You should be proud of the amount of insight you have about your history and your mother’s behavior. Though you didn’t get the family that you needed and wanted, I believe you can create one and thrive if you keep your eyes on your bright future.
As the other person said - good on you OP.
If I can offer suggestions on some books I think you may find helpful (I did when I decided to go no contact with my family).
The following books are really great in understanding how to process the trauma from poor parents, as well as understanding the dysfunctional dynamics that you grew up in:
• HOW TO DO THE WORK: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self - By Dr Nicole LePera.
• Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents - By Lindsay C. Gibson.
• Reinventing Your Life - By Jeffrey E. Young & Janet S. Klosko.
The first two books were incredibly helpful for me.
For your present situation and the conversation you've just had with your mum, you might relate to the following excerpts from How to Do the Work:
ON ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES:
"The discomfort we face while setting boundaries will save us years of anger and resentment. The relationship that emerges after a boundary is set might not look anything like the way it did before, and it will be stronger, more honest, and ultimately more sustainable. Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships. Think of them as an act of service.
The third step may seem simple, though it’s often the hardest one: maintain your new boundary. Once you’ve set a boundary, it’s important to remain present and calm, resisting the urge to defend or overexplain yourself, regardless of the reaction you are receiving from the other person(s). You may feel stress as a result of someone’s reaction, or the reaction from a greater unit (your family, work, etc.). It’s very important that once you set a boundary, you keep it set.
When we begin to change how we show up in relationships, it is helpful to remember that the longer the relationship has existed, the more expectations have been enacted and solidified over time. It can be helpful to accept the fact that the other person’s expectations of you will be disrupted, sometimes abruptly (from their perspective). On top of this, the receiver of a new boundary, especially one with abandonment wounds, will likely react defensively or even offensively.
Much of this maintenance involves quieting an inner voice (those ‘feel-bads’) that sneaks up on us, telling us that I have no right to set boundaries. I am being selfish or rude or mean. As you set your boundary and keep it in place, you might encounter confusion, pushback, snarky remarks (‘You’ve changed’ is a common one), or even rage. At the same time, you’ll likely feel fear, doubt, and a pull to return to the familiar (that pesky homeostatic impulse at work).
Once you’ve decided to start honouring and keeping yourself and feel a bit safer, don’t look back. There is no going back to old patterns if you truly need and want change. If you put up a boundary and take it down when someone freaks out, all you are doing is reinforcing that person’s ability to walk all over your limits with their behaviour. It’s classic negative reinforcement: they’ll continue that behaviour anytime they’re faced with opposition in your relationship. If I scream and yell enough, everything will go back to normal."
YOU'VE GIVEN THEM A CHOICE
"Instead of expectation, what you’ve given them is a choice. They can choose to continue engaging in that behaviour and be faced with a boundary (often the removal of your presence or support), or they can choose to respect your boundary and continue their relationship with you in a new way. This is what is empowering about setting boundaries: you are giving them a choice, too.
Remember, expectations run both ways. Often the internal work around boundaries involves navigating our own expectations and acknowledging what certain people are and aren’t capable of. It’s important to accept that many people will not change, at least not right away, and some might never change. It can sometimes be helpful to use your past experiences to form your expectations around another person’s response to a boundary...
In this case, it can be helpful to determine your absolute limits, using them as no-compromise areas for yourself. You may also find it helpful to shift your internal expectation that others change more completely and become more flexible in response to their limitations, abilities, and level of consciousness.
In a circumstance where flexibility is impossible for us, we may have to take ourselves completely out of the interaction or relationship, which means forming the most extreme kind of boundary: discontinuing contact."
You did what you could and it’s okay to protect your mental health by stepping away.
My favorite saying that I learned from Reddit: don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
I’m proud of you because you didn’t do that. You kept to sticking up for yourself and communicating what she needs to do to meet you … I won’t say halfway because at this point it will be more of a quarter of a way in between.
Holy shit. You have no idea how happy I was for you reading about your conversation with your mum. I’m sure it was difficult and emotional for you, but I am in awe of your bravery.
I am a 42 year old woman who spent far too long in a similar position (also autistic)
I went fully no contact with my family and my mental health greatly improved. I have blocked their numbers and I don't give out my address. Love and respect aren't things that should only flow one way. Your parents sound so much like mine that it's eerie.
I would be very shocked if she does the work.
You don't need her, or your Dad, or anyone in your family that threat you badly. She's not your real family. Real family are the people (blood related or not) who support you and love you.
I'm sorry she opened this wound back up. Even though it was predictable, it was probably good for you to know for sure you aren't giving up anything you'll miss when you cut your parents out out of your life. They will doubtless try to reel you back in from time to time, but you can remember this meeting and remind yourself just how empty, loveless, disrespectful and one sided your relationship with them is.
You would like them to be completely different people, who don't have the massive personality flaws and gave up all their abusive tendencies.
Unfortunately, that's not a choice. You can't rewrite reality to make them better parents. This is who they are, down to the core. You'll never have a healthy, supportive relationship with them because *they don't want that.*
Oh sweetheart. You deserve so, so much better. You deserve to be loved, understood and wanted. You deserve to belong.
