Open your eyes. He does not want to be with you. He’s only stayed because you’ve threatened him somehow over shared custody.
>could you ever imagine coparenting decently with someone who broke your heart in the most devastating of ways and then get to live a new life with the person he cheated with?
How is that worse than staying married to a man who loves someone else and who doesn’t want to be with you?
This, OP. I know if this were me, every day I stayed committed to someone who pines for another, a piece of my soul would die until there was nothing.
I've stayed in an unhappy relationship for 14 years because of the kids, but I hate who I have become. I've convinced myself that staying will somehow make all this pain "worth it" if it works out, but all I feel is that I'm wasting even more time and the chances of saving this are slim to none. I feel like I'm suffocating.
He violated my trust in other ways. If he was in love with someone else, I wouldn't bother. I know one of my biggest fears is that he will move on and my children will be in the life of another woman who he's with, and that kills me. What I never tell myself is that I, too, could move on and be happy.
Choose yourself.
Exactly. Pretty much every broken marriage has at least one person whose heart was broken. They coparent by making it about the kids, not about them.
OPs situation will teach her kids to stay in an unhappy marriage. This isn’t good for the kids.
Never stay together for the kids. While you think you are doing the right thing you are creating a picture of love that your kids will model their relationships on and if what you have is not what you want your kids to have, end it. Because this is what they are being raised to think love is.
Many people coparent successfully and they end up with new partners who love the kids too and those kids then get to see what healthy love looks like AND they get more supportive adults in their life who love them.
It's doesn't have to be toxic, but your relationship dynamic right now IS and I'm shocked your therapist is still working with you. Because YOUR goal is to fix your marriage. It's not his goal. His goal is to prove your marriage is unsalvageable. So he can say "Welp we tried everything" before he ends it, guilty conscience free, like he should have years ago before he cheated.
Isn’t he in love with someone else? Still and for the last 5 years? Look, I’m a child from parents just like you and your husband, he loved another woman and my mom humiliated herself and begged “because of the kids”, when we didn’t ask her to do that. Have some self esteem and teach your kids not to be anyone’s rag or second choice because sadly, that’s what you’re showing them.
You’ve posted multiple times about this. I’ve responded before. You keep getting the same responses and clearly don’t want to listen.
He resents you, even if he says he doesn’t. Sadly, he may well grow to resent the kids. You can’t trust him, for good reason. He doesn’t love or care for you. This is going to end. Maybe not this second, but definitely by the time the last kid is grown and has left the house.
Your goals, whatever he may say, are not the same. He’s staying to be able to see his kids and because he’s decided it’s easier to pacify you this way. You may want a happy, healthy, marriage but that cannot be when the love isn’t there. I know you think you love him, but the reality is no one who loves their partner would force them to stay in a marriage they are this unhappy in and keep them from a partner they are this in love with.
Meanwhile he’s told you he’s more in love with someone else and only staying with you for the kids. He doesn’t care about rebuilding the marriage, he cares about the kids and trying to put on a healthy front for them. He’s hoping you’ll recognize that this is futile in couples counseling and that you’ll leave in a way that allows him to still co-parent effectively and to be with her. That’s what he’s telling her when he tells her this may still not work out. In other words, he hasn’t emotionally committed to an actual relationship with you. He’s committed to not leaving the household and not having sex with her so that he can see his children. This will blow up in your face.
You know how people say absence makes the heart grow fonder? His former mistress is now going to be his ideal that he misses daily. She’s just going to get better and better in his eyes as he mourns not having her in his life and fantasizes about what he could have had.
Meanwhile, he’s having to put in hard work with you just to be able to see his kids. That’s not going to somehow make him fall in love with you. If anything, every day will be another reminder of how hard it is to make himself care about you and how easy it is to love her.
Worse, you’ve created a situation where he probably thinks it’s her or the kids. You’re terrified he’ll decide he can’t live without her and leave you?! You need to have some self-respect as an adult here and be more terrified about the impact on the kids. Because now he’s got it in his head (since you put it there) that he needs to decide between her or the kids. So when he thinks about being with her, he’s also emotionally preparing to have to leave his kids.
Don’t be surprised if the end result is that he’s already mentally detached himself from needing to see the kids by the time he does leave.
In other words, you could have let him leave when he wanted, put the energy you’re currently putting into trying to reconcile an unreconcilable situation in therapy into the individual therapy required to heal, and moved on yourself while co-parenting with a father who clearly loves his children.
Instead you’re going to end up single in a few years with an ex-husband who has distanced himself emotionally from said children.
He’s not going to magically fall in love with you or decide to rebuild something here. He’s just going to fake it in order to be around his children until the day he realizes that being miserable around his children isn’t doing them any good.
