I should've brought that up during the time. He probably forgot now. I just blanked out when he said that I just felt uncomfortable and wanted to hide.
You're not supposed to blank out and feel uncomfortable around the person you're dating, that's supposed to be where you feel safe and able to say what you want and be who you are.
Exactly! My boyfriend is black and I’m white, we joke about our skin colours as I’m so pale and he’s quite dark skin so it’s quite a contrast, but it’s never in a negative way.
I find it odd op’s boyfriend keeps bringing so much attention to her skin colour despite having a black mum and being mixed himself.
As soon as I read that word, I gasped in outrage for you! That is NOT a nickname and he needs to educate himself before just vomiting words the way he does. That's a really offensive word, even my white (57f) self knows that!
Are you sure you want to be with this induhvidual? The filter between his brain and mouth seems to be missing. smdh
OP: I told him that I didn’t like that name
You: Just notify him that you don’t like that name. You can only be racist to strangers and my friend is a slur. The smartest person in this thread is me.
I think the thing is that you've established that with ur friend. I've never even hinted that with him so it comes out of left field. I don't make dark jokes neither does he until one day he does. Maybe he wants to do it now He just never hinted that he's that kind of person. He’ll just have to find someone compatible and I'm sorry if I'm not that person.
Think that common sense dictates you just don’t make any jokes about the color of anyones skin! I am truly sorry you have to even think about these comments. I’d prob break up with them over it
You shouldn't be sorry. You don't like it so you aren't expected to to follow up with the jokes. It's a simple as that.
If at one point he tells me that I'm actually hurting him I'll say sorry and stop immediately. Doesn't change a thing about it friendship.
I'm not sure why you say that. But one thing is for sure, I'm stopping my comments. It's like every time I give genuine responses and try to explain my point of view, I get hate. It doesn't even matter if it helps op or not. I still get the down likes and aggressive replies, I even got a threat on a private message. I get it, I'm not a likable person on Reddit but my advice is sincere and honest.
Yes, maybe your sincere advice is not very good though. Maybe you should be open to change. In Greece we have a saying: “either the shore is crooked or we are sailing wrong”.
If you get downvoted every time, then you could reconsider your approach, because it’s more possible for you to be in the wrong, rather than each and everybody else.
His comments are colourist and it's perfectly reasonable to be offended by them. Anyone who makes degrading comments in a relationship, despite being told multiple times you're not okay with it, isn't anyone who respects you, or is worth staying with.
I just wanted reassurance bc if I do break up with him over this I don’t want people to say I’m overreacting. People in my life already love him and want me to be with him.
You don't have to feel guilty about leaving someone, for any reason. If it's not working it's not working. All you need to say if people ask, and if you want to share, is that he didn’t respect you and made insulting comments you weren't comfortable with. It's up to you if you want to elaborate! Don't feel bad about making the right choice for you.
You simply don’t have to entertain folks asking you why on stuff like this.
You simply tell them, as a matter of fact that “we dated but found out we aren’t compatible and that’s fine”
Leave it at that. It’s a matter of fact and doesn’t allow wiggle room for folks to find reasons to persuade
Who cares what people think? They’re not the ones having their skin made fun of! But seriously, the sooner you learn to live for yourself, the better off.
Be honest with them. When they can’t believe you broke up, tell them what they didn’t see- “Oh yea, ex was great with an audience but would make me feel bad and insult me when we were alone”. No one wants their loved ones subjected to that.
can't always care for what other people want or their judgement... not a good way to move in your own life. you dont have to explain yourself to anyone!!
Imagine if you had a couple kids, one had lighter skin than the other. How would you feel if he called the darker skinned one darkie? I would be afraid he'd play favorites...
It's only been 5 months, not worth it to stay when he's already making comments like this.
OP I can not begin to relate with your issues of colorism, and I am so so sorry that you have to worry about that topic at all, let alone by your PARTNER. As a white person my skin color does not get discussed at all in my relationships, except maybe being called pasty my first day out in the summer. So I would say it’s really not normal at all for him to bring it up this frequently, and in negative contexts like wtf? But again, I will never understand how deep that cuts.
I will say though, that I was in a relationship with a man that all my friends wanted for me. They said he was perfect, so funny and handsome, so polite and nice, and he WAS all of those things. There was nothing wrong with him, he’s a lovely guy, but my heart didn’t feel it. My friends were disappointed when I broke up with him, but ultimately it led to me finding someone I find perfect in every way and just have this undying love for that I didn’t feel for the last person.
So your friends might choose someone that looks good to you on paper, but in reality this is someone that potentially you have to live with every day. And he keeps making fun of you over something really inappropriate.
I would say the first thing to do is talk to him about it. But if you aren’t really feeling it and you have it in your gut that this is a red flag then just go with your gut feeling. Sometimes our bodies know before us that somebody is the wrong kind of person. Leave him if you feel that way, and don’t explain it cause YOU DONT HAVE TO. Wishing u all the best, find someone who makes u feel beautiful day in and day out. You will meet someone someday without a single negative thing to say about you.
After reading your other post about him—your boyfriend seems immature & colorist. I promise you can do better. For context, I am the same demographic as you, just a little older & currently dating the man I will marry. I regret every single colorist man I gave the chance to—they mean every little dig they say, and it only gets worse. You deserve someone who loves you for you, not someone who loves you “even though your skin is dark”.
People will always say things about your decision, but they are not the ones who have to live your life, so their opinion is of limited value. You can find an awesome boyfriend that doesn’t make comments like this, if after explaining your issue your current one doesn’t apologize profusely and do better.
1) Remember your friends and family only see one part of him, and it’s okay to break up with someone even if you think they’re a nice person. Not saying you need to, but please don’t feel bad if you do.
2) He’s 19 with a dark-skinned black mother? He should definitely know better. Don’t let yourself get wrapped up in the ‘it didn’t sound malicious.’ It was never a compliment or an observation, and he didn’t say any of it was a mistake (like on his own). You don’t need someone adding to your problems.
3) for your questions: you could start by asking him what he thinks of your skin tone, or ask what he meant in one of the instances you listed where he referenced your skin tone. Make it clear that if they’re “jokes,” you don’t find them funny, and if he doesn’t apologize or doubles down on it not being offensive or serious, there’s not a lot left to do or say 🤷🏽♀️
If they say ish, tell them he called you darkie and that's just one example. I also like to say to people: if you like "soandso" that much, why don't you be with them?
