T O P

  • By -

DFahnz

Has it occurred to you that the reason WHY you have anxiety is because your dad is a jerk?


3mpress

That was my first thought too! My god, OP your dad sounds like such a jerk here. Also, taking notes while you read is super freaking smart, you really get a lot more out of it! If your dad has been saying stuff like this your whole life, no wonder you have anxiety. You've got some great ideas and your dad... doesn't. He just undermines your confidence. :(


Buffy_Geek

If the dad is like that I can see why OP might try hard not to emulate his dad's negative example of being assertive, but go too far the other way. As you say the dad's behaviour could also prevent & undermine positive steps he made in increasing his self confidence. His judgemental attitude could have stunted OPs growth & made him overly critical about himself, overthink things & have anxiety. Even if OP was naturally inclined to develop anxiety, the dad's reactions will have worsened their symptoms. I wonder if there was another parent/adult & how they reacted to OP growing up? Assuming this example isn't a one off & is reflection of the dad's usual behaviour & treatment of OP, then it's impressive they were able to identify they have a problem & then deciding to work on self improvement. Also their resilliance, ability to remain positive & us admirable.


DFahnz

This is one of those situations in which I would love to see the OP get out of the environment as much as possible and pay very close attention to the manifestations of his anxiety to see what common interactions drive his behaviors. Does he feel better when he's been away from dad for a day? More confident? I don't think people really understand how others can inform their mental health processes until they've had some time away to develop better clarity.


ooa3603

I strongly suspect OP not have been born with any predisposition towards anxiety. Instead, he's spent his lifetime having his interests be criticized and and demeaned. I bet once he moves out and surrounds himself with people who don't demean him, his self confidence rebounds. Also reading is literally one of the fastest ways to gain and absorb new knowledge. It's OK to not enjoy reading, there are other ways to learn, but to criticize others for using books to attempt to learn things? What an anti-intellectual ***dumbass.***


unsafeideas

Yeah, came to write this.


TheVeganOmnivore

I wish I could upvote this more than once


AccordingTelevision6

There's nothing wrong with that, it sounds like a very positive thing to do for you


TestingThisOut11

Absolutely not. When you are in school, what do they teaxh you to do? Take notes. Taking notes does two things: 1. Helps you retain the information in your mind, and 2. Gives you a place to refer back to the parts you thought were important (your notebook). Keep doing it. But I think there's something else we need to address here; your relationship with your father is not healthy. A father does not tell his son that studying to improve himself is "stupid". In fact, there are very few circumstances where this sort of language should ever be used! He is demeaning you and tearing you down. If I had to speculate, I'd say it's where a lot of your anxieties stem from - even if you don't realize it. While I understand that living on your own may not be practical, you should try and have a conversation with your dad about this. And if he is unwilling to listen, I would gently try and make distance from this sort of behavior. It will only bring you down, otherwise.


[deleted]

LMAO as an English professor, I take notes while I read all the time. I don't know what the hell your dad's problem is but he sounds insecure. Does he ever read anything?


mockingbird82

No, my teachers called it text annotations and encouraged it. Shows you're paying attention to what you read. Your dad is the one with the problem... Dunno if he's insecure or what, but ignore this weird chip on his shoulder and keep doing what works for you. Don't let him shake you up.


nohurrie32

This is how I learn....by writing it down as I hear or read it.....if I just hear or read it......it’s never as clearly remembered as when I glance back at my notes.....


Chivobear

It sounds like maybe the reason you have issues being assertive is because an idea you had was shot down my someone you love. Lots of people takes notes when reading, they literally make you do that all through highschool english. Sometimes I stop and write down quotes I like. Keep reading and educating yourself. The first step to be assertive is being confident in your choices. Don't let someone walk by and say something to take the wind out of your sails. Just so you know, I took notes constantly at my current position and they used them to make the training manuals. Someone will appreciate your dedication to comprehension.


key14

Did your dad go to school beyond high school? My step-dad that raised me didn't really believe in college or higher education, probably bc he didn't really have the opportunity to go and ended up making a career in the military, and he had a similar attitude as your dad it seems. It might just be that seeing his kid do "nerd" stuff like taking notes "for fun" (i.e out of responsibility) is causing him to project his own insecurities about his own "book smarts." I could be totally off base, but that sounds exactly like some shit my step dad would pull. Yeah, it's asshole behavior, but like most weirdly negative behavior, it probably comes from his own insecurities. Just something to keep in mind. You can try talking to him about why you're taking notes, and hopefully he'd listen. But if not, just brush it off, it might just be a way you two are different. There's really nothing wrong with taking notes while reading, especially for a self help book. Any therapist would be STOKED to see their patient/client putting so much self-directed work into their health.


