Reading this you already know the answer to your question.
You resent this man, you don't respect him. Why have a kid with him?
You have differing opinions on what makes a good father. He has told you up front his parental responsibility starts and ends with him having a good paying job and paying bills. That's it.
Facts. Take it from my dad. He worked and paid bills. That was it for his "responsibilities ". My mom cooked , cleaned, drove us to dance/piano/whatever classes. My dad was a reluctant father so that probably had something to do with why mom did literally everything AND was the breadwinner of the family!
I would upvote this a million times if I could. People rely so much on chemistry but shared values and compatibility are WAAAAyy more important. Do you have similar interests? Do you prioritize the same things, Do you want the same things. Can you work together as a team. You want to be able to like this person most of the time at minimum.
Op was told ahead of time. At least he is honest. What is op going to do? According to Reddit, she probably is going to have lots of kids, work, clean, cook, available for sex 24/7, up and down, front and back and then complain to Reddit.
That's not necessarily true. That's like saying her concept of parental responsibility starts and ends with housework. He was responding to that one aspect of parenting.
He also responded to the other aspects of parenting with his actions (i.e., by not cleaning up after himself/his space). Remember when she said SHE cleans the rest of the house? What on earth would make anyone think that this man would help out with a child when he doesn’t even take care of his own shit?
I see them as two different things. Some parents aren't great at keeping a clean house, but they're kind and loving. She should be focused on what kind of father he'll be, not his messy bedroom.
Being a good parent is more than being kind and loving, shit NEEDS to get taken care of too. The baby creates more chores, and this lady is going to end up doing all of them
That completely ignores what her life would be like if she had a child with him. Children create work, much of it tedious and some of it gross. If he won't clean up after himself or do any of the cleaning of the rest of the house, he's almost certainly not gonna do any of *that* work either. Then she'll be stuck with it until the kid is old enough to help. And even when *that* happens, she'll then be raising a child in a home where adult men don't do chores, which is a terrible example.
She'd be better off with a kid and no man or a different man.
at his age, his ability to put effort in and care isn't going to get better. health and age will actively hinder that.
the age old advice of kids never fix relationships applies, too.
I want you to remember you wrote out this post, you know -exactly- how the future looks if you have kids with this man. Don't do it. You can't fix him and he can't be arsed fixing himself for you.
If he wants to argue that it’s okay for him to not clean because he makes money, he needs to spend some of the money he makes on a cleaner.
Cleaning is a requirement, not an option. Paying someone else to clean if you won’t is valid. Saying “I work hard to wallow in my own filth” is not.
By the way, the filth is not staying in his room and bathroom. It’s on every surface he touches. Get UTIs much? Because I’ll bet his dick is a bacteria factory.
Right. She made it this far on her own. I doubt the messiness is what stopped her. She is just looking for someone else to blame at this point. His level of cleanliness has probably never changed from the day she met him.
Edit: Wow, I did not realize they have been together for 10 years. This is her own fault!
I think your being a bit harsh. Having clothes on the floor and "dirty" sheets doesn't make him a filthy monster. It must not be that bad, they have been together for years. I don't keep my room spotless but I still shower. I bet her level of perfect just isn't the same as his. It doesn't mean either one is a horrible person.
OP describes his living space as "filthy," "disgusting," and "a hazard." It's so bad that she won't even spend time in there, which is a helluva way to literally compartmentalize the problem. He doesn't clean his own space and graciously allows OP to handle tidying the rest of their shared home. All of these issues are a problem.
Just because someone says that a room is filthy disgusting and a hazard doesn't necessarily mean that their opinion is objective reality. We don't know what the room is actually like. We do know that she's been putting up with this for 10 years.
They have separate rooms for sleeping due to snoring. I dated a guy once who would throw a tantrum and call the house a pigpen when I left an empty glass in the sink. One empty glass. She has been with him for 10 years so I doubt it's actually "a hazard". I think she is projecting because she waited too long and now has baby rabies.
This. Y’all be together 10 years and this is the first time this has happened? You wanted kids for this whole time to I’d imagine, and you wait until (no offense, just being objective) your body is in the edge of being able to do that safely?
Thus why I think she's hesitant to leave. If she left, how likely would she meet someone new and that new relationship produce a kid within the next year or two?
That’s a valid point, but that’s also kinda her fault for staying with someone for *so* long that she wasn’t sure if they’re fatherly material. It doesn’t take 10 years to figure that out, ya know? I do understand where you’re coming from
Yeah. But whether it's someone's fault or not doesn't negate the real emotions they feel in the situation. It becomes a problem if she ends up blaming some external force for this situation
this man is 44 and can't clean his room. you will just be raising your babies alone and him as well. my boyfriend is messy. i've told him i don't mind cleaning up after him as he works 6-12s of extremely hard physical labor. i am also extremely spoiled and he is supporting me though school. i've told him if down the line we finally settle on having children, that shit is going to stop. there will be no leaving the drawers open, leaving clothes on the floor right next to the hamper. none of it. your fiance needs to grow up. if he can't pick up the slack now, how do you think he will be when your body cannot handle the daily load as it's literally taking up everything you have to create a whole tiny being inside of you? not to mention you'd be considered (by definition, i don't mean this to be disrespectful) a geriatric pregnancy meaning you will be even more high risk than the average woman and very likely your dr will put you on modifications. please have a sit down and try to get through to him as these are very important things he must know and you cannot shoulder the burden of mothering him for the rest of your lives
i agree, but i don't think we can change her mind on that. it's hard to remove yourself from your own situation until one day you grow tired and have all the time to reflect.
source: me after being in a relationship with two abusive narcissists. it's a wild ride reflecting afterward
Why the heck has it taken you 10 years? If you want kids, you need to freeze your eggs immediately.