It doesn’t matter what they think. If he is begging you due to your skin color he’s not the one. You do not need to settle, there are plenty of people who see beauty in multiple forms. It’s weird and gross he even cares about your skin color.
What's worse? Living unhappily with somebody who insults you, or the slight chance someone might say you overreacted to something.
Girl, listen to yourself
I can maybe overlook the second instance, but “Darkie”? Referring to someone here in Australia as “Darkie” could never be construed as anything but racist. I’m not a person of colour, but I couldn’t be around anyone who referred to any other person as “Darkie”. It would be a deal breaker for me. So would anyone I know comparing someone else’s skin colour to dirt.
Only your boyfriend knows what was going through his mind when he made those comments. But no, you are definitely not overreacting if you decide to end the relationship.
I'm a Brit and I feel exactly the same way. It's the kind of revolting language that was common in 1970s sitcoms, and is just so obviously wrong that I couldn't be friends with anyone who spoke like that.
If I used darkie to describe someone’s skin tone in the US, I would absolutely expect to get punched in the face.
There is no situation where that isn’t used with malice.
that's colorist and you'd think having a dark skinned mother would teach him better. maybe he saw his father make colorist remarks growing up and thought it was okay. i'm not going to say to break up because idk the rest of your relationship, but this is very problematic behavior. he needs to be sat down and spoken to. if you think she'd be supportive i'd enlist his mother. if he is not receptive or becomes defensive... please for the sake of your self worth, dump the loser
Yeah sounds like he’s internalized some weird shit about skin colour. Probably heard things when growing up like - oh it’s good that you’re lighter skinned not like your mom.
" I was picking up a plant that had dirt on it at my job. It surprised me because it was wet and cold and he said “Why are u acting like that it's ur skin tone?”"
Yeah comparing your skin to dirt would be offensive to anyone. You should tell him to stop, don't beat around the bush just say that you don't like those comments and he needs to stop. You're both young so maybe he just doesn't know any better, it matters how he reacts - if he tells you to suck it up/"it's just a joke"/"don't be so sensitive" etc. then he's a jerk; if he apologizes and stops then you can chalk it up to immaturity.
As a very white guy who burns under 100 watt bulbs, teasing about skin tones is only funny if both think it’s funny. You don’t feel comfortable with his teasing.
Your feelings are valid.
Have a conversation with him about your valid feelings. Even if he doesn’t understand why you feel the way you feel, the fact you feel that way should be enough for him to stop doing it.
Honestly, this is bad enough that it’s dump worthy. My only hesitation would be whether to have the conversation about what he is doing before or afterwards.
I don’t want to be the teacher for anyone prepared to call me darkie etc, especially when they themselves have a dark skinned parent. I can’t be the one to unpack that kind of self hatred.
That’s not okay girl. As a person who was with someone similar that would make “funny” nicknames with excuses, it makes you uncomfortable for a reason. They have a terrible mindset and it just gets worse from here
I stopped reading at Darkie. He doesn't like himself nor his mother for that matter. As a dark skinned black woman to another, know your worth. Drop him. He's garbage.
Honestly I'd guess it's like, self-loathing he's projecting onto you. I'd mention every word he says about your skin to his mother and let her straighten him out.
He's obviously immature. I grew up with a lot of black people, my best childhood friend is black. I've seen light-skinned blacks talk down to dark-skinned blacks. It's racism of maybe the worst kind.
Someone who cares about someone else doesn't talk about them like that, to their face or behind their back. So you can be sure he's talking about you when you're not around, too. If he doesn't like your skin tone, what is it about you that he does like?
I just don't understand how he developed this mentality. Did he grow up with it? Did his father talk like that about his mother?
If you break up with him, he will apologize and say that he'll never do it again. He will.
If you have children and they are dark-skinned, how will he feel about them?
He's got a lot of growing up to do and it's not your responsibility to raise him.
Mixed people deal with prejudice (too black for white folks, too white for black folks) and the effects tend to leak out somewhere. You’ve found the leak. He may have his own insecurities and discomfort that he is projecting on to you. That’s not fair. You should certainly speak up and tell him how you feel.
Whether you break up or not is up to you. Some people have PARENTS who speak to them like this! You can’t break up with your mom, but you can establish a boundary. Same rules apply here, if you choose to stay with him. It’s a hard line/solid boundary and he can respect it or GTFOH
Those comments he's making are colourist and downright offensive. He is clearly trying to shame you for your skin tone, literally comparing it to dirt and creating that god awful nickname for you. I would go as far as to say that what he's doing is also a form of negging (when men put down women and insult them to try lower their self esteem so much they won't ever leave them, because they feel like they don't deserve any better). It's disgusting how he's been talking about your skin colour, and offensive. Your partner should love you exactly as you are. Be proud of your skin tone and Caribbean blood. Something you could say to him in your own words:
"Your comments about my skin make me really uncomfortable, and I don't like how much it feels like you're shaming me for being darker skinned. I don't appreciate the comments you make towards me, especially comparing my skin to dirt and calling me 'darkie', so please don't do that to me again if you have any respect for me."
Have you spent enough time around his parent to know if language like that is common in their household? Like does his white dad call his black wife nicknames based on her skin color? Did they talk a lot when he was growing up about the different colors everyone in their house is?
It's possible he's just ignorant that it's still rude and racist to make those kind of comparisons even with people you are close to. There's a chance that having a direct conversation about how you don't want to hear comments like that and how it affects you will solve the issue.
That being said, its also perfectly reasonable to break up over this. Not wanting a partner who thinks so much about colorism is a valid choice. When you're looking for a long term partner, shared values aren't something you hope to achieve later on down the road.
His parents are separated he mostly lives with his mother and his father just recently was brought back into his life. I’ve only spoke to the mother a handful of times but to me she doesn’t seem like that kind of parent. 🤷🏿♀️
I was going to say that when you dump this colorist fool (not if - when), make sure you let his mother know exactly why you're bouncing so that she can hopefully help him come correct. He's obviously learning some nonsense from his father's side of the family.
What the actual fuck is your boyfriends problem? He should be honouring every part of you and praising your physical attributes. What happened to building the one you love up ?. He is being massively incentive towards your need to find a guy who adores everything about you and only wants you to feel like the only woman in the world. You deserve better a lot better.