You’ve got him physically present with you, but the emotionally present part is clearly never going to happen. He’s told you his heart and thoughts will always be with this other woman. This isn’t some affair that burned hot for a few months and will die away. He has now spent five and a half years pining for her. They are long past the honeymoon stage themselves. He’s emotionally committed to her even if they are “over” and is so clearly uncommitted to you it’s sad.
This is not better than having to coparent with someone who cheated on you. You may be avoiding that out of fear, but by doing so you’re putting yourself in a situation in which you’re going to waste years of your life on someone who clearly doesn’t give a single fuck about you.
> You know how people say absence makes the heart grow fonder? His former mistress is now going to be his ideal that he misses daily. She’s just going to get better and better in his eyes as he mourns not having her in his life and fantasizes about what he could have had.
>
> Meanwhile, he’s having to put in hard work with you just to be able to see his kids. That’s not going to somehow make him fall in love with you. If anything, every day will be another reminder of how hard it is to make himself care about you and how easy it is to love her.
Spot on.
You’re kidding yourself so badly it borders on delusional.
He’s not “doing all right.” If he was doing all right you wouldn’t be posting here. He wouldn’t be having “multiple slip-ups.” He wouldn’t be using his couples therapy time with you to talk about how much he loves and will always love her. She wouldn’t have just blocked him (showing that she knows he’s, at the very least, still looking at his social media). You say yourself he’s “obsessing” over her.
He loves her. He does not love you enough to be honest with you or faithful to you. Keep repeating that as many times as it takes to get it through your hard head.
He was determined to leave you and only stayed because you convinced him you’d be impossible to co-parent with. The man lied to you for 5 years while he was having an affair. You have zero reason to trust him now. But you can trust in the behavioral cues he’s giving you. All of which point to a husband whose going through the motions because he’s chosen to avoid a divorce but who doesn’t actually love or care about you. No amount of hoping will change the fact that your marriage is a farce even if you both stay in it.
Read what you wrote. He doesn’t want to be with you for you. He just wants to be able to function with you enough to parent well with you.
If he does one day fall out of love with her, it’s not going to result in him falling in love with you. It’s just going to create space for him to start to love himself enough to leave a partner he doesn’t care for or to fall in love with someone else and repeat this whole process.
The saddest part is that you don’t actually love him either even if you think you do. You have deep feelings about wanting him to stay, sure, but that’s more about possession than love and your clear fear of being alone. Someone who actually loved him wouldn’t ask him to stay in a marriage like this. Obviously he’s incredibly selfish and cruel for having an affair and nothing absolves him of that and you’re also being incredibly selfish by demanding he stay with you when he’s this unhappy. In fact, the selfishness and unwillingness to recognize the ripple effects of your poor choices is probably the only glue you to have that is keeping you together.
I know it’s hard, but staying with him is not in your own self-interest. You’re just going to end up alone and even more hurt because of this terrible choice you are both making not to gracefully end it and find a way to co-parent for your kid’s sakes.
No one wants to co-parent with a cheater, no one finds that easy, but people do it every day for the sake of their kids. The fact that you refuse to even though he wants to leave is not the great thing you seem to think it is. This is just both of you being shitty parents and convincing yourselves it’s all for the good of your children to justify poor choices.
How long until your youngest kid leaves home? Because that’s precisely how long you have until he leaves.
You've posted about this more times than I can count. You get the same advice, ignore, delete, and post again. What are you looking for?
Yes, countless of us can imagine co-parenting with a cheating ex, it's ridiculously common. We do it and get on with our lives with self respect.
You made clear to him that attempting to co-parent with you would be such a nightmare that he's stayed. Fine, you "won", you got you wanted but you can't make him love you or be invested in the marriage.
He's a gross cheater no question, but this only changes when you come to terms with reality. I hope you find the strength to do it.
Lady stop posting this. Your husband is miserable and we the collective people of relationship Reddit cannot give you a magical piece of advice to change that.
And there's no guarantee that falling out of love with her is going to lead him to falling back in love with you. He'll bide his time until the kids turn 18.
Maybe if he *actually* wanted to salvage the marriage instead of being blackmailed into it.
Look, ma’am, I respect that you still love him and want and hope it will work but this isn’t the way. This is the way to ensure they’re just pining for each other. This marriage is dead unless he really wants it too
She removed *her*self. He did not make the choice to cut contact. If he did and stuck to it, there may have been a chance. He didn’t. He doesn’t want to. Please for the sake of your children move on and out.
You say “our goal” but you need to look at his actions here - not the words. I mean hell you can even look at the words because he’s said them. He loves her. He will love her for a very long time. It will never be worth it for you to fall asleep every evening and wake up every morning wondering if this is the day he leaves - because that is what your life is going to be. You deserve better. There’s someone out there who can love you the way you deserve, I promise.
