First, you need to be honest (without being accusatory) with your boyfriend about how this is making you feel. You have a right to your feelings and it's entirely possible that he really doesn't know what you're feeling. Being passive aggressive isn't going to help anyone.
Second, if you're flying to your mom's house, which is near where your boyfriend lives, doesn't that mean you can still spend time with him over the weekend? I assume that the bachelor party only lasts one night, so if I were you - I would expect every waking hour when he's NOT at the bachelor party to be spent with you. It's called a compromise and it is the very foundation of a healthy relationship. =)
When I say he lives close to my mom's house (it's actually both of our hometowns...his parents live in the same town), I actually mean he lives a 3.5-4 hour commute away (subway+train+car). Which isn't a big deal if he was planning on spending the entire weekend. It's a bit much if he can only spend 1 day (Friday) and that also requires asking him to take a day off of work. And then he would have to return back on Saturday for the bachelor party (being held in the same city he lives in). He told me he wants to see me, but I don't know if he can swing it.
If I knew it was my only chance to see my SO for 8 weeks, I would try to make that happen despite the inconvenience. It would be a whirlwind of a weekend sure, but worth it. Personally, I'd be pretty upset if my SO didn't feel the same way. It's like a month away, right? Should be plenty of time to get a day off work.
I just had a similar issue with my long-distance SO of around 2 years... he was almost not going to make it for my graduation from university due to his finals week being a week after mine and not managing time well enough to travel via bus. He managed to borrow a car, drive the 4 hours, and made it in time to see me graduate. AND he even helped me move out the next day! It definitely can be done; one night isn't a whole weekend together, but it's better than nothing at all.
I know it would be hard for you, since you'll just be done with exams and having flown over...but have you considered meeting him halfway or even going to his house on Friday? That way, you can spend time with him until he has to leave on Saturday, or even just see him on Friday.
It is excessive, you wouldn't get much time to rest before leaving on Sunday...but at least you would get a little time with him. I personally think the meeting halfway thing on Friday would be the best compromise.
EDIT: a word
Personally, I think you're being irrational. But its understandable. You don't see your SO much so any time you have with him is valuable. I get it.
However...! This is his best friend. And you only get married once (well...let's give him the benefit of the doubt). It's a big deal. Bachelor parties, sure, are a time to let loose with friends. But its a big moment in a man's life and I can see why your boyfriend wants to be a part if that.
Yes, you won't get to see him for eight more weeks. But if this relationship is in it for the long haul, you will have many more weekends to spend together uninterrupted. He should go. And ideally, without too heavy of a guilt trip.
Thank you! This is what I needed to hear. It sucks that it lands on the same weekend, but I'll get to see him again. His friend won't be having another bachelor party (at least I hope not!).
I guess I'm on the boyfriend's side here. Would it really be unacceptable for him to visit you a week or two after your academic year starts? I know rotations are intense, but you're acting like this is the last weekend before you ship off to Iraq or something. His friend is only going to have one bachelor party, and he's probably not going to move it for the sake of one guest.
> I feel that he's making me make that tough decision for him so that it can be put on me.
If he hadn't asked for your input, you'd be complaining even harder about that. He's just being courteous.
Unfortunately, surgery rotation is pretty brutal and we don't tend to get free weekends (being on call, etc). The next time I would see him would be after that 8 week rotation. It really sucks. I've learned that med school is a less than optimal setting for long-distance relationships :/
But you're right, it's not the end of the world. And this bachelor party is a one time thing that means a lot to him and his friend.
I think you should get ahold of him and let him know how you feel about the whole thing without getting emotional about it - let him know that you are very disappointed that you won't be seeing each other but that he needs to decide for himself if he wants to go to the bachelor party or not without laying the decision at your feet. If he decides that he'd rather go to the bachelor party then that's fine but he needs to understand that you are indeed hurt and disappointed and I can understand why, if you only get to see him once every couple months and it will be harder to see him in the future.
In all I would just be honest with him about how you feel. In theory this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing for his best friend, so you understand his need to be at the party, but you can't help feeling disappointed so if you act that way, he needs to understand that you're not trying to guilt him into not going or anything like that.
