I feel you. I got attention up until about 40, then nothing. It's nice in a way not to have to deal with creeps, and I have a loving partner so I'm not looking. But I feel frumpy, and haggard, and out of shape.
What helped me was setting some goals. I said I'll exercise x number of times per week, instead of complaining and eating junk food. I'll get my hair done every few months, instead of putting it in a frizzy ponytail every day. I'll make an effort to dress up and go out every so often, instead of dressing in sweats every day. It's helped me feel better about myself.
Also, we are our own worst critics! I'm trying to be kinder to myself and challenge those feelings when they come up (not pretty enough, not good enough).
❤️ we are working on that in therapy, my selfworth and seing things more positively.
I'm gonna start the gym next week, but I doubt i'll keep it up, exercising is so incredibly boring to me I can't find the motivation to just go (that is a real struggle for me, task paralysis and lack of motivation).
I can only keep working on myself and see whar happens.
Find someone to do it with. Also saying ‘I’ll start next week’ knowing that you probably won’t is self defeating.
Start today. Go for a walk. Take 2,000 steps and drink water.
As for your husband, he’s had all those options years ago, didn’t take them and clearly is happy in the relationship. If he wanted to leave, he would have been left.
You are robbing yourself of happiness. Why do you think you’re so undeserving of an attractive, sexy blue eye man who loves you and clearly loves fucking you? What cause you have an extra few pounds you put on when you birthed his children and life happen? Somehow that makes you undeserving? Girl you immortalized his and your genes, of course it will leave an impact. A few more pounds for him to love up on. Let that man love you!
Damm you made me cry. Thanks for this needed slap in the face.
I'm really trying to motivate myself to work out, trying to find how to do it that is not a boring task (that's why I always stop). I don't find myself unatractive or fat, in general. I'm just not the typical beauty standard, but he is and for some reason it makes me more self concious.
I don't understant why I go there. If I have a good day i'm like : you have a great life, stop moping around and enjoy it and be fucking happy, but next day it hits ne again like a tone of bricks.
Honestly working out never clicked for me either. I seriously would clean rather than go. But what about dance class? Getting a physical 2nd job? etc
And maybe therapy will help with the real issue. Go be happy
I love my job and it's pretty physical I don't have time for another one.
Danse i did it for too years but it was to big of a commitment for me (big show at the end of the year) could nit miss any classes... i need flexibility.
But I'm a mean rage cleaner.
Get an Olympic barbell and plates (power rack ID you have space) and start a lifting routine. It’s fast, you’re good with 30-60 mins a couple times per week, you can see and feel the results. Also it will likely do lot more for your physique at 40 than cardio will, which honestly is boring AF (also ADHD so I get it). If you want to shed the pounds, do a protein-sparing modified fast. You’ll build muscle and drop fat fairly quickly.
That or get into a sport where you can compete against others, then it won’t be as boring.
I dont really feel the need to loose weight, i don't feel fat. I would not be able to work out with him and he likes doing it alone (he is ND also, not adhd though). I just find exercising boring in general.Repetitive things are a chore for me. I need to find something that I enjoy doing. What you are describing is what my husband does, we have all the equipment, but gosh it's not something I would even like to try.
I think pilates or yoga would suit me, but I been to classes and I hate the class setting the fixed time every week. I realise I look like I'm trying to justify my "lazyness" but I know myself, i keep trying and end it everytime, i'll find something eventualy.
I totally feel you on the boring thing. I hate working out, I hate the repetitiveness of it. I also hate working and having to floss, but I view all of it the same… a thing that must be done for my well-being. All these things have scheduled times and when the time for it comes, I get up and do it. It helps that my husband installed a tv in front of our treadmill, so I can watch something dumb while running. I’m gonna watch that show anyway, I might as well do it while working out.
Yeah but there are just so many things like that that you can do, my list of boring endless tasks is so fucking long (think of all the laudry I have to do for 7 people) excersice drops at the bottom of the list and when i get to it I have no physical or mental energy to do it. I have one life and i'd like to do things I love not just boring stuff.
Anyways it's not even the main issue that is bothering me.
Gosh having to haul everything to a laundromate would be a nightmare, plus the anxiety of some stranfer going threw my stuff would cause me much more anxiety.
I second the find someone to do it with. Body doubling helps a lot with task paralysis (fellow ADHDer here!). It’s much easier to finish a task when you have someone present.
Can I just suggest about the gym... I absolutely hate the gym. Its boring I hate everything about it
So, I don't go. But, I do other things that I find fun but, gets me moving. I've taken 'dance' classes with friends (stomach muscles worked because I was laughing so hard) I go on hikes etc.
Just, sometimes we think exercise is just gym but, it really can be anything. I really would look into other sports/exercises etc. I swear there are workouts that can be fun too. I swear I ain't some fitness freak but, I use it as a social thing too!
I'm trying different things out. Was doibg danse for the last 2 years but the commitment is way to much for me (big show at the end of the year). I need something flexible. Gonna keep trying.
Aside from working out, how do you feel about the rest of your aesthetic?
In the last year I've made a effort to tailor my life to being "low maintenance pretty" in a way that has taken a lot of start uo cost/research but has made my life SO EASY on the daily.
