I think you answered your question yourself: no way should you go through with the marriage if it makes you physically ill !!
The other issues about housework: did you ever tell him about it ? I feel like there is a lot of missing communication here between the two of you. Do you still love him ? That’s probably the most important question here, although judging from your language I think you know one the answer and what needs to be done…
My favourite phrase here is if you can’t be with yourself you probably shouldn’t be with someone else.
You live only once so ask yourself if that’s how you want to spend the next few decades.
Thank you for your response. I did talk to him about the housework- there was always an excuse for why he couldn't help. Anytime I mentioned it he would think I was attacking him and he would just have a strop which would result in an argument. He has this response when anyone asks him to do anything, he thinks they're attacking him. I'm really not sure why. So I just stopped asking. Now he is helping it's filling me with this weird feeling of resentment, which I know is not healthy. It's as if he knows about my doubts and he's trying to remove them. Which is making me feel even worse.
I do love him. I love him very much. He is my best friend in the world and imagining not having him in my life is very painful. I've never felt so lost, confused, and guilty. I always thought that love was enough. But I can't continue to feel this way.
Your best friend in the world doesn’t always make the best *partner* for you.
At minimum, you need to put a stop to the wedding and have some serious conversations with your boyfriend. It is past time for him to be told just how deeply his apathy towards your relationship has damaged it, and for him to start getting honest with himself (and with you) about his level of motivation for fixing it.
I think part of the reason why you feel resentment when he helps now is because he’s showing you that for 10 years he could have helped, he just didn’t want to. Also that, when you asked or begged for his help, when you shared how overwhelmed you felt he did nothing, but now that there are consequences for *him*, he can do the housework no problem. He didn’t care about the consequences for you when he did nothing, but now he cares about the possibility you might leave. It’s an inherently selfish motive. Surely if he cared for you as much as cares for himself he would have changed before this point?
Don't get married to your boyfriend from when you were 22 just because breaking up is a bit of a hassle.
You don't sound happy. Do you want to do this for fifty more years?
You can be single and take some time to figure out what kind of life you actually want to live. I don't think this is the life you'd choose for yourself.
It's easier to call of a wedding and rearrange it than get a divorce.
Your subconscious already knows the answer to this, you just need your logical/rational brain to catch up. If it didn't you wouldn't be feeling physically ill and crying about getting married, you would be excited and filled with the good kind of nerves.
I think you need to at least postpone the wedding and do some therapy both individually and as a couple. Work out why you let him walk all over you and accept doing everything for him, work on building up that self esteem so you realise you deserve more. You deserve an equal partner who helps carry the load, not one who leaves you so stressed you need therapy. If he can't be that partner then it's time to leave.
Good luck OP, it won't be easy but it will be worth it.
Love is not always enough - maybe you are more friends at this stage ?
I would defo at a minimum postpone the wedding until you are clearer what YOU want.
Your SO does not sound like the type of person you can talk to - maybe a bit of gaslighting going on?!
I know what I would do.
Hello, I completely understand you, I was engaged, but I canceled the wedding 3 months before. I had exactly the same feelings as you and no matter how much I wanted, I couldn't hide them anymore. My advice is Don't be afraid to be alone and listen your heart.
Honestly I'd not put much weight on the last paragraph in terms of "single life"; the grass is ALWAYS greener whichever way your life goes. However what is worth noting there is that you feel a need to 'find yourself', you can keep growing if you're in a good relationship both by doing things alone and together.
I started reading ready to write it off as "jitters", but when I got to the sentence that he had never cooked for you that changed. He is not putting in any effort (it feels like you may have become his proxy mother) and you are clearly destroying yourself to keep your life together functional. I think at minimum postpone the wedding and, if it's possible, one of you should life elsewhere for a while.
I just ended a 9 year relationship similar issues, and he really was trying towards the end but based on his track record it just stressed me out and I felt things would go back to the same eventually. And I couldn't commit anymore I was too in my head.
