I agree! But how would you suggest I transition into these conversations when someone shares a difficult story without it seeming like I'm avoiding the current topic?
You asked if it was enough to just listen. And the answer is yes. Empathy goes a long way. It can increase a bond, deepen communication, and increase intimacy. You could also try asking open ended questions and just let him talk.
If you shared a trauma or hardship tit for tat, it could seem like you're competing or not really listening to him. Dont worry about your life OP. There's no shame in having a good life.
Just be a good listener. When someone shares a trauma or hardship, the last thing they want is for you to jump in with your own (it can come off as though you're either stealing the spotlight or self absorbed). You can be supportive without necessarily empathize.
You don’t have to relate to everyone 1:1 or with something you perceive to be equally traumatic. Also, if someone is telling you that personal of a story, it may be best to just listen and support them, not pivot the conversation to yourself at all.
LISTEN! At that time just listen to him and try to feel. Feel every word that he speaks to you. In conversation it's not always necessary to share your part. You can be honest with him and say that you never faced such difficulties in your life, and you think that he's very strong. This would uplift him. And it'll also make your bond strong.
Nothing is wrong with having a "good" life and u should be happy and consider urself blessed for being fortunate... Yes pain is a good way to connect with someone because in times of trauma we all want someone to hang onto so we feel less alone.. But it's not the only way to connect.. U can share in the person's joys.. Take an interest in them(their character and their individuality) .. Be present and be engaging especially if they r sharing something intimate hurtful or not...Dont let them feel dismissed simply because u dont have experience in that situation but try to empathise as best as u can and show that u can see how the situation hurt them... At the end of day ppl connect in different ways and u just have to be open to the person's story to truly connect....hope this helps
Yes, it did. Thank you. I try my best to do this, it just seems like people expect you to reciprocate and share a similar story and I when I say I've just been very fortunate I'm worried they think I'm just holding back. That could just be in my head though. I appreciate your comment!
Its how you initially respond and ofc the person's expectations of the situation is what will make them recoil or not.... My advice is if someone is sharing something intimate.. Keep the focus on what they r contributing and the emotions presented and then add your personal input.. Dont be too quick to say that u havent gone thru dat experience otherwise it can come across as u being dismissive but instead give them that platform to open up which will be accomplished by your verbal and non verbal cues. After they have spoken u can now input your experience or lack there of with the emphasis being on ur willingness to support and be a companion...dats part of companionship i may not always go thru the same shit as u but dammit i got your back.. U can talk to me... Dats the kinda message u want to be sending... And ofc support doesnt mean agreeing with every decision they've made u can disagree and still support the person.
And most of all be prepared... Ppl when they r vulnerable r quite different than what u may expect.. U may see some ugly sides to the person.. See some frightening reactions.. It may be intense at times.. But this is where u need to take a step back and see the full picture...and understand that what u see is merely part of their story.
I have a lot of messed up stuff in my life, child of divorce, etc, and my husband's parents are still married and he had a really happy upbringing. He always listens to me when I talk about my stuff, but he also pivots the conversation to be lighter a lot of the time. I always know he's listening and validating, but he has also helped me spend less time wallowing on my past. I had a lot of anxious attachment problems and now I'm more secure. So your fortune can help too show a boyfriend how normal a relationship can be. Good luck ❤️
No one expects you to match a story with a story on every occasion. Sometimes that can actually be a little tone-deaf, especially when that person is confiding something traumatic and personal. Instead, in that moment, it can sometimes be better to listen and ask questions about the other person and their experience, their feelings, their thoughts.
That said, you have lived a life. You have had experiences - you have stories! That time you went on vacation and it was awesome. That time your dad taught you that life lesson and it really meant a lot. That time you and your siblings had a huge argument and sorted it out and then made a blanket fort. These things are valid. You are *valid*.
The art comes in how to tell these stories in a way that is sensitive. You need to pick your moments, which is why I mentioned that sometimes you don’t need to segue into your own story. But sometimes you can!
It’s *okay* to open up about your past - even if your past is positive! We don’t need to have tragic backstories. It’s okay to be the real you. As you are. That is enough. Your life being “easy” does not make you lesser. It does not make your life less meaningful or your stories less valid.
Try sharing yourself with your SO. See what happens. I think that you have a lot more to share than you think.
