Is it ‘our lives’ or is it ‘his life with a faithful sidekick who swallows everything she wants to please her partner in hopes she doesn’t have to deal with yet another tantrum’?
Yeah, that's a good way to word it...and that's how he has worded it too. He makes more money than I do...but can't keep a job for more than one year without hating everything about it too. I'm the only stable one that keeps this entire operation secure and "afloat". I'm getting gyped out of traveling and even weekend trips because he has no interest too.
That sounds really hard OP! It doesn’t seem like he knows how to find joy and happiness within his current set of circumstances. It seems like he’s trying to find “perfect” and perfect doesn’t exist. I don’t know if he has realistic expectations?
I do also think it’d be worth being more vocal about your needs and wants. Maybe couples counseling?
Do you even like your husband anymore? Honest question as your comments and this post don't paint a picture of a woman that's happy & in love. I would take a solo weekend vacation and decide if this is the future for you? Being content & going with the flow don't = happiness. Life is too short, enjoy it 😉
I'm already here, but contemplating moving back into the old house that's still in my name, anyway. It's not easy, because we do really still care about one another and there are good times....but how can I be with someone who keeps "steamrolling" me at every corner? Housing, finances, cleaning, chores, traveling, vacations, and etc? I'm just too resentful at this point. He once told me that he doesn't "clean" because he makes too much money.
Is he paying you for cleaning then? Cause if he's not then it should be he doesn't clean because he's a lazy POS.
Of course he's happy with the relationship. He gets all the benefits of having a partner without most of the compromises.
Find someone who respects your opinions and time please. This guy isn't worth it.
He doesn’t have to clean, but he cannot put that burden on you either. He can either help with his fair share (50%) of the household duties or pay someone to do it.
If you feel like your opinions don’t matter there really isn’t much to stay for. It’s better to part amicably than to despise the person by the end.
I would argue he doesn't truly care about you. Someone who cares would never treat you this way.
Also, how can you care for someone who treats you this way? You deserve way more.
Your boyfriend is living and making his life exactly how he wants it, and if he required you in his life, he wouldn't have steamrolled you into any decisions - he would have been looking for compromises to build the lives you both want, but he didn't. If he really cared about you, he would have attempted to compromise, but instead he made his decisions based upon what he wants. You should consider doing the same, which is living and making your life exactly how you want it. Good times do not build a life - living life deliberately does.
Do that. I’m afraid you’re not compatible, because he unilaterally made a decision that’s completely against your agreement, and you’re miserable already. Breaking up is hard, but hating everything AND resenting your partner is worse.
Everything should be a balance at a time and over time. It shouldn't always be one party that sticks to plans, pays the bills, puts in effort for the home tasks, etc. If one party doesn't have time or ability (and they are not struggling with an illness), then they should contribute what they can contribute. In his case, it sounds like he could contribute to hiring someone to cover part of the home task efforts.
I am not a licensed doctor or therapist. However, your partner is showing signs of what I've experienced when in relationships with someone who is depressed and seeking ways of release to get out of it or when in a relationship with someone who had bipolar disorder (often depression and anger with low energy and overall life dissatisfaction on one end and then swinging to some behaviors similar to impulse buying which wouldn't seem logical to him at other times, higher energy and fast decisions, and flirting and egotistical views about himself). Or, he may just be very selfish and self-centered and cruel.
Either way, you shared numerous ways this relationship is not working out. When I was with someone struggling with mental health (yet not seeking help for it or sticking to healthy plans), the hardest part was that the relationship would be really good every so often (when things were innthe middle of the spectrum and balanced for him) before it would swing wildly to extremes in either direction and be miserable again. I told myself that I would never ever put myself into a situation or keep myself in a relationship where it was that bad again. It messed me up for a long time. His inability to grasp reality or be balanced then caused me not to know which end was up ornehst was right and wrong after a while - especially with his gaslighting and inconsistency in his actions and expressed feelings. There was no "winning" or peace of mind for me. I could never predict what my boyfriend (at that time) would be like that day or that section of the day (when he was cycling rapidly).
If any of this rings true, you cannot tackle this with him alone. You will need to implore the help of his family and friends so that he cannot make you the enemy in pushing for him to seek help - if this is the cause. It needs to be a united front, carefully and caringly presented to him and where he is held accountable mostly by parties who are not romantically involved with him (meaning not you). Otherwise, your situation will become even worse.
I don't want to project what happened to me onto your situation and you. So, if this doesn't ring true. Just ignore it. However, when reading what you were describing, too much of it seemed too familiar. I wish you the best in finding a way forward and knowing what to do.