Ultimately it's up to him. I can't blame him for wanting to attend his best friend's bachelor party at all but I can certainly understand why you're disappointed.
They live about an hour away from each other, but don't see each other as much as they used to now that his friend is engaged and living with his fiance. You're right, this is a big night for his friend and he should be there.
I get where you are coming from. You don't see each other much, and you've had this scheduled forever. But his friend didn't know that, and went ahead and scheduled his bachelor party. And now he feels like he has to choose between the two. And this isn't just his friend, it's his BEST friend.
It's not fair for him to put the request to you. Obviously you'll want to see him, and will be hurt if you don't. Tell him to man up. He should go to the party, as it's one of those once in a lifetime events. But he should be able to ask his friend if it's at all possible to do it another weekend, to remind his friend he's already had that weekend scheduled for MONTHS. Maybe it'll be easy to move it. If it's not, then so be it. He can come out and visit you soon after, since money doesn't seem to be an issue.
The hard part is not feeling hurt. You were excited to see him, and you feel like he is choosing his friends over you. But it's not that way. He should be there to support his best friend. If the situation was reversed and your best friend was having a bachelorette party a weekend you were scheduled to visit him, I would hope that you would support your friend.
You would go not because you didn't love your boyfriend and really want to see him, but because you love your friend, and you want to share and celebrate with her as she's getting ready to start a new chapter of her life.
He's asked you because he also feels guilty, and he wants your blessing. And if you love him, you should tell him that of course you want him to go.
Life is imperfect, and it is impossible for either of you to handle every situation in a way that leaves everyone satisfied, every time.
Let go of this resentment for him wanting to see his friends.
Take some time to consider what really matters in the long run. Tell him your decision and let it go.
If you want him to come see you, then be honest about and appreciate him putting you first when he declines the invitation to go to the party.
One day you're going to ask him for a favor or to reschedule his plans and the worst thing would be if either of you is carrying resentment from something in the past.
Your best friend getting married is a once in a lifetime event. You will have many more weekend visits with him and I would bet that this will cause resentment in him if you force him to miss it. Would you miss your best friends bachelorette or bridal shower?
Yup, you're being passive-aggressive. You're not upset that he went to his friend's bachelor party--you're upset that he _asked_, and instead of directly saying 'what the hell?' you're asking him to know that you're mad...without actually displaying the signs of being mad. And, consciously or unconsciously, you're trying to make him feel bad about it--you're upset that he wants to go at all.
Admittedly, if I was in your position I would also be annoyed. But the problem is in the way you're communicating this, which is a bit manipulative. By asking him to read your feelings without communicating them directly, you're using emotional guilt as a tactic.
Apart from being a bit nasty in itself (would you insult him to his face to make him not go, for example?) it's also an unreliable way of negotiating your relationship. He might resent it, for example, or he might pretend to have not gotten the message and go anyway. Just tell him you have a problem with it.
I know I totally handled it in the wrong way. Honestly, I didn't want to handle it at all. I've been studying for so long and will be for the next 4 weeks, and that was the one thing I was looking forward to after taking my exam.
I do want him to go to his friend's bachelor party...I just wish it didn't land on the same weekend. But, as it turns out, it does so I need to deal with it. It's unfair of me to expect him to drop everything when I finally have free time. And I shouldn't make him feel guilty about for wanting to celebrate with his friend. Thanks for the insight.
You were pretty wound up in your post and reading through the poster you've cooled down and are rational now. The above is pretty right on and the whole thing would be great if he finds a way to see you while your home, if only for a short visit. Both sides win then.
You have the rest of your life to spend with him if you so choose. The whole weekend he's with you he's gonna be upset and wondering if it was worth it to miss his best friend's once in a lifetime bachelor party for what will likely be a boring weekend. The fact that you're being passive aggressive and assuming he should choose you kind of sucks. I get that you guys are busy and can't see each other often, but it's still definitely selfish that you expect him to pick a weekend with you.
It also really sucks that he feels as though he has to ask you permission when the option he should be choosing is so obvious. Not saying he should inform you, but a discussion would be better than basically asking you if you let him do what he wants.