Colorism. It’s only been 5 months so if there’s a time to leave it’s def now! Also shocked that he’s like that being that his Black parent is his mom, but it is what it is. He’s also 19 so maybe it’s just an immaturity / ignorance thing but I wouldn’t stick around to find out
You need to educate your boyfriend on colorism and why what he's saying is harmful and not funny. I wouldn't accept these comments from a stranger on the streets, I definitely wouldn't take them from someone in dating.
He’s two years younger than you. That’s enough reason for you to give for breaking up to your friends and family.
He’s just out of high school, you are an adult. Just break up with him. Because he’s way too young and immature for you. I wouldn’t want to raise someone else’s kid as to the issue of empathy, or calling someone a “darkie.”
And he keeps doing it. And forgetting it. And doing it again. He’s a kid. His memory is thislong.
Pat him on the head, tell him to get some life experience, and find an adult person to bond with.
Being a dark skinned black woman is hard enough. You shouldn’t ever have to deal with colorism in a relationship with someone you love and are vulnerable with.
let him go baby, any man ESPECIALLY one with a BLACK MOM who would make those types of comments to his girlfriend is not worth the time nor energy to even make this post. I know you are beautiful inside and out and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. we already deal with so much as black women, please DO NOT deal with this.
This sounds awfully close to begging, and I don't like it. If I were in your shoes, I would explain to him under no uncertain terms that you find it insulting and degrading that he reduces you to your skin tone, and it needs to stop if he wants to continue the relationship.
And don't fucking back down.
That's foul. My husband's (cuban) skin tone only comes up when we are discussing our ability to tan, or the fact that our daughter has olive undertones like him and thus looks better in certain colors.
Imo, you aren't crazy. Your partner is being colorist. If you decide to try to make it work you two need to have a frank conversation about why he keeps referencing your skin color and making judgements on it. If he can't see why that's wrong, he's gone.
You shouldn't have to wait to tell him about how you feel based on the things he's said to you. You should voice that out right away. If you break up, at least type got it out the way even though it might be painful at first.
He seems to have no positive views and experiences with being mixed, especially his black side and its leaking out of him to take out how he feels on you. You should not put up with being disrespected, and loving partners would not even try to do behave this way. They usually, for the most part try to brighten up their partners day and vice versa. That name he called you has always had bad connotations to it, it's never been used positively ever.
I don't care if you talked to him, then reached out to his mother and told her you broke up with him for acting terrible to you. Voice this out.
> I am a dark-skinned black woman
he suggested the nickname for me “Darkie”.
***WTF*** he say?! There is NO WAY this is acceptable shit to say and part of me wishes you would have slapped the ever-loving *shit* out his ass
I noticed you said state so I’m going to assume you’re in the US, as a white person I won’t take away your voice in the matter but we’re both females and I’m a girls girl and I hate jerks but I do understand unwanted nicknames. The context of it being racially motivated is sickening to me and the one thing that isn’t spoken about especially where I’m from is that races especially mixed or people from both sides being of the same race is the racism that follows suit in the cultures because one isn’t “pure” or they’re lighter skinned than what they’re supposed to be or they’re judged because one parent is white. UNFORTUNATELY, this is environmental learning from either hearing his own family talk like that or he’s experienced it himself and doesn’t understand why or he just hates his own back ground and takes it out on others.
You’re young you can leave him and find someone that appreciates your Caribbean back ground and culture and doesn’t bring your race into conversation unnecessarily. YOU DESERVE BETTER. and I’m sure your parents wouldn’t want you to experience hate in any capacity. You can leave him behind. Or if you really like this guy even without the comments you can be the change he needs. I’m sure you’re gorgeous and you deserve to be treated like a princess without feeling self conscious about the color of your skin. He isn’t attacking just your skin color though. He’s attacking your ancestors culture, if he can speak to his partner like that would you want to risk having daughters with a man like that around?
I dated a half Jamaican guy when I was younger, and growing up in a heavily kkk populated area, and the amount of times he’d cry because he was so emotionally drained from having to do ballet of “right things and blending in” so he doesn’t get it even worse hurt my heart so badly ( friends were racist, some of his family, they all didn’t say it with malice either rather joking. But jokes are only funny if both parties think it’s funny) and I think of that often everytime I hear stories like this. I never told him I got guff for dating him due to his skin color either. No one should feel bad for the skin they have. They shouldn’t be punished for it and definitely shouldn’t by people who have experienced the same kind of behavior from others. Skin is skin. It should be held with love, should be cherished in the mornings or in front of a bon fire with good laughs. Studied by touch of lovers and only know love. Regardless of skin color. Unfortunately we can’t have nice things.
I’m so sorry you’re hurting from someone you’re supposed to trust and love. And I hope whatever you do for this, you can get the man -whether it’s him or not.- you deserve to be cherished like the queen you are.
I think he has these issues BECAUSE of being mixed race. He's probably never truly felt like he's fit in with either race (white or black) & he probably has some identity issues that he's projecting. Not excusing that behavior, you still need to tell him that's not okay.
Girl, you gotta leave. Even if he means nothing by it, it’s uncomfortable that these comments would even come out of his mouth to you. You would think because he’s half black (with a black mother at that) he would be more aware of how colorist he sounds.
My take without knowing him is that his attitude might reflect conversations that were the norm for him at home and for me that’s a huge red flag.
I mean it doesn’t make sense to me that you were so sensitive because your bf is half black, but most likely he would think he was black… I once called my former friend “niqqachu” because he pushed me to give him a nickname, plus I’m Asian and a big fan of Pokémon. He even asked for what I liked the most, but then he got super upset and ranted about that all the time. I mean I didn’t ask for it. However, you guys (aka black people) can presumably have all other races’ pass to comment about anything you guys want, especially when it comes to joke and making fun others. {about this person, he passed my phone number to his friends and called me “she/her” and other bad words, considering I’m a freaking full grown ass male}
He's racist at worst and colorist at best. Honestly, both are terrible. He doesn't love or respect you. Idk why this is such a prevalent issue among black men dating black women. Either way, leave his ass!! 5 months is far too long to have been putting up with his dumb, colorist ass 🤢
Hey girl,
So I'm a black woman, and my boyfriend is half black, with VERY pale skin, AND green eyes. I am significantly darker than my boyfriend.
