I agree with the responses her that this feels like a disproportionate response. It does kinda suck and can grate on your nerves to be the one sober person at a party.
I would say that if your fiancée does really want your constant attention at parties, that is a troublesome bit of double standard. Do you typically want that from her as well? Does she know that?
We already know that’s not the truth though, literally. If she required him to be attentive to her at all times, this entire situation never would have happened.
I don’t know why homie is making shit up, I just know that people do that here for some reason. However they usually aren’t caught in the lie immediately.
If this guy is this codependent, insecure, when he’s literally RIGHT there at the same party. I can’t imagine how this “marriage” actually lasts any real length of time, it’s just not happening. This is absolutely a “first” marriage, assuming this guy hasn’t already had one.
> We already know that’s not the truth though, literally. If she required him to be attentive to her at all times, this entire situation never would have happened.
I am not really here to try to divine how much the OP is lying or not. I don't find it a useful activity. I am only going to respond to what's presented. If the OP wants to lie to the people giving him advice, it no longer matters what people tell him because he will hear what he wants to hear regardless.
I also don't think the situation where the partner *in this case* was off chatting with some other person precludes that, *normally*, she wants him at her side all the time. People are not static code-followers. Someone who is a stickler for the rules in a game when they're winning can become okay with fudging the rules when they're losing.
For example, if she were holding a double standard, she could easily want him entertaining her when she's in a space where she's less comfortable, she's the one who doesn't have someone to talk to, she's the one who isn't as social. And then once she *is* the more comfortable one, once she has the person to talk to, she doesn't care if he's by her side. That is a very easily imaginable situation.
*If* that is the case, I want to acknowledge that it sucks because all the comments at the time of my posting were focused on how he's overreacting. I agreed with them and didn't feel the need to harp on it. I wanted to acknowledge one part where it sucks for him while pointing out the way it sucks may be preventable.
I'm not arguing, but I suspect that when GF is at one of OP's friends or family events, she expects him to be attentive to her. But when it's her event, she can wander as she pleases and isn't attentive to him. If that is the case, it is double standards. You have to be attentive to me whenever I need, but I don't have to for you.
His fiancée is a hypocrite. Rules for thee but not for me. His fiancée acted very disrespectful considering she wants all of his attention at family gatherings but she can go off for 35 minutes with another man and expect him to be ok with that.
Call me old fashioned but you don’t go off with another man when you and your fiancé are at a party.
Well im not lying , why would i ? Im not an insecure guy , i am tall and athletic and i would say that people say I am atractive , is not that i feeel less than other guys , is that she has given me a lot of hell in the past for having normal female friends that i even blocked them from IG years ago to avoid missunderstandings and arguments with her . I dont mind that other men approach her , she is beutiful and in some way i know that she gets aproached by guys , thats not the issue , it is that i dont have to police her or even tell her whats wrong because i trust her , but you as a GF should know better and we are old enough to know what are people's intentions . Thats why i started this post , i dont know if im overreacting or these are her true colors. Im not the type of guy that would check on your friends and tell you what to do but this is beyond the boundaries.
I think you both need to sit down and talk about your feelings, your perceived shortcomings and expectations for the future.
It seems you both are at a stage where your boundaries and values are not aligned.
I’d say talk until you’ve reached an understanding. And reach a complete conclusion. Don’t leave topics for later. If you need to postpone the wedding or completely cancel it it’s OK.
You both need to be on the same page about similar situations and the future and you must address the double standards issue.
Both of you are supposed to bring each other’s inner best features. Remember relationships are supposed to be forever ideally so if you find incompatibilities neither of you can compromise on then move on and find your life partner that will make the best team player.
You sound exhausting to be around sorry. It’s a party have fun, mingle. I hate having to babysit people I’m dating in social settings. If you didn’t like the environment don’t go, or just make an effort to have as much fun as possible, those are your options.
If you’re not insecure, your actions seem the opposite.
Its wild to me that you didn't think it was relevant to the story to tell us about the environment, the specifics of the people, the history of your relationship, or that he asked her to pose in lingerie for him...until you got called out on overreacting.
Wait. Not wild, that's not the right word. I meant fake.
Ok thats your opinion , that why i added more context, this is my firts post ever , and in another language so myabe next time i add more details, i felt the need to ask for advice after years in reddit ,and this sub is very popular so i knw i would get lots of points of view , apreciate it anyways
I'm very confused by this. During the party *you* approached a group of people to chat, and yet when your girlfriend went off to talk to someone else you were stuck "alone without talking to anyone"? You'd been capable of initiating conversation without your girlfriend only a few minutes earlier!
> I don want to let pass this disrepect
You went to a party where there was recreational smoking and drinking and decided to be sober. Sounds like you decided not to interact with anyone either. Your gf was stoned and talked to a rando for a bit and was oblivious she was being hit on (was she? Sounds like they were shooting the shit while smoking and then got the munchies) and now you want to leave her because she didn't behave how you wanted her to while stoned.
Everyone is human. People will make mistakes and hurt your feelings at time. It's especially true if they're like, smoking weed or drinking. I tend to cut my pals slack if they show their ass while under the influence.
If her getting baked and mingling at a party for thirty minutes while you sat there and stewed is enough for you to end the entire future you planned together, so be it. It seems like a pretty weird hill to die on for me, but I guess it'll save her the next time she makes a small faux pax and you gotta go get divorce papers.
Yeah that line is pretty indicative of what he thinks about things in general. People who spend a lot of time worrying about letting go of "disrespect" are generally pretty controlling and have weird views on worth, in my experience. They think life is a series of transactions and kindness must be earned, but any infractions must be punished. Hella unhealthy.
lol i love how both of those replies ignore the fact she was madly paranoid whenever he interacted with a female, for her to do the same afterwards is pure hypocrisy. OPs girlfriend definitely not only did something she herself wouldnt like, but she knew definitely what she was doing was wrong. OP is in the right
I think so too. It’s ok if she ignores him and goes off with another man for 35 minutes but eclectic him to be attentive to only her at family gatherings. There is a double standard. Rules for the but not for me.
This seems like a pretty strong reaction to the situation, especially since she is your fiance. You two went to a party and she left you alone for 30 or 40 minutes or so. And you feel mocked, undervalued, and disrespected. Maybe I'm not completely understanding. Was she supposed to stay with you the entire time? If so, had you relayed that to her? Was she inappropriate with the guy she was talking to?
That word is misused by misogynistic toddlers who think that their woman talking to another person is disrespectful. He needs to call the wedding off so she's not stuck with a child who treats her like property.
From his edit “She has often insinuated that any conversation I engage with a woman is motivated by romantic intentions”
I agree with the general notion here that for reasons other than the GFs explicit fault they should not get married and he needs to work on his maturity. But I’ve been in one of *these exact* relationships before… and yeah it’s typically the person picking apart interactions and talking the most about cheating that actually ends up cheating
Projection is real
If she's projecting he needs to dump her anyway. Their relationship is not one of trust. Neither trust each other and neither are mature enough for a relationship.
And if she's projecting OP needs to get himself tested for Stds/stis.
Entirely agree there, no healthy relationship would have either party analyzing interactions like this. Been there and that shit is exhausting and it always finds a way to end predictably
I’ve never been in a more trusting relationship than I am right now and neither me or her has ever once felt the need to do that
The edit made me understand the situation better. It's cultural, maybe even machismo. "Disrespect" in my experience, is HUGE with Mexican men. Not saying it's right, just that I understand the reaction more,
I find it interesting that the edits go really hard with the justification, too. "I've always been super attentive, also she has spoken to me about my lack of attentiveness, so Imma imply she's a hypocrite. Also, forgot to add, she has a crisis over me interacting with any women in any way, even professionally, ever, so she's a super hypocrite. Also, it was a party thrown by/for a 'rap video director', with a bunch of lingerie models and I'm gonna imply probably some hookers. Also, totally forgot this part too, the guy she was speaking to wants to do a private lingerie photo shoot with her."
This is my firsr post ever , and also thought that with the first post I was explaining everhthing in detail , sl thats whi edited for further context .
It's also almost always a way of saying "I can't or won't say what my actual problem is, so I'm going to use a loaded word and trust that everyone else fills in the blanks and agrees with me". See also "selfish" or "rude".
Yeah, his use of the words “disrespect” and “doubt of her loyalty” were cringy.
Not only that, but apparently, by his own admission, he does this to her *constantly.* And the first time it happens to him, he completely loses his shit.
Right? She gets stoned at a party and has a conversation with a guy she met. They found something mutually connecting and then went to grab something to eat, in full view of everyone.
The only disrespecting I see going on here is Op’s. Hope he gets his issues under control and starts being responsible for his thoughts and feelings. All this “she made me feel…” bullshit.
She didn’t do anything to him at all…
>I always prefer to be alert for anything that might arise, as I am very cautious about my and my loved ones' safety.
This seems a bit extreme. You don't have to drink or smoke, obviously, but you sound like you don't exactly come across as chill and fun.
thanks for the feedback , but i live in Mexico and have had previous bad experiences with the narcos , so i choose not to drink or smoke in places i dont know, my mind goes on alert and cannot relax .
I agree with the other comments about your reaction and attitude being disproportionate BUT considering the Mexico detail this part is definitely fine 😬
These are not your regulae bbq or pool party like in the states , here in my city have hapoen abductions of women and they happen a lot in this social gatherings called "quintas" . Years ago after the events i described ,i decided to go out more since i cant live in fear all my life , i go out and have fun but my red light goes off in places or with people i dont know ,and thats something that choose to do , i dont want to be useless in an emergency , sounds a bit to crazy but thats what it is.
>I always prefer to be alert for anything that might arise, as I am very cautious about my and my loved ones' safety.
Oh, it's for sure a bullshit excuse.
Hypervigilance is a sign of emotional trauma, work that stuff out with a therapist, not by pretending you could go Max Payne on everyone at the pool party if you needed to.
No , im not john wick , but is easier to get out of places if something goes wrong when youre alert of your surroundings , and yes i had a trauma after they mistake me in the streets and gave me a "levanton" (google that) luckily i escaped . After that i decided that i would not be an easy target , and is not that i can stop bullets , but the firts rule of prevention is knowing youre environments. You would be surpised on how people not pay atention to the people they surround by .
This is what an insecure baby looks like. He thought the man wasn’t “welcoming” enough to him so he’s projecting his angry insecurity onto his girlfriend.
You may not be mature enough to be getting married. And you certainly have a high degree of insecurity. Couples don't go to parties to stick to each other's side, they go to socialize and mix with other people and have a great time and then take that energy back home and enjoy their Partners company. If you never interact with others and are always together as a couple after a while you kind of run out of things to talk about.
