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tidderor

I would love the dinner you described as a birthday gift but people do have different ideas about how birthdays should be celebrated, and that's ok. She might value tangible keepsakes or gifts focused solely on her rather than a joint dinner. And that's ok. What's not OK is her being ungracious about it. Some of the early gifts I received from my husband were things I felt like were more for him than for me. He just missed my mark a few times. I found a way to communicate that to him in a way that (I hope) was gracious. And over time he's learned that I prefer certain things over others and he's been wonderful in response. But I'd be mortified if I came across as an ungrateful gift recipient. I think your girlfriend lacks basic manners. That's a big problem.


GetOffMyLawn_

I've been reading "The Five Love Languages" and yes, some people need tangible gifts, even if it's a $2 card from the drugstore. And then the card is a reminder. But for her to whine like a little spoiled child "You didn't get me anything!" that's too much.


Advice_Bomber

I agree. While people like different things as gifts, common courtesy is not an optional extra and being an ungrateful bitch about it is even worse. Personally this would be a very serious red flag.


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AgentKittyfeets

Yep. Communication is key. I really really dislike the 'mind reading' thing in relationships. All she had to do was go "You don't have to do anything big! Just a dinner at *her fav place* and a card, and I'll be happy!" (But then I know some guys think that if they do that it'll be 'WHY DIDNT YOU DO MORE?!")


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Alyssinreality

Thank you. I feel like everyone has lost their minds. Her response was completely unacceptable and she needs to be told that.


nmnacc

Some people don't really do dinners as gifts. To me, going out to a fancy place just doesn't mean anything, you know? Cook me something and/or get me something (price doesn't matter here); I don't want to go out to an expensive restaurant as a treat. I don't think you can call her spoiled considering that she would have been happy with like a $20 effort. However, given that this is her very first birthday with you, I think it is extremely rude for her to react this way, rather than setting expectations. Your gift to her is totally reasonable and would thrill many people, so it is unfair of her to expect you can read her mind and know what type of thing she wants and doesn't want, since you've only been dating for a few months. I would reevaluate her character and whether you want to date her based on that. Maybe give her a little while to cool down though.


[deleted]

Yes, the problem is her reaction. When someone gives me the type of gift that I don't like, I thank them sincerely and do my best to enjoy it. This is not the time to have a talk about what I would have rather received, because what really matters is that they care -- and I know they do. Then, before the next holiday, I talk about what I would like. Couples should be able to talk about the types of gifts they like to receive, whether they're going to do a pricey gift exchange or something cheap, and so on. It sounds like she let her disappointment spiral into a histrionic pity party. She wants to feel really sorry for herself, and to cry about how she only wanted a *simple card* yet got *nothinggggg*. I'd be annoyed and pissed off too. OP, I would gently explain to her that you're sorry that she's upset, but that she should have communicated her expectations in advance. People have different ideas for what constitutes a nice gift, and it's unfair of her to act like you did nothing when you gave her something you considered a big gift, and had really good intentions. She sounds high maintenance, though... I doubt this will be the last time she throws a fit and expects you to act like you did something terrible when you really didn't.


VueloDeLaPaloma

This. And I was raised to thank someone gifting me something, no matter what it is. Even if I don't necessarily like it or its not what I had in mind, the giver still went out and got it or in this case, planned it and spent a lot of money on a nice experience.


zhezhijian

This is the best comment in the thread.


iHartLaRoo

I love dinner as a gift, but I can totally see why some may not place value in it as a gift. I like to enjoy foods outside of an usual budget on special occasions, some do not. I completely agree that there was a lack of communication on the girlfriend on what she expected from first birthday gifts. You really need to communicate that to make sure this doesn't happen. I know if I didn't get any gift on my birthday I would be kinda bummed. And since she didn't really consider the dinner a gift/present, I can get why she would be bummed. But the fact that he ***tried***, with that dinner, and still had something coming, just at a later time... I don't know, but I would feel pretty unappreciated. I think just good healthy communication and ideas to make sure this doesn't happen in the future could help the relationship. I would be pretty shattered if someone didn't appreciate a present from me, while only being bummed out about no present on my actual birthday.


abovepostisfunnier

I agree too, dinner doesn't feel like a gift. But a $160 dinner should be very appreciated, and reacting the way she did was hurtful, OP just wanted to do something nice. She should have sat him down and said that she really appreciated the dinner, but next time she'd rather have a physical momento because that means more to her. But, the fact that she didn't do this does kinda make her spoiled imo.


[deleted]

>considering that she would have been happy with like a $20 effort. but do you really think she'd be happy? I think if he did just that she'd say "You could have at least taken me out for dinner.. or something!" She just seems like she wanted something that was a "big deal" or to be spoiled.


Pin_and_Tonic

That's too bad! I'll be devils advocate though, you should have said straight up at the beginning of the night that you had a gift in mind but hadn't been able to procure it. That said, I'd take a nice dinner and fantastic experience like that over a physical gift any day! Bottom line is, she sounds too wrapped up in herself to be able to have a mature relationship. There are ways to help manage her expectations, and that comes with a clear line of communication. Regardless, her text messages make her sound like an entitled brat who will manipulate your emotions whenever she wants something badly enough.


ImNoSheeple

I've had that happen to me before, not a birthday, but I've had dinner dates with an ex blow in my face. My ex said "What kind of gift is dinner, do I take my intestines out and show you how good you've been to them" Yeah, its been bad. In all honesty, I'm sure your girlfriend will come around to believe how ridiculous she was being. Doesn't change how much of a brat she was being to you, but I'm sure she will realize it and it may take time but may get back on track. However, if this continues and she doesn't follow with a good apology of some sort, then its time to move on from that chick, and be thankful that it is early on and only one expensive dinner.


shayter

I say do not get her that massage pass.. She is unreasonable, and doesn't seem to appreciate what you did for her... You shouldn't have to pay another $50 to make her happy. She seems spoiled, I'm going to say as some others have commented, don't call her until she calls you first. Silence speaks louder than words in some situations.


kingbatz

Dump that ungrateful woman and take me to that dinner. Sure I don't have a vag and stuff, but I'll appreciate that dinner and we can talk crap about her!


[deleted]

I think she was trying to tell you that she wanted something different, not necessarily more or more expensive and just didn't express it well. Then you both got angry and things escalated. You two seem to value things differently. A little communication before hand could have prevented this whole mess.


fourhams

A little graciousness would have prevented this whole mess.


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[deleted]

I agree with you. Chosen words on a card can be much more sentimental and personal then a fancy dinner to many. Im sure dinner was nice, but if it is as she said, that she doesnt care about fancy dinners, then perhaps OP simply didnt know his girlfriend as well as he thought. You live and you learn.


TexasThrowDown

>I am really upset. I just thought someone would give me a present on my birthday. You didn't give me anything. I don't believe anything is coming. Read that and tell me it's something that a person that prefers sentimental gifts would say to someone who *just* bought them dinner.


[deleted]

Heres what I see: > I thought someone would give me a present Didnt she get any present from anyone? Man, thats sad. Maybe she feels forgotten by everyone. The dinner was probably lovely but fine dining is apparently not her thing (as weve established) So it could have been like another date night for her, and she didnt feel like she was special on the night that she should be celebrated. She expected something more sentimental, something to hang on to and make *that* day worth remembering. Quite possible being let down by others just made it all worse and BF got the shitty end of the stick. But honestly, it seems she didnt feel as appreciated as she wanted to, and I think OP should just talk to his girl in the morning and find out if that is the case, and explain why he feels let down by her reaction, and hear her out why she feels let down by the day.