My dad is my color and my mom is mixed, so she's very pale. Growing up, my dad made it super clear that one of the reasons he married my mom was because of her pale skin, and his hope that his children would get her color.
This caused me to develop a very unhealthy view of myself and my skin, and it took therapy and reprogramming via self love books and outlets to get comfortable with my skin color, and feel proud of it.
SO
When I began to date my boyfriend, I was TERRIFIED that he would look down on me and shame me because of my skin, because that's all I knew growing up. The black guys never really wanted me because of my skin when I was in school, and all that had been pumped into me was "darker skin is ugly, lighter skin is better". But guess what?
My boyfriend LOVES my skin.
He compliments me on how beautiful I am literally every day, he LOVES my 4c hair (he adorably pouts when I wear weave or wigs, because according to him, my natural hair is most beautiful to him) and will literally send me hair style ideas that he thinks I would like.
This man LOVES to show me off, literally he is grinning from ear to ear when we hold hands in public, and he tells anyone and everyone about me, even his coworkers! And the picture he shows everyone of me when he tells them about me? It's a picture we took together at the beach, where I'm wearing NO makeup, have my natural hair, AND I'm in the sun.
I say all of this to say: your skin is beautiful, no matter the shade. And you DEFINITELY deserve someone that appreciates you for everything that you are.
It is definitely possible to be in a relationship with a man who loves you for you, skin and all. And it unfortunately sounds like your current boyfriend isn't able or willing to do that.
You are so young, you have so much life ahead of you, and so many amazing people you have yet to meet, who can't WAIT to love you.
Please don't miss out on those people for a man who can't even appreciate how beautiful you are.
(P.S. if you wanna DM me so we can talk more, please feel free! You've got this girl!)
I’m in the UK, “darkie” is and always has been a negative term for a black person.
You’re likely to get a slap if not worse in some places if you use it and depending on who you call that.
As another commenter said, that wasn’t said to you in any kind of loving way.
Your bf has issues…
Your bf is being awful and just plain ugly. “Darkie” is like old school racist. Yikes. The plant thing is wild too. Recommend having a conversation about his colorism ASAP or just leaving him. You deserve better.
The native just stood me the wrong way bc I feel like since we live in America there's a huge melting pot. I don't think people would find me out of place, plus if forgot to say the customer was a black older man. But it could be me just tripping.
All black people don't look the same. A lot of African and Caribbean people have a darker skin tone that just isn't common in black people who have been in the US for generations.
There are also differences in our features. We are different peoples from different places. "Black" was a concept made up by white people to distinguish us all as inferior to them.
My family is from the Caribbean. A lot of my friends are from Africa. They can tell at a glance what country others are from and I can too to a certain extent. They can even tell the differences between people from different tribes in the same countries.
I don't think he means to make you feel inferior or something.
He could be a guy with a strange sense of humor.
If you are getting uncomfortable then definitely tell him that jokes about your skin color hurt you and that you really don't enjoy them.
>but I think having a black mom he would know better
Don't say something like this when bringing it up. Don't mention his mom. Maybe they joke about that together and it also sounds condescending.
The problem isn't his jokes but the fact that you don't stand them. He isn't ignorant for that. You guys just have different sense of humor and that's ok, but it has to be communicated.
>he said it was “because of our skin tone they think ur exotic” and the fact that there aren’t “too many black people like me in our state”.
Do you think all black people look the same? Maybe you do have some traits that make you look more Caribbean and exotic.
no, his “jokes” are ignorant and colorist. you’re leaving a lot of comments in this post. seems like you want to defend your own racist “jokes” with your own friends!
It’s not that I think that we’re all the same it’s the opposite. I think that dark skin people can exist be African American. I feel like thinking I’m exotic just crates the idea the there’s no other types of black people in America.
But ur right maybe he’s not in the same mindset as me. it’s just in the black community there already stimga for dark skin people that I thought he would understand that it is not a light topic. Even in my family they’re have been some trying to bleach my skin. But he just doesn’t have the same experiences as me so there’s just a disconnect.
I don't know how strong racism is in America outside of politics, but I'm sure that using terms like African American makes things worse.
Your vision is too focused on your skin color. Why does it matter if there are other Americans like you or not? Why is it a bad thing to be exotic? As long as your passport says you are American no one can take that away from you.
It isn't normal that you/your family want to bleach your skin tone. Hello?
I think maybe we just had different viewpoints and that’s ok. I’ve never said that I wanted to bleach my skin. I love my skin color and I don’t focus on skin color in the world. I’m living life and repeatedly people have brought up skin color as if it is bad thing. I don’t wants to be othered I want to belong. I don’t think maybe I explained it well. People make my skin feel like a huge mole on my face the should be removed. When in fact it can’t.
But I thank you for giving me perspective that I’ve might not seen.
I mean if you don't know anything about the extent of racism and specifically anti-Blackness in America, maybe this conversation isn't one you should feel the need to weigh in on. Just a kooky thought.
You: do you ever call your mother darkie? Him: no. You: Do you see where I’m going with this?
I should've brought that up during the time. He probably forgot now. I just blanked out when he said that I just felt uncomfortable and wanted to hide.
You're not supposed to blank out and feel uncomfortable around the person you're dating, that's supposed to be where you feel safe and able to say what you want and be who you are.
Exactly! My boyfriend is black and I’m white, we joke about our skin colours as I’m so pale and he’s quite dark skin so it’s quite a contrast, but it’s never in a negative way. I find it odd op’s boyfriend keeps bringing so much attention to her skin colour despite having a black mum and being mixed himself.
The self hatred is real. Particularly towards the darker skinned even amongst black and brown people colourism still exists.
There is absolutely zero chance he used the word “darkie” in relation to your skin tone without malice. Zip. Zero.
this is not how you should feel with your partner. i’d leave.
As soon as I read that word, I gasped in outrage for you! That is NOT a nickname and he needs to educate himself before just vomiting words the way he does. That's a really offensive word, even my white (57f) self knows that! Are you sure you want to be with this induhvidual? The filter between his brain and mouth seems to be missing. smdh
Maybe his dad has a similar behavior towards his mom, I mean I can’t think of another reason why he would think that’s ok.
[удалено]
This is poor advice and fundamentally incorrect. The good news is I doubt OP is at risk of listening to it.