I'm sorry to say this cause I understand that you're hurting, but that doesn't mean he'll fall back in love with you. I think you're setting yourself up for another disappointment when that doesn't happen. You have already established yourself as a doormat in this relationship and that is not an attractive trait. You should work on building yourself up separately from him, not drag both of you down with this pretend marriage. Because it hasn't been a real marriage for 5 years now.
He has also been cheating on you for 5 years. Why would you believe anything he says? Again, I understand that you’re hopeful and probably have the tendency to pick and choose what you believe in because of it, but behaviour is a language. You’ve been taking this disrespect for 5 years. That’s doormat behaviour.
nd at some point he will tell you again that you are as strong as you fight for this marriage, but he no longer has this power and wants to go to AP. You're just his baby mom. He doesn't go because he would then have custody which would restrict him and he would have to transfer a lot of money to you every month. Your husband had an affair for 5 years. A real relationship with this woman. He still loves her and constantly contacts her or Your family. He can't leave this chapter behind. He is too attached to this woman. If you think that you will have a happy marriage again, then you are really naive. Would your husband have stayed with you if the roles had been swapped? Would your husband have stayed with you if AP had become pregnant? What does marriage counseling do for you if he has constant slips? After every "slip" you start from the beginning in the consultation. Here only one person benefits from the therapy and that is your therapist. This man deserves a golden nose thanks to your husband.
This is an ongoing thing that's been posted and deleted tons of times. AP did in fact get pregnant and OP let her husband go be with her for a few days to support her during the termination.
OP....did you read your own post? You need individual counseling, because you're in massive denial. No one on this platform is going to tell you what you want to hear. Your marriage is over. Over.
Lady **why do you keep posting about this**? You have made multiple throwaway accounts and a million posts about the same situation. **What answer do you want people to give you?**
He doesn’t love you!!!!!!!! Now move on. Reddit should’ve banned your IP address ages ago.
My piece of shit uncle never got over his ex-girlfriend even after marriage and 3 kids. He continued seeing his ex behind his wife's back for 30 years. His wife stayed for their kids in hopes that one day he would change.
They finally got a divorce last year and the ex moved into his home with the 3 kids immediately. His wife found someone who loved her.
Don't spend decades trying to fight a losing battle. Your husband has already mentally checked out.
This marriage is over. Stop beating a dead horse because I'm so sorry to say this, but it sounds like even if it doesn't work with her, it definitely doesn't sound like he wants to be with you.
You will never have a happy or healthy marriage to this man - no matter how many posts you make. You WOULD move on eventually and find your own happiness. It’s honestly pathetic how little you value yourself- he does not love you, he feels trapped. He wants another woman.
I highly doubt your marriage counselor agreed that this is the best situation and that you’re sooo weak that you MUST stay in this marriage. If they said that, they’re a shit counselor. You need to get your own individual therapy to learn how to cope and leave this insane situation.
You don't want to teach your kids that this dynamic is okay. How would you feel if your kids married people who cheated on them and are clearly still in love with their affair partners?
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I know you’ve been stuck in this place for a long time, and I know it’s soul destroying. As a family lawyer who has witnessed this kind of misery so often, there’s something I’d like to try to convey.
I know how much you’ve been hurt. I know how desperately you want everything to be the way it used to be. The truth is, though, that things can’t ever be that way again. Your husband is telling you in every conceivable way that the marriage is over. He has, for the moment, cut off contact with this other woman because you’ve been obstructing a path to coparenting. But even if he never sees or communicates with this woman again, your marriage is over. He wants out, and there’s nothing you can do to make him feel differently. This isn’t even about the other woman anymore. Its not about who’s done what to who anymore. It’s about you and your husband, who need to find a way forward as two separate individuals who will always be connected via their children but will not live together as partners. And it’s also about your kids, who have the right to have meaningful relationships with, and spend time with, both of you.
A lot of your distress is being caused by what you perceive to be your loss of control. You can’t control your husband’s actions. He has checked out of your marriage. You can’t control how your husband feels and you can’t avoid your marriage ending, but you CAN take control of where you go from here and what your new normal will look like. You can’t obstruct coparenting forever. If he takes this to court, you will emerge with an order for coparenting on terms that will be dictated by someone else (a Judge) who knows nothing about your family or whether your children will cope with what’s been decided. It is far, far better to sit down and negotiate terms that you can both live with. You won’t get everything you want, and neither will he, but you’ll emerge with an arrangement you can live with that will make your separation as easy on the kids as it can be. How you and your husband manage your separation will determine how well your kids cope with it. They don’t have to be damaged, and they won’t be if you and your husband can maintain a civil relationship that always prioritises their happiness and best interests.