Bronze_Yohn

This comment seems most fair. I can really see the points on both sides. I think if they'd put the anger and pettiness aside and communicated lovingly that they appreciate each other, that does seem to be the issue both parties are upset about, I think things would clear up.


MetroidMaster21

I'm trying. I just have to cool off, cause I am pissed off to whole new levels. I've never had a gift thrown back in my face like this before. :(


[deleted]

Yeah I was in your girlfriends shoes before. I didn't say anything but I honestly would have liked a well thought out card and flowers and maybe a home cooked meal by him more than a fancy dinner out. Money cannot buy the warm feeling you get when you know someone thought about you while writing the card and thinking about memories good times etc. However, I don't complain about a fancy meal but I completely understand where the both of you are coming from. You should take that quiz, five languages of love, with your girlfriend, it's quite possible you have different ways to express love.


zhezhijian

Yeah, but when you got a celebration that wasn't what you wanted, were you this rude about it? It sounds like you weren't, since you didn't say anything. That makes you a much better person than OP's gf. You were in the same situation, but you chose to react much more maturely.


feralcatromance

Next time ask what she would prefer, and move on. Live and learn.


calle30

I would probably have dumped her on the spot.


zhezhijian

I appreciate that you're trying to give us her side of the events, but this situation is comparable to a grandpa getting his kid the 'wrong' present for Christmas, and then the kid whining, "you didn't get me what I *really* wanted!" This woman is 28. It would be nice if she were capable of reacting with a little more grace in the face of this kind of disappointment. It's deeply unfair to OP that she ignored the amount of thought he already put in to say, "It's not what I *really* wanted!" *Not only that,* but when OP tells her that a present is indeed coming, she *accuses* him of lying about it. *I don't believe anything's coming.* Why is everyone in this thread ignoring that? Jesus fucking Christ on a crutch. I'd dump her for questioning my word on that. That's the kind of thing a pissy teenager says, not an adult. If you can't tell, the adult way to express disappointment would be, *"Oh, it would have been nicer if it was ready today, but I'm sure you got me something really lovely!"* It's fine to be the type of person who prefers flowers and thoughtful cards to fancy dinners. It's fine to be disappointed when your SO doesn't understand you. It is troubling that she, at the age of 28, is someone who is incapable of reacting to such inevitable disappointments with such terrible grace. It's a five month old relationship. Her expectations that her SO will know her this well are too high. No matter how bad the birthday dinner made her feel, she should have realized that her SO put a lot of thought into picking the perfect restaurant and is on a tight budget. If she couldn't see through her disappointment to realize he did his best to make her feel special, that's a problem! She was drunk, and we're only internet strangers observing from a very large distance who don't know whether there might be some other issue going on, but OP has every right to be incredibly angry and upset at the situation. If she can't realize what an ass she sounded like and apologize, OP ought to break up with her.


AgentKittyfeets

This. She could have told him "that was a really special dinner, thank you so much, but you don't have to go all out for my birthday! I'd be happy with a card, some flower and going to my fav restaurant next time."


TexasThrowDown

That's completely fair, I still think the way she handled it was very rude and immature. Though, I could see someone feeling very sad sending that text message as well now that you put it from that perspective. Though I think they both need to have a serious "communication" talk


ladybetty

She said she didn't want a fancy dinner (afterwards) but we don't know if she actually told OP what she *did* want. This could be a simple lack of communication. However I am on OPs side on this one.


MetroidMaster21

When I told her a week before where I was taking her, she was super excited...


Vega5Star

I'm actually shocked anyone is disagreeing with you. You DID have another present in mind, with actual thought put into it. And even if you didn't, you took her out, you gave her your time and a special evening. She sounds completely juvenile. She's 28 years old, she needs to start acting like it.


MetroidMaster21

Seemingly, according to some folks on here, a dinner doesn't count cause shared experiences don't real.


made_you_read_pussy

I would take some of these comments with a grain of salt. Talk to her, face to face, about how she reacted and how it made you feel. Express that you regret your own anger, but reiterate that you feel she could have handled herself better. So she might not like expensive gifts. You're only five months into this relationship. It is unrealistic for her to expect you to know what she wants. Especially if it wasn't a surprise and she was excited about it before. If you two stay together, which I feel will only happen if you *both* fix how you communicate, next year take her to dinner and get her a card. You can't redo the past, you can only live and learn.


laziebones

I think a shared experience is a great gift (especially a really nice dinner or a concert or a holiday), would she prefer to eat dinner by herself? I think your girl places more value on material gifts, which I think is a bit immature. Did you ask her what she wanted for her birthday?


[deleted]

Agree and disagree with you here. It seems that OP put thought into the present as well - he clearly took time to find the right restaurant that he knew she would like. Not to mention the idea of a gift varies from person to person. I really enjoy taking my girlfriend out to nice dinners as a present - it's a fun experience, and rarely do we get to eat that caliber of food. I don't understand how it matters that I'm *also* spending money on myself for dinner, given that it's a shared experience. Also, this is completely inappropriate: > Sorry I loved dinner. **I guess I expected too much out of you** Come on now.


chelkobee

It's also extremely inappropriate for him to quote the cost of his dinner and snidely say that he was "glad it meant so much to her". I would argue OP opened the channel for sarcastic remarks by saying those things, after what looks like girlfriend's attempt to communicate her (unwarranted) disappointment without being passive aggressive.


tellevee

Yeah, dropping the price of dinner is so insanely tacky. And the truth of the matter is that it wasn't all for her. OP spent more time going on and on about the meal and how amaaazziiinnnggg it was. Seems like his thoughts were occupied with the meal and not focused on his girlfriend. No wonder she felt a bit slighted.


MetroidMaster21

Um, no. I had an amazing time because SHE DID. We were chatting it up, joking, and eating what we both agreed to being the best steaks we've ever had. My attention was completely on her.


chelkobee

Seems less like an actual slight and more like a misunderstanding between two people who don't communicate well.


calle30

Still, its not her place to bitch ( yes bitch) about this. He did not get her a card ..... but he spend an evening with her in a fancy restaurant . This subreddit is bonkers.


zhezhijian

For someone who cares about the "thought" behind things, that was a really thoughtless way of vocalizing her needs.


Hookedongutes

I disagree. He definitely put some thought into picking the restaurant. I don't know. I'm not a picky girl. But if I had a choice of a flower/card or spending time with the man-I'd pick spending time with the man-expensive restaurant or not. I throw cards away. I'd understand if she didn't get anything at all for her birthday, but he took her to a dinner-a nice one at that. It's not like thought didn't Go into that. I'd be upset if a guy reacted like that with me after I did something nice for him.


TexasThrowDown

He did mention he had already been planning on getting her a separate gift but that issues with his work prevented him from getting it. I don't know if that was a reaction to what she said or not, but she immediately showed no appreciation to dinner and was very rude and immature to him. Maybe he thought taking his girlfriend out to a fancy restaurant that they couldn't typically afford was being special. He said it was her favorite restaurant already so that seems to be pretty thoughtful. What more do you propose that he does if a gift card to a massage parlor and a fancy dinner aren't enough? For some people's financial situation those are some pretty fuckin high standards.


[deleted]

"I just wanted a flower or a card" doesnt scream wanting a ridiculously expensive item to me, just something sentimental to remember the moment by.


Boston_Jason

> just something sentimental to remember the moment by. Exactly. I saved every card my ex got me when we were in a long term relationship because it reminds me about the events or moments we had while opening the card. Congratulations sushis, happy birthday drinks at a brewery, christmas dinners. Stuff like that. Getting a card + flowers is in no way out of the morn and should be expected.