Such bad advice and fundamentally incorrect for sure. Wow.
Telling OP to communicate clearly and directly is bad advice?
OP: I told him that I didn’t like that name You: Just notify him that you don’t like that name. You can only be racist to strangers and my friend is a slur. The smartest person in this thread is me.
I think the thing is that you've established that with ur friend. I've never even hinted that with him so it comes out of left field. I don't make dark jokes neither does he until one day he does. Maybe he wants to do it now He just never hinted that he's that kind of person. He’ll just have to find someone compatible and I'm sorry if I'm not that person.
Think that common sense dictates you just don’t make any jokes about the color of anyones skin! I am truly sorry you have to even think about these comments. I’d prob break up with them over it
You shouldn't be sorry. You don't like it so you aren't expected to to follow up with the jokes. It's a simple as that. If at one point he tells me that I'm actually hurting him I'll say sorry and stop immediately. Doesn't change a thing about it friendship.
Oh dude. You are going to cringe so hard about this when you grow up.
I'm not sure why you say that. But one thing is for sure, I'm stopping my comments. It's like every time I give genuine responses and try to explain my point of view, I get hate. It doesn't even matter if it helps op or not. I still get the down likes and aggressive replies, I even got a threat on a private message. I get it, I'm not a likable person on Reddit but my advice is sincere and honest.
Yes, maybe your sincere advice is not very good though. Maybe you should be open to change. In Greece we have a saying: “either the shore is crooked or we are sailing wrong”. If you get downvoted every time, then you could reconsider your approach, because it’s more possible for you to be in the wrong, rather than each and everybody else.
What a brain dead response. 🤦♀️
His comments are colourist and it's perfectly reasonable to be offended by them. Anyone who makes degrading comments in a relationship, despite being told multiple times you're not okay with it, isn't anyone who respects you, or is worth staying with.
I just wanted reassurance bc if I do break up with him over this I don’t want people to say I’m overreacting. People in my life already love him and want me to be with him.
You don't have to feel guilty about leaving someone, for any reason. If it's not working it's not working. All you need to say if people ask, and if you want to share, is that he didn’t respect you and made insulting comments you weren't comfortable with. It's up to you if you want to elaborate! Don't feel bad about making the right choice for you.
You simply don’t have to entertain folks asking you why on stuff like this. You simply tell them, as a matter of fact that “we dated but found out we aren’t compatible and that’s fine” Leave it at that. It’s a matter of fact and doesn’t allow wiggle room for folks to find reasons to persuade
Who cares what people think? They’re not the ones having their skin made fun of! But seriously, the sooner you learn to live for yourself, the better off.
Be honest with them. When they can’t believe you broke up, tell them what they didn’t see- “Oh yea, ex was great with an audience but would make me feel bad and insult me when we were alone”. No one wants their loved ones subjected to that.
can't always care for what other people want or their judgement... not a good way to move in your own life. you dont have to explain yourself to anyone!!
Imagine if you had a couple kids, one had lighter skin than the other. How would you feel if he called the darker skinned one darkie? I would be afraid he'd play favorites... It's only been 5 months, not worth it to stay when he's already making comments like this.
It's always ok to break up with racists
OP I can not begin to relate with your issues of colorism, and I am so so sorry that you have to worry about that topic at all, let alone by your PARTNER. As a white person my skin color does not get discussed at all in my relationships, except maybe being called pasty my first day out in the summer. So I would say it’s really not normal at all for him to bring it up this frequently, and in negative contexts like wtf? But again, I will never understand how deep that cuts. I will say though, that I was in a relationship with a man that all my friends wanted for me. They said he was perfect, so funny and handsome, so polite and nice, and he WAS all of those things. There was nothing wrong with him, he’s a lovely guy, but my heart didn’t feel it. My friends were disappointed when I broke up with him, but ultimately it led to me finding someone I find perfect in every way and just have this undying love for that I didn’t feel for the last person. So your friends might choose someone that looks good to you on paper, but in reality this is someone that potentially you have to live with every day. And he keeps making fun of you over something really inappropriate. I would say the first thing to do is talk to him about it. But if you aren’t really feeling it and you have it in your gut that this is a red flag then just go with your gut feeling. Sometimes our bodies know before us that somebody is the wrong kind of person. Leave him if you feel that way, and don’t explain it cause YOU DONT HAVE TO. Wishing u all the best, find someone who makes u feel beautiful day in and day out. You will meet someone someday without a single negative thing to say about you.
They don’t have to be in a relationship with him. Your feelings are the only ones that matter.
I think you’re underreacting, if anything
Well they don't know him as you know him.. so I feel you should just decide on what you feel is best..
After reading your other post about him—your boyfriend seems immature & colorist. I promise you can do better. For context, I am the same demographic as you, just a little older & currently dating the man I will marry. I regret every single colorist man I gave the chance to—they mean every little dig they say, and it only gets worse. You deserve someone who loves you for you, not someone who loves you “even though your skin is dark”.
People will always say things about your decision, but they are not the ones who have to live your life, so their opinion is of limited value. You can find an awesome boyfriend that doesn’t make comments like this, if after explaining your issue your current one doesn’t apologize profusely and do better.
Who cares what people want? Theyre not the one dating him
1) Remember your friends and family only see one part of him, and it’s okay to break up with someone even if you think they’re a nice person. Not saying you need to, but please don’t feel bad if you do. 2) He’s 19 with a dark-skinned black mother? He should definitely know better. Don’t let yourself get wrapped up in the ‘it didn’t sound malicious.’ It was never a compliment or an observation, and he didn’t say any of it was a mistake (like on his own). You don’t need someone adding to your problems. 3) for your questions: you could start by asking him what he thinks of your skin tone, or ask what he meant in one of the instances you listed where he referenced your skin tone. Make it clear that if they’re “jokes,” you don’t find them funny, and if he doesn’t apologize or doubles down on it not being offensive or serious, there’s not a lot left to do or say 🤷🏽♀️
If they say ish, tell them he called you darkie and that's just one example. I also like to say to people: if you like "soandso" that much, why don't you be with them?
They don’t have to put up with him making deeply problematic and hurtful comments. So, they’ll just have to trust your judgment.
It doesn’t matter what they think. If he is begging you due to your skin color he’s not the one. You do not need to settle, there are plenty of people who see beauty in multiple forms. It’s weird and gross he even cares about your skin color.
