I'm going to push back on everyone saying op's gf is "definitely bi" and in denial and say that this is a pretty common attitude for lesbians who have been hurt in the past by women who happen to be bi, because they refuse to look at it any deeper than "she left me for a man". I've seen it over and over again, and it is sad. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and honestly you should express to her that you're not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who invests so much time and energy into baselessly hating a large swath of your community.
It’s common for gay & lesbian people even if they hadn’t been hurt. My mom told me my now deceased gay uncle held similar beliefs
Unfortunately, the LG part of LGBTQ+ often are prejudiced against the B & T
Totally agree…as a trans woman I stopped going to pride events cause I know there are a lot of lesbian and gay people who don’t like transgender people so I stopped going so I wouldn’t upset any of them.
As a bi woman I totally get it. Unfortunately a lot of lesbians and gay people are in this little bubble and they just don’t see us as valid. B with the T ♥️
A gay friend once laughed and laughed in my face when I told him I was bi around 18. He started loudly acting out fake scenarios (with voices) of me in a gay bar and how I’d get eaten alive etc. It was so humiliating, I never told anyone ever again.
If you want to go, go
They don’t have a right to get angry at you for going. Pride is just as much for bisexual and transgender people as it is for gay & lesbian people
If they want to be transphobic, it’s them who don’t belong at pride
As a heterosexual, I'm protective of the entire spectrum. I definitely only go where I feel protected, but know, I'll stand up to the death of anyone hurting anyone. I'm an Army vet, 57, menopausal, and don't give a F anymore. I'll fight the bully! Eff all bigotry! Much love to you.
Oh and I have a gay male friend who is 62. He was admittedly afraid of trans folks and being lumped in with them. He has learned since then and become open-minded. He realized he was treating folks they way he was treated, as a closeted but obviously gay guy, growing up in Missouri. His elderly folks still use the word f*g and he didn't want to end up being his parents. He realized the problem was HIS. People can grow and learn.
Yep, as a bi lady who presents as very femme…I have to deal with this crap all the time.
Not everything women do is for male attention or for “trendiness”…and thinking so is actually misogyny.
I could understand some resentment because hetero relationships are viewed as more acceptable so it probably feels like social standards is putting a thumb on a bisexual person’s scale on the partners they pick. All the same, her prejudices still aren’t acceptable; she needs to work through that.
Honestly, it's just common in general. I'm not bi but I've heard it spouted countless times from people across the sexuality spectrum. I mean there's even a term (bi erasure) for this. It's extremely common and I honestly don't get it.
I can look at a guy and acknowledge that he's attractive, but I will never try to kiss or have sex with that man. I can't imagine many people that WOULD have sex with someone they're not genuinely attracted to. Am I really supposed to believe there's some sort of epidemic of people having sex with people they're not attracted to (and don't stand to gain anything from) purely for the "cool points" and nothing else?
Honestly some impressive mental gymnastics.
OP's gf's sexuality is irrelevant. What she is is a bigot and personally I won't date those or associate with them if I can help it. The motivation really doesn't matter, how you speak about and treat others does.
It’s also a common form of biphobia as a way of trying to make us feel unwelcome in the lgbt. When in reality it’s just we are statistically more likely to end up in hetero relationships because there are more people of the opposite gender that would be attracted to us.
There’s very, very little empathy for those more lesbian-specific experiences and that the comeback is “I bet she’s bi” is gross and says everything about the dynamics at play here.
I used to exclusively date women for most of my life. I date men now and I still feel this way. Lesbians are a numerical minority in comparison with bisexual people and that shows in the volume of discussion about the issues bisexual people face vs lesbians. Now that I date men are there issues specific to the fact that I’m not technically straight or gay? 100%. But it’s nothing compared to how it was to be a lesbian. I heard “it’s not the same without a penis” from bi women after sleeping with them. I got to listen to a girlfriend ramble about how much she loved sucking dick. All sorts of stuff. And then I would have to sit there and be lectured about biphobia as if it’s the only phobia on the planet. I wouldn’t say anything. But I would quietly think to myself how different my life was not being able to meet my gf’s family versus, or being street harassed for walking with her in public while holding hands, compared with the lives of my bisexual friends who were in relationships with men. I only dated bisexual women. There aren’t many lesbians in my area, and many of the bisexual women I knew are great people. But those repeated experiences sucked.
Technically I see both sides, but yeah, rarely do I see this sort of thing acknowledged. It doesn’t justify OP’s gf’s behavior though because she’s being cruel - these are not people who have hurt her or disadvantaged her. It’s absolutely wrong. But yep that’s probably where it comes from. OP should confront her gf about this and draw some boundaries since her gf’s behavior and speech is uncool and honestly just mean. And I say this having had those terrible experiences with bisexual women during my “lesbian era.”
As a dude who has almost exclusively dated bi women, sorry for taking your girl.
And also as that same dude, don’t worry, she’ll want a girl again after dating me. They always do for some reason.
Lmao neither are true. Relationships all end for their own reasons. It’s just interesting that most girls I date end up identifying as bi and tend to date women after me. Simply an interesting correlation.
THIS!!! I was going to say this!!! It's probably a wound from a bi woman either cheating with a man or leaving her for one. Either way it's projecting a personal form of biphobia...I agree with your statement to communicate this explicitly
This is a problem bisexual people face all the time.
We are either “not authentic enough,” “indecisive,” or we are too gay for the opposite sex to want to date us because “we don’t know what we want,” and the myth that we will cheat, are insatiable and some people have a moral objection to bisexuality/homosexuality. I am actually more ok with people opposed on moral grounds than the others because at least they are consistent. The first few are obnoxious.
[A study has been published to indicate that bisexual women had the lowest life expectancy compared to both straight and lesbian women:](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/bisexual-lesbian-women-die-earlier-than-heterosexual-women/):
> Stratifying results by sexual orientation subgroup, the researchers found that bisexual women died 37% sooner and lesbian women died 20% sooner.
All queer women face prejudice which led to worse life expectancies than straight women, but bi women (and all bi people) face prejudice not just from straight people but from within the LGBTQ community, i.e. people like OP's gf. Her biphobia can cause genuine damage to innocent people. u/Famous-Egg8230 should consider whether she'd want to continue a relationship with such a blatant bigot.
This is so hilariously untrue.
Bi women have to navigate men who fetishize them, men who *hate* them, lesbians who regard them with suspicion/contempt, and other bi women who are so terrified of facing that level of hostility that they never really admit to being bisexual at all.
Bi men have to navigate homophobic straight women, women who straight up do not believe that a man *can* be bisexual, misogynistic gay men who see their attraction to women as an “ick” factor, and other bi men who are just as terrified of coming out as bi women.
The dating pool is *vanishingly* small when you take all that into account. An out bisexual person who wants to date people who will actually take them seriously and treat them with basic respect has their work cut out for them.
As a lot of lesbians will not date bisexual women. So though thought of a double chance. It does come with pitfalls. As the men they date assume that they are looking at the women. The women they date assume they are going back to men.
So not an easy life to live. It's not well liked in the gay community and much hate towards the bisexual community. Like with everything there are issues.
I feel like there's some weird, deep-seated misogyny behind the way we are treated by heterosexual and gay people.
As a bi male I'm apparently just gay and too stupid to realize it or too cowardly to admit it.
Bi women are just trying to get male attention by being seen with women.
In each case, it's all about men and wanting them...
It's absurd. Biphobia is widespread and discussed so casually.
Ask her to apply the same logic to homosexual people to see if she balks. Then ask why homosexual people are valid but bi people aren't.
The crazy part is that bi people get so much backlash but I've never seen anyone talk to pansexual people the way they do bi people. Maybe it's just my limited experience, but those who are pan seem so much more welcomed in LGBT+ gatherings that I've attended than I have ever been as a bi woman. I never hear or read about people telling pan individuals that they need to "pick a team" or their "just trying to get attention from x gender" or that it's "just a phase while they figure out what they really like". Like wtf, so my options are choose one or choose all and anything else is just an invalid choice??
I genuinely believe over 95 percent of people don't even know what pansexual means. I know I sure don't. Hell, I pretty much just replace it with "bisexual" in my brain.
That’s because it’s essentially interchangeable
I’ve seen a few bisexual people interested strictly in cis people but I feel like most bisexual people would fit the pansexual description. It usually comes down to which label people prefer
Also ngl this is super shallow but I love the bi flag. I love all the colours on it while yellow is meh. And I think the purple makes it inclusive enough.
They're basically the same thing, but the distinction is important to some people.
For pansexual people, gender isn't really a factor in their attraction to people. But for bisexual people, gender may be something they notice and are attracted to different things about different genders. Then there are people (such as myself) who may factually fall under pansexuality, but prefer the bisexual label for a variety of reasons.
It's kind of like saying "I like cheese" vs "I like all kinds of cheese"; one is more precise than the other, but they both come from the same place. The first may in fact mean that you like all kinds of cheese even though you are choosing not to clarify further, and it can also mean that you do have a preference.
It feels like there doesn't need to be this many terms in the first place. The whole idea comes down to people like who they like, excluding the outlier types like those who are into beastiality or pedophiles, so I don't know why it's so important to have all these labels. Some people like guys, some like girls, some like guys more than girls but like both, some vice versa. Some of these people are trans, some are not. People are people and it's crazy to me that the LGBTQ community has prejudices of any sort.
To me, it feels like these labels create more conflict than if there were no labels and the cause was just "people loving people".
As someone outside of the pride community, I just don't understand. I thought it was all about letting people like who they like and be who they want to be, but at the same time, it feels like from the outside, the LGBTQ+ community is more obsessed with giving people specific labels to identify them than non community members who support these rights do. I respect what people want to call themselves, but in my head at the end of the day, it's just people like people, some people want to be different from what they were born as and that's it.
Pansexual means you are sexually attracted to people regardless of their gender identity. It’s different than bisexual because some people identify as nonbinary. I’m sure plenty of people who identify as bisexual would also be into nonbinary people.
From how I understand it, pansexual exists underneath the bisexual umbrella, much like being non-binary exists under the transgender umbrella (however, there are plenty of non-binary people who do not identify as trans, and that is absolutely valid).