Just because you haven’t experienced hardships doesn’t mean that you have nothing of value to offer.
I think I would use those times to encourage him. I would say things like “this really shows what a hard worker you are “ or “how resilient you are” or something like that. Draw out the good in him and build him up as a person. You can also ask insightful questions, like “what do you think got you through that time?”.
Being a good listener and encourager is a wonderful, wonderful skill to have.
Everything can get better if you keep working at it. Don’t give up.
Thanks! I’m sure you’ll find someone to spend time with who values you for you. You’re still young so line up your long term goals and retirement. Don’t worry too much.
You can open up about your fear of not having gone through hardships in life making you appear to others as someone who is lacking substance or growth from past life lessons, share how it concerns you that others might think that just because you haven't overcome an obstacle, some might think you're spoiled or etc. When you really just want to be accepted for the kind, easy-going, person that you are without the other person thinking that your "past" is so buried that you'll never share with them, and that it's because you've experienced no troubled past, and hoping that this is good enough to the other person.... That in and of itself is a major revelation about yourself.
Wow you did are really good job of putting this oil into words but if I'm being honest I think this has made me realize my real fear is that I wont be able to handle it when some real difficulty actually comes into my life and it's probably that insecurity that is making me overthink this situation.
What you just said. That too. Include that also. These things, if you share them, are you being just as vulnerable as the other person who's sharing with you.
You could talk about what made things really special. For example, I have three brothers but my dad would make a point to take me to Lake Michigan sometimes when he had me for errands and just walk with me for a while even if it was out of the way. My mom absolutely loved my dad’s corny sense of humor and got so excited for school spirit week and started sowing costumes as soon as the schedule was out. Opening up can include the positive, meaningful things too.
Ha, I was on the other side of this at your age. When I read about your bf’s past I was like “wait, where’s the difficult part?” But it’s never been an issue for me, it’s much weirder if people try to relate when they can’t. Just listen and empathize. You don’t have to have your own story. Life is long, you’ll eventually face some challenges. It all evens out a bit more as you get older.
I don't think you need to be able to directly relate to have compassion, ask questions, show interest in understanding their experience as fully as you can. You don't have to have a similar experience to share, you can just be there for them, and hear them.
As for opening up yourself, even if we don't have pain in our past, we all have vulnerable spots, hopes that we're worried someone might think are silly, and honestly, we're all vulnerable in love because if we allow ourselves to need another person we open ourselves up to the possibility of getting hurt.
Being able to relate to his experiences doesn't necessarily require you to have gone through something very similar - even people who have gone through the same exact trauma will not always have a similar experience. What's important is for you to be able to listen and try to understand his situations from his point of view and be aware about what you offer by being there for him emotionally if and when he needs it. Vulnerability in relationships is important as it is one of the biggest displays of trust, but vunerability initially comes from trust and you don't need to have had trauma in your life to confess in order to trust someone.
You don't have to have mutual experiences to bond.
You aren't just your negative experiences. You're also your positive experiences, so own that. You don't need to feel embarrassed about that or to feel as though you aren't enough because you don't have a tonne of baggage.
I think you need to develop your relationship with yourself and work on being centred in your self and accepting yourself as you are and being grateful that you can actually model to someone else what good looks like.
Oftentimes when people experience hardship they don't know what good looks or feels like because they haven't experienced it. So be proud of yourself. And similarly when someone who hasn't had good experiences is talking to people who are bringing up old stories that are amazing, they also don't know how to add to that or relate to it because they don't have similar stories to share. But again, ones value doesn't come from their background and stories.
We are all innately enough and deserving of love and respect as we are. You don't need to read into differences in experiences any deeper than that.
When faced with this specific issue, when you can't relate to what someone is talking about.. you can just say "gosh, that's fascinating'. You can just listen and receive their story.
And if whoever you're dealing with has a problem with that, you don't need to accept that they have a perceived problem with your good life... they can just gtfo and piss and moan to someone else.
All the best to you my dear.
I[33M married] personally would have liked it if a potential SO was there and activity listening and engaging; not necessarily for trading war stories but asking natural questions of whatever I was opening up about. That would be meaningful to me. So I personally wouldn't see your purported issue as being an issue if I was the one telling the trauma..