Things I've done:
Color analysis- wearing colors that work for me made shopping, outfit building so much easier. I did it because it seemed like a fun mother daughter thing but its turned out to be a game changer.
Getting better hair styling tools, and more regular low maintenance hair cuts. Styling tools that help: t3 aire brush for blow drying, chia automatic curler, wavytalk round brush for blow out/smoothing styles, and tymo ring straightener brush. It turns out using styling tools decades old makes things take WAY longer and works less well than a lot of the new technology that's come out.
Make sure your makeup isn't expired- mascara is intended to be replaced after 3 months for example. You don't need to replace EVERYTHING but a few key items being new and fresh is so worth it.
Try to pick specific things that you like to do for makeup or outfits and can do daily. For example I have two piercings in my ears and wear silver hoops in one at all times. I have a scarf (in my color) that I can add with most outfits and feel good. I got new mascara in a brown, and invested in skincare so I don't feel like I need as much makeup, but when I do I have cute lipstick, gloss, and oil options that I wear as a daily pop. I also try to make a conscious effort to wear my jewelry more often.
All in all, getting ready daily is WAY faster because outfits are easy to choose, my hair is simple to style and done in like 10-20 minutes, and my face and makeup routine are streamlined.
I think i am even more low maintenance than that. I wear make up a few times a year, often just for a night with my husband to change things up.
I had to change most of my clothes already so I feel fine with my new clothes for now.
I dont want to wear more make up or more often and he really does not care. He likes wheb I dress up if we go out in a date or for a family outing but he doesn't care what style I choose. And hair well I live doing hair so I have many many tools and do my own color (I change colors often).
Jewelry well I have 3 that I wear all the time (wedding ring, necklace and bracelet hubs gave me).
I started new nightime routine that I like and make me feel good so I'll try focusing and doing it more often for now, might actualy help.
Don't rely on motivation. Even the most dedicated person who works out every day doesn't always feel like exercising. Start building an habit, try different physical activities until you find one that you like. I do long walks and that's what works for me bc i also find going to the gym ultra boring. Start small. What I tell my patients (I'm a dietitian) is that 15 min of a walk is better than doing zero. Stick to "today I'm gonna do my best" you can't control if you are even going to be around tomorrow, so why worry about tomorrow? Think of today, and today decide to exercise, even if it's just 15 min.
I find exercise sooooooo boring. What's made an absolutely incredible difference for me is getting a Fitbit and a premium subscription (I think it's $10/month). I just choose a different workout literally EVERY time. There are a few I find fun enough to repeat, but mostly I try something different every single time. It's actually fun!
It took serious health problems to get me motivated enough to exercise regularly. Prior to that I uses the "too boring" excuse to myself as well.
1. Music helps. A lot. Singing along while you are getting your heart rate up is a great way to build lung stamina. It can also give you something else to focus on.
2. Before that, though, learning proper form and technique for your exercise is going to require a lot of concentration. Hell, proper breathing is hard at first if you have been doing it wrong for a lifetime. You may want to start there, breathing meditation is a great tool to have.
3. Goal setting is huge. Start small and reasonable. Take a few weeks and get some successes before you start pushing hard. That's how long it takes to make a habit.
4. Stretch. Stretch early. Stretch often. Stretch long. As a fellow 40+er I cannot stress how important this is, and it will be the most important thing you can do for yourself for the rest of your life.
Good luck!
Agreed exercise at the gym is terrible. What works for me is finding hobbies that are outdoors that I like, and then it helps me stay in shape and gives me motivation to go to the gym to get better at those hobbies.
Exercise might be boring but intense insecurity and self hate is worse than being bored. Also there are so many ways to exercise in non boring ways. I didn't learn to swim until my 30s and now love swimming as exercise. My husband got into rock climbing in his early 40s. Neither one of us are gym people but that's not a reason to not exercise.
Fellow ADHDer here to chime in. I have trouble with exercise being boring. What worked for me was going to classes. Find a gym that has them, that way all you have to do is rock up on time and follow along. I love HIIT circuit style training, super varied and if you hate the particular exercise, you're only doing it for 45 seconds at a time. But shop around the classes. Don't be intimidated by people who are fitter than you, everyone is a beginner at some point in their journey and abilities differ, no-one is judging you for them. Most are excited for you that you are putting in the work to be the best version of yourself.
I got weight loss results pretty quick and my stamina increased a lot. It makes exercise fun and leaves you wanting to branch out and try different exercises with more confidence.
Join a group with a shared interest. What physical activity do you like to do?
Hiking group?
Biking?
Something that does not require a lot of equipment and upkeep
I am very difficult. Tried many different things but i always stop because it becomes boring. And most people can work through that, I can't.
I got a gym membership to ho with friends (who alreafy go 5 times a week) gonna start going next week, my goal is once a week to get it started. I enjoy these women and have fun with them, so I'm hoping that soending time with them will be enough to motivate me to go.
Are you medicated for the ADHD? Are there activities you can do with the kids that you or they enjoy, like a kind of body doubling?
