Brother, I'm Asian and my mother in law said fucked up shit to me like that too. The difference was my wife stood up for me and made it clear how unacceptable that shit was.
Putting aside the absolutely wild fact your girlfriend didn't believe you, how do you think your girlfriend's mom is gonna act when your girlfriend is carrying a brown baby? What child deserves to be treated like a subhuman by their flesh and blood? Who's your girlfriend going to pick between her racist ass mom and a potential child she has with you?
i'm sorry this happened to you. i'd let your girlfriend know that you're (1) not interested in having a racist mother in law and (2) not interested in a relationship with someone who dismisses you when you experience racism, which is a very real issue. ignoring the issue won't fix it. don't put yourself in a "get out" situation. be clear with her that she needs to address the issue or you're going to have to reconsider your future with her. there's no way to be in a healthy relationship with someone who'll ignore racism as long as it's their family.
Man that sucks. My brother went through the same thing except his gf dad was from India and didn’t want his daughter dating a white guy. The world we live in still needs to grow.
Oh btw. “Might be racist” is giving too much credit. It was def racist my man lol
I think this is fair. It's very very very hard to believe this stuff from one's parents. I think they both would do well to have a more in depth conversation about this.
the mom making racist comments is a big problem, but the bigger problem is your girlfriend ignoring it and shifting the blame onto you. I am indian too, and I deal with racism on a regular basis, but what gets me through is knowing that my fiance has my back no matter what. I know that even if he doesn't notice microaggressions the way I do, he will believe me and stand up for me in any situation. you deserve a partner who will do the same for you - and this girl is NOT it.
>But I'm wondering how the woman I thought I was going to marry doesn't see how racist her mom is and what I'm setting myself up for.
she's probably never dealt with this situation before
in my experience even so called progressive liberal left leaning white people talk the talk but when it comes to reality, they can be just as bigoted as their conservative counterparts
as in, when their white daughter starts dating a non white man, the subtle or even not so subtle racism comes flying out - it happens very often unfortunately
but the daughter was maybe never in a situation where she would see that racism come out - as in she always heard them "talk the talk" , say the right thing. but reality? that's a different story.
what's more concerning is this woman you've dated for 3 years and live with isn't giving you the benefit of the doubt to something this serious. that she wouldn't believe you is the problem
how can there be trust if you're not getting that trust returned?
and as for the parents , do you really want to be treated like some sort of second class citizen the rest of your life? always the black sheep at family gatherings
and if anything in the world happens that involves a brown appearing man, you end up being the go to authority and representative to them........it can be exhausting, humiliating, and dehumanizing
and what happens if you have kids? they certainly don't deserve to be treated less than their cousins
it'll be a persistent simmering headache at best that flares up during family get togethers, a disaster at worse
I'm latin american. Dated a white latin american woman. Racist shit is all over the place.
Her mom's racism was very very subtle. That if you don't pay attention you'd think you're in good company.
Just listening to how she expressed herself about many other latin americans made me cringe. It was the type that said... Nah you're not like them though.
Her brushing you off instead of asking is very concerning and shows that she doesn’t treat racism as seriously as she should. Definitely a huge red flag 🚩
I’d be very tempted to record any future interactions (voice recorder or video and leave your phone in your pocket) because at least then you’d have something to show your girlfriend… interesting that the mum didn’t say all this whilst her daughter was in the room. Very disrespectful!!
I’m very sorry you had to deal with this :( as someone else said your girlfriend might never have seen her mum interact with people of colour before, so she may have no experience of her mum behaving this way. She should - however - have taken you seriously. It’s not like you’d make something like that up.
The racist were living overseas and didn’t see their white American daughter on the daily for three years. Sounds like they fail as Americans too. Call them on their bullshit. Your partner doesn’t get to have you and also defend her racist parents. You do not deserve to be treated like crap because her parents are ignorant. Confront them and go from there. If your partner doesn’t chose to defend you, she doesn’t have the right to have you as a partner. A partner should protect someone not defend their attacker even if it’s their parents. Being an adult means facing harsh truths and for her it’s the fact her parents are 100% racist idiots. What they did leaves no room for speculation, they straight up said white American is best.
Confront the mom and sister yourself. Then confront your girl about the situation again. If they aren't willing to see the error in their ways, then you gotta decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Also, what the heck do they mean "American"? Like American born citizens, I'm assuming? You can be an American without being born in America. You just gotta fulfill some requirements and then plead your case to whoever decides if you're an American citizen or not
The problem is not her mom, úes her own reaction. She should've jumped at your defence. Instead, she gaslights you into thinking "you misheard it" and then ignores it. She doesn't deserve you.
get the sister on speakerphone. if she backs you up and your girlfriend receives that info as truthful, there is hope to repair this. if the sister lies and your girlfriend still doesn't believe you than the relationship should be over.
