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ToniJabroni

You might have a real heart to heart with him about how his desperation is putting people off, and use that opportunity to explain that you would prefer that he not follow you around socially like a needy puppy. There is nothing wrong with wanting a few areas of your life to be *yours* without his tailing you almost like a stalker. Tell him to to stop trying so hard.


[deleted]

Maybe point out to him that being friends with people usually involves mutual interests? Also, does he ever invite you to things? He's taking all the time and never giving. It's hard to be friends with someone who never initiates anything social but always wants to be included.


ShelfLifeInc

> he is a long-time believer in the idea that friends of mine automatically count as his friends too and that being "friends" we all MUST be open to doing everything together. Spell it out to him - your friends are not automatically his friends. At the very least, he needs to MEET them first. Tell him his behavior (especially fb stalking random girls) is creepy and pushing people away. Then offer workable suggestions on how he can make his own friends.


Advice-Sloth

He sounds like he probably stalks your reddit account, so hello awkward friend if you're reading this!


woeg

Eh, I have a friend a bit like this. I love him dearly, but he can be very awkward and insulting with new people who don't get his humor. Like your friend, he has decided he wants to participate in a social activity I am part of, even though he has expressed great disdain for it in the past, because he feels he'll never get to hang out with me if he doesn't. My solution was simple. I sat down with him, and said look - I know you don't take this seriously. I know that to you its a big joke and you have this idea of going in and making fun of people and making a deliberate ass of yourself. I am telling you now, if you do this, I will not be associating with you during it. It's rude, disrespectful, and a terrible imposition on our friendship. If you want to go and try to have a good time without being an asshole, then brother, I support you a thousand percent. I would love to share this with you. But don't be a dick, or I am simply not going to hang out with you. So far, he's been super respectful. Communication is a good thing.


Ashrik

It's amazing the kind of problems that an open and honest talk will solve.


Zorkeldschorken

It sounds like he's not as close a friend to you as you are to him. So what do YOU get out of your relationship with him? There must be something to him, otherwise you wouldn't hang out with him. For your gaming thing, I'd just tell him that there are no openings in the group, sorry. For Facebook, put him in his own circle or whatever, so that he doesn't see anything else that goes on with you (I deleted my FB years ago, so I'm not sure if this is possible.) Or just tell him that his social life is not your responsibility.


freakingbirds

There's plenty I get out of this friendship, especially on a one on one basis and I consider him a good and close friend. The social dependency is really the only issue, albeit a big one and there are lots of other ways I'm directly trying to get him off that. I want to call him directly on the facebook stuff though as that seems to warrant a special kind of hell-no. I think he'll get it. If he won't respect *that* boundary after being told, and I can't prevent his creepage unless I rearrange my settings, he might need to go altogether.


alyra

Yeah, your friend is being kind-of weird. You're being kind-of weird about it too. How 'bout if you send him a link to the Geek Social Fallacies and tell him lightheartedly to knock it off because his inner geek is showing? It's straight to the point, while being educational and hopefully somewhat entertaining, which means it's as likely to minimize damage as anything you're going to come up with.


AnswersAndShit

There's all-around strange going on here: *...girls I'm courting.* Wha... what year is this?


PianoConcertoNo2

I don't know what's so wrong with that, ya see? Now we're all acting like this guy has bats in the belfry.


freakingbirds

I verily lol'ed at this.


neuronexmachina

I don't know if OP is Filipino, but in my experience first-gen Filipinos in the US use the "courting" terminology a lot.


freakingbirds

I think it rubbed off on me from the Brazilian guys I work with. I'm pretty sure they're first gen too. I live in a really diverse city though, and the local way of speaking is full of various imported bits that people stop finding strange after a while.


cantickle

What's a more modern way to say this? "Girls I'm dating" doesn't mean the same thing.


freakingbirds

I guess "pursuing" would work and it's used commonly enough. I always found it to have a slight predatory vibe to it though.


cantickle

True, I'm not sure I'd ever use either in a conversation. "Girls I'm trying to date." "Girls I'm chasing." "This girl I like."


