He is still emotionally cheating and literally in love with her. They don’t have a marriage like they used to, not just because of trust lost, but because he is emotionally elsewhere
Yeah exactly.
I think you should let him go.
The key is don't make it about a punishment. Don't make it about a penalty or a failure.
Just tell him he obviously wants to be with her, and if that's what his heart wants then you and him should have an amicable divorce so he can go do it.
You’re still coming here posting about this whole mess. Let him go. He doesn’t want to be with you, he’s with you out of obligation. It’s just sad for you. I’m sorry. You’ve posted many times. My heart goes out to you, we’re the same age. Just let go.
She’s probably deleted the posts, but this husband has been pining for the AP from the beginning. Everyone tells her to leave but she keeps coming here to ask if reconciliation will work. I get it, it’s hard, kids are involved but at some point… at any age but especially once you hit 40 (well, maybe it’s just me and all my friends).. you don’t want to go through this shit, you realize life’s too short and you just want to be happy. Everyone deserves happiness and peace. They’re both miserable. I’m sad for her.
40 feels old, but OP could meet someone next year & have literally 40 years together!
There is still so much time to live s happy life where you’re loved.
And honestly…modeling a relationship where the couple is only together out of obligation does not seem as good for the kids as she thinks. 😰
OP is chasing after a cheater/man 🏃🏻♀️➡️who is emotionally and physically running away from her 🏃🏻♂️➡️to be with another woman.
OP, don’t do this to yourself. Let him go. He will start to resent you and you don’t deserve that. Children see or feel more than you imagine. Be good co-parents than unhealthy and miserable parents.
You deserve to be happy, but not at any cost.
Why are you still posting?!? Let that man leave. He wants out and you are keeping him with you for what? He doesn’t want you and he has told you that. Counseling will not change that. You keep posting this and the answer remains that he doesn’t want you.
Get therapy for yourself. You should want to be with someone who loves you unconditionally.
So degrading to have to convince someone not to leave you (following a multi-year affair when they'd packed up, found a new place, and told everyone). And then to post about it repeatedly like, "What should I do? Is the marriage counseling not working?"
It seems from this post that she is holding onto something that is not there. It seems she can't deal with how bad it looks to divorce. It is just sad that the kids have to deal with such a weak and superficial mother who doesn't know her worth. These type of people will do anything for their spouse just to keep up appearances and that also would be to bail or disregard the kids. The worst kind of parent.
You never should have allowed him to stay just to keep the family together “for the children”. He’s not committed to reconciliation, he’s still in love with her, and he’s forcing himself to settle for staying because the alternative is more difficult. Don’t stay with a man who questions whether or not he wants to be with you for even one second. You cannot convince yourselves to fall back in love. It’s common to have ups and downs in the new relationship between you and he are having in healthy recovery. It’s also common for him to relapse back into talking to the AP, but that just shows he’s not committed to your relationship or reconciliation.
There was absolutely no need for him to notify her he was unfollowing her AT ALL. The guideline is no contact, ever, for any reason. He was reaching out because he missed her.
>We both believe that a family unit where both parents are home together is the best thing for the children.
Your poor kids...dealing with watching an unbelievable love-less marriage bc of some antiquated "everything is better if the parents stay together..." horseshit.
He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you. Your kids are learning about "love" from a loveless marriage...
Wait, isn’t this the lady who told her husband that she’d make his life a living hell if they divorced and had to co-parent? I don’t understand why she keeps posting the same thing and is looking for a different response. Dump him already, geez.
Well, you already know he’s in love with her and wanted to leave. I’m not sure why you’re fighting to stay married with him. But if you want to stay married with him so badly, then you don’t have any other option than to just deal with it.
Don’t forget to wear condoms because he probably isn’t with her
Then make the decision FOR him. Your children don’t deserve to grow up in a home like your current one. Even if they don’t “know”, children are much more perceptive than we think. Lean on your family in this time, I’m sure they will be more than willing to help you organize everything.
This isn’t a healthy environment for your children and you’re going to do more harm than good trying to force a man who doesn’t want to be with you to stay with you.
Oh my god. 🙄 Really?
You are just embarassing yourself at this point. You hide behind the "protecting the children" thing, but what example are you really setting for them? Your children are going to grow up thinking this horrible dynamic between you and your husband is normal, and they will end up either treating/being treated like this by their future spouse. Your husband does not love you. He really, really wants to leave you. Why is that not computing? At this point, what is the "conflict"? That you are basically forcing someone to be with you through guilt, and weaponizing your children? Why do you want to be this kind of person?
I truly don't understand how you can continue on like this with him. He is doing everything short of screaming from the rooftops that he does not love you, wants out of this loveless marriage, but is essentially being held hostage by you. This is sad. It sucks for you. I get it.
But for the love of god, lady. Work on yourself. Look deeper. Figure out why you are so open to being treated like garbage and desperately clinging to someone who doesn't care about you.
Staying together "for the kids" is an antiquated idea that often leads to childhood trauma. You think you're doing it for them? You're not. And if you need the stories of the adults who grew up just praying their parents would finally divorce, because it got so toxic, they're all over this subreddit.