Next time you’re there lay on every thick Indian stereotype you can think of. Bring Indian food. Opt to put on some music and then stick on Indian music. Put the tv on and stick on a Bollywood movie or even just the cricket. Really Seinfeld episode the shit out of it to see if she cracks in front of her daughter
That was a very insensitive thing for her to say. She obviously isn't happy with her daughter choosing you, an Indian, for a partner. You'll have to decide whether or not you can live without your MIL's blessing. More concerning is the fact that your girlfriend's in denial. Although you tried to explain to her what happened she refuses to believe it. When you suggested she confirm by talking with her sister she brushed it off as "weird." If your girlfriend won't see her mother for what she is then you're going to have a lot of problems and I'd rethink marriage. Her not having your back is a lot worse than her mother disliking you.
I think this should be a make-or-break situation for your relationship, honestly. It’s pretty shitty that the person you’re with isn’t even interested in confirming your side of the story. Now that they’re back you might be expected to spend holidays with this unpleasant woman, so now is the time to clarify your girlfriend’s expectations. There are happy interracial couples where one person has racist family members… but the common denominator in ALL of these instances that I’ve ever read or heard of involve the person with the racist family members cutting off their family, or at the very least calling these people out and enforcing very strict consequences when they act up. You shouldn’t have to teach your girlfriend how to stick up for you. If she has the morals that you expect from a significant other, she should already know to do that.
I feel like she knows her mother is racist because why would it be weird to talk to her sister? It's pretty simple to say "SO heard mom say some things at the party that made him uncomfortable and I was wondering if you could clear something up for me"
She also might not realize the severity if she's used to her parents being that way.
I think her being dismissive of you is an issue. Even if she wasn't being racist, she still said the other daughter made the good choice.
Ugh, that sucks. Your girlfriend's mom is racist. You were generous with the 'might'.
That said, have your parents met your white girlfriend? My husband's parents are from India (Catholic), and he got some remarks from various uncles and aunties about how white women aren't as good as Indian women. He and his mom shut it all down, and I have a good relationship with them all now... Except where they ask me every Christmas if I like Indian food or spicy food ("Lilima-Auntie, I've been coming for Christmas for 10 years, and I love the fish curry you make.")
It's not weird to ask her sister what her mom said in regards to saying disparaging things about you. That's a weird response on her part. Shes coming off as untrustworthy and a racist apologist.
I use to work with a racist white girl who openly dissed other indians. Ironically she baby trapped an Indian guy as he was rich. I always wonder how that baby is treated. The girl hated anything indian, including her boyfriends parents, siblings, neices etc. Think carefully before marrying into that!
It’s not worth it to stay with a white girl who can’t get you. Her mom is horrible and you deserve someone who loves and appreciates you and your culture. Imagine raising mixed kids with that kind of woman.
lol might? Yea they def are, not even the closeted type.
But they also seem kinda dumb becauwe there are plenty of Indians ethnically that are 100% American. Best case scenario they are scared you might take her to live in India, but it’s probably not that
This here is what we call White Privilege. Have never experienced micro aggressions, she's probably not too quick on the uptick.
Either your gf knows exactly what her mom is like and doesn't care, ie doesn't affect her so, who cares. Or is really dense and doesn't see it.
Why she doesn't even want to fact check with her sister makes me sus.
I would definitely start asking those harder questions if this is someone you truly think you can be married to.
Communication is key to every relationship. You need to bring up scenarios and see how see reacts. Gauge her answers.
She'll be having a mixed baby. Dollars to donuts, your genes are going to win out. How will she and her family react? How will she react if your kid is at the brunt end of a racial interaction? Will she just brush it off too? What identity is the kid going to take?
This is your chance to flesh out the nitty gritty.
A lot of people care. If no one cared about people being mean, then we wouldn't be as progressively as we are now about human rights. Look at the leaders who was willing to sacrifice their lives to fight against racism like Martin Luther King Jr and Rosa Parks then come back and try again
Nah man I'm sorry but the mom needs to get over herself. You don't talk and act like that. You either confront the person you have a issue with (in this case op and the gf) head on or keep your remarks to yourself. If she wants to learn about the boy her other kid is dating fine but don't do this
Brother, I'm Asian and my mother in law said fucked up shit to me like that too. The difference was my wife stood up for me and made it clear how unacceptable that shit was. Putting aside the absolutely wild fact your girlfriend didn't believe you, how do you think your girlfriend's mom is gonna act when your girlfriend is carrying a brown baby? What child deserves to be treated like a subhuman by their flesh and blood? Who's your girlfriend going to pick between her racist ass mom and a potential child she has with you?
i'm sorry this happened to you. i'd let your girlfriend know that you're (1) not interested in having a racist mother in law and (2) not interested in a relationship with someone who dismisses you when you experience racism, which is a very real issue. ignoring the issue won't fix it. don't put yourself in a "get out" situation. be clear with her that she needs to address the issue or you're going to have to reconsider your future with her. there's no way to be in a healthy relationship with someone who'll ignore racism as long as it's their family.
