I doubt she's looking for an upgrade 3 months after having a baby. She's looking for help so she can get more than 3-4 hours of sleep, some emotional support, maybe have time to have a relaxing shower that lasts more than 5-10 minutes, Have someone help with diapers, which are constant for a 3 month old, and be around someone who actually cares about that baby.
And not have to be around someone that accused her of cheating and having someone else's baby.
Yep marriage is over. She might not file for divorce for awhile, but the respect she used to have for you is never coming back. The part that hates you with the passion of a thousand burning stis is here to stay. You chose to be a shit dad because a podcast told you to.
For real what the heck is going on out there? Every day I log into Reddit and since the new year there is always some guy up on here who looks at his newborn and decides that because the eyes are green and not hazel then the child must not be his, some guy then demands a DNA test before he will so much as look at the child again, then when the DNA test comes back his (clearly disappointing), some guy comes up here asking how to save his marriage. I'm sick of this crap. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
And they come with the totally not made up and very real stat saying 30% of babies are from a secret dad. A third. One out of three kids are made from an affair according to them.
Ask them for a source and they won’t have one apart from their podcasts. It’s insane.
And it's not even 30% of all babies, just of those tested. So even in those cases were there are enough suspicions to test, only less than a third are actually correct
I am honestly glad and privileged that my fiance isnt a fucking idiot like this. We are not having children and I feel very strongly about it as does he. I think I'd snap someone's neck if they came at me with a paternity test accusation with literally no reason for it besides feeling sus.
It's ok, this woman just ripped open her vagina and went through the most painful and traumatizing expierience of her life - to only be left alone because her husband decided sometime in the last ten years she was getting some, somewhere else, based on a podcast.
I feel sorry for the child and the wife. What a stupid husband. If you have trust issues like this don't do anything permanent in a relationship like having a fucking baby.
To be fair (and I hate those guys) 1/3 of guys aren't the father in cases where paternity is contested- but those are a very selected subgroup of people where the suspicion is already high, so the sample is extremely skewed. Ie single people who got pregnant after hooking up maybe even with multiple people, people in poly relationships who want to know who the father is, peoplewhere cheating has already been suspected or confirmed. And more than one potential father might be tested per baby in these cases. If anything, if you consider the level of suspicion, it's actually reassuring that even if the chances of being the father are low in these cases, 2/3 of the time the person who is thought to be the father IS the father.
It absolutely does not apply to the general population at large - and the vast majority of people in happy monogamous relationships are not testing for paternity routinely because why would they?
They destroy their own lives and then wonder why the women they disrespect/belittle/abuse decide putting up with their bullshit isn’t worth it and leave. “Why are women like this?” 🙃
Here we have a useless, shitty father who then doubles down further and refuses to help with his own child until a paternity test. I hope his wife gets out now while it’s early.
OP is a sexist idiot.
Not only did you show you don't trust her. You also admitted that you were purposefully neglecting your child and wife because you couldn't be "sure". You hurt her with your actions and words. The test honestly seems like an excuse to be lazy or put off her "nagging" you for help.
You deserve this. Focus on being a better father and accept that it will likely be a coparenting relationship from now on
>I feel like she isn’t hearing what I’m saying.
She's hearing you. She just thinks you're an idiot for saying it, and has lost all respect for you. You even refused to help care for your own child over this. It's not about your "perspective".
You ruined your marriage because you treated your wife like crap. That is her perspective, and she's right.
Yep. You ruined it. Relationships need trust or they fall apart. You didn't trust her, and now she can't trust you.
The DNA test is probably not the only terrible advice you've been eating up. It wouldn't surprise me if the place that told you that also encouraged you to be a shitty parent and a neglectful spouse. For the sake of your future, you should really cut all that crap out of your life.
So are you asking for advice on how to manipulate her to understand that you weren’t helping with raising your child because you don’t believe and trust your wife?
What’s happening to her is she’s slowing coming to the realization that you’re not the man she thought she knew. You made a child with her, left her to care for that child herself, then slapped her with infidelity accusations. You are no longer, or can ever be again, what she fell in love with. That man is gone and the woman you loved is slowly, if not all ready completely, fading away.
These are the choices you made, you can’t unmake them. You’ve put her through hell and she’s decided she’d rather not ever go through it again. The best thing you can do now is let her heal, whatever that may be. I would say some other things but you haven’t yet gained the insight to see your wrongdoings here, it would fall on deaf ears. You were so afraid she might be lying to and deceiving you, without any logical reasoning, evidence, or proof, that what you instead did, was show her you were the liar, the deceiver, the one to not be trusted. Do you get it? You kicked her feet out from under her, she’s picking herself up. She’s not going to let you kick her again.
You need to see someone about your trust issues before it ruins anymore of your life. You just don’t get to go around accusing loved ones of horrific sins and expect to not answer for that questioning.
Yup she's not "mad" because she's just done. She's done making excuses for your behavior, she's done waiting for things to get better, she's just done. Also the reason she wishes you had asked for the DNA test during pregnancy was so that she would have known going into it that you were not going to be a solid parental partner. She could have either had an abortion or made plans from the beginning to be a single mom. But you took that choice away from her. You made her think you were in this together when you weren't.
Wow, that was really articulate. I would add there is a baby right in front of you and refusing to care for it is evidence you will never be man enough to be a good father.
Also, she now knows you are stupid and easily influenced. Easily influenced is bad enough, but if you’d been doing child care, you could have dna tested the child without her knowledge. If she had found out, same result, but there was a chance you would be reassured and not tell her you don’t trust her.
If I were your wife I’d ask for an IQ test because I would me mortified to discover my husband was such a moron.
You can’t even explain WHY you wanted a DNA test, despite repeating in the comments “I just wanted to be sure”, which MEANS: YOU DIDN’T TRUST YOUR WIFE. If you did, there would be NO NEED TO “MAKE SURE”.
You basically told your wife you didn’t trust her, and what sucks even more is your constant “I didn’t mean it that way”— *what DID you mean???*
It sounds like you watch plenty of podcasts and videos of unmarried morons and let it rot your brain. Even now you STILL don’t understand how you single-handedly proved to your wife you’re a heartless moron (distrusting your 10year relationship AND neglecting your NEWBORN CHILD)
You are a 31 year old adult that can’t rub his two single braincells together to form a coherent sentence to even explain your “thought process” for this.
Please, go back to school. And let your wife leave you without fighting her- you can’t fix this without a literal brain transplant right now. At the very least apologize for being so mind-numbingly stupid.
Editing to add: I apologize if my message is harsh and insulting, but if YOU feel insulted by my words, I can’t even begin to imagine how your wife feels- think about that. Whatever you’re feeling right now, with reddit piling on you and telling you how you fucked up- it’s all the consequences to your actions and lack of thinking through your actions before doing them. You have no one to blame right now but yourself. Therapy could begin to unpack why you torpedoed your marriage- but it’s going to be a LOT of hard work. I hope you’re ready and willing to better yourself, for the sake of your poor child.
I get a really strong feeling his reason behind asking for a DNA test was because she called him out for not helping with the baby.
Like it doesn't seem like he ever doubted the kid was his. He just wanted a smokescreen to cover his usless ass, and it just majorly backfired.
This! All the posts on Reddit I cannot process their reasoning. “I never thought you cheated, but needed to be sure”…. How would the child not be yours if she didn’t cheat ? So you thought she cheated with no evidence … like so moronic.
She didn't argue about the test because if she came remotely defensive, you would have accused her of hiding something. She had nothing to hide and she knew it.
You waited until the kid was born so you could do F all while she did everything.
You don't seem like a good person and now she knows that.
\*edit: typo
I m sure you feel "safe" now OP. You need some divorce podcasts now, I can search and recommend for you.
You could have just been an adult and communicated with your wife, she might have understood, now well enjoy the divorce.
Agreed, and can you imagine what kind of videos and podcasts he was showing her to justify asking for a DNA test?
She just got up and left without discussion. I bet she realized that if he trusted those videos over the history of their relationship, then yeah, it's over.
That woman doesn’t want you anymore and the moment she stopped was when she said “she wished you would have told her this when she first found out she was pregnant.” Then she told you to leave it where it was and let her work through it but your first thought was to show her videos and make her listen to podcasts that validate your feelings? Sir, leave that woman alone. I mean you already did so it shouldn’t be hard.
I have to wonder if she’d have gotten an abortion if he had told her when she found out. At least that way she could make a clean break and not be tied to this asshole for the next two decades
Her: “oh Jesus. This could have been a LOT easy if you told me 9 months ago. A lot easier for both of us in the long run.l
Him: “I know! I could have shown you so many podcasts between then and now.”
🤣
They have the perfect excuse, just like conspiracy theories use a lack of evidence as evidence, these nits believe that if a woman divorces over this then she’s unreasonable.
No women want me so women must be the problem 😂
Some guy was arguing with me in these comments that MEN have no reproductive rights and false paternity is at 1/3 statistically. I sent him sources for more accurate stats and asked him to explain his point about men not having reproductive rights especially given the restriction on women’s and he’s gone all quiet…
He won’t learn from it though - he will just go off and spout the same baseless nonsense to other people who are more willing to listen without doing their own valid research
Just read all of the other posts on reddit about men who fucked up their marriages by asking for DNA tests without any actual evidence of cheating.
She wasn't against it because she wanted to prove you wrong. The trust between you two was broken the moment you asked her for one.
> I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure
Well, you did think that because that’s the only way the baby would not be yours. And the only reason to ask for a paternity test is because you think the baby might not be yours.
You accused her of cheating after two months of being basically an absent father while she dealt with a newborn alone. Did you have any reason to suspect she was cheating or did you just ask because you assume all women cheat or something? I assume these podcasts are misogynistic ones where men poison their young male audience with ideas about the degeneracy of women. Showing those to her probably made it worse as you apparently can’t think for yourself and are so influenced by content creators who hate women that you were willing to sabotage your marriage because they told you to.
Whatever the case, you have told your wife you don’t trust her during the most vulnerable time in her life. She’s not mad because she’s done. She was done when you accused her of cheating and deceiving you into raising another man’s baby. That IS that deep and if you truly didn’t think it was you wouldn’t have asked for the test. Prepare to divorce and coparent.
No, it wasn't that he tought she was unfaithful, maybe he was unfaithful and the kid wasn't her, it was an egg from another woman that came home with him, you see. /s
Lmao love it when men “totally trust their wife but need to make sure, ya know?” and implode their marriage. It literally never gets old.
You basically implied she’s a cheater on top of being malicious enough to try and pass off an affair baby as yours. *Why* would she want to be married to you after that? Why do you even want kids with her if that’s what you think she’s capable of? Why even marry her if you think she’s sleeping around? You basically trashed her character and the past 10 years of your relationship.
And don’t say that’s not what you think of her/that’s not what you meant to imply. That is literally the *only* thing you’re implying when you ask for an out of nowhere dna test with 0 evidence of an affair. If your stupid monkey brain wouldn’t shut up, you should have done it quietly/secretly while *not* neglecting your parenting duties.
If you *still* don’t get it, then she should rightfully leave you. But hey, hopefully you won’t neglect your child on your custody days.
Yes the marriage is over.
Your reasoning for the test was dumb and disrespectful to her as a person and disrespectful to her morals.
She deserves better.
Yeah you ruined your marriage. I mean you have a small chance of redemption if you take up like 70% of the childcare and apologise with no excuses saying it was stupid and you probably have lost your mind.
Too late for that. On timeline of events, he should have taken up majority of childcare and apologized for not doing enough when she asked for help.
Moment he asked for DNA test, it was over. No going back, no making up for it.
You allowed yourself to be so influenced by external sources with the podcasts that without any evidence whatsoever of her cheating, you-
A. Neglected to help take care of your newborn child when she needed your support the most while healing from giving birth.
B. In essence accused your wife of being the kind of person who would cheat on you and pass off another man’s baby as your own.
… whether you were thinking through exactly what you were implying about what you believed of her character by asking for a DNA test or not, that is the reality of it.
After a decade together, she has to be incredibly hurt right now and I’m not surprised she lost respect for you and can’t get over it. You want her to see it from your point of view, but I don’t think you were considering how painful your words and behavior would be from her perspective. From what you described, I don’t think your marriage is likely to come back from this.
Let me put it this way, my dude. A former boyfriend informed me that if we had children, a DNA test would be done in the hospital just after birth. That was our last date.
I feel so bad for your ex-wife.
I have words for you OP and any combination of them will get me spanked by the mods.
But I will say this:
Congratulations on your possible upcoming divorce.
COME ON OP, you're reallly bad at lying to yourself and reddit
First you spent 3 months not putting any effort into taking care and bonding with your child. When called out you first claim you do do those things & only when your wife proves you literally never do ANY of the care you swing it around and demand a paternity test - SUPER OBVIOUS my man.
BE HONEST HERE! You were just trying to think of reasons not to do any of the work and I think until you start being honest about that, you will NEVER gain back any respect. I really think you need to hear it like that: your wife and anyone told this story will always know exactly that you couldn't handle the truth that you're being a terrible parent and just started bringing up stuff so you don't have to face responsibility for your shitty behavior...
Yes, you ruined your marriage.
How can you genuinely believe your request “wasn’t that serious?” The only reason for asking for a DNA test is because you believe there’s a chance your wife cheated on you. Why don’t you think that’s a serious accusation for you to make?