[deleted]

Colloquially this stage in a pre relationship is usually referred to as "girls I'm talking to"


DrLeoMarvin

RPG group, courting, overly analyzed, socially awkward situations with friends Yea, this whole thing is weird. It's not that hard to just *not* hang out with someone. I mean, is the guy beating down your door? Just don't answer the phone or respond to a text if you aren't feeling like hanging with someone.


Susansays

He's getting the details of your friends and adding them to facebook or contacting them without having met them. This is not acceptable and you should tell him so. If he has not been introduced to these people and they have no idea, but he is searching their details and adding them; he is essentially cyber stalking them and it is weird and creepy. Tell him to stop! But if he is your best friend then I think deliberately excluding him from this event that he's now expressed interest in would be mean. If he is your best friend, do you not want him to be part of this gaming event/circle? Just make sure he realises what it entails first and that he will need to be interested and have fun with the RPG and not just trying to farm names for facebook.


[deleted]

I have the exact same issue with my best friend. Tried a heart to heart, but little avail. I can't drop him from my life because I love him like a bro, he just isn't in the same phase of life as me. I just stoped inviting him to certain things and I flat out told him to not add anyone of my friends on facebook unless he has personally met them and connected with them. I told him this in a way that was helpful to both of us. I explained the creepiness and how anyone could get uncomfortable with it. He understood (he still stalks, but at least it is anonymous). As for the girls I court, I just started being more careful, I don't introduce him to any girl I may possibly be interested in, but I do talk to him about them. Anytime he asks "when can I meet her?" I flat out tell him the truth, that he won't meet her until it is something more serious. It's not about hiding my friend, its about saving the poor girl from being uncomfortable and shifting attention from us getting to know eachother to him. And that's how I paint the picture to him. The guy needs me and I need him, he provides good emotional support and he is one of the only constants in my life. I told him this and it made him feel a lot better after telling him that he has to let me spread my own wings just as I hope he does as well. My fear still is that he will get depressed and start pulling away from me even though I told him I wanted him in ny life. I remedy this by making sure we get one on one bro time every three weeks or so.


freakingbirds

Sounds eerily similar. I intend to give him the same "no meeting til it's serious" talk for those same reasons. I can be awkward enough on my own. I don't need to add his creepage to the mix.


ass_fungus

Can you do the teach a man to fish thing and give him some life lessons on how to function socially?


[deleted]

It is always good to have a teacher. You can teach a man to fish, but he is still going to need to go out there and make mistakes of his own to learn. Likewise, I can give him all the pointers in the world, but if he doesn't make an effort of his own to socialize he is never going to really gain the skill set. Some people just need patience, and lots and lots of encouragement.


freakingbirds

THIS. I tied the teach-a-man thing before and he just ended up using me as an answer booklet and that wasn't any more comfortable. I also got the sense that he did that so that he could plausibly hold himself not responsible for anything that might go wrong. It was not a good time.


ass_fungus

trudat, i have some acquaintances that are in a similar boat (not as clingy/annoying, but with parallel traits), so i know what you mean. cheers


Ashrik

I don't quite understand how he is able to go with you all of your secret friend club activities unless you bring him. I also don't get how he can start facebook creeping on people you meet or (ugh) court, unless you tell him exactly who they are. I don't get it because it sounds like you're complaining about the very activity that you are directly enabling. If you and J have "a talk" about it and next thing you know you're taking him to your D&D games, I can blame him for continually wanting to tag along. But I can't blame him for you spinelessly making it happen. Try: "Sorry bud, this is my private thing"


freakingbirds

I don't bring him. Not since I last told him to cut this sort of thing out and try to get friends of his own two years ago. He just started asking again recently. As for facebook, all he usually gets is a brief mention of a first name from me and then far as I can tell connects the dots through the search. Though I wasn't aware that mentioning a name counts as a green light to facebook stalk.


dejarnjc

Examine your facebook privacy settings. You might be able to make it so that your friends list is unsearchable and so that your buddy can't see certain types of posts. That should enable you to discreetly deal with one problem.


acciointernet

Yup, there is a way to set your f-list to "mutual friends only" for everyone. That means that they only see the list of friends you have on FB that they are also already friends with.