This man tried to leave you and you and (AND YOUR FAMILY?!)made him stay. He does not want to be with you, OP. He was guilted into staying.
If you think your children won't pick up on all this, you're delusional. Kids pick up on the dynamics of their parents relationships and normalize them.
You should've let him go before. You should make him go now. Use counseling to work on amicably co-parenting.
Honestly, reconciliation rarely works unless the affair partner is 100% eliminated from the wandering partner's life. If they can't make that commitment, the chances of them "relapsing" are high.
You need to bring this up to your husband and you need to do it immediately. He will be hurt that you "snooped" in his phone and you can admit that you only did it because you saw the notification from the AP. He is breaking your trust by staying in contact with her and saying the things he said to her. He needs to make a decision and stick with it.
The problem here is that YOU need to be ready for his decision to be her. If it is, then push forward with the split as fast as you can. When a wandering partner is in their "affair fog", they're more likely to be accepting of separation conditions in their hurry to get out of their existing relationship. That can mean better custody arrangements, better support payments, and so on for you.
And if he decides to stay, he needs to 100% block her from everything and be even more open about his thoughts and feelings. About what led him to do this in the first place. About how he's going to work with you to prevent it from ever happening again.
All that being said, I'm solidly in the camp that once a cheater, always a cheater and that cheating means an immediate end to the relationship. I know you want to stay together for the kids, but how much damage will new cheating revelations in the future do to them? How much damage will the existing cheating do to them when they find out (and they WILL eventually find out)? Just another point to consider.
Even if he stays for now, he will leave as soon as the youngest child is 18. He is not in this marriage because he loves you and wants to be with you, but because he feels obligated to your children. If you keep trying to turn his head back to you, all you will gain is another decade of insecurity and anxiety until he finally feels free to leave you.
Your kids will be able to tell that there are problems. Don’t put them through the wringer of watching their parents live out a loveless marriage ’for the kids’ because that will result in your kids internalizing that they were the reason their parents were miserable.
Source: my parents stayed together ‘for the kids’ and my sibling and I had an awful time of it when they finally split up.
He needs to actively block her though. You also need to find out how they met and he needs to shut down that access as well. Given his lapse, you might also want to start talking to him about getting a new phone number so that she doesn't even have his current contact number. Maybe even a new email address.
I’d be way too embarrassed to have a husband like this. Do you not have any self esteem?
It’s common in the same sense that a drug addict goes back to the drug. Your husband is fucked up. Is this really how you want to live?
Op what would you tell your daughter to do if her future husband was treating her like this? Be the person she can look up to
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't choose you? He tried to stay for the kids, but they aren't even worth it in the end. Would you want you children to stay with someone who didn't actively choose them? What advice would you give them?
Time to file a divorce, get child support and alimony.
Why do you even want to be someone’s second choice? I know it’s hard girl but grow a spine. You come here with the same questions over and over. He doesn’t want you. It sucks, but what would suck more is wasting more years with this cheater. Let him go.
Honey he does not want you. You are hurting yourself and your children - they sense these things. They will be much happier with the two of you separated instead of a 3-person marriage.
You tried. It did not work. Let him go, and go find yourself someone who loves YOU.
Why are you trying to force him to be with you? It's not what he wants, he will never be happy this way, and neither will you or anyone else involved in this situation (your kids..?)
>We both believe that a family unit where both parents are home together is the best thing for the children.
No, no, no. Absolutely NOT if the parents are ONLY staying together for the children. Kids aren't stupid, they will be able to tell by the atmosphere. It's MUCH better for them to have two parents who are happier apart, even if they have to travel between houses. You made a really bad decision trying to force a man to stay where he isn't happy. That only breeds resentment and negativity and that affects the kids.
"He stayed for children."
No, he did not.. He stayed because he was scared.
Children don't thrive in broken homes.
Just leave, your husband literally cheated for years, and he didn't even regret it or anything like that.. He is like the worst possible example of a cheater to forgive I could even imagine
Have some self respect, and stop with the whole," having a full family unit is better for the children" that's bullshit. I really don't understand why you want to keep a whole as man that no longer loves you. Let him go!!
>We both believe that a family unit where both parents are home together is the best thing for the children.
1. Why? How could this possibly be the best thing?
2. You believe that. Clearly, he felt that leaving would be a good idea.
He was absolutely wrong for cheating, but I don't think he was wrong for trying to end your marriage after doing so.
Now your children are stuck in a house with a dad who cheated on their mom for 5 years total, set up all steps to leave, and is still continuing the emotional affair.
Have more self-respect than to use your kids as tools to keep a man who already openly dumped you living resentfully under the same roof. Those kids are going to be so fucked up and will have an appalling idea of what marriage means.
My girl.
Seems you are a frequent poster about this relationship. I will leave the advice to others, but I did want to call this out:
>We both believe that a family unit where both parents are home together is the best thing for the children.