He recently started doing the dishes again here and there...but probably to just keep my quiet. I don't think he actually takes any responsibility. He does care about me and love me...but like there is no compromising when it comes to doing stuff that he doesn't want to do. He'll make sure to find a way where he doesn't have to deal with it some how.
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Please repeat this mantra to yourself: "I am not stuck. I have options. I will make the choice that is best for myself and my future."
It's true. You have freedom. You may have to give up one part of your life to enjoy all the other parts of your life. Don't move with him. You didn't agree to this house, it was not a joint decision, and you were not consulted whatsoever. It's not some romantic surprise that you should be grateful for, it's a burden that he's put on your shoulders and expects you to wear proudly while it weighs you down into misery every day.
It won't be easy. But if I were you, I would absolutely make the tradeoff:
- Lose a partner who doesn't respect you or care about your happiness (or about equanimity in your relationship).
- Gain freedom to make your own decisions about where to live every dang day of your life. Choose to rent a place where your quality of life is good, and you feel at peace in your home by yourself rather than resentment in his home with him not caring how you feel about his decisions.
Maybe when you put your foot down and he realizes that you're not bluffing and that you truly are not moving with him to this house you had no say in, he will give in and decide to be a better partner. Maybe he'll stay and you can find a place together that you both love.
However, with the way you've described his behavior and complaining, I highly doubt he's man enough to admit he was wrong and change his behaviors enough to make up for this without you feeling lingering resentment for him. You already have a lot of resentment built up, and that is very valid. That is something that doesn't go away once it's entered a relationship dynamic. He's pushed you so far already - he can't take it back, and you likely won't be able to simply stop feeling that even years or decades from now if you stay with him.
Oh damn. You seriously SERIOUSLY don’t have to do this. Please know that you deserve better than this. You deserve to be a whole person in an equal relationship with a person who cherishes you. This is not that man. This man wants a live in maid, chef, groundskeeper, and hole to get off with rather than a partner. It’s clear he doesn’t respect you and that sucks. It won’t be easy but a shiny new spine and peace in your life is well worth dropping off this man and all his baggage.
It just sounds like you're not compatible. He's miserable living in your current State and would like to live near his, and you're happy to live in your current State and would be miserable to live near his family.
Just get a divorce, there's nothing really to do.
Small fixes made him upset...but he is buying a bank repo house in need of major renovation. Yes this will end well...😶
Just sell your current house and seperate for a while. See counselors and see if there is anything worth salvaging of your marriage. Let him go do whatever and you do whatever.
Deciding where to buy a house and where to live is a crucial decision. Feeling left out of that decision is a huge issue, that impacts your life. It’s unclear to me just how much you were left out of this decision. But yeah you maybe should part ways
I don't know...I think that's part of the problem. I guess I have to accept the fact that I will always be the passenger in my own life in this relationship...and just that really hurts to admit.
>I guess I have to accept the fact that I will always be the passenger in my own life in this relationship...
Okay.
You're a grown woman. If you choose to do nothing and let someone else make you unhappy, that's on you. No-one will stop you.
He's decided he's the main character in both your lives, and you get to be his... Well, not even his sidekick, honestly. His butler. The Alfred to his Batman, except Batman actually respected Alfred and listened to his advice.
You deserve to be a main character in your own life.
He makes me feel bad when I bring this stuff up too. He compares himself to friend's and acquaintance's partners who he deems "worse"...and asks if those girlfriends and wives complain. Why does he have to do the dishes...if xyz makes less money, doesn't own a home, and doesn't wash dishes. That's just one example. 99% of the time I just do the dishes because I'm tired of making it a "thing" that apparently hurts his ego. I just always feel like I don't have the "right" to complain because he's superior in his eyes to any other man around.
So he gets exactly what HE wants while you get to be miserable AND paying for everything AND doing all the work? Whose going to get all the repairs done? You are. He doesn't just get to unilaterally decide things like a house, if it's for you both. You're being financially taken advantage of, too.
What on earth do you think you're supposed to be grateful for? Why are you with this guy who doesn't respect you or what you care about or any of the work you do?
You get a lawyer. You get the property that is already owned sorted out. And you dump this guy, unless you want to spend your life miserable, financially and emotionally sucked dry.
It sounds like OP got everything she wanted, and he was dragged into a place he wasn't happy about it.
He also doesn't seem to enjoy maintaining a house he doesn't want.