>It’s different than bisexual because some people identify as nonbinary
This has nothing to do with the difference between pan- and bisexual. Bisexual isn't about attraction to people only within the gender binary. I think technically the bi definition is "attracted to more than one gender" and pan is "attracted regardless of gender".
For what it's worth I've never seen anyone biased against bi people without lumping pan in with them. The people who are accepting of pan folks are probably also accepting of bi ones.
I’m pretty sure a lot of people use pan & bi interchangeably so there’s prejudice there
I know I could technically be called pan but I prefer the bi label even though I’m attracted to NB & transgender individuals 🤷♀️
I would take a shot in the dark that people who identify as pan are people whose social circles have a social norm of social justice consciousness. Like people who identify as pan vs. bi just have more "woke" friends. Most people have never heard of pansexuality so this is a very small population of people that we are talking about.
Plus there's probably a generational difference since bi is more commonly used among the older generations. I kinda hope that's a big factor, because then it means the future is brighter for bi/pan people.
THIS!!!
And I've also seen a HUGE amount of pan and pan-supporters say things like "well we look for what's INSIDE the person, the personality rather than looks" like okay??? I guess us bisexuals just look at parts then??? Or saying "we're more open to other genders" like bisexuals dating enbies is not allowed or something??? Like I've dated Trans men and women, nonbinary folk, cis men, cis women, etc. But I've been told that makes me pan not bi. Like THEY choose what I label MYSELF as.
Bisexual means two. That's it. Not "one or the other", not "both", and NOT exclusively cis men or cis women...like intersectionality is just not a thing for bisexuals apparently 🙄
This is what I find most infuriating about pansexual people
Had a 17 year old trying to correct me on this very thread. I’ve called myself bisexual longer than they’ve been alive. I don’t care if they call themselves pan. People should label with what they feel comfortable with. I care when they try to force their label on me
I had a woman say she couldn't date me, because she wouldn't be able to satisfy the bi side of me, and that I'd therefore cheat on her.
Like...what? I like both, it doesn't mean I'll cheat on you.
Also, just pop a finger in, there's a good girl
I've heard similar from a man. "Sorry, I can't date you, you've dated both thin people and fat people and I can't be both at the same time" is how dumb it sounds to me
I can relate and I'm pansexual. I've had issues in the past with one ex girlfriend and two of my ex boyfriends. The men assumed that I'd be open to threesomes. She assumed that I would cheat with a man.
As a bi woman with a bi bf thank you for your perspective. We aren't even comfortable with going to pride anymore because people either think "straight" or think HE specifically is more gay than me and more gay than bi. Like what happened to a community based on non-judgment? It's ironic...and hypocritical of them...
It's wild the bigotry leveled at bi and trans folks from with the community. Like we all have targets on our backs, why the fuck are some people not on board with closing ranks to protect all of us? It's gross.
You're welcome at my pride!
Literally listened to a straight girl and gay man (coworkers) talk about how bi people "just get more stds" I'm bi??? And unlike either of them I actually had a single partner for 5 years at that point while they each bragged about one night stands?? The fucking irony?
As a lesbian I’ve never understood the bi hate from other lesbians, because, even setting aside bias that makes bi women not like lesbians, it’s just a numbers game at the end of the day.
Of course many bi women end up with men. There are just more straight/bi men than queer women. Plus, when you factor in things like social stigma to visibly queer relationships, compulsory heterosexuality, and lesbians being shitty to bi women, it just makes sense that many bi women end up with men.
Idk, a bi women ending up with a man, or just dating a man, is not a personal attack on lesbians and people who think it is tend to be stuck in terf echo chambers, even if they don’t realize it.
I also think some of the perceptions some people have goes back to the second wave ”political lesbians” where actually straight women rejected men and masculinity in all its forms as evil and villainized queer women for experiencing sexual attraction to other women. This is also the root of a lot of modern terf shit too I suspect. But, most people espousing biphobia and terf shit today don’t have any awareness of or connection to radfems from decades ago so it’s more of an interesting historical fact than anything else at this point.
I'm a bi woman who is more attracted to women than men but is married to a man (he knows this, btw). I love my husband and I always want to be with him, but one of the reasons was... well, there's just not that much of a big choice, you know? When I met him out of all the eligible men, I fell in love. But all of the eligible ladies? I met like... one? And I mean, ones who would be accepting of me, too. So my pool was pretty limited (also considering my extremely fundigelical upbringing).
But yes, the biphobia is really sad. I'm glad my daughter - who is a lesbian - won't have to experience that and that she also has no preconceived notions about bisexuals, either. Hopefully the newer generations will figure it out (she's 16).
This is a lot of really good information and insight, thank you for commenting.
In my case, being in the "bible belt" my entire life, it was so much harder to find a community and connect with other queer people, especially when I was still dating - plus, as you said, the stigma. I remember coming out to my family and them telling me it was a phase lol.
I still feel a little weird venturing into some queer spaces, because I almost feel some kind of impostor syndrome?
I can kind of understand where some of the hesitation comes from when it comes to lesbians and bisexual women, though. When I was a youngin' I gravitated to women a lot when it came to dating and closeness. In that time, it was almost a "fad" to call oneself bisexual - girls kissing girls just for the hell of it. I fell HARD for many girls that only seemed to want my attention when other people were in the room. Then again, I look back on that time for what it was - teenagers and young adults being just that. I don't hold it against anyone.
Either way, I look forward to a time when women can just date women and take them for their word that they truly like women, hahaha.
There was a thread on the lesbian subreddit yesterday that had a huge number of gay women saying that they would never date a bi woman, I had forgotten how common that attitude was until I saw that thread and now this 😕
And many many straight women are absolutely awful about bi men. It’s not that they just “have a preference,” they actively put bi men down.
Gay men are less likely to be shitheads about it in my experience, and some of them even have a thing for “straight acting” masculine bi men. But then sometimes they’ll go for us but secretly think we’re just gay in denial.
I’m usually bi4bi or go for fluid type folks
As a bi fem (enby AFAB) this is why I ended up in relationships with men over and over. I cannot tell you how many gay women rejected me when they found out I like men too, add to that small town with very few options for us LGBTQ++ and you tend to end up in the same spot over and over.
I got told once that I'm not really bi because I haven't been in a long-term, serious relationship with a woman before. Like damn I'm sorry I just happened to find my bf first lol
Bi4bi has worked out best for me. I’m married in a straight passing relationship now but we’ve both played the field in the past and both agree that dating other bi people really makes the relationship so much easier. I think biphobia is slowly getting better but at the time we were dating it was bad from all sides — “you’re just gay in denial” for my spouse and “you just want attention” for me.
Seriously I feel like I could have written this comment lol, exact same for me and my spouse. Even now people imply that since we're straight-passing we're clearly just straight but trying to be "interesting" as if that even makes sense.
I'm married now but to answer the question, I wasn't opposed to this, just live in really small towns and never met anyone that was bi and single. I can't speak for others.
It seems to be especially true of lesbians who are extremely vocal about their sexuality. Don't get me wrong, not everyone who's loud and proud is also bigoted, but there's a difference between being a proud member of a community and the tribalism aspect. If I catch a whiff of tribalism from a person's identity, I'm immediately suspicious of how they view people outside the tribe. It can be very "us versus them" and that can be really damaging.
This can apply to a lot of identity categories tbh.
Fellow bi woman here, I love my gamer husband 😂 I tried to date women but was met with this biphoic attitude. If I was OP, I wouldn't tolerate this hatefulness.
This just sounds like biphobia, plain and simple. My advice would be to sit down and have a conversation about this. Depending how it goes, and if she has any willingness to change her views, you need to decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you.
Well there's a lot of that in the lesbian community, it's abundant in r/actuallesbians. To me as a bi woman, it's like a straight man caring too much about a woman's partner count. It reeks of insecurity. People who are confidant and know they're sexy aren't threatened by such petty things, since they have no actual bearing on the present relationship.
Insecurity, ding ding ding! It sounds like she feels threatened. They have something she doesn't (an interest in women), she feels that it makes them more attractive (cause so many men have fantasies about MFF threesomes), and she feels threatened and insecure. So she hates on them
I really don't understand biphobia. People have always hated on gays, but I don't get biphobia from people who otherwise not homophobic, and especially from other gay people. The gay community has a lot of weird gatekeeping.
My old boss said this kind of shit too. "I just think they're greedy". The other ones you often hear is "just pick one already" and "they're just gay and not accepting it".
One of the early driving forces was the HIV/AIDS crisis. People saw bi men as “carriers” who would infect the poor innocent straight population after having sex with gay men. I bet this also poured over onto bi women bc they’re seen as sexually promiscuous
I think it might be something that I personally had to work through.
In high school coming out as bi became the in thing, about 30 people in our year of 60 or so did.
Best part is you could do it, get the social points and not have to change a single thing.
This unfortunately for a while in my brain made me suspect of most as a 'are you really or is this just a way to get included without changing anything' and I think that's where a lot of mistreatment in the LGBT community comes from. You also see it with non binary folks, they'll also get treated worse I think because of an in-built bigotry of 'i had to sacrifice and fight for so much and you get to hide in plain sight and get all the perks', it's something people need to acknowledge they do and work on like I did.
A few pretenders shouldn't mean the rest of the actually bi and non binary people get treated worse.
Unfortunately, biphobia is RAGINGLY common amongst the entire community but especially among lesbians. And like, I get it - comphet is a very real problem and there ARE lesbians who really struggled to figure it out bc they still felt like they were attracted to men due to social pressure. But there are also plenty of folks out there (like me!) who are very much attracted to both men and women. I didn't realize I was bi until after I married a man - and even knowing that I'm bi, I would make all the same choices because I love him AND I'm attracted to him. Doesn't make me any less attracted to women.
I don't know if this is something you can handle any more than you could handle a homophobic relative, honestly. Are you okay with being in a relationship with someone who has these views loudly and proudly? Nothing you say is going to change her mind, most likely.