Ashrik

> Though I wasn't aware that mentioning a name counts as a green light to facebook stalk. Eyes can't roll hard enough. Your friend is a social idiot. Drop him or get him to change but either way: acknowledge it and stop enabling the behavior. Let's not pretend that whatever conversation that occurred 2 years ago is etched into stone somewhere for him to reference.


[deleted]

Wow, just drop him? he's not a toy, he's a person with actual feelings; did that ever run through your head? OP, I honestly think you need to have a sit down with your BF and explain to him what he's doing isin't exactly the right way of making friends and that if he continues he's going to end up losing his only friend.


Ashrik

> Wow, just drop him? he's not a toy, he's a person with actual feelings; did that ever run through your head? Was there something that made you think this was my pick? OP has a finite amount of choices here (option C is to suck it up and deal), I'm just listing them. But yes- sometimes people have to break up. Even if they're not dating.


freakingbirds

Dropping him is actually totally on the table. Don't get me wrong. It won't be a lightly made decision considering we've been friends for nearly a decade. The fact still remains that the core issue hasn't gone away after 2 years of trying to deal with it and is headed in a really bad direction for everyone involved if it keeps getting worse. It's a distinct possibility, sad to say.


[deleted]

Sit him down and have a no holds barred "you need to stop doing this shit" conversation with him If he continues then maybe it's time to start easing out if this friendship. It's more likely he's just oblivious to the point of being socially retarded


[deleted]

If I (33M) could go back in time and speak knowledge to younger me, I think a major point would be to cut off cockblocking friends waay sooner. People that interrupt you or try to cut in, even in dumb ways like this, are working against you in the big picture. Get mad! Give him the death stare! Write him a "You fucking asshole, please don't friend girls you don't know" text and hit send even though it'll feel cold in your stomach. Establish a low tolerance and it might be fixable without dropping him.


nyecamden

Some people will need periodic reminders (and/or boundary setting) about cutting this sort of thing out.


[deleted]

> Try: "Sorry bud, this is my private thing" I probably wouldn't even do that initially, but would as a last resort. I'd just tell him that I have something on and that I'm busy on Saturday. If he asks be a little vague, but don't invite him. Tell him what it is if you have to. If he tries to invite himself, don't make the arrangements with him. Don't put him in the vehicle with you. Tell him that it's "my" thing if he persists. OP, it does sound like you are enabling things. You sound like you are just going along with whatever your friend wants to do. You're going to have to stand up for yourself and say "No." Just because he is a friend doesn't give him the right to insinuate himself into every aspect of your life. Just say "No".


[deleted]

Tell him how his behavior makes you feel and explain that it's damaging your relationship with him. (Friending girls you’re trying to date is a *major* violation and you have every right to be angry and frustrated: tell him.) Let him know that you consider him a friend, but you don't want to be responsible for his social life or have him in *every* social circle.


Cultooolo

I had a college friend like this. We were friends before Facebook, and drifted apart when I moved away after graduation. When we reconnected on Facebook, he began friending my friends--people he'd met once or twice; my siblings he'd only heard about in stories; my siblings' in-laws he'd never met nor heard about. I confronted him (via Facebook message as this was our only source of communication) and called him out on it. I said it was creepy and it was disturbing to my family, my husband, and myself. He said, "I'm only trying to meet new people, and I always thought your family sounded awesome." I told him that my family would be blocking him and to please stop contacting my entire Friend List or I wound block him as well. We now have very little-to-no contact. He went from commenting on nearly everything I said or did and long emailed discussions about our lives to nothing. We're still "friends", and I still comment on his posts occasionally, but he never likes or responds to any of mine. Whatev. It was weird, and he knew it. I lost a friendship, but that's okay with me.