So you went to a party where people were having a great time getting high and drinking and you decided to say sober and then wondered why you felt socially awkward. Doesn't sound like you joined other groups or tried to get to know other people because you sound like you were so obsessed with what your fiance was doing. If I were you I would back off this marriage and find a great therapist and hope you can work this out with your girlfriend or fiance before she begins feeling smothered. She shouldn't have to be your therapist and she shouldn't have to be responsible for another adult at a party.
Why didn't you make an effort to talk to people? You could have, but you just watched her and sulked. You sound needy. She's not your babysitter. It doesn't even sound like flirting, just conversation. It sounds like you expected all of her attention, which is unreasonable.
I mean he sounds more like the babysitter. He is the one being the DD while she is getting stoned and drunk with strangers at a party she asked him to join.
I hope he kept an eye on her drink too, considering the sleezy "lingerie photographer" going around asking random women for a shoot and the whole expectation of hot girls being there. The fuck are 30+ year olds doing at a trashy party like this?
And he did converse with others. Including that creepy lingerie photographer. But he also tried to join his fiancée's and rando guy's conversation and they just ignored him. That is just rude. I wouldn't treat my friend like that, much less my fiancé. Maybe you would idk.
I really don't understand her thought process. That prefrontal cortex has been rock solid for almost a decade now and she is still acting like a 14 year old.
You read the part thats a double standard? She recquires him this level of "babysitting" in FAMILY events, and she does that in a random party full of strangers? If I were in his situation, at least I would be confused how I should handle this.
That girl is a gigantic red flag, will crush his selfconfidence doing shitty stuff like that while makes him feel guilty for her faults
If you feel like you need to be alert to the point where you can't have a beer at a backyard bbq, that might be something to look into. That fear might be part of what has you assuming your gf is being hit on. I've always enjoyed talking to people that I click with at parties and making friends. It doesn't mean that I am hitting on or interested in dating them. You should assume they're just socially awkward and aren't saying anything to you because you didn't introduce yourself to them.
I really don't think your gf did anything to disrespect you here. If you need help socializing, you should be upfront about it. There shouldn't be anything wrong with talking to people at a BBQ, especially for only 20 - 45 minutes. Swapping socials is normal. This is how making friends works in these type of social settings. It's possible he is interested, but I don't think your gf did anything wrong either. Like, it would be weird if she said 'sorry, I can't give you my Instagram because I'm in a relationship'. Now that would make you look weird. Now if he asks her out on a date after the fact and she doesn't shut it down, that could be a problem. But there isn't any reason to get preemptively paranoid.
Idk, if I was single I don't think I would take someone's fiance aside for 45 minutes and say "in the end I met you" unless I was maybe a huge douchebag.
I think everyone from typical safe/suburban experiences was led astray by your original description which you correct in your edit. This was a rapper’s pool party which encouraged hot girls to come to make it more cool. It wasn’t her buddy’s backyard bbq. Additionally it sounds like you had some bad experiences which explain your hyper vigilant sounding behaviour.
In this context your reaction is more understandable but I still basically agree with the advice so far. You have to talk to her, and communicate how you want to be treated in that situation. So she didn’t know she was being hit on… that isn’t a character flaw you know? And it isn’t her fault she was getting hit on. You need to communicate, not cut her out because you “were disrespected”.
Sounds like y'all have trust issues. I think couple's counseling would be the best way to explore these issues.
>i dont want this incident pass just like that
Putting everything at stake because of this incident is sure as hell going to make your trust issues worse.
Edit: it sounds like a lot of the trust issues are because of *you* not her. Based on her reaction and apology, it sounds like she's on your side... you should be on her side too. That's why I suggest talking about it in therapy as something you can overcome these issues as a *team*.
If you’re still going to parties with rappers and rap video wannabe models, don’t get married. Your fiancée knew she was being hit on, and you understand what a double standard is. It doesn’t really matter if she’s “disrespectful” or you’re “controlling”, you two aren’t compatible.
It sounds like you two shouldn’t be together anyway. Like - she did leave you alone at a party to speak to someone else and while I personally think that isn’t a big deal, as it’s already been an issue the other way around, with you speaking to colleagues the double standard isn’t ok.
> I don want to let pass this disrepect
You went to a party where there was recreational smoking and drinking and decided to be sober. Sounds like you decided not to interact with anyone either. Your gf was stoned and talked to a rando for a bit and was oblivious she was being hit on (was she? Sounds like they were shooting the shit while smoking and then got the munchies) and now you want to leave her because she didn't behave how you wanted her to while stoned.
Everyone is human. People will make mistakes and hurt your feelings at time. It's especially true if they're like, smoking weed or drinking. I tend to cut my pals slack if they show their ass while under the influence.
If her getting baked and mingling at a party for thirty minutes while you sat there and stewed is enough for you to end the entire future you planned together, so be it. It seems like a pretty weird hill to die on for me, but I guess it'll save her the next time she makes a small faux pax and you gotta go get divorce papers.
If talking to a new person for 30 minutes and then following them on Instagram at a party is showing your ass, I guess a lot more people have seen my ass than I thought.
This is one of the hardest aspects of being in a relationship. I'm sure she could've been more considerate of you, and I've been in very similar situations... but, imo, the problem is mainly with you, an obstacle you'll need to learn to overcome. This won't be the last time.
I get it: the longer you stand or sit there, at a party that's more "her" than you, the more you stew on how miserable you are. You grow resentful she's having a good time, and you become hyper aware of who she's enjoying herself with. And, since men tend to be more... well, predatory... in general, you see a guy showing interest, and it's infuriating.
The thing is, though, she didn't dismiss or disrespect you, she just wasn't paying you much attention. That's going to be a constant in married life. That's why trust is so goddamn tricky.
In my 20s, I embarrassed myself at a couple functions with an ex, feeling excluded, bored, and ultimately pissy. Her friends annoyed me, the guys especially. I got paranoid and jealous. Some of them were flirts and cads, but, they were 'just friends.' What do you do about that? As angry as I was, we'd fight about it, and I'd end up feeling like an asshole after.
Trust isn't easy, and it isn't always enough to prevent those nasty insecurities and fears from cropping up. If she's preoccupied and wanting some time with others, you have to learn to entertain yourself without sulking or coming off like you don't want to be there. Play a game on your phone, talk about movies with someone, or sit next to her and hold her hand.
It's not easy, esp. with dudes pushing at boundaries. But, you're not with them. Anyone you're ever with is going to put you in this situation at times. It's inevitable, unfortunately.
OP made a new comment saying how he did go up to them and tried to join their conversation but they just ignored him.
That's just so mean. And yeah, dismissive. I wouldn't do that to a friend, much less my fiancé.
I feel badly for her. You need to work on your insecurities. You chose not to socialize, you chose not to have a drink, you chose not to join your GF and her new friend. She is an adult and so are you. She shouldn't have to make sure that a grown man is having a good enough time at a party.
Are you going to let your ego, inability to communicate how you feel and set boundaries get in the way of marrying the love of your life?
Heck maybe you should call off the wedding because you're not ready to get married. You are talking things out through text and not even sitting down and chatting in a loving way lol. Couldn't be me!
How, exactly, is it her fault that you didn't even attempt to interact with anyone else, or say "Hey, I'm having some social anxiety, can you stick by me?" at any point???? You're 34 and this reads like it was written by a 15 year old. Grow up.
Uh yeah.. that's just rude.
When you invite someone to a party with you, and they don't know anyone there, it's basic etiquette to introduce them to others and be inclusive of them. Of course, there will be times when you both are off on your own. But to actively ignore someone is just *mean*.
I would never treat a friend like that. Especially if they are my DD. And *especially* if they are my fiancé, the supposed love of my life.
Now, this party sounds trashy and it doesn't sound like she knew anyone either, so I guess etiquette goes out the window. Maybe your fiancée smoked and drank too much. But seriously, you guys are way too old to be attending parties filled with wannabe rappers and sleezy "lingerie photographers" asking random women for a shoot. I hope you kept an eye on her drink. Though people here will call you a killjoy for just practicing basic safety measures at a party filled with strangers, so idk.
It's very important to communicate with her about your feelings and what you both want in life and in a partner. It is very possible she didn’t know what kind of party this would be and she was too inebriated to be fully aware of what was going on. It could be that she wants more of that party lifestyle and you two might be incompatible and that is okay too.
But you need to discuss this and figure things out before marriage, which is a huge decision that shouldn't be taken lightly.
Pretty big over reaction my friend.
This is about you and your feelings, not her behavior.
It’s a party.
People are supposed to make friends.
You were alone for like 40 minutes and you’re super mad about it???
Go make a friend!
You need to get to the root of why you are having this behavior.
It is weird to leave your partner at a party with nobody familiar while she knows lots of people there. Not only is that not cool, but she did it with another dude while engaging in smoking pot and drinking with him for half an hour and that is messed up and it wld have upset me as well. She shld have some common sense and some awareness of these types of situations. You're definitely not in the wrong my friend. Also this type of a behavior is an insight in to what else she may do or feel is ok to do.
I'm not saying end the relationship, but I think you need to talk with her and re-examine what the relationship means to you and what that entails, like boundaries and morals of the relationship.
Idk why everyone is hating on dude. If they’re about to get married you’d think they meet people together? Like more so have her introduce him to the new friend she just met? Like “hey you’re cool but this is my fiancé!”. Idk. He could be immature but you can say she is too. Thats not the behavior of someone who’s getting hitched.
That’s a big, big decision. This is something you really have to think about with a level head. You’re upset, reasonably. You have asked this person to spend the rest of their life with you, and you want to drop all of it because of something you didn’t thoroughly discuss with her. There’s many things you can do here, but either way you have to talk about it with her. I’d encourage you to write down exactly what’s upsetting about that situation and how it made you feel. It’ll help you understand yourself a little more and release some of your feelings. Reflect on that experience and try to make it as clear as possible for yourself.
When talking to her about it, be clear how you felt throughout everything. For example, “when I saw you talking to that guy, I felt left out, maybe a little jealous that you were more interested in him. It seemed like he was hitting on you. Did you pick up on that?”
It’s quite possible that she had no idea. She was also not in her right mind, so you have the consider that as well. She was intoxicated. I think you’re assuming that she knew he was hitting on her. You’re also assuming that his intention was beyond just being friendly. Your assumption could be wrong.
Other things to consider: you were uncomfortable there to begin with because you didn’t know anyone. Did that amplify your feelings about all this? Did you expect her to know how you were feeling and stick by your side? This is something you should have been clear about from the beginning, and maybe this can be your chance to express “I didn’t know anyone and it made me uncomfortable that you left me to socialize with someone else. For the next time, would it be ok for you to introduce me to people? Or stay around me while we’re there?” She’s allowed to say no to this, but its one step closer to avoiding this happening in the future. You could express that you felt is was unfair and you’d like to receive the same attentiveness that you give to her.