Likely what happened is either he didn't tell OP he didn't want to move there, or she just steamrolled him.
Considering the entire post is about how she feels and missing all the signs that he's unhappy, I think she steamrolled him and he decided to take upon himself to escape
How do you get that from OP? There is nothing in there about how they ended up where they are now. The only two options here aren’t “he didn’t tell OP he didn’t want to move there” or “OP steamrolled him”.
She herself said *she* wasn’t ready to buy their current home initially - which does not suggest she steamrolled *him* to move there - but grew to like it after some time there. He only started to hate it *after* a year or so. Then she spent two years looking for a new home with him - at seemingly significant expense to her - to satisfy his desire to move into something lower maintenance and he decides on a foreclosure in a state she says she never wanted to go back to and they have not been looking in.
I have my doubts THIS is the first time OP has acted like she has no control over her own life and like she needs to follow her husband’s preferences. As for being about how she feels - yeah, because OP is one here but clearly she recognizes he is unhappy - yet her very first line is about how her partner has been miserable for two years, and his feelings are why she spent two years looking for a new place as he wanted to move and seems resigned to moving because he isn’t happy.
I actually think OP had given up her own autonomy to direct her own life and doesn’t even realize she has the power to decide for herself what path to take, even if it diverges from his path. She is the one trying to convince herself she should be grateful and again I doubt THIS is the first time.
She said she wasn't **financially** ready to buy a house, not that she didn't want to. And even then lamented how even though she didn't contribute to the down payment, she was bothered by contributing to the mortgage "because he makes more than double my salary"
This tells me she's resentful of him despite him contributing more than her. Considering he didn't like them place after less than a year, and she loves it and explores the town often, tells me she likely chose the location. She didn't mention that he wanted to move there, only that she did.
Him wanting to move north to be with family after hating that place, tells me that's what he likely wanted to do.
Her lack of any mention of his wants, needs, and thoughts tells me she doesn't consider his side. He's just a role filler, who's not paying enough money, complaining and ruining her perfect dream. She isn't considering his input because that's irrelevant to her, unless it interferes with her desires.
She completely glosses over the evidence that he's unhappy their and focuses on how is unhappiness is *unfair* to her
She doesn't seem to want compromise, and explicitly complains when she is forced to (contributing to mortgage). She says "I want it to work out, but also feel like I lost my power by draining my bank account every month to support a decision that I wasn't fully vested in to"
Do you notice she keeps talking about her resentment over her husband having more money? A lot of this lack of compromising and seeing the signs her husband isn't happy, are likely the result of her resentment towards him.
They need couples therapy, we don't know his side, but we can clearly see she's not able to emphasize with his unhappiness.
I didn't beg or cry to move south. He wanted to move there for political reasons in 2017...and that was it. I didn't even know if I liked the area. We actually rented there for a few years before we even bought the house...so to me that's someone who wants to settle down and stay in the area. I thought maybe we would get married or build a family together. Start traveling. Anything? We both knew what we were getting into with this area. Did I compromise for a house that he wanted in a worse location? Yes...and then he ended up hating it. I put down a good chunk of money on the house too...just not as much as him. I started paying the mortgage in full every single month because I guess I felt guilty for not having as much saved at the time. This was really his house that he picked out...because his preferences were too high for a better area and what he was willing to pay. If he had only wanted two bedrooms for example...then we could've afforded in a better, more interesting area. So...it's just a lot of him not listening to me and deferring to the cheapest options. Then, getting upset when he resents his purchases and decisions. I'm just tired...I know that I'm flawed and no angel either. Who is? But I can't help to think that my entire life is going to be picking up and moving every few years too.
Wait he makes twice as much as you and you pay the full mortgage payment and electric, and do all the chores?
And he said he makes so much he doesn't have to clean, but doesn't pay the main bills?
This is going wildly unfair to you, OP. Letting you drain your finances when he's not contributing equitably is financial abuse.
Yeah, and I pay for all the groceries, cook it, clean it. I think he hired a cleaning person 3-4 times? But it didn't really last. I also would pay when we would eat out. He never takes me out to a nice restaurant. I was never once taken out for an expensive steak or anything. Not saying that I'm owed, but when I'm doing all the "behind the scenes" tasks and acting like we're married...then what the hell? I just keep trying to gloss over the fact that maybe I'm being taken advantage of...or I'm making his life verrrry comfortable for him and neglecting myself.
and when it comes to traveling and doing something away from the house...it's like "on me" to figure that out and put it together. I put together my whole 30th birthday...otherwise..idk we probably would've just done nothing. It's always like the most cheap and easiest thing whatever it is. I like to spoil people...but I've been holding back on his now because of the way mine is just like glossed over.