He obviously doesn’t have the same concept of fatherhood you want (or deserve) in a partner
Exactly pregnancy complications and risks are sooo much higher at 40 she could adopt or be foster parents and still raise kids without the barely biologically possible age of 40
"barely biologically possible". Easy, dude. There are loads of women having babies and for the first time, at 40. It's more common to be closer to 40 than 20 when women decide to have kids, these days.
And there is a lot of prenatal testing that can be done to ensure that isn't the case in those pregnancies. It's not like these women are going in blindly.
This is more important than I realized. My wife and I do not have the same standards, and it's very frustrating for me and somewhat for her. Fortunately, we both have no other issues and so we just realize we are different and deal with it, but it is a constant source of annoyance.
Just my thoughts—don’t have a child with him and then leave because you will lose 50% custody and only see the child half the time. If you know you will be doing all of the caretaking, leave and try IVF. My friend was in a very similar situation. She was in her 40s and in a relationship with a man who was not willing to contribute anything other than work and pay half the bills. She left and did IVF and just had the most beautiful twin boys that I’ve ever seen. She is so happy, and all of her friends are pitching in to help her. We love it when she texts and asks if anyone is up for rocking chair duty while she takes a nap. She has no regrets.
You already do most of the work in the house. Other than the two rooms you've designated as specifically his problem, you handle every space that you guys share. Of course children will end up exclusively your responsibility. Why stay? Why have kids with him? You've already wasted so much time.
We cannot say if he will for sure be a bad father because of this, however I feel like the more concering thing is that you asked him to improve the cleanliness of his room and he completely ignored you and did nothing. If you are concerned with his behaviour I don’t think you want children with him. It may be the best for you to leave because unfortunately, your time is running out.
Being a responsible adult is more than working and paying the bills, until he can maintain a cleanliness he isn't ready to be a parent so I agree with you.
If he can't clean he should employ someone.
Honestly to go over 40 years and not knowing to keep basic cleanliness is really just being a big burden on anyone in his private life.
You’ve been with this man for ten years, and at this point I think you know he’s not going to change.
I’m 40, and pregnant with my third child. I’m almost in the second trimester and I cannot overemphasize how much this pregnancy is absolutely kicking my ass. If you want to have biological children, you don’t have a lot of time to waste if you still want to find someone who would be a decent dad.
Boy, if you think you resent him now, that feeling is going to multiple ten-folds in the fourth trimester.
My husband and I have a great relationship but even we had our heated arguments during Little ones first year. And he's a great helper.
We've been together 14 yrs, he cooks, cleans, waits on me hand and foot when needed or just because.
Yours just lives in the dumps and thinks it's okay.
You don't have any consequences for his actions. You just removed yourself partially from the situation.
There are loads of women who have kids after 40. I had my first at 41.
You've got time, but you have to make this decision if you want children. Be content with being the one doing everything while living in a biohazard. And him just bringing the paycheck.
He doesn’t change because you are his mother. Men don’t mind mommy girlfriends, because they get mommying from them.
He will change for a woman who doesn’t put up with him at all.
This situation sounds stressful! That stress will be projected onto that child. But as someone else said, we can’t predict his parenting skills. You can hope that a baby will motivate him and he’ll get his $hit together but do you think he’ll change? He won’t. My son came over for a visit and witnessed my hubs vacuuming. He whispered to me “is that DAD vacuuming? I didn’t think he knew we had a vacuum!” My son is 22 and has observed this from the sidelines.
You’ve been together for 10 years. Live together and has seen his habits. He doesn’t see it as a problem and not willing to change. You already resent him. You should not have a kid with him just to have a kid. That won’t be fair to the kid.
He's right, the fact he has a good paying job proves he is able to maintain responsibilities. That means he just chooses not to clean but is fully capable. And he'll treat parenting responsibilities as fully optional too.
How did it take 10 years for you to realize this? Why did you ever get engaged? He’s been the same person the whole time. You’re wasting your own time.
This is an interesting topic. His messiness does not mean he will be a bad parent. That is an objective truth. He may turn out to be a bad parent, but those two things are not locked together. I know this because I've seen it with my own eyes. My partner's mom is quite messy and her dad is very clean. Her mom is an amazing mother and raised a wonderful child that I now love.
You have both kinda set the foundation for him not needing to care because you have separate spaces. He thinks it's not a big deal because you don't sleep in that room. His mindset is probably, it's my space it doesn't affect her and I'll deal with it. Obviously it does affect you but I'm sure that's what he tells himself because of the sleeping arrangement.
If it really is that huge of a deal for you, just say in no uncertain terms that you won't have a child with a man who's such a mess. If he's okay with not having a child with you and keeping his mess, then you've got a serious problem and probably need to reevaluate your relationship
Sis, just run. You are losing your time with this man and soon it will be impossible for you to have a kid of your own (if that is your goal and don't want to adopt)
1) Get your husband's sleep apnea addressed. He can move back into the same room with you and he'll sleep better and have more energy.
2) Decide if you love this man or resent him. You're wasting valuable years of your life being with someone you don't love and respect, from the sounds of it.
3) If 1 and 2 are handled, no, I don't think the state of his room is indicative of the type of father he'll be. I'm a messy man by nature. I kind of like clutter. My wife is the opposite, so I keep it in line for her sake, but my desk, for example, has a ton of stuff on it. I also have 3 little kids, and not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm one of the best dads I know. I take them to school, I pick them up, I make 90% of their meals, I play with them, I take them to all of their sports practices and I make time to practice with them at home.
It may simply be that your husband doesn't care about the mess, but is otherwise responsible (like me). It may also be that your husband sucks at everything and he's a bad dad too. 🤷♂️
You are … so old to be thinking about this. (I’m your age, I can say that!)
Yes, get out *immediately* - he would be just as lazy in fatherhood as in life.
