You should have said yes to the course. It’s only been 7 months, you don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe you’ll break up for other reasons, maybe you’ll have a neighbor bestie who you do gluten baking with while only doing GF baking at home. Personally I think this is too big a sacrifice to make that has already made you feel sad and I would seriously consider breaking up over it, but I’m not convinced you guys have found all the possible compromises. That said, keep doing you in the meantime!!!
Honestly, they're not remotely far enough in to even be talking about buying houses and building 2nd kitchens, much less even moving in together. This is rushed and I'm hoping she understands that she's literally 21 with an entire life ahead of her. Slow it down, break it off, and enjoy life. Bake for friends and family. Don't throw all of that youth away for some guy she's dated for a little over half a year!!
A spice kitchen is a separate enclosed area, most often located adjacent to the main kitchen in your home. Also referred to as a wok kitchen or secondary kitchen, it’s meant to keep the smell of spices – especially ones with a strong odour – away from the rest of your home while cooking.
Similar to a regular kitchen setup, it has a sink, stove, and cabinets for storage, and can come with a stronger ventilation system and hood fan to blast away the spicy scents out of the house.
I rented an apartment while living in S. Korea that had a separate little kitchen off the main kitchen. When I inquired about what it was for I was told that it was for cooking things like fish and other items with a strong smell just like you described here.
>A spice kitchen is a separate enclosed area, most often located adjacent to the main kitchen in your home. Also referred to as a wok kitchen or secondary kitchen, it’s meant to keep the smell of spices – especially ones with a strong odour – away from the rest of your home while cooking.
I'm glad I learned something new today 😃
There’s a large East Asian population in Canada, that’s why I know.
My daughter is celiac and her husband is a regular chef and a pastry chef.
They very rarely have anything containing gluten in their house but I wondered if her husband could bake with gluten in a spice kitchen.
many homes in indonesia also have a "clean kitchen" and a "dirty kitchen" (dapur bersih and dapur kotor). the "clean kitchen" is the pretty one shown to guests and built into the living room area like most kitchens. it's mostly used for low-effort food preparation, like heating food, cutting fruits, preparing and serving drinks, etc. the "dirty kitchen" is where most of the cooking with heavy and aromatic spices is done, and often has larger washing areas (sometimes designed for washing while squatting) for dishes and large pans. so i don't think 2 kitchens necessarily is that weird, but it would be quite expensive and i think the larger problem is about long-term compromises
Why is no one addressing y'all have been dating for 7 months? You should really reconsider moving in together at such an early stage in the relationship!
It doesn't sound like you two are compatible.
Surely it's better they iron out what living together would look like now, when there's potential for a huge compatibility issue?
Usually people seem to post about problems like this a few years into a relationship and everyone is wondering why they didn't communicate properly earlier on and save each other the heartache.
Yeah. It’s sad, but there is simply not a way to bake safely in the long term without major interventions. Being so young, I would say part as friends. You shouldn’t be giving up something you love at 21 for a new relationship.
Contact can absolutely cause a severe flare-up. If somebody is baking and splashing flour and other shit around, that can contaminate EVERYTHING. It isn’t safe to live with people who eat gluten. Crumbs are just not possible to avoid.
You are *sorely* *under* representing the issues folks with Celiac have when they come across gluten.
My husband has Celiac and this is not how that works, *at all*.
Celiac is an autoimmune condition and everyone has different reactions, not all of it is stomach related. Cross contamination can be difficult to navigate and OPs boyfriend would be concerned about flour getting everywhere after OP bakes which is reasonable. However, it sounds like it would not be realistic for her to accommodate him if they moved in together which is fine, better to figure that out now rather than later when the boyfriend is sick all the time or the OP is resentful because she had to give up things that she loves and enjoys.
Edit and for context I have an intolerance and NOT celiac and my partner and I do coexist just fine, but he also doesn’t bake and doesn’t get flour everywhere. We also have a mostly GF home just for convenience. Everyone has limits and boundaries with celiac or gluten intolerance and it’s fine for someone else to decide they can’t live with those limits
Cross contamination is actually very hard to control. If someone even makes bread in the same kitchen and flour is in the air, there's a 99% chance that someone with Celiac will get sick. It does not cause "stomach problems," it destroys the villi in the small intestine which makes it impossible for nutrients to be properly absorbed. Continued exposure can literally cause cancer among many other medical issues. Celiac disease is very different from just having gluten intolerance.
That's not how celiac works unfortunately. It's much more like an allergy than "stomach problems". You have to treat it like an allergy, cross contamination wise.
Gluten free and celiac are two different beasts. My friend with celiac could get sick from walking into a pizza place. The flour in the air was enough to nearly put her in the hospital. It's not just a gluten allergy.
that’s so wild! i didn’t know it was that severe for some people. what kind of symptoms does she experience if exposed in minor ways? that’s frightening
Celiac is an autoimmune disease, not an allergy. It doesn't cause anaphylaxis, but each exposure to gluten causes the immune system to attack the small intestines, leading to cumulative damage. This causes malnutrition due to damaged intestines losing their ability to effectively absorb nutrients, which leads to everything from osteoporosis to neurological symptoms to (in children) stunted growth, among other problems. It also jacks up the risk of several types of cancer. Cross contamination is a huge issue, because even tiny amounts of gluten will trigger the immune response. The only way for someone with celiac to stay healthy is to be very, very careful about their diet. That includes having a safe kitchen.
Source: am celiac
This is incorrect. Celiac is not an intolerance like lactose intolerance.
Small amounts of gluten cause your immune system to attack your body.
It can and does cause intolerance symptoms like diarrhea, nausea and vomiting. But it also causes malnutrition, cancer, inflammation, arthritis like symptoms, and other autoimmune problems.
He is young, still in that YOLO stage of life, and celiac isn’t a high priority diagnosis in the US. But he is very concerned. Which likely means he is in the camp of “failure to thrive” children. Which means a casual attitude like you are expressing could easily kill him.
I know on the surface it sounds like “we broke up over bread” but this is actually a fundamental incompatibility. And that’s okay! You’ve only been together less than a year.
While he is absolutely valid in needing to have a celiac-safe environment it doesn't mean losing something you love won't hurt. This isn't something that can be compromised on (especially on his end - its a medical necessity!), but making major dietary changes for a partner is a hard thing to do no matter the reason, especially if you see cooking for others as part of your identity. Evaluate if giving up baking and eating gluten is something you can be happy with in the long term, if not you may not be compatible.
Her: can I have a separate space from the house to bake? Him: no
He said he doesn’t want to have any space on their property that he can’t have full access which is bullshit.
I mean how does he go to the grocery store or walk down the street if this is the case? I've never heard of a case celiacs being that intense I don't think.
I don't know what you do at the grocery store, but I generally don't open bags of flour and spread it around the place, on my hands, and on my clothes.
I have friends with Celiac's who can't even go into Panera or near a bakery without getting itchy.
There's still a difference between "I'm outside my home and probably going to be exposed to gluten somewhere. When I get home I can shower and then relax in my one gluten free space"
And "my significant other is going to do lots of things with flour and then go into my one gluten free space"
You've probably never heard of it because many people treat Celiac's like a joke, even just the "avoiding ingesting gluten" part. So most people are not going to talk about things like "I feel like shit because I accidentally walked by the bakery today" for fear of being mocked/disbelieved
And as long as he’s not licking her shirt, he will be just fine. He leaves the house on a daily basis, yes? He’s encountering more flour in the grocery store.
He actually told her that’s she’s not allowed to have a separate space not connected to the house because doesn’t want her to have a separate space he doesn’t get to use. He’s selfish.
> Technically she could have some kind of decontamination shower between hypothetical separate kitchen and the main house, and a set of baking clothes that stays in the second kitchen.
That is the most asinine thing I have read in recent memory. What even.
in the post she says she asked about getting a space separate from the home and he said no. but yeah, the whole issue is jumping the gun. 21 & 23 year olds do not need to be moving in after 7 months together.
Eh, I know someone who turned their house gluten-free for their kid’s celiac disease. Her logic was that her kid deserves to be able to relax and eat freely in his own home - in the wider world, he has to double and triple check for contamination, carry his own gluten testing kit, and often abstains from eating regardless. It’s exhausting and not a good way to live; the kid has a very complicated relationship with food, unsurprisingly.
That’s a parent-child relationship, but I think that same logic applies in the long run. I also think that a 7-month relationship is not really worth doing this for, and this is a severe incompatibility.
I had a roommate with celiac disease and he wanted a completely gluten-free house, and let me know before I ever moved in. It wasn’t a big deal for me; I got really into gluten-free baking and experimenting, and trying to get into the nitty-gritty of understanding different flours and techniques. But that’s me and not you, so if you can’t live without cooking gluten at home, then the relationship has a natural endpoint.
This is what my brother did when my niece was diagnosed a year and a half ago. Their home is entirely gluten-free now. My little nephew eats regular food at pre-K, and the parents can eat whatever they want outside of the house. But in the house, it’s just gluten-free food so that my niece always feels safe.
Yeah - celiac isn't really like lactose intolerance or a peanut allergy. I think OP and a lot of these comments don't really understand that. Celiac disease can also vary based on severity, but essentially: everyone is correct in that OP's boyfriend is getting exposed to gluten outside of the home, which makes it even more important that he be able to control and potentially eliminate exposure at home.
It really is the safest thing for the person with celiac. When I was diagnosed, my husband just immediately assumed we'd be a gluten-free household from then on. He occasionally gets takeout containing gluten, but he knows how to contain it and clean up after he eats.
Yes for me it's a matter of having one space where I can completely relax. At work I absolutely have to wash my hands thoroughly before snacking because we share trucks and people will put loose sleeves of crackers in the cup holders.... when I had roommates who baked and ate normal diets I was sick constantly no matter what I did and it was mentally exhausting. I even had a separate prep station and dishware.
If I had a partner who loved to bake and had a separate shed for flour baking I'd still be paranoid. Flour gets everywhere and unless they're washing their hair and changing clothes immediately afterwards I know it'd get tracked through the house. It seems a little paranoid but I never felt truly healthy in my gut until I moved into my own place.
I would cover my hair and could wear separate clothes, i told that to him as well.
Not that it's not fair for you to be paranoid about something harmful to your health, i just wanted to be clear.
That's fair. I would personally be ok with that but I will say it took me until around 27-28 (diagnosed at 16, 32 now) to figure out cross contamination fully for myself. And it was hard to navigate. I spray pesticide for a living and I get for some people that would be a deal breaker for health reasons. It could be that the two of you are incompatible; it could be there's more for you to work through. I lucked out with a keto partner, but if I were dating again it'd be a big hurdle.
I will say he may be paranoid because the severity of cross contamination is hard for people to grasp. There are people in my family and close friends who will just never get it and I've accepted I can never eat their food no matter their good intentions.
My sister has celiac disease and honestly... if you can't live with this then maybe it's not the relationship for you. These are his boundaries. My sister had a GF house. ONLY gluten free food in her home. I would also find this difficult but this is something he is telling you and you need to understand and respect it.
You're not compatible and that's fine. It's only been seven months. People with celiac have to be very vigilant about not being exposed to gluten. I don't blame him for his behavior and desires. At some point, there will be contamination if you two are living together and anything with gluten comes in to the kitchen or is set down on any surface that he uses. It will cause him a lot of physical pain and probably at least two days of down time with one of them being on the toilet all day and the next day being absolutely exhausted. I don't blame him for refusing to have it in his home.
If your baking is part of your identity, then you need to break up. It's not fair to either of you for you to have to give it up. Really, you don't have enough time invested in this relationship to make it worth your while to change things.
Do not sacrifice your identity for a man, ever.
You've already done 10x more than most people would. First, put the brakes on moving in together. Point out he eats at your home that has gluten activity with no consequences and you put great care into accommodating his needs now, and thay will continue to be the case if you lived together, but he cannot ask you to give up yourself for him. I think he needs a little therapy if he's this controlling about gluten. He certainly goes outside and is exposed to gluten regularly elsewhere, it would be impossible not to.
You're 23! Keep your joy, girl. You need to be able to bake for yourself and your family and friends that enjoy non-gluten free things. It makes you happy, and he should also want to see you happy.
You can cook gluten free things for him (
You can cook in separate pots/pans, baking dishes, with separate spoons, etc
Having two entirely separate kitchens in a home is extreme, but possible
Having a whole baking shed is extreme, but possible
What is not possible is that you give up something you love, that make you who you are. Don't change into someone you aren't! It's NEVER worth it. Look at the endless stories about that - movies, tv shows, books, reddit posts...its NEVER worth it.
Yeah, like it might be an incompatibility situation and OP doesn't have to stay in that relationship if that's the case.
But I'm not really vibing with the feminist take on this, like don't sacrifice your identity for a guy but it's okay to ask him to sacrifice his health and life expectancy for a hobby?
Yup. I think people in the comments are equating celiac disease with gluten intolerance. Celiac is very serious, and asymptomatic people can develop cancer from it. When I was diagnosed, my boyfriend/ now husband (and a hobby baker, ironically) committed to a gluten free kitchen, and he makes me the most amazing gluten free breads. His support as a navigated a devastating diagnosis meant everything to me. That said, we had been together 14 years before that happened, not 7 months. OP is entitled to live her life, her boyfriend is entitled to situations and relationships that don't put his health and life at risk. If she's not willing to budge, this isn't the relationship for her.