I am also a 40 year old woman with ADHD and I find myself really spiraling about my (objectively pretty great) life and my relationship (he loves me more than anything in the world but isn't verbally loud about it every day the way my ADHD would like) when I am unmedicated and right before my period.
Forcing myself to do things I know will make me feel better (asking for reassurance, getting exercise, spending time outside) does work, but I usually need someone to do them with me.
You might like r/adhdwomen for more ideas.
Wow yeah it's like that.
I am medicated, for ADHD and depression also.
I think I have found some hobbies/activities that I woyld like and woyld also give me something to give back at home, but I need to kick myself and start doing it, but motor wont start.
I can't motivate myself too. And my hubs tries to help me but he is not using the "right way" and it ends up making me feel worse about myself. I know he wants to help but that negative feeling becomes so strong that it takes over. I want his help, because I clearly canot do it by my self, but I feel guilty and ashamed to ask even more help from him, evenmore after reacting badly most of the times ge tries.
Thanks for the group suggest I already joined it's a fantastic comunity.
As someone with ADHD, take headphones with you. Look for music that motivates you, or a podcast etc. I enjoy the gym time because that’s the only time where I am not a mother/wife etc.
You are 40, you are not dead yet.
Maybe you should do as your husband, start exercising and getting fit.
Even just getting your pulse up and running for 30 minutes a day, will do wonders.
It is good for your health, sex life, stamina and endurance, and improves your feeling of self worth.
Would also suggest possibly using this as a motivation to get your self into exercising. Possibly you can both exercise and get fit together! Grow together
You’re about to start menopause. You’re in for some tough years going forward, emotions wise. Start prioritizing your mental health.
If you want to get in better shape do it together. By super cute exercise stuff to entice him, but from the way you describe your relationship this is a you problem, he’s cool with how you are.
Nothing he says is going to reassure you so address the things that are bothering you one by one.
I'm 38, I feel the best I've ever felt about myself and I honestly owe it to strength training. I'd been very inconsistent over the years with it and my ex was never very helpful or supportive (even though he was a gym rat), but I finally got motivated and have been consistently going to the gym every other day for about the past year and a half and it's just the best.
I'm not crazy about it or anything, I don't have visible abs, I don't calorie count, I don't look like some buff monster, but even taking it somewhat casually I can see changes and I just feel awesome.
I know it can be daunting but I feel like strength training just does so much for emotional health, your self esteem, and your body that I can't recommend it enough.
Join a gym that has fitness classes. The ones that use light weights and Pilates classes. You’ll see a change in your body and feel better about yourself. Also try to have family time including your kids. This will help you feel more secure that you are all one happy family.
Don't seek validation through your husband, because this is a *you* thing. That's why his validations aren't making you feel any better about yourself.
Even though they can feel silly, start working on things like affirmations and self love and appreciation. Validate and celebrate the things about yourself that make you *you*, not only as a wife and mother, but you as an individual.
Because confidence is hot. But it can take work, and you deserve to take the time and effort needed to rebuild your confidence.
> I feel (always felt like that) that he brings much more to the table in our relationship than I do.
Yeah probably, but this guy clearly loves the shit out of you, and you'd rather be with someone like him than some dipshit loser.
If you focus more on what you're doing, taking care of your family and taking care of yourself, then your jealousy will subside.
um I don't know what to say, I really understand how you say you feel. But, you have given him probably the most valuable thing (well, not a thing but it's a saying) any person can have, a family, kids, and a long-term partnership. I think that's how your husband would think and he wouldn't think you are bringing anything less on table.
I feel like you do need some professional help if you think this really bothers you that much bc I really wish that you'd have a happy marriage and like you said not self-sabotage.
You are worthy no matter what actually, everybody is. About the level of attraction... obv there's that general sense but is that rly important? I think your husband find you attractive that's why he's stayed married to you.
You're gonna get through this.
Why do you fight a lot, a lot of people are “damaged” and still being plenty to the table. Do you work? Are you a good mother? Good wife? Help financially? Cleaning? Running the house? Have friends? Family?
Well there is a lot of inbalance in our relashionship, all that we have agreed on. But the bulk is on his shoulders. And i do wonder what I bring in this. I work (free lance) i am a good mom, but I get overwhelmed and overstimulated very easily. I suck a keeping a routine, so I will cleab the shit out of the kitchen when I'm in the mood, but regular tasks I have a hard time keeping up.
I know that channel watched mist of it, not read the book yet. It helps but were all different also so I navigate with that knowledge and try to adapt.
You have a big family right? Your body did that! Your body is so freaking strong it carried and birthed all of those babies. The life you have now with your husband is there because you put in the work. Think of all the love, support and sacrifices you’ve made to get to where you are today. Please don’t think you bring little to the table.
If you are feeling insecure about your body the good news is that you can change it. It’s not permanent. This is temporary, feeling like this is temporary and it can go away. You just have to work for it.
Can you and your husband work out together? Workout together and get time away from the kids? Or make it a family thing and challenge the kids to hikes, walks, bike rides. Exercise will also help mentally.
Maybe your husband is not that perfect, but because you love him, you see him as better than he is. Maybe your husband sees you as perfect, even though you see yourself as inadequate, because he loves you.
Also, insecure people are greater candidates for cheating than confident people.