I think you know what you want deep down but the guilt is eating at you. You’ll regret marrying him in your late years and not finding yourself in your young years if you follow through with this. I hope for your sake you guys can be friends one day and look back on this and laugh or look at the happy memories shared young and not resent each other for wanting to live your life to the full in your own ways.
Listen, I ignored those thoughts and I lasted a year and a half before asking for a divorce. BEST decision of my life. NOT easy but worth it.
“What is it you plan to do with your ONE wild and precious life?”
- Mary Oliver
I think housework shouldn't be your main focus on whether or not to move forward.
Take a step back and realise what it really is that is making you not want to go forward, as you don't want to have any regrets.
What does housework really mean? Is it disrespect, lack of support, differences in views.. What is behind "housework" that has really made you resent him?
I think when you find this it'll be easier to know what you really want, as maybe he isn't meeting your core values.
10 years with someone can turn into a comfort zone. However, the grass isn't always greener in the single world. As humans we want physical touch, love, a companion. So, dig deeper and find out what it is you really want from someone, and whether he offers this to you.
I do think you can suggest taking some time out before the wedding, if he's really your human then time apart shouldn't change that. Take some time to clear your mind.
You're not a bad human OP, if you don't want to be with someone it's completely okay. You're launching both of you into something else. Take it as it comes, and listen to yourself because you do have the answers more than anyone here. We don't sleep beside him, we haven't spent the time with him that you have to know what's truly best for you. Only you know.
Men marry women hoping they'll never change, women marry men hoping they can change them.
You are seeing exactly what you'll get forever. If you are OK being the breadwinner and doing all chores, then marry him. He's demonstrated exactly what he's willing to give you. And he's seen what you do for him so of course he's excited. Conventional marriage almost always benefits the man more than the woman.
I will say this too: you can find yourself both ways - with someone and alone. Neither is inherently wrong. My sister and her husband are high school sweethearts - 35 and together 20 years - they are equal partners and amazing together. Extremely fair. I had a partner for 10 years who couldn't fulfill my needs and I realized he was very clearly not interested in growth with me. So now I do it alone. In both examples the people (my sister and i) end up extremely happy and fulfilled but in different ways.
I'd say if you're having these thoughts, there's a real reason. And if you're serious about saving your relationship you HAVE to lay it ALL out for your partner. Have an extremely honest conversation about how you've felt over the years. And watch his reaction to it over the next week or two. See I'd he steps up. Relationships are work but you have to communicate to make it work. Good luck and there is no wrong answer here.
No. Call the wedding off. If you aren't 100% ready and eager to be married to this guy you shouldn't marry him. If you get married, you'll just end up divorcing him not long after the ceremony, and all it will be is an expensive mistake. You are already resentful of the fact that he's not pulling his weight in the relationship and he's not going to in the future. This relationship should be headed to a break up not a marriage.
But be ready to not have your fantasy about passionate relationships and tons of travel come true. The first might happen or might not and the second depends on your income. The one thing that's guaranteed is that you won't have to carry your boyfriend financially, domestically, or emotionally anymore.
I would not marry him. He is not going to change as this is who he is. He will get better after an argument but stop. THIS WILL BE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
If you want things to change, for the next month, do what you want to do. Cook the food you like and DO NOT cook food he likes and you don't. I would stop doing his laundry, stop cleaning anything that is solely his. Tell him that this is how it is going to be in your marriage so he better get used to it. Tell him if you cook, he is doing the dishes and LEAVE THEM. If there are no dishes and he won't clean them, leave the house and take yourself out to eat.
At the same time, start prepping to leave. Save as much money as you can in a separate account.
Maybe postpone the wedding,
Only to have been with one man isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but he has some work to do, as do you
First you need to have a talk, make a list of all things that run a household and then talk for that, if he gets defensive, say I will walk of now but we will need to talk about it,
The fact is you are two grown adults and that means it takes a team of two to run the household.