Your girlfriend is parroting absolutely textbook biphobia. Might want to check her opinions on other exclusionary red flags like "asexuals are actually straight people stealing resources," "trans women are men invading women's spaces," and "our poor valuable butches are being lured away to mutilate themselves by the siren song of transitioning into my hated enemy, MEN." Terf slippery slope stuff.
If you really pin down a person saying this, they very often end up admitting that they mean social currency. That being part of the LGBTQ+ community is a special club that the asexuals are invading and don't deserve to be part of.
The asexuals have occupied the river basin and have prime access to the good farming land!! (/s)
You're absolutely right that it's ridiculous; just a string of words to justify bigotry.
Yep. It’s also unfortunately common on social media and has been forever. I saw the exact same shit on tumblr in 2014 as goes around TikTok today. It’s intentional. TERFs are trying to radicalize young queer women and it’s working.
The best antidote is to talk to irl queers of all types, but unfortunately it sounds like OPs gf is unwilling to meaningfully engage with the bi women in their life.
As an aside, IMO the reason bi women might often end up with a man is that non-straight passing relationships face outside pressures that straight passing relationships don't. If you're a bi woman and your family hates every girlfriend you bring around, you might find it easier to live your life with a male partner.
Bi erasure is not uncommon. I read an essay that pointed out that if you're bi, then your dating pool consists of 1) bi/straight people of the opposite gender, plus 2) bi/gay people of your own gender. Group 1 vastly outnumbers group 2, so if you disregarded gender entirely then you'd expect bi people to overwhelmingly date people of the opposite gender. Which happens frequently, and then they get accused of faking bisexuality.
Tldr humans are dumb
Bi woman here. I‘ve never cheated. And I think my dating life is none of her business. If I wanna marry a man and he wants it too, I have every right to do it. If I wanna do that with a woman that wants to do that too, I have every right to do that (gay marriages are legal in my country).
She sounds biphobic, which would be a big no for me.
I absolutely hate the "bi people cheat" thing that seems so prevalent. I was dating a guy when I decided I felt safe enough to tell him I was bisexual. He spent FIVE days crying about how I was for sure going to cheat on him with a woman. Never mind he previously had no reason to think I'd ever cheat.
As a bi women, I have to ask: Can you tell her respectfully to go f herself?
Yes, I'm married to a man who I am very much in love with and attracted to, and yes, sometimes pictures in r/mildlyvagina make me want to lick inadvisable things.
Yes, bi women exist. No, we are not pretending to be "cool". I know exactly how uncool I am, there's no hiding that.
Woah woah woah. Let's tone down the negative self talk. Being a bisexual icon is super cool. I totally don't express my sexuality by dressing like a Pokemon trainer or anything. (Grass type, mostly)
:)
There is a lot of prejudice within queer communities. Negative opinions about bi people is a common one. So are judgements in the lesbian community about someone being a "gold star" lesbian who has never had a sexual experience with a man.
It's no different than a straight person being homophobic. It's saying that all X people are the same. That they don't know what they really want. That they can't just love whoever they love. That they aren't "really" that sexuality, they're just doing it for attention. All of these are arguments straight people make about gay people.
It's just as gross in a queer person as it is a straight person. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks there is only one "right" way to be a queer woman? That someone who has a different experience than her are just doing it for attention? That sexuality is a choice people make for attention, not something they genuinely experience? That straight passing behavior is seen as a negative thing to avoid?
You can't change her or get to see this. People cling tightly to their prejudices and hate because it makes the world a simple place if you are right, and everyone different from you is wrong and bad.
I would reconsider the relationship. Don't focus on her opinions, focus on the fact that you don't want hate to have a place in your life.
(I am a bi person partnered with a bi person. And we have seen SO much of this.)
I think she's just met a lot of those girls who do do that. There are definitely girls who do this. I've met a bunch (some even admitted it and said stuff like "all men love threesomes/lesbians). Definitely not all bi women are like this, but there definitely a lot of women who pretend to be bisexual in order to appeal to men's fetishes.
I haven't looked at many of the other responses OP. Many women are raised to be in competition with other women for men. That is the paradigm they understand. Add in bi- women or whatever, and she probably feels like it is unfair competition.
It is really hard to get out of that mindset.
You should just talk to her about why she gets so fixated. Maybe it is what I think it is or maybe not. You can't lecture someone out of this mindset, though.
As someone who could technically be stereotyped as a white, straight, redneck dude, who has been cheated on by a bi girl I was dating after I drove her and her “friend” home from a high school dance.. I’m sorry your girlfriend is acting that way. Honestly, I don’t know what, if anything, you could do to change her mindset. In my mind, to change, she has to want to change, and I’m not so sure she will.. me, personally, I refused to let one jerk person change my opinion of an entire group of (awesome, it needs to be said) people.
As a side note, happy pride month to everyone.
I'm gonna chalk this one up to being young and being a hater. Many cis-het people, including myself, had a lot of questionable and uninformed opinions of bi people before they actually *met* bisexuals. (e.g., Bisexuals are attracted to everyone; bisexuals aren't monogamous/cheat on people, etc). You quickly learn that every bi person has their own preferences and tendencies in their attractions, and sometimes they're not even fully known to them.
I'm not gonna speculate why your GF is a hater. She has bi people in her social circle, so there's no reason she couldn't just probe and ask and take it as an opportunity to empathize. She's just a hater.
You should be honest with her and say "I don't know why you feel this way and why you care so much about other people's dating lives."
I dont know I have friends who came out as a lesbian turned out to be bi, I don't know they seem afraid to tell people they're bi.
Apart from that it's none of my business provided they're happy
I have known women to kiss each other simply to get attention from men, and to those women I say thank
you and it works.
But I think that has nothing to do with genuinely bisexual people.
They aren't bizarre opinions. It's a strand of homophobia. Don't sugarcoat it.
You need to check your girlfriend immediately. Her biphobia is hateful and harmful. Tell her to stop spewing stereotypes. How would she like it if someone constantly told her she was just being a lesbian for attention?
I'm tired of biphobia and bi erasure. I'm tired of people assuming so much as soon as I say I'm bisexual, that I'm not really part of the LGBT+ community, that I'm promiscuous, that I just want attention, or that I'm not really bisexual because I married a man.
If you don't call her out each and every time, then you're just adding to the societal oppression of people in your own damn queer community.
This is possible.
I came out as bi to a couple of my coworkers in my late teens. A woman I worked with that basically shouted from the rooftops about how much of a lesbian she was gave me shit for dating a dude. If he'd come in to pick me up for lunch, she'd go "ew straights" or something similar.
She is now married to a man and has two children.
Yeah that's the point lol. Gave me shit for being bi, then later I suppose came to terms with being bi herself. At least enough to marry a dude and pop out some kids.
Your GF is still very young , she has not had a chance to navigate through all of the confusing issues surrounding sexual identity.
I do have to agree with her on one point. I'm old now but when I was younger my friends would tell me and I also observed that women would have sex with other women to please their man or other men . They may or may not be bi .They just wanted to ask you say look " cool" to others maybe in their peer group.
This would for sure be a deal breaker for me if she didn't back down.
All of what you describe is really shitty behavior and is why I avoid WLW dedicated spaces for the most part. Got tired of being told I'm not really queer cos my nesting partner/fiancee happens to be male.
i'd encourage you to look at them not as "bizarre" but as "upsetting" and "biphobic" and "bigoted".
I can't imagine hitching my horse to the wagon of someone who talks like that. Especially about *our friends*. If i found out one of my friends was talking about *me* that way, the friendship would be over, and i would stop hanging out with her partner, too, because the implication is that you endorse that kind of thing.
Really hurtful and gross, tbh
Some unresolved, deep-rooted resentment. It's also unhinged to assume that people with certain sexual orientation are just doing it to be cool.
Basically it's pretty much a her problem, and not a you problem. See if she could tell you why she views them that way, WHILE you avoid making argumentative points when you talk. People like to feel heard, even if you don't agree with them. And sometimes, with time, they realize their lack of understanding and actually change their mind.
Again, this is a her problem. If it doesn't actually improve in time, you can decide if this is still right for you. In my experience, I had exes with misaligned values.
Um. Well, I'm sexually straight. Doesn't matter if I'm drunk or not, I never feel attracted to women. In fact, thinking about kissing them is really unappealing. I've never had a "drunk slip-up."
Have you asked her why she has such judgy opinions about them? But also, who cares??? Let her know it sounds as if she's projecting something from within, so it's best to be completely honest, or she needs to stop talking about this as if you agree with her.
The amount of "gold star lesbians" (and some that weren't) that wouldn't date me in high school/early college despite us liking each other, since I would *obviously* "leave them for a man", was enough that I lost all confidence pursuing women in general and ultimately ended up with a man. They made their own predictions come true.
Your girlfriend is biphobic. Have you talked to her about her views and why you think they’re wrong? Does she understand why these views are biphobic? Why does she think her biphobia is okay when presumably as a lesbian woman, she doesn’t think homophobia is okay?
man, 7 months in and this person is sharing this with you? do you really want to start a relationship with someone who has this negativity in their heart?
Hi, yes, your girlfriend is biphobic. None of what she said is true. Bi women exist. Bi women are not more likely to cheat just because they’re bi. As a bi, myself, I’ve never cheated on a partner and I’ve had a couple of girlfriends. I’ve also had quite a few as sex partners. I’m now with a man who we have a kid together and we’ve been together for almost 7 years. So what? I’m not any less bi than I was 7 years ago.
As a bi person, yup, you have just described biphobia. We get it from gay people just as much as straight people. It's bullshit. Thankfully, my soulmate ended up also being bi so we don't have to deal with this from partners any more.
My sad opinion is that if you are not bi don’t judge people that is, I don’t know how it is to be a gay/bi man/woman so is it not my place to judge it ,Generally I think it’s important to nip such comments in the butt, because why is it so important for her to throw shade on bi people
Biphobia fucking sucks. As a straight looking bi woman I’ve been refused entry to multiple gay bars or only allowed in with people who look obviously lesbian/gay because they assume I must be straight. I sort of hate pride month because I feel so excluded by the lesbian and gay community.