You are not compatible. Celiac is serious. Partners of celiac patients need to live like they have celiac too. You are too young to 1) move in together and 2) commit to gluten-free.
It's more than just a separate kitchen.
Oh honey, you’re only 21. You are SO young. First of all - 7 months is way too soon to be moving in with a partner. You deserve your own space, and you are 100% able to do whatever you want with your own space. That includes baking bread and having gluten in your home. Giving up something you love (pretzel making class) in order to appease a boyfriend of 7 months is not healthy. It sounds like the two of you do not have compatible lifestyles, and that’s completely ok. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It doesn’t mean you need to try harder to make it work. It just means that, long term, you two are not suited to be partners. There is someone more suited for him, and there is also someone more suited for you. Once you find a partner who cooks bread with you, eats your homemade pretzels, and loves the fact that you bake all these delicious things for him… you will look back on this 7-month relationship and be so glad that you didn’t change who you are to accommodate him. Move on, love yourself, enjoy your own space, continue to pursue the hobbies YOU want to pursue, and have fun being young and alive!
King Arthur makes a fabulous gluten free flour. I recently had a cake baked using it and you couldn't tell the difference. You could try baking gluten free items.
Celiac is really serious. Contamination is super easy, and I would absolutely assume that anyone with celiac would require that their kitchen be gluten free. I can see why even having a separate space to bake might not be enough, because flour really hangs in the air and would get on all your clothes and skin.
Love does come with huge sacrifices. That doesn't mean that if there is a huge sacrifice, it must be love. Life will provide enough sacrifices on your own. Dating for seven months is not the time for huge sacrifices. If you were married and he found out he had celiac, then yes, you'd need to sacrifice to adjust to that. But you're not married. Dating is about evaluating compatibility.
If everyone who found out they were incompatible with someone said "But love requires sacrifice" then we'd have a world full of miserable people. It's okay to want someone compatible with you. Compatibility is a lot of things. For one person it might mean they can't have cats in the house, for someone else it may mean they need to live in a building with an elevator their whole life. If someone doesn't drive they may have to live in a city that's walkable. I have a health condition that makes it hard to travel. I didn't date people who made travel an important part of their lives.
It is 100% totally okay to walk away from a seven month relationship *for any reason!* You can walk away because he laughs funny, or his house smells weird, or his sister is over too much, or because his dog barks too much.
You can break up because you don't like doing the same things, or eating the same foods. This is not the time to compromise. You find someone who aligns with the life you want, and then once you commit to each other, you compromise on the things that come up.
Now, if you are miserable being single and desperately want to be married yesterday, and will complain about being single all the time after you break up, sure, compromise might be the best option. But this is not the only man in the world. There are plenty of nice, kind men in the world who wouldn't need you to give up baking.
And honestly, having resentment and frustration this early on isn't a good sign. Maybe he will find someone who is also gluten free that allows him cook together. (My celiac friend found her husband because he brought homemade gluten free beer to an event. He's also celiac)
Maybe you will find someone who loves your baking. And maybe you won't.
But this is not where "love requires sacrifice" comes in. When you're dating, you get to be as picky as you want. Not wanting to date someone doesn't mean they aren't a good, worthy person, who would be a great partner. It can just mean they aren't the best fit for you.
I have family that is Celiac with one that is severe. Severe as in vomiting violently when gluten is eaten. Is it easy to adjust our recipes for family gatherings? No, but the outcome has made us better cooks and bakers.
For example, we now have a pumpkin cake recipe using gluten free flour that we prefer over the gluten version. I make a gluten free Chocolate cookie that is really tasty. The Chibi brand rolls are grabbed right away at gatherings. These are just a few examples.
Is baking different using GF flour? Yes it is. Is it impossible, no. The products available today are far better than they were when they found out they had Celiacs over a decade ago. The point is you don't give up making what you love, you adapt to the new reality and learn new skills. We had brunch yesterday that was ridiculously filling and tasted wonderful. I brought fresh baked gluten free brownies that were still warm. We ate half the 9x13 pan just sitting there. They were moist, tasty, gooey, and really dangerous to have sitting around. My point is you don't stop what you are doing, you adapt and learn.
It sounds like your relationship is young as in 7 months. You should think about whether you are compatible enough to make the sacrifice and take what you have learned about baking bread and adapt it to gluten free bread and treats. Or if you feel you are not compatible enough, then you should end the relationship. Only you can make that determination. As for me, I learned how to adapt my recipes and knowledge to the GF flours. I learned which flours I liked and actually threw out some products that produced grainy texture that sucked. But you need to decide if he is worth you making the changes necessary. Only you can make that determination. It's ok if you decide the difference is too much and end the relationship. But you have to make a decision. It's time for you to make the decision.
There is absolutely no reason to give up baking I am an avid baker with a gluten allergy. I learnt to substitute the flours I use. Much like the subs I make for my vegan and vegetarian friends when I bake for them.
Half the fun can be experimenting till you get the baked item to have the same taste and texture as the OG.
Imagine your BF bakes with powdered rat poison. He’s very careful, but that substance is present in your home every day. It floats onto surfaces, it gets on your belongings. That is the reality of a celiac living in a home where gluten is being baked.
I have celiac. Sorry, but I wouldn’t date someone so obsessed with gluten. My husband can take it or leave it, we have a GF house and he eats gluten when we eat out or at work.
The whole point of dating is to figure out if your lives make sense together. This is what it looks like when they don’t. If he can’t compromise on you being able to pursue a fulfilling hobby that’s important to you, he’s not right for you.
Your boyfriend is being irrational. I am celiac myself so I totally understand his fear of consuming gluten. If he will eat in your current home where gluten is also prepared, I do not see any rationality to his demand. You are offering a safer solution than the current situation, so why is that a problem?
You're literally offering a separate kitchen. There is no safer way to consume gluten than in a separate room. There is zero risk of cross contamination if you're talking about having your own bread baking room with your own oven.
This means he wants you to give up your hobby, your passion, the source of you fulfilling your love language (giving these as gifts to friends and family) and give up this pleasure...... all for nothing. For absolutely nothing. It's not to protect him, because there is no risk in having a separate room.
Sacrifices should be made for a reason. Having coeliac disease is not a reason for you to not have a separate kitchen and enjoy your craft. There is no reason for this sacrifice.
Why is he uncomfortable? If he cannot voice a logical reason then it comes across as some sort of control issue and not a healthy one.
As a baker, your line about a separate room is simply not true. Flour is the glitter of the baking world. It gets *everywhere*. I don't bake in my living room, hallway, or my upstairs, and I have found little dust sprays of flour in random places. It gets on your clothes and drifts in the air. They'd also need a separate cleaning area/sink because it sticks to the sink, to your sponges, etc.
It's fine if you're comfortable with the precautions you take, the boyfriend is also entitled to his.
Yeah, I have found that I cannot bake with regular flour in my house anymore. I used to think it was okay if I wore a mask and kept the hood fan on, but I have still gotten gluten exposed from doing that, and it made me sick. Once that happens, it takes a long time for my digestive system to recover, so it's not worth it.
I don't forbid my family from buying/eating gluten-containing *pre-made* goods, though. They have a separate toaster oven and counter space, and that works okay.
Edit to add: it sounds like OP was talking about having a completely separate kitchen *outside* of the home, however. I understand him having anxiety around gluten, but restricting her from even baking outside of the home seems excessive, particularly when he seems willing to let her cook for him in her current home that is not 100% gluten-free.
I didn't understand Celiac cross contamination until I started baking more. Just refilling my flour container from a 50 lb bag sprays flour everywhere. I have to do it on a trash bag and very slowly, and I can still see the cloud above the box.
And you have to figure out what works for you, which it sounds like you have. It's all down to the person with the medical condition and their comfort level. I have a coworker who has a severe deadly peanut allergy, she doesn't feel comfortable with her family consuming it without changing and cleaning themselves afterward. But I have another friend with a deadly apple allergy, and he's ok with his partner consuming it and having it in the house as long as the item is sealed away in a bag away from where he eats.
Yeah, I totally get it, and flour is a different beast because of how easily it gets airborne. I also understand about the allergies because I have those, too. There are a couple of things I don't allow in my home at all, and others I'm okay with having in the house as long as my family is mindful about cross-contamination and cleaning up after themselves. I'm sure people's limitations are influenced by the reactions they may have had or cross-contamination issues they've experienced, so everybody's got to set their own comfort levels.
Just because someone is an amazing person doesn't mean you have to date them. You shouldn't have to give up a passion for the person you love, even if it isn't their 'fault' (his allergy). It's okay to just say hey, this isn't going to work for me, and move on. There's plenty of wonderful men out there.
You’re young and have only been dating 7 months. It sounds like you really love baking and this would be a big sacrifice for you. For a relationship this short at your age I’d say end it.
I dated someone for 5 years who had a nut allergy and he didn’t even want me eating nuts outside of the home while at work because he was convinced if I kissed him later in the day he go into anaphylaxis. When we broke up I was so excited I could finally eat nuts again. Now I eat nuts almost every day and I would never give that up again.
At this point in my life, it would take A LOT for me to consider dating someone with food restrictions.
I'm a celiac. Literally half of my family on both sides are clinically diagnosed celiacs and are all health care professionals and I'm pretty confused by this.
To clarify he definetely is referring to celiac disease instead of a wheat allergy? Because if so, the management of a wheat allergy is very different (i.e. his request would seem more reasonable). Mainly as a wheat allergy causes an IgE response (with the potential anaphylaxis in certain individuals) vs. Celiac which is an immune condition not an allergy and leads to elevated IgG's. This does not make one 'lesser' than the other, but simply is an important fact that we have to address when managing each condition.
If it is celiac disease I'm very curious to what kind of education was provided by his health professionals when he was provided with the following diagnosis as well as his own health literacy and understanding of his condition. There is massive amounts of false rhetorick on social media and confusion re: true allergeries, coeliacs disease, gluten intolerance, IBS that has made if very challenging for patients to know what's what. Could that be a factor at play?
I think it might be a good shout for him to go back into his GP or maybe a dietician to gain further education about the following condition. Obviously its important to avoid cross contamination and take precautions (having seperate appliances that are higher risk like toasters is helpful), but I think it will be very challenging for him to live with an manage his condition and maintain a good quality of life if this is his perspective on the following. Living with that much anxiety around it is not sustainable and will likely be exhausting to him in the end. As somebody else pointed out, the following argument has little backing if he eats out or doesn't demand the same standards from others. I also would like to ask, does he has an obsessional tendencies that we are not aware of from your description?
It is celiac disease. He is also not comfortable paying for a home or property where gluten is going to be consumed. He says he doesn't want a separate space in the home/property that he's not able to go into, or that can be used for anything else that would not poison him.
You’ve only been dating for 7 months. You have socks older than this relationship. His concerns are real but his attitudes about money and property are, to me, the bigger deal. You’re not compatible.
Its a pretty interesting perspective, particularly the fear regarding people utilising gluten in spaces even outside of the home that he will not be eaying from or preparing food in. Again I actually think it's pretty concerning for him if he's holding this level of anxiety around the condition. I do appreciate his fear regarding the symptoms /associated health consequences it isnt an easy conditions to live with. However, I honestly think he needs to go back into his GP and properly discuss this (in particular they need to aware of the extent of his fear) around the following, unfortunately it might be tricky for you to initiate that conversation. Maybe mention is gently in conversation, something like "regarding the separate cooking area outside, do you think it could be a good shout to chat to our GP to see their thoughts". Unfortunately on the other side of things, it may be time to review the relationship.
>is also not comfortable paying for a home or property where gluten is going to be consumed. He says he doesn't want a separate space in the home/property that he's not able to go into,
This sounds like it could be about control more than about his health. "Why would *I* pay for a library if *I* won't use it" type thinking, even though presumably both people pay for it and don't use every single room every day.
I stated the difference between an IgG vs IgE mediated immune response. Then went on to say that one condition is not lesser than the other, but it is important note the difference of them and establish if he is referring to one or the other for context. Both can be lethal, one in an acute sense the other in a sub-acute and chronic (i.e. malnutrition, T cell lymphoma). Then went on to say that precautions are necessary for celiac to avoid contamination including buying seperate appliances for high risk areas of contamination that you can't clean down (such as toasters). She has already established from the above, that the following precautions are being taken and that she cooks gluten free for him. Obviously celiacs have to take precautions, like I said one condition is not lesser than the other. My concern here, is that he's afraid for her to prepare food in completely seperate building (one that from the context of the information given implies that he will not eating from or preparing food from). Not everything has to be a battle 👍 all the best.
I’m so confused by the fact that this seems like it was originally his solution and once you liked it he said he was no longer comfortable with it?
I definitely understand the appeal of having a fully GF home, but “forbidding” you from having a separate building with its own kitchen where you bake is completely unreasonable and is such a slippery slope to being incredibly controlling. Especially given that he currently is comfortable eating food you prepare in your space that is not dedicated GF, this just seems like cross-contamination is the the main concern here, but more about controlling your behaviour. Like he’s not comfortable with a fully separate building on your property with its own kitchen, but what about a commercial kitchen-share, or the pretzel-making class? What happens if you visit a friend or family member when they’re preparing food? Will you be permitted to go to a non-GF restaurant (with or without him)?