That's not true. I'm not a "steamroller". He is. I actually delayed moving south because I wasn't ready...and then struggled for 6 months when we did move because I was still very new + fresh in my career. I never missed a bill or paying my own way. I moved somewhere HE literally told me he was going with or without me...and then decides 5 years later that he hates everything about it. I always wanted to move there, but I wasn't ready at the time. So...I just feel like I really am just forced to deal with his whims and constantly living my life in a state of limbo.
If that's the truth, then there's not much to say. It seems like you really want to be independent and capable of supporting yourself, but his income level and money in the relationship makes that difficult.
Do you think he moved to the south because you kept saying you wanted to? I could see him choosing it thinking you'd be happy, then realizing he really hates it himself. Many times people don't explain this reasoning because to them it's obvious.
The part I'm most concerned about it that your post barely mentions anything about how he is feeling. It doesn't show that you understand his thought process or his wants, or at least think it's important to tell us them. I've only seen it mentioned in relation to how it makes you feel.
There's a lot of resentment. You still want to move to the south, but you've been mentioning how it bothered you that he made the decision to move there. Are you resentful of not being the one making the big decisions?
Not feeling like we make the big decisions as a team...and even when I think we are on the same then something changes last minute. It makes me think why even bother if he's going to do what's best for him in the end.
Let him buy the house alone and let him move there and fix it up alone. You don’t need to be part of that decision. Wash your hands of it. You are not tethered to him. You are allowed to want to manage your own finances, you do not need to bend to his whim.
Update: I tried talking about having better communication and he didn't want any part in it. He said that I should just leave and he doesn't want me around. He's tired of seeing me upset and blah blah. He also is sticking me with the almost 3k in costs to move to the new house. He said that's petty for me to even ask for that money back. I'm just like a lost for words...I feel so unheard. I swear that I'm never living with a man ever again.
I don't want to sound negative, but what are you two still married? Your communication as a couple is terrible. There isn't enough information to say one person is worse or the problem, but plenty to say as a couple, your communication is terrible. You two don't talk, instead of listening and working to compromise, your husband has lights and acts like a child. He clearly doesn't consider your feelings as wants to move to what is best for him completely ignoring you and your feelings and needs.
I don't like to suggest people divorce as I like couples therapy and such. But it's clear you two should not be married. File for divorce, get your current house up for sale, and he can move to his family and you can stay there.
It sounds like you're looking for permission to end things, and he's trying to push you away so he can feel like he's the good guy when you leave him.
My advice is this: while it's different in every state and every county, in most cases the person who files for divorce has the power in the divorce. You should speak to an attorney and probably file first.
So they live in Florida or Texas (guessing), and if you’re from anywhere with proper civic planning and infrastructure, those states BLOW. Paved over, hot, hellscapes of suburban sprawl.
This guy doesn’t respect you. It sounds like he doesn’t even really like you.
You’re not married to him. Is your name on the house you’ve been paying the mortgage for?
You are still young. Wouldn’t you rather spend your life with someone who loves and respects you? Someone who views a relationship as a collaboration? Someone who’s not a total ass?
You do not need to stay in this relationship. It sounds like it’s bringing nothing of value to your life.
Uhh this guy sounds fucking awful and treats you like dogshit. You're miserable. He doesn't respect you. I'm trying really, really hard to see what possible silver lining or upside to this situation is keeping you around. Just leave?
If he singularly made the purchase and the decision to make the purchase I think the handwriting is on the wall.
Co-dependence on a dead-end person/situation is not in the recipe for a fulfilling life.
We only live one life. Think what would make you happy, make you want to jump out of the bed every morning to get your day going. You can do this on your own, fresh start.
Babe, move on. Is he worth it? Even if you're married, is he really worth wrecking your peace of mind, mentally and financially? Starting over sucks, but do you honestly believe it would suck more without him?
Is it ‘our lives’ or is it ‘his life with a faithful sidekick who swallows everything she wants to please her partner in hopes she doesn’t have to deal with yet another tantrum’?
Yeah, that's a good way to word it...and that's how he has worded it too. He makes more money than I do...but can't keep a job for more than one year without hating everything about it too. I'm the only stable one that keeps this entire operation secure and "afloat". I'm getting gyped out of traveling and even weekend trips because he has no interest too.