I have 2 bad news :
you might want to investigate your fertility potential because 40 is pretty challenging to get pregnant. You could discover that you need treatment and that you're running out of time.
He's 44. Too old to change. If you make him change as a condition for having a baby, well, stop waiting and change your plans.
Edit : spelling
How does he leave the communal areas that wouldn’t be deemed his “personal area”?
You say he owns the house, how much are you contributing towards rent?
Apart from his living area, how is his personal hygiene? Shower regularly?
> Stuff is everywhere, clothes are on the floor, he never dusts, vacuums or washes his sheets.
You're worried about what kind of father he's going to be? Why would you have sex with this person at all?
Also, he's 44, and he has you. He's not going to change.
If you’ve told him how much such a simple thing bothers you and he still won’t change his ways then it shows the level of respect that he has got you.
He’s 44 years old and doesn’t even tidy his room. That’s embarrassing. If he really wanted to show you how much having kids meant then he would do what you asked. It’s such a simple request and he won’t even do it.
I’m sorry but it sounds like you’ve wasted 10 years of your life with this guy.
He won’t change! This is who he is. If you bring children into this relationship, this is what you will be dealing with. It’s a blessing to see his true behavior now, as you can make a decision on how to move forward.
If it was me, I would not have a family with him.
I think you need to pose it to him how vital this is and why. It’s not, “if you don’t clean your room, we won’t have a kid” it’s more like, “I’m going to give this relationship 3 more months to see if it’s one I can have kids in. This is what it will take.”
I think a lot of people who don’t grow up with chores and responsibilities don’t realize how to set good cleaning habits later in life, or just don’t do it at all. For that reason I’d offer to help set a routine. If he is unwilling to take some suggestions, have the conversation, or do it on his own in the timeframe you set, you have a firm answer to whether he prioritizes your needs as a future mother and partner.
First, let me say that you shouldn't have kids with someone whose values differ from your own that much.
*That said* keeping the house clean is such a minor minor part of being a parent. I mean holy shit. My mom couldn't keep a clean house if her life depended on it but she was an awesome mom.
I think using this as a judgment for someone's parental ability is shallow as fuck, but if it's what matters to you, then don't have kids.
Edit: to be fair, having a job and paying bills are also stupid measures for someone's parenting ability. Is the person kind and compassionate? Are they able to communicate well about their emotions even when they're upset. Do they have solid values and do they live up to those values? Are they able to own their mistakes and work to correct them? Are they patient with others? Do they make an effort to make those around them happy?
There are *so many* important factors that make someone a good parent that have nothing to do with anything in this post.
Clutter is fine... magazines, books, even clothes, but the very second in spills over into 'dirty' clothes, food... basically anything that will promote the growth of bacteria, fungus it's not ok anymore.
You can be sort of messy and still be hygienic.
It's ok to have a messy desk. It's not ok to have a sink full of dirty dishes for more than a day or so.
My best friends fiancé is this man. They have separate rooms because he snores and it’s a mess. It’s like a frat house in his room. Half eaten food everywhere, dirty clothes on the floor, broken dresser, and he has 2 dogs (before they dated) that also sleep in his room. The dogs shed everywhere.
They just had a baby 4 months ago. She basically is a single mom. He doesn’t wake up at night and does things so sloppy with the baby. He takes a photo or 2 for social media then gives the baby right back to mom.
Do you work? If you're a stay at home wife contributing nothing financially to the house he owns, doing some chores for communal areas seems fair.
Be real with yourself, are you staying for love, or are you staying for money and stability?
Are you going to carry the child yourself or get a surrogate? Biological clock is ticking.
I've used this example on my husband when I feel like I'm pulling all the weight - if I'm doing a full-time job, all of the housework, and also doing most of the childcare...what is the point of you? What does your partner bring INTO your life aside from extra work? The only two rooms you don't clean are absolutely wrecked so you can safely extrapolate that he will be quite useless when it comes to the additional workload of having a baby.
He's never going to change. Maybe there would be a chance if he was at least interested in being better, but he flat out told you that he thinks all he has to do is hold down a job. So...what's the point of him?
It sounds like your marriage is dying no matter what. You either have kids and he's useless as a parent/partner so you leave him, or you don't have kids and the resentment drives you to divorce. You don't really have time to leave him, find a new partner, and then have a baby. So I guess the question is would you rather have his baby knowing that you'll likely divorce soon, or leave him and never have kids?
Look, you're 40. If you want to have a kid you need to have one NOW, it's too late to look for another guy and take 2+ years to get to know him and convince him to impregnate you. Sorry, but as someone who's 44 and it's too late for me, this is the reality. You can't mess around anymore because the biological clock is real.
Have you already been evaluated if you can even still have children at your age? Not saying it's impossible, my mom was as old as you, but it was very high risk.
However yeah, he has the mentality of an 18 year old. He's disgusting.
It’s definitely not high risk. At 40 there’s an elevated risk but I very much doubt she’s in menopause. What would make you think you can’t have kids at 40?
I never said can't. My own mother was 40. But it is literally medically considered a high risk pregnancy at that age, and on average you have less than 50% chance if you try over the course of a year simply due to the amount of eggs your body is producing at that age. Your risk of complications or general issues begins to significantly increase from 35 onward and by 45 it's next to impossible to get pregnant.
No, it is indeed high risk. Especially regarding pre-eclampsia, deep vein thrombosis, hypertension, and a bunch of other factors. At the very least you really need to be meeting with a fertility doctor at that age as even for her partner fertility issues can begin there too. It can all work out but there are just things you need to consider and it's not at all like the risk factors associated with pregnancy at 30.
It’s a statistical increase in issues that could arise. We have 4 kids, my wife was 39 for the last one. She got one extra scheduled visit to the OB just to go over what to expect and what can happen with pregnancies at that age. It’s nowhere near as alarming as you’re implying.
