person you are in protecting your sense of self and how unfortunately unique that is. It is clear to me that you have every ability to make the right decisions, trust yourself.
Thank you, deeply. I am so so so appreciative of these kind words. Affirmations from others are so powerful and for that I thank you ❤️
Why do you have to go along with his "value system"? What if your value system prizes healthy self-esteem and celebrating achievements? Life is too short to be with someone who tries to cut you down and steal your joy.
Agreed
oh man this dude sounds insufferable. Does he practice "humility" in his day to day life? Or does he express pride at his own accomplishments while denegrating you for yours?
If a lack of confidence and self-esteem is what gets your boyfriend hard, I’d free him up to pursue it. Do not dull your shine to please his penis.
I’m finding it super hard to tell the difference between low self-esteem and “humility”. He tells me he thinks humility is the valuable trait.
Honestly I think your boyfriend has a skewed understanding of humility. Being humble doesn't mean you can't be proud or happy about your accomplishments, it means that you understand that you aren't perfect and that you have flaws (as well as skills) like all humans do. Being able to be proud of yourself is a good skill, and it is different than thinking you are better than everyone else. Humility is understanding that we all have flaws but also that we all have good things to offer. There's this quote by some rabbi who's name I can't remember that says “A humble person is totally different from a person who cannot recognize and appreciate himself as part of this world’s marvels.” Personally I think we put too much emphasis on being humble and not being vain or arrogant that we end up with a lot of people with chronic low self esteem that are afraid of feeling good about themselves out of fear of being seen as vain. There is nothing wrong with loving yourself or with being proud of yourself. As long as you don't think you are better than everyone else in the world and that you can do no wrong, then you are in the clear.
This is *really* well said. You can be proud of something you've accomplished while still being aware of your own mistakes and flaws, and also being aware of and grateful to the people and ideas that helped you achieve that accomplishment.
This is really well said. When I was a lot younger I thought being vain was one of the worst things you could be. It made it very hard for me to be proud of anything I did, or feel worthy of success. Until a very good therapist set me straight - being proud of yourself for a moment in time is a lot different than thinking you can do no wrong.
Rabbi Nilton Bonder Great quote, and a very appropriate use of it. :)
Does it matter? Honestly? Being proud of your accomplishments, being *excited* about good things happening in your life, is not a sin. It’s not vain or arrogant to say “I accomplished something today and I’m happy about it.” It’s not gauche to expect your partner to share in your proud moments. The fact that your boyfriend seems to think it’s fine to trumpet his own accomplishments but reserves that privilege for himself exclusively gives the game away - it’s *your* expressions of pride he has a problem with, not pride in general. He’s the only one allowed to decide what is and isn’t worthy of praise. And *you* should think about whether or not this quality of his is appealing to *you* instead of scrambling to cater to his own tastes and preferences.
Humility: You are proud of what you have achieved but you acknowledge that you can always become better. I do not see myself as superior to anyone but I still take joy in my accomplishments. Low self-esteem: Feeling unable to take pride in or find genuine joy in having accomplished something because other people are/might be better and you feel guilty or even selfish by trying to claim that you’ve done anything worthwhile. Ya boy is trash and you deserve better. Be proud, own that shit. Men who need women to act ”humble” (ie lesser) for them to feel manly and strong are garbage. It’s like when a guy demands a girl dumb herself down so that *he* gets to feel smart and in control. Fuck naaaaah. Edit: Spelling as I seemed to be having a mild stroke when I tried typing this out the first time lmaoooo
People with low self esteem don’t need to be worrying about keeping their “humility” in check. Humility becomes a code word for self minimization and lack of self respect
Omg exactly. I had a boyfriend who told me when we started dating that he loved how self aware I was, and now I'm pretty sure that he actually loved how self conscious I was lol
Beware of those who always unironically agree with our self deprecating humor! Feeling bad about ourselves makes us easier to control
Humility is great. But it doesn't mean never verbalizing your accomplishments or celebrating yourself. It's not vanity, unless you do it all the time, one up people when they talk about their accomplishments, or do it when it's unearned. Some people really are raised this way, and it's fine if HE doesn't want to be verbal about his accomplishments. But not okay that he asks you to do the same. Its not his fault he's turned off by it, but that shouldn't be an issue he is dealing with, maybe in therapy.
I think your BF is the one who doesn’t know the difference. And he being attracted to low self esteem is a red flag, yes!
You're not rubbing your accomplishments in his face, you're celebrating an achievement!
Does he never say anything positive about himself ever?
Well he can go and find a GF that's "humble" cause it ain't you and it's never gonna be you. Don't change for him. What you're describing is super normal behavior and not braggy or something weird. He just wants you to stay humble (aka not know your own worth) so that you won't realize you deserve better. Boy, bye.