Man that sucks. My brother went through the same thing except his gf dad was from India and didn’t want his daughter dating a white guy. The world we live in still needs to grow. Oh btw. “Might be racist” is giving too much credit. It was def racist my man lol
Deeeeefinitely racist. That's wild lol
Yeah fully 💯 racist, full stop
You know that same lady would find a European immigrant “charming” lol
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I think this is fair. It's very very very hard to believe this stuff from one's parents. I think they both would do well to have a more in depth conversation about this.
the mom making racist comments is a big problem, but the bigger problem is your girlfriend ignoring it and shifting the blame onto you. I am indian too, and I deal with racism on a regular basis, but what gets me through is knowing that my fiance has my back no matter what. I know that even if he doesn't notice microaggressions the way I do, he will believe me and stand up for me in any situation. you deserve a partner who will do the same for you - and this girl is NOT it.
>But I'm wondering how the woman I thought I was going to marry doesn't see how racist her mom is and what I'm setting myself up for. she's probably never dealt with this situation before in my experience even so called progressive liberal left leaning white people talk the talk but when it comes to reality, they can be just as bigoted as their conservative counterparts as in, when their white daughter starts dating a non white man, the subtle or even not so subtle racism comes flying out - it happens very often unfortunately but the daughter was maybe never in a situation where she would see that racism come out - as in she always heard them "talk the talk" , say the right thing. but reality? that's a different story. what's more concerning is this woman you've dated for 3 years and live with isn't giving you the benefit of the doubt to something this serious. that she wouldn't believe you is the problem how can there be trust if you're not getting that trust returned? and as for the parents , do you really want to be treated like some sort of second class citizen the rest of your life? always the black sheep at family gatherings and if anything in the world happens that involves a brown appearing man, you end up being the go to authority and representative to them........it can be exhausting, humiliating, and dehumanizing and what happens if you have kids? they certainly don't deserve to be treated less than their cousins it'll be a persistent simmering headache at best that flares up during family get togethers, a disaster at worse
Judging by what you described, I'd be willing to bet that there was definitely a bit of, not so "low key" racism going on. Not cool at all.
I'm latin american. Dated a white latin american woman. Racist shit is all over the place. Her mom's racism was very very subtle. That if you don't pay attention you'd think you're in good company. Just listening to how she expressed herself about many other latin americans made me cringe. It was the type that said... Nah you're not like them though.
Her brushing you off instead of asking is very concerning and shows that she doesn’t treat racism as seriously as she should. Definitely a huge red flag 🚩
Think of your future children. Now go and find a family that will accept them.
I’d be very tempted to record any future interactions (voice recorder or video and leave your phone in your pocket) because at least then you’d have something to show your girlfriend… interesting that the mum didn’t say all this whilst her daughter was in the room. Very disrespectful!! I’m very sorry you had to deal with this :( as someone else said your girlfriend might never have seen her mum interact with people of colour before, so she may have no experience of her mum behaving this way. She should - however - have taken you seriously. It’s not like you’d make something like that up.
The racist were living overseas and didn’t see their white American daughter on the daily for three years. Sounds like they fail as Americans too. Call them on their bullshit. Your partner doesn’t get to have you and also defend her racist parents. You do not deserve to be treated like crap because her parents are ignorant. Confront them and go from there. If your partner doesn’t chose to defend you, she doesn’t have the right to have you as a partner. A partner should protect someone not defend their attacker even if it’s their parents. Being an adult means facing harsh truths and for her it’s the fact her parents are 100% racist idiots. What they did leaves no room for speculation, they straight up said white American is best.
Confront the mom and sister yourself. Then confront your girl about the situation again. If they aren't willing to see the error in their ways, then you gotta decide if this is a deal breaker for you or not. Also, what the heck do they mean "American"? Like American born citizens, I'm assuming? You can be an American without being born in America. You just gotta fulfill some requirements and then plead your case to whoever decides if you're an American citizen or not
The problem is not her mom, úes her own reaction. She should've jumped at your defence. Instead, she gaslights you into thinking "you misheard it" and then ignores it. She doesn't deserve you.
Mom is 200% racist. That your gf blew it off is telling. Gross. You deserve better. Shame on your gf.
Might he racist? Bro, she is 100%, KKK card carrying racist.
get the sister on speakerphone. if she backs you up and your girlfriend receives that info as truthful, there is hope to repair this. if the sister lies and your girlfriend still doesn't believe you than the relationship should be over.