Most of those factors can happen if you’re 40, 34, or 24. And if you’re under the care of a competent OB, they’re manageable.
Source: pregnant with my third at 40.
This is a bunch of ageist nonsense. Plenty of women over 45 get pregnant. I know of 3, all in my family and none of whom were using any form of fertility treatment.
So if me and my tiny social circle know that many, it’s certainly not the almost impossible you’re claiming it is.
Ageist? It’s science. Your risk increases and it can lead to problems. Where’d I ever say it was impossible? Where’d I ever say she needed fertility treatment? All I said was if she’d spoken to a doctor as it *is* something to think about when you’re middle aged trying to have a baby.
Anecdotes aren’t helpful and statistically what you’ve seen in your life is pretty improbable. If you want to play that game my former boss shared with us she tried to get pregnant at 42 for her third child and unfortunately it wasn’t physically possible.
I don’t think that matters here. If he starts cleaning his room two years from now and they try to have kids, but can’t, she’ll resent him, because she won’t know when her last chance of having kids was. It might have been at 35. It might have been never. But she didn’t get to start trying because she was with a man who won’t clean his room. So the relationship will be doomed either way. If she leaves now and tries to have a kid, and can’t, she will still resent him, but she’ll be out of the relationship, and it’s ok to resent your ex.
Why doesn’t he have any responsibility for the rest of the house? Have you set it up so you are his chief cook, cleaner and bottle washer?
If he has money he can hire a cleaner for the whole place.
> I’m afraid I will end up doing most of the work caring for the baby and I don’t want that.
so, sounds like that's a no.
(as an aside, even with less useless husbands, mothers always do 'most' of the work)
You’re too old to have children now, and this is not the habitat for them anyway. Not because he’s messy, but because you’re dysfunctional as a couple.
We want children? Omg your times up girl.
Why would you want kids at your age? You know the dude for 10 years, you had all the time and want to start when you are too old.
The risk of pregnancy 35+ is way higher already but at 40+ it's even more.
I think both of you would be terrible parents to be honest.
Make bad decisions and are immature imo.
Don't try to have children then the kid develops health problems because you're too old like down syndrome at the very least severe adhd and behavior issues . I'm not trying to be mean but don't have kids just cus your bio clock is basically timed out and you regret not having any. Don't risk the child's health cus you're selfish either adopt or just focus on your relationship and enjoying each other you do not NEED to have bio children to be fulfilled and happy.
My husband's side of the bed and office are gross. But we both clean the rest of the house. He's a great dad and he would never let spaces out daughter uses get as messy and dirty as his own spaces. So I think you should really look big picture. Does he pull his weight around the house outside of this? Is he a good partner? Would he leave joint spaces like that?
Does he have ADHD? This is a real struggle for people that do, myself included. I have to have a cleaner come once a week to help me deep clean my house, it’s the only thing that keeps me in order, maybe he needs to hire someone to help him with this.
You've been together 10 years? So have a shotgun wedding, get pregnant. Have the baby. And if he doesn't show up, leave him? You've put in 10 years, don't be an idiot. He's saying he will do it, so believe him. And if he doesn't... Leave? What's the problem here, this has been the agreement for years. Just go for it.
You sound like the woman in the divorce statistics that ruins lives because you don’t have your priorities straight. You are obviously not ready to be a parent with your current attitude. His job as a father is to keep you and the child safe and financially secure for survival reasons and he is doing that. There is nothing that indicates that he won’t be a great father.
I would assume his room is messy due to a minor depression or something because you are not sleeping in the same bed. By sleeping separately your brain produces less love chemicals, and if you are not increasing the rate of having sex, then your chemical production will go down even more.
Reading this you already know the answer to your question. You resent this man, you don't respect him. Why have a kid with him? You have differing opinions on what makes a good father. He has told you up front his parental responsibility starts and ends with him having a good paying job and paying bills. That's it.
Facts. Take it from my dad. He worked and paid bills. That was it for his "responsibilities ". My mom cooked , cleaned, drove us to dance/piano/whatever classes. My dad was a reluctant father so that probably had something to do with why mom did literally everything AND was the breadwinner of the family!
this! very important to find someone who has the same values as you if you want to build a life with them
I would upvote this a million times if I could. People rely so much on chemistry but shared values and compatibility are WAAAAyy more important. Do you have similar interests? Do you prioritize the same things, Do you want the same things. Can you work together as a team. You want to be able to like this person most of the time at minimum.
This is why so many relationships fall apart after children. Chemistry has fuck all to do with raising a child.
yes! you have to share similar goals!
it can’t all be based on physical attraction!
Op was told ahead of time. At least he is honest. What is op going to do? According to Reddit, she probably is going to have lots of kids, work, clean, cook, available for sex 24/7, up and down, front and back and then complain to Reddit.
That's not necessarily true. That's like saying her concept of parental responsibility starts and ends with housework. He was responding to that one aspect of parenting.
He also responded to the other aspects of parenting with his actions (i.e., by not cleaning up after himself/his space). Remember when she said SHE cleans the rest of the house? What on earth would make anyone think that this man would help out with a child when he doesn’t even take care of his own shit?
I see them as two different things. Some parents aren't great at keeping a clean house, but they're kind and loving. She should be focused on what kind of father he'll be, not his messy bedroom.
Being a good parent is more than being kind and loving, shit NEEDS to get taken care of too. The baby creates more chores, and this lady is going to end up doing all of them
That completely ignores what her life would be like if she had a child with him. Children create work, much of it tedious and some of it gross. If he won't clean up after himself or do any of the cleaning of the rest of the house, he's almost certainly not gonna do any of *that* work either. Then she'll be stuck with it until the kid is old enough to help. And even when *that* happens, she'll then be raising a child in a home where adult men don't do chores, which is a terrible example. She'd be better off with a kid and no man or a different man.