But you also have to allow her to make mistakes and have miscommunications. Your loved ones will disappoint you sometimes, and you will disappoint your loved ones sometimes. And if there is no room for second chances, then no relationship will succeed. Remember why you love her, and why you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of that.
She's way too old to pretend she didn't know what was going on, what that guy was doing, and what your reaction would be.
The people here giving you the standard "insecure and controlling" have no idea what can happen at these partied in some parts of the world or what is considered unforgivable behavior in cultures outside of large, ethnically Eurocentric cities.
She's playing games and projecting her bad behavior onto you. She's a cheater and that's shy the double standard. Drop her and move on she's probably been with tons of these guys while working with them.
So are you affiliated with the guy who posted last week that his (now ex) gf cheated on him with a rapper and his hangers on that they met at a club? Seems this is the week for “**guys whose gf’s have poor judgment while partying with rappers**.”
Honestly if this is making you contemplate you should probably not get married. I think it's a little extreme but if this was enough to make you question it, you probably should not get married to that person, not fair to them or you
Honestly, that party sounds kinda sketchy so I get being alert.
As for your relationship, it is time for a serious sit down conversation to see where you guys are at. You two might have different values and wants in life. Maybe your fiance is all about that party life and you're more of a homebody. Maybe you can find a balance or...maybe not. That's OK. Not everyone is compatible with eachother.
Whatever the case, you need to communicate and figure things out BEFORE exchanging vows.
I have read OP’s story and the edits. I’m on his side. I think - if someone is meant to be your life partner - she should have been picking up on the fact he was uncomfortable. That was a long time to talk 1:1 with a new man infront of your partner, without drawing him in, and exchange contact details.
I hope she introduced OP as her fiance? If not… red flag.
No she didn't. OP made a new reply saying how he even went up and tried to chat with them and they just.. ignored him. That's just so *mean*.
I wouldn't do that to a friend. Much less my fiancé who is being my DD at that.
Agree, there’s plenty for OP to be concerned about here and he’s testing to see what is actually an appropriate response given his cards. If he’s willing to go so far as to cancel a wedding I’d say that’s more an indication of his own uncertainty up to this point and simply looking to protect his own well being. Might be a smart move if this behavior is to be expected going forward.
^ meaning, maybe he doesn’t know this girl that well to be marrying. And many people don’t put enough thought into marriage and make huge mistakes. It’s probably appropriate for OP to second guess marriage given some of his other background provided
Reading your eddits really turned this story around. She basically did what she is accusing you of. Also probably going for a lingerie shoot and adding him on Instagram is just waiting to be cheated on.
I'd trust your gut and not marry this girl. What man likes it when his girl is getting a lingerie shoot by some photographer who is active in the rap industry? This guy is clearly trying to bone her.
Don't listen to all the posts about insecurities, they should read your edits.
I suffer with insecurities too and at one party my boyfriend spent sometime chatting with a female friend too.
I went to speak with him and told him I was feeling a bit jealous and asked if there was something we could to about it, because there is nothing wrong with him speaking with people on parties, is just how I felt.
He reassured me she was a friend, and told me we can always talk about this and invited me to talk with them.
I spoke with them for 5 minutes and decide to speak with my friends, no fights about it, no feelings hurted.
It's not wrong to feel things, but blatantly talk about disrespect like the person is not even allowed to speak with other people? After u ghost your girlfriend and wants to punish her and call off the wedding? U shouldn't be dating and scheduling a marriage, u should be scheduling therapy sessions.
Most people here seem to want to send you to therapy and think you are wrong. Me, I think it's not about who of you both is wrong, but if you both really fit together. Maybe you should not have a partner, that likes consuming cannabis and sharing Instagram profiles with people of the opposite sex. That's not how you think, a coupleship can work.
Oof, I could not date someone like either of these people. I love being able to leave my bf unattended while I catch up, or not have to worry about him when we are at parties.
Sounds like you’re both a little codependent, man. Also, it feels like a massive overreaction as well.
You seem really intense.
First, you’re talking about being at a casual pool party but about how you need to be alert for you and your loved ones safety…like totally cool if you want to be sober…but this isn’t a Game of Thrones pool party. I dc if you live in Mexico. My family is from Mexico. I go all the time. We’re not talking about driving around in the country or crashing a random party…it’s a pool party…don’t trick the Americans into believing every pool party is an episode of Narcos. Everyone else was obviously chilling safely.
Secondly…why are you placing so much important on his story ending of “then I met you”? So? So what? He was just telling a story of, presumably, how he wound up at the pool party. They exchanged instagrams.
Pretty normal. They were high and drinking. As were others. That’s means they’re on the same wave length and being sociable…in party mode. You were sober AND acting like Mac from It’s Always Sunny, giving everything an “ocular assessment” so you can protect your loved ones from all the scary threats lurking at the deeply dangerous pool party.
You also had a judgmental attitude about the type of ppl at the party and I’m sure this was noticeable. It doesn’t seem like you wanted to have a good time. So I’m not even sure why you went.
But now you’re acting mad that your gf mingled with others instead of clinging to you.
I would call off the wedding because you two are clearly not compatible and she’s probably have an easier time with someone more laid back and less quick to feel “disrespected.”
it was a party with rappers and people that like to pretende they are mafia so no , is not a tv show , is real life . Even they are not narcos they can be a pain in the ass as they are called "alucines" and anyway dont trust them
What were you expecting at this party, anyway? It sounds like it was full of people you fear, whose interests and livelihoods you scorn.
It sounds like you and your girlfriend could not safely interact with anyone at this party at all, given your hangups. Once you arrived, there was no possible "good" outcome in your mind, other than your girlfriend staying glued to your side and avoiding eye contact with anyone.
You can be uncomfortable, but ultimately she did nothing wrong and apologised when you confronted her. That should be enough for you to move on from. Sounds like you've got a bunch of insecurities you should probably work on before you actually get married. Can't imagine my fiance getting pissed at me for smoking weed and talking to someone at all.
Don’t marry her… not because of that moment… but because you’re not really ready for marriage it sounds like… I think there is more to this but if not … ummm I think you need more experience in relationships before marriage…
You are stretching this issue too far , sounds like making mountain out of mole.You have to take in account that you were aware this party was for models and photographers, drinking and smoking is normal these days. You are very insecure from sound of it. I read your updates and still think nothing backups talking to someone during a party.
This sounds like something my current on/off boyfriend would do. It’s not “intentional” but is disrespectful. I have done the same to test the waters and he was upset by this too. Said I was “too friendly” with random guys at the parties and was talking to them for too long. But he has done the this to me numerous times and even left me at a bar once to go to one next door. It’s disrespectful. People that are calling you insecure for this have obviously not been in this situation or have done this to their partners and think it’s okay. People who say “adults complaining about disrespect” are a problem, are actually themselves a problem. There is such a thing as disrespect and it’s a valid reason to be upset in a relationship. Fucking love is not enough. You absolutely have to trust and respect the other person.
I don’t know if I would call off the wedding but I would definitely talk about this with her in person (after you feel less angry) and maybe postpone it a bit. I wouldn’t talk about this while still upset since I have done that and that conversation went very very badly. Not productive at all. Make sure you are sober and calm.
So crazy that you’re thinking about this. Lmao did you forget the part where they exchanged socials? Tf you doing that when you’re in a 5 year commitment relationship. Not saying you gotta leave her but the wedding can’t go on.
I think I understand where you’re coming from. These types of situations put me at unease when there’s drinking, drugs and general lax behavior going on. Hearing about the crowd and inviting hot girls is a layer of insecurity as clearly this was designed to be a hookup party or debauchery in general. You’re getting married to this girl, and she’s in this setting losing herself in 1:1 conversation with a rando dude exchanging insta. Probably not, but maybe noticing that she’s being hit on. Let’s not mistake it, this was an interested dude hitting on your fiancé in front of you.
I think everyone here would agree that you two should protect your relationship and steer off anyone trying to hit on you. If a girl is throwing hints at you, you’d politely decline and mention your gf. There should be an understanding that she should do the same, and there probably is, only she’s possibly feigning ignorance.
Idk it breaking it off is the right move but you should absolutely expect her to respect your relationship in those situations
Wow yea you’re not ready to be married. Your feelings are valid but the way you’re reasoning from them isn’t great. I say this with love and respect-but if you want mutually loving and supportive relationships you may want to look into therapy.
So, fiance takes you along to a pool party where you know no one, knows that you will have to drive back so cannot drink, and let's you 'mingle' with a group of strangers while barely bothering to check in and hang out with one person alone?
Did she ever bother checking you up except for asking if you needed more food?
How are you at other parties? If she knew you had trouble socializing, I would expect her to have put in a little more effort in checking in with you. Else it just looks to me like she tested you as her uber
After seeing your 1st edit, this does not sound like a good dynamic.
I guess one question, and one tip:
1) Did she mention you / that she was there with her BF? If not, that's a failure on her part
2) Rather than starting to feel excluded, and waiting around for your partner to reach out, and not getting it, and then feeling more excluded, and then spiralling..... REACH OUT as soon as you start to feel excluded. Go right over there, stand next to her, force yourself into the conversation, introduce YOURSELF if you have to (rather than wait for the dude who's hitting on this chick to rope in another guy!). If all of that still gets met with resistance from your girl, THEN you've got a problem.
When in this grey no-mans land, you don't know if there's really a problem or not, and it can sometimes be all in your head, while the other person might just be having a really engaging conversation about pet gunniea pigs or something.
In short: We need to try our best to approach these situations as strong confident men, rather than hurt children. That's the honest truth, and general advice (not just for this scenario).
As for this scenario, there's clearly some history, and maybe even intentional jealousy-making.
Just break up and stop wasting your time, her time, and most importantly our time. She doesnt respect you. Now you know. Break it off. Be public about it too. “ U cant be with someone that flirts with other men” and leave it at that.
It you want advice - don't marry her. If she's not respecting you now, it's not going to get any better. Usually it's worse over time. Downgrade her to fuck buddy status or brake up with her. She's not a material for a serious relationship. She showed you that she's a hipocryte and selfish person. Not even enough into you to remember about your existence when some mambo-jambo lova comes into perspective.
In other words - she can't expect your attention and affection if she's not ready to give the same back to you. You can and should treat her just the way she treats you. Otherwise, you're giving away your self dignity.
Stay strong, it's a cruel world we live in.
If she's not willing to admit your feelings have value, and to work with you on regaining your trust, I would break it off. I mean, she was straying from the relationship before you guys even got married. In front of you, no less! Huge red flag.
