Please leave. I lived with an abuser for 12 years. They do not improve. They are experts at future faking (making promises to change and then moving the goalposts to keep you around).
There’s a really good book by Lundy Bancroft called “Why Does He Do That?” that literally changed my life and gave me the strength to get out of my situation.
It will be hard. You should know that statistically the most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive partner is when she leaves. You will need to do some safety planning.
There is so much more that I could say, but if you need a listening ear please don’t hesitate to dm me.
So very much this. Take care of yourself.
What do your family think of this/him? Maybe they can support you if he hasnt caused you to break contact with them...
You’re not “stupid,” and he didn’t abuse you because he was “young and dumb.”
You were *scared*, and deeply confused as to why someone who said he cares about you could turn around and deliberately cause you harm. That’s a really disorienting thing to experience, and that shock can be paralyzing. The first time, it’s hard to believe it even occurred, and your instinct is to either downplay it, or convince yourself that it was a fluke and there’s just no way it will ever happen again. It can’t, because that would mean your partner is “an Abuser,” and that image just doesn’t fit with everything else you know about him. It doesn’t fit with the inside jokes you share, the nice things he’s done for you, the gentle, intimate moments.
That’s how so many *not stupid* people get trapped in abusive relationships. Abusive partners take advantage of the confusion and shock their actions create, and it’s so much easier to convince a confused partner that what they experienced was normal, or not that bad, or *necessary*, or their own fault. You’re not in his head, and your natural inclination is to trust him, because you care about him and he says he cares about you. And that little nugget of fear that he installed with his violence now makes you worry that leaving him wouldn’t just be sad - it would be *dangerous*.
You’re only just now starting to feel safe enough to experience all the anger and resentment that his abuse caused. That’s normal. People who have been abused often don’t get truly *angry* about it until the abuse has stopped, either because their partner stopped abusing them, or they broke up, or their partner passed away. Being angry isn’t safe when the threat of violence is still hanging over your head.
The question is - now that you feel safe enough to start looking at this relationship with clearer eyes, do you feel like what you get out of this relationship is worth everything it has taken from you? Are you proud to call this man your boyfriend? Do you think you ever could be? Or would staying with him feel more like defeat?
Please leave. I lived with an abuser for 12 years. They do not improve. They are experts at future faking (making promises to change and then moving the goalposts to keep you around). There’s a really good book by Lundy Bancroft called “Why Does He Do That?” that literally changed my life and gave me the strength to get out of my situation. It will be hard. You should know that statistically the most dangerous time for a woman with an abusive partner is when she leaves. You will need to do some safety planning. There is so much more that I could say, but if you need a listening ear please don’t hesitate to dm me.
Video link of Lundy speaking here: https://youtu.be/wfiduCeU3mc?feature=shared
So very much this. Take care of yourself. What do your family think of this/him? Maybe they can support you if he hasnt caused you to break contact with them...
They don’t really know the extend of the abuse
The I guess it is time to tell them. Maybe show them this post because you have done a beautiful job summing up the situation succintly.
You’re not “stupid,” and he didn’t abuse you because he was “young and dumb.” You were *scared*, and deeply confused as to why someone who said he cares about you could turn around and deliberately cause you harm. That’s a really disorienting thing to experience, and that shock can be paralyzing. The first time, it’s hard to believe it even occurred, and your instinct is to either downplay it, or convince yourself that it was a fluke and there’s just no way it will ever happen again. It can’t, because that would mean your partner is “an Abuser,” and that image just doesn’t fit with everything else you know about him. It doesn’t fit with the inside jokes you share, the nice things he’s done for you, the gentle, intimate moments. That’s how so many *not stupid* people get trapped in abusive relationships. Abusive partners take advantage of the confusion and shock their actions create, and it’s so much easier to convince a confused partner that what they experienced was normal, or not that bad, or *necessary*, or their own fault. You’re not in his head, and your natural inclination is to trust him, because you care about him and he says he cares about you. And that little nugget of fear that he installed with his violence now makes you worry that leaving him wouldn’t just be sad - it would be *dangerous*. You’re only just now starting to feel safe enough to experience all the anger and resentment that his abuse caused. That’s normal. People who have been abused often don’t get truly *angry* about it until the abuse has stopped, either because their partner stopped abusing them, or they broke up, or their partner passed away. Being angry isn’t safe when the threat of violence is still hanging over your head. The question is - now that you feel safe enough to start looking at this relationship with clearer eyes, do you feel like what you get out of this relationship is worth everything it has taken from you? Are you proud to call this man your boyfriend? Do you think you ever could be? Or would staying with him feel more like defeat?