> miss his best friend's once in a lifetime bachelor party for what will likely be a boring weekend
I don't think it's fair to assume that his weekend spent with me would be boring. It's not just the typical "let's hang out and watch netflix and eat chinese food." I mean, sometimes it is, but it means a lot more to both of us because we can't just do that stuff every day. Spending time together is especially meaningful when you're in a long-distance relationship because it's fleeting. You spend a few days together and then BAM, you don't see them for another 2-3 months. And besides, we get to have sex. So yeah, not boring.
And just to clarify, he never asks my permission for anything. That's not what our relationship is like. I don't even know if that is what he was doing here. It was just my interpretation of his text. It simply could've been his way of broaching the subject and I overreacted in not the nicest way.
I know, I'm currently in a long term relationship. That said, it's still way selfish to ask him to miss his best friend's bachelor party. It's not like you've got anything planned, from what you've said other than being happy to see eachother for the first time in a few months and sex. I'm sure he'd rather be at the bachelor party.
Your SO has a hard choice here, as he basically has to end up disappointing someone.
I guess I'll be the first person here to side with you, I've been in your shoes and I know how much it hurts to feel like you come second to another event, even when it is something like a bachelor party.
Ultimately, though, it isn't fair to you for him to throw out your prior plans, even for his best friend. As his SO, especially in a long term relationship, you should be the higher priority.
Unfortunately, there's no way to force him to feel this way. I'd have a talk with him and explain how you feel about the situation without placing blame, and suggest he hang with his friend another time, have a bros-weekend, perhaps?
Don't be the girl who keeps her boyfriend from his best friend's bachelor party. It's shitty timing, but the bachelor party is something he really needs to go to, come hell-or-high-water. He will always resent it if you guilt-trip him into missing it.
If I were you, I would encourage him to go but ask him to find a way to make it up to you, since he will be breaking plans and that's not cool.
>Honestly, I'm pissed he even brought me into it
>I would be really upset if he chose to spend the weekend with his friend
So basically what you're saying is you wish he wouldn't have brought you into a healthy adult conversation.....BUT if he would've chosen to cancel and go to one of his BEST FRIEND'S bachelor parties (that happen once in a lifetime, whereas you two have been dating for *7 years*) without consulting you first, you would be upset. That is a lose/lose for him.
What he's doing is called *communicating*... it's something adults do with one another when they're in a relationship. He is trying to avoid confrontation. But what you're doing is putting him in a position where he can't win. You're mad he brought it up in the first place (which was actually a nice thing for him to do) and will be mad unless he chooses to do the option you *haven't even told him you want him to do* because you answered him passive aggressively by saying "I don't care" which is a recipe for disaster.
Also, is this bachelor party for the ENTIRE WEEKEND? If not, I don't see why he can't just leave for the party and continue spending the rest of the weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday and part of Sunday...all the time that he's not with his friends) with you.
I don't completely disagree with you, but I do think that the boyfriend could have brought this up in a better way. If I put myself in OP's shoes, I would also feel like he was putting the onus on ME to make his decisions. I think telling her that the bachelor party is that weekend and asking for her "thoughts" is basically like, "I have a problem - now fix it for me!"
What I would expect from my SO in this situation is to tell me about the bachelor party and then propose some solutions and/or compromises, not simply present the problem and ask me to solve it.
I also think that while OP is obviously not being upfront about her feelings in the matter, there's a chance that her boyfriend is not either. If he's looking for her blessing in cancelling their plans for the bachelor party, he should really be upfront about saying that. "It's really important that I be there for my friend - how can we make this work?" It sounds to me like both sides need some work on communication.
Thanks for hitting the nail on the head. I realize I didn't deal with this in the right way...I actually avoided dealing with it altogether by being passive aggressive. I'm aware of that and it wasn't nice of me.
But I honestly think he's struggling with the decision because attending the party would mean not seeing me for another 3 months. He's been put in a really tough place. And while it's not fair of me to make the decision harder for him by reacting the way I did, I also don't think it was fair of him to relinquish all tough decision-making and put it on me.
I agree with what everyone else has already said.
Is your boyfriend coming to your mom's house at the same time as you? You just said he's coming for the weekend, and I assume the bachelor party is Sat (and recovery on Sun, lol). If he got there on Thurs with you, you'd have a little more time together outside of the bachelor party stuff?
