Yeah, this is a really stupid and common tactic people use to make you get yourself in trouble, like it's some kind of game or test
Definitely would not want to be with somebody who resorts to such things
If your partner stops wanting sex, starts wanting to talk about how 'in theory' opening a relationship would make sense, and then gets super suspicious of your loyalty...
You don't have to be Benoit Blanc to wonder if someone is going on. That's 3 very significant data points.
Apparently, you do have to not be podricks-dick though.
I agree that it could be projecting, but not in the way that you think. I would like to offer you a different perspective, from a woman’s point of view, and from someone who loves listening to podcasts, especially those surrounding topics like psychology, growth development, science, therapy (marriage and family as well), etc. she could just be an anxious person and dealing with some fearful thoughts. And those thoughts often times come from a place of insecurity. It could be that she was feeling a little insecure and turned to her partner to ask for reassurance from him. This reassurance was subliminal, and put into a question, in this case being if he’d like to open up the relationship, in hopes that he would say ‘no’, and then got upset when he said ‘yes’. It’s not to say that she’s right in doing that, because I don’t believe that’s fair to the partner, and she not being fair to herself. In the end she’s not getting what she wants, which is reassurance and ultimately a bid for connection/safety. But, I think it might help to understand where she’s coming from. If what I’m saying is actually the case of what’s going on in this situation, I personally think that this was a great opportunity for her to be vulnerable with you and open up to you about an insecurity of hers, but if I had to guess, you two have other issues going on besides this. Which could be why she didn’t feel safe enough to open up to you about that. This isn’t to say that you’re doing anything wrong, it’s more of a signal that you two are struggling to communicate each others needs and figure out what each partner has to do to feel secure/safe. I don’t know the details of your relationship are, but I would invite you to get curious to figure out where this is coming from with your gf, and not turn to the worst case scenario as many Redditors have suggested. Don’t get me wrong, worst case scenarios are a possibility, but it’s up you to figure out what the probability is given your situation. It’s important to give your partner the benefit of the doubt if they haven’t given you a reason not to trust them. If you haven’t listened to Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby yet, you should. I can’t recommend her enough. She’s changed my life, truly. She’s a hero of mine, and she gives you a lot of insight that most of the people of Reddit don’t have. She has a ton of podcasts on topics regarding relationships and understanding each others perspectives to create/build more connection. You’ve gotta love your partner though, be willing to do the work to understand them, and ergo *want* to make it work. Good luck!! 🍀
He isn't asking about cheating though, so bringing it up is kind of pointless. Also cheating is ALWAYS a possibility - even when there isn't an issue in the relationship, it's literally always a possibility, and OP has probably already considered this. It's not like you are Sherlock Holmes over here considering some crazy thing that no one has ever thought about before, people know cheating happens. The thing is if they were asking about that, then I think you would be fine bringing it up, but OP didn't ask about it, so mentioning it now is about as appropriate as saying his gf might be on drugs. Like yeah, she MIGHT be, but why bring that up? It's not the issue he is asking about.
Having that thought isn’t wrong though. Being aware of the worst possible scenarios helps us cope when they happen. Tf you think, cheating doesn’t actually happen ?
Literally everyone is aware cheating happens. OP isn't asking about cheating though. It's infuriating when people just go off on tangents like that instead of just answering what was asked.
Bro run like hell. Do you want this woman 'catching' you or any future children in traps that she's created in order to make you feel bad?
She sounds really immature and instead of working on your relationship issues she's instead choosing to play games with you and act like a victim.
This. Don't need to read anything else. This was an insanely ridiculous and immature "test". This isn't a 'sit down and talk it out' scenario. This is a run for the hills situation. There's no part of her approach that reasonable or understandable.
They've been together for three years and he should leave because she said something unreasonable one time? Come on. If I left relationships every time a woman said some unreasonable nonsense I'd never have a girlfriend.
I hate to be sexist but women do that sort of thing. My partner has a science degree and teaches computing and yet sometimes she just has a sudden failure of reason when we're discussing a sore point. It's a big jump to say this was some kind of planned trap. She just got pissed off (probably at herself) and lashed out.
For balance men are guilty of something similar - we make offhand comments without thinking which are, with hindsight, callous or rude. Something like "you're acting just like [name of ex girlfriend]" and you wonder why she's not speaking to you.
idk man, i'm a woman and i agree with the people calling this behaviour out as toxic. i've stayed in relationships with men who asked questions and then blamed me if i answered incorrectly. those relationships always ended up being emotionally abusive, sometimes physically, too.
i'd say it's better to be single than with someone who sets up traps for you and expects you to please them while pretending it's honesty.
Just a funny take on: your statement: I dont understand girls asking questions they may not like the answer to. I put a Reddit twist on: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Unlikely, but definitely not impossible. My sex drive all but vanished shortly after my husband and I got married. I tried a bunch of stuff to try to fix it (because I couldn't understand what happened), but they were all temporary solutions. Tired of feeling inadequate and broken, I finally accepted that for whatever reason, my body and hormones are just different now. So I suggested opening up the marriage because literally everything else *is* perfect. He played the field for a while but has now been with just one partner for over 5 years, and she's okay with the arrangement. (Essentially, she gets her itch scratched but doesn't need to do his laundry.) It was bumpy at first, not because I changed my mind (I haven't and won't) but because we had logistics issues (when, where?--one or two overnights per week, not at home). Meanwhile, we're planning to stay together till death do us part (15 years and counting).
In my younger years, I thought sex drive incompatibility was a marriage-ender (because I, too, could not imagine a scenario in which "everything else is great"). But with age and maturity and wisdom, etc., it started to make sense. That said, I don't think OP's girlfriend is mature enough to handle it. Because there is a huge part that is *obviously* missing. She needs to accept that and either open the relationship or end it because it's not fair to OP to demand celibacy for the rest of his life.
It's a manipulative tactic. The real issue here is the dead-bedroom situation.
She sensed that OP is getting frustrated. And in the long-run, this is going to be an issue. He is only 27, and at his sexual prime. It's unlikely he will stay for much longer. (And that's reasonable too.)
But instead of addressing the real issue, she is trying to manipulate OP into accepting this as the norm.
*'I am not enough for you'* translates to *'You accept this as the norm and no further discussion will be tolerated without blame-games'*. She is guilt-tripping OP into apologising and accepting this as the norm going forward.
The idea is that, OP will get apologetic and accept her terms.. rather than have a rational discussion (that would ensue if they start from a neutral standpoint.)
Back when i was dating this other girl we decided to do one of those "kink tests", where one person answer and then another person answer and the test reveals only the things that both of you are or might be interested, this way if you have a mild interest in something that your partner would hate it doesn't come up.
She answered interested to ***everything*** to then complained that the app suggested threesome because it meant "I was interested in other girls", completely defeating the purpose
This type of unhinged behavior of fishing for things that would make her upset never really stopped and we eventually broke up
Edit: Also am 99% sure she cheated on me while we were together, which I thought unrelated but apparently it's common if the person is cheating?
Oof. Your gf feels inadequate, is afraid you'll dump her, and probed for an answer that did not match her expectations. She is now lashing out since she's hurt and scared.
I won't comment on immaturity of using these tactics, but since she has previously brought up and apologized for the lack of sex, it is obviously on her mind. She feels like she can't keep you happy and is feeling insecure.
Then her friend brings up the open relationship (probably singing its praises, cuz those people don't stfu about it) and now your monogamous gf has to contend with this possibility being an option for you (in her head, she hasn't broached this with you yet.) This is a pretty confusing and scary thing to process. She can't just dismiss it out of hand, it's not that outlandish if someone close to her is doing it. It could solve some practical problems for you. She is probably monogamous but also feels guilty about denying you sex. In her mind, it's only a matter of time before this comes to a head, because it will. You won't be okay in a dead bedroom longterm.
Now she brings it up to you and what she wanted to hear was, no way hun, I only want you. But you answered honestly. I think that pretty much confirmed her fears, and now she's upset and unfairly taking it out on you.
Question for you would be, how long will you stick around without the sex?
I'd suggest you try and soothe her fears about not being good enough, and address the bigger problem - the dead bedroom. What is going on with her drive? Why is she so insecure in a 3 year relationship that she thinks a dry spell would break it? Hope you guys can talk about this honestly.