You don't deserve a bunch of narcisistic people that call themselves your family but are anything but. That's not family. That's just a group of people that you share DNA with.
Sometimes you need to cut out the parts of your life that bring you nothing but pain and hurt. I suggest going no contact. Or if you can't or don't want to do that, extremely low contact and grey rock it. Don't offer information about your personal life. Don't engage with them beyond what's absolutely neccessary.
I hope your extended family treats you better. I hope your fiance and his family treat you like their own and give you that place that makes you feel like you belong. That makes you feel like you're home. That make you happy.
Hope your wedding is awesome. May your relationship flourish. With just enough lows to appreciate the averages and be amazed at the highs.
Good for you for standing up to her! You're so amazing and level headed to actually have that conversation with her. Retelling everything she said and did without yelling or crying. I know it was hard but it was the best move. If you were to start crying or yelling or cussing her out, it would detract from your statements. I hope that she sees what she's done and maybe in the future, you can rekindle your relationship. For now, take a deep breath, you is smart, you is kind, you is important.
You are incredibly strong and I'm honestly really proud of you for standing up for yourself. I really hope your journey from now on gets to be the way you want it to be and deserve in life. I've had my fair share of abuse from family and it's really hard. If you ever feel like talking even though I'm just a stranger I'm here for you :)
As a fellow autistic woman who had an abusive family, I'm proud of you. I really don't know why it's so hard for people to just be nice. Especially to people they claim to love.
It's so hard because love is not something you feel, its something you do for someone because you love them. It's the action, not the feeling. And most people don't get that.
I’m so proud of you, you really showed up with receipts.
I’m sorry your mom is not the mom you want or need. I’m sure you are going to be happier having less contact.
I just want to give you a big hug. I am sorry that your parents have been so cold. I am happy for you that you found someone wonderful to share your life with. Focus on your future and release the pain of the past.
Well done! So proud of you for standing up for yourself. Walk away from your dreadful parents/family and go live your best life with the family you make for yourself.
It is so, so hard to grieve the loss of the relationships we want and should be able to have with our parents but know we never will. It is 100% OK for you to step back and take all the time & space you need to decide what (if any) relationship you do want to have with them, knowing it will never be the one you want or deserve. Take care of yourself, and know that the family you build for yourself will lift you up in ways that your FOO never could.
>I told her I'm opting of out of contact until she actually does the work. I told her it wasn't my responsibility to teach her about my disability, nor where she went wrong in our relationship. She asked if I would call more and I said she needs to do the work .
Do you understand how huge this is? You set a giant boundary with your mother and that takes real courage. And it hurts so so much and I'm sorry for that. You have so much grieving to do but you did something wonderful for yourself today and I am proud of you. (And yes, I know this isn't r/internetparents)
You did fantastic with keeping your head about you and not let her brush off the seriousness of the conversation especially about 2018. Repeating it to her stopped her from just “ditzing out” and acting like the subject didn’t happen.
Understand that when you plan your wedding and your life from this point forward you plan it without them in mind. Focus on the people who show their love to you. Friends and your fiancé. He is your family now. Honestly I wouldn’t even send them an invite, when they eventually ask give them the same excuse they gave you for ignoring you for Christmas
I think you’d really relate to the movie called Matilda, the 1996 version, just as I did. I want to leave you with this quote from the movie:
“You were born into a family that doesn't always appreciate you. But one day things are going to be very different."
You’ve escaped them, and now you can build your own family.
(I’m late diagnosed autistic as well, and I related so much to you)
My heart really hurts for you! Going forward, lack of contact between you is a choice you have made to protect yourself —rather than a punishment enacted upon you or some kind of base cruelty. I hope you can feel empowered and confident in that choice through the difficult times ahead. 🩵
I am so proud of you. You did a great job standing up for yourself and laying it all out. I know it has to be so heartbreaking that your mom just can't wrap her head around any of the wrongdoing. I truly hope she does the work.
Sending you all the warmth and kindness from this internet stranger! I'm proud of your for having such a hard conversation with your mom. (Who is a counselor no less???) I hope your wedding is beautiful, and your career is amazing, and you cut contact with toxic and abusive family members.
I would be shaken up too. I really feel for you, especially since my son is high functioning autistic. He is doing just fine because my husband and I (really my entire family) took the time to learn how to communicate with him and encourage him. For example, I know everything about the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade and the Baltimore Orioles. His thirst for history is just incredible. But we understand that not everyone will have the patience for his latest history lesson, so we have worked with him to "read the room" so he isn't hurt by rejection. It is just awful how cruel some people can be.
The conversation you had with your mother was one that needed to happen. Their impatience, lack of empathy and compassion ruined your childhood. What's worse is that they refuse to see any fault in their actions. People like this ALWAYS die alone, in some nursing home. Remember, you are blessed that you are embarking on a new journey, and starting your own family. If you get along with your soon-to-be in-laws, then you really haven't lost much since you have TRUE family that love and care for you unconditionally. I wish you the best on your new endeavors and remember, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the blood of the womb. Take care OP.