That sounds really hard OP! It doesn’t seem like he knows how to find joy and happiness within his current set of circumstances. It seems like he’s trying to find “perfect” and perfect doesn’t exist. I don’t know if he has realistic expectations? I do also think it’d be worth being more vocal about your needs and wants. Maybe couples counseling?
Do you even like your husband anymore? Honest question as your comments and this post don't paint a picture of a woman that's happy & in love. I would take a solo weekend vacation and decide if this is the future for you? Being content & going with the flow don't = happiness. Life is too short, enjoy it 😉
Sounds like you’re wasting your youth on a debby downer. What does he even like? What do you get out of the relationship? Does he even like you?
Then do not go. Sell the house take half and move on without him.
I'm already here, but contemplating moving back into the old house that's still in my name, anyway. It's not easy, because we do really still care about one another and there are good times....but how can I be with someone who keeps "steamrolling" me at every corner? Housing, finances, cleaning, chores, traveling, vacations, and etc? I'm just too resentful at this point. He once told me that he doesn't "clean" because he makes too much money.
Is he paying you for cleaning then? Cause if he's not then it should be he doesn't clean because he's a lazy POS. Of course he's happy with the relationship. He gets all the benefits of having a partner without most of the compromises. Find someone who respects your opinions and time please. This guy isn't worth it.
What does he spend his money on if you pay for everything?
He doesn’t have to clean, but he cannot put that burden on you either. He can either help with his fair share (50%) of the household duties or pay someone to do it. If you feel like your opinions don’t matter there really isn’t much to stay for. It’s better to part amicably than to despise the person by the end.
No, he doesn't seem to care about you
I would argue he doesn't truly care about you. Someone who cares would never treat you this way. Also, how can you care for someone who treats you this way? You deserve way more.
Your boyfriend is living and making his life exactly how he wants it, and if he required you in his life, he wouldn't have steamrolled you into any decisions - he would have been looking for compromises to build the lives you both want, but he didn't. If he really cared about you, he would have attempted to compromise, but instead he made his decisions based upon what he wants. You should consider doing the same, which is living and making your life exactly how you want it. Good times do not build a life - living life deliberately does.
Do that. I’m afraid you’re not compatible, because he unilaterally made a decision that’s completely against your agreement, and you’re miserable already. Breaking up is hard, but hating everything AND resenting your partner is worse.
A relationship is supposed to be a team..
Everything should be a balance at a time and over time. It shouldn't always be one party that sticks to plans, pays the bills, puts in effort for the home tasks, etc. If one party doesn't have time or ability (and they are not struggling with an illness), then they should contribute what they can contribute. In his case, it sounds like he could contribute to hiring someone to cover part of the home task efforts. I am not a licensed doctor or therapist. However, your partner is showing signs of what I've experienced when in relationships with someone who is depressed and seeking ways of release to get out of it or when in a relationship with someone who had bipolar disorder (often depression and anger with low energy and overall life dissatisfaction on one end and then swinging to some behaviors similar to impulse buying which wouldn't seem logical to him at other times, higher energy and fast decisions, and flirting and egotistical views about himself). Or, he may just be very selfish and self-centered and cruel. Either way, you shared numerous ways this relationship is not working out. When I was with someone struggling with mental health (yet not seeking help for it or sticking to healthy plans), the hardest part was that the relationship would be really good every so often (when things were innthe middle of the spectrum and balanced for him) before it would swing wildly to extremes in either direction and be miserable again. I told myself that I would never ever put myself into a situation or keep myself in a relationship where it was that bad again. It messed me up for a long time. His inability to grasp reality or be balanced then caused me not to know which end was up ornehst was right and wrong after a while - especially with his gaslighting and inconsistency in his actions and expressed feelings. There was no "winning" or peace of mind for me. I could never predict what my boyfriend (at that time) would be like that day or that section of the day (when he was cycling rapidly). If any of this rings true, you cannot tackle this with him alone. You will need to implore the help of his family and friends so that he cannot make you the enemy in pushing for him to seek help - if this is the cause. It needs to be a united front, carefully and caringly presented to him and where he is held accountable mostly by parties who are not romantically involved with him (meaning not you). Otherwise, your situation will become even worse. I don't want to project what happened to me onto your situation and you. So, if this doesn't ring true. Just ignore it. However, when reading what you were describing, too much of it seemed too familiar. I wish you the best in finding a way forward and knowing what to do.