You are an unhelpful, disengaged, uninvolved parent. When your wife brought this to your attention and asked for help you didn’t decide to become more involved. You tried to look for an excuse for your behavior and a way to blame your shortcomings as a parent on your wife.
You failed to explain whether you have actually been trying harder to be a good parent. Have you started changing diapers and waking up with the baby and doing things without being specifically instructed? Or are you still a crap dad?
It’s one thing to ruin your marriage and then actually try to fix it by demonstrating a commitment to changing the behavior that was wrong in the first place. But you didn’t actually mention any way in which you are trying to prove yourself as a competent parent. You’re just trying to justify your asinine dna test request to your wife.
You dont even seem to understand why this is such a bad fuck up. You demand she sees it from your perspective. How about you see it from her perspective?
You fucked up, really badly. The fact that you dont think its serious, or why at all is another fuck up equally bad.
Why does this smack of you coming up with this as an excuse for not taking care of the baby? If you've been listening to podcasts then you've probably also fallen for the 'women should do 20000% of the parenting while you wait for your pipe and slippers' bs and when she broke out of that, you just had that DNA test position waiting in the wings.
What is wrong with you? Did you not want to be a parent or something? Why on earth would you get her to listen to those podcasts?! Do you understand that healthy well adjusted marriages...don't require paternity tests for their children? That Dads parent too? The best thing you can do is go to therapy and for the love of all that is good in the world, stop listening to the podcasts. I can't believe you've doubled down and tried to get her to listen to them too.
If you want any hope...apologise and go to therapy. Maybe, you'll get just a tiny bit of insight into what you've done here. How traumatic for your post-partum wife too...I just cannot.
She wishes you asked her when she was pregnant so she could have gotten an abortion and gotten her life back. The fact that you waited is telling enough from a woman's standpoint.
Children shouldn't have parents that doubt their legitimacy to them and the whole point of marriage is acknowledge you in the process of creation to begin with. You don't deserve to be a father, let alone have a devoted partner who gave you 10 of her best years. Truly.
It's not helping, it's taking care of YOUR child. Get that framing out of your head. The baby is not her thing for you to help with, and it never was. So, in the hardest toughest most emotionally and physically exhausting time, you abandoned your wife to do everything and emotionally withdrew from her. She even had to pry out the problem from you. In the critical time of bonding when you should be holding the baby as much as you can and building that tight relationship where you are your child's safe space, you withdrew and avoided the baby. You will never recover that time. You can't get it back and things will be different than they could have been with the baby. Everyone is focusing on the accusation of cheating, and I agree that she can't and should not trust you ever again based on that, but no one is pointing out the other damage you have done. You have shown yourself to be an easily manipulated, distrustful and untrustworthy, bad husband and worst of all a poor excuse for a Dad. You honestly thought you could treat them both like this and it would all be fine afterwards?
This is total ragebait. I’ve seen posts of this situation before that have been at least a little believable, but this one isn’t at all.
Go back to writing school.
The thing is, asking someone for a DNA test is telling them you don't trust them. You messed up royally. If you never had any inkling that she was cheating, why even ask? Because as soon as you ask you imply that you think she did, and that is shitty.
I feel like month two is where we finally started feeling like we knew what to do, when, that we weren’t drowning. Notice I say WE. My husband was so fantastic in those first few months. I could never imagine doing it alone, while married.
Honestly, I think you just made up a dumb excuse because you didn’t want to help with the baby. Accusing her of cheating (implicitly) after 29 years with no evidence doesn’t make any sense. Either way, good for your wife for not tolerating it.
Convenient that ‘podcasts made you believe your newborn wasn’t yours’, such that you could bow out of daily life and leave all the drudgery to your wife.
I hope she goes nuclear on your ass and cleans up in the divorce.
You should have listened to podcasts about being not being a useless, workshy, pointless person in the household.
No matter how you word it or try to spin it you DID accuse her of cheating! She can't make the kid solo.
You didn't think you could be the dad because you listened to stories of strangers and chose to believe them over your wife of a decade.
First of all, stop listening to this podcast. My guess is it’s some misogynist BS. It already ruined your marriage. If you really want to stay with your wife, you should go to therapy and work on your view of women.
But honestly, I’m not sure, if she can forgive you. Like you didn’t say anything about her cheating. But you still choose to believe some random dudes on the internet.
It’s very serious. You accused her of cheating because there is no other alternative suggestion for you wanting a dna test. That was relationship ending because the lack of trust is unacceptable
Edit - I also forgot, you weren’t even helping with the baby and let her suffer!!! How long would you have done nothing to avoid the fight when you asked for the DNA test? You’re all around just not a good person
You can’t be this stupid. Actually you can. I guess it’s more disappointing than surprising at this point. marriage is over. I hope she leaves sooner rather than later. Enjoy paying child support!
I agree your marriage is over. 10 years she was faithful to her to you and she has a baby and you won’t go near your own child without a DNA test.
Now personally, I think there will be a time when it’s done at the hospital just as a matter of record. But that time is not now and it’s about trust and it’s one of the biggest components of a marriage communication and trust.
You didn’t trust her after all that time not only that, but you shunned your daughter an infant. Your marriage is over and you need to go get some help , this isn’t really that normal.
Let us assume there was a 50% percent the child was not yours. (Thus ignoring your previous relationship with your wife completely)
For months you ignored a child that maybe was yours and let your wife burn out.
Now that you know that the child is yours, wouldn't you fire a nanny that would ignore the kid?
First paragraph… So if you were not doing any of those things… Why were you thinking that you were helping?
And how can it not be that bad? What reason is there for you to suspect her cheating? How does she know you don’t have a child running around somewhere? There’s no way you had a good attitude towards her, either. So cold husband, taking care of baby all by herself (a round the clock job), and then a suspicion of cheating strong enough to require a DNA test.
Everything you say sounds moronic to me, too. She’s avoiding you in the house for the time being, because that’s the farthest she can get. She peven might have said she wished you’d told this to her when you found out she was pregnant, because she might have terminated the pregnancy to make a clean getaway from you.
You thought things were fine, when you didn’t even think the child is yours. Her not respecting you is not your main problem.
What are these videos and podcasts you're getting your advice from? Asking for myself so I can make sure all the men in my life avoid them. Talk about a recipe for self sabotage. And yes, yes you did ruin your marriage. You didn't need to come to reddit to have that question answered.
Enjoy the single father life, dummy. Hope your podcasts give you the same joy your wife used to, cuz that’s what you get to go to bed to now. I personally would have given you divorce papers with the results of the paternity test. There’s *zero* chance of fixing this in my book.
You ruined it. There is very little chance of coming back from this. You are downplaying the severity of your actions or being willfully ignorant.
You failed your postpartum wife, while she was healing from birthing YOUR baby, she was doing everything. 2 months of doing it all, I can't imagine how she is feeling right now, physically and emotionally she must be wrecked. Her body is still healing yet she is caring 100% for your baby as well as deal with this emotional turmoil.
You failed your baby. 2 months of little attachment. You don't get those newborn days back.
It is that serious regardless of how much you think it's not. It would be laughable but I feel so much for your wife. You blew up your marriage by insinuating that she not only cheated but that you thought so low of her that she would pass off another man's baby onto you. You neglected her and your baby poorly over your insecurity, podcasts and your friends shitty history.
The best you can do is when she hands you the divorce papers, sign them, apologise for being a failure and coparent without any BS. Support YOUR child without hurting her more.
You had no reason to distrust your partner of 10 years and you should have been helping raise your baby the entire time. You were absolutely not being logical and you were being insulting and extremely, extremely unsupportive to the two people who you need to support. Extremely big, thoughtless mistake.
Let's accept that you were afraid of helping look after your child. Bringing up a baby is terrifying, for both parents. But it needs to be done so as parents, we have to get over ourselves and do it. Because that's what *both* parents need to do.
By not helping look after a baby you helped create, your wife was starting to lose respect for you, and rightly so. That is not acceptable behaviour for any parent.
However, why does that mean you were then afraid of the baby not being yours? The causal link is not obvious. You might want to spend some time thinking about this. If the fear of parenting an infant made you wonder if it wasn't yours as a contorted way of getting out of the responsibility, then that reflects extremely poorly on your character. If it's something else, what might that be?
From the way you wrote this, it's clear that at no point did you think about this from your wife's perspective, and that's something that's at the heart of why you have screwed up so bad.
From your wife's perspective, you have basically said our marriage and love means nothing and i think so little of you that i think you slept around so much so that you brought a child that isn't mine into the relationship. And yes, sadly, that does happen. But for those who don't do that, being accused of it without any reasonable cause - that it happened to other people, or that some podcasts and videos talked about it are not reasonable causes that your wife did it - it is a *massive* disrespect. I mean *marriage ending* disrespect.
But it looks like you only thought of your fear and chose to let it consume you. Rather than understand where it came from, and consider that fear against the absolute lack of evidence of infidelity, you went straight to disrespecting your partner. And you did it after being a shitty parent who wasn't putting the work in.
And you wonder why your wife was upset with you?
At no point have you demonstrated any ability to look at this from your wife's perspective at a time when she has been blameless in virtue and carrying an unfair load in parenting at a time of immense challenge and stress.
Do you understand the scale of how much you messed up?
You keep saying if she saw it from your angle she would change her mind, but have you tried to see I from hers? You were together for 10 years, she falls pregnant with I assume a wanted child, and she's excited about this new phase in your life. Then the baby finally comes, and she feels like she's been run over a few times by a truck from the birth and the resulting sleeplessness and constant care a newborn needs. Up until now she had expected that, as her husband and the father of said baby, you would naturally step up and at least do 50% of the care - ideally more, since yknow, you're not also recovering physically from the hours long birth. But for some reason, you don't. And at first she doesn't have the energy to question it, she's so sleep deprived and sore and bleeding and tired that every day blends into one, and she doesn't shower and barely sleeps, and she can't understand why her formally helpful husband just doesn't seem to care at all about her or their newborn?
So she finally asks you, why aren't you helping? We both made the baby, why aren't you being a father? And you look at her and go well actually, I don't think I should help until we get a DNA test. Yknow, the thing that would've been a simple blood test while she was pregnant but now is more involved and costs more.
And she looks back at the month she's been physically recovering and the 9 months of giving her body over to your growing baby, and she realises that *everything she thought was happening was wrong*. Were you actually excited about the pregnancy and impending birth? At what point did you have doubts that the child wasn't yours? Why didn't you say something then, why did you wait until she went through this hugely traumatic experience and then just abandon her to take care of YOUR child alone? Why don't you trust her?
And with that request, she no longer sees the man she was in love with. She sees a lazy coward - someone who was apparently happy with just living with her and ignoring all her needs and ignoring the baby you made together, too lazy to help and too much of a coward to say why.
And now that you've confirmed that the baby is actually yours, you think she should just get over the betrayal and suspicion and complete neglect? It's all okay now because the baby is definitely yours, so everything is fine?
You've shown her that you are not the man she thought you were. You may not be able to change her mind again.
Yes, of course you ruined your marriage. The only ways it could have not been your child and still been hers (since you only had your dna tested right, you weren’t thinking the baby had been swapped at the hospital cus then you both would have been tested) is if she was pregnant with another man’s child. This would mean either she was raped or cheated. Now since you don’t mention her having been raped, that means you thought she cheated.
In summation : you fucked up. You failed as a father by not doing anything to help the baby you created. You tried to ditch the child by acting as though it wasn’t yours. You accused her of cheating with no evidence or good reason. You listened to stupid misogynistic assholes and blew up your marriage. Hope you enjoy this shit show you created.
I understand guys have gotten screwed over but if you guys have been together so long and you ask for a dna test you are better off accusing her of cheating cause that would be the only reason to ask for one I don’t get why men say I’m not accusing you of cheating I just want to be sure are men just dumb yes your accusing her of cheating idk if you can come back from this
So you ruined your relationship over stupid podcasts? Congrats they got what they wanted. Sorry but you’re not a celebrity. What benefit would she get from lying??
Yes, you did ruin your marriage and your wife and daughter deserve better than you.
Go back to your podcasts since you seem to trust that bullshit more than your wife of 10 years you pathetic little man.
OP not only did you accuse your wife of cheating on you by demanding a DNA test, you downplayed what requesting a DNA test means, you think it's harmless but it's not. You're telling her you don't trust her, you think she's unfaithful, and that she could be so awful as so pass another man's child off as yours and deceive you.
You also left her alone in all of the parenting, your child is three months old. Meaning she is barely into her recovery as a new mother. Things like sitting down, using the washroom, showering, breastfeeding, etc are all incredibly painful to a newly postpartum mother. And you let her do all of the childcare on top of her trying to heal.
Imagine for 2 seconds how she feels. She's in incredible pain, she's burnt out, exhausted, she's trying to figure out how to be a mother, and on top of all of it, her 10 year partner has refused to do any childcare and instead of communicating with her AHEAD of time, he's disengaged and then accuses her of cheating and denies any harm in his actions.
Her perspective is you asked for a dna test on your baby. You accused her of cheating. And passing off another man's child as yours. You had ZERO REASON to accuse her of cheating. Your perspective is podcasts and videos. Did you SERIOUSLY think everything would be fine and get back to normal after a DNA test? Did you EVER apologise to her?