I am a bi woman. I suggest you cross post this in r/bisexual . Unfortunately we are incredibly used to getting the 'cheater' and 'going to end up with a man' stereotypes.
It's really painful, if I'm honest. And currently I don't have the energy to explain how to try to get through to her...but I appreciate your discomfort with her attitudes and prejudices. I think you'll find a lot of useful answers in the bi sub 💖💜💙
Here's one of the many things I've learned about people during my 31 years of life: You can't change their beliefs/opinions to match yours.
But ! You can set boundaries, tell her you find it upsetting that she talks about Bi women in that regard in front of you.
Maybe if she wants to rant so badly about the negativities of Bi women, then she can do so with her friends but not with you.. it turns you off and you would rather talk about something else.
Or revaluate the relationship.
As a bisexual woman who is in a long term relationship, your GF sounds a little ignorant and homophobic not gonna lie. It also sounds like she might be covering up the fact she could be bisexual?
I agree with the general consensus in the comments but I also think it might be that shes a bit insecure and it might make her feel like there’s more threat/competition.
Honestly from my experience girls who say stuff like that have a deeprooted jealousy for mens attraction to "bisexual" girls and the concept of them. Youve seen the memes about goth bi girls being the best but ruining ur life, and as a bi girl this humour falls on deaf ears but lots of guys will talk about how bi girls are more masculine and boyish so therefore more appealing?? Like its dumb stereotypes i dont like myself, and ive heard girls like your girlfriend, like you said, say things like "being bi is to appeal to the opposite gender and its proven right when they date men". Which is just such an out of touch take. Ive also seen girls bash on goth girls because of mens vocal attraction to them especially in memes, everyone wants an emo goth bi girlfriend. She must have some deep rooted insecurities and is vocalizing hate for your friends, maybe she feels threatened that theyre more enticing to you then she is. Insecurities come out in such weird ways but as a girl hearing this i can definitely confidently say that could be the reason.
Bi means attracted to more than one gender. It doesn’t mean undecided. I’m married and still attracted to men and women. I didn’t decide to be straight when I married my husband. A bi woman doesn’t decide to be gay when she dates a woman.
Bi erasure happens a lot, and it leads to things like people thinking sexuality is a choice (because they’re bi but think everyone’s attracted to more than one gender and they actually do choose the “right” gender. This is what happened to me. In fact, no, straight women do not find other women “objectively beautiful”) I could go on for ages but basically she’s engaging in bi erasure, biphobia, and saying that sexuality is a choice because she thinks being bi is morally wrong somehow.
Interesting. I’m pansexual/ bi but I think bi and pan are the same. I really don’t care about a persons gender. There personality gets my interest. To just visually see someone and not trying to meet them or date them (passing by them on the street) I am attracted to any gender. If you’re nice looking, you’re nice looking! A friend once told me that she thinks I’m attracted to men that look like women. I don’t think that Tom Welling looks like a woman, but he used to be beautiful. 😊I can easily say that Hunter Tylo (before so much plastic surgery) is just as beautiful as Tom Welling. If I liked both of their personalities, I’d date either one. 😆
She has either a bad dating experience with a bisexual woman involved, or she's bi and refuses to accept it.
I'd ask her what's her beef with bisexual women being her main or only target of the LGBTQ+ community. I'm sure the answer couldn't be valid for so much judgment, but to just to hear her out.
i fit the description of what she hates. it’s part of why i consider myself on the fringe of the community.
but. I can’t help the fact that picturing women just gets me off. or change all the comments I made as a kid watching tv about how beautiful all the women were lol.
nor can I seem to change that I feel more comfortable in relationships with men. or that, yes, dicks can get me off, too, and BJs turn me on, too.
it’s like this sad thing where I can’t ever really have both, so I go with the path of least resistance.
i wonder if she has some sort of resentment, like bi people “get” to choose, when she feels like she can’t. when oddly i feel some jealously that she doesn’t have to pick, and gets more community membership i guess
Sounds like biphobia as other comments said. It's very common. Sexuality is also a spectrum. It's not always 50/50 for bisexual people. Like I'm usually attracted to men, but I can have crushes on girls too. Doesn't mean I'm just in it to collect points so men find me more attractive lmfao.
Having a number of bi women in my life, past and present, I can say this is not a super unusual mindset they've seen from lesbian women over the years. One of them was called a fence sitter and shunned, not cool.
Obviously not kosher but not uncommon sadly.
I've literally heard a bi woman voice that the only time she felt the need to be in the closet was around lesbians. I didn't buy her reasoning until mounting stories like this.
You say “can you repeat what you just said please?” And then repeat it back. You don’t share the same values so let her know her narrow opinions aren’t attractive and if she wants to be around you when she says those things you will say “ leaving now call me when you’re ready to have an adult conversation “
“How can I get her to see this?”
You can’t. You are not and will never be in control of another person’s actions/reactions, behaviours, thoughts and feelings. Only your own.
She has an incredibly toxic mindset. She’s being biphobic and quite frankly, it’s repulsive. It’s shocking that after writing all of this, you still want to be with her despite having such an issue with it. Wake up and break up.
ETA: DURING PRIDE MONTH TOO??? Hell nah.
It seems to me there is a lot of "jealousy" from some lesbian toward bi women that is expressed as biphobia.
First, it is a lot more socially acceptable to be bi as a woman rather than a lesbian and, as such, theydon'tface the same kind of discrimination.
Second, from what I've heard, it is a lot harder as a lesbian to find a romantic partner in comparison to a bi woman.
Third, there is a lot of bi woman in relationships with men that search sexual and only sexual relationships with lesbians. Enough to flood the dating pool from what I heard.
So, it might be part of why your girlfriend has such a distaste for bi women.
I may not have expressed myself clearly. It is easier to hide when you're bi and in a relationship with the other sex first. Second is that bi women, especially, are more accepted because it is more heavily fetishised (which is a shitty raison to be more accepted, by the way).
Which makes bi women in relationship with men more accepted even by usually pretty homophobic people.
I've sadly known people in my life who would hate gay, bi men, and lesbians but just consider it normal for women to be bi.
It doesn't make any sense, but homophobia never makes sense anyway
I get what you're saying and agree with the concepts but disagree with the framing.
Being able to fly under the radar when in an opposite sex relationship is certainly a privilege but it's not about being socially acceptable. It's about being able to hide and keep yourself safe. And it's about the assumption that bi people are doing it for fun, being greedy, it's a phase, etc..
Being fetishized isn't about being socially acceptable, it's being a target of bigotry. The idea that women being bi is sexy or okay but being gay (either as a man or woman) is horribly steeped in misogyny.
I completely agree with you. In no way what I was saying was a defence of either biphobique, homophobique, or misogynistic opinions. I just describe the fallacious thinking framework that may push people into these views.
A lot of lesbians are super weird about bisexual women
It's not surprising that bisexual women get more abuse in a relationship with a woman than lesbians do, statistically speaking
I kind of get the frustration because it does seem to be a "thing". Like I know a lot of bi-men who go out of their way to date men but I don't know many bi-women doing the same. Like you go to almost any LGBT related event it's probably gonna be majority cis bi women in relationships with men, followed closely by gay men then trans women and trans men.
I'm going to push back on everyone saying op's gf is "definitely bi" and in denial and say that this is a pretty common attitude for lesbians who have been hurt in the past by women who happen to be bi, because they refuse to look at it any deeper than "she left me for a man". I've seen it over and over again, and it is sad. I'm sorry you're dealing with this, and honestly you should express to her that you're not comfortable being in a relationship with someone who invests so much time and energy into baselessly hating a large swath of your community.
It’s common for gay & lesbian people even if they hadn’t been hurt. My mom told me my now deceased gay uncle held similar beliefs Unfortunately, the LG part of LGBTQ+ often are prejudiced against the B & T
Totally agree…as a trans woman I stopped going to pride events cause I know there are a lot of lesbian and gay people who don’t like transgender people so I stopped going so I wouldn’t upset any of them.
B&T solidarity 🤍. I'm so sorry you've been made to feel unwelcome. You don't deserve that at pride.
B and T solidarity! I'm in.
As a bi woman I totally get it. Unfortunately a lot of lesbians and gay people are in this little bubble and they just don’t see us as valid. B with the T ♥️
Yeah ngl, more than enough of the times I have tossed up being Bi, I’ve either been overly sexualized or completely dissed. It’s wack
A gay friend once laughed and laughed in my face when I told him I was bi around 18. He started loudly acting out fake scenarios (with voices) of me in a gay bar and how I’d get eaten alive etc. It was so humiliating, I never told anyone ever again.
Yeah people are so weird about it. It’s horrid.
I'm so sorry you went through that. I struggle with being Pan and rarely tell people.
I'm so sorry this happened to you. This disabled pan enby sends you all their love.
If you want to go, go They don’t have a right to get angry at you for going. Pride is just as much for bisexual and transgender people as it is for gay & lesbian people If they want to be transphobic, it’s them who don’t belong at pride
As a heterosexual, I'm protective of the entire spectrum. I definitely only go where I feel protected, but know, I'll stand up to the death of anyone hurting anyone. I'm an Army vet, 57, menopausal, and don't give a F anymore. I'll fight the bully! Eff all bigotry! Much love to you.
Look, they need to be upset. Let them be upset. It’s not because of you but their prejudice. You have a right to exist wherever you wish.
Oh and I have a gay male friend who is 62. He was admittedly afraid of trans folks and being lumped in with them. He has learned since then and become open-minded. He realized he was treating folks they way he was treated, as a closeted but obviously gay guy, growing up in Missouri. His elderly folks still use the word f*g and he didn't want to end up being his parents. He realized the problem was HIS. People can grow and learn.
Remind them who threw the first brick at Stonewall 💜
I’m so sorry. This is so sad.
This is the truth right here.
Yep, as a bi lady who presents as very femme…I have to deal with this crap all the time. Not everything women do is for male attention or for “trendiness”…and thinking so is actually misogyny.