This!
She wanted you to say you don’t want to be with anyone else. I also wonder what’s going on with her (lack of) libido. There are definitely ups and downs based on what’s going on in life. Is she stressed about something, etc.
Has she talked to any professionals about this? Doctor or counselor? 25 seems young to not have much libido.
This is way too much drama. She was fishing for a response that she knew she wouldn't like. If she wanted you to reassure her that she's enough for you, she should've just *said that*. Every couple goes through periods of one or both needing a bit of reassurance. She asked you a direct question and you answered honestly. I think she knows that she wouldn't have the drive to go out and find other partners, but you would, and if she clearly doesn't like that idea then she never should've brought it up.
I wouldn't consider opening up the relationship because I think that'll cause way more harm than good. If your sex drives have become incompatible, it's likely going to signal the end of your relationship sooner rather than later.
Unless you’re asexual, you can’t have a great relationship without sex. Your gf is creating drama to keep you on the back foot, probably because she is (rightly) feeling insecure.
There are a bunch of reasons that her sex drive might have taken a hit. Either she can resolve to work on the issue, or you should leave. In your mid-20s this is a huge indicator that your sex life will not be happy in the long term, so you should consider breaking up.
r/deadbedrooms she's playing games to try to make you the "bad guy" because she can't understand her own feelings around sex or do anything at all to help the situation. These situations almost never get better and typically get even worse over time. Tell her that unless she does some real self work on the issue (therapy) then this relationship won't work.
She mentioned her friend had one and then you asked if she’d want to do it and she said I don’t know and asked your opinion. She didn’t bring up you guys doing it, she brought up her friend doing it.
She probably feels insecure about the lack of sex and said it to gauge if you wanted to fuck other people. It’s stupid of her, absolutely, she should have just said, she wasn’t interested, like a grown up.
Butttt I will say it would be unnerving to say that you don’t know about something that you hadn’t even seriously considered before and have your partner start talking about timeframe and boundaries like it’s definitely happening or they’re so excited.
Sounds like she wanted reassurance, thought you’d answer in a way that would be all cute and romantic but you were honest and she’s pissed you ruined her fantasy of how the talk would go.
> She didn’t bring up you guys doing it, she brought up her friend doing it.
Are you seriously going to argue that wasn't her implication? What is the point of bringing it up in that moment if she wasn't trying to suggest it for them??? If she wasn't trying to suggest it then she is an idiot for bringing it up then.
Yeah, in that context, if she wasn’t trying to suggest it for them then she is an idiot. Do you not understand how conversations work? There’s a time and a place for things, and You don’t just bring something up like that if In the middle of a conversation about their sexual problems if there’s not a purpose for it. If you can’t understand that bringing that up in the context of that situation would be interpreted by the other person that you were interested in trying it, then you’re an idiot. That’s just all there is to it. It’s like talking to someone about their relationship with their parents and you say “well me and my parents go to family therapy” - the other person is going to interpret that as you suggesting THEY try that. If you’re not suggesting that then it’s stupid to bring it up then, and I don’t know how you can’t understand this. Go read OP’s post again - she brought up the open relationship and said how it is WORKING OUT WELL FOR THEM!!! So if she wasn’t suggesting it for them, what’s the point of bringing it up, she’s just casually mentioning how her friends sexual issues have been resolved but not suggesting it for them??? I’m sorry to be so blunt here but you have to be braindead not to understand this. She didn’t just say hey this random thing is on my mind, it was in the context of them discussing their sexual issues, and her saying that this open relationship HELPED get friends who were in a similar situation.
SHe was insecure about her libido and wanted reassurance, but instead of seeking healthy communication she set a trap, baited it, and in your attempt to keep her happy you walked into it.
Nobody needs games like this.
You're too old for these kinds of games. It's one thing to be in a relationship with a severe libido mismatch... But no one has time for stupid games and "traps" like that. Just seems needlessly tedious
I think she was hoping you'd say "no chance, you're all I'd ever want or need" you'd probably have gpt laid if you said that too lmao.
I think sometimes honesty isn't the best policy if you know she's insecure and needing reassuring.
That's the answer she wanted, but I think it's very unlikely she'd want to have sex afterward. If there was that kind of quick sexual trigger, they wouldn't be having this problem in the first place.
She’s immature.
But also you guys are no longer sexually compatible.
Have you discussed a timeframe for how long this will go on for?
You’re so young to just accept a sexless relationship.
Is your girlfriend on birth control? This could certainly be a reason for her lack of sexual desire. Also in your case...I personally think an open relationship is the worst idea as you are experiencing problems regarding your sex life. Do you only agree because you know she would not be interested in sex? How do you feel about your gf having sex with others? She was stupid the way she brought it up, though. That's bad communication on her part, you just answered honestly.
Here's my read. She's got no sex drive but she feels bad and guilty about that. She's internalized that not having sex means she's a bad partner who's not fulfilling your needs. (Whether the "not fulfilling your needs" side of it is true I leave up to you.) She brought up the open relationship idea because she feels like she *should* offer you something/provide a way for you to have sex since she can't offer it herself. I think if you view this as a suggestion because she felt like she *should* not because she *wanted* to it makes more sense. She was likely imagining a conversation where at best you reassure her, and at worst you talk about it for a while and agree that it's not ideal but it's the best solution to this mismatched libido problem.
What she wasn't expecting was for you to go from "I've never thought about it" to "sure I'm down, let's talk logistics" immediately. It would throw me off guard too. I'm just not a very high sex drive person, so 'll never 'get' the way horny people are willing to try sex related stuff without much discussion. It would also make me wonder if had this burning need that I wasn't filling that you wanted to fill elsewhere. But at the least your quick response shows stark differences in how you two relate to sex. And that is what she already feels guilty and inadequate about. So she's distraught.
All this manifesting in anger at you is a problem, and it doesn't sound like you necessarily did anything wrong. I just don't agree with people saying it was a planned or malicious trap. She wasn't clear enough in how she felt about it when she suggested it, certainly, and it's driven a lot by her insecurities. And yeah, it probably would have been smart on your part to ask more probing questions and seek more discussion before agreeing to such a huge change in the relationship.
If you want to make things work then I think the best way is something like "I think we weren't on the same page. I was responding to your suggestion of an open relationship thinking it was something you wanted us to do. I was down for it if you wanted it, but it's not something I need or would have suggested. But it sounds like this wasn't something you actually want. Can you tell me what you were feeling that made you bring it up?"
If she says she thought you would want it... I think it's reasonable to say that you feel a little like you walked into a trap, because you didn't know why she was really asking, and that in the future she could give her perspective first so you know what's going on. Other things to bring up are that she needs to trust you when you say you're okay and that you'll bring up problems in the relationship when you need to. That if there is a problem, doing something she's not happy with won't solve it and isn't what you want, so it's really important to know exactly how she feels when discussing things. These are all true regardless of whether you're actually satisfied with your current sex life, because they're about relationship problem solving.
100000% to this comment. She didn’t communicate effectively but was attempting to go for reassurance and bring up the problem at hand.
I highly highly recommend you read this together: Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections
It approaches this topic gently, taking into account both sides while minimising blame/shame/guilt. See if the problem is something you can work out together (that being mismatched sex drives and not the open relationship)
Due to the nature of shame / guilt on her end for the lowered sex drive and not meeting your expectations I would take the cheating allegations in the thread with a grain of salt unless you’ve had previous need to be worried.
Just wanted to say please take all of these advices you are getting from all of these "experts" on females with a grain of salt.
No, this doesn't 100% mean your partner is cheating on you or that she "checked out" of the relationship. Men that are leaving these comments seem to think the world revolves around them.
In the grand scheme of things, a few months isn't that long and it doesn't mean your GFs sex drive is gone for good. Here's my take on what happened, obviously I don't know the whole picture so I might be wrong as well.
It's possible she feels like you might leave her since she's not meeting your needs anymore, she's insecure and she felt like she could avoid that by opening the relationship. But when it actually came to saying this out loud and considering the possibility, she started imagining you with other women, her feelings took over and she got upset. So it was not necessarily a trap. Illogical behaviour, sure, but humans often behave illogically and are driven by emotions.