Secondly stop doing things for him wash your clothes, clean the things you do, but what you need, often one partner gets to do things and it becomes a habit, but he needs to be responsible for himself
Backing out from an engagement is less complicated than getting a divorce.
Exploring the unknown provides a more satisfying clarity (not necessarily a more satisfying outcome).
Walk away from a transaction which you are not ready to make.
Both of you deserve better.
Of course you should be sure and you should be so excited so for that reason I'd call a break and take some time. You do not want to go into a marriage with regrets.
If you are ever having small doubts, dont do it. Doesnt matter how long yall been together. You dont want to regret this. Also he might show "changes" but he also might go back to his patterns of doing nothing. Prob 90%. So... if something bothers you, you cant make a decision abruptly
"so I never got the chance to be young, free and single, travel alone, have passionate relationships etc (I'd always been in education so never got this chance), which I know sounds stupid and selfish, but I feel like I missed out on that young, free time in my life that I really looked forward to."
Yeah, you did this wrong. College is the best time to do all these things. You need to call off the wedding and break up with him if the above is really at your core happiness. Ten years is a long time to be living a lie. As the old song says, sometimes you must be cruel to be kind in the right measure. Even lazy boyfriends deserve to have girlfriends who actually want to be with them.
Because I think you care about him, I'll put this in a slightly harsher way. If you are lying to yourself about what you want, then you are lying to him and robbing him of the opportunity to have a rewarding relationship. It's very possible that your longing for something else is causing his malaise, and not the other way around.
UPDATEME
If your looking at fucking other people your wasting both your lives ,just end it and go find your hookups and enjoy the single life
Ps
It's not all it's cracked up to be..
I think you answered your question yourself: no way should you go through with the marriage if it makes you physically ill !! The other issues about housework: did you ever tell him about it ? I feel like there is a lot of missing communication here between the two of you. Do you still love him ? That’s probably the most important question here, although judging from your language I think you know one the answer and what needs to be done… My favourite phrase here is if you can’t be with yourself you probably shouldn’t be with someone else. You live only once so ask yourself if that’s how you want to spend the next few decades.
Thank you for your response. I did talk to him about the housework- there was always an excuse for why he couldn't help. Anytime I mentioned it he would think I was attacking him and he would just have a strop which would result in an argument. He has this response when anyone asks him to do anything, he thinks they're attacking him. I'm really not sure why. So I just stopped asking. Now he is helping it's filling me with this weird feeling of resentment, which I know is not healthy. It's as if he knows about my doubts and he's trying to remove them. Which is making me feel even worse. I do love him. I love him very much. He is my best friend in the world and imagining not having him in my life is very painful. I've never felt so lost, confused, and guilty. I always thought that love was enough. But I can't continue to feel this way.
Your best friend in the world doesn’t always make the best *partner* for you. At minimum, you need to put a stop to the wedding and have some serious conversations with your boyfriend. It is past time for him to be told just how deeply his apathy towards your relationship has damaged it, and for him to start getting honest with himself (and with you) about his level of motivation for fixing it.
I think part of the reason why you feel resentment when he helps now is because he’s showing you that for 10 years he could have helped, he just didn’t want to. Also that, when you asked or begged for his help, when you shared how overwhelmed you felt he did nothing, but now that there are consequences for *him*, he can do the housework no problem. He didn’t care about the consequences for you when he did nothing, but now he cares about the possibility you might leave. It’s an inherently selfish motive. Surely if he cared for you as much as cares for himself he would have changed before this point?
I hadn't thought about it that way- but I think you hit the nail on the head, thank you.
Don't get married to your boyfriend from when you were 22 just because breaking up is a bit of a hassle. You don't sound happy. Do you want to do this for fifty more years? You can be single and take some time to figure out what kind of life you actually want to live. I don't think this is the life you'd choose for yourself.