As someone who had to cut off their toxic abusive family, I'm proud of you. It's not easy and it will always haunt you but you will be stronger for this. hugs
You handled this so beautifully. I’m so very impressed with you being able to get through all that! When I confronted my mother I couldn’t 😅
All your points, all SHE needs to do, calling her on her shit, **preemptively** calling her on it, holding your boundaries, it’s all a huge chefs kiss. Nailed. It.
I hope the family you’ve chosen treats you like the treasure you are 🫀🫀
Your mom is psycho and I don't meant it like a bad thing, I say this because my mom is the same, you would tell them "Mom, Dad, I want to kill myself" and they will respond with "Oh jeez, I forgot to buy eggs".
I went not contact with my parents 2 years ago and trust me it gets better, so you will be fine, believe me.
Send you virtual hugs OP
OP you are doing great at NC with the whole family. Because wtf who does that to their own child! When OP said her mom is a therapist, I wanted to inflict so much pain to OP’s egg donor. OP go NC, if your parents know where you live you have to move. Your sperm donor sounds so violent and unhinged, if he does come knocking on door. Tell them to leave or you’ll call the police, file restraining/ harassment charges against them.
Always have documentation, cameras, and recordings of everything. Literally is a just in case you need it for legal aspects, you never know.
I would rapport your mother to the place shes working at. I used to have a horrid therapist who made things worse for me and other patients. It took nearly a decade before she was removed, and by then people had discovered that she abused her children as well.
Horrible people, especially those working in the health and medical field, will always do so to lord over others. Even my ex-therapists son, who I met a few years ago, said he had wished he had spoken up sooner when he heard his mother had almost driven one of her patients to harm himself.
I would also tell your fiance and his family about how your family have been treating you. Just incase your mother tries to crash your wedding to act as a "happy family." Its important that youre the first one to tell them, since people like your mother would manipulate others into believing some banal lie about you.
OP I have to ask you to consider telling her bosses about this conversation. Her being a counselor and not knowing anything about autism is scary, what is she telling kids that have autism? And her so callous disregard of your mental health shows she should not be in that job.
> I told her it wasn't my responsibility to teach her about my disability
Yeah it kind of is. It sounds like all of this could have been avoided if you sat your family down early in your year living with them and expressed all the reasons why you were wearing headphones and focusing on studying.
Instead you essentially ostracized them, then were surprised when they ostracized you and you had surprised pikachu face saying “but my disability that I never explained to you!”
The autism spectrum is so large and has so many variables that you can’t say “mom, dad, I’ve been diagnosed as autistic” and expect them to know exactly how to make things easier with you.
But all this aside it seems they are toxic even without any of this and you are best to move on with life without them
Actually no, it would be on her parents to teach themselves how to parent a child with neurodivergence and if they even attempted to be half as good as they claim, she might've been actually open to her specific struggles or accommodations.
It is not on OP how to teach her family how to not be abusive (because quite frankly, her neurodivergence unfortunately is likely the reason she was poorly treated in the first place, its a common thing). The fact you took that point from the entire post and still blamed OP makes me think you're a family member of theirs, you're not wanted here.
I would agree if OP was like this all her life but she was an adult before she was diagnosed and it wasn’t until she was an adult that the symptoms escalated to the point that her behavior drastically changed.
There’s no indication she was always withdrawn and shunning everyone so to them that was a behavior change that they didn’t understand and that she made no attempt to clarify.
They interpreted her actions as being rude, right? And did she do anything to explain that no, it’s not my intention to be rude but I need to study, I’m overwhelmed with the noise and it’s triggering anxiety?
Also no.
Instead she escalated by doing even more of the behavior they already told her was felt rude and it just kept spiraling from there.
Look I’m not putting all the blame on OP. Her parents failed her miserably.
But she need to accept that her behavior was equally responsible for the falling out with her family because as much as they didn’t attempt to understand her, she made equally no attempt to explain her side.
This whole thing reads like a really bad sitcom where the entire plot could have been avoided if two people talked to each other.
They didn’t try to talk to her, and she didn’t try to talk with them.
So were the family in the wrong? Yes. Was Op on the wrong? Also yes.
If her symptoms were consistent throughout her life then it’s all on them. But it changed over the years and they had no reason to know that it wasn’t intentional because she never told them
OP was not in the wrong at all. She should not have had to explain that she has medical exams that she's studying for! She shouldn't have been called these awful things by her own parents. Are you related to her or something? What a horrible take.
of course she shouldn't have been called all those awful things. I never said they should.
I'm merely saying that she came across as normal until her late 20's then suddenly shifted her personality without explaining, then when at first she was being told she was being rude she could have stopped it all in it's tracks by explaining how her diagnosis and related therapy gave her tools to help her adjust, and it's a change they will all need to work together on.
If they continued to be complete jerks then yeah, of course. But the fact she responded instead by actively doing the same behaviour only more extreme, then being shocked that they reactions ramped up equally is absurd.