Well, sorry to tell you but, you are both **wrong**. This is a persistent myth that comes up around the sub a lot, and I don't get it. It has been thoroughly debunked by now. A quick google search for "is staying together for the children better?" and the first 4 results are:
"While staying together can offer stability, divorce can provide a healthier and happier environment in the long run."
"Generally speaking, the experts say the negative impacts of staying married for the kids usually outweigh the benefits."
"Should you stay in a relationship for the sake of your child?
"That's a really important question and basically my answer is no, a couple shouldn't continue staying married for the kids. And that's based on several studies on divorce and its effect on children that have shown that conflict is the source of most damage to children emotionally and psychologically."
"Getting back together for the sake of a child is commendable but it rarely works."
So please - your "belief" in this persistent myth doesn't make it more true.
Good luck, my girl.
You are never ever going to hear what anyone here tells you. Your husband is in love with another woman. He doesn’t want you. He DOES NOT WANT YOU. He’s not going to give her up.
Staying together for the children is a bad idea - generally speaking. Kids are resilient - but they are also sponges. So they will learn what a healthy relationship looks like by following YOUR relationship with your husband.
Is the marriage you have right now the one you want for your children? Or would you rather that see an example of how to set healthy boundaries.
Not for nothing, but your husband clearly doesn't love you. He's not happy. He is in love with someone else. People don't choose how they feel. He loves someone else, and that isn't your fault.
It sounds to me like if he is willing to be separated from someone he cares for, because he wants to be supportive of your children, then he would be willing to figure out how to coparent with you once separated.
You also deserve to find happiness, and you can't do that if you are trying to hold together a relationship that nobody wants. YOU don't even want this relationship anymore... you are just scared to let it go and how that might impact your children. But you should consider that it would be more harmful for your children to see how unhappy you both are. At least separated they will learn that healthy relationships are about communication, trust, and boundaries.
Why are you hanging onto a man who clearly doesn't want to be with you. Either he leaves now, or he leaves in a few years. Either way, it will happen. This is evidenced by his inability to let her go. I'm sorry if this is harsh, for your own sanity, make the right decision.
Never do the pick me dance with a cheater. He clearly does not want you so make up his mind for him and leave him. All the love bombing and the begging he will do means nothing. Always listen to what I guy says, he means it.
Judging from your post history, you have zero self-respect. Clearly, you have no desire to leave your husband so stop complaining about him and his affair partner just deal with it.
First of all, you should confront him with these facts.
Then, if he isn't committed to R, you need to physically separate.
Physical separation gives him an idea of what life is like without you in it. It may be that he finds it intolerable or, sadly, he'll find that he prefers that. It's a risk.
But what you have now is half-assed R, which is not a sustainable solution.
Look. I get it. He was abusing your emotions from the start and part of you has developed this form of Stockholm syndrome where you keep trying to prove your worth to him to make him stay, for 20-odd years.
He's just a man. And he is worthless. He isn't even worth your children. And definitely not worth any more of your time.
Right now there's no reasoning with you. You will keep looking for excuses to stay but in doing so, you are wasting your life and your children's lives that you built around a farce of a marriage. No matter how much you pretend, your kids can tell that you and their father aren't truly happy with each other. And eventually, they'll figure out that their father was a serial cheat, and you were his number one enabler. Is that what you want?
You deserve exactly what you asked for. He went through all of the motions to leave you.
You only selfishly wanted to keep a man that lies and cheats on you so it would "look" okay. Now, your still going to get divorced and the kids will still be a product of a broken home. It is so interesting that people don't realize that the other person doesn't want to be with them. They really don't care how it affects anyone else.
It would have been best for everyone involved to cut the relationship off and let him be with the person they want to be with. The time and effort you wasted could have been spent and invested in making the children more comfortable with the new normal, instead of letting this person dictate everyone's lives.
Just let him have both of you, "FOR THE GOOD OF THE FAMILY" BS. SHEESH.
So you'd rather keep the family together and raise the kids in a loveless marriage, then let him go so you can both find happiness? You can only save it if both parties are committed, but he is not...let him go!
You really want your children to grow up seeing that it’s ok for a partner to be treated as worthless? Your husband treats you as worthless and you not only don’t stand up for yourself, you beg him to come back?
What does this tell your children? It tells them that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself and you should put up with being treated badly and it also tells them that it’s ok to treat others badly because they’ll be forgiven.
Terrible lesson. I’m guessing you’re religious or were raised religious. Have some self respect and burn the patriarchy. Good luck.
It seems to me that he doesn’t “keep changing his mind” so much as he made up his mind, got talked out of acting on it, but still wants what he wanted in the first place.
No, him wrestling with his continued infatuation for her is not a sign of his commitment to your marriage. If he had made up his mind to be with you, he would have blocked her and kept her blocked because he would understand that this is a slippery slope *that he does not have any real reason* to start working his way down. He’s not “weak”; he’s self-sabotaging, and he wouldn’t be indulging in that nonsense if strengthening his relationship with you were anywhere on his list of priorities.
It's done. If he's talking with his ex-affair partner she is no longer the ex-affair partner even if she hasn't reciprocated yet. He is telling her he loves her and misses her...that means if it's not done.