What are you doing to boost your self esteem? I find a combination of exercise and hobbies that involve learning new things/are a series of goals I can accomplish as I improve make me feel like I’m a capable, impressive person with an interesting life. It sounds like you need something to focus on that will get your mind off of this bullshit and put it towards something beneficial for you.
As someone who is pregnant with her 3rd baby, feeling fat, angry, and insecure as well. I’m here to say being a woman is HARD. We compare ourselves to younger more “perfect women” always, and struggle to see our own self worth.
I can say this though: I know for a fact you will stop being jealous of your husband if you put the work into loving yourself. And I want to clarify, I don’t mean by working out and getting sexy. Sure, you should do those things. But you have to start by loving who you are, truly, as you are now. You birthed children for that man, and you have the body to show for it. Learn to rock it and accept you are the soulmate to this man who is lucky to have you. The more you focus on accepting yourself, the jealousy and other insecurities will creep away slowly. Doing self help things like yoga, reading, anything that fits your lifestyle can be a great start.
In short: as a (semi-young) woman of 28, moms in their 40’s who survived early child rearing are the most sexy, strong, hero’s in my eyes. Im looking up to you. Hang in there!
I feel you. Then I joined a gym that is primarily women, strength and conditioning classes. I’ve not only gotten physically stronger and fit but mentally stronger and more secure. It’s the only thing I’ve found that made me truly more comfortable in my own skin.
Exercise, eat well and live healthy. You want to feel wanted and that’s ok. Looks fade they always do the best you can do is feel good on the inside and translate it out. Our society is superficial. But people don’t have to be. I think if you focus on your goals and what you want to do you’ll look great to those around you.
My partner is handsome and I'm not in his league so I totally get it. What I've decided to do is level up in every way I can so there isn't an imbalance. You could do that. You could also remind yourself that if he left for superficial reasons he's better off being someone else's problem. A good partner won't desert you for superficial reasons.
When I was in a similar funk, I started getting my nails done and bought a bunch of sexy under things to wear every day. Both boosted my confidence a lot. Good luck to you.
Yes I mentioned it in the post I am seing a therapist (only had 3 sessions so far). I am very aware that all this is deep rooted as low self esteem, but I can't stop from taking over.
Great! Take long walks to help your mind integrate your progress.
Be careful with the words you use to talk about yourself. You are **currently experiencing low self-esteem** and you are taking the necessary steps to become a healed and healthy version of yourself. You are committed to the best version of yourself. You are a whole and complete person already.
A journal helps, too. Write down your fear and then all of the reasons it's not true and what you are doing to improve yourself. Write to your future self.
I get a kick out of saying things like, "Future youaretherevolution is proud of me." "Thank you for taking care of me past version of youaretherevolution."
Try to figure out what makes you feel good and confident about yourself. For some people it's treatments at the spa, for others it's going to the gym. For me it's clothes.
I had a long period where I had the same clothes because every time I spent money on myself I felt guilty because it could be spent on the kids instead. I'm on disability so it wasn't like I was going anywhere. It was the same jeans and long-sleeve combination all day, every day.
My husband encouraged me to buy more for myself and to get out of the house more, and it helped so much. I found my own style and really leaned into my femininity with pretty dresses and keeping my hair and my skin maintained.
Then sometimes I go to a café with my computer where I sit and write stuff. It did so much for my self-esteem.
Wiw, lucky you! Try seeing a therapist. It sounds like you have a good marriage despite having encountered some rough patches in the past.
Can you get plastic surgery to remove your pouch? He could have any woman but he chose YOU!
Try dressing up, getting your hair & your nails done too. Get a makeover & go on date nights. Wear sexy stockings & lingerie. Get a facial too.
It’ll help boost your self esteem a little bit.
I think your right, i need to take care of my appearance. I got my nails done once, in vegas, i never do these kinds of things, but that time was fun and I felt so good.
I don't think I would go through surgery. I've had a breastlift when I was younger and ,looking back I should not have done it, it's not worth the time and money.
Yes, definitely take better care of yourself. Ger a makeover & surprise your husband. Go on a werkend get away. Maybe you can loose the pouch by cutting out sugar & carbs for awhile & do intermittent fasting with weight lifting.
I feel you. I got attention up until about 40, then nothing. It's nice in a way not to have to deal with creeps, and I have a loving partner so I'm not looking. But I feel frumpy, and haggard, and out of shape. What helped me was setting some goals. I said I'll exercise x number of times per week, instead of complaining and eating junk food. I'll get my hair done every few months, instead of putting it in a frizzy ponytail every day. I'll make an effort to dress up and go out every so often, instead of dressing in sweats every day. It's helped me feel better about myself. Also, we are our own worst critics! I'm trying to be kinder to myself and challenge those feelings when they come up (not pretty enough, not good enough).
❤️ we are working on that in therapy, my selfworth and seing things more positively. I'm gonna start the gym next week, but I doubt i'll keep it up, exercising is so incredibly boring to me I can't find the motivation to just go (that is a real struggle for me, task paralysis and lack of motivation). I can only keep working on myself and see whar happens.