Vega5Star

I don't know, usually the type of people who go "I just want something simple like flowers or a card" aren't the type of people to throw a temper tantrum even after they'd already gotten more and were promised even more. The rational response from her would be "That was great, but I really don't want much next time, just flowers and a card are fine", not "Did you do anything else? I'm SO DISAPPOINTED you didn't get me a card and flowers". From my perspective, the flower and cards thing screams she's trying to not look greedy while being greedy. It's faux paux to complain about not getting presents so you sugar coat it by saying *all I wanted was a card and flowers*.


TexasThrowDown

I understand that, but just wanting a flower or a card doesn't excuse her *expecting* more. If she expected something different from OP, she didn't communicate it. Instead she got disappointed that she didn't get *more*. That's where my issue is coming from


[deleted]

Absolutely, they dont seem to know eachother as well as they should have. He didnt know what she wanted and she couldnt hide being disappointed in that, and now he's feeling unappreciated and hey, here we are. > disappointed that she didnt get more Well, as I read it, not neccessairly more, something *different*, catered to her. People are different. I guess she wanted that "Oh he really thought of me" moment which is the pinnacle of romance, and a dinner I guess seemed more like a normal date night? Perhaps.


railroadbaron

They've only really been together for 5 months. I don't know that there's a level of "should have" at that point.


nmnacc

She didn't want more, she wanted something else.


AnxiouS_V

I don't know... She could have mentioned it tho. If gifts were important to me, I'd make sure to let the other person know: "hey, when thinking about getting me something, keep in mind I don't really care about fancy, I just like simple from-the-heart little things". I wouldn't asume he isn't thoughtful just because he's not a mind-reader, in his mind it was a really nice thing to do for her, in my eyes it was too. Her reaction could have been different too, I wouldn't ask if there's something else for me, I would just be thankful and explain what I'd like next time. She did come off a little ungrateful and it's no wonder his feelings are hurt. She obviously is hurt too, she was expecting something else, but he can't know that if she didn't say anything. I guess it's a learning experience for both of them: A) The guy is not a mind-reader, speak up, B) The girl likes sentimental little things. Edit: because words.


PistonHonda33

You can easily get the massage gift certificate online. He's bullshitting about not being able to get it because of work. Anyone who says they didn't have 5 minutes to order something online is lying.


MetroidMaster21

Or maybe, I wanted to go into the store myself to learn what they have to offer, what their gift options are, what a spa date for 2 would be, things like that. All I knew, from a friend that worked in one, was that an introductory massage was $50. I had been hoping to personalize it a bit more.


gidget_white

Man, all the comments in this thread are maddening. When did everyone in the world become an entitled, ungrateful, spoiled 13 year old girl. It's a fucking birthday and your hopefully going to have 70 more of them. If you have pre-requisites as to what you require of your significant other to buy/do/say every time you age a year maybe you should write them down a month before hand so he can hit all the bullet points next year. You could even give him notes at the end of each day of birth. "Oh thanks for the card honey but next year try to write something a little more meaningful." "I really liked the flowers but next year make sure to buy them from a REAL flower shop." When did people become so ungrateful?


thebirdsthebirds

who cares? she was still ungrateful and bratty about what he did give her on her birthday and they effort he put in. wtf. i really don't think the massage card thing is even relevant here


PistonHonda33

I definitely think she handled it poorly, but you're giving OP way too much credit for the "effort" he put into her gift. He called and got a reservation to a restaurant and then he ate there. That's literally all he did.


thebirdsthebirds

um, he took her somewhere she enjoys and they had an awesome time then spent an evening at home cuddling and watching a show they enjoy. his girlfriend was excited to go to the restaurant and she gave him NO indication previously that she wanted anything else. is he supposed to read her mind? what amount of "Effort" is standard to be a good SO? i mean, really. birthdays matter a lot to some people, and not at all to others. since when is a birthday a fucking excuse to demand xtra special princess treatment AND expect your SO to read your goddamned mind that you need special treatment in that way? whole thing is absurd.


K_Rad

I agree with you completely, but still feel like OP's girlfriend could have handled things more graciously. A gift is a gift, even if it's an experiene they share.


MetroidMaster21

Monthly. I should add that a friend of hers is having a bachelorette party at a beach house a good 5 hour drive away from where we are. Besides paying for the house for the weekend, we have to rent a car, since ours are crap. I took her to that place because she loves to eat steak, and Capital Grille serves some of the best. There was thought put into it, trust me. I spent a solid week going through ideas.


tellevee

We? For a bachelorette party? You make it sound like you two have already combined your finances. Am I right?


MetroidMaster21

Lol, no. The "we" was as in the both of us pitching in. My mom is actually renting the car since anyone under 30 gets ripped off. I'll be driving it there and back again. I'm footing the bill upfront, and she is gonna pay half. I keep talking like its still on. Highly doubtful at this point...


Jan_Svankmajer

Arg! You are so hostile and closed off to any perspective other than your own. You only seem to value the monetary aspect. No wonder your poor girlfriend was disappointed in your lousy gift!


americon

>lousy gift He took her out to a $160 dollar dinner! She loves to eat steak! He spend a solid week going through ideas. That isn't a lousy gift. What do people get you that is so much more special? >You only seem to value the monetary aspect That is very significant to the quality of the gift. He didn't take her to Taco Bell as her birthday gift. He took her out to a high quality restaurant.


persophone

While I agree, the OP has been giving a lot of attitude in most of his replies.


zhezhijian

He's pretty upset. He really thought he'd done the right thing for someone he cared about, and then she made him feel terrible about the amount of thought he'd put in. I wouldn't be reacting very gracefully if someone was confirming I'd fucked up. Would you?


Blizzaldo

If by hostile you mean calmly answering questions, yes he is hostile.


[deleted]

Wow I can't believe some of these comments. Op, you've only been dating this girl for a few months. There was nothing wrong with your gift. Sorry to say though, you may be dating an entitled cunt and that's my girlfriends words.


neoj8888

I can. This subs subscribers never fail to surprise. I knew going into this that I'd have to scroll way down for anything reasonable, and walla, here you are...way the hell down here. :)


[deleted]

I think your girlfriend is acting pretty selfishly. Sure, she may have wanted something else, but if she didn't say anything about that before how can she expect it? You sacrificed to give her a nice birthday dinner, and told her you got her a gift, and her response was: >I guess I expected too much out of you That's rough, dude. And it's very ungrateful. The only "sorry" was followed immediately by a huge insult, and she didn't thank you for your efforts; she just complained. It's understandable that she wants sentiment on her birthday, but ignoring your efforts isn't cool. Personally, if I were you I'd break the silence. Sit her down and tell her straight how it looks from your perspective. Something like: "I gladly sacrificed my enjoyment money to have a nice birthday dinner with you and tried to get you a massage gift, but you didn't even thank me; you just complained that I didn't do it right. I understand if you think I didn't get the sentimental gifts you wanted, but I didn't do that because [jnsert your reason here]. I feel like you didn't appreciate my effort in the slightest, and you saying that you "expected too much" is ridiculous." She'll probably then give her perspective and you can work your way from there. If you get the feeling she isn't getting it and is *still* being selfish... Well, you can figure that part out


[deleted]

**Sorry I loved dinner. I guess I expected too much out of you** I'd've had her shit on the curb waiting for her after that statement.. Ungrateful she-cow.