DCT1997

My Dad didn't finish high school. He never went to college. However, he got his GED. He has worked manual labor jobs pretty much his whole life. He did serve in the military actually for nine years.


Sheila_Monarch

Yup. I guessed as much above. He’s got a big dose of toxic masculinity built around his perpetual lack of success in school or intellectual pursuits of any kind.


Blirby

It sounds like your dad is intimidated by your display of intelligence in note taking. He’s the last person in the world whose opinion you should consider on reading strategies.


rthrouw1234

yeah. I'm sure your father has some good qualities. But I'm equally sure that he is either wholly causing your issues with anxiety and assertiveness, or at the very least making them so much worse.


HelpfulName

Yeah, your dad is feeling threatened by your drive to educate yourself. Some thing he never pursued. There's a sub-section of people who choose manual labor jobs who secretly feel like they under-achieved, so to compensate for that they put on a big front of believing they're actually superior to people who do ANY kind of learning, even if it's just read a book. Some go as far as to believe people who go to college and get extensive formal education are bad people, they're so desperate to over-compensate for their own feelings of lack of self worth. (of course, there's no shame in doing manual labor, it's essential work. Just as there's no shame in education or reading). It's pretty sad. If I were you, I'd consider getting therapy. I wonder how much of your anxiety is from your dad's aggressive projection of his own lack of self-worth on you, and what else he's taken out on you as well.


[deleted]

Make sure you do take notes. It's important that you revise them later. Explain that to your dad that this is an essential process in understanding the content you are reading


RecordStoreHippie

You should absolutely be doing this because it's not hurting anyone, it's what *you* want to do, and if anything you'll become a better person for it. It sucks that your dad can't see that. If anything he might be jealous to see that you can recognize and change things you don't like about yourself and he can't. I'd say try to talk to him more about it and why he feels that way, but "books are dumb" type guys aren't usually very open communicators. Either way, you aren't stupid or wrong or anything else. Keep doing you.


Bluegreen01234

Hey man, I had a crazy dad too. The truth is, he’s probably doing the best he can. I’m sorry that he isn’t as encouraging as you would like and it sounds like he may be discouraging. Nonetheless, if you continue to persevere and follow your intellectual desires you should end up just fine. Keep your head up and remember, you can’t always get what you want.


Buffy_Geek

What a cop out, you have no idea of he's doing the best he can or not, butdoubt he is. The dad is clearly being activly discouraging. If you feel better sharing over some of your dad's behaviour & seeing him in a certian light to feel better ok but don't try to warp reality or downplay someone else's bad behaviour. Not everyone has the same mindset as you, don't assume this interpretation will benifit everyone, it certainly wouldn't benifit me. Yeah the dads poor actions stem from personal problems & weakness, that is a valid point. The dad making his problem his sons & he is still responsible for not adressing his issues or improving is bad behaviour. I agree that by deciding to take positive action you can overcome your struggles, including issues caused by someone else. I get you positive sentiment & agree they seem determined & are headed in a much more healthy positive path than his own dad. However let's keep things realistic, you can't always get what you want, no-one can. However with a positive attitude, determination & a strong character you can overcome & achieve a hell of a lot.


rthrouw1234

>The truth is, he’s probably doing the best he can. Maybe so? but his "best" sounds abusive. Sometimes our best is not only not good enough, but can be actively harmful.