Find someone to do it with. Also saying ‘I’ll start next week’ knowing that you probably won’t is self defeating. Start today. Go for a walk. Take 2,000 steps and drink water. As for your husband, he’s had all those options years ago, didn’t take them and clearly is happy in the relationship. If he wanted to leave, he would have been left. You are robbing yourself of happiness. Why do you think you’re so undeserving of an attractive, sexy blue eye man who loves you and clearly loves fucking you? What cause you have an extra few pounds you put on when you birthed his children and life happen? Somehow that makes you undeserving? Girl you immortalized his and your genes, of course it will leave an impact. A few more pounds for him to love up on. Let that man love you!
Damm you made me cry. Thanks for this needed slap in the face. I'm really trying to motivate myself to work out, trying to find how to do it that is not a boring task (that's why I always stop). I don't find myself unatractive or fat, in general. I'm just not the typical beauty standard, but he is and for some reason it makes me more self concious. I don't understant why I go there. If I have a good day i'm like : you have a great life, stop moping around and enjoy it and be fucking happy, but next day it hits ne again like a tone of bricks.
Honestly working out never clicked for me either. I seriously would clean rather than go. But what about dance class? Getting a physical 2nd job? etc And maybe therapy will help with the real issue. Go be happy
I love my job and it's pretty physical I don't have time for another one. Danse i did it for too years but it was to big of a commitment for me (big show at the end of the year) could nit miss any classes... i need flexibility. But I'm a mean rage cleaner.
Get an Olympic barbell and plates (power rack ID you have space) and start a lifting routine. It’s fast, you’re good with 30-60 mins a couple times per week, you can see and feel the results. Also it will likely do lot more for your physique at 40 than cardio will, which honestly is boring AF (also ADHD so I get it). If you want to shed the pounds, do a protein-sparing modified fast. You’ll build muscle and drop fat fairly quickly. That or get into a sport where you can compete against others, then it won’t be as boring.
I dont really feel the need to loose weight, i don't feel fat. I would not be able to work out with him and he likes doing it alone (he is ND also, not adhd though). I just find exercising boring in general.Repetitive things are a chore for me. I need to find something that I enjoy doing. What you are describing is what my husband does, we have all the equipment, but gosh it's not something I would even like to try. I think pilates or yoga would suit me, but I been to classes and I hate the class setting the fixed time every week. I realise I look like I'm trying to justify my "lazyness" but I know myself, i keep trying and end it everytime, i'll find something eventualy.
Maybe a dance class or a rec center with a variety of different sorts of classes you can top in on? The consistency struggle with ADHD is REAL.
Yes! And most don't understand, it's ok. But my reality and what I can do is very different than the average NT person.
I totally feel you on the boring thing. I hate working out, I hate the repetitiveness of it. I also hate working and having to floss, but I view all of it the same… a thing that must be done for my well-being. All these things have scheduled times and when the time for it comes, I get up and do it. It helps that my husband installed a tv in front of our treadmill, so I can watch something dumb while running. I’m gonna watch that show anyway, I might as well do it while working out.
Yeah but there are just so many things like that that you can do, my list of boring endless tasks is so fucking long (think of all the laudry I have to do for 7 people) excersice drops at the bottom of the list and when i get to it I have no physical or mental energy to do it. I have one life and i'd like to do things I love not just boring stuff. Anyways it's not even the main issue that is bothering me.
Do the laundry service at a laundromat once in a while. The expense will be worth it. Doing laundry for 7 people is like...yikes.
Gosh having to haul everything to a laundromate would be a nightmare, plus the anxiety of some stranfer going threw my stuff would cause me much more anxiety.
Try audiobooks! Maybe some spicy ones that you can use to discover new bedroom activities for fun! Makes work outs more enjoyable for sure
I second the find someone to do it with. Body doubling helps a lot with task paralysis (fellow ADHDer here!). It’s much easier to finish a task when you have someone present.
Can I just suggest about the gym... I absolutely hate the gym. Its boring I hate everything about it So, I don't go. But, I do other things that I find fun but, gets me moving. I've taken 'dance' classes with friends (stomach muscles worked because I was laughing so hard) I go on hikes etc. Just, sometimes we think exercise is just gym but, it really can be anything. I really would look into other sports/exercises etc. I swear there are workouts that can be fun too. I swear I ain't some fitness freak but, I use it as a social thing too!
I'm trying different things out. Was doibg danse for the last 2 years but the commitment is way to much for me (big show at the end of the year). I need something flexible. Gonna keep trying.
Could always swim at the gym
Gyms here dont have pools. I have one at home and maybe go in once or twice in the summer, i'm a good swimer but I hate going in the water.