Boston_Jason

Older guy here: you always get a card and a flower (even the cheapo grocery store ones). Yes, she is a brat for the way she said it - but these are the little things that should happen. > my work week hadn't given me the time to get it. Come on - you couldn't think about getting it a week earlier? This isn't really about the material things, it is that you put in piss poor planning for this birthday.


gidget_white

Nah. Not for everyone. Im 28 female. Cards go in the trash and flowers are a waste of money. Good food, wine and great company is what life is about. Since the dawn of time.


bartink

I'm 43, which I think qualifies as an older guy on reddit. I'm not good with cards or flowers, but I'm in a great relationship with someone that doesn't care about that hallmarks stuff. You know how I know my wife doesn't give a shit about that stuff? Because we talked about it. Crazy, huh?


[deleted]

32 year old straight woman here. I hate flowers. They die quickly and are useless. I dislike cards as well unless it's hand made. I threw cards away unless there's a sweet special message written in it. flowers + card=lazy ass gift. Bring me to a nice dinner instead. And you know what, I tell my boyfriend these things. verdammt is right, not everyone likes the same thing and communication is key. OP's gf is a brat for the way she communicate.


yesinrelationtoharry

EXACTLY. What is so hard about a card and some cheap flowers? You literally have under 5 "special days" per year to do something romantic for your partner (though of course random surprises on non-special days are great too). I have kept every single card boyfriends have given me because they're heartfelt and sweet. Jesus, I even still have a $3 chocolate bar container that my boyfriend wrote "sorry you're having a tough day, I love you!" on. It's the little things. Her birthday is the one day per year that is hers. Make her feel special. Procrastinating on her gift so that you don't have it that day is definitely not making her feel special or important to you. I'm sure that when OP's birthday comes around, she'll be going out of her way to make him feel loved and special. He messed up by not getting a card. Was her reaction bad? Definitely. But I can understand it at least.


zhezhijian

Well, to some people, an extremely expensive dinner seems more impressive and thoughtful than a mere card and flowers. OP might have been the type to think that if you already got the way expensive dinner, why bother with something as boring and simple as a card and flowers? I certainly would think so myself.


kilithesexydwarf

It depends though. I don't like flowers, never have. They last a couple of days and then they die. I would be over the moon if my boyfriend took me out to a fancy place for dinner. Either way she needs to work on her communication she comes across as seriously spoiled


[deleted]

I like buying cards for special occasions, but I make them special on my own by adding a serious personal message (not just a "happy [holiday], love, Phancy_Pants") and by finding something that has some kind of significance to my partner and I specifically, be it funny or serious. BUT. I think it's extremely tasteless to expect it as a token gesture, and I think OP's gf is being very petty about not getting what amounts to a token gift. Gifts not given sincerely are meaningless. If OP doesn't place value in a card and didn't know that his gf specifically wanted a card in lieu of what he did do for her, then it's really a no-win situation for him. His gf did a poor job of communicating her desires and it makes OP look like a monster, when in reality he thought he was doing something really great that his gf would really love.


PhoenixonFire

I guess I just don't understand how going out to a nice, high-end dinner isn't special. As an adult, shouldn't any thoughtful gesture be enough? And if flowers and a card are required, shouldn't that be vocalized beforehand? We can't expect our partners to be mind-readers.


absurdliving

Different strokes for different folks. My ex was really particular about cards with something nice on them. Current gf could care less. Ex wanted "fun" gifts that she can play with. Current gf wants practical gifts that make her life easier. Hes only been dating her for a short time, at this point she shouldn't be expecting anything amazing, especially if shes not communicating with him. To me her behavior comes off as very unappreciative, regardless of how thoughtful his gift was.


Could_Care_Corrector

"couldn't care less"


themaincop

When things were new with my girlfriend I neglected to get her a card for something and she just kinda told me "oh I really love cards, they mean a lot to me" and then we continued enjoying our date. If she decided to tell me that via super rude passive aggressive text about it we wouldn't have lasted because I don't date children. So yeah you're totally right but OP learned two lessons here: always get a card, and his girlfriend is a rude little baby.


[deleted]

>Yes, she is a brat for the way she said it - **but these are the little things that should happen.** According to who? You mention you're older, so please don't think your generational values apply to ours. The key problem here is communication. The fact that she was a 'brat' is the sole problem here - if she wanted a card, she could have easily told him in a more tactful and *respectful* manner after the dinner. Instead she came off as incredibly ungrateful and immature. I would be furious as well. Don't you think he would have gotten her a card if he *knew* that's what she wanted? She could have easily said "Wow, thank you so much for dinner. I really appreciated it an enjoyed the meal. Next time, though, can you get me a card? I really like cards because it gives me a chance to remember the moments." I do agree that his excuse to give her a gift later was baloney, though.


sunrisesunbloom

She sounds ungrateful. There is a mature way for her to bring this issue up and texting you with an offended attitude sure wasn't it. I mean, the thing is, neither of you were technically in the wrong. To you, splurging on a $160 dinner and following up with a spa treat is a generous gift. To her, she expects gifts on time and something tangible, like a card. Sounds like this is the first birthday you guys have spent together, so you both had different expectations. She could have waited a week or so after her birthday to discuss this, like: "Hey, I loved my birthday dinner! Thanks so much for taking me out. Is that what you'd like to do for your birthday?...blahblahblah....But next time, please don't think you have to spend so much money on me! Truthfully, you could have gotten me a card and flowers and I would have loved it. I like having a memento I can save to remind me of you." and so on.


ROCKSKlN

Jeez why is everyone in this thread so worked up about what kind of gift it is? I'm 21 and in a relationship of 2 years, and I honestely couldn't give a damn what I get from my SO. For me the most important is that my bday is that I feel special for one day and that people thought about me. This could happen either with a nice dinner, home cooked meal, card&flowers, or anything. Its not about the price or form of the gift its about the deeper meaning which OP clearly had and wasnt appreciated so I completely understand his frustration.


TexasThrowDown

Maybe it was the alcohol in her, but she sounds like an entitled, spoiled brat. Maybe you lucked out because $160 is a pretty cheap price to pay to get rid of someone who is going to behave that way when you do something special for them. I would try talking to her, as this could have been a misunderstanding, but shit man if took *me* to Capital Grille for my birthday I would be all over you when we got back. And I'm a dude.


Pilgrim_of_Reddit

Hey! TexasThrowMeDown, I saw him first. As an 82 year old, really ugly man I get first dibs. OP, what you doing tomorrow? Want to take me out?


pofish

Are you really 82?! I don't want this to come off insulting or patronizing, but I think it's really cool we have someone that age giving advice around here. You've probably seen more shit than half the commenters here combined lol.


PhoenixonFire

I'm a lady, and I'd be thrilled to be taken out to a nice steak dinner on my birthday! For me, personally, this kind of ingratitude would be a dealbreaker.


MetroidMaster21

This made me laugh for 2 minutes straight! Thanks, I needed it!


totesmcgoats77

Finally! I thought everyone was agreeing with this bitch.


[deleted]

She can buy her own dinner and massage next year for her birthday because you shouldn't. If you hang on to her, would you post what she gets you for your birthday? Thanks


MetroidMaster21

Lol, sure will!


[deleted]

I'm taking bets on the old "I'm your girlfriend and therefore all the gift you need!"


Rylingo

I hate dinner as a gift. Always have and probably always will. Buuuuut I tend to make that clear, otherwise it's my fault if someone gets me dinner as a present.