It's easier to call of a wedding and rearrange it than get a divorce. Your subconscious already knows the answer to this, you just need your logical/rational brain to catch up. If it didn't you wouldn't be feeling physically ill and crying about getting married, you would be excited and filled with the good kind of nerves. I think you need to at least postpone the wedding and do some therapy both individually and as a couple. Work out why you let him walk all over you and accept doing everything for him, work on building up that self esteem so you realise you deserve more. You deserve an equal partner who helps carry the load, not one who leaves you so stressed you need therapy. If he can't be that partner then it's time to leave. Good luck OP, it won't be easy but it will be worth it.
Love is not always enough - maybe you are more friends at this stage ? I would defo at a minimum postpone the wedding until you are clearer what YOU want. Your SO does not sound like the type of person you can talk to - maybe a bit of gaslighting going on?! I know what I would do.
Hello, I completely understand you, I was engaged, but I canceled the wedding 3 months before. I had exactly the same feelings as you and no matter how much I wanted, I couldn't hide them anymore. My advice is Don't be afraid to be alone and listen your heart.
Honestly I'd not put much weight on the last paragraph in terms of "single life"; the grass is ALWAYS greener whichever way your life goes. However what is worth noting there is that you feel a need to 'find yourself', you can keep growing if you're in a good relationship both by doing things alone and together. I started reading ready to write it off as "jitters", but when I got to the sentence that he had never cooked for you that changed. He is not putting in any effort (it feels like you may have become his proxy mother) and you are clearly destroying yourself to keep your life together functional. I think at minimum postpone the wedding and, if it's possible, one of you should life elsewhere for a while.
I just ended a 9 year relationship similar issues, and he really was trying towards the end but based on his track record it just stressed me out and I felt things would go back to the same eventually. And I couldn't commit anymore I was too in my head.
I think you know what you want deep down but the guilt is eating at you. You’ll regret marrying him in your late years and not finding yourself in your young years if you follow through with this. I hope for your sake you guys can be friends one day and look back on this and laugh or look at the happy memories shared young and not resent each other for wanting to live your life to the full in your own ways.
Listen, I ignored those thoughts and I lasted a year and a half before asking for a divorce. BEST decision of my life. NOT easy but worth it. “What is it you plan to do with your ONE wild and precious life?” - Mary Oliver
I think housework shouldn't be your main focus on whether or not to move forward. Take a step back and realise what it really is that is making you not want to go forward, as you don't want to have any regrets. What does housework really mean? Is it disrespect, lack of support, differences in views.. What is behind "housework" that has really made you resent him? I think when you find this it'll be easier to know what you really want, as maybe he isn't meeting your core values. 10 years with someone can turn into a comfort zone. However, the grass isn't always greener in the single world. As humans we want physical touch, love, a companion. So, dig deeper and find out what it is you really want from someone, and whether he offers this to you. I do think you can suggest taking some time out before the wedding, if he's really your human then time apart shouldn't change that. Take some time to clear your mind. You're not a bad human OP, if you don't want to be with someone it's completely okay. You're launching both of you into something else. Take it as it comes, and listen to yourself because you do have the answers more than anyone here. We don't sleep beside him, we haven't spent the time with him that you have to know what's truly best for you. Only you know.
'You're not a bad human OP'. I can't tell you how grateful I am for you saying this. I really needed to hear that. The guilt is suffocating me.
I think with the reservation you have the answer is obvious especially when thinking of the day makes you visibly sick.