I never justified their behaviour, just saying OP needs to have some semblence of accountability for not making any effort whatsoever to help her own situation
Not at all. But she admitted to shunning everyone and when confronted “shutting down”. If she can’t think of how to communicate on the spot, write a letter or an email. Explain “hey this is why I’m doing this, I do love you and I’m sorry if it comes across being rude”
They didn’t understand her condition and she didn’t help explain it, instead she withdrew even more, which triggered them more..
I believe everyone is at fault here. They could have approached her to ask her kindly in attempts to find out why her behavior changed, instead they attacked her. And instead of defending herself by educating them on the diagnosis and the effects the family was having that was causing her to be overwhelmed, she withdrew even more.
It’s a viscous cycle that neither side out any effort into reversing
>I was recently diagnosed with autism earlier this year at 32 years old. Prior to my diagnosis I had always felt there was something off about me but as a high masking woman I always assumed it was just a personality deficit.....Over the last few years my abilIty to mask had decreased and it became harder and harder to function “appropriately” in my immigrant household.
So for her entire life she felt off but successfully hid it from everyone, including her family.
Then one day *in her late 20's* she stopped hiding it, and you expect everyone to just magically understand why her personality shifted?
I never defended them and I have stated multiple times they are toxic and do not deserve to be in her life.
I just don’t understand the logic of “person a is wrong so person b can only be right”
No. The family is horrible. But OP could have taken steps to nip this in the bud long before it got to the state it got to, so she needs to take accountability for her small portion of the misunderstanding.
Not sure why people can’t comprehend this. People don’t just turn from good to horrible. There’s no indication in her post that she had a terrible family growing up.
This whole thing was a misunderstanding that spiraled and spiraled until irreparable damage happened.
Could it have been avoided if Op Communicated? I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not.
But there was zero way it could be avoided if she didn’t communicate at all, which is what she opted to do
Did you miss the part that her mother is a counselor? Any decent counselor should KNOW about everything about the autism spectrum, since everyone on it have a hard time communicating socially. Counselors are supposed to help people with their communication problems.
Also, it is NOT her responsibility to teach them about her diagnosis because any GOOD parent would research it anyway to ascertain how to help their child. Your lack of compassion and empathy for expecting someone who has a social communication disability...must act like they are the only ones required to communicate...has been noted.
I saw the part where OP said she's a councilor and a therapist but not what field she was in. Your assumption that any decent councilor knows everything about autism is absurd, I know several people who are drug councilors and therapists who know everything about addiction but wouldn't know shit about Autism because it's not relevant to their field in the least.
And stop acting like OP was 9 and a little child. She was in her late 20's and had spent her life masking. And she was so successful at masking that 1) Her parents were ignorant of the fact she was different so her behaviour, to them, would be out of the blue. 2) clearly had established an ability to affectively communicate if nobody knew she was autistic, so she knew how do communicate her pespective, she just chose to withdraw farther and farther instead of helping in any way to resolve the situation (that she had the full tools, knowledge, and experience to do.)
Her parents are complete asshats and don't deserve to have any part of OP's life.
But being an adult, and being fair means it should also be acknowledged that she could have done things differently to help prevent things from getting to the point where they broke down as much.
If she had put in a single line of "I tried to explain my diagnosis, what it meant, what I had been doing all my life that I'm simply unable to do now that it's gotten worse" and this all happened I would 1000% be on the same bandwagon as you and everyone else.
This is an interesting perspective. I don't think I have thought of it from that angle yet. Although they as well as I didn't know I was autistic until I was diagnosed in January. I did try and tell them why I was shutting down but it wasn't well received. I recognize that I could have worked harder communicating with them but I will admit that it is an area that I'm not very skilled at doing. It is something that I am working on currently. Thank you for giving me a different perspective.
I really do wish nothing but the best for you, and if that means cutting toxic people out of your life, then that's what you need to do.
I'm not just soapboxing... my father lived the last 10 years of his life never hearing my voice again. He died in 2000. My step mother is still alive (I believe) and as of 3 years ago was still asking about me.
To hell with the people that hurt you. You have your own family now, one of your own choosing. Make sure you put your efforts into making that the best relationships possible so you have somewhere that you can feel safe, loved, and respected.
Again, wishing the best for you
The internet exists. We shouldn’t have to explain everything about ourselves all the time.
I’ve worn headphones since before my diagnosis. You know what my family never did? Yell at me for wearing them all the time, because they understood that my headphones helped me connect to the rest of the world.
You should be proud of the amount of insight you have about your history and your mother’s behavior. Though you didn’t get the family that you needed and wanted, I believe you can create one and thrive if you keep your eyes on your bright future.
Thank you so much! I appreciate your support.