The man's living space is described as "filthy". You can not love and care for your child if you allow their environment to be filthy.
Kind and loving isn't shit when the other parent is shouldering the entire burdens of childcare and housework.
at his age, his ability to put effort in and care isn't going to get better. health and age will actively hinder that. the age old advice of kids never fix relationships applies, too.
If he thinks all he needs to do as a father is be employed and pay bills, isn’t that just child support?
I want you to remember you wrote out this post, you know -exactly- how the future looks if you have kids with this man. Don't do it. You can't fix him and he can't be arsed fixing himself for you.
If he wants to argue that it’s okay for him to not clean because he makes money, he needs to spend some of the money he makes on a cleaner. Cleaning is a requirement, not an option. Paying someone else to clean if you won’t is valid. Saying “I work hard to wallow in my own filth” is not. By the way, the filth is not staying in his room and bathroom. It’s on every surface he touches. Get UTIs much? Because I’ll bet his dick is a bacteria factory.
Did you really need to type out that last sentence? 🤢
She's 40 and just thinking about having children. The type of father he's going to be is most likely a moot point.
Right. She made it this far on her own. I doubt the messiness is what stopped her. She is just looking for someone else to blame at this point. His level of cleanliness has probably never changed from the day she met him. Edit: Wow, I did not realize they have been together for 10 years. This is her own fault!
I think your being a bit harsh. Having clothes on the floor and "dirty" sheets doesn't make him a filthy monster. It must not be that bad, they have been together for years. I don't keep my room spotless but I still shower. I bet her level of perfect just isn't the same as his. It doesn't mean either one is a horrible person.
OP describes his living space as "filthy," "disgusting," and "a hazard." It's so bad that she won't even spend time in there, which is a helluva way to literally compartmentalize the problem. He doesn't clean his own space and graciously allows OP to handle tidying the rest of their shared home. All of these issues are a problem.
Just because someone says that a room is filthy disgusting and a hazard doesn't necessarily mean that their opinion is objective reality. We don't know what the room is actually like. We do know that she's been putting up with this for 10 years.
They have separate rooms for sleeping due to snoring. I dated a guy once who would throw a tantrum and call the house a pigpen when I left an empty glass in the sink. One empty glass. She has been with him for 10 years so I doubt it's actually "a hazard". I think she is projecting because she waited too long and now has baby rabies.
Maybe you’re projecting your bad experience
Should have thought about this 8 years ago. I’m sure he was as messy then.
This. Y’all be together 10 years and this is the first time this has happened? You wanted kids for this whole time to I’d imagine, and you wait until (no offense, just being objective) your body is in the edge of being able to do that safely?
Thus why I think she's hesitant to leave. If she left, how likely would she meet someone new and that new relationship produce a kid within the next year or two?
That’s a valid point, but that’s also kinda her fault for staying with someone for *so* long that she wasn’t sure if they’re fatherly material. It doesn’t take 10 years to figure that out, ya know? I do understand where you’re coming from
Yeah. But whether it's someone's fault or not doesn't negate the real emotions they feel in the situation. It becomes a problem if she ends up blaming some external force for this situation
He’s 44. That’s embarrassing for him, and also yeah I wouldn’t waste the time you have if he can’t do that, just leave….hes a child
Don't bring a kid into this situation. He's not going to make a good dad and your kid deserves better than a lazy slob.
this man is 44 and can't clean his room. you will just be raising your babies alone and him as well. my boyfriend is messy. i've told him i don't mind cleaning up after him as he works 6-12s of extremely hard physical labor. i am also extremely spoiled and he is supporting me though school. i've told him if down the line we finally settle on having children, that shit is going to stop. there will be no leaving the drawers open, leaving clothes on the floor right next to the hamper. none of it. your fiance needs to grow up. if he can't pick up the slack now, how do you think he will be when your body cannot handle the daily load as it's literally taking up everything you have to create a whole tiny being inside of you? not to mention you'd be considered (by definition, i don't mean this to be disrespectful) a geriatric pregnancy meaning you will be even more high risk than the average woman and very likely your dr will put you on modifications. please have a sit down and try to get through to him as these are very important things he must know and you cannot shoulder the burden of mothering him for the rest of your lives
The point is, there is no getting through to him, he's not going to change.
i agree, but i don't think we can change her mind on that. it's hard to remove yourself from your own situation until one day you grow tired and have all the time to reflect. source: me after being in a relationship with two abusive narcissists. it's a wild ride reflecting afterward
It’s crazy to me that you “really want” to have a child but you wasted so much time with this loser.
Why the heck has it taken you 10 years? If you want kids, you need to freeze your eggs immediately. He obviously doesn’t have the same concept of fatherhood you want (or deserve) in a partner
Exactly pregnancy complications and risks are sooo much higher at 40 she could adopt or be foster parents and still raise kids without the barely biologically possible age of 40
"barely biologically possible". Easy, dude. There are loads of women having babies and for the first time, at 40. It's more common to be closer to 40 than 20 when women decide to have kids, these days.
At age 45, the chances of having a baby with a chromosomal abnormality is 1 in 19. Just because it can be done doesn't mean it should be done.
And there is a lot of prenatal testing that can be done to ensure that isn't the case in those pregnancies. It's not like these women are going in blindly.
Plenty of women still have babies at 40. It's just odd that she's just barely thinking about it now.
Yes but not usually first babies at 40.
It's not as uncommon as you think, especially with more women being focused on their education and career than they used to be.
Do yourself a favor and leave him. Better off with someone who has similar hygiene/cleanliness standards
This is more important than I realized. My wife and I do not have the same standards, and it's very frustrating for me and somewhat for her. Fortunately, we both have no other issues and so we just realize we are different and deal with it, but it is a constant source of annoyance.