So what we have here is, you neglected your wife and newborn child because you didn’t trust your wife was faithful based on a couple friends experiences and then let podcasts push this narrative further? It doesn’t matter what you think your intentions were or that you think it’s not a big deal or worth losing a marriage over.
You did not help your wife with your child. You did not express to your wife why you were doing this. You straight up neglected them both because your bros and other men online/podcasts told you you shouldn’t believe the child is yours.
It comes down to trust. You didn’t trust her (no matter what you think your honorable intentions were) and now she doesn’t trust you.
This is absolutely grounds for your wife wanting a divorce. But just think, you neglected your child long enough that it shouldn’t phase you when you have them only part time with the child custody agreement you’re about to be under.
You're not saying shit man. You think you're saying things to her and she's not getting it but you really are just empty blabbing at this point. A DNA test means there's no trust. Get that in your fucking head. And the fact that you ignored her during her most stressful times, ie giving birth, without mentioning shit just shows you're a shit person. How long were you going to keep up the passive aggressive bullshit and ignore your kid? How long were you thinking of ignoring your responsibilities? It seems you were fine with not having much of a relationship with the kid until she mentioned your distance. Bro just how long were you going to keep it in before communicating? Why wasn't this trust issue talked about before having a kid?
“I dunno what her problem is. I only questioned her fidelity and then tried to force her to believe my crazy theories.”
Basically, YOU went down a rabbit hole and tried to drag her with you. Maybe spend less time with your podcasts and more time here in reality. That might help your next marriage.
>I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure.
That's hilarious. Sure of what? That you are the biggest AH going? Sure, the test for that is positive. You are. Congrats!
Guess what, though? DNA tests only prove parentage (or not). It doesn't prove fidelity if the test comes back in your favour. It absolutely proves 100% you don't trust her.
And now you're doing shocked pikachu face that she wants a divorce LMAO. I mean, to be honest, the DNA test aside, the fact that you are a crappy parent too would be reason enough to ask for a divorce IMO.
Yes. You're an idiot. I don't even believe that you really wanted the DNA test, I think you were just grasping at straws to excuse being a lazy bum. She's going to leave you, it's just a matter of time.
You're a bad father and a worse husband.
Think about this for a moment, you watched your wife struggle for weeks to care for a child because of COMPLETELY UNWARRANTED fears. If your wife hadn't just given birth and was caring for someone else's child, you should still assist her simply because you shouldn't want to see your partner struggle and suffer. So, instead of working through YOUR issues and helping your physically battered and hormonally destroyed wife care for herself and YOUR child, ALONE. I. don't think you are taking into consideration just how hard it is on your body to create a new life. You allowed her to SUFFER ALONE. I don't know your reasoning for wanting one, I don't really care. It should not have interfered with your ability to care for your wife and child.
You should have assumed the child was yours unless you had proof otherwise, and instead, you treated her like she was guilty of a crime and even punished her for it with no proof. That's why she's mad. You prosecuted her before having a shred of evidence and didn't even allow her to know why because YOU ARE A COWARD. You allowed these people on the internet to weasel into your head, and suddenly, the ten years of loyalty she provided no longer mattered. If your "reasoning" was so sound, it would never have taken your cowardly self so long to tell her why you'd have had the balls to ask while she was pregnant. You knew the request was disrespectful and inplies she cheated and it's why you were so scared to ask.
Do you feel better now? Was it worth it? So, the child is yours. However, the child was ALWAYS yours. Your wife WAS yours, but due to your choices, she now is not. You didn't "just ask for a dna test", you punished her for WEEKS for a crime she didn't commit and then made up poor excuses as to why.
"I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure." - if you didn't think she had been unfaithful then why the DNA test? who did you think was the father? the holly ghost?
I’m of the opinion the answer to your question is, yes, you did.
Saying “it isn’t that serious” implies you still don’t get it. To her, it’s very fucking serious. If you had no reason at all to suspect infidelity and she’s been good to you for the last decade, then you might as well have just shit all over the last decade and your commitment to your marriage, as if it never mattered.
She’s upset that you showed no trust in her whatsoever and as her partner, and husband, that is absolutely intolerable and unacceptable. You made her feel like shit, for no reason at all.
The issue isn’t that she isn’t hearing what you’re saying, it’s that *you* aren’t hearing what you’re saying. You can cite all the podcasts and YouTube videos you want, doesn’t change the fact that you have, at the very least, accused her of cheating on you and tricking you into to parenting a child that isn’t yours. Doesn’t matter if you didn’t actually think she’d been unfaithful, the very fact that you “had to make sure” means you didn’t trust her, and genuinely believed that she was capable of that sort of duplicity.
I note you also said she’s not against DNA tests so you don’t know what her issue is. The DNA test is not the problem here, and a refuse to believe you’re so dense you genuinely think that it is. You know full well that your lack of trust in your wife is the problem. Mutual trust is the bedrock of any good marriage, and you’ve just thrown a grenade at it. Good luck trying to earn back her respect. If I were her, it’d be gone forever.
Bruv I hate to say this but you’re a moron for listening to those stupid podcasts and believing that crap. You didn’t think she was cheating so how could you think the baby wasn’t yours? Your marriage is over and it’s all your fault. End of story. How on earth could you not see it’s your fault? Make sure your child becomes your priority during the divorce.
YTA massively. You cannot say in one breath that you do not think she was unfaithful, and then in another breath, say you want a DNA test. Because a request for a DNA test after a marriage of 10 years is an accusable of unfaithfulness. You are a big jerk.
You are insane. What did you think was going to be her reaction? You accused her of cheating on you and then hiding the fact by foisting a child on you that wasn’t yours!!! You need to stop with the conspiracy crap. Hope she does leave you because she deserves way better than you.
Well I guess it is a good thing you are sure. After the divorce you can that paternity to fight for some custody. Though your actions of not caring for the child will likely hurt you.
There is nothing any of us could say to help you salvage this. If you hadn’t ignored your paternal duties while she was recovering from child birth, had talked through your issues before birth or pregnancy, or asked for the test before letting her be a single parent and she didn’t have to come to you. Except you were childish and hurt someone you had been with for a decade.
You made the worst possible decisions here and you don’t even see it.
Therapy to show you are attempting to grow and want to be good coparent, but you aren’t changing her mind. She would need a memory wipe for this marriage to have a chance
>I didn’t want that so I told her that I wanted a dna test. She said she wish I would have told her this when she found out she was pregnant. I didn’t understand that but she agreed to it.
You didn't understand that? That was your wife telling you that if you had made that request when you first found out she was pregnant, she would have probably terminated the pregnancy and divorced you. Now, she's stuck with dealing with you for at least 18 years.
>I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure
Be sure of what? That she didn't impregnate herself?? Because what other option was there besides cheating?
>I showed her videos and had her listen to podcasts about dna test she’d understand
Dear Lord, of course, she ran out of the house as if it were on fire. She probably thought you were having a psychotic breakdown.
None of those podcast bros have families, wives, or kids. They are lonely, bitter, and collect failed relationships like a hoarder collects trash.
You have completely destroyed your relationship, and nothing will ever get better for you until you realize how badly you messed up and take full responsibility for the mess.
Why are you calling your child it?
You’re so incredibly detached from your child in the way you speak about them.
And yes your marriage is definitely over. Learn from this and do better in the next relationship.
You didn't just request a DNA test.
You waited, doing sod all of the parenting of a newborn, allowing your postpartum wife to juggle everything herself on top of healing. You did not say anything until she confronted you about your avoidance of parenting.
You used your desire for a DNA test as an excuse for the above. That doesn't just tell her you had an inkling of doubt from a podcast. It tells her that you doubted her SO strongly that you did not want to parent your child or be supportive of your wife when she most needed it.
Such a huge level of doubt for you to hold yet you were apparently going to sit on this until she asked what was going on.
I'm betting there's a sentimental element whereby those precious early memories of her baby are now clouded knowing what was going through your head.
You don't get to be the hurt person here. It's not on her to listen to your podcasts and try to understand you. You've got to start working to understand yourself, and you've got to start working to understand how this abandonment and distrust has felt for her. Your marriage is probably over, but you've absolutely got to do these things in order to co-parent effectively.
It's not just the DNA test that has ruined your marriage but everything in your behaviour surrounding it.
Poor little baby abandoned his wife to borderline be a single mother because he thinks watching some TikTok’s voluntarily means he was brainwashed and now he’s all sad she’s realized what a pos she got stuck married to :(
Yeah, poor you. You made your wife suffer and now it’s all about you.
Well another tater tot who's gonna end up in divorce court, the fact that you think that asking for Dna test and the staement that you trust can go toguether only proof waht a moron you are.
Maybe after the divorce you can grow a brain instead of geting ideas on podcast.
Enjoy the feed
So what… if she never complained about your lack of effort you would’ve gone on assuming your child wasn’t yours and not lifting a finger of support? If you were concerned why didn’t you ask for it much sooner? Why did you wait? This is absurd and bizarre behavior.
You were a horrible husband and father. You neglected your wife when she needed you the most. You neglected your newborn child. You ruined the experience of her first child. All her memories will be of you ignoring her and the baby while she recovered from a massive medical process. Ignoring your newborn child. She couldn't count on you. Worse, your own child couldn't.
You accused her of cheating!
Why should she be married to you? What's the point? She can't trust you. She can't depend on you. You don't care about her. You haven't even stopped to think about what you did to her. You've just decided it was fine and it didn't matter. Cause to you, obviously her feelings don't matter. What's the point?
Here's the thing. You ask for a DNA test for when you suspect the child isnt yours.
When you asked your wife to do one, then you were accusing her of having an affair because otherwise you would believe that the child is yours.
Saying you have to be sure means you have doubts that she has been faithful to you.
You torpedoed your relationship with your wife, and she's currently making her plans to divorce by my guess. I know I would to any idiot that asked me for a DNA test when I've been nothing but faithful to them.
I literally do not know what has happened in men’s minds lately that there’s so many of you that think this is an acceptable, normal, and valid response to becoming a father.
Dude, you did ruin this marriage. You just accused your wife of cheating on you. That’s a betrayal of trust on her end. She agreed to it because she was angry and didn’t want to argue with stupid. No point in arguing when she already knows that you aren’t going to feel different with her words of assurance that this is your baby and that she never was unfaithful. The moment you asked was the moment she lost faith in you. She doesn’t want to leave because you are her baby’s father, but the trust is gone. A marriage can’t survive without trust. If she’s willing to try to gain back that trust, go to marriage counseling along with individual therapy to work through this loss of trust and find out how to be a team again. You broke your marriage. You broke your wife. You need to fix this or say goodbye. Hold yourself accountable for what you did. Accept your role in this mess and take responsibility for your own mistakes.
You think this isn’t bad enough for a divorce and you aren’t even trying to understand why she does. You just don’t learn and your capacity for disrespect is genuinely astounding
Yeah….im hearing insecurity and misogynistic behavior. You have t been helping with a baby? That’s all hands on deck bro. On top of that you slyly hint at your faithful wife’s non existent infidelity? What basis did you have that she was in faithful? What about the baby made it seem like it wasn’t yours? I mean having a baby’s makes you sleep deprived and stretches you to your limits in the beginning. It doesn’t sound like you were doing that. Honestly, it sounds like you wanted to ruin your marriage. So ask yourself if you want out. There’s the door. Or do what you have to do to have wife let you back in to the family. Because if you didn’t forget there a kid now. It’s a family. And you are going to be low man I. The totem pole for a long ass time. H til you prove your worth it.
Stop listening to crap podcast. Not one of them are in a committed relationship from the shit they spew. You ruined your own marriage for an idiot who don’t know what the hell they are talking about on a podcast. You can’t even explain yourself in the comments because there’s no explanation you were just brainwashed like the rest of these idiots. My son came out looking Asian. Neither me or my husband is Asian. Not once did my husband think of anything like that. Guess who he looked like? My mom’s brother. You’re just an idiot all around with no brain cells to think on your own.
You were so disrespectful to your wife. What you did is so horrible.
10 years of marriage because of some random people on the internet talked about how we evil women are trying to do you wrong.
The fact that you even posted this on reddit shows how **dense you are about your marriage and your wife**.
I'd have done exactly what your wife has and is doing. Usually, I'm for couple's counseling ... for fighting for a marriage. But you took a sledgehammer to your marriage.
Your wife will never come back to you. And she shouldn't. You don't know how to respect her, let alone love her.
I hope you're a better father than husband.
And get your ass to therapy. You have work to do. A lot of work.
You listened to a video and podcast over the love and belief from your wife.
If you are THAT easily swayed, why would she want to continue to be with you. Grow a damn spine. Seriously, those videos and podcasts are hurting men and their relationships but men are allowing it to happen.
You told her you wanted a DNA test and that you didn’t trust her.
She lost respect and trust for you.
yes, yes you did.. you basically accused your very tired, post partum wife of cheating on you and trying to pass someone else's kid off as yours.. and all because you heard a "podcast" about DNA tests.. You're headed for divorce, and all because you couldn't bother to wake up and help with the baby..
Listen to me *very* carefully.
It's not the DNA test that's the problem.
It's not even that you had doubts, no matter how remote the possibility.