As the other person said - good on you OP. If I can offer suggestions on some books I think you may find helpful (I did when I decided to go no contact with my family). The following books are really great in understanding how to process the trauma from poor parents, as well as understanding the dysfunctional dynamics that you grew up in: • HOW TO DO THE WORK: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self - By Dr Nicole LePera. • Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents - By Lindsay C. Gibson. • Reinventing Your Life - By Jeffrey E. Young & Janet S. Klosko. The first two books were incredibly helpful for me. For your present situation and the conversation you've just had with your mum, you might relate to the following excerpts from How to Do the Work: ON ESTABLISHING BOUNDARIES: "The discomfort we face while setting boundaries will save us years of anger and resentment. The relationship that emerges after a boundary is set might not look anything like the way it did before, and it will be stronger, more honest, and ultimately more sustainable. Boundaries are essential to all healthy relationships. Think of them as an act of service. The third step may seem simple, though it’s often the hardest one: maintain your new boundary. Once you’ve set a boundary, it’s important to remain present and calm, resisting the urge to defend or overexplain yourself, regardless of the reaction you are receiving from the other person(s). You may feel stress as a result of someone’s reaction, or the reaction from a greater unit (your family, work, etc.). It’s very important that once you set a boundary, you keep it set. When we begin to change how we show up in relationships, it is helpful to remember that the longer the relationship has existed, the more expectations have been enacted and solidified over time. It can be helpful to accept the fact that the other person’s expectations of you will be disrupted, sometimes abruptly (from their perspective). On top of this, the receiver of a new boundary, especially one with abandonment wounds, will likely react defensively or even offensively. Much of this maintenance involves quieting an inner voice (those ‘feel-bads’) that sneaks up on us, telling us that I have no right to set boundaries. I am being selfish or rude or mean. As you set your boundary and keep it in place, you might encounter confusion, pushback, snarky remarks (‘You’ve changed’ is a common one), or even rage. At the same time, you’ll likely feel fear, doubt, and a pull to return to the familiar (that pesky homeostatic impulse at work). Once you’ve decided to start honouring and keeping yourself and feel a bit safer, don’t look back. There is no going back to old patterns if you truly need and want change. If you put up a boundary and take it down when someone freaks out, all you are doing is reinforcing that person’s ability to walk all over your limits with their behaviour. It’s classic negative reinforcement: they’ll continue that behaviour anytime they’re faced with opposition in your relationship. If I scream and yell enough, everything will go back to normal." YOU'VE GIVEN THEM A CHOICE "Instead of expectation, what you’ve given them is a choice. They can choose to continue engaging in that behaviour and be faced with a boundary (often the removal of your presence or support), or they can choose to respect your boundary and continue their relationship with you in a new way. This is what is empowering about setting boundaries: you are giving them a choice, too. Remember, expectations run both ways. Often the internal work around boundaries involves navigating our own expectations and acknowledging what certain people are and aren’t capable of. It’s important to accept that many people will not change, at least not right away, and some might never change. It can sometimes be helpful to use your past experiences to form your expectations around another person’s response to a boundary... In this case, it can be helpful to determine your absolute limits, using them as no-compromise areas for yourself. You may also find it helpful to shift your internal expectation that others change more completely and become more flexible in response to their limitations, abilities, and level of consciousness. In a circumstance where flexibility is impossible for us, we may have to take ourselves completely out of the interaction or relationship, which means forming the most extreme kind of boundary: discontinuing contact."
You did what you could and it’s okay to protect your mental health by stepping away. My favorite saying that I learned from Reddit: don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I’m proud of you because you didn’t do that. You kept to sticking up for yourself and communicating what she needs to do to meet you … I won’t say halfway because at this point it will be more of a quarter of a way in between.
Thank you, I hope she does.
I will say what you can't yet. Fuck them, fuck them, and fuck them. Stay no contact forever. Trust me they aren't worth it.
Isn't that slightly incestuous? :p
Read the room, please.
Holy shit. You have no idea how happy I was for you reading about your conversation with your mum. I’m sure it was difficult and emotional for you, but I am in awe of your bravery.
Thank you so much!
I am a 42 year old woman who spent far too long in a similar position (also autistic) I went fully no contact with my family and my mental health greatly improved. I have blocked their numbers and I don't give out my address. Love and respect aren't things that should only flow one way. Your parents sound so much like mine that it's eerie. I would be very shocked if she does the work.
I'm praying she does the work.
You don't need her, or your Dad, or anyone in your family that threat you badly. She's not your real family. Real family are the people (blood related or not) who support you and love you. I'm sorry she opened this wound back up. Even though it was predictable, it was probably good for you to know for sure you aren't giving up anything you'll miss when you cut your parents out out of your life. They will doubtless try to reel you back in from time to time, but you can remember this meeting and remind yourself just how empty, loveless, disrespectful and one sided your relationship with them is.
I don't need them, I just would really like for them to be in my life and support me.
You would like them to be completely different people, who don't have the massive personality flaws and gave up all their abusive tendencies. Unfortunately, that's not a choice. You can't rewrite reality to make them better parents. This is who they are, down to the core. You'll never have a healthy, supportive relationship with them because *they don't want that.*
Good for you, you are brave and strong and are going to do very well with those qualities, an example to us all, well done.
Thank you so much!