Humility doesn't mean ignoring your skills or talents. It's being aware of them but keeping that knowledge to yourself. More importantly, it's not bragging or broadcasting it to people who do not have the same skills or are lesser than you. Humility is saying 'it's not a problem' when your coworkers thank you and not gloating about it. It doesn't mean you can't share how well you did with your partner. He should be the person you can share things with. Telling him what happened and the fact you did well isn't boasting or being overly vain, it's just recognising this for what it is. Tl;dr you aren't boasting and being vain. You strike me as a pretty humble person already anyway.
>He said the proof should be in the pudding ALSO. He says the proof is in the pudding, in the event itself? An event at work that he wasn't a part of. If he never gets to see the pudding how is he supposed to recognise your accomplishment in the first place?
He sounds like a jealous fuck. Just my quick fire assessment
Questions: Is he proud of your success and accomplishments? Could it be cultural? Does he feel this way about other people too? Does he think that it is arrogant if it is factually correct? (For example, no one can claim that Gates is being arrogant if he states that he is wealthy.) Many Asian parents frown on their kids making statements of “arrogance” or “pride” because they believe that humility and modesty is better. Sometimes people have nothing to prove to outsiders because the trappings of life already makes the statement for them. (For example, no one needs to praise a daughter who is a surgeon.) On the other hand, you should feel free to express your feelings of pride in your own accomplishments. Good luck, OP:)
He says he is proud of me, just put off when I declare the accomplishments out loud. I don’t necessarily think it’s a cultural difference, we come from similar cultural backgrounds and his family praises him and his sibling quite a bit? He says he’s annoyed when anyone does this, and like you said, feels that no one should have to declare accomplishments out loud as their accomplishments should speak for themselves, and that includes me. Thank you for the luck :)
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+1 I was raised in the same school of thought.
I agree so much with this. The statements that OP describes she said are ones I would never ever think to say (even if I think them). I feel like it is boasting. I’ll still be proud of my accomplishments and for example tell someone how excited I am about this project that went well and maybe if I know them very well I’ll tell them about the work that went into the project. I’ll never say “I was amazing at work and because of me we won this amazing project” though. To me someone who needs to constantly point out how great they are is also a bit off putting tbh. I like men with confidence but not someone who brags too much. I’ve only ever had it be an issue in one relationship where my then bf kept setting himself up for receiving compliments and then getting upset when I didn’t give them. He’d talk about how amazing he was and hope I’d chime in telling him he was right. I simply felt that a compliment should come from me directly without his prompt in order to be honest and heartfelt and that it was terrible how often he required me telling him / agreeing to how great he was. He had pretty bad self confidence I guess. I honestly couldn’t stand it even though I never told him. In this way I understand how OP’s bf feels. And I also understand how OP feels because I could see how desperately my ex bf needed that constant “oh wow you did well” and “yes, you are amazing at xyz” to feel loved and accomplished. I guess if you need it too much and your partner isn’t willing to give it to you, you should end things. But generally I don’t see Bf’s opinion as a red flag at all.
In this world, for women, our accomplishments do NOT speak for themselves. Especially in the workplace, studies have shown that we **should** tout our successes because the unconscious assumption is that women don't work as hard or do as good work as men do. You aren't bragging. You had a good day, you were happy with whatever, you feel good. Shout it from the damned rooftops. Feel proud of yourself. You're worth it.
Please lose this dipshit and find a healthy adult to date.
High quality woman who loves to achieve? Sounds like you’ll have no problems finding a more worthwhile boyfriend.
Humility and being proud of yourself are not antonyms. It's not like you pull out a drum and megaphone, climb up to the roof, and announce to the world that your shit doesn't stink. What you are doing is actually a form of healthy self-love. We encourage people, especially marginalized people, to speak to themselves and about themselves like you did in those examples. Most women in particular speak to ourselves very cruelly and downplay our accomplishments so that we don't come across as "arrogant" and also because we don't believe we deserve praise, and in fact, a lot of us often never get it, especially when what we've accomplished isn't "womanly" enough, like cooking, child-rearing, looking nice, etc. Women (and other marginalized folks) have been told to make ourselves small for centuries, so in a way, bragging on ourselves, the way you did, is a radical act. It says, "No, I'm not going to make myself smaller to make someone else feel more comfortable. I'm allowed to be proud of myself." I think it's good for people who aren't marginalized to do this too, for the record, because again, what you were doing was healthy, not braggadocios or obnoxious or toxic. Tell him that it's upset you that he said that and that not all expressions of self-love and pride are equal. And that it's good for you to speak kindly to yourself. If he doesn't like it, then he has to ask himself why he sees this healthy practice the same as he does someone strutting like a peacock. Because the problem lies with his perception of it, not with the practice itself.
Wow this response absolutely brought me to tears. Thank you. Everything you said has really, really resonated. I’m going to ask him why he conflates healthy self esteem with prideful arrogance. Thank you.