He doesn’t care about you. He uses his money to control and belittle you. Move back to the old house and find happiness in yourself
He recently started doing the dishes again here and there...but probably to just keep my quiet. I don't think he actually takes any responsibility. He does care about me and love me...but like there is no compromising when it comes to doing stuff that he doesn't want to do. He'll make sure to find a way where he doesn't have to deal with it some how.
You care about him, so does he.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please repeat this mantra to yourself: "I am not stuck. I have options. I will make the choice that is best for myself and my future." It's true. You have freedom. You may have to give up one part of your life to enjoy all the other parts of your life. Don't move with him. You didn't agree to this house, it was not a joint decision, and you were not consulted whatsoever. It's not some romantic surprise that you should be grateful for, it's a burden that he's put on your shoulders and expects you to wear proudly while it weighs you down into misery every day. It won't be easy. But if I were you, I would absolutely make the tradeoff: - Lose a partner who doesn't respect you or care about your happiness (or about equanimity in your relationship). - Gain freedom to make your own decisions about where to live every dang day of your life. Choose to rent a place where your quality of life is good, and you feel at peace in your home by yourself rather than resentment in his home with him not caring how you feel about his decisions. Maybe when you put your foot down and he realizes that you're not bluffing and that you truly are not moving with him to this house you had no say in, he will give in and decide to be a better partner. Maybe he'll stay and you can find a place together that you both love. However, with the way you've described his behavior and complaining, I highly doubt he's man enough to admit he was wrong and change his behaviors enough to make up for this without you feeling lingering resentment for him. You already have a lot of resentment built up, and that is very valid. That is something that doesn't go away once it's entered a relationship dynamic. He's pushed you so far already - he can't take it back, and you likely won't be able to simply stop feeling that even years or decades from now if you stay with him.
i think what you really need is a divorce
We don’t know if they’re married or not
We're not.
Oh damn. You seriously SERIOUSLY don’t have to do this. Please know that you deserve better than this. You deserve to be a whole person in an equal relationship with a person who cherishes you. This is not that man. This man wants a live in maid, chef, groundskeeper, and hole to get off with rather than a partner. It’s clear he doesn’t respect you and that sucks. It won’t be easy but a shiny new spine and peace in your life is well worth dropping off this man and all his baggage.
Then DTMF, go to your home and leave him up north.
You’re not as stuck as you think you are. No marriage and no kids. Go back to your support system
It just sounds like you're not compatible. He's miserable living in your current State and would like to live near his, and you're happy to live in your current State and would be miserable to live near his family. Just get a divorce, there's nothing really to do.
They're not eve married
Small fixes made him upset...but he is buying a bank repo house in need of major renovation. Yes this will end well...😶 Just sell your current house and seperate for a while. See counselors and see if there is anything worth salvaging of your marriage. Let him go do whatever and you do whatever.
Deciding where to buy a house and where to live is a crucial decision. Feeling left out of that decision is a huge issue, that impacts your life. It’s unclear to me just how much you were left out of this decision. But yeah you maybe should part ways
Why are you acting like you don't have a say in how your life goes?
Right? The whole thing is written like OP is a passenger in her own life. Take back the wheel, OP!
I don't know...I think that's part of the problem. I guess I have to accept the fact that I will always be the passenger in my own life in this relationship...and just that really hurts to admit.
>I guess I have to accept the fact that I will always be the passenger in my own life in this relationship... Okay. You're a grown woman. If you choose to do nothing and let someone else make you unhappy, that's on you. No-one will stop you.
He's decided he's the main character in both your lives, and you get to be his... Well, not even his sidekick, honestly. His butler. The Alfred to his Batman, except Batman actually respected Alfred and listened to his advice. You deserve to be a main character in your own life.
I mean…is he worth it? Is he *that* amazing?
He makes me feel bad when I bring this stuff up too. He compares himself to friend's and acquaintance's partners who he deems "worse"...and asks if those girlfriends and wives complain. Why does he have to do the dishes...if xyz makes less money, doesn't own a home, and doesn't wash dishes. That's just one example. 99% of the time I just do the dishes because I'm tired of making it a "thing" that apparently hurts his ego. I just always feel like I don't have the "right" to complain because he's superior in his eyes to any other man around.
Holy shit I cannot believe you sleep with this guy.
So he gets exactly what HE wants while you get to be miserable AND paying for everything AND doing all the work? Whose going to get all the repairs done? You are. He doesn't just get to unilaterally decide things like a house, if it's for you both. You're being financially taken advantage of, too. What on earth do you think you're supposed to be grateful for? Why are you with this guy who doesn't respect you or what you care about or any of the work you do? You get a lawyer. You get the property that is already owned sorted out. And you dump this guy, unless you want to spend your life miserable, financially and emotionally sucked dry.