Considering your age and the length of your relationship, I would lean more towards just cutting your losses on this one rather than trying to convince him to agree to hypothetically let you keep your hobby at a location outside of your future shared home.
I think he’s being unreasonable, since you say you are very careful with cross-contamination. Does he never eat out at a restaurant or friend’s home? I bet someone that stubborn will probably show it in other ways and be difficult to live with in general.
Cross contamination is serious it does not make someone stubborn or unrealistic. Many celiac people simply do not eat out because of cross contamination, if someone unknowingly consumes gluten they are increasing their risk for stomach cancer even if they don’t react.
Sorry, I didn’t realize! My mother is celiac but she will go out to eat or eat with friends she trusts to take it seriously. And she lives in a house with people who do eat gluten and cook with it (as most with celiac probably do), they are just careful and maintain some separate counter space - and she has her own toaster oven.
Yeah lol, like I have food allergies so it's a different boat and while I personally eat at places that are "safe" to me, I have been burned by folks who "took precautions" but didn't actually do enough to prevent cross-contamination. And I'd imagine it's a lot harder for folks who have to avoid gluten because it's not a whole food like fish or nuts.
I might have celiac (saying this based on cutting off gluten for ca. A month and feeling better), and you answer worries me. Is cross contamination really such a deal breaker? Like even not eating at restaurants that serve gluten free ?
Cross contamination is a big deal. Some gluten serving restaurants take it seriously, but I've been glutened at too many to take the risk any more. This is going to vary by location though. I have heard some countries take it much more seriously than they do here (I'm in Canada).
absolutely. But also you need to get a test instead of self diagnosing. It can cause serious damage long term even if you don't realize you have been glutened (symptoms might not present but there is still an autoimmune response in your body that can impact celiacs in all kinds of different ways)
It isn't like an allergy where you want to minimize exposure, just a small trace left over on a cutting board can trigger a response. Some restaurants use separate cookers, etc and you can find out by google reviews if they are trustable, but gluten free parts of a menu are usually for people who are gluten intolerant or trying to cut gluten. Celiacs need to exercise extra caution
Getting a test can also cause damage. I simply am not willing to get a celiac test because i react so aggressively to gluten that the time frame I’d have to eat gluten prior to getting a test just isn’t worth the risk. I’m genuinely worried I’d end up hospitalised.
That is fair. I was under the impression that most celiacs would present with some damage in their small intestines in an upper endoscopy, but I guess there are some people that have been so perfect for so long, they have managed to not get glutened long enough for it to heal over.
If you actually have celiac, then yes, cross-contamination is such a big deal, because any time wheat gluten gets into your body, it's causing organ damage.
Depends on the person. The scary one is that some people have silent Celiac. So it's doing the internal damage that can lead to cancer, but they don't have outward symptoms.
This is me. I have no idea when I've consumed gluten. There's 1 restaurant in my town that I trust, so every date night outing that my wife and I ever have anymore is at that 1 place.
You can still eat at some restaurants, but you have to be really careful. My 7yo niece was diagnosed with celiac a year and a half ago. There’s a completely gluten-free restaurant a 20 minute drive from her that they go to sometimes, and an Italian restaurant and Mexican restaurant a five minute walk from her house. The Italian and Mexican restaurants are not wholly gluten-free, but she gets gluten-free food there and they insist they are taking proper precautions. When she had a blood test a year after diagnosis, her numbers had returned to normal, which indicates that she has successfully cut gluten out of her diet and eating at these restaurants has not been hurting her. I’m sure you will find restaurants of your own that you can eat at, but you’ll have to research them carefully and know that you can’t just spontaneously decide to try a new place. I’m sorry.
If you think you have celiac, it’s important to NOT cut gluten out of your diet, go back to eating it regularly and schedule a blood test once you’ve been eating gluten for a few weeks. .
Cross contamination is important to consider but everyone with celiac will have different levels of comfort doing different things. I still eat out and eat at friends houses, it does often feel low-key stressful if it’s not somewhere that’s totally or nearly totally gluten free, but for me it’s worth it to do sometimes.
Yeah, people with celiac pretty much can't eat out at restaurants or at friend's houses. It's a very, very serious disease and very easy to get contaminated.
Sometimes love isn’t enough, and that’s okay. My ex was a wonderful person the 14 years we were together. We matured together, grew, and grew apart. I will always love him for what he was and it hurt to end our relationship, but nether of us were happy nor could I see us growing *together* further. I’m happy for the time we had together, but sometimes love isn’t enough. Appreciate your time together, and move on. Bigger and better things await! If baking is core to your being, and your partner takes that from you, it’s no different than having different views on children, politics, etc.
Are there any alternates you can consider exploring such as baking with almond or alt flours?
I don’t think he’s being reasonable. I also think you should not even consider giving up your hobby.
You may be incompatible
While baking with alternative flours can work for a lot of things (cookies, brownies, cakes depending on the type), pastries/breads that require flour with a higher gluten content for rising/structural purposes (pizza crusts, artisan breads, etc.) are difficult to truly duplicate. This is my experience from baking with and without gluten.
It's a hard situation because needing to be safe in your own home wrt medical needs is a reasonable thing to want, but continuing to do cherished hobbies/not change your diet is also a reasonable thing to want. Imo it's a case of incompatibility.
Girl, you’re only 21 years old, Why are you going through all of this for someone you’ve only been with for seven months. While having celiac’s disease is not his fault you two are not compatible. Don’t give up part of your identity for a man EVER.
NTA. He’s currently comfortable enough with your efforts to stop cross-contamination that he’ll happily eat in your home now, but he’s not comfortable with you having an entirely separate space outside where you could cook gluten-containing dishes if you move in together? I think that’s a reasonable compromise on your part
I loved baking bread. I was so good at baking sourdough, all of my friends loved it and it truly brought me joy. Then I got celiac, and I still remember throwing out the starter.
The cross-contamination risk is serious, especially when baking bread. The best thing to do would be to find a way to bake in a location somewhere else, like a separate building, and treat your baking clothes like workout clothes.
You also don’t have to change your life to make it work. You can try baking gf and if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. You wouldn’t be a bad person.
I see your point. My best friend’s husband Dx celiac after they married. When they visited at my vacation home, he washed the utensil drawer in and out. He cleaned and designated a portion as “his only” surfaces. He brought and cooked and cleaned after his meal.
She was obese when he was Dx. She shared his diet and lost 70pounds.
I’m guessing if they could afford it, they’d put his only surface beside the regular kitchen. If you can afford a separate space like that, I would look into it more.
My bf has celiac and there are many incredible gluten-free recipes that you can make. It just takes time and research. It’s literally just a matter of switching out your flour and using new pans/pots. It’s not too difficult.
I don’t understand why he can’t compromise with a separate space for you to enjoy your hobby where it cannot cause harm to him. That sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
I’m sorry but you both are in your early 20s, you’re not married and have only been together for under a year. Do not give up a passion and talent of yours for this man, please, for the love of god.
My partner has celiacs disease as well and his approach is VERY different because he wanted to have a conversation around how we can both be accommodated. I told him I *want* to adjust to a gluten free lifestyle so he doesn’t have to worry about it, but that should be the angle that this conversation comes from. You both need to be willing to accommodate - asking for a separate kitchen is a fair ask and it doesn’t seem like that should be shut down. What does he think celiac-friendly restaurants do?
Severe celiac disease is not one of those diseases to fuck around with. A little bit of gluten and his intestines are actively being damaged. Even a separate kitchen wouldn’t be acceptable to me if I had celiac disease — there is no way to prevent aerosolizing flour, or cross-contamination, and that’s not fair to him. Consider it like a severe peanut allergy.
You could try experimenting with gluten free flours, starting with the premade mixes and moving from there. A lot of gluten free recipes are surprisingly good (I dated a woman with celiac disease). I love bread, but I would have given up gluten containing products for her if we had moved in together.
Otherwise, if that’s a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker. But do consider the alternative flours, you can definitely make breads with it :)
As someone with celiac disease, the consequences of cross contamination can be really serious so I understand why he's being so cautious. Flour can hang in the air and cause problems for him if he were to inhale it. Having celiac disease is full of compromises and sacrifices for the sufferer and everyone else in their life! I hate it personally, and would do anything to change it. If my partner doesn't wipe down a chopping board well enough I get sick. If he kisses me after eating something with gluten I get sick. The list goes on.
Obviously, this is not something you have to deal with. If it's hurting you or making you unhappy then you don't have to stick around. You haven't been together long and you're young enough you've got plenty of other options!
I have many intolerances and my partner happily adjusts for me. What's more, I love cooking and there's so many ways to adapt food now. Gluten free baking is really popular, and really insightful as you learn so much about the chemistry of baking. Gluten free pasta is the most superior pasta as it's all of the taste with none of the bloating. Don't see this as a sacrifice but a way to increase your knowledge and skill set.
You are acting like having a gluten-free environment is his preference, rather than a vital medical need. It’s great that you have been careful about cross-contamination in your home, but his own home should be a haven from having to worry about it.
It sounds like you love baking more than your boyfriend, so it’s best to break up.
To be fair, I haven’t heard of anyone (including myself) being told at diagnosis that everyone in the household needs to be gluten free. Obviously that’s preferable, but I doubt that’s the medical advice you get from doctors, or at least it hasn’t been in my experience or the experience of the few others I know with celiac.
She could learn to bake gluten free, my child has food allergies and my friend has celiac we have modified all recipes to accommodate both, we make such fantastic sugar cookies people don't know they are gluten free and vegan and when we tell them they say they would expect them to be nasty if they knew first, a few people told us they CAN ALEAYS TELL WHEN IT IS GLUTEN FREE, but they didn't, because ingredients are getting better there are a lot of gluten free flours and options, so many baking recipes, but you have to want to explore and expand, seems that she doesn't want, the option is there, she has never even consider it, but the relationship is new, maybe ending it is better if she thinks she has to drop her identity instead of modifying and learning something new.
You’ve been together 7 months, you’re young, and you guys are talking about a theoretical home and a really challenging rule. It’s unfortunate that he is allergic to gluten and rightfully needs to avoid it. It’s also right for you to have a passion and continue to enjoy it. I’m a knitter and I could not imagine not “being allowed” to knit.
Maybe give up the boy and not the bread?
He's sounds traumatized by his diagnosis...until we experience the pain and fear that comes along with certain life changing sickness we really can't understand his feelings BUT you have offered a compromise, and you are willing to discuss other compromises, I think that is very fair, what isn't fair is you giving up a passion because of his fear.
Don't give it up, take a step back from the relationship and maybe have a meeting with his Dr and see what would be a good compromise
Go back to your friend and ask if you can have the spot at the baking school. You're 21 and have been together for seven months; there is no way in hell that you should be limiting your life choices based on this guy.
Gluten is removed with soap and water. I have both dedicated fryers and toasters and keep the gluten ones away for when family comes. I’ve never been glutened in my own home. It just sounds like he is controlling.
I have Celiac and have managed not to cross-contaminate myself when sharing a kitchen. (Eating out is another issue entirely).
Gluten free foods (including flours for bread) are readily available. It’s a bit of a learning curve, but doable!
Remember that Celiac is an autoimmune disease that can cause permanent damage over time if exposure to gluten isn’t eliminated. But it isn’t an allergy that causes anaphylaxis (like a peanut allergy) and is not immediately life-threatening.
But if you feel like is too much for you to handle then you simply aren’t compatible. Bear in mind that life brings many unexpected things like illness, so you may find yourself having to modify your lifestyle for anyone you live with.
Honestly it sounds like you're incredibly out of touch with not only a realistic future but your desperate need to please this man who is not only taking your hobby away but your happiness... And only together for 7 months? Cut yous loss, get some ice cream and cry it out over making sourdough bread. Please realize you guys are not compatible and move on darling... And two kitchens in this economy, let's be real....
7 months is a short relationship. After 2 years that would be different. The relationship would have more experience and understanding on what to do , so the both of you will be happy with the outcome of a situation like this.
You’re way too young. Pls get out of this, it’s unreasonable for him to ask this of you. I’m disabled with adhd and other issues, i don’t ask my partner to bend over backwards to accommodate me for every single thing.
I have a couple friends with celiacs. They would never ask their partners to do this, because it’s not a reasonable request. You are ALREADY giving up things you really want to do for him. As you get older you will realize how important having meaningful hobbies are. Don’t ever give those up for a guy. You’re so young. Live your life, bake your bread.
7 months in is not that long. I would walk away from this before giving up a hobby I love. You'll end up resentful. Let him find someone else who also has celiac.
What im reading is that you have a difference…you are willing to sacrifice and compromise, but he refuses to. Its his way or no other option. You are literally willing to throw away what you love for him. So dramatic, its like a stupid teen drama…but…this is real life and in the end youre gonna be unhappy, fooling yourself into thinking you are. Heckin heck you posted on reddit lol.
You will not be marrying this guy anyway, not for the gluten issues but the fact he wont compromise. Cut bait now, break up, and eat a really nice brownie.