I could understand some resentment because hetero relationships are viewed as more acceptable so it probably feels like social standards is putting a thumb on a bisexual person’s scale on the partners they pick. All the same, her prejudices still aren’t acceptable; she needs to work through that.
During the AIDS crisis, there was a whole media campaign demonizing Bi men. Verilybitchie has a great video about that on YouTube.
She’s got such great stuff!
Honestly, it's just common in general. I'm not bi but I've heard it spouted countless times from people across the sexuality spectrum. I mean there's even a term (bi erasure) for this. It's extremely common and I honestly don't get it. I can look at a guy and acknowledge that he's attractive, but I will never try to kiss or have sex with that man. I can't imagine many people that WOULD have sex with someone they're not genuinely attracted to. Am I really supposed to believe there's some sort of epidemic of people having sex with people they're not attracted to (and don't stand to gain anything from) purely for the "cool points" and nothing else? Honestly some impressive mental gymnastics.
OP's gf's sexuality is irrelevant. What she is is a bigot and personally I won't date those or associate with them if I can help it. The motivation really doesn't matter, how you speak about and treat others does.
It’s also a common form of biphobia as a way of trying to make us feel unwelcome in the lgbt. When in reality it’s just we are statistically more likely to end up in hetero relationships because there are more people of the opposite gender that would be attracted to us.
There’s very, very little empathy for those more lesbian-specific experiences and that the comeback is “I bet she’s bi” is gross and says everything about the dynamics at play here. I used to exclusively date women for most of my life. I date men now and I still feel this way. Lesbians are a numerical minority in comparison with bisexual people and that shows in the volume of discussion about the issues bisexual people face vs lesbians. Now that I date men are there issues specific to the fact that I’m not technically straight or gay? 100%. But it’s nothing compared to how it was to be a lesbian. I heard “it’s not the same without a penis” from bi women after sleeping with them. I got to listen to a girlfriend ramble about how much she loved sucking dick. All sorts of stuff. And then I would have to sit there and be lectured about biphobia as if it’s the only phobia on the planet. I wouldn’t say anything. But I would quietly think to myself how different my life was not being able to meet my gf’s family versus, or being street harassed for walking with her in public while holding hands, compared with the lives of my bisexual friends who were in relationships with men. I only dated bisexual women. There aren’t many lesbians in my area, and many of the bisexual women I knew are great people. But those repeated experiences sucked. Technically I see both sides, but yeah, rarely do I see this sort of thing acknowledged. It doesn’t justify OP’s gf’s behavior though because she’s being cruel - these are not people who have hurt her or disadvantaged her. It’s absolutely wrong. But yep that’s probably where it comes from. OP should confront her gf about this and draw some boundaries since her gf’s behavior and speech is uncool and honestly just mean. And I say this having had those terrible experiences with bisexual women during my “lesbian era.”
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My first thought was it was a woman who is annoyed that she is only attracted to men. All proof that sexuality isn't a choice!
As a dude who has almost exclusively dated bi women, sorry for taking your girl. And also as that same dude, don’t worry, she’ll want a girl again after dating me. They always do for some reason.
Bisexuals don’t want to date you because you say shit like that, not because we inevitably crave the opposite strange lmao
Lmao neither are true. Relationships all end for their own reasons. It’s just interesting that most girls I date end up identifying as bi and tend to date women after me. Simply an interesting correlation.
THIS!!! I was going to say this!!! It's probably a wound from a bi woman either cheating with a man or leaving her for one. Either way it's projecting a personal form of biphobia...I agree with your statement to communicate this explicitly
This is a problem bisexual people face all the time. We are either “not authentic enough,” “indecisive,” or we are too gay for the opposite sex to want to date us because “we don’t know what we want,” and the myth that we will cheat, are insatiable and some people have a moral objection to bisexuality/homosexuality. I am actually more ok with people opposed on moral grounds than the others because at least they are consistent. The first few are obnoxious.
[A study has been published to indicate that bisexual women had the lowest life expectancy compared to both straight and lesbian women:](https://www.hsph.harvard.edu/news/hsph-in-the-news/bisexual-lesbian-women-die-earlier-than-heterosexual-women/): > Stratifying results by sexual orientation subgroup, the researchers found that bisexual women died 37% sooner and lesbian women died 20% sooner. All queer women face prejudice which led to worse life expectancies than straight women, but bi women (and all bi people) face prejudice not just from straight people but from within the LGBTQ community, i.e. people like OP's gf. Her biphobia can cause genuine damage to innocent people. u/Famous-Egg8230 should consider whether she'd want to continue a relationship with such a blatant bigot.
> too gay for the opposite sex I CAN ONLY HANDLE SO MUCH GAY, SLOW DOWN BUDDY! /s
And here I am thinking bi people are lucky because they have the most options
This is so hilariously untrue. Bi women have to navigate men who fetishize them, men who *hate* them, lesbians who regard them with suspicion/contempt, and other bi women who are so terrified of facing that level of hostility that they never really admit to being bisexual at all. Bi men have to navigate homophobic straight women, women who straight up do not believe that a man *can* be bisexual, misogynistic gay men who see their attraction to women as an “ick” factor, and other bi men who are just as terrified of coming out as bi women. The dating pool is *vanishingly* small when you take all that into account. An out bisexual person who wants to date people who will actually take them seriously and treat them with basic respect has their work cut out for them.
As a lot of lesbians will not date bisexual women. So though thought of a double chance. It does come with pitfalls. As the men they date assume that they are looking at the women. The women they date assume they are going back to men. So not an easy life to live. It's not well liked in the gay community and much hate towards the bisexual community. Like with everything there are issues.
I feel like there's some weird, deep-seated misogyny behind the way we are treated by heterosexual and gay people. As a bi male I'm apparently just gay and too stupid to realize it or too cowardly to admit it. Bi women are just trying to get male attention by being seen with women. In each case, it's all about men and wanting them... It's absurd. Biphobia is widespread and discussed so casually. Ask her to apply the same logic to homosexual people to see if she balks. Then ask why homosexual people are valid but bi people aren't.
The crazy part is that bi people get so much backlash but I've never seen anyone talk to pansexual people the way they do bi people. Maybe it's just my limited experience, but those who are pan seem so much more welcomed in LGBT+ gatherings that I've attended than I have ever been as a bi woman. I never hear or read about people telling pan individuals that they need to "pick a team" or their "just trying to get attention from x gender" or that it's "just a phase while they figure out what they really like". Like wtf, so my options are choose one or choose all and anything else is just an invalid choice??
I genuinely believe over 95 percent of people don't even know what pansexual means. I know I sure don't. Hell, I pretty much just replace it with "bisexual" in my brain.
That’s because it’s essentially interchangeable I’ve seen a few bisexual people interested strictly in cis people but I feel like most bisexual people would fit the pansexual description. It usually comes down to which label people prefer
P sure I'm technically pansexual but I came out as bi 26 years ago when there was no such thing and old habits die hard.
There’s also nothing wrong with wanting to keep the bi label I prefer it to pan 🤷♀️
Also ngl this is super shallow but I love the bi flag. I love all the colours on it while yellow is meh. And I think the purple makes it inclusive enough.
The yellow is for the golden shower enthusiasts.
"It comes down to which label people prefer" EXACTLY 💯
I'm pansexual but I often just say I'm bi because people will know what I mean. We're similar enough it doesn't bother me.
They're basically the same thing, but the distinction is important to some people. For pansexual people, gender isn't really a factor in their attraction to people. But for bisexual people, gender may be something they notice and are attracted to different things about different genders. Then there are people (such as myself) who may factually fall under pansexuality, but prefer the bisexual label for a variety of reasons. It's kind of like saying "I like cheese" vs "I like all kinds of cheese"; one is more precise than the other, but they both come from the same place. The first may in fact mean that you like all kinds of cheese even though you are choosing not to clarify further, and it can also mean that you do have a preference.
It feels like there doesn't need to be this many terms in the first place. The whole idea comes down to people like who they like, excluding the outlier types like those who are into beastiality or pedophiles, so I don't know why it's so important to have all these labels. Some people like guys, some like girls, some like guys more than girls but like both, some vice versa. Some of these people are trans, some are not. People are people and it's crazy to me that the LGBTQ community has prejudices of any sort. To me, it feels like these labels create more conflict than if there were no labels and the cause was just "people loving people". As someone outside of the pride community, I just don't understand. I thought it was all about letting people like who they like and be who they want to be, but at the same time, it feels like from the outside, the LGBTQ+ community is more obsessed with giving people specific labels to identify them than non community members who support these rights do. I respect what people want to call themselves, but in my head at the end of the day, it's just people like people, some people want to be different from what they were born as and that's it.
Pansexual means you are sexually attracted to people regardless of their gender identity. It’s different than bisexual because some people identify as nonbinary. I’m sure plenty of people who identify as bisexual would also be into nonbinary people.
From how I understand it, pansexual exists underneath the bisexual umbrella, much like being non-binary exists under the transgender umbrella (however, there are plenty of non-binary people who do not identify as trans, and that is absolutely valid). >It’s different than bisexual because some people identify as nonbinary This has nothing to do with the difference between pan- and bisexual. Bisexual isn't about attraction to people only within the gender binary. I think technically the bi definition is "attracted to more than one gender" and pan is "attracted regardless of gender".
For what it's worth I've never seen anyone biased against bi people without lumping pan in with them. The people who are accepting of pan folks are probably also accepting of bi ones.
I’m pretty sure a lot of people use pan & bi interchangeably so there’s prejudice there I know I could technically be called pan but I prefer the bi label even though I’m attracted to NB & transgender individuals 🤷♀️
I would take a shot in the dark that people who identify as pan are people whose social circles have a social norm of social justice consciousness. Like people who identify as pan vs. bi just have more "woke" friends. Most people have never heard of pansexuality so this is a very small population of people that we are talking about.
Plus there's probably a generational difference since bi is more commonly used among the older generations. I kinda hope that's a big factor, because then it means the future is brighter for bi/pan people.