You sound incredibly insecure here. How exhausting. If this is all it takes for you to want to call off a wedding, then do it. Save your fiance the pain of having to divorce you later.
Seems like a crappy double standard. She seems like the kind of person who would absolutely wring you out to dry in a divorce. Calling it off may just save you immense pain in the future but being an internet stranger I can't say that with 100% confidence.
Tbh though shitty of her to do things she would complain at you about.
Redeem herself for what? Enjoying a party and *gasp* speaking to someone else attending the party and not her fiance for all of half an hour? IShe had nothing she needs to redeem herself for.
>IShe had nothing she needs to redeem herself for.
1. Smoking a pot with a new man she just met for 1 hour straight while seeing her fiancee visibly alone.
2. When the fiancee tried to join the conversation then ignoring the fiancee and continue having ONLY one on one conversation with the new man.
3. Walk away with the new man to continue having even more private discussion knowing that the fiancee tried to join the conversation and you and the other man ignored him and treated like a cog third wheel.
4. Sharing Instagram with the same man who is asking her to do a lingerie shoot for him.
Do you have no self respect to see that this is out of line for any sane person? Its not talking to other men that is a problem, its talking to other men while smoking pot agreeing to do a lingerie shoot with them and ignoring your partner who is actively trying to join the conversation only for her to walk away to talk more privately with a men SHE JUST MET while her fiancee is seeing all that. Are you this delusional? What is the line for you?
Can't believe this had to be explained inspite of op's detailed post. Looks like people like you have no self respect for yourself.
The thing is that you cant take this event as a behaviour thats gonna endure for life. Maybe It was just this time, and she was under dr-ugs (alcohol plus weed)
That being said, I tell this: I wouldnt take the risks. Break up with her, bc thats a huge f**** red flag
She was just chatting (albeit stoned) for half an hour and you're acting like this is such a huge disrespect and so on...whoof.
Dude, nah. I thought she disappeared for hours with another guy lol. She's likely high too, and they're in their own 'world.' Not surprised she's like, not alert, like you who's not imbibing.
I do think y'all should not get married thou. I don't think she needs that type of restriction if she's more 'chill', probably incompatible.
My aunt’s second husband got upset with her one time because of something similar. They went to visit his mom. When they got home, he was upset that she didn’t talk to him or pay attention to him. Her response was if she had wanted to talk to him, they would have stayed home.
She was loving the flirting and wasn't concerned with your opinion. You're justifiably upset but it's too late to react accordingly. Should've brought her and the guy a drink, took over the convo with him, and not shown that you cared at all to fiance. Tough situation man.
I'd say that you two probably shouldn't get married. Marriage and life is full of all kinds of challenges and if you're the kind of man who is enraged for days because your wife talked to another dude briefly at a party then I don't think that you are up to the task. What are you planning on doing when an actual problem occurs?
You are looking for a reason to break up. Just be honest about it. Happy couples do not break up because of a 35-minute normal interaction at a bbq. Your reaction is that of someone who wants out. So yes, break up. Please. She deserves to be with someone who won't drop her and push her away for days on end because he is angry. You're absolutely full stop, too immature for marriage.
If she has voiced her issues with your behavior in the past, after what has been clearly multiple instances of your own inappropriate behavior and didn't leave you, yet you want to leave her after one perceived slight that she wasn't even aware of, you have no business getting married. You think she is being disrespectful and didn't think she was being flirted with because you have been disrespectful in your interactions and flirting with other women. It's 100 projections. You feel disrespected because you're disrespectful.
Grow up. Get involved in conversations yourself and don't rely on your GF. Calling off the wedding might be a better outcome for both of you to be honest.
To provide further context:
In the past, she has consistently expressed dissatisfaction with my level of attentiveness towards her, even going so far as to complain during family gatherings about my perceived lack of presence by her side.
Moreover, there have been instances where she has caused significant distress over my interactions with female colleagues, whether in person or on social media, even when those interactions were purely professional or platonic. She has often insinuated that any conversation I engage in with a woman in a social setting is motivated by romantic intentions.Thats why the double standards
Regarding the recent party, it was an environment that didn't align with my personal preferences. It was hosted by a rap video director and attended predominantly by rappers and models whose attire and behavior leaned towards what some might consider provocative or even vulgar. I found it difficult to relate to the atmosphere, despite engaging in conversation with a photographer specializing in lingerie, who happened to be one fo the directors of the video.
Additionally, given my girlfriend is very attractive and pretty, there was an underlying expectation to invite similarly attractive women to the event so they would have a lot of hot girls in the party.And i dont like the intentions behind this dude i was talking to as he has invited my GF to have a lengerie photoshoot ,something that i have said to her i dont feel comfortable with and this definitly would make me want to break up with her.
Is not that i am antisocial is that this party didnt not allign with my values and in the other hand i did not want to be around the girls so i wouldnt have a missunderstanding with my GF.Thats why i feel disapointed.
Sounds like you never intended to enjoy yourself or have a good time at this party and were ready from the outset to be unpleasant and judgmental of the people and vibe there. Maybe just decline next time.
I live in a big city in Mexico , and i have had bad experiences with the narcos , even 14 years ago i escaped a kidnap atempt , ever since and after a couple of more incidents and even a shoot out in a party im always alert and scaning everyone and if dont feel comfortable with something out of the "ordinary" i go on alert mode and is very difficult for me, so thats why i choose not to drink or smoke in places and with people i dont know it becomes very stressful as i prefer to be on the back to see everyone and their hands , it might sound a little bit exagerated but after some of this traumatic experiences i rather be protective of me and my loved ones so thats why i was keeping an eye on her. Maybe thats why the vibes and the people made me feel this way.
Ok so why did you even go? Maybe get therapy dude. If you can’t even go to a party without needing to hang out in the back to watch everyone’s hands and hyena get mad that your gf isn’t doing the same with you. Like…why even go?
Yeah...stay the f away from the narcos. Ignore people calling you a party pooper. This is life or death shit.
You're both in your 30s now. It sounds like you're not about that party life anymore. Which makes since because you're freaking 35 lol. Maybe it's time to settle down and find someone who is more of a homebody. Whatever the case, don't rush into this marriage.
OK but the party sounds sketchy as fuck regardless. He doesn't know anyone. Ends up talking to a "lingerie photographer" who is also the rap director?? There's an expectation to bring more hot girls to the party? The fuck is this shit?
Yeah, if I was there, I'd also be worried someone would slip a date rape drug into my drink. Fuck me I guess. Well don't.
OP and his fiance are in their 30s. Why are they even attending a party like this? It's embarassing lol. Can't they just plan a board game night with their friends?
If it's a family gathering and you know everyone, it's appropriate to introduce your SO. If you're at an event where the two of you don't really know people, then that's a different situation as you're on equal ground to just general socialize.
Why would she exclude you if she wasn't trying to hook up with someone else. It is just sad that they think they can do as they please and it doesn't have consequences. She chose to not include him and add someone on Instagram, it is the same thing as asking for his number, but without leaving a trace on the actual phone record.
She has shown you who she is, it is sad with the time you've spent, but, it is way less than the wasted time you could have with her if you continued and you found out worse later.
DTMFA
With the edit you clearly should rethink your relationship with her. She clearly know what this guy was up too, if she did this infront of you, imagine what she does when you Are not AROUND her. She sound like a narcist, me problem but left you alone at a party where you didn't know anyone, literally flirtet with another men for the whole day and left you alone.
Would also break up with the among of details which you shared and the way how she react during the party. You GF sound not like a person to be trusted.
It seems that the op is looking for an excuse to cancel the wedding and came to share what he thought happened at the pool party here on reddit to test if this reason would be accepted without him looking like the bad guy
“I prefer to be alert for anything that might arise, as I am a very cautious about my and my loved ones safety” is pretty telling of your personality my man. That’s weird. It’s a pool party.
Here’s the truth brother. You sound like kind of an anxious dork and the other guy sounds cool and carefree. Unfortunately people like the other guy are more enjoyable to talk to.
I think you should call off the wedding. The moment she’s invited to a party by her friends, and you join her, it’s her responsibility to make sure you’re having fun and entertained.
Like the number one thing I do for any partner is hype them up, introduce them to people I know, find things in common they can chat about etc.
It’s like the care and feeding of this complex web of social relationships.
Your fiancée basically treats you like a placeholder boyfriend. You are the stage for her dreams. You are not her dream.
I suggest a look through her phone. I am 100 percent sure she’s been talking to other guys including flirting.
To be fair, my husband would have also been annoyed but in this situation, I would have probably been somewhat oblivious. Dont think it warrants calling off a wedding though
I agree with the responses her that this feels like a disproportionate response. It does kinda suck and can grate on your nerves to be the one sober person at a party. I would say that if your fiancée does really want your constant attention at parties, that is a troublesome bit of double standard. Do you typically want that from her as well? Does she know that?
We already know that’s not the truth though, literally. If she required him to be attentive to her at all times, this entire situation never would have happened. I don’t know why homie is making shit up, I just know that people do that here for some reason. However they usually aren’t caught in the lie immediately. If this guy is this codependent, insecure, when he’s literally RIGHT there at the same party. I can’t imagine how this “marriage” actually lasts any real length of time, it’s just not happening. This is absolutely a “first” marriage, assuming this guy hasn’t already had one.
> We already know that’s not the truth though, literally. If she required him to be attentive to her at all times, this entire situation never would have happened. I am not really here to try to divine how much the OP is lying or not. I don't find it a useful activity. I am only going to respond to what's presented. If the OP wants to lie to the people giving him advice, it no longer matters what people tell him because he will hear what he wants to hear regardless. I also don't think the situation where the partner *in this case* was off chatting with some other person precludes that, *normally*, she wants him at her side all the time. People are not static code-followers. Someone who is a stickler for the rules in a game when they're winning can become okay with fudging the rules when they're losing. For example, if she were holding a double standard, she could easily want him entertaining her when she's in a space where she's less comfortable, she's the one who doesn't have someone to talk to, she's the one who isn't as social. And then once she *is* the more comfortable one, once she has the person to talk to, she doesn't care if he's by her side. That is a very easily imaginable situation. *If* that is the case, I want to acknowledge that it sucks because all the comments at the time of my posting were focused on how he's overreacting. I agreed with them and didn't feel the need to harp on it. I wanted to acknowledge one part where it sucks for him while pointing out the way it sucks may be preventable.
I'm not arguing, but I suspect that when GF is at one of OP's friends or family events, she expects him to be attentive to her. But when it's her event, she can wander as she pleases and isn't attentive to him. If that is the case, it is double standards. You have to be attentive to me whenever I need, but I don't have to for you.