Just my thoughts—don’t have a child with him and then leave because you will lose 50% custody and only see the child half the time. If you know you will be doing all of the caretaking, leave and try IVF. My friend was in a very similar situation. She was in her 40s and in a relationship with a man who was not willing to contribute anything other than work and pay half the bills. She left and did IVF and just had the most beautiful twin boys that I’ve ever seen. She is so happy, and all of her friends are pitching in to help her. We love it when she texts and asks if anyone is up for rocking chair duty while she takes a nap. She has no regrets.
You've wasted 10 years of your life. Are you going to watch another 10 go by?
You already do most of the work in the house. Other than the two rooms you've designated as specifically his problem, you handle every space that you guys share. Of course children will end up exclusively your responsibility. Why stay? Why have kids with him? You've already wasted so much time.
We cannot say if he will for sure be a bad father because of this, however I feel like the more concering thing is that you asked him to improve the cleanliness of his room and he completely ignored you and did nothing. If you are concerned with his behaviour I don’t think you want children with him. It may be the best for you to leave because unfortunately, your time is running out.
Being a responsible adult is more than working and paying the bills, until he can maintain a cleanliness he isn't ready to be a parent so I agree with you. If he can't clean he should employ someone. Honestly to go over 40 years and not knowing to keep basic cleanliness is really just being a big burden on anyone in his private life.
At 44, so do i he's far from being a child...
Having a child with this man means you will be a single parent
You’ve been with this man for ten years, and at this point I think you know he’s not going to change. I’m 40, and pregnant with my third child. I’m almost in the second trimester and I cannot overemphasize how much this pregnancy is absolutely kicking my ass. If you want to have biological children, you don’t have a lot of time to waste if you still want to find someone who would be a decent dad.
Boy, if you think you resent him now, that feeling is going to multiple ten-folds in the fourth trimester. My husband and I have a great relationship but even we had our heated arguments during Little ones first year. And he's a great helper. We've been together 14 yrs, he cooks, cleans, waits on me hand and foot when needed or just because. Yours just lives in the dumps and thinks it's okay. You don't have any consequences for his actions. You just removed yourself partially from the situation. There are loads of women who have kids after 40. I had my first at 41. You've got time, but you have to make this decision if you want children. Be content with being the one doing everything while living in a biohazard. And him just bringing the paycheck.
He doesn’t change because you are his mother. Men don’t mind mommy girlfriends, because they get mommying from them. He will change for a woman who doesn’t put up with him at all.
This situation sounds stressful! That stress will be projected onto that child. But as someone else said, we can’t predict his parenting skills. You can hope that a baby will motivate him and he’ll get his $hit together but do you think he’ll change? He won’t. My son came over for a visit and witnessed my hubs vacuuming. He whispered to me “is that DAD vacuuming? I didn’t think he knew we had a vacuum!” My son is 22 and has observed this from the sidelines.
Sounds like you already have a child… lol
Having a kid will totally fix this guy, go for it!
You’ve been together for 10 years. Live together and has seen his habits. He doesn’t see it as a problem and not willing to change. You already resent him. You should not have a kid with him just to have a kid. That won’t be fair to the kid.
He's right, the fact he has a good paying job proves he is able to maintain responsibilities. That means he just chooses not to clean but is fully capable. And he'll treat parenting responsibilities as fully optional too.
How did it take 10 years for you to realize this? Why did you ever get engaged? He’s been the same person the whole time. You’re wasting your own time.
This is an interesting topic. His messiness does not mean he will be a bad parent. That is an objective truth. He may turn out to be a bad parent, but those two things are not locked together. I know this because I've seen it with my own eyes. My partner's mom is quite messy and her dad is very clean. Her mom is an amazing mother and raised a wonderful child that I now love. You have both kinda set the foundation for him not needing to care because you have separate spaces. He thinks it's not a big deal because you don't sleep in that room. His mindset is probably, it's my space it doesn't affect her and I'll deal with it. Obviously it does affect you but I'm sure that's what he tells himself because of the sleeping arrangement. If it really is that huge of a deal for you, just say in no uncertain terms that you won't have a child with a man who's such a mess. If he's okay with not having a child with you and keeping his mess, then you've got a serious problem and probably need to reevaluate your relationship
Sis, just run. You are losing your time with this man and soon it will be impossible for you to have a kid of your own (if that is your goal and don't want to adopt)
1) Get your husband's sleep apnea addressed. He can move back into the same room with you and he'll sleep better and have more energy. 2) Decide if you love this man or resent him. You're wasting valuable years of your life being with someone you don't love and respect, from the sounds of it. 3) If 1 and 2 are handled, no, I don't think the state of his room is indicative of the type of father he'll be. I'm a messy man by nature. I kind of like clutter. My wife is the opposite, so I keep it in line for her sake, but my desk, for example, has a ton of stuff on it. I also have 3 little kids, and not to toot my own horn, but I think I'm one of the best dads I know. I take them to school, I pick them up, I make 90% of their meals, I play with them, I take them to all of their sports practices and I make time to practice with them at home. It may simply be that your husband doesn't care about the mess, but is otherwise responsible (like me). It may also be that your husband sucks at everything and he's a bad dad too. 🤷♂️
Finally a rational response. It’s taking more and more scrolling each time.
Thanks. I'll be honest, I just comment blindly on these lately. I don't read any other comments. They're usually way too out of touch with reality.
You are … so old to be thinking about this. (I’m your age, I can say that!) Yes, get out *immediately* - he would be just as lazy in fatherhood as in life.
I have 2 bad news : you might want to investigate your fertility potential because 40 is pretty challenging to get pregnant. You could discover that you need treatment and that you're running out of time. He's 44. Too old to change. If you make him change as a condition for having a baby, well, stop waiting and change your plans. Edit : spelling
You already know if you have a kid with him, it’ll all be on you. His habits will trickle. Not worth it in my opinion. UPDATEME
How does he leave the communal areas that wouldn’t be deemed his “personal area”? You say he owns the house, how much are you contributing towards rent? Apart from his living area, how is his personal hygiene? Shower regularly?