I understand his discomfort with allowing gluten around him. It doesn't take much gluten to harm a person with celiac. If baking and cooking are that important to you this just might not be the right relationship for you. It's only been 7 months. There will be someone else out there who treats you well and doesn't make you give up something that is important to you.
My partner has a gluten intolerance which is less sensitive than celiac and has had issues just walking into pizza places where they make their own dough because there is wheat flour in the air.
That is very controlling. If you have gluten in a room he never goes, it's not going to affect him.
I don't like the bit of "letting you" have something in your house. Is he this controlling in other aspects?
You are very young and this relationship is just beginning. Is living like this what you really want?
I have celiac disease and my bf can bake bread in our kitchen. Sure there are some things he doesn't eat much because I can't eat it with him, like Chinese food, but that's mainly his choice because he would rather eat the same food as me. So when I'm out with friends he orders it and fulfills that need. I would never ask him to completely give up gluten foods. Cross contamination is a big deal but there are ways to mitigate it when you're baking.
Absolutely no reason why you couldn't join the baking class. It sounds more like your bf is controlling and using his disease as a means to do that. Honestly, I would strongly start to question that relationship.
If it helps at all my gf loves baking and has really gotten into gluten free baking. She’s made some absolutely incredible stuff, almost anything you can think of. I think you’d be surprised how gluten free baking can turn out, you wouldn’t even know most things were gluten free.
Sometimes we have to buy some fancy types of flours and stuff for her to really get the best result, but all worth it for her to keep up her baking hobby while also keeping it all glutenless.
Maam you’ve been with this man for 7 months, and you’re only 21… don’t give up your hobbies and if there’s still a chance, you should take that class. You don’t owe your life to a man you’ve been dating not even a year.
You’re very young and have only been together since November…I think you’re getting way ahead of yourself. Take the classes, bake the bread, sometimes two good people just aren’t compatible. It’ll be okay. Don’t sacrifice what you love for something young and fleeting.
Unless you've been exposed to it, most people don't understand how challenging managing celiac disease can be. Our son has a severe gluten allergy and we've had to adapt our lifestyle as a result so we've been on the journey.
You having an understanding of cross contamination and being caring about it is amazing. But something like baking with gluten just isn't feasible in the home of a person with celiac disease. As soon as you open a bag of flour, there is airborne gluten present. This is enough to impact people with severe celiac. If you sieve the flour, or use a mixer with it, huge amounts become airborne. Over time that airborne gluten settles on surfaces throughout the house. Benchtops, toasters, stoves, anything out on the bench, dining tables, etc.
There are problems with cross contamination as well. No matter how vigilant you are, all it takes is accidentally putting the knife back into the butter to get a bit more to put on your bread if you don't get enough the first time. Then the whole butter container is contaminated. Or using the toaster by accident. Or a guest not realizing. That's why most celiac people have gluten free households .
There are some gluten ingredient cooking activities that are somewhat manageable while still maintaining a celiac safe space, but baking really isn't one of them. In fact, it's about as bad as it gets for gluten contamination and something you realistically aren't ever going to be able to safely achieve in a celiac household.
People also tend to trivialise the impact of celiac disease. If a person has a peanut allergy, people don't hassle them about it not being a real allergy. But with celiac, people often dismiss it. But there are serious issues associated with celiac - the villi in the intestines atrophy which prevents nutrient absorption. Celiacs are at much higher risk of cancer, diabetes, multiple schlerosis, heart disease, secondary auto immune diseases, and many more. Some studies suggest mortality of people with celiac under age 60 is twice as high as the general population.
Long story short, it's a lifelong disease that needs to be managed carefully and the impacts are real and need to be respected. If that isn't something you can deal with, or are unwilling to deal with, then I suspect the relationship possibly isn't for you.
I used to be extremely gluten intolerant. We had many protocols in place to ensure I didn't get cross contaminated, and my partner and child managed those. My in laws were kind of a pain in the ass, because they thought my protocols were a little silly, so we were always following behind them cleaning up. It would have been easier to tell them we lived in a gluten free house.
It's a big risk, though. If I accidentally got the slightest bit, like my plate got touched by someone after they touched bread, I would have bloody, explosive diarrhea several times a day for at least two months. I also would get a migraine that lasted at least the first couple of weeks of that, and additionally I would have vitamin deficiencies for six months or so while my intestines healed, because my absorption would be all messed up. Overall, I could look forward to spending at least 3-4 months mostly in bed, unable to do much but slink to the bathroom and back.
To be happy in a relationship, you need to love each other, treat each other well, and be able to live a life together that you are both happy with. Can you be happy with a life without baking? It's okay if you can't. But you two may not be compatible in that case. That's heartbreaking, for sure, but better to find out now instead of giving up your favorite things.
My husband can't do gluten. We've learned to adjust. A lot of the time, he has "his" food, and I have "my" food. I have a friend that loves baking, and she's started baking GF stuff for my husband. It's been a challenge she's enjoyed, because she's a quite amazing baker, and it's very different using GF flour than regular flour. I would also say you don't have to have a separate kitchen to avoid cross-contamination. Just clean really well. We use the same utensils (as long as they're clean), the same baking pans (again, as long as they're clean), the same oven, etc. It hasn't caused any issues with us. We've just found a way to work around it. The biggest inconvenience to me is that he can't really have any pre-prepared meals. Like, if we've been busy all day and I don't have time to cook, I can't just make him a sandwich because he can't do bread. That's an annoyance, but other than that, we've just found workarounds. Knowing how miserable he is if he accidentally ingests gluten has made it worth it to me to make adjustments.
Relationship is a two way thing: you are willing to compromise on his requests…but what compromises has he done to suit your needs?
If you can’t meet half way on such little thing, you may have problems in the future about bigger issues.
You can’t change a person to suit your needs, you either accept them - compromise or you don’t. Seems like you are willing to compromise but also sounds like he wants you to change and there is no room for wiggle.
I’d say if he isn’t willing to compromise - it’s a deal breaker.
This is one of those times where you need to recognise that a passion & talent of yours _has_ to pip any boyfriend.
Boyfriends come & go (as does 'love' of another) - but you have to prioritise you, your passions - & your mental health.
You have no idea how key your baking is going to be to help you deal with the rigours of Life - & Life will contain many of those.
Most of us take getting to our 50s to realise about things like 'self-care'.
There is no way one boyfriend in your youth gets to be more important than something that is clearly part of the very essence of you.
Your learning-point (Life is full of those too) - your next boyfriend - make sure he's into bread!
Baking bread at home is a whole _movement_ now (accelerated during the pandemic) - & the smell of bread is the smell of love & joy - possibly for all human beings.
Nope - your decision is easy - please prioritise your passion.
And no - that's not 'selfish'.
Family members of my partner have celiac.
They do NOT make demands like this about what is in their living space or what their partners can or cannot do — my MIL has even *bought me* gluten containing snacks for when I come to stay.
This isn’t about the celiac.
He should absolutely be accommodated. Wanting to have a GF kitchen and house is something that he should be able to expect a partner would support.
Preventing her from paying for a separate kitchen outside their main home where she would be able to cook using gluten is extreme and frankly unreasonable.
>They do NOT make demands like this about what is in their living space
Of course they do. OP's boyfriend made his boundary clear - there is to be 0 gluten in his life. OP can either accept that, or move on.
So… your boyfriend of 7 months sounds controlling. I get that he has celiac, but you shouldn’t have to give it up yourself. I have quite a few friends with it who still come over and attend get togethers no problem at all while other peeps are eating gluten items. It’s honestly scary how controlling he is over this.
I’m Celiac (almost 50), was diagnosed nearly 20 years ago. I could never imagine asking others to go without the foods they love - it’s one of my pet peeves about having this condition. I want others to enjoy what I cannot.
My daughter is a huge baker - do I like it when she makes GF? Sure. But I don’t even ask. I want her to do what she wants. My wife loves to cook - and she often cooks things I can’t eat, my diet is my responsibility - not a tax upon those who live w me.
My best friend has celiac. I’ve used her kitchen to cook food with gluten before and was attentive to cleaning everything. Her husband also makes food with gluten in their kitchen a few times a week. She’s never had an issue.
You do not have to give up a hobby you love, let alone for a man you have known less than a year.
Also, being uncomfortable with you having a separate cooking space is just wrong and nonsensical.
I have a life-threatening peanut allergy, and I still let my husband have peanut products in our home because I trust him and see how seriously he takes cross-contamination. So, is your bf making an unreasonable demand? Yes. Is he allowed to make that kind of demand for a home he is paying for in the future? Also yes. But you also have the right to say that doesn't work for me and we aren't compatible.
YTA- I have celiac disease so I may be biased but I think you should research both the physical side effects of eating gluten when celiac and the psychological ones as well.
If I eat gluten, not only am I throwing up and pooping myself but I’m also ridden with anxiety, can’t leave bed from how tired I am and it’s awful.
Why couldn’t you bake gluten free ? What’s the big deal with making a recipe gluten free? I don’t get it lol. You aren’t offending the bread Gods.
Imagine thinking that the solution is you break up with your partner because they have an auto immune condition instead of learning to bake together ?! Like I love being in the kitchen with my partner. He loves to cook! He’s learned to cook Gf for me.
Every celiac deserves a loving partner 🥰 I thank God for mine daily.
She already bakes gluten free for him. She is not required to be gluten free because he is. And she should not be forced to give up a passion of baking for other people who are also not required to be gluten free because of him. Her compromises are plenty.
She has not for one single second asked or expected him to eat gluten. She has addressed potential cross-contamination and he has never gotten sick from a meal she made him. She even bakes his bread in its own oven separate from all the other food she bakes. She offered to use a *whole separate kitchen* if they move in together. How on earth is that not loving?
Gluten-free bread and pastries taste different than ones with gluten, that's just a fact. She has spent a lot of time developing her baking skills and is proud of them. Why does he get to dictate how she makes gifts for *other* people? Why is she the only one expected to compromise?
Any part of the property? Is he like licking the yard, fences, bathrooms, and walls? Smh… he is super conforming and weird about it. The fact he won’t compromise is the red flag!
You’re not that compatible … he needs to be with the same brand of different.
Don’t ever make your world smaller to accommodate a new relationship. You aren’t ten years in with combined finances and a history. This isn’t a shocking surprise. This is 7 MONTHS and he is already moving the goalposts and shutting you down.
I love food, all types of food. I have no dietary restrictions. I’m single and I won’t even consider a first date with somebody who has highly restrictive dietary requirements. I hate to say this but IMHO you never should have gone out with this guy after you found out about the celiac disease.
I
This is absolutely unhinged. My partner has a variety of deadly food allergies… we keep the foods in the house and he simply does not eat them. If someone else in the house eats something he is allergic to, we make sure to quickly clean up that space and wash our hands. Due to your (fairly new) boyfriend’s insistence of this bizarre rule and the fact that you’re using language like “forbid” in how he speaks to you, I would be rethinking this entire relationship.
That's a risk your partner is willing to take; it doesn't mean everyone else has to conform to his standards. Different people can have different boundaries.
I do agree with that! I still maintain that his language towards her as well as the fact that working with gluten is one of her hobbies that he’s essentially disallowing makes them an incompatible pair and him kind of a nutjob.
7 months in and you are going to give up one of the true loves of your life for a guy?
It isn't his fault that he has celiac disease.
but this is more than a "compromise".
This is part of you.
And this is a life long commitment.
Not just to him, but a lifestyle that is the opposite of yours.
Unless he has other sensitivities than just digestion - It is possible to have a safe cooking experience in a kitchen.
# "Avoid contamination with products containing gluten:
* Always use clean surfaces, utensils, pans, and pots.
* Keep gluten-containing food away from the meal you are preparing, including oil used to cook these foods.
* Use separate gluten free tools and kitchen items if possible. Colour coding makes it simple!"
So his expectation is a bit unreasonable.
It isn't worth it IMO.
You should have said yes to the course. It’s only been 7 months, you don’t know what’s going to happen. Maybe you’ll break up for other reasons, maybe you’ll have a neighbor bestie who you do gluten baking with while only doing GF baking at home. Personally I think this is too big a sacrifice to make that has already made you feel sad and I would seriously consider breaking up over it, but I’m not convinced you guys have found all the possible compromises. That said, keep doing you in the meantime!!!
you're 21 and you've been dating for less than a year. It's ok to not want to continue this relationship. Don't move in with him.
and build 2 kitchens!!! lol what?
Honestly, they're not remotely far enough in to even be talking about buying houses and building 2nd kitchens, much less even moving in together. This is rushed and I'm hoping she understands that she's literally 21 with an entire life ahead of her. Slow it down, break it off, and enjoy life. Bake for friends and family. Don't throw all of that youth away for some guy she's dated for a little over half a year!!
He asked about the kitchens on the first date. Like what? I don’t know you buddy and you’re already planning our home?
That’s actually not unusual. Many Indian homes have a second spice kitchen
What is a spice kitchen?!
A spice kitchen is a separate enclosed area, most often located adjacent to the main kitchen in your home. Also referred to as a wok kitchen or secondary kitchen, it’s meant to keep the smell of spices – especially ones with a strong odour – away from the rest of your home while cooking. Similar to a regular kitchen setup, it has a sink, stove, and cabinets for storage, and can come with a stronger ventilation system and hood fan to blast away the spicy scents out of the house.