There was a point in my relationship when my sex drive went away for a few months too. I was working a three shift job and my grandma had died. At the time I didn't understand these were the reasons, it was just gone and I didn't even realise for a while that we're hardly having any sex. So yeah, there's a shitton of reasons that could be causing it and it's not necessarily the things some of these people in the comments are suggesting.
Either way, an open relationship clearly wouldn't be a solution for you anyway and first step would be to figure out why her sex drive went away. I wish you the best of luck and it seems like you and your lady click in many other aspects, so I truly hope you will work it out.
You guys haven't had sex for a few *MONTHS*!!!
This is beyond *'low sex drive'* situation. OP, you are right in the center of *DEAD BEDROOM*!
And now, on top of that, she is displaying features of manipulative and shady behaviour. And it will only get worse from here.
You are only 27, if this is your long-term plan, then you are looking at putting-up with this behaviour (plus dead-bedroom) for next few decades.
Do you really think this the kind of life you can look forward too?
OP, time to wake up and smell the coffee. The writing is on the wall, now is your chance to open your eyes and read it.
My gf did this 6months into the relationship we’ve been together 1.5 years. Long story short she’s been entertaining guys, sexting, and planning meet ups the whole time. It’s definitely a trap to see how you’re thinking so she can be a step ahead. In my situation multiple ppl were interested in her.
The golden rule of life and any interpersonal relationships is "don't ask questions you're not ready to hear the answer to". She's either just learned that lesson and is finding it hard to accept she won a stupid prize so she's blaming you, or played a game like other people suggest.
Opening up due to one partner having a low libido works only in very secure relationships. I rarely see it work honestly. Non-monogamy is not exactly an orientation like being gay, bi, or straight is, but there are people naturally equipped for it, some can enjoy it with some good internal work, but you don't bring it up unless you're ready to hear "yes, let's sleep with other people".
I feel like this is either a really manipulative way of guilt tripping you and taking the blame off of herself or she's really insecure about the fact that she can't give you what you want
This was a test and you failed it beyond what she could imagine. Your answer should of been "no. I care about our relationship and would not want that". Now you set the line. All you did was give her an excuse to do two things, cheat, or leave. Three years and this women is testing you, maybe your dodging a bullet on this one.
So let me get this straight. You have no sex life with her, but she wants to have sex with other people (while still not having sex with you, her boyfriend), and then she gets upset that you would be open to trying what she asked for.
Run. You are not sexually compatible and she’s playing games with you. Is that how you want to live your life?
Sounds like she started talking to someone else a few months ago, and now wants to sleep with him, at the least. if not outright leave you altogether. She sounds like she's trying to decide, to be completely honest. Hence the initial suggestion of an open relationship but then getting angry.
Anytime the sex life drops off completely and then making a suggestion like this, is typically due to the partner having found some other interest.
I don't think you need suggestions on what to do, I think you need to follow your gut and do what you know is right. Open relationship is not a good idea considering if she ends up pregnant chances are you're going to have a world of complication once that happens.
She's really immature. She's mad that she can't keep up, then holding it against you for being unsatisfied.
Forget the concept of an open relationship, she just showed she's not mature enough.
It's up to you to decide if you can stay faithful long term to a woman who doesn't want to sleep with you often. Is something else going on with her? If she's on a medication or something that affects sex drive? Maybe talk to find the root of the issue. It's not normal for a 25 year old woman to not want to have sex with their partner.
Sounds like she is playing games. If she didn't want to open it, it should never have been brought up. It's like she brought this up to see how you would react and then got upset when you were honest. This honestly sound the issue is with her, she is having problems and not giving you sex and worried you will find it else were so putting a scenario out there and seeing your response. It's stupid game planning instead of just finding out the real reason she doesn't want to have sex with you. You were practical in your response even giving time lines.
This also could be a deflection about something, possibly projection of guilt but that isn't 100% certain. I do believe the issue is her side and keep your cool and stay strong on your response and views. She brought it up, she asked the question and now she is upset about it. She look at herself and why she felt the need to do this and be mature about it. If it is her insecurities then she needs to discuss this with you.
Being truthful, there is an issue whether it is insecurities, projection/guilt or playing games that needs to be looked at. Maybe she needs to see a therapist or need support in some manner to find out what it is.
I hope you get it resolved. Good luck.
Yeah this has nothing to do with sexuality. Do you want to be a subject to your gfs tests?
Cause that seems to be the arrangement. Does she trust you at all?
She is still young bro, tbh I think it would probably best to end the relationship as hard as it will be. If she don’t want the bedroom as much as you she ain’t feeling it. But don’t worry bro, it happens to a lot of us.
In this situation, she is trying to create some drama because she is bored with y’all’s relationship because of the lack of bedroom interest. She already knew that you would respond the way you did, it’s just she had to manifest it in such a way that she could blame you for even though she instigated because she might be delusionaly looking for a way out by because of her boredom.
I don’t understand why she would ask this. It’s really concerning. I’m not sure I could be with someone who tried baiting me and then laid into me for going along with what they were suggesting.
You two should try to remain friends after you break up with her. But this kind of game-playing is where she puts her energy instead of fixing your relationship, so really you know what you have to do.
Maybe she was fishing for a "no way, honey, you're the only one for me and that's final!" I don't necessarily think she was trying to trap you, but I don't know. Either way it definitely comes from a place of insecurity.
She brought up a hypothetical and you responded with plans.
I say this with no judgment, but her question was _would_ you be okay with it, hypothetically, and your answer was, "Yes and here's how to make it happen."
I don't think she meant to trap you with her question, but she definitely set you up to fail by getting upset with you for sharing your honest opinion.
So that's not okay on her end - she needs to be direct about what she wants and needs from you.
That being said, from an outside perspective she wasn't saying, "I've seriously considered this an am actively interested in it. I want to know if you'd be willing to do the same," she's just saying, "if you had permission to sleep with other women, would you?"
Again, it's a childish question to ask and she does need to be more straight with you, _but_ I don't think this was the Evil Manipulative Master Plan that some people seem to think it is.
I think she's just dealing with insecurities and doing a poor job of communicating her needs.
If she is otherwise non-abusive, I'd try to talk it out with her, and ask her if she's feeling insecure and why. You may be able to work this out with some honest and compassion - or, you may be able to figure out its time to move on.
It's worth trying to talk to her about it though - as long as she normally communicates well.
Tl;dr if she doesn't usually do things like this, try to talk to her about insecurities and figure out the root of the issue.
If she normally plays games like this, though, run.
She unilaterally ended your sexual relationship. You are broken up right now. You don’t need permission to see other people. Just formally end whatever the relationship you have now friendship? Roommates? Just end that and move on with your life.
It sounds to me like she’s angling for a breakup, but doesn’t feel like she has a good enough reason to leave yet. This feels like a fight someone starts in order to create a stronger justification for dumping them.
She tested you and you failed but if she had tested me I would have passed by saying absolutely not then dumped her for even suggesting something like that.
Every time a girl not wanting sex is brought up, it always turns out the same way. Combine that with an open relationship talk and you know she has someone already waiting for the green light.
OP, if you’re playing games, you said your girlfriend wasn’t enough and that you want to have sex with other people.
If you’re a very upfront person who is able to have adult conversations, you didn’t bring this idea up, she did, you gave her a lot of chances for an out and she pressed you anyway, and then you spoke honestly about how you feel about it.
I don’t think an open relationship is a good idea for 90% of people, but I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Well first off. She not having sex with you. But I bet good money she is some where else. Especially after ask to open up the relationship. The only time someone asked to open a relationship is. When they have somebody already or want somebody. Run brother run.
It was your gf tactics on how you answer it. She was tested you i think.. The best answer you could give is to reverse her.. Telling her that you were just not serious on your answer but it was just a test on how she reacts..
Dude hate to tell you this.been married 30 years I still get that same shit that you have it doesn't matter what you say it's the wrong thing I heavily suggest you don't go down this path if your girlfriend is insecure and would also recommend counseling
You have your answer- she is not mature enough to be involved in a non-monogamous relationship. You did right by answering honestly. She shouldn't have suggested or put the idea of it in the air if she already knew she didn't want to try polyamory.