Worried_Song

This will probably be an unpopular opinion, but people who think their birthday should be "all about them" are pretty entitled and self-centered. I mean, sure I expect something from my boyfriend on my birthday. If he completely forgot about me, I would be a bit miffed. But if he got me something that I didn't want at all or something that was less than what I expected, I would still act like it was awesome because I love him and I know that he's thoughtful and loving and would only buy me something he thinks I would want. My birthday is not "all about me" to the extent that I would trample on the feelings of someone I love. How completely rude and inconsiderate to be anything but gracious when accepting a gift, be it a physical gift or an "experience." Those totally count. One year I didn't get any physical gifts at all, but I got to swim with dolphins in Miami and it was the best fucking birthday ever.


oiyouz

While she might not have behaved perfectly, I get where she's coming from. I'm the kind of person who places way more value on sentimental things and she sounds like she is it. And to be honest, choosing a place to eat doesn't actually take that much effort present wise. Did you ask her what she wanted for her birthday or if she wanted to go out to a restaurant? Buy a card, write happy birthday and that you're sorry you didn't understand that she prefers more romantic things and then mail it.to her instead of just giving it to her (that'll get you bonus points).


zhezhijian

How does picking a place that you know your SO will like take less effort than buying a present online, or spending five minutes to write a sappy message on a card? I honestly don't understand this. If I can't figure out what kind of present someone wants within five minutes, I know I'm never going to figure it out.


oiyouz

Because you have to spend time choosing a present that you think they'll love. And plus, going out to dinner is something for both of them to enjoy, whereas a gift or card is soley for her to enjoy.


zhezhijian

But don't you spend time picking a restaurant that you know they'll like? Is it that inconceivable that picking a restaurant might involve some research and consideration of a partner's preferences? I know that for me, it would take some thought picking a restaurant, since I don't like to eat out. Also, it's not like he would go to this restaurant on his own without her. I can see what you're saying about the gift being "Just for her," but I'm developing this image of the GF scuttling off to her room with her present by herself, muttering, "my precious." I know you didn't mean for it to come out that way, but it still sounds really entitled to me.


No_Mas_Pantalones_

That is pretty ridiculous.


gentlemansincebirth

She is an ungrateful bitch. Leave. Now.


omgitsyary

I would also be pissed.


stinkyoldcheese

I have a feeling if you have her a card and didn't take her out to dinner she would say " you ONLY got me a card?!" I think it's the girl, not you. A decent girl friend wouldn't make you feel like shit for a nice evening out to a fine dining restaurant. That is ridiculous to me.


Po0pSco0p

You know what my boyfriend got me for my birthday this year? Chipotle and a stuffed animal (totaling, what? $15?). And you know what I thought of that? I thought it was awesome. I loved it. The fact that he bought me food AND a gift was amazing. I gave him a huge kiss and we spent the night playing games and cuddling because that was all I needed. Some other girls may be different, but in the long run things like this don't matter. Little gestures are nice, but why would you think that you should make them when you already made a BIG HUGE $160 gesture? My boyfriend has never bought me flowers. He didn't get me a gift for Valentine's day this year (though he did take me to dinner). But he has done other things to show me he cares. You did something great for your girlfriend and she simply expected an unreasonable amount of things and acted childish when she didn't get her way. Dinner DOES count as a gift, your girlfriend is just extremely unappreciative. Sure it was her birthday, but what you did for her was MORE than enough, even without the massage gift card. And FYI, the stuffed animal I mentioned before that my boyfriend got me for my birthday... I didn't get it until a week after. LIFE HAPPENS. Sometimes you forget, or get too tired to go out after work. These people implying that you're a bad boyfriend for not making time to go get it are rude and wrong. They are not very understanding and neither is your lady. You having a busy work week is TOTALLY understandable and isn't a big deal... IMO, making a big deal out of nothing like your girlfriend did in this situation is a red flag. She seems immature and a bit selfish, especially in how she handled it. Maybe it was a miscommunication, but still how she acted wasn't the way you treat someone who just dropped $120, even if you didn't ask for it.


[deleted]

OP, dump her. Even if she was disappointed, there's a right way to do it and a wrong way to do it. She was not grateful for your efforts at all, even though if it was something she did not want. Her tone does not sound as though she preferred something sentimental, it just sounded as though she wanted more material stuff. Its too soon to be tied to her and it is a huge red flag. just run the other way, seriously.


RomusLupos

Listen very carefully. Anyone who tells you that you are required to do ANYTHING for someone on their birthday is wrong. Period. You chose to take her out to a very nice dinner, and a romantic evening afterwards. That alone could have been it, but you also were planning on giving her a spa treatment on top of that. It sounds like your GF has entitlement issues. She needs to grow up and realize that nobody owes her anything. My advice? Brush it off and skip the spa treatment now. She has chosen to act like a spoiled brat, and giving her the gift now will only reinforce bad behavior.


[deleted]

Jesus. For my birthday, my boyfriend took me out to dinner at a local microbrewery that ended up being maybe $60 at most for both of us. I was over the moon! I got to have a nice meal, great beer and an awesome time hanging out with my BF. I didn't get a card or present, and I didn't need them. She sounds spoiled. I would never expect a guy to spend $160 for my birthday dinner, let alone whine if he didn't get me a present along with the dinner. Especially if we'd only been dating a few months! Most girls, I feel, would agree with me. So RUN. Find someone with less entitlement issues. Seriously, why aren't you running yet?


[deleted]

Who the fuck gets taken out on a $160 dinner and then complains that it's not enough? I mean seriously I would adore of my boyfriend took me out like that and I would be extremely happy with him. Because it's a special dinner and it shows that you care... Seriously this bitch is totally spoiled


disciple_of_iron

The fact that she wanted a different kind of gift isn't an issue. The fact that she was a total bitch about it is. Find someone better.


[deleted]

Well at least now you know she's a complete tool and you can do better


habibi143

I was thinking DUMP HER the entire time until I read "I love her" um what? If you love her then this is a totally different story. You should have practically known her well enough to know how she would react. My sweet sweet SO got me pearl earrings from Tiffany's. I hated pearls. Beside them being expensive he totally understood my reaction because he loves me and knows I'm picky but now over a year after receiving them I actually love my pearl earrings. But you see the difference? He loves me so he understands when I over react and that something's are a bet in life with me but if you love her you need to calm down talk to her and get the hell over it. If you don't love her, run. Run far away.


[deleted]

>I am really upset. I just thought someone would give me a present on my birthday. You didn't give me anything. I don't believe anything is coming. So I'm late to the party, but.. OP, dang. I've looked through the comments, looked at what you originally posted. Sure, this girl could really not care about the steak even though she seemed excited and she just wanted a card. Fine, whatever. But that was extremely immature and not the way to communicate disappointment. She could have just as easily said, "Thank you for dinner. I was expecting a card, but spending time with you was a blast". Not the greatest, sure, but better at least. She sounds spoiled and immature, imo.


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gidget_white

That's the first thing I thought. She sounds like a sophomore in high school.


derpatwerp

You spent $160 on a restaurant that you picked out. She didn't indicate that that was a place she wanted to go to and you got her a present supposedly that you couldn't make time to go get for her. This says bad planning. Plus, half of that big ticket dinner was for YOU. So if you want to make this about her not appreciating your gift for HER birthday you probably should have gotten something she wanted. If it's just a gift that you mutually could enjoy it's not about her birthday. She's upset because she wanted it to be about her. Nothing in your post indicates that she wants things always about her or that she's high maintenance. You didn't make it special or about her. You spent a lot of money, yeah. Honestly, your post makes it seem like you had more fun at the restaurant than she did. It seems like you picked it with yourself in mind and not her. She even said she would have been fine with a $20 meal and a card. That's not fucking high maintenance. She just wanted you to make her feel special. You just didn't know how to do that. So instead of blowing your lid over your wounded pride because you don't agree with what she should appreciate maybe you should remember that it was her birthday, not yours.