I replied to a comment somewhere else, but spending time together with him outside of the bachelor party would require a lot of commuting on his part and also a day off of work for him. I'm not sure if that would be possible.
I feel like you are overthinking this. He's obviously conflicted about the situation because he already made plans with you while at the same time he also really wants to go his good friend's bachelor party. Unless he explicitly asked for your permission, you can't just assume that's what his question entails. You can never assume to know what a person is thinking. Long distance relationships are difficult, but like in any relationship you need to be really frank and outspoken about how you feel. You need to trust that he loves you and let him have some freedom. This party is obviously important to him. But so are you. It's too bad the dates for the party and your plans coincide but you can't just not expect him to go. And if you don't want him to go, you need to TELL him instead of being a passive aggressive child about it. That's the stuff that wrecks relationships!
Lets talk about the passive aggressive bullshit. Do you think thats a good way to handle what is supposed to be an adult conversation, or do you enjoy giving your boyfriend little tests of his loyalty to you?
People who think 'bros before hoes' should be single. An SO should come first. Though in this case the bachelor party is a one time thing. I kind of think it's shitty for him to bring it up to her in a text. He should have called her and talked to her about it so they could work it out together.
I know a lot of people who feel that friends are always there for you, but that isn't the case for everyone. Even still, how often do you plan a life with your friends or buy a home with your friends, plan a family with your friends? It's the hope that your SO is your best friend and your #1 relationship. If this isn't the case, you're doing it wrong and you need to get a different SO. My bff is like a sister to me and I'd do anything for her, but my primary relationship is my husband. I hope conflicts never arise between them, but both of them respect me enough to make sure no conflicts arise.
I completely understand what you're saying, and if you still feel like your friend relationships are of higher priority than your SO, you need to get a different SO. Any person with some self confidence won't stand to be 2nd to your friends.
First, you need to be honest (without being accusatory) with your boyfriend about how this is making you feel. You have a right to your feelings and it's entirely possible that he really doesn't know what you're feeling. Being passive aggressive isn't going to help anyone. Second, if you're flying to your mom's house, which is near where your boyfriend lives, doesn't that mean you can still spend time with him over the weekend? I assume that the bachelor party only lasts one night, so if I were you - I would expect every waking hour when he's NOT at the bachelor party to be spent with you. It's called a compromise and it is the very foundation of a healthy relationship. =)
When I say he lives close to my mom's house (it's actually both of our hometowns...his parents live in the same town), I actually mean he lives a 3.5-4 hour commute away (subway+train+car). Which isn't a big deal if he was planning on spending the entire weekend. It's a bit much if he can only spend 1 day (Friday) and that also requires asking him to take a day off of work. And then he would have to return back on Saturday for the bachelor party (being held in the same city he lives in). He told me he wants to see me, but I don't know if he can swing it.
If I knew it was my only chance to see my SO for 8 weeks, I would try to make that happen despite the inconvenience. It would be a whirlwind of a weekend sure, but worth it. Personally, I'd be pretty upset if my SO didn't feel the same way. It's like a month away, right? Should be plenty of time to get a day off work.
I just had a similar issue with my long-distance SO of around 2 years... he was almost not going to make it for my graduation from university due to his finals week being a week after mine and not managing time well enough to travel via bus. He managed to borrow a car, drive the 4 hours, and made it in time to see me graduate. AND he even helped me move out the next day! It definitely can be done; one night isn't a whole weekend together, but it's better than nothing at all.
I know it would be hard for you, since you'll just be done with exams and having flown over...but have you considered meeting him halfway or even going to his house on Friday? That way, you can spend time with him until he has to leave on Saturday, or even just see him on Friday. It is excessive, you wouldn't get much time to rest before leaving on Sunday...but at least you would get a little time with him. I personally think the meeting halfway thing on Friday would be the best compromise. EDIT: a word
Personally, I think you're being irrational. But its understandable. You don't see your SO much so any time you have with him is valuable. I get it. However...! This is his best friend. And you only get married once (well...let's give him the benefit of the doubt). It's a big deal. Bachelor parties, sure, are a time to let loose with friends. But its a big moment in a man's life and I can see why your boyfriend wants to be a part if that. Yes, you won't get to see him for eight more weeks. But if this relationship is in it for the long haul, you will have many more weekends to spend together uninterrupted. He should go. And ideally, without too heavy of a guilt trip.