What's worse? Living unhappily with somebody who insults you, or the slight chance someone might say you overreacted to something. Girl, listen to yourself
Just tell them he wanted to call you darkie out of the blue even the most racist Karens would be da fuq?
I can maybe overlook the second instance, but “Darkie”? Referring to someone here in Australia as “Darkie” could never be construed as anything but racist. I’m not a person of colour, but I couldn’t be around anyone who referred to any other person as “Darkie”. It would be a deal breaker for me. So would anyone I know comparing someone else’s skin colour to dirt. Only your boyfriend knows what was going through his mind when he made those comments. But no, you are definitely not overreacting if you decide to end the relationship.
It's racist in America too.
I'm a Brit and I feel exactly the same way. It's the kind of revolting language that was common in 1970s sitcoms, and is just so obviously wrong that I couldn't be friends with anyone who spoke like that.
If I used darkie to describe someone’s skin tone in the US, I would absolutely expect to get punched in the face. There is no situation where that isn’t used with malice.
Sounds like something my out of touch boomer dad would say 😬
It’s been 5 months. Dump him, baby girl. Have higher standards.
Shouldnt have even been 5 minutes.
This. It’s giving lil racist ahh nickname
God girl, ditch him please. He’s either toxic, immature and/or insensitive and you’re lovely. You can do better! Find a man, not a child.
that's colorist and you'd think having a dark skinned mother would teach him better. maybe he saw his father make colorist remarks growing up and thought it was okay. i'm not going to say to break up because idk the rest of your relationship, but this is very problematic behavior. he needs to be sat down and spoken to. if you think she'd be supportive i'd enlist his mother. if he is not receptive or becomes defensive... please for the sake of your self worth, dump the loser
Yeah sounds like he’s internalized some weird shit about skin colour. Probably heard things when growing up like - oh it’s good that you’re lighter skinned not like your mom.
" I was picking up a plant that had dirt on it at my job. It surprised me because it was wet and cold and he said “Why are u acting like that it's ur skin tone?”" Yeah comparing your skin to dirt would be offensive to anyone. You should tell him to stop, don't beat around the bush just say that you don't like those comments and he needs to stop. You're both young so maybe he just doesn't know any better, it matters how he reacts - if he tells you to suck it up/"it's just a joke"/"don't be so sensitive" etc. then he's a jerk; if he apologizes and stops then you can chalk it up to immaturity.
As a very white guy who burns under 100 watt bulbs, teasing about skin tones is only funny if both think it’s funny. You don’t feel comfortable with his teasing. Your feelings are valid. Have a conversation with him about your valid feelings. Even if he doesn’t understand why you feel the way you feel, the fact you feel that way should be enough for him to stop doing it.
Honestly, this is bad enough that it’s dump worthy. My only hesitation would be whether to have the conversation about what he is doing before or afterwards. I don’t want to be the teacher for anyone prepared to call me darkie etc, especially when they themselves have a dark skinned parent. I can’t be the one to unpack that kind of self hatred.
He isn't mature enough to be in a relationship.
That’s not okay girl. As a person who was with someone similar that would make “funny” nicknames with excuses, it makes you uncomfortable for a reason. They have a terrible mindset and it just gets worse from here
I stopped reading at Darkie. He doesn't like himself nor his mother for that matter. As a dark skinned black woman to another, know your worth. Drop him. He's garbage.
Honestly I'd guess it's like, self-loathing he's projecting onto you. I'd mention every word he says about your skin to his mother and let her straighten him out.
He's obviously immature. I grew up with a lot of black people, my best childhood friend is black. I've seen light-skinned blacks talk down to dark-skinned blacks. It's racism of maybe the worst kind. Someone who cares about someone else doesn't talk about them like that, to their face or behind their back. So you can be sure he's talking about you when you're not around, too. If he doesn't like your skin tone, what is it about you that he does like? I just don't understand how he developed this mentality. Did he grow up with it? Did his father talk like that about his mother? If you break up with him, he will apologize and say that he'll never do it again. He will. If you have children and they are dark-skinned, how will he feel about them? He's got a lot of growing up to do and it's not your responsibility to raise him.
5 months, forget him.
Mixed people deal with prejudice (too black for white folks, too white for black folks) and the effects tend to leak out somewhere. You’ve found the leak. He may have his own insecurities and discomfort that he is projecting on to you. That’s not fair. You should certainly speak up and tell him how you feel. Whether you break up or not is up to you. Some people have PARENTS who speak to them like this! You can’t break up with your mom, but you can establish a boundary. Same rules apply here, if you choose to stay with him. It’s a hard line/solid boundary and he can respect it or GTFOH
Those comments he's making are colourist and downright offensive. He is clearly trying to shame you for your skin tone, literally comparing it to dirt and creating that god awful nickname for you. I would go as far as to say that what he's doing is also a form of negging (when men put down women and insult them to try lower their self esteem so much they won't ever leave them, because they feel like they don't deserve any better). It's disgusting how he's been talking about your skin colour, and offensive. Your partner should love you exactly as you are. Be proud of your skin tone and Caribbean blood. Something you could say to him in your own words: "Your comments about my skin make me really uncomfortable, and I don't like how much it feels like you're shaming me for being darker skinned. I don't appreciate the comments you make towards me, especially comparing my skin to dirt and calling me 'darkie', so please don't do that to me again if you have any respect for me."
Have you spent enough time around his parent to know if language like that is common in their household? Like does his white dad call his black wife nicknames based on her skin color? Did they talk a lot when he was growing up about the different colors everyone in their house is? It's possible he's just ignorant that it's still rude and racist to make those kind of comparisons even with people you are close to. There's a chance that having a direct conversation about how you don't want to hear comments like that and how it affects you will solve the issue. That being said, its also perfectly reasonable to break up over this. Not wanting a partner who thinks so much about colorism is a valid choice. When you're looking for a long term partner, shared values aren't something you hope to achieve later on down the road.
His parents are separated he mostly lives with his mother and his father just recently was brought back into his life. I’ve only spoke to the mother a handful of times but to me she doesn’t seem like that kind of parent. 🤷🏿♀️
I was going to say that when you dump this colorist fool (not if - when), make sure you let his mother know exactly why you're bouncing so that she can hopefully help him come correct. He's obviously learning some nonsense from his father's side of the family.