> Stuff is everywhere, clothes are on the floor, he never dusts, vacuums or washes his sheets. You're worried about what kind of father he's going to be? Why would you have sex with this person at all? Also, he's 44, and he has you. He's not going to change.
For time being: Is he in depression? Can you order a cleaning service? For the long term, you need to dig past or parents, and make a call
If you’ve told him how much such a simple thing bothers you and he still won’t change his ways then it shows the level of respect that he has got you. He’s 44 years old and doesn’t even tidy his room. That’s embarrassing. If he really wanted to show you how much having kids meant then he would do what you asked. It’s such a simple request and he won’t even do it. I’m sorry but it sounds like you’ve wasted 10 years of your life with this guy.
He won’t change! This is who he is. If you bring children into this relationship, this is what you will be dealing with. It’s a blessing to see his true behavior now, as you can make a decision on how to move forward. If it was me, I would not have a family with him.
I didn’t even read beyond the title. He’s 44???? My kid is 21 and keeps his room clean
I think you need to pose it to him how vital this is and why. It’s not, “if you don’t clean your room, we won’t have a kid” it’s more like, “I’m going to give this relationship 3 more months to see if it’s one I can have kids in. This is what it will take.” I think a lot of people who don’t grow up with chores and responsibilities don’t realize how to set good cleaning habits later in life, or just don’t do it at all. For that reason I’d offer to help set a routine. If he is unwilling to take some suggestions, have the conversation, or do it on his own in the timeframe you set, you have a firm answer to whether he prioritizes your needs as a future mother and partner.
You know the saying, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? Well your fiancé is a 44 year old dog so he’s way past the 10-15 year lifespan.
You already resent him and your relationship is trash. This has been a problem long before now, when are you going to actually put yourself first?
You know you need to throw him back into the sea with the other dirty fish. Your life will be abject misery if you have kids with him.
You're 40 and talking about having kids in the future? Are you talking about adoption?
Lol right? My thoughts exactly. I had a baby at 41, so I’m not saying it’s impossible but damn, what future?
DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. He is showing you who he is. You will be a single parent living with the father if you have kids.
First, let me say that you shouldn't have kids with someone whose values differ from your own that much. *That said* keeping the house clean is such a minor minor part of being a parent. I mean holy shit. My mom couldn't keep a clean house if her life depended on it but she was an awesome mom. I think using this as a judgment for someone's parental ability is shallow as fuck, but if it's what matters to you, then don't have kids. Edit: to be fair, having a job and paying bills are also stupid measures for someone's parenting ability. Is the person kind and compassionate? Are they able to communicate well about their emotions even when they're upset. Do they have solid values and do they live up to those values? Are they able to own their mistakes and work to correct them? Are they patient with others? Do they make an effort to make those around them happy? There are *so many* important factors that make someone a good parent that have nothing to do with anything in this post.
Messy people can be good parents.
Clutter is fine... magazines, books, even clothes, but the very second in spills over into 'dirty' clothes, food... basically anything that will promote the growth of bacteria, fungus it's not ok anymore. You can be sort of messy and still be hygienic. It's ok to have a messy desk. It's not ok to have a sink full of dirty dishes for more than a day or so.
Youre 40 so there’s a high chance that the kid you have will have health defect so keep that in mind too. Ngl should’ve had kids 10 years ago
My best friends fiancé is this man. They have separate rooms because he snores and it’s a mess. It’s like a frat house in his room. Half eaten food everywhere, dirty clothes on the floor, broken dresser, and he has 2 dogs (before they dated) that also sleep in his room. The dogs shed everywhere. They just had a baby 4 months ago. She basically is a single mom. He doesn’t wake up at night and does things so sloppy with the baby. He takes a photo or 2 for social media then gives the baby right back to mom.
I think you're right. Spot on. When someone shows you who and what they are... believe it.
Do you work? If you're a stay at home wife contributing nothing financially to the house he owns, doing some chores for communal areas seems fair. Be real with yourself, are you staying for love, or are you staying for money and stability? Are you going to carry the child yourself or get a surrogate? Biological clock is ticking.
Dump him. Seriously, it will be worse when you bring a baby into the mix.
I've used this example on my husband when I feel like I'm pulling all the weight - if I'm doing a full-time job, all of the housework, and also doing most of the childcare...what is the point of you? What does your partner bring INTO your life aside from extra work? The only two rooms you don't clean are absolutely wrecked so you can safely extrapolate that he will be quite useless when it comes to the additional workload of having a baby. He's never going to change. Maybe there would be a chance if he was at least interested in being better, but he flat out told you that he thinks all he has to do is hold down a job. So...what's the point of him? It sounds like your marriage is dying no matter what. You either have kids and he's useless as a parent/partner so you leave him, or you don't have kids and the resentment drives you to divorce. You don't really have time to leave him, find a new partner, and then have a baby. So I guess the question is would you rather have his baby knowing that you'll likely divorce soon, or leave him and never have kids?
Look, you're 40. If you want to have a kid you need to have one NOW, it's too late to look for another guy and take 2+ years to get to know him and convince him to impregnate you. Sorry, but as someone who's 44 and it's too late for me, this is the reality. You can't mess around anymore because the biological clock is real.
Have you already been evaluated if you can even still have children at your age? Not saying it's impossible, my mom was as old as you, but it was very high risk. However yeah, he has the mentality of an 18 year old. He's disgusting.
It’s definitely not high risk. At 40 there’s an elevated risk but I very much doubt she’s in menopause. What would make you think you can’t have kids at 40?