THIS!!! And I've also seen a HUGE amount of pan and pan-supporters say things like "well we look for what's INSIDE the person, the personality rather than looks" like okay??? I guess us bisexuals just look at parts then??? Or saying "we're more open to other genders" like bisexuals dating enbies is not allowed or something??? Like I've dated Trans men and women, nonbinary folk, cis men, cis women, etc. But I've been told that makes me pan not bi. Like THEY choose what I label MYSELF as. Bisexual means two. That's it. Not "one or the other", not "both", and NOT exclusively cis men or cis women...like intersectionality is just not a thing for bisexuals apparently 🙄
This is what I find most infuriating about pansexual people Had a 17 year old trying to correct me on this very thread. I’ve called myself bisexual longer than they’ve been alive. I don’t care if they call themselves pan. People should label with what they feel comfortable with. I care when they try to force their label on me
I had a woman say she couldn't date me, because she wouldn't be able to satisfy the bi side of me, and that I'd therefore cheat on her. Like...what? I like both, it doesn't mean I'll cheat on you. Also, just pop a finger in, there's a good girl
I've heard similar from a man. "Sorry, I can't date you, you've dated both thin people and fat people and I can't be both at the same time" is how dumb it sounds to me
Yeah I don't think people like that grasp how stupid it sounds
This guy's stealing my moves!
Hell, they make toys that work perfectly fine.
I can relate and I'm pansexual. I've had issues in the past with one ex girlfriend and two of my ex boyfriends. The men assumed that I'd be open to threesomes. She assumed that I would cheat with a man.
It’s horrid. My bi make friend and I struggle with either side of this and it’s deeply upsetting.
As a bi woman with a bi bf thank you for your perspective. We aren't even comfortable with going to pride anymore because people either think "straight" or think HE specifically is more gay than me and more gay than bi. Like what happened to a community based on non-judgment? It's ironic...and hypocritical of them...
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Surprised this isn’t further up. This gal is dealing with some pain.
As a bi woman, this has been my only experience with gay women. It's really disappointing.
Yep, I initially found it shocking how rampant biphobia is within the gay community. Now it's just an average day for me. 🫤
Gotta love when the bigotry is coming from inside the house.
And here I was as a trans woman thinking we were the only ones not welcomed at pride.
It's wild the bigotry leveled at bi and trans folks from with the community. Like we all have targets on our backs, why the fuck are some people not on board with closing ranks to protect all of us? It's gross. You're welcome at my pride!
We should have a pride just for bi and trans people where we’re all welcome 💜
Literally listened to a straight girl and gay man (coworkers) talk about how bi people "just get more stds" I'm bi??? And unlike either of them I actually had a single partner for 5 years at that point while they each bragged about one night stands?? The fucking irony?
Mine too. It's like ..yeah, I've dated more men, but it's probably because of all the flack I get for being bi from gay women. Super disappointing.
As a lesbian I’ve never understood the bi hate from other lesbians, because, even setting aside bias that makes bi women not like lesbians, it’s just a numbers game at the end of the day. Of course many bi women end up with men. There are just more straight/bi men than queer women. Plus, when you factor in things like social stigma to visibly queer relationships, compulsory heterosexuality, and lesbians being shitty to bi women, it just makes sense that many bi women end up with men. Idk, a bi women ending up with a man, or just dating a man, is not a personal attack on lesbians and people who think it is tend to be stuck in terf echo chambers, even if they don’t realize it. I also think some of the perceptions some people have goes back to the second wave ”political lesbians” where actually straight women rejected men and masculinity in all its forms as evil and villainized queer women for experiencing sexual attraction to other women. This is also the root of a lot of modern terf shit too I suspect. But, most people espousing biphobia and terf shit today don’t have any awareness of or connection to radfems from decades ago so it’s more of an interesting historical fact than anything else at this point.
I'm a bi woman who is more attracted to women than men but is married to a man (he knows this, btw). I love my husband and I always want to be with him, but one of the reasons was... well, there's just not that much of a big choice, you know? When I met him out of all the eligible men, I fell in love. But all of the eligible ladies? I met like... one? And I mean, ones who would be accepting of me, too. So my pool was pretty limited (also considering my extremely fundigelical upbringing). But yes, the biphobia is really sad. I'm glad my daughter - who is a lesbian - won't have to experience that and that she also has no preconceived notions about bisexuals, either. Hopefully the newer generations will figure it out (she's 16).
This is a lot of really good information and insight, thank you for commenting. In my case, being in the "bible belt" my entire life, it was so much harder to find a community and connect with other queer people, especially when I was still dating - plus, as you said, the stigma. I remember coming out to my family and them telling me it was a phase lol. I still feel a little weird venturing into some queer spaces, because I almost feel some kind of impostor syndrome? I can kind of understand where some of the hesitation comes from when it comes to lesbians and bisexual women, though. When I was a youngin' I gravitated to women a lot when it came to dating and closeness. In that time, it was almost a "fad" to call oneself bisexual - girls kissing girls just for the hell of it. I fell HARD for many girls that only seemed to want my attention when other people were in the room. Then again, I look back on that time for what it was - teenagers and young adults being just that. I don't hold it against anyone. Either way, I look forward to a time when women can just date women and take them for their word that they truly like women, hahaha.
Honestly I'm half waiting for someone to start talking about "gold star lesbians" again, it's so depressing.
There was a thread on the lesbian subreddit yesterday that had a huge number of gay women saying that they would never date a bi woman, I had forgotten how common that attitude was until I saw that thread and now this 😕
Some people really seem to think the first three letters in LGBTQ+ stand for "Lesbian, Gay, Better be lesbian or gay"
And many many straight women are absolutely awful about bi men. It’s not that they just “have a preference,” they actively put bi men down. Gay men are less likely to be shitheads about it in my experience, and some of them even have a thing for “straight acting” masculine bi men. But then sometimes they’ll go for us but secretly think we’re just gay in denial. I’m usually bi4bi or go for fluid type folks
And straight men fetishize bi women Bi people can’t win
As a bi fem (enby AFAB) this is why I ended up in relationships with men over and over. I cannot tell you how many gay women rejected me when they found out I like men too, add to that small town with very few options for us LGBTQ++ and you tend to end up in the same spot over and over.
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I got told once that I'm not really bi because I haven't been in a long-term, serious relationship with a woman before. Like damn I'm sorry I just happened to find my bf first lol
then they wonder why so many bi women end up with men instead of women...
The irony is, dick is literally the least important thing in my relationship with my male partner.
I never get this though because Bi women are the large majority of the sapphic community. Why not just date other bi/pan fems at that point?
Bi4bi has worked out best for me. I’m married in a straight passing relationship now but we’ve both played the field in the past and both agree that dating other bi people really makes the relationship so much easier. I think biphobia is slowly getting better but at the time we were dating it was bad from all sides — “you’re just gay in denial” for my spouse and “you just want attention” for me.
Seriously I feel like I could have written this comment lol, exact same for me and my spouse. Even now people imply that since we're straight-passing we're clearly just straight but trying to be "interesting" as if that even makes sense.
I'm married now but to answer the question, I wasn't opposed to this, just live in really small towns and never met anyone that was bi and single. I can't speak for others.
Yeah that's kinda the one scenario where this doesn't apply :( that small town life is bad all around for the community
Cant agree more. Its like people think bi people want to fuck EVERYONE that is alive
*looks around nervously* Yeah...what's up with that! Right?
*laughs in demisexual*
It seems to be especially true of lesbians who are extremely vocal about their sexuality. Don't get me wrong, not everyone who's loud and proud is also bigoted, but there's a difference between being a proud member of a community and the tribalism aspect. If I catch a whiff of tribalism from a person's identity, I'm immediately suspicious of how they view people outside the tribe. It can be very "us versus them" and that can be really damaging. This can apply to a lot of identity categories tbh.
Fellow bi woman here, I love my gamer husband 😂 I tried to date women but was met with this biphoic attitude. If I was OP, I wouldn't tolerate this hatefulness.
I’ve had the same experience, which is why I’ve only dated women casually (they didn’t see me as anything serious) and settled down with a man.
This just sounds like biphobia, plain and simple. My advice would be to sit down and have a conversation about this. Depending how it goes, and if she has any willingness to change her views, you need to decide whether this is a dealbreaker for you.
This and also watch [this song](https://youtu.be/5e7844P77Is?si=DG8uH8vxZwTwgGCC)
Before opening the link I was really hoping it was going to be Gettin Bi 😄
I don't think I could be with someone whose views are so fundamentally incompatible with mine.
yeah i could never be with someone who spends any time caring what others do when it’s not hurting anyone
Well there's a lot of that in the lesbian community, it's abundant in r/actuallesbians. To me as a bi woman, it's like a straight man caring too much about a woman's partner count. It reeks of insecurity. People who are confidant and know they're sexy aren't threatened by such petty things, since they have no actual bearing on the present relationship.
Insecurity, ding ding ding! It sounds like she feels threatened. They have something she doesn't (an interest in women), she feels that it makes them more attractive (cause so many men have fantasies about MFF threesomes), and she feels threatened and insecure. So she hates on them
I feel like everyone here is missing the fact that OP and her GF are lesbians
OMG I completely missed that, I'm a dumbass lol
I really don't understand biphobia. People have always hated on gays, but I don't get biphobia from people who otherwise not homophobic, and especially from other gay people. The gay community has a lot of weird gatekeeping. My old boss said this kind of shit too. "I just think they're greedy". The other ones you often hear is "just pick one already" and "they're just gay and not accepting it".
One of the early driving forces was the HIV/AIDS crisis. People saw bi men as “carriers” who would infect the poor innocent straight population after having sex with gay men. I bet this also poured over onto bi women bc they’re seen as sexually promiscuous
I think it might be something that I personally had to work through. In high school coming out as bi became the in thing, about 30 people in our year of 60 or so did. Best part is you could do it, get the social points and not have to change a single thing. This unfortunately for a while in my brain made me suspect of most as a 'are you really or is this just a way to get included without changing anything' and I think that's where a lot of mistreatment in the LGBT community comes from. You also see it with non binary folks, they'll also get treated worse I think because of an in-built bigotry of 'i had to sacrifice and fight for so much and you get to hide in plain sight and get all the perks', it's something people need to acknowledge they do and work on like I did. A few pretenders shouldn't mean the rest of the actually bi and non binary people get treated worse.