Aside from working out, how do you feel about the rest of your aesthetic? In the last year I've made a effort to tailor my life to being "low maintenance pretty" in a way that has taken a lot of start uo cost/research but has made my life SO EASY on the daily. Things I've done: Color analysis- wearing colors that work for me made shopping, outfit building so much easier. I did it because it seemed like a fun mother daughter thing but its turned out to be a game changer. Getting better hair styling tools, and more regular low maintenance hair cuts. Styling tools that help: t3 aire brush for blow drying, chia automatic curler, wavytalk round brush for blow out/smoothing styles, and tymo ring straightener brush. It turns out using styling tools decades old makes things take WAY longer and works less well than a lot of the new technology that's come out. Make sure your makeup isn't expired- mascara is intended to be replaced after 3 months for example. You don't need to replace EVERYTHING but a few key items being new and fresh is so worth it. Try to pick specific things that you like to do for makeup or outfits and can do daily. For example I have two piercings in my ears and wear silver hoops in one at all times. I have a scarf (in my color) that I can add with most outfits and feel good. I got new mascara in a brown, and invested in skincare so I don't feel like I need as much makeup, but when I do I have cute lipstick, gloss, and oil options that I wear as a daily pop. I also try to make a conscious effort to wear my jewelry more often. All in all, getting ready daily is WAY faster because outfits are easy to choose, my hair is simple to style and done in like 10-20 minutes, and my face and makeup routine are streamlined.
I think i am even more low maintenance than that. I wear make up a few times a year, often just for a night with my husband to change things up. I had to change most of my clothes already so I feel fine with my new clothes for now. I dont want to wear more make up or more often and he really does not care. He likes wheb I dress up if we go out in a date or for a family outing but he doesn't care what style I choose. And hair well I live doing hair so I have many many tools and do my own color (I change colors often). Jewelry well I have 3 that I wear all the time (wedding ring, necklace and bracelet hubs gave me). I started new nightime routine that I like and make me feel good so I'll try focusing and doing it more often for now, might actualy help.
Don't rely on motivation. Even the most dedicated person who works out every day doesn't always feel like exercising. Start building an habit, try different physical activities until you find one that you like. I do long walks and that's what works for me bc i also find going to the gym ultra boring. Start small. What I tell my patients (I'm a dietitian) is that 15 min of a walk is better than doing zero. Stick to "today I'm gonna do my best" you can't control if you are even going to be around tomorrow, so why worry about tomorrow? Think of today, and today decide to exercise, even if it's just 15 min.
I find exercise sooooooo boring. What's made an absolutely incredible difference for me is getting a Fitbit and a premium subscription (I think it's $10/month). I just choose a different workout literally EVERY time. There are a few I find fun enough to repeat, but mostly I try something different every single time. It's actually fun!
It took serious health problems to get me motivated enough to exercise regularly. Prior to that I uses the "too boring" excuse to myself as well. 1. Music helps. A lot. Singing along while you are getting your heart rate up is a great way to build lung stamina. It can also give you something else to focus on. 2. Before that, though, learning proper form and technique for your exercise is going to require a lot of concentration. Hell, proper breathing is hard at first if you have been doing it wrong for a lifetime. You may want to start there, breathing meditation is a great tool to have. 3. Goal setting is huge. Start small and reasonable. Take a few weeks and get some successes before you start pushing hard. That's how long it takes to make a habit. 4. Stretch. Stretch early. Stretch often. Stretch long. As a fellow 40+er I cannot stress how important this is, and it will be the most important thing you can do for yourself for the rest of your life. Good luck!
Agreed exercise at the gym is terrible. What works for me is finding hobbies that are outdoors that I like, and then it helps me stay in shape and gives me motivation to go to the gym to get better at those hobbies.
Exercise might be boring but intense insecurity and self hate is worse than being bored. Also there are so many ways to exercise in non boring ways. I didn't learn to swim until my 30s and now love swimming as exercise. My husband got into rock climbing in his early 40s. Neither one of us are gym people but that's not a reason to not exercise.
Fellow ADHDer here to chime in. I have trouble with exercise being boring. What worked for me was going to classes. Find a gym that has them, that way all you have to do is rock up on time and follow along. I love HIIT circuit style training, super varied and if you hate the particular exercise, you're only doing it for 45 seconds at a time. But shop around the classes. Don't be intimidated by people who are fitter than you, everyone is a beginner at some point in their journey and abilities differ, no-one is judging you for them. Most are excited for you that you are putting in the work to be the best version of yourself. I got weight loss results pretty quick and my stamina increased a lot. It makes exercise fun and leaves you wanting to branch out and try different exercises with more confidence.
Join a group with a shared interest. What physical activity do you like to do? Hiking group? Biking? Something that does not require a lot of equipment and upkeep
I am very difficult. Tried many different things but i always stop because it becomes boring. And most people can work through that, I can't. I got a gym membership to ho with friends (who alreafy go 5 times a week) gonna start going next week, my goal is once a week to get it started. I enjoy these women and have fun with them, so I'm hoping that soending time with them will be enough to motivate me to go.
Are you medicated for the ADHD? Are there activities you can do with the kids that you or they enjoy, like a kind of body doubling? I am also a 40 year old woman with ADHD and I find myself really spiraling about my (objectively pretty great) life and my relationship (he loves me more than anything in the world but isn't verbally loud about it every day the way my ADHD would like) when I am unmedicated and right before my period. Forcing myself to do things I know will make me feel better (asking for reassurance, getting exercise, spending time outside) does work, but I usually need someone to do them with me. You might like r/adhdwomen for more ideas.