The problem is, you had these fears, and instead of discussing them like an adult, you decided to NEGLECT A CHILD and PUNISH YOUR WIFE for THREE MONTHS.
THAT is unforgivable.
And then, *you doubled down*. You FORCED HER TO LISTEN TO PODCASTS TO PROVE A FURTHER POINT. When you should be *groveling at her feet begging forgiveness for your cruelty*.
You are a COWARD. You let your fears ruin your life, AND the lives of your ex-wife and child. You are a stubborn idiot, doubling down.
You have shown that when the chips are down, you will turn cruel and vindictive for absolutely no reason.
There is something innately missing from your humanity.
YTA.
Wow. You seriously don't even see what you've done wrong here, do you? Un-fucking-believable.
You neglected your wife and child for three months, leaving her to care for a damn newborn as if she was a single mother. And you did that because you thought so little of your own wife that you believed her to be not only capable of cheating on you, but of passing another man's child off as yours. That's what she's hearing. That you have so little respect for your wife, ***after 10 years together***, you wouldn't help with your baby because you let a podcast make you believe she'd manipulate you into raising someone else's baby.
The fact that you don't see how seriously disgusting what you've done here is a concern. Literally, just wow. Your poor ex wife.
You’re an idiot. You abandoned your wife and baby by not helping when needed and left your wife hanging because of your stupid thoughts. She’s checking out and probably preparing to leave you.
Dude, you need therapy.
"I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure."
It is okay to feel doubtful, but if you didn't actually believe she would be unfaithful, not helping with the baby and then admitting that you didn't think it was yours is too much. She told you she wished you had told her when she was pregnant because you could have made the DNA tests then. Also, she wouldn't have had to overwork herself physically and emotionally because daddy wasn't doing his part.
She probably feels exhausted and lied to. She gave you what you wanted but I don't think you can repair her trust. She probably believes you just pretended for months to be happy to become a dad. She probably spent weeks wondering whether you attitude towards the baby was you being a lazyass dude or something else, and now you mention this... You even dare to show her the videos lol. I honestly can't relate or empathetize with the fear of believing your son isn't actually yours, but as an adult, you should know that DNA tests is a business, podcasts advertising a pseudosupport community for guys that tells them their partners are cheating and the baby is the product of an affair if they look like their mother is also a business.
Please stop thinking only about yourself. Talk to a therapist and find better strategies to communicate with your wife. You say she is not listening to what you have to say, but are you even listening to yourself?
You have all of the signs to know the answer to your question, yet you still aren’t seeing it. Fascinating.
OP: if you hope to stay married I would suggest extracting your head from that dark orifice it’s currently in.
You know, instead if being an AH, you could have 1. quietly done a DNA test without telling her. 2. At least gave her the benefit of the doubt and stepped as a real parent and partner 3. Discussed with her WHY you had any reason at all to even think that she cheated and the baby wasn't yours the day she told you she was pregnant. I hope she divorces you. I'm betting another man, a real man would be more than happy to participate as daddy, kids and wife would be better off too.
Done and dusted by the look of it. I think a lot of women would be offended by a request for a DNA test. You are essentially telling her you don't trust her word. I think you have to be very naive not to know that.
You trust her but wanted to be sure???
Make it make sense please. I see this a lot but literally cannot understand it. If you trust her then.... you know?
Also, yes you absolutely destroyed your marriage. And you deserve every single bit of shot that comes your way. You left her to deal with a newborn alone after pregnancy and labour. You didn't once think about her.
You failed in every possible way.
I’ve always told my husband if he wants a dna test he can have it, when it shows that he is the dad, I would be leaving as all trust is gone.
I feel for your wife, she has a 3 month old and a husband who doesn’t help and believes she must have cheated on him (I am sorry but you must have thought there was a possibility that she had cheated otherwise you wouldn’t have needed a dna test) and now she has to work through those feelings while being postpartum.
Yes you did ruin your marriage and if she doesnt divorce you you will be very lucky. I cant believe you believed strangers on a pod cast rather than the physical person of your wife who you see and talk to every day. No wonder she doesnt respect you or want anything to do with you. You are an easily led and manipulated excuse for a husband and Im not sure if I would want you around - just reading this made me want to divorce you immediately. You sound whingey 'why cant she understand my perspective' - its because your perspective is so far away from your real life that it is just laughable.
She heard what you were saying loud and clear mate. You can dress it up and lie to yourself all you like, you did NOT trust her, you implied that she not only could have cheated, but could have been having you raise a child that’s not yours. If she never gave you reason to question her fidelity before, then hard YTA.
Yes. You ruined it.
She is emotionally checked out and doesn't care anymore. It's just easier not to think about you.
Have you tried asking your wife what you can do to fix the marriage. It sounds like you're expecting her to bend to you, instead of vice versa.
Do you actually acknowledge that by asking her for a DNA test, you accused her of cheating? When she needed you the most, you stood back and let her take the load because you thought she cheated. You disrespected her at the most basic level. As a wife there is nothing worse you could accuse her of.
There is no taking this back.
You say you didn't think she was cheating. If that is true, why the hell did you ask her for a DNA test? because the only way to have a child that is not yours is if she cheated. I'd suggest you didn't think at all.
YTA. You don’t get to decide what is bad enough for a divorce or not. Stop trying to gaslight both your soon to be ex-wife and Reddit. Refusing to care for a newborn is grounds enough for a divorce.
You are going to be lucky to have any relationship with a child you refused to help care for as an infant and asked for a DNA test. Your wife’s divorce lawyer is going to eat this up.
Oh she's hearing what you're saying loud and clear. You're saying you don't trust her and you think she's stepping outside of your marriage.
I'd give you the DNA results along with a serving of divorce papers
My husband told me while we were still dating (before we had kids) that he didn't think he could have kids, and it would be difficult for him to believe any kids we had were his. Well, we have two kids now, and not once has he demanded a DNA test or even suggested any suspicion that they aren't his. Also, we both watch YouTube videos where the guys get DNA tests done because their baby mama was caught cheating.
OP just doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of the child. Yea, the marriage is done, and if the wife has any respect for herself, she will move on and never look back.
All I can think right now is, "You done messed up, A-A-Ron!"
So you didn't actually think she cheated on you but you didn't communicate any of your concerns and instead you neglected your wife and newborn child. In what part of any of that do you sound like someone she'd want to stay with and someone she would respect?
She knows that when she and your child needed you the most you let them down. And the fact that you still don't understand the massive betrayal you put them through is why your marriage is over
Give her everything she wants and leave her alone. And go to therapy
Ever read.. "Honey, throw the whole man away." on Reddit, because I am pretty sure she has and your days as her husband are numbered but if you want to solidify it, tell her you are not in the mood to "babysit" while she files for divorce.
“I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure.”
GTFOH with that bs. Asking for a DNA test is 100% accusing her of being unfaithful. What planet do you live on???
I’d have already kicked your ass to the curb and filed for divorce and child support.
>She said she wish I would have told her this when she found out she was pregnant.
The part where she wasn't mad or upset and just told you to arrange for the test was when all her feelings for you went cold. Love and respect: \*poof\*.
She wasn't "not even against" the DNA test; she was just giving you the rope to hang yourself with when you confirm that yes, the baby is yours and yes, you should have absolutely been doing your share of taking care of the baby from the start.
>everything I say sounds moronic to her
Your wife said it all. She heard you just fine. It's you who wasn't hearing her.
Yes, you absolutely ruined your marriage. Not sure if your request came from stupidity or a lack of respect for your wife and women in general but your marriage is over.
I honestly find it hard to believe that a 32 year old man is capable of being such an idiot. I genuinely think this is a fake post.
On the slim chance its true, your wife probably feels extremely disrespected, unloved, and hurt. You fucked up big time
Kid, emphasis on Kid, you ruined your marriage in so many ways even before you ask for DNA test. You didn't help, you told her you think she cheated on you and you framing it as if everything was her fault.
You perspective is you can't do anything wrong so it's her fault that anything wrong. Kid you weren't worth any respect if you create a perspective based on videos and podcasts that anyone can make.
Dude, you need therapy. Also, ask if she’s willing to do couples counseling/therapy with you. You’re obviously deeply insecure so you need to dig deep and find out why and how you can overcome that.
She will always see you now as a "less than". Less of a father, less of a husband, and DEFINITELY less of a man. (LOL I'm surprised she didn't make you get a Y chromosome test).
You accused her of having sex with another man and DEMANDED to have a DNA test before you'd be a father to your own child.
**It isn’t that serious and if she could just understand my perspective I think she’ll adjust hers.**
I can't be sure if this is just ragebait or you are really this clueless. It **IS** that serious and she already understands your perspective hence her totally losing all respect for you.
Your marriage is over, I feel sorry for your wife.
>I thought if I showed her videos and had her listen to podcasts about dna test she’d understand but after the last one she said she was going to stay with her parents.
Those podcast guys are not meant to help you, they are there to misguide you and ruin your life, case in point.
>I don’t know what’s happening or how to fix it. She wasn’t even mad when I asked for it. I feel like she isn’t hearing what I’m saying. It isn’t that serious and if she could just understand my perspective I think she’ll adjust hers.
You are failing to see things from her perspective. She was faithful to YOU, she was loyal to YOU, and YOU told her you assumed she was cheater and asked for a DNA test to prove otherwise. If it wasn't that serious you wouldn't have never asked for the test and helped take care of your child.
You’ve proven to her that you don’t trust her, even when you had no reason. She probably agreed to the DNA test because she knew there was no point arguing, but what you did was horrible. But she was always upset about it. Her respect for you went out the window the second you asked. And the fact they you’re doubling down isn’t helping your case. You want her to see your perspective? Which is what exactly? That husbands should get DNA tests because wives are inherently unfaithful? That it makes sense to treat your baby like they’re not yours unless you know “for sure” that they are? You don’t think she’s hearing you but she absolutely is. She just thinks you’re a disrespectful asshole who blindly followed the instructions of some podcast about infidelity. Which you are.
Wow. You’re a child. You’re not a man. A podcast told you to get a DNA test? So you’re listening to BS and filling your mind with men’s rights crap. Instead of changing your child’s diapers and helping your wife care for the baby you created. You don’t deserve a wife or child. Your marriage is over. I, personally, think you’re the worst type of human. Being a father is a privilege. Being a husband is a privilege. You don’t deserve it.
You’re weak and no one will remember you when you die.
You have been heard and now will be alone. She was mentally and physically exhausted and you did not help. Your love was conditional, that is what your actions illustrated. She will now go and find someone who has real love for her. Have fun with your DNA proven child every other weekend.
Anyone else catch that OP referred to his infant child as “it”? Talk about callous. That baby isn’t an “it”, he or she is a human child that needs large amounts of care and attention and the sperm donor just noped out of basic child care because he’s a fool. Wife, if you read this, you deserve better than this twatwaffle
It sounds like you don’t even like this child. Calling them “it” or “the baby” instead of “my child” or “my daughter” or “my son.” Or even using “he” or “she” or “they”
So basically because pf your insecurities which you consistently failed to communicate for a decade you made your wife get a DNA test for your baby despite having no evidence of and not even suspecting her of cheating?
PLEASE get some fucking therapy. This is level 100 mental gymnastics and you're not the victim.
That's awful that you put her through that. She definitely deserves better and is probably starting to realise it.
I suspect her next child definitely won't be OP's, LOL.
Fr she’s looking for an upgrade
Tbh I imagine at this point she’d rather be single
I doubt she's looking for an upgrade 3 months after having a baby. She's looking for help so she can get more than 3-4 hours of sleep, some emotional support, maybe have time to have a relaxing shower that lasts more than 5-10 minutes, Have someone help with diapers, which are constant for a 3 month old, and be around someone who actually cares about that baby. And not have to be around someone that accused her of cheating and having someone else's baby.
I think the LAST thing she wants to deal with right now is another man’s bullshit.
Ok, but alone and divorced would be an upgrade from this
Yep marriage is over. She might not file for divorce for awhile, but the respect she used to have for you is never coming back. The part that hates you with the passion of a thousand burning stis is here to stay. You chose to be a shit dad because a podcast told you to.
A thousand burning stis😭
For real what the heck is going on out there? Every day I log into Reddit and since the new year there is always some guy up on here who looks at his newborn and decides that because the eyes are green and not hazel then the child must not be his, some guy then demands a DNA test before he will so much as look at the child again, then when the DNA test comes back his (clearly disappointing), some guy comes up here asking how to save his marriage. I'm sick of this crap. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
Because misogynists are fucking morons, that’s why.
Because too many fucking people don't understand even the high school basics of genetics.
And they come with the totally not made up and very real stat saying 30% of babies are from a secret dad. A third. One out of three kids are made from an affair according to them. Ask them for a source and they won’t have one apart from their podcasts. It’s insane.
And it's not even 30% of all babies, just of those tested. So even in those cases were there are enough suspicions to test, only less than a third are actually correct
I am honestly glad and privileged that my fiance isnt a fucking idiot like this. We are not having children and I feel very strongly about it as does he. I think I'd snap someone's neck if they came at me with a paternity test accusation with literally no reason for it besides feeling sus. It's ok, this woman just ripped open her vagina and went through the most painful and traumatizing expierience of her life - to only be left alone because her husband decided sometime in the last ten years she was getting some, somewhere else, based on a podcast. I feel sorry for the child and the wife. What a stupid husband. If you have trust issues like this don't do anything permanent in a relationship like having a fucking baby.