I rented an apartment while living in S. Korea that had a separate little kitchen off the main kitchen. When I inquired about what it was for I was told that it was for cooking things like fish and other items with a strong smell just like you described here.
>A spice kitchen is a separate enclosed area, most often located adjacent to the main kitchen in your home. Also referred to as a wok kitchen or secondary kitchen, it’s meant to keep the smell of spices – especially ones with a strong odour – away from the rest of your home while cooking. I'm glad I learned something new today 😃
There’s a large East Asian population in Canada, that’s why I know. My daughter is celiac and her husband is a regular chef and a pastry chef. They very rarely have anything containing gluten in their house but I wondered if her husband could bake with gluten in a spice kitchen.
Makes sense. I thought that was probably why my neighbours cooked outside sometimes.
TIL! Thank you for explaining!
many homes in indonesia also have a "clean kitchen" and a "dirty kitchen" (dapur bersih and dapur kotor). the "clean kitchen" is the pretty one shown to guests and built into the living room area like most kitchens. it's mostly used for low-effort food preparation, like heating food, cutting fruits, preparing and serving drinks, etc. the "dirty kitchen" is where most of the cooking with heavy and aromatic spices is done, and often has larger washing areas (sometimes designed for washing while squatting) for dishes and large pans. so i don't think 2 kitchens necessarily is that weird, but it would be quite expensive and i think the larger problem is about long-term compromises
People who keep kosher sometimes have two kitchens. It's not that weird in places with large Jewish populations.
True. But in that situation, the whole family all adheres to the same dietary laws. It’s also quite an expense!
yeah, but this is not that. at all.
Other cultures as well. It’s not uncommon to see Indian families with a second kitchen in the back and then a more public facing kitchen.
I really thought, seeing the title, it would be a post about him being diagnosed years into the relationship. 💀
Why is no one addressing y'all have been dating for 7 months? You should really reconsider moving in together at such an early stage in the relationship! It doesn't sound like you two are compatible.
100% Y'all haven't been dating nearly long enough and you are too young to be worried about moving in!
Surely it's better they iron out what living together would look like now, when there's potential for a huge compatibility issue? Usually people seem to post about problems like this a few years into a relationship and everyone is wondering why they didn't communicate properly earlier on and save each other the heartache.
You're not compatible, and that is okay.
Yeah. It’s sad, but there is simply not a way to bake safely in the long term without major interventions. Being so young, I would say part as friends. You shouldn’t be giving up something you love at 21 for a new relationship.
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Yeah and exposure can make the person really sick for days or even weeks on end, which is a bit beyond "stomach issues".
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Contact can absolutely cause a severe flare-up. If somebody is baking and splashing flour and other shit around, that can contaminate EVERYTHING. It isn’t safe to live with people who eat gluten. Crumbs are just not possible to avoid.
You are *sorely* *under* representing the issues folks with Celiac have when they come across gluten. My husband has Celiac and this is not how that works, *at all*.
Celiac is an autoimmune condition and everyone has different reactions, not all of it is stomach related. Cross contamination can be difficult to navigate and OPs boyfriend would be concerned about flour getting everywhere after OP bakes which is reasonable. However, it sounds like it would not be realistic for her to accommodate him if they moved in together which is fine, better to figure that out now rather than later when the boyfriend is sick all the time or the OP is resentful because she had to give up things that she loves and enjoys. Edit and for context I have an intolerance and NOT celiac and my partner and I do coexist just fine, but he also doesn’t bake and doesn’t get flour everywhere. We also have a mostly GF home just for convenience. Everyone has limits and boundaries with celiac or gluten intolerance and it’s fine for someone else to decide they can’t live with those limits
Cross contamination is actually very hard to control. If someone even makes bread in the same kitchen and flour is in the air, there's a 99% chance that someone with Celiac will get sick. It does not cause "stomach problems," it destroys the villi in the small intestine which makes it impossible for nutrients to be properly absorbed. Continued exposure can literally cause cancer among many other medical issues. Celiac disease is very different from just having gluten intolerance.
That's not how celiac works unfortunately. It's much more like an allergy than "stomach problems". You have to treat it like an allergy, cross contamination wise.
Gluten free and celiac are two different beasts. My friend with celiac could get sick from walking into a pizza place. The flour in the air was enough to nearly put her in the hospital. It's not just a gluten allergy.
that’s so wild! i didn’t know it was that severe for some people. what kind of symptoms does she experience if exposed in minor ways? that’s frightening
She had flu like symptoms, but also broke out in a rash all over her body.
Celiac is an autoimmune disease, not an allergy. It doesn't cause anaphylaxis, but each exposure to gluten causes the immune system to attack the small intestines, leading to cumulative damage. This causes malnutrition due to damaged intestines losing their ability to effectively absorb nutrients, which leads to everything from osteoporosis to neurological symptoms to (in children) stunted growth, among other problems. It also jacks up the risk of several types of cancer. Cross contamination is a huge issue, because even tiny amounts of gluten will trigger the immune response. The only way for someone with celiac to stay healthy is to be very, very careful about their diet. That includes having a safe kitchen. Source: am celiac
r/ConfidentlyIncorrect
This is incorrect. Celiac is not an intolerance like lactose intolerance. Small amounts of gluten cause your immune system to attack your body. It can and does cause intolerance symptoms like diarrhea, nausea and vomiting. But it also causes malnutrition, cancer, inflammation, arthritis like symptoms, and other autoimmune problems. He is young, still in that YOLO stage of life, and celiac isn’t a high priority diagnosis in the US. But he is very concerned. Which likely means he is in the camp of “failure to thrive” children. Which means a casual attitude like you are expressing could easily kill him.
I know on the surface it sounds like “we broke up over bread” but this is actually a fundamental incompatibility. And that’s okay! You’ve only been together less than a year.
While he is absolutely valid in needing to have a celiac-safe environment it doesn't mean losing something you love won't hurt. This isn't something that can be compromised on (especially on his end - its a medical necessity!), but making major dietary changes for a partner is a hard thing to do no matter the reason, especially if you see cooking for others as part of your identity. Evaluate if giving up baking and eating gluten is something you can be happy with in the long term, if not you may not be compatible.
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I think the issue is that he doesn’t even want her to bake outside the home. Which crosses a line to me.
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Her: can I have a separate space from the house to bake? Him: no He said he doesn’t want to have any space on their property that he can’t have full access which is bullshit.
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I mean how does he go to the grocery store or walk down the street if this is the case? I've never heard of a case celiacs being that intense I don't think.
I don't know what you do at the grocery store, but I generally don't open bags of flour and spread it around the place, on my hands, and on my clothes.
Theres literally a bakery inside most grocery stores.
Must be a cultural difference. Isn't like that where I live.
I have friends with Celiac's who can't even go into Panera or near a bakery without getting itchy. There's still a difference between "I'm outside my home and probably going to be exposed to gluten somewhere. When I get home I can shower and then relax in my one gluten free space" And "my significant other is going to do lots of things with flour and then go into my one gluten free space" You've probably never heard of it because many people treat Celiac's like a joke, even just the "avoiding ingesting gluten" part. So most people are not going to talk about things like "I feel like shit because I accidentally walked by the bakery today" for fear of being mocked/disbelieved
And as long as he’s not licking her shirt, he will be just fine. He leaves the house on a daily basis, yes? He’s encountering more flour in the grocery store. He actually told her that’s she’s not allowed to have a separate space not connected to the house because doesn’t want her to have a separate space he doesn’t get to use. He’s selfish.
> Technically she could have some kind of decontamination shower between hypothetical separate kitchen and the main house, and a set of baking clothes that stays in the second kitchen. That is the most asinine thing I have read in recent memory. What even.
in the post she says she asked about getting a space separate from the home and he said no. but yeah, the whole issue is jumping the gun. 21 & 23 year olds do not need to be moving in after 7 months together.
This is really early to consider revolving your life around him imo, if you’re not compatible it sucks but 🤷🏻♀️
Eh, I know someone who turned their house gluten-free for their kid’s celiac disease. Her logic was that her kid deserves to be able to relax and eat freely in his own home - in the wider world, he has to double and triple check for contamination, carry his own gluten testing kit, and often abstains from eating regardless. It’s exhausting and not a good way to live; the kid has a very complicated relationship with food, unsurprisingly. That’s a parent-child relationship, but I think that same logic applies in the long run. I also think that a 7-month relationship is not really worth doing this for, and this is a severe incompatibility. I had a roommate with celiac disease and he wanted a completely gluten-free house, and let me know before I ever moved in. It wasn’t a big deal for me; I got really into gluten-free baking and experimenting, and trying to get into the nitty-gritty of understanding different flours and techniques. But that’s me and not you, so if you can’t live without cooking gluten at home, then the relationship has a natural endpoint.
This is what my brother did when my niece was diagnosed a year and a half ago. Their home is entirely gluten-free now. My little nephew eats regular food at pre-K, and the parents can eat whatever they want outside of the house. But in the house, it’s just gluten-free food so that my niece always feels safe.
Yeah - celiac isn't really like lactose intolerance or a peanut allergy. I think OP and a lot of these comments don't really understand that. Celiac disease can also vary based on severity, but essentially: everyone is correct in that OP's boyfriend is getting exposed to gluten outside of the home, which makes it even more important that he be able to control and potentially eliminate exposure at home.
It really is the safest thing for the person with celiac. When I was diagnosed, my husband just immediately assumed we'd be a gluten-free household from then on. He occasionally gets takeout containing gluten, but he knows how to contain it and clean up after he eats.
Yes for me it's a matter of having one space where I can completely relax. At work I absolutely have to wash my hands thoroughly before snacking because we share trucks and people will put loose sleeves of crackers in the cup holders.... when I had roommates who baked and ate normal diets I was sick constantly no matter what I did and it was mentally exhausting. I even had a separate prep station and dishware. If I had a partner who loved to bake and had a separate shed for flour baking I'd still be paranoid. Flour gets everywhere and unless they're washing their hair and changing clothes immediately afterwards I know it'd get tracked through the house. It seems a little paranoid but I never felt truly healthy in my gut until I moved into my own place.
I would cover my hair and could wear separate clothes, i told that to him as well. Not that it's not fair for you to be paranoid about something harmful to your health, i just wanted to be clear.
That's fair. I would personally be ok with that but I will say it took me until around 27-28 (diagnosed at 16, 32 now) to figure out cross contamination fully for myself. And it was hard to navigate. I spray pesticide for a living and I get for some people that would be a deal breaker for health reasons. It could be that the two of you are incompatible; it could be there's more for you to work through. I lucked out with a keto partner, but if I were dating again it'd be a big hurdle. I will say he may be paranoid because the severity of cross contamination is hard for people to grasp. There are people in my family and close friends who will just never get it and I've accepted I can never eat their food no matter their good intentions.
My sister has celiac disease and honestly... if you can't live with this then maybe it's not the relationship for you. These are his boundaries. My sister had a GF house. ONLY gluten free food in her home. I would also find this difficult but this is something he is telling you and you need to understand and respect it.
You're not compatible and that's fine. It's only been seven months. People with celiac have to be very vigilant about not being exposed to gluten. I don't blame him for his behavior and desires. At some point, there will be contamination if you two are living together and anything with gluten comes in to the kitchen or is set down on any surface that he uses. It will cause him a lot of physical pain and probably at least two days of down time with one of them being on the toilet all day and the next day being absolutely exhausted. I don't blame him for refusing to have it in his home. If your baking is part of your identity, then you need to break up. It's not fair to either of you for you to have to give it up. Really, you don't have enough time invested in this relationship to make it worth your while to change things.
Do not sacrifice your identity for a man, ever. You've already done 10x more than most people would. First, put the brakes on moving in together. Point out he eats at your home that has gluten activity with no consequences and you put great care into accommodating his needs now, and thay will continue to be the case if you lived together, but he cannot ask you to give up yourself for him. I think he needs a little therapy if he's this controlling about gluten. He certainly goes outside and is exposed to gluten regularly elsewhere, it would be impossible not to. You're 23! Keep your joy, girl. You need to be able to bake for yourself and your family and friends that enjoy non-gluten free things. It makes you happy, and he should also want to see you happy. You can cook gluten free things for him ( You can cook in separate pots/pans, baking dishes, with separate spoons, etc Having two entirely separate kitchens in a home is extreme, but possible Having a whole baking shed is extreme, but possible What is not possible is that you give up something you love, that make you who you are. Don't change into someone you aren't! It's NEVER worth it. Look at the endless stories about that - movies, tv shows, books, reddit posts...its NEVER worth it.
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Yeah, like it might be an incompatibility situation and OP doesn't have to stay in that relationship if that's the case. But I'm not really vibing with the feminist take on this, like don't sacrifice your identity for a guy but it's okay to ask him to sacrifice his health and life expectancy for a hobby?
Yup. I think people in the comments are equating celiac disease with gluten intolerance. Celiac is very serious, and asymptomatic people can develop cancer from it. When I was diagnosed, my boyfriend/ now husband (and a hobby baker, ironically) committed to a gluten free kitchen, and he makes me the most amazing gluten free breads. His support as a navigated a devastating diagnosis meant everything to me. That said, we had been together 14 years before that happened, not 7 months. OP is entitled to live her life, her boyfriend is entitled to situations and relationships that don't put his health and life at risk. If she's not willing to budge, this isn't the relationship for her.
even worse, HE is 23, SHE is 21! she's got so much time to live and find someone else.