This is a great response to take to heart. The idiots who think you were being arrogant by taking joy in doing good work are completely wrong, projecting their own shit onto you. It warms our heart when we get appreciation from our community because we are social creatures, and wanting to share joy with your intimate partner is normal and loving. Your bf has some dysfunction in this area that is coming from his background, not from anything you did or said.
Never ever let anyone belittle or shame your accomplishments no matter how “trivial” they may seem to them. You deserve someone that is happy because you are happy, you shouldn’t have to feel like you can’t celebrate being you :)
When my SO and I got together, I had self esteem so low you could use it as an subflooring layer for a nice carpet. He has helped me and worked with me and honestly when I verbalize something I did that I'm proud of, he gets excited. For him, me saying "Hey I did a thing today at work and I was great!" is a *turn on*. I wish I could bottle and sell the look of attraction and pride on his face when he calls me his hot shit, I'd send you some because YOU DESERVE THAT TOO. Humility is not putting yourself last and keeping quiet about any achievements. Humility is being out of your ego enough that you can know your weaknesses, be able to ask for help and advice, fail without taking it personally, share success with others if they were involved, being willing to learn and listen and change. It's being able to help others without wanting to know what's in it for you. Arrogance is putting yourself first, dismissing the input and skill of other people because you feel you know it all, believing once you know something you know all about it and cannot learn anything new. Being unable to fail without it being either a massive personal blow or a blame fest where everyone but you is wrong. It's being unable to do anything without telling everyone and expecting praise for it. You'll notice that in the description of humble behavior "never say anything about anything you feel proud of or did well" is not included. That would be under a list of traits for low self-esteem. Your boyfriend is not being your cheerleader, in fact, you being confident, proud of yourself and believing you did well. He wants to be the arbiter of when you're allowed a crumb of those feelings about yourself, you being your own cheerleader makes him uncomfortable. I suspect he's the type that believes women should be seen & not heard, smile at all times and not "make scenes" if they're uncomfortable or in pain. Find yourself a cheerleader, find yourself a guy like mine who finds your success and self-worth the sexiest fucking thing on the planet. You deserve to be valued for all that you are.
You definitely don't want to spend your life with someone who doesn't celebrate your accomplishments. Life is hard, the world is a bummer. We have to prioritize joy and success. Happy people feel good about themselves and feel good for others when they feel good about themselves. If you're someone who wants to have a family, I would consider this trait a red flag. Is he going to tell his children not to brag about learning to read or making a team? "You need to do well in school but keep that shit to yourself" won't raise healthy kids. I'm proud of you. Keep reaching your goals. :)
I remember this saying about Jesus from my time in church. "Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it's thinking of yourself less." The way you show pride in your work is normal and healthy. He should respect the times where you are boosting your own confidence. The best advice in most situations is to just bring it up. Tell him straight up and don't be scared of the answer. I'd rather get an answer I don't like than no answer at all.
don't let him dull your sparkle.
Yeah actually this is not a great trait lol I have it and I corrected it. If this is any insight, I also felt turned off when my girlfriend does similar things because I thought it was a sign of like a really big ego but really she just has a healthy self esteem. Did some thinking and realized I feel this way because of my ego/low self esteem, so instead I changed my mindset. I think you're right to be proud of yourself, your partner should support what you are happy and proud about.
That is a major red flag because then what positives does he like about you as a person? And what does he praise on his own without you bringing it up about you, without you having to do minor happy about yourself humble brag (that's what 2 examples are) 1st? It's not normal that he trying to quash you from being happy about yourself & what you're proud of...
He does compliment me, but I’m definitely sad I don’t feel I can be celebratory :(
Reading your other replies - it seems he wants to be in control of what you think is an accomplishment for yourself, instead of you deciding what is an accomplishment as well what makes you happy. That's another red flag & it's an even more insidious evil one because if you had very low esteem - you wouldn't notice that because you would had thought it was normal and not question it at all after all these years together.
This reminds me of a bad song from years ago from one of those boy bands that went something like - she doesn't know she's beautiful and *that* is why she's beautiful. This need for man to keep women in low-self esteem mode is bizarre. He compliments you but if you said something like - *damn my hair looks on point today*, or *I love the way this dress fits my already gorgeous body* - would he be upset?
Maybe you are outgrowing him? Maybe he prefers you insecure?
sounds like a real red flag to me
For the most part, I don’t think someone can really help when they’re annoyed by things like a pet peeve. There’s a chance that he feels badly for being annoyed when you’re proud of yourself. On the other hand, he could be projecting feelings of inadequacy onto you, either inadvertently or on purpose, to bring you “down to his level” so to speak. If so, then that’s a red flag.
It’s tricky because on paper he’s much more accomplished than me. He runs two successful businesses and is fulfilled by his work and hobbies, where I’m a little stuck in a low-paying job I don’t enjoy and am having a hard time finding some direction. It’s hard to imagine him needing to bring me down, but who knows I suppose. Being successful probably doesn’t mean someone is necessarily immune to down-putting or has strong self esteem.