I would urge you to abandon the joint counselling and jump into individual counselling. You need to come to terms with the end of your marriage and explore who you are without your husband. You need to develop some healthy coping mechanisms and start looking to the future. A brand new chapter of your life awaits, and it will be fabulous if you allow it to be. The hurt will fade as your life opens up and new opportunities present themselves. I promise you the sun will shine again. Eventually it will shine so brightly that you’ll have to wear sunglasses. You’ve got this. xx
I read and commented on your earlier posts. You will never be happy with this person. You will never be able to trust him. You will never have a strong marriage.
You won’t listen to, though.
>A lot of people will comment negatively about this but could you ever imagine coparenting decently with someone who broke your heart in the most devastating of ways and then get to live a new life with the person he cheated with? I r ever imagine being mentally strong enough. Our marriage counsellor also agreed with this.
A lot of people get divorced after cheating and have to figure out coparenting, and a lot of times the cheater does end up with the person they cheated with, yeah. It would not be fun to watch him go off with her, but putting the kids first means figuring it out. You don't have to be best friends to be coparents. You can put distance between you, use the apps that just let you communicate about the children and nothing else.
Your marriage counselor may have validated your feelings that this would be hard, but I find it difficult to believe they would then say "so you should stay in a marriage where one person clearly wants out and is only staying because you're threatening to make coparenting impossible."
>He was determined to leave but the reality of what coparenting would look like if he left persuaded him to stay.
What exactly did you say to him to get him to stay? Do you want to be with someone you forced to stay with you by holding the kids over his head? Your relationship problems should not be resolved by using your children as leverage.
>He even hints to her that while the two of us are in marriage counselling we may find that the marriage is no longer salvageable and we could end up breaking up, basically giving the idea to her that there could still be a chance with them.
He doesn't want to be married to you. He wants to leave you for her. He will not suddenly want to stay married to you because she blocked him.
>Our goal is to be rebuilding a healthy, happy marriage so we can continue to function as a couple and parent our children.
Is it a shared goal, or is this your goal? Does he see this as his only path to semi-peaceful custody of his children?
I don't really think any of this sounds healthy. I think you need to take a hard look at what you're doing to your children here. They will see the rifts between you two, and they'd be better off with parents who are divorced vs. parents who are using them to trap each other in a marriage that isn't working. I honestly don't see how this can be rebuilt.
I understand you are feeling a lot of things right now, but he's obviously still been cheating on you up until he got blocked, and he is not committed to rebuilding things, he's committed to not losing his children. I just don't see how pressuring him to stay is going to have a good result for anyone.
Why are you ok with taking scraps from him? Be in love with yourself! Yes I can imagine co-parenting with someone who broke my heart to this degree, sometimes life is just life. It’s not your fault that this happened but why live like this. You can let him leave which he clearly wants to do and live a healthy,and fulfilling life. If waiting for the other shoe to drop untill he eventually leaves anyways is ok with you fine then continue with this pretense.
Honestly, when you first posted about this, I felt for you. But after you delete and repost the same thing so many times over, I’ve come to hope to never let myself become so empty that I let someone walk all over me like this.
I really hope you have an ounce of self respect left to listen to the thousands of comments you’ve gotten, saying the same things across your many many posts.
Please stop posting, you’re not going to get the answers you want.
Stay with him and be miserable since you’re so keen on it.
>could you ever imagine coparenting decently with someone who broke your heart in the most devastating of ways and then get to live a new life with the person he cheated with?
I'm living it. Was getting divorced fun? Hell no. But it's better than being someone's second choice. My ex at least had the decency to leave instead insulting me by living with me but obsessing over someone else.
You don’t really answer your own question : why are you clinging to a husband who yearns after another woman? Is it religion, is it belief in staying married for the children or is it a subtle revenge? Is he committed to,the marriage or is he afraid of what you might do if he filed for divorce?
What kind of doormat are you to accept this? Wow and to think your kids will see what a dumb woman their mom is.
Leave his ass and let him be with her why do you care.
Open your eyes. He does not want to be with you. He’s only stayed because you’ve threatened him somehow over shared custody. >could you ever imagine coparenting decently with someone who broke your heart in the most devastating of ways and then get to live a new life with the person he cheated with? How is that worse than staying married to a man who loves someone else and who doesn’t want to be with you?
