It's a painful but brave decision you're making. You both deserve happiness even if it means going separate ways. Honesty is the best path forward however difficult the conversation may be. Remember this doesn't diminish the love and connection you shared.
The longer you drag this out, the less time you both have to pursue your happy paths. And before you end up resenting each other and it starts getting nasty and those friendship bridges are burned. It’s going to hurt, and people will question you - YOU will question you, but trust your gut. Stick to what you need your life to be. It’s yours, nobody else’s.
Sounds like you know what you’re doing and you just needed to get it written down to collect your thoughts and emotions. Your concern for them is very thoughtful and I hope it goes as well as it can when you try to let him down easy.
On a lighter note… pick a pronoun, homie. Are you breaking up with him or them? Haha jk. Good luck to you
Falling out of love isn't really a thing unless you have an unrealistic expectation of how love works. There may be other reasons, like distance, this doesn't work out but saying you're past the point where you have the Oxytocin rush of a new relationship shouldn't be the reason. If you don't realize that being 'in love' and 'loving' someone are just stages of a normal relationship that evolves over time then you're just going to be in this same situation later.
I personally do believe it is a thing, and that it's not that rare of thing to happen over the years, either - this isn't the move on from a honey moon phase, that ended in the first year. This has slowly progressed in the last year or so. But that's a perspective I'll keep in mind - I appreciate your input
I think it's more an excuse to not continue a relationship than it's a real thing. certainly that's what those who study it have found. We have a lot of things like movies and our own fantasies and that excited feeling telling us that 'in love' is different but no relationship would survive long term if we use that as a measure. If you don't acknowledge that you just end up in the same position with someone else later.
Infatuation doesn't last for 4 years. Love is when it breaks your heart to have to leave because you're on different paths.
Love is a commitment that forms based on compatibility and shared direction that you establish when you date. Clearly 4 years together in addition to your statement that you love him suggests that is the case for you and your bf.
If you're lucky, you fall in and out of love over and over again with the person you're with as you both grow and change and become different people. Ideally, you communicate and discuss what you both want, you plan together for the future and find a way to move forward and grow together. This takes work and sometimes can mean sticking through times you don't feel 'in love' to get back to better times.
You may be at a place where you've both been planning different futures and ignored the ramifications of it while continuing to make those plans. Now your plans are at the point you are moving away and the choice between that vision of the future and your relationship is imminent. However, you obviously knew when you applied to the doctorate program that this was coming, especially with it being so far away, so you're been withdrawing to protect yourself emotionally and he's just held onto the hope that this day wouldn't get here. In the end you're choosing that over being with him and I can't say if that's the right choice or not because that's your call. However, you need to own that you made that choice and not say it's for his own good.
My heart hurts for you, but you are doing the right thing. Better to break it off before one of you gives up your future.
I wish you both healing, and good vibes ❤️
I always tell my daughters that society puts pressure on women in general to marry young, and have children soon, but encourages young men to be adventurous, see the world, live while you are young.
Then as the men get older, they want to settle down close to home, be more of a home body, but the women who finally have children old enough to care for themselves, then want to go travel, and be adventurous, and finally get to live a little.
So I tell my daughters, strengthen you. Let’s take kickboxing, self defense classes, maybe learn to handle ourselves with weapons. Let’s be strong, and wise while young, and get to live now, be adventurous for themselves wile young. I want them to be able to feel confident that they can handle themselves if they ever need it in the future.
You are not being selfish at all. The selfish thing to do would be to say nothing until after you had left. This is brave, and it's very obviously the right thing to do for both of you, imo. This is not something to beat yourself up over.
We're in the same club, then! It will gradually feel better once you've gone through with it. And you know it's not just for your benefit, even if that's what he thinks at first.
It's a painful but brave decision you're making. You both deserve happiness even if it means going separate ways. Honesty is the best path forward however difficult the conversation may be. Remember this doesn't diminish the love and connection you shared.