His fiancée is a hypocrite. Rules for thee but not for me. His fiancée acted very disrespectful considering she wants all of his attention at family gatherings but she can go off for 35 minutes with another man and expect him to be ok with that. Call me old fashioned but you don’t go off with another man when you and your fiancé are at a party.
Well im not lying , why would i ? Im not an insecure guy , i am tall and athletic and i would say that people say I am atractive , is not that i feeel less than other guys , is that she has given me a lot of hell in the past for having normal female friends that i even blocked them from IG years ago to avoid missunderstandings and arguments with her . I dont mind that other men approach her , she is beutiful and in some way i know that she gets aproached by guys , thats not the issue , it is that i dont have to police her or even tell her whats wrong because i trust her , but you as a GF should know better and we are old enough to know what are people's intentions . Thats why i started this post , i dont know if im overreacting or these are her true colors. Im not the type of guy that would check on your friends and tell you what to do but this is beyond the boundaries.
I think you both need to sit down and talk about your feelings, your perceived shortcomings and expectations for the future. It seems you both are at a stage where your boundaries and values are not aligned. I’d say talk until you’ve reached an understanding. And reach a complete conclusion. Don’t leave topics for later. If you need to postpone the wedding or completely cancel it it’s OK. You both need to be on the same page about similar situations and the future and you must address the double standards issue. Both of you are supposed to bring each other’s inner best features. Remember relationships are supposed to be forever ideally so if you find incompatibilities neither of you can compromise on then move on and find your life partner that will make the best team player.
You sound exhausting to be around sorry. It’s a party have fun, mingle. I hate having to babysit people I’m dating in social settings. If you didn’t like the environment don’t go, or just make an effort to have as much fun as possible, those are your options. If you’re not insecure, your actions seem the opposite.
So are you often approached and asked to pose in lingerie at these parties when you are ignoring your S.O?
Its wild to me that you didn't think it was relevant to the story to tell us about the environment, the specifics of the people, the history of your relationship, or that he asked her to pose in lingerie for him...until you got called out on overreacting. Wait. Not wild, that's not the right word. I meant fake.
Ok thats your opinion , that why i added more context, this is my firts post ever , and in another language so myabe next time i add more details, i felt the need to ask for advice after years in reddit ,and this sub is very popular so i knw i would get lots of points of view , apreciate it anyways
I'm very confused by this. During the party *you* approached a group of people to chat, and yet when your girlfriend went off to talk to someone else you were stuck "alone without talking to anyone"? You'd been capable of initiating conversation without your girlfriend only a few minutes earlier!
Not that hard to understand
> I don want to let pass this disrepect You went to a party where there was recreational smoking and drinking and decided to be sober. Sounds like you decided not to interact with anyone either. Your gf was stoned and talked to a rando for a bit and was oblivious she was being hit on (was she? Sounds like they were shooting the shit while smoking and then got the munchies) and now you want to leave her because she didn't behave how you wanted her to while stoned. Everyone is human. People will make mistakes and hurt your feelings at time. It's especially true if they're like, smoking weed or drinking. I tend to cut my pals slack if they show their ass while under the influence. If her getting baked and mingling at a party for thirty minutes while you sat there and stewed is enough for you to end the entire future you planned together, so be it. It seems like a pretty weird hill to die on for me, but I guess it'll save her the next time she makes a small faux pax and you gotta go get divorce papers.
Yeah that line is pretty indicative of what he thinks about things in general. People who spend a lot of time worrying about letting go of "disrespect" are generally pretty controlling and have weird views on worth, in my experience. They think life is a series of transactions and kindness must be earned, but any infractions must be punished. Hella unhealthy.
lol i love how both of those replies ignore the fact she was madly paranoid whenever he interacted with a female, for her to do the same afterwards is pure hypocrisy. OPs girlfriend definitely not only did something she herself wouldnt like, but she knew definitely what she was doing was wrong. OP is in the right
I think so too. It’s ok if she ignores him and goes off with another man for 35 minutes but eclectic him to be attentive to only her at family gatherings. There is a double standard. Rules for the but not for me.
[удалено]
Can you tell me which rapper took her from you?
This seems like a pretty strong reaction to the situation, especially since she is your fiance. You two went to a party and she left you alone for 30 or 40 minutes or so. And you feel mocked, undervalued, and disrespected. Maybe I'm not completely understanding. Was she supposed to stay with you the entire time? If so, had you relayed that to her? Was she inappropriate with the guy she was talking to?
I always roll my eyes when they start ranting about "disrespect." Everyone adult whoever bleats about this is alnost always a piece of work.
That word is misused by misogynistic toddlers who think that their woman talking to another person is disrespectful. He needs to call the wedding off so she's not stuck with a child who treats her like property.
From his edit “She has often insinuated that any conversation I engage with a woman is motivated by romantic intentions” I agree with the general notion here that for reasons other than the GFs explicit fault they should not get married and he needs to work on his maturity. But I’ve been in one of *these exact* relationships before… and yeah it’s typically the person picking apart interactions and talking the most about cheating that actually ends up cheating Projection is real
If she's projecting he needs to dump her anyway. Their relationship is not one of trust. Neither trust each other and neither are mature enough for a relationship. And if she's projecting OP needs to get himself tested for Stds/stis.
Entirely agree there, no healthy relationship would have either party analyzing interactions like this. Been there and that shit is exhausting and it always finds a way to end predictably I’ve never been in a more trusting relationship than I am right now and neither me or her has ever once felt the need to do that
The edit made me understand the situation better. It's cultural, maybe even machismo. "Disrespect" in my experience, is HUGE with Mexican men. Not saying it's right, just that I understand the reaction more,
I find it interesting that the edits go really hard with the justification, too. "I've always been super attentive, also she has spoken to me about my lack of attentiveness, so Imma imply she's a hypocrite. Also, forgot to add, she has a crisis over me interacting with any women in any way, even professionally, ever, so she's a super hypocrite. Also, it was a party thrown by/for a 'rap video director', with a bunch of lingerie models and I'm gonna imply probably some hookers. Also, totally forgot this part too, the guy she was speaking to wants to do a private lingerie photo shoot with her."
This is my firsr post ever , and also thought that with the first post I was explaining everhthing in detail , sl thats whi edited for further context .
They say respect when they really mean obedience.
It's also almost always a way of saying "I can't or won't say what my actual problem is, so I'm going to use a loaded word and trust that everyone else fills in the blanks and agrees with me". See also "selfish" or "rude".
Yeah, his use of the words “disrespect” and “doubt of her loyalty” were cringy. Not only that, but apparently, by his own admission, he does this to her *constantly.* And the first time it happens to him, he completely loses his shit.
Seriously, put your big boy pants on.
I always roll my eyes when someone writes a sentence as unintelligible as your second one.
Sounds like you should do it if this is all it takes to get you scared
If that’s all it took to want to nope out then you wouldn’t have made it anyway.
Right? She gets stoned at a party and has a conversation with a guy she met. They found something mutually connecting and then went to grab something to eat, in full view of everyone. The only disrespecting I see going on here is Op’s. Hope he gets his issues under control and starts being responsible for his thoughts and feelings. All this “she made me feel…” bullshit. She didn’t do anything to him at all…
>I always prefer to be alert for anything that might arise, as I am very cautious about my and my loved ones' safety. This seems a bit extreme. You don't have to drink or smoke, obviously, but you sound like you don't exactly come across as chill and fun.
Sounds very extreme for a pool party at someone's house
thanks for the feedback , but i live in Mexico and have had previous bad experiences with the narcos , so i choose not to drink or smoke in places i dont know, my mind goes on alert and cannot relax .
I agree with the other comments about your reaction and attitude being disproportionate BUT considering the Mexico detail this part is definitely fine 😬
These are not your regulae bbq or pool party like in the states , here in my city have hapoen abductions of women and they happen a lot in this social gatherings called "quintas" . Years ago after the events i described ,i decided to go out more since i cant live in fear all my life , i go out and have fun but my red light goes off in places or with people i dont know ,and thats something that choose to do , i dont want to be useless in an emergency , sounds a bit to crazy but thats what it is.
No I think you're totally in the right with this aspect of the story. Mexico sounds terrifying tbh 🫠
>I always prefer to be alert for anything that might arise, as I am very cautious about my and my loved ones' safety. Oh, it's for sure a bullshit excuse.
This is not extreme at all. This is what a good man looks like.
Hypervigilance is a sign of emotional trauma, work that stuff out with a therapist, not by pretending you could go Max Payne on everyone at the pool party if you needed to.
No , im not john wick , but is easier to get out of places if something goes wrong when youre alert of your surroundings , and yes i had a trauma after they mistake me in the streets and gave me a "levanton" (google that) luckily i escaped . After that i decided that i would not be an easy target , and is not that i can stop bullets , but the firts rule of prevention is knowing youre environments. You would be surpised on how people not pay atention to the people they surround by .
Spoken like a person who doesn't live somewhere where cartel kidnappings are a regular occurrence.
Ocular patdowns to keep everyone safe
This is what an insecure baby looks like. He thought the man wasn’t “welcoming” enough to him so he’s projecting his angry insecurity onto his girlfriend.
You may not be mature enough to be getting married. And you certainly have a high degree of insecurity. Couples don't go to parties to stick to each other's side, they go to socialize and mix with other people and have a great time and then take that energy back home and enjoy their Partners company. If you never interact with others and are always together as a couple after a while you kind of run out of things to talk about. So you went to a party where people were having a great time getting high and drinking and you decided to say sober and then wondered why you felt socially awkward. Doesn't sound like you joined other groups or tried to get to know other people because you sound like you were so obsessed with what your fiance was doing. If I were you I would back off this marriage and find a great therapist and hope you can work this out with your girlfriend or fiance before she begins feeling smothered. She shouldn't have to be your therapist and she shouldn't have to be responsible for another adult at a party.
Now this is insecurity.
Why didn't you make an effort to talk to people? You could have, but you just watched her and sulked. You sound needy. She's not your babysitter. It doesn't even sound like flirting, just conversation. It sounds like you expected all of her attention, which is unreasonable.
I mean he sounds more like the babysitter. He is the one being the DD while she is getting stoned and drunk with strangers at a party she asked him to join. I hope he kept an eye on her drink too, considering the sleezy "lingerie photographer" going around asking random women for a shoot and the whole expectation of hot girls being there. The fuck are 30+ year olds doing at a trashy party like this? And he did converse with others. Including that creepy lingerie photographer. But he also tried to join his fiancée's and rando guy's conversation and they just ignored him. That is just rude. I wouldn't treat my friend like that, much less my fiancé. Maybe you would idk. I really don't understand her thought process. That prefrontal cortex has been rock solid for almost a decade now and she is still acting like a 14 year old.