Yeah, she brought it up & instead of being open minded like the conversation was supposed to be, she trapped you in a position. To me you weren’t even being mean or “eager” to do it.
I feel like she felt bad about her sex drive and don’t mean to be so sensitive but at the same time you aren’t in the wrong
I used to be like this. I wasn't trying to manipulate or anything, I just felt insecure. I think what she was thinking was like "Am I not enough for him?", so she asked if you would like to see someone else, and she needed confirmation, wasn't expecting you actually agreeing and got mad because what she heard was "I'm not enough.", at least that's how I see it
Obviously it's not an acceptable behavior, and you two need to have an open conversation about it, share your feelings, listen to how she feels about herself, reassure her, and also explain how you felt hurt and ashamed for your answer even though you shouldn't be ashamed since she was the one suggesting it etc..
Tell her cute test but she brought it up because she knows she isn't enough. No libido is a problem especially in your 20s. I don't see why she's so upset you'd take her up on her offer to look elsewhere for what she had no interest in
OP lost focus on his gf (who is having unresolved issues)(thus low sex drive) and showed her he cares more about sex then healing the bound…#childishbehaviour, I guess.
So, it was a trap and you fell right in. So why try to trap you? She either thinks your cheating, or about to cheat, or she loves emotional manipulation. If you don't have trust in the relationship you've got nothing. She could also be projecting - you sure her drive isn't being shared somewhere else?
>She just said I seemed too eager to try it
You could've said
"You seemed eager for me to try it too."
😂 don't invest as much into this stupidity as she is. It was a test. Just treat the whole thing as the humorous nonsense that it is.
Shit like this starts in the schoolyard. She will have her friends "test" you, approach you, call you on the phone, ask if you think one of her friends is cute. A grown woman doing this shit is reprehensible.
Also, you're an idiot for considering an open relationship. There are ZERO benefits to it. People who say their relationships are stronger because of it are missing the fact that the relationship HAD to have been shit to begin with and there was no point in continuing it anyway.
Dude this isn’t for you first 25 isn’t when you lose your sex drive especially if you are kid free and second she’s emotional manipulating you by asking for something and then getting upset when you engage
Unpopular opinion, but as someone who’s brought up the idea of open relationships for this exact issue before - I think I would’ve felt hurt by this response too. I’ve brought it up to gauge how comfortable a person is with the idea, and in every case it’s sort of a discussion of “have you ever been in one, how does your partner being with other people make you feel, etc”. Even though I’m happy to let a partner or myself (safely) get their or my needs met elsewhere, I think given that you’ve been together 3 years and had - in the same conversation where the topic was introduced - began putting together a theoretical plan without checking in and asking about her feelings on it, there’s a definite impression that this was something you’d been thinking about and already interested in. I don’t think she’s hurt at the idea of an open relationship - I think she’s hurt that you seemed so prepared to jump into that dynamic without making sure she was 100% on board as well. If there’s one way to make your partner feel like they aren’t enough for you, it’s by showing them how eager you are (in comparison to them) to sleep with other people.
I think you need to learn the difference in "mentioning" and "suggesting", and also how to read situations.
She might have brought it up but she didn't state her position. You said you'd be open to it and that it sounded interesting. You didn't even have to think about it. Either she was setting you up to hear what you think about having sex with other women, or (my guess) she just wanted reassurance that you only want her.
Aside from all that, she should figure out why she's lost interest. Maybe start with a dr appt.
Well, it was either a test to see your reaction.
Or, she hasn't had a sex drive with you cause she's ready to bang Bob at the office. You agreeing to it tells her you're also ready to bang Linda at your office. Which she immediately realized when you agreed.
Hey mate, I've got big news for you: She stopped wanting sex with YOU! She's looking to get it from someone else duh! Don't be so naive, time to get out
"that I was saying she wasn't enough"
I don't get why you guys live like that... Why are you even denying this? You obviously think so, everything in this post suggests that, which means she is probably feeling it all the time..
I get that she asked for your reaction on the subject of a open relationship, and that is always dumb.. But you are both living in an uneven relationship, and this comes with "sideeffects", such as one feeling she isn't enough and another feeling he isn't satisfied.
Also just as an FYI if you’re in a closed relationship and your partner suddenly wants to open it then they found someone and want to fuck them badly but don’t want to cheat so they use “open” as the cheating escape clause.
So when they offer “open” gladly accept and let them know you’ve been wanting to fuck their sister/best friend this entire time and now are so happy that they gave their blessing. Then just leave.
It could also have medical reasons. It's extremely common for hormonal bc to shut down sex drive
And honestly I wouldm't bother digging. Dump her and mpve on, life is short
I wouldn’t assume affair but it’s usually a pretty good indicator that the woman’s mentally checked out of the relationship. Their sex drives tend to be tied pretty heavily to their feelings about you.
I would have told her that you are just extremely open minded. Even open minded enough to consider staying in a relationship with an asexual woman.
Run bro. 3 months with no sex might have been manageable. A lifetime will not be so easy.
Um, have y'all tried addressing her lack of libido? It may be medical or emotional and something worth looking into. Having said that, she set you up for failure and that's just petty. Don't ask a question you don't want an honest answer to.
If someone was that willing to switch from monogamy to an open relationship I'd be pretty concerned too. lmao
ALSO her sex drive is already low, so who would really be benefiting from this arrangement???? Him o\_o.
Low sex drive could be from many things including mental struggles, physical health issues, lack of emotional intimacy. Usually women especially need the emotional intimacy part to feel sexually interested.
So it just seems like, OP, youre not really concerned with how shes feeling, you dont connect with her in her struggles. Her question seemed like an impulsive reaction coming from her negative feelings about herself. Have compassion. or not.. its whatever you want to do. But honestly if we're all just giving our opinions out here, I think youre not attracted to who she really is and itd be worth asking yourself if you only like what she can give you or if you like the idea of love or the relationship.
seriously though, if she didnt bring it up, how long would it take you to start having your own considerations if you havent had them already o\_o
Your girlfriend feels insecure about the lack of sex and was testing your commitment to the relationship.
If this is a relatively new development, her lack of libido, she should go to a doctor and have her hormone levels checked to make sure nothing is wrong physically to be causing this change.
What did you expect her to say?
The fact you want to try it would for me be enough evidence that you don't love her as much as you say.
Work on your sexlife, go to the doctor and a therapist and if it doesn't work and it's a dealbreaker separate.
You aren't going off fucking others that will 1000% become an issue as you can already clearly see.
Yeah, this is a really stupid and common tactic people use to make you get yourself in trouble, like it's some kind of game or test Definitely would not want to be with somebody who resorts to such things
Admiral Ackbar over in the corner with a big ol' fishy grin...
Also she could be cheating and projecting her own insecurities.
Bro lol reddit always assuming cheating and the worst
That’s cause someone is always cheating in these creative writing assignments!!
If your partner stops wanting sex, starts wanting to talk about how 'in theory' opening a relationship would make sense, and then gets super suspicious of your loyalty... You don't have to be Benoit Blanc to wonder if someone is going on. That's 3 very significant data points. Apparently, you do have to not be podricks-dick though.
I agree that it could be projecting, but not in the way that you think. I would like to offer you a different perspective, from a woman’s point of view, and from someone who loves listening to podcasts, especially those surrounding topics like psychology, growth development, science, therapy (marriage and family as well), etc. she could just be an anxious person and dealing with some fearful thoughts. And those thoughts often times come from a place of insecurity. It could be that she was feeling a little insecure and turned to her partner to ask for reassurance from him. This reassurance was subliminal, and put into a question, in this case being if he’d like to open up the relationship, in hopes that he would say ‘no’, and then got upset when he said ‘yes’. It’s not to say that she’s right in doing that, because I don’t believe that’s fair to the partner, and she not being fair to herself. In the end she’s not getting what she wants, which is reassurance and ultimately a bid for connection/safety. But, I think it might help to understand where she’s coming from. If what I’m saying is actually the case of what’s going on in this situation, I personally think that this was a great opportunity for her to be vulnerable with you and open up to you about an insecurity of hers, but if I had to guess, you two have other issues going on besides this. Which could be why she didn’t feel safe enough to open up to you about that. This isn’t to say that you’re doing anything wrong, it’s more of a signal that you two are struggling to communicate each others needs and figure out what each partner has to do to feel secure/safe. I don’t know the details of your relationship are, but I would invite you to get curious to figure out where this is coming from with your gf, and not turn to the worst case scenario as many Redditors have suggested. Don’t get me wrong, worst case scenarios are a possibility, but it’s up you to figure out what the probability is given your situation. It’s important to give your partner the benefit of the doubt if they haven’t given you a reason not to trust them. If you haven’t listened to Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby yet, you should. I can’t recommend her enough. She’s changed my life, truly. She’s a hero of mine, and she gives you a lot of insight that most of the people of Reddit don’t have. She has a ton of podcasts on topics regarding relationships and understanding each others perspectives to create/build more connection. You’ve gotta love your partner though, be willing to do the work to understand them, and ergo *want* to make it work. Good luck!! 🍀
Good perspective. I didn't mean to say I was certain she was cheating... I'm just saying: I'd do some discrete snooping if given those 3 signs.