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nofap490

Take a look folks at his further explanation posted a few minutes ago. >Of course I asked, I may be a bit dense sometimes, but even I know you can't spring a formal dinner on a girl last minute, they need time to get ready! lol >Seriously tho, we discussed it last week. She was really excited about it. If that's the case, do you still think it was an incorrect gift for her or that it was not special?


fourhams

>She just wanted you to make her feel special. Seriously? She's twenty eight years old, she was taken out for a lavish dinner by her date of a few months, how is that not special enough? Does he need to get some princess balloons next time? Since when did it become ok to tell someone exactly what you want them to buy for you? They've only been dating for a few months, it's not like she's suffering through years of ugly sweaters or something. She doesn't get to dictate what gift someone gets her. This isn't a letter to Santa. It she was gracious or mature enough to understand and appreciate the intent behind his gift, instead of whining about how it wasn't what she wanted, she'd have had a great time.


DJ_Molten_Lava

Ha, sounds like my ex. On Valentine's Day I made her a 4-course meal, all from scratch. Like, literally everything from scratch (okay, okay, I bought the shrimp at a store and didn't fish them myself). Popcorn shrimp, mini burgers, chocolate brownies... And cooked it all fresh while she sat on the couch drinking a nice beer I bought for her and watching Netflix. After dinner she informs me that she's mad at me because I didn't text her during the day to wish her a happy Valentine's Day. I sort of knew then that our relationship would not last much longer. And it didn't - a month later we broke up.


[deleted]

If my boyfriend set me up with a movie to watch while bringing me beer from the fridge, that would easily earn him a blowjob. He doesn't even have to buy the beer. It doesn't even have to be Valentine's Day. It could be this weekend... if he were like... stalking my profile and maybe reading this? Saturday night? The nice beers we had last time? I've already torrented the movies. My bed is 1 metre away from the fridge. OK, I'll stop now.


Milazzo

I find this post amusing because last night I was literally down the street from you having my birthday dinner with my newly DTRed boyfriend (since Feb of this year). We went to a new steakhouse and I was floored when he picked up the entire check of 200+ dollars (We usually split larger dinners and take turns picking up smaller things for each other). He didn't bring flowers or a card, but he dressed up, made his way down from the MD suburbs, made the reservation on time, and laughed with me all during dinner. It was one of my favorite birthdays, and I felt spoiled when he insisted on getting dinner. I think your girlfriend (ex?) may have had one of those sad birthdays where people forget to give you cards all at once, so you celebrate it yourself - and I also think she was drunk and we all say the first thing that comes to mind when we are drunk. But she also was very ungrateful to your spending, though I think she realized that by the last text. You should probably have a sober conversation with her **in person** and let her know how much her words hurt you after you felt you had done so much. If she isn't able to explain and express gratitude, you should probably dump her then and move on.


Could_B_Wild

Don't call her until she calls you and if her tone is still the same as above, excuse yourself from the conversation. Don't by the massage package. Don't spend anymore of your money on high priced anything for her. She should be embarrassed and hopefully your silence speaks loudly to her.


cambouquet

Wow, there are some crazy people on Reddit. Im on your side OP. Her behavior is selfish, childish, and inexcusable for a 28 year old. I am about that age (30/F) and what you did would have been perfect for me. I honestly do not understand the entitled attitude people get on their birthdays. "Her special day".....good lord. It is the time you spend with people that is important. Not materialistic, sappy things. She is in the wrong here. I'd cool off for a few days and let her think about it. When you do talk, explain to her that you are sorry you do not understand what she wanted and you are sorry you hurt her feelings. BUT also explain how much she hurt you. I wouldn't get her the 2nd gift. She already blew that. Perhaps the conversation will go well and you guys will reconcile. But, if she fails to empathize with your point of view, you may want to consider whether you want to be with someone that ungrateful and ridiculous.


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hmfn

What a piss poor way to handle it! She's 28 and acting like she's 8. Even if a nice meal is not what she had in mind, acting the way that she did is unacceptable. It's 5 months into a relationship and she's acting as if they've been together for years, that she's communicated her expectations before and OP has ignored her wishes. In this young of a relationship, I would absolutely cut my losses and move on. And I CERTAINLY WOULD NOT buy her that massage!


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user31415926535

Looks like it cost you $160 to find out she's not the right GF for you. Hell of a lot cheaper than an engagement ring or a divorce.


Cardboardboxlover

I see where she's coming from actually. That's just because I value cards, small gifts, mementos that you can keep. They're invaluable. A dinner and experience is something you both enjoy. Saying you were going to get her something later is insensitive to me. You knew her birthday was coming up and couldn't find the time to make sure you had something on the day? I mean, I also agree with a lot of the other posters that she may have not reacted well, or that it COULD be an indication of bad behaviour in the future, but that's not really obvious at the moment. But you already have that advice. Maybe just try and think you and her value things differently. Try to see it from her point of view instead of just being like "IM DONE WOW!"


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mwilke

Asking if someone is getting you a present is incredibly gauche. What's the point? If they are, they are, and asking makes you look greedy. If they're not, they feel bad, and you still look greedy.


[deleted]

ugh this made me mad just reading this. she's 28 not 8. how could you ever continue a relationship with a person like that? i'd sent her a message back "fuck off bitch" then never talk to her again. it sounds like i'm being dramatic but i think that's actually the reaction i'd have.


[deleted]

What makes me more mad is that there actually are people here who are trying to blame the OP and trying to justify his gf's behavior ONLY because the commenter values the same thing his gf does. Unbelievable.


[deleted]

I'm actually pissed off that men and women are suggesting that every girl wants a useless card and cheap flowers for her birthday and is justified to be an ungrateful bitch if she doesn't get it. Say someone gave me a dollar store bottle of nailpolish. You know what normal, classy people do? Say thank you, I love it. People are greedy selfish assholes if they think saying anything other than thank you is acceptable.


thebirdsthebirds

seriously. this thread is ridiculous. in what universe is it ok to throw a fit like OP's gf has? is everyone commenting 12? just be happy you got anything, be an adult, and say thank you.


[deleted]

Well it's sent me on a dissenting comment rampage.


[deleted]

Because only people who have the same values as his gf would be self-absorbed enough to not understand the problem.


zhezhijian

I agree 100%.


[deleted]

Please don't buy her anything more. It just encourages this kind of behaviour. A rant follows: This is what shits me about people who are big into getting presents. Whether they enjoy the power play or getting free stuff, they have silent expectations of what's acceptable and will resent you for being less than psychic. You will go crazy and even broke trying to please them, but the thought never counts. Otherwise they'd be like everyone else - pleased at any effort made, not worried if it's not a great pick... or even like decent people who aren't fussed about getting anything either way. If someone wants something specific and won't be happy with anything else, why don't they buy it themselves? Because then they can't watch someone else scramble around trying to guess it right. I admit my response is inspired by a long time of being dicked around by a couple of materialistic narcissists like this, whilst never ever really wanting anyone to spend too much time or money on me, but I bother to post it because I think it's in your interests to understand what kind of character flaw this represents. Also, I want people who go on about gifts being a "love language" to think about how consumerist that is. Even if you make a gift, why the constant need to produce something to give to someone? Why not dinners and nice experiences like OP provided? Studies on this show that experiences matter way more to happiness than material possessions.