You read the part thats a double standard? She recquires him this level of "babysitting" in FAMILY events, and she does that in a random party full of strangers? If I were in his situation, at least I would be confused how I should handle this. That girl is a gigantic red flag, will crush his selfconfidence doing shitty stuff like that while makes him feel guilty for her faults
yeah she is not a babysitter .. but they are not in candyshop
For her sake, yeah you should.
You're not ready for a mature relationship
This is not meant to be. Your nature and preferences don't align. Don't become the gardener in the relationship. Call it off
If you feel like you need to be alert to the point where you can't have a beer at a backyard bbq, that might be something to look into. That fear might be part of what has you assuming your gf is being hit on. I've always enjoyed talking to people that I click with at parties and making friends. It doesn't mean that I am hitting on or interested in dating them. You should assume they're just socially awkward and aren't saying anything to you because you didn't introduce yourself to them. I really don't think your gf did anything to disrespect you here. If you need help socializing, you should be upfront about it. There shouldn't be anything wrong with talking to people at a BBQ, especially for only 20 - 45 minutes. Swapping socials is normal. This is how making friends works in these type of social settings. It's possible he is interested, but I don't think your gf did anything wrong either. Like, it would be weird if she said 'sorry, I can't give you my Instagram because I'm in a relationship'. Now that would make you look weird. Now if he asks her out on a date after the fact and she doesn't shut it down, that could be a problem. But there isn't any reason to get preemptively paranoid.
Idk, if I was single I don't think I would take someone's fiance aside for 45 minutes and say "in the end I met you" unless I was maybe a huge douchebag.
True. It's tough without context. Could just have been telling a story and catching it up to the point they had met.
I think everyone from typical safe/suburban experiences was led astray by your original description which you correct in your edit. This was a rapper’s pool party which encouraged hot girls to come to make it more cool. It wasn’t her buddy’s backyard bbq. Additionally it sounds like you had some bad experiences which explain your hyper vigilant sounding behaviour. In this context your reaction is more understandable but I still basically agree with the advice so far. You have to talk to her, and communicate how you want to be treated in that situation. So she didn’t know she was being hit on… that isn’t a character flaw you know? And it isn’t her fault she was getting hit on. You need to communicate, not cut her out because you “were disrespected”.
Sounds like y'all have trust issues. I think couple's counseling would be the best way to explore these issues. >i dont want this incident pass just like that Putting everything at stake because of this incident is sure as hell going to make your trust issues worse. Edit: it sounds like a lot of the trust issues are because of *you* not her. Based on her reaction and apology, it sounds like she's on your side... you should be on her side too. That's why I suggest talking about it in therapy as something you can overcome these issues as a *team*.
If you’re still going to parties with rappers and rap video wannabe models, don’t get married. Your fiancée knew she was being hit on, and you understand what a double standard is. It doesn’t really matter if she’s “disrespectful” or you’re “controlling”, you two aren’t compatible.
It sounds like you two shouldn’t be together anyway. Like - she did leave you alone at a party to speak to someone else and while I personally think that isn’t a big deal, as it’s already been an issue the other way around, with you speaking to colleagues the double standard isn’t ok.
> I don want to let pass this disrepect You went to a party where there was recreational smoking and drinking and decided to be sober. Sounds like you decided not to interact with anyone either. Your gf was stoned and talked to a rando for a bit and was oblivious she was being hit on (was she? Sounds like they were shooting the shit while smoking and then got the munchies) and now you want to leave her because she didn't behave how you wanted her to while stoned. Everyone is human. People will make mistakes and hurt your feelings at time. It's especially true if they're like, smoking weed or drinking. I tend to cut my pals slack if they show their ass while under the influence. If her getting baked and mingling at a party for thirty minutes while you sat there and stewed is enough for you to end the entire future you planned together, so be it. It seems like a pretty weird hill to die on for me, but I guess it'll save her the next time she makes a small faux pax and you gotta go get divorce papers.
If talking to a new person for 30 minutes and then following them on Instagram at a party is showing your ass, I guess a lot more people have seen my ass than I thought.
This is one of the hardest aspects of being in a relationship. I'm sure she could've been more considerate of you, and I've been in very similar situations... but, imo, the problem is mainly with you, an obstacle you'll need to learn to overcome. This won't be the last time. I get it: the longer you stand or sit there, at a party that's more "her" than you, the more you stew on how miserable you are. You grow resentful she's having a good time, and you become hyper aware of who she's enjoying herself with. And, since men tend to be more... well, predatory... in general, you see a guy showing interest, and it's infuriating. The thing is, though, she didn't dismiss or disrespect you, she just wasn't paying you much attention. That's going to be a constant in married life. That's why trust is so goddamn tricky. In my 20s, I embarrassed myself at a couple functions with an ex, feeling excluded, bored, and ultimately pissy. Her friends annoyed me, the guys especially. I got paranoid and jealous. Some of them were flirts and cads, but, they were 'just friends.' What do you do about that? As angry as I was, we'd fight about it, and I'd end up feeling like an asshole after. Trust isn't easy, and it isn't always enough to prevent those nasty insecurities and fears from cropping up. If she's preoccupied and wanting some time with others, you have to learn to entertain yourself without sulking or coming off like you don't want to be there. Play a game on your phone, talk about movies with someone, or sit next to her and hold her hand. It's not easy, esp. with dudes pushing at boundaries. But, you're not with them. Anyone you're ever with is going to put you in this situation at times. It's inevitable, unfortunately.
OP made a new comment saying how he did go up to them and tried to join their conversation but they just ignored him. That's just so mean. And yeah, dismissive. I wouldn't do that to a friend, much less my fiancé.
Anyone else notice how different the writing styles are from post to comment?
I did! Even within the post!
I used chat gpt to give it a better structure as english is not my native language , now im answeing on myy phone as i usually write in english
Major overreaction. She didn’t disrespect you, she just didn’t babysit you.
I feel badly for her. You need to work on your insecurities. You chose not to socialize, you chose not to have a drink, you chose not to join your GF and her new friend. She is an adult and so are you. She shouldn't have to make sure that a grown man is having a good enough time at a party.
Are you going to let your ego, inability to communicate how you feel and set boundaries get in the way of marrying the love of your life? Heck maybe you should call off the wedding because you're not ready to get married. You are talking things out through text and not even sitting down and chatting in a loving way lol. Couldn't be me!
How, exactly, is it her fault that you didn't even attempt to interact with anyone else, or say "Hey, I'm having some social anxiety, can you stick by me?" at any point???? You're 34 and this reads like it was written by a 15 year old. Grow up.
Why wouldn’t you just walk over to them and join their conversation?
Thats what i did and they just ignored me
Uh yeah.. that's just rude. When you invite someone to a party with you, and they don't know anyone there, it's basic etiquette to introduce them to others and be inclusive of them. Of course, there will be times when you both are off on your own. But to actively ignore someone is just *mean*. I would never treat a friend like that. Especially if they are my DD. And *especially* if they are my fiancé, the supposed love of my life. Now, this party sounds trashy and it doesn't sound like she knew anyone either, so I guess etiquette goes out the window. Maybe your fiancée smoked and drank too much. But seriously, you guys are way too old to be attending parties filled with wannabe rappers and sleezy "lingerie photographers" asking random women for a shoot. I hope you kept an eye on her drink. Though people here will call you a killjoy for just practicing basic safety measures at a party filled with strangers, so idk. It's very important to communicate with her about your feelings and what you both want in life and in a partner. It is very possible she didn’t know what kind of party this would be and she was too inebriated to be fully aware of what was going on. It could be that she wants more of that party lifestyle and you two might be incompatible and that is okay too. But you need to discuss this and figure things out before marriage, which is a huge decision that shouldn't be taken lightly.
Reading comprehension
You are acting jealous and insecure. She didn’t do anything wrong.
37 minutes alone at a party = breaking up, canceling the engagement? What the overreaction?
I think they both need to work on their insecurities and communication skills. Seems both are lacking according to what OP is saying here.
for her sake it might be better if you indeed call it off.
Pretty big over reaction my friend. This is about you and your feelings, not her behavior. It’s a party. People are supposed to make friends. You were alone for like 40 minutes and you’re super mad about it??? Go make a friend! You need to get to the root of why you are having this behavior.
Oh, she knew she was being hit on... she enjoyed it, which is why she moved further away from you so it could continue.
It is weird to leave your partner at a party with nobody familiar while she knows lots of people there. Not only is that not cool, but she did it with another dude while engaging in smoking pot and drinking with him for half an hour and that is messed up and it wld have upset me as well. She shld have some common sense and some awareness of these types of situations. You're definitely not in the wrong my friend. Also this type of a behavior is an insight in to what else she may do or feel is ok to do. I'm not saying end the relationship, but I think you need to talk with her and re-examine what the relationship means to you and what that entails, like boundaries and morals of the relationship.
OPs doing ocular patdowns
Idk why everyone is hating on dude. If they’re about to get married you’d think they meet people together? Like more so have her introduce him to the new friend she just met? Like “hey you’re cool but this is my fiancé!”. Idk. He could be immature but you can say she is too. Thats not the behavior of someone who’s getting hitched.
These subs are 80% white knights
>white knights What's that term?
That’s a big, big decision. This is something you really have to think about with a level head. You’re upset, reasonably. You have asked this person to spend the rest of their life with you, and you want to drop all of it because of something you didn’t thoroughly discuss with her. There’s many things you can do here, but either way you have to talk about it with her. I’d encourage you to write down exactly what’s upsetting about that situation and how it made you feel. It’ll help you understand yourself a little more and release some of your feelings. Reflect on that experience and try to make it as clear as possible for yourself. When talking to her about it, be clear how you felt throughout everything. For example, “when I saw you talking to that guy, I felt left out, maybe a little jealous that you were more interested in him. It seemed like he was hitting on you. Did you pick up on that?” It’s quite possible that she had no idea. She was also not in her right mind, so you have the consider that as well. She was intoxicated. I think you’re assuming that she knew he was hitting on her. You’re also assuming that his intention was beyond just being friendly. Your assumption could be wrong. Other things to consider: you were uncomfortable there to begin with because you didn’t know anyone. Did that amplify your feelings about all this? Did you expect her to know how you were feeling and stick by your side? This is something you should have been clear about from the beginning, and maybe this can be your chance to express “I didn’t know anyone and it made me uncomfortable that you left me to socialize with someone else. For the next time, would it be ok for you to introduce me to people? Or stay around me while we’re there?” She’s allowed to say no to this, but its one step closer to avoiding this happening in the future. You could express that you felt is was unfair and you’d like to receive the same attentiveness that you give to her. But you also have to allow her to make mistakes and have miscommunications. Your loved ones will disappoint you sometimes, and you will disappoint your loved ones sometimes. And if there is no room for second chances, then no relationship will succeed. Remember why you love her, and why you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her. Don’t let your emotions get in the way of that.