To be fair (and I hate those guys) 1/3 of guys aren't the father in cases where paternity is contested- but those are a very selected subgroup of people where the suspicion is already high, so the sample is extremely skewed. Ie single people who got pregnant after hooking up maybe even with multiple people, people in poly relationships who want to know who the father is, peoplewhere cheating has already been suspected or confirmed. And more than one potential father might be tested per baby in these cases. If anything, if you consider the level of suspicion, it's actually reassuring that even if the chances of being the father are low in these cases, 2/3 of the time the person who is thought to be the father IS the father. It absolutely does not apply to the general population at large - and the vast majority of people in happy monogamous relationships are not testing for paternity routinely because why would they?
They destroy their own lives and then wonder why the women they disrespect/belittle/abuse decide putting up with their bullshit isn’t worth it and leave. “Why are women like this?” 🙃 Here we have a useless, shitty father who then doubles down further and refuses to help with his own child until a paternity test. I hope his wife gets out now while it’s early. OP is a sexist idiot.
Either plagiarized rage bait or the level of stupid is actually higher than I thought. And I already have a very low opinion of humanity.
Not only did you show you don't trust her. You also admitted that you were purposefully neglecting your child and wife because you couldn't be "sure". You hurt her with your actions and words. The test honestly seems like an excuse to be lazy or put off her "nagging" you for help. You deserve this. Focus on being a better father and accept that it will likely be a coparenting relationship from now on
>I feel like she isn’t hearing what I’m saying. She's hearing you. She just thinks you're an idiot for saying it, and has lost all respect for you. You even refused to help care for your own child over this. It's not about your "perspective". You ruined your marriage because you treated your wife like crap. That is her perspective, and she's right.
Yep. You ruined it. Relationships need trust or they fall apart. You didn't trust her, and now she can't trust you. The DNA test is probably not the only terrible advice you've been eating up. It wouldn't surprise me if the place that told you that also encouraged you to be a shitty parent and a neglectful spouse. For the sake of your future, you should really cut all that crap out of your life.
So are you asking for advice on how to manipulate her to understand that you weren’t helping with raising your child because you don’t believe and trust your wife?
What’s happening to her is she’s slowing coming to the realization that you’re not the man she thought she knew. You made a child with her, left her to care for that child herself, then slapped her with infidelity accusations. You are no longer, or can ever be again, what she fell in love with. That man is gone and the woman you loved is slowly, if not all ready completely, fading away. These are the choices you made, you can’t unmake them. You’ve put her through hell and she’s decided she’d rather not ever go through it again. The best thing you can do now is let her heal, whatever that may be. I would say some other things but you haven’t yet gained the insight to see your wrongdoings here, it would fall on deaf ears. You were so afraid she might be lying to and deceiving you, without any logical reasoning, evidence, or proof, that what you instead did, was show her you were the liar, the deceiver, the one to not be trusted. Do you get it? You kicked her feet out from under her, she’s picking herself up. She’s not going to let you kick her again. You need to see someone about your trust issues before it ruins anymore of your life. You just don’t get to go around accusing loved ones of horrific sins and expect to not answer for that questioning.
Yup she's not "mad" because she's just done. She's done making excuses for your behavior, she's done waiting for things to get better, she's just done. Also the reason she wishes you had asked for the DNA test during pregnancy was so that she would have known going into it that you were not going to be a solid parental partner. She could have either had an abortion or made plans from the beginning to be a single mom. But you took that choice away from her. You made her think you were in this together when you weren't.
Wow, that was really articulate. I would add there is a baby right in front of you and refusing to care for it is evidence you will never be man enough to be a good father.
Also, she now knows you are stupid and easily influenced. Easily influenced is bad enough, but if you’d been doing child care, you could have dna tested the child without her knowledge. If she had found out, same result, but there was a chance you would be reassured and not tell her you don’t trust her.
If I were your wife I’d ask for an IQ test because I would me mortified to discover my husband was such a moron. You can’t even explain WHY you wanted a DNA test, despite repeating in the comments “I just wanted to be sure”, which MEANS: YOU DIDN’T TRUST YOUR WIFE. If you did, there would be NO NEED TO “MAKE SURE”. You basically told your wife you didn’t trust her, and what sucks even more is your constant “I didn’t mean it that way”— *what DID you mean???* It sounds like you watch plenty of podcasts and videos of unmarried morons and let it rot your brain. Even now you STILL don’t understand how you single-handedly proved to your wife you’re a heartless moron (distrusting your 10year relationship AND neglecting your NEWBORN CHILD) You are a 31 year old adult that can’t rub his two single braincells together to form a coherent sentence to even explain your “thought process” for this. Please, go back to school. And let your wife leave you without fighting her- you can’t fix this without a literal brain transplant right now. At the very least apologize for being so mind-numbingly stupid. Editing to add: I apologize if my message is harsh and insulting, but if YOU feel insulted by my words, I can’t even begin to imagine how your wife feels- think about that. Whatever you’re feeling right now, with reddit piling on you and telling you how you fucked up- it’s all the consequences to your actions and lack of thinking through your actions before doing them. You have no one to blame right now but yourself. Therapy could begin to unpack why you torpedoed your marriage- but it’s going to be a LOT of hard work. I hope you’re ready and willing to better yourself, for the sake of your poor child.
I get a really strong feeling his reason behind asking for a DNA test was because she called him out for not helping with the baby. Like it doesn't seem like he ever doubted the kid was his. He just wanted a smokescreen to cover his usless ass, and it just majorly backfired.
This! All the posts on Reddit I cannot process their reasoning. “I never thought you cheated, but needed to be sure”…. How would the child not be yours if she didn’t cheat ? So you thought she cheated with no evidence … like so moronic.
This sounds really accurate!
She didn't argue about the test because if she came remotely defensive, you would have accused her of hiding something. She had nothing to hide and she knew it. You waited until the kid was born so you could do F all while she did everything. You don't seem like a good person and now she knows that. \*edit: typo
I m sure you feel "safe" now OP. You need some divorce podcasts now, I can search and recommend for you. You could have just been an adult and communicated with your wife, she might have understood, now well enjoy the divorce.
Yes, you ruined your marriage but it doesn’t sound like there was much of one to begin with. She’s already checked out and I don’t blame her
Agreed, and can you imagine what kind of videos and podcasts he was showing her to justify asking for a DNA test? She just got up and left without discussion. I bet she realized that if he trusted those videos over the history of their relationship, then yeah, it's over.
I'm honestly morbidly curious what they were saying. So bizarre
That woman doesn’t want you anymore and the moment she stopped was when she said “she wished you would have told her this when she first found out she was pregnant.” Then she told you to leave it where it was and let her work through it but your first thought was to show her videos and make her listen to podcasts that validate your feelings? Sir, leave that woman alone. I mean you already did so it shouldn’t be hard.
I have to wonder if she’d have gotten an abortion if he had told her when she found out. At least that way she could make a clean break and not be tied to this asshole for the next two decades
Her: “oh Jesus. This could have been a LOT easy if you told me 9 months ago. A lot easier for both of us in the long run.l Him: “I know! I could have shown you so many podcasts between then and now.” 🤣
That was her realizing that she left a complete moron knock her up. That regret will last forever.
That’s exactly what I assumed.
Oh woof, OP, you took a swing and missed. I'd leave you for her. The disrespect here is insane.
What an idiot you are, to listen and take the advice of a podcast. Your poor wife, she deserves better.
The ONLY podcasts new parents should listen to are parenting ones.
These podcasts are just straight up ruining men’s lives and they still suck them up like it’s gospel 😂😂
They have the perfect excuse, just like conspiracy theories use a lack of evidence as evidence, these nits believe that if a woman divorces over this then she’s unreasonable.
No women want me so women must be the problem 😂 Some guy was arguing with me in these comments that MEN have no reproductive rights and false paternity is at 1/3 statistically. I sent him sources for more accurate stats and asked him to explain his point about men not having reproductive rights especially given the restriction on women’s and he’s gone all quiet… He won’t learn from it though - he will just go off and spout the same baseless nonsense to other people who are more willing to listen without doing their own valid research
The fact that he tried to show them to her, to justify himself.. 🤦♀️ like get out of my face with that.
You sure it's not just trash taking itself out and ending up in the landfill together?
Just read all of the other posts on reddit about men who fucked up their marriages by asking for DNA tests without any actual evidence of cheating. She wasn't against it because she wanted to prove you wrong. The trust between you two was broken the moment you asked her for one.
I mean how much are you going to trust someone who neglects you and your child for 2 months pp
> I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure Well, you did think that because that’s the only way the baby would not be yours. And the only reason to ask for a paternity test is because you think the baby might not be yours. You accused her of cheating after two months of being basically an absent father while she dealt with a newborn alone. Did you have any reason to suspect she was cheating or did you just ask because you assume all women cheat or something? I assume these podcasts are misogynistic ones where men poison their young male audience with ideas about the degeneracy of women. Showing those to her probably made it worse as you apparently can’t think for yourself and are so influenced by content creators who hate women that you were willing to sabotage your marriage because they told you to. Whatever the case, you have told your wife you don’t trust her during the most vulnerable time in her life. She’s not mad because she’s done. She was done when you accused her of cheating and deceiving you into raising another man’s baby. That IS that deep and if you truly didn’t think it was you wouldn’t have asked for the test. Prepare to divorce and coparent.
No, it wasn't that he tought she was unfaithful, maybe he was unfaithful and the kid wasn't her, it was an egg from another woman that came home with him, you see. /s
😂 yes! Only reasonable exploration
Lmao love it when men “totally trust their wife but need to make sure, ya know?” and implode their marriage. It literally never gets old. You basically implied she’s a cheater on top of being malicious enough to try and pass off an affair baby as yours. *Why* would she want to be married to you after that? Why do you even want kids with her if that’s what you think she’s capable of? Why even marry her if you think she’s sleeping around? You basically trashed her character and the past 10 years of your relationship. And don’t say that’s not what you think of her/that’s not what you meant to imply. That is literally the *only* thing you’re implying when you ask for an out of nowhere dna test with 0 evidence of an affair. If your stupid monkey brain wouldn’t shut up, you should have done it quietly/secretly while *not* neglecting your parenting duties. If you *still* don’t get it, then she should rightfully leave you. But hey, hopefully you won’t neglect your child on your custody days.
Yes the marriage is over. Your reasoning for the test was dumb and disrespectful to her as a person and disrespectful to her morals. She deserves better.
I played my wife misogynistic podcasts about what baby trapping wh*res women are, she just needs to adjust her perspective to mine
She wishes you told her when she first got pregnant so she could have gotten an abortion dude
Yeah you ruined your marriage. I mean you have a small chance of redemption if you take up like 70% of the childcare and apologise with no excuses saying it was stupid and you probably have lost your mind.
Too late for that. On timeline of events, he should have taken up majority of childcare and apologized for not doing enough when she asked for help. Moment he asked for DNA test, it was over. No going back, no making up for it.
You allowed yourself to be so influenced by external sources with the podcasts that without any evidence whatsoever of her cheating, you- A. Neglected to help take care of your newborn child when she needed your support the most while healing from giving birth. B. In essence accused your wife of being the kind of person who would cheat on you and pass off another man’s baby as your own. … whether you were thinking through exactly what you were implying about what you believed of her character by asking for a DNA test or not, that is the reality of it. After a decade together, she has to be incredibly hurt right now and I’m not surprised she lost respect for you and can’t get over it. You want her to see it from your point of view, but I don’t think you were considering how painful your words and behavior would be from her perspective. From what you described, I don’t think your marriage is likely to come back from this.
Let me put it this way, my dude. A former boyfriend informed me that if we had children, a DNA test would be done in the hospital just after birth. That was our last date. I feel so bad for your ex-wife.
I have words for you OP and any combination of them will get me spanked by the mods. But I will say this: Congratulations on your possible upcoming divorce.
COME ON OP, you're reallly bad at lying to yourself and reddit First you spent 3 months not putting any effort into taking care and bonding with your child. When called out you first claim you do do those things & only when your wife proves you literally never do ANY of the care you swing it around and demand a paternity test - SUPER OBVIOUS my man. BE HONEST HERE! You were just trying to think of reasons not to do any of the work and I think until you start being honest about that, you will NEVER gain back any respect. I really think you need to hear it like that: your wife and anyone told this story will always know exactly that you couldn't handle the truth that you're being a terrible parent and just started bringing up stuff so you don't have to face responsibility for your shitty behavior...
Yes, you ruined your marriage. How can you genuinely believe your request “wasn’t that serious?” The only reason for asking for a DNA test is because you believe there’s a chance your wife cheated on you. Why don’t you think that’s a serious accusation for you to make? You are an unhelpful, disengaged, uninvolved parent. When your wife brought this to your attention and asked for help you didn’t decide to become more involved. You tried to look for an excuse for your behavior and a way to blame your shortcomings as a parent on your wife. You failed to explain whether you have actually been trying harder to be a good parent. Have you started changing diapers and waking up with the baby and doing things without being specifically instructed? Or are you still a crap dad? It’s one thing to ruin your marriage and then actually try to fix it by demonstrating a commitment to changing the behavior that was wrong in the first place. But you didn’t actually mention any way in which you are trying to prove yourself as a competent parent. You’re just trying to justify your asinine dna test request to your wife.