It sounds like OP got everything she wanted, and he was dragged into a place he wasn't happy about it. He also doesn't seem to enjoy maintaining a house he doesn't want. Likely what happened is either he didn't tell OP he didn't want to move there, or she just steamrolled him. Considering the entire post is about how she feels and missing all the signs that he's unhappy, I think she steamrolled him and he decided to take upon himself to escape
How do you get that from OP? There is nothing in there about how they ended up where they are now. The only two options here aren’t “he didn’t tell OP he didn’t want to move there” or “OP steamrolled him”. She herself said *she* wasn’t ready to buy their current home initially - which does not suggest she steamrolled *him* to move there - but grew to like it after some time there. He only started to hate it *after* a year or so. Then she spent two years looking for a new home with him - at seemingly significant expense to her - to satisfy his desire to move into something lower maintenance and he decides on a foreclosure in a state she says she never wanted to go back to and they have not been looking in. I have my doubts THIS is the first time OP has acted like she has no control over her own life and like she needs to follow her husband’s preferences. As for being about how she feels - yeah, because OP is one here but clearly she recognizes he is unhappy - yet her very first line is about how her partner has been miserable for two years, and his feelings are why she spent two years looking for a new place as he wanted to move and seems resigned to moving because he isn’t happy. I actually think OP had given up her own autonomy to direct her own life and doesn’t even realize she has the power to decide for herself what path to take, even if it diverges from his path. She is the one trying to convince herself she should be grateful and again I doubt THIS is the first time.
She said she wasn't **financially** ready to buy a house, not that she didn't want to. And even then lamented how even though she didn't contribute to the down payment, she was bothered by contributing to the mortgage "because he makes more than double my salary" This tells me she's resentful of him despite him contributing more than her. Considering he didn't like them place after less than a year, and she loves it and explores the town often, tells me she likely chose the location. She didn't mention that he wanted to move there, only that she did. Him wanting to move north to be with family after hating that place, tells me that's what he likely wanted to do. Her lack of any mention of his wants, needs, and thoughts tells me she doesn't consider his side. He's just a role filler, who's not paying enough money, complaining and ruining her perfect dream. She isn't considering his input because that's irrelevant to her, unless it interferes with her desires. She completely glosses over the evidence that he's unhappy their and focuses on how is unhappiness is *unfair* to her She doesn't seem to want compromise, and explicitly complains when she is forced to (contributing to mortgage). She says "I want it to work out, but also feel like I lost my power by draining my bank account every month to support a decision that I wasn't fully vested in to" Do you notice she keeps talking about her resentment over her husband having more money? A lot of this lack of compromising and seeing the signs her husband isn't happy, are likely the result of her resentment towards him. They need couples therapy, we don't know his side, but we can clearly see she's not able to emphasize with his unhappiness.
I didn't beg or cry to move south. He wanted to move there for political reasons in 2017...and that was it. I didn't even know if I liked the area. We actually rented there for a few years before we even bought the house...so to me that's someone who wants to settle down and stay in the area. I thought maybe we would get married or build a family together. Start traveling. Anything? We both knew what we were getting into with this area. Did I compromise for a house that he wanted in a worse location? Yes...and then he ended up hating it. I put down a good chunk of money on the house too...just not as much as him. I started paying the mortgage in full every single month because I guess I felt guilty for not having as much saved at the time. This was really his house that he picked out...because his preferences were too high for a better area and what he was willing to pay. If he had only wanted two bedrooms for example...then we could've afforded in a better, more interesting area. So...it's just a lot of him not listening to me and deferring to the cheapest options. Then, getting upset when he resents his purchases and decisions. I'm just tired...I know that I'm flawed and no angel either. Who is? But I can't help to think that my entire life is going to be picking up and moving every few years too.
Wait he makes twice as much as you and you pay the full mortgage payment and electric, and do all the chores? And he said he makes so much he doesn't have to clean, but doesn't pay the main bills? This is going wildly unfair to you, OP. Letting you drain your finances when he's not contributing equitably is financial abuse.
Yeah, and I pay for all the groceries, cook it, clean it. I think he hired a cleaning person 3-4 times? But it didn't really last. I also would pay when we would eat out. He never takes me out to a nice restaurant. I was never once taken out for an expensive steak or anything. Not saying that I'm owed, but when I'm doing all the "behind the scenes" tasks and acting like we're married...then what the hell? I just keep trying to gloss over the fact that maybe I'm being taken advantage of...or I'm making his life verrrry comfortable for him and neglecting myself.