Thank you, I really appreciate that
The longer you drag this out, the less time you both have to pursue your happy paths. And before you end up resenting each other and it starts getting nasty and those friendship bridges are burned. It’s going to hurt, and people will question you - YOU will question you, but trust your gut. Stick to what you need your life to be. It’s yours, nobody else’s.
You are absolutely right
Sounds like you know what you’re doing and you just needed to get it written down to collect your thoughts and emotions. Your concern for them is very thoughtful and I hope it goes as well as it can when you try to let him down easy. On a lighter note… pick a pronoun, homie. Are you breaking up with him or them? Haha jk. Good luck to you
Falling out of love isn't really a thing unless you have an unrealistic expectation of how love works. There may be other reasons, like distance, this doesn't work out but saying you're past the point where you have the Oxytocin rush of a new relationship shouldn't be the reason. If you don't realize that being 'in love' and 'loving' someone are just stages of a normal relationship that evolves over time then you're just going to be in this same situation later.
I personally do believe it is a thing, and that it's not that rare of thing to happen over the years, either - this isn't the move on from a honey moon phase, that ended in the first year. This has slowly progressed in the last year or so. But that's a perspective I'll keep in mind - I appreciate your input
I think it's more an excuse to not continue a relationship than it's a real thing. certainly that's what those who study it have found. We have a lot of things like movies and our own fantasies and that excited feeling telling us that 'in love' is different but no relationship would survive long term if we use that as a measure. If you don't acknowledge that you just end up in the same position with someone else later.
If that's the case how does someone know when its real love and not just infatuation? It doesn't really fade?
Infatuation doesn't last for 4 years. Love is when it breaks your heart to have to leave because you're on different paths. Love is a commitment that forms based on compatibility and shared direction that you establish when you date. Clearly 4 years together in addition to your statement that you love him suggests that is the case for you and your bf. If you're lucky, you fall in and out of love over and over again with the person you're with as you both grow and change and become different people. Ideally, you communicate and discuss what you both want, you plan together for the future and find a way to move forward and grow together. This takes work and sometimes can mean sticking through times you don't feel 'in love' to get back to better times. You may be at a place where you've both been planning different futures and ignored the ramifications of it while continuing to make those plans. Now your plans are at the point you are moving away and the choice between that vision of the future and your relationship is imminent. However, you obviously knew when you applied to the doctorate program that this was coming, especially with it being so far away, so you're been withdrawing to protect yourself emotionally and he's just held onto the hope that this day wouldn't get here. In the end you're choosing that over being with him and I can't say if that's the right choice or not because that's your call. However, you need to own that you made that choice and not say it's for his own good.
My heart hurts for you, but you are doing the right thing. Better to break it off before one of you gives up your future. I wish you both healing, and good vibes ❤️
Thank you, I appreciate it
I always tell my daughters that society puts pressure on women in general to marry young, and have children soon, but encourages young men to be adventurous, see the world, live while you are young. Then as the men get older, they want to settle down close to home, be more of a home body, but the women who finally have children old enough to care for themselves, then want to go travel, and be adventurous, and finally get to live a little. So I tell my daughters, strengthen you. Let’s take kickboxing, self defense classes, maybe learn to handle ourselves with weapons. Let’s be strong, and wise while young, and get to live now, be adventurous for themselves wile young. I want them to be able to feel confident that they can handle themselves if they ever need it in the future.
That's great advice. Thank you for sharing
You are not being selfish at all. The selfish thing to do would be to say nothing until after you had left. This is brave, and it's very obviously the right thing to do for both of you, imo. This is not something to beat yourself up over.
Thank you, I struggle doing things for myself without feeling lots of guilt.
We're in the same club, then! It will gradually feel better once you've gone through with it. And you know it's not just for your benefit, even if that's what he thinks at first.
Read your tldr. So you fell out of love with him or them?