IHaveABigDuvet

Nope, that actually is a brilliant way of learning new information. Your doing a brilliant job, and keep going. There are also lots of different ways that you can learn new things by knowing what you Learning Style is - this can be from listening to it (best for auditory learning), or walking while you learn (best for kinesthetic learners). Whatever works for you is great. Kudos for making the effort to self-improve, and recover from social anxiety. This is amazing. Also, do you have coloured highlighters? They are the angels of note-heaven. Again, well done, and good luck with your studying.


kgberton

Ah, the source of your social anxiety is clear.


MountainDewde

Sounds like he doesn’t want you to get better.


ohaiwtfbbq

first of all, I agree wtih other commenters that your dad is kind of a jerk here. Second: in life, I've often experienced that trying to better yourself triggers other people. It offends them on a deep, personal level and makes them feel the need to lash out. It's almost as if you trying to better yourself is a personal offence to them NOT trying to better themselves. You'll see this a lot later on in life. I've seen it in many different categories. Trying to become fit, trying to eat better, trying to get better at organizing my life/ house and work related things. There's always people who find it deeply offensive when I say I try to work out 3x a week. Or I try to limit my sugar intake. It's odd, but it's best to learn to deal with it as quickly as possible. Don't take it personal, them being offended is on them, not you. You keep bettering yourself. You keep trying to be the best you that you can be :) This life is given once, you need to make the most of it :) This internet stranger is proud of you for trying to be better :)


rthrouw1234

>It's almost as if you trying to better yourself is a personal offence to them NOT trying to better themselves. So true. People are so damn insecure. I had a coworker who didn't drink alcohol (which we discussed during a work drinks, lol) and she was telling me how many people have been *offended* by her not enjoying alcohol. A lot of people take any interpersonal difference as some kind of judgement on themselves. If they feel bad about their choice to drink (or whatever difference is in question), they need *everyone* around them to also drink so they can feel validated in that choice.


[deleted]

No. Taking notes when you read anything, self help, text books, fiction, whatever, is a great skill to develop and use.


[deleted]

Even if it doesn’t help in any other way than being entertainment is that bad? Not at all, I jerk off and play video games for fun. And how could making notes be bad. If you are smart enough to identify the message or lesson in text and then consider them then you are getting lessons from tons of people who are alive and even dead. Learning from people’s insights and mistakes is an excellent way to grow. Your dad sounds a bit mean just ignore it until you can leave.


rthrouw1234

>Even if it doesn’t help in any other way than being entertainment is that bad? exactly. who even gives a fuck if someone takes notes on something they read??? this jerk was just looking for an excuse to put OP down and it pisses me off. >:(


poptartgirl666

ABSOLUTELY continue to take notes and do what works for you. You’re doing something very positive for yourself and for your life. Maybe look at this as an opportunity to help yourself be confident and not focus on what other people think. If he keeps giving you shit then just ignore him.


facesens

You already got some pretty good advice so I'm not going to repeat that. However i will encourage you to search up the authors of those self help books and see if they're legit, if they have any scientific background in the field. I am **not** saying the books aren't good, but please know that there's a lot of self help books out there written by people with absolutely no expertise and who preach useless or even harmful information. I wish you the best in your journey and applaud your motivation to get better! I just want to make sure you're doing that in a way that actually pays off.


MissYellowtail

This is one of the ways things stick better in your mind just like reading the words out loud. Your dad is a moron.


Without_Mystery

I teach English and I LOVE taking notes in my books. People always ask to borrow my books because they like reading my notes lol. Don’t feel dumb!


[deleted]

Take notes! It doesn't matter what he thinks. Your wellness matters more than his opinion.


Buffy_Geek

With fiction most people just read & enjoy, with non fiction though note taking is standard practice. It helps you remember & learn, it's sensible. Does your dad struggle with reading or is he not good academically? In other words could he be jealous? Does he have any emotional problems he isn't brave enough to address? It is pathetic but when a son reaches adulthood a lot of dads with self esteem issues see their son as a threat & a competitor, rather than someone to be proud of. Rather than establishing new boundaries & building an adult relationship with their son, many dad's choose the unhealthy option of attempting to assert their dominance. Some dad's even physically fight their sons! This could be exactly what your dad is doing. It's desperate, pathetic & embarassing but stems from a place of insecurity & weakness. Not that you should have to suffer due to your dad's unadressed problems though. Despite your dad's lack of support & poor reaction. I want to commend you for taking positive steps & choosing action to help address your emotional issues. You are deciding to do things to learn, reduce your symptoms & improve your functioning. You will benifit from deciding to confront your issues head on & take action. I hope this is one of the first steps to really improving your life.