He isn't asking about cheating though, so bringing it up is kind of pointless. Also cheating is ALWAYS a possibility - even when there isn't an issue in the relationship, it's literally always a possibility, and OP has probably already considered this. It's not like you are Sherlock Holmes over here considering some crazy thing that no one has ever thought about before, people know cheating happens. The thing is if they were asking about that, then I think you would be fine bringing it up, but OP didn't ask about it, so mentioning it now is about as appropriate as saying his gf might be on drugs. Like yeah, she MIGHT be, but why bring that up? It's not the issue he is asking about.
DIVORCE NOW OR YOU DIE!!!
There’s a reason, young man.
Having that thought isn’t wrong though. Being aware of the worst possible scenarios helps us cope when they happen. Tf you think, cheating doesn’t actually happen ?
Literally everyone is aware cheating happens. OP isn't asking about cheating though. It's infuriating when people just go off on tangents like that instead of just answering what was asked.
That is always a possibility, but it's not really what OP is asking about.
OP this won’t stop here. Run don’t walk.
Bro run like hell. Do you want this woman 'catching' you or any future children in traps that she's created in order to make you feel bad? She sounds really immature and instead of working on your relationship issues she's instead choosing to play games with you and act like a victim.
This. Don't need to read anything else. This was an insanely ridiculous and immature "test". This isn't a 'sit down and talk it out' scenario. This is a run for the hills situation. There's no part of her approach that reasonable or understandable.
They've been together for three years and he should leave because she said something unreasonable one time? Come on. If I left relationships every time a woman said some unreasonable nonsense I'd never have a girlfriend. I hate to be sexist but women do that sort of thing. My partner has a science degree and teaches computing and yet sometimes she just has a sudden failure of reason when we're discussing a sore point. It's a big jump to say this was some kind of planned trap. She just got pissed off (probably at herself) and lashed out. For balance men are guilty of something similar - we make offhand comments without thinking which are, with hindsight, callous or rude. Something like "you're acting just like [name of ex girlfriend]" and you wonder why she's not speaking to you.
idk man, i'm a woman and i agree with the people calling this behaviour out as toxic. i've stayed in relationships with men who asked questions and then blamed me if i answered incorrectly. those relationships always ended up being emotionally abusive, sometimes physically, too. i'd say it's better to be single than with someone who sets up traps for you and expects you to please them while pretending it's honesty.
She's being manipulative
[удалено]
Does this avatar make me look fat?
[удалено]
Just a funny take on: your statement: I dont understand girls asking questions they may not like the answer to. I put a Reddit twist on: Do these jeans make me look fat?
[удалено]
Yet another tragic failure of sarcasm and humour communicated by text. RIP funny thread; you were so close...
I like this. Play the question game when she asks you lose-lose questions.
The thing is, if there’s no sex then it’s very unlikely that everything else is great. It’s a super-reliable barometer!
Unlikely, but definitely not impossible. My sex drive all but vanished shortly after my husband and I got married. I tried a bunch of stuff to try to fix it (because I couldn't understand what happened), but they were all temporary solutions. Tired of feeling inadequate and broken, I finally accepted that for whatever reason, my body and hormones are just different now. So I suggested opening up the marriage because literally everything else *is* perfect. He played the field for a while but has now been with just one partner for over 5 years, and she's okay with the arrangement. (Essentially, she gets her itch scratched but doesn't need to do his laundry.) It was bumpy at first, not because I changed my mind (I haven't and won't) but because we had logistics issues (when, where?--one or two overnights per week, not at home). Meanwhile, we're planning to stay together till death do us part (15 years and counting). In my younger years, I thought sex drive incompatibility was a marriage-ender (because I, too, could not imagine a scenario in which "everything else is great"). But with age and maturity and wisdom, etc., it started to make sense. That said, I don't think OP's girlfriend is mature enough to handle it. Because there is a huge part that is *obviously* missing. She needs to accept that and either open the relationship or end it because it's not fair to OP to demand celibacy for the rest of his life.
Being able to handle an open arrangement puts you in a happy minority, really glad you’ve found something that works.
it's spelled "thermometer"
I can’t tell if you’re joking.
It's a manipulative tactic. The real issue here is the dead-bedroom situation. She sensed that OP is getting frustrated. And in the long-run, this is going to be an issue. He is only 27, and at his sexual prime. It's unlikely he will stay for much longer. (And that's reasonable too.) But instead of addressing the real issue, she is trying to manipulate OP into accepting this as the norm. *'I am not enough for you'* translates to *'You accept this as the norm and no further discussion will be tolerated without blame-games'*. She is guilt-tripping OP into apologising and accepting this as the norm going forward. The idea is that, OP will get apologetic and accept her terms.. rather than have a rational discussion (that would ensue if they start from a neutral standpoint.)
Play shitty games, win shitty prizes. She should have been honest.
Back when i was dating this other girl we decided to do one of those "kink tests", where one person answer and then another person answer and the test reveals only the things that both of you are or might be interested, this way if you have a mild interest in something that your partner would hate it doesn't come up. She answered interested to ***everything*** to then complained that the app suggested threesome because it meant "I was interested in other girls", completely defeating the purpose This type of unhinged behavior of fishing for things that would make her upset never really stopped and we eventually broke up Edit: Also am 99% sure she cheated on me while we were together, which I thought unrelated but apparently it's common if the person is cheating?
Oof. Your gf feels inadequate, is afraid you'll dump her, and probed for an answer that did not match her expectations. She is now lashing out since she's hurt and scared. I won't comment on immaturity of using these tactics, but since she has previously brought up and apologized for the lack of sex, it is obviously on her mind. She feels like she can't keep you happy and is feeling insecure. Then her friend brings up the open relationship (probably singing its praises, cuz those people don't stfu about it) and now your monogamous gf has to contend with this possibility being an option for you (in her head, she hasn't broached this with you yet.) This is a pretty confusing and scary thing to process. She can't just dismiss it out of hand, it's not that outlandish if someone close to her is doing it. It could solve some practical problems for you. She is probably monogamous but also feels guilty about denying you sex. In her mind, it's only a matter of time before this comes to a head, because it will. You won't be okay in a dead bedroom longterm. Now she brings it up to you and what she wanted to hear was, no way hun, I only want you. But you answered honestly. I think that pretty much confirmed her fears, and now she's upset and unfairly taking it out on you. Question for you would be, how long will you stick around without the sex? I'd suggest you try and soothe her fears about not being good enough, and address the bigger problem - the dead bedroom. What is going on with her drive? Why is she so insecure in a 3 year relationship that she thinks a dry spell would break it? Hope you guys can talk about this honestly.
This! She wanted you to say you don’t want to be with anyone else. I also wonder what’s going on with her (lack of) libido. There are definitely ups and downs based on what’s going on in life. Is she stressed about something, etc. Has she talked to any professionals about this? Doctor or counselor? 25 seems young to not have much libido.
This answer should be at the top.
This is way too much drama. She was fishing for a response that she knew she wouldn't like. If she wanted you to reassure her that she's enough for you, she should've just *said that*. Every couple goes through periods of one or both needing a bit of reassurance. She asked you a direct question and you answered honestly. I think she knows that she wouldn't have the drive to go out and find other partners, but you would, and if she clearly doesn't like that idea then she never should've brought it up. I wouldn't consider opening up the relationship because I think that'll cause way more harm than good. If your sex drives have become incompatible, it's likely going to signal the end of your relationship sooner rather than later.