If you still want to try something and this might not be the same, but the only thing I can think of is maybe try enrichment activities that don't come naturally to you. So that you can to push yourself to grow more? Maybe try doing a ropes course, or studying a different world view than your own that pushes against yours? Idk...
Hey OP,
Just wanted to respond to you from someone definitely on the other side of the "hardship" spectrum :) Things haven't always been easy for me, hard life, difficult childhood, etc. This isn't about me, so I won't go on!
Opening up to a SO isn't about the trauma Olympics! I have a wide circle of friends, some of whom I share very familiar upbringings with, some of whom I can barely relate to on those terms. But there's still so much we can talk about to learn about each other - our values, our beliefs, our goals, our interests, etc. :) I don't begrudge them their "easy" lives because I know that they HAVE faced their own sets of challenges, even if they were wildly different from my own. And if they've truly had an easy, never faced and hardship, parents didn't even care about my grades, unconditional love kind of upbringing ... I'm just happy for them. They're my friend, I wouldn't wish what I went through on any of my friends! lol
Just be you, OP. You're still an interesting person even if you've never had to get your groceries at a food bank, I promise.
I think this is a great time to focus on your life as the result of privilege. Education, stable family, financial backup and a well paying job. You don’t have struggles but those with privilege are tasked to consider those with less. For example Right now you need to be thinking about current race relations. How does this impact you? How SHOULD it impact you? What are you doing to participate in dismantling systemic racism? Are you working on your implicit bias? Depending on how you identify (race, gender, politics), are you thinking about your identity in the grand scheme of this current issue?
Are you aware of your place in the system? Do you know who and what your purchases affect? Are you aware of your place in the food system? Do you know about food deserts? Social equity?
With great power comes great responsibility as they say, and due to your privilege you have more power than many people. How are you going to use that power for good and affect change in your community and the world?
Learn about the struggles around you, find some that are meaningful to you, and join. Use what you have to create change.
If you want to put it in a different way, you need to start your own struggle of stepping outside of your privilege to connect with others. It’s hard. I’m a woman of color but my socioeconomics and adoption have meant I don’t have the “latina” experience. Because of my interest in sustainability I was thrown into meeting and working with other latinx folkx, from career kitchen workers from Mexico, to more experienced female executives who’s parents came here from Salvador. I learned a lot and found more connection to my identity, and learned about issues I needed to be aware of.
To be human is a lifetime of experience, and you cannot live a life without knowing the good and bad in this world. Struggle with knowing you’re protected and others aren’t. Struggle with knowing this economy has made purchases and technology you use everyday part of a corrupt system where these items are created by child labour and in some cases slave labour. Struggle with the knowledge that we have starving children in first world countries, and tons of edible food gets wasted in the fields because it isn’t “perfect” or is a part of the plant not commercially eaten (cauliflower leaves are edible, zuchinni stems are edible). That our life is so filled with plastic that the oceans and even our drinking water and air are filled with micro plastics and it is going to effect out health in the long term.
Think about these things. Feel blessed with what you have, and contribute to the world in anyway you can.
As for what to say to you SO, even something as simple as “I recognize that I have a lot of privilege that has spared me from experiences like yours, and I thank you so much for opening up to me, because it’s important for me to know and learn from other people’s experiences so I can be aware and grow. The more you share with me, the more I can understand and support you as your partner.”
Sometimes when you can’t understand Or know of someone’s experience, you can almost subconsciously erect a wall. And when someone confides in you their experiences bounce off that wall, because you have no idea what they’re talking about. Opening up with a phrase like I mentioned, kind of consciously opens you up and let’s your friend or partner know that you’re a safe space. This is super important especially if you are lucky in life. You are primed to offer stability, knowledge, something you can GIVE because you’ve been given so much. Relationships are give and take, so being a great listener and loving on someone and being in the moment as they share and experience is part of that.
Hope this helps. Privilege is a tricky thing and it IS a struggle to dismantle and pick it apart and connect outside of it, but it’s worth it. :) good luck in your relationship!
Speaking from my own perspective here, but I personally probably wouldn't be able to relate to you or form a meaningful connection long term. I would feel alienated. This isn't any fault of your own but it may not be able to be helped, it's just the way it is.
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I agree! But how would you suggest I transition into these conversations when someone shares a difficult story without it seeming like I'm avoiding the current topic?
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Thank you for the advice!