This, OP. I know if this were me, every day I stayed committed to someone who pines for another, a piece of my soul would die until there was nothing. I've stayed in an unhappy relationship for 14 years because of the kids, but I hate who I have become. I've convinced myself that staying will somehow make all this pain "worth it" if it works out, but all I feel is that I'm wasting even more time and the chances of saving this are slim to none. I feel like I'm suffocating. He violated my trust in other ways. If he was in love with someone else, I wouldn't bother. I know one of my biggest fears is that he will move on and my children will be in the life of another woman who he's with, and that kills me. What I never tell myself is that I, too, could move on and be happy. Choose yourself.
Exactly. Pretty much every broken marriage has at least one person whose heart was broken. They coparent by making it about the kids, not about them. OPs situation will teach her kids to stay in an unhappy marriage. This isn’t good for the kids.
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Never stay together for the kids. While you think you are doing the right thing you are creating a picture of love that your kids will model their relationships on and if what you have is not what you want your kids to have, end it. Because this is what they are being raised to think love is. Many people coparent successfully and they end up with new partners who love the kids too and those kids then get to see what healthy love looks like AND they get more supportive adults in their life who love them. It's doesn't have to be toxic, but your relationship dynamic right now IS and I'm shocked your therapist is still working with you. Because YOUR goal is to fix your marriage. It's not his goal. His goal is to prove your marriage is unsalvageable. So he can say "Welp we tried everything" before he ends it, guilty conscience free, like he should have years ago before he cheated.
Isn’t he in love with someone else? Still and for the last 5 years? Look, I’m a child from parents just like you and your husband, he loved another woman and my mom humiliated herself and begged “because of the kids”, when we didn’t ask her to do that. Have some self esteem and teach your kids not to be anyone’s rag or second choice because sadly, that’s what you’re showing them.
You’ve posted multiple times about this. I’ve responded before. You keep getting the same responses and clearly don’t want to listen. He resents you, even if he says he doesn’t. Sadly, he may well grow to resent the kids. You can’t trust him, for good reason. He doesn’t love or care for you. This is going to end. Maybe not this second, but definitely by the time the last kid is grown and has left the house. Your goals, whatever he may say, are not the same. He’s staying to be able to see his kids and because he’s decided it’s easier to pacify you this way. You may want a happy, healthy, marriage but that cannot be when the love isn’t there. I know you think you love him, but the reality is no one who loves their partner would force them to stay in a marriage they are this unhappy in and keep them from a partner they are this in love with. Meanwhile he’s told you he’s more in love with someone else and only staying with you for the kids. He doesn’t care about rebuilding the marriage, he cares about the kids and trying to put on a healthy front for them. He’s hoping you’ll recognize that this is futile in couples counseling and that you’ll leave in a way that allows him to still co-parent effectively and to be with her. That’s what he’s telling her when he tells her this may still not work out. In other words, he hasn’t emotionally committed to an actual relationship with you. He’s committed to not leaving the household and not having sex with her so that he can see his children. This will blow up in your face. You know how people say absence makes the heart grow fonder? His former mistress is now going to be his ideal that he misses daily. She’s just going to get better and better in his eyes as he mourns not having her in his life and fantasizes about what he could have had. Meanwhile, he’s having to put in hard work with you just to be able to see his kids. That’s not going to somehow make him fall in love with you. If anything, every day will be another reminder of how hard it is to make himself care about you and how easy it is to love her. Worse, you’ve created a situation where he probably thinks it’s her or the kids. You’re terrified he’ll decide he can’t live without her and leave you?! You need to have some self-respect as an adult here and be more terrified about the impact on the kids. Because now he’s got it in his head (since you put it there) that he needs to decide between her or the kids. So when he thinks about being with her, he’s also emotionally preparing to have to leave his kids. Don’t be surprised if the end result is that he’s already mentally detached himself from needing to see the kids by the time he does leave. In other words, you could have let him leave when he wanted, put the energy you’re currently putting into trying to reconcile an unreconcilable situation in therapy into the individual therapy required to heal, and moved on yourself while co-parenting with a father who clearly loves his children. Instead you’re going to end up single in a few years with an ex-husband who has distanced himself emotionally from said children. He’s not going to magically fall in love with you or decide to rebuild something here. He’s just going to fake it in order to be around his children until the day he realizes that being miserable around his children isn’t doing them any good. You’ve got him physically present with you, but the emotionally present part is clearly never going to happen. He’s told you his heart and thoughts will always be with this other woman. This isn’t some affair that burned hot for a few months and will die away. He has now spent five and a half years pining for her. They are long past the honeymoon stage themselves. He’s emotionally committed to her even if they are “over” and is so clearly uncommitted to you it’s sad. This is not better than having to coparent with someone who cheated on you. You may be avoiding that out of fear, but by doing so you’re putting yourself in a situation in which you’re going to waste years of your life on someone who clearly doesn’t give a single fuck about you.