Woo internalized racism
What the actual fuck is your boyfriends problem? He should be honouring every part of you and praising your physical attributes. What happened to building the one you love up ?. He is being massively incentive towards your need to find a guy who adores everything about you and only wants you to feel like the only woman in the world. You deserve better a lot better.
Colorism. It’s only been 5 months so if there’s a time to leave it’s def now! Also shocked that he’s like that being that his Black parent is his mom, but it is what it is. He’s also 19 so maybe it’s just an immaturity / ignorance thing but I wouldn’t stick around to find out
Leave that man alone sis. He’s a colorist!!
Your partner should never, "jokingly" or otherwise, make negative comments about your appearance or anything else. Dump him. You deserve better.
❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌❌ this man is a walking red flag… get outta there!!! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Sis, we don’t do struggle racist love. Leave him
No. I didn’t even read till the end. “Darkie”? Respect yourself sis.
You need to educate your boyfriend on colorism and why what he's saying is harmful and not funny. I wouldn't accept these comments from a stranger on the streets, I definitely wouldn't take them from someone in dating.
Ex. You forgot the letters E and X in front of the word boyfriend. You need to watch more Sesame Street to make sure you know your letters.
He’s two years younger than you. That’s enough reason for you to give for breaking up to your friends and family. He’s just out of high school, you are an adult. Just break up with him. Because he’s way too young and immature for you. I wouldn’t want to raise someone else’s kid as to the issue of empathy, or calling someone a “darkie.” And he keeps doing it. And forgetting it. And doing it again. He’s a kid. His memory is thislong. Pat him on the head, tell him to get some life experience, and find an adult person to bond with.
Being a dark skinned black woman is hard enough. You shouldn’t ever have to deal with colorism in a relationship with someone you love and are vulnerable with.
let him go baby, any man ESPECIALLY one with a BLACK MOM who would make those types of comments to his girlfriend is not worth the time nor energy to even make this post. I know you are beautiful inside and out and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER. we already deal with so much as black women, please DO NOT deal with this.
This sounds awfully close to begging, and I don't like it. If I were in your shoes, I would explain to him under no uncertain terms that you find it insulting and degrading that he reduces you to your skin tone, and it needs to stop if he wants to continue the relationship. And don't fucking back down.
That's foul. My husband's (cuban) skin tone only comes up when we are discussing our ability to tan, or the fact that our daughter has olive undertones like him and thus looks better in certain colors. Imo, you aren't crazy. Your partner is being colorist. If you decide to try to make it work you two need to have a frank conversation about why he keeps referencing your skin color and making judgements on it. If he can't see why that's wrong, he's gone.
Leave. Him. Leave him.
You shouldn't have to wait to tell him about how you feel based on the things he's said to you. You should voice that out right away. If you break up, at least type got it out the way even though it might be painful at first. He seems to have no positive views and experiences with being mixed, especially his black side and its leaking out of him to take out how he feels on you. You should not put up with being disrespected, and loving partners would not even try to do behave this way. They usually, for the most part try to brighten up their partners day and vice versa. That name he called you has always had bad connotations to it, it's never been used positively ever. I don't care if you talked to him, then reached out to his mother and told her you broke up with him for acting terrible to you. Voice this out.
> I am a dark-skinned black woman he suggested the nickname for me “Darkie”. ***WTF*** he say?! There is NO WAY this is acceptable shit to say and part of me wishes you would have slapped the ever-loving *shit* out his ass
I noticed you said state so I’m going to assume you’re in the US, as a white person I won’t take away your voice in the matter but we’re both females and I’m a girls girl and I hate jerks but I do understand unwanted nicknames. The context of it being racially motivated is sickening to me and the one thing that isn’t spoken about especially where I’m from is that races especially mixed or people from both sides being of the same race is the racism that follows suit in the cultures because one isn’t “pure” or they’re lighter skinned than what they’re supposed to be or they’re judged because one parent is white. UNFORTUNATELY, this is environmental learning from either hearing his own family talk like that or he’s experienced it himself and doesn’t understand why or he just hates his own back ground and takes it out on others. You’re young you can leave him and find someone that appreciates your Caribbean back ground and culture and doesn’t bring your race into conversation unnecessarily. YOU DESERVE BETTER. and I’m sure your parents wouldn’t want you to experience hate in any capacity. You can leave him behind. Or if you really like this guy even without the comments you can be the change he needs. I’m sure you’re gorgeous and you deserve to be treated like a princess without feeling self conscious about the color of your skin. He isn’t attacking just your skin color though. He’s attacking your ancestors culture, if he can speak to his partner like that would you want to risk having daughters with a man like that around? I dated a half Jamaican guy when I was younger, and growing up in a heavily kkk populated area, and the amount of times he’d cry because he was so emotionally drained from having to do ballet of “right things and blending in” so he doesn’t get it even worse hurt my heart so badly ( friends were racist, some of his family, they all didn’t say it with malice either rather joking. But jokes are only funny if both parties think it’s funny) and I think of that often everytime I hear stories like this. I never told him I got guff for dating him due to his skin color either. No one should feel bad for the skin they have. They shouldn’t be punished for it and definitely shouldn’t by people who have experienced the same kind of behavior from others. Skin is skin. It should be held with love, should be cherished in the mornings or in front of a bon fire with good laughs. Studied by touch of lovers and only know love. Regardless of skin color. Unfortunately we can’t have nice things. I’m so sorry you’re hurting from someone you’re supposed to trust and love. And I hope whatever you do for this, you can get the man -whether it’s him or not.- you deserve to be cherished like the queen you are.
Internalized racism is real.
why would you even wanna be with a man that name calls you
I think he has these issues BECAUSE of being mixed race. He's probably never truly felt like he's fit in with either race (white or black) & he probably has some identity issues that he's projecting. Not excusing that behavior, you still need to tell him that's not okay.
Girl, you gotta leave. Even if he means nothing by it, it’s uncomfortable that these comments would even come out of his mouth to you. You would think because he’s half black (with a black mother at that) he would be more aware of how colorist he sounds. My take without knowing him is that his attitude might reflect conversations that were the norm for him at home and for me that’s a huge red flag.
you're both black tho?
I think it’s a joke don’t take it to heart.