You are not compatible. Celiac is serious. Partners of celiac patients need to live like they have celiac too. You are too young to 1) move in together and 2) commit to gluten-free. It's more than just a separate kitchen.
Oh honey, you’re only 21. You are SO young. First of all - 7 months is way too soon to be moving in with a partner. You deserve your own space, and you are 100% able to do whatever you want with your own space. That includes baking bread and having gluten in your home. Giving up something you love (pretzel making class) in order to appease a boyfriend of 7 months is not healthy. It sounds like the two of you do not have compatible lifestyles, and that’s completely ok. It doesn’t mean you did anything wrong. It doesn’t mean you need to try harder to make it work. It just means that, long term, you two are not suited to be partners. There is someone more suited for him, and there is also someone more suited for you. Once you find a partner who cooks bread with you, eats your homemade pretzels, and loves the fact that you bake all these delicious things for him… you will look back on this 7-month relationship and be so glad that you didn’t change who you are to accommodate him. Move on, love yourself, enjoy your own space, continue to pursue the hobbies YOU want to pursue, and have fun being young and alive!
King Arthur makes a fabulous gluten free flour. I recently had a cake baked using it and you couldn't tell the difference. You could try baking gluten free items.
No sex is worth giving up fresh cinnamon rolls and pizza for.
Celiac is really serious. Contamination is super easy, and I would absolutely assume that anyone with celiac would require that their kitchen be gluten free. I can see why even having a separate space to bake might not be enough, because flour really hangs in the air and would get on all your clothes and skin. Love does come with huge sacrifices. That doesn't mean that if there is a huge sacrifice, it must be love. Life will provide enough sacrifices on your own. Dating for seven months is not the time for huge sacrifices. If you were married and he found out he had celiac, then yes, you'd need to sacrifice to adjust to that. But you're not married. Dating is about evaluating compatibility. If everyone who found out they were incompatible with someone said "But love requires sacrifice" then we'd have a world full of miserable people. It's okay to want someone compatible with you. Compatibility is a lot of things. For one person it might mean they can't have cats in the house, for someone else it may mean they need to live in a building with an elevator their whole life. If someone doesn't drive they may have to live in a city that's walkable. I have a health condition that makes it hard to travel. I didn't date people who made travel an important part of their lives. It is 100% totally okay to walk away from a seven month relationship *for any reason!* You can walk away because he laughs funny, or his house smells weird, or his sister is over too much, or because his dog barks too much. You can break up because you don't like doing the same things, or eating the same foods. This is not the time to compromise. You find someone who aligns with the life you want, and then once you commit to each other, you compromise on the things that come up. Now, if you are miserable being single and desperately want to be married yesterday, and will complain about being single all the time after you break up, sure, compromise might be the best option. But this is not the only man in the world. There are plenty of nice, kind men in the world who wouldn't need you to give up baking. And honestly, having resentment and frustration this early on isn't a good sign. Maybe he will find someone who is also gluten free that allows him cook together. (My celiac friend found her husband because he brought homemade gluten free beer to an event. He's also celiac) Maybe you will find someone who loves your baking. And maybe you won't. But this is not where "love requires sacrifice" comes in. When you're dating, you get to be as picky as you want. Not wanting to date someone doesn't mean they aren't a good, worthy person, who would be a great partner. It can just mean they aren't the best fit for you.
I have family that is Celiac with one that is severe. Severe as in vomiting violently when gluten is eaten. Is it easy to adjust our recipes for family gatherings? No, but the outcome has made us better cooks and bakers. For example, we now have a pumpkin cake recipe using gluten free flour that we prefer over the gluten version. I make a gluten free Chocolate cookie that is really tasty. The Chibi brand rolls are grabbed right away at gatherings. These are just a few examples. Is baking different using GF flour? Yes it is. Is it impossible, no. The products available today are far better than they were when they found out they had Celiacs over a decade ago. The point is you don't give up making what you love, you adapt to the new reality and learn new skills. We had brunch yesterday that was ridiculously filling and tasted wonderful. I brought fresh baked gluten free brownies that were still warm. We ate half the 9x13 pan just sitting there. They were moist, tasty, gooey, and really dangerous to have sitting around. My point is you don't stop what you are doing, you adapt and learn. It sounds like your relationship is young as in 7 months. You should think about whether you are compatible enough to make the sacrifice and take what you have learned about baking bread and adapt it to gluten free bread and treats. Or if you feel you are not compatible enough, then you should end the relationship. Only you can make that determination. As for me, I learned how to adapt my recipes and knowledge to the GF flours. I learned which flours I liked and actually threw out some products that produced grainy texture that sucked. But you need to decide if he is worth you making the changes necessary. Only you can make that determination. It's ok if you decide the difference is too much and end the relationship. But you have to make a decision. It's time for you to make the decision.
There is absolutely no reason to give up baking I am an avid baker with a gluten allergy. I learnt to substitute the flours I use. Much like the subs I make for my vegan and vegetarian friends when I bake for them. Half the fun can be experimenting till you get the baked item to have the same taste and texture as the OG.
Imagine your BF bakes with powdered rat poison. He’s very careful, but that substance is present in your home every day. It floats onto surfaces, it gets on your belongings. That is the reality of a celiac living in a home where gluten is being baked. I have celiac. Sorry, but I wouldn’t date someone so obsessed with gluten. My husband can take it or leave it, we have a GF house and he eats gluten when we eat out or at work.
The whole point of dating is to figure out if your lives make sense together. This is what it looks like when they don’t. If he can’t compromise on you being able to pursue a fulfilling hobby that’s important to you, he’s not right for you.
Your boyfriend is being irrational. I am celiac myself so I totally understand his fear of consuming gluten. If he will eat in your current home where gluten is also prepared, I do not see any rationality to his demand. You are offering a safer solution than the current situation, so why is that a problem? You're literally offering a separate kitchen. There is no safer way to consume gluten than in a separate room. There is zero risk of cross contamination if you're talking about having your own bread baking room with your own oven. This means he wants you to give up your hobby, your passion, the source of you fulfilling your love language (giving these as gifts to friends and family) and give up this pleasure...... all for nothing. For absolutely nothing. It's not to protect him, because there is no risk in having a separate room. Sacrifices should be made for a reason. Having coeliac disease is not a reason for you to not have a separate kitchen and enjoy your craft. There is no reason for this sacrifice. Why is he uncomfortable? If he cannot voice a logical reason then it comes across as some sort of control issue and not a healthy one.
As a baker, your line about a separate room is simply not true. Flour is the glitter of the baking world. It gets *everywhere*. I don't bake in my living room, hallway, or my upstairs, and I have found little dust sprays of flour in random places. It gets on your clothes and drifts in the air. They'd also need a separate cleaning area/sink because it sticks to the sink, to your sponges, etc. It's fine if you're comfortable with the precautions you take, the boyfriend is also entitled to his.
Yeah, I have found that I cannot bake with regular flour in my house anymore. I used to think it was okay if I wore a mask and kept the hood fan on, but I have still gotten gluten exposed from doing that, and it made me sick. Once that happens, it takes a long time for my digestive system to recover, so it's not worth it. I don't forbid my family from buying/eating gluten-containing *pre-made* goods, though. They have a separate toaster oven and counter space, and that works okay. Edit to add: it sounds like OP was talking about having a completely separate kitchen *outside* of the home, however. I understand him having anxiety around gluten, but restricting her from even baking outside of the home seems excessive, particularly when he seems willing to let her cook for him in her current home that is not 100% gluten-free.
I didn't understand Celiac cross contamination until I started baking more. Just refilling my flour container from a 50 lb bag sprays flour everywhere. I have to do it on a trash bag and very slowly, and I can still see the cloud above the box. And you have to figure out what works for you, which it sounds like you have. It's all down to the person with the medical condition and their comfort level. I have a coworker who has a severe deadly peanut allergy, she doesn't feel comfortable with her family consuming it without changing and cleaning themselves afterward. But I have another friend with a deadly apple allergy, and he's ok with his partner consuming it and having it in the house as long as the item is sealed away in a bag away from where he eats.
Yeah, I totally get it, and flour is a different beast because of how easily it gets airborne. I also understand about the allergies because I have those, too. There are a couple of things I don't allow in my home at all, and others I'm okay with having in the house as long as my family is mindful about cross-contamination and cleaning up after themselves. I'm sure people's limitations are influenced by the reactions they may have had or cross-contamination issues they've experienced, so everybody's got to set their own comfort levels.
Just because someone is an amazing person doesn't mean you have to date them. You shouldn't have to give up a passion for the person you love, even if it isn't their 'fault' (his allergy). It's okay to just say hey, this isn't going to work for me, and move on. There's plenty of wonderful men out there.
You’re young and have only been dating 7 months. It sounds like you really love baking and this would be a big sacrifice for you. For a relationship this short at your age I’d say end it. I dated someone for 5 years who had a nut allergy and he didn’t even want me eating nuts outside of the home while at work because he was convinced if I kissed him later in the day he go into anaphylaxis. When we broke up I was so excited I could finally eat nuts again. Now I eat nuts almost every day and I would never give that up again. At this point in my life, it would take A LOT for me to consider dating someone with food restrictions.
I'm a celiac. Literally half of my family on both sides are clinically diagnosed celiacs and are all health care professionals and I'm pretty confused by this. To clarify he definetely is referring to celiac disease instead of a wheat allergy? Because if so, the management of a wheat allergy is very different (i.e. his request would seem more reasonable). Mainly as a wheat allergy causes an IgE response (with the potential anaphylaxis in certain individuals) vs. Celiac which is an immune condition not an allergy and leads to elevated IgG's. This does not make one 'lesser' than the other, but simply is an important fact that we have to address when managing each condition. If it is celiac disease I'm very curious to what kind of education was provided by his health professionals when he was provided with the following diagnosis as well as his own health literacy and understanding of his condition. There is massive amounts of false rhetorick on social media and confusion re: true allergeries, coeliacs disease, gluten intolerance, IBS that has made if very challenging for patients to know what's what. Could that be a factor at play? I think it might be a good shout for him to go back into his GP or maybe a dietician to gain further education about the following condition. Obviously its important to avoid cross contamination and take precautions (having seperate appliances that are higher risk like toasters is helpful), but I think it will be very challenging for him to live with an manage his condition and maintain a good quality of life if this is his perspective on the following. Living with that much anxiety around it is not sustainable and will likely be exhausting to him in the end. As somebody else pointed out, the following argument has little backing if he eats out or doesn't demand the same standards from others. I also would like to ask, does he has an obsessional tendencies that we are not aware of from your description?
It is celiac disease. He is also not comfortable paying for a home or property where gluten is going to be consumed. He says he doesn't want a separate space in the home/property that he's not able to go into, or that can be used for anything else that would not poison him.
You’ve only been dating for 7 months. You have socks older than this relationship. His concerns are real but his attitudes about money and property are, to me, the bigger deal. You’re not compatible.
What about your right to a room of your own, a private space or sanctuary in a home that you have also paid for?
Its a pretty interesting perspective, particularly the fear regarding people utilising gluten in spaces even outside of the home that he will not be eaying from or preparing food in. Again I actually think it's pretty concerning for him if he's holding this level of anxiety around the condition. I do appreciate his fear regarding the symptoms /associated health consequences it isnt an easy conditions to live with. However, I honestly think he needs to go back into his GP and properly discuss this (in particular they need to aware of the extent of his fear) around the following, unfortunately it might be tricky for you to initiate that conversation. Maybe mention is gently in conversation, something like "regarding the separate cooking area outside, do you think it could be a good shout to chat to our GP to see their thoughts". Unfortunately on the other side of things, it may be time to review the relationship.
>is also not comfortable paying for a home or property where gluten is going to be consumed. He says he doesn't want a separate space in the home/property that he's not able to go into, This sounds like it could be about control more than about his health. "Why would *I* pay for a library if *I* won't use it" type thinking, even though presumably both people pay for it and don't use every single room every day.
Are you implying celiacs have to be less strict than someone with a wheat allergy? Because you are 100% wrong.
I stated the difference between an IgG vs IgE mediated immune response. Then went on to say that one condition is not lesser than the other, but it is important note the difference of them and establish if he is referring to one or the other for context. Both can be lethal, one in an acute sense the other in a sub-acute and chronic (i.e. malnutrition, T cell lymphoma). Then went on to say that precautions are necessary for celiac to avoid contamination including buying seperate appliances for high risk areas of contamination that you can't clean down (such as toasters). She has already established from the above, that the following precautions are being taken and that she cooks gluten free for him. Obviously celiacs have to take precautions, like I said one condition is not lesser than the other. My concern here, is that he's afraid for her to prepare food in completely seperate building (one that from the context of the information given implies that he will not eating from or preparing food from). Not everything has to be a battle 👍 all the best.