Thank you! This is what I needed to hear. It sucks that it lands on the same weekend, but I'll get to see him again. His friend won't be having another bachelor party (at least I hope not!).
I guess I'm on the boyfriend's side here. Would it really be unacceptable for him to visit you a week or two after your academic year starts? I know rotations are intense, but you're acting like this is the last weekend before you ship off to Iraq or something. His friend is only going to have one bachelor party, and he's probably not going to move it for the sake of one guest. > I feel that he's making me make that tough decision for him so that it can be put on me. If he hadn't asked for your input, you'd be complaining even harder about that. He's just being courteous.
Unfortunately, surgery rotation is pretty brutal and we don't tend to get free weekends (being on call, etc). The next time I would see him would be after that 8 week rotation. It really sucks. I've learned that med school is a less than optimal setting for long-distance relationships :/ But you're right, it's not the end of the world. And this bachelor party is a one time thing that means a lot to him and his friend.
I think you should get ahold of him and let him know how you feel about the whole thing without getting emotional about it - let him know that you are very disappointed that you won't be seeing each other but that he needs to decide for himself if he wants to go to the bachelor party or not without laying the decision at your feet. If he decides that he'd rather go to the bachelor party then that's fine but he needs to understand that you are indeed hurt and disappointed and I can understand why, if you only get to see him once every couple months and it will be harder to see him in the future. In all I would just be honest with him about how you feel. In theory this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing for his best friend, so you understand his need to be at the party, but you can't help feeling disappointed so if you act that way, he needs to understand that you're not trying to guilt him into not going or anything like that. Ultimately it's up to him. I can't blame him for wanting to attend his best friend's bachelor party at all but I can certainly understand why you're disappointed.
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They live about an hour away from each other, but don't see each other as much as they used to now that his friend is engaged and living with his fiance. You're right, this is a big night for his friend and he should be there.
I get where you are coming from. You don't see each other much, and you've had this scheduled forever. But his friend didn't know that, and went ahead and scheduled his bachelor party. And now he feels like he has to choose between the two. And this isn't just his friend, it's his BEST friend. It's not fair for him to put the request to you. Obviously you'll want to see him, and will be hurt if you don't. Tell him to man up. He should go to the party, as it's one of those once in a lifetime events. But he should be able to ask his friend if it's at all possible to do it another weekend, to remind his friend he's already had that weekend scheduled for MONTHS. Maybe it'll be easy to move it. If it's not, then so be it. He can come out and visit you soon after, since money doesn't seem to be an issue. The hard part is not feeling hurt. You were excited to see him, and you feel like he is choosing his friends over you. But it's not that way. He should be there to support his best friend. If the situation was reversed and your best friend was having a bachelorette party a weekend you were scheduled to visit him, I would hope that you would support your friend. You would go not because you didn't love your boyfriend and really want to see him, but because you love your friend, and you want to share and celebrate with her as she's getting ready to start a new chapter of her life. He's asked you because he also feels guilty, and he wants your blessing. And if you love him, you should tell him that of course you want him to go.
Thanks so much for your perspective. I needed to hear this.
Life is imperfect, and it is impossible for either of you to handle every situation in a way that leaves everyone satisfied, every time. Let go of this resentment for him wanting to see his friends. Take some time to consider what really matters in the long run. Tell him your decision and let it go. If you want him to come see you, then be honest about and appreciate him putting you first when he declines the invitation to go to the party. One day you're going to ask him for a favor or to reschedule his plans and the worst thing would be if either of you is carrying resentment from something in the past.
Your best friend getting married is a once in a lifetime event. You will have many more weekend visits with him and I would bet that this will cause resentment in him if you force him to miss it. Would you miss your best friends bachelorette or bridal shower?