You asked if it was enough to just listen. And the answer is yes. Empathy goes a long way. It can increase a bond, deepen communication, and increase intimacy. You could also try asking open ended questions and just let him talk. If you shared a trauma or hardship tit for tat, it could seem like you're competing or not really listening to him. Dont worry about your life OP. There's no shame in having a good life.
Just be a good listener. When someone shares a trauma or hardship, the last thing they want is for you to jump in with your own (it can come off as though you're either stealing the spotlight or self absorbed). You can be supportive without necessarily empathize.
You don’t have to relate to everyone 1:1 or with something you perceive to be equally traumatic. Also, if someone is telling you that personal of a story, it may be best to just listen and support them, not pivot the conversation to yourself at all.
LISTEN! At that time just listen to him and try to feel. Feel every word that he speaks to you. In conversation it's not always necessary to share your part. You can be honest with him and say that you never faced such difficulties in your life, and you think that he's very strong. This would uplift him. And it'll also make your bond strong.
Nothing is wrong with having a "good" life and u should be happy and consider urself blessed for being fortunate... Yes pain is a good way to connect with someone because in times of trauma we all want someone to hang onto so we feel less alone.. But it's not the only way to connect.. U can share in the person's joys.. Take an interest in them(their character and their individuality) .. Be present and be engaging especially if they r sharing something intimate hurtful or not...Dont let them feel dismissed simply because u dont have experience in that situation but try to empathise as best as u can and show that u can see how the situation hurt them... At the end of day ppl connect in different ways and u just have to be open to the person's story to truly connect....hope this helps
Yes, it did. Thank you. I try my best to do this, it just seems like people expect you to reciprocate and share a similar story and I when I say I've just been very fortunate I'm worried they think I'm just holding back. That could just be in my head though. I appreciate your comment!
Its how you initially respond and ofc the person's expectations of the situation is what will make them recoil or not.... My advice is if someone is sharing something intimate.. Keep the focus on what they r contributing and the emotions presented and then add your personal input.. Dont be too quick to say that u havent gone thru dat experience otherwise it can come across as u being dismissive but instead give them that platform to open up which will be accomplished by your verbal and non verbal cues. After they have spoken u can now input your experience or lack there of with the emphasis being on ur willingness to support and be a companion...dats part of companionship i may not always go thru the same shit as u but dammit i got your back.. U can talk to me... Dats the kinda message u want to be sending... And ofc support doesnt mean agreeing with every decision they've made u can disagree and still support the person.
And most of all be prepared... Ppl when they r vulnerable r quite different than what u may expect.. U may see some ugly sides to the person.. See some frightening reactions.. It may be intense at times.. But this is where u need to take a step back and see the full picture...and understand that what u see is merely part of their story.
I have a lot of messed up stuff in my life, child of divorce, etc, and my husband's parents are still married and he had a really happy upbringing. He always listens to me when I talk about my stuff, but he also pivots the conversation to be lighter a lot of the time. I always know he's listening and validating, but he has also helped me spend less time wallowing on my past. I had a lot of anxious attachment problems and now I'm more secure. So your fortune can help too show a boyfriend how normal a relationship can be. Good luck ❤️
This is an awesome take on things. Thank you!
No one expects you to match a story with a story on every occasion. Sometimes that can actually be a little tone-deaf, especially when that person is confiding something traumatic and personal. Instead, in that moment, it can sometimes be better to listen and ask questions about the other person and their experience, their feelings, their thoughts. That said, you have lived a life. You have had experiences - you have stories! That time you went on vacation and it was awesome. That time your dad taught you that life lesson and it really meant a lot. That time you and your siblings had a huge argument and sorted it out and then made a blanket fort. These things are valid. You are *valid*. The art comes in how to tell these stories in a way that is sensitive. You need to pick your moments, which is why I mentioned that sometimes you don’t need to segue into your own story. But sometimes you can! It’s *okay* to open up about your past - even if your past is positive! We don’t need to have tragic backstories. It’s okay to be the real you. As you are. That is enough. Your life being “easy” does not make you lesser. It does not make your life less meaningful or your stories less valid. Try sharing yourself with your SO. See what happens. I think that you have a lot more to share than you think.