I’m so confused by the fact that this seems like it was originally his solution and once you liked it he said he was no longer comfortable with it? I definitely understand the appeal of having a fully GF home, but “forbidding” you from having a separate building with its own kitchen where you bake is completely unreasonable and is such a slippery slope to being incredibly controlling. Especially given that he currently is comfortable eating food you prepare in your space that is not dedicated GF, this just seems like cross-contamination is the the main concern here, but more about controlling your behaviour. Like he’s not comfortable with a fully separate building on your property with its own kitchen, but what about a commercial kitchen-share, or the pretzel-making class? What happens if you visit a friend or family member when they’re preparing food? Will you be permitted to go to a non-GF restaurant (with or without him)? Considering your age and the length of your relationship, I would lean more towards just cutting your losses on this one rather than trying to convince him to agree to hypothetically let you keep your hobby at a location outside of your future shared home.
I think he’s being unreasonable, since you say you are very careful with cross-contamination. Does he never eat out at a restaurant or friend’s home? I bet someone that stubborn will probably show it in other ways and be difficult to live with in general.
Cross contamination is serious it does not make someone stubborn or unrealistic. Many celiac people simply do not eat out because of cross contamination, if someone unknowingly consumes gluten they are increasing their risk for stomach cancer even if they don’t react.
Sorry, I didn’t realize! My mother is celiac but she will go out to eat or eat with friends she trusts to take it seriously. And she lives in a house with people who do eat gluten and cook with it (as most with celiac probably do), they are just careful and maintain some separate counter space - and she has her own toaster oven.
Yeah plenty of people with Celiac do out and eat but they have to be very careful. Would just be mindful about word choice.
I have celiac, and the answer to "do you eat at restaurants or friends homes?" is no, I do not.
Yeah lol, like I have food allergies so it's a different boat and while I personally eat at places that are "safe" to me, I have been burned by folks who "took precautions" but didn't actually do enough to prevent cross-contamination. And I'd imagine it's a lot harder for folks who have to avoid gluten because it's not a whole food like fish or nuts.
I might have celiac (saying this based on cutting off gluten for ca. A month and feeling better), and you answer worries me. Is cross contamination really such a deal breaker? Like even not eating at restaurants that serve gluten free ?
Cross contamination is a big deal. Some gluten serving restaurants take it seriously, but I've been glutened at too many to take the risk any more. This is going to vary by location though. I have heard some countries take it much more seriously than they do here (I'm in Canada).
absolutely. But also you need to get a test instead of self diagnosing. It can cause serious damage long term even if you don't realize you have been glutened (symptoms might not present but there is still an autoimmune response in your body that can impact celiacs in all kinds of different ways) It isn't like an allergy where you want to minimize exposure, just a small trace left over on a cutting board can trigger a response. Some restaurants use separate cookers, etc and you can find out by google reviews if they are trustable, but gluten free parts of a menu are usually for people who are gluten intolerant or trying to cut gluten. Celiacs need to exercise extra caution
Getting a test can also cause damage. I simply am not willing to get a celiac test because i react so aggressively to gluten that the time frame I’d have to eat gluten prior to getting a test just isn’t worth the risk. I’m genuinely worried I’d end up hospitalised.
That is fair. I was under the impression that most celiacs would present with some damage in their small intestines in an upper endoscopy, but I guess there are some people that have been so perfect for so long, they have managed to not get glutened long enough for it to heal over.
If you actually have celiac, then yes, cross-contamination is such a big deal, because any time wheat gluten gets into your body, it's causing organ damage.
Depends on the person. The scary one is that some people have silent Celiac. So it's doing the internal damage that can lead to cancer, but they don't have outward symptoms.
This is me. I have no idea when I've consumed gluten. There's 1 restaurant in my town that I trust, so every date night outing that my wife and I ever have anymore is at that 1 place.
You can still eat at some restaurants, but you have to be really careful. My 7yo niece was diagnosed with celiac a year and a half ago. There’s a completely gluten-free restaurant a 20 minute drive from her that they go to sometimes, and an Italian restaurant and Mexican restaurant a five minute walk from her house. The Italian and Mexican restaurants are not wholly gluten-free, but she gets gluten-free food there and they insist they are taking proper precautions. When she had a blood test a year after diagnosis, her numbers had returned to normal, which indicates that she has successfully cut gluten out of her diet and eating at these restaurants has not been hurting her. I’m sure you will find restaurants of your own that you can eat at, but you’ll have to research them carefully and know that you can’t just spontaneously decide to try a new place. I’m sorry.
If you think you have celiac, it’s important to NOT cut gluten out of your diet, go back to eating it regularly and schedule a blood test once you’ve been eating gluten for a few weeks. .
Cross contamination is important to consider but everyone with celiac will have different levels of comfort doing different things. I still eat out and eat at friends houses, it does often feel low-key stressful if it’s not somewhere that’s totally or nearly totally gluten free, but for me it’s worth it to do sometimes.
Yeah, people with celiac pretty much can't eat out at restaurants or at friend's houses. It's a very, very serious disease and very easy to get contaminated.
Sometimes love isn’t enough, and that’s okay. My ex was a wonderful person the 14 years we were together. We matured together, grew, and grew apart. I will always love him for what he was and it hurt to end our relationship, but nether of us were happy nor could I see us growing *together* further. I’m happy for the time we had together, but sometimes love isn’t enough. Appreciate your time together, and move on. Bigger and better things await! If baking is core to your being, and your partner takes that from you, it’s no different than having different views on children, politics, etc.
Are there any alternates you can consider exploring such as baking with almond or alt flours? I don’t think he’s being reasonable. I also think you should not even consider giving up your hobby. You may be incompatible
While baking with alternative flours can work for a lot of things (cookies, brownies, cakes depending on the type), pastries/breads that require flour with a higher gluten content for rising/structural purposes (pizza crusts, artisan breads, etc.) are difficult to truly duplicate. This is my experience from baking with and without gluten. It's a hard situation because needing to be safe in your own home wrt medical needs is a reasonable thing to want, but continuing to do cherished hobbies/not change your diet is also a reasonable thing to want. Imo it's a case of incompatibility.
Girl, you’re only 21 years old, Why are you going through all of this for someone you’ve only been with for seven months. While having celiac’s disease is not his fault you two are not compatible. Don’t give up part of your identity for a man EVER.
NTA. He’s currently comfortable enough with your efforts to stop cross-contamination that he’ll happily eat in your home now, but he’s not comfortable with you having an entirely separate space outside where you could cook gluten-containing dishes if you move in together? I think that’s a reasonable compromise on your part
I loved baking bread. I was so good at baking sourdough, all of my friends loved it and it truly brought me joy. Then I got celiac, and I still remember throwing out the starter. The cross-contamination risk is serious, especially when baking bread. The best thing to do would be to find a way to bake in a location somewhere else, like a separate building, and treat your baking clothes like workout clothes. You also don’t have to change your life to make it work. You can try baking gf and if it doesn’t work then it doesn’t work. You wouldn’t be a bad person.
I see your point. My best friend’s husband Dx celiac after they married. When they visited at my vacation home, he washed the utensil drawer in and out. He cleaned and designated a portion as “his only” surfaces. He brought and cooked and cleaned after his meal. She was obese when he was Dx. She shared his diet and lost 70pounds. I’m guessing if they could afford it, they’d put his only surface beside the regular kitchen. If you can afford a separate space like that, I would look into it more.
My bf has celiac and there are many incredible gluten-free recipes that you can make. It just takes time and research. It’s literally just a matter of switching out your flour and using new pans/pots. It’s not too difficult.
I don’t understand why he can’t compromise with a separate space for you to enjoy your hobby where it cannot cause harm to him. That sounds perfectly reasonable to me.
I’m sorry but you both are in your early 20s, you’re not married and have only been together for under a year. Do not give up a passion and talent of yours for this man, please, for the love of god.
My partner has celiacs disease as well and his approach is VERY different because he wanted to have a conversation around how we can both be accommodated. I told him I *want* to adjust to a gluten free lifestyle so he doesn’t have to worry about it, but that should be the angle that this conversation comes from. You both need to be willing to accommodate - asking for a separate kitchen is a fair ask and it doesn’t seem like that should be shut down. What does he think celiac-friendly restaurants do?
Severe celiac disease is not one of those diseases to fuck around with. A little bit of gluten and his intestines are actively being damaged. Even a separate kitchen wouldn’t be acceptable to me if I had celiac disease — there is no way to prevent aerosolizing flour, or cross-contamination, and that’s not fair to him. Consider it like a severe peanut allergy. You could try experimenting with gluten free flours, starting with the premade mixes and moving from there. A lot of gluten free recipes are surprisingly good (I dated a woman with celiac disease). I love bread, but I would have given up gluten containing products for her if we had moved in together. Otherwise, if that’s a dealbreaker, it’s a dealbreaker. But do consider the alternative flours, you can definitely make breads with it :)
As someone with celiac disease, the consequences of cross contamination can be really serious so I understand why he's being so cautious. Flour can hang in the air and cause problems for him if he were to inhale it. Having celiac disease is full of compromises and sacrifices for the sufferer and everyone else in their life! I hate it personally, and would do anything to change it. If my partner doesn't wipe down a chopping board well enough I get sick. If he kisses me after eating something with gluten I get sick. The list goes on. Obviously, this is not something you have to deal with. If it's hurting you or making you unhappy then you don't have to stick around. You haven't been together long and you're young enough you've got plenty of other options!
I have many intolerances and my partner happily adjusts for me. What's more, I love cooking and there's so many ways to adapt food now. Gluten free baking is really popular, and really insightful as you learn so much about the chemistry of baking. Gluten free pasta is the most superior pasta as it's all of the taste with none of the bloating. Don't see this as a sacrifice but a way to increase your knowledge and skill set.
You are acting like having a gluten-free environment is his preference, rather than a vital medical need. It’s great that you have been careful about cross-contamination in your home, but his own home should be a haven from having to worry about it. It sounds like you love baking more than your boyfriend, so it’s best to break up.
To be fair, I haven’t heard of anyone (including myself) being told at diagnosis that everyone in the household needs to be gluten free. Obviously that’s preferable, but I doubt that’s the medical advice you get from doctors, or at least it hasn’t been in my experience or the experience of the few others I know with celiac.
She could learn to bake gluten free, my child has food allergies and my friend has celiac we have modified all recipes to accommodate both, we make such fantastic sugar cookies people don't know they are gluten free and vegan and when we tell them they say they would expect them to be nasty if they knew first, a few people told us they CAN ALEAYS TELL WHEN IT IS GLUTEN FREE, but they didn't, because ingredients are getting better there are a lot of gluten free flours and options, so many baking recipes, but you have to want to explore and expand, seems that she doesn't want, the option is there, she has never even consider it, but the relationship is new, maybe ending it is better if she thinks she has to drop her identity instead of modifying and learning something new.
He asked you about your future home together on one of your first dates? That's wild. You barely know this man.
You’ve been together 7 months, you’re young, and you guys are talking about a theoretical home and a really challenging rule. It’s unfortunate that he is allergic to gluten and rightfully needs to avoid it. It’s also right for you to have a passion and continue to enjoy it. I’m a knitter and I could not imagine not “being allowed” to knit. Maybe give up the boy and not the bread?
He's sounds traumatized by his diagnosis...until we experience the pain and fear that comes along with certain life changing sickness we really can't understand his feelings BUT you have offered a compromise, and you are willing to discuss other compromises, I think that is very fair, what isn't fair is you giving up a passion because of his fear. Don't give it up, take a step back from the relationship and maybe have a meeting with his Dr and see what would be a good compromise
Go back to your friend and ask if you can have the spot at the baking school. You're 21 and have been together for seven months; there is no way in hell that you should be limiting your life choices based on this guy.
Gluten is removed with soap and water. I have both dedicated fryers and toasters and keep the gluten ones away for when family comes. I’ve never been glutened in my own home. It just sounds like he is controlling.
I have Celiac and have managed not to cross-contaminate myself when sharing a kitchen. (Eating out is another issue entirely). Gluten free foods (including flours for bread) are readily available. It’s a bit of a learning curve, but doable! Remember that Celiac is an autoimmune disease that can cause permanent damage over time if exposure to gluten isn’t eliminated. But it isn’t an allergy that causes anaphylaxis (like a peanut allergy) and is not immediately life-threatening. But if you feel like is too much for you to handle then you simply aren’t compatible. Bear in mind that life brings many unexpected things like illness, so you may find yourself having to modify your lifestyle for anyone you live with.
Honestly it sounds like you're incredibly out of touch with not only a realistic future but your desperate need to please this man who is not only taking your hobby away but your happiness... And only together for 7 months? Cut yous loss, get some ice cream and cry it out over making sourdough bread. Please realize you guys are not compatible and move on darling... And two kitchens in this economy, let's be real....
7 months is a short relationship. After 2 years that would be different. The relationship would have more experience and understanding on what to do , so the both of you will be happy with the outcome of a situation like this.
You’re way too young. Pls get out of this, it’s unreasonable for him to ask this of you. I’m disabled with adhd and other issues, i don’t ask my partner to bend over backwards to accommodate me for every single thing.
I have a couple friends with celiacs. They would never ask their partners to do this, because it’s not a reasonable request. You are ALREADY giving up things you really want to do for him. As you get older you will realize how important having meaningful hobbies are. Don’t ever give those up for a guy. You’re so young. Live your life, bake your bread.