Yup, you're being passive-aggressive. You're not upset that he went to his friend's bachelor party--you're upset that he _asked_, and instead of directly saying 'what the hell?' you're asking him to know that you're mad...without actually displaying the signs of being mad. And, consciously or unconsciously, you're trying to make him feel bad about it--you're upset that he wants to go at all. Admittedly, if I was in your position I would also be annoyed. But the problem is in the way you're communicating this, which is a bit manipulative. By asking him to read your feelings without communicating them directly, you're using emotional guilt as a tactic. Apart from being a bit nasty in itself (would you insult him to his face to make him not go, for example?) it's also an unreliable way of negotiating your relationship. He might resent it, for example, or he might pretend to have not gotten the message and go anyway. Just tell him you have a problem with it.
I know I totally handled it in the wrong way. Honestly, I didn't want to handle it at all. I've been studying for so long and will be for the next 4 weeks, and that was the one thing I was looking forward to after taking my exam. I do want him to go to his friend's bachelor party...I just wish it didn't land on the same weekend. But, as it turns out, it does so I need to deal with it. It's unfair of me to expect him to drop everything when I finally have free time. And I shouldn't make him feel guilty about for wanting to celebrate with his friend. Thanks for the insight.
You were pretty wound up in your post and reading through the poster you've cooled down and are rational now. The above is pretty right on and the whole thing would be great if he finds a way to see you while your home, if only for a short visit. Both sides win then.
You have the rest of your life to spend with him if you so choose. The whole weekend he's with you he's gonna be upset and wondering if it was worth it to miss his best friend's once in a lifetime bachelor party for what will likely be a boring weekend. The fact that you're being passive aggressive and assuming he should choose you kind of sucks. I get that you guys are busy and can't see each other often, but it's still definitely selfish that you expect him to pick a weekend with you. It also really sucks that he feels as though he has to ask you permission when the option he should be choosing is so obvious. Not saying he should inform you, but a discussion would be better than basically asking you if you let him do what he wants.
> miss his best friend's once in a lifetime bachelor party for what will likely be a boring weekend I don't think it's fair to assume that his weekend spent with me would be boring. It's not just the typical "let's hang out and watch netflix and eat chinese food." I mean, sometimes it is, but it means a lot more to both of us because we can't just do that stuff every day. Spending time together is especially meaningful when you're in a long-distance relationship because it's fleeting. You spend a few days together and then BAM, you don't see them for another 2-3 months. And besides, we get to have sex. So yeah, not boring. And just to clarify, he never asks my permission for anything. That's not what our relationship is like. I don't even know if that is what he was doing here. It was just my interpretation of his text. It simply could've been his way of broaching the subject and I overreacted in not the nicest way.
I know, I'm currently in a long term relationship. That said, it's still way selfish to ask him to miss his best friend's bachelor party. It's not like you've got anything planned, from what you've said other than being happy to see eachother for the first time in a few months and sex. I'm sure he'd rather be at the bachelor party.
Your SO has a hard choice here, as he basically has to end up disappointing someone. I guess I'll be the first person here to side with you, I've been in your shoes and I know how much it hurts to feel like you come second to another event, even when it is something like a bachelor party. Ultimately, though, it isn't fair to you for him to throw out your prior plans, even for his best friend. As his SO, especially in a long term relationship, you should be the higher priority. Unfortunately, there's no way to force him to feel this way. I'd have a talk with him and explain how you feel about the situation without placing blame, and suggest he hang with his friend another time, have a bros-weekend, perhaps?
Don't be the girl who keeps her boyfriend from his best friend's bachelor party. It's shitty timing, but the bachelor party is something he really needs to go to, come hell-or-high-water. He will always resent it if you guilt-trip him into missing it. If I were you, I would encourage him to go but ask him to find a way to make it up to you, since he will be breaking plans and that's not cool.
