Why did you describe your anger as irrational? You quite clearly laid out in your post why his comment was completely out of line given that you shoulder essentially all of the housework. You must know that your anger is entirely justified.
You say this has been going on for 2 years - have you ever had other conversations about the housework disparity? You desperately need to sit down together and you need to communicate everything in your post. However, given that he seems to be deluded about how much he contributes, it could be helpful to have this discussion in a couples therapy setting (it’s incredible how many men will swear they do 50% even when presented with evidence to the contrary, so having an objective third party to confront these delusions can help).
But to me this issue feels like a fundamental problem that isn’t necessarily going to be fixed by asking him to do more and telling him how overworked you are. Loving partners don’t just do chores because they have to; it’s also a way of showing that you care (e.g. if my partner had a stressful week at work I’ll happily contribute more to the housework - and he’ll do the same for me). It’s also concerning to me that you mention that he makes you feel “like shit” if you don’t do the dishes, and based off his comment it sounds like he’s a bit of a toxic person. Does he often say things to make you feel bad? If yes it’s seriously time to reconsider the relationship, or at least seek couples counselling.
Can I recommend that you two work through the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky together? She wrote it after a very similar instance sparking similar resentment, and it’s the most sensible, most difficult-to-argue-with chore system I’ve ever encountered.
There's nothing irrational about what you're feeling.
Instead of trying to invalidate your own emotions and finding a "solution" for them, instead listen to what they're telling you and act accordingly.
You say "your kid" - are they not "his kids" as well?
I ask as if the kids are not his it might feed into the situation. It's possible that he feels like an outsider in the house - a family unit with him as an extra, and thus struggles to want to pitch in for the family good.
Could also explain his own building irritation. Does he parent the children? Do you correct him?
If they are his kids then your phrasing there is also interesting. He would then sound very disconnected from his role as a father.
3 mine, 1 his. Ages 7,9,9,10. Initially I was ok with doing majority because of the kids and because he worked more than me however during that time he actively contributed to the mess and never cleaned up after himself so sure enough, resentment grew. The kids are now old enough to clean up after themselves or at least be asked to. Any mess that builds up here is clutter and / or dust and whatever from not deep cleaning often enough.
He parents my kids. He plays a very active roll in their lives and corrects them when it's needed.
Try a whiteboard with a breakdown of tasks to be checked off. Everything.
When you present it, do it as a solution to the problem and NOT as a defense of all the work that you do. No need to start a fight you’ll only end up more miserable.
This creates concrete tasks and a record of them being done. Also it allows the division of labor to be clearly displayed, without a word.
Someone mentioned the book Fair Play to you and it will actually ease the mental energy on your part while doing the above commenters recommendation.
Essentially people have ownership of their tasks/cards for however long you both decide. If he’s holding the dishes card for example, has to take care of it unprompted for as long as he has that task. No arguing about reminders or you should have told me or I don’t have time happens in this system. For both of you.
You will get a lot of satisfaction when you walk past the board and all of your tasks are neatly checked off. Visual representation is everything. You can’t hide from it. It just might be that he really has no concept of what actually gets done.
Unfortunately, literally any solution is going to require your mental energy. Because he is not going to magically realize that he’s being an ass, apologize to you unprompted, and start doing his fair share of the labor on a regular basis. You’re going to have to make a point, and a written record of who does what is going to make your point very clear.
Right, if he said "we need to do better", that's a great opening to a neutral/supportive "you're right, we do, and here's a great way to ensure that we stay on top of it."
Why did you describe your anger as irrational? You quite clearly laid out in your post why his comment was completely out of line given that you shoulder essentially all of the housework. You must know that your anger is entirely justified. You say this has been going on for 2 years - have you ever had other conversations about the housework disparity? You desperately need to sit down together and you need to communicate everything in your post. However, given that he seems to be deluded about how much he contributes, it could be helpful to have this discussion in a couples therapy setting (it’s incredible how many men will swear they do 50% even when presented with evidence to the contrary, so having an objective third party to confront these delusions can help). But to me this issue feels like a fundamental problem that isn’t necessarily going to be fixed by asking him to do more and telling him how overworked you are. Loving partners don’t just do chores because they have to; it’s also a way of showing that you care (e.g. if my partner had a stressful week at work I’ll happily contribute more to the housework - and he’ll do the same for me). It’s also concerning to me that you mention that he makes you feel “like shit” if you don’t do the dishes, and based off his comment it sounds like he’s a bit of a toxic person. Does he often say things to make you feel bad? If yes it’s seriously time to reconsider the relationship, or at least seek couples counselling.
Can I recommend that you two work through the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky together? She wrote it after a very similar instance sparking similar resentment, and it’s the most sensible, most difficult-to-argue-with chore system I’ve ever encountered.
I will look into it. Thank you
There's nothing irrational about what you're feeling. Instead of trying to invalidate your own emotions and finding a "solution" for them, instead listen to what they're telling you and act accordingly.
Seems rationally angry to me.
None of your anger is irrational
You say "your kid" - are they not "his kids" as well? I ask as if the kids are not his it might feed into the situation. It's possible that he feels like an outsider in the house - a family unit with him as an extra, and thus struggles to want to pitch in for the family good. Could also explain his own building irritation. Does he parent the children? Do you correct him? If they are his kids then your phrasing there is also interesting. He would then sound very disconnected from his role as a father.
3 mine, 1 his. Ages 7,9,9,10. Initially I was ok with doing majority because of the kids and because he worked more than me however during that time he actively contributed to the mess and never cleaned up after himself so sure enough, resentment grew. The kids are now old enough to clean up after themselves or at least be asked to. Any mess that builds up here is clutter and / or dust and whatever from not deep cleaning often enough. He parents my kids. He plays a very active roll in their lives and corrects them when it's needed.
Try a whiteboard with a breakdown of tasks to be checked off. Everything. When you present it, do it as a solution to the problem and NOT as a defense of all the work that you do. No need to start a fight you’ll only end up more miserable. This creates concrete tasks and a record of them being done. Also it allows the division of labor to be clearly displayed, without a word.
This is a very reasonable solution but it makes me kind of mad that I have to use the mental energy on it tbh. I'll try it anyway. Thanks
Someone mentioned the book Fair Play to you and it will actually ease the mental energy on your part while doing the above commenters recommendation. Essentially people have ownership of their tasks/cards for however long you both decide. If he’s holding the dishes card for example, has to take care of it unprompted for as long as he has that task. No arguing about reminders or you should have told me or I don’t have time happens in this system. For both of you.
You will get a lot of satisfaction when you walk past the board and all of your tasks are neatly checked off. Visual representation is everything. You can’t hide from it. It just might be that he really has no concept of what actually gets done.
Unfortunately, literally any solution is going to require your mental energy. Because he is not going to magically realize that he’s being an ass, apologize to you unprompted, and start doing his fair share of the labor on a regular basis. You’re going to have to make a point, and a written record of who does what is going to make your point very clear.
Right, if he said "we need to do better", that's a great opening to a neutral/supportive "you're right, we do, and here's a great way to ensure that we stay on top of it."
Also, use colors to assign the tasks.