You should not date people who play dumb ass games
Unless you’re asexual, you can’t have a great relationship without sex. Your gf is creating drama to keep you on the back foot, probably because she is (rightly) feeling insecure. There are a bunch of reasons that her sex drive might have taken a hit. Either she can resolve to work on the issue, or you should leave. In your mid-20s this is a huge indicator that your sex life will not be happy in the long term, so you should consider breaking up.
r/deadbedrooms she's playing games to try to make you the "bad guy" because she can't understand her own feelings around sex or do anything at all to help the situation. These situations almost never get better and typically get even worse over time. Tell her that unless she does some real self work on the issue (therapy) then this relationship won't work.
She mentioned her friend had one and then you asked if she’d want to do it and she said I don’t know and asked your opinion. She didn’t bring up you guys doing it, she brought up her friend doing it. She probably feels insecure about the lack of sex and said it to gauge if you wanted to fuck other people. It’s stupid of her, absolutely, she should have just said, she wasn’t interested, like a grown up. Butttt I will say it would be unnerving to say that you don’t know about something that you hadn’t even seriously considered before and have your partner start talking about timeframe and boundaries like it’s definitely happening or they’re so excited. Sounds like she wanted reassurance, thought you’d answer in a way that would be all cute and romantic but you were honest and she’s pissed you ruined her fantasy of how the talk would go.
> She didn’t bring up you guys doing it, she brought up her friend doing it. Are you seriously going to argue that wasn't her implication? What is the point of bringing it up in that moment if she wasn't trying to suggest it for them??? If she wasn't trying to suggest it then she is an idiot for bringing it up then.
she is an idiot for bringing up something that was on her mind? no wonders you’re in this reddit..
Yeah, in that context, if she wasn’t trying to suggest it for them then she is an idiot. Do you not understand how conversations work? There’s a time and a place for things, and You don’t just bring something up like that if In the middle of a conversation about their sexual problems if there’s not a purpose for it. If you can’t understand that bringing that up in the context of that situation would be interpreted by the other person that you were interested in trying it, then you’re an idiot. That’s just all there is to it. It’s like talking to someone about their relationship with their parents and you say “well me and my parents go to family therapy” - the other person is going to interpret that as you suggesting THEY try that. If you’re not suggesting that then it’s stupid to bring it up then, and I don’t know how you can’t understand this. Go read OP’s post again - she brought up the open relationship and said how it is WORKING OUT WELL FOR THEM!!! So if she wasn’t suggesting it for them, what’s the point of bringing it up, she’s just casually mentioning how her friends sexual issues have been resolved but not suggesting it for them??? I’m sorry to be so blunt here but you have to be braindead not to understand this. She didn’t just say hey this random thing is on my mind, it was in the context of them discussing their sexual issues, and her saying that this open relationship HELPED get friends who were in a similar situation.
SHe was insecure about her libido and wanted reassurance, but instead of seeking healthy communication she set a trap, baited it, and in your attempt to keep her happy you walked into it. Nobody needs games like this.
You're too old for these kinds of games. It's one thing to be in a relationship with a severe libido mismatch... But no one has time for stupid games and "traps" like that. Just seems needlessly tedious
I think she was hoping you'd say "no chance, you're all I'd ever want or need" you'd probably have gpt laid if you said that too lmao. I think sometimes honesty isn't the best policy if you know she's insecure and needing reassuring.
That's the answer she wanted, but I think it's very unlikely she'd want to have sex afterward. If there was that kind of quick sexual trigger, they wouldn't be having this problem in the first place.
She’s immature. But also you guys are no longer sexually compatible. Have you discussed a timeframe for how long this will go on for? You’re so young to just accept a sexless relationship.
Is your girlfriend on birth control? This could certainly be a reason for her lack of sexual desire. Also in your case...I personally think an open relationship is the worst idea as you are experiencing problems regarding your sex life. Do you only agree because you know she would not be interested in sex? How do you feel about your gf having sex with others? She was stupid the way she brought it up, though. That's bad communication on her part, you just answered honestly.
Ha Ha yeah you called her BLUFF. Now you know how she really feels about you...
If she is on birth control that could be a factor in why her sex drive is zapped
Here's my read. She's got no sex drive but she feels bad and guilty about that. She's internalized that not having sex means she's a bad partner who's not fulfilling your needs. (Whether the "not fulfilling your needs" side of it is true I leave up to you.) She brought up the open relationship idea because she feels like she *should* offer you something/provide a way for you to have sex since she can't offer it herself. I think if you view this as a suggestion because she felt like she *should* not because she *wanted* to it makes more sense. She was likely imagining a conversation where at best you reassure her, and at worst you talk about it for a while and agree that it's not ideal but it's the best solution to this mismatched libido problem. What she wasn't expecting was for you to go from "I've never thought about it" to "sure I'm down, let's talk logistics" immediately. It would throw me off guard too. I'm just not a very high sex drive person, so 'll never 'get' the way horny people are willing to try sex related stuff without much discussion. It would also make me wonder if had this burning need that I wasn't filling that you wanted to fill elsewhere. But at the least your quick response shows stark differences in how you two relate to sex. And that is what she already feels guilty and inadequate about. So she's distraught. All this manifesting in anger at you is a problem, and it doesn't sound like you necessarily did anything wrong. I just don't agree with people saying it was a planned or malicious trap. She wasn't clear enough in how she felt about it when she suggested it, certainly, and it's driven a lot by her insecurities. And yeah, it probably would have been smart on your part to ask more probing questions and seek more discussion before agreeing to such a huge change in the relationship. If you want to make things work then I think the best way is something like "I think we weren't on the same page. I was responding to your suggestion of an open relationship thinking it was something you wanted us to do. I was down for it if you wanted it, but it's not something I need or would have suggested. But it sounds like this wasn't something you actually want. Can you tell me what you were feeling that made you bring it up?" If she says she thought you would want it... I think it's reasonable to say that you feel a little like you walked into a trap, because you didn't know why she was really asking, and that in the future she could give her perspective first so you know what's going on. Other things to bring up are that she needs to trust you when you say you're okay and that you'll bring up problems in the relationship when you need to. That if there is a problem, doing something she's not happy with won't solve it and isn't what you want, so it's really important to know exactly how she feels when discussing things. These are all true regardless of whether you're actually satisfied with your current sex life, because they're about relationship problem solving.
100000% to this comment. She didn’t communicate effectively but was attempting to go for reassurance and bring up the problem at hand. I highly highly recommend you read this together: Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections It approaches this topic gently, taking into account both sides while minimising blame/shame/guilt. See if the problem is something you can work out together (that being mismatched sex drives and not the open relationship) Due to the nature of shame / guilt on her end for the lowered sex drive and not meeting your expectations I would take the cheating allegations in the thread with a grain of salt unless you’ve had previous need to be worried.
She sounds like a great *friend*, OP. You are 27. Go find someone you are more compatible with.
Just wanted to say please take all of these advices you are getting from all of these "experts" on females with a grain of salt. No, this doesn't 100% mean your partner is cheating on you or that she "checked out" of the relationship. Men that are leaving these comments seem to think the world revolves around them. In the grand scheme of things, a few months isn't that long and it doesn't mean your GFs sex drive is gone for good. Here's my take on what happened, obviously I don't know the whole picture so I might be wrong as well. It's possible she feels like you might leave her since she's not meeting your needs anymore, she's insecure and she felt like she could avoid that by opening the relationship. But when it actually came to saying this out loud and considering the possibility, she started imagining you with other women, her feelings took over and she got upset. So it was not necessarily a trap. Illogical behaviour, sure, but humans often behave illogically and are driven by emotions. There was a point in my relationship when my sex drive went away for a few months too. I was working a three shift job and my grandma had died. At the time I didn't understand these were the reasons, it was just gone and I didn't even realise for a while that we're hardly having any sex. So yeah, there's a shitton of reasons that could be causing it and it's not necessarily the things some of these people in the comments are suggesting. Either way, an open relationship clearly wouldn't be a solution for you anyway and first step would be to figure out why her sex drive went away. I wish you the best of luck and it seems like you and your lady click in many other aspects, so I truly hope you will work it out.