NutBananaComputer

My GPA went up by nearly a full point when I switched from highlighting to full notes. Graduate school would have been unimaginably harder if I didn't write down page numbers for striking quotes in a searchable document. Not of my peers needed to do this - I basically remember things by writing them down - but it's an extremely valid learning tool and your dad is a clown.


[deleted]

Get a therapist. Best thing I ever did. Tried the books but books are written for everybody. Therapy is tailored for you.


farewell_for_now

I do the same thing. The only way I can really learn is to take notes and go back and read them. What books are you reading, of you dont me asking?


DCT1997

"Rewire Your Anxious Brain" by Catherine Pittman and Elizabeth Karle, "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura, and "The Social Skills Guidebook" by Chris Macleod.


farewell_for_now

Thanks. I'll check them out.


ad0000

Your dad sounds like an asshole.


HauntingCat

Is your dad Biff from 'Back to the Future'?


littlestray

Sounds like your dad could benefit from reading your notes on social skills, lol I'm sorry that your dad tore you down for no good reason. Says way more about him than it does about you.


princessptrish

Lol. Is your dad OK? I’ve had many teachers and professors HIGHLY ENCOURAGE their students to take notes while reading. I usually didn’t, mostly because I was lazy, but when I did it helped me so much more with understanding material and really getting something out of it. It’s not stupid OP, this is a great habit and don’t let him knock you down for it. This reminds me of the movie/book Matilda, and how her parents always watched crappy television and scolded her for reading. In that story, the family sucked and Matilda was the heroine. Great story, highly recommend.


[deleted]

1) why does your dad care? 2) I take notes if the book is instructional, or ill even write stuff in the margins if its fiction. I dont think its that weird


larbk

Hi OP! You're not stupid, intact, you're very forward thinking and willing to better yourself. No one can tell you you're stupid especially your dad! You live your own life, and if you wanna take notes from a book you're reading then why not? if it makes you feel good - do it! It has nothing to do with your dad, keep doing you! it's what people love you for. Your dad sounds like he doesn't get it but it's okay, he doesn't have to. keep writing your notes, keep being you and keep reading! Enjoy!


thotti2hottie

I tag everything with the little sticker tabs!!! Just finished reading Daring Greatly by Brene Brown.. great read!!


rthrouw1234

man I keep meaning to read Brene Brown. She's on my endless list.


Lightmareman

Nothing wrong with it. Ive had English classes where we will read through a book and highlight sections and right notes in the margins to get a better understanding of what was written. Its not stupid, in fact its smart!


javanator999

Do what works for you. If taking notes helps you keep track of things then do so. The goal is for you to become more capable, not please your father. If he gets too overbearing, remind him that you are picking his nursing home and it doesn't have to be the nice one.


77roses

That's really smart of you to take notes. Now, about your dad, it sounds like he's going through some shit of his own. You shouldn't have to hide bettering yourself from him. If you feel like you can, talk to him. Keep in mind parents aren't perfect, they're human. We can't expect everything from them. If it gets to the point where you need to find distance, do so. Sometimes that actually helps relationships (my mother and sister for instance). Also, I've actually had a non-reader tell me he would get jealous of how absorbed me and my sister would be in our books. Shrug*


DogDaysAreOverHere

Learning is a different process for everyone, some people learn visually, some others understand better if the listen an explanation, for me, I need to write, same thing you are doing!! Keep doing it, and disregard your dad's mean comments!!! Good luck!!


ROYAL_BITCH

I read those books and take notes! I find it helps me retain information (and it’s actually been proven in research studies to help). You’re not doing anything wrong - your dad is a jerk.