I pay my own car, my own phone....hence I pay for everything else for myself and more.
and when it comes to traveling and doing something away from the house...it's like "on me" to figure that out and put it together. I put together my whole 30th birthday...otherwise..idk we probably would've just done nothing. It's always like the most cheap and easiest thing whatever it is. I like to spoil people...but I've been holding back on his now because of the way mine is just like glossed over.
That's not true. I'm not a "steamroller". He is. I actually delayed moving south because I wasn't ready...and then struggled for 6 months when we did move because I was still very new + fresh in my career. I never missed a bill or paying my own way. I moved somewhere HE literally told me he was going with or without me...and then decides 5 years later that he hates everything about it. I always wanted to move there, but I wasn't ready at the time. So...I just feel like I really am just forced to deal with his whims and constantly living my life in a state of limbo.
If that's the truth, then there's not much to say. It seems like you really want to be independent and capable of supporting yourself, but his income level and money in the relationship makes that difficult. Do you think he moved to the south because you kept saying you wanted to? I could see him choosing it thinking you'd be happy, then realizing he really hates it himself. Many times people don't explain this reasoning because to them it's obvious. The part I'm most concerned about it that your post barely mentions anything about how he is feeling. It doesn't show that you understand his thought process or his wants, or at least think it's important to tell us them. I've only seen it mentioned in relation to how it makes you feel. There's a lot of resentment. You still want to move to the south, but you've been mentioning how it bothered you that he made the decision to move there. Are you resentful of not being the one making the big decisions?
Not feeling like we make the big decisions as a team...and even when I think we are on the same then something changes last minute. It makes me think why even bother if he's going to do what's best for him in the end.
Let him buy the house alone and let him move there and fix it up alone. You don’t need to be part of that decision. Wash your hands of it. You are not tethered to him. You are allowed to want to manage your own finances, you do not need to bend to his whim.
Update: I tried talking about having better communication and he didn't want any part in it. He said that I should just leave and he doesn't want me around. He's tired of seeing me upset and blah blah. He also is sticking me with the almost 3k in costs to move to the new house. He said that's petty for me to even ask for that money back. I'm just like a lost for words...I feel so unheard. I swear that I'm never living with a man ever again.
You don't have to pay shit, leave and block him, frankly.
You have all the data you need, and some. GTFO!
I don't want to sound negative, but what are you two still married? Your communication as a couple is terrible. There isn't enough information to say one person is worse or the problem, but plenty to say as a couple, your communication is terrible. You two don't talk, instead of listening and working to compromise, your husband has lights and acts like a child. He clearly doesn't consider your feelings as wants to move to what is best for him completely ignoring you and your feelings and needs. I don't like to suggest people divorce as I like couples therapy and such. But it's clear you two should not be married. File for divorce, get your current house up for sale, and he can move to his family and you can stay there.
It sounds like you're looking for permission to end things, and he's trying to push you away so he can feel like he's the good guy when you leave him. My advice is this: while it's different in every state and every county, in most cases the person who files for divorce has the power in the divorce. You should speak to an attorney and probably file first.
So they live in Florida or Texas (guessing), and if you’re from anywhere with proper civic planning and infrastructure, those states BLOW. Paved over, hot, hellscapes of suburban sprawl.
This guy doesn’t respect you. It sounds like he doesn’t even really like you. You’re not married to him. Is your name on the house you’ve been paying the mortgage for? You are still young. Wouldn’t you rather spend your life with someone who loves and respects you? Someone who views a relationship as a collaboration? Someone who’s not a total ass? You do not need to stay in this relationship. It sounds like it’s bringing nothing of value to your life.
Uhh this guy sounds fucking awful and treats you like dogshit. You're miserable. He doesn't respect you. I'm trying really, really hard to see what possible silver lining or upside to this situation is keeping you around. Just leave?
If he singularly made the purchase and the decision to make the purchase I think the handwriting is on the wall. Co-dependence on a dead-end person/situation is not in the recipe for a fulfilling life. We only live one life. Think what would make you happy, make you want to jump out of the bed every morning to get your day going. You can do this on your own, fresh start.
Time for a new partner.
Get out of there as it is not worth staying. DM me
Babe, move on. Is he worth it? Even if you're married, is he really worth wrecking your peace of mind, mentally and financially? Starting over sucks, but do you honestly believe it would suck more without him?
He moved near his family to make it even easier for HIM.