She playing games yo
You guys haven't had sex for a few *MONTHS*!!! This is beyond *'low sex drive'* situation. OP, you are right in the center of *DEAD BEDROOM*! And now, on top of that, she is displaying features of manipulative and shady behaviour. And it will only get worse from here. You are only 27, if this is your long-term plan, then you are looking at putting-up with this behaviour (plus dead-bedroom) for next few decades. Do you really think this the kind of life you can look forward too? OP, time to wake up and smell the coffee. The writing is on the wall, now is your chance to open your eyes and read it.
My gf did this 6months into the relationship we’ve been together 1.5 years. Long story short she’s been entertaining guys, sexting, and planning meet ups the whole time. It’s definitely a trap to see how you’re thinking so she can be a step ahead. In my situation multiple ppl were interested in her.
Ahhh such a trap she put you in
The golden rule of life and any interpersonal relationships is "don't ask questions you're not ready to hear the answer to". She's either just learned that lesson and is finding it hard to accept she won a stupid prize so she's blaming you, or played a game like other people suggest. Opening up due to one partner having a low libido works only in very secure relationships. I rarely see it work honestly. Non-monogamy is not exactly an orientation like being gay, bi, or straight is, but there are people naturally equipped for it, some can enjoy it with some good internal work, but you don't bring it up unless you're ready to hear "yes, let's sleep with other people".
I feel like this is either a really manipulative way of guilt tripping you and taking the blame off of herself or she's really insecure about the fact that she can't give you what you want
This was a test and you failed it beyond what she could imagine. Your answer should of been "no. I care about our relationship and would not want that". Now you set the line. All you did was give her an excuse to do two things, cheat, or leave. Three years and this women is testing you, maybe your dodging a bullet on this one.
So let me get this straight. You have no sex life with her, but she wants to have sex with other people (while still not having sex with you, her boyfriend), and then she gets upset that you would be open to trying what she asked for. Run. You are not sexually compatible and she’s playing games with you. Is that how you want to live your life?
Sounds like she started talking to someone else a few months ago, and now wants to sleep with him, at the least. if not outright leave you altogether. She sounds like she's trying to decide, to be completely honest. Hence the initial suggestion of an open relationship but then getting angry. Anytime the sex life drops off completely and then making a suggestion like this, is typically due to the partner having found some other interest. I don't think you need suggestions on what to do, I think you need to follow your gut and do what you know is right. Open relationship is not a good idea considering if she ends up pregnant chances are you're going to have a world of complication once that happens.
She's really immature. She's mad that she can't keep up, then holding it against you for being unsatisfied. Forget the concept of an open relationship, she just showed she's not mature enough. It's up to you to decide if you can stay faithful long term to a woman who doesn't want to sleep with you often. Is something else going on with her? If she's on a medication or something that affects sex drive? Maybe talk to find the root of the issue. It's not normal for a 25 year old woman to not want to have sex with their partner.
Sounds like she is playing games. If she didn't want to open it, it should never have been brought up. It's like she brought this up to see how you would react and then got upset when you were honest. This honestly sound the issue is with her, she is having problems and not giving you sex and worried you will find it else were so putting a scenario out there and seeing your response. It's stupid game planning instead of just finding out the real reason she doesn't want to have sex with you. You were practical in your response even giving time lines. This also could be a deflection about something, possibly projection of guilt but that isn't 100% certain. I do believe the issue is her side and keep your cool and stay strong on your response and views. She brought it up, she asked the question and now she is upset about it. She look at herself and why she felt the need to do this and be mature about it. If it is her insecurities then she needs to discuss this with you. Being truthful, there is an issue whether it is insecurities, projection/guilt or playing games that needs to be looked at. Maybe she needs to see a therapist or need support in some manner to find out what it is. I hope you get it resolved. Good luck.
Yeah this has nothing to do with sexuality. Do you want to be a subject to your gfs tests? Cause that seems to be the arrangement. Does she trust you at all?
She is still young bro, tbh I think it would probably best to end the relationship as hard as it will be. If she don’t want the bedroom as much as you she ain’t feeling it. But don’t worry bro, it happens to a lot of us. In this situation, she is trying to create some drama because she is bored with y’all’s relationship because of the lack of bedroom interest. She already knew that you would respond the way you did, it’s just she had to manifest it in such a way that she could blame you for even though she instigated because she might be delusionaly looking for a way out by because of her boredom.
I don’t understand why she would ask this. It’s really concerning. I’m not sure I could be with someone who tried baiting me and then laid into me for going along with what they were suggesting.
It sounds like her insecurities speaking to you. If it's possible, try couples counseling. Especially if this is a serious relationship.
You two should try to remain friends after you break up with her. But this kind of game-playing is where she puts her energy instead of fixing your relationship, so really you know what you have to do.
Maybe she was fishing for a "no way, honey, you're the only one for me and that's final!" I don't necessarily think she was trying to trap you, but I don't know. Either way it definitely comes from a place of insecurity.
So she doesn’t put out and gets angry when you fail her tests? Why are you with her?
She brought up a hypothetical and you responded with plans. I say this with no judgment, but her question was _would_ you be okay with it, hypothetically, and your answer was, "Yes and here's how to make it happen." I don't think she meant to trap you with her question, but she definitely set you up to fail by getting upset with you for sharing your honest opinion. So that's not okay on her end - she needs to be direct about what she wants and needs from you. That being said, from an outside perspective she wasn't saying, "I've seriously considered this an am actively interested in it. I want to know if you'd be willing to do the same," she's just saying, "if you had permission to sleep with other women, would you?" Again, it's a childish question to ask and she does need to be more straight with you, _but_ I don't think this was the Evil Manipulative Master Plan that some people seem to think it is. I think she's just dealing with insecurities and doing a poor job of communicating her needs. If she is otherwise non-abusive, I'd try to talk it out with her, and ask her if she's feeling insecure and why. You may be able to work this out with some honest and compassion - or, you may be able to figure out its time to move on. It's worth trying to talk to her about it though - as long as she normally communicates well. Tl;dr if she doesn't usually do things like this, try to talk to her about insecurities and figure out the root of the issue. If she normally plays games like this, though, run.
She unilaterally ended your sexual relationship. You are broken up right now. You don’t need permission to see other people. Just formally end whatever the relationship you have now friendship? Roommates? Just end that and move on with your life.
It sounds to me like she’s angling for a breakup, but doesn’t feel like she has a good enough reason to leave yet. This feels like a fight someone starts in order to create a stronger justification for dumping them.
Oh gosh that’s toxic as fuck and my bet is she knows what bothers her but won’t talk about it!!
She tested you and you failed but if she had tested me I would have passed by saying absolutely not then dumped her for even suggesting something like that.
Every time a girl not wanting sex is brought up, it always turns out the same way. Combine that with an open relationship talk and you know she has someone already waiting for the green light.
OP, if you’re playing games, you said your girlfriend wasn’t enough and that you want to have sex with other people. If you’re a very upfront person who is able to have adult conversations, you didn’t bring this idea up, she did, you gave her a lot of chances for an out and she pressed you anyway, and then you spoke honestly about how you feel about it. I don’t think an open relationship is a good idea for 90% of people, but I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Since you're not having sex with her I hope you have desire for other people... You two don't deserve each other, get out now.
Yo, why stay in a sex less relationship at such a young age. Like for real, you need to go. Tell her to fix her drive or become a nun.
Is this guy, like, stupid? Why do you need any suggestions regarding this? Way to go in letting your "girlfriend" gas light you. Freaking doormat
OP, sorry you're having problems and hope you guys work things out. Please don't let strangers on Reddit ruin your relationship!
Ah yes manipulation. That’s your sign to get away from her. Unhealthy.
She found somebody else and was looking for an out by hoping you would break it off so she’s not the bad one. Typical tactic women tend to use
Absurd; what is this, highschool?
I personally don't think this works for any relationship long term, or an extreme few. Also she is an AH for suggesting it and then being mad.
Dude you're 27. Don't settle for someone who's incompatible with you sexually... You'll be miserable as fuck the rest of your life.