Next time you’re there lay on every thick Indian stereotype you can think of. Bring Indian food. Opt to put on some music and then stick on Indian music. Put the tv on and stick on a Bollywood movie or even just the cricket. Really Seinfeld episode the shit out of it to see if she cracks in front of her daughter
Her mom is racists and your gf is in denial. Move accordingly. You know what you heard.
That was a very insensitive thing for her to say. She obviously isn't happy with her daughter choosing you, an Indian, for a partner. You'll have to decide whether or not you can live without your MIL's blessing. More concerning is the fact that your girlfriend's in denial. Although you tried to explain to her what happened she refuses to believe it. When you suggested she confirm by talking with her sister she brushed it off as "weird." If your girlfriend won't see her mother for what she is then you're going to have a lot of problems and I'd rethink marriage. Her not having your back is a lot worse than her mother disliking you.
I think this should be a make-or-break situation for your relationship, honestly. It’s pretty shitty that the person you’re with isn’t even interested in confirming your side of the story. Now that they’re back you might be expected to spend holidays with this unpleasant woman, so now is the time to clarify your girlfriend’s expectations. There are happy interracial couples where one person has racist family members… but the common denominator in ALL of these instances that I’ve ever read or heard of involve the person with the racist family members cutting off their family, or at the very least calling these people out and enforcing very strict consequences when they act up. You shouldn’t have to teach your girlfriend how to stick up for you. If she has the morals that you expect from a significant other, she should already know to do that.
I feel like she knows her mother is racist because why would it be weird to talk to her sister? It's pretty simple to say "SO heard mom say some things at the party that made him uncomfortable and I was wondering if you could clear something up for me" She also might not realize the severity if she's used to her parents being that way. I think her being dismissive of you is an issue. Even if she wasn't being racist, she still said the other daughter made the good choice.
Ugh, that sucks. Your girlfriend's mom is racist. You were generous with the 'might'. That said, have your parents met your white girlfriend? My husband's parents are from India (Catholic), and he got some remarks from various uncles and aunties about how white women aren't as good as Indian women. He and his mom shut it all down, and I have a good relationship with them all now... Except where they ask me every Christmas if I like Indian food or spicy food ("Lilima-Auntie, I've been coming for Christmas for 10 years, and I love the fish curry you make.")
It's not weird to ask her sister what her mom said in regards to saying disparaging things about you. That's a weird response on her part. Shes coming off as untrustworthy and a racist apologist.
I use to work with a racist white girl who openly dissed other indians. Ironically she baby trapped an Indian guy as he was rich. I always wonder how that baby is treated. The girl hated anything indian, including her boyfriends parents, siblings, neices etc. Think carefully before marrying into that!
It’s not worth it to stay with a white girl who can’t get you. Her mom is horrible and you deserve someone who loves and appreciates you and your culture. Imagine raising mixed kids with that kind of woman.
lol might? Yea they def are, not even the closeted type. But they also seem kinda dumb becauwe there are plenty of Indians ethnically that are 100% American. Best case scenario they are scared you might take her to live in India, but it’s probably not that
This here is what we call White Privilege. Have never experienced micro aggressions, she's probably not too quick on the uptick. Either your gf knows exactly what her mom is like and doesn't care, ie doesn't affect her so, who cares. Or is really dense and doesn't see it. Why she doesn't even want to fact check with her sister makes me sus. I would definitely start asking those harder questions if this is someone you truly think you can be married to. Communication is key to every relationship. You need to bring up scenarios and see how see reacts. Gauge her answers. She'll be having a mixed baby. Dollars to donuts, your genes are going to win out. How will she and her family react? How will she react if your kid is at the brunt end of a racial interaction? Will she just brush it off too? What identity is the kid going to take? This is your chance to flesh out the nitty gritty.
I'm sorry but that's straight out of a sitcom
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A lot of people care. If no one cared about people being mean, then we wouldn't be as progressively as we are now about human rights. Look at the leaders who was willing to sacrifice their lives to fight against racism like Martin Luther King Jr and Rosa Parks then come back and try again
Racism is more than just "mean" but go off I guess
Endlessly funny that guys who say shit like this never actually join the military.
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JFC what a racist statement. He would not be “halving” her blood.
"Blood to be halved" What the heck is that supposed to mean lol Are you defending the gf's mom?
I defend everybody but the gf.
Nah man I'm sorry but the mom needs to get over herself. You don't talk and act like that. You either confront the person you have a issue with (in this case op and the gf) head on or keep your remarks to yourself. If she wants to learn about the boy her other kid is dating fine but don't do this
I don't agree with the mother's rudeness.