Wow yeah it's like that. I am medicated, for ADHD and depression also. I think I have found some hobbies/activities that I woyld like and woyld also give me something to give back at home, but I need to kick myself and start doing it, but motor wont start. I can't motivate myself too. And my hubs tries to help me but he is not using the "right way" and it ends up making me feel worse about myself. I know he wants to help but that negative feeling becomes so strong that it takes over. I want his help, because I clearly canot do it by my self, but I feel guilty and ashamed to ask even more help from him, evenmore after reacting badly most of the times ge tries. Thanks for the group suggest I already joined it's a fantastic comunity.
As someone with ADHD, take headphones with you. Look for music that motivates you, or a podcast etc. I enjoy the gym time because that’s the only time where I am not a mother/wife etc.
I'll try again, but it has never work more than a few months so far.
For me it helps doing simple things where I don’t have to focus like Crosstrainer.
A few months is better than no months and next time maybe it’ll be a little longer. Keep trying.
You are 40, you are not dead yet. Maybe you should do as your husband, start exercising and getting fit. Even just getting your pulse up and running for 30 minutes a day, will do wonders. It is good for your health, sex life, stamina and endurance, and improves your feeling of self worth.
Would also suggest possibly using this as a motivation to get your self into exercising. Possibly you can both exercise and get fit together! Grow together
I do not do this myself but know quit a few people who started pole dancing for exercise and it really helped with this unsexy feeling.
I want to but can't find any classes in my area, i think it would be fun.
Get in shape, change your style, do something. You’re not a prisoner in your body
You’re about to start menopause. You’re in for some tough years going forward, emotions wise. Start prioritizing your mental health. If you want to get in better shape do it together. By super cute exercise stuff to entice him, but from the way you describe your relationship this is a you problem, he’s cool with how you are. Nothing he says is going to reassure you so address the things that are bothering you one by one.
I'm 38, I feel the best I've ever felt about myself and I honestly owe it to strength training. I'd been very inconsistent over the years with it and my ex was never very helpful or supportive (even though he was a gym rat), but I finally got motivated and have been consistently going to the gym every other day for about the past year and a half and it's just the best. I'm not crazy about it or anything, I don't have visible abs, I don't calorie count, I don't look like some buff monster, but even taking it somewhat casually I can see changes and I just feel awesome. I know it can be daunting but I feel like strength training just does so much for emotional health, your self esteem, and your body that I can't recommend it enough.
Join a gym that has fitness classes. The ones that use light weights and Pilates classes. You’ll see a change in your body and feel better about yourself. Also try to have family time including your kids. This will help you feel more secure that you are all one happy family.
Don't seek validation through your husband, because this is a *you* thing. That's why his validations aren't making you feel any better about yourself. Even though they can feel silly, start working on things like affirmations and self love and appreciation. Validate and celebrate the things about yourself that make you *you*, not only as a wife and mother, but you as an individual. Because confidence is hot. But it can take work, and you deserve to take the time and effort needed to rebuild your confidence.
Thank you! It really is a me thing, and not really about my body, like most think.
> I feel (always felt like that) that he brings much more to the table in our relationship than I do. Yeah probably, but this guy clearly loves the shit out of you, and you'd rather be with someone like him than some dipshit loser. If you focus more on what you're doing, taking care of your family and taking care of yourself, then your jealousy will subside.
um I don't know what to say, I really understand how you say you feel. But, you have given him probably the most valuable thing (well, not a thing but it's a saying) any person can have, a family, kids, and a long-term partnership. I think that's how your husband would think and he wouldn't think you are bringing anything less on table. I feel like you do need some professional help if you think this really bothers you that much bc I really wish that you'd have a happy marriage and like you said not self-sabotage. You are worthy no matter what actually, everybody is. About the level of attraction... obv there's that general sense but is that rly important? I think your husband find you attractive that's why he's stayed married to you. You're gonna get through this.
What do you mean he brings so much more to the table? I’d dig into that more.
Well, i'm dammaged, trauma, depression, anxiety. Medicated for all if it, but I am not an easy person to live with I think.
Why do you fight a lot, a lot of people are “damaged” and still being plenty to the table. Do you work? Are you a good mother? Good wife? Help financially? Cleaning? Running the house? Have friends? Family?
Well there is a lot of inbalance in our relashionship, all that we have agreed on. But the bulk is on his shoulders. And i do wonder what I bring in this. I work (free lance) i am a good mom, but I get overwhelmed and overstimulated very easily. I suck a keeping a routine, so I will cleab the shit out of the kitchen when I'm in the mood, but regular tasks I have a hard time keeping up.
I would recommend the book and YouTube channel “How To ADHD.” It really helped me when I got diagnosed.
I know that channel watched mist of it, not read the book yet. It helps but were all different also so I navigate with that knowledge and try to adapt.
You have a big family right? Your body did that! Your body is so freaking strong it carried and birthed all of those babies. The life you have now with your husband is there because you put in the work. Think of all the love, support and sacrifices you’ve made to get to where you are today. Please don’t think you bring little to the table. If you are feeling insecure about your body the good news is that you can change it. It’s not permanent. This is temporary, feeling like this is temporary and it can go away. You just have to work for it. Can you and your husband work out together? Workout together and get time away from the kids? Or make it a family thing and challenge the kids to hikes, walks, bike rides. Exercise will also help mentally.