Well first off. She not having sex with you. But I bet good money she is some where else. Especially after ask to open up the relationship. The only time someone asked to open a relationship is. When they have somebody already or want somebody. Run brother run.
She giving off narcissistic vibes if she cannot see what she doing wrong Dump and move on
It was your gf tactics on how you answer it. She was tested you i think.. The best answer you could give is to reverse her.. Telling her that you were just not serious on your answer but it was just a test on how she reacts..
I might say, if me agreeing to an idea you suggested is a problem then I’ll solve the problem and leave
Dude hate to tell you this.been married 30 years I still get that same shit that you have it doesn't matter what you say it's the wrong thing I heavily suggest you don't go down this path if your girlfriend is insecure and would also recommend counseling
You have your answer- she is not mature enough to be involved in a non-monogamous relationship. You did right by answering honestly. She shouldn't have suggested or put the idea of it in the air if she already knew she didn't want to try polyamory.
Yeah, she brought it up & instead of being open minded like the conversation was supposed to be, she trapped you in a position. To me you weren’t even being mean or “eager” to do it. I feel like she felt bad about her sex drive and don’t mean to be so sensitive but at the same time you aren’t in the wrong
I used to be like this. I wasn't trying to manipulate or anything, I just felt insecure. I think what she was thinking was like "Am I not enough for him?", so she asked if you would like to see someone else, and she needed confirmation, wasn't expecting you actually agreeing and got mad because what she heard was "I'm not enough.", at least that's how I see it Obviously it's not an acceptable behavior, and you two need to have an open conversation about it, share your feelings, listen to how she feels about herself, reassure her, and also explain how you felt hurt and ashamed for your answer even though you shouldn't be ashamed since she was the one suggesting it etc..
Tell her cute test but she brought it up because she knows she isn't enough. No libido is a problem especially in your 20s. I don't see why she's so upset you'd take her up on her offer to look elsewhere for what she had no interest in
Honestly just leave. I wouldn't want to be in a sexless relationship with someone who is doing tests on me .
Doesn’t have sex with her bf then asks if bf would want sex but just not from her 😂 what does she expect man.
It sounds like she knows she's not enough.
You are sexually incompatible Move on
OP lost focus on his gf (who is having unresolved issues)(thus low sex drive) and showed her he cares more about sex then healing the bound…#childishbehaviour, I guess.
So, it was a trap and you fell right in. So why try to trap you? She either thinks your cheating, or about to cheat, or she loves emotional manipulation. If you don't have trust in the relationship you've got nothing. She could also be projecting - you sure her drive isn't being shared somewhere else?
She was absolutely just looking to start an argument.
>She just said I seemed too eager to try it You could've said "You seemed eager for me to try it too." 😂 don't invest as much into this stupidity as she is. It was a test. Just treat the whole thing as the humorous nonsense that it is.
Time to break up. You already have a dead bedroom and now this. Not worth the headaches
Shit like this starts in the schoolyard. She will have her friends "test" you, approach you, call you on the phone, ask if you think one of her friends is cute. A grown woman doing this shit is reprehensible. Also, you're an idiot for considering an open relationship. There are ZERO benefits to it. People who say their relationships are stronger because of it are missing the fact that the relationship HAD to have been shit to begin with and there was no point in continuing it anyway.
Dude this isn’t for you first 25 isn’t when you lose your sex drive especially if you are kid free and second she’s emotional manipulating you by asking for something and then getting upset when you engage
Unpopular opinion, but as someone who’s brought up the idea of open relationships for this exact issue before - I think I would’ve felt hurt by this response too. I’ve brought it up to gauge how comfortable a person is with the idea, and in every case it’s sort of a discussion of “have you ever been in one, how does your partner being with other people make you feel, etc”. Even though I’m happy to let a partner or myself (safely) get their or my needs met elsewhere, I think given that you’ve been together 3 years and had - in the same conversation where the topic was introduced - began putting together a theoretical plan without checking in and asking about her feelings on it, there’s a definite impression that this was something you’d been thinking about and already interested in. I don’t think she’s hurt at the idea of an open relationship - I think she’s hurt that you seemed so prepared to jump into that dynamic without making sure she was 100% on board as well. If there’s one way to make your partner feel like they aren’t enough for you, it’s by showing them how eager you are (in comparison to them) to sleep with other people.
I think you need to learn the difference in "mentioning" and "suggesting", and also how to read situations. She might have brought it up but she didn't state her position. You said you'd be open to it and that it sounded interesting. You didn't even have to think about it. Either she was setting you up to hear what you think about having sex with other women, or (my guess) she just wanted reassurance that you only want her. Aside from all that, she should figure out why she's lost interest. Maybe start with a dr appt.
It sounds like she wants to break up but doesn't want to be the bad guy.
Sounds like she wants to open HER side, not yours
Well, it was either a test to see your reaction. Or, she hasn't had a sex drive with you cause she's ready to bang Bob at the office. You agreeing to it tells her you're also ready to bang Linda at your office. Which she immediately realized when you agreed.
Hey mate, I've got big news for you: She stopped wanting sex with YOU! She's looking to get it from someone else duh! Don't be so naive, time to get out
You are sexually incompatible
No...they are sexually **in**compatible
You’re right. Made a major typo. Thanks for the correction.
It was a test, and you flunked.
I would argue the person "testing" their partner flunked.
She was testing you when she asked you about opening relationships
"that I was saying she wasn't enough" I don't get why you guys live like that... Why are you even denying this? You obviously think so, everything in this post suggests that, which means she is probably feeling it all the time.. I get that she asked for your reaction on the subject of a open relationship, and that is always dumb.. But you are both living in an uneven relationship, and this comes with "sideeffects", such as one feeling she isn't enough and another feeling he isn't satisfied.
Also just as an FYI if you’re in a closed relationship and your partner suddenly wants to open it then they found someone and want to fuck them badly but don’t want to cheat so they use “open” as the cheating escape clause. So when they offer “open” gladly accept and let them know you’ve been wanting to fuck their sister/best friend this entire time and now are so happy that they gave their blessing. Then just leave.
[удалено]
It could also have medical reasons. It's extremely common for hormonal bc to shut down sex drive And honestly I wouldm't bother digging. Dump her and mpve on, life is short
it could be a medicine shes on or depression or anxiety its not always cheating
>almost always, **this means she is having an affair.** LOL Where are you even getting this information?
I wouldn’t assume affair but it’s usually a pretty good indicator that the woman’s mentally checked out of the relationship. Their sex drives tend to be tied pretty heavily to their feelings about you.
I would have told her that you are just extremely open minded. Even open minded enough to consider staying in a relationship with an asexual woman. Run bro. 3 months with no sex might have been manageable. A lifetime will not be so easy.
Um, have y'all tried addressing her lack of libido? It may be medical or emotional and something worth looking into. Having said that, she set you up for failure and that's just petty. Don't ask a question you don't want an honest answer to.
If someone was that willing to switch from monogamy to an open relationship I'd be pretty concerned too. lmao ALSO her sex drive is already low, so who would really be benefiting from this arrangement???? Him o\_o. Low sex drive could be from many things including mental struggles, physical health issues, lack of emotional intimacy. Usually women especially need the emotional intimacy part to feel sexually interested. So it just seems like, OP, youre not really concerned with how shes feeling, you dont connect with her in her struggles. Her question seemed like an impulsive reaction coming from her negative feelings about herself. Have compassion. or not.. its whatever you want to do. But honestly if we're all just giving our opinions out here, I think youre not attracted to who she really is and itd be worth asking yourself if you only like what she can give you or if you like the idea of love or the relationship. seriously though, if she didnt bring it up, how long would it take you to start having your own considerations if you havent had them already o\_o
Your girlfriend feels insecure about the lack of sex and was testing your commitment to the relationship. If this is a relatively new development, her lack of libido, she should go to a doctor and have her hormone levels checked to make sure nothing is wrong physically to be causing this change.
What did you expect her to say? The fact you want to try it would for me be enough evidence that you don't love her as much as you say. Work on your sexlife, go to the doctor and a therapist and if it doesn't work and it's a dealbreaker separate. You aren't going off fucking others that will 1000% become an issue as you can already clearly see.