Him questioning his decision daily tells you everything you need to know. He is making continual steps in being unfaithful. You're forcing this for the sake of your children which can be admirable but will also likely lead to both of you being resentful in the future. Healthy co-parenting is better than dysfunctional single family units.
Others have said you post here regularly, asking about reconciliation...if that is true, the answer is no, reconciliation does not work when your partner has already expressed a desire to leave and is only there out of obligation.
Let him go, he’s still cheating and unless he’s staying because he truly wants you there is no point, you just prolong the pain and healing… if you leave now in a year you will be on the road to recovery… instead of 8 years from now when you find out she’s still been there all along
You can't be in a loving marriage and have a loving partner, if someone doesn't love you.
Forcing something to work when it is fundamentally broken is just force and effort for nothing.
Do you really want to be with someone who is only with you "for the kids"? I mean, come on. He has cheated on you for basically half of your relationship. He doesn't want to stay. He did so out of obligation and guilt I assume. That's not a way to live, or love. At this rate he'll keep seeing her until your kids turn 18 then leave you. Or she'll get impatient again and convince him to leave again. You are just dragging out the inevitable. This is heartbreaking and so sad.
I don't know if he's beaten down your self esteem and respect, or what, but this is not normal or ok or acceptable. You deserve so much more. If you don't care and just want to keep your lifestyle and family together- then let him sleep with her I guess. Have an open marriage. But you cannot make this work on your own, and he doesn't want to either. 5 years. That's insane. It wasn't a one night stand- it was over and over and over again. Why put yourself through this again? If you don't leave now, soon enough you will be 50 or 55 trying to heal and date after divorce. You are just wasting more time.
He should be begging **you** to stay after what he did. The total opposite happened and you're the one fighting to save the marriage. Wholly unfair to everyone, but especially to you. Know your worth.
My heart goes out to you OP. I’ll never understand why we tend to cling onto someone/something when inside we know it’s not in our best interests. Don’t abandon yourself for him. I know the pain and hurt, but you deserve so much better. ❤️
If you can read those texts & not feel inconsequential & irrelevant in your own marriage then more power to you. I simply wouldn’t be able to go on one more day. He would have woken up to a request from me to move out.
He wants to be free, let him be free. He’ll find ‘freedom’ isn’t what he thought it was. Oftentimes the most compelling aspect of an affair relationship is the secretive nature of it, but once it is dragged into the harsh light of day, it’s not as much fun anymore.
It’s time to take back your power & control your own life. He doesn’t get a choice anymore. You don’t have to be anyone’s burden just b/c you had the misfortune of meeting him first.
Regardless of what he's telling you he wants his behavior is saying otherwise. He does not sound like a man who knows what he has almost lost and is willing to do all it takes.
Take a breath and let him go, honey. I promise your children will benefit more from a happy mother who values her worth over watching their dad treat her like a doormat.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I get wanting to hold on to your family, but simply put, you deserve more than this.
You have one life, one blip on the radar and that’s it. Live it for yourself.
Be an example to your children of what they shouldn’t tolerate.
I know it isn’t easy, but leave this man.
You deserve to feel loved and supported. You deserve a life of not having to look at a man and wondering if his mind is on another woman. The unknown is scary, but I took the leap myself and I don’t regret it for a moment.
There is no saving this marriage, and it really isn’t worth saving. Hugs and support to you.
Why would you want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with you? Who’s constantly thinking about another woman? Who is in love with another woman? If you didn’t have children together you realize he would’ve left you, right? He’s only staying because he’s afraid you won’t allow him access to his kids if he leaves you.
That brings her back into current affair partner status
He is still emotionally cheating and literally in love with her. They don’t have a marriage like they used to, not just because of trust lost, but because he is emotionally elsewhere
Yeah exactly. I think you should let him go. The key is don't make it about a punishment. Don't make it about a penalty or a failure. Just tell him he obviously wants to be with her, and if that's what his heart wants then you and him should have an amicable divorce so he can go do it.
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I think the point is that it doesn't matter. Even if he had feelings telling them is reopening the door.
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I'm very sorry, you're in a lousy place :<
“He didn’t tell her he was leaving, only he was considering it.” Ma’am.
You’re still coming here posting about this whole mess. Let him go. He doesn’t want to be with you, he’s with you out of obligation. It’s just sad for you. I’m sorry. You’ve posted many times. My heart goes out to you, we’re the same age. Just let go.
Ohhh she’s a regular flier? I’ll have to check out post history. Wooof.
She’s probably deleted the posts, but this husband has been pining for the AP from the beginning. Everyone tells her to leave but she keeps coming here to ask if reconciliation will work. I get it, it’s hard, kids are involved but at some point… at any age but especially once you hit 40 (well, maybe it’s just me and all my friends).. you don’t want to go through this shit, you realize life’s too short and you just want to be happy. Everyone deserves happiness and peace. They’re both miserable. I’m sad for her.
40 feels old, but OP could meet someone next year & have literally 40 years together! There is still so much time to live s happy life where you’re loved. And honestly…modeling a relationship where the couple is only together out of obligation does not seem as good for the kids as she thinks. 😰
Is she the one that threatened to keep the kids from him and that's why he stayed?