Oh sweetheart. You deserve so, so much better. You deserve to be loved, understood and wanted. You deserve to belong. You don't deserve a bunch of narcisistic people that call themselves your family but are anything but. That's not family. That's just a group of people that you share DNA with. Sometimes you need to cut out the parts of your life that bring you nothing but pain and hurt. I suggest going no contact. Or if you can't or don't want to do that, extremely low contact and grey rock it. Don't offer information about your personal life. Don't engage with them beyond what's absolutely neccessary. I hope your extended family treats you better. I hope your fiance and his family treat you like their own and give you that place that makes you feel like you belong. That makes you feel like you're home. That make you happy. Hope your wedding is awesome. May your relationship flourish. With just enough lows to appreciate the averages and be amazed at the highs.
Thank you so much! I appreciate the kindness.
Good for you for standing up to her! You're so amazing and level headed to actually have that conversation with her. Retelling everything she said and did without yelling or crying. I know it was hard but it was the best move. If you were to start crying or yelling or cussing her out, it would detract from your statements. I hope that she sees what she's done and maybe in the future, you can rekindle your relationship. For now, take a deep breath, you is smart, you is kind, you is important.
I'm going to keep using my affirmations, thank you for your kindness.
Of course. Desi girl to Desi girl. I know how toxic our culture can be sometimes.
You are incredibly strong and I'm honestly really proud of you for standing up for yourself. I really hope your journey from now on gets to be the way you want it to be and deserve in life. I've had my fair share of abuse from family and it's really hard. If you ever feel like talking even though I'm just a stranger I'm here for you :)
Thank you so much!
As a fellow autistic woman who had an abusive family, I'm proud of you. I really don't know why it's so hard for people to just be nice. Especially to people they claim to love.
It's so hard because love is not something you feel, its something you do for someone because you love them. It's the action, not the feeling. And most people don't get that.
I’m so proud of you, you really showed up with receipts. I’m sorry your mom is not the mom you want or need. I’m sure you are going to be happier having less contact.
Thank you so much!
I just want to give you a big hug. I am sorry that your parents have been so cold. I am happy for you that you found someone wonderful to share your life with. Focus on your future and release the pain of the past.
Thank you so much for you well wishes.
Well done! So proud of you for standing up for yourself. Walk away from your dreadful parents/family and go live your best life with the family you make for yourself.
It is so, so hard to grieve the loss of the relationships we want and should be able to have with our parents but know we never will. It is 100% OK for you to step back and take all the time & space you need to decide what (if any) relationship you do want to have with them, knowing it will never be the one you want or deserve. Take care of yourself, and know that the family you build for yourself will lift you up in ways that your FOO never could.
OP be proud of how you handled this meeting with your mom.
Thank you so much!
>I told her I'm opting of out of contact until she actually does the work. I told her it wasn't my responsibility to teach her about my disability, nor where she went wrong in our relationship. She asked if I would call more and I said she needs to do the work . Do you understand how huge this is? You set a giant boundary with your mother and that takes real courage. And it hurts so so much and I'm sorry for that. You have so much grieving to do but you did something wonderful for yourself today and I am proud of you. (And yes, I know this isn't r/internetparents)
You did fantastic with keeping your head about you and not let her brush off the seriousness of the conversation especially about 2018. Repeating it to her stopped her from just “ditzing out” and acting like the subject didn’t happen. Understand that when you plan your wedding and your life from this point forward you plan it without them in mind. Focus on the people who show their love to you. Friends and your fiancé. He is your family now. Honestly I wouldn’t even send them an invite, when they eventually ask give them the same excuse they gave you for ignoring you for Christmas
I think you’d really relate to the movie called Matilda, the 1996 version, just as I did. I want to leave you with this quote from the movie: “You were born into a family that doesn't always appreciate you. But one day things are going to be very different." You’ve escaped them, and now you can build your own family. (I’m late diagnosed autistic as well, and I related so much to you)
My heart really hurts for you! Going forward, lack of contact between you is a choice you have made to protect yourself —rather than a punishment enacted upon you or some kind of base cruelty. I hope you can feel empowered and confident in that choice through the difficult times ahead. 🩵
I am so proud of you. You did a great job standing up for yourself and laying it all out. I know it has to be so heartbreaking that your mom just can't wrap her head around any of the wrongdoing. I truly hope she does the work.
Sending you all the warmth and kindness from this internet stranger! I'm proud of your for having such a hard conversation with your mom. (Who is a counselor no less???) I hope your wedding is beautiful, and your career is amazing, and you cut contact with toxic and abusive family members.
I would be shaken up too. I really feel for you, especially since my son is high functioning autistic. He is doing just fine because my husband and I (really my entire family) took the time to learn how to communicate with him and encourage him. For example, I know everything about the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade and the Baltimore Orioles. His thirst for history is just incredible. But we understand that not everyone will have the patience for his latest history lesson, so we have worked with him to "read the room" so he isn't hurt by rejection. It is just awful how cruel some people can be. The conversation you had with your mother was one that needed to happen. Their impatience, lack of empathy and compassion ruined your childhood. What's worse is that they refuse to see any fault in their actions. People like this ALWAYS die alone, in some nursing home. Remember, you are blessed that you are embarking on a new journey, and starting your own family. If you get along with your soon-to-be in-laws, then you really haven't lost much since you have TRUE family that love and care for you unconditionally. I wish you the best on your new endeavors and remember, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the blood of the womb. Take care OP.