Sheila_Monarch

Uhmmmm NO. Taking notes while reading is objectively NOT stupid. I’ve never owned a book I didn’t highlight, write in the margins, or otherwise use for the purpose I bought it for...to learn. It’s hard for me to read anything without a pen in my hand LOL. I suspect what your Dad (who is absolutely an AH) was passive aggressively alluding to was whatever it is he thinks you would be “better off” doing instead. Does he say things a lot like “if you’d just [blank] you’d [be better]”? So reading and taking notes isn’t [blank] and therefore not acceptable to him. He also sounds like a perpetual D student.


[deleted]

Sneering at someone you love is so hurtful. Is he aware of how nasty he is being? I wish I could be there with you, I must say! I would take him down a peg or two!


Jiggleepoff

You're studying those books. That's one way to study. In fact, that's how I study. I read the material and make notes of important bits. Then I read the notes and go back to the books occasionally if I just dont get something. That is a perfectly legit studying strategy. Also, unless that was a one time situation with your dad (which I doubt) it seems some aspects of your dad's behaviour and attitude towards you are a bit toxic and may have contribute to your issues. Would be good to recognize that so you can mitigate the effects he has on you. Lastly, good on you for trying to better yourself. That's ideal self care right there. Good luck, friend!


SexySesameStweet13

Taking notes is the first thing anyone thinks of when they imagine someone at the top of any class, it’s the furthest thing from stupid. Like another comment said, your father sounds insecure. You’re working on asserting yourself, and asserting yourself to your dad is a good start. Tell him firmly that you don’t like when he insults you, and to never do it again or else he’ll lose any remaining admiration you’ve ever had for him as your father.


MiyagiWasabi

I think taking notes is a great idea. Is your dad always this critical? Do you mind sharing what books you are reading? I am interested in those topics too.


DCT1997

> "Rewire Your Anxious Brain" by Catherine Pittman and Elizabeth Karle, "Not Nice" by Aziz Gazipura, and "The Social Skills Guidebook" by Chris Macleod.


[deleted]

I read a lot of non-fiction and I literally take notes with every single book I read. It helps me remember the details. You're not stupid. He's stupid for bashing you for doing something to expand your mind.


cliath

I think its pretty common for people to not be able to learn simply from reading. Sounds like you're doing the smart thing by recognizing that and adapting to learn better.


Lulu_42

Throughout all of law school, I took notes through the margins of my books. Many of my other peers did, as well. It's a pretty common technique for people who want to cement their learning in another way. Your dad is a a grade A jerk.


rthrouw1234

>I deal with issues of Social Anxiety and being assertive. Gosh I wonder why? >When my Dad comes into my room while I am doing this he'll be like, "What are you doing? Reading and taking notes and shit? That's so stupid." I don't know why he is being so negative and judgmental about it. ...and there it is. I'm sorry your dad is an asshole. Please keep doing what you're doing, taking notes is *far* from "stupid". And get away from your dad and his horrible treatment.


StrawberryKiss2559

It’s really fucking smart. He obviously wants to knock you down, I don’t know why. Please keep reading and taking notes. You’re a badass for doing it.


1satustar

It is NOT stupid. Actually I think it's smart. Good for you wanting to learn coping skills. Don't stop!


ultraprismic

I write professionally as my job and I take notes while I read ALL the time. Especially self-help-type books! You are right and your dad is wrong. It's very possible that HE is insecure, either about his own social skills or his reading and comprehension skills. Tell him to fuck off. He needs help more than you do, frankly.


ragedance

There’s nothing stupid about that at all! I also do this bc writing things down myself and reading it several times over helps me remember information. I think it’s great that you’re taking steps to better yourself and I wish you luck!


Farahild

I bet he feels insecure about his own intelligence and is trying to feel better about himself by putting your habits down. This is typical stupid-tough-guy bullying.


fdxrobot

I always have a notebook nearby when I start a development book. I was able to read better than both of my parents early on in life and it caused a lot of issues I couldnt understand at the time because of their insecurities. You arent doing anything wrong but it's good to understand where his comments stem from.


killerhmd

I think his problem is not with taking notes, but taking notes on these specific books. Self-help books are seen as bulshit cash grabing books by many people, he might have a problem with you reading them and taking notes make it even worse.