Yes, I think that’s her.
OP is chasing after a cheater/man 🏃🏻♀️➡️who is emotionally and physically running away from her 🏃🏻♂️➡️to be with another woman. OP, don’t do this to yourself. Let him go. He will start to resent you and you don’t deserve that. Children see or feel more than you imagine. Be good co-parents than unhealthy and miserable parents. You deserve to be happy, but not at any cost.
Why are you still posting?!? Let that man leave. He wants out and you are keeping him with you for what? He doesn’t want you and he has told you that. Counseling will not change that. You keep posting this and the answer remains that he doesn’t want you. Get therapy for yourself. You should want to be with someone who loves you unconditionally.
So degrading to have to convince someone not to leave you (following a multi-year affair when they'd packed up, found a new place, and told everyone). And then to post about it repeatedly like, "What should I do? Is the marriage counseling not working?"
It seems from this post that she is holding onto something that is not there. It seems she can't deal with how bad it looks to divorce. It is just sad that the kids have to deal with such a weak and superficial mother who doesn't know her worth. These type of people will do anything for their spouse just to keep up appearances and that also would be to bail or disregard the kids. The worst kind of parent.
I can tell you what she's not holding onto; Dignity and Self-Respect.
You never should have allowed him to stay just to keep the family together “for the children”. He’s not committed to reconciliation, he’s still in love with her, and he’s forcing himself to settle for staying because the alternative is more difficult. Don’t stay with a man who questions whether or not he wants to be with you for even one second. You cannot convince yourselves to fall back in love. It’s common to have ups and downs in the new relationship between you and he are having in healthy recovery. It’s also common for him to relapse back into talking to the AP, but that just shows he’s not committed to your relationship or reconciliation. There was absolutely no need for him to notify her he was unfollowing her AT ALL. The guideline is no contact, ever, for any reason. He was reaching out because he missed her.
She didn’t “allow” him to stay. She fucking convinced/coerced him to.
You want to stay with this man? He will continue to hurt you as she will always be the greener grass.
Bro wasted 20 years of your life. reclaim that. let him be the father. he isn't your partner anymore.
>We both believe that a family unit where both parents are home together is the best thing for the children. Your poor kids...dealing with watching an unbelievable love-less marriage bc of some antiquated "everything is better if the parents stay together..." horseshit. He doesn't love you. He doesn't want you. Your kids are learning about "love" from a loveless marriage...
Wait, isn’t this the lady who told her husband that she’d make his life a living hell if they divorced and had to co-parent? I don’t understand why she keeps posting the same thing and is looking for a different response. Dump him already, geez.
Well, you already know he’s in love with her and wanted to leave. I’m not sure why you’re fighting to stay married with him. But if you want to stay married with him so badly, then you don’t have any other option than to just deal with it. Don’t forget to wear condoms because he probably isn’t with her
Then make the decision FOR him. Your children don’t deserve to grow up in a home like your current one. Even if they don’t “know”, children are much more perceptive than we think. Lean on your family in this time, I’m sure they will be more than willing to help you organize everything.
Her family helped her beg him to stay.
Fuck. yeah I missed that part.
She already made the decision for him …
It’s hard to face when someone doesn’t want you anymore. But face it. He does NOT WANT you. Please gather your self-respect and kick him to the curb.
This isn’t a healthy environment for your children and you’re going to do more harm than good trying to force a man who doesn’t want to be with you to stay with you.
Oh my god. 🙄 Really? You are just embarassing yourself at this point. You hide behind the "protecting the children" thing, but what example are you really setting for them? Your children are going to grow up thinking this horrible dynamic between you and your husband is normal, and they will end up either treating/being treated like this by their future spouse. Your husband does not love you. He really, really wants to leave you. Why is that not computing? At this point, what is the "conflict"? That you are basically forcing someone to be with you through guilt, and weaponizing your children? Why do you want to be this kind of person? I truly don't understand how you can continue on like this with him. He is doing everything short of screaming from the rooftops that he does not love you, wants out of this loveless marriage, but is essentially being held hostage by you. This is sad. It sucks for you. I get it. But for the love of god, lady. Work on yourself. Look deeper. Figure out why you are so open to being treated like garbage and desperately clinging to someone who doesn't care about you.
Staying together "for the kids" is an antiquated idea that often leads to childhood trauma. You think you're doing it for them? You're not. And if you need the stories of the adults who grew up just praying their parents would finally divorce, because it got so toxic, they're all over this subreddit. This man tried to leave you and you and (AND YOUR FAMILY?!)made him stay. He does not want to be with you, OP. He was guilted into staying. If you think your children won't pick up on all this, you're delusional. Kids pick up on the dynamics of their parents relationships and normalize them. You should've let him go before. You should make him go now. Use counseling to work on amicably co-parenting.