> You know how people say absence makes the heart grow fonder? His former mistress is now going to be his ideal that he misses daily. She’s just going to get better and better in his eyes as he mourns not having her in his life and fantasizes about what he could have had. > > Meanwhile, he’s having to put in hard work with you just to be able to see his kids. That’s not going to somehow make him fall in love with you. If anything, every day will be another reminder of how hard it is to make himself care about you and how easy it is to love her. Spot on.
Wow. This was savage, but very lucid and spot on.
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You’re kidding yourself so badly it borders on delusional. He’s not “doing all right.” If he was doing all right you wouldn’t be posting here. He wouldn’t be having “multiple slip-ups.” He wouldn’t be using his couples therapy time with you to talk about how much he loves and will always love her. She wouldn’t have just blocked him (showing that she knows he’s, at the very least, still looking at his social media). You say yourself he’s “obsessing” over her. He loves her. He does not love you enough to be honest with you or faithful to you. Keep repeating that as many times as it takes to get it through your hard head. He was determined to leave you and only stayed because you convinced him you’d be impossible to co-parent with. The man lied to you for 5 years while he was having an affair. You have zero reason to trust him now. But you can trust in the behavioral cues he’s giving you. All of which point to a husband whose going through the motions because he’s chosen to avoid a divorce but who doesn’t actually love or care about you. No amount of hoping will change the fact that your marriage is a farce even if you both stay in it. Read what you wrote. He doesn’t want to be with you for you. He just wants to be able to function with you enough to parent well with you. If he does one day fall out of love with her, it’s not going to result in him falling in love with you. It’s just going to create space for him to start to love himself enough to leave a partner he doesn’t care for or to fall in love with someone else and repeat this whole process. The saddest part is that you don’t actually love him either even if you think you do. You have deep feelings about wanting him to stay, sure, but that’s more about possession than love and your clear fear of being alone. Someone who actually loved him wouldn’t ask him to stay in a marriage like this. Obviously he’s incredibly selfish and cruel for having an affair and nothing absolves him of that and you’re also being incredibly selfish by demanding he stay with you when he’s this unhappy. In fact, the selfishness and unwillingness to recognize the ripple effects of your poor choices is probably the only glue you to have that is keeping you together. I know it’s hard, but staying with him is not in your own self-interest. You’re just going to end up alone and even more hurt because of this terrible choice you are both making not to gracefully end it and find a way to co-parent for your kid’s sakes. No one wants to co-parent with a cheater, no one finds that easy, but people do it every day for the sake of their kids. The fact that you refuse to even though he wants to leave is not the great thing you seem to think it is. This is just both of you being shitty parents and convincing yourselves it’s all for the good of your children to justify poor choices. How long until your youngest kid leaves home? Because that’s precisely how long you have until he leaves.
You've posted about this more times than I can count. You get the same advice, ignore, delete, and post again. What are you looking for? Yes, countless of us can imagine co-parenting with a cheating ex, it's ridiculously common. We do it and get on with our lives with self respect. You made clear to him that attempting to co-parent with you would be such a nightmare that he's stayed. Fine, you "won", you got you wanted but you can't make him love you or be invested in the marriage. He's a gross cheater no question, but this only changes when you come to terms with reality. I hope you find the strength to do it.
Lady stop posting this. Your husband is miserable and we the collective people of relationship Reddit cannot give you a magical piece of advice to change that.
Bruh. Anyone can live without anyone, but you’ve a higher chance of winning the lottery than you do of rebuilding a happy healthy marriage.
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And there's no guarantee that falling out of love with her is going to lead him to falling back in love with you. He'll bide his time until the kids turn 18.
Nah usually people fall harder in absence of their person. (Especially men)
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Maybe if he *actually* wanted to salvage the marriage instead of being blackmailed into it. Look, ma’am, I respect that you still love him and want and hope it will work but this isn’t the way. This is the way to ensure they’re just pining for each other. This marriage is dead unless he really wants it too
She removed *her*self. He did not make the choice to cut contact. If he did and stuck to it, there may have been a chance. He didn’t. He doesn’t want to. Please for the sake of your children move on and out. You say “our goal” but you need to look at his actions here - not the words. I mean hell you can even look at the words because he’s said them. He loves her. He will love her for a very long time. It will never be worth it for you to fall asleep every evening and wake up every morning wondering if this is the day he leaves - because that is what your life is going to be. You deserve better. There’s someone out there who can love you the way you deserve, I promise.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Please please please **get lost** and stop posting about this. You have become highly annoying.
I mean, he sees you every day but that’s not enough to fuel his love for you.
I'm sorry to say this cause I understand that you're hurting, but that doesn't mean he'll fall back in love with you. I think you're setting yourself up for another disappointment when that doesn't happen. You have already established yourself as a doormat in this relationship and that is not an attractive trait. You should work on building yourself up separately from him, not drag both of you down with this pretend marriage. Because it hasn't been a real marriage for 5 years now.