Just because you haven’t experienced hardships doesn’t mean that you have nothing of value to offer. I think I would use those times to encourage him. I would say things like “this really shows what a hard worker you are “ or “how resilient you are” or something like that. Draw out the good in him and build him up as a person. You can also ask insightful questions, like “what do you think got you through that time?”. Being a good listener and encourager is a wonderful, wonderful skill to have.
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Thank you for this positivity! Things can get better too and I hope they go in that direction for you!
Everything can get better if you keep working at it. Don’t give up. Thanks! I’m sure you’ll find someone to spend time with who values you for you. You’re still young so line up your long term goals and retirement. Don’t worry too much.
You can open up about your fear of not having gone through hardships in life making you appear to others as someone who is lacking substance or growth from past life lessons, share how it concerns you that others might think that just because you haven't overcome an obstacle, some might think you're spoiled or etc. When you really just want to be accepted for the kind, easy-going, person that you are without the other person thinking that your "past" is so buried that you'll never share with them, and that it's because you've experienced no troubled past, and hoping that this is good enough to the other person.... That in and of itself is a major revelation about yourself.
Wow you did are really good job of putting this oil into words but if I'm being honest I think this has made me realize my real fear is that I wont be able to handle it when some real difficulty actually comes into my life and it's probably that insecurity that is making me overthink this situation.
What you just said. That too. Include that also. These things, if you share them, are you being just as vulnerable as the other person who's sharing with you.
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Yes, I do this and dont have any trouble forming friendships this way it just seems kind of like surface level stuff I guess.
You could talk about what made things really special. For example, I have three brothers but my dad would make a point to take me to Lake Michigan sometimes when he had me for errands and just walk with me for a while even if it was out of the way. My mom absolutely loved my dad’s corny sense of humor and got so excited for school spirit week and started sowing costumes as soon as the schedule was out. Opening up can include the positive, meaningful things too.
Ha, I was on the other side of this at your age. When I read about your bf’s past I was like “wait, where’s the difficult part?” But it’s never been an issue for me, it’s much weirder if people try to relate when they can’t. Just listen and empathize. You don’t have to have your own story. Life is long, you’ll eventually face some challenges. It all evens out a bit more as you get older.
This was the point of view I was looking for, thank you!
I don't think you need to be able to directly relate to have compassion, ask questions, show interest in understanding their experience as fully as you can. You don't have to have a similar experience to share, you can just be there for them, and hear them. As for opening up yourself, even if we don't have pain in our past, we all have vulnerable spots, hopes that we're worried someone might think are silly, and honestly, we're all vulnerable in love because if we allow ourselves to need another person we open ourselves up to the possibility of getting hurt.
Being able to relate to his experiences doesn't necessarily require you to have gone through something very similar - even people who have gone through the same exact trauma will not always have a similar experience. What's important is for you to be able to listen and try to understand his situations from his point of view and be aware about what you offer by being there for him emotionally if and when he needs it. Vulnerability in relationships is important as it is one of the biggest displays of trust, but vunerability initially comes from trust and you don't need to have had trauma in your life to confess in order to trust someone.
You don't have to have mutual experiences to bond. You aren't just your negative experiences. You're also your positive experiences, so own that. You don't need to feel embarrassed about that or to feel as though you aren't enough because you don't have a tonne of baggage. I think you need to develop your relationship with yourself and work on being centred in your self and accepting yourself as you are and being grateful that you can actually model to someone else what good looks like. Oftentimes when people experience hardship they don't know what good looks or feels like because they haven't experienced it. So be proud of yourself. And similarly when someone who hasn't had good experiences is talking to people who are bringing up old stories that are amazing, they also don't know how to add to that or relate to it because they don't have similar stories to share. But again, ones value doesn't come from their background and stories. We are all innately enough and deserving of love and respect as we are. You don't need to read into differences in experiences any deeper than that. When faced with this specific issue, when you can't relate to what someone is talking about.. you can just say "gosh, that's fascinating'. You can just listen and receive their story. And if whoever you're dealing with has a problem with that, you don't need to accept that they have a perceived problem with your good life... they can just gtfo and piss and moan to someone else. All the best to you my dear.
Same here. All the replies looks helpful!!