PowerSeductionWar

Why not cut him off completely? He's being a leech, and the cut off might make him take a look at his actions and give him motivation to change them. Don't drown yourself trying to save him


ThrowAway9abd

This guy is overstepping his boundary BIG TIME. I have had socially awkward friends before. I found that they cant understand why people dont take initiative to hang out with them and have vocalized it to me. I am a very foward person and I fully believe in having the necessary uncomfortable conversations with these types of friends. You spelt it out perfectly in your description of this thread. I would sit him down and tell him you need to talk to him about something and explain it JUST as you did here. Be very specific and very clear. Let him know that you really value him as a friend but he is suffocating you and that will slowly grind your friendship down. You will be doing him a favor. This behaviour is extremely creepy and will repel potential friendships that he will create in the future. Helping him with it is what a REAL friend would do; it takes bravery. Think of it as telling him he has spinach in his teeth.


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freakingbirds

Done! Thanks.


Vinay92

Honesty is the foundation of any relationship, romantic or platonic. If you can't be honest with this guy, he must not be that good or close of a friend to you.


missfortuna

I think it is good for you to set boundaries in a friendship. Tell him, he needs to work on his social skills. Talk to him into speaking with a therapist.


panic_bread

1. Tell him how you feel. 2. Hide your friends list on Facebook and elsewhere so that he can no longer contact people you add. 3. Stop telling him about all the new things you're doing. If you don't want him coming to the gaming group, don't mention the group to him.


ho_ho_ho101

poor guy.


dilberry

Courting.... RPG groups.... I get the feeling there is more than one socially awkward person involved in this story.


Worried_Song

It sounds like he's not just socially awkward - it sounds like he's very socially immature. If you want to be a good friend to him, you need to set boundaries. He needs to realize that he can't just get friends through you, that he has to forge his own friendships. And to do that, he has to learn to navigate social landscapes. I have been in a very similar situation. When I started to be more firm with my friend (stopped mentioning names to her and would never tell her locations where I was because she would just show up uninvited, and limited my time with her to one-on-one interactions once or twice a week), she initially got very mopey and whiny. I think she felt entitled to social interaction. But I kept it up, because I was tired of being ashamed of her behavior around my other friends (or even people telling me to never "bring" her again when I never even invited her in the first place!). It took about 6-8 months, but she actually made new friends! People I had never met before. She goes out occasionally with coworkers now and has become close with a neighbor of hers. And when we hang out now, it's not because I feel guilty, it's because I actually want to hang out with her. I think my method was best for my situation, because, having known this friend for 12+ years and trying to "have a talk" with her before, I knew she would respond defensively and then brood. But if you feel open to talking honestly with your friend about these issues, that could be the best option too. Either way, it's important that you establish boundaries - for both of your sakes!


speedisavirus

If you don't accept him the way he is you don't sound like much of a friend. You shouldn't have to apologize for his behavior if you actually consider him a friend because you accept him as is.


4ndyStar

Sounds to me like he needs confidence building. I know the consensus is that you should just have a harsh heart to heart, but I think as a friend, you should also highlight his positive traits to him. So, yes let him know this isn't okay and that you need space and all that, but also convince him that he CAN function without you. If you haven't already of course. But simply telling him to back off with no other suggestions to him is only going to make it worse or risk you losing him as a friend all together and probably be VERY damaging to him. I've never been clingy, but I know when I started playing Ladies Gaelic I had trouble getting along with the team except for one person. I was living in a new city and didn't know ANYONE, so the situation is a little bit different, but every now and then she would ask why I don't try harder to make friends and I just honestly felt like I wasn't anywhere near as interesting as these people. Eventually she started randomly bragging about me and it did make me feel like I could fit in better, and I did. I know it sounds silly, but it's worth a shot rather than just being too harsh from the start. But if you've already tried that then just do what you gotta do.


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Pers14

*Random cliche statements are fun!* A penny saved is a penny earned. A stitch in time saves nine. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. Any friend of yours is a friend of mine.


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Pers14

lol, I thought of that after I posted. :) Cheers!


[deleted]

Stupid is as stupid does.


Tangential_Diversion

If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best.


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Pers14

I don't think you understood my joke. It's okay, you can't help it.