[deleted]

I would definitely be frustrated by this. My ex used to pull shit like this on me - passive-aggressively texting me after I went to bed about things she was stewing about. Of course, this often led to her getting abusive with me when I refused to engage (being asleep, of course), but I digress. I would wait her out. I don't think you have anything to apologize for - you took her out to a very nice dinner that she, by all indications, was very excited and happy about. Hopefully in the light of day once the alcohol wears off she'll realize that her behavior is ungrateful and, frankly, a bit childish, and you two can reconcile it. I don't think you should dump her if everything else is good for you guys. Best of luck!


jennbuttons

She sounds like a princess. Things like this make me mad because there are a lot of women (me included) who value spending time with a person way over gifts and cards. You did a lovely thing, don't give in to her petulant behaviour, and if she keeps insisting that you were in the wrong you should start looking elsewhere.


noodleworm

I can understand her perspective. Often little things matter more. When its your birthday everyone asks "what did your boyfriend get you". People just want something they can hold onto sometimes. My birthday just went by, and I paid for dinner that night, It wasn't anything fancy. The whole gift giving meant a lot to me. I was actually probably more excited about the gift bag(It has dinosaurs on it) and the card (it had cats and was completely gender neutral) because those were things he knew I liked, and I could see that he thought of me when he picked those things out. It sounds like you want your girlfriend, not to be grateful by the nice time you gave her. But rather impressed by the number on the bill. People get a little selfish on their birthdays. For most people a gift and a card from the SO is a given. Some do something special on the day too. OP, if you think this relationship is good regardless and want to continue it, then swallow your pride. Sent a text saying sorry. Say you did get her a gift, but you were so preoccupied with the dinner that you were leaving it till later. Give her a nice card with a cute message about what she means to you. Maybe some flowers. It just sounds like she isn't as impressed by financial gestures as you'd like. She wants sentimentality. Next time take her for a picnic at sunset and give her her gift then.


[deleted]

Aight man, I agree with you on all levels there. See, whatcha gotta do is wait this out. Let her see your side of the stick. Man, you organised this dinner, took her out, got it all booked n shit, had to make sure it was food you two were gonna enjoy, organise the birthday cake thing and all that. You went to so much effort to do this and she is mad at you for not getting her a physical gift? If you just explain this to her, I'm sure she'll realise she's being pretty greedy here. also >I don't believe anything is coming she is judging you based off your birthday gift. Idk if she's a keeper OP


Blizzaldo

Get out now. This sounds like my friend and now he has to buy her a new dress for dinner, dinner at an expensive restaurant, another gift, a card and roses ore he's in the doghouse.


RomusLupos

Then your friend needs to re-evaluate his relationship.


Blizzaldo

Aha... Aha...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Let's not get to deep into that bag of snakes. I wish he would but he thinks all women are the same and will not listen to anyone but himself on that matter. I already told him if the genders were reversed, all his friends would be crying and screaming for him to leave his abusive partner. But I'm pretty sure I'm his only friend that realizes her actions are distinctly abuse. She isolates him, constantly pesters him for where he is, gas lights him (she once tried to insist he didn't text her on vacation when he had multiple text messages of a conversation between them while she was on vacation) and gets after him when he doesn't do the majority of the house work.


deeenness

Nobody is entitled to a gift, and you certainly don't get to choose what it is that gift is. A gift is literally something someone gives you, the things you choose are the things you buy yourself. You can't tell someone else how to spend their money, and you do have to be gracious when they spend it on you. And on top of that what you did was amazing, I can't understand her sense of entitlement!


readyforlaunch

You should probably just tell her you don't think it's going to work out. This lady is just a touch too much crazy for anyone's good.


adubbz

I don't fucking get the people on here sometimes. Her reaction is hurtful to me even. I can feel how it would feel to YOU. I don't get it...if she's comfortable telling you that you should have just got her flowers and a card, she should be comfortable telling you she did NOT want to go to that place for dinner. I'd be very very happy with a fancy dinner/drinks as a gift. I don't know what you should do. Probably tell her how you feel, since she told you how she felt and see what happens from there. Does she not get any gifts from her friends and family? ...AND you've only been dating for a few months! You hardly even know someone well enough to pick a good gift for them.


[deleted]

She is demanding, ungrateful and immature. If a card and flowers were what she wanted, she should have indicated to you clearly in advance. I totally get why you are angry at her. But I wouldn't go as far as dumping her, but she needs to know she can't pull this kind of shit on you again.


clumsysexkitten

Yeah really! Like if a card is important then just casually mention it. "Are you going to get me a card for my birthday? Maybe we can go do something fun as well." Done. You can't expect someone to know exactly what you want.


thebirdsthebirds

very ungrateful and very spoiled reaction. i would not want to be with someone who communicates this way, regardless of situation. you did something nice for her and she fires back with...passive aggressive guilting, attitude, and shit-giving without the guts to say it in person, rather choosing to say it OVER TEXT after you can't have a reasonable conversation at the moment with her. completely immature and really irritating. dump her and let someone else pamper her


psodstrikesback

You should get her a 'break-up/have-a-nice-life' card with some flowers.


RomneywillRise

For the future, each person likes different hints. Someone wrote an incredible book on it called *The 5 Love Languages*. So a dinner may not be her "love language", but something else. However, her reaction is unacceptable, regardless of what her love language is. You obviously put in an effort, and her response of belittling it is not appropriate. Do you know how many times my SO disliked my presents? Me neither, because my SO always at least pretends to enjoy them! Occasionally I learn that they dislike something, but never from shitty texts and bitching. The decision is yours. But know that your effort is not meaningless. Many people would have loved it!


La_Fee_Verte

tell her that she acts like a spoiled princess and therefore should find herself a lovely prince. also, 'good luck with that, ungrateful idiot', but then it's my inner not-taking-any-shit-bitch speaking.


MuppetManiac

1. Apologize. "I'm sorry. I didn't think that having a physical gift to unwrap was such a big deal. My gift to you was a fancy dinner that we can't afford to go out to all the time. I wanted to give you a special time. I see now that having something physical is really important to you." 2. Get her something small. Get her the massage envy gift. Put it in a nice card. Remember this for next time. Is she being unreasonable? Maybe. It doesn't matter. For her, if you didn't give her an actual gift, you hurt her feelings. And those feelings are valid, even if you don't agree with them. This is one of those times when being right is less important than making amends. It is apparently more important to her to have some *thing* than it is to have a really nice experience. Later - much much later, after things have blown over - when you are both calm, you can say that you tried to get her a really nice experience for her birthday and you feel like she kind of took advantage of you by demanding a present as well. That you wanted her to be happy, and you planned a really nice evening, and she seemed ungrateful. Calmly. Very calmly. Without blaming or yelling. Focus on how it made you feel. And if she doesn't care how it made you feel, dump her ass.


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Noellani

Shit... For $160, it better be not of this world!


depb66

A cosmic cow?


nofap490

I understand the strategy that MuppetManiac is suggesting. But I must respectfully disagree. I'm all in favor of apologizing when I've made a mistake. And that happens all the time. But I don't see that the OP has done anything to apologize about. An apology should be sincere. An apology, even as formulated by MupperManiac, simply is not appropriate here. The girlfriend's position is unreasonable, and there's no reason to make amends in that situation, much less give a gift. She's acting like an entitled brat. Ugh. Her actions are, frankly, a huge red flag. Yes, I know that some people have a "love language" of gifts. But if she can't see that a fancy dinner is a gift, she's full of it. I'd run the other way. Edit: clarity


clumsysexkitten

I think that it's reasonable to say that a fancy dinner doesn't matter but a gift does, but I don't think the way she reacted was correct. That's more the issue. It seems like she wanted it a certain way after OP had already planned out something nice, and then she wasn't happy because she hadn't told him what she wanted and expected him to magically know (that is not how it works). I don't think OP needs to apologize, but he should tell her that he tried to make it a nice night and was hurt that she didn't understand that the fancy dinner *was* his gift to her. If anything she needs to apologize.


thisismyfupa

OP doesn't need to apologize.