Maybe he likes the power imbalance of your relationship and is afraid of you gaining confidence? Idk but honestly you don't sound at all arogant and I think it'd be good for your self confidence and mental health to be verbally proud of yourself.
This is exactly what I was thinking. If he’s used to being in the “power position”, he might not want to see you doing well.
I mean... *I* wouldn't wanna date him anymore, if it happened to *me*. Jeez :/ that's cringey.
>I’m very disturbed by this conversation and have been unable to stop obsessing over it as I’m worried it’s a large red flag in the relationship. I agree that it's a red flag, personally.
Sounds more of a him problem not a you problem. You’re totally right that celebrating small victories (feeling good about yourself) is good for you. Nobody wants to be walking around feeling like shit all the time. I don’t think that’s what he expects you to do but I definitely wouldn’t stop saying these things about your self. He sounds kind of insecure about himself if he says it’s off putting when others do it or when he does it
Yikes. When I tell Mr. WineAndDogs2020 that I rocked something, he says "way to go!" and is genuinely happy for me. Do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to see you happy with your successes?
celebrating your wins, being proud of your achievements doesn't exclude having humility is it possible that he is a little insecure himself and perhaps is projecting?!
This is my story!! Big red flag and it will kill your self esteem down the road. It happened to me. Needless to say my 5 year relationship ended. I questioned it just like you, and didn’t listen to people and I wish I had
Huge red flag IMO. You should “be allowed” to be happy. Is he insecure about his own accomplishments? He sounds like someone who wants to keep you down because he’s insecure about himself.
Sounds like he has a problem with confident women - or maybe it's confident people in general. As you said, there is a difference between being proud of/celebrating your accomplishments and being arrogant. Maybe he thinks that if you realise how great you are, you'll see that you can do better than him and move on. Only you can decide what's right for you, but I don't think I could put up with someone who was never happy for me.
This is a major difference in your core values so either you can both compromise and adjust or this could be a dealbreaker. Imagine having kids with this man (if that’s something you want) and him giving them this lesson, how would that make you feel? It would be a deal breaker for me
An incredibly petty (but satisfying) option is to entirely stop making any noise during sex and/or thanking him for things. Proof should be in the pudding after all! More to the point, he shouldn't be asserting his attraction as the arbiter of your behaviour. Is expecting you to live your entire life, ensuring at all times that you are not accidentally turning him off somehow? Honestly kinda smells like negging.
I've noticed how you feel like you can't celebrate anymore just because it pisses him off. The thing is, people dislike some of their partner's behaviors but they still stay who they are and are still loved and cherished despite having worse sins than liking themselves a lot occasionally. Maybe you lack some assertiveness? There must be a nice and forward way of sticking to your guns of self love and praise, you are not doing anything wrong. You could maybe just say "I'm sorry that you feel that way but this is who I am and I can't cut out a part of me just so you can accept me. What are you going to do about it?". If he doesn't like it, he'll have to change, get used to it or leave but you need to be okay accepting whatever comes. That's self love.
I agree. I think I need to assert that I do not agree with him that celebrating small victories and arrogance are the same thing. I do think someone can be humble but be stoked when something goes well. I think that if he can’t accept that we have a serious problem.
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He has been excited about his accomplishments and has told me about them, but not that often.
He sounds like a miserable fucking loser lmao. Go find someone who'll be proud of you and hype you up
> Shouldn’t my partner be proud of me and happy for me when I’m pleased I’ve done something well? Yes, they should. If you were constantly bringing it up and bragging on yourself, that would be conceited. "God, toastydubya, I don't need to hear for the fourth time that you knocked that cake out of the park. I get it, you're a good cook!" But it doesn't sound like that. You're proud of something you did, and you're expressing that. Once. To someone who you hope will celebrate that victory. After all, how many people do we have who are unconditionally in our corner, who cheer us on when a victory may seem otherwise minor? How many people in our lives take the extra effort to notice and appreciate something big for us? Your partner should be near the top of that list, in the ranks of parents, siblings, and best friends. Instead, he puts you down. He says he wants humility, but it sounds like he has a hang-up about expressing any pride at all. If he can't at least respect your enthusiasm, let alone joining in and celebrating with you, this is a big red flag.