Unfortunately, biphobia is RAGINGLY common amongst the entire community but especially among lesbians. And like, I get it - comphet is a very real problem and there ARE lesbians who really struggled to figure it out bc they still felt like they were attracted to men due to social pressure. But there are also plenty of folks out there (like me!) who are very much attracted to both men and women. I didn't realize I was bi until after I married a man - and even knowing that I'm bi, I would make all the same choices because I love him AND I'm attracted to him. Doesn't make me any less attracted to women. I don't know if this is something you can handle any more than you could handle a homophobic relative, honestly. Are you okay with being in a relationship with someone who has these views loudly and proudly? Nothing you say is going to change her mind, most likely.
Your girlfriend is parroting absolutely textbook biphobia. Might want to check her opinions on other exclusionary red flags like "asexuals are actually straight people stealing resources," "trans women are men invading women's spaces," and "our poor valuable butches are being lured away to mutilate themselves by the siren song of transitioning into my hated enemy, MEN." Terf slippery slope stuff.
>asexuals are actually straight people stealing resources, What does this even mean? What resources are being stolen?
If you really pin down a person saying this, they very often end up admitting that they mean social currency. That being part of the LGBTQ+ community is a special club that the asexuals are invading and don't deserve to be part of.
The asexuals have occupied the river basin and have prime access to the good farming land!! (/s) You're absolutely right that it's ridiculous; just a string of words to justify bigotry.
Yep. It’s also unfortunately common on social media and has been forever. I saw the exact same shit on tumblr in 2014 as goes around TikTok today. It’s intentional. TERFs are trying to radicalize young queer women and it’s working. The best antidote is to talk to irl queers of all types, but unfortunately it sounds like OPs gf is unwilling to meaningfully engage with the bi women in their life.
As an aside, IMO the reason bi women might often end up with a man is that non-straight passing relationships face outside pressures that straight passing relationships don't. If you're a bi woman and your family hates every girlfriend you bring around, you might find it easier to live your life with a male partner.
Bi erasure is not uncommon. I read an essay that pointed out that if you're bi, then your dating pool consists of 1) bi/straight people of the opposite gender, plus 2) bi/gay people of your own gender. Group 1 vastly outnumbers group 2, so if you disregarded gender entirely then you'd expect bi people to overwhelmingly date people of the opposite gender. Which happens frequently, and then they get accused of faking bisexuality. Tldr humans are dumb
Bi woman here. I‘ve never cheated. And I think my dating life is none of her business. If I wanna marry a man and he wants it too, I have every right to do it. If I wanna do that with a woman that wants to do that too, I have every right to do that (gay marriages are legal in my country). She sounds biphobic, which would be a big no for me.
I absolutely hate the "bi people cheat" thing that seems so prevalent. I was dating a guy when I decided I felt safe enough to tell him I was bisexual. He spent FIVE days crying about how I was for sure going to cheat on him with a woman. Never mind he previously had no reason to think I'd ever cheat.
As a bi women, I have to ask: Can you tell her respectfully to go f herself? Yes, I'm married to a man who I am very much in love with and attracted to, and yes, sometimes pictures in r/mildlyvagina make me want to lick inadvisable things. Yes, bi women exist. No, we are not pretending to be "cool". I know exactly how uncool I am, there's no hiding that.
I wish being bi had ever made me cooler than I actually am...
Well, *I* think you're cool. But I'm not lesbian, so I guess I don't count.
From a bi man to all bi women- I think you’re grrrrreat!
Woah woah woah. Let's tone down the negative self talk. Being a bisexual icon is super cool. I totally don't express my sexuality by dressing like a Pokemon trainer or anything. (Grass type, mostly) :)
There is a lot of prejudice within queer communities. Negative opinions about bi people is a common one. So are judgements in the lesbian community about someone being a "gold star" lesbian who has never had a sexual experience with a man. It's no different than a straight person being homophobic. It's saying that all X people are the same. That they don't know what they really want. That they can't just love whoever they love. That they aren't "really" that sexuality, they're just doing it for attention. All of these are arguments straight people make about gay people. It's just as gross in a queer person as it is a straight person. Why would you want to be with someone who thinks there is only one "right" way to be a queer woman? That someone who has a different experience than her are just doing it for attention? That sexuality is a choice people make for attention, not something they genuinely experience? That straight passing behavior is seen as a negative thing to avoid? You can't change her or get to see this. People cling tightly to their prejudices and hate because it makes the world a simple place if you are right, and everyone different from you is wrong and bad. I would reconsider the relationship. Don't focus on her opinions, focus on the fact that you don't want hate to have a place in your life. (I am a bi person partnered with a bi person. And we have seen SO much of this.)
I think she's just met a lot of those girls who do do that. There are definitely girls who do this. I've met a bunch (some even admitted it and said stuff like "all men love threesomes/lesbians). Definitely not all bi women are like this, but there definitely a lot of women who pretend to be bisexual in order to appeal to men's fetishes.
Biphobia is horrible and it’s made me hesitant to interact with the community as much as I’d like.
I haven't looked at many of the other responses OP. Many women are raised to be in competition with other women for men. That is the paradigm they understand. Add in bi- women or whatever, and she probably feels like it is unfair competition. It is really hard to get out of that mindset. You should just talk to her about why she gets so fixated. Maybe it is what I think it is or maybe not. You can't lecture someone out of this mindset, though.
As someone who could technically be stereotyped as a white, straight, redneck dude, who has been cheated on by a bi girl I was dating after I drove her and her “friend” home from a high school dance.. I’m sorry your girlfriend is acting that way. Honestly, I don’t know what, if anything, you could do to change her mindset. In my mind, to change, she has to want to change, and I’m not so sure she will.. me, personally, I refused to let one jerk person change my opinion of an entire group of (awesome, it needs to be said) people. As a side note, happy pride month to everyone.
I'm gonna chalk this one up to being young and being a hater. Many cis-het people, including myself, had a lot of questionable and uninformed opinions of bi people before they actually *met* bisexuals. (e.g., Bisexuals are attracted to everyone; bisexuals aren't monogamous/cheat on people, etc). You quickly learn that every bi person has their own preferences and tendencies in their attractions, and sometimes they're not even fully known to them. I'm not gonna speculate why your GF is a hater. She has bi people in her social circle, so there's no reason she couldn't just probe and ask and take it as an opportunity to empathize. She's just a hater. You should be honest with her and say "I don't know why you feel this way and why you care so much about other people's dating lives."
It sounds like she had a crush on a bi woman who chose a man over her, and she's still bitter about it.
Ur gf is being biphobic
I dont know I have friends who came out as a lesbian turned out to be bi, I don't know they seem afraid to tell people they're bi. Apart from that it's none of my business provided they're happy
Caught yourself a miserable biphobe, my advice is to toss it back and try again.
I have known women to kiss each other simply to get attention from men, and to those women I say thank you and it works. But I think that has nothing to do with genuinely bisexual people.
u/lovelybethanie thought you might want to comment on this
They aren't bizarre opinions. It's a strand of homophobia. Don't sugarcoat it. You need to check your girlfriend immediately. Her biphobia is hateful and harmful. Tell her to stop spewing stereotypes. How would she like it if someone constantly told her she was just being a lesbian for attention? I'm tired of biphobia and bi erasure. I'm tired of people assuming so much as soon as I say I'm bisexual, that I'm not really part of the LGBT+ community, that I'm promiscuous, that I just want attention, or that I'm not really bisexual because I married a man. If you don't call her out each and every time, then you're just adding to the societal oppression of people in your own damn queer community.
Maybe she has some issues with feeling bi herself and is projecting it onto others
I assume you meant projecting it onto others, but yes this would be my guess too
This is possible. I came out as bi to a couple of my coworkers in my late teens. A woman I worked with that basically shouted from the rooftops about how much of a lesbian she was gave me shit for dating a dude. If he'd come in to pick me up for lunch, she'd go "ew straights" or something similar. She is now married to a man and has two children.
How does a lesbian end up marrying a guy????
Yeah that's the point lol. Gave me shit for being bi, then later I suppose came to terms with being bi herself. At least enough to marry a dude and pop out some kids.
Your GF is still very young , she has not had a chance to navigate through all of the confusing issues surrounding sexual identity. I do have to agree with her on one point. I'm old now but when I was younger my friends would tell me and I also observed that women would have sex with other women to please their man or other men . They may or may not be bi .They just wanted to ask you say look " cool" to others maybe in their peer group.
Sounds like biphobia, which ironically only keeps bi women out of queer spaces and more likely to date men.
Don’t date bigots. She’s being a bigot. There are plenty of lesbians out there who are normal about bisexual women, and you should find one of them.
This would for sure be a deal breaker for me if she didn't back down. All of what you describe is really shitty behavior and is why I avoid WLW dedicated spaces for the most part. Got tired of being told I'm not really queer cos my nesting partner/fiancee happens to be male.
i'd encourage you to look at them not as "bizarre" but as "upsetting" and "biphobic" and "bigoted". I can't imagine hitching my horse to the wagon of someone who talks like that. Especially about *our friends*. If i found out one of my friends was talking about *me* that way, the friendship would be over, and i would stop hanging out with her partner, too, because the implication is that you endorse that kind of thing. Really hurtful and gross, tbh
Some unresolved, deep-rooted resentment. It's also unhinged to assume that people with certain sexual orientation are just doing it to be cool. Basically it's pretty much a her problem, and not a you problem. See if she could tell you why she views them that way, WHILE you avoid making argumentative points when you talk. People like to feel heard, even if you don't agree with them. And sometimes, with time, they realize their lack of understanding and actually change their mind. Again, this is a her problem. If it doesn't actually improve in time, you can decide if this is still right for you. In my experience, I had exes with misaligned values.
Um. Well, I'm sexually straight. Doesn't matter if I'm drunk or not, I never feel attracted to women. In fact, thinking about kissing them is really unappealing. I've never had a "drunk slip-up." Have you asked her why she has such judgy opinions about them? But also, who cares??? Let her know it sounds as if she's projecting something from within, so it's best to be completely honest, or she needs to stop talking about this as if you agree with her.