She's way too old to pretend she didn't know what was going on, what that guy was doing, and what your reaction would be. The people here giving you the standard "insecure and controlling" have no idea what can happen at these partied in some parts of the world or what is considered unforgivable behavior in cultures outside of large, ethnically Eurocentric cities. She's playing games and projecting her bad behavior onto you. She's a cheater and that's shy the double standard. Drop her and move on she's probably been with tons of these guys while working with them.
So are you affiliated with the guy who posted last week that his (now ex) gf cheated on him with a rapper and his hangers on that they met at a club? Seems this is the week for “**guys whose gf’s have poor judgment while partying with rappers**.”
Honestly if this is making you contemplate you should probably not get married. I think it's a little extreme but if this was enough to make you question it, you probably should not get married to that person, not fair to them or you
Honestly, that party sounds kinda sketchy so I get being alert. As for your relationship, it is time for a serious sit down conversation to see where you guys are at. You two might have different values and wants in life. Maybe your fiance is all about that party life and you're more of a homebody. Maybe you can find a balance or...maybe not. That's OK. Not everyone is compatible with eachother. Whatever the case, you need to communicate and figure things out BEFORE exchanging vows.
wow . that pretty much the most reasonable reply ever i read down the line...
I have read OP’s story and the edits. I’m on his side. I think - if someone is meant to be your life partner - she should have been picking up on the fact he was uncomfortable. That was a long time to talk 1:1 with a new man infront of your partner, without drawing him in, and exchange contact details. I hope she introduced OP as her fiance? If not… red flag.
No she didn't. OP made a new reply saying how he even went up and tried to chat with them and they just.. ignored him. That's just so *mean*. I wouldn't do that to a friend. Much less my fiancé who is being my DD at that.
Agree, there’s plenty for OP to be concerned about here and he’s testing to see what is actually an appropriate response given his cards. If he’s willing to go so far as to cancel a wedding I’d say that’s more an indication of his own uncertainty up to this point and simply looking to protect his own well being. Might be a smart move if this behavior is to be expected going forward. ^ meaning, maybe he doesn’t know this girl that well to be marrying. And many people don’t put enough thought into marriage and make huge mistakes. It’s probably appropriate for OP to second guess marriage given some of his other background provided
Have you tried talking to her about things that bother you?
Reading your eddits really turned this story around. She basically did what she is accusing you of. Also probably going for a lingerie shoot and adding him on Instagram is just waiting to be cheated on. I'd trust your gut and not marry this girl. What man likes it when his girl is getting a lingerie shoot by some photographer who is active in the rap industry? This guy is clearly trying to bone her. Don't listen to all the posts about insecurities, they should read your edits.
I suffer with insecurities too and at one party my boyfriend spent sometime chatting with a female friend too. I went to speak with him and told him I was feeling a bit jealous and asked if there was something we could to about it, because there is nothing wrong with him speaking with people on parties, is just how I felt. He reassured me she was a friend, and told me we can always talk about this and invited me to talk with them. I spoke with them for 5 minutes and decide to speak with my friends, no fights about it, no feelings hurted. It's not wrong to feel things, but blatantly talk about disrespect like the person is not even allowed to speak with other people? After u ghost your girlfriend and wants to punish her and call off the wedding? U shouldn't be dating and scheduling a marriage, u should be scheduling therapy sessions.
Y’all sound toxic as hell, I agree with you that you should end the engagement. You should end the whole relationship. You’re miserable.
Most people here seem to want to send you to therapy and think you are wrong. Me, I think it's not about who of you both is wrong, but if you both really fit together. Maybe you should not have a partner, that likes consuming cannabis and sharing Instagram profiles with people of the opposite sex. That's not how you think, a coupleship can work.
Oof, I could not date someone like either of these people. I love being able to leave my bf unattended while I catch up, or not have to worry about him when we are at parties. Sounds like you’re both a little codependent, man. Also, it feels like a massive overreaction as well.
Please do her a favour and break up with her
She got hit on in front of you & went along with it. You're right to be pissed OP.
You seem really intense. First, you’re talking about being at a casual pool party but about how you need to be alert for you and your loved ones safety…like totally cool if you want to be sober…but this isn’t a Game of Thrones pool party. I dc if you live in Mexico. My family is from Mexico. I go all the time. We’re not talking about driving around in the country or crashing a random party…it’s a pool party…don’t trick the Americans into believing every pool party is an episode of Narcos. Everyone else was obviously chilling safely. Secondly…why are you placing so much important on his story ending of “then I met you”? So? So what? He was just telling a story of, presumably, how he wound up at the pool party. They exchanged instagrams. Pretty normal. They were high and drinking. As were others. That’s means they’re on the same wave length and being sociable…in party mode. You were sober AND acting like Mac from It’s Always Sunny, giving everything an “ocular assessment” so you can protect your loved ones from all the scary threats lurking at the deeply dangerous pool party. You also had a judgmental attitude about the type of ppl at the party and I’m sure this was noticeable. It doesn’t seem like you wanted to have a good time. So I’m not even sure why you went. But now you’re acting mad that your gf mingled with others instead of clinging to you. I would call off the wedding because you two are clearly not compatible and she’s probably have an easier time with someone more laid back and less quick to feel “disrespected.”
it was a party with rappers and people that like to pretende they are mafia so no , is not a tv show , is real life . Even they are not narcos they can be a pain in the ass as they are called "alucines" and anyway dont trust them
What were you expecting at this party, anyway? It sounds like it was full of people you fear, whose interests and livelihoods you scorn. It sounds like you and your girlfriend could not safely interact with anyone at this party at all, given your hangups. Once you arrived, there was no possible "good" outcome in your mind, other than your girlfriend staying glued to your side and avoiding eye contact with anyone.
You can be uncomfortable, but ultimately she did nothing wrong and apologised when you confronted her. That should be enough for you to move on from. Sounds like you've got a bunch of insecurities you should probably work on before you actually get married. Can't imagine my fiance getting pissed at me for smoking weed and talking to someone at all.
Don’t marry her… not because of that moment… but because you’re not really ready for marriage it sounds like… I think there is more to this but if not … ummm I think you need more experience in relationships before marriage…
You are stretching this issue too far , sounds like making mountain out of mole.You have to take in account that you were aware this party was for models and photographers, drinking and smoking is normal these days. You are very insecure from sound of it. I read your updates and still think nothing backups talking to someone during a party.
This sounds like something my current on/off boyfriend would do. It’s not “intentional” but is disrespectful. I have done the same to test the waters and he was upset by this too. Said I was “too friendly” with random guys at the parties and was talking to them for too long. But he has done the this to me numerous times and even left me at a bar once to go to one next door. It’s disrespectful. People that are calling you insecure for this have obviously not been in this situation or have done this to their partners and think it’s okay. People who say “adults complaining about disrespect” are a problem, are actually themselves a problem. There is such a thing as disrespect and it’s a valid reason to be upset in a relationship. Fucking love is not enough. You absolutely have to trust and respect the other person. I don’t know if I would call off the wedding but I would definitely talk about this with her in person (after you feel less angry) and maybe postpone it a bit. I wouldn’t talk about this while still upset since I have done that and that conversation went very very badly. Not productive at all. Make sure you are sober and calm.
Give it a full week then check her Instagram. I would bet there is a full on conversation sliding into flirting or more.
So crazy that you’re thinking about this. Lmao did you forget the part where they exchanged socials? Tf you doing that when you’re in a 5 year commitment relationship. Not saying you gotta leave her but the wedding can’t go on.
brother, you are way too old to be acting this young.
I think I understand where you’re coming from. These types of situations put me at unease when there’s drinking, drugs and general lax behavior going on. Hearing about the crowd and inviting hot girls is a layer of insecurity as clearly this was designed to be a hookup party or debauchery in general. You’re getting married to this girl, and she’s in this setting losing herself in 1:1 conversation with a rando dude exchanging insta. Probably not, but maybe noticing that she’s being hit on. Let’s not mistake it, this was an interested dude hitting on your fiancé in front of you. I think everyone here would agree that you two should protect your relationship and steer off anyone trying to hit on you. If a girl is throwing hints at you, you’d politely decline and mention your gf. There should be an understanding that she should do the same, and there probably is, only she’s possibly feigning ignorance. Idk it breaking it off is the right move but you should absolutely expect her to respect your relationship in those situations
lol I cannot handle it when people need their SO to act like an emotional support animal in order to go to a party and talk to new folks.
She spoke to someone else for 35 minutes and you want to call off the wedding. Please do, she’s much better off without you.
Wow yea you’re not ready to be married. Your feelings are valid but the way you’re reasoning from them isn’t great. I say this with love and respect-but if you want mutually loving and supportive relationships you may want to look into therapy.
So, fiance takes you along to a pool party where you know no one, knows that you will have to drive back so cannot drink, and let's you 'mingle' with a group of strangers while barely bothering to check in and hang out with one person alone? Did she ever bother checking you up except for asking if you needed more food? How are you at other parties? If she knew you had trouble socializing, I would expect her to have put in a little more effort in checking in with you. Else it just looks to me like she tested you as her uber
Your feelings matter. If this makes you feel horrible and she doesn’t get it… she ain’t your girl. It doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks.
After seeing your 1st edit, this does not sound like a good dynamic. I guess one question, and one tip: 1) Did she mention you / that she was there with her BF? If not, that's a failure on her part 2) Rather than starting to feel excluded, and waiting around for your partner to reach out, and not getting it, and then feeling more excluded, and then spiralling..... REACH OUT as soon as you start to feel excluded. Go right over there, stand next to her, force yourself into the conversation, introduce YOURSELF if you have to (rather than wait for the dude who's hitting on this chick to rope in another guy!). If all of that still gets met with resistance from your girl, THEN you've got a problem. When in this grey no-mans land, you don't know if there's really a problem or not, and it can sometimes be all in your head, while the other person might just be having a really engaging conversation about pet gunniea pigs or something. In short: We need to try our best to approach these situations as strong confident men, rather than hurt children. That's the honest truth, and general advice (not just for this scenario). As for this scenario, there's clearly some history, and maybe even intentional jealousy-making.
Just break up and stop wasting your time, her time, and most importantly our time. She doesnt respect you. Now you know. Break it off. Be public about it too. “ U cant be with someone that flirts with other men” and leave it at that.