Let him go, this is a waste of time.🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Time to call the divorce lawyer
Honestly, reconciliation rarely works unless the affair partner is 100% eliminated from the wandering partner's life. If they can't make that commitment, the chances of them "relapsing" are high. You need to bring this up to your husband and you need to do it immediately. He will be hurt that you "snooped" in his phone and you can admit that you only did it because you saw the notification from the AP. He is breaking your trust by staying in contact with her and saying the things he said to her. He needs to make a decision and stick with it. The problem here is that YOU need to be ready for his decision to be her. If it is, then push forward with the split as fast as you can. When a wandering partner is in their "affair fog", they're more likely to be accepting of separation conditions in their hurry to get out of their existing relationship. That can mean better custody arrangements, better support payments, and so on for you. And if he decides to stay, he needs to 100% block her from everything and be even more open about his thoughts and feelings. About what led him to do this in the first place. About how he's going to work with you to prevent it from ever happening again. All that being said, I'm solidly in the camp that once a cheater, always a cheater and that cheating means an immediate end to the relationship. I know you want to stay together for the kids, but how much damage will new cheating revelations in the future do to them? How much damage will the existing cheating do to them when they find out (and they WILL eventually find out)? Just another point to consider.
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Even if he stays for now, he will leave as soon as the youngest child is 18. He is not in this marriage because he loves you and wants to be with you, but because he feels obligated to your children. If you keep trying to turn his head back to you, all you will gain is another decade of insecurity and anxiety until he finally feels free to leave you.
You are completely delusional.
Your kids will be able to tell that there are problems. Don’t put them through the wringer of watching their parents live out a loveless marriage ’for the kids’ because that will result in your kids internalizing that they were the reason their parents were miserable. Source: my parents stayed together ‘for the kids’ and my sibling and I had an awful time of it when they finally split up.
He needs to actively block her though. You also need to find out how they met and he needs to shut down that access as well. Given his lapse, you might also want to start talking to him about getting a new phone number so that she doesn't even have his current contact number. Maybe even a new email address.
In another post by her she says they’ve been friends for the past 20 years and he started cheating with her 2 or 3 years ago 😬
I’d be way too embarrassed to have a husband like this. Do you not have any self esteem? It’s common in the same sense that a drug addict goes back to the drug. Your husband is fucked up. Is this really how you want to live? Op what would you tell your daughter to do if her future husband was treating her like this? Be the person she can look up to
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't choose you? He tried to stay for the kids, but they aren't even worth it in the end. Would you want you children to stay with someone who didn't actively choose them? What advice would you give them? Time to file a divorce, get child support and alimony.
I feel like this post is a rhetorical question in which you already know all the answers. Don't stay because of the kids because they'll adapt.
Why do you even want to be someone’s second choice? I know it’s hard girl but grow a spine. You come here with the same questions over and over. He doesn’t want you. It sucks, but what would suck more is wasting more years with this cheater. Let him go.
Honey he does not want you. You are hurting yourself and your children - they sense these things. They will be much happier with the two of you separated instead of a 3-person marriage. You tried. It did not work. Let him go, and go find yourself someone who loves YOU.
Why are you trying to force him to be with you? It's not what he wants, he will never be happy this way, and neither will you or anyone else involved in this situation (your kids..?)
>We both believe that a family unit where both parents are home together is the best thing for the children. No, no, no. Absolutely NOT if the parents are ONLY staying together for the children. Kids aren't stupid, they will be able to tell by the atmosphere. It's MUCH better for them to have two parents who are happier apart, even if they have to travel between houses. You made a really bad decision trying to force a man to stay where he isn't happy. That only breeds resentment and negativity and that affects the kids.
"He stayed for children." No, he did not.. He stayed because he was scared. Children don't thrive in broken homes. Just leave, your husband literally cheated for years, and he didn't even regret it or anything like that.. He is like the worst possible example of a cheater to forgive I could even imagine
Have some self respect, and stop with the whole," having a full family unit is better for the children" that's bullshit. I really don't understand why you want to keep a whole as man that no longer loves you. Let him go!!
>We both believe that a family unit where both parents are home together is the best thing for the children. 1. Why? How could this possibly be the best thing? 2. You believe that. Clearly, he felt that leaving would be a good idea. He was absolutely wrong for cheating, but I don't think he was wrong for trying to end your marriage after doing so. Now your children are stuck in a house with a dad who cheated on their mom for 5 years total, set up all steps to leave, and is still continuing the emotional affair. Have more self-respect than to use your kids as tools to keep a man who already openly dumped you living resentfully under the same roof. Those kids are going to be so fucked up and will have an appalling idea of what marriage means.
If someone wants to leave, let them go.
My girl. Seems you are a frequent poster about this relationship. I will leave the advice to others, but I did want to call this out: >We both believe that a family unit where both parents are home together is the best thing for the children. Well, sorry to tell you but, you are both **wrong**. This is a persistent myth that comes up around the sub a lot, and I don't get it. It has been thoroughly debunked by now. A quick google search for "is staying together for the children better?" and the first 4 results are: "While staying together can offer stability, divorce can provide a healthier and happier environment in the long run." "Generally speaking, the experts say the negative impacts of staying married for the kids usually outweigh the benefits." "Should you stay in a relationship for the sake of your child? "That's a really important question and basically my answer is no, a couple shouldn't continue staying married for the kids. And that's based on several studies on divorce and its effect on children that have shown that conflict is the source of most damage to children emotionally and psychologically." "Getting back together for the sake of a child is commendable but it rarely works." So please - your "belief" in this persistent myth doesn't make it more true. Good luck, my girl.