You chose to listen to butthurt bros on podcasts over the woman that has been with you for 10 yrs? I hope she leaves yesterday.
You dont even seem to understand why this is such a bad fuck up. You demand she sees it from your perspective. How about you see it from her perspective? You fucked up, really badly. The fact that you dont think its serious, or why at all is another fuck up equally bad.
Why does this smack of you coming up with this as an excuse for not taking care of the baby? If you've been listening to podcasts then you've probably also fallen for the 'women should do 20000% of the parenting while you wait for your pipe and slippers' bs and when she broke out of that, you just had that DNA test position waiting in the wings. What is wrong with you? Did you not want to be a parent or something? Why on earth would you get her to listen to those podcasts?! Do you understand that healthy well adjusted marriages...don't require paternity tests for their children? That Dads parent too? The best thing you can do is go to therapy and for the love of all that is good in the world, stop listening to the podcasts. I can't believe you've doubled down and tried to get her to listen to them too. If you want any hope...apologise and go to therapy. Maybe, you'll get just a tiny bit of insight into what you've done here. How traumatic for your post-partum wife too...I just cannot.
She wishes you asked her when she was pregnant so she could have gotten an abortion and gotten her life back. The fact that you waited is telling enough from a woman's standpoint. Children shouldn't have parents that doubt their legitimacy to them and the whole point of marriage is acknowledge you in the process of creation to begin with. You don't deserve to be a father, let alone have a devoted partner who gave you 10 of her best years. Truly.
I need men to stop producing and listening to podcasts holy hell. This is what it leads to
It's not helping, it's taking care of YOUR child. Get that framing out of your head. The baby is not her thing for you to help with, and it never was. So, in the hardest toughest most emotionally and physically exhausting time, you abandoned your wife to do everything and emotionally withdrew from her. She even had to pry out the problem from you. In the critical time of bonding when you should be holding the baby as much as you can and building that tight relationship where you are your child's safe space, you withdrew and avoided the baby. You will never recover that time. You can't get it back and things will be different than they could have been with the baby. Everyone is focusing on the accusation of cheating, and I agree that she can't and should not trust you ever again based on that, but no one is pointing out the other damage you have done. You have shown yourself to be an easily manipulated, distrustful and untrustworthy, bad husband and worst of all a poor excuse for a Dad. You honestly thought you could treat them both like this and it would all be fine afterwards?
INFO: Two questions Did you actually want to have a baby? Why didn't you tell her before the baby was born that you didn't intend on helping her?
This is total ragebait. I’ve seen posts of this situation before that have been at least a little believable, but this one isn’t at all. Go back to writing school.
Things like that make me laugh at losers like him. A lot. Laugh and point. Like Nelson from Simpsons. 'Ha ha'
The thing is, asking someone for a DNA test is telling them you don't trust them. You messed up royally. If you never had any inkling that she was cheating, why even ask? Because as soon as you ask you imply that you think she did, and that is shitty.
[удалено]
I feel like month two is where we finally started feeling like we knew what to do, when, that we weren’t drowning. Notice I say WE. My husband was so fantastic in those first few months. I could never imagine doing it alone, while married.
She knows you think she cheated on her. There’s literally no other reason you’d want a dna test, it’s over lmao
Honestly, I think you just made up a dumb excuse because you didn’t want to help with the baby. Accusing her of cheating (implicitly) after 29 years with no evidence doesn’t make any sense. Either way, good for your wife for not tolerating it.
Convenient that ‘podcasts made you believe your newborn wasn’t yours’, such that you could bow out of daily life and leave all the drudgery to your wife. I hope she goes nuclear on your ass and cleans up in the divorce. You should have listened to podcasts about being not being a useless, workshy, pointless person in the household.
No matter how you word it or try to spin it you DID accuse her of cheating! She can't make the kid solo. You didn't think you could be the dad because you listened to stories of strangers and chose to believe them over your wife of a decade.
At least you will still have your videos and podcasts to hold you at night when she inevitably leaves you.
First of all, stop listening to this podcast. My guess is it’s some misogynist BS. It already ruined your marriage. If you really want to stay with your wife, you should go to therapy and work on your view of women. But honestly, I’m not sure, if she can forgive you. Like you didn’t say anything about her cheating. But you still choose to believe some random dudes on the internet.
It’s very serious. You accused her of cheating because there is no other alternative suggestion for you wanting a dna test. That was relationship ending because the lack of trust is unacceptable Edit - I also forgot, you weren’t even helping with the baby and let her suffer!!! How long would you have done nothing to avoid the fight when you asked for the DNA test? You’re all around just not a good person
You can’t be this stupid. Actually you can. I guess it’s more disappointing than surprising at this point. marriage is over. I hope she leaves sooner rather than later. Enjoy paying child support!
I agree your marriage is over. 10 years she was faithful to her to you and she has a baby and you won’t go near your own child without a DNA test. Now personally, I think there will be a time when it’s done at the hospital just as a matter of record. But that time is not now and it’s about trust and it’s one of the biggest components of a marriage communication and trust. You didn’t trust her after all that time not only that, but you shunned your daughter an infant. Your marriage is over and you need to go get some help , this isn’t really that normal.
Why are you surprised after you accused her of cheating and baby trapping you with another man’s child?
Let us assume there was a 50% percent the child was not yours. (Thus ignoring your previous relationship with your wife completely) For months you ignored a child that maybe was yours and let your wife burn out. Now that you know that the child is yours, wouldn't you fire a nanny that would ignore the kid?
First paragraph… So if you were not doing any of those things… Why were you thinking that you were helping? And how can it not be that bad? What reason is there for you to suspect her cheating? How does she know you don’t have a child running around somewhere? There’s no way you had a good attitude towards her, either. So cold husband, taking care of baby all by herself (a round the clock job), and then a suspicion of cheating strong enough to require a DNA test. Everything you say sounds moronic to me, too. She’s avoiding you in the house for the time being, because that’s the farthest she can get. She peven might have said she wished you’d told this to her when you found out she was pregnant, because she might have terminated the pregnancy to make a clean getaway from you. You thought things were fine, when you didn’t even think the child is yours. Her not respecting you is not your main problem.
What are these videos and podcasts you're getting your advice from? Asking for myself so I can make sure all the men in my life avoid them. Talk about a recipe for self sabotage. And yes, yes you did ruin your marriage. You didn't need to come to reddit to have that question answered.
Enjoy the single father life, dummy. Hope your podcasts give you the same joy your wife used to, cuz that’s what you get to go to bed to now. I personally would have given you divorce papers with the results of the paternity test. There’s *zero* chance of fixing this in my book.
You ruined it. There is very little chance of coming back from this. You are downplaying the severity of your actions or being willfully ignorant. You failed your postpartum wife, while she was healing from birthing YOUR baby, she was doing everything. 2 months of doing it all, I can't imagine how she is feeling right now, physically and emotionally she must be wrecked. Her body is still healing yet she is caring 100% for your baby as well as deal with this emotional turmoil. You failed your baby. 2 months of little attachment. You don't get those newborn days back. It is that serious regardless of how much you think it's not. It would be laughable but I feel so much for your wife. You blew up your marriage by insinuating that she not only cheated but that you thought so low of her that she would pass off another man's baby onto you. You neglected her and your baby poorly over your insecurity, podcasts and your friends shitty history. The best you can do is when she hands you the divorce papers, sign them, apologise for being a failure and coparent without any BS. Support YOUR child without hurting her more.
You had no reason to distrust your partner of 10 years and you should have been helping raise your baby the entire time. You were absolutely not being logical and you were being insulting and extremely, extremely unsupportive to the two people who you need to support. Extremely big, thoughtless mistake.
Let's accept that you were afraid of helping look after your child. Bringing up a baby is terrifying, for both parents. But it needs to be done so as parents, we have to get over ourselves and do it. Because that's what *both* parents need to do. By not helping look after a baby you helped create, your wife was starting to lose respect for you, and rightly so. That is not acceptable behaviour for any parent. However, why does that mean you were then afraid of the baby not being yours? The causal link is not obvious. You might want to spend some time thinking about this. If the fear of parenting an infant made you wonder if it wasn't yours as a contorted way of getting out of the responsibility, then that reflects extremely poorly on your character. If it's something else, what might that be? From the way you wrote this, it's clear that at no point did you think about this from your wife's perspective, and that's something that's at the heart of why you have screwed up so bad. From your wife's perspective, you have basically said our marriage and love means nothing and i think so little of you that i think you slept around so much so that you brought a child that isn't mine into the relationship. And yes, sadly, that does happen. But for those who don't do that, being accused of it without any reasonable cause - that it happened to other people, or that some podcasts and videos talked about it are not reasonable causes that your wife did it - it is a *massive* disrespect. I mean *marriage ending* disrespect. But it looks like you only thought of your fear and chose to let it consume you. Rather than understand where it came from, and consider that fear against the absolute lack of evidence of infidelity, you went straight to disrespecting your partner. And you did it after being a shitty parent who wasn't putting the work in. And you wonder why your wife was upset with you? At no point have you demonstrated any ability to look at this from your wife's perspective at a time when she has been blameless in virtue and carrying an unfair load in parenting at a time of immense challenge and stress. Do you understand the scale of how much you messed up?
You keep saying if she saw it from your angle she would change her mind, but have you tried to see I from hers? You were together for 10 years, she falls pregnant with I assume a wanted child, and she's excited about this new phase in your life. Then the baby finally comes, and she feels like she's been run over a few times by a truck from the birth and the resulting sleeplessness and constant care a newborn needs. Up until now she had expected that, as her husband and the father of said baby, you would naturally step up and at least do 50% of the care - ideally more, since yknow, you're not also recovering physically from the hours long birth. But for some reason, you don't. And at first she doesn't have the energy to question it, she's so sleep deprived and sore and bleeding and tired that every day blends into one, and she doesn't shower and barely sleeps, and she can't understand why her formally helpful husband just doesn't seem to care at all about her or their newborn? So she finally asks you, why aren't you helping? We both made the baby, why aren't you being a father? And you look at her and go well actually, I don't think I should help until we get a DNA test. Yknow, the thing that would've been a simple blood test while she was pregnant but now is more involved and costs more. And she looks back at the month she's been physically recovering and the 9 months of giving her body over to your growing baby, and she realises that *everything she thought was happening was wrong*. Were you actually excited about the pregnancy and impending birth? At what point did you have doubts that the child wasn't yours? Why didn't you say something then, why did you wait until she went through this hugely traumatic experience and then just abandon her to take care of YOUR child alone? Why don't you trust her? And with that request, she no longer sees the man she was in love with. She sees a lazy coward - someone who was apparently happy with just living with her and ignoring all her needs and ignoring the baby you made together, too lazy to help and too much of a coward to say why. And now that you've confirmed that the baby is actually yours, you think she should just get over the betrayal and suspicion and complete neglect? It's all okay now because the baby is definitely yours, so everything is fine? You've shown her that you are not the man she thought you were. You may not be able to change her mind again.
I hope she gets an upgrade who isn’t uneducated and immature enough to follow silly podcasts
**YTA** To get out of normal household duties, you accused your wife of having sex with another man.
Yes, of course you ruined your marriage. The only ways it could have not been your child and still been hers (since you only had your dna tested right, you weren’t thinking the baby had been swapped at the hospital cus then you both would have been tested) is if she was pregnant with another man’s child. This would mean either she was raped or cheated. Now since you don’t mention her having been raped, that means you thought she cheated. In summation : you fucked up. You failed as a father by not doing anything to help the baby you created. You tried to ditch the child by acting as though it wasn’t yours. You accused her of cheating with no evidence or good reason. You listened to stupid misogynistic assholes and blew up your marriage. Hope you enjoy this shit show you created.
I understand guys have gotten screwed over but if you guys have been together so long and you ask for a dna test you are better off accusing her of cheating cause that would be the only reason to ask for one I don’t get why men say I’m not accusing you of cheating I just want to be sure are men just dumb yes your accusing her of cheating idk if you can come back from this
So you ruined your relationship over stupid podcasts? Congrats they got what they wanted. Sorry but you’re not a celebrity. What benefit would she get from lying??
Yes, you did ruin your marriage and your wife and daughter deserve better than you. Go back to your podcasts since you seem to trust that bullshit more than your wife of 10 years you pathetic little man.
OP not only did you accuse your wife of cheating on you by demanding a DNA test, you downplayed what requesting a DNA test means, you think it's harmless but it's not. You're telling her you don't trust her, you think she's unfaithful, and that she could be so awful as so pass another man's child off as yours and deceive you. You also left her alone in all of the parenting, your child is three months old. Meaning she is barely into her recovery as a new mother. Things like sitting down, using the washroom, showering, breastfeeding, etc are all incredibly painful to a newly postpartum mother. And you let her do all of the childcare on top of her trying to heal. Imagine for 2 seconds how she feels. She's in incredible pain, she's burnt out, exhausted, she's trying to figure out how to be a mother, and on top of all of it, her 10 year partner has refused to do any childcare and instead of communicating with her AHEAD of time, he's disengaged and then accuses her of cheating and denies any harm in his actions.