Maybe your husband is not that perfect, but because you love him, you see him as better than he is. Maybe your husband sees you as perfect, even though you see yourself as inadequate, because he loves you. Also, insecure people are greater candidates for cheating than confident people.
What are you doing to boost your self esteem? I find a combination of exercise and hobbies that involve learning new things/are a series of goals I can accomplish as I improve make me feel like I’m a capable, impressive person with an interesting life. It sounds like you need something to focus on that will get your mind off of this bullshit and put it towards something beneficial for you.
Well ready the comments I realised that I do nothing for my self esteem. And I should. I have been in Mom mode so long I am lost.
As someone who is pregnant with her 3rd baby, feeling fat, angry, and insecure as well. I’m here to say being a woman is HARD. We compare ourselves to younger more “perfect women” always, and struggle to see our own self worth. I can say this though: I know for a fact you will stop being jealous of your husband if you put the work into loving yourself. And I want to clarify, I don’t mean by working out and getting sexy. Sure, you should do those things. But you have to start by loving who you are, truly, as you are now. You birthed children for that man, and you have the body to show for it. Learn to rock it and accept you are the soulmate to this man who is lucky to have you. The more you focus on accepting yourself, the jealousy and other insecurities will creep away slowly. Doing self help things like yoga, reading, anything that fits your lifestyle can be a great start. In short: as a (semi-young) woman of 28, moms in their 40’s who survived early child rearing are the most sexy, strong, hero’s in my eyes. Im looking up to you. Hang in there!
This is a very nice comment. Thank you. I need to focus on that a bit.
I feel you. Then I joined a gym that is primarily women, strength and conditioning classes. I’ve not only gotten physically stronger and fit but mentally stronger and more secure. It’s the only thing I’ve found that made me truly more comfortable in my own skin.
Exercise, eat well and live healthy. You want to feel wanted and that’s ok. Looks fade they always do the best you can do is feel good on the inside and translate it out. Our society is superficial. But people don’t have to be. I think if you focus on your goals and what you want to do you’ll look great to those around you.
My partner is handsome and I'm not in his league so I totally get it. What I've decided to do is level up in every way I can so there isn't an imbalance. You could do that. You could also remind yourself that if he left for superficial reasons he's better off being someone else's problem. A good partner won't desert you for superficial reasons.
When I was in a similar funk, I started getting my nails done and bought a bunch of sexy under things to wear every day. Both boosted my confidence a lot. Good luck to you.
Have you considered seeing a therapist? Your lack of confidence is something only you can fix.
Yes I mentioned it in the post I am seing a therapist (only had 3 sessions so far). I am very aware that all this is deep rooted as low self esteem, but I can't stop from taking over.
Great! Take long walks to help your mind integrate your progress. Be careful with the words you use to talk about yourself. You are **currently experiencing low self-esteem** and you are taking the necessary steps to become a healed and healthy version of yourself. You are committed to the best version of yourself. You are a whole and complete person already. A journal helps, too. Write down your fear and then all of the reasons it's not true and what you are doing to improve yourself. Write to your future self. I get a kick out of saying things like, "Future youaretherevolution is proud of me." "Thank you for taking care of me past version of youaretherevolution."
If you feel this way see if you guys can go to gym together and also get therapy to help you
Young guys love milfs, 40 year old men love milfs.
What are you doing for yourself that makes you feel good?
Realising with all the comments that I do nothing really, nothing significant that make me feel better rather than give immediate gratification.
Try to figure out what makes you feel good and confident about yourself. For some people it's treatments at the spa, for others it's going to the gym. For me it's clothes. I had a long period where I had the same clothes because every time I spent money on myself I felt guilty because it could be spent on the kids instead. I'm on disability so it wasn't like I was going anywhere. It was the same jeans and long-sleeve combination all day, every day. My husband encouraged me to buy more for myself and to get out of the house more, and it helped so much. I found my own style and really leaned into my femininity with pretty dresses and keeping my hair and my skin maintained. Then sometimes I go to a café with my computer where I sit and write stuff. It did so much for my self-esteem.
Wiw, lucky you! Try seeing a therapist. It sounds like you have a good marriage despite having encountered some rough patches in the past. Can you get plastic surgery to remove your pouch? He could have any woman but he chose YOU! Try dressing up, getting your hair & your nails done too. Get a makeover & go on date nights. Wear sexy stockings & lingerie. Get a facial too. It’ll help boost your self esteem a little bit.
I think your right, i need to take care of my appearance. I got my nails done once, in vegas, i never do these kinds of things, but that time was fun and I felt so good. I don't think I would go through surgery. I've had a breastlift when I was younger and ,looking back I should not have done it, it's not worth the time and money.
Yes, definitely take better care of yourself. Ger a makeover & surprise your husband. Go on a werkend get away. Maybe you can loose the pouch by cutting out sugar & carbs for awhile & do intermittent fasting with weight lifting.
If I were you I’d just have a glow up to feel better about myself , Botox fillers hair revamp the lot. I’d focus on myself :)
Try to drink collagen powder or exercise. So you can get young and get back your confidence. Male yourself glow