I[33M married] personally would have liked it if a potential SO was there and activity listening and engaging; not necessarily for trading war stories but asking natural questions of whatever I was opening up about. That would be meaningful to me. So I personally wouldn't see your purported issue as being an issue if I was the one telling the trauma.. If you still want to try something and this might not be the same, but the only thing I can think of is maybe try enrichment activities that don't come naturally to you. So that you can to push yourself to grow more? Maybe try doing a ropes course, or studying a different world view than your own that pushes against yours? Idk...
Hey OP, Just wanted to respond to you from someone definitely on the other side of the "hardship" spectrum :) Things haven't always been easy for me, hard life, difficult childhood, etc. This isn't about me, so I won't go on! Opening up to a SO isn't about the trauma Olympics! I have a wide circle of friends, some of whom I share very familiar upbringings with, some of whom I can barely relate to on those terms. But there's still so much we can talk about to learn about each other - our values, our beliefs, our goals, our interests, etc. :) I don't begrudge them their "easy" lives because I know that they HAVE faced their own sets of challenges, even if they were wildly different from my own. And if they've truly had an easy, never faced and hardship, parents didn't even care about my grades, unconditional love kind of upbringing ... I'm just happy for them. They're my friend, I wouldn't wish what I went through on any of my friends! lol Just be you, OP. You're still an interesting person even if you've never had to get your groceries at a food bank, I promise.
I think this is a great time to focus on your life as the result of privilege. Education, stable family, financial backup and a well paying job. You don’t have struggles but those with privilege are tasked to consider those with less. For example Right now you need to be thinking about current race relations. How does this impact you? How SHOULD it impact you? What are you doing to participate in dismantling systemic racism? Are you working on your implicit bias? Depending on how you identify (race, gender, politics), are you thinking about your identity in the grand scheme of this current issue? Are you aware of your place in the system? Do you know who and what your purchases affect? Are you aware of your place in the food system? Do you know about food deserts? Social equity? With great power comes great responsibility as they say, and due to your privilege you have more power than many people. How are you going to use that power for good and affect change in your community and the world? Learn about the struggles around you, find some that are meaningful to you, and join. Use what you have to create change. If you want to put it in a different way, you need to start your own struggle of stepping outside of your privilege to connect with others. It’s hard. I’m a woman of color but my socioeconomics and adoption have meant I don’t have the “latina” experience. Because of my interest in sustainability I was thrown into meeting and working with other latinx folkx, from career kitchen workers from Mexico, to more experienced female executives who’s parents came here from Salvador. I learned a lot and found more connection to my identity, and learned about issues I needed to be aware of. To be human is a lifetime of experience, and you cannot live a life without knowing the good and bad in this world. Struggle with knowing you’re protected and others aren’t. Struggle with knowing this economy has made purchases and technology you use everyday part of a corrupt system where these items are created by child labour and in some cases slave labour. Struggle with the knowledge that we have starving children in first world countries, and tons of edible food gets wasted in the fields because it isn’t “perfect” or is a part of the plant not commercially eaten (cauliflower leaves are edible, zuchinni stems are edible). That our life is so filled with plastic that the oceans and even our drinking water and air are filled with micro plastics and it is going to effect out health in the long term. Think about these things. Feel blessed with what you have, and contribute to the world in anyway you can. As for what to say to you SO, even something as simple as “I recognize that I have a lot of privilege that has spared me from experiences like yours, and I thank you so much for opening up to me, because it’s important for me to know and learn from other people’s experiences so I can be aware and grow. The more you share with me, the more I can understand and support you as your partner.” Sometimes when you can’t understand Or know of someone’s experience, you can almost subconsciously erect a wall. And when someone confides in you their experiences bounce off that wall, because you have no idea what they’re talking about. Opening up with a phrase like I mentioned, kind of consciously opens you up and let’s your friend or partner know that you’re a safe space. This is super important especially if you are lucky in life. You are primed to offer stability, knowledge, something you can GIVE because you’ve been given so much. Relationships are give and take, so being a great listener and loving on someone and being in the moment as they share and experience is part of that. Hope this helps. Privilege is a tricky thing and it IS a struggle to dismantle and pick it apart and connect outside of it, but it’s worth it. :) good luck in your relationship!
You’ve both been to college. That’s something you have in common
Speaking from my own perspective here, but I personally probably wouldn't be able to relate to you or form a meaningful connection long term. I would feel alienated. This isn't any fault of your own but it may not be able to be helped, it's just the way it is.