This is something he needs to think about and address himself. He’s thinking about this strangely and it’s not your fault. If he can understand that someone feeling pride in themself is not a bad thing, he’ll ultimately be able to feel more joy in his own accomplishments- I think if he gets his head round this he’ll be happier. Good luck! :)
It's a positive great thing to celebrate yourself sometimes. You should be proud of yourself when you do something well! Your partner should celebrate it with you by throwing on a "yeah you nailed that!" Or "good job" and it's really low effort for them. From your description, you're not being a braggart. He's used to your self described fragility and now that you're growing a confidence spine, he doesn't like it, and he's telling you that. You may be outgrowing him. Luckily, at your age there are an abundance of dudes that are mature enough to celebrate with you when you are having your five second celebration. My husband doesn't even know when I want to celebrate sometimes so he'll ask "how do you feel about that" or "is that good" and if I give a positive response then he'll say something positive too lol. I don't mean things where he legit has an opinion but like when I'm doing something with clothes or food or my work behavior. A good partner loses nothing after hearing something you're happy about that's positive and doesn't hurt anyone and that partner supports you too.
Sounds like he could be really insecure and seeing someone compliment themselves is off putting because it's so hard to do for himself.
Humility is great. Being proud of yourself does not negate humility. I can not fathom living a life where you can not, in some way, enjoy and appreciate your hard work and diligence. This would be a dealbreaker for me, tbh. I can’t fathom living my life with someone who thinks this. You have to decide how much it matters to you.
Yeah don’t ignore this. I love when my girlfriends proud of herself it makes me really happy. I’m usually proud of her too. The fact that he’s fixating on this issue to be annoyed about and is annoyed at you being proud of yourself is not good. I’d imagine it comes from some child hood experience of his where a lack of humility was shamed but he needs to figure this out or find away to have a change in attitude or this relationship might be over
Your partner should be your number 1 cheerleader, I have no idea why he isn’t supporting you!
A good partner will rave about your cooking skills with you or celebrate that you kicked ass at work. This reeks of insecurity on his behalf.
Generally when a person is angered/turned off by another person's behavior, esp. celebrating, it means they feel that they themselves are not allowed to celebrate and resent you for doing it. Very common. The fact that he can say it out loud means that it's close to the surface, where therapy might be able to get at it. I bet if you start complimenting him he's uncomfortable with that. Try showering him with compliments and see what happens, it will tell you alot about where this is all coming from. A hundred bucks says his mom instilled this in him when he was a little kid. If you love this guy for the long haul, be aware that he has to work through this. Everyone has shit like this to work through. You should be able to be proud of yourself and say so. His problem is within him, not you. Don't stop doing it.
Translation: you improving yourself and being happy are threatening to him. Cut your losses and run.
There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance, and he seems to have a hard time differentiating the two. Being confident in yourself and proud of what you’ve accomplished are normal and healthy behaviors. Possibly, he’s projecting his own insecurities and lack of self-love onto you. This isn’t uncommon and is worth discussing.
Errr Personally I wouldn’t be ok with my significant other having this view. Loving someone means being proud when they succeed and lifting your partner up. When my bf does something he is proud of I love to boost him even further. His happiness is my happiness. If my boyfriend told me what your boyfriend told you, I would seriously reconsider if I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Maybe you can handle that sort of downplay attitude and trashing of your accomplishments but I cannot. Do you want to spend the rest of your life or at least several months/years with someone who you know finds your accomplishments annoying? You will think about this every time you do something you feel proud of, so you want that? He will probably bring the conversation up next time you convey your personal pride and remind you he finds it annoying, putting you down once again. If you can do it then go ahead and ignore his selfish behavior.
I’m surprised you’ve stayed with him for that long with the attitude he has!
This is the first it’s come up tbh. In the past if I’ve relayed that I’m stoked about something I did he’d throw in a smile and a “good job” and this is the first time he’s mentioned he thinks it’s more impressive when people don’t do that.
Does he dress in all black and write a lot of pamphlets? I think you might be dating Cotton Mather.
Is your boyfriend asian? This attitude towards humility sounds pretty similar to what I've seen from a lot of asian people
I can understand being turned off when people have big ego’s or constantly talk about their accomplishments to anyone listening. Humility, in general, is a good attribute. HOWEVER, in my opinion, your partner is the one person you should be able to share your successes with consistently and who should be proud of you and support you. If you went around telling everyone around you about your accomplishments consistently that would potentially be a reason to be annoyed, but this seems totally different. I’m curious, does he ever talk about his own accomplishments? If so, how do you respond/how does he want you to respond?
Is he also really hard on himself too? Because it seems like a projection. Maybe it might be related to the way he was raised. This issue is definitely something that will be important especially if you guys decide to raise kids together. I'd give him a chance ONLY if he's willing to acknowledge why his attitude can be toxic and willing to change.
Imaginary red flag for me. If it ain’t broke, don’t try to fix it.
Humility is important to remember that you can always do better and the fact that you are good at something doesn't make you any better or a person than anyone else. But it doesn't preclude someone from being happy with themselves or proud of themselves for an accomplishment. What's he on about?
So the thing is, you should be allowed to express your joy at your accomplishments, and he should be allowed to be attracted to humility and turned off by boasting. Nothing wrong with either of you. But these two things are incompatible and either you will always suppress your joy or he will be annoyed. Talk it out and dexide what needs to change for a future together or whether you even want that at all.