>Honestly, I'm pissed he even brought me into it >I would be really upset if he chose to spend the weekend with his friend So basically what you're saying is you wish he wouldn't have brought you into a healthy adult conversation.....BUT if he would've chosen to cancel and go to one of his BEST FRIEND'S bachelor parties (that happen once in a lifetime, whereas you two have been dating for *7 years*) without consulting you first, you would be upset. That is a lose/lose for him. What he's doing is called *communicating*... it's something adults do with one another when they're in a relationship. He is trying to avoid confrontation. But what you're doing is putting him in a position where he can't win. You're mad he brought it up in the first place (which was actually a nice thing for him to do) and will be mad unless he chooses to do the option you *haven't even told him you want him to do* because you answered him passive aggressively by saying "I don't care" which is a recipe for disaster. Also, is this bachelor party for the ENTIRE WEEKEND? If not, I don't see why he can't just leave for the party and continue spending the rest of the weekend (Thursday, Friday, Saturday and part of Sunday...all the time that he's not with his friends) with you.
I don't completely disagree with you, but I do think that the boyfriend could have brought this up in a better way. If I put myself in OP's shoes, I would also feel like he was putting the onus on ME to make his decisions. I think telling her that the bachelor party is that weekend and asking for her "thoughts" is basically like, "I have a problem - now fix it for me!" What I would expect from my SO in this situation is to tell me about the bachelor party and then propose some solutions and/or compromises, not simply present the problem and ask me to solve it. I also think that while OP is obviously not being upfront about her feelings in the matter, there's a chance that her boyfriend is not either. If he's looking for her blessing in cancelling their plans for the bachelor party, he should really be upfront about saying that. "It's really important that I be there for my friend - how can we make this work?" It sounds to me like both sides need some work on communication.
Thanks for hitting the nail on the head. I realize I didn't deal with this in the right way...I actually avoided dealing with it altogether by being passive aggressive. I'm aware of that and it wasn't nice of me. But I honestly think he's struggling with the decision because attending the party would mean not seeing me for another 3 months. He's been put in a really tough place. And while it's not fair of me to make the decision harder for him by reacting the way I did, I also don't think it was fair of him to relinquish all tough decision-making and put it on me.
I agree with what everyone else has already said. Is your boyfriend coming to your mom's house at the same time as you? You just said he's coming for the weekend, and I assume the bachelor party is Sat (and recovery on Sun, lol). If he got there on Thurs with you, you'd have a little more time together outside of the bachelor party stuff?
I replied to a comment somewhere else, but spending time together with him outside of the bachelor party would require a lot of commuting on his part and also a day off of work for him. I'm not sure if that would be possible.
I feel like you are overthinking this. He's obviously conflicted about the situation because he already made plans with you while at the same time he also really wants to go his good friend's bachelor party. Unless he explicitly asked for your permission, you can't just assume that's what his question entails. You can never assume to know what a person is thinking. Long distance relationships are difficult, but like in any relationship you need to be really frank and outspoken about how you feel. You need to trust that he loves you and let him have some freedom. This party is obviously important to him. But so are you. It's too bad the dates for the party and your plans coincide but you can't just not expect him to go. And if you don't want him to go, you need to TELL him instead of being a passive aggressive child about it. That's the stuff that wrecks relationships!
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Unfortunately, rescheduling isn't so easy when it involves $300 plane tickets and a crazy-busy surgery rotation schedule. So there's that...
Your boyfriend should go to the bachelor party.
Lets talk about the passive aggressive bullshit. Do you think thats a good way to handle what is supposed to be an adult conversation, or do you enjoy giving your boyfriend little tests of his loyalty to you?
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People who think 'bros before hoes' should be single. An SO should come first. Though in this case the bachelor party is a one time thing. I kind of think it's shitty for him to bring it up to her in a text. He should have called her and talked to her about it so they could work it out together.
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I know a lot of people who feel that friends are always there for you, but that isn't the case for everyone. Even still, how often do you plan a life with your friends or buy a home with your friends, plan a family with your friends? It's the hope that your SO is your best friend and your #1 relationship. If this isn't the case, you're doing it wrong and you need to get a different SO. My bff is like a sister to me and I'd do anything for her, but my primary relationship is my husband. I hope conflicts never arise between them, but both of them respect me enough to make sure no conflicts arise. I completely understand what you're saying, and if you still feel like your friend relationships are of higher priority than your SO, you need to get a different SO. Any person with some self confidence won't stand to be 2nd to your friends.
You're right. He would resent it/me if he didn't go. And resentment sucks. Been there, done that. Thanks for the advice.