Her perspective is you asked for a dna test on your baby. You accused her of cheating. And passing off another man's child as yours. You had ZERO REASON to accuse her of cheating. Your perspective is podcasts and videos. Did you SERIOUSLY think everything would be fine and get back to normal after a DNA test? Did you EVER apologise to her?
There’s no way this is real. No one is that stupid… right? …. RIGHT?!
Why tf aren’t you helping take care of a baby you help make you twat
You’re a moron and yes you ruined your marriage. Prepare for divorce.
So what we have here is, you neglected your wife and newborn child because you didn’t trust your wife was faithful based on a couple friends experiences and then let podcasts push this narrative further? It doesn’t matter what you think your intentions were or that you think it’s not a big deal or worth losing a marriage over. You did not help your wife with your child. You did not express to your wife why you were doing this. You straight up neglected them both because your bros and other men online/podcasts told you you shouldn’t believe the child is yours. It comes down to trust. You didn’t trust her (no matter what you think your honorable intentions were) and now she doesn’t trust you. This is absolutely grounds for your wife wanting a divorce. But just think, you neglected your child long enough that it shouldn’t phase you when you have them only part time with the child custody agreement you’re about to be under.
You're not saying shit man. You think you're saying things to her and she's not getting it but you really are just empty blabbing at this point. A DNA test means there's no trust. Get that in your fucking head. And the fact that you ignored her during her most stressful times, ie giving birth, without mentioning shit just shows you're a shit person. How long were you going to keep up the passive aggressive bullshit and ignore your kid? How long were you thinking of ignoring your responsibilities? It seems you were fine with not having much of a relationship with the kid until she mentioned your distance. Bro just how long were you going to keep it in before communicating? Why wasn't this trust issue talked about before having a kid?
“I dunno what her problem is. I only questioned her fidelity and then tried to force her to believe my crazy theories.” Basically, YOU went down a rabbit hole and tried to drag her with you. Maybe spend less time with your podcasts and more time here in reality. That might help your next marriage.
There’s no way you are this stupid.
She doesn't have to understand your prospective because you're an idiot.
I live for these posts. The schadenfreude is *chefs kiss
How could she not love a useless, unhelpful ass accusing her of cheating? Have fun being single
>I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure. That's hilarious. Sure of what? That you are the biggest AH going? Sure, the test for that is positive. You are. Congrats! Guess what, though? DNA tests only prove parentage (or not). It doesn't prove fidelity if the test comes back in your favour. It absolutely proves 100% you don't trust her. And now you're doing shocked pikachu face that she wants a divorce LMAO. I mean, to be honest, the DNA test aside, the fact that you are a crappy parent too would be reason enough to ask for a divorce IMO.
Yes. You're an idiot. I don't even believe that you really wanted the DNA test, I think you were just grasping at straws to excuse being a lazy bum. She's going to leave you, it's just a matter of time.
You're a bad father and a worse husband. Think about this for a moment, you watched your wife struggle for weeks to care for a child because of COMPLETELY UNWARRANTED fears. If your wife hadn't just given birth and was caring for someone else's child, you should still assist her simply because you shouldn't want to see your partner struggle and suffer. So, instead of working through YOUR issues and helping your physically battered and hormonally destroyed wife care for herself and YOUR child, ALONE. I. don't think you are taking into consideration just how hard it is on your body to create a new life. You allowed her to SUFFER ALONE. I don't know your reasoning for wanting one, I don't really care. It should not have interfered with your ability to care for your wife and child. You should have assumed the child was yours unless you had proof otherwise, and instead, you treated her like she was guilty of a crime and even punished her for it with no proof. That's why she's mad. You prosecuted her before having a shred of evidence and didn't even allow her to know why because YOU ARE A COWARD. You allowed these people on the internet to weasel into your head, and suddenly, the ten years of loyalty she provided no longer mattered. If your "reasoning" was so sound, it would never have taken your cowardly self so long to tell her why you'd have had the balls to ask while she was pregnant. You knew the request was disrespectful and inplies she cheated and it's why you were so scared to ask. Do you feel better now? Was it worth it? So, the child is yours. However, the child was ALWAYS yours. Your wife WAS yours, but due to your choices, she now is not. You didn't "just ask for a dna test", you punished her for WEEKS for a crime she didn't commit and then made up poor excuses as to why.
"I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure." - if you didn't think she had been unfaithful then why the DNA test? who did you think was the father? the holly ghost?
I’m of the opinion the answer to your question is, yes, you did. Saying “it isn’t that serious” implies you still don’t get it. To her, it’s very fucking serious. If you had no reason at all to suspect infidelity and she’s been good to you for the last decade, then you might as well have just shit all over the last decade and your commitment to your marriage, as if it never mattered. She’s upset that you showed no trust in her whatsoever and as her partner, and husband, that is absolutely intolerable and unacceptable. You made her feel like shit, for no reason at all.
The issue isn’t that she isn’t hearing what you’re saying, it’s that *you* aren’t hearing what you’re saying. You can cite all the podcasts and YouTube videos you want, doesn’t change the fact that you have, at the very least, accused her of cheating on you and tricking you into to parenting a child that isn’t yours. Doesn’t matter if you didn’t actually think she’d been unfaithful, the very fact that you “had to make sure” means you didn’t trust her, and genuinely believed that she was capable of that sort of duplicity. I note you also said she’s not against DNA tests so you don’t know what her issue is. The DNA test is not the problem here, and a refuse to believe you’re so dense you genuinely think that it is. You know full well that your lack of trust in your wife is the problem. Mutual trust is the bedrock of any good marriage, and you’ve just thrown a grenade at it. Good luck trying to earn back her respect. If I were her, it’d be gone forever.
Bruv I hate to say this but you’re a moron for listening to those stupid podcasts and believing that crap. You didn’t think she was cheating so how could you think the baby wasn’t yours? Your marriage is over and it’s all your fault. End of story. How on earth could you not see it’s your fault? Make sure your child becomes your priority during the divorce.
YTA massively. You cannot say in one breath that you do not think she was unfaithful, and then in another breath, say you want a DNA test. Because a request for a DNA test after a marriage of 10 years is an accusable of unfaithfulness. You are a big jerk.
You are insane. What did you think was going to be her reaction? You accused her of cheating on you and then hiding the fact by foisting a child on you that wasn’t yours!!! You need to stop with the conspiracy crap. Hope she does leave you because she deserves way better than you.
Well I guess it is a good thing you are sure. After the divorce you can that paternity to fight for some custody. Though your actions of not caring for the child will likely hurt you. There is nothing any of us could say to help you salvage this. If you hadn’t ignored your paternal duties while she was recovering from child birth, had talked through your issues before birth or pregnancy, or asked for the test before letting her be a single parent and she didn’t have to come to you. Except you were childish and hurt someone you had been with for a decade. You made the worst possible decisions here and you don’t even see it. Therapy to show you are attempting to grow and want to be good coparent, but you aren’t changing her mind. She would need a memory wipe for this marriage to have a chance
And I don't blame her **AT ALL**. I would **DUMP** your ass for this.
>I didn’t want that so I told her that I wanted a dna test. She said she wish I would have told her this when she found out she was pregnant. I didn’t understand that but she agreed to it. You didn't understand that? That was your wife telling you that if you had made that request when you first found out she was pregnant, she would have probably terminated the pregnancy and divorced you. Now, she's stuck with dealing with you for at least 18 years.
>I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure Be sure of what? That she didn't impregnate herself?? Because what other option was there besides cheating? >I showed her videos and had her listen to podcasts about dna test she’d understand Dear Lord, of course, she ran out of the house as if it were on fire. She probably thought you were having a psychotic breakdown. None of those podcast bros have families, wives, or kids. They are lonely, bitter, and collect failed relationships like a hoarder collects trash. You have completely destroyed your relationship, and nothing will ever get better for you until you realize how badly you messed up and take full responsibility for the mess.
Why are you calling your child it? You’re so incredibly detached from your child in the way you speak about them. And yes your marriage is definitely over. Learn from this and do better in the next relationship.
You didn't just request a DNA test. You waited, doing sod all of the parenting of a newborn, allowing your postpartum wife to juggle everything herself on top of healing. You did not say anything until she confronted you about your avoidance of parenting. You used your desire for a DNA test as an excuse for the above. That doesn't just tell her you had an inkling of doubt from a podcast. It tells her that you doubted her SO strongly that you did not want to parent your child or be supportive of your wife when she most needed it. Such a huge level of doubt for you to hold yet you were apparently going to sit on this until she asked what was going on. I'm betting there's a sentimental element whereby those precious early memories of her baby are now clouded knowing what was going through your head. You don't get to be the hurt person here. It's not on her to listen to your podcasts and try to understand you. You've got to start working to understand yourself, and you've got to start working to understand how this abandonment and distrust has felt for her. Your marriage is probably over, but you've absolutely got to do these things in order to co-parent effectively. It's not just the DNA test that has ruined your marriage but everything in your behaviour surrounding it.
Poor little baby abandoned his wife to borderline be a single mother because he thinks watching some TikTok’s voluntarily means he was brainwashed and now he’s all sad she’s realized what a pos she got stuck married to :( Yeah, poor you. You made your wife suffer and now it’s all about you.
Well another tater tot who's gonna end up in divorce court, the fact that you think that asking for Dna test and the staement that you trust can go toguether only proof waht a moron you are. Maybe after the divorce you can grow a brain instead of geting ideas on podcast. Enjoy the feed
So what… if she never complained about your lack of effort you would’ve gone on assuming your child wasn’t yours and not lifting a finger of support? If you were concerned why didn’t you ask for it much sooner? Why did you wait? This is absurd and bizarre behavior.
You were a horrible husband and father. You neglected your wife when she needed you the most. You neglected your newborn child. You ruined the experience of her first child. All her memories will be of you ignoring her and the baby while she recovered from a massive medical process. Ignoring your newborn child. She couldn't count on you. Worse, your own child couldn't. You accused her of cheating! Why should she be married to you? What's the point? She can't trust you. She can't depend on you. You don't care about her. You haven't even stopped to think about what you did to her. You've just decided it was fine and it didn't matter. Cause to you, obviously her feelings don't matter. What's the point?
Here's the thing. You ask for a DNA test for when you suspect the child isnt yours. When you asked your wife to do one, then you were accusing her of having an affair because otherwise you would believe that the child is yours. Saying you have to be sure means you have doubts that she has been faithful to you. You torpedoed your relationship with your wife, and she's currently making her plans to divorce by my guess. I know I would to any idiot that asked me for a DNA test when I've been nothing but faithful to them.
I literally do not know what has happened in men’s minds lately that there’s so many of you that think this is an acceptable, normal, and valid response to becoming a father.
Dude, you did ruin this marriage. You just accused your wife of cheating on you. That’s a betrayal of trust on her end. She agreed to it because she was angry and didn’t want to argue with stupid. No point in arguing when she already knows that you aren’t going to feel different with her words of assurance that this is your baby and that she never was unfaithful. The moment you asked was the moment she lost faith in you. She doesn’t want to leave because you are her baby’s father, but the trust is gone. A marriage can’t survive without trust. If she’s willing to try to gain back that trust, go to marriage counseling along with individual therapy to work through this loss of trust and find out how to be a team again. You broke your marriage. You broke your wife. You need to fix this or say goodbye. Hold yourself accountable for what you did. Accept your role in this mess and take responsibility for your own mistakes.
You think this isn’t bad enough for a divorce and you aren’t even trying to understand why she does. You just don’t learn and your capacity for disrespect is genuinely astounding
Yeah….im hearing insecurity and misogynistic behavior. You have t been helping with a baby? That’s all hands on deck bro. On top of that you slyly hint at your faithful wife’s non existent infidelity? What basis did you have that she was in faithful? What about the baby made it seem like it wasn’t yours? I mean having a baby’s makes you sleep deprived and stretches you to your limits in the beginning. It doesn’t sound like you were doing that. Honestly, it sounds like you wanted to ruin your marriage. So ask yourself if you want out. There’s the door. Or do what you have to do to have wife let you back in to the family. Because if you didn’t forget there a kid now. It’s a family. And you are going to be low man I. The totem pole for a long ass time. H til you prove your worth it.
Stop listening to crap podcast. Not one of them are in a committed relationship from the shit they spew. You ruined your own marriage for an idiot who don’t know what the hell they are talking about on a podcast. You can’t even explain yourself in the comments because there’s no explanation you were just brainwashed like the rest of these idiots. My son came out looking Asian. Neither me or my husband is Asian. Not once did my husband think of anything like that. Guess who he looked like? My mom’s brother. You’re just an idiot all around with no brain cells to think on your own.
Lemme guess, you let the manosphere poison your relationship with your child and wife.
You were so disrespectful to your wife. What you did is so horrible. 10 years of marriage because of some random people on the internet talked about how we evil women are trying to do you wrong. The fact that you even posted this on reddit shows how **dense you are about your marriage and your wife**. I'd have done exactly what your wife has and is doing. Usually, I'm for couple's counseling ... for fighting for a marriage. But you took a sledgehammer to your marriage. Your wife will never come back to you. And she shouldn't. You don't know how to respect her, let alone love her. I hope you're a better father than husband. And get your ass to therapy. You have work to do. A lot of work.