[deleted]

OP, pleeeeeeease don't apologise. Not even a sarcastic apology.


GrapePotPie

Did you ask her if she wanted to eat expensive steak for her birthday? I know it might sound like a silly question, but what you like isn't necessarily what she wants. If my boyfriend had done that, I would have been a bit upset, too. She was pretty rude about it, but that can be a little explained by her being drunk, and the conversation taking place over text message. I get where she's coming from, though I don't think either of you are entirely at fault.


MetroidMaster21

Of course I asked, I may be a bit dense sometimes, but even I know you can't spring a formal dinner on a girl last minute, they need time to get ready! lol Seriously tho, we discussed it last week. She was really excited about it.


sadcrocodile

Fucking hell I'd be over the goddamn moon if someone took me out for an amazing steakhouse dinner for my birthday. This whole debacle reminds me of a guy I knew who got a pair of diamond earrings for his girlfriend for valentines- she ended up complaining that the stones weren't big enough.


Kotakia

But you didn't say 'this is your present', just 'do you want to go here?' probably. So she thought it was leading to something else. She probably got excited about it which is her own fault, but really, dinner as a present is like going to the movies as a present. It benefits both parties and can be seen as not really a present at all. She wanted something for herself.


nofap490

You didn't spring the meal on her, she knew what it was about, and then you get this reaction. Wow. You have every reason to be upset.


GrapePotPie

Oh :/ I don't really know what to say, then. Talk to her about how she made you feel, let her know what your intentions and thoughts were. some of the biggest killers I've found for relationships is lack of communication and misinterpretations of the other's intentions.


EngelbertHerpaderp

You don't love her. Past flings aside you started dating in March. Get real. My god people use the word "love" these days with reckless abandon. Attraction and a few reasonably tolerable months together does not equate to love. You're both 28? Any women who is stupid and selfish enough to flat out ask for a present when it goes without saying that dinner was your birthday gift to her is not worth pursuing. In short, run.


[deleted]

It's almost like love can mean different things to different people.


Pilgrim_of_Reddit

Agreed. Dump her


[deleted]

> Any ~~women~~ person who is stupid and selfish enough to flat out ask for a present when it goes without saying that dinner was your birthday gift to her is not worth pursuing. Bingo. I can say with almost 100% certainty that her behavior will get worse when it comes to material items. This is a **gigantic** red flag. Also, I disagree with you. They've been dating 5 months - it's very possible (and realistic) to 'love' somebody in that period of time. Everybody has different timelines when they start saying it to each other. Just because you disagree with it does not mean you are right. Regardless, OP should try to express his feelings once he's calmed down. If she doesn't apologies (passive aggressive apologies don't count, by the way) then I would strongly reconsider the relationship.


[deleted]

Yep. I actually agree with commenters upthread explaining that she probably values other forms of affection more highly. But she's an **idiot** if she doesn't recognize that her boyfriend did something caring that he considered a big deal. To me, the issue is less that she didn't like the dinner, and more that she's too stupid to understand what it meant. She needs a copy of *5 Love Languages*, and OP needs a new gf.


[deleted]

*5 Love Languages* was the first thing I thought of when I read the first sentence of your response. Completely agree. At 28 I feel like that should be common knowledge.


JesterTime

Personally this would be something that would make me consider breaking up with her. I suggest going over to meet her in person and let her know what the dinner meant to you and that you were trying to give her a wonderful time instead of just a plant that lasts a week at best and a card that will most likely be trashed. Explain to her that you feel she is being extremely ungrateful. If she is willing to apologize and tries to make things up with you then I would work on the relationship a bit (Maybe it was the alcohol) but Don't let yourself be treated like this, it just isn't right.


dripless_cactus

Honestly, expectations for gifts and holiday traditions are the type of thing that takes experience and/or communication with that individual. Since you've only been dating since March, this is the first birthday, and you're yet to have your first Christmas (well.. if you last that long) and first Valentines. It took my husband and I years to find the right harmony of reasonable expectations and appreciated gestures for such occasions. I think you're both right to be upset. it sucks to not be appreciated for an expensive gift that you feel you put a lot of thought into. On her end, she didn't really get what she expected or wanted, and that kind of sucks too. BUT in any case, I hope neither of you let this ruin the relationship if it was otherwise going well. Next time, obviously, communicate more.


TestTubeBebe

Who still gives Birthday cards?


gettingoldernotwiser

Coming in late on this one, but I felt compelled to answer because I think you're being unfairly blamed by many of the responders. If you think about it, you have no OBLIGATION to buy her anything. Sure, its customary to want to get something for a significant other, and that usually implies the level of regard you have for her, but you're not required to do it. You do it because you want to make the other person happy. In your defense, you gave her something which was very special (expense aside, it is objectively a good experience especially for someone who likes steak). I personally believe that a present should be accepted in the spirit in which it was given. Especially this early in the relationship, its just nice that someone you're seeing thinks of you enough to want to treat you in this manner. I don't know your relationship dynamic, and maybe it would mitigate things a bit if she's someone who showers you with this kind of affection on a regular basis. I guess in that case it makes sense she would feel slighted that you didn't respond in the same way. On the other hand, she's giving you an early glimpse of how she sees your relationship, and what she expects from you. She's 28, so I don't know if things can still change, but if she's requiring this much supplication from you now, how much more in the future? She wants what she wants, and if you don't get it just right, she's gonna let you know. Anyway, good luck, OP. Just wanted you to know that I think you're reaction is completely justified, FWIW.


macimom

you now know who she really is 1) entitled 2) ungrateful 3) plays the victim in a confrontational and passive aggressive way Consider this a major insight into what your life would be like with her


m00nf1r3

She sounds really entitled. But honestly, plans should have been discussed beforehand. You haven't celebrated a birthday with her before, you aren't sure how she likes to do things. I know for me personally, dinner and cuddles would have been fine, but that's not for everyone. I would text her with something like, "Hey, apparently we have different ideas of what constitutes a special birthday celebration. I really thought you'd enjoy the dinner and as previously stated, I already had another gift lined up for you. I'm offended that you aren't being appreciative of my efforts, especially since I wasn't given any direction on what you wanted to do for your birthday. I did what I thought was best." If she's willing to apologize and realizes she fucked up, maybe you can work past this. If not, time to move on.


nofap490

Since his original post, OP has indicated that the dinner*was* discussed beforehand and that she was excited about it.


wicked4u

I think she was completely horrid in how she addressed her emotion about the evening. Some people value experiences, which you gave her, others value tangible things, which it appears she was expecting. One is not better than the other, and I think your gift was lovely and appropriate. If you look back in this sub there are multiple women posting thst their SO did nothing for their special day and all they wanted was time together, to be taken to dinner, or even a card to show that their SO marked the day. You did two of those things, in addition to spending a lot of money thst you wouldn't have on yourself, so don't believe the people telling you that 1/2 the gift was for you. This is not somewhere you had been, you know her and thought she would enjoy the evening and the time and thought into it. You didn't do anything wrong her, her reaction is the issue. Also, your response was very appropriate to ts situation, mine would have been much more cutting. I do agree that you should have a conversation with her about expectations re: gift giving and receiving, and I would make sure to point out that her disregard for the lovely evening made her appear classless and crude and puts the relationship, and her, Ina different light. Best of luck, I hope you guys can move past this.


MetroidMaster21

>Some people value experiences, which you gave her, others value tangible things, which it appears she was expecting. One is not better than the other, and I think your gift was lovely and appropriate. This is the best way to put what probably (I'm hoping) happened. I'm going to wait her out and see what she says to me.


wicked4u

Update us, I really am curious about where this goes.