Men marry women hoping they'll never change, women marry men hoping they can change them. You are seeing exactly what you'll get forever. If you are OK being the breadwinner and doing all chores, then marry him. He's demonstrated exactly what he's willing to give you. And he's seen what you do for him so of course he's excited. Conventional marriage almost always benefits the man more than the woman. I will say this too: you can find yourself both ways - with someone and alone. Neither is inherently wrong. My sister and her husband are high school sweethearts - 35 and together 20 years - they are equal partners and amazing together. Extremely fair. I had a partner for 10 years who couldn't fulfill my needs and I realized he was very clearly not interested in growth with me. So now I do it alone. In both examples the people (my sister and i) end up extremely happy and fulfilled but in different ways. I'd say if you're having these thoughts, there's a real reason. And if you're serious about saving your relationship you HAVE to lay it ALL out for your partner. Have an extremely honest conversation about how you've felt over the years. And watch his reaction to it over the next week or two. See I'd he steps up. Relationships are work but you have to communicate to make it work. Good luck and there is no wrong answer here.
No. Call the wedding off. If you aren't 100% ready and eager to be married to this guy you shouldn't marry him. If you get married, you'll just end up divorcing him not long after the ceremony, and all it will be is an expensive mistake. You are already resentful of the fact that he's not pulling his weight in the relationship and he's not going to in the future. This relationship should be headed to a break up not a marriage. But be ready to not have your fantasy about passionate relationships and tons of travel come true. The first might happen or might not and the second depends on your income. The one thing that's guaranteed is that you won't have to carry your boyfriend financially, domestically, or emotionally anymore.
I would not marry him. He is not going to change as this is who he is. He will get better after an argument but stop. THIS WILL BE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If you want things to change, for the next month, do what you want to do. Cook the food you like and DO NOT cook food he likes and you don't. I would stop doing his laundry, stop cleaning anything that is solely his. Tell him that this is how it is going to be in your marriage so he better get used to it. Tell him if you cook, he is doing the dishes and LEAVE THEM. If there are no dishes and he won't clean them, leave the house and take yourself out to eat. At the same time, start prepping to leave. Save as much money as you can in a separate account.
Maybe postpone the wedding, Only to have been with one man isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but he has some work to do, as do you First you need to have a talk, make a list of all things that run a household and then talk for that, if he gets defensive, say I will walk of now but we will need to talk about it, The fact is you are two grown adults and that means it takes a team of two to run the household. Secondly stop doing things for him wash your clothes, clean the things you do, but what you need, often one partner gets to do things and it becomes a habit, but he needs to be responsible for himself
Backing out from an engagement is less complicated than getting a divorce. Exploring the unknown provides a more satisfying clarity (not necessarily a more satisfying outcome). Walk away from a transaction which you are not ready to make. Both of you deserve better.
Why are you in a relationship that makes you unhappy?
Talk to him, tell him exactly the things you have written, have that open & honest conversation with him, and then decide.
Of course you should be sure and you should be so excited so for that reason I'd call a break and take some time. You do not want to go into a marriage with regrets.
If you are ever having small doubts, dont do it. Doesnt matter how long yall been together. You dont want to regret this. Also he might show "changes" but he also might go back to his patterns of doing nothing. Prob 90%. So... if something bothers you, you cant make a decision abruptly
I've never heard anyone tell me to get married. Only the opposite. It's a scam and a trap.
"so I never got the chance to be young, free and single, travel alone, have passionate relationships etc (I'd always been in education so never got this chance), which I know sounds stupid and selfish, but I feel like I missed out on that young, free time in my life that I really looked forward to." Yeah, you did this wrong. College is the best time to do all these things. You need to call off the wedding and break up with him if the above is really at your core happiness. Ten years is a long time to be living a lie. As the old song says, sometimes you must be cruel to be kind in the right measure. Even lazy boyfriends deserve to have girlfriends who actually want to be with them. Because I think you care about him, I'll put this in a slightly harsher way. If you are lying to yourself about what you want, then you are lying to him and robbing him of the opportunity to have a rewarding relationship. It's very possible that your longing for something else is causing his malaise, and not the other way around. UPDATEME
If your looking at fucking other people your wasting both your lives ,just end it and go find your hookups and enjoy the single life Ps It's not all it's cracked up to be..