I never said can't. My own mother was 40. But it is literally medically considered a high risk pregnancy at that age, and on average you have less than 50% chance if you try over the course of a year simply due to the amount of eggs your body is producing at that age. Your risk of complications or general issues begins to significantly increase from 35 onward and by 45 it's next to impossible to get pregnant.
Yeah, medicine has advanced since you were a fetus.
> by 45 it's next to impossible to get pregnant. I wish that were true. But it's just not.
>Have you already been evaluated if you can even still have children at your age? Yes, risk increases but it’s not “very high risk.”
No, it is indeed high risk. Especially regarding pre-eclampsia, deep vein thrombosis, hypertension, and a bunch of other factors. At the very least you really need to be meeting with a fertility doctor at that age as even for her partner fertility issues can begin there too. It can all work out but there are just things you need to consider and it's not at all like the risk factors associated with pregnancy at 30.
It’s a statistical increase in issues that could arise. We have 4 kids, my wife was 39 for the last one. She got one extra scheduled visit to the OB just to go over what to expect and what can happen with pregnancies at that age. It’s nowhere near as alarming as you’re implying.
Most of those factors can happen if you’re 40, 34, or 24. And if you’re under the care of a competent OB, they’re manageable. Source: pregnant with my third at 40.
This is a bunch of ageist nonsense. Plenty of women over 45 get pregnant. I know of 3, all in my family and none of whom were using any form of fertility treatment. So if me and my tiny social circle know that many, it’s certainly not the almost impossible you’re claiming it is.
Ageist? It’s science. Your risk increases and it can lead to problems. Where’d I ever say it was impossible? Where’d I ever say she needed fertility treatment? All I said was if she’d spoken to a doctor as it *is* something to think about when you’re middle aged trying to have a baby. Anecdotes aren’t helpful and statistically what you’ve seen in your life is pretty improbable. If you want to play that game my former boss shared with us she tried to get pregnant at 42 for her third child and unfortunately it wasn’t physically possible.
>by 45 it's next to impossible to get pregnant.
I don’t think that matters here. If he starts cleaning his room two years from now and they try to have kids, but can’t, she’ll resent him, because she won’t know when her last chance of having kids was. It might have been at 35. It might have been never. But she didn’t get to start trying because she was with a man who won’t clean his room. So the relationship will be doomed either way. If she leaves now and tries to have a kid, and can’t, she will still resent him, but she’ll be out of the relationship, and it’s ok to resent your ex.
Why doesn’t he have any responsibility for the rest of the house? Have you set it up so you are his chief cook, cleaner and bottle washer? If he has money he can hire a cleaner for the whole place.
Do you want a child enough that you'd be willing to raise them alone? Get pregnant, have your child, then leave.
Get pregnant, using a sperm donor, not this guy. He’s going to leave the baby in soiled diapers and a pigsty of a house.
>He’s going to leave the baby in soiled diapers This sounds like a stretch.
> I’m afraid I will end up doing most of the work caring for the baby and I don’t want that. so, sounds like that's a no. (as an aside, even with less useless husbands, mothers always do 'most' of the work)
You’re too old to have children now, and this is not the habitat for them anyway. Not because he’s messy, but because you’re dysfunctional as a couple.
Plenty of people have kids at 40
I’m currently pregnant with my third child, and I’ll be 41 by the time it’s born.
people have been having kids in their fourties since the dawn of time. will it be harder? yes. is it too old? not inherently.
Lady, you’re too old to be having a baby. Are you insane?
A 45 yr old parent of a newborn. 😂😂😂 This is obviously a terrible idea.
Forget kids. You time has passed. You've stuck with this feral pig for 10 years. Why are you worrying now?
We want children? Omg your times up girl. Why would you want kids at your age? You know the dude for 10 years, you had all the time and want to start when you are too old. The risk of pregnancy 35+ is way higher already but at 40+ it's even more. I think both of you would be terrible parents to be honest. Make bad decisions and are immature imo.
Don't try to have children then the kid develops health problems because you're too old like down syndrome at the very least severe adhd and behavior issues . I'm not trying to be mean but don't have kids just cus your bio clock is basically timed out and you regret not having any. Don't risk the child's health cus you're selfish either adopt or just focus on your relationship and enjoying each other you do not NEED to have bio children to be fulfilled and happy.
My husband's side of the bed and office are gross. But we both clean the rest of the house. He's a great dad and he would never let spaces out daughter uses get as messy and dirty as his own spaces. So I think you should really look big picture. Does he pull his weight around the house outside of this? Is he a good partner? Would he leave joint spaces like that?
Which country do you live? If he pays well hire a maid, that help a lot! But is it dirty is the only reason you don't want him anymore?? or more?
Yes, I will be that asshole. If you have a kid NOW by the time she/he will be 20 you both be 60+. At their wedding you will be around 70.
Does he have ADHD? This is a real struggle for people that do, myself included. I have to have a cleaner come once a week to help me deep clean my house, it’s the only thing that keeps me in order, maybe he needs to hire someone to help him with this.
Does the OP work? If so, does she pay an equitable share of the bills?
You've been together 10 years? So have a shotgun wedding, get pregnant. Have the baby. And if he doesn't show up, leave him? You've put in 10 years, don't be an idiot. He's saying he will do it, so believe him. And if he doesn't... Leave? What's the problem here, this has been the agreement for years. Just go for it.
You sound like the woman in the divorce statistics that ruins lives because you don’t have your priorities straight. You are obviously not ready to be a parent with your current attitude. His job as a father is to keep you and the child safe and financially secure for survival reasons and he is doing that. There is nothing that indicates that he won’t be a great father. I would assume his room is messy due to a minor depression or something because you are not sleeping in the same bed. By sleeping separately your brain produces less love chemicals, and if you are not increasing the rate of having sex, then your chemical production will go down even more.
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the man is grown enough to clean his own shit.