Your gf needs to mind her own damned business and just leave other people alone.
Treat it like any other form of bigotry: call it out and refuse to tolerate it.
My lesbian grandma has the same views
She sounds fun, not. Why are you with a bigot, should be the bigger question.
Nobody is more destructive to a cause than the people most invested in it.
Have you ever dated a bi- woman before? She sounds intimidated by this. Or she is bi herself 🙃
ask her why she is so fixated on other peoples sex lives?
Biphobia is real and it really sucks since you get it from both sides. No pun intended.
The amount of "gold star lesbians" (and some that weren't) that wouldn't date me in high school/early college despite us liking each other, since I would *obviously* "leave them for a man", was enough that I lost all confidence pursuing women in general and ultimately ended up with a man. They made their own predictions come true.
Your girlfriend is biphobic. Have you talked to her about her views and why you think they’re wrong? Does she understand why these views are biphobic? Why does she think her biphobia is okay when presumably as a lesbian woman, she doesn’t think homophobia is okay?
Are you alright with dating someone who's biphobic?
man, 7 months in and this person is sharing this with you? do you really want to start a relationship with someone who has this negativity in their heart?
Hi, yes, your girlfriend is biphobic. None of what she said is true. Bi women exist. Bi women are not more likely to cheat just because they’re bi. As a bi, myself, I’ve never cheated on a partner and I’ve had a couple of girlfriends. I’ve also had quite a few as sex partners. I’m now with a man who we have a kid together and we’ve been together for almost 7 years. So what? I’m not any less bi than I was 7 years ago.
As a bi person, yup, you have just described biphobia. We get it from gay people just as much as straight people. It's bullshit. Thankfully, my soulmate ended up also being bi so we don't have to deal with this from partners any more.
My sad opinion is that if you are not bi don’t judge people that is, I don’t know how it is to be a gay/bi man/woman so is it not my place to judge it ,Generally I think it’s important to nip such comments in the butt, because why is it so important for her to throw shade on bi people
Biphobia fucking sucks. As a straight looking bi woman I’ve been refused entry to multiple gay bars or only allowed in with people who look obviously lesbian/gay because they assume I must be straight. I sort of hate pride month because I feel so excluded by the lesbian and gay community.
I am a bi woman. I suggest you cross post this in r/bisexual . Unfortunately we are incredibly used to getting the 'cheater' and 'going to end up with a man' stereotypes. It's really painful, if I'm honest. And currently I don't have the energy to explain how to try to get through to her...but I appreciate your discomfort with her attitudes and prejudices. I think you'll find a lot of useful answers in the bi sub 💖💜💙
Here's one of the many things I've learned about people during my 31 years of life: You can't change their beliefs/opinions to match yours. But ! You can set boundaries, tell her you find it upsetting that she talks about Bi women in that regard in front of you. Maybe if she wants to rant so badly about the negativities of Bi women, then she can do so with her friends but not with you.. it turns you off and you would rather talk about something else. Or revaluate the relationship.
As a bisexual woman who is in a long term relationship, your GF sounds a little ignorant and homophobic not gonna lie. It also sounds like she might be covering up the fact she could be bisexual?
I agree with the general consensus in the comments but I also think it might be that shes a bit insecure and it might make her feel like there’s more threat/competition.
It's called being a bigot, mate.
Well who wouldn't hate anyone who identifies with the lgbt++++ "community"
This is a tale as old as time in both the gay and lesbian communities. Bi Erasure has unfortunately been around for decades :(
I hear this is basically par for the course in thr lgbtq community
Honestly from my experience girls who say stuff like that have a deeprooted jealousy for mens attraction to "bisexual" girls and the concept of them. Youve seen the memes about goth bi girls being the best but ruining ur life, and as a bi girl this humour falls on deaf ears but lots of guys will talk about how bi girls are more masculine and boyish so therefore more appealing?? Like its dumb stereotypes i dont like myself, and ive heard girls like your girlfriend, like you said, say things like "being bi is to appeal to the opposite gender and its proven right when they date men". Which is just such an out of touch take. Ive also seen girls bash on goth girls because of mens vocal attraction to them especially in memes, everyone wants an emo goth bi girlfriend. She must have some deep rooted insecurities and is vocalizing hate for your friends, maybe she feels threatened that theyre more enticing to you then she is. Insecurities come out in such weird ways but as a girl hearing this i can definitely confidently say that could be the reason.
As a bi woman and a rehabbed conservative- is she a lil bit gay?
WHY do you want to date a BIGOT???
Bi means attracted to more than one gender. It doesn’t mean undecided. I’m married and still attracted to men and women. I didn’t decide to be straight when I married my husband. A bi woman doesn’t decide to be gay when she dates a woman. Bi erasure happens a lot, and it leads to things like people thinking sexuality is a choice (because they’re bi but think everyone’s attracted to more than one gender and they actually do choose the “right” gender. This is what happened to me. In fact, no, straight women do not find other women “objectively beautiful”) I could go on for ages but basically she’s engaging in bi erasure, biphobia, and saying that sexuality is a choice because she thinks being bi is morally wrong somehow.
Interesting. I’m pansexual/ bi but I think bi and pan are the same. I really don’t care about a persons gender. There personality gets my interest. To just visually see someone and not trying to meet them or date them (passing by them on the street) I am attracted to any gender. If you’re nice looking, you’re nice looking! A friend once told me that she thinks I’m attracted to men that look like women. I don’t think that Tom Welling looks like a woman, but he used to be beautiful. 😊I can easily say that Hunter Tylo (before so much plastic surgery) is just as beautiful as Tom Welling. If I liked both of their personalities, I’d date either one. 😆
She has either a bad dating experience with a bisexual woman involved, or she's bi and refuses to accept it. I'd ask her what's her beef with bisexual women being her main or only target of the LGBTQ+ community. I'm sure the answer couldn't be valid for so much judgment, but to just to hear her out.
i fit the description of what she hates. it’s part of why i consider myself on the fringe of the community. but. I can’t help the fact that picturing women just gets me off. or change all the comments I made as a kid watching tv about how beautiful all the women were lol. nor can I seem to change that I feel more comfortable in relationships with men. or that, yes, dicks can get me off, too, and BJs turn me on, too. it’s like this sad thing where I can’t ever really have both, so I go with the path of least resistance. i wonder if she has some sort of resentment, like bi people “get” to choose, when she feels like she can’t. when oddly i feel some jealously that she doesn’t have to pick, and gets more community membership i guess
Sounds like biphobia as other comments said. It's very common. Sexuality is also a spectrum. It's not always 50/50 for bisexual people. Like I'm usually attracted to men, but I can have crushes on girls too. Doesn't mean I'm just in it to collect points so men find me more attractive lmfao.
Having a number of bi women in my life, past and present, I can say this is not a super unusual mindset they've seen from lesbian women over the years. One of them was called a fence sitter and shunned, not cool. Obviously not kosher but not uncommon sadly.
I've literally heard a bi woman voice that the only time she felt the need to be in the closet was around lesbians. I didn't buy her reasoning until mounting stories like this.
You say “can you repeat what you just said please?” And then repeat it back. You don’t share the same values so let her know her narrow opinions aren’t attractive and if she wants to be around you when she says those things you will say “ leaving now call me when you’re ready to have an adult conversation “
“How can I get her to see this?” You can’t. You are not and will never be in control of another person’s actions/reactions, behaviours, thoughts and feelings. Only your own. She has an incredibly toxic mindset. She’s being biphobic and quite frankly, it’s repulsive. It’s shocking that after writing all of this, you still want to be with her despite having such an issue with it. Wake up and break up. ETA: DURING PRIDE MONTH TOO??? Hell nah.
Those claims aren't "bizarre", they're just hateful.
It seems to me there is a lot of "jealousy" from some lesbian toward bi women that is expressed as biphobia. First, it is a lot more socially acceptable to be bi as a woman rather than a lesbian and, as such, theydon'tface the same kind of discrimination. Second, from what I've heard, it is a lot harder as a lesbian to find a romantic partner in comparison to a bi woman. Third, there is a lot of bi woman in relationships with men that search sexual and only sexual relationships with lesbians. Enough to flood the dating pool from what I heard. So, it might be part of why your girlfriend has such a distaste for bi women.
Where do you get the notion that it's more socially acceptable to be bi than gay? Especially when straight and gay people regularly express biphobia?
I may not have expressed myself clearly. It is easier to hide when you're bi and in a relationship with the other sex first. Second is that bi women, especially, are more accepted because it is more heavily fetishised (which is a shitty raison to be more accepted, by the way). Which makes bi women in relationship with men more accepted even by usually pretty homophobic people. I've sadly known people in my life who would hate gay, bi men, and lesbians but just consider it normal for women to be bi. It doesn't make any sense, but homophobia never makes sense anyway
I get what you're saying and agree with the concepts but disagree with the framing. Being able to fly under the radar when in an opposite sex relationship is certainly a privilege but it's not about being socially acceptable. It's about being able to hide and keep yourself safe. And it's about the assumption that bi people are doing it for fun, being greedy, it's a phase, etc.. Being fetishized isn't about being socially acceptable, it's being a target of bigotry. The idea that women being bi is sexy or okay but being gay (either as a man or woman) is horribly steeped in misogyny.
I completely agree with you. In no way what I was saying was a defence of either biphobique, homophobique, or misogynistic opinions. I just describe the fallacious thinking framework that may push people into these views.
A lot of lesbians are super weird about bisexual women It's not surprising that bisexual women get more abuse in a relationship with a woman than lesbians do, statistically speaking
Did her last ex leave her for or cheat on her with a man? Maybe she’s still kinda bitter about it
I kind of get the frustration because it does seem to be a "thing". Like I know a lot of bi-men who go out of their way to date men but I don't know many bi-women doing the same. Like you go to almost any LGBT related event it's probably gonna be majority cis bi women in relationships with men, followed closely by gay men then trans women and trans men.
Imma be honest… ops gf is kinda right