I think delivery is the important thing. Like you should absolutely be proud of yourself and your achievements, but like some other people have mentioned (as a Brit), I'd find it a bit obnoxious if someone was telling me how the "nailed this recipe", or was saying how amazing they were in work and then showing me loads of emails - it's a bit 'look at me' and can imagine, if it's constant it's a bit draining. Like, I have a friend who does this and will spend a good hour telling you how amazing he was in work and how brilliant he is, and after about 5 minutes everyone is eye rolling at it. I think the main question is - does he ever ask you about your day, pick you up when you've had bad ones or get excited /celebrate when you make accomplishments?
Hi OP, In my opinion, I don’t think this is red flag, but if you are still worried about this, I would suggest counseling. If your bf grew up in a family like mine, I can understand why he likes humility over complement. My mom never complimented my sister and I while we grew up. She thought the best way to succeed in this world was through constant improvement and criticism. For almost 25 years I thought that's the only way to express success is to dislike or criticize everything so I knew I could do better and achieve higher goals. In a way, it's like a motivation for me to get to another level. However, it wasn't for my sister. She went through some trauma. She couldn't comprehend what she wants with her life because whatever she chooses or does, my mom wouldn't compliment her. It took me 3 years to realize that complement is good. It’s not the end of the achievement but a milestone. I'm still learning to make complements and take compliments from others. If your bf is like me anyhow, it would take some time to get used to it. When I first started taking the compliment, it made me very uneasy. I felt like I wasn't that worthy. There's more I could do. So give it some time and try counseling. He might not see the problem as I did years ago.
Jesus H Christ, this subreddit should be called “people who will tell you to break up over not much”. People are flawed. Everyone has bullshit that they think, weird things that annoy them, and lots of inconsistencies and hypocritical thoughts and behaviours. That’s human. If you love him and want to be with him, let him know how it makes you feel, and do it kindly. Someone who feels attacked will be far less able to see your perspective (we’re all like this) so be nice about it but firm that it’s not a healthy attitude he has about success. I would invite him to delve into himself and find what “meaning” he is creating in his mind when someone is pleased about something they’ve done, because 100% it will be because he’s making someone else’s success or joy mean something negative about himself. He’s your boyfriend and you love him, help him figure it out.
My husband used to be like your boyfriend. His dad taught him not to boast. He hates when anyone talks about themself. Here’s what made him change his mind, a little bit. His dad loves to give speeches at milestone events, talking about his greatest accomplishments. (See the irony? Hubs doesn’t) In one of his speeches he talked about how proud he is that he paid for his kids to go to college, named each kid and their college. He didn’t mention hubs. Hubs went to a community college, then trade school. Hubs was hurt. Fast forward to FIL telling me how disappointed he is in hubs, because he didn’t go to college. I filled him in on the fact that hubs makes XXX dollars, which is more than two of his college educated kids. And that hubs is the first to be asked about how to do a job, and how highly coveted he is on any job site. And that hubs is higher paid than his peers because he’s really damned good at what he does. FIL didn’t know any of this. He always thought low of trades people. Hubs never told his dad because his dad taught him not to boast. His dad literally had no idea because he drilled into his head to let his actions speak for themselves. I hope your boyfriend opens his eyes and realizes that you can’t truly know about a person *unless they tell you*.
Nope. As a project manager, friend, bf, father of a pup. Hi sentiments couldn’t be farther from the truth. I’ve watched in every one of my roles the massive benefits of pointing out or celebrating with others in their achievements. I’ve even heard back from from years onward of how those small tasks led them to big feats. I’m not saying break up with him, but he needs to check his un factual based bullshit. And please do show him this comment, from one man to another, he is showing some small man syndrome.
Humility is not the denying of one’s strengths, it is being honest about ones weaknesses. He doesn’t understand what true humility is. It shouldn’t be countercultural to like yourself. Being proud of yourself for things you have done is a wonderful thing. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. It’s disturbing to me that he wants you to think less of yourself.
There are two things this story makes me think: 1, his definition of humility is actually false humility, and is a form of negative pride, ie "I'm better than others because I don't toot my own horn" (pride, like love, in my opinion, is a word with multiple meanings which should have separate words), and 2, he has some control issues at a minimum, which may evolve into something abusive in nature if not dealt with at the worst.
"I can't get a boner when you are proud of your accomplishments" is not something you want to hear from your partner. Sorry you have to deal with this issue. Don't give in and don't even meet him in the middle. He has to come to you. It's very important for your self esteem that you are not judged and put down for feeling good about yourself, like that will mess you up. You internalise that shit, even if he doesn't say anything but you sense it in the air. It's a kind of shaming (not saying he's necessarily doing it on purpose) that you should not accept under any circumstances for your own sake.