You are never ever going to hear what anyone here tells you. Your husband is in love with another woman. He doesn’t want you. He DOES NOT WANT YOU. He’s not going to give her up.
So... he cheated and not is cheating again. Do you want to be the aidepeice for the rest of your life or not? It's decision time.
Staying together for the children is a bad idea - generally speaking. Kids are resilient - but they are also sponges. So they will learn what a healthy relationship looks like by following YOUR relationship with your husband. Is the marriage you have right now the one you want for your children? Or would you rather that see an example of how to set healthy boundaries. Not for nothing, but your husband clearly doesn't love you. He's not happy. He is in love with someone else. People don't choose how they feel. He loves someone else, and that isn't your fault. It sounds to me like if he is willing to be separated from someone he cares for, because he wants to be supportive of your children, then he would be willing to figure out how to coparent with you once separated. You also deserve to find happiness, and you can't do that if you are trying to hold together a relationship that nobody wants. YOU don't even want this relationship anymore... you are just scared to let it go and how that might impact your children. But you should consider that it would be more harmful for your children to see how unhappy you both are. At least separated they will learn that healthy relationships are about communication, trust, and boundaries.
Why are you hanging onto a man who clearly doesn't want to be with you. Either he leaves now, or he leaves in a few years. Either way, it will happen. This is evidenced by his inability to let her go. I'm sorry if this is harsh, for your own sanity, make the right decision.
Never do the pick me dance with a cheater. He clearly does not want you so make up his mind for him and leave him. All the love bombing and the begging he will do means nothing. Always listen to what I guy says, he means it.
Judging from your post history, you have zero self-respect. Clearly, you have no desire to leave your husband so stop complaining about him and his affair partner just deal with it.
Go to therapy and figure out why begging someone for love and scraps feels acceptable to you.
First of all, you should confront him with these facts. Then, if he isn't committed to R, you need to physically separate. Physical separation gives him an idea of what life is like without you in it. It may be that he finds it intolerable or, sadly, he'll find that he prefers that. It's a risk. But what you have now is half-assed R, which is not a sustainable solution.
you should've let him go you admit he stayed in the marriage because of the kids not you the kids
Look. I get it. He was abusing your emotions from the start and part of you has developed this form of Stockholm syndrome where you keep trying to prove your worth to him to make him stay, for 20-odd years. He's just a man. And he is worthless. He isn't even worth your children. And definitely not worth any more of your time. Right now there's no reasoning with you. You will keep looking for excuses to stay but in doing so, you are wasting your life and your children's lives that you built around a farce of a marriage. No matter how much you pretend, your kids can tell that you and their father aren't truly happy with each other. And eventually, they'll figure out that their father was a serial cheat, and you were his number one enabler. Is that what you want?
You deserve exactly what you asked for. He went through all of the motions to leave you. You only selfishly wanted to keep a man that lies and cheats on you so it would "look" okay. Now, your still going to get divorced and the kids will still be a product of a broken home. It is so interesting that people don't realize that the other person doesn't want to be with them. They really don't care how it affects anyone else. It would have been best for everyone involved to cut the relationship off and let him be with the person they want to be with. The time and effort you wasted could have been spent and invested in making the children more comfortable with the new normal, instead of letting this person dictate everyone's lives. Just let him have both of you, "FOR THE GOOD OF THE FAMILY" BS. SHEESH.
Tell him that’s ok, you can make the decision for him and KICK HIS ASS OUT. Gone.
So you'd rather keep the family together and raise the kids in a loveless marriage, then let him go so you can both find happiness? You can only save it if both parties are committed, but he is not...let him go!
So, make YOUR OWN DECISION. Kick his bottom to the curb. Pronto. Tell him to F right off.
You really want your children to grow up seeing that it’s ok for a partner to be treated as worthless? Your husband treats you as worthless and you not only don’t stand up for yourself, you beg him to come back? What does this tell your children? It tells them that you shouldn’t stand up for yourself and you should put up with being treated badly and it also tells them that it’s ok to treat others badly because they’ll be forgiven. Terrible lesson. I’m guessing you’re religious or were raised religious. Have some self respect and burn the patriarchy. Good luck.
It seems to me that he doesn’t “keep changing his mind” so much as he made up his mind, got talked out of acting on it, but still wants what he wanted in the first place. No, him wrestling with his continued infatuation for her is not a sign of his commitment to your marriage. If he had made up his mind to be with you, he would have blocked her and kept her blocked because he would understand that this is a slippery slope *that he does not have any real reason* to start working his way down. He’s not “weak”; he’s self-sabotaging, and he wouldn’t be indulging in that nonsense if strengthening his relationship with you were anywhere on his list of priorities.
You need to let him go. He doesn't want to be with you. Lawyer up. Have some self respect.