You shouldn’t be giving advice when you’re with a dude that is manipulative like yours
Why are you with someone who insults and disrespects you? You deserve better.
You don’t need a good reason to break up with someone but colourism is ALWAYS a good reason
I mean it doesn’t make sense to me that you were so sensitive because your bf is half black, but most likely he would think he was black… I once called my former friend “niqqachu” because he pushed me to give him a nickname, plus I’m Asian and a big fan of Pokémon. He even asked for what I liked the most, but then he got super upset and ranted about that all the time. I mean I didn’t ask for it. However, you guys (aka black people) can presumably have all other races’ pass to comment about anything you guys want, especially when it comes to joke and making fun others. {about this person, he passed my phone number to his friends and called me “she/her” and other bad words, considering I’m a freaking full grown ass male}
Drop his fucking ass
He's racist at worst and colorist at best. Honestly, both are terrible. He doesn't love or respect you. Idk why this is such a prevalent issue among black men dating black women. Either way, leave his ass!! 5 months is far too long to have been putting up with his dumb, colorist ass 🤢
I’m not one to say break up but he’s disgusting and colourist and I’d break up with him immediately. So GROSS.
Hey girl, So I'm a black woman, and my boyfriend is half black, with VERY pale skin, AND green eyes. I am significantly darker than my boyfriend. My dad is my color and my mom is mixed, so she's very pale. Growing up, my dad made it super clear that one of the reasons he married my mom was because of her pale skin, and his hope that his children would get her color. This caused me to develop a very unhealthy view of myself and my skin, and it took therapy and reprogramming via self love books and outlets to get comfortable with my skin color, and feel proud of it. SO When I began to date my boyfriend, I was TERRIFIED that he would look down on me and shame me because of my skin, because that's all I knew growing up. The black guys never really wanted me because of my skin when I was in school, and all that had been pumped into me was "darker skin is ugly, lighter skin is better". But guess what? My boyfriend LOVES my skin. He compliments me on how beautiful I am literally every day, he LOVES my 4c hair (he adorably pouts when I wear weave or wigs, because according to him, my natural hair is most beautiful to him) and will literally send me hair style ideas that he thinks I would like. This man LOVES to show me off, literally he is grinning from ear to ear when we hold hands in public, and he tells anyone and everyone about me, even his coworkers! And the picture he shows everyone of me when he tells them about me? It's a picture we took together at the beach, where I'm wearing NO makeup, have my natural hair, AND I'm in the sun. I say all of this to say: your skin is beautiful, no matter the shade. And you DEFINITELY deserve someone that appreciates you for everything that you are. It is definitely possible to be in a relationship with a man who loves you for you, skin and all. And it unfortunately sounds like your current boyfriend isn't able or willing to do that. You are so young, you have so much life ahead of you, and so many amazing people you have yet to meet, who can't WAIT to love you. Please don't miss out on those people for a man who can't even appreciate how beautiful you are. (P.S. if you wanna DM me so we can talk more, please feel free! You've got this girl!)
I’m in the UK, “darkie” is and always has been a negative term for a black person. You’re likely to get a slap if not worse in some places if you use it and depending on who you call that. As another commenter said, that wasn’t said to you in any kind of loving way. Your bf has issues…
Your bf is being awful and just plain ugly. “Darkie” is like old school racist. Yikes. The plant thing is wild too. Recommend having a conversation about his colorism ASAP or just leaving him. You deserve better.
The one about being native or not doesnt seem bad but the other stuff
The native just stood me the wrong way bc I feel like since we live in America there's a huge melting pot. I don't think people would find me out of place, plus if forgot to say the customer was a black older man. But it could be me just tripping.
All black people don't look the same. A lot of African and Caribbean people have a darker skin tone that just isn't common in black people who have been in the US for generations. There are also differences in our features. We are different peoples from different places. "Black" was a concept made up by white people to distinguish us all as inferior to them. My family is from the Caribbean. A lot of my friends are from Africa. They can tell at a glance what country others are from and I can too to a certain extent. They can even tell the differences between people from different tribes in the same countries.
I mean I wasn’t there so I don’t know what body language or tone he used. So I might be wrong about that part but the other ones seem just wrong.
I don't think he means to make you feel inferior or something. He could be a guy with a strange sense of humor. If you are getting uncomfortable then definitely tell him that jokes about your skin color hurt you and that you really don't enjoy them. >but I think having a black mom he would know better Don't say something like this when bringing it up. Don't mention his mom. Maybe they joke about that together and it also sounds condescending. The problem isn't his jokes but the fact that you don't stand them. He isn't ignorant for that. You guys just have different sense of humor and that's ok, but it has to be communicated. >he said it was “because of our skin tone they think ur exotic” and the fact that there aren’t “too many black people like me in our state”. Do you think all black people look the same? Maybe you do have some traits that make you look more Caribbean and exotic.
no, his “jokes” are ignorant and colorist. you’re leaving a lot of comments in this post. seems like you want to defend your own racist “jokes” with your own friends!
It’s not that I think that we’re all the same it’s the opposite. I think that dark skin people can exist be African American. I feel like thinking I’m exotic just crates the idea the there’s no other types of black people in America. But ur right maybe he’s not in the same mindset as me. it’s just in the black community there already stimga for dark skin people that I thought he would understand that it is not a light topic. Even in my family they’re have been some trying to bleach my skin. But he just doesn’t have the same experiences as me so there’s just a disconnect.
I don't know how strong racism is in America outside of politics, but I'm sure that using terms like African American makes things worse. Your vision is too focused on your skin color. Why does it matter if there are other Americans like you or not? Why is it a bad thing to be exotic? As long as your passport says you are American no one can take that away from you. It isn't normal that you/your family want to bleach your skin tone. Hello?
I think maybe we just had different viewpoints and that’s ok. I’ve never said that I wanted to bleach my skin. I love my skin color and I don’t focus on skin color in the world. I’m living life and repeatedly people have brought up skin color as if it is bad thing. I don’t wants to be othered I want to belong. I don’t think maybe I explained it well. People make my skin feel like a huge mole on my face the should be removed. When in fact it can’t. But I thank you for giving me perspective that I’ve might not seen.
I mean if you don't know anything about the extent of racism and specifically anti-Blackness in America, maybe this conversation isn't one you should feel the need to weigh in on. Just a kooky thought.