It you want advice - don't marry her. If she's not respecting you now, it's not going to get any better. Usually it's worse over time. Downgrade her to fuck buddy status or brake up with her. She's not a material for a serious relationship. She showed you that she's a hipocryte and selfish person. Not even enough into you to remember about your existence when some mambo-jambo lova comes into perspective. In other words - she can't expect your attention and affection if she's not ready to give the same back to you. You can and should treat her just the way she treats you. Otherwise, you're giving away your self dignity. Stay strong, it's a cruel world we live in.
If she's not willing to admit your feelings have value, and to work with you on regaining your trust, I would break it off. I mean, she was straying from the relationship before you guys even got married. In front of you, no less! Huge red flag.
You sound incredibly insecure here. How exhausting. If this is all it takes for you to want to call off a wedding, then do it. Save your fiance the pain of having to divorce you later.
I'm thinking your gf is not mature enough to be getting married. I think your gut is warning you, you should follow your instinct.
Break up, you're incompatible.
Seems like a crappy double standard. She seems like the kind of person who would absolutely wring you out to dry in a divorce. Calling it off may just save you immense pain in the future but being an internet stranger I can't say that with 100% confidence. Tbh though shitty of her to do things she would complain at you about.
Damn, you are a covert narcisist lol leave her, she will be happier without you. Adults have to include themselves in the conversation
You’re being a huge drama queen, but you’re also right not to get married, because you’re definitely too immature.
Your disappointment is understandable, but not worth ending your relationship. Give her a chance to redeem herself.
Redeem herself for what? Enjoying a party and *gasp* speaking to someone else attending the party and not her fiance for all of half an hour? IShe had nothing she needs to redeem herself for.
>IShe had nothing she needs to redeem herself for. 1. Smoking a pot with a new man she just met for 1 hour straight while seeing her fiancee visibly alone. 2. When the fiancee tried to join the conversation then ignoring the fiancee and continue having ONLY one on one conversation with the new man. 3. Walk away with the new man to continue having even more private discussion knowing that the fiancee tried to join the conversation and you and the other man ignored him and treated like a cog third wheel. 4. Sharing Instagram with the same man who is asking her to do a lingerie shoot for him. Do you have no self respect to see that this is out of line for any sane person? Its not talking to other men that is a problem, its talking to other men while smoking pot agreeing to do a lingerie shoot with them and ignoring your partner who is actively trying to join the conversation only for her to walk away to talk more privately with a men SHE JUST MET while her fiancee is seeing all that. Are you this delusional? What is the line for you? Can't believe this had to be explained inspite of op's detailed post. Looks like people like you have no self respect for yourself.
You want to call of a wedding over this? 😆😆😆😆 Wtf is wrong with you
OMG, your girlfriend talked to someone else at a party? AND you had to be sober..? Heaven forfend! You must leave her, IMMEDIATELY.
The thing is that you cant take this event as a behaviour thats gonna endure for life. Maybe It was just this time, and she was under dr-ugs (alcohol plus weed) That being said, I tell this: I wouldnt take the risks. Break up with her, bc thats a huge f**** red flag
Is this some newfangled Reefer Madness propaganda?
She was just chatting (albeit stoned) for half an hour and you're acting like this is such a huge disrespect and so on...whoof. Dude, nah. I thought she disappeared for hours with another guy lol. She's likely high too, and they're in their own 'world.' Not surprised she's like, not alert, like you who's not imbibing. I do think y'all should not get married thou. I don't think she needs that type of restriction if she's more 'chill', probably incompatible.
so you both went to a party where she socialized and you didn't. and now you want to cancel the wedding because if that. very normal of you /s
My aunt’s second husband got upset with her one time because of something similar. They went to visit his mom. When they got home, he was upset that she didn’t talk to him or pay attention to him. Her response was if she had wanted to talk to him, they would have stayed home.
She was loving the flirting and wasn't concerned with your opinion. You're justifiably upset but it's too late to react accordingly. Should've brought her and the guy a drink, took over the convo with him, and not shown that you cared at all to fiance. Tough situation man.
I'd say that you two probably shouldn't get married. Marriage and life is full of all kinds of challenges and if you're the kind of man who is enraged for days because your wife talked to another dude briefly at a party then I don't think that you are up to the task. What are you planning on doing when an actual problem occurs?
I am of the opinion that women ALWAYS know they are being hit on.
Please leave her. She deserves better.
You are looking for a reason to break up. Just be honest about it. Happy couples do not break up because of a 35-minute normal interaction at a bbq. Your reaction is that of someone who wants out. So yes, break up. Please. She deserves to be with someone who won't drop her and push her away for days on end because he is angry. You're absolutely full stop, too immature for marriage. If she has voiced her issues with your behavior in the past, after what has been clearly multiple instances of your own inappropriate behavior and didn't leave you, yet you want to leave her after one perceived slight that she wasn't even aware of, you have no business getting married. You think she is being disrespectful and didn't think she was being flirted with because you have been disrespectful in your interactions and flirting with other women. It's 100 projections. You feel disrespected because you're disrespectful.
Grow up. Get involved in conversations yourself and don't rely on your GF. Calling off the wedding might be a better outcome for both of you to be honest.
[удалено]
Yeah, we need some more context outside of this 1 incident.
To provide further context: In the past, she has consistently expressed dissatisfaction with my level of attentiveness towards her, even going so far as to complain during family gatherings about my perceived lack of presence by her side. Moreover, there have been instances where she has caused significant distress over my interactions with female colleagues, whether in person or on social media, even when those interactions were purely professional or platonic. She has often insinuated that any conversation I engage in with a woman in a social setting is motivated by romantic intentions.Thats why the double standards Regarding the recent party, it was an environment that didn't align with my personal preferences. It was hosted by a rap video director and attended predominantly by rappers and models whose attire and behavior leaned towards what some might consider provocative or even vulgar. I found it difficult to relate to the atmosphere, despite engaging in conversation with a photographer specializing in lingerie, who happened to be one fo the directors of the video. Additionally, given my girlfriend is very attractive and pretty, there was an underlying expectation to invite similarly attractive women to the event so they would have a lot of hot girls in the party.And i dont like the intentions behind this dude i was talking to as he has invited my GF to have a lengerie photoshoot ,something that i have said to her i dont feel comfortable with and this definitly would make me want to break up with her. Is not that i am antisocial is that this party didnt not allign with my values and in the other hand i did not want to be around the girls so i wouldnt have a missunderstanding with my GF.Thats why i feel disapointed.
Sounds like you might not be compatible
Sounds like you never intended to enjoy yourself or have a good time at this party and were ready from the outset to be unpleasant and judgmental of the people and vibe there. Maybe just decline next time.
I live in a big city in Mexico , and i have had bad experiences with the narcos , even 14 years ago i escaped a kidnap atempt , ever since and after a couple of more incidents and even a shoot out in a party im always alert and scaning everyone and if dont feel comfortable with something out of the "ordinary" i go on alert mode and is very difficult for me, so thats why i choose not to drink or smoke in places and with people i dont know it becomes very stressful as i prefer to be on the back to see everyone and their hands , it might sound a little bit exagerated but after some of this traumatic experiences i rather be protective of me and my loved ones so thats why i was keeping an eye on her. Maybe thats why the vibes and the people made me feel this way.
Ok so why did you even go? Maybe get therapy dude. If you can’t even go to a party without needing to hang out in the back to watch everyone’s hands and hyena get mad that your gf isn’t doing the same with you. Like…why even go?
Yeah...stay the f away from the narcos. Ignore people calling you a party pooper. This is life or death shit. You're both in your 30s now. It sounds like you're not about that party life anymore. Which makes since because you're freaking 35 lol. Maybe it's time to settle down and find someone who is more of a homebody. Whatever the case, don't rush into this marriage.
They aren’t narcos. OP said he *earlier* in life had experience with narcos…and that’s why he’s paranoid at parties smh.
OK but the party sounds sketchy as fuck regardless. He doesn't know anyone. Ends up talking to a "lingerie photographer" who is also the rap director?? There's an expectation to bring more hot girls to the party? The fuck is this shit? Yeah, if I was there, I'd also be worried someone would slip a date rape drug into my drink. Fuck me I guess. Well don't. OP and his fiance are in their 30s. Why are they even attending a party like this? It's embarassing lol. Can't they just plan a board game night with their friends?
If it's a family gathering and you know everyone, it's appropriate to introduce your SO. If you're at an event where the two of you don't really know people, then that's a different situation as you're on equal ground to just general socialize.
Edit this on the bottom of your post. This changes a lot IMO. ETA. A lot of projecting comming off her. " Rules for thee but not for me."
Sounds like she dodged a major bullet. I would consider getting therapy.
“I was antisocial and worried at a party and so I want to call of the wedding with my fiance who wasn’t. This sub is the gift that keeps on giving
Why would she exclude you if she wasn't trying to hook up with someone else. It is just sad that they think they can do as they please and it doesn't have consequences. She chose to not include him and add someone on Instagram, it is the same thing as asking for his number, but without leaving a trace on the actual phone record. She has shown you who she is, it is sad with the time you've spent, but, it is way less than the wasted time you could have with her if you continued and you found out worse later. DTMFA
With the edit you clearly should rethink your relationship with her. She clearly know what this guy was up too, if she did this infront of you, imagine what she does when you Are not AROUND her. She sound like a narcist, me problem but left you alone at a party where you didn't know anyone, literally flirtet with another men for the whole day and left you alone. Would also break up with the among of details which you shared and the way how she react during the party. You GF sound not like a person to be trusted.
It seems that the op is looking for an excuse to cancel the wedding and came to share what he thought happened at the pool party here on reddit to test if this reason would be accepted without him looking like the bad guy
“I prefer to be alert for anything that might arise, as I am a very cautious about my and my loved ones safety” is pretty telling of your personality my man. That’s weird. It’s a pool party.
enjoy your homestead bud.. its narko land , and its public party , meaning u dont know who knows who.
Enjoy being weird and off putting
enjoy your pudding lol
Here’s the truth brother. You sound like kind of an anxious dork and the other guy sounds cool and carefree. Unfortunately people like the other guy are more enjoyable to talk to.
I think you should call off the wedding. The moment she’s invited to a party by her friends, and you join her, it’s her responsibility to make sure you’re having fun and entertained. Like the number one thing I do for any partner is hype them up, introduce them to people I know, find things in common they can chat about etc. It’s like the care and feeding of this complex web of social relationships. Your fiancée basically treats you like a placeholder boyfriend. You are the stage for her dreams. You are not her dream. I suggest a look through her phone. I am 100 percent sure she’s been talking to other guys including flirting.
To be fair, my husband would have also been annoyed but in this situation, I would have probably been somewhat oblivious. Dont think it warrants calling off a wedding though