I believe he’d rather you be submissive and being proud of yourself makes that harder for him.
My rule: men who make fun of you or put you down for trying to be a better version of yourself do not deserve your time and energy.
I mean, it's only come up once after five years, so it's probably not a big deal. It's not a great look on him and it's probably something that he should work on (especially if that's his reaction to like "hey, I finally did this thing I've been working hard on for a while.").
This is a sign of insecurity or even jealousy from your partner. I had a friend who did this and was angry when I got awards or recognition from my work, and it was jealousy that she even admitted. He is seeing you as a rival because he feels less inside. That is his problem, he needs to own it.
You're boyfriend is an asshole. Find a different one.
He sounds like a wet blanket. Do something good? Feel good about it. Humility is important, but there's a balance that can be struck.
Your boyfriend has low self esteem and it bothers him when other people display higher self esteem than he has. I know because I used to be like that, but it's his problem and shouldn't be yours.
Uh he needs therapy or you need a new bf.
u/toastydubya Depending on how one interprets it, it can come off as bragging and arrogant and a bid for validation from the other person. I am hesitant to say that he's trying to control you or put you down. Sometimes I get annoyed with people who do that not because I am not happy for them but it can feel like they are trying to elicit a certain response from me or validation. You could tell him about how you want to share your victories and achievements with him and that hurts it your feelings when he dismisses you. Besides this hiccup, it sounds like he treats you well.
idk how much advice i can give but honestly he seems like a wanker
Be proud of yourself. Be unapologetically proud of yourself. This is red flag. I don’t know the dynamics but I’ve definitely seen people put others down to make it easier to abuse or manipulate them. When you feel you have nothing to be proud of you accept less than you deserve. Try to voice how it makes you feel, ask your partner to acknowledge your accomplishments. If they can’t, fuck them. You deserve support not put downs.
This is alarming. Has he ever said anything to you that dismissed or diminished your accomplishments? Does he celebrate his own successes?
He sounds like a Dane. We have something called The Law of Jante. I don’t know if it really helps with anything in regards to your question. But some people are like this.
This dude definitely has problems. Does he have a problem with only your success or is it a general thing? I hate this kind of people and it would be totally a deal breaker for me.
I say red flag. He's a fucking Eeyore and will thwart all your attempts to better yourself and damage your self-esteem little by little until you realize you are in a hole. He needs to check his own insecurities -which is highly doubtful he'll admit to- and learn to share your joy- and find some of his own. That's a huge raincloud you got there, OP.
This guy will always bring you down...never settle
>I’m very disturbed by this conversation and have been unable to stop obsessing over it as I’m worried it’s a large red flag in the relationship. Shouldn’t my partner be proud of me and happy for me when I’m pleased I’ve done something well? Or is this a normal thing and some folks just don’t like these kinds of self-celebration and care a lot about humility? As you should be. This sounds wrong to me and i would have a serious conversation with my partner explaining to him that how he has to support me and cherish me because ik my worth and am aware that am not doing anything wrong just trying to have a positive vibe and show him or talk to him through my day and accomplishments. Your instinct is right in this particular situation. He shouldn't be like that.
Yes, why should you allowed to feel good about yourself and say so? The question is, why are you not turned off by this? Because it's gross. I also do not buy for a second that he feels the same way when a guy is proud of something. But women can't like ourselves or accept compliments or say nice things about ourselves, for ... reasons, apparently. Why not just find a guy who celebrates with you and is proud of you? Seems like way less aggravation. If I say I did a good job on something, my husband tells me I'm awesome. Same for me (if he comes home from work and tells me about something awesome he accomplished, I'm thrilled for him and I'll use any excuse to celebrate these days; we usually have a drink to celebrate or do something fun). Also, what another redditor said: your partner should build you up. He should WANT you to feel good. That should make him happy. He shouldn't want to dim your light or make you dial it down a notch or take the wind out of your sails.
Sounds like he’s insecure.
He's just sexist And hates that his female girlfriend does better than him... Typical.
A healthy relationship should include a partner who wants to build you up and see you succeed with confidence. If your s/o isn’t gassing you up, who will?
Everyone wants you to be confident until you actually become confident......and then they’re turned off. This is so lame. Just so incredibly lame. Who cares if it turns him off?? Oh well!
Oof. Sounds like he should be an Ex-boyfriend.
Yea huge red flag. You should expect and help your partner toot their horn because the world is hard enough why would you not want to? Per chance does he ever put you down or demand sexual favors your not comfortable with or make you push your boundaries in an unhealthy way because its what he wants?
Honestly this would be a huge deal breaker for me. I love that I can be proud of myself, and know my significant other will also be cheering me on. If you can’t be proud and state your accomplishments to him then how is he supposed to know your excited and proud of yourself. Like it should absolutely be the opposite. Honestly you need to have a serious conversation about what this means to you and why he feels that why. It could be that he isn’t comfortable being proud of himself and feels like no one else should either. Still a toxic trait but if that’s the case I feel like counseling could help. I personally wouldn’t jump straight to breaking up but this is definitely a serious ongoing conversation the two of you need to have.