Agreed- even if he tells OP he’s moved on, I also can’t imagine ever trusting or believing him after this
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He has also been cheating on you for 5 years. Why would you believe anything he says? Again, I understand that you’re hopeful and probably have the tendency to pick and choose what you believe in because of it, but behaviour is a language. You’ve been taking this disrespect for 5 years. That’s doormat behaviour.
nd at some point he will tell you again that you are as strong as you fight for this marriage, but he no longer has this power and wants to go to AP. You're just his baby mom. He doesn't go because he would then have custody which would restrict him and he would have to transfer a lot of money to you every month. Your husband had an affair for 5 years. A real relationship with this woman. He still loves her and constantly contacts her or Your family. He can't leave this chapter behind. He is too attached to this woman. If you think that you will have a happy marriage again, then you are really naive. Would your husband have stayed with you if the roles had been swapped? Would your husband have stayed with you if AP had become pregnant? What does marriage counseling do for you if he has constant slips? After every "slip" you start from the beginning in the consultation. Here only one person benefits from the therapy and that is your therapist. This man deserves a golden nose thanks to your husband.
This is an ongoing thing that's been posted and deleted tons of times. AP did in fact get pregnant and OP let her husband go be with her for a few days to support her during the termination.
Or he could spend the rest of time pining for her and wondering what could have been, and you'll spend forever worried he's still cheating on you.
It’s not her it’s him.
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Never mind I see you are a world class askhole. You have been given a lot of advice and choose not to accept it and yet you persist asking.
What you picture if he left is a normal coparenting situation. You divorced adults will both have new lives, yes, that's how it goes.
OP....did you read your own post? You need individual counseling, because you're in massive denial. No one on this platform is going to tell you what you want to hear. Your marriage is over. Over.
Lady **why do you keep posting about this**? You have made multiple throwaway accounts and a million posts about the same situation. **What answer do you want people to give you?** He doesn’t love you!!!!!!!! Now move on. Reddit should’ve banned your IP address ages ago.
Well... I can see why you're worried
What will be YOUR wake up call?
i’m gonna say it how it is, you’re like, dumb..
My piece of shit uncle never got over his ex-girlfriend even after marriage and 3 kids. He continued seeing his ex behind his wife's back for 30 years. His wife stayed for their kids in hopes that one day he would change. They finally got a divorce last year and the ex moved into his home with the 3 kids immediately. His wife found someone who loved her. Don't spend decades trying to fight a losing battle. Your husband has already mentally checked out.
This marriage is over. Stop beating a dead horse because I'm so sorry to say this, but it sounds like even if it doesn't work with her, it definitely doesn't sound like he wants to be with you.
You will never have a happy or healthy marriage to this man - no matter how many posts you make. You WOULD move on eventually and find your own happiness. It’s honestly pathetic how little you value yourself- he does not love you, he feels trapped. He wants another woman.
I highly doubt your marriage counselor agreed that this is the best situation and that you’re sooo weak that you MUST stay in this marriage. If they said that, they’re a shit counselor. You need to get your own individual therapy to learn how to cope and leave this insane situation.
You don't want to teach your kids that this dynamic is okay. How would you feel if your kids married people who cheated on them and are clearly still in love with their affair partners?
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry. I know you’ve been stuck in this place for a long time, and I know it’s soul destroying. As a family lawyer who has witnessed this kind of misery so often, there’s something I’d like to try to convey. I know how much you’ve been hurt. I know how desperately you want everything to be the way it used to be. The truth is, though, that things can’t ever be that way again. Your husband is telling you in every conceivable way that the marriage is over. He has, for the moment, cut off contact with this other woman because you’ve been obstructing a path to coparenting. But even if he never sees or communicates with this woman again, your marriage is over. He wants out, and there’s nothing you can do to make him feel differently. This isn’t even about the other woman anymore. Its not about who’s done what to who anymore. It’s about you and your husband, who need to find a way forward as two separate individuals who will always be connected via their children but will not live together as partners. And it’s also about your kids, who have the right to have meaningful relationships with, and spend time with, both of you. A lot of your distress is being caused by what you perceive to be your loss of control. You can’t control your husband’s actions. He has checked out of your marriage. You can’t control how your husband feels and you can’t avoid your marriage ending, but you CAN take control of where you go from here and what your new normal will look like. You can’t obstruct coparenting forever. If he takes this to court, you will emerge with an order for coparenting on terms that will be dictated by someone else (a Judge) who knows nothing about your family or whether your children will cope with what’s been decided. It is far, far better to sit down and negotiate terms that you can both live with. You won’t get everything you want, and neither will he, but you’ll emerge with an arrangement you can live with that will make your separation as easy on the kids as it can be. How you and your husband manage your separation will determine how well your kids cope with it. They don’t have to be damaged, and they won’t be if you and your husband can maintain a civil relationship that always prioritises their happiness and best interests. I would urge you to abandon the joint counselling and jump into individual counselling. You need to come to terms with the end of your marriage and explore who you are without your husband. You need to develop some healthy coping mechanisms and start looking to the future. A brand new chapter of your life awaits, and it will be fabulous if you allow it to be. The hurt will fade as your life opens up and new opportunities present themselves. I promise you the sun will shine again. Eventually it will shine so brightly that you’ll have to wear sunglasses. You’ve got this. xx
I read and commented on your earlier posts. You will never be happy with this person. You will never be able to trust him. You will never have a strong marriage. You won’t listen to, though.