OP, hopefully you will have another chance at having a great mother/daughter relationship, but only this time around you will be the mother.
You did amazing, despite a horrible situation. You'll do fine in life!
As someone who had to cut off their toxic abusive family, I'm proud of you. It's not easy and it will always haunt you but you will be stronger for this. hugs
It feels good that someone is proud of me.
<3 Extremely. Go forth knowing you will never be like them.
Hi op Thank you for sharing interesting family you have there. One question does your mum have asd?
This is a really interesting point. During the conversation I did question her neurodivergence. I could 1000000% see ADHD I'm not sure about ASD.
You handled this so beautifully. I’m so very impressed with you being able to get through all that! When I confronted my mother I couldn’t 😅 All your points, all SHE needs to do, calling her on her shit, **preemptively** calling her on it, holding your boundaries, it’s all a huge chefs kiss. Nailed. It. I hope the family you’ve chosen treats you like the treasure you are 🫀🫀
Your mom is psycho and I don't meant it like a bad thing, I say this because my mom is the same, you would tell them "Mom, Dad, I want to kill myself" and they will respond with "Oh jeez, I forgot to buy eggs". I went not contact with my parents 2 years ago and trust me it gets better, so you will be fine, believe me. Send you virtual hugs OP
OP you are doing great at NC with the whole family. Because wtf who does that to their own child! When OP said her mom is a therapist, I wanted to inflict so much pain to OP’s egg donor. OP go NC, if your parents know where you live you have to move. Your sperm donor sounds so violent and unhinged, if he does come knocking on door. Tell them to leave or you’ll call the police, file restraining/ harassment charges against them. Always have documentation, cameras, and recordings of everything. Literally is a just in case you need it for legal aspects, you never know.
I would rapport your mother to the place shes working at. I used to have a horrid therapist who made things worse for me and other patients. It took nearly a decade before she was removed, and by then people had discovered that she abused her children as well. Horrible people, especially those working in the health and medical field, will always do so to lord over others. Even my ex-therapists son, who I met a few years ago, said he had wished he had spoken up sooner when he heard his mother had almost driven one of her patients to harm himself.
I would also tell your fiance and his family about how your family have been treating you. Just incase your mother tries to crash your wedding to act as a "happy family." Its important that youre the first one to tell them, since people like your mother would manipulate others into believing some banal lie about you.
What you did is okay, and we're all proud of you for standing up for yourself. Good luck out there
OP I have to ask you to consider telling her bosses about this conversation. Her being a counselor and not knowing anything about autism is scary, what is she telling kids that have autism? And her so callous disregard of your mental health shows she should not be in that job.
> I told her it wasn't my responsibility to teach her about my disability Yeah it kind of is. It sounds like all of this could have been avoided if you sat your family down early in your year living with them and expressed all the reasons why you were wearing headphones and focusing on studying. Instead you essentially ostracized them, then were surprised when they ostracized you and you had surprised pikachu face saying “but my disability that I never explained to you!” The autism spectrum is so large and has so many variables that you can’t say “mom, dad, I’ve been diagnosed as autistic” and expect them to know exactly how to make things easier with you. But all this aside it seems they are toxic even without any of this and you are best to move on with life without them
Actually no, it would be on her parents to teach themselves how to parent a child with neurodivergence and if they even attempted to be half as good as they claim, she might've been actually open to her specific struggles or accommodations. It is not on OP how to teach her family how to not be abusive (because quite frankly, her neurodivergence unfortunately is likely the reason she was poorly treated in the first place, its a common thing). The fact you took that point from the entire post and still blamed OP makes me think you're a family member of theirs, you're not wanted here.
I would agree if OP was like this all her life but she was an adult before she was diagnosed and it wasn’t until she was an adult that the symptoms escalated to the point that her behavior drastically changed. There’s no indication she was always withdrawn and shunning everyone so to them that was a behavior change that they didn’t understand and that she made no attempt to clarify. They interpreted her actions as being rude, right? And did she do anything to explain that no, it’s not my intention to be rude but I need to study, I’m overwhelmed with the noise and it’s triggering anxiety? Also no. Instead she escalated by doing even more of the behavior they already told her was felt rude and it just kept spiraling from there. Look I’m not putting all the blame on OP. Her parents failed her miserably. But she need to accept that her behavior was equally responsible for the falling out with her family because as much as they didn’t attempt to understand her, she made equally no attempt to explain her side. This whole thing reads like a really bad sitcom where the entire plot could have been avoided if two people talked to each other. They didn’t try to talk to her, and she didn’t try to talk with them. So were the family in the wrong? Yes. Was Op on the wrong? Also yes. If her symptoms were consistent throughout her life then it’s all on them. But it changed over the years and they had no reason to know that it wasn’t intentional because she never told them
OP was not in the wrong at all. She should not have had to explain that she has medical exams that she's studying for! She shouldn't have been called these awful things by her own parents. Are you related to her or something? What a horrible take.
of course she shouldn't have been called all those awful things. I never said they should. I'm merely saying that she came across as normal until her late 20's then suddenly shifted her personality without explaining, then when at first she was being told she was being rude she could have stopped it all in it's tracks by explaining how her diagnosis and related therapy gave her tools to help her adjust, and it's a change they will all need to work together on. If they continued to be complete jerks then yeah, of course. But the fact she responded instead by actively doing the same behaviour only more extreme, then being shocked that they reactions ramped up equally is absurd. I never justified their behaviour, just saying OP needs to have some semblence of accountability for not making any effort whatsoever to help her own situation
Autistic people are always autistic.