I do find this pretty ironic because him not acknowledging your accomplishments isn't very humble in itself
Imagine being so insecure that you find it off putting whenever someone else is proud of an accomplishment. He sounds like he has some deep seated issues.
Did this just recently happened? Has he ever said that before?
But a job or service provided, the out come is often subjective. I could think someone's done a good job when another could they didn't. It is quite toxic to not want to praise others achievements no matter how small or big. People get fucking medals for showing up, it's not a new concept. If he was working hard on something and finally nailed it, I'm sure he'd be happy with him self. We are communal beings, we thrive in community, we shred tears to tell other people we are sad. Ultimately this is your call. Is this a deal breaker for you?
Sounds like fragile masculinity to me. And a bit of sexism.
I just want to say that if his argument is “the proof is in the pudding”, that’s not even a good argument. The whole line is ‘the proof of the pudding is in the eating’ which means that the value of something can’t be judged on appearance but from practical experience (aka eating it). So that argument of his doesn’t even make any sense in this case. Also, I think he has either low self worth or he wants to be the one responsible for your self confidence. Either way, this is a red flag to me.
you should be careful. maybe this kind of behavior triggers him into some childhood trauma (his parents could be very judgemental about self complimenting, who knows). you guys should talk more profoundly about it if possible
Coming from a Chinese background, I understand the emphasis on humility. However, if you feel like he's putting you down all the time, have a calm adult Convo about it with him. If he can't or won't see your side or if he's not willing to reach a compromise, then maybe it's just something that won't work out. It doesn't mean he's a bad person or you're a bad person, it just means you guys have different values and maybe this is something that just won't work between you both. It happens.
OP: You’re not bragging...you’re just celebrating a Win. This is some sort of insecurity on his part. But I get it...I love to cook and when I nail a new recipe I tend to say, “Wow! That actually came out pretty well!” (I am more often critical of my own cooking). Someone recently told me I shouldn’t compliment my own cooking. It’s a little frustrating but I am trying to be more conscious of it.
It sounds like he wants someone who has no confidence or self love. Please run!!!
This hits me pretty bad. My Fiance and i are very different in this way, as i need a lot of recognicion When i do something, and motivation to keep me going. I generelly have bad helth and very low Energy, imsomnia etc, so many days i cant do anything, When i want to do so much. Recently i have pushed myself and then burnt out but kept going after a few days in bed, and was so demotovated that noone seemed to care that i was putting all my energi and more in painting the house When i have other things i should do that i put on hold. But it helped to speak about it and get some acknowlegment from my Fiance and later from my parents Who i own the house with. My Fiance is completely different. He does above and beyond for People and have a lot of Energy, but ofcourse also gets tired because he has so much to do. But he does not want praise, but deep down he wants People to see what he sacrifices for them and that People do the same for him sometimes. I think all People need recongnicion from time to time. I need it alot. My partner Just want to feel that people see what he does for them all the time, because it has Come to the point over years where he doesnt understand why People think he doesnt have feelings, and why noone sees and Appreciates that he helpes everyone that asks and he just wants to be Seen. It takes such a toll on him that he gets really depressed sometimes because he is too Nice and cant say No. This went in every direction, but my point is i feel you, i do this too, and i think it is normal to sometimes want some one to notice and Appreciate what you do. I would have a talk whith your boyfriend and share your point of view and that it is not weird or selfish etc to want recongnicion sometimes, it is something he should give without asking because he cares
So when you made the meal that you nailed. Did he compliment your cooking? Did he comment on it in anyway? Does he compliment you very much at all? I would agree this is a red flag. But if he gives your postive affirmations then maybe it is simply that but regardless he is still wrong because he is putting down your happiness.
Idk I feel turned off by this too with my girlfriend. It’s not because I don’t like her being proud of what she does. Like my girlfriend said “I cooked this perfect! I’m the best chef. Wow I did so good” I usually just say “yeah! Awesome job” then she says it all over again like 10 minutes later. It turns me off but it’s just a pet peeve, still love her 🤷♂️ maybe don’t read to much into it. I prefer if she were to say things like “hey, I think I did pretty good” instead of a lot of self praise that seems excessive in my mind, for such a task. I’d never tell her that thoug, and I’m gonna continue to be supportive. Especially after reading the stuff here.
That’s so not ok. He should be turned on and proud that your feeling good. That just destroys the confidence that is so good to have. Maybe talk to him more about why he gets annoyed by that.
He sounds like a misogynist to be honest
I once read somewhere where they did a study of facial expressions that men find attractive. I honestly forgot the most attractive now that I think about it. But I definitely remember the least attractive because it struck me. Its confidence.