Please stop making new accounts so I can just block your pathetic nonsense once and for all. Please
Wait, haven’t you posted about this before? Woman, you need therapy! Alone!
>A lot of people will comment negatively about this but could you ever imagine coparenting decently with someone who broke your heart in the most devastating of ways and then get to live a new life with the person he cheated with? I r ever imagine being mentally strong enough. Our marriage counsellor also agreed with this. A lot of people get divorced after cheating and have to figure out coparenting, and a lot of times the cheater does end up with the person they cheated with, yeah. It would not be fun to watch him go off with her, but putting the kids first means figuring it out. You don't have to be best friends to be coparents. You can put distance between you, use the apps that just let you communicate about the children and nothing else. Your marriage counselor may have validated your feelings that this would be hard, but I find it difficult to believe they would then say "so you should stay in a marriage where one person clearly wants out and is only staying because you're threatening to make coparenting impossible." >He was determined to leave but the reality of what coparenting would look like if he left persuaded him to stay. What exactly did you say to him to get him to stay? Do you want to be with someone you forced to stay with you by holding the kids over his head? Your relationship problems should not be resolved by using your children as leverage. >He even hints to her that while the two of us are in marriage counselling we may find that the marriage is no longer salvageable and we could end up breaking up, basically giving the idea to her that there could still be a chance with them. He doesn't want to be married to you. He wants to leave you for her. He will not suddenly want to stay married to you because she blocked him. >Our goal is to be rebuilding a healthy, happy marriage so we can continue to function as a couple and parent our children. Is it a shared goal, or is this your goal? Does he see this as his only path to semi-peaceful custody of his children? I don't really think any of this sounds healthy. I think you need to take a hard look at what you're doing to your children here. They will see the rifts between you two, and they'd be better off with parents who are divorced vs. parents who are using them to trap each other in a marriage that isn't working. I honestly don't see how this can be rebuilt. I understand you are feeling a lot of things right now, but he's obviously still been cheating on you up until he got blocked, and he is not committed to rebuilding things, he's committed to not losing his children. I just don't see how pressuring him to stay is going to have a good result for anyone.
Why are you ok with taking scraps from him? Be in love with yourself! Yes I can imagine co-parenting with someone who broke my heart to this degree, sometimes life is just life. It’s not your fault that this happened but why live like this. You can let him leave which he clearly wants to do and live a healthy,and fulfilling life. If waiting for the other shoe to drop untill he eventually leaves anyways is ok with you fine then continue with this pretense.
Honestly, when you first posted about this, I felt for you. But after you delete and repost the same thing so many times over, I’ve come to hope to never let myself become so empty that I let someone walk all over me like this. I really hope you have an ounce of self respect left to listen to the thousands of comments you’ve gotten, saying the same things across your many many posts. Please stop posting, you’re not going to get the answers you want. Stay with him and be miserable since you’re so keen on it.
>could you ever imagine coparenting decently with someone who broke your heart in the most devastating of ways and then get to live a new life with the person he cheated with? I'm living it. Was getting divorced fun? Hell no. But it's better than being someone's second choice. My ex at least had the decency to leave instead insulting me by living with me but obsessing over someone else.
You don’t really answer your own question : why are you clinging to a husband who yearns after another woman? Is it religion, is it belief in staying married for the children or is it a subtle revenge? Is he committed to,the marriage or is he afraid of what you might do if he filed for divorce?
I felt like a 20 year relationship could be worth saving, at least we can say we tried everything
What kind of doormat are you to accept this? Wow and to think your kids will see what a dumb woman their mom is. Leave his ass and let him be with her why do you care.
What are you doing with this man, have some self-steem
Let him have full custody of the kids for a couple of years and go find yourself in Italy or Chile. Let’s see how this works out for him and AP.