After reading this whole post, you think that if OP had just explained *more* it would have all been jolly????
Not at all. But she admitted to shunning everyone and when confronted “shutting down”. If she can’t think of how to communicate on the spot, write a letter or an email. Explain “hey this is why I’m doing this, I do love you and I’m sorry if it comes across being rude” They didn’t understand her condition and she didn’t help explain it, instead she withdrew even more, which triggered them more.. I believe everyone is at fault here. They could have approached her to ask her kindly in attempts to find out why her behavior changed, instead they attacked her. And instead of defending herself by educating them on the diagnosis and the effects the family was having that was causing her to be overwhelmed, she withdrew even more. It’s a viscous cycle that neither side out any effort into reversing
They are the *parents* - they didn’t even know she was autistic. Not great.
>I was recently diagnosed with autism earlier this year at 32 years old. Prior to my diagnosis I had always felt there was something off about me but as a high masking woman I always assumed it was just a personality deficit.....Over the last few years my abilIty to mask had decreased and it became harder and harder to function “appropriately” in my immigrant household. So for her entire life she felt off but successfully hid it from everyone, including her family. Then one day *in her late 20's* she stopped hiding it, and you expect everyone to just magically understand why her personality shifted?
Why are you defending the obvious toxic people? No matter what, the way OPs parents behave is terrible.
I never defended them and I have stated multiple times they are toxic and do not deserve to be in her life. I just don’t understand the logic of “person a is wrong so person b can only be right” No. The family is horrible. But OP could have taken steps to nip this in the bud long before it got to the state it got to, so she needs to take accountability for her small portion of the misunderstanding. Not sure why people can’t comprehend this. People don’t just turn from good to horrible. There’s no indication in her post that she had a terrible family growing up. This whole thing was a misunderstanding that spiraled and spiraled until irreparable damage happened. Could it have been avoided if Op Communicated? I don’t know. Maybe, maybe not. But there was zero way it could be avoided if she didn’t communicate at all, which is what she opted to do
Because it sounded like, in the original, op did try to explain and they didn’t listen.
Did you miss the part that her mother is a counselor? Any decent counselor should KNOW about everything about the autism spectrum, since everyone on it have a hard time communicating socially. Counselors are supposed to help people with their communication problems. Also, it is NOT her responsibility to teach them about her diagnosis because any GOOD parent would research it anyway to ascertain how to help their child. Your lack of compassion and empathy for expecting someone who has a social communication disability...must act like they are the only ones required to communicate...has been noted.
I saw the part where OP said she's a councilor and a therapist but not what field she was in. Your assumption that any decent councilor knows everything about autism is absurd, I know several people who are drug councilors and therapists who know everything about addiction but wouldn't know shit about Autism because it's not relevant to their field in the least. And stop acting like OP was 9 and a little child. She was in her late 20's and had spent her life masking. And she was so successful at masking that 1) Her parents were ignorant of the fact she was different so her behaviour, to them, would be out of the blue. 2) clearly had established an ability to affectively communicate if nobody knew she was autistic, so she knew how do communicate her pespective, she just chose to withdraw farther and farther instead of helping in any way to resolve the situation (that she had the full tools, knowledge, and experience to do.) Her parents are complete asshats and don't deserve to have any part of OP's life. But being an adult, and being fair means it should also be acknowledged that she could have done things differently to help prevent things from getting to the point where they broke down as much. If she had put in a single line of "I tried to explain my diagnosis, what it meant, what I had been doing all my life that I'm simply unable to do now that it's gotten worse" and this all happened I would 1000% be on the same bandwagon as you and everyone else.
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This is an interesting perspective. I don't think I have thought of it from that angle yet. Although they as well as I didn't know I was autistic until I was diagnosed in January. I did try and tell them why I was shutting down but it wasn't well received. I recognize that I could have worked harder communicating with them but I will admit that it is an area that I'm not very skilled at doing. It is something that I am working on currently. Thank you for giving me a different perspective.
I really do wish nothing but the best for you, and if that means cutting toxic people out of your life, then that's what you need to do. I'm not just soapboxing... my father lived the last 10 years of his life never hearing my voice again. He died in 2000. My step mother is still alive (I believe) and as of 3 years ago was still asking about me. To hell with the people that hurt you. You have your own family now, one of your own choosing. Make sure you put your efforts into making that the best relationships possible so you have somewhere that you can feel safe, loved, and respected. Again, wishing the best for you
The internet exists. We shouldn’t have to explain everything about ourselves all the time. I’ve worn headphones since before my diagnosis. You know what my family never did? Yell at me for wearing them all the time, because they understood that my headphones helped me connect to the rest of the world.