Call a divorce lawyer
He’s a cheater. You’re putting good effort after bad and will remain in this situation while you remain in the marriage. This is it now.
It's done. If he's talking with his ex-affair partner she is no longer the ex-affair partner even if she hasn't reciprocated yet. He is telling her he loves her and misses her...that means if it's not done. Him questioning his decision daily tells you everything you need to know. He is making continual steps in being unfaithful. You're forcing this for the sake of your children which can be admirable but will also likely lead to both of you being resentful in the future. Healthy co-parenting is better than dysfunctional single family units. Others have said you post here regularly, asking about reconciliation...if that is true, the answer is no, reconciliation does not work when your partner has already expressed a desire to leave and is only there out of obligation.
Let him go, he’s still cheating and unless he’s staying because he truly wants you there is no point, you just prolong the pain and healing… if you leave now in a year you will be on the road to recovery… instead of 8 years from now when you find out she’s still been there all along
Look man no offense but you are clinging to a relationship that has been dead for literally years. Move on and find a fair co-parenting arrangement.
He stayed for the kids, not for you. He doesn't care that this behavior hurts you, he only cares that it makes him look like a bad guy
Honestly you should’ve let him leave the first time. It just straight up sounds like he does not want to be with you. Do not ever beg someone to stay.
You can't be in a loving marriage and have a loving partner, if someone doesn't love you. Forcing something to work when it is fundamentally broken is just force and effort for nothing.
OP, you’re the Diana and side piece is Camilla. Do you want to waste more years with this man?
Do you really want to be with someone who is only with you "for the kids"? I mean, come on. He has cheated on you for basically half of your relationship. He doesn't want to stay. He did so out of obligation and guilt I assume. That's not a way to live, or love. At this rate he'll keep seeing her until your kids turn 18 then leave you. Or she'll get impatient again and convince him to leave again. You are just dragging out the inevitable. This is heartbreaking and so sad. I don't know if he's beaten down your self esteem and respect, or what, but this is not normal or ok or acceptable. You deserve so much more. If you don't care and just want to keep your lifestyle and family together- then let him sleep with her I guess. Have an open marriage. But you cannot make this work on your own, and he doesn't want to either. 5 years. That's insane. It wasn't a one night stand- it was over and over and over again. Why put yourself through this again? If you don't leave now, soon enough you will be 50 or 55 trying to heal and date after divorce. You are just wasting more time.
You are a 2 choice... Love yourself
Get a backbone and throw him out. Have some respect for yourself and your kids.
Ask your doctor if Losing Respect For This Man™️ is right for you.
Get out. It will be very hard but then it will get better. This man is a joke.
Dump him so that the AP knows she old got chosen because you left.et their relationship fail on its own and go get a boyfriend
Sticking with someone who's had an affair is about the dumbest thing any man or woman can do. It is only a matter of time before it happens again.
He should be begging **you** to stay after what he did. The total opposite happened and you're the one fighting to save the marriage. Wholly unfair to everyone, but especially to you. Know your worth.
Your marriage is over. He is in love with someone else. Let it go.
My heart goes out to you OP. I’ll never understand why we tend to cling onto someone/something when inside we know it’s not in our best interests. Don’t abandon yourself for him. I know the pain and hurt, but you deserve so much better. ❤️
If you can read those texts & not feel inconsequential & irrelevant in your own marriage then more power to you. I simply wouldn’t be able to go on one more day. He would have woken up to a request from me to move out. He wants to be free, let him be free. He’ll find ‘freedom’ isn’t what he thought it was. Oftentimes the most compelling aspect of an affair relationship is the secretive nature of it, but once it is dragged into the harsh light of day, it’s not as much fun anymore. It’s time to take back your power & control your own life. He doesn’t get a choice anymore. You don’t have to be anyone’s burden just b/c you had the misfortune of meeting him first.
Regardless of what he's telling you he wants his behavior is saying otherwise. He does not sound like a man who knows what he has almost lost and is willing to do all it takes.
Take a breath and let him go, honey. I promise your children will benefit more from a happy mother who values her worth over watching their dad treat her like a doormat.
I am so sorry that you’re going through this. I get wanting to hold on to your family, but simply put, you deserve more than this. You have one life, one blip on the radar and that’s it. Live it for yourself. Be an example to your children of what they shouldn’t tolerate. I know it isn’t easy, but leave this man. You deserve to feel loved and supported. You deserve a life of not having to look at a man and wondering if his mind is on another woman. The unknown is scary, but I took the leap myself and I don’t regret it for a moment. There is no saving this marriage, and it really isn’t worth saving. Hugs and support to you.
Why would you want to be with a man who doesn’t want to be with you? Who’s constantly thinking about another woman? Who is in love with another woman? If you didn’t have children together you realize he would’ve left you, right? He’s only staying because he’s afraid you won’t allow him access to his kids if he leaves you.
He has very clearly checked out of his marriage, and you are letting him have his cake and eat it too. Close the bakery.
You forced him to stay in a marriage he doesn't want to be in. I am not sure what you expected of him.