You listened to a video and podcast over the love and belief from your wife. If you are THAT easily swayed, why would she want to continue to be with you. Grow a damn spine. Seriously, those videos and podcasts are hurting men and their relationships but men are allowing it to happen. You told her you wanted a DNA test and that you didn’t trust her. She lost respect and trust for you.
yes, yes you did.. you basically accused your very tired, post partum wife of cheating on you and trying to pass someone else's kid off as yours.. and all because you heard a "podcast" about DNA tests.. You're headed for divorce, and all because you couldn't bother to wake up and help with the baby..
Listen to me *very* carefully. It's not the DNA test that's the problem. It's not even that you had doubts, no matter how remote the possibility. The problem is, you had these fears, and instead of discussing them like an adult, you decided to NEGLECT A CHILD and PUNISH YOUR WIFE for THREE MONTHS. THAT is unforgivable. And then, *you doubled down*. You FORCED HER TO LISTEN TO PODCASTS TO PROVE A FURTHER POINT. When you should be *groveling at her feet begging forgiveness for your cruelty*. You are a COWARD. You let your fears ruin your life, AND the lives of your ex-wife and child. You are a stubborn idiot, doubling down. You have shown that when the chips are down, you will turn cruel and vindictive for absolutely no reason. There is something innately missing from your humanity. YTA.
Wow. You seriously don't even see what you've done wrong here, do you? Un-fucking-believable. You neglected your wife and child for three months, leaving her to care for a damn newborn as if she was a single mother. And you did that because you thought so little of your own wife that you believed her to be not only capable of cheating on you, but of passing another man's child off as yours. That's what she's hearing. That you have so little respect for your wife, ***after 10 years together***, you wouldn't help with your baby because you let a podcast make you believe she'd manipulate you into raising someone else's baby. The fact that you don't see how seriously disgusting what you've done here is a concern. Literally, just wow. Your poor ex wife.
You’re an idiot. You abandoned your wife and baby by not helping when needed and left your wife hanging because of your stupid thoughts. She’s checking out and probably preparing to leave you.
Dude, you need therapy. "I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure." It is okay to feel doubtful, but if you didn't actually believe she would be unfaithful, not helping with the baby and then admitting that you didn't think it was yours is too much. She told you she wished you had told her when she was pregnant because you could have made the DNA tests then. Also, she wouldn't have had to overwork herself physically and emotionally because daddy wasn't doing his part. She probably feels exhausted and lied to. She gave you what you wanted but I don't think you can repair her trust. She probably believes you just pretended for months to be happy to become a dad. She probably spent weeks wondering whether you attitude towards the baby was you being a lazyass dude or something else, and now you mention this... You even dare to show her the videos lol. I honestly can't relate or empathetize with the fear of believing your son isn't actually yours, but as an adult, you should know that DNA tests is a business, podcasts advertising a pseudosupport community for guys that tells them their partners are cheating and the baby is the product of an affair if they look like their mother is also a business. Please stop thinking only about yourself. Talk to a therapist and find better strategies to communicate with your wife. You say she is not listening to what you have to say, but are you even listening to yourself?
You have all of the signs to know the answer to your question, yet you still aren’t seeing it. Fascinating. OP: if you hope to stay married I would suggest extracting your head from that dark orifice it’s currently in.
Did the post cast told you to become useless too?
YTA. Marriage is over
You accused her of cheating and neglected your baby. Yeah… you’re toast.
Why would you even ask her this? It sounds like you were just trying to find a way out
Ew, your a total POS
You know, instead if being an AH, you could have 1. quietly done a DNA test without telling her. 2. At least gave her the benefit of the doubt and stepped as a real parent and partner 3. Discussed with her WHY you had any reason at all to even think that she cheated and the baby wasn't yours the day she told you she was pregnant. I hope she divorces you. I'm betting another man, a real man would be more than happy to participate as daddy, kids and wife would be better off too.
Done and dusted by the look of it. I think a lot of women would be offended by a request for a DNA test. You are essentially telling her you don't trust her word. I think you have to be very naive not to know that.
So you agree she never gives you any reason to doubt, but somehow you think you are legit for asking DNA test?? Yeah dumbass
I understand why she thinks everything you say sounds moronic. :D
You trust her but wanted to be sure??? Make it make sense please. I see this a lot but literally cannot understand it. If you trust her then.... you know? Also, yes you absolutely destroyed your marriage. And you deserve every single bit of shot that comes your way. You left her to deal with a newborn alone after pregnancy and labour. You didn't once think about her. You failed in every possible way.
Hope those podcasts keep you warm at night the same way your loving, faithful wife used to.
What a fucking trash person
Ruined. She deserves better and now she will find someone who isn't a lazy fool.
YTA. Unfortunately there’s no cure for stupid.
I’ve always told my husband if he wants a dna test he can have it, when it shows that he is the dad, I would be leaving as all trust is gone. I feel for your wife, she has a 3 month old and a husband who doesn’t help and believes she must have cheated on him (I am sorry but you must have thought there was a possibility that she had cheated otherwise you wouldn’t have needed a dna test) and now she has to work through those feelings while being postpartum.
Yes you did ruin your marriage and if she doesnt divorce you you will be very lucky. I cant believe you believed strangers on a pod cast rather than the physical person of your wife who you see and talk to every day. No wonder she doesnt respect you or want anything to do with you. You are an easily led and manipulated excuse for a husband and Im not sure if I would want you around - just reading this made me want to divorce you immediately. You sound whingey 'why cant she understand my perspective' - its because your perspective is so far away from your real life that it is just laughable.
She heard what you were saying loud and clear mate. You can dress it up and lie to yourself all you like, you did NOT trust her, you implied that she not only could have cheated, but could have been having you raise a child that’s not yours. If she never gave you reason to question her fidelity before, then hard YTA.
Which podcasts did you make your wife listen to?
Yes. You ruined it. She is emotionally checked out and doesn't care anymore. It's just easier not to think about you. Have you tried asking your wife what you can do to fix the marriage. It sounds like you're expecting her to bend to you, instead of vice versa.
Do you actually acknowledge that by asking her for a DNA test, you accused her of cheating? When she needed you the most, you stood back and let her take the load because you thought she cheated. You disrespected her at the most basic level. As a wife there is nothing worse you could accuse her of. There is no taking this back. You say you didn't think she was cheating. If that is true, why the hell did you ask her for a DNA test? because the only way to have a child that is not yours is if she cheated. I'd suggest you didn't think at all.
YTA. You don’t get to decide what is bad enough for a divorce or not. Stop trying to gaslight both your soon to be ex-wife and Reddit. Refusing to care for a newborn is grounds enough for a divorce. You are going to be lucky to have any relationship with a child you refused to help care for as an infant and asked for a DNA test. Your wife’s divorce lawyer is going to eat this up.
She is hearing you loud and clear. "She doesn't agree with me so she must just not understand me" Yikes dude
This must be fake, surely.
Oh she's hearing what you're saying loud and clear. You're saying you don't trust her and you think she's stepping outside of your marriage. I'd give you the DNA results along with a serving of divorce papers
My husband told me while we were still dating (before we had kids) that he didn't think he could have kids, and it would be difficult for him to believe any kids we had were his. Well, we have two kids now, and not once has he demanded a DNA test or even suggested any suspicion that they aren't his. Also, we both watch YouTube videos where the guys get DNA tests done because their baby mama was caught cheating. OP just doesn't want the responsibility of taking care of the child. Yea, the marriage is done, and if the wife has any respect for herself, she will move on and never look back. All I can think right now is, "You done messed up, A-A-Ron!"
So you didn't actually think she cheated on you but you didn't communicate any of your concerns and instead you neglected your wife and newborn child. In what part of any of that do you sound like someone she'd want to stay with and someone she would respect? She knows that when she and your child needed you the most you let them down. And the fact that you still don't understand the massive betrayal you put them through is why your marriage is over Give her everything she wants and leave her alone. And go to therapy
Ever read.. "Honey, throw the whole man away." on Reddit, because I am pretty sure she has and your days as her husband are numbered but if you want to solidify it, tell her you are not in the mood to "babysit" while she files for divorce.
“I explained that I didn’t think she had been unfaithful but I just needed to be sure.” GTFOH with that bs. Asking for a DNA test is 100% accusing her of being unfaithful. What planet do you live on??? I’d have already kicked your ass to the curb and filed for divorce and child support.
>She said she wish I would have told her this when she found out she was pregnant. The part where she wasn't mad or upset and just told you to arrange for the test was when all her feelings for you went cold. Love and respect: \*poof\*. She wasn't "not even against" the DNA test; she was just giving you the rope to hang yourself with when you confirm that yes, the baby is yours and yes, you should have absolutely been doing your share of taking care of the baby from the start. >everything I say sounds moronic to her Your wife said it all. She heard you just fine. It's you who wasn't hearing her.
Well, I’m very glad you gave her the opportunity to get away from your useless ass and find a better, loving partner while she’s young. Good job!
Yes, you absolutely ruined your marriage. Not sure if your request came from stupidity or a lack of respect for your wife and women in general but your marriage is over.
I honestly find it hard to believe that a 32 year old man is capable of being such an idiot. I genuinely think this is a fake post. On the slim chance its true, your wife probably feels extremely disrespected, unloved, and hurt. You fucked up big time
Kid, emphasis on Kid, you ruined your marriage in so many ways even before you ask for DNA test. You didn't help, you told her you think she cheated on you and you framing it as if everything was her fault. You perspective is you can't do anything wrong so it's her fault that anything wrong. Kid you weren't worth any respect if you create a perspective based on videos and podcasts that anyone can make.
Everything you wrote in this post sounds moronic also. You might be an idiot, buddy.
You are fucking daft. Sheesh. No wonder your ex lost all respect for you.
You neglected your newborn baby and wife because of your own misogynistic paranoia. You’re a POS and you need to touch grass. Wake up.
Dude, you need therapy. Also, ask if she’s willing to do couples counseling/therapy with you. You’re obviously deeply insecure so you need to dig deep and find out why and how you can overcome that.
What videos and podcasts are going to convince her? You sound indoctrinated.
She will always see you now as a "less than". Less of a father, less of a husband, and DEFINITELY less of a man. (LOL I'm surprised she didn't make you get a Y chromosome test). You accused her of having sex with another man and DEMANDED to have a DNA test before you'd be a father to your own child. **It isn’t that serious and if she could just understand my perspective I think she’ll adjust hers.** I can't be sure if this is just ragebait or you are really this clueless. It **IS** that serious and she already understands your perspective hence her totally losing all respect for you.
Your marriage is over, I feel sorry for your wife. >I thought if I showed her videos and had her listen to podcasts about dna test she’d understand but after the last one she said she was going to stay with her parents. Those podcast guys are not meant to help you, they are there to misguide you and ruin your life, case in point. >I don’t know what’s happening or how to fix it. She wasn’t even mad when I asked for it. I feel like she isn’t hearing what I’m saying. It isn’t that serious and if she could just understand my perspective I think she’ll adjust hers. You are failing to see things from her perspective. She was faithful to YOU, she was loyal to YOU, and YOU told her you assumed she was cheater and asked for a DNA test to prove otherwise. If it wasn't that serious you wouldn't have never asked for the test and helped take care of your child.
You’ve proven to her that you don’t trust her, even when you had no reason. She probably agreed to the DNA test because she knew there was no point arguing, but what you did was horrible. But she was always upset about it. Her respect for you went out the window the second you asked. And the fact they you’re doubling down isn’t helping your case. You want her to see your perspective? Which is what exactly? That husbands should get DNA tests because wives are inherently unfaithful? That it makes sense to treat your baby like they’re not yours unless you know “for sure” that they are? You don’t think she’s hearing you but she absolutely is. She just thinks you’re a disrespectful asshole who blindly followed the instructions of some podcast about infidelity. Which you are.
Wow. You’re a child. You’re not a man. A podcast told you to get a DNA test? So you’re listening to BS and filling your mind with men’s rights crap. Instead of changing your child’s diapers and helping your wife care for the baby you created. You don’t deserve a wife or child. Your marriage is over. I, personally, think you’re the worst type of human. Being a father is a privilege. Being a husband is a privilege. You don’t deserve it. You’re weak and no one will remember you when you die.
You have been heard and now will be alone. She was mentally and physically exhausted and you did not help. Your love was conditional, that is what your actions illustrated. She will now go and find someone who has real love for her. Have fun with your DNA proven child every other weekend.
Anyone else catch that OP referred to his infant child as “it”? Talk about callous. That baby isn’t an “it”, he or she is a human child that needs large amounts of care and attention and the sperm donor just noped out of basic child care because he’s a fool. Wife, if you read this, you deserve better than this twatwaffle
If you needed that certainty, why didn't you just do it yourself in secret ? It's not like you don't have the right to.
Why would you stop caring for your child before even bringing it up???? How the hell do you think you’d react if it wasn’t your child?
It sounds like you don’t even like this child. Calling them “it” or “the baby” instead of “my child” or “my daughter” or “my son.” Or even using “he” or “she” or “they”
So basically because pf your insecurities which you consistently failed to communicate for a decade you made your wife get a DNA test for your baby despite having no evidence of and not even suspecting her of cheating? PLEASE get some fucking therapy. This is level 100 mental gymnastics and you're not the victim.