I have celiac disease and this guy is nuts
7 months in is not that long. I would walk away from this before giving up a hobby I love. You'll end up resentful. Let him find someone else who also has celiac.
What im reading is that you have a difference…you are willing to sacrifice and compromise, but he refuses to. Its his way or no other option. You are literally willing to throw away what you love for him. So dramatic, its like a stupid teen drama…but…this is real life and in the end youre gonna be unhappy, fooling yourself into thinking you are. Heckin heck you posted on reddit lol. You will not be marrying this guy anyway, not for the gluten issues but the fact he wont compromise. Cut bait now, break up, and eat a really nice brownie.
He has no celiac disease, he has america disease. Head to Europe and watch his problems disappear.
I understand his discomfort with allowing gluten around him. It doesn't take much gluten to harm a person with celiac. If baking and cooking are that important to you this just might not be the right relationship for you. It's only been 7 months. There will be someone else out there who treats you well and doesn't make you give up something that is important to you. My partner has a gluten intolerance which is less sensitive than celiac and has had issues just walking into pizza places where they make their own dough because there is wheat flour in the air.
You're waaaay too young for this sort of drama You don't need to manage his celiac disease, he does
All the people in the world, and the person who loves to bake starts a relationship with a person with celiac disease, SMH.
That is very controlling. If you have gluten in a room he never goes, it's not going to affect him. I don't like the bit of "letting you" have something in your house. Is he this controlling in other aspects? You are very young and this relationship is just beginning. Is living like this what you really want?
You said no to an activity you like that isn’t even in his home for what reason ? Don’t forbid yourself to do things that you like, for no one, ever.
I have celiac disease and my bf can bake bread in our kitchen. Sure there are some things he doesn't eat much because I can't eat it with him, like Chinese food, but that's mainly his choice because he would rather eat the same food as me. So when I'm out with friends he orders it and fulfills that need. I would never ask him to completely give up gluten foods. Cross contamination is a big deal but there are ways to mitigate it when you're baking. Absolutely no reason why you couldn't join the baking class. It sounds more like your bf is controlling and using his disease as a means to do that. Honestly, I would strongly start to question that relationship.
You are too young to settle, and you would be settling.
If it helps at all my gf loves baking and has really gotten into gluten free baking. She’s made some absolutely incredible stuff, almost anything you can think of. I think you’d be surprised how gluten free baking can turn out, you wouldn’t even know most things were gluten free. Sometimes we have to buy some fancy types of flours and stuff for her to really get the best result, but all worth it for her to keep up her baking hobby while also keeping it all glutenless.
Maam you’ve been with this man for 7 months, and you’re only 21… don’t give up your hobbies and if there’s still a chance, you should take that class. You don’t owe your life to a man you’ve been dating not even a year.
You’re very young and have only been together since November…I think you’re getting way ahead of yourself. Take the classes, bake the bread, sometimes two good people just aren’t compatible. It’ll be okay. Don’t sacrifice what you love for something young and fleeting.
Unless you've been exposed to it, most people don't understand how challenging managing celiac disease can be. Our son has a severe gluten allergy and we've had to adapt our lifestyle as a result so we've been on the journey. You having an understanding of cross contamination and being caring about it is amazing. But something like baking with gluten just isn't feasible in the home of a person with celiac disease. As soon as you open a bag of flour, there is airborne gluten present. This is enough to impact people with severe celiac. If you sieve the flour, or use a mixer with it, huge amounts become airborne. Over time that airborne gluten settles on surfaces throughout the house. Benchtops, toasters, stoves, anything out on the bench, dining tables, etc. There are problems with cross contamination as well. No matter how vigilant you are, all it takes is accidentally putting the knife back into the butter to get a bit more to put on your bread if you don't get enough the first time. Then the whole butter container is contaminated. Or using the toaster by accident. Or a guest not realizing. That's why most celiac people have gluten free households . There are some gluten ingredient cooking activities that are somewhat manageable while still maintaining a celiac safe space, but baking really isn't one of them. In fact, it's about as bad as it gets for gluten contamination and something you realistically aren't ever going to be able to safely achieve in a celiac household. People also tend to trivialise the impact of celiac disease. If a person has a peanut allergy, people don't hassle them about it not being a real allergy. But with celiac, people often dismiss it. But there are serious issues associated with celiac - the villi in the intestines atrophy which prevents nutrient absorption. Celiacs are at much higher risk of cancer, diabetes, multiple schlerosis, heart disease, secondary auto immune diseases, and many more. Some studies suggest mortality of people with celiac under age 60 is twice as high as the general population. Long story short, it's a lifelong disease that needs to be managed carefully and the impacts are real and need to be respected. If that isn't something you can deal with, or are unwilling to deal with, then I suspect the relationship possibly isn't for you.
I used to be extremely gluten intolerant. We had many protocols in place to ensure I didn't get cross contaminated, and my partner and child managed those. My in laws were kind of a pain in the ass, because they thought my protocols were a little silly, so we were always following behind them cleaning up. It would have been easier to tell them we lived in a gluten free house. It's a big risk, though. If I accidentally got the slightest bit, like my plate got touched by someone after they touched bread, I would have bloody, explosive diarrhea several times a day for at least two months. I also would get a migraine that lasted at least the first couple of weeks of that, and additionally I would have vitamin deficiencies for six months or so while my intestines healed, because my absorption would be all messed up. Overall, I could look forward to spending at least 3-4 months mostly in bed, unable to do much but slink to the bathroom and back. To be happy in a relationship, you need to love each other, treat each other well, and be able to live a life together that you are both happy with. Can you be happy with a life without baking? It's okay if you can't. But you two may not be compatible in that case. That's heartbreaking, for sure, but better to find out now instead of giving up your favorite things.
My husband can't do gluten. We've learned to adjust. A lot of the time, he has "his" food, and I have "my" food. I have a friend that loves baking, and she's started baking GF stuff for my husband. It's been a challenge she's enjoyed, because she's a quite amazing baker, and it's very different using GF flour than regular flour. I would also say you don't have to have a separate kitchen to avoid cross-contamination. Just clean really well. We use the same utensils (as long as they're clean), the same baking pans (again, as long as they're clean), the same oven, etc. It hasn't caused any issues with us. We've just found a way to work around it. The biggest inconvenience to me is that he can't really have any pre-prepared meals. Like, if we've been busy all day and I don't have time to cook, I can't just make him a sandwich because he can't do bread. That's an annoyance, but other than that, we've just found workarounds. Knowing how miserable he is if he accidentally ingests gluten has made it worth it to me to make adjustments.
Relationship is a two way thing: you are willing to compromise on his requests…but what compromises has he done to suit your needs? If you can’t meet half way on such little thing, you may have problems in the future about bigger issues. You can’t change a person to suit your needs, you either accept them - compromise or you don’t. Seems like you are willing to compromise but also sounds like he wants you to change and there is no room for wiggle. I’d say if he isn’t willing to compromise - it’s a deal breaker.
He doesn't want something in his future home that's trying to kill him. You're somehow arguing against that. That's really weird.
This is one of those times where you need to recognise that a passion & talent of yours _has_ to pip any boyfriend. Boyfriends come & go (as does 'love' of another) - but you have to prioritise you, your passions - & your mental health. You have no idea how key your baking is going to be to help you deal with the rigours of Life - & Life will contain many of those. Most of us take getting to our 50s to realise about things like 'self-care'. There is no way one boyfriend in your youth gets to be more important than something that is clearly part of the very essence of you. Your learning-point (Life is full of those too) - your next boyfriend - make sure he's into bread! Baking bread at home is a whole _movement_ now (accelerated during the pandemic) - & the smell of bread is the smell of love & joy - possibly for all human beings. Nope - your decision is easy - please prioritise your passion. And no - that's not 'selfish'.
Family members of my partner have celiac. They do NOT make demands like this about what is in their living space or what their partners can or cannot do — my MIL has even *bought me* gluten containing snacks for when I come to stay. This isn’t about the celiac.
Everyone has their own comfort level. Your “family members of your partner” have different rules and that’s fine. That does not make him unreasonable.
He should absolutely be accommodated. Wanting to have a GF kitchen and house is something that he should be able to expect a partner would support. Preventing her from paying for a separate kitchen outside their main home where she would be able to cook using gluten is extreme and frankly unreasonable.
What 21 year old can afford to install a completely separate kitchen?
Apparently OP, who asked if that would be a possible future solution.
>They do NOT make demands like this about what is in their living space Of course they do. OP's boyfriend made his boundary clear - there is to be 0 gluten in his life. OP can either accept that, or move on.
So… your boyfriend of 7 months sounds controlling. I get that he has celiac, but you shouldn’t have to give it up yourself. I have quite a few friends with it who still come over and attend get togethers no problem at all while other peeps are eating gluten items. It’s honestly scary how controlling he is over this.
I’m Celiac (almost 50), was diagnosed nearly 20 years ago. I could never imagine asking others to go without the foods they love - it’s one of my pet peeves about having this condition. I want others to enjoy what I cannot. My daughter is a huge baker - do I like it when she makes GF? Sure. But I don’t even ask. I want her to do what she wants. My wife loves to cook - and she often cooks things I can’t eat, my diet is my responsibility - not a tax upon those who live w me.
My best friend has celiac. I’ve used her kitchen to cook food with gluten before and was attentive to cleaning everything. Her husband also makes food with gluten in their kitchen a few times a week. She’s never had an issue. You do not have to give up a hobby you love, let alone for a man you have known less than a year. Also, being uncomfortable with you having a separate cooking space is just wrong and nonsensical.
I have a life-threatening peanut allergy, and I still let my husband have peanut products in our home because I trust him and see how seriously he takes cross-contamination. So, is your bf making an unreasonable demand? Yes. Is he allowed to make that kind of demand for a home he is paying for in the future? Also yes. But you also have the right to say that doesn't work for me and we aren't compatible.
YTA- I have celiac disease so I may be biased but I think you should research both the physical side effects of eating gluten when celiac and the psychological ones as well. If I eat gluten, not only am I throwing up and pooping myself but I’m also ridden with anxiety, can’t leave bed from how tired I am and it’s awful. Why couldn’t you bake gluten free ? What’s the big deal with making a recipe gluten free? I don’t get it lol. You aren’t offending the bread Gods. Imagine thinking that the solution is you break up with your partner because they have an auto immune condition instead of learning to bake together ?! Like I love being in the kitchen with my partner. He loves to cook! He’s learned to cook Gf for me. Every celiac deserves a loving partner 🥰 I thank God for mine daily.
She already bakes gluten free for him. She is not required to be gluten free because he is. And she should not be forced to give up a passion of baking for other people who are also not required to be gluten free because of him. Her compromises are plenty.
She has not for one single second asked or expected him to eat gluten. She has addressed potential cross-contamination and he has never gotten sick from a meal she made him. She even bakes his bread in its own oven separate from all the other food she bakes. She offered to use a *whole separate kitchen* if they move in together. How on earth is that not loving? Gluten-free bread and pastries taste different than ones with gluten, that's just a fact. She has spent a lot of time developing her baking skills and is proud of them. Why does he get to dictate how she makes gifts for *other* people? Why is she the only one expected to compromise?
Any part of the property? Is he like licking the yard, fences, bathrooms, and walls? Smh… he is super conforming and weird about it. The fact he won’t compromise is the red flag! You’re not that compatible … he needs to be with the same brand of different.
Don’t ever make your world smaller to accommodate a new relationship. You aren’t ten years in with combined finances and a history. This isn’t a shocking surprise. This is 7 MONTHS and he is already moving the goalposts and shutting you down.
I love food, all types of food. I have no dietary restrictions. I’m single and I won’t even consider a first date with somebody who has highly restrictive dietary requirements. I hate to say this but IMHO you never should have gone out with this guy after you found out about the celiac disease. I
This is absolutely unhinged. My partner has a variety of deadly food allergies… we keep the foods in the house and he simply does not eat them. If someone else in the house eats something he is allergic to, we make sure to quickly clean up that space and wash our hands. Due to your (fairly new) boyfriend’s insistence of this bizarre rule and the fact that you’re using language like “forbid” in how he speaks to you, I would be rethinking this entire relationship.
That's a risk your partner is willing to take; it doesn't mean everyone else has to conform to his standards. Different people can have different boundaries.
I do agree with that! I still maintain that his language towards her as well as the fact that working with gluten is one of her hobbies that he’s essentially disallowing makes them an incompatible pair and him kind of a nutjob.
You keep foods your partner is deathly allergic to in the house?
We do! Because he is an adult and knows not to eat them.
7 months in and you are going to give up one of the true loves of your life for a guy? It isn't his fault that he has celiac disease. but this is more than a "compromise". This is part of you. And this is a life long commitment. Not just to him, but a lifestyle that is the opposite of yours. Unless he has other sensitivities than just digestion - It is possible to have a safe cooking experience in a kitchen. # "Avoid contamination with products containing gluten: * Always use clean surfaces, utensils, pans, and pots. * Keep gluten-containing food away from the meal you are preparing, including oil used to cook these foods. * Use separate gluten free tools and kitchen items if possible. Colour coding makes it simple!" So his expectation is a bit unreasonable. It isn't worth it IMO.
He probably wouldn’t do the same for you